Episode 2 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, the vibrant heart of South America.

An elite band of intrepid men and women, including a lorry driver,

a prison officer and a professional face painter

have been sent to Argentina. Their mission?

To use all their reserves of courage, strength and guile

to overcome the greatest, most terrifying

and completely Argentinian obstacle course in the known world.

Let the games begin.

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

A brave band of Brits are here to fight tooth and nail

for a £10,000 cash prize and the title of Total Wipeout Champion.

But in their way are four rounds of pain and mud

and spinning and falling off stuff.

I honestly don't know why Jeremy Paxman turned this job down.

This is how today's contest is going to work.

The Qualifier. It takes guts.

The Sweeper. It takes necks.

Dizzy Dummies. It takes your self respect.

And the grand final, the Wipeout Zone.

It just takes the mickey.

If, as a Total Wipeout contestant, you should hurt yourself,

and they pretty much all do, the person you need on hand is a medic,

or an ambulance driver. A plumber with a bag of plasters.

What you get on Total Wipeout is Amanda Byram,

with a GCSE in fun-poking.

so let's join her at the top of the Qualifier, with the first victim.

I said "victim", that came out, didn't I? I said that then.

So Tori, our lass from Newcastle, joins us now.

You're about to take on the wrath of the Qualifier.

Has anybody given you any advice on how to tackle this course?

Yeah, my brother has gone through everything with me in depth,

particularly the Sucker Punch wall

and his best advice for that was just to take the punches.

SHE LAUGHS

So your brother doesn't really like you then, does he not?

This is his dream come true!

This for all the Geordies! I'm gonna make ye's proud!

So, Tori's first obstacle is brand new on Total Wipeout.

She'll have to cross two treacherously slippy logs

while being hosed down by high-pressure water jets.

The Argentinians have cleverly labelled it "Log Off".

So it's a trip down the ramp for 31-year-old Geordie lass Tori

and she's straight into this first obstacle

our first contestant to have a go.

She looks a little bit wobbly.

I'm not surprised, this does look...

Oh! It's tricky. It is tricky.

She looks like I look on Saturday night.

If only I could think of some metaphor

to describe how easy it is to fall off...these logs.

So it's a short journey to the pontoon.

Pon-toon army! You see? OK.

Remember, time is everything here

so let's see if Tori can do this one a little bit better.

Oh. No.

Yeah, that wasn't good.

Don't worry, Tori. Next up is the Sucker Punch. So vicious,

it's like nailing 11 Ricky Hattons to a wall.

This is the moment Tori's brother has waited a lifetime for,

so let's see if she can avoid ending up in that Newcy Brown.

Yes.

Oh, ho, ho!

Yeah.

Ho. If you missed it, Tori's brother,

here it is once more.

And again. And again. And again.

Yeah. Every detail.

The clock is still ticking and the Newcastle lass needs to haul herself

out of that mud if she wants to qualify for the next round.

Come on, Tori, you can do it!

Yes, come on!

Don't worry, Tori, you still have time

to make your Geordie comrades proud of you...

on these.

It's the Big Balls.

What will a Geordie do, faced with these?

I am knacked!

-Yeah!

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-Right...

-Calming thoughts.

-..Now then.

-Yes.

Preparing...

Ooh, a run up. Good sign.

-Woo!

-Ooh!

I have to admit that wasn't quite what we had in mind.

I imagine it's probably everything Tori's brother's been dreaming of.

It is time for a Total Wipeout first.

Tori is the first competitor to attempt the Lunar Landing.

As a tribute to early space pioneers,

they've created something that will mimic the pin-point accuracy

of the Apollo space missions.

Imagine firing three men in a cigar-shaped tube

at a small rock a quarter of a million miles away.

Well this is harder.

Oh dear me.

It's one small swing for man,

one giant face smash for Tori!

-Ow!

-Wow!

Yeah, that's Geordie for "Ow".

Tori demonstrating why the Geordie space program

never really got going.

So, having failed to be the first human

to set foot on the Lunar Landing,

Tori drags herself on to the pontoon and the clock stops, showing 4.17.

Will that be fast enough?

Next up, epic twin combinations don't come much bigger than this.

Here come Dan and James from Hull.

Sorry, no. Um, James and Dan.

Or is that Dan? Anyway, they're from Hull!

I'll take you down to Chinatown and I'll be driving the rickshaw.

Givin' it all this!

-Let the course do the talking!

-Oh, the course will decide.

All I can say to you boys is may the best twin win.

BOTH: That'll be me then!

Up first is Dan.

I think. There's massive rivalry between these two,

but who will come out on top as they approach the Log Off?

Micro-biologist Dan is five minutes older than his twin

Oh! Right now, 100% more underwater.

Here's James.

And... Oh, same place! Spooky!

That's exactly what Dan did!

Yeah. So it's neck-and-neck as we approach the Sucker Punch.

So it's neck-and-neck as we approach the Sucker Punch.

One of them just got punched!

-A pattern emerging here.

-Yeah.

-On to the Big Balls now.

-Balls!

-And it's Dan.

Great work!

-Please, James, just do SOMETHING different.

-Come on!

Yes!

OK, I'm beginning to see these guys really are identical twins.

Will Dan be the first human twin to set foot on the Lunar Landing?

No. No, he won't.

OK, I'm going to take a wild guess that James will also swing forwards,

miss the podium then miss it again on the way back

and fall in the water.

See? I'm getting good at this.

Now, let's go over to Amanda and see who was quicker.

-I know which one of you was faster!

-Oh!

-She knows!

-Do you want to know?

-Yeah, I wanna know.

-Dan, you were faster!

-Oh, yes!

Someone check the clocks

because there's been some kind of terrible mistake.

Next up is 24-year-old Harriet from London.

Harriet's middle name is Lettice.

Out of interest, mine is Salad Nicoise.

Harriet, are your family back home all really supportive of you?

My grandma is supportive of me. Thank you, Grandma!

Obviously your granny hasn't seen the show.

Harriet's hobbies include drawing, reading

and explaining to people why her middle name is Lettice.

I think she needs a rinse.

Ooh!

Ooh! Oh, no, it's slidey!

Don't worry, Harriet's grandmother, that's not facial hair,

it's just her lucky mud beard.

And, as you can see, Harriet looks really happy.

-This is what I came for!

-Why she looks so happy,

I'm not entirely sure because this next bit is incredibly dangerous.

-Oh, my God.

-Yes.

-Oh, my God!

-Yes. Well, go on.

Yes, go!

Yes!

Enough with the preparation already.

Yes! Ooh. Oh.

Ooh!

SHE SQUEALS

Oh, she's shaved the beard. More of a sort of goatie now.

OK, up the ladder.

Come on, Harriet!

Right, the Lunar Landing.

Come on, Harriet, I want to see somebody land this thing today.

Could it be you?

Think you might need to stand up for this one, Harriet.

OK.

Oh!

That wasn't quite right!

SHE LAUGHS

Was that quite right? I'm not sure.

Anyway, little gem Harriet reaches the pontoon in 6.33.

-SHE SQUEALS

-Yes!

Finally!

Maybe Harriet should have entered her gran instead.

But, to put it scientifically, the Qualifier is chuffing hard.

In his book, The Origin Of Species,

Charles Darwin ascertained that through natural selection,

only the 12 fastest competitors will make it through to the next round

Well, it's not exactly what he ascertained

but it's what he was getting at. Anyway, let's crack on!

Meet Carol, she's an assistant martial arts coach.

Meet Paul, he's a lorry driver.

And Fiona, she's a prison officer.

What do all these three have in common?

They seem to think that Total Wipeout is some kind of jolly.

Well, Carol, Fiona and Paul,

I don't think the Argentinians are going to like that.

Here I come! Dig deep! Come on, you can do it!

OK, balls. I'm here, let's go.

THEY GASP

What a killer!

-Oh, my God.

-I'm done.

Um, it's just a guess, but I think she's knackered.

Meet Cris, originally from the Philippinesand Steve from London.

They're both really hard.

Ooh. My money's on Cris.

Get ready for thriller from Manila!

-What?

-I think he said he's the thriller from Manila.

So, prepare to be thrilled.

Cris now lives in Northumberland

He's a lifeguard, a gym instructor and has a black belt in karate.

All of which make Cris really hard.

I'm 45 years old, right?

Never too old, never too old. Just keep going, man!

Yeah, keep going, Cris.

Well, go on then, go.

Oh, dear.

Never mind, we still have Steve,

who's being bothered by an Argentinian wasp.

Now, Steve's a stage combat tutor,

so let's see how he fares against Amanda.

Let's see what you're made of.

Oh, you're too good!

Yeah, never drop your guard when Byram's about.

Lesson learned. And Steve's off!

Wow!

Steve has said if he wins Total Wipeout he'll buy a new car.

If he carries on like this he's gonna get one. Great balance.

Oh, and he's the first over the Log Off today

That is amazing stuff

Oh! Surely he should've blocked that.

Come on, Stevie!

On to the balls. Come on, Steve.

Oh. This is looking good.

Oh! As well as being a combat tutor, Steve is a Thai boxer

and using some of that finely-tuned balance, he's on to the third ball.

Come on, Steve! Grip!

Oh, no! I thought he had it.

Despite nearly being the first person this series

to cross the balls,

Nearly Steve storms through the Qualifier

with an amazing time of 1.36.

Let's take a first look at the leaderboard.

So, Nearly Steve is in first place,

Karate Cris and Paul are in second and third on 2.35 and 3.13

Tyneside Tori is in fifth.

And Harriet Lettice is just hanging in there in ninth out of nine.

Only the fastest 12 will qualify.

Will this next contestant be one of them?

I'm joined now by the lovely Tom from Gloucestershire.

Tom, how are you?

I'm really excited.

How excited are you?

Um, mega excited. I'm ready to go.

Tom is excited.

Do you think you have what it takes to get through the Qualifier, Tom?

Yes. I think I have no fear of this at all. No fear.

Tom has no fear.

His surname is Ireland, his middle name is Danger.

I'll call him Tom Danger Ireland.

So, straight on to the Log Off.

And... Well, he barely logged on.

Brilliant mid-air run, though. If you were wondering

about the goggles, so am I.

Maybe it's some kind of danger thing.

Come on, Tom. Oh, come on. Oh, yes!

Well, he's made it across.

On to the Sucker Punch now.

Please, Sucker Punch, don't get my little Tom.

Oh! So nearly! That's the best we've seen today.

But will he be afraid of the Big Balls?

Tom is a rock climber. He can speak Mandarin.

But can he see through those goggles?

Might help!

Will he be afraid of the Big Balls?

Will he see them?

TOM YELPS

No!

Only Tom Ireland could take the Big Red Balls just like that.

That's Danger Ireland to you, Amanda.

Remember, this man has no fear.

Much like those early pioneers who conquered the vastness of space.

Can he swing on a rope and land on a pillar? No.

No, no, no. Ah! Ee!

HE WAILS

Argh!

Oh! Well, that wasn't quite the ending

we were looking for. Still no sign of any fear from Danger Ireland.

And a fabulous time

of 2.25.

I think we'll be seeing more of him.

Woo!

Done it.

So far on the Qualifier, not a single competitor

has made it over the Sucker Punch.

But things could be about to change.

SHE ROARS

See what I mean?

Tough girl Lisa hails from Wales

and plays rugby. She's a hooker.

She could be just the person to defeat the Sucker Punch.

Come on Lisa, for every last Welsh man, woman and child.

For the land of our fathers. Scrum down, Lisa.

Touch, pause, engage.

Oh, dear.

Ouch!

Never mind, we've got another sporty girl.

Rachel is a 22-year-old gymnastic coach from Sussex.

Surely, she's nimble enough to get past the wall.

Oh. No.

Maybe her balance and agility

will help her be the first person this series

to make it across the Big Red Balls.

Oh.

Gymnast Rachel perfectly illustrating

that even the most finely tuned of athletes

can fall foul of the Big Balls.

Let's try another.

Meet sporty girl number three. Alice.

She may be small but she does have one big advantage

over her fellow competitors.

I'm a rock climber, we're tough.

You're a rock climber.

Well the key will be for you not to PEAK too soon!

And we're off!

We're still waiting for a plumber to fix that pipe there.

Good girl!

And demonstrating that climber's balance perfectly on the Log Off.

And she's made it.

On to the Sucker Punch now.

Here she goes. Rock climber,

Sucker Punch wall... Fingers crossed.

I know mountains tend not to punch back

but surely Everest Alice has the credentials to get past the wall.

She has!

But can she make it over these?

Onto the first. Good start.

Ooh! And the second.

And the third. Got a live one here.

She is on the fourth.

Can Alice be the first person this series to make it across the Balls?

This is incredible. She's made it!

She has made it.

Can she now complete the set by making it on to the Lunar Landing?

No.

Oh well. So close, though.

SHE LAUGHS

That was an incredible run. Everest Alice - what a heroine.

At 1.35, the fastest time so far.

Let's take a second look at the leaderboard.

And what a day for the girls.

Everest Alice is at the summit and gymnast Rachel in third.

Danger Ireland in fourth.

Top Twin Dan in 8th and Fiona is just hanging in there in 12th place.

Meet the oldest female competitor of the day, 54-year-old Sarah.

She's a personal fitness trainer and also practises white magic.

I'm not sure... Did she mean to do that?

We catch up with Sarah on Big Balls.

If you were about to pop out of the room, stick around

as Magic Sarah might just do something magical.

Oh, balls, here you are.

Yep, that could be a spell.

-Is that a cat behind you?

-Come on, Sarah.

Ahh!

Yup, that's a no-show for the magic but there's still the Lunar Landing.

Come on, Sarah. Ooh...

Saw a bit too much there.

Let's move on.

Come on, Sarah. Eye of newt, wing of bat.

Legs of jelly.

With her white magic powers,

it's possible Sarah makes regular trips to the moon,

I'm sure she'll be flying onto the Lunar Landing...

Ohh... At least we know she floats.

There have been times that would have been useful.

Not really magic.

Here with me now, at the top of the course, is Alistair.

Alistair, what is your motivation for being here today?

My motivation is to prove something for all the fat lads in the world.

All those boys who like a bit of pie and chips, gravy, Christmas dinner.

I'm doing it for us. Fat people can do stuff.

Yeah. Here's one that probably shouldn't dance.

OK, Alistair. Come on, the clock's started!

Alistair! Enough dancing, let's go!

Come on, Alistair! GO!

You're gonna regret all of these things! All that! Go!

Yeah, you can just about swing it if you go now.

Yeah, he's in the groove.

Could just be indigestion. OK.

I think we'll come back to Disco Al a bit later.

Whereas most Total Wipeout winners like to spend their £10,000

on bandages, chafe cream and retrospective holiday insurance,

the next two competitors have far grander aspirations.

Meet Katie. She's a professional face painter

and wants to take her children on a dream holiday to America.

I'm loud, I'm great, I'm Combat Kate from Yate!

Meet Gary. He wants to take his children on a dream holiday to Europe.

Camping. In a camper van.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!

And I'm a man so I'm gonna do it! Now!

Yes.

That's it, Gary.

You go for it.

So representing American vacations is Painty Katie,

off to a steady start on the Log Off.

And now, doing it for Europe, here comes Camp Gary.

Ooh, there's nothing in it as we approach the Sucker Punch.

Oh! Gary will have to get used to lying in mud if he's going camping.

Meanwhile, Painty Katie is steaming ahead to the Big Balls.

Go for it! Ready, steady, go!

I don't know what she said there.

Ohh! Come on, Katie!

Looking good!

-Oh!

-AMANDA LAUGHS

Come on, Camp Gary, it's time to prove yourself.

No. Not like that, though.

At this rate, the American dream could be the winner.

Katie's storming the course. All she has to do is land on the cross

to get the fastest time of the day.

Here we go. Yes.

Ooh! Ooh! Yes! No.

-Oh!

-Oh! I don't believe it!

Nevertheless, Katie romps home with a stunning 1.48.

Followed, at a reasonable distance, by Camp Gary,

in 2.13.

So, after that titanic battle,

what have we learned?

Katie will need some ointment for nasty rope burn

and Gary's kids will be spending summer holidays in the back garden.

Again.

Sorry, Gary's kids.

So, just three more to go.

Meet Matt.

He's a communications supervisor from Romford

-and leads an exciting double life.

-Hi, boys!

People say I look like the liquid man out of Terminator, the policeman?

You so do!

I am the machine.

-Hasta la vista, baby. Good luck.

-Terminated.

So, Matt thinks he's robot from the future.

I think we can safely say Matt is not a robot.

He can, however, do this.

HE IMITATES RACE CAR ENGINE

And this.

HE IMITATES AIR RAID SIREN

And this.

HE IMITATES NOVELTY CAR HORN

None of which will help him here.

Or can Matt prove us wrong and show us he is, in fact,

a state of the art, futuristic cyborg?

Come on, the Mattinator.

Aghh!

Never mind. Let's see how Disco Al's doing.

Yeah!

Showing Matt how to do a world-class robot move there.

He's bringing out the big guns! That's the rope!

Not sure I'm comfortable with this one.

Clock is still running.

We'll come back after today's oldest and penultimate contestant.

I'm Super Jeff!

I'm here today...

Let's give Jeff another shot at that.

I'm Super Jeff!

I'm 59¾ and I'm here to prove

that 60 is the new 40!

-Yeah!

-Yes, that went better.

KLAXON

He's off!

Ooh, that wasn't so super, Jeff.

Where is he?

Where's he gone?

Oh, there he is!

Jeff is an ex-prison governor who now makes doll houses

and can do three chin-ups.

He's upside down. He's back again!

The Sucker Punch now.

-Oh!

-Ooh!

Come on, Jeff! You can do it, you're nearly there.

Come on, Jeff, you can do this.

For everyone out there who's ever struggled.

For all of us.

For queen, for country, for you...

I can't think of anyone else.

Nelson Mandela?

For him.

Just the Lunar Landing to go.

Yeah! Making it look easy for all of us.

Jeff now mounting the platform, grasping the rope.

And soaring away. Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No, it's an old man clinging onto a rope.

Jeff may not have landed on the Moon,

but he has landed in the hearts and minds of British people everywhere.

Because, remember, on every street,

in every village, in every town,

there is a Super Jeff.

Just don't surprise them, the shock can...

So, Super Jeff has annihilated the course with a spectacular time

of 4.58. Let's see where that puts him on the leaderboard.

He's just been pipped by Alice, Steve and Rachel...

..Katie, Gary, Tom...

..Cris, Matt, Lisa...

..and Paul, Dan and Tori.

In fact, he's not on the leader board.

Poor Jeff. There's one person left to run the Qualifier

and he finds himself in a slightly odd situation.

Disco Al has been dancing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds,

which puts him outside the top 12.

However, the Argentinian adjudicator loved his moves so much

he's agreed to restart the clock.

Let's hope he doesn't do any more silly disco stuff.

I'm Alistair! I am the Flabiator.

I'm gonna eat this course!

KLAXON

Oh, come on!

-He is my hero!

-No, he's not, Amanda, he's a very silly boy!

I love you, Alistair!

Hope he didn't peak too soon. Come on, Alistair!

Well, he's out of the water, he's up and he's away.

Remember, Tori's currently in 12th place with a time of 4.17,

So he'll have to do this in less time.

Ah!

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Big man meets Sucker Punch meets large mud...

What you're about to see could be nasty.

If he fights back, we're in a lot of trouble. Go on big fella!

Yes! He'll take more knocking off his feet, that's in his favour.

Oh! Yeah, definitely landed there.

Could just be me, but I think the cracks are starting to show now.

Come on! Come on, big man!

Come on, big lad!

Aghh!

It's not an elegant sight but it is strangely moving.

Go on, Alistair!

Come on, Alistair! 4.17 is the time to beat.

Don't let us down now.

Well, it's more yourself you'd let down. Don't let you down.

-Woo!

-Yes.

He's doing it!

He's completely missed them.

Agh!

Yeah. Just a smear down the second one.

He'd only missed the ball!

He did, didn't he?

-Oh!

-Oh!

Ooh! I can see his...

bottom.

Yeah, Amanda...that's a theme for her this week.

Looking for somewhere to park her bike.

Just the Lunar Landing now. Come on, Alistair.

4.17 to beat. Come on, you could just do this.

This way!

You could do this.

Aghhh!

Good grief! Has he left his hands on the rope? No, they went with him.

-Nearly there.

-So it's a swim now to the podium.

This is SO close. Come on! Yes!

Haul yourself up, man!

Yes!

He's done it. In the time it takes to eat his Christmas dinner.

By four seconds, it is incredible.

-Yeah!

-Yeah! That means Disco Alistair has made it into the next round

and deservedly so. I bet his victory dance is really something.

So, Disco Al has edged out Tori and made it into the next round.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was the stuff of legend.

Tapestries will be woven about it and songs composed round campfires.

Alistair must be delighted that he gets to do more exercise now

but before we move on to the next round, let's spare a thought for the fallen.

This is for all the Geordies!

So, it's goodbye to Tyneside Tori.

I can't believe this!

Ciao to Harriet Lettice.

-Come on!

-Au revoir to James, the other twin.

Auf wiedersehen to Fiona.

Adios to Carol.

Arrivederci to Super Jeff.

And sayonara to Sarah.

It's always a sad moment when we say goodbye to the Qualifier Heroes.

Oh, well. Since this show started, the BBC have nagged me

to go to Argentina.

At first it was Argentina, then they said I could go anywhere.

It was just the going bit that really mattered.

So, I went. And I made this report from Buenos Aires

on the do's and don'ts of Total Wipeout.

I'm standing here where so many brave Brits have stood before,

on top of a sweeper podium.

The difference is, they were then smashed off it by Old Faithful here.

Whereas I'm going to be safely lowered off it by ladder.

That's moving. It's not supposed to be.

OK. Fairly quickly then, these are my do's and don'ts for success on the sweeper.

Don't be cocky or sexist.

Or cocky AND sexist.

No bird's gonna beat me! Come on!

That's...still moving. Is that OK?

If you're going to wipeout, do wipeout properly.

That's getting nearer now.

Don't get transfixed by somebody falling off in front of you.

Honestly, can we turn that off now?

Is that gonna stop?

Do jump higher than it's physically possible to jump.

You know what? Don't worry, I can do this.

Yep, cleared it.

Jumped, landed safely. Job done.

So, finally, don't do this.

Let's see if the 12 remaining contestants have heeded any of that advice.

It's time for the Sweeper.

12 start, only 5 will make it through to the next round.

In their way is the relentless Sweeper arm which gets faster and higher with every revolution.

Even after the unlucky seven are eliminated,

the game does not stop until we are left with the last man standing.

Standing tall on podiums 1 and 2 are Nearly Steve and the Mattinator.

You're all Humpty Dumptys and you're all gonna fall.

On 3 and 4, we have Everest Alice...

Tom, you're gonna need those goggles, you'll be in the water first.

..and Karate Cris.

On podium 5, we have Gymnast Rachel.

Hope you don't mind being beaten by a girl, you'll be beaten by another one!

On 6 and 7, we have lorry driver Paul...

..and Rugby Lisa.

Alistair! The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

-You're going down, big boy!

-OK.

On 8 and 9, Danger Ireland.

Is he facing the wrong way?

-Here come the girls!

-And Painty Katie.

On 10 and 11, we have Camp Gary.

Paul, you're going down, ya Southern softie!

And Disco Al.

Lisa, you're going down, short round.

On podium 12, last twin standing, Dan.

It's hard, it's fast and it's really, really sweepy.

It's the Sweeper.

Are you all ready?

I think they're just very scared.

3, 2, 1!

Tom is still laughing in the face of fear.

And we're off.

Slow pace for now. Remember, 12 start, only 5 go through.

Ooh, Gymnast Rachel nearly copping it early.

Oh, Disco Al is the first to fall and who's that?!

It's last twin standing, Dan.

And another one.

They're dropping like flies.

Let's see that debacle again.

First, Disco Al goes down quicker than an all-you-can-eat buffet with a classic divebomb.

The Sweeper's not best for people my size.

It's very unnerving, footing's very dodgy.

It's just SO fast. It's nerve-wracking!

Not for people of any size. Then twin Dan seems to walk off the podium.

Jumped the bar, came down, slipped, fell off.

Lost a shoe!

Still beat my brother, still twin number one!

I'm happy.

Paul looks a bit lonely and tries to join Rugby Lisa on her podium.

So scary! It's unbelievable! I just went back like that and it was all over! In the drink!

Three down, the next four to fall will be eliminated.

The Sweeper arm getting faster now. Who's that?!

It's Everest Alice!

I didn't see that one coming and neither did she, I suspect.

She may have conquered the Big Balls and been fastest in the Qualifier,

-but Alice is out.

-It's so scary. I can't even describe it.

It comes towards you and you don't know what to do.

I don't really do much jumping and climbing.

The next three to fall will be out.

After front-runner Alice's exit, the field is now wide open.

So, the remaining eight are Steve, Matt, Cris, Rachel,

Lisa, Tom, Katie and Gary.

Go, Gary!

Ooh, that's Rachel in trouble again.

Camp Gary nearly off too.

It's getting serious now. Just three more.

Come on, Tom, you can do it for me.

Of course, Amanda totally impartial here.

Ooh, Rachel again! I think her days are numbered.

Ooh, it's Nearly Steve!

So nearly, Steve. Oh and Danger Tom! And Camp Gary!

We have the five qualifiers. Nearly Steve gracefully bombs out of the competition,

narrowly avoiding the classic face-plant.

It's scary. Scary. That pad ain't big, it wobbles a lot.

Absolutely gutted, really.

-No new car.

-Next to fall, he showed no fear.

Battled through adversity, he fell in the water.

Danger Ireland is out.

It hits you, you fly down... It was pretty neat, I'm just gutted I didn't jump higher.

I think those goggles are hammered in. Camp Gary narrowly avoids a place in the next round

-by stepping off the podium.

-I just clipped me foot as I jumped like a girl.

There you go, splash down.

So we have the last five.

They are Matt, Cris, Rachel, Lisa... Oh, Lisa's off!

And Katie falls.

Oh and that's Matt!

What a wipeout! It's carnage!

It really is! Rachel swaps podiums to become last woman standing.

Nice one, Rachel!

So the last five to fall started with Rugby Lisa losing her balance.

Painty Katie being weighed down by her fluorescent legwarmers.

And then, well, just utter carnage

as Matt gets completely taken out.

That's gotta be one of the finest wipeouts of the series so far.

Which then leads to one of the most extraordinary endings of any Sweeper.

Cris and Rachel hang out together but Rachel hangs for longer

and swaps podiums to become last woman standing.

Or hanging. Anyway, she won.

I reckon she meant to do that.

Anyway, five contestants remain but we need to lose two more.

It's time for Dizzy Dummies.

Here's how it's going to go.

The remaining contestants will be strapped into that souped-up kiddies' roundabout

and spun for 40 seconds.

They must then attempt to stagger through the stumbling saloon doors

before trying to cross the cylinder run without falling in the water.

If they do, it's a swim back to the start. The last to make it to the other side will be eliminated.

We then do it again but the four remaining competitors face the Crazy Cut Outs and the Crazy Beams.

They must avoid falling in the crazy water or they might not make the crazy final.

Crazy. Then we'll have our three finalists. Got all that?

Sure?

Good.

Let's go down to the course where Amanda is waiting to greet the lucky five.

Here's a recipe for you. Mix five contestants, a super spinny thingy

and some serious obstacles and you've got yourself Dizzy Dummies.

Are you all ready?

Oh, I feel their pain.

3, 2, 1.

So, 40 seconds of hell begins.

Let's remind ourselves of who these lucky, lucky people are.

She plays rugby and she's called Lisa.

It's Rugby Lisa.

She's a face painter and she's called Katie.

I'm loud, I'm great, I'm Kate from Yate!

It's Painty Katie, rope rash balm at the ready.

He thinks he's a robot from the future. It's the Mattinator.

HE IMITATES NOVELTY CAR HORN

But after the Sweeper, he might need a few more metal implants.

The fourth Dizzy Dummy is the thriller from Manila.

It's the thriller from Manila!

Really? It's Karate Cris.

And finally, she does gymnastics and the last woman standing on the Sweeper,

it's Gymnast Rachel.

As the spinner comes to a stop, I bet they wish their stomachs had too.

And they're off. A trip through the stumbling saloon doors

for starters. First, find them.

Gymnast Rachel through first and onto the Cylinder Run.

Looking good. Oh, yes, that's how it's done.

Gymnast Rachel hurtles into the next round.

Matt hurtles into the water.

So it's back to the start for him.

Karate Cris now. Looking good.

Oh, come on, Cris! Oh!

The thriller from Manila joins Gymnast Rachel in the next round.

Brilliant scenes here at Total Wipeout.

Rugby Lisa making a dash for freedom.

Oh, a great scrum down on the cylinder.

The Mattinator skips over Lisa, he looks unstoppable...

but he is, in fact, stoppable. Yeah.

Stopped. That was outstanding.

Right, three left. The next two over will go into the next round

and that's Painty Katie just gone.

Rugby Lisa flying through the saloon doors.

Oh, Lisa! Matt now.

Come on, Matt!

Ooh! Ooh!

And he's through! Just Katie and Lisa remain.

Katie making a dash for it. Come on, Katie!

Oh, she's done it!

Katie is through.

Yeah, baby!

Awww, poor Lisa-a-a.

-Are you really disappointed?

-No. I didn't think I would get this far, it's all right.

-You did well to get this far, Lisa. Well done. Join the others.

-Cheers, thanks.

Right, that was fun. So, let's do it again.

40 more seconds of lovely spinning for Matt, Rachel, Cris and Katie.

One of these four will be eliminated and three will go through to the Wipeout Zone.

Here we go.

They're off towards the Crazy Cutouts.

I feel a bit sick watching them.

Gymnast Rachel first through again.

On to the Crazy Beams.

Is there any stopping this girl?

Ooh! Maybe there is.

What a dive from the Mattinator!

Oh! That's Rachel off!

She'll have to go back to the start.

Karate Cris now going for it.

Ouch!

Oh!

Poor Matt!

Cris hanging in there.

HE SCREAMS

Nice scream. Probably didn't help.

No, he's off.

Gymnast Rachel.

Come on, Rachel.

I think she's getting a technique worked out for these beams now.

Slowly and surely could be paying dividends.

And Rachel's through to the Wipeout Zone.

I wonder who our front runner is today then, eh?

Oh!

Ooh! Karate Cris just clinging on there.

Really hanging on tight.

Oh, and Matt's just terminated a beam!

He actually broke the course.

-Karate Cris is through to the final.

-Thriller in Manila!

So it's between Katie and Matt and Katie is out in front.

Last ditch attempt from Matt!

Has that tumble put him out of the competition?

Yep, it has. Katie's across, Matt is out.

Woo! Woo!

You did a great job. Do you have anything to say to me before you go?

HE IMITATES NOVELTY CAR HORN

SHE LAUGHS

So, we have three finalists for today. For the eventual victor,

£10,000 and the title of Total Wipeout Champion.

For the losers...nothing.

Let's remind ourselves how all three got there.

I did not ever for one moment think

that this would be nearly as hard as it has been.

I've surprised myself so much.

To be in the final feels like complete and utter joy.

45 years old. I never ever dreamed that I can do this.

It would mean so much for me to be the first girl to win Total Wipeout.

It honestly would. I would just be ecstatic.

and it would just make my life.

I would take my two lovely girls to Florida to go to Sea World

and to swim with the dolphins cos they would just love it.

If I win the prize,

because my parents haven't seen my home in England

we can have a reunion, they can have a chance to see my family.

-VOICE CRACKING:

-They can hold the children.

Tonight I'm gonna give it everything I've got

and I'm just gonna go for it as much as I can.

I'm quite quick but I'm very susceptible to making mistakes.

If you make one little mistake, then that's it

and the whole thing's over.

In my head, all the time it's just, "I've gotta do it for my girls."

I'm gonna give my full strength to win this race.

They're gonna be really, really proud of me.

That just goes to show how much victory means to the finalists.

Bit too much?

These three are about to tackle

the toughest most unforgiving obstacle course on the planet...

The Wipeout Zone.

They'll start with a hasty trip down the Killer Surf.

And a short swim to the Barrel Run.

They'll need some serious upper body strength on the monkey bars.

Then it's on to the fast-moving Spinner.

Then it's the vicious Brusher

and the launchpads to the finish podium where the clock stops.

Time now for the biggest Wipeout of them all...

Oh, yeah - it's the Wipeout Zone.

And the first out of the gate tonight is Katie.

Is that fear or concentration? Could be indigestion.

And she's off down the Killer Surf.

Remember, the fastest to cross the Wipeout Zone

will be crowned Champion so the pressure is on from the word go.

Strong swim there to the Barrel Run.

Don't forget, that beam - greased to make it even more slippery.

Oh! She's been taken out!

Oh, no! Oh! Back to the start of the ramp, that's cost her time.

She's a fighter.

Well, let's see her fight her way up that ramp.

Oh, no. Having difficulties again.

But fighting on.

She's at the top. On to the Monkey Bars now.

This is a real strength test, will she pass it?

She's got good upper strength, this one.

Yes! Woo!

Making that look easy and, believe me, it's not.

Nice one, Katie.

On to the Spinner now, she's got to time this to perfection.

Gathering her concentration.

She has to time her leap and land on the platform.

Oh, she's off!

Just jumped too late.

That's cost Katie more time. She was looking so strong up there

but just missed the landing platform.

Now a test of balance and speed on the Brusher.

Oh, brilliantly executed.

Now the Launch Pads.

Onto the first.

She's jumping very high.

And the second. Hang on, Katie.

Dragging herself up.

One more leap and she has it.

Oh, a final stumble.

And she's done it.

In a really fast time.

2.17 is the time to beat.

So after nearly coming a cropper on the Barrel Run,

Katie regained her composure to storm the Wipeout Zone

in 2.17.

Will that be enough to get her and her two daughters to Florida?

That was incredible. You had a problem on the barrels.

I did. They were heavy and I'm only little.

And I'm a bit gutted I fell off the Spinner.

Apart from that, I'm really pleased.

I can tell you, Katie,

you did that in a fantastic time of 2 minutes and 17 seconds.

But Cris is up next.

Come on, get ready for the Thriller from Manila-a-a!

Just look at how much this means to him.

Or is it fright?

It's fright.

2.17 is the time to beat.

He's in the water. It's a strong start.

Onto the Barrel Run now.

Oh, he's struggling already.

Ooh, he's been taken out by that one.

Ouch!

Cris, come on.

Finally, past the barrels.

Chance now to claw some time back on the Monkey Bars.

Ooh, that's a swing and a half.

That swing action!

Cris has his own weight to bear but also the water on top...

That's a setback.

Cris may have overstretched himself and it's cost him dear.

Back up the ladder now towards the Spinner.

Chris is going to have to pull some time back now.

Tired.

He's got no time to be tired though.

On the Spinner, he's now got to time getting off

onto that platform.

This... Oh, no!

He's in trouble now.

Time and time again we see it here.

It should be such a simple move.

But just when you don't want it to happen.

So it's onto the Brusher.

Cris looks exhausted. Has he got anything left to give?

Oh! This is cruel!

You've got to hand it to Cris,

there's no way he's giving up, he keeps going.

We're all feeling for Cris right now.

Just the Launch Pads.

Come on, Cris.

Cris, Cris, Cris, Cris, Cris!

I'm tired for him.

Successfully onto the first Launch Pad.

He's got jelly legs.

Oh!

Come on, Cris!

Yes!

Every last ounce of strength used there.

Just one more leap.

And he's done it!

A valiant, brave effort,

but 4.43 means Cris is out.

Cris discovered to his cost how difficult the Wipeout Zone is.

But despite taking a tumble on every obstacle,

an exhausted Karate Cris just kept going.

You look absolutely exhausted.

Everything's over.

I have to tell you, you've been such a strong contender all day.

But not strong enough.

Because, Katie, was faster than you.

So I'm afraid you'll have to go and join the other guys.

You know what this means, you're still the time to beat.

-But there's another strong woman coming up, it's Rachel.

-Battle of the chicks.

So we already have a record. Total Wipeout's first female champion.

Will it be Rachel or Katie?

Rachel has 2.17 to beat

and that is no mean feat.

A strong swim and then it's onto the greased beam.

And now the Barrel Run itself.

Oh, no. Stopped in her tracks.

Looking really fast though.

Battling on.

Twenty-two seconds quicker than Katie at this point.

Can she keep it up on the Monkey Bars there?

Yes, she can.

This is good.

Oh, no!

This is a nightmare.

She could have just handed the title to Katie with that fall.

She's got a real mountain to climb now.

Dragged herself back up the ladder, finishing off the Monkey Bars.

Onto the Spinner.

Maybe she can claw the time back.

She's on.

Now she has to time her exit.

And Rachel has succeeded where Katie and Cris didn't.

That bought her some valuable seconds back.

Onto the Brusher. Oh, no! It's gone the other way again.

Katie could be heading for victory.

That really was the wrong time to lose her footing...

as I'm sure she knows.

Up onto the Launch Pads now.

And the first one, this is so close, I don't know if I can watch.

I'm going to!

Oh, no!

This could be all over.

No, she's recovering.

One last jump to make now.

This is so...

unbelievable! Nine seconds in it

and Rachel is the champion!

They don't know that yet so over to Amanda to break the news.

You've both been fantastic contestants.

You were the front runner all day, Rachel,

but I can tell you right now,

that you're still the front runner. You are the Total Wipeout champion!

So there you have it.

23-year-old Rachel Basford becomes

the first ever female champion.

She'll be joined by Katie and Cris in seven weeks' time for Champion Of Champions show.

Join us next time as Dizzy Dummies takes a week off

and in its place, this...

It's big, it's brash.

It's brand-new on Total Wipeout.

I give you the Dreadmill!

From Amanda and me, goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Limited

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