Episode 3 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, South America. 7,000 miles from home, unless you're

watching in metric-vision and in which case it's 11,265 kilometres.

Sounds better in miles! 20 everyday men and women

including a beauty therapist, a referee, and a wrestler

will test their mettle on the world's nastiest obstacle course.

One will win. 19 will lose, and I do mean lose spectacularly.

This is Total Wipeout. Let the games begin!

Welcome to Total Wipeout. It's the journey of a lifetime for 20 brave

souls who are willing to suffer bumps, bruises and humiliation on the path to almost certain failure.

But only one will walk away £10,000 richer and still have the use of all four limbs.

Let's see what the course has in store for the contestants today.

The Qualifier - wet, slippery fun.

The Sweeper - wobbly, spinning and a lot less fun.

And finally, the Wipeout Zone, really quite hard and not much fun at all.

Now, you'll have spotted something missing, that's right health and safety regulations!

But also, there's no Dizzy Dummies this week.

You see, it's not all siestas and chorizo for the Argentinean course designers, oh, no, no, no.

They've been busy knocking up a brand-new obstacle, the Dreadmill.

Imagine two huge demolition balls

swinging from side to side across a couple of giant running machines,

with the control knob ripped off and set to run fast.

At last, a cool name, the Dreadmill.

I can work with that - dread.

Anyway, let's start at the beginning with the qualifier and here comes the first competitor.

He could be a winner, but statistically that's very unlikely.

Meet petrol-head, Gordon, from Swindon.

Word on the street, quite literally, is he can drive anything with four wheels.

My co-host Amanda is at the top of the course with Gordon now,

armed with her usual blend of encouragement and churlish giggling.

Gordon, what is it that you do?

I'm a chauffeur so I pick up lovely people like yourself.

Take them back and forth to the airports on their holidays and business trips.

So you've been preparing for the Qualifier by doing lots of sitting down on your bottom, have you?

Sitting down, beer and pizza.

-AMANDA LAUGHS

-Always a stable diet for fit athletes!

Oh yes, beer and pizza, the breakfast of champions.

The first obstacle Gordon will face is the classic Topple Towers.

Ankle supports and the snorkel could well come in handy here.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-Gordon the Chauffeur is off.

The rarely seen kneeling approach there followed by a drenching.

All is back to normal.

OK, a bit wobbly on the pontoons.

Let's not forget this man does sit down for a living so this a shock.

Hello, Gordon, yes.

On to the Topple Towers. Here we go.

Oh, an unorthodox, but effective technique.

He sort of surfs the towers as they topple. I like his style.

Can we do it again?

Oh, very nearly.

There are no flies on Gordon the Chauffeur unless you count

-the larvae living in that pool.

-Ohh, yeah!

But there will be flies.

So it hop, skip and a hobble to the hydraulic Wall of Hate.

You know it, you love it, it's the Sucker Punch.

Sucker Punch, meet Gordon. Gordon, oh, I see you've already met!

So Gordon must now deal with the four big red balls.

Or more accurately, let the big balls deal with him.

He jumps and oh...

Gordon the Chauffeur almost clears

the second big ball completely there.

It's a good job he's not on the meter,

this would be costing a fortune by now.

Up next, it's the last obstacle.

It's the return of the Lunar Landing.

Simple really, swing on the rope, land on the podium or flail about

and fall in the water. It will be one of the two.

OK.

-Jeronimo!

-First attempt at this.

Doh! There goes his knee.

So close.

Yet so far. 13 feet into the icy water below, to be precise.

Because he failed the Lunar Landing, it

heave on to the final pontoon, and a surprisingly good time of 2:26.

Hang on, he's pointing at Amanda.

How did it feel for you?

SHE GIGGLES

SHE LAUGHS

Whatever. Meet Lucy, a lettings administrator from London.

-So Lucy what have you been doing to prepare?

-Well, I'm a bit of a synchronised swimmer, I used to be.

Falling in the water, I think I'll be all right.

I might give you a little demonstration.

Will you be throwing your routine past the big red balls?

Give us a sneak preview then.

OK.

-That's it.

-AMANDA LAUGHS

That is going to come in SO handy, Lucy, just remember to smile!

I hope she'S a bit more graceful in the water.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-And she's off.

And she's over and she's in. Not a great start from Lucy.

Not a lot of synchronicity in that swim either,

but she's up on the pontoons now.

I like it, grace, elegance, spearmint green shorts

and nifty cornering, too.

On to the Topple Towers and she's across in a flash.

The second set now. Will they defeat her?

No, they barely moved.

This all looks very promising for Lucy.

Prances across the Topple Towers like a nimble little elf.

This is going to take some beating.

You can't beat elves, it's not allowed. On to the big red balls now.

Come on, Lucy.

-You can do it.

-Boing, boing!

Yes.

Oh.

Yeah, that was less boing, boing and more boing sploosh.

What was that?!

Beautiful technique in the water. Boing Boing Lucy has pluck, stamina,

yes, and most importantly her own verruca socks on.

Tarzana, here we go!

Tarzana, there she goes.

Oh and back again now.

Desperate to do more synchronised swimming. There's your chance.

This is what Total Wipeout is all about,

grit, determination and rope burn.

It's straight up on to the finishing pontoon for Boing Boing Lucy,

and she's done and just 12 seconds behind Gordon the chauffeur.

Now here's Dave from Derbyshire.

-AS FRANK SPENCER:

-I've got a bit of trouble.

So what is Dave, an impersonator, a comedian?

HE GROANS AND SHOUTS

Village idiot?

I'm in the presence of holiness here at the top of the qualifier here.

I'm joined by Catholic priest, Father Dave. How are you doing?

Very well thanks, Amanda. Very excited as well.

I'm really looking forward to that mud. It looks great.

Oh, he's a man of the cloth.

I feel bad about the village idiot thing now.

I've got angels wings and I'm going to fly, fly,

-fly around this course.

-SHE LAUGHS

Muhahahahah!

Maybe he's been out in the sun a bit too long.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-They don't wear hats, do they?

In the water on to the pontoons.

It's not dignified, but it's fast.

Topple Towers.

Oh, my god! He's across the first. On to the second set.

Oh, almost made the second set. The competitors are making light

work of the Topple Towers today, but mark my words, they're not easy.

Some timely advice for the priest, divine intervention is not strictly

banned on Total Wipeout, it's just kind of frowned upon

in the early stages.

OK, he did well on the Topple Towers, but will his

angel's wings really kick in when they're really needed?

You are my friends!

They're not. They're so not!

You see, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

It was a leap of faith, probably too much emphasis

on the faith bit there.

Some balance would have been better.

Come on, Divine Dave, can he be the first priest to lean a land?

Come on, Mr Mushroom.

Mr Mushroom?!

Must be the communion wine talking!

-Here we go.

-Off he goes!

I don't believe it, Divine Dave is truly divine.

He is the first ever to complete the Lunar Landing and in 2:08.

That is astonishing, I don't know what he is doing now,

yes, someone call the bishop or somebody.

Divine Dave had his faith,

but what will these two competitors bring to the course?

Meet Diane from Manchester and Ian from County Durham.

Diane's secret weapon...

-# That's the power of... #

-Yes!

Brilliant, and what about Ian?

I may even levitate. I have been known to.

Levitate? Go on then?

Well, I was dubious, but that's conclusive proof,

I don't need to see his feet and to measure

the power of YES, here's cutting edge technology, the yes-ometer.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-No time to test it. She's off.

It seems to be working perfectly.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can accentuate the positive or just cheat.

So the power of yes getting off to a dodgy start.

It's a sort of not so sure.

Our new toy, I love this.

Yes, Diane, that's more like it.

What about Ian and the power of levitation?

Levitate! Oh, great work over the Topple Towers.

So far no sign of actual levitation going on.

Back with Diane and let's check the yes-ometer.

Run now! The power of yes!

No!

Oh, the yes-ometer never lies.

Let's join Ian the Levitator at the big balls.

So far no sign of any levitation.

Now would be good.

The balls!

To infinity and beyond!

OK.

Yeah, well, to the second big ball and not beyond!

What was he hoping for?

I think he believed he could levitate!

I don't know why I'm watching this bit in slow-motion, oh, we're not.

This is Diane going flat out.

The big red balls.

Let's switch on the yes-ometer.

Oh, yes!

-Yes. Yes.

-We need a lot of yes.

Right. On your marks,

-get set...

-Yes.

-Go.

-Yes! Yes!

-Yes!

-Yes!

Yes!

-No.

-Ooh!

He's done it, Ian the Levitator finishes in 2:40.

And with a little assistance from Eduardo, who is always happy

to say yes, Diane finishes in a modest 12:49.

Next to tackle the Qualifier is assistant pub manager Raymond from Manchester.

He's a man with a dream.

So, Raymond, what would you do if you won the money on Total Wipeout?

Well, I have a Chihuahua called Romeo.

He's called Romeo because we're planning

on buying three more Chihuahuas and breeding them,

and then so if I won the money I'd have Chihuahuas

and build a big Chihuahua mansion for them all to live in.

Excellent! So let's join Raymond half-way around the course

and remember he's doing all this for the love of his Chihuahua, Romeo.

Oh, ooh, lucky miss for Romeo Raymondo there.

He's hanging in there. He could be the first one across.

He could and he is. He's done it.

Romeo Raymondo racing up to the big balls.

He's either fearless or he has no idea what's about to happen.

Still, at 2:16 that's a very good time and Romeo Raymondo

is one step closer to his dream of building a Chihuahua mansion.

So time for the first look at the leaderboard.

Divine Dave is in the top spot,

followed by Romeo Raymondo and Gordon the Chauffeur.

Fourth place goes to Boing Boing Lucy,

and yes, yes, yes, in sixth, it's Diane.

Now, as you know, every week I present a report from the course in Argentina.

The BBC calls this an educational feature.

I prefer to call it a contractual obligation. So here's this week's.

The Total Wipeout course site deserted and not a soul to be seen.

Ordinarily this is where Total Wipeout contestants come

to be interviewed by Amanda Byram, my caring, sharing and occasionally glaring and swearing co-host.

God, it is quiet.

BELL TOLLS

Lonely. What I wouldn't give for someone to talk to,

-just another human.

-BELL TOLLS

These are my dos and don'ts for a successful interview with Amanda.

Don't undersell yourself.

Strengths...erm.

Erm...

-Are you excited about the course today?

-Yeah.

Do you have any particular strengths you can bring to the course today?

Erm...not particularly, no.

Have you been in really hard training?

Yeah.

I think we've covered everything.

Do have a healthy understanding of just how much of your dancing other people might want to see.

Don't forget to have a great anecdote to tell.

-Tell me where you live?

-I live in the woods in a tree house with dwarfs.

I'm going to fly through this course today with the help of my spirit guide, Crystal Veil.

-What team do you play for?

-Glantaf Goats.

# Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew. #

I...don't know what to say to that.

Do pretend to be much fitter than you actually are.

-Are you sporty?

-Yeah, I've done sport most of my life.

-I do ten pin bowling, that's my main sport.

-Is that a sport?

I'm not the last horse in the race, I'm there, I'm the top jockey.

Don't, whatever you do, pretend to be a monkey.

That's an absolute no no.

Eloise, you're a doctor. Is there anything you can take for that?!

Those are my dos and don'ts for a successful interview with Amanda.

I don't care what you lot say, I think she's all right.

So here's Andy from Kent, who seems to have already heeded my advice

by preparing for Amanda with these interesting warm-up exercises.

# I'm going to run, run, run as fast as I can

# You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man

# And when I hit those big red balls

# I'm going to protect the family jewels. #

What a coincidence! That's the face I was pulling

while you were singing. Just the same.

OK.

Let's see if Andy is better at obstacle courses

than he is at songwriting.

Lennon, McCartney, Elton John, Gary Barlow and now Andy.

Finds time to style his hair, a true pop star there.

No Gary Barlow Andy really throwing himself at the Topple Towers.

He was doing so very well.

So in his mind, he's going to run, run, as fast as he can,

but will he bounce, bounce, like a ginger...

I'm going to stop that whole thing now.

Here we go.

Oh, that will be a yes to the bouncing thing definitely.

Oh, it's magnificent in an odd kind of way.

No Gary Barlow Andy really living up to his lyrics.

That was impressive and he's ready for an encore, storming in at 2:23.

So far the fastest times are all very close.

This is proving to be a very quick qualifier.

Up next, Charlotte, 19, a drama student from Crawley in West Sussex.

Are you physically capable of taking on this course today, do you think?

-I think I am. I'm quite flexible, so...

-Like what?

Well, I can pick a penny up off the floor.

Well, I can do that.

No, I can't do it like that.

Charlotte if that doesn't get you across the big red balls, then absolutely nothing will.

So Piggy Bank Charlotte approaches the balls.

Let's see who the real money is on.

She looks fit and ready for it.

Come on, Charlotte.

Yeah. Ow.

She never stood a chance with all those coppers in her pockets!

Piggy Bank Charlotte finishes the qualifier with a time of 2:40

and 76 pence in loose change!

This is Tony the Enforcer. He is a Police Community Support Officer.

And Emma, another enforcer.

She's a Safe Communities Officer.

Together they are Yorkshire's frontline for crime and minor disturbances.

Jazz hands.

Did she just say Jazz hands?!

She did. And they're off.

Oh, innovative stuff from Emma.

-I'm not physically designed for this.

-Go, Tony.

Not great on the Topple Towers. Let's just hope these two never

have to chase a baddy over an obstacle course.

Not this particular one anyway.

Enforcer Tony on the Sucker Punch.

Learning who's boss.

So it's the Enforcer facing the big balls.

And if this was a high jump competition,

the Enforcer would have cleared it.

But it's not, it's the big balls and he missed.

OK, the other enforcer needs to be decisive here.

Mentally preparing herself.

No, no, this way, Emma.

Yeah, a bit more preparation.

There's quite a lot of preparation there.

I'm making myself ball-shaped.

You can be too prepared. Come on Emma, we haven't got all night!

Yeah, sorry, my mistake,

she did need a bit more preparation actually.

Tony and Emma both managed to finish.

Emma in 6:38, Tony in a very competitive 2:51.

HE SHOUTS What?!

Here's Ricky. He has a bachelor of science in biochemistry

and he spends all day recruiting experts

for clients in the pharmaceutical industry.

-Boring.

-I'm going to smash this Wipeout course all up!

When you watch me, you believe the hype and you better witness the fitness!

Hang on, have I got the right guy here?!

I see he does a bit of wrestling in his spare time. He's big.

-He's strong. What's he doing with Amanda?

-SHE SCREAMS

It's a good job for Ricky I'm not down there, I'd sort him out.

Here's Unassuming Ricky.

His opponent today - the Total Wipeout qualifier.

-You can see the strength...

-Come on!

-..if not the grace.

-Come on!

Oh, body slams the Topple Towers.

Quick gun show there, not necessary.

How will the wrestler cope with the boxing gloves?

This is a new discipline for him.

Where's your tag team, partner, when you need one?

Let's see how Ricky tackles the big red balls?

-These balls ain't nothing!

-Yeah, that's Ricky, unassuming as always.

They are. You see, they are.

-A walk in the park.

-The final Lunar Landing,

will it be smack-down or splash down? Oh, oh.

So Unassuming Ricky finishes in a very fast 2:17. Yes!

Who's this?

Ah, it's the man in the black who strikes fear into the hearts of us all.

Meet Dan, the football referee.

He's terrifying.

I'm a referee. I don't take any nonsense on the pitch

and I'm not taking any nonsense from this course. I'm going for it.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Well, you did take a bit of nonsense from that pontoon, didn't you Dan?

There will be a lot of very happy footballers out there right now.

Cheat! He dived!

No one wants to see a referee get hurt,

certainly not in slow-motion so you catch every detail.

Come on, guys, let's move on.

And now, for once, let's see how a referee celebrates.

Oh, yeah.

The old Kevin Costner.

So Red Card Dan jumps straight to the top of the leaderboard with

an impressive 2:05, while his holiness Divine Dave

is three seconds behind.

Down the board, and Unassuming Ricky has knocked both No Gary

Barlow Andy and Gordon the Chauffeur down a peg or two.

Followed by Boing Boing Lucy, the top woman so far in seventh place,

and look Piggy Bank Charlotte is level with Ian the Levitator.

Finally, on to Enforcer Tony who,

despite a heroic run, finds himself near the bottom of the ladder.

This man calls himself Mr T.

Actually it's Paul Treasure from Dudley who works in IT.

He's come to show the big balls who's boss.

Let's go.

That's not part of it. This is.

-Oh.

-Not quite part of the A-Team anymore, are you Mr T?

Mr T finishes in 3:02 with a nasty injury to the bandanna.

Rachel from Swansea can help.

She's a physiotherapist. They do bandannas, don't they?

Let's see how she copes.

She's holding up well so far - no, not at all.

Rachel went on to finish in 4:28.

Citizens of Great Britain, prepare yourselves for one of

the greatest athletes this country has ever produced.

Les, hailing from Boston, Lincolnshire.

Les has competed at international level and won loads of medals.

-What kind of stuff have you competed in?

-Well, last year I competed

in the European Championships. I was reserve for the 100 meters.

I was reserve for the 400 meters relay team and I was in the semi-finals for the 200 meters.

Yeah, that is the European Veterans Championship.

Les, our international sportsman. We should be in for a treat here today.

Les, determined, athletic, graceful.

And ready.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-He's away.

Where's he gone?

OK, so a slippery start for him there. He's on. He's on.

Les looks focused now.

Wow, 55-year-old Les is performing like someone half his age.

Make that a third of his age. Look at him go!

None of Les's medals have been in boxing, but that doesn't seem

to bother him because he's nearly - he is across.

Only the second competitor today.

-Surely all those years of veteran experience will help here. Oh.

-Oh!

It did. That's an Olympic standard falling off a big red ball there.

Probably already got a medal for that.

Olympic Les rockets around the qualifier in a blistering 2:14,

-proof that the aged don't always need help.

-Never again!

I only popped out for a paper!

Meet Joseph's mum, Amy, from Newcastle.

Meet Christopher, Matthew and Daniel's mum, Nuala from Manchester

and meet Peter and Mark's mum, Fiona from Glasgow.

It is heart-warming to see how far mums will go to embarrass their kids.

Come on, mums, give it your best shot.

Let's just get it over with.

# Just one look and I can hear a bell ring

# One more look and I forget everything

# O-o-o-oh

# Mamma mia, here I go again

# My my, how can I resist you?

# Mamma mia, now I really know... #

Amy finishes in 3:27.

It was a lot harder than I expected.

Fiona in 4:34.

I hadn't appreciated how much it would suck you dry.

Take away all your energy.

And Nuala's run of 2:49 squeezed her into the top twelve, her boys will be proud.

Christopher, Matthew and Daniel will probably say they could've done that

better than Mummy just did, but you know what, boys, it's tough.

I'm joined here at the top of the Qualifier by Tasha who is a beauty therapist.

Tasha, why are you here today?

I just want to break the stereotype, you know, the typical, maybe a bit

-thick, a bit ditsy and oh I don't know...

-THEY LAUGH

It's not the best start.

I'm going to break this course!

I hope I don't break a nail!

This has got 12 minutes written all over it, in fake tan.

OK.

Yeah, if you want to go and make a cup of tea,

now is probably a good time!

She wants to disprove the stereotype

that beauty therapists are all girlie.

Hang on, maybe I was wrong about Tasha.

That was seriously brilliant. I'm feeling bad now about what I said.

Tasha is tearing over the Topple Towers,

maybe it's something to do with those pink socks.

Tasha and her nails face the Lunar Landing and oh, no.

Tasha misses her landing, but this is a seriously quick run.

She looks like a tough competitor straightaway,

consider those beautician stereotypes eradicated forever.

-They're all intact.

-Maybe not.

19 competitors down, one to go.

The leaderboard is looking tight at the top, but will today's final

competitor have what it takes to make it through to the Sweeper?

And, by what it takes, I mean stamina, skill

and mindless disregard for their own personal safety. Amanda.

So I'm here now at the top of the Total Wipeout course with Comrie who is from Kent.

Comrie, do you have any hobbies that will help you physically on the course today?

I've got lots of hobbies. I have a horse, so I ride most days. I climb.

I'm training for a marathon.

I swim, I cycle. Snowboard.

All right, I shall call her Couch Potato Comrie.

Which of her many skills will she be using first?

Body slamming the pontoon wasn't in that list,

but she's up and away.

Marathon skills on show now and galloping across the Topple Towers.

That's probably a horse riding skill, oh.

This is a fast run.

-I'm going to get you.

-Oh.

A pretty good effort on the balls from Couch Potato Comrie.

She did reach the third ball with her face.

It might be tight at the top of the leaderboard,

but Couch Potato Comrie is definitely going to make an impact.

Oh...

Just! Only the second person to make the Lunar Landing,

that must put her near the top.

-Let's check the leaderboard to find out.

-Oh, wicked!

And there you go, Couch Potato Comrie gatecrashes

into pole position, just one second ahead of red card Dan,

with Divine Dave only three seconds behind him.

Olympic Les edges out Romeo Raymondo and Unassuming Ricky,

both of whom are nearly half his age.

Tasha and her nails make it in at number nine.

Finally a lucky tie for last place between Piggy Bank Charlotte

and Ian the Levitator, both of whom go through.

So as today's triumphant 12 qualifiers march on to the next round to face the fearsome Sweeper,

it's time to say farewell to the eight runners-up, don't you just hate goodbyes?

Anyway, bye.

# Now you know, I can't smile without you

# I can't smile without you

# I can't laugh and I can't sing

# I'm finding it hard to do anything

# You see, I feel glad when you're glad

# I feel sad when you're sad

# If you only knew what I'm going through

# I just can't smile without you... #

So as the eight smile their way out of the competition, it's a barrel

of laughs for the remaining 12 who face potential oblivion

in the Sweeper.

So it's the return of the classic Sweeper,

but the Argentineans have come up with a dramatic twist.

Welcome to the sack race from hell.

Well, it was a choice between this and the egg and spoon race!

The last six will go through to the next round, but the game does

not stop until there is a last man or woman or sack standing.

So standing tall on podiums one and two

are Piggy Bank Charlotte and Tasha and her nails.

Come on girls, we're in it to win it, mind your nails!

On three and four are Boing Boing Lucy and Divine Dave.

I might be wearing blue, but I'm kangaroo, boing.

Yeah, maybe it's a parable.

On podium, five, six, and seven are Ian the Levitator, Olympic Les and Red Card Dan.

..two, three, four, five...

Who's counting the reasons

why he wished he hadn't applied for this show.

On eight and nine, Couch Potato Comrie and Romeo Raymondo.

Ricky, I beat you in the qualifier

and I'm going to beat you on the Sweeper. You're going down, big man.

On a reinforced podium ten, it's Unassuming Ricky.

This Sweeper ain't nothing and none of my competitors are either.

I'm the hype and you better believe it.

OK! On 11 and 12, Gordon the Chauffeur and No Gary Barlow Andy.

Mr Sweeper, it's time for you to brush away my competition. Come on!

Feeling sweepy?

Well, it's time to put a smile back on your face,

it's the Sweeper. Are you all ready?

-ALL:

-No!

-There is no time for indecision.

Three, two, one!

KLAXON SOUNDS

Well, they're off. I've no idea it was even possible to

jump the Sweeper in sacks, but they are. They are.

Lucy wobbles. Oh, no, the Levitator is down.

Where were those levitation skills that Ian told us about?

I'm beginning to think he was lying.

I tried to pull the sack over and it just took my legs away straightaway.

So my powers of levitation have just failed me.

My David Blaine book is going straight in the bin.

Where it will live for 40 days without food or water.

Right, back to the action!

Oh, someone else has gone. It's Red Card Dan, clinging on,

but he must get back up before the Sweeper arm returns or he's out.

Well, rules are rules so it is an early bath for Red Card Dan.

I was so proud of how I did on the Qualifier,

but I was disappointed with myself today that I couldn't

hang in there for a few more rounds. I want to get back

and see my friends and see how they did really.

Friends? Referees don't have friends, do they?

Right, back to the sack dwellers.

Ten left, six go through.

I don't know how they're doing this.

Now remember, that Sweeper arm gets faster and higher

with every revolution. The sacks don't change,

they just keep on making things, well, impossible.

Still on, still on... No, no! Gordon the Chauffeur's gone.

He didn't know whether to hold on to the sack

or protect his face, so he did neither.

Remember only six can go through,

but everyone now hanging on in there.

Just think you're back in school with the sack race.

Come on, hurry up and fall guys. That Argentinean farmer will notice

his sacks are missing when his potatoes are spoiling in the sun.

Oh, Charlotte's gone! Tasha's gone!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

The Sweeper's claimed another two.

Piggy Bank Charlotte first, and then Tasha and her nails.

She didn't break a nail, may have broken her nose.

People thought I wouldn't get through the Qualifier

-so I'm really proud of myself and hopefully they will be too.

-SHE CRIES

Oh, Tasha...

Someone hand her the Total Wipeout tissue please - if it's been dried!

One more down!

Amanda's right, the next one down will be eliminated

by the smallest of margins and by the largest of revolving punch bags.

Couch Potato Comrie has a wobble.

The competition really hotting up.

As are those thick weave hessian sacks, I imagine.

It's still going. The speed of it!

Oh, No Gary Barlow Andy nearly lost his sack there.

Couch Potato Comrie is down.

She's got to get up before the Sweeper returns

and keep hold of that sack.

No, today's fastest qualifier,

Couch Potato Comrie is out leaving just the final six.

Romeo Raymondo flips into the water first,

followed by Unassuming Ricky who is down for the count.

Once again, Couch Potato Comrie concedes defeat

as bodies drop around her.

I'm absolutely gutted. To go from first

to not even through the next round. Oh, dear.

They're emotional this week. Look Olympic Les takes a tactical jump.

He knows he's safely through and he's not in it for the glory.

So from now on, it is just for pride. Only Divine Dave,

No Gary Barlow Andy and Boing Boing Lucy left.

Oh, look and he's down. They're all down.

The Sweeper has tidied things up nicely

and last man standing I think was Divine Dave.

I do hope No Gary Barlow Andy didn't damage

his vocal chords with that face plant.

Oh, I wouldn't to impair that beautiful singing voice.

Boing Boing Lucy has definitely lost her bounce, but it doesn't matter.

She's the only woman through to the next round,

and finally Divine Dave has fallen to his knees.

Someone's answered his prayers though, he's the last man standing.

I was so excited and I feel all that experience I had practicing

computer games with a big monkey jumping over barrels was fantastic.

So obviously, in conjunction with a healthy lifestyle, sometimes

computer games can really work and I think this one did.

Right, well God moves in mysterious ways while Divine Dave just TALKS

in mysterious ways, but he is safely through to the next round.

So what is the next round?

Well, this is the moment I have been waiting for.

A brand-new terrifying obstacle for Total Wipeout.

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls, Mum, brace yourself for the Dreadmill.

Now, sit tight, here's how it works.

The six remaining competitors have been split into three heats.

Within each heat two competitors go head-to-head

on industrial sized treadmills.

Is that too easy for you? OK, as promised let's throw in

a couple of giant demolition balls powered by grumpy Argentineans.

As the round progresses these demolition balls will swing lower

and lower until they demolish the runners.

If, or rather when the competitors get knocked down,

they've got just seconds to scramble

back to their feet before they spat out into the pool of despair.

So the first to take a dip in each heat is eliminated leaving the three

finalists who qualify for the Wipeout Zone.

Got it? Here is a quick reminder of who will be facing that

heady mix of demolition ball, grumpy Argentinean and fast moving rubber.

With the money, I'll have Chihuahuas and build a big Chihuahua mansion.

Chihuahuas love him and he loves them. It's Romeo Raymondo.

I'm coming to get you!

The Usain Bolt of the veteran athletics scene, Olympic Les.

I only popped out for a paper.

The woman who's coined the new Total Wipeout catchphrase,

boing boing, it's Lucy.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

His name's Andy and he's no Gary Barlow. It's No Gary Barlow Andy.

I'm going to smash this wipeout course right up!

The wrestler who hasn't faked his way here, Unassuming Ricky.

I must confess I didn't think he would make it this far,

it's Catholic priest, Divine Dave.

So, how do they decide who goes against who?

Well, this is pretty complicated, so pay attention.

They put all the names in Eduardo's hat and pulled them out.

Here's who got drawn first.

The first battle is between Romeo Raymondo and Olympic Les.

This is going to be a corker.

I'm terrified about being drawn with Les. I think he's the favourite.

I'm certainly going to beat Ray. I want to get through

to the Wipeout Zone, I always wanted to.

It must be at least eight weeks I've been watching it on television

and I want to get to do it.

Yeah. Amanda, now stood a safe distance from those demolition balls

raring to get things under way.

Three, two, one! KLAXON SOUNDS

So the Dreadmill gets switched on for the very first time

and great news, it works!

It didn't short circuit, catch fire or anything.

All the boys have to do now is stay between those red markers.

Taking it easy now, but that's all going to change with the klaxon.

KLAXON SOUNDS

There it is. The klaxon means two things,

firstly that those terrifying demolition balls

have started swinging and secondly that Olympic Les

and Romeo Raymondo now require clean underwear.

The pressure is on.

Starts off slowly, but believe me, it's going to get much, much faster,

if you can believe the bloke who built it.

Romeo Raymondo looks very much aware of the demolition ball.

Olympic Les looking more relaxed.

They're swinging lower and lower now.

Both competitors doing some serious ducking.

I'm trying to make this sound very, very serious. It's ridiculous.

Remember only one is going through to the final so any stumble

could spell an end to their Total Wipeout dream of winning £10,000.

Oh...

Oh! Romeo Raymondo is hit and he's down and he needs

to get up very quickly to avoid the water. He's up.

He's up. Oh, he has been hit

again and he's into the water this time.

So Olympic Les is the oldest competitor ever to go through to the

Wipeout Zone, but Romeo Raymondo is out, his Chihuahua will be gutted.

That was so scary. That was terrifying.

You were up. You got back up again.

I got back up and I don't know what happened actually.

-It's a bit of a blur now.

-One heat down, two to go.

The next draw sees Boing Boing Lucy go head-to-head with No Gary Barlow Andy.

I'm representing the ladies out there. I'm the last girl

in the competition at the moment. I'm just going to give it my all

and go for it and knock him out.

She's really fit. She keeps herself in great shape and I don't know.

I'm just going to keep my cards close to my chest.

Only one of these two can make it through to the Wipeout Zone,

which one will it be?

KLAXON SOUNDS

They're off.

Well, No Gary Barlow Andy and Boing Boing Lucy

look evenly matched at the moment.

Both equally determined not to get knocked down.

Lucy is losing momentum already.

If ever there was a good time

to have eyes in the back of your head, it would be now.

The demolition balls forcing the competitors

to duck lower and lower now.

Who will be the first to get hit and will it be funny?

Remember, they must both remain in the centre of the treadmill.

No sprinting forward and cheating.

You have to stay between those lines.

I don't imagine that's much fun.

SHE SPEAKS INAUDIBLY

Don't stop and talk. Oh, that was a heavy blow

to Boing Boing Lucy, she's over, but what a recovery.

Oh, she's taken a knock.

Get up Lucy, come on.

She's spinning round like a top and she's in the water.

That means that No Gary Barlow Andy is through to today's final.

Well, he's happy.

Boing Boing Lucy took a big knock, never really recovered.

She's out of the competition.

When you fell, you got back up so brilliantly, what happened the second time around?

Oh, I just don't know. It just got that little bit faster, I think.

And little Lucy tried to do it, but... I'm so happy anyway.

It's been really good fun.

So to the final Dreadmill heat, it's Divine Dave versus Unassuming Ricky.

I reckon this is definitely a David and Goliath situation and we all know what happened in that story.

My chances against the priest are the best chances out of anybody in this game. He's a nothing.

I don't even know his name. I don't even want to know his name.

Yeah, you're watching Total Wipeout,

the only show on TV where you will see a Catholic priest and a wrestler

running side by side on giant treadmills

whilst being buffeted by giant demolition balls.

Both men seem to be having fun at the moment. It's nice.

But that's about to change. Two contenders,

one remaining spot in the Wipeout Zone, who will seize it?

Ricky was not expecting that.

Both looking relaxed.

Unassuming Ricky particularly seems to have found his stride.

Divine Dave now looking a bit worried.

Remember these guys are two of today's fastest qualifiers

and Divine Dave was the last man standing in the Sweeper.

Still going head-to-head. It's a battle royal,

but there is only room for one of them in the Wipeout Zone.

Nice shorts, Dave.

Divine Dave takes a graze,

but he's down and scrambling to get back up again.

The Dreadmill dragging him back quicker and quicker.

He's really scrambling with everything he has.

He's in the water.

Divine Dave is out and Unassuming Ricky

is the third and last finalist to go through.

A little stumble was all it took.

Once Divine Dave was down, he really struggled to get going again.

He puts up a real fight, but in the end the Dreadmill always wins.

That was painful to watch.

-You were down on your knees and you were praying.

-I was!

-What happened?

Scrambling. It took me by surprise, it was so big that large thing that came from the sky.

-Evil?

-Evil, wicked, dark, look how dark it looks, even now a shadow casting over us.

Today's three finalists are Olympic Les, No Gary Barlow Andy and Unassuming Ricky, but there can

be only one winner and so as night falls and the temperature drops, the competition reaches boiling point.

Does that work? I might have overcomplicated... OK.

Here's how the finalists made it this far.

I don't think I've really surprised myself in getting to the final.

I was always secretly confident that I was going to get here.

It's a spectacle and I like to be the centre of it.

There's going to be people watching me everywhere

and I want them to look and admire and witness the fitness.

One is 30 years younger man me and one is 20 years younger than me.

What am I doing here?

I can't have a granddad beat me.

Who wants a granddad to beat him?!

His mental state is amazing.

The guy is so experienced that, yeah, he's definitely one to watch for.

I'm extremely competitive. When I walk the dog, I want to beat him

to the end of the road, yes I'm that sort of guy.

I want to absolutely smash them in the final.

I don't want it to be close. I want to get a great score.

I want it to be a landslide. I want to embarrass the other two.

I've tried to be the joker in the pack throughout this

whole competition, but it's time to see serious Andy now.

An old man can win Total Wipeout and I'm here to prove he can.

What a line-up, the oldest competitor ever to enter the Wipeout Zone, a wrestler who's going to

burst if he gets anymore hyped up and the greatest singer/songwriter since Mozart.

This, I have to see, but first what will they be facing in the Wipeout Zone?

So three brave competitors and ahead of them, for starters, it's a heart stopping slide down killer surf.

And then to cleanse the pallet, a short swim and the Barrel Run.

Now the main course, an arm-aching swing across

the monkey bars followed by the stomach churning Spinner.

For dessert, the competitors must face the Brusher and then the launch-pads before it's coffee

and mints at the finish podium where the clock finally stops.

Two contestants are about to zone out, but one will zone in as the Total Wipeout champion.

It's the Wipeout Zone and Ricky is at the start line.

I told you to believe the hype, now witness the fitness.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-Actually, I'm witnessing the wetness

as is Unassuming Ricky any minute now.

He's in.

Looking strong on the swim to the Barrel Run.

Unassuming Ricky wrestles slow moving, dense objects

for a living so these barrels should be no problem.

He's on to the run.

He jumps one.

He jumps two.

Oh, no, he's slipped. He's over now.

This is costing him time. Get up.

Get up.

Barrel one, Unassuming Ricky, nil.

Those barrels weigh 50 kilogrammes each.

This is a very slippery surface.

It's a miracle he even stayed on. Up he gets.

Oh, no, he's over again, but the crowd is right behind him.

Go Unassuming Ricky.

He's cleared the run, on to the monkey bars now.

This requires arms of steel and a vice-like grip.

-ALL:

-Go Ricky! Go Ricky!

-That's not helping.

That is though. He's on.

He's staying on. He has done it.

A clean run at the Spinner and this could be a very fast time.

He's on to the Spinner,

as we now know getting off is the difficult bit.

It's all about the timing, choosing his moment.

He's gone for it. Oh, no!

Everything now is just so slippery out there.

-That's cost him.

-Come on, baby.

Up the ladder.

And then he faces the Brusher.

-Come on!

-He's always got something in reserve for the crowd.

He's a real showman.

Oh, he's off again. He was looking good there too.

It's so sudden.

He may have fallen a couple of times,

but this is still a quick run.

Just the launch-pads to go before the podium and stop the clock.

The clock is still ticking, but it's not bad. Keep going!

One launchpad down, focus...

Unassuming Ricky, focus.

He's on to the second one. He composes himself.

He's jumped. He's done it!

Unassuming Ricky has finished strongly.

The benchmark has been set.

Remember, he doesn't know his time yet so let's go to Amanda.

Your wrestling name is Ricky the Hype, do you think that performance

-was in anyway hyped, or do you think it deserves praise?

-It's all right.

I can tell you right now that your time was 2:45.

I feel beautiful, baby, beautiful.

Yours is the time to beat, but our next competitor is Andy.

Wipeout Zone, it's time for me to pay you a visit.

-Come on!

-KLAXON SOUNDS

But will the Wipeout Zone return the favour, No Gary Barlow Andy

and pay you £10,000?

You will need to beat 2:45 to be in with a chance.

Well, he's in the water and swimming strongly for the Barrel Run.

A bit wobbly on the beam.

Don't forget this next obstacle has just floored a wrestler

so how will the pop star fair?

This boy can jump barrels.

That is how to do the Barrel Run.

More of this and No Gary Barlow Andy

is going to beat Unassuming Ricky's time.

On to the monkey bars now. Smart move, No Gary Barlow Andy's

reached out as far as possible before he stepped off the platform.

He's tearing through this course.

The Spinner now, this can make or break a Wipeout Zone run.

He's on.

Now he's got to jump off and he's missed his first chance to do that.

Will he take the second as he comes round again?

So much hangs on this next move. He goes for it and yes

by the skin of his teeth and his right knee, he clings on.

Just the Brusher and the launch-pads to go now.

This is looking like a winning round.

Here we go on the Brusher. Oh no!

That's a disastrous start to the Brusher.

He lost his footing in a crucial moment

so now he faces a swim to the ladder and a climb up for the launch-pads.

Andy's psyching himself up for the final hurdle,

that's the trampoline hurdle,

but it's a hurdle.

Oh, he's on. Absolutely, no idea that at this point,

he's still ahead of Ricky, he doesn't know that.

He's on to the second... No he's fallen short at the second,

that's going to cost him dearly,

quite possibly to the tune of £10,000.

He's got to swim. He's got to climb.

Every muscle in his body must be burning now.

By this stage it really is mind over matter.

He makes the first launchpad.

Now the second. He's on.

It's a short jump to the finish, can he do that?

Any strength left at all?

He's done it but it's not enough.

Remember No Gary Barlow Andy doesn't know his time,

it's over to Amanda to break the news.

That was unbelievable.

You did so well at the beginning of the course and then you kind of faltered at the end, what went wrong?

Balance, out of steam.

I need to hit the gym a bit more.

Well, I can tell you right now that Ricky you were faster, Andy I'm sorry, you're not going through.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-Olympic Les is all that stands

between Unassuming Ricky and that £10,000 prize.

Not that he knows that.

Can the oldest Wipeout Zone competitor

beat the 24-year-old wrestler?

Don't forget that Olympic Les is a champion athlete.

He has swum to the beam. He's on.

This is greased and as slippery as, well, it's possible to imagine.

Up on to the Barrel Run.

It will be hard to better No Gary Barlow Andy's pace on this.

Let's not forget Unassuming Ricky came unstuck here.

Olympic Les though springs over the barrels without even breaking sweat.

The crowd love it.

Now the monkey bars.

-Yes!

-Oh, one arm.

He's in trouble. He's in the water. Olympic Les dropped like a stone.

That's going to damage his time straightaway.

But veteran athlete, Olympic Les, digs deep and he is back up and

across in no time, on to the Spinner now. He's on.

Les looking tired now.

Taking a breather. He's going to have to make his jump soon.

Maybe this time. Here it comes.

He jumps, but...

Oh, he can't hang on. He's off.

I really thought he was safely on then, but gravity

and the slippy life jacket

just got the better of Les.

So the Brusher, someone's got to do it. Someone's got to. Oh...

A knowing smile from Unassuming Ricky.

Nevertheless, Les digs deep once again.

He's experienced enough to know just keep going.

All hope of winning the £10,000 has evaporated now.

Come on, he's on to number one.

Now we've got number two launch pad.

He leaps.

He's up.

Come on, Les. Superb effort from the veteran athlete.

Now a leap to the podium and he's finished.

He has, well done, Olympic Les.

Thank you.

-I know that you have said that you generally beat people half your age, Les?

-I do, indeed.

Well, unfortunately, not tonight because Ricky Martin you are still

the reflection of perfection, the Total Wipeout champion!

Come on, baby. Wooh!

Well done, Ricky.

So wrestler, Unassuming Ricky has lived up to the hype and become Tonight's Total Wipeout champion.

Don't forget this won't be the last time we see Ricky, Andy and Les.

All three will return to take part in the series final

where we will crown the Total Wipeout series champion.

Time's up for me, but I'll see you next time for some brand-new

obstacles like this...

And some new Wipeouts like that.

In the meantime, it's goodnight from Amanda and me.

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