Celebrity Special Total Wipeout

Argentina, South America. Birthplace of the world famous Maradona, Evita and Gabriela Sabatini.

But also the birthplace of the equally famous Total Wipeout obstacle course.

Plenty of ordinary folk have tried and failed to conquer this magnificent beast.

So now it's time to give a different breed of Britain the chance.

This is no ordinary Total Wipeout, it is Celebrity Total Wipeout.

First positions, please, quiet on set, and action!

Good evening and welcome to a special edition of Total Wipeout.

Special for two reasons - firstly, tonight is another Total Wipeout Celebrity Special.

So, if you want to watch ten people you sort of recognise covered in mud, sit back and enjoy.

It's special secondly because I'm in Argentina.

I am. I really am.

-If you don't believe me, watch this... Excuse me.

-Si?

-Where are we?

IN SPANISH:

Thank you, Eduardo.

Thank you. Wonderful people.

So, ten celebrities will line up today.

One of them will go home crowned champion, carrying £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

The other nine will be smiling politely for the cameras,

before throwing a massive celebrity strop back at the hotel.

So, let's take a look at what's facing the celebrities today.

Can anyone else smell burning?

The Qualifier. 10 will start. Some will finish.

The Sweeper, some will start. A few will finish.

Dizzy Dummies, a few will start. Three will finish.

And the Grand Final, the Wipeout Zone.

Three will start, possibly finish and one will win.

Now, who would be stupid enough to put their lives and dignity at risk tackling such a challenge?

Celebrities, of course!

So, let's meet today's ten victims.

Did I just say "victims" out loud?

On the celebrity conveyor-belt today, it's model Danielle Lloyd.

Next, it's Spencer Moon from EastEnders.

Or rather, actor Chris Parker.

That's former weather girl and Loose Women presenter, Andrea McLean.

A state-of-the-art coffee maker.

That's long-time TV star, Cleo Rocos. Who's next?

Ah, Sam Nixon and that's his other half, Mark Rhodes, cleverly known as TV duo Sam and Mark.

Olympic and world champion athlete, Sally Gunnell.

A pair of his and hers luxury bathrobes.

That's comedian Joe Pasquale in some very tight Lycra shorts.

Comedienne and TV presenter Kirsten O'Brien.

And finally it's...it's that fantastic actor from X Men. You know, that Royal Shakespeare bloke.

Great booking, guys. Well done.

Slightly different rules today.

All ten of our celebrities will do the qualifier and then, just in case

we haven't injured Joe Pasquale yet, all ten will go on to do The Sweeper as well. So, let's get on with it.

It's over to my co-host, Amanda Byram, who's at the top of the course with our first contestant.

Over to you, Amanda. Lovely weather, isn't it? I'm on a big tower.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by the gorgeous Danielle.

You look absolutely amazing. You're such a pretty little thing.

I'm a little bit worried that you're going to get destroyed by all that mud.

I think I might get a little bit destroyed by the mud, but hopefully it's going to be good for my skin.

That's a good tactic. You could just give yourself a really good slathering on your way around?

Hopefully, yes. I'll come out looking even better, maybe!

Hi, I'm Danielle and I'm a model! Watch me strut my stuff on this catwalk!

The first celebrity contestant is model Danielle Lloyd.

-She makes a living out of her face, so let's hope it's insured.

-Arrgh!

Nice screaming. That's good.

Oh, and it's good to see the flappy hands run making a welcome return.

I missed that.

Topple Towers first. Glamorous model Daniel has said

that she'll use the mud as a beauty treatment, but only if she falls in.

Ah. She's fallen in.

This, of course, is no ordinary mud. This is the finest

creamy Patagonian cattle slurry,

served with a medley of juicy old contestant's trainers.

She'll appreciate that.

Danielle is out, though, pretty quickly.

How will she do on the second set of Topple Towers?

Not very well...as it turns out.

She's still smiling through the pain. That's good.

All I can see are her teeth.

On to the Sucker Punch for delectable Danielle.

How will she look

after a gentle facial massage... from 22 boxing gloves?

She's off. Oh!

She really did take a bit of a blow there.

At least it wasn't to the face.

Still, time for some more spa treatment, I think.

This is no ordinary sewage, this is the finest...

Argh! Is that really what's in it?

Leeches, really? OK.

Danielle, you've really got to get out of there - fast. Move, move!

Poor Danielle, she's covered in...

Let's not talk about that. But it is The Big Balls next.

At least she might be able to get to wash off all that muck.

That's only if she falls in. She may not!

There she goes. Still smiling. What a sport!

Go, go, go...

Yes, oh!

Well, what a relief. She's useless. She's fallen in the water

and she's washed off all that unspeakable filth.

A spectacular belly-flop from a former Miss Great Britain, proving she's not just a pretty face.

Or even THAT by the time she's finished.

This is a good run from Danielle. She's looking fabulous again.

Only The Leap Of Faith to go. An experienced model like Danielle

-should be up to strut her way around The Leap Of Faith.

-Oh, my God...

First of all, run around the launch.

Yes...oh.

What? She's just...stepped off without thinking.

Remember, the better the celebs do on the Qualifier and The Sweeper, the more points they'll get.

That'll decide who gets goes through to Dizzy Dummies.

Danielle finishes in a pretty good 3 minutes 18.

Time for a well-earned rest on the Total Wipeout sun-lounger.

There you go.

Now, here's someone who really means business - Joe Pasquale.

You might think he's funny, but he's deadly serious about winning today.

I'm perfectly fine, I'm not at all nervous.

But I can't see nothing without my glasses.

Total Wipeout would like to apologise for the technical problems you're experiencing.

Something's clearly gone wrong.

No, that actually is his voice.

He sounds like that. He does actually sound like that. Nothing we can do about it.

How have you been preparing for the mighty wrath of the Qualifier?

I thought you said "the mighty rash" then.

I've been doing a bit of boxing and been punched in the face and in the gusset.

-You think I'm off my head, don't you?

-Yes.

Joe, of course, was crowned King of the Jungle in 2004

and spends most of his spare time flying his own plane.

All very exotic. Not a blistering start here.

He wasn't joking about the "not being able to see" thing.

Let's hope he keeps his glasses on when he's flying.

Right, can he soar across the Topple Towers?

No. I didn't think he could.

Classic silly walk there from the veteran pantomime performer.

He knows his stuff.

-Oh, not another one.

-Yes it is, Joe.

The second set of Topple Towers. Can he regain some dignity here?

DRUM ROLL

No. None.

Not to worry, it's The Sucker Punch next.

Joe has been training with amateur boxers in preparation for this.

So, he should be able to show us a bit of the art of the pugilist.

No.

Apparently not. No. He should have trained with mud wrestlers instead cos that's where he's gone.

On to The Big Balls next - or as Joe sees them, one enormous snooker table that's kind of blurry.

Joe has performed a few aerial stunts in his time.

Can he produce one for us here?

He's got the look of a champion.

I've got a good feeling about this.

Come on, Joe.

We're with you, we're with you...

No, we're not with you any more. That was a loop-the-loop.

It was, look!

Red Arrows would've been proud of that manoeuvre.

They wouldn't do it exactly the same obviously - less mud.

Can Joe leave us with something special on the Leap Of Faith?

-Something we'll always remember? No, that's not what I meant!

-PF-FF-RRT!

That is wrong on so many levels!

That's a bad, bad thing. Something maybe needs oiling.

OK, Joe now needs to run, swing and land. It's as simple as that.

The Leap Of Faith. Here's the run. This is classic.

Here's the swing and finally...

Nevertheless that was pretty memorable - for Joe.

Despite that mid-air collision, Joe finishes in a pretty reasonable time

of 3 minutes 33.

Maybe needing some chafe cream there!

Now this is stand-up comic and former kids' TV presenter, Kirsten O'Brien.

She claims to be quite bendy, and last year she won a break-dancing competition.

That is her signature move.

Now, this course brings out the competitive side of people, Kirsten.

Are we going to see that side of you today?

Absolutely, yes. I'm competitive anyway.

Mainly with myself. If I let myself down, I'll be angry about that.

-Well, I'm scared just watching you.

-Grrr!

Well, it looks like we've got a live one here.

Normally Kirsten is a mild-mannered TV presenter.

But where's this crazed fiend come from? Are you OK?

Nice moves. Let's get on with it.

If I can get past the sight of Joe Pasquale in that Lycra, I might be able to do some damage. Come on!

Kirsten's off. She's a bit overexcited.

Can she channel all that energy into a fast time?

She's out of the water. That's good.

Making her way to the Topple Towers.

Nifty footwork.

And she's hit the tower and fallen in the mud.

Just claim you did it on purpose.

Can comic Kirsten produce even more belly laughs on purpose

with the second tower?

There we go.

Oh, no! Ooh.

Bit of a swim.

She looks happy. That's good. Oh, she's not happy.

Come on. Up and out now.

Use the rope, because it's the Sucker Punch next for Kirsten.

Now reduced to a stroll. She's flagging.

Come on, Kirsten. Come on, look out for the.... Too late.

Mind out for the...oh!

Oh, Kirsten!

I do feel for Kirsten. There's no energy left in those arms

and the Sucker Punch really doesn't care how funny you are... it'll still punch you in the face.

I can't get out. Oh, my God.

Oh, this is, this is proper dramatic stuff.

-I can't get my foot out.

-She's stuck! Pull hard.

Kirsten spent her early career working with a talking aardvark.

That can't be any more humiliating than this. It could be, actually.

-On to the Big Red Balls...

-Come on!

-Shouting to yourself always helps.

-Yes it does, it does.

-I can't see.

-No, that's not good.

But ignore that, Kirsten. It didn't matter to Joe. Come on.

I can't actually see.

We're all behind you...

Oh! Ooh. That was, that was quite a move.

Still dishing out that slapstick, Charlie Chaplin-style.

And then leg forwards. Oh, yes!

She needs a fast time from now on if she wants to rack up the points.

End it now.

Oh, my God.

Just The Leap Of Faith to go for Kirsten.

Is anyone else picking up the teensiest hint of defeatism here?

Come on. Here she goes.

Big push. Oh! Oh, that's a rib!

Poor Kirsten. Too delirious... even to let go of the rope now.

No, she's remembered.

It all started off so bouncy and optimistic for Kirsten,

but she makes it home in a less than funny time of 4 minutes 36.

Now this is more like it.

A proper A-list celebrity and a bit of a hero of mine.

It's Star Trek's very own Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Wow! Patrick Stewart, here on the Total Wipeout course!

Yeah.

That unmistakable rich, baritone voice.

I can't wait to hear him speak.

Total Wipeout, you think you've got big balls,

you ain't seen nothing yet. Kiss the guns.

I wonder why Patrick's talking like that?

He's maybe adopted the lingo of a proper London geezer

for a new tough gangster film. He's so versatile.

Right, Patrick is off and boldly going where no man has gone before.

That's "boldly" spelt with an O, not A. Not baldly, obviously.

Another day at the office.

Topple Towers.

Oh, that was incredible! He beamed himself across those.

Actually he didn't, because that would be cheating. He ran.

And now the second set.

Oh! Picard to the medi-deck for a once-over with the tricorder.

That's...ow!

-Come on, Dominic!

-Dominic? Who's Dominic?

Now, Dominic, you have the gift of the gab.

I want you to talk me through that course. Tell me how you're going to defeat it.

Oh, I've made a mistake, haven't I?

That's quite embarrassing. Yes. That's not Patrick Stewart.

It's consumer rights champion, Dominic Littlewood. I love this guy!

-I secretly hoped it was him.

-Spick and span.

Dom reports for the One Show

and also presents his own show, Don't Get Done, Get Dom.

But will Dom get done on the Sucker Punch?

# Dom, Dom, Dom! # Sorry, I couldn't resist that.

I'll shut up.

Wow! He's across the Sucker Punch.

That was an actual celebrity getting across the Sucker Punch.

Actually on his own celebrity legs. Just the Big Balls now.

Here we go...oh! That was a catastrophe!

That really was.

He looks fairly comfortable off the first and then the second ball,

but what on Earth happens then?

I've never seen anybody's body actually do that.

Well despite a couple of tumbles,

Jean-Luc Littlewood is in for a pretty fast time.

The Leap Of Faith...

That's the run-up and now the swing.

Can he land this? Can he land it?

At least we know the podium's sturdy.

After all that, Dominic Littlewood finishes in 2 minutes and 3 seconds,

which is the fastest so far today. That is a good time.

-Well done, you.

-I may be five minutes.

Have you seen The Godfather?

I am the Dom.

Hey, kiss my ring!

I'll give it a miss, Dom, if you don't mind.

No, really. No, thanks.

Next, it's TV presenter and former weather girl, Andrea McLean.

But before that it's time for a quick Total Wipeout weather update.

It'll be raining blows over the Sucker Punch, with a very real chance of mudslides.

There are four big pockets of pressure over the Big Balls

and the Leap Of Faith will be experiencing patchy outbreaks of skill all day.

It's going to be a wet one.

Andrea, what brings you here to take part in the most insane obstacle course in the world?

My Son, Finley. He just really wants to see me smacked in the face by that wall of punch things.

I'm not going to let him down!

Where is she? Ah, there she is. There she is.

The first set of Topple Towers. Here she goes!

Ooh, no.

No. That's not a brilliant start there...for Andrea.

Can she do any better on the second set of Topple Towers?

Yes...oh, no.

That was more of a no than a yes in answer to that.

OK. She didn't forecast that at all.

There's not even a sticker for that to put on the map.

Finley, I hope you're watching this.

Come on, Andrea. You can do this.

Yes!

It's a boy!

The Sucker Punch. This is the moment you've been waiting for, Finley.

The wall of thumpy, wumpy punchy things. Taking her time.

Mummy has avoided it so far.

No, Mummy's been punched quite hard on the thigh.

It's, oh! And the knee there.

Andrea seems to have lost the ability to move forward.

No, she hasn't...and backwards.

-SHE LAUGHS

-If you actually knew what was in there, you wouldn't be laughing.

-It smells horrible.

-It will do!

Under the weather, Andrea still managing to keep her spirits up, despite the stormy conditions.

I'm going to stop the weather things now, I'm annoying myself. The Big Balls next.

Could things be about to change for Andrea?

Because beneath this muddy, giggly exterior

beats the heart of a fearless skydiver.

Here she goes...

Oh!

Yes....I...

Here we go. Here we go...

She's done it again! It's a skydiving trick, this -

you dummy jump. No, she's actually gone for it!

Oh! Ow!

She's only been skydiving once. That's the truth of it.

You see? These weather people, they never seem to get it right, do they?

If she'd seen that one coming, she wouldn't have done it.

Right, just the Leap Of Faith to go now for Andrea.

-Am I winning?

-No. You're not. But things could be about to change

because beneath this wet, giggly exterior beats the heart

of a fearless bungee jumper as well.

Seriously, she has. Skydiving, bungee-jumping...

She's only done it once, OK?

Can she be the first celebrity to make the Leap Of Faith?

No. There's no way of disguising that, it's just a no.

Let go, Andrea.

Accept it. It's failed.

After a storming performance, Andrea hauls herself

on to the finish in 5 minutes 9.

-Remember, the fastest time gets the maximum points.

-Did I win?

Well, you're top five, I'll tell you that.

Yeah!

OK. Let's take a look at the Total Wipeout celebrity leader board.

I haven't seen how the other competitors did, but I'm pretty sure I'm up in the top three.

No? Oh!

Now, Sally, you're quite well known in the world of sport for jumping over things.

-But they're kind of like about that high.

-Yes, I know.

-How are you going to jump over those?

They're very big, aren't they? They don't look anything like hurdles.

Um...I don't really know!

Oh, she's just being bashful!

Sally Gunnell is a British sporting legend.

400 metre hurdles gold-medal winner in the 1992 Barcelona Olympics.

This is going to be something to remember.

This is for those three little boys at home who made me do this.

I hope I've still got it. Help!

Sally Gunnell, I should say, is the only OBE ever to attempt this course.

If she wins today, well, she might get promoted to Dame or something on the strength of it.

The Topple Towers first.

Champion hurdler Sally should have no problem with these.

This is such a moment for the course!

That is gold. It actually works.

It turns out, if you're really good at things, you can do this course.

Olympic quality Topple Tower crossing there. ..Oh.

-Go on, Amanda. Do your hurdle joke...

-She fell at the last hurdle.

Amanda Byram with her hurdle joke! Never do that again.

Sally's the only woman in history to have held the Olympic,

World, Commonwealth and European gold medals at the same time.

Were any of those in boxing?

No. No, they weren't. No.

Yes, the wall is actually punching an athlete of that stature and standing.

Sally took quite a blow to the head. One thing I've always respected

about athletes is their ability to keep composed at all times.

Flipping Nora! Who said I liked mud?

Sorry about the blue language there. Yes...not that composed.

Hold on to your armchairs - you are about to see something special.

The moment an Olympic champion hurdles her way over the Big Balls.

In my mind, I know how this is going to go.

Let's turn those red balls into golden balls, Sally.

Yes, this is going to happen.

She's going to do it.

She's...

fallen off.

Jumping, boxing, bouncing and now swimming.

This is turning into a heptathlon.

This is perhaps not surprisingly a very good time so far.

Sally is relying on her second wind to push her through the course.

Does she still have the desire, the determination, the dedication

to be a winner? The Leap Of Faith...

Yes! She spins on to the podium in a time of 2:30.

One of the best today, and a very good time.

Oh my God, that's worse... than any Olympic final.

Yes. She could go far.

Never mind Barcelona 1992, what about Buenos Aries '09, man?

Give me back any track, any hurdles, anywhere.

It's got to be easier than that.

That was hard!

Now, here's a young fella popular with the ladies.

It's only gentleman about town and former EastEnders actor Chris Parker.

So, this course is my... No, this course is my bride and I'm the groom, and I'm going to make...

I'm going to take this course down, boom!

Boom! Boom. Boom! That's better.

There's a lot to this acting thing.

It takes a lot of practice.

This course is the bride, I'm the groom, watch me take this course down - boom!

Actually, that was brilliant. Not a clue what it was about, really...

but delivered with real conviction. Much like EastEnders itself.

Right, he's out the water on the pontoons.

This is impressive stuff so far from Chris.

Straight up to the old bottle of flowers.

Sorry, I mean Topple Towers. I'll stop there.

Oh, good effort there from the nimble thespian.

Like most celebrities, he doesn't like to get his hands dirty

and he's managed not to. OK. Take two. Can Chris do any better?

(No.) But he's still making swift progress.

Sucker Punch next.

Chris famously reached the final of Strictly Come Dancing,

but can he quickstep past 22 hydraulic boxing gloves?

No. No, he can't.

Straight in the foxtrots. That's got to smart.

Chris's dance partner delivering an uppercut to the jaw.

I'm not sure I've seen that on Strictly, even from Brucey, and he's one mean dude.

Right, to the Big Balls now.

A little known fact for the Chris Parker fan.

I don't mean there's just one of you.

Chris was a stunt double in the second Harry Potter film,

and what a great stunt there! It was. He's determined.

Oh. All gone wrong there.

Nevertheless, this is a great run from cockney Chris.

He made 250 appearances in Albert Square,

before being kidnapped by aliens or something, probably...I don't know.

Are we about to see another dramatic ending?

Can he act like a champion and land on the Leap Of Faith?

No, he's missed it.

Like EastEnders, Chris just keeps going and going.

Eventually Chris comes home in a time of 1 minute 49,

which is the fastest today. What a performance.

Next to go is flame-haired comedy actress, Cleo Rocos.

She likes a laugh as much as the next man.

See what I mean?

There's quite a lot of water out there today, Cleo.

-I'm sensing that there might be an eensy-teensy bit of wetness.

-No problem.

I wet-proofed my hair with that suede spray, and I put that on and it's a bit hard to get out.

But actually it works quite well.

Bring me a tequila, and make it a huge one!

Excellent. Right, it's time to put Cleo's hair and make-up to the test.

She's in.

Her hair needs a touch up there, straightaway. That's better.

Cleo's big break came on the hilarious Kenny Everett Show,

which is good, because she's going to need a sense of humour today.

She makes her way towards the Topple Towers.

Up the steps, one, two...

Same outcome.

Second set of Topple Towers. Here we...

Oh. It's gone the same way. Double tequila to the mud pit, please.

Right, time for a hair and make-up update. Amazing it's still intact.

That's good news.

Cleo moves on to the Sucker Punch...

And almost immediately off the Sucker Punch, having been punched.

That's got to be a record. First glove.

It's impossible to get sucker-punched quicker than that.

Now, Cleo approaches the Big Balls with all the enthusiasm of someone

who wishes they didn't have to jump on to some big red balls.

Here we go. Here we go...

Oh. This is it...

Big breath. This is an actual celebrity doing this.

Up, up and...

down.

Up and down. Navigation was all wrong here.

There's no need for that.

It's that left turn she tried for at the first ball.

Right, just the Leap Of Faith to go.

Atta girl, Cleo.

That is one super-duper trouper.

Throwing herself at the course, giving it everything she's got.

MUSIC: "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf

I sense a big finish. Come on, Cleo. You can do it.

The Leap Of Faith, come on!

Well, that's taught me.

Rousing music doesn't always mean there's about to be a big finish.

But Cleo, her hair and her make-up have just about

made it to the finish in the collective time of 4 minutes, 46.

You were not wrong. Your make-up and hair is still completely intact.

-Well, there you go!

-You got through that, you did not give up and you made it to the end.

Yeah and I'm more surprised than anyone.

And finally on the qualifier today, here are a couple of lads who have

a lot of fans up and down the country...all under ten.

It's Sam and Mark off CBBC.

I'm going to wipe you all to the floor.

Yeah!

Yeah! That one's Sam.

I'm going to smash this course like a spider monkey.

And that one's Mark.

Who's going to win today, Sam, Mark?

-Mark, Sam? Sam, Mark?

-Erm...me.

He's the sports one out of us, you see.

I'm not a sporty type.

He's so competitive that I actually don't like Mark when he's competitive!

I love you to bits, mate. But then you turn into Mr... Oh, I've got to win!

We're having a domestic already.

You're like an old married couple.

So, the epic struggle between Sam and Mark begins.

I'm gonna wipe everybody to the floor! Hopefully. Come on!

Sam's off...showing absolutely no confidence in his abilities.

Maybe just a clever mind game to fool his TV partner.

Maybe not. Maybe he really is useless.

Mark's turn now.

Ooh! Great skill.

Mark's the first celeb today to try the forward-slide swallow-a-gallon- of-water technique. Classy though.

So, it's Sam and Mark versus The Topple Towers.

Who will take an early lead?

Oh! Mark's in the sludge.

And so's Sam!

Yeah. Mark takes an undignified tumble

and to show his best pal that anything Mark can do,

he can do better...

Sam doesn't do any better.

There's nothing to choose between the competitive twosome.

The second set of towers and another show of solidarity.

Still nothing between the former Pop Idol contestants.

They are like two competitive peas in a muddy pod.

Maybe The Sucker Punch will be able to separate

the man from the boy. Here goes Mark.

Pretty impressive stuff.

He's, oh yes, he's dodging.

He's weaving. He's weaving and dodging.

Can he make it over? He makes...oh.

Well that's laid down the muddy gauntlet for Sam.

Here goes Sam and that was...what's the word?

Pathetic. Pathetic attempt.

Just what I was going to say.

Thank you, Amanda. Unkind but fair.

It's The Big Balls next. Who will do best here?

Sam out of Sam and Mark or Mark...out of Sam and Mark?

Sam, steadying himself.

OK. Quick feet. Quick feet. Quick...

Bounced. Ooh, that's not bad!

That really wasn't bad.

Good ball technique from Sam.

Will Mark do any better?

Here he goes. No hesitating at the top...

and no hesitating in falling straight off either.

Only making the second ball - one less than Sam.

But he did have time for a little look around on the way down.

Right. Just The Leap Of Faith to go.

Sam on the ladder right now...

and he's fallen off!

I can't believe he just did that.

Strictly speaking, that's not actually an obstacle.

It's just a ladder. It's just to get to an obstacle.

Second attempt and Sam makes it.

That's going to lose me valuable seconds.

Yes. D'you mind? I'll do the commentary.

Get on with the swinging!

OK, here he goes. The launch and the swing...

and the miss.

It could be worse, I suppose. Oh, it is worse. Amanda's laughing.

Yes. So that's Sam, finishing in a time of 3 minutes 49.

Mark get his go now on The Leap Of Faith.

As long as he doesn't make a hash of this,

he could be in for a quick time.

Jumps...

and lands!

A great finish for this year's Sam and Mark qualifier championship.

And it is...Mark.

Oh, why?

All I can say is at least one half of Sam and Mark can get up a ladder without falling off.

It wasn't even an obstacle!

I can reveal right now, the fastest by one minute and 16 seconds was...

Mark!

One minute and 16 seconds? What were you doing?

That's really embarrassing.

I can't believe how hard it is. It's so difficult.

Oh, I need a cuddle.

# Just the two of us... #

Haven't we seen those bathrobes before?

I can't believe it, they've nicked them!

They've nicked...I'm disappointed!

That's all ten celebrities through the qualifier and all still alive.

So, I lose the sweepstake.

They're all going to do The Sweeper too, so let's look at the points they scored in the qualifier.

Chris Parker was quickest and takes maximum points.

Dominic Littlewood is second, with Sally Gunnell in third.

Mark out of Sam and Mark is fourth.

Danielle Lloyd is fifth.

And fully recovered from his chafing, Joe Pasquale is in sixth.

In seventh, eighth and ninth are Sam, out of Sam and Mark,

Kirsten O'Brien and Cleo Rocos.

Andrea McLean is at the bottom of the leaderboard.

But it's not over yet!

I had the weirdest dream recently.

There were ten celebrities, but I only recognised three of them,

standing on ten-foot poles until a giant padded arm swung around

and smashed them off into an Argentinian pond

while everyone laughed.

No, wait, that was last week's show.

Ooh, let's do it again! It's The Sweeper.

Once again the celebs are trying to rack up as many points as possible.

Last man standing gets ten points. The first to fall gets just one.

These points will be added to their qualifier scores and the top five progress to Dizzy Dummies.

Sadly, that won't be Cleo Rocos or Kirsten.

They both took one thump too many on the qualifier

and after sitting down for a bit and going all stiff, they had to withdraw from the competition.

That leaves us with just eight on today's sweeper. Goodbye to them, obviously.

On podiums one and two, it's Chris Parker...

Sweeper, sweeper, here I am. You can't catch me, I'm a jumping man!

And Dominic Littlewood.

Sweeper, Leaper, weepers. Yes!

On podiums three and four, it's Sally Gunnell...

and Mark out of Sam and Mark.

This is The Sweeper, so Sam, pass me the broom.

On podiums five and six are Danielle Lloyd...

..and Joe Pasquale.

I shouldn't be here.

I've only come out for a loaf of bread.

And finally, on seven and eight, it's Sam out of Sam and Mark...

Mark, you annihilated me on the qualifier. Well, guess what?

You're probably going to do the same again on this.

And Andrea McLean.

I made it through the qualifier but this is no laughing matter.

Bring on The Sweeper!

Eight immense podiums.

Eight famous faces.

16 wobbly knees. It's The Sweeper.

-Are you all ready?

-No!

Celebrities are never ready on time anyway. Three, two, one!

OK. Here they go. It's moving pretty slowly now

but that thing gets moving at one unbelievable pace.

What? Chris Parker is down.

He could have stepped over that but instead chose a huge leap.

I'm so rubbish at balance!

I can't stand up on the ground let alone up there on a wobbly platform.

I don't know what to say to back you up after that. It's true. Ooh!

Sam out of Sam and Mark almost down there

but he scrambles back to his feet - just.

There are seven celebrities

fighting for as many points as possible.

The longer they're up there, the harder it gets,

the faster The Sweeper will go.

-I've got to jump higher!

-Oh, Andrea! Get up!

Dominic, Danielle, Mark, Sally, Joe, Sam...

Very wobbly celebrities.

Finally, Andrea McLean. They're all on, still.

There's some determination.

Ooh! That's Joe Pasquale! He's down.

The lycra shorts and ladies shoes doing nothing to help Joe

there as he slips off the back.

I quite enjoyed that in a strange, masochistic sort of way.

But I was really pleased I managed as many as I did.

Nobody can enjoy that. You're not meant to.

Six celebrities left and The Sweeper is getting faster.

The longer they stay standing, the more points they'll get.

Still leaping then, Dominic Littlewood, Sally Gunnell, Mark,

Danielle Lloyd, Sam out of Sam and Mark and Andrea McLean.

Things getting tense up there. Not least because

none of those celebrities has had their usual double decaf latte for about ten minutes now.

Oh, my God!

It's fair to say Sam perhaps not enjoying himself.

The Sweeper getting faster and higher now.

Who will be next to fall?

Make it stop!

A celebrity has to fall off a giant podium,

having been hit in the face or chest with a huge padded foam arm.

And it's Andrea McLean!

I was actually quite relieved to get knocked off!

My first reaction was, "Thank God that's over!"

Yes, this sensible thing would be not to get on it in the first place.

Right, five celebs standing.

No, make that four!

Sam out of Sam and Mark has taken a dramatic tumble

and quite a nifty face plant. A double whammy.

And now Sally Gunnell's gone too.

The Sweeper takes Sam's legs clean out from under him.

I didn't beat Mark, sadly.

But I stayed on there for longer than I thought I would,

so I'm pretty proud.

I can go home a happy man.

Sally, of course, hurdles.

She stumbles though and takes a dive.

It was horrid.

I could feel my heart going, I was shaking.

I was absolutely petrified for the whole thing.

Just Dominic, Danielle and Mark are still in.

Who will be the last man or woman standing?

They're jumping pretty high now.

Danielle is using some sort of gyroscopic effect

to keep her on the podium and it does seem to be working.

Because she is.

See ya!

Oh! Mark's gone. Mark has gone.

I think it's probably up there in my top one things

that scare me to death.

It is now a battle to the finish

between a wideboy wheeler-dealer and a Liverpudlian wag.

They won't mind me saying that.

They can't stop me - they're stuck up there.

Ooh, Dominic stumbles...

but Danielle does fall.

She clears the bar, but then fluffs the landing spectacularly.

I thought I was actually going to be the first one off, but I just kept

looking forward and screaming and it just kind of worked.

So, Dominic Littlewood is the last man standing. What a star.

Yeah, baby, yeah!

So, that's 10 celebrities flying through the air and getting a soaking.

Press the red button and join our debate about the dumbing down

of British television.

The moment of truth now.

Which of our ten damp celebrities has progressed to The Dizzy Dummies?

Let's look at the leaderboard.

Converting their qualifier and Sweeper performances

means Dominic Littlewood has a near-perfect 19 points

and takes the top spot.

Then it's a three-way tie for second...

Between Danielle Lloyd,

Mark out of Sam and Mark,

and Sally Gunnell showing the qualifier her Olympic quality.

Chris Parker just manages to squeeze into the next round with 13 points.

Sadly, it's time to say goodbye to the five with the lowest points.

So, that means Sam out of Sam and Mark,

Joe Pasquale,

Andrea McLean,

Kirsten...

and Cleo Rocos.

# Sky rockets in flight

# Afternoon delight

# Afternoon delight

# Afternoon delight. #

Make Joe Pasquale bounce off The Big Balls - tick.

Knock Sally Gunnell off The Sweeper - tick.

Spin Dominic Littlewood around until he's so dizzy

that he falls into a lake.

We should get on with that.

Let's see what's happening on Dizzy Dummies.

First, the five celebs will be spun to the point of nausea

before facing the stumbling saloon doors and the rolling logs.

From there, it will be through the crazy cut-outs

and onto the donut run.

The last to cross on each occasion will be eliminated, leaving three soggy celebrity finalists.

OK, nothing to see here.

Unless of course you want to see five celebrities get spun into oblivion.

It's Dizzy Dummies.

-Are you all ready?

-No!

Oh, well. Three, two, one...

And they're off. Here's a quick reminder of who's strapped

into the celebrity centrifuge.

He's not really in Star Trek...

Kiss the guns!

..as I discovered. It's Dominic Littlewood.

Quickest to conquer the qualifier, it is Eastender Chris Parker.

You can't catch me, I'm a jumping man!

She's the nation's sporting sweetheart.

I hope I've still got it.

Sally Gunnell.

SCREAM

She's flappy, she's screamy, she's muddy,

she's the lovely Danielle Lloyd.

And finally, alone at last, it's half of Sam and Mark. It's Mark.

Out of Sam and Mark.

Come on!

Well done, everyone.

They normally have a PA to do their seat belts for them.

It's a celebrity thing.

Mark's the first to go for it.

Oh...and then goes in it.

Full of positivity at the start.

Lungs full of water very shortly after.

Dom Littlewood decides this is the moment.

Good, good...

Bad. Very bad.

Dominic fell at the final hurdle then.

Oh, I was saving that for Sally Gunnell.

Speaking of which, here she is - on your marks, get set, go, go, go!

Good grief.

She just dismisses it.

And Chris Parker sneaks across just behind her.

Here's Danielle Lloyd now. There she is in the water, look.

I assume she was. Where's she gone?

A huge leap from Danielle but that big log just got away from her.

Here's Mark now. At speed. Oh! Oh!

No, I can't see! My eyes are watering so much!

Here's Danielle, back for another go. I don't care any more.

Oh! Very nearly made it.

She's getting better every time but will she get another chance?

Now Dom's back and taking it fairly steady. Will it work?

Yes. It will. He's made it.

Thank you!

So, there's only one place left. Who will claim it?

Will it be Mark out of Sam and Mark?

Not like that it won't. That won't help.

Or will it be third time lucky for Danielle Lloyd?

Here she comes and...

Oh, well, and it is!

And here's some trademark hand-flapping to celebrate

and a lot of squeaky noises going on.

But it is all over for Mark out of Sam and Mark.

Oh... "Wow!" is right.

You had two of the most monumental falls I have ever seen.

One time I saw your foot go up your nose and out your ear.

It's still there, I think!

So Mark's Total Wipeout adventure comes to an end.

On the plus side, Mark, you did beat Sam.

On the minus side, you were beaten by Danielle Lloyd.

For the remaining four, it's another spin in the Dizzy Dummy and then a nibble at the Doughnuts.

I'm going to wet myself!

Please don't wet yourself, Chris, it'll be like a garden sprinkler after that.

What's that familiar sound?

THEY SCREAM

Oh yeah, celebrities moaning.

My God, I feel sick.

Danielle feels sick? Then the Dizzy Dummy has done its job.

-So they're off for a second time.

-Oh my God, I'm actually going to be sick.

You know what this reminds me of?

Kicking-out time at the TV Quick awards.

Dom Littlewood takes the initiative. He's through the Crazy Cut-Outs,

just, and now the Doughnut Run.

Comfortably onto the first one.

Then uncomfortably off the second one.

Dom just can't hold on to that slippery doughnut

and he takes a dunking.

Chris Parker now, on to the first doughnut.

Quickly joined by Sally Gunnell, doing a little bit of cohabiting.

It looks like Chris is about to move out. Here he goes,

making his move for the second doughnut.

Danielle joins Sally as she prepares for her journey over the doughnuts.

That'll be a short journey.

It's not gone well.

Dom Littlewood pushes past Danielle.

Clearly anxious to get a move on, Dom just wants to get to the end.

And he's made it onto the second doughnut.

This man is pretty determined.

What's happen to Sally?

She looks in trouble. Yeah, she's thrown in the towel.

That brings Dizzy Dummies to an abrupt end.

I think those three little boys are going to be laughing their socks off.

They love the programme and they'll probably think

I'm rubbish now because I didn't get all the way round in one piece.

You know, "How could you ever have won the Olympics?"

So Sally's withdrawal means Dominic, Danielle and Chris are heading into the Wipeout Zone.

And then it will be a long plane-ride home for the two losers.

In fact, it'll be a long plane-ride home for the winner as well, it's 13 hours.

I'm going to watch The Dark Knight.

One of those three finalists will be taking home a cheque for £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

Let's see what they've got to say for themselves.

Right now, I'm absolutely cream crackered.

I never expected in a million years to get this far and I'm so happy.

-This is like a big achievement for me and I'm really looking forward to the final.

-I've shocked myself.

I did not expect to be here.

I did not know I had it in me.

Danielle has got more grit and determination than I ever, ever realised or expected.

-I screamed through everything.

-"Ooh, aah, ooh, aah!"

I have surprised myself and a lot of other people as well.

We all have charities we're passionate about. Everyone wants to win.

A bald head is all I've got that they haven't got, and that is a big bonus.

Right now, I'm at the most competitive I've ever been.

I'm going to give everything, everything I've got left in me.

I go out with my guns blazing. I've got a sting in my tail, you know, just light the fuse and watch me go.

Maybe I might surprise the other boys and win.

I'll try and wipe the smiles off their faces!

The world famous Wipeout Zone goes something like this.

First, a gentle slide down Killer Surf, followed by a gentle stroll up the Barrel Run.

Next, a gentle dangle on the Climbing Wall followed by a gentle spin on the Spinner. Delightful.

The Brusher then gently brushes the contestants towards the Launch Pads,

which gently catapult them to the finish podium.

The fastest wins £10,000 for the charity of their choice.

So, the Wipeout Zone looms terrifyingly and noisily behind me.

Who will be taking home the trophy and returning to the UK as the Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion?

Danielle is up first. She's given her all today

but one final challenge remains. Let's go down to the course.

Aaargh!

She's off, straight down Killer Surf. And Daniel is in the water.

She needs to get out as quickly as she can. She's not hanging around.

That first beam is greased and treacherous.

She must get up that to start the Barrel Run. She's off!

She's screaming. No surprise there, but despite the squeals,

making light work of some very heavy barrels. This is looking good.

She's cleared the Barrel Run, which means the Climbing Wall next.

If she can keep this up, Danielle Lloyd is in for a really fast time.

I didn't expect any of this.

She is doing so well!

Takes a lot of strength to hang on there.

OK, the Spinner next.

Saw a gap and she went for it.

This is a dangerous moment.

She's made it!

This is a Wipeout Zone masterclass from Danielle Lloyd.

She hasn't made any mistakes yet,

but will the Brusher be a different story?

No, she's slipped.

With her head still spinning from the Spinner,

it's impossible to imagine getting across that slippery Brusher.

That claims so many.

Time marches on now as Danielle pulls herself up

to tackle the Launch Pads.

She's got to be feeling tired and hurt now. She's dismissed that one.

Just one to go.

Come on, Danielle, come on.

Got to admire her determination. This is seriously impressive.

She's on, she's up!

Just the leap to the podium.

She's across, and in a very, very impressive 2:43.

I'll be the first to confess I wasn't expecting it.

She may have flapped and screamed her way around the course

but that was a very impressive Wipeout Zone performance

from Danielle and she has set a very fast time to beat.

-How are you feeling?

-Absolutely exhausted.

Listen, we're all so proud of you. You are my little dark horse.

Your time across that was 2 minutes and 43 seconds! That's brilliant!

That's a good achievement for me.

I thought I was going to be like 16 minutes!

Can Chris Parker add Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion to his long list of credits?

This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Wish me luck.

So, a nervous-looking Chris is off. Remember, he has no idea

how Danielle Lloyd got on so he's just going as fast as he can.

A short swim and on to the Greased Beam.

Oh, not a great start.

That's going to be hurting his confident straight away.

The barrels are already rolling now, which only makes it harder.

He's on to the Barrel Run.

Not as smooth as Danielle, but he's making progress. Sort of. Ow.

Yes, he's on to the Climbing Wall.

That ledge is very thin

and offers precious little in the way of support.

Much like Amanda Byron.

Just thought of that then. Ha-ha!

She'll kill me.

He's going to clear the wall.

That's a tough climb.

Chris isn't hanging about.

But 2:43 is the time to beat

and right now, he's still in with a good chance of doing that.

If he wants to beat Danielle's time, he needs to pick up the pace now.

On to the Spinner, he needs to go for it.

He's going to have to jump first time. He's done it.

He made that look easy.

It's the Brusher now and this is where Danielle came a cropper.

Oh no, he's slipped! He's gone.

He was just one step away from getting across.

Instead though, it's that slippery climb up the ladder

before tackling the final obstacle, the Launch Pads.

This is clearly taking its toll on Chris.

He's starting to look really tired.

I'm not surprised.

Exhausted, then, Chris makes the first landing.

One more launch pad and then it's a final leap.

He jumps.

Can he hold on? Come on, Chris.

He's really struggling now. Has he got the strength left in his arms?

-No.

-No!

-He's gone for the drop.

His hopes of becoming Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion are all over.

Not that he knows that yet. All he knows

is that he's got to keep going, no matter how much it hurts.

This is take two. He makes the first one. Come on, Chris.

He makes the second.

Just one jump to go.

He's done it, and that klaxon will be music to his ears

because it means the ordeal is over.

Chris didn't put in a bad performance on the Wipeout Zone,

but there were too many slips to keep up with Danielle Lloyd.

It's over to Amanda to break the news.

-How are you feeling after that?

-To be honest, if I'm going to be honest, I feel dreadful.

It's really hard.

A lot harder than it looks on television.

Chris, your time was not fast enough. Danielle, you're still in the lead!

He can talk the talk, but can he walk the walk, jump the jump and swim the swim as well?

Don't get done, get Dom.

Dominic was second fastest in the qualifiers

and last man standing on The Sweeper.

But all that counts for very little. He's in the Wipeout Zone now.

On to the Barrel Run first of all.

Here comes the barrels.

Neatly sidesteps the first two barrels.

I don't think it seemed that done before. This is excellent progress.

Straight up the ramp.

He's cleared the Barrel Run, onto the wall.

Dominic is a little bigger than Danielle, which could be

a disadvantage on the wall, but no, he's taken it in his stride.

The Spinner next.

Nobody has fallen from the Spinner so far today.

Could it be third time unlucky for Dom Littlewood?

Timing his exit.

He's done it. If he carries on like this, he might just beat Danielle.

Can Dom do what no one has done and make it across the Brusher?

No, he's slipped! He's gone.

He did his best to hang on, but once you've been brushed aside

by the Brusher, there's no way back.

But Dom's time is still looking good.

Can he make it across the Launch Pads in one go?

Launch pad one, this is still up for grabs. Launch pad two, come on.

Oh... No, no!

That, that could seal his fate.

So, a second go at the Launch Pads. He's on to the first one.

This is so close. Come on, Dom, you can do it this time.

One launch pad to go. He's on.

One final leap to the podium.

Can he beat Danielle?

No, he's missed, but only by the narrowest of margins. One second.

Dom is well and truly done.

It was an almost flawless run from the Patrick Stewart lookalike.

The barrels presented little problem but at the Launch Pads, it all went wrong.

Let's go straight over to Amanda to announce the winner.

Was it everything you thought it would be?

10 times harder, 20 times more exciting, a lot of fun. I don't know where I've come.

-I've got to tell you guys, there was one second between you.

-Oh, no!

And the winner of Total Wipeout Celebrity tonight...

is Danielle!

So congratulations to Danielle Lloyd, Total Wipeout's second Celebrity Champion.

She will be donating her £10,000 prize to the Lantern Project, which helps victims of domestic violence.

I imagine she'll be coming up here for a quick interview.

A lot of excitement down there.

They're drinking champagne from the trophy.

Wild scenes.

It's like a South American carnival.

CHEERING

I don't think she's coming up.

I don't think anyone's...coming up.

Shall we go for a drink?

No.

So, from me, up a shoddy tower in an Argentinian field, goodnight.

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