Episode 4 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, South America.

7,000 miles from home

unless, of course, you live there.

20 ordinary Brits including a carpenter,

an accountant and a man who sells cheese

will put their courage, their strength and their bodies to the test

on one of the most breathtaking

and, to be fair, stupidest obstacle courses ever created.

Let the games begin!

Welcome to Total Wipeout, the show that tests competitors' nerves, their courage,

but above all, their ability to scream whilst flying upside-down through the air.

The Argentinians have added new bits to the course.

This is how today's contest is going to work.

The Qualifier - daunting The Sweeper - dangerous,

Dizzy Dummies - disorientating.

And the grand final, the Wipeout Zone - discombobulating.

So, let's start at the beginning, it's the Qualifier.

Only the fastest 12 will make it into the next round.

So, all that's needed now is to introduce my co-host,

a woman who shows the contestants unwavering love and support

through the medium of laughing and...

occasionally pointing at them.

It's Amanda Byram, who's with the first contestant.

Here I am with the lovely Emma at the top of the Total Wipeout course.

Now, Emma, what is your inspiration for being here today?

I'm the first person from Guernsey and the Channel Islands to take part.

Are you fit in any way?

I am, I can do the splits. Do you want me to show you?

Oh, yes!

Emma, that is going to come in unbelievably handy

in more ways than one.

It's about time someone from Guernsey did this course.

Bring it on!

Well, we've all been thinking it. So Emma's from Guernsey

I think that makes her a "Guerner".

The first obstacle she'll be facing is new this week.

Introducing...

the Walk Of Shame.

Ten highly unstable occasional tables

that might throw you into the water.

Emma will be following in the footsteps of other famous Guerners

like...er...oh...

Bergerac! No, that's Jersey...

-She's onto the Walk Of Shame and off it.

-Oh!

Oh! Her ability to do the splits being no help whatsoever.

But that fall is costing her valuable time.

Come on, Emma The Guerner.

OK, here comes her second attempt at the Walk Of Shame.

Showing plucky Guernsey determination made famous by...

You know...yeah.

Instead more precious time lost as she swims to the pool edge.

Now, it's the Sucker Punch.

It's learnt its trade working in a Rotherham nightclub

and it learnt it well.

Come on, Emma The Guerner! Oh, she's doing well!

She's not doing well.

No.

Hang on, is she waving at someone?

Let's just have a look at that again.

"Hiya! Going in the mud now."

That's...that's pretty cool.

They'll love this in Guernsey's arch-rival Alderney.

Ugh!

Looking tired now as she approaches our favourite part of the Qualifier.

Yes! It's the Big Balls.

Let's see if those agile legs can take her across the Big Red Balls.

Yes, let's!

Go on, go on!

Have some of that Alderney...oh!

Yeah.

Still, never mind, at least you have the pride of knowing

you're first person from Guernsey to fall off the Big Ball

covered in mud.

But look at it, despite everything,

Emma is still determined to set a good Qualifier time,

showing us that Guernsey spirit made famous by...um...

Quick, get me Wikipedia!

Anyway, Emma still has to face the last of the new obstacles -

the deadly...

Zip Wire Of Doom!

All she has to do is plant herself on that pint-sized football net

whilst hanging on for dear life,

trying to avoid two huge, padded posts.

Here she goes.

Our first contestant.

Can she do it?

Can she do it? She's wheezing for Guer...

Oh, the Zip Wire Of Doom not really living up to its name.

Anyway, she finishes in a benchmark time of 3 minutes 15!

You see? Look, no doom there.

No doom the... No, it's just a Zip Wire!

Our next contestant is 30-year-old Aaron.

who has a secret.

This is my brother. His name is Cow. CUCKOO SOUND

We're all from the planet Cow and we all have the same names

so this is Cow and I'm Cow.

I am the Cow-Man, I have the power of the cow behind me!

Mooo!

HORN SOUNDS

OK, scared and slightly nervous.

Aligning himself with the athletic qualities of a cow.

But when Aaron isn't being as mad as a cow,

he works for London Underground.

Oh, mind the gap!

Let's see.

Where is Cow-Man when you need him?

That was a bit like a cow actually.

It was like a confused cow on a cattle grid.

Oh, he's fallen again!

Right, here we go, the second lot.

And it's...

No, it's just gone wrong.

Right, on to the Sucker Punch for Aaron.

Dodgy, dodgy.

Hanging on well.

Oh! Right in the udders!

Doing well against those pummelling...

No, that's what's known as cow tipping, I believe.

Go on, Cow-Man!

Cow-Man hoping to avoid a rawhide here.

Oh...

Oh! Somebody call the RSPCA, there is a cow in some distress.

He looks terrified because this looks impossible

but the Zip Wire Of Doom really is not very doomy.

So Aaron moves himself into the lead

with a time of 2 minutes and 6 seconds.

-Can I do it again?

-I don't quite know what to do with you!

-Mooo!

-Mooo!

MUSIC: "EASTENDERS THEME" by Simon May

Let's meet Phil and Grant Mitchell.

I mean, Scott and Nathan.

And just like the hard men of Albert Square,

they're both rough, tough, no-nonsense blokes.

And they have something else in common.

Have you spotted it yet?

Yep, that's right.

They both use moisturiser!

You can't wipe me out! I've got monkey power! O-oo-oo!

Monkey power?

Prepare for the Man Of Steel!

Man Of Steel?

Hang on, can we pause it?

Let's get this straight, you don't make up your nicknames,

I make up the nicknames. We let Cow-Man through, but Monkey-Man Scott

you're now Nickname Violation 1 and Man Of Steel Nathan

you're Nickname Violation 2. OK?

Both off to a great start then.

When Scott's not taking part in weird Argentinian obstacle courses,

-he's a vet.

-Oh! Monkey power right there...

Not!

..And Nathan hangs out in the Queen Vic... No, not really.

He's a mobile phone consultant.

Nathan says he's terrible at making people laugh.

RICHARD LAUGHS

Oh, I don't know about that, I think you have a talent for it.

Grant...I mean Scott's turn to tackle the Balls.

And the same result for him.

Scott showing us a perfect on-and-off technique there.

Says he's got the balance of a cat.

Finally, the terrifying Zip Wire Of Doom

looks like it's claimed its first victim.

And another!

Accept it - you're not landing. That'll do.

And so the Mitchells, I mean Scott and Nathan

really showing us how hard the Qualifier is

by both crawling in in slow-ish times.

Will that be enough to see them into the top 12?

Whoever would have thought watching grown men falling off some massive balls would be so funny.

Oh, yeah, everyone.

Although those Big Balls aren't the only things causing the contenders to come a cropper.

# Have you ever heard about the wibbly wobbly walk?

# Well, just in case you've not

# I'll tell you on the spot

# The wibbly wobbly walk is only just another way

# You'll notice half a dozen fellows when they're on the spree

# In half a dozen minutes they are all for jollity

# And they all walk

# The wibbly wobbly walk

# All talk the wibbly wobbly talk

# All wear wibbly wobbly ties

# And wink at all the pretty girls

# With wibbly wobbly eyes... #

I don't want a DNF, that's what's terrifying me.

What's a DNF?

Did Not Finish.

Meet 24-year-old dental nurse Annette.

And let's see if the course is something

she can get her teeth in to.

Oh!

Ooh!

Open wide and say, "Argh!"

This could take a few takes. Cut!

My nickname's The Kid, I'm going to get on my bike and roll through this course. Come on!

Just to clarify, his mum wouldn't allow him a bike.

Yes, this is sofa salesman Hasmit and your nickname isn't The Kid,

it's Sofa Salesman Hasmit.

Maybe a bike was a good idea.

Well, I can confirm that both Annette and Hasmit did indeed finish.

Well...surely they must have done by now.

Let's take a look at the first leader board.

In pole position, it's Cow-Man Aaron, followed by Guerner Emma

and dental nurse Annette with three minutes, 44.

They're followed by Nickname Violation 1, Scott

and Nickname Violation 2, Nathan.

And bringing up the rear

with four minutes, 15 is Sofa Salesman Hasmit.

-Woo!

-Maybe our next competitor can do a better job.

Sammy's my name and winning's my game.

You gotta watch this space, I'm gonna win this race.

And probably fall on her face.

She's away. So this is Sammy,

a mortgage administrator from Merseyside

and she has a trick up her sleeve that might help.

She's made of rubber.

Which doesn't help her here.

How about the Balls?

No.

But wow, like pretty much everybody so far,

she vanquishes the Zip Wire Of Doom

and finishes in a very respectable 2 minutes 43.

Jorden, making obstacle courses look easy since 1988. Come on!

Yes(!) Meet 21-year-old deodorant researcher Jorden.

There's nothing this man doesn't know about sweaty armpits.

Oh!

We'll have a few words later, give you a few tips.

-Really?

-Yeah, pretty much.

He really does do that for a job. Here goes BO Jorden.

Onto his feet...onto his feet and away.

Ouch!

Oh, that's gotta hurt.

Obviously he's rolled on past that obstacle.

BO Jorden is not only quick, but he won't stain your armpits.

This is a fast time.

Oh, no! He's in. But he's out again.

Now, the Balls.

Oh, crikey!

He's like a little bullet.

He went hell for leather and very nearly ran across the whole lot.

This is a stunningly-fast time of one minute, 34

and one of the fastest times of the series so far.

But does he still smell like a fresh everglade on a spring morning?

Probably.

How smelly are you after it?

Have a look.

Hmm, pretty good.

MUSIC: "Mama Told Me Not Come" by Tom Jones

-Our next contestants have a tough act to follow.

-Bring on the Big Red Balls!

This is for the ginger nuts!

It's mum and daughter, Sue and Becky Burns.

They're a family unit.

The Burns Unit if you like.

I'm joined by Becky and Sue from Enniskillen

and I'm trying to figure out who's the mother and who's the daughter with the pompoms.

-Daughter.

-Daughter, yeah.

I'm the old bag, I'm the mother.

So it's the battle of the Burns Unit -

daughter Becky versus mum Sue.

Oh! And Mum's already in trouble.

Now it's Becky's turn.

Hang on, wow!

Becky's showing her mum how to make the Walk Of Shame

a walk in the park.

Aww! That was almost genius!

So far in the battle of the Burns Unit

daughter Becky's proving she's got what it takes.

OK, it's a big ask but can mum Sue do any better?

No, it's not in the genes.

Mummy Burns may have fallen, but she's done it in style.

That is poetry in motion.

I'm going to commission a small, porcelain statue

or perhaps a painting on a plate.

So, the battle of the Burns Unit reaches the Sucker Punch.

Up first, Becky.

Oh! Mum's going to have to wash those.

Now can Mum use her experience to outdo her daughter?

Clearly not, no!

She's gone.

Still it's lucky she's already got to put a load on anyway.

Becky's already conquered the Walk Of Shame

can she conquer the Balls?

Oh, here we go! Come on, Balls!

Now is the time.

No. She just can't.

How about Mum?

Come on - wisdom, experience...

that's another "no".

Still strangely graceful nevertheless.

Now the Zip Wire Of Doom.

Looks like Becky's using a tactic of swinging wide.

If only she knew you don't need to bother with tactics, it's easy.

Anyway, she finally makes it with a very respectable 2 minutes 48.

Can Mummy Burns put in a last-gasp effort

to catch up with her daughter?

Well, yes. Yes she can.

Kind of. No tactics, just gently hanging on

until she's safely onto the net.

Mum knows best but finishes slowest with three minutes, 15.

So, what is it you do for a living?

I work for an energy company, I'm an account administrator.

MUSIC: "I've Got The Power" by Snap

Can electric Tania power her way through the course?

-Oh, short circuit!

-Ah!

Are the electricity puns working for you?

Ah, she's blown a fuse.

There's plenty more of these if you want them.

How not to do it.

Sometimes it takes ages

to come up with the nicknames for the contenders.

And I took ages on this one.

Do some damage!

Meet Scary Claire.

Scary is a 23-year-old flood risk engineer

and we're all on flood alert for this one.

That looks like a flood risk right there.

Oh, that's an amber alert flood risk.

Or something.

Come on, Claire.

Yeah, that nickname was genius, wasn't it? It just fits.

-Just sometimes you know.

-I'm scared!

Possible flood risk now. Scary versus the Balls.

I'll get the sandbags.

Oh!

Ah!

Now the only thing left to scare Claire is the Zip Wire Of Doom.

This looks fast.

Can she challenge BO Jorden's time of 1 minute 34?

Nearly! Claire is now in second place.

So, still smelling success in top spot

is BO Jorden.

With Scary Claire now a close second,

pushing the Cow-Man into third.

Next is Rubber Sammy and the Burns Unit, Becky and Mummy Burns.

Next is Guerner Emma and bringing up the rear,

it's Nicknames Violations 1 and 2

and Sofa Salesman Hasmit.

Up next is mother-of-two Karolyne.

MUSIC: "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond

And here with me now at the top of the Total Wipeout course

is the lovely Karolyne who is a mother of two.

Karolyne, is that your motivation for being here today, the babies?

Yeah, my children, they want to see me fall off the Balls.

And I'm just out here to show that there's some larger people out there

and we can go out and do it just as well as the fit ones.

MUSIC: "Goldfinger" by Shirley Bassey

I'm doing this for all the big mothers, watch me smash this course.

Good on you, Karolyne - doing it for your kids.

We've seen that motivation before...

Not always with good results.

I'll bet your kids can't wait to get to school on Monday.

Let's look out for things that might embarrass her, kids.

Nothing so far as she comes on to the Walk Of Shame.

Oh!

Let's see if Karolyne can keep this clear run going for her kids.

Yep, lovely!

Lovely there.

Very neat backwards dismount coming up.

Smashing stuff.

Ah!

You see, she may have fallen in, but she's still hungry for it.

Come on, Karolyne.

Right, the Sucker Punch.

Keep those fingers crossed, kids.

Keep 'em crossed.

Ouch!

Um...

Ooo!

Ohh!

So the kids, maybe,

could be getting a bit twitchy about Monday morning now.

Why don't we leave Mum there for a minute or two, kids

and you can maybe pick up some of those texts you seem to be getting.

Anyway, who's that I see?

Why, shiver my timbers but it looks like one of those real-life pirates.

Well, actually this swashbuckling cutthroat is called...Andy.

Now it's my turn, I hope I don't crash and burn.

And he's really a print manager. Not of the seven seas but Swansea.

Well, his hat thing stayed on. That's good.

OK, Andy says his strategy is to go as quickly as possible.

It's a good strategy and so far it's working well.

Ohhh!

Certainly got his sea legs to work fast there.

And now our pirate's going to walk the plank

to the Balls.

But it'll be fine cos...

Oh, no! Man overboard!

Man overboard.

Oh, dear. Chin up, Pugwash.

He might have fallen on his pieces of eight there.

But he finishes in good time - two minutes and one second.

Even though he suffered a nasty injury, a bandanna-ectomy.

And I thought that bandanna was covering a full head of hair.

Anyway, back to Karolyne, winners don't quite and quitters don't win

and also don't fall in the mud.

Ugh! I feel like the creature from the deep.

Don't say that, it's not that deep.

You're going to be fine. Go on!

All the way to the Big Balls now. Kids, this is it!

She's doing this for you.

Oh, this is...

We're all sharing something special.

Come on, Karolyne, for your kids.

Right.

Come on, Karolyne.

Right.

One, two, three.

Oh!

Oh-uh!

Oh!

Oo! Oh!

You know, if you are still watching, kids,

it takes genuine bravery to do what your mum's just done.

So go to school with your head held high on Monday...

or maybe Tuesday.

And she calls it a day, but at least she gave it her all.

Boy, did she.

I'm very proud, you know, there's loads of people out there

that want to be in my position - probably not quite as muddy as I was.

I'm a bit sad that I didn't complete the course, but I'm very proud that I'm here

and I took part and I got over the Red Balls.

That is the spirit I love to see on Total Wipeout.

But if you thought Karolyne was gung ho then stand by for the next contestant - 46-year-old Amo.

An accountant keen to dispel the myth that they're all boring

by describing himself as...

..talkative and witty...

..a real daredevil...

..OK, he's a bean counter.

Amo's approaching this like a tax return.

He's going to cheat his way round things.

Hang on. Must have dropped his lucky pen somewhere.

Searching...

Not the time.

Go without it.

OK, let's hope he's as good at balancing on these

as he is at balancing the books.

No, he's not.

Come on, Amo, you're changing our massive stereotypes

about boring accountants.

Now, he's already worked the balls out on a spreadsheet...

Oh! He forgot to carry the two, that's what happened.

The head for figures has just hammered it

through that big rubber ball.

Oh, where's he going?

He's swimming past the Zip Wire.

The other way. Amo!

Yeah, this way, mate!

There! The ladder.

Finally, onto the Zip Wire Of Doom.

Why is it called that?

What is it, haunted or something?

Let's just try something, it's just not...

Even in slow motion, you see?

"Oh, I saw a ghost!"

No, that's a cloud. It's...it's just

Ah, well! Amo finishes proving not all accountants

are boring pen pushers.

Next up is 18-year-old Pint Size Jenny.

Jenny, I feel like the Jolly Green Giant.

Teeny-tiny, aren't you?

Yeah!

Jenny practiced at home by jumping between ten egg cups in the kitchen.

Oh.

Ohhh!

Quick! Someone throw her in the water wings.

This cheese man's a winner and I'll grate right through the course.

39-year-old cheese seller Mark

is already using a variety of bad cheese metaphors.

You wouldn't catch me doing that.

DRUM ROLL

Cheddar luck next time!

Oh! Finally got some drums in.

This is for all the girls out there

that think they can't do it but they can.

I'm going to kick this course into touch so watch me.

Right on...eh, sisters.

Fitness manager Kate from...

Oh, dear.

Er, girl power?

It's...oww!

Both the girls are having trouble on the Sucker Punch.

Are you all right, Jen?

Doing good!

Doing brilliant!

Time to answer that age-old question -

do cheese sellers bounce?

Yep, they do.

OK, can Kate get further than Cheesy Mark?

Oh, looking good.

Yes! Yes...

No, no, she can't.

It was a good leap, but a bad dive followed.

So maybe small is best. Jen is so tiny, maybe she can skip across.

Not even denting the Big Balls.

Or just do a massive, comedy head-dive.

So, Mark finishes. It was a brie-eze.

A-ha! Told you these jokes would pay for themselves.

Next, Jenny manages to finish.

Yes!

Can Kate complete the trio?

Is there a half moon out tonight?

Amanda, leave it! It looks like Kate's got plenty of, er...

cheek there. Right there.

Cheeky Kate finishes in two minutes, 55,

a time that might just be good enough to get her into the top 12

and help salvage her dignity.

Meet Accident And Emergency plaster technician Gordon,

today's oldest competitor, he's 53.

Oh!

-RICHARD LAUGHS

-It's amazing what you can do with false hips nowadays.

I just saw things that I did not want to see.

I might work in A and E, but I'm not going to end up in it.

Watch me go!

OK. He's away.

He's in.

He's out. Gordon fixes broken limbs for a living so break a leg, Gordon.

Oh, no! I meant "good luck".

Oh!

Uh-huh.

Where's he going?

Where's he going?

It is terrible, when you get older you fall into the water

and then you forget what you went in there for.

Over here, Gordon.

Over here. Yeah.

Retrace your steps, Gordon.

What were you thinking? Was it your keys?

Let's hope he doesn't lose more than his bearings on the Sucker Punch.

Oh!

Oww!

He may be closing in on his pension, but he can sure take a punch.

Well, he got one anyway.

Of course when he was a lad, all this were fields.

Right, the Big Balls.

Go on!

Oh! You see to Gordon this is just like

one of those giant walk-in baths he sees advertised.

This has been a wonderful dream!

What? What kind of dream is that?

Oww.

Oww.

Well done, Gordon, eventually finishing three minutes, 24,

just in time to watch Last Of The Summer Wine.

OK, 19 down and only one competitor remains.

His name is Dan.

And he wears a headband.

Hang on, haven't we had a Headband Dan?

-LOW VOICE:

-Long ago in the land of Muddy Earth,

legend tells of a hero called Dan.

And his headband.

A powerful talisman that was lost to the world of men.

But now a new Dan has dawned.

The headband has returned in the...

I'm ready, are you ready? Let's get it on!

You shall not pass!

-Dan, I feel like I've known you my whole life.

-Yeah, me too.

That headband is a really tough look.

Well, if you consider the kids from Fame hard.

Dan's a carpenter and I hope they've sanded that slide down

or that might have given him a nasty splinter

Just so long as he's got the headband nothing can go wrong.

Oh!

Oh! He's lost his headband.

Without his headband, Headband Dan is just...Dan.

See? The power was in the headband.

He has no idea of the danger he's exposing himself to.

Come on, this is your time -

last one to get across.

Without your headband, you're going to do this?

Brave.

But ultimately futile.

Dan needs to dig deep for this last bit

if he wants to make the next round.

And he finishes in two minutes, 35.

Woo!

Oh, that's better.

So, here's our final top 12,

led by BO Jorden, Scary Claire and Pirate Andy.

They're followed by Cheesy Mark, Cow-Man Aaron

and now Return Of The Headband Dan

Behind them, it's Rubber Sammy, Becky Burns and Cheeky Kate.

And finally, Electric Tania,

with Mummy Burns and Guerner Emma sharing last place.

So we have the mighty 12 who are storming into the next round.

But before that, let's take a moment and remember those brave men and women we leave behind,

forever in our thoughts.

Well, until somebody else falls over or does something funny.

MUSIC: "Here In My Heart" by Al Martino

Yes, it's back.

Double the trouble and double the fun.

Well, for us watching.

It's the crushing, twin Sweeper arms that rotate faster

whilst slowly closing in on the 12 remaining contestants

as they try and balance on 13-foot-high podiums.

Only the last five standing will make it into the next round

And keep the dream of winning £10,000 alive.

So, let's meet the remaining plucky 12 contestants.

Standing on podium 1 and 2, it's Cheeky Kate...

It's time for an all-girl final. Let's do this!

..and Return Of The Headband Dan.

I'll be the Total Wipeout king with the crown. You lot are going down!

Podium 3 and 4 is Scary Claire and our Swansea Pirate Andy.

Watch me leap as I sweep up the competition!

On 5, 6 and 7, Cow-Man Aaron...

Moo!

..Yes.

-Guerner Emma.

-EMMA WHIMPERS

Gurning away there.

And Qualifier king, BO Jorden.

Amanda, get me a beer in - I'll be down in a minute.

On podiums 8, 9 and 10 are Cheesy Mark

and the Burns Unit Sue and Becky.

Becca, if I'm going down, you're coming with me.

Yeah, thanks, Mum(!)

You're going down, Mum. Rrr!

And finally on 11 and 12 is Rubber Sammy and Electric Tania.

Guys, do the math. This one's all about the girls!

She works for an electricity company remember.

So the 12 all look ready to brave the Crusher, only 5 can survive.

But don't worry, I can't be hurt here...

at all.

Are you all ready?

-SOME CHEER

-Yep, they couldn't sound less enthusiastic.

Oh, well.

Three, two, one!

HORN SOUNDS

And we're off, those twin arms start their work

and it's so far so good. Andy clear.

Cow-man Aaron. Oh!

Qualifier king Jorden's in trouble but he scrambles to his feet.

And the other seem to...

Oh, no, that's Tania.

She can't get her feet up quickly enough

and Electric Tania's been cut off.

It's absolutely terrifying.

It looks like a harmless piece of equipment, but it's terrible.

So The Crusher makes its second sweep.

Who's going to be next to fall?

I don't believe it!

BO Jorden falls again and he's hanging on for dear life.

and he's not the only one, it's carnage.

There goes the Burns Unit followed Rubber Sammy.

Let's see that again.

So, first mum Sue is flipped...

You think it looks so easy on television until you stand up there

and you're going like that.

..And then daughter Becky...

I'm pretty sore. I'll need a few painkillers this evening.

..And Sammy proving that being made of rubber

is no help at all in jumping over padded arms.

Brr.

I'm over it.

No, you weren't over it, Sammy, that was the problem.

Argh!

And still Jorden hangs on in there but that Crusher is relentless.

The others all seem make, will he?

-No. He has to fall.

-Aww!

Oh, I was rubbish.

No words to describe it.

There are words to describe it,

you just said one - "rubbish".

So we're down to the last seven.

Remember, only the last five standing

will make it into the next round

and the Crusher is getting faster while that gap is getting smaller.

They're doing extremely well so far

but who will be first to crack by getting cracked on the shins?

Oh, that's Cheeky Kate been totally wiped out, crusher style.

The jump was too big, she's been flipped right over

and those cheeks wave goodbye to the £10,000.

The Sweeper was getting so high,

we're talking hip-high, and it was fantastic.

This means just one more has to fall. Who will it be?

Oh! Hang on, that's one, two, it's three in a row!

Andy goes first, but manages to hang on.

Then it's a real twister for Guerner Emma.

Cheesy Mark gets flipped like a burger - cheeseburger.

Pirate Andy has clung on meaning Emma is the last to be eliminated.

I'm only a little shortie.

The bar just got a bit too high and off I went.

Brilliant, though!

Oh!

Although Mark topples off in spectacular style, it's after Emma

so he's safely into the next round as one of the last five,

who now include Andy- who's back on his feet -

the Cow-Man, Return Of The Headband Dan

and Scary Claire.

They're all safe, but the game doesn't stop, they'll play on

to see who'll be the last man or woman standing

and claim the Crusher crown.

Well, this is incredible jumping and Andy stumbles again.

The relentless arms soon back.

Yep! This time he loses it.

The pirate clips the yardarm. He's not such a Jolly Roger any more.

You'd have thought he'd be used to standing on one leg.

And now Aaron joins him doing a good impression of a stunned cow.

Whoops-a-daisy.

So now it's a two-horse race, Dan versus Scary Claire.

Look at the speed of the Crusher!

The jumping gap now so small.

Dan's getting all cocky.

The words "just" and "dessert" spring to mind.

That leaves Scary Claire to be crowned queen of the Crusher.

That was amazing.

They both excelled in one of the toughest Total Wipeout

obstacles to master.

But the flood risk manager from Buckinghamshire takes it.

As it turns out the Crusher was more scared of her

than she was of it.

A bit like spiders.

She advances to the next round as the new favourite.

So, those five competitors are one step closer to clinching the £10,000 prize.

Unfortunately that one step will be over one of the toughest obstacles so far.

It's the stomach-churning, trainer-staining...

lunch...they just make you feel sick, OK?

It's the Dizzy Dummies!

Think of it like a roundabout in a playground.

Except your older brother is pushing you much too fast.

The five semifinalists whizz round and round until up is down,

down is up and lunch comes out.

They must then attempt to stagger through the stumbling Saloon Doors and the Crazy Cut Outs

before trying to cross the Pipe Bridge

and the inflatable Doughnut Run.

Whoever's last to the other side in each run is eliminated

and then we'll have today's three finalists. Got all that? Good!

Having watched as much Total Wipeout as I have,

you'd think I'd know everything there is to know about Dizzy Dummies,

but you'd think wrong.

But not knowing anything about something has never stopped me, so here's my report

on the Dos And Don'ts of how to tackle Dizzy Dummies.

I'm on the actual Total Wipeout course.

In the actual Dizzy Dummy that spins actual competitors round...

..around, around

until they're actually sick

or fall in that actual water over there.

THEY SCREAM

None of those things are going to happen to me though.

Two reasons, perfect balance and co-ordination

and I have a note from my mum

explaining that I'm not allowed to do the Dizzy Dummies.

And I've had it translated into Argentinian just in case.

So these are my Dos And Don'ts for success on the Dizzy Dummies.

Don't have a big breakfast.

Do give your opponents the respect they deserve.

Come on, it's Sudden Death!

Don't book an appointment for straight after the Dizzy Dummies is finished

that requires you to be dry.

Do concentrate all the way to the finish.

Don't do what Michael did.

It's just so hard, it's so slippery and you're so dizzy.

I gave it my all, but I'm sorry.

So those are my Dos And Don'ts for success on the Dizzy Dummies.

Thanks, Mum.

So, will our remaining contestants take the blindest bit of notice?

Well, we're about to find out.

Oh, I feel a little bit dizzy.

Nah, not really. They will be though!

It's Dizzy Dummies. You lot ready?

-Yes!

-Hey!

That was weak.

Three, two, one.

-HORN SOUNDS

-So they're off.

40 seconds of spin.

Let's remind ourselves of who the Dizzy Dummies are.

In at 5, there's nothing he doesn't know about cheese...

I'm gonna grate through the course!

..It's Cheesy Mark.

At number four, it's the scourge of Swansea,

it's Pirate Andy.

Now, it's my turn, I hope I don't crash...

..and burn!

Next up, he's half man...

Moo!

..half cow.

Cow-Man Aaron.

Can I do it again?

He's followed by The Return Of The Headband Dan.

You lot are going down!

Woo!

And in at number one, she's the queen of the Crusher

and she's taking no prisoners.

Do some damage!

ROARING

It's Scary Claire.

ROARING

I think that was a roar. Could have been wind,

or a reaction to the Dizzy Dummies.

So the Dummy comes to a stop and they're all staggering.

Return Of The Headband Dan can't actually stand up.

Now through the Saloon Doors.

That's like a cowboy stag do.

Their heads are all over the place.

That's not a new experience for Aaron who think he's a cow.

Dan's onto the Pipe Bridge, but he takes a sit down.

Oh, Scary Claire attacks it,

but is overcome by a nasty case of the leans.

Never looks too stable,

the pipe dream is quickly over as she hits the water.

Come on, Dan.

Return Of The Headband Dan back to his feet, but moving gingerly...

Oh! Even more gingerly now.

Falling to the left is Aaron, who finds the cattle grid a bit much.

Scary Claire back through the Saloon Doors

and she's attacking the Pipe Bridge and she's...

made it into the water.

That's the closest to finishing we've seen so far.

But Claire is straight back at it

and this time she's made it across the Pipe Bridge!

She's onto the Pontoon and she won't mind that belly flop

as she is the first to go through to the next round.

Cow-Man Aaron following Claire's lead...doesn't quite make it.

It must be those four stomachs weighing him down.

Now, The Return Of The Headband Dan

versus Cheesy Mark. Dan's gone for it and failed.

He makes it onto the Pontoon though while Mark hits the water

and he joins Claire into the next round.

-Victory is Dan's!

-So it's Aaron against Pirate Andy

with the pirate walking the plank first.

And Pirate Andy looks like he's made it onto Treasure Island!

Which leaves just two, Cow-man Aaron versus cheesy Mark,

both fighting for the last place into the next round.

Here comes Aaron, taking it very steadily.

And, yes, he's made it!

-The Cow-Man clinches the last place in the next round.

-Moo!

OK. So, it's hard cheese for Cheesy Mark who's out of the competition.

What happened?

Oh, I don't know. I just couldn't do it.

Ugh! Let my boys down, but...

-How are you feeling?

-Er, gutted.

-Yeah?

So, five become four. There's still one more contender to lose

before we can move on to the Wipeout Zone.

It's back to the Dizzy Dummies!

HORN SOUNDS

The spinning stops and the contestants get off very delicately.

Aaron seems to believe spinning the opposite way

will some how undo the dizziness.

We've seen that tried before - it never works.

Yeah, you see? Just confused.

Aaron's stuck on the wrong side.

Andy's the first to attempt the Doughnut. Doesn't make it.

Dan doesn't either.

Aaron just makes the first.

And...oh! Slips on the way to the next doughnut,

but that's not going to stop him!

That water's got to be cold - in fact, it's freezing cold, sorry.

Scary Claire on the first Doughnut.

They're very moreish, because she's now going for a second.

Clever girl.

Sets herself up carefully and, yes, she has done it.

Here we go, the big leap for the finish.

Oh, she makes it! Scary Claire books her place in the Wipeout Zone.

She launches, she does slip, but it's OK! She stays onboard

and looks delighted.

Now, who will join her in the final?

Aaron looks well-placed. Can he hoof it across?

He jumps and he's just about clinging on.

-Moo!

-Pulls himself up with a smile and a moo

secure in the knowledge

that this cow's not for the knackers' yard yet.

One place remains. Will it be Return Of The Headband Dan or Pirate Andy?

Andy onto the second doughnut, he's got to go for the third.

Oh! Not good enough.

Dan now making his move.

Could this be victory?

He makes the second Doughnut.

Seems to be praying for victory.

Slowly gets to his feet.

Andy hot on his heels of course.

This will be close.

Not dignified, but close.

One last leap to make.

Steady now, steady...

Oh! Taking his time.

This is crucial.

That's it! That's it!

He's claimed the final place in the Wipeout Zone.

And it's the end of the voyage for Pirate Andy.

Just pipped you at the post.

I'm glad he did. I really am glad.

I did one, I was chuffed. That's as far as I needed to go.

So, we have the three finalists for today who all go into the Wipeout Zone

for the chance to land that first prize,

a cheque for £10,000

and to hold aloft the Total Wipeout trophy...

which they have to give back afterwards.

They've all put in some inspiring displays of courage, dexterity...

..colour co-ordination and balance.

Let's follow their journey to tonight's Grand Final.

In my life, I never expected to get this far.

It's been absolutely amazing. Really enjoyed every minute of it.

I can't put into words how pleased I am.

I know I would have made a few people back home proud.

The whole experience is exhausting -

physically, mentally. It's adrenaline that keeps you going.

Exciting but terrifying at the same time.

I'm aching, I'm creaking, but I've come this far,

I might as well go right to the end.

The smart money would be on,

wait for it, diga-diga-diga-diga-don...

-..Claire.

-Claire's the biggest competition.

She's done brilliantly.

I think the boys are worried,

with good reason.

I've jammed it the whole way through.

I don't feel I have any physical advantages on either of them.

My advantage is probably speed.

Me, I'll call myself slow and heavy.

Being up high on that course is not going to faze me.

Tonight I'm going to give everything,

there's no point holding back, this is the end.

It's very easy to shout advice at the TV

and when you actually get in there and do it, it's almost impossible.

This is the big one and I'm really, literally terrified.

People who've seen the Rocky films know an indisputable fact -

the last instalment is always the toughest to get through.

And Total Wipeout is no different, because having made it past everything else,

the final three must now face their biggest challenge -

The Wipeout Zone!

So Aaron, Claire and Dan are ready to tackle

the world's most terrifying obstacle course.

First up, it's a high-speed slide down the Killer Surf.

Then it's a short swim to the Barrel Run

with a barrage of 50kg barrels.

Next up, a test of upper body strength awaits

in the Monkey Bars.

Then onto the fast-moving Spinner. The longer they're on, the harder it is to get off.

From there, it's a perilous walk across the Revolving Brusher.

That's followed by the Launch Pads, two mini trampolines

surrounded by a deluge of freezing water,

that all leads to the finish podium where the clock stops.

Let's join Amanda, who's standing by with tonight's first finalist.

Yep, it's the Wipeout Zone and, up at the start line, it's Dan.

So, Dan will be setting the benchmark and, as none of the other finalists get to watch,

it's just Dan versus the course and the clock.

Woo! Let's get out this time! Come on! Woo!

He actually looks very confident.

HORN SOUNDS

If this was about whooping, he'd be impossible to beat, but it's not.

Face plant!

He needs to get out of the water quickly. Every second is vital.

Confidence alone is not enough. He'll need speed.

His style is a bit ungainly -

kind of like Bambi on ice here - but it seems effective.

He tackles the barrels.

That is quick work.

This is looking very promising.

Making a monkey of the Monkey Bars,

despite the freezing water hammering down on him.

This is a real test.

-Ooo-a-a-ah!

-Thank you(!)

Woo!

Stops for another whoop.

Fine though, it's not like he's being timed or anything. Relax!

He's onto the Spinner.

Wasting time as he struggles to steady himself.

And also, it's going to make him dizzier.

He needs to make that leap successfully.

So many have fallen here.

Ooh! He makes it!

Now he composes himself for the Brusher.

And oh, oh,

he's fallen!

SPLASH

He has fallen, loses his footing almost straight away.

This is now costing him valuable time.

It's all in the timing to make it across

the Brusher and he didn't.

That fall means he now has to climb up the ladder,

prepare himself for the first Launch Pad...

Oh, no! He rebounds. He's into the water.

He's going to have to climb back up

and try that again.

So, back up the ladder, onto the first Launch Pad.

This time he makes sure.

Onto the second. Wastes no time getting from there

onto the finish podium to stop the clock. And the time to beat

is two minutes, 45.

Although Dan started well, he lost time by whooping at the crowd

and taking those two tumbles.

Let's see how he feels back down on the course with Amanda.

I feel like a celebrity stuntman for the night.

Listen, you've been pretty vocal all day,

but what was all the "come on"?! You were wasting time!

Geeing the crowd up. I was confident in my time. We'll see what happens.

OK, so, Dan has staked his claim for tonight's title

and the £10,000 prize.

But will his time be good enough to hold off our next contender,

the Cow-Man Aaron?

But Aaron is already in trouble before he's begun,

because he suffers from extreme vertigo.

Well, why did he come here?!

Ah, boy! Ah, man.

I can't...I can't do this.

Will he even go through with it?

I ca...

Is this the end?

No, hang on... He's going to face his fear!

HORN SOUNDS

He's gone for it! That is a brave Cow-Man!

He into the water.

He's got to overcome his fear quickly...and he does.

He manages to find his bearings and swims toward the Barrel Run.

Brave man.

Up on his feet - hooves, sorry.

Shows some good style to hurdle

those barrels as they cascade towards him.

He's cleared the Barrel Run! Onto the Monkey Bars.

Causing him no trouble, even with that cold water crashing onto him.

Onto the Spinner. Safely makes it on.

Now, Dan took ages here. What can Aaron do? He seems to be milking it.

Tick-tock.

Come on. Maybe this time round.

Yes, yes, he makes it.

Approaches the Brusher now.

Ooh, no! He's come off.

THEY GROAN

Just as Dan did before him, the Brusher doing its job.

Time ticks on as he climbs up.

He's faster than Dan.

This will be down to the wire.

From the first, onto the second.

Clinging on.

He's done it!

And in doing so, Aaron shaves a whopping 25 seconds off Dan's time.

A very respectable two minutes, 20.

So Aaron nearly didn't get started at all,

but once he did, it was a brilliant, all-round display which has put him into pole position.

Well done you, for actually taking that.

You were really scared up at the top. You weren't going to do it.

I was petrified!

I really wasn't going to do it. This is the worst thing for me. Heights and vertical slides.

I'm just so proud of myself for getting down it.

Well, fair play to you, because by doing that, it meant that you were faster than Dan,

so you are through to the next bit.

Wooo! Yeah!

-Dan, good time, man.

-Dan, sorry, man.

So, the last finalist has it all to play for.

£10,000 to be exact.

And a brief go with the trophy, but it does have to go back afterwards.

Scary Claire has been dominant throughout the day.

She is one tough lady.

But can she take that Total Wipeout title?

She looks completely focused and determined.

We've already had one female winner this series.

Are we about to get our second?

Claire, these might be the most testing three minutes of your life.

Well, maybe - I haven't known her that long, obviously.

She's off!

SPLASH

And she's in.

Dismounts the ring to get swimming straight away.

Scary Claire obviously has no fear.

Quite slow getting out of the water.

The barrels are coming already.

Now she's up, onto her feet and onto the Barrel Run.

Lets the first go past - nice tactic, that, shows great finesse.

If there's a stylish way to jump over barrels, this is it.

She's gliding over them.

That's the Barrel Run cleared. How will she cope on the Monkey Bars?

Cold water crashing onto her. It is slowing her up.

But she's gritted her teeth and made it across.

She's making good time.

Draws breath, leaps onto the Spinner.

It's all about the exit.

She makes... No! She's in the water.

She wasn't properly set. Slid straight off.

Composes herself now and makes for the dash across the Brusher.

-She gets brushed off.

-THEY GROAN

She's got to climb back up. She must be tired.

She can't afford any more mistakes.

Looking exhausted as she sizes up the trampolines.

She does well there to deaden her bounce.

Now, she's getting ready for the second Launch Pad.

Oh, no! She didn't have the height...and falls backwards.

Can Claire come back from this?

It's going to be a tiring climb.

Back up the trampolines again, onto the first one. There we go.

She's taking a rest here.

No, wait a minute! Disaster! Her foot's caught.

Oh, that's terrible luck!

Brave Claire, though, goes on...

..and makes the final Launch Pad.

Now the final leap for the podium.

She's made that.

She's stopped the clock. But that's not going to beat Aaron.

Claire showed all the tenacity of someone who thought they could win,

but it wasn't to be.

She doesn't know that yet, so it's over to Amanda to reveal tonight's champion.

-I can be proud of what I've done, so...

-We think you were fantastic.

Cow-Man Aaron, I can tell you right now...

She was fantastic all day, but you were quicker! You are the Total Wipeout champion tonight!

Yes! Wooooo!

Oh, well done, Aaron.

HE WHOOPS

So, we have a winner - it's Cow-Man Aaron!

Aaron, Claire and Dan join the ranks of the other Wipeout Zone finalists

to take part in the champion of champions grand final.

But before that, join us next week for some brilliant falls, like this...

..and totally new spills, like this...

I can't wait. From Amanda and me, goodbye.

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