Episode 8 Total Wipeout

The world is full of insurmountable obstacles. Everest.

The unchartered wilderness of Antarctica.

The A40 at Oxford.

But the daddy of them all is the Total Wipeout course,

Buenos Aires, Argentina.

20 ordinary British folk, including an army officer,

a pet shop manager and a police dog handler

will not only have to face,

but also cross the ultimate obstacle course.

One will be crowned champion.

19 won't be crowed anything.

Let the games begin!

As usual, 20 contestants are out to win a £10,000 prize,

and are also competing for the remaining three places

in Total Wipeout - The Final.

Let's see what the course has in store for the contestants today.

The Qualifier...

Warning - may contain big balls.

The Sweeper...

Warning - avoid damaging exposure.

The Dreadmill...

Warning - hard hat must be worn at all times.

And finally, The Wipeout Zone...

Warning - chances of winning can go down as well as up.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are one of those contestants.

Now, think about who you'd really

like standing by the side of the course, offering you encouragement

and sympathy. Keep going down the list.

Keep going...

Keep going, keep going...

There she is! Amanda Byram -

let's join her on the course with today's first contestant.

We're joined now at the top of the course by a real-life Viking

from the Shetland Islands.

Hello, what's your name?

I'm Magnus, I'm from Lerwick in Shetland.

You must be totally hard and fearless, Magnus!

You could say that, yeah. I... Being from Shetland,

it's part of your blood to be tough. You know how to be tough,

you can do anything.

Oh, yeah! Well, if his ancestors really did conquer vast swathes of the globe,

this course should be a doddle! Good luck.

I'm the king!

The Viking! Woo!

The Viking invasion begins, with a ridiculous run,

and a slither down the slope, and oh!

A blow to the chest.

The 36-year-old systems administrator

is back on his way though, oh, yeah.

Not only are Vikings making a comeback today -

so are the topple towers - there they are!

And he's...no! He's not cleared them at all.

-Oh, disgusting!

-Not very Viking, is it? It's only a bit of mud.

Please! Magnus has started, so he'll finish...

Ha! Oh, OK.

Even if he is a bit muddy.

On to the Sucker Punch now.

Yeah. This would be easier, of course, if Magnus the Viking

had got his axe through customs, but...no.

-He's hard. He's fearless. He's the Viking.

-Yes!

He's doing well, actually.

I fear for the wall if it punches him.

Here we go...

Past the mid-way point... and in the mud!

Right, the big red balls.

Will this be the ultimate Viking conquest?

Come on, balls. Come on, balls.

Here he goes...

Yes... Ohh! No.

Yeah. It's just, his heart's not in it.

-Not like it would be in, say, torching a Saxon village.

-So hard!

Don't moan! That's not what Vikings do.

Right. Just a swing into the Bubble Bath

and if he makes it the clock will stop.

Here he goes, here he goes.

Ye... Oh!

Never mind.

Yeah, probably for the best really.

Bubble baths don't really go with the whole Viking image, do they?

So, despite missing his landing,

Magnus, the Viking, has managed to sack and pillage his way

around the course in two minutes 34.

Not bad.

That is so hard.

I did a good job. I kept the Viking spirit up. Argh!

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Eliza.

So, Eliza, what have you been doing to prepare

for the wrath of the Qualifier.

Well, tactically, I think that for the Sucker Punch,

I'm just going to hold on for dear life, man up and take it.

What would you do if you won the money, Eliza?

Eat macaroni cheese and trifle.

What? And has anybody ever said "tactically" on here before?

Is that allowed? Do we allow tactics?

Oh! 27-year-old Eliza does work for an ad agency.

I'll check none of her clients actually make macaroni or cheese,

but that's what she's thinking of right now.

On to the Topple Towers. Here we go. Yes. Yes. Ooh!

That's impressive.

Hang on, this is an amazing run!

She's just focusing on the dream.

Visualising ten grand's worth of macaroni cheese and custard.

Right, the Sucker Punch.

Can Eliza continue this impressive start. It has been good, here we go.

She's on.

OK, good start. She actually punched it back, that's nice. Oh!

Oh! Whoa-oh! She's in!

Oh, that was a proper, proper hit.

Yeah, you've got to be thick-skinned to be in advertising,

but not that thick.

OK, the Big Balls.

Maybe she can do some blue sky thinking, advertising style.

Run it up the flag pole. Ooh! Oh, she's still on...

the second ball. Half-way.

Hang on...

we've only just started and she's...

she's on to the fourth ball! This is stag...

She might just do this! She might just make it!

Steady, Eliza. Steady, steady, steady.

She has! Astonishing!

And she's across.

-All she has to do now is...

-Ready, steady, go!

..swing and land in the Bubble Bath to complete an incredible run.

Yeah, ignore that. It was still INCREDIBLE!

Advertiser Eliza completes the Qualifier in two minutes 38.

But, more importantly, she crossed the balls.

I reckon we can sprinkle some

hundreds and thousands on that trifle.

Well done, Eliza. She joins the elite club of Big Ball crossers.

A club that has just six members, no bar and a very strict door policy.

Time to induct advertiser Eliza into the Big Balls Wall of Fame.

Still plenty more competitors to come. By the end of the Qualifier,

who else, if anyone, will have made it on to the Big Balls Wall of Fame?

I bet you're excited. Maybe the next competitor can do it.

Here's Jon. A mature student from Aberdeenshire.

I'm gonna cut this Total Wipeout course down to size!

What was that? Oh, I see!

Zorro. Gotcha.

OK, Jonny Zorro is off.

Oh!

HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS

What's that noise he's making?

Yee-hah!

What is that noise he's making?

Jonny Zorro taking on the scourge of the Topple Towers,

and it looks like the Topple Towers have defeated Jonny Zorro today.

I'm sure he'll be back to carve a Z in them,

after the security guards knock off tonight.

Come on, Jonny.

Right. To the Big Balls. Nobody can resist taunting them.

Senor, what will your blood-curdling war cry be?

-Cowabunga!

-What? Cowabunga?

No, that's... Oh!

Yeah, schoolboy error.

He's only gone and mixed up his Hispanic swordsman with

his Ninja Turtles and, you know, paid the price.

OK, Jonny Zorro must swing to safety.

Landing it beautifully

and finishing with a time of two minutes and nine seconds.

Whoo!

Who's next? It's 43-year-old Ruth from Leicester.

She's mum to Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam,

the Total Wipeout Champion. Remember him?

How quickly we forget.

Like any normal mum, Ruth enjoys reading novels, going out for dinner

and pumping iron.

OK, let's see if the gym work helps Rippling Ruth on the Big Balls.

She can maybe lift them.

No. Here we go... Oh!

Well, she's been for the burn, time to cool off.

Yeah, the knot isn't supposed to be an obstacle, Ruth.

That's just... Yeah.

Pumping iron clearly doesn't help with fiddly jobs...

..or with swinging into Bubble Baths.

She's got the physique, but not the technique.

Rippling Ruth finishes in three minutes 51.

Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam would be proud.

Ruth, like so many other competitors today, struggled with

one of the often underestimated obstacles.

It's rubber...

it's full of air...

and it's not as easy as it looks.

Yes, it's the least relaxing bubble bath on earth.

And something of a bubble bath aficionado, well, and armchair one,

I've devised an easy to follow rating system - the Hammond Scale.

Where a rating of one is sadly inadequate,

and ten is perfection.

So, first it's Charlotte from Worthing.

She's a fitness instructor. How will she rate on the Hammond Scale?

Oh, oh! Yeah, good swing, early dismount, messy entry.

That's a four out of ten,

but Charlotte's Qualifier time is a respectable two minutes 44.

Next, Carole from Manchester.

How do you rate your chances here today?

My chances are very high, nine out of ten I would say.

Carole, the Hammond Scale can only be scaled by a Hammond and that's me,

so get on with it. Swing. I'll do the scaling. Here we go.

Ooh! She's made it. Excellent!

Confident swing and an impressive 180 degree turn

to entry, if you watch. Ten out of ten on the Hammond Scale, I'd say.

But Cocky Carole is docked a point for insolence.

Her time is two minutes and 34.

From Fishguard, Pembrokeshire, meet 23-year-old Jodie,

and equine shop manager, I think that means like a horse shop,

she's a lover of all things horsey.

Is there anything positive that you can tell me about your job

and about horse-riding that you CAN use here on the Qualifier?

Well, luckily, I quite enjoy my jumping, so I've got access to jumps,

so forget about the horse, just jump in myself.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Best of luck out there today.

Nice.

OK. Now, I've got a theory -

giggling Jodie clearly likes a laugh, cockney rhyming slang for

laugh is bubble bath, so is it coincidence, or a sign?

Yeah, it's coincidence, clearly. Yeah.

That's a classic six out of ten on the Hammond Scale.

Giggling Jodie won't be giggling about her time though -

four minutes 14.

Time for the first look at the leaderboard,

and Jonny Zorro has carved up his opponents to find himself in

top spot, ahead of Cocky Carole and Magnus the Viking.

Ball crossing advertiser Eliza is ahead of four out of ten Charlotte

and rippling Ruth.

And giggling Jodie may need some cheering up down in seventh place.

Seven competitors down, 13 to go.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by the lovely Emma,

who says that she likes the simple things in life,

-like eating cake. Emma...

-I've got some backstage

and I'm gonna scoff some down, give me a quick sugar rush,

-help me surge through.

-OK.

Flexible stuff from the muffin lover.

BUZZER

And Emma is off. Not stylish, but effective.

That sugar rush has quickly become a sugar splash. Where's she gone?

There we are!

A bit of a delay under the pontoons, but she's in good spirits, look.

So I am. I've just had an eclair by way of support for Emma.

I'm on her side.

OK. This is great! She's in a good mood!

Too much sugar, though, this.

Topple Towers now, or the Battenburg Blocks as Emma calls them, possibly.

Oh! Count them when she gets out.

Oh, mud bath.

She's very polite about falling off the Topple Towers.

On to the Sucker Punch now.

Emma there, chocolate-coated. No, don't tell her that!

She'll chew her leg off.

Right, on to the wall.

Oh! Off the wall!

In the mud. That stuff is extra gloopy today.

Yummy, yummy chocolate.

No! Don't listen to Amanda, ever! That stuff was toxic long before

it spent a week baking in the Argentinean sun.

No, seriously, Emma. You want to get out of there, quick.

No, you do. You can't have it. Come on.

Come on! What's she looking for?

As she approaches the Big Balls, 22-year-old Emma

looks cream-crackered. She's not a fan of them.

I wonder what's going through her mind right now?

That's got to help. Yeah.

Come on then, Emma. Here we go.

Oh, yes, it's...

it was brief, that was in its favour, I guess.

From Emma's point of view, it was over quickly.

Emma went on to finish the Qualifier in five minutes 35 seconds.

This is Julian. He's a facilities manager from London.

And his passion is Muay Tai boxing.

This is Lisa. She's a marketing executive from County Tyrone.

Her passion is tae kwon do.

And this is Chris. He's a police dog handler from Swindon.

His passion is Zen and the art of waving to his friends.

Together they are...three contestants who might do well.

The great journey of life has led them to this place.

Today on Total Wipeout, their destinies collide.

And Chris is here as well in those shorts and those shoes.

He'll contribute something.

Three mighty warriors, of varying mightiness, set off on their quest.

Chris almost flies across the Topple Towers,

but then crash lands right on his knee.

Yeah, that will have hurt.

Tae kwon do's Lisa is coming up fast.

One set of towers completed. here we go.

Oh, then it's a bit of trouble on the second set.

Muay Thai Jules leaps like a gazelle.

He's spent years discovering his inner self

in the remote monasteries of China.

Oh, now he's found his outer self in a big puddle of mud in Argentina.

Reach deep inside, Julian.

Not too deep, I think there's a shopping trolley down there.

Can dog handler Chris take the Big Balls? No he can't, not really.

Tae kwon do Lisa will do better. It is written that she shall.

Yeah, it's written wrong, definitely.

Muay Thai Jules seems very skilled in the art of stealth.

Come on, Julian.

Slowly does it.

And the art of falling off foam blocks. That takes years to perfect.

Oh, yeah.

Those are Muay Thai moves he's actually doing there.

Dog handler Chris looking forward to his bubble bath...

and lands it! One minute 47. That is fast.

A bedraggled tae kwon do Lisa now.

In with a perfect finish, in two minutes 56.

Muay Thai Jules, meanwhile, perhaps regretting

skipping ball crossing classes back in that Tibetan monastery.

Only instinct can save him now.

If only he had one of those wires they fight on in the films.

Oh, on to ball one with the lightness of a butterfly.

Hello, actually, this is looking good.

Julian taking his time...and mine,

and yours, come to think of it. It's not fast,

but he's on to the second ball.

He's still on the second ball.

Come on!

I don't know what that was.

Whoa!

Come on!

Yeah, on the Big Balls no-one can hear you scream.

Come on, come on, come on.

Jules if you can make the fourth ball... He's, he's...

He's done it! He's nearly there!

This will be the second competitor today.

What have they all been eating?!

Yes!

-Come on!

-Yes, he's done it!

Just the rope swing to finish now into the Bubble Bath.

This is...that's two competitors in one day. How does that happen?

Yeah...let go now, Jules.

Jules, you're covered in glory as well as mud!

Savour the moment, you're ruining... This is...

Yeah. That was embarrassing!

Despite his monumental achievement on the balls,

Muay Thai Jules has finished the Qualifier in the slowest time yet -

five minutes 55.

Wow! Within minutes, two contestants have crossed the Big Balls.

This is unprecedented!

Although, I do remember the same thing happening last series,

so, actually, it's like completely precedented.

But what it does mean is that Muay Thai Jules has won the right to

have his picture hung on the Big Balls Wall of Fame.

There is the picture. Well done.

A reminder that I shall be unveiling the entire Big Balls Wall of Fame

in all its glory at the end of the Qualifier.

I'm joined at the top of the course, by British Army Officer James.

British Army Officer James, tell me what is it that you do?

I'm an Army Officer,

and I'm in a cabby regiment called the King's Royal Hazzars.

The KRH, which is quite cool fun.

The main perk being that we get to command 12 men and...

MUSIC: "Close To You" by The Carpenters

Yeah, OK. This is getting uncomfortable for us all now.

I'm not sure I want to be here.

Yeah, all right. We've got it now.

He was quite cool until he did all of that stuff.

Yeah, he's just showing off now anyway.

James, girls aren't impressed by that kind of thing.

They see straight through it. Don't they?

Oh, James is gonna be good. I just know it.

Oh, come on!

BUZZER

Right, he's off.

James a 25-year-old army officer is away,

and if anyone can conquer the Total Wipeout Qualifier,

surely it'll be the British Army.

Whoa! This is... This IS looking good.

On to the second set now... and that is impressive.

On to the Sucker Punch, I thought it might have hit him.

Looking solid. Oh, he's in!

He even makes running through the mud look good.

This is ridiculous. Right, can James do the third cross the Big Balls?

Oh! Well, he gave it a pretty good shot!

A swim now to the ladder.

These photos were taken from Amanda's camera phone.

I had to take it off her.

So, his giant leaps almost carried him home all the way,

but then he came a cropper on the third ball.

So nearly made it!

Just the final obstacle to go.

Amanda's lost the power of speech entirely.

Yes! I mean, oh, oh, no.

Amanda's favourite just misses the Bubble Bath.

I'm sure a certain special someone will happily run one for him later.

Yes, all right.

James from the King's Royal Hazzars has galloped home

in a frighteningly quick one minute 22.

Ooh, the King will be pleased.

James, I might just be in love with you!

I've always loved you.

This is really awkward for everybody now, I-I-I...

Right, Amanda's favourite has not only captured Amanda's heart,

but also first place on today's leaderboard.

His time of one minute 22 is the quickest of the series so far.

Magnus the Viking and Cocky Carole are neck and neck in joint fourth.

While Rippling Ruth has managed to muscle her way in to ninth place.

And, finally, Emma has beaten Muay Thai Jules

who despite crossing the balls, is languishing in last place.

Next to face the Qualifier is Joe.

An 18-year-old A-Level student from Yorkshire

who claims to above average.

What makes you not so average, Joe?

Well, I do plenty of things. I wash pots at a retired vicar's home.

Very musical, play the piano.

I do lots of web design.

I ski, I snowboard.

I've got a summer job down at the beach, renting out deck chairs.

I do lots of juggling things.

All right, above average in many varied ways, then.

But how is he with foam-based obstacles and mud?

Above Average Joe sets off.

Onto the pontoons, making his way to the Topple Towers now.

This is far too quick for me to even attempt making a joke.

He's just getting on with it!

What...

That's the best I've ever seen the Topple Towers done!

Stunning work from Above Average Joe.

Maybe he really is?

Making good progress across the Sucker Punch, as well.

-Don't tell me he's gonna clear this.

-He is good.

Onto the Big Balls.

He hasn't got any mud on his tiny frame!

One ball, two, three...

Oh-ho!

That so could have been genius!

Yeah, but it wasn't, and neither's the swimming.

Above Average Joe posted a nowhere near average time of one minute 48,

nipping at the heels of Amanda.

This is Lucy from Kidderminster.

She's a clinical physiologist who reads brain activity for a living.

So, using the very latest technology, let's see

how people's brains react to the Total Wipeout course.

When Lucy experiences pain, you'll hear this sound.

BEEPING

-For despair, this noise.

-TOOTING

-When Lucy feels fear, it's...

-HORN BLASTS

-And for joy - brilliant! It works.

-HIGH-PITCHED RASPING

Let's begin the experiment.

HIGH-PITCHED RASPING

Joy for Lucy as she floats across the first set of Topple Towers.

-TOOTING

-Quickly turning to despair.

Oh, dear.

No brain activity at all now, just squelching.

-HORN BLASTS

-Oh, the foghorn of fear as she realises what's next.

-HORN BLASTS

-More fear - proof that Lucy is of sound mind.

Bit of pain registering there at the same time as fear.

It's a new sensation - fain.

Oh! Into the mud. Right the Big Balls now.

How will Lucy's brain respond?

TOOTING, BEEPING AND HORN BLASTING

Oh, no - it's gone into overload.

It was too much.

Yeah, the brain goes on to complete the qualifier in three minutes 15.

But sadly, the brainometer has been decommissioned.

I'm joined now at the top of the course by Donovan.

So, Donovan - can I call you Don or Donny or something?

-Well, my friends actually call me Smooth.

-Ooh, Mr Smooth?

Yeah, Smooth. That's what I'm...

Smooth voice, smooth personality, smooth guy all round.

All right this is goin' out to Barack Obama,

it's going out to my gangstas in the hood, to everyone at Gospel Oak Primary School,

-to my friends, my family...

-None of my friends every called me Smooth.

My nickname was...no, not now.

This is Victoria, an A Level student from Devon

who's been trying to perfect a steely glare to take on the Total Wipeout course.

Should I do serious? Like?

No, I think you're confusing serious with constipated there.

Great things come in small packages. I'm gonna blow this course apart!

I don't think she's shouting, she's trying to connect to the internet.

HORN BLASTS

-Right, serious Victoria is off.

-SHE SQUEALS

Rather squeaky. This is gonna be a noisy one.

-SHE SCREAMS

-She's a...screamer

She might be doing a plane impression, but she's rocketing

towards the Topple Towers. Good pace so far.

Small steps. Whoa! Making light work of those.

Wow!

That was like walking on water.

Victoria thrashed the Topple Towers.

Can she do the same to the Big Balls?

She's a surprise this one. She's made it on to ball one.

-TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS

-This music is a good sign.

Onto ball three. This could be a historic moment.

This is...ball 4! Leap, Victoria!

Go on! She's done it!

Three ball hoppers in one show,

and I...I wouldn't have foreseen any of them.

Trouble with the Velcro, but it's looking good.

Oh, it's looking bad.

Oh, me oh my.

After a less than impressive finish,

Victoria still has an impressive time of two minutes 6 seconds.

So, what a day it has been so far.

Three competitors have crossed the seemingly impassable big red balls

in the same show.

First Liza, then Jules and now serious Victoria.

There is only one accolade to bestow on Victoria.

Let's hope no-one else does it or we're gonna need a new wall.

Victoria's picture will be going on the Big Balls wall of fame.

Don't forget the grand unveiling is coming up later. It's exciting.

OK, five contestants to go on the qualifier.

So, it's now time to... Hang on.

I haven't seen how Donovan got on. Can I go back to Donovan?

What is that signal supposed to mean? Is that a yes?

As you may remember, we left him thanking everybody from his mum

to the baggage handlers at Luton Airport. Let's see how he's doing.

..to everybody, everyone in the hood, my gangstas,

goin' out to everybody, yeah. I love you all. Just keep your eyes on me, OK?

Oh, yeah. This is Dave from Liverpool. He's 27.

This is Briony from Cardiff. She's 22.

And this is Kevin from Essex, he's 46. What do they have in common?

Any idea?

Nothing?

Oh, I've just remembered. You can hear me but I can't hear you.

They are all professional sports men and women.

Dave belonged to the British bobsleigh team

and is used to falling down hills at nearly 100 mph so this should be good.

Watch out cos I'm the fastest thing on two feet! Go!

Fastest thing on two feet? You're actually on your...not your feet.

I'm Kev, I'm fat, I'm old.

-Participation's the only part. Come on!

-That's my favourite shout out ever.

"I'm fat, I'm old!" How does ex-Millwall footballer Kevin

stack up against a bobsleigh champion?

Anyone still taking bets on the bobsleigh bloke?

Briony belongs to the British pole vaulting team,

so let's join her at the Sucker Punch.

Oh, you punched a pole vaulter.

# Hey, sucker... #

Yeah, I think there's a pun in that song. Don't know who chose that.

As you can tell from all the mud,

Downhill Dave did brilliantly on the Sucker Punch.

This man falls for a living, so don't hold your breath.

Although you probably should.

I hope he has, in fact.

Hardly the quickest thing on two feet, but Downhill Dave

does go on to finish the course in two minutes and 23 seconds.

The human pole vault goes for a big finish.

Here we go.

And she makes it but not the right way up.

Did she go in head first?

Despite being smacked in the face, falling foul of the Big Balls

and a dramatic entry into the bubble bath,

she still manages a very respectable one minute 41.

Now back to ex-professional footballer Kevin.

Come on, you Lions! That's what the fans call Millwall FC.

Somebody told me.

Come on, then.

-Get on with it.

-Big Balls, you're mine!

I wouldn't boast about it.

Oh, that didn't last long, did it?

A good attempt. Unfortunately, a breathless Kevin

was unable to complete the course.

-..everyone in the hood...

-Oh, good - it's Donovan again.

Just keep your eyes on me, OK? Nuff love and respect.

-How's that?

-Uh, could you run it by me again?

He hasn't half built himself up. This had better be good.

We'll join him on the Sucker Punch.

Donovan's plan to defeat the Sucker Punch is to avoid being punched.

Tactics.

Oh, dear. No. Might need a bit of work on that.

He obviously didn't make any plans for getting out of the mud.

Shame.

Right, On and On Donovan does have a plan for the Big Balls -

bypass the first one and jump straight onto the second.

That's what he said. I can't wait to see it.

Come on, Donovan.

Yes!

Oh, come on. Go with the plan.

Why make a plan when you're not going to carry it out?

Now to the ladder before a swing and a bubble bath.

Yeah.

-Still feeling smooth?

-# Mull of Kintyre... #

He chose this music. It's his favourite.

He'll deny it, but it is.

Despite swallowing half the water around the Big Balls,

Donovan completes the course in a pretty good two minutes, 4 seconds.

Meet Carlos - today's final competitor.

He's keen, he's fit and he's from Bristol.

-Carlos, how are you doing?

-I'm all right, my love. How are you?

BRISTOL ACCENT: I'm all right too!

How are you going to tackle the qualifier today?

With speed and force. I'm the shortest lad here

and I think I've got to use that to my advantage.

The fastest thing to leave Bristol used to be Concorde. Now you've met me. Come on!

Just a surprise every time he opens his mouth.

I don't expect that.

Speedy start then, from Concorde Carlos.

Oh, flies across the Topple Towers.

He'll need to keep this up if he wants to make it into the top 12.

Carlos likes to travel. Which route will he take across the Big Balls?

I wonder.

A scenic and wet one.

That was quite a leap.

Concorde Carlos may not be as fast as the plane,

but he flies pretty much as high.

Messed up the landing a bit, there. Not gone well.

Just the bubble bath to go and it'll all be over.

Oh, neat! A textbook landing there to complete the qualifier

in a sound-barrier breaking one minute, 36.

Here comes the final leader board.

Amanda's favourite has fought valiantly to win both the qualifier

and Amanda's heart with the fastest time of the series.

Dog handler Chris beats Above-Average Joe by one second,

with On-and-On Donovan squeezing into sixth place.

The first of today's ball beaters to go through is Serious Victoria,

followed by Jonny Zorro and Downhill Dave.

And finally, Magnus the Viking has pillaged his way into tenth place,

along with the last of the ballsome threesome, Advertiser Eliza.

In a moment, I will unveil the Big Balls Wall of Fame.

But before that, here's a fitting tribute in honour of those eight competitors who fell.

Here's to what I lovingly call the big, fat losers.

So, after two series and 320 competitors,

only nine have managed to cross the Big Red Balls.

It's time to honour them now.

It gives me great pleasure to officially open the Big Balls Wall of Fame.

RECORDED APPLAUSE

FIRE ALARM, SCREAMING

"The best money could buy," they said.

"Lighting made of neon," they said.

Let's just move on to the Sweeper.

All 12 competitors must avoid being thrashed by a ruddy great red stick

and stay on their podiums.

The last six to stay high and dry go through.

What could be a more fitting finale to the series than returning to where it all began?

The classic Sweeper.

For those who haven't seen the show before...why not?!

I've got three words for you - BBC, i and player.

Time for a reminder of which 12 are still competing for the £10,000 prize.

On podium one is advertiser Eliza.

Guys, I know I like to be swept off my feet, but now it's your turn.

On podiums two, three and four

are Cocky Carol, Downhill Dave

and On-and-On Donovan.

This is goin' out to Barack Obama, my friends, my family,

to my gangstas in the hood, my gangstas in the ghetto.

Can I do it? Yes, I can.

That's probably a Bob The Builder reference.

On podium five is Amanda's favourite - James.

Guys, I'm above all of you - literally. You've got no chance.

On podium six and seven are the human pole vault Briony

-and Concorde Carlos.

-I may have been second in the qualifier,

but this podium's holding the last one standing.

On eight and nine are Serious Victoria,

-and Jonny Zorro.

-James, you're gonna experience a water tank very soon!

On ten and eleven are Magnus the Viking and Above Average Joe.

Donovan, you better don your life jacket cos you're going DOWN!

And on podium 12 is dog handler Chris.

This dog handler's gonna take the Sweeper by the lead. Bow-wow!

It's time for a sweeping adventure.

Yup, it's the Sweeper. Are you all ready?

ALL: YES!

Hearing a few nos, but let's do it anyway.

3...2...1.

HORN BLASTS

It's the return of...hang on.

Eliza's down already,

followed by Cocky Carol and Downhill Dave.

An amazing start.

We've lost three already.

Eliza's dreams of macaroni cheese and trifle have just vanished.

It came towards me and it totally wiped me out.

Eliza's wipeout distracts the two contestants behind her

so Cocky Carol goes in and Downhill Dave keeps things neat

by using the same point of entry into the water.

It's different from bobsleighing.

I'm not in my comfort zone here. In a bobsleigh, I'm happy.

Watch carefully - Johnny Zorro also falls in on the first sweep.

It's very wobbly and the soft bit at the top of the podium...

it's really hard to get your balance back once it's gone.

So, four gone. The next two to fall are out of the game.

Only six contestants can go through to the Dreadmill.

Donovan counting to see how many are left.

Or maybe how many people he'll thank if he wins.

Great performance from the remaining contenders.

Still in the game - Donovan, James, Briony,

Carlos, Victoria, Magnus, Joe and Chris.

But not only is the Sweeper getting faster with every revolution,

it's also getting higher.

Which might not be a problem for 6'5" James,

but could be an issue for Serious Victoria, who's 5'2".

She might be able to duck under the Sweeper soon.

They might be here for some time.

Lucky I've brought my Sudoku book.

It's getting faster!

Look at the speed of it - the next one to get hit

will be on the way back to England through sheer momentum.

Oh! Victoria falls and Magnus the Viking.

When I say Victoria falls, I don't mean, you know...

Falls.

I want to cry.

Magnus the Viking also fell

and got his face pinged by the podium, so he's out too.

To be the 7th one to not get into the top 6...gutted.

So here are the final six now playing for...

Whoa! Donovan, James, Briony...

and Carlos as well in one sweep.

That's staggering. Donovan is carried by the Sweeper into James.

Briony looks like she doesn't care cos she knows she's through.

Concorde Carlos is confused - he kinda forgets to jump.

That's Sweeper gold.

I've never seen anything like that.

Then there were two - dog-handler Christ and Above Average Joe

fighting for the honour of being the last man standing.

Both of them are through - this is just about pride.

Who goes next? That's Chris.

Congratulations to Joe

who holds onto his above average title as well as the last man standing.

Woo!

So the six remaining contestants

must now face the most feared thing in the whole of the United Kingdom

of Great Britain and Northern Ireland - no, it's not spiders.

Or monsters.

Or the recession. Or climate change.

Uh, you could make a claim for climate change but it's not...

I've opened a can of worms here. I should have just said it's the Dreadmill.

A reminder of how today's Dreadmill works.

It's the door jam - where six contestants will be paired off

into three head-to-head heats. The first through all the doors

and past the finish line will win the heat and qualify for the Wipeout Zone.

The losers of each heat will more than likely experience a free swim

in the pool of despair.

So let's have a reminder of the lucky six Dreadmillers.

I wash pots at a retired vicars' home.

First of all, he's not your average Joe -

Above Average Joe.

HE HOWLS

Sit, heel, fall in the water.

Good boy. It's dog-handler Chris.

Pole-vaulting's her life. It's the human pole vault Briony.

All right, my love?

Supersonic Bristolian - it's Concorde Carlos.

Come on!

He hasn't stopped talking since... I don't think he's ever stopped.

-It's On-and-On Donovan.

-Can I do it? Yes, I can.

-Attention!

-I fancy him to do well

and Amanda just fancies him. It's her favourite, James.

So who will face who in the heats?

This week they tried a different approach to select the Dreadmill fixtures.

Using a supercomputer found in a skip.

I think it was a microwave.

So they picked names out of a hat.

The first battle is between Concorde Carlos and Above Average Joe.

Pretty pleased that I've got him.

More so than anyone. However, he has been a dark horse.

Not So Average Jo can pull out another top performance

and he can...he can do it against Carlos and come out on top.

3...2...1.

When he said do it against Carlos there...

It may be a gentle stroll at the start,

but once the klaxon goes, all hell will break loose

as they propel through the doors.

They are off. No, try not to fall!

That's Joe - an early bath.

Carlos is out too, but he's already won.

And he knows it.

-What happened?

-Just lost my footing at the door.

-Came off.

-It was as easy as that?

Yeah.

One battle down, two to go.

Dog Handler Chris versus On-and-On Donovan.

I want it more than Donovan. I want it like Rocky in Eye Of The Tiger

going into the last fight and Mickey tells him to get up and go again.

-That's me. I need to do it now.

-I've got Chris,

and in the words of Barack Obama, can I do it? Yes, I can.

-Donovan definitely needs some new patter.

-3...2...1.

Well, only one can go through.

Donovan's got the stamina -

when it comes to talking - but will his physical fitness see him through?

-They're waiting for the klaxon.

-KLAXON BLARES

Both of them are away quickly.

Through the first door.

They're pushing through door 2.

This is very close.

Just one door remaining. Oh, no!

Chris is over, dragged down. He's out.

That was so close until Chris's fall. What a competition.

That's the closest Dreadmill I think I've ever seen.

You were this close. What happened?

I think I stumbled at the start and pulled the door the wrong way.

The two of us were so competitive - somebody had to win.

This man did - fair play.

Human pole-vault Briony versus Amanda's favourite.

I hope I make James look like a lumbering old man. I hope he falls.

I hope he falls on his face.

If I do lose to a girl, friends and soldiers alike

will destroy me with banter and abuse.

3...2...1!

Amanda's going to be jealous of all the one-on-one time.

Although James is chivalrous, he won't want to let a lady through the door first here.

-Briony was third in the qualifier.

-KLAXON BLARES

The race is on. Both through the first door.

Briony is down and straight into the pool of despair.

That was over so quickly.

James is carrying on regardless.

He's just showing off.

She's already impressed, mate.

I would say it was close, but he really got ahead of you.

-I didn't even get under the first gate.

-It was gonna be one way or the other - he's so tall.

-Either you were going to battle ahead, but he really was stronger than you.

-He did really well.

Today's three finalists are Concorde Carlos, On-And-On Donovan

and Amanda's favourite James. Here's how they made it this far.

To have made it to the Wipeout Zone feels surreal.

I've been to university before and I thought that was scary.

But coming here and doing this course...whoa. That's scary.

I think the Wipeout Zone is a more than worthy obstacle for me.

I can almost guarantee that I'm going to come off at one point.

I'm feeling...relatively scared. The course itself

looks very punishing. My competitors are both taller,

very fast individuals.

I would have to say that Carlos has slipped under the radar.

He's never spoken about getting this far.

Donovan? He's been an unsteady legend.

He's always so nervous before everything he does,

yet he always pulls it out the bag when the moment comes

and puts in an amazing performance.

I think if Donovan hits the water tonight, he'll panic.

The posh boy's definitely done good.

He's done himself and the army a credit.

They've trained him well.

Tonight, I do feel under pressure.

I'm against two fairly lean, mean proven athletes.

I want that ten grand, so I'm going to blitz this course as fast as I can.

I have got the self-belief to be Total Wipeout Champion tonight.

As long as my competitors take that one wrong step, that's my game.

To win tonight, I think, would be absolutely amazing.

There's £10,000 at stake

and to have got this far, I think it'll be a huge shame to not win it.

So, the final Wipeout Zone and I'm expecting a big finish.

It's that classic age-old battle

of soldier, versus chatterbox versus Bristolian.

One of them will be taking home £10,000

but before they do, they'll have to face this.

Here are the ultimate obstacles facing the contestants

in the Wipeout Zone.

Killer Surf - one big headache.

The Barrel Run - shin-ache.

The Bars - arm-ache.

The Spinner -

uh...stomach ache.

The Brusher - almost certain heartache.

Finally, the Launch Pads - everything-ache.

The clock stops and the quickest time will win the ten grand.

Now, before the finalists begin their quests,

the BBC asked me to go over to Argentina to report from the Wipeout Zone in person.

I said, "How about you send me to a seven-star hotel in Dubai for a week instead?"

They said, "How about a trip to the Jobcentre?"

Long story short, here are my dos and don'ts for the Wipeout Zone.

Yup, just completed the Wipeout Zone.

54 seconds. Smashed it - new record that will never be broken.

So the Wipeout Zone is deserted.

I'm all alone.

Well, apart from a cameraman, a sound man, camera assistant,

small gallery over there with the producer in it

and a man in a suit we think might be from the BBC.

So, all alone then, for my dos and don'ts for success

on the Wipeout Zone.

Don't think, "Oh, I love trampolines!"

Do check that your life insurance is up to date

and it covers you for pretty much anything.

Don't mistake the barrels for a harmless, knockabout video game.

Do look before you leap.

Don't keep getting our trophy wet. We've lost the rust-proofing guarantee.

Those are my dos and don'ts for success in the Wipeout Zone.

What am I gonna do now I'm here?

HE TOOTS BUZZER

TOOTS BUZZER

-TOOTS BUZZER

-Yup, that'll keep me occupied.

TOOT

So the three finalists Amanda's favourite James,

Concorde Carlos, On-And-On Donovan.

The stage is set. Let the battle commence. Amanda?

This is it - the climax, the crescendo,

the bit at the end...it's the Wipeout Zone.

And up at the start line, it's Carlos.

Will Concorde Carlos go supersonic or just end up obsolete?

-Let's get ready to rock 'n' roll. Come on!

-You can. We'll watch.

And we're away.

It's an extremely competitive field, so Carlos needs a quick start.

He's making the swim to the Barrel Run.

Here come the barrels.

And Carlos...

Oh, he's stumbled already!

He's forcing his way past them.

He looks a bit more confident.

Good recovery.

Now onto the Monkey Bars.

Slippery, of course.

Carlos really has taken the bit between his teeth.

This is a quick time. He is sailing through so far.

The Spinner next.

First, he's got to get on. Now the dismount -

this is where it gets tricky. So many fall here.

He's off.

Ooh! That was one of the smoothest mistakes I've ever seen.

Right, the Brusher. This can be heartache for so many competitors!

There you go!

There is yet another one brushed off. Carlos just gets caught

by one of its giant bristles.

That's his only slip-up so far, though.

Still a good time, Safely onto Launch Pad number one.

Weighing up the second, now.

If he makes it, he will set a very good benchmark time.

He's on... Just one more leap to the finish! Steady...

And a lovely jump! Carlos completes the Wipeout Zone

-with just one mistake.

-ARRRGGH!

So, down to Amanda.

-Well done you, Carlos! That was unbelievable!

-Thank you!

-How you feeling?

-It was excellent. Absolutely excellent.

Knackered, excited, can't explain how I'm feeling right now!

-That was unbelievable!

-I can tell you right now that your time tonight

was 1 minute and 47 seconds!

-I'm pleased with that.

-The next contestant up tonight is Donovan.

Let's watch.

This is for my friends, my family! Awooga!

Not going to name them all this time? OK, got things on.

Donovan needs to beat Carlos's 1 minute 47 to be in with a chance.

That's a strong swim.

-Straight away! Maybe he's gonna do it.

-Come on!

This is pre-greased to be incredibly slippery.

Then onto the Barrel Run itself. He doesn't just talk the talk.

He is making the barrels look very easy!

How does that feel, watching On-And-On Donovan

leaping away like this? Onto the bars, the next obstacle

between him and the possible £10,000 paycheck.

And he's run through that... Not a problem.

-Come on, Donovan!

-Now, onto the Spinner.

Carlos was very quick on... Donovan does need to get a move on,

but it's getting off this that's tricky.

Wasting time, there. The longer he's there, the dizzier he'll get.

He's got to go for the jump now to stay in the game.

He's stayed on. That was a good landing.

I'd be nervous if I was Carlos now, watching this.

The Brusher, if he makes this...

Donovan picking his moment.

Takes the moment, and it's the wrong moment!

Oh, just like Carlos, then.

The Brusher has dispatched Donovan into the waters below.

That could cost him it. Doesn't look like he'll beat Carlos's time now.

He jumps... Oh!

He'll never get back up... He has!

One Launch Pad to go.

He's tired now. He's feeling it.

Definitely one for the dramatic pause, Donovan - onto the second...

Oh! No!

That's gotta hurt! He jumped but kept on going.

Second attempt. First Launch Pad.

Onto the second one, no mistakes this time round.

One more jump and On-And-On Donovan's ordeal is over.

He doesn't yet know his or Carlos's time, remember.

Great sportsmanship from Concorde Carlos. And Donovan is finished.

Donovan, you weren't smooth enough tonight, because Carlos has been quicker than you,

so you'll have to join the rest of the gang. Sorry.

-Well done!

-Well done.

Look out, here comes the cavalry!

Time to ride! Yee-ha!

KLAXON

And Amanda's favourite is in the water! James set a new record

and comfortably won his Dreadmill heat.

But now, he faces beating Carlos's amazing time.

This is quite a challenge ahead of him.

Onto the Barrel Run. James's 6'5" frame clearly an advantage here,

as in bars and just about everywhere else, I've no doubt.

Actually, that height could be a hindrance on the Monkey Bars.

There's a lot of him to haul across, but he's doing it easily.

Easily! Onto The Spinner...

James is just dispatching this!

Makes the transfer safely!

Onto the Brusher, he's taken two, now three..

Clean sweep for the Brusher this week.

James loses his footing and is down.

Carlos's chances of winning have just improved.

Launch Pads... One...

He did one and two in one go!

That is mission complete for Amanda's favourite. An amazing run!

James has smashed the Wipeout Zone in a record-breaking time.

Time for Amanda to crown today's champion.

You were pretty incredible, but I've also got to tell you

that Carlos was unbelievable.

Carlos, your time was super-speedy,

and on any other night, it'd have been fast enough, but not tonight,

because James, you are the Total Wipeout Champion!

You were awesome!

What a record-breaking show - three successful Ball crossings,

and today's champion, James Scott,

recorded the fastest qualifier time of this series, and the fastest time EVER for the Wipeout Zone.

So, that's it. The end of the quest.

But now things get serious, because this week's finalists have booked their last places

in what will be the ultimate battle between man and...padded foam.

Yes, the wait is over.

Eight champions,

and those they vanquished in the Wipeout Zone.

It's going to be a clash of the Titans.

The ultimate competition for the ultimate accolade.

The crowning of the Supreme Total Wipeout Champion.

So book yourself a ringside seat.

Amanda and I will see you next time for Total Wipeout - The Final. Goodbye.

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