Episode 7 Total Wipeout

Argentina, South America.

A country of passion, steak,

and home to the small hairy armadillo,

but also home to the greatest assault course this side of Fiji

and that side of Fiji as well.

20 brave Brits including a fire fighter, a bailiff and a croupier

have travelled to South America wanting nothing more than to prove their physical capabilities

by tackling the most ridiculous obstacle course ever built.

The only souvenirs 19 of them will come away with, are bruises.

But one will win the ten grand prize and a trophy to add to their bruises.

Let the games begin.

Hello and welcome once again to Total Wipeout.

If you haven't seen the show before then you're in for a treat.

Assuming your idea of a treat is watching people fall off big things into pools of mud.

Which, I'm guessing it is. You're only human.

Time to find out what's in store for today's 20 British competitors.

The Qualifier, yellow alert.

Ah!

The Sweeper, amber alert.

Dizzy Dummies, red alert.

And the Grand Final, the Wipeout Zone.

Run out of colours on that.

So, let's get things started and join my co-host down on the course.

It's the woman whose work permit ran out last week, so she's married a local to stay in Argentina.

It's Mrs Amanda Byram-Rodrigues.

I'm joined at the top of the Qualifier by 55-year-old Steve who is a world record holder.

-Steve, dish it.

-Yes, I hold the world record in pull-ups.

Chin-ups...

Come on!

I've also done rope records...

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Dips, that sort of stuff.

Make-up!

What kind of records do you think you'll be breaking here today?

The £10,000 one? That would be a good one!

Yeah, that's not a record, Steve. It's an amount of money.

# Young at heart. #

This is for all the young at heart, you're never too old to win!

Steve has broken nearly 20 world records. Will he break any today?

OK. There's one already, most shocking shorts ever.

We'll give him that one. A new world record.

First today, the return of Dodge Ball.

One time Olympic champion, Felipe, and his not-so-merry men,

have been recalled from a lucrative tour of Argentina's working men's clubs.

Now dubbed the quickest ball-slingers east of the Andes,

they're here once again to bruise and abuse.

But Steve's not put off by their fashionable boiler suits and caps,

he is flying along.

Onto the Sucker Punch.

Steve now needs to make his way across to the other side

without falling into the mud.

He's avoiding the punches...whoa, no, that was a trip!

That's another record gone.

The lowest Sucker Punch ever. Less of a punch, it was a trip.

I've not seen that before.

Big Balls time.

Steve has broken 15 pull-up records,

proof of his immense upper body strength.

Mud in the eye, that'll help him.

-Argh!

-Oh!

Unfortunately, that immense strength is of no use on the Big Balls,

whatsoever. Legs just folding under him,

the classic side effect of good upper body strength, that.

Lower body strength - letting him down!

Steve now has to swim over to the fourth and final obstacle.

If the Guinness Book Of Steve is going to set a decent time,

he really does need a good landing here.

Here he goes!

He's gotta land it, he's gotta land it.

Here we go.

He hasn't landed it. He fell in.

Steve holds a world record for rope climbing.

Sadly all the rope swinging records are held by the Bulgarians.

He missed out on them.

# Young at heart. #

Surely, those pull-up records will be helping here?

-Pull yourself up. Come on, Steve, pull up!

-Come on, Steve!

Yes! Yeah.

Nevertheless, Guinness Book Of Steve finishes in a good time, 2.37 mins.

-Whoa!

-What was that?

That was scary.

Here's the next contestant. I wonder what he does for a living?

CIRCUS MUSIC

Ah. OK, that'll be it. Thank you.

So I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Garry, who's a trainee circus performer.

So, Garry, do you wear a big red nose and drive around

in one of those cars where all the doors fall off?

No, I'm not a clown. I'm a trapeze artist.

So, these skills will come in very handy on this course today?

Oh, yeah, I can't wait.

I'm Airborne and I'm gonna flow through this! Woo!

Garry the Clown - sorry, trapeze artist - is training

at the Belfast Clown...sorry, Circus School.

Those look suspiciously like a pair of clown trousers to me.

He's pretty quick, though.

-Oh...

-I have high hopes for Garry.

Oh!

# Baggy trousers

# Baggy trousers

# Baggy trousers... #

Onto the Sucker Punch.

Look at those kecks! What was he thinking?!

But he's made it across all the same.

Perhaps Garry the Clown can stretch those slacks out

and glide across the Big Balls like a flying squirrel! That's right...

No, he opts for the jump, followed by the face full of rubber.

# Everybody's gotta learn some time. #

He appears to be in trouble because he is carrying a lot of water

in those trousers with him now.

# Baggy trousers... #

But Garry and his trousers finish in a time of two minutes 19.

I haven't got the stats, but I'm sure that makes him the fastest clown all series.

This is Julie. She's a nurse from Bristol.

She's certainly got all the moves,

but will they help her on the Total Wipeout course?

Is she doing that on purpose?

Nursey Julie's hobbies include boxercise - whatever that is -

and body combat - whatever that is.

So this should have been a doddle, but it... No.

None of that helped - whatever it was.

Points for drama - that looked good!

I think that one just anaesthetised her.

Anaesthetised? Anaesthetise... I can't say it. Never mind.

Right, it's Big Ball time for Nursey Julie.

Only two competitors have made it across so far this series,

-so come on, Julie. All you've gotta have is belief!

-Oh!

Oh, I should've finished that sentence with "skill and ability".

Knees bent, arms stretched... That was half a hokey-kokey!

Nursey Julie hokey-kokey's her way to the finish line

in 3:24. Will that be enough to see her into the top 12?

Now, who's this sweet little thing?

I'm sorry, mate, that's awkward. Just the bunches...

Oh, I've upset him! Sorry!

I'm joined at the top of the course by Kenny, who is an inspector croupier.

-Are you a French detective?

-No, I'm not. I'm a croupier.

Ah, OK. And an inspective one?

Oh, yes!

I'm Ace and I'm gonna deck this course!

# Dude, look like a lady... #

That was one of the best starts I've ever seen!

Ow!

Oh!

# Dude, look like a lady... #

Kenny lists his greatest achievement as growing his beard.

Well, he can add the most ludicrous start seen on Total Wipeout

to that list now!

Dodge Ball up first. Ooh!

Casino Kenny getting a really hard time from the boys.

I don't think they like the bunches! They haven't take well to that.

Oh, he's off! He is off.

Struggling to get out.

Onto the Big Balls for Casino Kenny and... Ow!

You see, just like being at the casino -

one minute you're a high roller, the next minute you're bust.

And so are your legs.

Casino Kenny only has one card left to play.

I don't think that's what he had in mind, but OK!

# Get up off of that thing and dance... #

Come on, Kenny, land! Oh!

BELL RINGS

No! Kenny, you can't have two goes. You've tried, you failed. Let go!

Did he really think he was going to get back up again?

The house always wins in casinos.

And the course always wins in Total Wipeout.

Kenny finishes in three minutes 12. Could be worse...

could be a lot better.

Again, what was that?

This is Lee and he's a 20-year-old security guard from Derby. Nice hair!

-Interesting warm up technique...

-# Ooh, baby, baby... #

Very impressive, Lee, but becoming irritating.

The Big Balls now for Lee.

This man has had the big red ball shaved into his head!

Maybe that's the secret to defeating them - mimic them.

Oh! Oh, no! No, it's not the secret!

Now Lee has a real big red ball embedded in his head!

Oh, ho, ho! Despite that spectacular fall, this is still looking like

a very good time, with just the Wall Swing to go.

Come on, Lee, land it!

-Oh, yes! Well done, Lee!

-Who's the man?

-He's the man!

-Come on!

Lee becomes the first to land the Wall Swing today and posts the fastest time so far -

1 minute 40 seconds.

That was an impressive run there from Lee.

Certainly more impressive than his haircut. What is that?

Now, question for you - Ray Winstone, Ross Kemp, Vinnie Jones.

What have all these guys got in common?

They're all actors?

Vinnie Jones isn't an actor.

Or Ross Kemp.

No, what I was going to say was, they're all tough guys. Just like our next three contestants.

Meet Sandy,

Paul

and Mickey.

I'm gonna totally wipe out all the other contestants!

Either you got it or you ain't! I've got it, you're gonna see it!

Remember, kids - always use protection!

Come on, British tough guys! Show those Argentinians how hard you are.

Ha-ha!

Come on!

Yeah, bring it on!

Oh, ooh! Ow! Ow!

Don't show the pain. Pretend you like it.

Sandy is a chef from Aberdeen. Tough.

See?

And that's Mickey. He's an NVQ assessor. Er...tough.

Paul from Somerset.

He runs a baby nursery.

Tough...ish.

I'm going to totally wipe out all the other contestants on this course!

-Tough guy, eh, Paul?

-Well, you try.

Ow!

So, can tough-guy Mickey tame the big balls?

No.

What about Tough Guy Sandy? ..No.

OK, here we go!

Perhaps Tough Guy Paul's got it sussed? ..No.

No, he hasn't.

Just the Wall Swing to go

for these three tough guys.

Oh...

-Sandy?

-'What? Oh. What's Sandy up to?'

Tough guys don't undo ropes.

Or swing on them.

No. That's terrible! Impressive times, though.

For Tough Guy Mickey...

For Tough Guy Paul...

And for Tough Guy Sandy...

Tough guys indeed and three very good times as well.

I reckon they could have been a bit faster with a better rope technique.

Now, a little while ago, the BBC asked if I'd like to go to Argentina to report live from the course.

I said, "No way, that's far too far away."

Then they said, "How's about a trip to the land of butterflies and chocolate?" I said, "Yeah!"

Unfortunately, the plane got diverted, so here's my report from Argentina.

But they have promised me definitely next week for the butterflies and chocolate.

I'm up here for two reasons -

cos I'm so good at the Leap Of Faith,

and secondly, to give you my Dos and Don'ts for success on the Qualifier swing.

DON'T visualise.

-How will you inspire yourself to be the best that you can be on that course today?

-Visualisation.

DO remember to untie the rope.

DON'T be afraid of the bobbles.

They're bobbles.

DO remember that we tend to make you land on slippery or narrow things.

DON'T ever, ever, let go of the rope.

Those are my Dos and Don'ts for the Qualifier swing.

Um...

Help!

Next to go is 26-year-old Lorraine from Kent.

Steady, steady!

This is for all the frustrated office workers who just want their freedom!

We haven't done that to her face with computers, she's done that.

Lorraine works for Kent County Council.

She says she's lost sleep

thinking about how to tackle the first obstacle.

Come on, Lorraine.

I hate to have to tell you, Lorraine, that actually isn't it.

That's not the first obstacle, that's... Here we go.

Yes, one step closer...

to the first obstacle.

Lorraine must now face her first real challenge.

Oh!

Ooh!

The Dodge Ballers showing no mercy!

Going over.

Oh! The more cruel it is, the more they enjoy it. Oh!

Let's leave Braveheart Lorraine with those merciless Dodge Ball boys

and rejoin her later on.

The first glance at today's leader board

sees Shorn Of The Head Lee in top spot,

Tough Guy Mickey in second and Garry the Clown in third.

Tough Guy Sandy is fourth, Tough Guy Paul is fifth

and Guinness Book Of Steve is sixth.

Casino Kenny is seventh, Nursey Julie is eighth

and Braveheart Lorraine... is still going.

Now, some people think that in order to win Total Wipeout

all you have to do is be super fit and avoid falling off stuff.

And, well, yeah, that is partly right.

But it goes so much deeper than that, you need mental strength,

spiritual fulfilment, all that yin and yang stuff and...

OK, I am busking this a bit, but here's a man who knows all about it.

I'm joined now at the top of the qualifier by Adam, who is a supermarket store assistant,

but I know there's a lot more to you than that, isn't there?

Yes, Amanda, I consider myself as a free thinker.

I delve into philosophy and religion

and I try and answer questions of the meaning of life.

I look at yoga and Buddhism. I try and centre myself with meditation and yoga...

(She's not listening.)

(Yep, definitely not listening.)

..mind and body together. And that's what I'm trying to hope to prove today.

Your energy has been released, go forth and conquer.

Thank you, Amanda.

I am a gentle warrior!

I flow like a gentle breeze, but I am strong like granite.

OK(!)

That might help.

Adam claims to have trained his body like a Shaolin monk,

but can he avoid a series of high velocity balls aimed at his box?

Ooh! It would seem so.

Nice dive!

Very Zen-like.

Until he fell in the water.

If you are victorious today, how would you celebrate?

After meditation practises, building up all my energy

to throw myself into this course,

I shall release the energy by doing a horse stance.

HE EXHALES

HE BREAKS WIND

Adam has also tried his hand, well, probably both of them,

at Thai boxing, maybe that will come in useful on the Sucker Punch.

Very impressive.

Nifty, Adam.

How does he do that? He's done it!

Adam now makes his way up to the Big Balls.

Yes, yes, ooh!

Oh, bad luck!

He was at one with the balls.

Well, his shoes match them anyway.

It's a kind of harmony going on.

Something celestial.

Strong like granite.

And a little bit rubbery like an elastic band.

He sings like granite.

Just the Wall Swing to go for Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam.

And this is looking like a very impressive time.

Argh!

Strong like a Shaolin monk,

a bit rubbish at rope swings though.

Still, Adam reaches the finish podium in the fastest time today.

Maybe he'll get a tattoo to celebrate.

Back to Braveheart Lorraine,

who's still trying to get herself out of the water.

Even the Dodge Ball boys have given up!

That's a first.

Come on, Lorraine, hang on in there, it's...

Oh, she's still...

Never seen them give up. She's out!

She's done it, she's out and she's a sitting duck!

They were never gonna ignore that.

She's down again.

I think we'll leave Lorraine to it.

This is 20-year-old architectural technician, Katie.

She lists her interests as boxing, swimming and trampolining,

widely regarded by aficionados

as the three key attributes for success on the qualifier.

It bodes well, but can she bob and weave her way past the dodge balls?

She's weaving. And now she's bobbing.

Ouch!

They enjoy it, they do.

If you scream, it makes them throw harder.

She's back up though.

No, she's bobbing again.

OK, Katie, put that behind you and concentrate on your trampolining.

It's what you need. Yes...

Oh.

Well, what was that?

A quickish Katie still manages to finish in a quickish time of 2:40.

-Oh!

-I think she needs a sit down. She's earned it.

How's Braveheart Lorraine getting on?

She's enjoying herself, that's the main thing.

Remember your mother's advice.

Don't go on Total Wipeout?

Mummy told her to stamp her feet to get rid of the mud

before she takes on the big red balls.

Cos that's gonna help her get across.

Yeah, that and a miracle.

Anyone else thinking this may not go well?

OK, let's hope. Come on, lift, here we go, yes!

Here she goes!

She's still smiling, look. That was a smile.

Come on, Lorraine, just the Wall Swing to go.

I love it when people battle on. You're nearly there.

This is some determination.

She's got enough determination for all of us. Come on!

Come on.

How's she still smiling? How's she doing that? Maybe it's fixed.

Sorry, I can't.

Come on, Lorraine, you're nearly there!

I can't do it.

You're so right there.

I can't.

Oh, you can.

Just climb up the stairs and then you're finished.

I'm wiped out, I'm sorry.

You'll regret this, Lorraine.

I know, I really can't.

So after all she endured, Braveheart Lorraine calls it a day on the qualifier.

According to the Total Wipeout stopwatch,

it was closer to two days, but let's not split hairs.

She took a battering

and fought on further than ever I thought she would get after that.

I can't help but admire her.

That was some tough spirit.

It took a ladder to defeat her.

I'm often asked how we get hold of such amazing Dodge Ballers.

I've never been asked that, but if I were, I know the answer.

You need two things - a lot of money and their pager number.

Oh yes, they still use pagers in Argentina.

# Keep movin', movin', movin'

# Though they're disapprovin'

# Keep them doggies movin' Rawhide

# Don't try to understand 'em

# Rope, throw and brand 'em

# Soon we'll be livin' high and wide

-# Move 'em on

-Head 'em up

-Head 'em up

-Move 'em on

-# Move 'em on

-Head 'em up

-Rawhide

-# Cut 'em out

-Ride 'em in

-Ride 'em in

-Let 'em out

-# Cut 'em out

-Ride 'em in

-Rawhide. #

I'm coming!

Well, the Dodge Ball boys have battered and bruised

the contestants all series,

but will 26-year-old bailiff Rachel fare any better?

Simply, no.

A fast ball to the ribs and it's another early victory for the Dodge Ball boys.

Hey, don't aim for my head!

No, she's down again.

This is 22-year-old dentist, Ellie, who's next to try her luck.

-FAIRGROUND MUSIC

-That music can only mean one thing.

Actually, I don't know what it means.

What does it signify?

Ooh, another score for the Dodge Ball boys!

Ellie keeps low, but only succeeds in getting a ball in the face

for her trouble.

34-year-old Geordie mum-of-three, Jo, now.

Jo is here! I think I need a drink!

SHE SCREAMS

-FAIRGROUND MUSIC

-Oh, no, there's that music again.

It kind of sinister now I know what it means.

And Jo's gone as well.

This is turning into a one-sided affair.

But still those balls rain down like...

giant...red ball rain...stuff.

Oh, yeah, Filipe's happy.

Can Steph, a 44-year-old health worker from Liverpool,

do any better?

Oh, my word, the Dodge Ball boys must have just had

their mid-morning steak, they're really going for it.

Don't feed them before they do this.

Mind you, Steph's made of sterner stuff, shoulders of steel.

What's she doing now?

This is Dodge Ball, Steph, not Catch Ball.

She's actually thrown one back!

She's returned fire.

A score for the contestants, the ball boys won't like that one bit.

Go on, Steph, you've nearly made it.

SHE SCREAMS

A parting shot from the ball boys there.

And a headache to take home and cherish.

After that pounding on the Dodge Ball,

the Sucker Punch should be a piece of cake.

Oh, ah. Sadly not.

Just the Wall Swing to go for screaming Steph.

# There she goes... #

Here we go... Oh.

Go on, have another go. Land it. Yes!

Yep, it's not going very well for Steph, is it?

Oh!

Screaming Steph makes it to the finish line in 3:55.

Which, unfortunately, is the slowest time so far.

Oh, my God!

Another look at the leader board sees Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam

in top spot, with Shorn Of The Head Lee and Tough Guy Mickey in third.

Garry the Clown is fourth. Tough Guy Sandy is fifth

and Geordie Jo is sixth.

Tough Guy Paul is seventh, Quickish Katie is ninth,

Casino Kenny is 11th and Nursey Julie is 12th.

15 competitors have tried their luck on the Qualifier so far

and they're now all sitting around comparing stories and bruises.

Only five are left to go, all vying for a place

in that all-important dozen. Let's see who's next.

This is 22-year-old industrial radiographer

and part-time boxer Chris.

Total Wipeout? This is gonna be a total knockout!

I think he might be from the North, you know.

Now, I looked up "industrial radiographer" on the internet

and it means...something to do with x-rays.

Is that meant to happen?

Side effect of his work, maybe.

He should really get that looked at.

But he is past the Dodge Ball Boys in no time.

This guy is quick!

Now, boxing man versus boxing machine.

Or boxing wall.

Yeah, flashy, but you fell off.

Not so good.

He's like a coiled spring.

A very muddy coiled spring.

But this is a very fast time.

We're on the balls!

Chris charges at the balls! One, two, three...

Oh! What happened then?

He lost his shoe!

He very nearly makes it to the fourth ball,

while his left shoe takes a break on the second.

Cracking stuff from Knockout Chris.

Right, if he can land this now,

he's going straight to the top of today's leader board.

One trainer gone!

I don't know what means, but I'm sure it's positive.

And he does it!

Yeah, man!

He does it. He really must get that looked at though.

That was an almost flawless run from Knockout Chris.

In fact, at 1:24, that is the fastest time we've had all series.

You are the man! Put it there. What a performance!

Thank you, thank you.

Great performance. I think I'd really well.

Knocked out most of the obstacles, like I said.

Also knocked out my trainer, so I'm missing one.

In them mud pits somewhere, I think.

Nope, me neither. Not a word.

Right, now, Total Wipeout is fun for all the family.

Except your weird uncle, he doesn't seem to like it.

But it's also family fun for the competitors.

Meet the wife of a man who's extremely difficult to forget...

or if you're a woman, forgive.

So I'm joined now by Kim who is an army signaller from Worthing.

So, Kim, what is your motivation for being here today?

Well, my husband was on the show last series...

This one's for all the boys out there!

..And he got to the final three...

Prove girls can't win!

..And he doesn't like women beating him.

Come on!

I'm here to prove that I can beat him.

Yeah, you go girl!

I'm going to prove to all you men out there that women aren't weak!

I would LOVE her to beat Johnny's time.

Here's a reminder of how the lovely action man Johnny started his run.

Ouch!

There you go. Sucker Punch now.

Let's have a reminder of how dear Johnny got on.

Yeah, the Sucker Punch dealt a blow for equality.

I just wanted to see that again, really. Well, my daughters did.

Sorry. Come on, Kim!

Aw!

Girls can't win, come on!

He never lets up, that's the thing about Johnny.

Right, just the Wall Swing to go.

Come on, Kim!

Picture Johnny's face when you tell him you've beat him.

'This is for all the boys out there, to prove girls can't win, come on!'

Go on, go on, go on, land it, go on!

Land it. Never mind.

Never mind, it's not important. It's not important.

Action Woman Kim finishes in a time of 2:34.

Will that be enough to get her into the top 12

and prove her husband wrong?

When Johnny watches this, which he will be, with bated breath,

do you think he'll be proud of you, do you think he'll be thinking,

"Yeah, you know what? My wife, she's a strong chick."

No, he'll be laughing at me.

Now, what have we got here?

It's 22-year-old model Charlotte from Cambridge,

and 25-year-old fireman Riccardo from Essex.

It's OK, they're boyfriend and girlfriend, that didn't just happen.

Fireman Riccardo, saving cats all day, this should be a doddle!

Bish, bash, bosh, I'm a little bit posh, watch me go!

I was half expecting them to do it holding hands.

If she WAS posh, would she say, "bish, bash, bosh"?

Riccardo and Charlotte, the Posh and Becks of Total Wipeout?

You can decide which one's which.

Right, Dodge Ball's first.

Charlotte now. Easy, boys, Riccardo might duff you up for that.

Love is a beautiful thing and it can't be dampened by dodge balls.

Bruised, possibly.

Or dampened by water, even.

I dunno where I'm going with this now.

Come on, Riccardo, do it for Charlotte. Good dive, stylish.

Come on, Charlotte, do it for Riccardo.

Ooh! Oh, yeah!

That... Oh!

# I've grown accustomed to her face... #

Don't worry, Charlotte, he'll still love you with a broken nose.

# ..To her face. #

Now, fly young lovers - fly on the wings of love.

# Now I've had the time of my life

# And I owe it all to you... #

OK, swim.

Swim with the fins of love.

# ...Never felt this way before... #

Not long to wait now till the lovers are reunited.

Yes!

Riccardo finished in 1:59 while Charlotte only manages 3:28.

So will the both make it through to the Sweeper?

I couldn't bear the thought of them being separated.

That was horrible!

So, to the 20th and final competitor of the day.

It's Rona, executing a perfect double thumbs up.

I'm joined now by the very smiley Rona from Glasgow

who's the World Cup holder, Rona, in what?

In the most ridiculous sport in the world, Amanda - rocketball,

which is a mixture between dodge ball, lacrosse, fighting...

You know we have Dodge Ball on the course today?

Perfect, I'm ready for it. I am ready for it, Amanda.

Dodge Ball and fighting - this girl is perfectly qualified.

She could have been created for the course.

Big Red Balls, watch out! I'm coming to highland fling ya!

Yeah! She doesn't even arrive burdened down with dignity

or any of that nonsense.

Rona needs to complete the course as quick as she can

if she wants to get into the Top 12 and into the next round,

so come on, Rona.

You'll have to throw better than that!

Oh, she's a mouthy one!

Oh.

Was she laughing? She was actually laughing. Ow!

Right in the head.

Oh, she's in! She's in.

Big Red Balls, come to yer mummy!

Looking good at Big Balls now, though.

Oh, yes. Onto the first one.

This IS good.

Oh. Looking less good.

Strong finish is needed here from Rona, she can still make it.

Oh, dear.

SHE SCREAMS

That is the final fling for Smiley Rona.

That fall means she's not quite quick enough

and just fails to qualify for the next round.

But here are the lucky 12 that did.

In first place, it's Knockout Chris, after that record-breaking run.

Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam is second.

Shorn Of The Head Lee is third.

Chalardo is fourth, Tough Guy Mickey is fifth

and Garry the Clown is sixth.

Geordie Jo is in eighth, Tough Guy Paul ninth.

Guinness Book Of Steve is 11th

and rounding out the Top 12 is Quickish Katie.

That was an epic struggle between good and evil.

12 heroes march on but for the 8 losers, the saga ends here.

There will be no sequel. Or prequel.

MUSIC: Star Wars (Main Theme) by John Williams

I'm coming!

Watch out, I'm coming to highland fling ya!

Without further ado, let's move on to the next round.

Well, there is a small amount of ado,

because I've got to explain what the next round is. It's The Sweeper.

Ado done.

Today's Sweeper sees the return of the giant version of those plastic,

grabby claw toys you had as a kid.

Except this one's huge, it's not made of plastic

and it swings round in circles,

knocking people off podiums and into water.

It is the Crusher.

Let's meet the lucky 12.

On podiums one, two and three

it's Chalardo...

Garry the Clown...

and Tough Guy Sandy.

You might take my legs but you'll never take my FREEDOM!

On podiums four, five, six and seven...

it's Quickish Katie...

Geordie Jo...

Shorn Of The Head Lee...

and Knockout Chris.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Adam, you ain't gonna beat me!

Nice, rivalry! That's good.

On eight, nine and ten...

it's Guinness Book Of Steve...

I might be the oldest one up here, Garry,

but I'll be up here the longest!

I don't think so!

..Action Woman Kim...

and Tough Guy Paul.

Finally, on 11 and 12...

it's Tough Guy Mickey...

You've either got it or you ain't!

I had it, but I think I've lost it!

Or maybe Not So Tough Guy Mickey.

..And Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam.

Chris, you won the first round,

but you're gonna get KO'd in the second. Ding, Ding!

Great, more rivalry! Fun for us.

12 stand, 7 will fall.

Well, 11 will fall eventually,

but the first seven to do so are out of the competition at that point.

The Crusher will then keep on crushing, bumping and tripping

for as long as it takes until only one remains

and the king or queen of the Crusher will be crowned.

Don't get too excited, it's just a title.

They won't get put on stamps or money or anything.

But they'll be proud!

It's time to sort out the men from the boys,

the women from the girls and the strong from the wobbly.

It's the Sweeper. Are you all ready?

ALL: Yeah!

Sounds like it. Three, two, one...

AIR HORN

The game is afoot.

A big, red, padded, pole-shaped foot, aimed squarely at the shins.

Oh, Jo's gone already!

It is so easy to over-balance on those podiums.

As the bar was coming towards me, I was absolutely petrified.

So, yeah, don't want to do that again.

Geordie Jo is out.

Now Guinness Book Of Steve's gone and Action Woman Kim.

Steve almost makes it and Kim's legs just turn to jelly.

Lee's just gonna laugh at me. He's gonna find it hilarious,

cos he obviously got through, so... But never mind.

Hopeless, what was I?

Cheer up, Steve! So, three down and four to go

until the five that will go through to the next round are left.

Oh, Tough Guy Paul's in trouble.

He goes over and he just can't hang on.

It was just there one second. I went down, tried to grab on

and that was it, my momentum, sluggishness just pulled me down.

So, who's still in?

Mickey, Adam, Chalardo, Garry the Clown, Tough Guy Sandy,

Quickish Katie, Lee and Knockout Chris.

Oooh! It's getting faster!

Almost too fast even for Quickish Katie.

She's down again!

Get up!

But she's up again.

And down again!

The next three to fall are out

and Quickish Katie is determined it won't be her.

She's back up again.

Ooh, that was a huge hit!

Can she hang on? No, she can't.

Oh, shin smash, face plant - that was brutal.

Last woman standing though so it's gotta stand for something!

It IS something. But you're still out.

Seven remain. Riccardo, Garry, Sandy, Lee, Chris, Mickey and Adam.

But only five will go through to the next round.

And that Crusher is really hurtling round now, look at it go!

Oh! Tough Guy Sandy's gone.

Sandy looks like he catches his balance, considers his options

and then opts for the sideways dive.

Maybe he booked an early flight home.

Gutted. Retire gracefully, that's the best way.

Next one to fall's a rotten tomato.

A wet, eliminated rotten tomato with bruised shins.

Ooh! Shorn Of The Head Lee's gone.

He couldn't quite jump high enough and is the seventh person to fall.

Absolute gutted. Could've done more, but it's the whole point of the game.

But it's mad. Lovin' it. Appreciate it.

It's last man standing!

Garry the Clown takes a dive,

and Chalardo's struggling to get back to his feet. Whoa!

Oh!

The Crusher clips his toes, but he just manages to hang on.

But is then hit by the full force of the Crusher

when it comes round again - probably the most spectacular exit we've seen all series.

Only three left, then.

Ooh, Adam's gone.

It's Mickey or Chris.

No! Mickey's gone.

He somehow clears the Crusher, but then... Ugh!

Face plant and he's off for a swim.

That leaves Knockout Chris as the last man standing.

Chris - last man standing, fastest in the qualifier - the man to beat.

He is surely just not human.

What a performance from Knockout Chris. That was outstanding.

But we are only halfway though the competition and the last round has a funny way of mixing things up.

And I don't mean funny ha ha or funny peculiar.

In fact I don't mean funny at all, do I? I mean ruthless.

It's time for Dizzy Dummies!

It's been a while so let me remind you how this round works.

The Dizzy Dummy will do the dizzying for what seems like a lifetime

then it's through the Stumbling Saloon Doors or the Crazy Cutouts.

followed by a merry dance over the Tippy Tables

or the Barrel Run

Last one across the line on each run is eliminated.

It's at this time of day, or should I say, round about this time of day,

that we like to play Dizzy Dummies.

Are you ready?

No time like the present. Three,

two, one.

Let's remind ourselves of who the Dizzy Dummies are.

First up, he had it then he lost it.

You've either got it or you ain't. I've got it - you're gonna see it.

OK. Not So Tough Guy Mickey.

Next is the circus performer with the entertaining trousers.

I'm airborne and I'm going to float through this. Woo!

Garry the Clown.

Fastest qualifier and king of the Crusher...

Total Wipeout?! This is going to be a total knockout.

It's Knockout Chris.

Then, it's the spiritual shop assistant.

I flow like a gentle breeze, but I am strong like granite.

Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam.

And finally, he's the male half of the latest celebrity couple

Fireman Riccardo. Saving cats all day. This should be a dawdle.

It's Chalardo.

OK, so here goes the first run of the day.

Chris scampers off. He's looking good.

Ooh! But the tables have just tippied.

Garry the Clown now

making a dash. Sees his opportunity.

and...

-Yes!

-He races through. He's safe and... quite happy about it...

evidently.

Knockout Chris is immediately back on the tables

-and he's made it as well.

-Yes!

Three competitors are left - Chalardo, Not So Tough Guy Mickey,

who's just slipped in, and Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam.

Adam's on and straight off.

And eventually takes Chalardo with him.

Mickey makes his way through the Stumbling Saloon Doors.

Just about hanging on there. Joined by Adam. Aw, it's cosy on there.

Adam edges along the table.

Ooh! Ooh!

And Mickey's gone again.

Riccardo's back at the start, but Adam's onto the second table.

-And he's made it.

-Yes!

-Somewhat pleased also.

So Mickey or Riccardo is about to be eliminated.

Riccardo's down again.

Can Mickey take advantage?

He's hanging on - desperate!

He's onto the second table.

Everything to play for now.

-Yes!

-And Mickey powers home.

Oh, that was SO close.

That means Fireman Chalardo's out.

At least he can keep his girlfriend company. Won't he be happy?

That was such a valiant attempt. I really thought you had it.

-What went wrong?

-I've no idea.

Whitewatch, be kind to me when I get back, will you?

-You're going to have to join your other half now, but hard luck, Riccardo. See you later.

-Thanks.

Dizzy Dummies bringing loved ones back together instead of confusing and terrifying people like normal.

Only four are left - Mickey,

Adam, Garry and Chris -

but only three will make it to the Wipeout Zone. Last one across is out.

THEY SCREAM

Ah, the sweet sounds of unbridled joy.

They're enjoying... They're not enjoying that, no,

but it's necessary.

Knockout Chris is first out again.

And through the Crazy Cutouts this time.

Leaping onto the Barrel Run, hugging that barrel like an old, fat, wet friend.

Adam, though, in hot pursuit.

Solid landings from both of them.

Chris makes the pontoon first and is looking good.

straight onto the second set of barrels.

Oh, and he's going for it.

-And he's through. And he's through.

-Woo! Woo!

Chris is the first into the Wipeout Zone.

He's one step closer to that ten grand prize.

And Garry the Clown's made it too.

And Adam has.

Not So Tough Guy Mickey is eliminated. That was all over very quickly.

You look like you're about to snap in half, you poor little thing.

I'm totally wrecked.

Oh, I'm dizzy and it was fab.

So look out, Chris, Garry the Clown

and Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam have made it through to the Wipeout Zone.

If only there was a way to find out what such an achievement means to those guys.

There should be an interview with them and some rousing music in the background.

Oh, you've already...done it. All right.

Just remember, I thought of it first.

I feel that I'm very mentally strong for this course tonight.

I'm just going to try to take everything out of my head

and just concentrate on the finish line.

I think if you look in the dictionary, I do define confidence. Every exercise so far,

I've been number one.

Ah!

I seem to be getting better each round so I'm gonna keep going and hopefully keep getting better.

I feel that I've got an edge over Garry and Chris.

They seem to be very physical guys. Everything seems to be all body with them.

With me, I try to incorporate the mind more into it.

Most of what Adam says goes in one ear and out the other.

He's in a different world when he's talking.

To be honest, Chris is a bit more competition than Adam in my mind

but you don't know - it could go either way.

Tonight, I shall give 100% of myself.

and hopefully, they will be as one.

Yeah!

No-one's gonna come out clearly 20, 30 seconds ahead of each other.

I know it's gonna be literally seconds.

I can beat the Clown and the Meditator. The Clown is all in the name.

And the Meditator, he might as well go to sleep cos the boss is coming all the way.

Who will be today's Total Wipeout champion?

£10,000 is at stake. That's just the side bet that Amanda made with me on expenses.

Joking!

Mine was on expenses - hers was all her own money.

There is of course the £10,000 prize which will go to today's winner.

Let's head straight back to the course for what is sure to be a thrilling finish.

So, three finalists - Adam,

Garry and Chris will tonight be taking on...

..Killer Surf - splash down.

Barrel Run - jump over.

Monkey Bars - swing across.

Skidder - jump on.

Brusher - dash along.

Launch Pads - bounce off.

Finish - nice sit down.

Three great boys - one great big prize to be the Total Wipeout champion.

It's the Wipeout Zone, and Adam is at the start line.

First to go is Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam

and he's been one of the strongest competitors all day.

Live life with no regrets.

Or bruises, hopefully.

And he's off.

So Adam will be setting the benchmark today

against some strong challengers,

so he's gonna need to get around as quick as he can.

Onto the greased beam and up to the Barrel Run.

Remember that slope is covered in grease -

it's very slippery.

Here we go, oh! Losing his footing.

Now, he's in trouble -

those barrels will just keep on coming.

Now he's sliding back down.

This is a disastrous start for Adam.

He really needs to get a grip.

Preferably with his feet.

He's found his stride.

Onto the Monkey Bars.

Strong grip there, making his way across quickly.

Cleared the bars. Well done, Adam.

Right, the Spinner.

This is the undoing of many a great contestant.

-Yes!

-He's on.

Now, for the hard bit - getting off again.

Oh, no!

Oh, no. Just slid off.

That is a massive set back for Adam.

Every mistake costing him more and more time

and more energy getting back.

He had to climb up the ladder

and now he faces the Brusher.

Lovely clean run

and he's straight onto the Launch Pads.

That's incredible!

What a sensational finish

from Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam.

Adam had a tricky start with a trip up on the barrels and the Spinner.

But he finished in style to give himself a fighting chance this evening.

-Adam!

-Hello.

-Come on out, man.

-That was awesome.

-Thank you.

-Well done, you. How do you feel?

Absolutely awesome! I thought I really outdid myself.

I can tell you right now, Adam,

you did that in 1 minute and 37 seconds.

That's a good time.

It certainly was. OK, Roll up. Roll up!

It's Garry the Clown.

Let's rock!

Garry's circus skills probably will help

with his balance and agility here.

But Adam's time is gonna be difficult to beat.

Remember, Garry has no idea what that time was.

So straight on to the Barrel Run

OK. Incredible jumping from Garry there.

He's done better than Adam with those barrels.

He's ahead at this early stage.

Long way to go yet. Now onto the Monkey Bars.

He's across that easily.

Better prepare himself for the Spinner.

Well, on confidently.

Hang on a minute. That's an interesting technique.

He's walking against the Spinner.

I don't know that that's gonna help.

Cos he's struggling to keep level with the platform.

But he's made it. Very calmly done.

does he have a strategy for the Brusher.

Considering.

Still considering.

Ooh, he's away and looking good.

Oh, no! He's down.

-Oh!

-Oh, he's in.

Garry's weight on the Brusher pulled it back the other way and he was done for.

That was his first big mistake.

So Garry now climbs up the ladder

with just the Launch Pads

between him and the finish line.

He's still in with a shout here. Come on, Garry.

Onto the first, onto the second...

Oh, no!

-Oh!

-Oh, I might have this.

In his eagerness to win, Garry overshot the second Launch Pad.

That looked painful.

Now, Garry doesn't know that he's outside Adam's time.

He just needs to focus on finishing.

Yes. Yes. He's there.

And he looks exhausted.

The start of Garry's run was so controlled and steady. Some amazing jumping.

The Brusher threw him off his stride in the final straight

and he couldn't quite make up the lost time.

Still and amazing run.

Garry, come here, my man.

Oh, my... I don't even know what to say.

-I've never seen a performance quite like that.

-I fell twice.

I was disappointed in the trampolines.

Garry did such a good job. Adam, you know that and I can tell you right now...

that, Garry, you were slower, I'm afraid.

You're out of the competition.

You're gonna have to go join the others.

So with Garry out, it's now a straight fight between Crouching Tiger Hidden Adam

and Knockout Chris.

Remember, Chris was not only the fastest in the qualifier,

but also king of the Crusher and winner of the last Dizzy Dummies heat.

That's a Total Wipeout equivalent of getting a PhD from Cambridge,

a Nobel Peace Prize and your cycling proficiency badge.

One of which, I have got.

Here comes the only thing standing between Adam and that ten grand - it's Knockout Chris.

Wipeout, here I come.

Some quick swimming to get Chris on his way

and he's going to need to be quick.

That slope is slippery.

Chris sensibly opting for the crawling technique.

And the barrels are there to meet him already.

Chris hasn't got off to the best of starts.

Making heavy work of the Barrel Run.

Still going with the crawling technique -

it takes time.

Wow. Wow!

He's made it to the top though.

And he's reached the Monkey Bars.

Steadily making his way across.

He's still well within reach of Adam's time.

He just can't afford mistakes.

Spinner time for Knockout Chris.

He's cleanly on.

And quickly off again.

This is going to be a grandstand finish.

Looking very close. Onto the Brusher now.

Here we go.

Oh, no! I spoke too soon.

Oh, he's in. Oh, wow.

Chris barely made it onto the Brusher before taking a tumble.

He can't afford any more mistakes now or it's game over.

This going to be so close. It is going to be so close.

It is close. Here we go.

-And he's down again.

-Oh!

With the adrenaline pumping, Knockout Chris just bounced off the end of the second Launch Pad

and that is it for Chris.

He doesn't know it, but he's slower than Adam.

Yes. Yes. That's how you do it.

He's home and very, very wet.

As with Garry the Clown, Knockout Chris started very well,

but mistakes crept into what could have been an incredible run.

I know and you know, but it's time for Amanda to let Chris and Adam know who is tonight's champion.

Chris, my man, well done.

-Thank you very much.

-What a performance! That was unbelievable to watch.

Yeah, it was a pretty knockout round, there.

I've got to tell you that you're competition tonight. Both these boys are really, really fast.

But, Adam, I've got to tell you...

Adam, you are the Total Wipeout champion tonight. You're the winner of £10,000!

-Woo!

-Hard luck, mate.

-Yes!

Well done. mate. Woo!

Congratulations to the latest Total Wipeout champion, Adam Randall.

But it's not all over for Garry the Clown and Knockout Chris.

They'll be joining Adam and all the other finalists in two weeks' time for something very special.

Woo!

Woo-hoo!

Woo!

Ooh, that's going to be quite a thing.

We'll be back next week to watch more people falling off big things and getting very wet.

From Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]