Champion of Champions Total Wipeout

Eight weeks.

Eight champions.

And a bunch of runners-up wanting payback.

Fly them all back to Argentina to compete for the ultimate title,

the Champion Of Champions, and what have you got?

A huge number of air miles.

A lot of lost luggage.

And a 17 hour delay in Madrid.

And Total Wipeout, The Final.

Buenos Aires, South America, 7000 miles from home.

If you're sensing deja vu, spare a thought for the finalists

who have already done the world's hardest obstacle course, and now they've got to do it all over again.

Only the best of the best have been invited back.

There's another £10,000 at stake, but the honour of being series champion is priceless.

Let the final commence.

Welcome to Total Wipeout, The Final.

Before you write to the BBC about us wasting your licence fee

on this lavish set, don't worry,

it's not actually as big or expensive as it looks.

You see, it's quite small.

We haven't been lavish at all.

Oh, it's still wet!

Over the last eight weeks, we've seen 160 competitors fall, bounce and swim.

But it all boils down to this.

What a journey it's been to get here.

160 contestants have shuffled excitedly through the Total Wipeout doors.

Eight left in glory. There was Jumping Jack.

Gymnast Rachel.

Cowman Aaron.

Unassuming Ricky.

Nervous Anthony.

Rowing John.

Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam.

And Amanda's Favourite, James.

Plus a whole load of runners-up who boarded the plane home in despair.

But now they're back, and desperate to be crowned series champion.

For some, it's a chance to add another 10 grand to what they've already won.

For the others, it's a chance to regain lost pride. And this is what they face.

The Qualifier. We've made it harder.

The Sweeper. It's always been hard.

Dizzy Dummies, chuffing hard.

And the Wipeout Zone, diamond-coated, tungsten carbide-tipped hard.

That's a lot of course for one person.

But someone's got to win

and become the Champion Of Champions.

Honestly, I'm so excited, I think I might nip to the lavatory.

No, I'm not going anywhere.

I've got the best seat in the house.

Well, technically it's the only seat in the house.

Let's get straight over to Amanda to get things going on the Qualifier

with our first returnee, Dan from Brighton, who was runner-up on his last trip to Argentina.

What have you been doing to prepare for not being runner-up again?

Well, Amanda, I've been working out a bit, working on the old guns.

Before and after, big difference.

Old Dan on the left isn't even in colour,

plus his head's too big for a headband now.

I'm ridiculously confident at the moment, Amanda,

about showing these best of the best how it's done, you know.

Last time I got the silver. Now watch me go for gold!

OK, the first of the best is off,

with an innovative knee scoot approach.

Looks a bit nervous, and he should be,

because the first obstacle is something a little bit special,

created just for the champions.

This is no ordinary rope over the mud.

It's the Tightrope Of Terror over the mud. Mission, cross it.

This is going to be almost impossible.

Good attempt, though, from Return of the Headband Dan.

Second chance to shine.

Oh, he jumps clear!

That's determined.

On to the Sucker Punch, now. Dan didn't enjoy this much, last time.

SHE LAUGHS

At least Amanda enjoyed it this time!

No introduction needed to the next part of the Qualifier.

If you do need one, it's this, the Big Balls. Obviously, they are.

How many Balls will Dan make? The best of the best. Here we go.

One.

Oops!

It was quite a dramatic one, but still only one. Anybody else disappointed already?

I thought maybe he might have learnt.

No? OK. One.

On to the last obstacle, then.

It's an unwelcome return for the uncompromising Lunar Landing.

Land on there. Will Return of the Headband Dan make it?

Oh, yes! What a great finish to the first run of the day.

1 minute 38. Certainly competitive.

If Dan's time is anything to go by,

I think we could be set for some pretty incredible performances today.

Let's have the next one, then.

Who is it? Give me a clue.

Where's Andy?

# Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man... #

Oh, yeah, No Gary Barlow Andy.

-There he is!

-Oh, sorry, I kind of spoiled the surprise a bit there.

Coming third last time around means

Andy has to put in a good performance to do better.

So on to the Tightrope Of Terror.

Oh, clever boy!

Why didn't Return of the Headband Dan do it like that? That works.

Oh, maybe that's why, actually. Doesn't work.

Oh, dear. Making a meal of the mud, which is strongly discouraged

by the on-site paramedics.

The Sucker Punch next.

Double punch!

Not a vintage performance so far from Andy.

On the plus side, it's a vintage performance by the Sucker Punch.

Quality stuff. Always a champion in itself.

Andy's been in serious training for this.

He's been eating cereal four times a day and given up takeaway food.

Still making a very large splash, Andy. Need to eat less cereal.

See what I mean?

No Gary Barlow Andy hauls himself up onto the Lunar Landing.

Hurrying up not appearing to be part of his keep-fit regime.

This is not looking like a Champion Of Champions time.

Is this slowed down? No.

He swings. Slowly.

And misses. Slowly.

Chicken chow mein for Andy!

Where's Andy?

At the bottom of the leaderboard.

And with a time of 3 minutes, 7 seconds,

likely to stay somewhere round about there.

Right, what have we got next?

Oh, from two finalists who lost last time around

to the first of the Total Wipeout Champions.

Arguably the most surprising winner of the series,

he holds not only the title of Champion,

but also that of the most timid competitor ever seen.

18-year-old trainee flight attendant, Nervous Anthony.

One thing I remember from last time is that you weren't very confident.

-Can I just ask what I'm doing?

-The fact that you've already won Total Wipeout,

surely you're much more confident this time. Are you?

-No.

-What are you most afraid of today? Is there anything that you're scared of?

The thing that scares me the most is these big guys, the muscly ones, with arms bigger than my head.

What, like one of these?

It's Unassuming Ricky, another Total Wipeout Champion.

You didn't have much to say about yourself last time you were here.

When you watch me, you'll believe the hype.

And you'd better witness the fitness!

The biggest competition, I'd probably say, is my own ego.

The Hulk is back, baby!

I'm bigger, I'm better, I'm faster, I'm stronger.

Yeah, yeah, whatever, shouty, shouty, shout.

I've heard enough of that. Get on with it, Ricky.

So, the mild-mannered man mountain sets off on his quest

to claim victory once again.

He's up and out and onto the Tightrope.

Oh! Ow!

Someone call casualty. For me!

That's not pretty, Ricky.

The Sucker Punch. Oh, hello, fancy footwork.

Grapple the Sucker Punch to the ground!

Yes.

Oh! Almost balletic.

Maybe not.

Not only a Total Wipeout Champion,

also a Disco Dancing On The Sucker Punch Champion, too.

Look at his moves!

Back to Nervous Anthony. I forgot about him. He's waiting to start.

Are those his legs?

Knotted string? I don't know.

Last time I flew round the course.

Now I'm going to leave you all in Departures!

That's what he says to all the passengers!

Great start from Nervous Anthony.

Onto the Tightrope Of Terror.

Briefly.

Right, the Balls.

Making good distance there, vertically.

Just the Lunar Landing left.

He overshoots,

and then undershoots.

Nervous Anthony posts a time of 2 minutes 27 seconds,

which might just be good enough. Only time will tell.

Back to one of the many things that Anthony's nervous of,

Unassuming Ricky.

Onto the Big Balls now. Remember, these are the best of the best.

Catapulted into the pool by Big Ball number two.

Just the Lunar Landing to go,

and if he makes it, I'm sure we'll never hear the end of it.

-You like that, baby? WHOOOH!

-I had a feeling that was coming.

The next contestant is Gymnast Rachel,

the first and only girl to become a Total Wipeout Champion.

I think she's earned a nickname upgrade. Arise, Queen Rachel!

Rachel, we're not worthy, we're not worthy.

I'm just taking over where the Spice girls left off.

Queen Rachel sets off. Time for a dose of girl power.

You don't have to climb that bit, Rachel.

Someone's got a hidden talent.

First lady Champion, first one across the tightrope.

Truly regal from Queen Rachel. That's magnificent.

Balance, poise, speed.

All useless on the Sucker Punch,

but she's doing incredibly, storming past the gloves.

Is she going to make it? Taking the pain.

She's cleared everything so far.

What about the Balls?

One, two, three, four.

Kind of. Tried to wear the fourth one as a hat.

Another first for Rachel.

The first person to get her face entirely absorbed by the ball.

Look at that, it's gone.

Can Queen Rachel crown this run with a perfect landing?

Maybe she can, maybe she can.

Oh, yes, she can. Oh, no. No.

But 1 minute 44, a majestic time from Queen Rachel.

Let's see where that puts her on the leaderboard.

That nifty run from Queen Rachel puts her in second place

behind Return Of The Headband Dan and just ahead of Unassuming Ricky.

Nervous Anthony is in fourth,

whilst No Gary Barlow Andy has the slowest time so far today.

Next on the Qualifier, two Geordies, two Chrises.

Both of them were runners-up and both are fighting back.

First to go, 45-year-old Karate Chris.

Karate Chris...

HE BABBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY

-Subtitles, please?

-OK, no idea!

Karate Chris's eight-year-old son, Daniel, is very proud of his dad

coming back for the Champions show. I should think so, too.

Do him proud.

Chris from the Philippines should have absolutely no problem

being nimble across the Tightrope.

How does she make that?

Well, let's see if she's right. Oh, yeah, useful.

Karate and tightrope walking are different, Amanda.

Trying again.

Well, let's look at the positives. His hair's not muddy yet.

Chris back on track.

Hello! His eyes are muddy.

At the top of the course now

the other Chris, Knockout Chris, is waiting.

Last time I went down in the final round. I want my happy ending!

Now that is a shout out. He is quick.

Chris is a welterweight boxer.

He could not be more at home than he is on the Sucker Punch.

Dodging, ducking, weaving.

After that, I'm expecting big things on the Balls. Here we go.

That is how you do it! No special effects were used there.

That is just simple ball-crossing genius.

I did it a bit like that!

Just the Lunar Landing to go for a perfect run.

Oh!

Yeah, just misses it.

Chris becomes another casualty of the day.

Oh!

But his time of 1:21 is the fastest Qualifier we've seen all series.

He's so happy he's crying, look.

I think that's why he's crying, in a high voice.

Chris's balls were amazing.

Ball crossings don't get much better than that.

In fact, it's usually much, much worse.

Let see how 20-year-old student Tiny Kelly plans

on crossing the balls today.

That would be the Kelly I remember all right.

Last time the attempt went wrong because I was covered in mud and just slipped off.

Just try and not get covered in mud and that might do the trick.

Yeah, it might do. It might help me.

I may be little, but I'm back to win it big!

She's covered in mud. Bad sign.

Kelly's tactic for getting over the Big Red Balls this time

is that she's going to backflip across them.

It's ambitious. Wow!

This is Farmer Benny.

He struggled his way to the final last time around and came in second.

But he's been in training, back at the farm. Oh, yes.

Hi, Amanda. I''ve tried take it a bit easy, lay up for as much as I could.

The old lying in the meadows ploy, it works a treat.

Yeah, yeah. In the daisies.

Oh, no! Laying up in the daisies wasn't the best training after all.

Next is Clown...sorry, Circus Performer Gary,

who narrowly missed out on victory last time.

How are you going to avoid being a clown today, Gary?

First thing was get rid of the baggy trousers.

Coming so close the first time, I know it's something I can do.

I'm gonna do it while beating 21 of the best.

Well, good luck to you. No clowning around today then?

I've gotta be serious.

Watch this Belfast boy burst through this!

OK, what will the strategy be?

Second ball!

Opted to miss out the first ball altogether

and then miss the third and the fourth balls as well.

Common mistake, that.

So, while there are hundreds of ways to get across these balls,

there are millions of ways to fall off them -

even if you're a Champion.

Exhausting, this. For me.

Sitting here on my stool.

What a competition this is turning out to be.

But for some of our returning finalists,

it's about more than just winning.

Next to go is one of the finest Champions

Total Wipeout has ever seen.

Impressive, masterful, strong.

If you like that sort of thing.

Rowing John.

And having lost to John last time round,

here's someone who's desperate to knock the rower off his pedestal.

That was easy.

It's Rob The Tiger.

Rob is annoyingly good looking, all the girls fancied him. So I hated him.

I've come back here to settle one score - to beat Jonathan.

The inner tiger is gonna come out again. He's going down!

The Robotron is back to settle some old scores!

Ooh, you want to get that seen to. OK. So, Rob The Tiger sets off.

Watch me do it one more time!

His nemesis Rowing John away, too.

The John versus Rob rivalry has been festering

for the last few weeks, like the mud under those Tightropes there.

Here we go.

Ooh, not bad from John.

I mean, not brilliant, but...

Rob is out to prove something today.

Ooh, taking his time.

And he has, he's proved how difficult it is to do the Tightrope

and get out of Argentinian mud.

There you go, mission complete.

Ooh, there is conclusive proof, Rob, very thorough.

Just testing once again how difficult it is.

I think that's Rowing John under all the mud. Yeah, it is.

Up to the Big Balls.

Oh, look, it is John! Yeah, I was right.

Slightly less enthusiastic approach from Rob The Tiger.

Come on, the Robotron!

What?

Making up his own nicknames? That's not allowed, is it?

Right, the Lunar Landing.

He's overcooked it and the Tiger's wet. Won't like that.

There you go. Rowing John storms home in an impressive 2 minutes.

I think Rob's a bit soft, isn't he?

Bless him. But we all love him anyway.

You know? Everyone loves a loser.

Says Mr Popular. Unfortunately, Rob The Tiger's time

isn't looking good enough to get him through to the next round.

There are, of course, worse animals you can compare yourself to than a tiger - like a cow.

He chose to do this.

Champion Cowman Aaron is back. What is it with all the animals today?

Last time, this mini-moo won.

Now watch this bull charge into action.

MOO-OO-OO!

Aaron to the Tightrope, then.

Oh, you see, some lateral thinking from the Cowman.

Mind he doesn't get his bell tangled!

He's moo-oo-ving along.

That's got to hurt the old udders there.

Yeah. He's also got an alternative ball strategy, then?

A bounce, a landing.

Ooh, this is looking good.

Looking not so good.

A quick time, though.

The Lunar Landing. Cowman Aaron swings...

and that's a great landing and a pretty good time.

Yeah! Yeah, baby!

Do the funky chicken!

He's got confused with the whole animal thing.

That's a terrible celebration. I'm getting tired of this animal theme.

Time to find someone normal, like 33-year-old Kate from Bristol.

So, what's the reaction been like from home?

Happy when it's all over, because I've turned into a psycho gym bunny.

Oh, please, no more!

Bye-bye.

Oh.

Professional face painter Painty Katie is back

to make sure that this time, she wins.

Losing to Queen Rachel Bale in 9 seconds hurt,

she wants to make her two daughters even prouder.

Ooh! That's a girl.

Go on, Katie.

-Nearly there.

-Ooh!

This is it!

Great job, your girls will be doubly proud now.

What a fantastic finish,

and a time of 1:55 should see her comfortably through to The Sweeper.

Painty Katie becomes the second contestant to cross the big balls today.

Great stuff. But can I see Chris's once more, just for me? Look at that!

I didn't think that could be done!

On to the leaderboard.

Knockout Chris's run sees him on top with an astounding 1:21.

Painty Katie takes fifth spot, followed by Rowing John.

Cowman Aaron and Gary the Clown are seventh and eighth.

Currently, Farmer Benny, Tiny Kelly and Karate Chris

fill the remaining Sweeper spots.

As a result, No Gary Barlow Andy and Rob The Tiger

have dropped off the bottom. Unlucky, chaps.

Shout out to my friends, my family, my mum, my dad, CJ...

Next up is someone who holds two Total Wipeout records, On-and-On Donovan.

..my gangstas, shout out to everybody, yeah? I love you all.

Just keep your eyes on me, OK?

He had the longest shout out in Total Wipeout history.

-How was that?

-It's incredibly long.

The other record he holds is worst swimming technique ever seen from a finalist,

which is why he came in third. I hope he's been practising.

OK, just because I can't swim, doesn't mean I can't win.

That's one of the problems sorted! That was short and sweet.

We join Donovan at the Tightrope Of Terror.

Already on the course longer

than Knockout Chris took to complete it.

Here we go. No.

Looking at the positives,

at least it's not his swimming that's the problem this time round.

But with limited time available before night falls,

I think we should probably move on.

Let's welcome back some of the most memorable finalists,

including Olympic Les, who took home the bronze and a headache a few weeks ago.

I only popped out for a paper!

And Crouching Tiger, Hidden Adam.

I flow like a gentle breeze, but I am strong like granite!

Who flowed like a gentle breeze all the way to gold.

Then there's Jumping Jack, who was the first Total Wipeout Champion of this series.

-Do you think you have what it takes to do it all over again?

-Yeah.

Come on, get the confidence going.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, man of few words.

Maybe he and Donovan should compare notes.

There he goes. Wow!

Crazy leg action from Jumping Jack.

Yeah, Les's tactic needs work.

Pretending he's a torpedo, that's going to be another headache.

Right, on the Tightrope. Our oldest contestant today

is gonna have to get a wriggle on if he's gonna beat the young 'uns.

Adam next on the Tightrope Of Terror.

Oh, and that's how you do it.

Obviously been putting in a lot of hard physical training for the final.

I've been doing a lot of praying and also meditation, yoga exercises.

Because I believe with this course, it's 70% mental and 30% physical.

Now our chakras are centred,

let's see how Jumping Jack and Olympic Les are doing on the Balls.

This is it. Come on, chaps, good luck.

A ridiculous attempt from Jack.

Les hasn't quite got to grips with these new-fangled balls.

Olympic Les. He's got stamina.

He's got determination.

He's got the rope too low down.

Olympic Les unfortunately fails to qualify. Bad luck.

That's not meditating, that's just showing off.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Adam here.

Great finish, but despite all the mental preparation, with that time,

Adam's chances of qualifying are looking a little unsteady.

Jumping Jack now. Whoa...

This close!

Jumping Jack going through to the next round though,

with that time, proving that it's better not to be 70% mental,

but 100% physical and 0% verbal.

Talking of verbal, Donovan making this look very painful.

Come on, Donovan. You can do it.

Come on, this is the Champion Of Champions!

-Oh.

-Now he's got further to swim.

With hindsight, I was being over-confident.

Maybe you can't do it, Donovan.

Can Donovan stay out of the water on the Lunar Landing? Yes?

Yes, he... Yes.

No.

4:01 is the slowest time of the day.

But at least it was longer than his shout out,

so he did us a favour.

Thank you, Donovan, and well done.

Here's someone who is hoping to do better than Donovan.

Remember Alex, the landscape gardener?

For a reason I can't recall, his nickname was Gassy Alex.

HE BURPS

Everyone on my show, I'll make... sorry.

For everyone on my show, I'll give it a go.

-I'll...

-This isn't going well.

For everyone who is on my show, I'll give it a go!

You'll laugh out loud, but I'll make you proud!

You see, he's a trier.

Hope his qualifying run is better than his poetry. But he's away.

Woo-hoo, he's having fun, our Alex.

Amanda's been at the Argentinian moonshine again, I think.

Alex gets winded.

OK, the Big Balls now, full of air.

A bit like Alex. Oh, he's gone.

He's out again.

The swim to the ladder now.

Get on with it, Alex, it's a competition.

-Amanda, I'm burping again.

-Too much information, Alex.

Swinger, baby!

We know you are. The Lunar Landing.

Oh, dear. Taking longer than 3 minutes

means Gassy Alex is not going to qualify either. Bad luck.

King of the castle!

I'm the king of the castle and you're a dirty rascal!

Where's the castle?

-Is it just me that's laughing?

-No, Alex, we're all laughing, just inside.

Only three contestants left and the next young lady has a point to prove.

-Do some damage!

-Scary Claire didn't do a lot of damage, coming in third

last time round, but she's back and this time she might do some damage.

Possibly to herself.

I fell at the final hurdle last time. But I never make the same mistake twice!

OK, as long as they're funny,

we don't mind what mistakes you make.

Oh! In the mud first time.

Luckily she never makes the same mistake twice.

That was just a fib, then, wasn't it? She fell in the mud again.

Exactly the same as the last mistake.

-Slightly more painful, though funnier.

-Ow, ow, ow!

Yeah, that about covers it.

It seems that by making the Qualifier more difficult

for our finalists, we've also made it a bit more painful.

I didn't design it.

It's Argentinians.

Now, meet Nuclear Safety Engineer James, again.

Total Wipeout's very own Homer Simpson.

The big brain on you.

Well, it's got to be used for something.

Use that big brain to do better than second place this time, James.

Use it, go on, use it now.

Too top-heavy, that's due to his massive brain, you see.

His centre of gravity, too high.

Can we stop watching this now?

The Sucker Punches have been issuing a fair amount of the old agony, too.

Right in the cheek!

Scary Claire damaged the Sucker Punch with her face.

But she laughs in the face of pain, to finish in just over 2 minutes.

Let's hope the Sweeper's kinder to her.

- Ow! - I'm in pain.

Are you all right?

Yes.

There has been a lot of distress on today's Qualifier,

but the prize for the most painful fall goes to Nuclear James.

-And remember, James...

-No pain, no gain.

Today's final contestant is the man who Amanda's been most excited to see back in Argentina.

He holds the record for the fastest ever Wipeout Zone.

And he also holds the key to Amanda's heart.

Strong, powerful, handsome, he's her future husband...

not that he knows it.

British Army officer and Amanda's favourite, James.

Right, Amanda, get down on the ground and give me press-ups now. Ten press-ups, go on!

I sense a change in nickname is needed.

-Meet Drill Sergeant James.

-Not good enough, that's not a press-up!

-Little does he know, she likes that.

That's it, that's one press-up. Nine more to go!

The Qualifier! My tank could crush you, as would I!

Listen, mate, not all girls go for that aggression thing.

You can crush me any time, James!

Amanda, obviously, yeah... Onto the Tightrope Of Terror.

It's OK, Amanda, he didn't damage his face.

Despite all of his success,

Drill Sergeant James is yet to conquer the Balls.

Let's see if the perfect man can execute a perfect landing.

He even looks suave when he falls. OK, so he fell off everything,

but managed to complete the course

in an amazing time of 1 minute 33 seconds.

-Again, no obstacles complete.

-Good work, soldier.

Round one of the Champion show, dismissed.

What a way to finish the final Qualifier of this series.

Time to meet their greatest line-up the Sweeper has ever faced.

Knockout Chris still holds on to the top spot,

but Drill Sergeant James knocks

Return Of The Headband Dan into third.

Queen Rachel and Unassuming Ricky are 4th and 5th

with Jumping Jack bounding into sixth.

Scary Claire takes 9th position,

and the Gods are looking favourably on Crouching Tiger, Hidden Adam,

who squeezes his way into the final 12.

So, the best of the best just became the best of the best of the best.

But now, the best of the best of the...

you get it...must be narrowed down from 12 to five by the Sweeper's evil twin, the Crusher.

Finally, something 6 ft 5 Drill Sergeant James might struggle with.

On podium one, its Drill Sergeant James.

Sweeper, you are undisciplined!

You will stand to attention! You will obey me!

Getting all shouty again! On two is Knockout Chris.

-James, you'll need your army to beat me!

-He doesn't look all that worried, Chris.

On podiums three and four is Return Of The Headband Dan and Cowman Aaron.

Save it for your passport photo.

On five is Unassuming Ricky.

I cannot believe these 11 other jokers have got through to the stage. I'm Ricky Hype and I'm...

If only you could do that in real life.

Podiums 6, 7 and 8 are the homes of Gary The Clown...

Action!

..Rowing John and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Adam.

-With balance and grace, I'm going to win this race.

-What's he doing?

Scary Claire's on nine.

I don't know why you call it last man standing, because us girls are going to show you how it's done.

I hear you, sister. On podiums ten and 11 are Painty Katie and...

Guess who's back? It's Jumping Jack!

Completing the line-up on podium 12, it's Rachel.

You boys better show some respect, I'm the Queen of the Sweeper.

You go, Queen Rachel.

So, the girls are challenging the boys,

the boys are challenging the other boys,

and the Crusher will shortly be challenging all of them.

Time to go back to Amanda to get this Champion Sweeper started.

-It's the Sweeper. Are you all ready?

-This is going to be carnage.

Oh, you're joking, I've got to turn round?

How far do I have to turn round to?

3, 2, 1!

OK, so here we go. The Crusher won't stop spinning

until it's knocked 11 of the finalists from their podiums.

So far, not so good!

-Champion jumping from the Champions.

-Remember, each time it goes round,

it gets faster and the bars get closer together.

It means it's a challenge for both teensy and tall competitors alike.

It's really picking up speed now.

Going higher!

They're showing their mettle.

Seriously impressive stuff.

That's what you'd expect from experienced finalists, I guess.

-Is that all you've got, baby?! Come on!

-Pride goes before a fall.

It's almost as if Amanda wants Ricky to fall off his podium.

Can't imagine why.

Still no fallers.

We could be here forever.

Whoa, no! Crouching Tiger, Hidden Adam has gone.

Tried so hard to get his balance back but just tipped himself in.

First off, not good.

Not good at all. I believe it was my destiny to leave in this round.

Yeah, blame your destiny. Or wind.

Back to it, will others join in the falling down craze

that Adam's started?

It's catching on. Katie's down.

She needs to get back up before the Crusher comes round again.

And she does. Great recovery from Painty Katie.

Still only Adam down.

Oh, Katie's down again.

And not getting back up this time.

I got over it once and fell down,

managed to get back up, but I just couldn't do it again.

It was just too high.

Shins and face, ow!

Five more need to fall before we have our Dizzy Dummy contenders.

This is pretty incredible stuff.

The bar has been raised by these Champions,

just as it's been raised by Eduardo.

Faster and higher than normal.

I can hear the faint sound of toes touching Sweeper.

Yes, it's getting higher now.

Oh, and that's Rachel gone.

-You mental sweep!

-It certainly was.

The Queen has gone.

It just got so higher and higher,

and it was so scary trying to jump over it.

So, not so much Queen of the Sweeper,

maybe just lady in waiting.

Nine left. We need to lose four more.

This is amazing stuff.

That's Aaron down, and no, it's a pile-up!

Four down in quick succession.

What actually happened there?

Let's have a look.

Cowman Aaron doesn't jump.

That puts off Unassuming Ricky - shame -

and Gary The Clown makes it over, but can't quite stay up.

And then Rowing John joins them all for a nice swim.

It hit me with such a force that it just made me fly off.

And I took some people out with me and I'm really, really sorry.

To Ricky, I'm so sorry, my friend.

I'm absolutely fuming I got knocked off. It wasn't even my fault.

He couldn't jump. He was a little fairy. That boy better stay well out of my path.

Moo-oo-oo!

Scary friends there. Cowman Aaron summing up the situation perfectly.

-Gary The Clown and Rowing John disappointed, too.

-I'm gutted.

I'll just be humble in losing

and enjoy the rest of the games, watching.

I can't believe I got so close to making Dizzy Dummies. Just one spot out.

That was brutal, but we have the final five, so it's back to the action.

Claire's safe, just. Jack's not.

Oh, here we go again.

I can't keep up.

Jack gets knocked down,

and then James.

Knockout Chris flips and takes out Return Of The Headband Dan.

And I think that might be the best pile-up

we've ever seen on Total Wipeout.

All of which means that our last man standing is a woman.

Congratulations to Scary Claire,

who is our Champion Sweeper Champion.

Of course, Sweeper gets the last laugh. It always does.

Not only are you the last woman standing but you're the last woman

standing amongst the Champions, so you are the Champion Sweepster.

Absolutely, yeah. Obviously, this one's my game.

Shame this isn't the final, eh?

I'm not 100% sure, but I think we've now whittled the wannabe winners down to five.

Or it could be two. To be honest, I couldn't really keep up with that round.

On to the Dizzy Dummies. If you thought the Sweeper was tough, you were right.

But this is also tough. And to make it tougher, we've brought back an old friend.

Remember these?

Way back in the mists of time, there was an obstacle so hard that people dared not speak its name.

Because it is a silly name.

The Teeter Totters. An obstacle, if not a name, fit for champions.

And if they manage them, it's 40 more seconds spinning, followed by the hellish Doughnuts.

On each run, we lose the contestant that comes in last, and thus five become three.

It's the Champions' Dizzy Dummies.

-Are you all ready?

-No.

That was a Champion no. Three, two, one!

So, who are the Dizzy Dummies staking a claim for the title of Series Champion?

First, it's the strongest, handsomest and shoutiest contestant

Total Wipeout, and Amanda, has ever seen.

-Get down on the ground and give me press-ups, now!

-It's Drill Sergeant James.

Next is the man who proves you shouldn't create nicknames based on removable items of clothing.

-I'm ridiculously confident at the moment.

-Return Of The Headband Dan.

-He's ginger, he's bouncy.

-Guess who's back? Jumping Jack!

He leapt through the Sweeper and into Dizzy Dummies. Can he bounce all the way?

Scary Claire was the last woman standing.

I never make the same mistake twice!

Let's hope you don't. For all womankind.

And the amazing Knockout Chris is hoping to make it to the final round...

Woo-hoo! Yeah!

..without going down for the count.

It's probably worse now they know what to expect. Here we go.

First off the mark is Knockout Chris.

Straight onto the Teeter Totters, hotly followed by Drill Sergeant James.

Again, Chris is the first to jump, but James is scarily close behind.

James just beats Chris across, but both are safe for this round.

That's amazing.

Look how James and Chris make our near impossible obstacle look, well, unimpossible.

Possible, that's the word.

They made it look easy though, as Claire, Jack and Dan are struggling to even get started.

OK, Dan makes a leap for it.

He's away.

The others need to catch up. Someone has got to be eliminated here.

Wow, a jump from Dan, but the others are right on his tail.

Oh, this is so close!

Is certainly is.

That is close!

Who's out? I don't know. This is going to need a replay.

All three of them made it across together, so what do we do here?

Jack landed last but Dan and Claire were struggling to get up.

This will all come down to the rules of the competition.

Anybody know what they are? Amanda? Any idea?

That was the closest finish to Dizzy Dummies we have ever seen on the show.

The rules of this game are that you have to be on your feet to complete.

OK? So I can tell you right now that the last person to be on their feet

was Claire.

I'm really sorry, darling.

-What's going through your head right now?

-I should have stood up.

I was just trying to get to the end of the platform. Never mind.

Claire, you've been a champion in our eyes all day.

APPLAUSE

This is Total Wipeout! It's not supposed to be genuinely emotional!

Claire was indeed the last to her feet.

We've never seen such a close finish.

That is tough.

Actually moved by this.

Thank goodness for that klaxon. I was genuinely welling up there.

It dispersed the moment.

So the four boys are back in the Dizzy Dummy.

Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody knows.

Or where their lunch is.

To be honest, if it stops, nobody knows. Oh, it has.

Right, good, and they're off.

Knockout Chris living up to his name.

Chris would have been rubbish on Playschool.

"Shall we go to the square window? No, we'll just head-butt the wall instead."

Chris may have a sore head, but he also has the lead.

Closely followed by...guess who?

It'll be James. Oh, back to the start for Chris.

Drill Sergeant James takes over the lead then.

Oh, but not for long. So will Return Of The Headband Dan be first across the finish line?

Again, no.

And now Jack's in, so it's back to the start for all our competitors.

Less of a race and more a series of false starts.

Oh, Chris, the fastest in the Qualifier.

Fastest in the Qualifier and a little bit rubbish on the Doughnuts.

This is more like it.

James makes it to the last Doughnut.

And he succeeds,

making him our first contestant in the Final of the Final.

So the battle for the two remaining places is on.

Dan falls in whilst doing a Jumping Jack. How ironic.

Chris now, makes it to the second Doughnut.

Onto the third. One more leap to go.

Can he make it now to the Wipeout Zone?

Oh, oh, almost.

This is painful to watch.

Up, up, up, up, up! Yes!

And he's across, by sheer determination.

Just one finalist short of the Wipeout Zone.

Will it be Return Of The Headband Dan or Jumping Jack?

At the moment, Dan's in front. What a battle.

Tension's unbearable.

We've got a real competition here.

He can take his time, but Jack's not far behind. Onto the last Doughnut.

Dan looks exhausted.

Come on, Dan, you can do it! But so could Jack.

Jump, Dan.

Jack, John. Somebody jump!

Finally, Dan's through.

Yeah!

For you, Claire, that's for you.

So Dan is our final finalist.

Jumping Jack is out.

Jack, talk to me. You're standing on that Doughnut behind Dan

and all you had to do was jump on it behind him, knock him off and you'd just prove that you could finish.

I just...I don't know.

I couldn't do it, because...

I don't know, he's a good guy and I just couldn't do it to him.

I'd prefer to have let him tried and fallen than me knocking him off.

-Oh, you're still a Champion in my eyes, Jack. Well done.

-I'm going to be sick.

So there it is, a carpenter, an industrial radiographer and a soldier.

No, that's not a Village People tribute act, that's the final three in the Wipeout Zone.

Dan, Chris and James. Actually, was there an industrial radiographer in the Village People?

No, it was a policeman.

There's no need to ask them how much a place in the Champions' Wipeout Zone means,

but the structure of the show dictates that they're going to tell us anyway.

Time to salute the final three.

To be back here again feels very surreal.

Excited about facing the Wipeout Zone.

All the lights, the fire, you feel like you're in a Hollywood movie.

I feel very privileged and quite honoured.

I fell to pieces on the last one, but this time I'm confident I'm going to really go for it.

Chris is quick, fast, nimble, light.

A copy of me, really.

That Chris character, he's an absolute ninja.

He could pull it out the bag.

Tonight, the one to beat - me.

I want this more than any of them could, five times over.

Dan, absolute hero.

He surprised us all, he's probably surprised himself.

I'm not expecting too much. I've got the British Army to get through to try and win that money.

James is a machine.

He's like the living Terminator.

I think we need to check whether he's got blood running through his veins and not petrol.

To be called the Terminator, I'm quite chuffed with that.

If I manage to repeat what I did last time, I think I've got it in the bag.

I think tonight will be the closest final that Total Wipeout has ever seen.

It was amazing and emotional last time.

This time's almost better, up against the best of the best.

I've proved a few people wrong. I'm going to make everyone proud tomorrow, 100%.

This would be my greatest achievement, if I was to become the Champion.

I really want the happy ending, like. I really do.

As an officer, we're supposed to be leaders of men.

And I'd love to continue my leadership by becoming the leader of the Total Wipeout Champions.

For Queen and country.

So the last eight weeks have all been leading to this.

Well, not this, this is just me sitting on a stool, talking to a cheap podium.

Actually, what is this thing for?

No, it's all been leading to this, the Wipeout Zone, the Final. Watch it.

Never before in the history of Total Wipeout have we had a final that has meant this much.

Hang tight, because this is the Champions' Wipeout Zone.

Dan is first to go.

Dan, then, is the first-ever contestant to take on the Wipeout Zone twice.

To everyone back home, Dan The Man is going to make you proud. Come on, bring it on!

And so it begins.

Last time Dan attempted this part of the course,

he was beaten by Cowman Aaron. With such strong competition

waiting in the wings, he knows

he's going to have to give it his all this time.

Up onto the greased beam. He approaches the Barrels.

Oh, he's slipped. His time will be the benchmark.

He needs to get a move on to stand a chance against

the other finalists and he's going the wrong way right now.

Oh, no, oh, he's back in the water.

This is not good for the Final of Finals.

A misplaced jump leaves Dan bombarded with barrels,

and with all that grease on the slope, he finds himself

in a near-impossible position.

He makes a quick recovery, before any more barrels can be released.

All right, finally!

Onto the Monkey Bars.

He can't afford any more slip-ups after that tricky start.

I suspect he'll need a clear round to stay in this.

Well, he's cleared the Monkey Bars. The Spinner.

Oh, he lands well on the Spinner.

But a quick exit is what's needed to earn a quick time.

-That is a great job.

-Yes, he's across.

OK, he's doing much better now. This could still be an excellent time.

Onto the Brusher.

No, that's not good. The Brusher, a match for even the best of them.

He knows the quality of the contestants he's up against.

He's just got the Launch Pads to go.

He's got to move quickly if he's going to set a winning time.

Plays it carefully.

Almost. Yeah, just one more jump.

And he's across.

Return Of The Headband Dan sets the time to beat,

2 minutes 32 seconds.

But when you're facing the best of the best,

you can't really afford any slip-ups.

Will that be good enough?

I feel proud to get as far as I have.

I've taken myself to places I didn't even know I could go.

You should be proud, because your time tonight was 2 minutes and 32 seconds.

You never know.

Miracles happen. Hopefully we'll get one tonight.

It might just have to be a miracle, because here comes Knockout Chris.

Last time he was here, he narrowly lost out to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Adam.

Wipeout, here I come!

He's already crossed the Balls in style.

Let's see if he can bring some of that swagger to the Wipeout Zone.

He's in and swimming.

At speed. Chris will be at an early advantage

if he can speedily cross the Barrels.

Clears the first. Second.

The third. Promising start for Chris.

Just the beginning, but that's looking neat, controlled and fast.

Monkey Bars, tough at the best of times.

With water pouring from above

and an intimidating drop below, they're worse.

But Chris doing an excellent job. Way ahead of Dan's time already.

Smooth jump onto the Spinner.

Chris is making this look easy.

Oh, and a perfect landing. It's like he's done this before, which he has.

Oh, and the Brusher is his undoing.

Chris tries to shuffle between the giant bristles of the Brusher.

Just gets caught.

Could these next two leaps be the leaps of a Champion?

Well, that certainly looked like them.

That was, well, an impressive finish for Chris in a staggering time.

Quite a challenge Chris has laid down. This final is heating up.

Remember, Chris doesn't know how Dan did. So let's go over to Amanda to break the news.

-Absolutely chuffed.

-You guys have been unbelievable tonight.

You have both been runners-up once before.

And I can tell you right now, Dan, I'm afraid you're not going to get a chance

to know what it's like to be Champion, because Chris, your time is faster.

Dan, go join the rest. Chris, you know what this means.

This means that yours is now the time to beat.

I know the lad's a monster, but hopefully I've done enough.

What an incredible performance from Chris.

Only one second off the course record, a record which was set

by a certain Drill Sergeant James, who just happens to be next.

You couldn't write this stuff!

I mean, you could, it might make a good book.

Who'd own the rights if I did? I'll call my agent later, because this is going to be brilliant.

So James has to match or beat his own Wipeout Zone record

of 1 minute 10 seconds to become the Champion Of Champions.

Wipeout Zone, one more time!

I am so excited at this point.

If anyone can do it, then this man can.

He has before, so here we go.

Remember, he's got no idea what he has to do

to be crowned the ultimate Champion.

The pressure's on, he's just going to give it his very best shot.

Fall, come on, come on!

Taking the Barrel Run quite carefully. Don't want to fall off,

but then he can't afford to be slow either. The Monkey Bars.

Give me a dodgeball, Amanda, I'll throw it!

Chris really wants this.

But so does James and he's taking this two bars at a time.

Onto the Spinner.

A slip, but somehow James hangs on.

And he makes it off as well. This is so close.

This could be the perfect run.

Oh, this is going to the wire!

He needs to recover quickly.

Every second counts now.

Can he match Chris's prowess on the Launch Pads? He's going to need to.

Oh, it looks like he can. He's done it! What a performance.

Mission accomplished for Drill Sergeant James.

So by the smallest of margins, 1 second,

British Army officer James becomes Champion Of Champions.

It's over to Amanda to reveal the results.

I suspect she'll be looking forward to doing this.

What neither of you know

is that Chris, your time was one second slower

than James's old record.

So James, to win tonight, you are either going to have to equal

or better your old time of 1 minute and 10 seconds.

And you've done it. It was 1 minute 10 seconds! You're the Champion Of Champions!

So there we have it.

The Series Champion is 25-year-old army officer James Scott from Dorset.

And what a Champion he's been.

CHEERING

Can you believe it? That's it. That is the end.

All that's left is for Amanda to dismantle the Sweeper, deflate the Big Balls and empty out the pools.

It's going to be a long night. For her.

So, from Amanda and me, and Eduardo, and Castro, and our Series Champion, Drill Sergeant James, it is goodbye.

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