Celebrity Special Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, South America.

For the first time in the history of Total Wipeout, ten celebrities, including an ex-Olympian,

a comedian, and kind of an actor will swap glitz and glamour for foam and mud.

Nine celebrities will return with their egos and bodies bruised and battered, but one will be crowned

Celebrity Total Wipeout Champion and walk away with £10,000 for charity.

Lights, camera, accidents.

Let the celebrity games begin.

Good evening, and welcome to a very special edition of Total Wipeout.

Guess where I am.

I'll give you some clues, red wine, tango,

Evita,

Maradona, the Argentinian national anthem. It's Argentina.

I'm here, genuinely actually looking down on the Qualifier

at the Total Wipeout course, for a very special reason.

This is the very first celebrity edition of Total Wipeout, ten famous-ish

faces are about to throw caution and warnings from their GP to the wind

for your amusement and entertainment.

So if you want to watch celebrities getting wet and being repeatedly punched in the face,

then boy, are you in luck this evening.

Here's what awaits. The Qualifier, no red carpet, just red balls. The Sweeper, no posh canapes,

just foam sandwiches, Dizzy Dummies, no dizzy heights, just dizzy falls.

And finally the Wipeout Zone, where the winner bags £10,000 for charity.

So you'll be wondering just who are the ten heroic celebrities with the grit, the determination,

and the availability to tackle the Total Wipeout course. Let's find out.

First on the celebrity conveyor belt, EastEnders' actor Joe Swash,

British Olympic legend Fatima Whitbread.

Who's next,

ah yes, Strictly Come Dancing's James Jordan and that's his wife, Ola Jordan,

saved on hotel room bookings there, a cuddly toy... hurray...

inevitably, Fame Academy fitness coach Kevin Adams, and Loose Women presenter Kay Adams...

turns out she and Kevin Adams aren't married, that was an awkward double room, Waterloo Road and

Casualty star Luke Bailey there, comedian Tim Vine, who's this...

ah Emmerdale actress Adele Silva, and finally it's TV presenter and vocal coach Carrie Grant.

Who couldn't fail to be impressed with a stellar line-up like that?

That's a rhetorical question, by the way.

It's the Qualifier first so these are the challenges facing the ten celebrities.

First, it's our old friend Dodge Ball, then it's the Sucker Punch,

knocks celebs down then dishes the dirt.

No Qualifier would be complete without the Big Balls, and finally, the Leap of Faith.

But on this Celebrity Special, the rules are slightly different,

all ten celebrities will also compete on the Sweeper,

just so we can see them buffed by padded poles as well.

So let battle commence, and it's over to my co-host, Amanda Byram,

who's at the top of the course with our first contestant...

and I've never been able to do this...

Over to you, Amanda!

I'll just stay here.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by a woman who is used to hitting the right note.

# So...do... la... fa... mi... do... re... #

Carrie, never mind hitting the right notes,

I want to know how you feel about hitting those Big Red Balls.

Well, it's a funny thing but right now I'm telling myself I should be really scared, but I'm not.

And that's worrying me that I'm not.

Yeah, that's worrying me too.

SQUEAK

And so's that. But surely not being worried is the best thing you can possibly be worried about...

I think.

# Tra-laaaaaa. #

There goes Camera one. Off she goes.

Now Carrie has to do this as quickly as she can,

fastest time on the Qualifier will score ten points,

the slowest a measly one.

# I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. #

-Screeeeech.

-Carrie now breaking not only the sound barrier

but the Total Wipeout screamometer.

Ow! OW!

Even in slow motion she has the voice of an angel...

-Ooowww.

-A very gruff angel.

So the first celebrity to attempt the Dodge Ball Log.

-This is a big... ha ha ha.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha.

That was quite a moment.

At least underwater no-one can hear you scream.

Oh, no, it's space, isn't it, where you can't?

Yeah. I'd like to teach the world to sing. #

Ooh, nearly passed those Dodge Balls. Come on, Carrie.

Oh, it feels so personal, and it is.

She's made it, heading to the Sucker Punch now.

Now the sound of a boxing glove choir

singing in perfect pneumatic harmony. Oo hoo hoo. Oh, dear.

# Song sung blue everybody knows one. #

Oh, Carrie got a pummelling there, at least she didn't damage those vocal chords.

-This is wicked! This is why I came to Argentina for this!

-Really?

I came to Argentina for the duty free, I got a massive Toblerone.

OK, so the first celebrity to attempt the Big Balls,

will Carrie succeed where normal people have failed? Soak up the atmosphere.

This is a big occasion, this is a big moment.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

All right, come on, don't milk it. I mean, at some point you've gotta...

here we go.

She's gonna do it, she's gonna do it.

Oops.

Fantastic! There we have it,

proof that celebrities are just as flawed as regular human beings.

# That o-o-o-o-overpowering feeling... #

So on to the final obstacle, the Leap of Faith.

Still smiling, Carrie a professional to the end.

Ah that's nice, taking the time for a quick prayer...

maybe she's just knackered.

Well, let's see if her prayers will be answered now.

Leap of Faith.

Now.

-Now, Carrie. There we go.

-Come on now!

You can do this.

Yes, you can, so crack on.

At last, here we go.

-# La la la la la. #

-Ooh. Ooh.

Oh, I feel a bit guilty about rushing her now.

It's all about time.

Remember how the celebrities perform here and in the sweeper

will be turned into points

and that will decide who makes it then to the Dizzy Dummies.

Carrie finishing in an epic time of 4:06.

Wicked!

-That was brilliant.

-It's just...

it's like you have to do these things in your life just to make you

-go for it.

-You didn't have to but we're glad you did.

That was epic, it really was.

If they were to make a film of that qualifier, I can't think what they'd call it.

Next it's the turn of TV funny man Tim Vine.

Now Tim's used to playing to an audience.

Tim's agent might have told him this was Strictly Come Dancing.

He'll realise it isn't in a minute when there's no Bruce Forsyth

and his only dance partner is Castro. He has his own unique brand of humour.

Boooo.

-Hi, Tim.

-I can't wait for this, just general knowledge questions?

Do you have any particular strengths, Tim?

Yes, I do. I'm a good listener.

That's not gonna help.

So off he goes, Tim Vine, the man who once told 499 jokes in an hour.

Let's hope he can cross four obstacles in the same time, or less.

Uh-uh. Oh, no, don't talk to him.

Do not heckle the Dodge Ballers, they've got a lot of putdowns.

Round, red, high-speed ones.

Not witty but it is effective.

Hey, Tim, tough crowd, eh? Oh, right.

# Make them laugh make them laugh...#

Claim it was a gag, I would.

Meant that, that was a pratfall.

This will give him material for his next tour

"A funny thing happened on an Argentinian obstacle course.

"Well, not funny, really painful."

And then he'll come up with a great punchline once the pain's stopped.

He's up and about. Now some new punchlines for Tim. See what that did?

Tim has done late night gigs in Edinburgh

so the Sucker Punch should be second nature.

This is doing very well.

Oh!

Some interesting mud patterning on the face for Tim.

That's gone down badly with that particular crowd.

I don't mind.

Tim really in a bit of mud trouble.

Definitely that facial mud patterning is fascinating,

I'm sure he'll be very pleased to see it himself,

-when he's hauled himself out of the pit.

-I knew I should have trained.

He's probably wondering why he's doing this. Why is he doing it?

In 1427 a small peasant soldier from Bulgaria had a dream.

He dreamt about a man from Cheam bouncing off things in a strange place. I am that man!

This is that dream! COME ON!

All right. Yep, that would make sense.

The bit I've dreamt of at the moment,

months of dreaming.

-This is it.

-One small step for a man, a big one for an idiot.

Here we go.

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-Oh.

Yeah, that Bulgarian peasant bloke might be disappointed but I'm not,

what a crowd pleaser!

Tim that was... aargh. Look at that.

Houston, the comedian has landed.

Badly.

Ooh! Ooh!

Good scream work there, that matters.

Tim has the Leap of Faith to go.

Well, that down with this ladder to get to it.

Where are your balls now?

Wow, those Dodge Ballers really can throw those things.

Come on, Tim, you're nearly there.

This'll be something special, I know it, like all the best comedians,

he'll have saved his best material for the end... and the landing.

-Umph.

-Told you, what a showman!

It's like vintage Buster Keaton but in colour... and with sand.

Nah, it's not like it.

This is great TV, isn't it? Man aged 42, slowly dying.

The age Elvis died at, you know,

wish he would have died like this.

And I'll bet he'll finish off with his catchphrase.

The good news is...

it all works.

That's what we were waiting for. Oh, yeah.

That was absolutely genius.

Did it look funny?

Getting out of the mud, that's when you're ready to have ten hours' sleep.

An interview straight after it?

Yeah, whose idea was that as well.

Nothing drives a wedge between husband and wife like the Total Wipeout Qualifier,

-as Strictly Come Dancing duo Ola and James are about to find out.

-Are you gonna beat the missus?

Erm... I know she's here for one reason and one reason only, and that's to beat me.

Ola, are you gonna the old man a thing or two?

Oh, I'm gonna show him how to do it properly.

So it's a classic Mr versus Mrs battle, will age and beauty triumph over the old bloke?

I might be in Argentina but I'm not here to tango,

I'm here to kick my husband's butt!

OK! So the Polish butt-kicker is off.

Will bouncy Ola be able to quickstep her way around the Dodge Ballers?

Or once she's out of the water - which she is -

Will she, will her dancing help?

It may well.

No, doesn't really. No.

No, no, not at all.

Remember, kids, James is a trained dancer. Don't try this at home...

not in my home anyway.

Ugh... you wouldn't catch Michael Flatley doing that!

Ola, meanwhile, getting hammered by the Dodge Balls,

maybe they don't like Strictly Come Dancing, I dunno.

Oop.

OK, sinuses clear and James is ready to go.

I'm here to win Total Wipeout!

Let's hope he's a really bad loser.

Ooh. Whoa, that's...

that's quite a start.

-Oh, right on the twirlies, that's gotta hurt. Ugh.

-Come on!

Yes, this guy's not wasting any time, flying across the Dodge Balls.

Ooh, nearly.

James hanging on in there with...

oh, no, is that a dance move?

It looks... no it's not, is it? No.

Come on, Ola.

Bouncy Ola's taking it a little slower by comparison.

She's not actually even walking any more, just crawling. Back to James.

Come on. Is that all you've got?

James is shouting,

and had some fun.

And he's on to the Sucker Punch very quickly,

fancy footwork coming in handy there,

keeping balanced. Oh... sort of.

Ola somewhat more careful on the Sucker Punch now, but... oh.

No, still on.

No, more careful but equally muddy.

Twirly James making pretty good time,

fingers crossed the Big Balls will slow him down.

Obviously I want them all to win but it's just better when that happens.

That was even better than I'd hoped.

One was good, two all right, but it all went wrong on three.

Land on your face, it's a bad sign.

She's got poise, grace, and flair on the dance floor so can bouncy Ola

use those skills on the Big Balls?

Let's creatively call that a yes. She can.

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

I reckon Craig Revel Horewood would have given that at least an eight.

James will be faster than Ola unless something goes horribly wrong here.

What I'm saying is, there's still time.

Ooh no, there isn't!

James is the first celebrity to make it onto the Leap of Faith.

Oh, 1:28 is a very fast time, and remember the fastest celebrity gets the most points.

Now can Ola do the same?

Come on, Ola, COME ON! Oh, no I think she stopped trying then.

-Bouncy Ola comes home in a leisurely 3:17.

-I've finished!

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

She should know, she's danced with DJ Spoony.

Time to get serious, it's a Total Wipeout first because we have a genuine Olympic legend.

She's won gold medals, she's smashed world records, and she's got a handshake that'll make you cry.

-I'm on there next.

-It's the legendary Fatima Whitbread.

You've been to the Olympics, Fatima, more than once, how does our stadium compare?

Well, it's a mini Olympic course and I will treat it with great respect.

It's a privilege to see a legend like you show us how it's done.

A wobbly start but I'm sure that's just early nerves,

this is a new arena.

Good luck, Dodge Ballers, you won't get near our national treasure.

Oh, no, that one was a fluke!

Don't worry, lightning will not strike twice.

Oh, it has.

Lightning struck twice, it has.

She's an Olympic athlete, lads!

Come on, Fatima, show these Dodge Ballers what Britain is made of.

Come on. That's the way.

Unlucky, Dodge Ballers, you won't get our Fatima now.

Resorting to dirty tactics, making her step on a ball.

That is low. That was... oh, look, that's... no.

On to the Sucker Punch now.

It is unusual to see Fatima Whitbread

without her trusty javelins

but they weren't allowed through airport security,

so she threw them just before she took off.

Doing well here.

She's looking very strong on the wall.

Oh, there's one of her javelins now, lucky miss. Oh, that wasn't, no.

OK, well watch and learn.

This is how an Olympian deals with the Big Balls.

Come on, Fatima.

Focus. Olympian stuff.

Oh, yeah, probably the wind changed there,

otherwise that would have been the perfect jump.

Yeah, you can see clearly the wind changed

at the critical moment and just...

it's finely tuned at that kind of level.

It's just more sensitive, more delicate.

One thing we can be sure of

is that Fatima is going to swing home in style.

Look at the confidence,

Olympians don't need run-ups, she's gonna walk.

This is... I am proud.

Oh. I give up, she's rubbish.

Still making Britain proud after all these minutes,

legendary Fatima finishes in a strong time of 2:42.

It ain't easy, guys.

It ain't easy.

And least all her javelins have arrived now.

There were men over there throwing little red balls at you

and you've thrown things a lot further than that, how do you rate their throwing skills?

Well, I'm just going to go and teach them how to throw properly.

I wouldn't laugh, Castro, she'll turn you into an Argentinian kebab.

So that's five celebs wet, muddy, and bruised.

Let's take a look at the leaderboard.

James waltzes into the lead with an impressive time of 1:28.

Fatima is in second with 2:42 - come on, Fatima!

Ola bounces into third place with 3:17,

while Carrie and funny man Tim both broke the 4-minute barrier...

the wrong way.

Remember, the faster they are, the more points they will earn

to take them into the next round.

So let's go straight back to the action. Amanda's at the top

of the course with our next celebrity, who is, erm...

Who is that?

Oh, Joe Swash, and I know something about Joe -

he's been learning Spanish to break the ice with the Dodge Ballers.

Maradona! Machismo!

But there's only one language the Dodge Ballers understand.

SHRIEKING

Yep, Argentinian.

Joe now played ducking and diving Mickey on EastEnders.

Those Dodge Ballers look pretty unimpressed -

he's getting pummelled! But he's pushing on through.

Look, bravery.

Joe Swash, the swashbuckler.

Yeah, Swash by name, swashbuckler by nature.

First celebrity to make it across today - I think Castro

is a secret EastEnders fan maybe and going easy on him. The Sucker Punch.

He's off and looking strong and confident, leaning out well.

I think we might have a contender here... Oh-ah.

Ha-ha-ha.

Aaargh, swashbuckling Joe makes ready to walk the plank.

Come on, Joe.

Ah. There you go.

The Big Balls. Joe gives himself a clap.

You've got something in your eye there,

it's probably a speck of mud.

OK, that's... Oh-ho!

SHE LAUGHS

That wasn't really walking the plank at all, was it? It was just bouncing

around and falling in the water! Oh, dear.

Just the Leap of Faith left before swashbuckling Joe

can retire to his quarters for a tot of rum and some salted cod...

if that's what he wants.

Ah... Ooh, this is a fast run-up and a good swing, it looks committed...

and an Action Hero landing!

-Finished, yeah!

-That is a cracking time, 1:56.

The second fastest time today, which will score Joe high points.

-That was wicked!

-Joe the Swashbuckler, that was unbelievable.

It was all right. I thought... I can't really talk properly.

Well, that's a prerequisite for appearing on EastEnders, isn't it?

They ask that at the audition.

From one soap star to another, it's Adele Silva of Emmerdale fame,

and now Celebrity Total Wipeout fame.

Adele, I'm a little bit worried about you cos you're only a teeny little unit.

I'm 5 foot nothing, I've got absolutely no hope at all.

I think I'm the shortest person here.

This is actually more challenging for the Dodge Ballers

than it is for Adele - they've barely got anything to aim at.

This is a good performance so far though -

she's looking sprightly and nimble.

Mind you, scaling those blocks is the equivalent

of a normal-size person shimmying up Ben Nevis.

What? She's shorter than me, I'm allowed!

Sucker Punch now. Don't worry, the high up ones, Adele,

will miss you by a mile.

She's taking her time but she's doing very well, actually.

Brilliantly, in fact.

Oh.

Oh, right at the end.

If you're Adele's size, that's like being hit by an elephant.

Right, to the Big Balls, and if they look big to you,

just imagine how they look to tiny Adele.

MUSIC: Theme from 2001 A Space Odyssey

That's one giant leap...followed by three more giant leaps.

OK. Big run up for Adele, spring forward, number one, number...ooh!

Adele's gone for a cleansing dip.

Mind you, she's so light she can probably pond skate

the Leap of Faith on the surface tension.

Right. Remember, if this looks a bit intimidating to you,

it must be terrifying for tiny Adele.

Mind the gap...

and it's quite a gap.

Here's the run up, still running up, lot of running up, still...

it's an awful long way for those little actor's legs.

And finally, the run up completed,

she jumps... she falls.

And that was disappointing.

Nevertheless, the pint-sized pocket rocket reaches the finish

in a very respectable 2:47, which in Adele years is about three days.

Next, it's Kevin Adams, celebrity fitness guru.

He's not here for the fame or the money - he just wants

to motivate Britain to get out there and do stuff.

Oh, incidentally, did I mention his Total Wipeout Workout DVD will be

available soon? Priced at £14.99, available from all good retailers.

You're a man with his eye on the prize, I take it?

-Yes, my eye's on the prize.

-Anything that's going to scare you today?

The water, the mud, and the height,

and the cold. Apart from that, I should be OK.

-Good luck, Kevin.

-Let's dance!

# Everybody dance, now! #

So Kevin, it turns out - scared of pretty much everything,

but will he be scared of the Dodge Ballers?

He doesn't look it so far,

and making quick work of this.

That was flawless over there,

and on to the Rolling Beam, that's absolutely flawless!

-Phenomenal. Oh, no, now it's flawed, and wet.

-What was that?

Kev already faced two of his fears, cold and water. It is mud next.

-Come on, Kev.

-Will Kev be scared of the Sucker Punch?

-Urgh!

-Yeah, he will.

Clearly he was, you could see it.

And crawl... and one...

-and crawl... and two.

-Kev about to face his next challenge.

Don't worry about that, Kev, it's just a rope. That's to help you out.

Just to get you out.

This is the scary bit. Now you can be afraid, very afraid.

They're big, they're red, they're high,

and you're almost certainly going to fall off.

Come on, Kev!

Come on! One... two... three...

Oh-ho, no!

Business as usual. Kev made it to the third ball,

and that actually is the best performance we've seen so far today.

And he does look strong...

wet, but strong.

Now, he must face his final fear - it's the terrifying Leap of Faith.

But first, something he won't be scared of - a ladder.

No, OK, doesn't like ladders.

Well, you know, many people don't.

Kev makes it up the ladder to the high platform overlooking the water.

This is like aversion therapy,

he stares fear in the eye and goes for it.

Ooh, he really goes straight for it.

Kev, what are you doing? Kev? Kev?! Oh, he's scared of water, isn't he?

He's forgotten he's also scared of rope. This is a nightmare.

Yeah, now he's remembered the rope.

So at last the ordeal is over for poor Kev.

He can relax, chill out, and unwind.

Or can he?

No, cos he's still got the Sweeper to go.

I ache from head to toe.

-I can imagine Hammond's voiceover right now.

-You can hear it, listen.

'Oh, no, I never have sugar in tea. Right, where are we?

'Who's he? Oh, it's Kevin Adams.'

Oh, this is with celebrities.

It ain't easy, guys.

-It ain't easy.

-This is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Yeah, whose idea was that?

What this qualifier needs is a smart approach, a bit of intelligence and

sophistication, and here's just the lady.

She's a journalist, she's been in Dictionary Corner, she's an

all-round boffin. It is Kaye Adams.

I don't want to run the rest of the contestants down,

but I think you're a little bit brainier than the rest of them.

Are you sure you've thought this through?

I don't think any brains are gonna come in to this whatsoever.

Kaye is off. Don't worry, Kaye, the Dodge Ballers told me

they're big fans of Loose Women...

although that might be a different show in Argentina that they meant.

Yeah, oh... And this isn't...

Well. Come on, Kaye! This is...

Oh, no! I bet it was never like this on Countdown, was it?

No. But at least while she's actually in the water

she'll get a break from those Dodge Balls.

Oh, come on, guys, that's hardly fair.

It's funny, yeah, it is, but hardly fair.

Oh... ooh.

Kaye almost past those Dodge Ballers but next it's the obstacle that may

well knock some sense out of her, the Sucker Punch.

I reckon Kaye will have devised a brainy strategy for this. Oh...

Clever! See what you did there.

Using her nose to shield her face from the full force of a Sucker Punch - that is genius!

-What would Julie Andrews do now?

-Erm, that's a slightly odd question.

Here's the answer: Julie Andrews would sack her agent for making her,

a 74-year-old musical legend, do a ridiculous obstacle course.

Has that helped? No.

These trousers are ruined.

Kaye used her formidable intelligence to work out

the perfect trajectory to bounce across these balls. She will have.

Yeah, she'll have worked that out.

Yes, she has.

No, she hasn't. Must have forgot.

# So long, farewell auf wiedersehen, good night... #

To lose dignity, first you must have some. Kaye lost hers then.

Her brain is telling her to abort but she's pushing on to the final

obstacle, the Leap of Faith.

Just imagine all the calculations that must be going on in her head

right now - angle, acceleration, grip, strength, speed...

gravity. Oh. Maybe with all that lot going on

she forgot to hold on - that's what happened.

Kaye now calculating the shortest route to the top of the podium,

she'd have worked it... She's gone past the steps.

She's not really that clever, is she?

Kaye!

-Kaye, come back!

-Oh, my God.

And so Kaye finishes in a time of 4:05, and you don't have to be

Kaye Adams to figure out that isn't one of today's best times.

Our final celebrity of the day

is Waterloo Road and Casualty actor Luke Bailey.

Luke's time spent on Casualty should come in useful now. He'll be able to

diagnose exactly what damage he's doing to himself on the course.

Guys, get used to seeing the back of my head today cos you're gonna be seeing a lot of it.

Fighting talk from Luke.

So Luke is off.

-That's a cold dip, need a hot water bottle for that.

-What am I doing?

What are you doing? Good question. Looks like...

injuring yourself, yeah, that's my diagnosis.

Nurse, we've got a scuffed knee,

get me 20ml of pink ointment and a Mr Bump plaster.

The Dodge Ballers say they'd like to see Luke back in Casualty.

Again, I'm not sure that we're talking about the programme.

Very real danger of a verruca here.

-Talcum powder on standby on a trolley.

-What was I thinking?

No, he's through it, but will he avoid injury on the Sucker Punch?

Oh, this is several minor injuries just waiting to happen...maybe not.

He's across! That was fabulous.

-Can he make the Big Balls look easy as well?

-Here I go.

He's not hanging around, he's...

Ha-ha-ha, no. He's actually made them look really quite difficult,

is what he did there.

Major tumble. Left untreated, that could lead to a gammy knee

or maybe a little twinge in the back when you do that...

How's he still going with all these injuries?

He's like the Six Million Dollar Man.

Now I look like David Hasselhoff.

Oh, he's getting delirious now.

OK, the Leap of Faith.

Please, no more minor accidents,

the medicine cabinet is bare. I've got no more plasters left.

Oh, he makes it!

Luke Bailey, the second quickest time today with 1:31.

A lot of excitement here in the studio...

I say "studio" - it's four planks on some Argentinian scaffolding and an

Argentinian soundman in the corner.

Let's have a look at the leader board.

Taking the top spot is James scoring a maximum 10 points.

Luke Bailey is second, with Joe in third and Kev in fourth.

Fatima is the fastest girl - not surprisingly - comes in fifth.

Not quite so impressive in sixth is Adele, followed by Ola.

Kaye is in eighth, Carrie is next with funny man Tim at the bottom,

taking a measly single point into the next round.

Remember, there's still time to claw back some dignity on the Sweeper,

possibly. Dignity's the wrong word.

Just writing a letter to Heat. "Spotted! Luke Bailey, falling

"from a great height off giant inflatable balls in Argentina.

"He looked hot."

OK, all 10 celebrities have now tackled the Qualifier.

It's time for all 10 to tackle the Sweeper.

Should be fun... if you think being hit in the face

by a giant rotating arm is funny, which I do.

Let's have a look at what's in store.

As ever, all they have to do is balance on those things

and avoid that other thing. All their Qualifier positions

have been turned into points and after the Sweeper we'll do the same again.

Last man standing gets 10, first to fall gets just one,

the top five celebrities then go through to the next round.

Right, let's get on to the fun.

On podiums 1 and 2 stand kings of the Qualifier, James...

This is for my Mum and Dad sitting at home. This is for you!

-..and Luke Bailey.

-Adele, I think your taxi's here, love. Bye.

On podiums 3 and 4 it's Joe Swash...

Hello, Harry, I love you, son.

I miss you. This is for you, boy.

-..and Kevin Adams.

-Daddy's gonna do it for you, you, you, you. Booo!

On 5 and 6, it's the legendary Fatima...

This is for my son Ryan, go!

..and Adele Silva.

Has anyone seen a bus stop?

That catchphrase will never catch on.

On podiums 7 and 8, Ola Jordan...

James, watch out, I'll still coming for you.

-..and Kaye Adams.

-Do me a favour, just put me out of my misery.

Now, THAT is a catchphrase.

Finally, it's slowcoaches Carrie Grant...

This isn't funny any more.

..and someone who probably is still funny - Tim Vine.

I'm in last position, I've been written off like a car driven into a wall at 70mph.

Could this be the mother of all comebacks? Answers on a postcard.

Told you.

What's the difference between a celebrity falling off a podium and a normal person falling off a podium?

Absolutely nothing. It's the Sweeper, are you all ready?

-Yay!

-Celebrities are so high maintenance.

Three...two...one!

Here we go.

James will be the first to jump.

Will anyone fall on the first spin of the Sweeper?

Oops...

Ola's gone. Ola waltzes off her podium,

she is the first celebrity to fall and scores just one point.

That was pretty scary. I could tango all days long but I couldn't do this.

No, Ola, you couldn't, as it turned out.

But everyone else? Well, it's a staggering display.

They're all staying on!

They're just like real people showing actual determination.

The remaining nine celebrities all jumping well.

James goes over, Luke, Joe, Kevin, Fatima -

come on, Fatima, stay up - Adele, Kay, Carrie

and Tim are still there.

This is real life determination, I didn't expect to see this.

The Sweeper arm getting higher with every turn,

as it does for normal people.

Remember, they need to stay on top of those podiums to get as many points as possible.

The next to fall will score just two points whilst the last standing will score a maximum 10.

Oh, hang on, what happened there?

I think Adele's bottled it, and now Carrie's gone as well.

Yeah, Adele thinks about it for a moment, decides she's had enough,

and takes a cold bath.

It is so much harder and scarier than it looks, cos them podiums wobble as well.

Carrie goes out with an awkward fall. Ow-ow!

It's just horrible, the bar comes towards you and you just think, I'm gonna die.

Not a good day for the girls - neither Adele nor Carrie did very

well in the Qualifier so it's not looking good for either of them now.

Tim, who was last in the Qualifier, is still hanging on in there.

Maybe this could be that mother of all comebacks he was talking about.

Oh, Kaye's opted for Adele's approach,

and I think Luke Bailey's gone as well.

They're like lemmings up there today.

I don't like it any more.

All of a sudden, Kaye's massive brain obviously

telling her one thing - "this isn't fun any more, I'm getting off."

I know I bottled it but your adrenalin's pumping, your heart is coming out of your chest.

And now look at this from Luke.

It's horrible. Got down onto the podium thing, and as the bar came,

it hit me.

Now I understand why they wear helmets, look.

This is gonna shake up the leader board. Which five will make it through to the next round?

Tim, stay on there, you need more points.

Oh, no! Fatima's fallen. Fatima has gone, and Tim as well finally.

Fatima just mistimed her landing.

I'm sixth off the podium so if my sums are right then I hope that I should get through on that.

That bar is so high now, I'm not surprised Tim came a cropper.

We've all been having the same sort of thought, which is, it's great to be here, but it's also frightening.

I imagine it's the same as if someone set fire to you.

Exciting but painful.

Remember, the longer they stay on, the more points they get.

-Has Tim done enough to stay in the competition?

-Fingers crossed?

They are, yeah, it's an injury.

-Mate, shall we all bail out?

-Yeah, that's it.

It's a good idea, tempting I'm sure,

Kev asking if the final few want to bail out, but no.

I don't see anyone else bailing.

-Aargh!

-Oh! That was a fall with star quality.

James takes a leap, which means Joe is the last man standing.

Hideous.

Hideous. All I could hear in my head was R Kelly. # I believe I can fly #

Well, considering he was scared of water, that is going to leave Kev traumatised, I would say, for weeks.

And then James gets ready for another series of

Strictly Jumping Off Podiums.

Scary. When that thing is coming towards you, it is going fast and it's high.

It is, but Joe kept his nerve and is our last celebrity man standing, scoring a maximum 10 points.

I'm very proud, cos I'm only short, got little

stumpy legs, you know, so I've got to jump a bit higher than everyone else.

So I'm over the moon, chuffed.

So the Sweeper has done exactly what it said it would in its poorly translated instruction manual -

swept 10 famous people right off their famous feet.

But which famous five will go through to the Dizzy Dummies?

Let's look at the leader board to find out.

Converting both performances into points gives us the top five,

and right at the top, king of the Qualifier, James Jordan.

Last man standing Joe Swash is through in second place.

Kevin has booked his place, he's in third,

and despite his lemming impression, Luke is through in fourth.

Fatima's sums were right, she scrapes through. Come on, Fatima!

These five are all gonna miss out - Tim by one place, Kaye then joins

Adele in joint seventh. Ola and Carrie languish at the bottom.

It's farewell to all those five.

So it's goodbye to Carrie.

Keep laughing, Tim.

# The sun ain't gonna shine any more... #

Keep on dancing, Ola.

You'll always be big in our hearts, Adele.

And remember, Kaye, the pen is mightier than the fall.

So we have our five qualifiers for the Dizzy Dummies.

One of them will soon be heading home with a cool £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

Let's remind ourselves of who they are - I'm still hazy on a couple of them - and how they got here.

First up, it's Strictly's James Jordan.

-Next, is Eastender Joe Swash.

-I can't really talk properly.

More bruises than an overripe tomato in a blender, it's Luke Bailey.

And fitness guru Kev, DVD now available at a discounted price.

-The last celebrity is Olympic legend Fatima.

-It ain't easy, guys.

The boys don't stand a chance.

-It ain't easy.

-And so, on to the Dizzy Dummies, and look where I am.

I'm gonna watch, I'm so gonna turn round and watch.

Our celebrities should be good at this, given that it's the only sport

for which falling out of nightclubs is training.

Let's take a look at exactly what they're up against today.

The ordeal begins with a sickening spin in a Dizzy Dummy, 40 seconds of

sheer terror as five celebrities all blur into one really famous face.

Then they're off for a wet scramble through the stumbling saloon doors,

over the rolling logs, to the finish line.

Last one to finish is a rotten tomato and even worse,

he's out of the competition. The remaining four

then strap themselves back into the Dizzy Dummy

and do the whole horrible thing again.

This time it's the Crazy Cutouts and the Donuts, until just three remain to face the Wipeout Zone.

Five dizzy celebrities...

nothing new there then.

-It's Dizzy Dummies. Are you all ready?

-No.

Three...two...one!

So five will shortly become three...

I don't mean because of a terrible accident,

I mean, it's not that unsafe... Well, "unsafe" as defined by Argentinian law. We checked.

Still spinning but slowing.

The seatbelts are undone, Luke Bailey's making an early break...

back to the Dizzy Dummy again. I'm confused.

They don't call them the Dizzy Dummies for nothing,

but that is like watching the Chuckle Brothers.

James displays some fancy footwork,

Oh, and he's across! That was genuinely superb.

Luke, meanwhile, is still back at the start.

Now, legendary Fatima makes her run...for it...

Can Kev conquer his fear and make it across? Oh, that was phenomenal.

Just like James, Kevin made that look easy, and believe me when I say it isn't.

Or don't believe it, there's nothing I can do about it. It really isn't.

Right, the thespian treading the logs now and...

Hoo-hoo! That's a terrible place to fall,

it really is.

Now there he is, I was wondering where Joe had got to.

Oh, not quite the panache of James or Kevin but he's...

Oh, no, he's in, he's in too.

That's tickled Kev.

Fatima, take two, I've got a good feeling...

I shouldn't say anything, I spoil it each time. Come on now, Luke.

Come on, Luke. Yow!

Ow, at the last hurdle!

A double footwear malfunction to blame there,

and perhaps too much gravity just there.

Joe looking good now, making a dash, come on! OH!

Slightly unnecessary swan dive to finish, but he'll join James and Kevin in the next Dizzy Dummies.

Just Fatima and Luke are left,

the last one across now will be eliminated. Fatima making progress.

Yeah...she's down again.

The landing looked good but the legend just topples backwards.

All these attempts have got to be taking their toll. While Fatima swims back to the start,

Luke Bailey has got time to compose himself and here we go, he's making his dash.

And he's done it! He has done it, Luke Bailey

is across, leaving legendary Fatima with the wooden spoon.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Fatima.

You were so close so many times, what went wrong at the end?

Well, it's just one of those things, isn't it?

You give your all and hope it's good enough but unfortunately it wasn't quite enough.

We've all been rooting for you all day, Fatima. Thank you so much.

So Fatima Whitbread's Total Wipeout adventure ends there -

proof that Total Wipeout is actually harder than the Olympics.

The remaining four will be spun again and then tackle the Donuts, so it's over to Amanda.

Thanks, Richard. All right, here we go again.

Are you guys all ready?

Three...two...one!

Luke Bailey, Joe Swash, James Jordan, Kevin Adams -

which one won't be going through to the Wipeout Zone?

Ahhh! Stop it!

Stop it?! Er, no!

It's the Crazy Cutouts this time, James. Yeah, that way, there you go.

Let's go through the square one.

Oh, who will make it first onto a Donut? It's James.

James is the first to make it onto a Donut.

Joe Swash now has joined him for some friendly wrestling, on a giant inflatable Donut.

Oh, James is on to the second... with his face. Ha-ha-ha!

Seems to be some sort of teamwork going on - we haven't seen this before.

Nice to see people making friends on the Total Wipeout course.

James on to the third Donut now, he's just hanging on - those things are greased and incredibly slippery.

Joe falls and pulls James in - so much for teamwork.

Kev meanwhile leapfrogs Luke Bailey

and makes it onto the second. Can Luke catch up?

Oh, yes, but that Donut ain't big enough for the both of them.

Well, it is actually - you could probably fit two or three others on there.

Oh, lovely to see our old friend the classic face plant

making a return to this event.

Oh, we waited and it was worth it, there it is.

Joe now doing his best to throw Kevin off that Donut.

He's taking everyone off with him.

Oh, and teammate James not that far behind.

Seeing what these celebrities are really made of now.

Joe prepares to overtake Kev but fails.

I think Kevin's moved in, if he stays on that Donut a

little longer he'll be able to claim squatter's rights.

It's not actually yours.

Luke is now back in the running.

Finally, someone makes it to the third Donut. Kevin still on two...

just joined by Luke Bailey, it is turning into mayhem out there.

Kevin finally ready to pounce I think.

Oh, and it's a disaster!

Just gone wrong.

Luke meanwhile joins James on third.

Just one jump to go now and they'll be into the Wipeout Zone.

Joe's made it onto second but not very comfortably.

In fact, it looks like... Have the Donuts bitten back?

They have, and with a shoulder injury for Joe,

-this round is prematurely over.

-Are you OK?

Beyond the call of duty and proving that celebrities are indeed

just flesh and blood after all, Joe's swashbuckling days are over

as he is forced to retire with honour, dignity,

and a really, really massive Mr Bump plaster.

So really bad luck for Joe there, he won't be carrying on.

That means Luke, Kevin, and James go through to the Wipeout Zone.

One of those three will be going home with £10,000 for the charity of their choice.

Let's see what our three brave finalists have to say for themselves.

From the moment we all met at the airport it's been absolute madness.

Total Wipeout is the most intense and ridiculous and fun experience I've ever had.

When you're sitting at home, it does look so easy.

It's tough, you know? This has been really tough.

James and Kevin do not scare me one bit.

These guys are old, they should be scared of me.

James Jordan, he's the man.

He's the man with the plan.

-It's gonna be a piece of cake.

-I'm quietly confident, to be fair.

-I'm there, I'm in the mix.

-I'll be in with a chance...

a fighting chance.

I will die rather than not finish that course.

If I break my legs, I'm gonna drag myself round there.

I think tonight, from the start I'm gonna be scared.

It's just a mass of madness.

Everything scares me a little bit...

-Ha-ha!

-It is scary.

I will not watch this show again with the same eyes.

So it all comes down to this. Three celebrities,

40,000 gallons of water, a lot of noisy machinery, four Argentinian frogmen, but only one trophy.

Who will be returning to the UK crowned Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion?

Luke will be going first.

They've all put in an heroic performance today - just one more giant effort is needed.

It's the Wipeout Zone.

So it works like this. Killer Surf, the toughest obstacle ever.

Barrel Run. So, OK, this is the toughest obstacle ever.

Climbing Wall - actually, that's pretty difficult too.

Spinner, I'll have to rethink my toughness scale.

Brusher, let's start again - this is the toughest obstacle ever.

Launch Pads.

Actually, they're all really difficult, except for the end where you just need to push a button.

The sun has gone down, the stars are out, but there's no red carpet here

on the Celebrity Wipeout Zone, and Luke is first to brave it.

Luke Bailey is about to take on the greatest role of his life.

-Arrrgggh!

-The Wipeout Zone challenger number one.

Whooo!

He's off, and he's in.

Luke has impressed so far with the second fastest qualifier run

of the day, but that's not strictly gonna help him here.

On to that greased beam first of all.

The barrels head towards Luke like Waterloo Road fans

wanting autographs, but Luke jumps over them...

and my analogy breaks down at that point. The Climbing Wall now.

Luke carefully steps out onto the narrow ledge, a difficult climb

made more difficult by the cascading water.

Looking good...

looking very good.

And Luke Bailey is across,

will he become the first celebrity to land on the Spinner? He is.

Now it's getting off the Spinner,

where so many fail. It costs them a lot of precious time.

And he's... These guys are really good, I didn't expect this.

Just two obstacles remain, Brusher first.

Ooooh, it was looking so good to that point.

Typical, actually, you see he can't resist adding a little bit of drama to the proceedings.

Looking so strong until the Brusher,

it cost him a lot of time. A climb to the Launch Pads now.

Luke Bailey going for it now, this

is still a very good time if he can hold it together on the Launch Pads.

Yes, he's onto the second Launch Pad almost straight away,

and Luke Bailey comes home in an incredible 1:27.

Well done! Bravo, encore. Actually, no, no encore, save yourself.

Well, for that incredible performance,

Luke deserves an Oscar. Maybe not an Oscar but at least a TV Quick award.

That said, will he be fast enough to win him the £10,000 for his chosen charity?

That was amazing.

I was looking forward to it, I was nervous. Oh, dear!

I can tell you right now that your time, Luke, tonight was 1:27.

Yeah, I'm happy with that, very happy with that, yeah.

-Whoo!

-Yours is the time to beat, and next up is Kevin.

If Kevin Adams thought the previous rounds were scary,

well, he was right, but this one is extra scary.

Come on Kevo.

Here we go.

In the air, and that was a Wipeout Zone rarity,

Kevin was still in the ring when he landed.

The Barrel Run next.

The celebrity fitness instructor heads up the greased beam

and makes that look easy. Now the Barrels.

He makes those look like a warm-up exercise. On to the Climbing Wall.

Kevin must be a bit worried about that torrent of water -

it makes it so difficult to stay on.

Come on, son, that's it. Speed up now.

Look where you're going, that's it.

Again, what is it with celebrities? I thought they'd be just hopeless.

This guy's looking really confident.

He's crossed the wall. The Spinner is next...

And he's straight on there.

No fear at all for Kevin as he prepares for the dismount.

This is the tricky bit, but again a very solid landing.

Almost matching Luke at the moment.

This is where Luke got knocked off by the Brusher,

will Kevin defeat it? Oooh!

I thought he'd done it!

Few, in fact, have ever managed it, but Kevin came very close to

traversing the Brusher, really achingly close there.

This is turning into a mirror image of Luke's run so far, just

the Launch Pads to go between Kevin and the button at the end.

He's gonna do a double flip, I can see it in his eyes.

Just the two to go...

He's on. Oh, no, he's down...

Ooh, and by the looks of things, out as well.

Poor Kev, is he all right?

Is he injured?

Yep, a leg injury finishes it and that's awful news for Kevin, who got

off to a strong start on the Wipeout Zone - great landing, great Barrel Run - and so nearly beat the

Brusher, but then launched himself into that pylon.

Bad luck for poor Kevin there.

So Luke holds the lead, only one man stands between him and the title. It's James.

Let's go down to the course to see who will be crowned the very first

Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion.

-He was fastest in the qualifier and second in the Sweeper...

-Come on!

..but can James waltz his way to Total Wipeout glory?

So this competition just turned into a head to head

between James and Luke - not that James knows it yet.

He hasn't seen either of the previous two runs,

all he knows is he's got to go as fast as he can.

Up the greased beam, time to pirouette over some barrels, woo.

-That is genuinely graceful.

-Wow!

-Yeah...ohhh!

James's nimble toes useful on the ledge,

also you need strength for the Climbing Wall,

a lot of strength to hold up against that torrent of water.

And again,

James just dashing it off.

-He's made it...and is on to the Spinner.

-Aaargh.

-Ooh!

-James is...ooh. Up and focusing on his target,

he knows this is critical, this point.

Timing it, he makes his leap...

and he slips!

Just manages to stay on, manages to get a foot on the ladder,

and that save may well have bagged his charity £10,000.

The Brusher next, two falls so far today for the Brusher...

-And make that three.

-This is going to be close.

So Luke, Kevin, and now James have all fallen at the Brusher.

He's still pushing on,

James is straight up the ladder to attempt the Launch Pads.

His chances of winning now have got to be all but over,

but he's still throwing himself.

Oh, no, that's got to hurt.

He makes his leap...

-Ooo! Oh, no, this is...

-He's on!

-He's got back...

Somehow, he's saved that.

That is miraculous. One final jump for James...

And he's done it!

What in incredible recovery from James - that was so nearly over...

-Whoo-hoo!

-..so many times.

A truly amazing effort from James. Those quick feet only let him down once on the Brusher.

Remember, James doesn't know how the others have done yet so let's go

straight to Amanda to crown our first celebrity champion.

Oh, James, how are you doing?

You know what, I done the best I could possibly do.

Either way, I gave it my best shot and whoever won,

it's gonna go to a good charity.

I've got to tell you, James, you have been so determined.

Luke, you've been talking the talk and walking the walk and

that cockiness has won you the title of Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion!

So Casualty star Luke Bailey has become our first Total Wipeout

Celebrity Champion, and earns DebRA,

a charity that works with genetic skin disorders, the £10,000 prize.

Congratulations to him, they'll be partying late into the night in Buenos Aires.

In fact, there they all go now,

conga-ing their way to the crew bus ready for the celebrations ahead.

And there goes the bus off...

into the night.

So, from me, here in Argentina, 30 feet up in the air...

with no discernable means of getting down, I'll see you next time!

HOWL

Right...I just heard a puma.

I think I heard a puma.

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