Episode 5 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Birthplace of Diego Maradona, and lots of other people too, probably.

Wasn't Gloria Estefan from there?

Anyway, it is home to the most terrifying assault course on earth.

And 20 valiant Brits, including a train driver, a housewife and a quantity surveyor,

are about to tackle the hardest obstacle course in the history of ever,

for the honour, the glory, and the ten grand prize money.

20 start, but only one can win. Let the games commence.

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

When it comes to assault course based entertainment shows, which I present, which are on TV right now,

this is my favourite.

Ish.

20 courageous competitors are about to be bumped, bruised and pushed -

and that's just to get them out of the hotel rooms.

By the end of today, one will win £10,000,

so let's see what the course has in store for them.

The Qualifier, or as I call it, Round One.

The Sweeper, or, Round Two.

The Dreadmill, that's Round Three.

Then finally, the Wipeout Zone. Those who fear it refer to it as...Round Four.

So, let's get this party started.

I'll be the party host, our Total Wipeout course will provide the party games...

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, first party guest is here.

Oh, it's just Amanda Byram.

Who told her about my party?

I'm joined by James at the top of the course, who is a chartered surveyor.

Now, James, are you sure you're cut out for this course today?

Yes, I'm hoping that my personality will bring me through this course.

This is for all the grey-suited quantity surveyors out there.

I'm long and lean and an energy machine!

Party boy James is on a mission to show us that quantity surveyors

play as hard as they work.

To the rolling logs, then. Making a welcome return to The Qualifier.

Oh, he runs like a girl.

That's unfair! To girls.

But this is impressive.

Quantity surveyors not only work hard and play hard, they also splash hard.

Yeah, that's what he's proved there.

James is about to survey a large quantity

of pneumatic boxing gloves on the sucker punch.

He's surveying that. He did it on purpose.

Taken out by an invisible punch! That's how crazy party-boy James is.

James now approaching the big balls.

He's presumably surveying the quantity of them as I speak.

One...two...three, yeah, four big balls.

Here we go.

Yes! Oh ho!

That must be the first time a quantity surveyor has ever made anybody laugh.

Mission accomplished, James. You've done it.

Ow!

The bubble bath makes its first appearance of this series, now.

There's a foam party going on in that doughnut hole -

can party-boy James swing into it?

Land on the doughnut, land on the... No.

No, James lets himself go a little too early, and misses the party.

Oh dear.

Aargh!

Because he missed the bubble bath,

James has to swim to the pontoon, where the clock now stops.

I cannot describe to you how breath-taking that was.

I can't describe how much I need the loo, though I'm gonna press on.

Anyway, party-boy James finishes in a strong time of two minutes, 38 seconds.

Not bad - for a suit.

Now, an exclusive for you.

There have been hundreds of rumours and sightings for 30 years...

Yeah!

..but I can now officially confirm - Elvis ain't dead.

Not this one, anyway.

This is Elvis, a 34-year-old security officer from Bristol.

So, Elvis, are you gonna shake up this course today?

Yeah, I'm gonna shake it! Wanna show my power off to everyone.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh-huh.

Well, I'll tell you what we need from you, Elvis,

is a little less conversation and a little more action, please. OK?

Umm...

I got it, Amanda. The King sets off.

You're supposed to go over it, Elvis, not under.

Now he's up on to the logs.

Oooh!

Trademark pelvis action from Elvis there!

Oh, come on, logs, don't be cruel!

There's some rock n' roll things I could be saying there, but I can't be bothered.

That's how Elvis swims? What was that?

Let's see if the sucker punch is an Elvis fan.

No.

More of a Muddy Waters fan. Yeah.

The King Vs The Balls.

What a moment!

Yep, fools definitely do rush in.

Elvis!

You climb the ladder, not the scaffolding!

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis's brain has left the building.

Tell him what he's doing wrong, Amanda.

Take off the Velcro!

-What?

-Take off the Velcro!

Nice one, Elvis. Here we go.

Can I go now?

-Yeah.

-Yes, please. That'd be good.

The King swings!

Yeah, and he's in!

Elvis has left the course!

Couldn't find his way out of the doughnuts.

Six minutes 12 seconds, that's a king-sized time.

Elvis did seem to have trouble with the logs and...everything, really.

But let's start with the logs and see how some of today's less rock'n'roll competitors fared.

# I'm all shook up...#

This is for all the older, the slightly larger people - bring it on!

This is the euphemistic 37-year-old single dad Kieran.

He's from Belfast, and his hobbies include hill walking, and...

and, uh, log falling.

Ooof!

31-year-old Rachel runs her own cleaning company and comes from the Lake District.

Oh! And obviously misses the water.

And then there's 20-year-old physics student, Casey,

who's come up with a brave theory on how to cross the logs.

OK? No, back to the lab for brainy Casey.

What an action that was.

Can anyone show those logs how it's done?

Meet 27-year-old Alex from Ditchley.

He's a landscaper! That's a gardener to you and me.

-Are you determined that you'll win, Alex?

-Oh yes. Whatever happens, I'll keep going till the end.

I'll be rooting for you.

That actually hurt.

Alex of course more used to planting trees than rolling on logs,

but he's not letting that stop him!

Wow! That is how you do it!

Big balls now, come on!

Oh, oh, oh!

Still ends up in the Total Wipeout water feature.

-HE BURPS

-Pardon him.

-HE BURPS

-Oh dear.

It happens.

That landing would have knocked the wind out of him.

Hopefully.

Come on!

PTHRRRT

That was pretty fast!

Oh, I thought that was naff!

Also I got bad wind.

Really? Oh, stand away then!

Yeah, stand away, Amanda.

It is time for a leader board.

Party-boy James leads the fun,

but gassy Alex is within burping distance in second.

Rachel and Kieran sneak in front of brainy Casey,

leaving poor old Elvis back in last place.

Remember, only 12 qualify for the Sweeper,

so the King could be facing an imminent return to the,

oh I'll say it, Heartbreak Hotel.

# I'm all shook up...#

Now, to take part in Total Wipeout, you certainly need self-belief.

You better witness the fitness!

But some have a teensy bit more than others.

Our next three challengers certainly have plenty.

Chris, Marie and 51-year-old Dave from Swadlincote.

What exactly are you gonna achieve on this course out here today?

Have fun, make people laugh and above all, I'm gonna win. Come on!

How do you rate your chances today?

I'm up there. Up there. I'm in the final already, I can see it.

Dave! Do you have what it takes to beat this course today?

Of course, I will take it apart.

I've got no problems at all with this. And when I win, you'll see me do the splits.

-Just in case you don't win, can I see something now?

-No problem at all.

OLD STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

-Little bit of that out there.

-No problem at all. No problem.

We catch up with the competitive threesome at the sucker punch.

No-problem-at-all Dave has a little problem.

Not with the boxing gloves, just his balance.

Yeah, what he did there was... fall off.

That's what happened.

I lost me trainer!

Train driver Marie is making this look easy.

No, I don't mean easy, do I? I mean really difficult.

Yeah, now she's making getting her toe out of the mud

look very difficult as well. Oh dear.

So, 39-year-old Chris from Dunstable said he wanted to make people laugh.

I suspect that may happen shortly.

Raised a snigger, maybe.

Tries to say "How do you do?" to it. No need to be polite, Chris, it just tried to punch you in the face.

This course ain't gonna beat me!

No, it's not.

But the rubbish punch did beat you though, Chris, didn't it?

If 51-year-old Dave wins,

he said he'll spend his winnings on a hair transplant.

Remind me again how you rate your chances, Dave.

No problem at all. No problem.

OK.

I think the problem was the missing shoe. You slipped, Dave. Keep the hat.

Bring on the balls!

Back to train driver Marie.

Expect further delays due to four giant red balls on the line.

Well, in a line.

Are any of this competitive bunch gonna make it past the first ball?

Chris. It's down to you.

Oh. All mouth, no trousers.

So, competitive Chris comes home in a time of three minutes, 44 seconds.

-Yeah!

-Yes.

And no-problem-at-all Dave has no problem at all, and beats Chris's time by three seconds.

And despite missing her final destination,

train driver Marie beats both the boys to back up her pre-course fighting talk.

Oh, I'm wiped out!

From the over-confident, to the downright scared. Bless him.

He can barely look at the course.

Meet 18-year-old Antony, who's training to be a flight attendant.

Can I just ask what I'm doing?

-I said training to be a flight attendant.

-OK, cool.

Just thought I'd check.

All right.

Antony, prepare for some turbulence.

OK, he's up and away.

Quick dash...

On to the rolling logs.

Quick splash.

Oh dear, nervous Antony doesn't seem heavy enough to move the logs!

Flying low on the sucker punch, look at that.

Pull up! Pull up! Oh...

I fear he's going to snap in half.

We can tape him back together and send him out to play again.

I'm gonna attack the course straight down the middle.

Exits to the side. And I'm gonna jump, jump, jump to success.

Brilliant!

Oh, look at that! Loop the loop, that's advanced.

Antony jumps, jumps, jumps his way straight into the water.

It's elegant, though.

Come on then, let's see a good finish.

Oh, wow! Missed.

He's airborne!

Now he's water-borne.

A highly entertaining run from nervous Antony,

and a time of two minutes 49 seconds puts him in first class.

This year, the BBC asked me if I'd fly out to Argentina to present some bits from there.

I said "No way," then they asked me if I'd like a glass of milk,

and of course, I said "Yes."

It tasted a bit funny, and next thing I know, I'm in Argentina.

Oh yeah, just taught the sucker punch one hell of a lesson.

Sorry, old friend, but you had to learn.

So, an Argentinean wind blows softly off the wide savannah,

whispering gentle Spanish words across the water,

caressing the grass and kissing the very sky itself.

But enough of that, I'm sitting next to a wall made of MDF that punches people!

Why am I here?

Your guess is very much as good as mine.

But while I am here, these are my do's and don'ts for success on the sucker punch.

Don't run too quickly. You'll get punched.

Do invest in a powerful biological washing powder with unique stain-removing properties.

You'll need it.

Don't underestimate the invisible punch.

Do train for six years and become a professional boxer.

I'm just gonna duck, weave, punch, and I'm just gonna destroy it.

Don't plan on having any more kids.

So, those are my do's and don'ts for success on the sucker punch.

Oh, bit of muck there.

Yup, all clean again now.

What makes Britain great?

Well, I'll tell you.

We are a determined nation.

A country with a heart.

If we fail, we keep on trying until we succeed.

Here's the proof.

Remember Emma from series one?

Last time round, Emma didn't make it past the rolling logs.

She holds the record for the shortest time spent on them.

-Aargh!

-Yup, that was it.

But instead of sitting around moping,

Emma's decided to come back and conquer that obstacle that once defeated her.

Because she's British, and that's what we do.

So, what have you been doing to prepare?

To make sure that you defeat the course this time round, Emma?

I've been training extra hard, I've been out jogging and doing kickboxing and just other different sports.

Rolling logs, you better watch out because she's coming for you!

Total Wipeout won the first time, but I'm gonna cause the knockout blow!

I believe you!

Emma is the first contestant ever to get two go's at the qualifier,

let's see if practice makes perfect.

Looking nervous as she approaches her nemesis.

She's had eight months to think about this, I think she can do it.

Oh, she's opted for the rarely seen backwards technique.

She's already stayed on longer than she did in the first series.

Balance is key here.

Oh. Anyone else just get deja vu?

Emma again, she's swallowed her pride and a fair amount of the pool

to come back for a third bite of the cherry.

Backwards again.

No, forwards. Go on, Emma.

Just go for it, go for it!

She's broken another record!

First person not even making the first log.

This girl is a record-breaking machine.

Honestly can't see a thing!

And onwards. Emma again in uncharted territory now,

as she approaches the sucker punch.

Thanks for that lifejacket.

Nearly there!

And remember, this woman never gives up.

Let's rejoin her later. Amanda will look after her.

Now, here are two ladies who want to prove they're more than a match for this course.

And that lemon is the colour for 2009.

Mum of two Mel from Surrey, and housewife Margo from Linlithgow.

Have you ever taken on anything as physical as this before?

Not quite like this, but I have to say I'm very proud of the fact that

a swimming record I set at school when I was 16 still stands today.

I swam one length, 33 and one third yards, in 16.8 seconds.

Absolutely beautiful, Mel.

Thank you.

So, Margo, do you feel the need for speed?

Yeah, lots of speed, that's why I've got nine points on my licence.

Oh, nine, eh, Margo? Just three more and you get a free toaster.

She's on to the rolling logs. And looking pretty good.

Oh yes! Oh no, no.

Mel now. Is anyone else struggling to tell them apart?

Just me.

Mel again. No, it's Margo! On to the sucker punch.

And, oh!

Margo now...no, Mel's turn now, on the sucker punch.

And doing very well. She's cleared it, she's nearly cleared it.

This is what you want, girls, you want to see Mummy!

I found that strangely moving.

Oh, so did she.

Mummy Mel did very well then.

Can Margo match Mel?

Other than clothing wise, obviously.

She's already done that.

Margo now on the big balls.

Here we go!

And that's three more points on Margo's licence. Bye-bye.

Oh!

Is it possible that she just broke in two?

Well, she might be broken, but two minutes 14

is a very fast time from Mummy Mel.

Ow!

No-licence Margo comes in two whole seconds behind, but she wins a gold star for that finish.

A gold star and mild concussion.

Back down the course now, to the epitome of the British fighting spirit.

It's Emma again.

Come on, Emma. This is the easy bit! The hard bit's over.

That's just bare-faced lies from Amanda. She's on! She's off again.

Quite quickly. Oh, Emma!

But this woman is like a Terminator.

She absolutely will not give up.

Ever.

Come on, Emma, again!

Yes! You can do it this time!

Oh! Come on!

Come on, Emma!

Finish it!

Yes, finish it.

Finish it.

-I will finish! I said I came here to finish, I will finish.

-Yes.

I think she will.

The moral of this story this is, time for the happy ending...

But Emma finishes in a staggering 15 minutes and 32 seconds.

That's her third Total Wipeout record. Amazing!

Two goes and to not finish it would be just unforgivable.

I finished my dream.

Completed it.

It feels so good.

So, Mummy Mel and no-license Margo race into the top two spots.

Antony flies into fourth while train driver Marie chugs into sixth.

Competitive Chris will be annoyed

that he's been beaten by no-problem-at-all Dave,

and six other people.

And where Elvis was in last place,

he's been replaced by triple record holder Emma again.

We've given her a whole page,

as she now holds the record for the longest time spent on the course,

as well as the shortest.

Next to tackle the qualifier is model/actor/all round sales assistant, Dan from Devon.

This course may be mission impossible, but show me the money!

What?

So, Dan, anything that I would recognise you from?

I've done a few commercials for banks, but also, I am a look-alike.

Oh, for who?

A famous celebrity.

Yeah...yeah, no.

Tom Cruise.

Are you really?

Maybe if I squint.

Are you a Tom Cruise look-alikey?

Yes.

-Do something Cruisey for me then.

-Cruisey, let's see what we've got.

Oh yeah. who can forget the classic splits jump scene from Top Gun?

Show me the money!

OK.

Beat the other 19 contestants and maybe I will.

So Dan Cruise is off and wet.

Up on to the pontoons, quickly on to the logs.

Here we go.

Wow!

Dangerous and ineffective, but great for us.

# Take my breath away...#

The log is happy to oblige in the taking the breath away department.

On to the sucker punch in a flash.

Think of the money.

-Show me the money!

-Yeah, think of the money.

I'll show you the mud. That any good?

At last, the sucker punch actually connects with someone's face.

Don't ruin Dan's, though, it is his livelihood.

-Here we go.

-On to the balls.

Off the balls.

Quite quickly.

It's like jumping on Oprah Winfrey's couch.

Yeah.

Less Maverick there, more a bit of a Goose.

That's how Tom Cruise would do it.

Just the bubble bath to go, and he's in good time.

Oh, mayday, mayday!

Dan Cruise finishes in an impressive two minutes 57.

Looks like the next round is mission possible.

SHE SINGS THE MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME

She does that when she's happy.

He did come a bit unstuck on the soapy bubble bath, though.

And Dan Cruise wasn't the only one.

There was gassy Alex.

And of course, nervous Antony.

And who could forget party-boy James?

25-year-old Jo from Essex is determined to be the first female winner.

I've had enough of the boys winning, it's gonna be me that wins! Woo!

Unfortunately you're three shows too late, Jo,

and you missed the bubble bath.

This is account executive Megan, from Kent.

I used to be a cheerleader.

For my university, the Birmingham Pussycats.

-What?

-The Birmingham Pussycats.

Total! W-I-P-E-O-U-T! Wipeout!

Good luck!

Oh! And Megan's landed right on her pom-pom.

Now that's a move I bet she's never used before.

20-year-old Tracey from Cardiff can do some good flippy stuff.

So surely she can do the bubble bath.

Here we go.

Yes, she can!

Flippy Tracey glides into the bubble bath,

for a well deserved, if slightly wet sit down.

If anyone on tonight's programme is going to have big balls skills,

it's got to be football-crazy Camilla from Cambridge.

Or crazy football coach, Paul.

So, Paul, what is it that you do?

I am a football coach.

-Oh, no.

-Get off my mic.

That's a yellow card, Paul. We don't touch her microphone.

You wouldn't like her when she's angry.

I'm gonna score a goal, I'm gonna get a hat trick!

Get in there!

Red card, Einstein. Score one goal and get a hat trick? A hat trick's three goals.

He teaches football.

Einstein is off.

Out of the water an on to the rolling logs.

Oh, he's slipped! But he's holding on.

Not sure he's got the hang of the "Against the clock" thing, though.

Let's leave him paddling around and see if Camilla's kicked off yet.

Well, my main sport is football and I play for Queen's Park Rangers Ladies and we've just got promoted

so come on the Super Hoops!

Go, girlfriend!

-Go, girlfriends, let's go, man.

-Come on!

-Come on! Super Hoops!

This must be a girl thing, I don't understand.

Let's see how Super Hoops does on the big balls.

She is carrying a little extra weight there in Argentinean sludge.

Doesn't help with grip.

Here we go.

One, two, two again and off.

As Big Balls dismounts go, that was actually quite controlled.

I think we could be seeing more of Super Hoops.

Come on, let's go, Super Hoops!

Just the bubble bath to go.

Oh, and she almost jumps over it! And at two minutes 45,

we'll definitely be seeing Super Hoops in the next round.

Assuming Eduardo can find her in all those bubbles.

Meanwhile, Einstein's looking weary.

Can he equalise?

No, that was poor ball control.

Oh! Just wide!

Wrong way, Einstein, wrong way.

Paul, that way. That way.

Sadly, all that time in the water

means Paul hasn't qualified for the Sweeper.

I finished it!

And he's looked thinner.

So, the full-time whistle has blown on 19 of today's competitors.

Just one left, and they'll need to put in a good performance to make it into the all-important top 12.

This is Sean, 19, from Stockton-on-Tees.

Sean hates musicals and has a phobia of donkeys.

Only kidding, Sean.

Sean, what is it that you do, my dear?

Basically, I'm joining the Royal Navy as a submariner.

I'm a bit of a hard-core guy, myself, you see.

# In the navy You can sail the seven seas

# In the navy... #

Is there anything out there that scares you?

The idea of the punching wall. But if it hits me I'll probably hit it back.

# In the navy...#

Check out the gun boats on those.

# In the navy, yes you can put your mind at ease...#

He must really love that arm.

Come on, Total Wipeout! You ain't sinkin' me!

So, off he goes. Yet to find his sea legs.

Now, show those logs who's boss!

Yeah, that's right. They're the boss.

It's official, even the Navy is scared of the sucker punch.

No, he's not. Surely he's...

Oh, he's fighting back!

Oh, and so's gravity.

If it hits me I'll probably hit it back.

Well, the sea dog is as good as his word, he did, ha-ha!

Not seen that before.

Stinks!

It stinks? Maybe he got a whiff of his armpit.

Well, it's not a blistering pace from sea-dog Sean, but he is focussed.

-On his shorts.

-Kegs are fallin'. Hi, Amanda.

Hi.

And Amanda.

Oh!

Can someone call air-sea rescue? I think we might need a winch.

Less of a submarine and more of an old ferry.

I swallowed all of that!

Spit it out, we need it back.

-Navy's gonna love this.

-Well, stop chatting and get a move on!

One more obstacle to go.

Show us why the Royal Navy is the envy of the world, Sean.

Oh! And he makes it!

That was a surprise.

Less surprising is sea-dog Sean's failure to qualify,

but at least he had a nice day out.

So, who are the 12 going through to the sweeper?

At the top of the leader board it's an all-girl one, two, three

with Mummy Mel, no-licence Margo and flippy Tracey.

Party-boy James takes fourth spot,

and nervous Antony fastens his seatbelt in sixth.

Dan cruised his way into seventh, and no-problem-at-all Dave

had no problem at all making it into the top 12.

But let us not forget those that were left behind.

Like The King, sea-dog Sean, and our triple Total Wipeout record holder, Emma again.

It's only polite to say goodbye properly.

# That's life

# That's life

# That's what all the people say

# You're ridin' high in April Shot down in May

# But I know I'm gonna change that tune

# When I'm back on top Back on top in June

# I say that's life

# That's life

# That's life

# And I can't deny it

# Many times I thought of cuttin' out but my heart won't buy it

# But if there's nothing chasing from this here July... #

Hi, Amanda.

# I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball

# And die

# My, my. #

Emma Again will win series three, I just know it.

On to more pressing matters now, or crushing ones.

It's the Sweeper.

And today's sweeper is the headache-inducing, body-squeezing,

double-barrelled crusher.

There's one thing running through the competitors' brains right now -

did I bring spare pants? Because this thing is terrifying.

It's crushed plenty of Brits already this series,

and it intends to crush six more as it cuts the field in half.

Hopefully not literally, obviously.

Then, for your amusement, and more importantly mine,

it wont stop until we have a last person standing.

Let's meet the crusher's crushees.

On podium one, it's Mummy Mel.

Number one in the qualifier, number one in the Sweeper.

Followed by pom-pom Megan on podium two.

-Aahh!

-Yeah.

On three, four and five are no-licence Margo, three-shows-too-late Jo...

-HE BURPS

-..And gassy Alex.

Train driver Marie is on podium six.

Woo-woo!

Steady as a rock.

And on podium seven,

Dan Cruise is looking less and less like Tom.

Check out these top guns!

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Nervous Antony is on number eight.

Everyone, your exists are all around, see you all on landing.

And on podiums nine and ten are no-problem-at-all Dave and party-boy James.

Is it too late just for me to nip to the toilet?

Just wait until you get in the water, James. It'll be fine.

Completing the line-up on podiums 11 and 12 are Super Hoops and flippy Tracey.

Dan, it's not about your top guns, I'm gonna show you the money.

Flippy Tracey's raring to go, but you need more than raring to beat the crusher.

You need timing, balance, and for 11 of them, a maxi-pack of waterproof plasters.

Let's get going.

It's time for the Sweeper. Are you all ready?

ALL: Yeah!

They sound happy now. It's three...two...one...

Here goes nothing! And by nothing I mean two huge padded arms

that get faster and closer together with every revolution.

Oh, and two have gone already!

Three-shows-too-late Jo went first.

A little stumble is all it takes.

I just lost my footing. Gutted! Because I wanted to stay up there till the end!

Train driver Marie has gone, too.

It's just a big red bar coming at ya, right at ya. It's hideous.

Fun but hideous. Well, no, it's not fun. It's just hideous.

But it comes right at ya.

Five boys and five girls remain standing.

Well, wobbling.

Dropping like flies.

I guess it's a bit like skipping in a room with a really low ceiling.

I say "guess" because I've never actually tried either.

I wanted to, but my holiday insurance form didn't have a tick-box for "the crusher".

That bottom bar now getting higher, and the crusher getting faster.

They're doing well, though. Coping admirably.

Oh no, no!

No-license Margo's gone down.

That's without doubt the worst fall I've ever seen on Total Wipeout.

Probably one of the worst offloads on Total Wipeout ever.

Great minds think alike. Three down, three to go.

Pom-pom Megan very nearly goes there.

All those years spent balancing on other cheerleaders' shoulders is paying dividends now.

Oh, a lot of screaming going on, not enough falling, though. Come on!

That bar getting really quite fast now.

This is unbelievable.

Come on, someone fall off! You're just prolonging it!

Oh!

-Oh!

-Two for the price of one.

Now it's mayhem.

Three went down there.

Super Hoops almost loop the loops, and flippy Tracey, well that is quite a flip.

I'm a competitive person, so any times I don't come number one, that's a disappointment.

Well, you haven't disappointed us, Camilla, what a way to go. And as for Tracey...

I just saw her feet coming towards me,

and I couldn't see the bar because she was basically over the top of it.

I think I went off in spectacular fashion though, didn't I?

Yes. So, with Tracey gone, there are seven left.

Mel, Megan, Alex, Dan, Antony, Dave and James.

We've got to lose one more.

And there she is!

Pom-pom Megan hits her face and reverse head-butts the water.

Show off.

I'm just absolutely gutted because I was the last one.

There is absolutely no more cheering left in me now.

So, we have the six going through to the next round.

Mummy Mel, gassy Alex, Dan Cruise, nervous Antony,

no-problem-at-all Dave and party-boy James.

Who will enjoy the pride, the honour, and the bruise-free shins of being crowned last man standing?

Oh, well it won't be no-problem-at-all Dave.

Bottom bar just clips Dave's left toe and sends him water-wards.

If he can't swim, no-problem-at-all Dave will become one-big-problem Dave.

Mummy Mel bows out, or rather ducks out of this round,

but she's safely through to the next.

Let's get back to the action. Where are we?

Oh! Dan's down.

And so is Antony.

Dan Cruise hits the eject button in spectacular style,

while nervous Antony decides to keep him company

down there in the cold, murky depths.

So.

It's just Alex and James left. Alex clears it!

As does James, those bars are getting pretty close together now.

Oh, Alex is gone! He doesn't know which way is up!

Good thing he was wearing kneepads,

because having knees that still function will come in useful in the next round.

So, party-boy James has outshone everyone to become the last man standing.

Who said chartered surveyors were boring?

I want to get one of those car stickers. "Chartered surveyors jump higher" or something like that.

But yeah, we obviously can do something right.

Well, I have seen less amusing car stickers.

So, the sweeper has, in its own sweet way, narrowed the field from 12 to six.

Now to the penultimate challenge of today's proceedings.

You cannot possibly imagine the scale or ferocity of the dreadmill.

Unless you can imagine two running machines side by side,

in which case, you can imagine the scale or ferocity of the dreadmill.

Here it is.

The final six have been split into three heats.

Each heat will see two competitors head to head on jumbo-sized running machines.

Except they're just not as jolly as that sounds.

Add two enormous demolition balls,

powered by Argentineans who don't get fed until the game is over, and things get interesting.

As the round goes on, the machines go faster, the balls go lower and I laugh. A lot.

Whoever gets swept into the pool is out.

Whoever stays standing qualifies for the Wipeout Zone. It's as easy - and as hard - as that.

And just in case you've forgotten,

here's a reminder of the six competitors who have signed up for the gym from hell.

Now surveying the horror of the dreadmill, it's last man standing, party-boy James.

This is for all the grey-suited quantity surveyors out there.

Followed swiftly by a wind-propelled gassy Alex.

HE BURPS

Dan Cruise shows us the money.

Check out these top guns!

And just how cool he is.

This is what you want, girls, you want to see Mummy?

While Mummy Mel is the only woman in the final six.

No-problem-at-all Dave had no problem at all.

No problem at all. No problem.

Apart from all the problems.

And nervous Antony who is totally focussed on the task at hand.

Can I ask what I'm doing?

It's the dreadmill, Antony. I just explained that.

Under the watchful eye of a snoozing Eduardo, the names have been drawn from a hat.

So let's see who is facing who in the dreadmill heats.

Heat one: Nervous Antony versus no-problem-at-all Dave.

I'm not nervous about facing Dave,

it's just the fact of the big ball coming towards me that scares me a lot.

The guy's only about two stone wet through.

I'm not going to talk to him or anything, I'm going to annihilate him.

Course you are, Dave.

Time for these guys now to go head to head. Or should I say head to dread?

The oldest versus the youngest. Yep, it's Dave versus Antony. Are you guys ready?

Three...two...one!

So one of these guys will make it through to the Wipeout Zone, but which one will it be?

51-year-old northern soul fan Dave? Or 18-year-old trainee cabin crew, Antony?

Less of a run, more of a trot at the moment.

That will change.

Bless Dave with this little legs and his long shorts.

They must stay between the red markers.

KLAXON SOUNDS

There goes the klaxon. That means the demolition balls start swinging.

It's about to get dangerous, and the fun starts for you and me.

Obviously not for them.

So this will test their nerve. And their ability to run while looking over their shoulder.

Try it, it's not easy!

And with every swing, the demolition balls get lower and the dreadmills get faster.

Antony managing to duck very low.

Very low.

Antony looks scared to death!

He's probably wondering what he's doing again.

Oh! Dave's looking troubled now!

Dave falls, and he doesn't even put up a fight!

Into the pool of despair! Despairing.

Which means nervous Antony is through to the Wipeout Zone.

I don't think he was hit, but that low ducking threw him off his stride,

and that was a big problem for no-problem-at-all Dave.

It took me off the ball a bit, you see.

Watched him instead of watching what I were doing.

Yeah, I really wanted to do it for everybody. Family and friends, yeah.

-I don't know what to say. I'm distraught.

-Aww.

Yeah, enough of that. Time for heat two.

It's Mummy Mel Vs Dan Cruise.

Well, I've done a lot better than what I thought I was gonna do already, so you just don't know.

Don't write me off.

If I get beaten by a girl... Yeah, my friends are probably gonna give me a lot of grief about it.

It's not your friends you need to worry about, Dan, it's the treadmill,

demolition balls and the pool of despair. And the feminists maybe, after that.

So both Mel and Dan having a peaceful jog. But that peace is about to be shattered.

KLAXON SOUNDS

By that!

And those.

Mel and Dan are watching those demolition balls closely.

I would be too.

That is some very impressive and dramatic ducking going on there.

Mel is one fit woman, I'll tell you that.

And Dan's hardly in bad shape to have got this far.

Oh, Mel's been hit! She's on her back! She's on her side!

She's been swept away, she's out!

How cool is Dan's celebration?

Not very cool at all.

That's what you get for showing off, Dan!

And for winding up hungry Argentineans.

-I've had a great time.

-And you were one super-fit mum, I tell you that.

Your performance today has been excellent. I know your kids will be so proud of you.

I hope so. Ellie, Amy and hubby Martin, I did my best.

So, to the final dreadmill heat. There are only two left.

Party-boy James and gassy Alex.

I'll tell you who's gonna win out of me and Alex.

Me.

It's always the little quiet ones in the corner you've gotta watch.

Whoa, some high-octane verbal sparring going on there, wasn't it? Nearly.

So James and Alex face off for that one last place in the Wipeout Zone.

It's that age-old clash of the titans.

Quantity surveyor versus landscape gardener. I think that happened before.

-KLAXON

-Let's settle this.

Here come the balls.

Gassy Alex has been practising for Total Wipeout by walking on barrels and jumping on bales of hay.

Whilst party-boy James employed his 11-year-old son Connor to help him train by jumping on wheelie bins.

In both cases, I wonder what the neighbours thought.

Some good ducking and recovery going on.

That's a great technique.

Oh! Alex is down though, and struggling! That hurt!

Somehow he's found his feet!

Can he, can he, yes! Alex sprints back into the action, what a recovery!

Those balls getting low now.

Alex has gotta be exhausted after that effort saving himself.

Oh! Oh he's gone again!

And he's up! And now James is down!

And he's not getting back up!

Oh.

-Well, amazing stuff from Alex.

-Woo! Woo!

Amazing screaming from Alex.

-Wooo!

-Yeah, stop that now.

It's almost like Alex forgot the ball was coming back again,

but all it took was one knock and James couldn't match Alex's determination.

It's the gassy gardener who completes the Wipeout Zone line-up.

I know your son, Connor, was helping you prepare for this.

Do you think he's be proud of your performance today?

I think he'll be proud, but I think he'll be shouting "Dad, what the hell are you doing?"

What a performance from gassy Alex.

So, the dreadmill has whittled our six down to three.

And what a final we have on our hands.

A flight attendant wannabe, a Tom Cruise wannabe, and a landscape gardener actually-is-a-be.

All hail our three heroes.

When I first arrived, I thought I'd be in the final.

Yeah, now I'm here, great.

I'm very proud, I can hold my head up high.

I've been to the Wipeout Zone, nobody can ever take that away from me now.

I'm feeling petrified at the moment, absolutely petrified.

I just want to get it over with now.

When I first met Antony I didn't think much of him.

You know, he's the youngest contestant, he hasn't got much life experience.

Antony has surprised himself and everybody else.

I don't believe that with the other contestants I could get this far.

I've slipped under the radar.

Slipped under it, I've disappeared under it.

I've got great balance, great determination.

I'm gonna bring enthusiasm and passion to this final.

I've got speed, I've got strength, I've got stamina.

Dan's tall, strong, pretty much the opposites of me, basically.

I'd like to think I'm more than just a pretty face.

I'm doing this for me. Doing this for my self-confidence,

doing this for anybody who's ever looked down on me before.

100% got it in me to be a winner. Just need to put it into practise now and go smash that course.

I'm the quiet one in the corner in the pub. Don't ever underestimate me.

If I had to sum up this experience in one word...is "out of this world" a word? Out of this world!

So, it's that time of the evening already.

How time flies when you're having fun.

Or in the case of the three finalists, approaching extreme physical exhaustion.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Wipeout Zone.

If Antony, Dan or Alex thought what they'd done so far was tough, they need to think a little bit harder.

First they face a trip down Killer Surf, before heading up the Barrel Run.

No falling down or belly flopping allowed.

Then it's the Monkey Bars, they sort the men from the monkeys.

Before attempting the Scary Spinner.

Finally they must cross the Brusher and the Launch Pads,

which have catapulted many finalists into despair.

And a few of our winners towards glory and £10,000 cheque.

Over to Amanda to get things started.

It's been an exhausting day. I don't know about them, but I'm absolutely shattered.

And it's the Wipeout Zone.

And the first to brave it tonight is Dan.

If you're just tuning in, no, that's not Tom Cruise, it's Dan Cruise.

Let's go!

KLAXON

Woooo!

And the action man wannabe hits the water swimming.

That beam is greased and slippery, remember.

Dan now charges to the Barrels.

Oh, and he's making them look easy.

Tom would be proud.

Now it's a swing across those water-drenched Monkey Bars.

Slippery stuff.

But Dan cruises across.

He's cleared it.

Sizing up the Spinner now.

And he's on.

First time. Dan is making this Wipeout Zone look easy.

But he's gotta get off. This is such a dangerous moment,

leaving the Spinner.

He's waited one revolution, he steadies himself.

And he jumps!

That's a pretty heavy landing, but Dan is straight up.

And on to the Brusher.

This is tough.

What? He's stopped it with his bare hands!

Just the Launch Pads to go...

And oh no! This is a disaster.

It was an almost flawless run.

Up to that point when he just lost balance

and tipped over the edge.

It's a swim and a climb back to the start of the Launch Pads for Dan.

Is he checking if he broke a nail?

Dan Cruise's second attempt. Jump, sideways landing, very nice.

Preparing...makes the leap.

On to the second...oh, no! He's in again!

Looks like he might hang on, but he just tipped over, lost it.

Back to the start of the Launch Pads once more.

Dan really must be tiring by now.

His time was so good. He's made the first one.

He's on to the second.

Yes!

And Dan completes the Wipeout Zone.

Such a great start.

But with five minutes now on the clock, I'm not sure the look-alike looks like a winner.

Only time will tell.

Aww, that's gutting.

I think I was pretty fast until then.

Dan, you've set the time of five minutes and one second, but it might be quick enough

because you never know what happens in the Wipeout Zone.

So the next contestant tonight is Antony.

Is Nervous Antony man enough for the Wipeout Zone?

He is looking nervous, but that's quite normal for him.

Wipeout Zone, here I come.

The roar of a champion there.

Hey, he's got this far.

-KLAXON

-I'm scared watching.

He's out of the ring.

Into the water.

Strong swim for the beam.

Oh, little slip on the beam but he's back up on his feet.

Remember, Antony doesn't know Dan's time.

Oh dear.

Oh, he's struggling a bit on the Barrel Run,

but he is making progress.

He's going in the right direction.

He must be made of bits of wire, how's he holding together?

Now, if Antony wins the prize money tonight,

he wants to spend it on getting his pilot's licence.

Not another person who wants to be Tom Cruise.

He's cleared it though, and straight on to the Spinner.

He's on, this is a very good time.

But as we've just seen, anything can still happen.

Whoa! That was a short stay on the Spinner from Antony, amazing!

The Brusher now, this has claimed so many.

Antony making it look easy.

If he can make these Launch Pads without falling, he will smash Dan's time.

He's on to the first, looking good.

He's on to the second!

He's done it!

Nervous Antony may well be lifting that winner's trophy tonight!

If those little arms can manage it.

Well, he struggled a bit to begin with, but nervous Antony soon got into his stride,

and belted round the Wipeout Zone in one minute 30.

He's no idea he's beaten Dan yet.

I'd say ecstatic with that.

You know, I've been really worried about you all day, haven't I? But clearly I don't need to be.

Naah. Well, I don't mind.

Well, I tell you what, Antony. Dan, I'm afraid I won't be showing you the money tonight.

Wow, Antony! So there may be more meat on a vegan buffet, but that was an incredible performance.

Gassy Alex is all that stands between Antony and £10,000.

So, can he turn in an even more impressive time?

Let's find out.

Wipeout Zone! It's playtime!

KLAXON

Whoa! Man!

Gassy Alex. Silent, but deadly.

Oh dear.

I hope he hasn't swallowed too much water,

because we all know what happens when he does that.

Swimming now to the beam.

Balancing.

And making it to the Barrel Run.

Alex can't afford any mistakes at all

if he's going to beat Antony's impressive time.

This is a quick start.

Now, on to those Monkey Bars.

Good solid stuff from the gassy landscape gardener.

He's cleared the bars. The Spinner next.

And on to the Spinner in no time.

It's getting off where the accidents happen.

Come on now.

So much time can be lost or saved here.

Sets himself...leaps!

And hangs on to the platform! This is a quick time.

Now the Brusher.

Alex goes for it, and he's down!

Just losing his footing there and in he went.

His challenge for the title is all over now.

Launch Pad one.

Oh no!

He's off again!

But still fighting. Launch Pads, take two.

Alex, remember, doesn't know

that Antony did it in such an amazing time.

So he's still trying his hardest to finish quickly. He makes the first.

Ooh...

Just hangs on to the second... and he's across.

Aaargh! I'm the winner!

Yes, Alex, you are the winner. But only in the belching contest.

Gassy Alex really let rip in the first half of the course,

but unfortunately for him he just couldn't follow it through.

I said that on purpose.

That was one nail-biting experience for me.

How are you feeling?

I'm pumped, I'm psyched.

I'm just really gutted about the tramps.

Listen, you should be proud of yourself, it was a brilliant performance. I can tell you now,

Alex, I'm afraid you haven't won.

Antony, you're the Total Wipeout champion, you're gonna get your private pilot's licence! Well done!

Well, who'd have thought it? From nervous to victorious, and rightly so.

Our fifth winner of the series is crowned.

And Antony Newton, the 18-year-old airline and airport operations student for Harrogate,

becomes Total Wipeout's youngest-ever champion.

Can I ask what I'm doing?

You won Total Wipeout, Antony. He still hasn't got this, has he?

He'll be back though, once we've explained it to him several times,

along with Alex and Dan for the Total Wipeout final in four weeks' time.

Anyway, time for Amanda and me to say goodbye, and we'll see you next week on Total Wipeout,

for quite a lot of this.

Bye for now!

Um...can I just ask what I'm doing?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]