Episode 6 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, South America.

Popular with game show fanatics and fitness freaks the world over

for one very good, very big and very muddy reason -

the Total Wipeout obstacle course.

Once again, it's Britain's turn to shine,

as 20 everyday folk including a farmer,

a policeman and a hairdresser

pit their wits against the greatest, most terrifying, and bonkers-est obstacle course in the galaxy.

Let the games begin.

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

Now, I've done a survey and discovered that the UK's favourite pastime is golf.

And the UK's second favourite pastime is watching other people fall off foam-covered obstacles.

That's where this show comes in.

Because you're about to see 20 competitors do exactly that.

18 holes of golf, lowest score wins.

Sorry, no, that's the wrong one. I meant the foam obstacle thing. Like these -

The Qualifier. Rated PG for parental guidance.

The Sweeper. Rated 15, for violent scenes.

The Dreadmill. Rated 18, for strong language.

And the grand final, the Wipeout Zone.

Borderline illegal.

Now, the competitors can't be expected to throw themselves over that lot

without having course-side assistance from someone who's calm under pressure,

trained in first-aid and has an NVQ level three in mickey-taking.

Amanda Byram. She's in position over in Argentina with the first of today's competitors.

So I'm now with Becca from York at the top of the Qualifier.

So, Becca, what is the edge that you have over everybody else in this competition today?

I think it's my burpees.

I'm very good at my burpees.

That's the best burpee I have ever seen in my whole entire life.

I don't know but I've been told, Becca's going to win the gold!

The voice of an angel.

So, Burpee Becca's first obstacle today is the Walk of Shame,

back for its second act.

Let's see if 27-year-old marketing manager Becca

can dance across.

Not a great start... Still, at least her eyes are dry.

Up onto the pontoon now for the first real obstacle.

SHE SCREAMS

That's a lot of noise!

Burpee Becca's got a personal trainer

in preparation for Total Wipeout.

The screaming's all natural.

Thank you, Walk of Shame.

That wasn't so much a Walk of Shame as a wobble, a stumble, a dunk of disgrace.

Burpee Becca hasn't finished her Walk of Shame yet,

so it's up onto the pontoon for the next set of steps.

I'm going to get the longest time!

Raw ambition from Becca, there.

Oh, dear...

She did make a second step.

That's a 100% improvement on her previous attempt.

Oh, my God! It's so cold!

That's to encourage you to get a move on!

Keep going, Becca, don't give up.

Burpee Becca's onto the Sucker Punch in no time at all.

If you're a snail.

She's looking confident.

Hmm. Actually, she's doing pretty well...

I think that was one to the ribs.

Come on, Becca!

Nope, it was the hip. My mistake.

It's bloomin' cold!

It stinks!

Hold on, that line was not in Titanic.

Anyway, onto the...

-DEEP VOICE:

-Big balls.

Who was that?! Certainly wasn't Burpee Becca.

I think exhaustion might be setting in.

They weren't lying when they said...

Yeah, she's just gibbering to herself now.

Oh, dear, who would have predicted that(?)

Burpee Becca can't wait to test out those goggles again,

perhaps she's looking for loose change on the bottom of the pool.

Be the only way she's taking any money home today, possibly.

A swim to the ladder.

And then up that ladder and on to the final obstacle.

Good job she wore waterproof nail varnish.

MUSIC: "Faith" by George Michael

Yeah, you guessed it, it's back again - the leap of George Mich... Sorry, faith.

Anyway, swing from there onto that.

It's simple. Here goes Burpee Becca.

Yeah, the rope isn't normally the difficult bit, this should be a run.

Here we go, and then the launch...

Good trajectory...

..bad everything else.

It hasn't gone brilliantly for Burpee Becca,

but she climbs onto the finishing podium in a time of 4 minutes 28.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Becca'll be hoping for some very slow competitors to come.

I'm at the start of the Qualifier now with Rob.

Rob, do you think you have what it takes to get across that course, physically?

I've got a tiger within, I think that's going to come out today.

Show me your tiger.

TIGER ROAR

Ah! That course is going to be absolutely petrified.

TIGER ROAR

That was unnerving.

Let's hope Rob can harness the well-documented

wobbly podium hopping abilities of the tiger - no, he can't.

Hee hee hee hee!

27-year-old recruitment consultant Rob is a qualified diver.

Which is handy.

Oh, brilliant.

A very damp Rob readies himself for the Sucker Punch now.

Look at his face!

What's wrong with his face?

Oh! Spoke to soon!

Oh, stop!

A great effort from Rob The Tiger there.

And eight lives still left intact.

Which leaves him four spare for the big balls

and three for the Leap of Faith.

Onto the balls now.

Rob The Tiger's brought most of the mud-pit with him.

TIGER ROAR

Bless you.

Can he pounce across the balls?

No, that was terrible.

Rob The Tiger down to seven lives now.

He does manage to stay upright - when it comes to the big balls

you've got to be thankful for small mercies.

Swimming, not an issue for Rob The Tiger.

Come on, Rob.

Release that tiger.

Seriously, Rob, if you have got a tiger, you've got to release it.

Here we go.

The Leap of Faith.

Oh.

So, three lives down, six to go.

And Rob The Tiger finishes in a respectable 2 minutes 59.

Next to tackle the Qualifier is 18-year-old part-time hairdresser Amy from Portsmouth.

# I need some love like I never needed love before

# Wanna make love to you, baby

# I had a little love... #

Sorry, Amy, they really should get that turntable fixed.

I'm a ninja in disguise. Ha-ya!

That sounded like fabric ripping.

And Amy sets off.

SQUEAKING

Little wardrobe malfunction to get things started,

and it's onto the Walk of Shame.

And then off again.

So, a swim to the pontoon for another attempt.

SQUEAKING

The shorts REALLY aren't helping.

Come on, Amy.

She's hanging on in there...

SQUEAKING

Is that her or the shorts making that noise?

Oh, this is incredible technique!

Slow, but incredible.

Something needs an oil.

SQUEAKING

Just two steps to go.

Plus the rest of the Qualifier.

-This is brilliant!

-Well, she's not letting go.

I'm a true gentleman, so I'm not looking.

SQUEAKING

Come on, Amy!

You can do this!

You're nearly there, come on!

Oh...

Can anyone walk the Walk of Shame?

It's time to call in the cavalry.

This is Natasha. A stud farm manager from Essex.

How'd she do that?

So, Natasha, will you be galloping your way around that course today?

I'll be galloping and jumping as much and as fast as possible.

I'm gonna giddy up, giddy up, giddy up and go!

-Just look at Natasha go.

-'And they're off.'

And a strong gallop to the Walk of Shame.

Surely Natasha's thoroughbred fetlocks will see her across here?

I think she needs stirrups to get across there.

Obviously trained to ride English-style.

OK, this could take a while...

Anyway, I've got the most amazing bit of showbiz gossip to tell you,

you won't believe it.... Oh!

She's fallen.

We rejoin Natasha in the mud bath, sorry, Sucker Punch.

Flying over canal turn and into the home straight now.

Yeah, the going slightly soft there.

Gallop reduced to a trot now,

but I think Mustang Tasha has a lot left in her.

Not as much as she's got on her, but a lot left in her.

Come on, Tasha, there's money riding on this.

There's punters.

She can jump all the way across these - I'm sure she can.

She's going to clear it - I'm sure she can.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm less sure now.

Mustang Tasha did, for a brief moment,

actually land on the first ball.

No-one's done that yet.

Let's see if the next contestant can.

This is 34-year-old receptionist Emma.

Like Mustang Tasha, she's carrying her own body weight

in Argentinian mud slime.

Emma loves assault courses.

She's been practising at her local park.

She's also currently reading Fern Britton's autobiography.

I don't know why that's relevant.

I just... I had it written down, I wanted to tell you. I shared it.

OK. Here we go.

I'm going to win it for the girls.

Watch and learn, boys, you're going to crash and burn.

OK, Emma, I'm a boy - I'm watching, I'm ready to learn, shoot.

Yeah, there's the crash... and there's the burn.

Those big balls can really chafe.

Let's see it again, so us boys can do some in-depth learning.

OK, pickin' up tips...

Yeah, I feel like I've learned something today.

Right, no mucking about.

This is 30-year-old Sean from Guildford

and he's a police constable.

So, PC Sean.

You don't seem to be fazed by this at all.

Is this how you are with the robbers?

Absolutely. Criminals of south London - petrified.

You have a petrified-looking face that you give them.

I do, it's a little bit camp though, sometimes.

Neither camp, nor scary.

Just a bit weird.

It's time to arrest this course and send it down for 20 years.

Yeah, Sean, you arrest this course.

That makes sense.

He's in the water.

He's up, he's out.

The Walk of Shame is usually reserved for Sean's, er, clients,

but let's see how he likes it, shall we?

Ooh!

That's pretty good...

Oh.

Well, pretty entertaining.

MUSIC: The Laughing Policeman

He'll be pleased I played that. A second chance for PC Sean

to reassert his authority on this course, now.

Oh, well.

Will the long arm of the law feel the long arm of the Sucker Punch?

You're not allowed to do this, surely.

Yes, yes.

Yes, several times, it would seem. Yeah.

Come on, PC Sean, show the balls what policemen are made of.

Aargh!

Wow! Aren't policemen bouncy?!

Dunked upside down and then backwards into cold water.

Memories of his induction into the Met come flooding back.

With just the Leap of Faith to go,

this is looking like a great time from PC Sean.

MUSIC: Naked Gun Theme

So, he swings...

Oh, dear.

-SHE LAUGHS:

-He's not letting go.

A great time, though, 2 minutes and 4 seconds.

So let's take a first look at the leader board.

And PC Sean is in the lead,

with Rob The Tiger and Burpee Becca in second and third.

Amy and her magic shorts are in fourth,

Emma and Mustang Tasha reclining in fifth and sixth.

Let's crack on with the next contest.

Do you think that you're going to ride

the victory wave here today, Gem?

I think I might surf down that first bit

and try not to fall over and smack my head.

Well, listen, you go get 'em, dude.

Come on!

So, Surfer Gemma's promised us she won't fall over and hit her head.

Er, hang on...

Let's see that again.

Did... Did she? Is that...?

I can confirm, Gem has fallen over and hit her head.

Let's see how she fares on the Walk of Shame.

Surfer Gem should be used to riding the crest of wobbly things,

so she should be...

Good swimmer, though, that's a plus.

Onto the Sucker Punch,

and Surfer Gem should be used to taking a tumble.

Yep, right on cue.

Right in the kisser.

So, a surfer taking on the Qualifier. What have we learned?

Nothing.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Paul, who is a postman.

So Paul, do you by any chance have a little red van

and a black and white cat?

I actually do, actually.

Yes, I have a black and white cat called Pepper,

-and I actually drive a little red van.

-Fantastic.

So, Postman Paul does have a black and white cat and a little red van.

Let's see how many more postman cliches I can deliver.

Oh, that was easy.

My name's Paul, and I always deliver the goods. Come on!

Strictly speaking, that was the same as mine. But it still counts.

First class slide down the ramp. Thank you.

But can Paul stamp...

his authority on the Walk of Shame?

Paul should have handled those with more care.

I thank you. Let's stop that game now.

Paul "actually actually" finished the Qualifier in a very respectable 2 minutes, 12 seconds.

Sorry about all the puns. I've finished that now.

OK, let's see if today's next competitor can POST a good time.

I promise, no more cliches. That is it.

MUSIC: Benny Hill Theme

Next it's Benny Hill, farmer.

Sorry, next it's Benny, hill farmer.

Benny, what would you do if you won the money today on Total Wipeout?

Well, I suppose I might buy a new bull for the farm, you know?

The old one's getting out of itself.

Not performing the best.

21-year-old farmer Benny is from Enniskillen

and wants a new bull for his farm.

So, will he charge through the course like a bull,

or stumble like a newborn calf?

Newborn calf it is.

Look at that walk. It could be called the harvest shuffle, maybe?

It could catch on... No.

Yeah. That new bull seems less likely right now.

On to the Sucker Punch,

and will this farmer get a closer look at some Argentinian slurry?

He's on... He's still on...

He's still on !

-And he makes it across!

-Yes!

Get out the bull catalogue, Benny, this is going well.

# I've got a brand new combine harvester

# And I'll give you the key... #

Oh. Shame.

Yeah, put the catalogue down again.

Think of the red landing pad as a red rag, bull-boy Benny.

Hurrah! Oh.

Despite the mis-landing,

Bull-boy Benny finishes in a raging time of 2 minutes 27.

Whoo!

Not bad for a farmer, eh?

I don't know, it tested me anyway.

-What?

-It tested me.

Tough, tough going.

What were you thinking when you went across the Sucker Punch?

Because, man, you were really good across that thing.

I'm used to getting an odd slap, so I kinda dodged them.

So, can you guess what Spencer here does for a living?

No, you can't, because he's a scrutiny officer.

A job no-one's ever heard of.

I'm 6ft 4, left-handed, ginger-haired and Welsh. Wales, this is for you.

Spencer says his greatest ever achievement

was winning an egg-and-spoon race in 1977.

He later admitted he'd only won

because he replaced the egg with a potato.

But I promised not to share that.

It looks like that'll remain Spencer's greatest achievement

for some time to come.

Yeah, hang on to that story.

Next is 35-year-old street dance teacher Kim.

This is for all the mums out there.

If you try, and you add an "umph" at the end, you will triumph.

But not in a spelling test.

So let's join Kim at the Sucker Punch.

Oh... Oops.

She's taking a few hits.

Ooh, well, she did try.

But it was the Sucker Punch that added the "umph",

right in the thigh.

What is a street dance teacher, anyway?

Now, does anyone know a good method of getting mud out of your eyes?

No, that's not it, clearly.

This little pit of Argentinian muck

is proving to be quite a popular tourist attraction

for today's Total Wipeout competitors.

Oh, this stinks!

In fact, if it gets any more visitors, I'm setting up an ice cream van next door.

What we need is a fit, young and nimble person to take on the challenge.

Oh, that's a coincidence.

Here's one now.

22-year-old Kat is a Cardiff rugby girl and physiotherapy student.

I don't need to say any more about that.

And a textbook face-plant there from Kat.

In you go, spectacular stuff.

This in Linda. A 58-year-old boxing housewife from Great Doddington.

Which makes her the hardest housewife in Great Doddington.

Somebody, fix that turntable.

Left hook, right hook, upper cut.

I'm going to box my way out of this course, nobody's gonna knock me out.

It's in the eyes, I'm terrified.

Fighting talk, there, the Sucker Punch won't like that.

Let's see if Left-hook Linda can put her money where her mouth is.

No, she just got punched where her mouth is.

Left hook, right hook, nobody's going to knock me out!

Linda there, reminding us why it's never a good thing

to get carried away with your shout-out at the top of the course.

Now, the BBC asked if I'd like to go to Argentina to do a report.

I said, "Look, that's going to be really difficult for me,

"I've got a young family, I've got commitments.

"If you value me at all as a presenter, as a human being,

"as a friend, please don't make me go."

So, here's my report from Argentina.

I'm here on a deserted Total Wipeout course.

Well, I say deserted - there are 20 Bulgarian contestants over there

waiting for me to finish this link.

Bogdan, quiet!

This is where Total Wipeout contestants do their shout-out,

here's mine -

Help!

Here are my do's and don'ts for a successful shout-out.

I'm super Jeff, and I'm here today... Oh.

Don't dance if you can't dance.

# I got the funk I got the funk, yeah. #

Do at least try to be intelligible.

Way-hey!

I'm the oldest swinger in town!

Come watch me fly round this course!

Don't try poetry. Don't forget - a Wipeout rhyme is an outright crime.

I don't know but I've been told, Becca's gonna win the gold!

Do remember, your kids will be watching.

Look what Mummy's doing!

Don't, and I really mean don't, over-promise.

I am the best there is, the best there was

and the best there ever will be.

Well, those are my do's and don'ts, now it's time for me to have a go at the Qualifier.

Geronimo!

And...cut.

So, back to the Qualifier.

With seven runs to go, let's see if the remaining contestants

have heeded that advice.

My name is Bee, I will not fail,

like my name I've got a sting in my tail!

Oh, for crying out loud.

46-year-old painter-decorator Bee obviously didn't hear a word of what I've just been talking about.

Bee is from a village called Sheepwash.

Yeah, that really is a place.

Although she can't actually sting like a bee,

she can run seven miles and fit 20 marshmallows in her mouth. Useful(!)

Never mind marshmallows,

I think she tried to fit an entire big red ball in her mouth, there.

28-year-old Alex is a systems analyst.

He's analysed our big red balls and come up with a system.

Ah, yes. Alex said he was going to jump off the first big red ball

and catapult himself to the second.

And so on and so forth.

Well, he's cleared the first ball and landed on the second.

And now the third...

Come on, Alex!

And onto the fourth, this is amazing!

His system works! That is genius.

That is genius.

And that's madness.

They do say there's a thin line between the two. Genius/madness...

And our King Of The Balls Alex is going for it anyway without a rope!

How was he going to swing?

To be fair, I've seen people do a lot worse with the rope.

Our hero Alex finishes in a fantastic 2 minutes 13.

Systems analyse that!

Yeah!

And that.

Whoo!

Yeah, that too.

And Postman Paul has just pipped King Of The Balls Alex by 1 second

with Bull-boy Benny in third.

PC Sean slips down into fifth,

Surfer Gem looking precarious in ninth,

And, just hanging in there by the skin of her goggles,

it's Burpee Becca.

I used to think I was a werewolf. I'm all right now-oooooo!

So, 18-year-old Sammy from Lanark used to think she was a werewolf.

Ha-ha-ha.

I'll call her Barking Sammy, I think.

-Oh dear!

-That's got to hurt.

I guess so, yeah.

Come on, Sammy!

Dignity...

# There's a bad moon on the rise... #

She's, oh! Ha-ha-ha!

Come on, Sammy, what's needed here is a sense of urgency.

I'm sure it's fun, but... That's more like it!

Barking Sammy's just realised

that the next obstacle is the Sucker Punch.

Here we go.

Come on, Sammy.

Oh, that really was a howler.

Come on, Sammy.

Don't worry, Sammy, that's not the next obstacle, it's just a rope.

Maybe you should be afraid of what's coming next though... Yes!

-It's the...

-DEEP VOICE:

-Big balls.

Who is that?! Keeps doing that...

Oh, my goodness!

Yeah, a horror of a different kind, there.

Sammy, that back technique - yeah, that one - that's not working.

You need to, you know, go fast.

You're still not actually moving anywhere.

So, to the Leap of Faith.

# I see a bad moon rising... #

Oh, good technique so far, this is looking good...

# I see trouble on the way... #

Perfect!

Apart from one tiny error.

You went the wrong way on those stairs.

Can anyone smell burning?

Barking Sammy finishes in 4 minutes and 7 seconds.

Will that be good enough to get into the top 12?

As you know by now, Total Wipeout competitors are carefully selected

from the cream of British sporting talent -

the county's athletic elite, with model physiques and unbreakable spirits.

I'm joking, of course. Sometimes it's hard to tell the contestants and the big red balls apart.

But now and again we do get people on the show who actually are quite sporty and fit.

Like the next three.

First, it's John, who's broken three world records for rowing. Indoors.

I'm going to play this course like a drum kit from hell. Whoo!

I don't understand that.

And he might have just broken something else as well.

Then there's ex-semi-professional footballer Chris.

Who did that?

This is how it's supposed to be done. Let's get it on.

# Like a bat outta Hell I'll be gone when the morn... #

And that's a semi-successful start.

And our sporting trio is completed by 51-year-old Mark.

An athlete in iron man competitions.

I am an iron man. Here I come.

# Like a bat outta Hell I'll be gone when the morn... #

That's better!

Go on, Iron-man Mark.

# When the night is over Like a bat outta Hell... #

Go, go, go!

Oh, get out, get out! Iron rusts.

Let's catch up with Semi-pro Chris.

Wow, some fancy footwork from the former semi-pro footballer.

Now to record-breaking Rowing John.

Oh, look at that.

He made that look so easy.

Yes!

Iron-man Mark, now.

You see? Looks like those joints are seizing up. Warned you.

Let's see if Semi-pro Chris can keepy-uppy with these big balls.

Oh... Oh... Yes...

Oh.

This looks so good!

He really looks as though he's going to do it

like no-one's ever crossed bef... And then it all goes wrong.

Had that worked it would've been...

Let's not think of what it would have been.

Surely our Sucker Punch gloves can't damage pure iron?

Yes. yes, they can.

Rowing John on the balls now.

Ooh... Ooh, he's onto the second!

Oh, my God!

Is he going to do it?

-The third.

-Jonathon is a genius.

Oh, come on, come on, John! Come on! No! Another near miss.

So close.

I really thought... And then...

OK, time for a battle. Rubber versus iron.

Rubber wins.

Semi-pro Chris takes aim.

And sails over the top.

Now for our record breaker.

More like a leg breaker.

Come on, Iron-man Mark, this is your chance to make up time.

You could win this. You really could.

If you can undo the rope.

The final whistle blows on Chris,

and his amazing time of 1:37 is the fastest today.

Wow.

Rowing John finishes just 10 seconds behind him,

and Iron-man Mark...

Well, he managed to untie the rope...

I'm trying to look for the positives here.

Yeah, they're a bit thin on the ground, but...

And I had such high hopes for Iron-man Mark Elliot.

I can't help feeling he's tainted the Elliot family name a bit with that performance.

If only there was another Elliot family member competing today,

a younger, fitter Elliot, who could put the pride back into his family name.

So, let's see who our next competitor is.

Oh look, it's Mark's son, Jonny Elliot.

Ha-ha, it's almost as if that was planned.

So, here he is - son of Iron-man. It's Iron-boy Jonny.

Whoa! That was amazing!

Oh, now this looks promising.

Oh. Like father, like son.

Come on now. If John is going to avenge his father's defeat,

he'll need to be quicker than Chris's 1 minute 37.

Come on, John. You can do this. The Sucker Punch next.

He looks like a Malteser.

That'll help.

Right. The balls. Come on.

Let's see what happens when Iron-boy meets rubber.

You have to get there. It's up the ramp and... There.

Wow.

So that was a somersault,

two twists and about three weeks till the bruising goes down,

I reckon.

So, while Iron-boy Jonny hasn't been as quick as Semi-pro Chris,

he's still in with a chance of beating Rowing John.

Oh! No, not any more.

Still, he's beaten his dad by 8 seconds.

At long last, the Iron-boy becomes an Iron-man.

Let's take a final look at the leader board.

And Semi-pro Chris is in top spot,

with Rowing John and Postman Paul in second and third.

Alex and newly-crowned Iron-man Jonny in joint fourth.

Kat is top girl in eighth...

..and Rob The Tiger just makes it through in twelfth place.

So, there we are. 20 competitors, four big balls,

two members of the same family and one ex-werewolf.

And nobody's ever said that before, ever.

Sadly, though, it is time to say goodbye to eight of them.

Try not to get emotional.

Watch and learn, boys, you're going to crash and burn.

I'm all right now-ooooo!

I'll try not to fall over and smack my head.

Becca's going to win the gold!

Left hook, right hook, nobody's going to knock me out!

Like my name, I've got a sting in my tail!

Ha-ya! Hee-hee, whoo!

Aaargh!

It's time for the Sweeper.

Armed with 10,000 pesos and a list of instructions,

Eduardo was sent out to create the ultimate obstacle,

the Decapitator.

But he forgot all that, and instead he brought back 12 empty coconut sacks.

Don't know what he did with the coconuts.

You know how this works by now.

Our contestants jump over the big red thing

until at least six other people have fallen off,

then they're through to the next round.

To spice things up a bit, they'll stand in a sack.

With a tarantula in it.

I'm joking - we wouldn't dream of hurting any spiders.

Contestants, on the other hand...

On podiums one and two,

it's Iron-boy Jonny

and Umph-y Kim.

We're out-numbered, so I'm doing it for the girls.

On three and four

Rowing John

and King Of The Balls Alex.

You watched me beat those big red balls, now watch me...

-Can we do that one again?

-I got the gist.

On podiums five, six and seven,

it's Semi-pro Chris,

Iron-man Mark,

and Spencer.

Watch me fly, this ginger's going to go nuts!

Howling-mad Spencer going right off the crazy scale there.

On podiums eight, nine and ten

are Rob The Tiger - with the balance of a mountain leopard -

PC Sean...

This cop is not going to drop.

And Kat.

Boys, you'd better watch out, cos I'm going to sack it to ya!

Clever! Sack, that's what they're in... Yeah.

On 11 it's Postman Paul.

This postie's sack's got special delivery.

-Straight through to the next round.

-I thought we'd stopped doing that?

And finally, on podium 12,

it's Bull-boy Benny.

I'm going to sweep this up for the Irish.

What? What did he say? Did anyone get that? Anyone?

Ah, it's a glorious day, the sun is shining,

it's time for a refreshing dip.

Not me, silly, that lot.

It's the Sweeper.

Are you all ready?

-Yeah!

-There's no time like the present.

Three... Two... One!

I am not ready!

Someone's not ready.

Whoo!

Aaaargh!

Oh! Guess it was Umph-y Kim, sounded more like a man, though.

Ah, there, it was Howling-mad Spencer.

Umph-y Kim manages to fall off her flat, stationary platform...

Managed to jump it, I just didn't manage to stay balanced.

Bit sad to be out, but I'm really pleased I got a chance to get up there have a go at it.

Yeah. A very quick go at it, but a go.

Howling-mad Spencer, meanwhile, displays some of the finest windmilling I've seen this series.

It is terrifying. They're so high up and it comes at you so fast.

And it's about to get even higher and faster

for the remaining ten competitors.

Make that nine competitors.

Iron-boy Jonny's gone, sorry eight.

The Sweeper is mowing them down today.

Iron-boy Jonny gets a little over-zealous,

and almost clears the Sweeper and his podium.

I just completely messed it up. Just completely jumped forward and missed the podium, so...

Couldn't help it. Ah, well.

And look at this, King Of The Balls Alex is out of the game.

Just fell in. Caught me. I'm not too good at jumping, I got short legs, so it's hard for me.

Eight left standing but only six can go through.

Next two to fall are out. And that bar is getting higher and faster.

So, those left standing are Rowing John,

Semi-pro Chris,

Iron-man Mark,

Rob The Tiger,

PC Sean... Man down!

And another!

The Sweeper thinks nothing of assaulting a police officer

and takes Sean's legs clean out from under him.

So close! So close. That's so hard. It's unbelievable.

And look - Kat's our last female competitor, she's gone too.

Lovely dismount, though.

It's just this red blur coming towards you,

and if someone in front of you drops, you're a bit like, "Oh, no!"

Absolutely gutted, beyond words.

I'm not surprised she's gutted, she's just missed out on a place in the next round.

So we have our six, and they're now just playing for pride.

Oh, Bull-boy Benny's down, and he's now just holding on like a bull on a foam podium.

The Iron-man's on all fours.

Rob The Tiger's gone. I thought cats hated water?

Oh, and Benny's down again. He has to get to his feet before the sweeper comes round again.

Stripped him of his sack.

Bull-boy Benny's got nothing left to give the Sweeper.

But he's already through to the next round. It's down to four.

Do not entertain.

Him,

Rowing John, Semi-pro Chris

and Iron-man Mark. Who will be last man standing?

The Sweeper is moving really quite fast.

Very fast.

Oh, iron's no match for padded foam, and Mark goes out in fourth place.

Ouch.

So we're down to just three.

Oh, Rowing John takes third. He'll be pleased to know he's broken another record,

highest red foam bar jumped by a man called John standing in a sack in Buenos Aires.

I'm not sure if that's official yet, but it's his when it is.

So, it's between Postman Paul and Semi-pro Chris.

Oh! And Postman Paul just gets caught by the Sweeper, which means Semi-pro Chris takes the top spot.

So Postman Paul gets caught out at the end,

but there's no shame in taking second place on the Sweeper.

Just a really strong feeling of frustration.

And Semi-pro Chris is today's last man standing.

Come on!

That's what I'm talking about!

Come on!

Yeah, the Sweeper hates a bragger.

Two rounds down, two to go.

Just six competitors remain.

And the next round will halve that.

To three. In case you struggle with maths, there.

Now, normally if you're going on a running machine, you might wear a pair of shorts,

maybe even leg-warmers and sweatpants.

I wouldn't, you might.

However, on our Total Wipeout running machines,

for some reason the competitors all opt to wear knee-pads, shoulder protectors and a crash helmet.

Why would that be?

See if you can spot a clue in this.

This is the third outing for the Dreadmill.

This week it comes with a new twist - the Door Jam.

The contestants run for their lives on two industrial size treadmills

through a series of doors. The further they get, the faster it goes.

They must avoid being knocked over or falling into the Pool Of Despair.

Whoever makes it furthest in each heat bags a place in the Wipeout Zone.

Got that? Simple stuff. Here's a reminder of who the Dreadees are.

This is how it's supposed to be done.

He was the fastest qualifier and last man standing.

That's what I'm talking about!

It's Semi-pro Chris.

Next up, it's Rowing John.

I'm going to play this course like a drum kit from hell!

He's got the largest guns in Cardiff.

He ain't no pussycat...

It's Rob The Tiger.

Our fourth dreadee is a nightmare in the kitchen.

It's Iron-man Mark.

-My name's Paul...

-He's got more cliches than a Carry On film...

-And I always deliver the goods.

-It's Postman Paul.

Come on!

-And last of all...

-I want to sweep this up for the Irish!

He needs a bull for his farm - it's Bull-boy Benny.

So to decide who's up against who,

Eduardo's drawn the names from his hat

in the presence of an independent adjudicator.

His brother. Who's also called Eduardo.

So, let's see which lucky contestants have been drawn to go first.

Heat one - Semi-pro Chris versus Rowing John.

Always a big contender, but I think I'm up to it, and to be the best you've got to beat the best.

Chris has gotta be the favourite - fastest qualifier, last man standing,

if that's not favourite, I don't know what is.

It's the Dreadmill. Are you ready, Chris and Jonathon?

Saving their breath, they're going to need it. Three, two, one...

So, this is it, our first look at the Door Jam.

When the klaxon sounds, these guys can start racing through those doors.

-KLAXON

-There it is.

Semi-pro Chris has stumbled already.

He's down but hanging on to the door!

Oh!

He's taking it with him... He's gone. What a dramatic start to the Dreadmill.

Semi-pro Chris is fully wet.

And out of Total Wipeout.

But Rowing John doesn't know that, he's just focused on the doors ahead of him.

Poor Chris. But he knows he can't hold on to these obstacles.

And Rowing John has reached the end. Look! He's just realised he'd won.

Incredible stuff. So let's have another look at this.

Chris falters at the very start.

Then, hanging onto the obstacle, demolishes it.

Which, of course, means John's won,

and it looks like he's been on the wine gums again.

Yes!

You were the man to beat. What went wrong?!

What can I say, I tried my best.

Better man won. Hold my hands up to him, you know.

So, to the second heat.

It's Iron-man Mark versus Rob The Tiger.

I've drawn Rob, and I'm really pleased to have drawn Rob because an iron-man's going to win any day.

If Mark's the iron-man, then I think I'm the pub man.

Which is a nice even match.

OK. Iron versus pub. Which will prevail and make it through to the Wipeout Zone?

KLAXON

Here we go. Lifting the doors and...

Oh! Iron-man Mark's down already. Oh, I think he's done himself an injury.

But Rob doesn't know that yet, he's just focusing on the doors ahead of him.

Poor Iron-man Mark. Disappointed with that.

The loss, I mean.

Rob's slipped! But it won't matter cos he's already won.

Yeah, turns out this obstacle's quite dangerous.

-If you look very closely there, you can just see Rob celebrating. Just a bit.

-Reckon he's happy.

The Dreadmill really living up to its name.

Dreading and...milling.

Two heats, two dramatic exits.

To avoid any more, Amanda's had words with the last two competitors.

Unfortunately, those words included, "Please fall over," and "I find it funny."

So who will fill the last vacancy in today's Wipeout Zone?

Final heat. Postman Paul versus Bull-boy Benny.

Very happy I pulled Benny, cos I feel I can swipe it from him.

It'll be tough, I'd say. He seems to be a fit enough kind of a bloke.

Postman, you know - he's used to being on his feet.

Oh, dear.

It's the postman versus the farmer. Three, two, one...

Well, fingers crossed that no-one hurts themselves this time...

and that it lasts longer than five seconds.

Good luck.

KLAXON

The difficult stuff starts now.

Both sprinting to charge through door one, almost matching each other stride for stride now.

Postman Paul knocking at door two...

No dogs, carry on.

Who will make it through door three first?

Paul is slowing, but Bull-boy Benny is charging through...

And Benny's won! He's through to the Wipeout Zone.

While Postman Paul is just wet through.

-Wicked!

-Whoo-hoo!

You were so close! What happened in the end?

I just went too fast and couldn't get in the rhythm.

Better man won.

You've given a first-class performance all day today.

Hard luck, go join the others.

So, well done to Bull-boy Benny, Rob The Tiger and Rowing John.

Partly for getting through to the Wipeout Zone final,

Mostly for managing not to destroy any of the obstacles. Thank you.

Before we head on into the Wipeout Zone, let's see how much this means to our three finalists.

It usually means quite a lot.

I am so surprised to be in the final of Total Wipeout.

I've shocked myself a lot. I didn't think I'd be here.

It's like I'm in dreamland. It's the only way I can describe it.

I really, really want to beat Jonathon.

I just really want to win and, for the first time in the competition, I actually think I can win.

I'll absolutely pull everything out the bag. I owe it to myself and I owe it to my family.

I would like to win more than anything tonight.

£10,000 is a lot of money for me.

I'd buy a new bull for the farm

and buy the girlfriend an engagement ring.

Jonathon really brings out the competitive streak in me.

He's had a gameplan from the start.

-He's studied the course in absolute detail.

-He done a degree in it.

Benny, he's hilarious. We can't always understand what he's saying, we sometimes need subtitles.

Once the whistle blows, as the sun sets, it'll be the realisation that you really have got to do this.

I'm really pumped up for this now. Jonathon should definitely watch his back,

because I'm going to beat him into the ground.

I'm going to do it tonight. Just watch me.

The Wipeout Zone is upon us.

It's the zenith, the peak, the pinnacle, the apex.

The pointy bit at the top where the visitors' centre might be.

It's a really important part of the show.

For three people tonight, it's a dream come true.

And a well-earned stab at that £10,000 prize.

But how will they complete this gargantuan test of skill?

Well, by following my handy guide to how to complete the Wipeout Zone.

Killer Surf - go down.

The Barrel Roll - jump over.

The Monkey Bars - don't fall off.

The Spinner - don't fall off.

The Brusher - don't fall off.

The Launch Pads - don't fall off.

And finally, press the button.

It's the Wipeout Zone, and Rob is the first contestant tonight.

We've seen glimpses of Rob The Tiger's inner tiger all day,

but now it's time the tiger roared.

This is for all the underdogs out there.

Maybe he meant undercats...

He's in. The clock is ticking as Rob The Tiger makes his way

to the Barrel Run.

Onto the beam. Bad news for Rob -

the price of oil has risen since the last series,

so those barrels are now filled with gravel.

Not really.

Oh no! Oh, ah!

He's getting into trouble, this is not helping his time at all!

Oh!

This is the first obstacle in the Wipeout Zone,

come on, Rob!

I think he's hit every single barrel. Or they've hit him.

Come on, Rob.

Still, Rob The Tiger makes it onto the Monkey Bars.

One big swing! And he drops.

Tigers are supposed to be great climbers,

Rob just lost his grip there.

He's going to have to make his way up the ladder and try again.

This has gotta hurt now.

Do you think they're supporting Rob tonight?

Well, he's up the ladder and straight onto the Spinner. He's on.

Now he's looking to make up for lost time.

He's got to jump off, he chooses not to do so first time around.

He's going to go for it on the second, is he? Yes. He's leapt.

Oh no! He's in. Rob The Tiger's luck has just run out.

He landed well, but was just travelling too fast.

Didn't stand a chance on that slippery pontoon.

With just the Brusher and Launch Pads to go,

this could still be a winning time from Rob The Tiger. So, come on!

Make a run for it... And he slips again!

Oh-oh-oh-oh! Rob!

How's he carrying on?

Exhaustion has got to be taking its toll, now, on Rob.

Up onto the final obstacle, the Launch Pads.

They're all that stand between Rob The Tiger and a warm hotel bed.

Or maybe a warm hospital bed. Either way.

The Launch Pads, then. Come on.

Oh no!

How must that feel now?

What will it take to carry on?

Whatever it is, he's got it.

Because he's doing it.

Facing the Launch Pads now for the second time.

Come on, Rob.

Yes, that's a better landing.

His second Launch Pad.

Come on... Oh no!

He's holding on, he's holding on.

One more leap now and he's done it. It'll be over for him.

He'll be glad.

He's made it. Rob The Tiger sets the time to beat.

The Wipeout Zone is tough,

and Rob The Tiger showed just what can go wrong on every obstacle.

But he carried on. Over to Amanda to give him his time.

If at first you don't succeed, well, just try, try again!

I don't know of many people who have fallen off every thing that you could fall off.

I can tell you now, you did fall off everything,

but based on that fact, you still did a pretty respectable time.

It was 4 minutes and 47 seconds. Yours is definitely the time to beat.

And up next, it's Benny.

So, it's time for Bull-boy Benny.

He has no idea how Rob The Tiger got on.

There's no turning back now.

KLAXON

If Benny's going to stand a chance of winning,

he'll need a different approach to his rival.

Like not falling off every obstacle.

Go on, fall off.

Lovely sportsmanship from Rob The Tiger, there(!)

But Benny's looking stronger on these barrels,

A few stumbles...

but he's carrying on.

Look at him stopping those barrels. A bull of a man.

Well, he's made it.

This is where I fell off.

Yeah, one of the places, Rob, one of the places.

You can say that about anywhere on the course.

Benny now not only facing torrents of water AND gravity,

but also bad vibes from Rob.

Soldiering on, though...

He's made it across.

And onto the Spinner, but it's getting off that's the hard part.

He's done it, he's off! He's making this look easy now.

Oh no! But the Brusher's got him.

One slip was all it took, Benny's off, Rob will have enjoyed that.

So it's back up the ladder to attempt the Launch Pads.

Come on, Benny.

First one.

Sideways landing, nice.

Second Launch Pad now.

Can he hang on?! Can he hang on?!

Yes, yes he's up.

One final leap, and Benny's finished.

-Yes, he's there!

-YES! Come on!

A very strong run from Bull-boy Benny,

with only one slip up on the Brusher.

A much better run than Rob's, and it's up to Amanda now to tell Rob what he must already know.

Benny, my farming boy, you little dark horse, you.

How was that for you?

Tough. Very tough. Slippy.

Rob, Benny was faster than you.

Hard luck, man.

Well done.

Oh, yes! Whoo-hoo!

Benny, you know what this means.

Only one person away from 10,000!

Jonathon is up next.

So. It rests with Rowing John.

He's broken records, now he's out to break Benny's heart.

Rowing John's going to have to be super slick

if he's going to beat Benny.

Certainly slicker than that.

Come on.

Benny...

Never a good thing when the barrels are there before you.

Ooh, but John's picking up the pace now.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

He stormed up that ramp.

And looking very confident across the Monkey Bars,

despite all that water.

This is great stuff from John.

The Spinner. Straight on...

but it's leaving where you lose.

Straight off, and an amazing landing. On his feet!

Onto the Brusher.

Oh! He's been brushed in!

At exactly the same point as Benny went in.

This is going to be a close-run contest between these two.

This is getting very tight indeed.

John can't afford to make another mistake.

He's made it up the ladder, just the Launch Pads to go.

If he finishes these clear, he could win. He's onto the first one.

Everything hanging on his next move, now.

If he makes it onto this... Oh, no!

No, he's back on.

If he makes this final leap, he will win. If he goes in, he will not.

He's made it!

He's made it. An amazing time, sub 2 minutes, 1:57.

What a run from John.

Some incredible moments mixed in with a couple of mistakes. It's over to Amanda to announce the winner.

You've both been extremely brilliant all day.

You have been a world record-breaker, Jonathon,

and I can tell you tonight,

you have another title under your belt, because you have won the title of Total Wipeout Champion!

Oh, my goodness me!

So, congratulations to Jonathon Goodall from Cardiff,

who's this week's Total Wipeout champion.

Together with Rob The Tiger and Bull-boy Benny, he'll be going forward to our series final,

which is shaping up to be the greatest...

..most gravity-defying quest of all time.

Where the champion of champions will be crowned.

So, from Amanda and me, goodbye.

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