Episode 1 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, Argentina, and if you take that road there,

then second left by a statue, you will get to...

the Total Wipeout course, where today 20 of the bravest Brits,

including a traffic warden, a hairdresser and, may the Lord be with him, a reverend,

are about to put their bodies on the line

and test themselves on the toughest obstacle course ever built,

ever in the history of the world... ever!

Some will fail,

most will fail, and only one will win.

This is Total Wipeout.

Hello and welcome to a brand-new series of Total Wipeout

where 20 normal British folk once again go toe to toe

for a £10,000 prize and that warm, fuzzy feeling

that comes with being a Total Wipeout champion.

It's probably the bruising!

You may have noticed that things here look pretty much the same, but let me tell you something.

The Total Wipeout course most certainly isn't. Here's what's in store.

The Qualifier - it's new and improved.

The Sweeper - it's new and more dangerous.

Dizzy Dummies - it's dizzier and dummier.

And the Grand Final, the Wipeout Zone -

now even more wipeout-ing.

So the course is new and improved,

as is my co-host, Amanda Byram, who's...

new and improved in some way, too.

Let's join her on the course where she's offering her help and support

to the first of today's 20 brave contestants.

So I'm here now at the top of the Qualifier with Judi,

who is a self-employed fraud investigator, so Judi,

-does that mean you can tell if I'm lying?

-Hopefully, yes.

Well, let's test you. You are going to fall off the big red balls.

You're lying, because I'm going to get across the big red balls!

-Good luck, Judi.

-Thank you very much.

I might be small,

but it's less far to fall! Bring on the big red balls!

KLAXON

So, 55-year-old fraud investigator Judi from Burton-on-Trent

is first to take on the Total Wipeout Qualifier today.

First up is a brand-new obstacle, Dodgeball,

featuring the 1976 Argentinean Olympic dodgeball team,

brought out of retirement as a result of the credit crunch

and captained by Fidel Castro lookalike, Philippe.

They've won competitions all over the world.

Now the only thing missing from their trophy cabinet

is the head of an Englishman. How will Judge Judi fare?

Come on, man! Whoa!

-Oh-oh!

-Oh!

Ooh! Well done, Judi.

You managed to take the pace off the ball with your head!

-Note to other competitors, though, these guys are good.

-Score!

Having taken an early swim,

Judge Judi must now get back on the pontoon as quick as she can

and face another aerial assault. Go on, Judi... Oh!

The great thing about these guys, it doesn't matter if it's a man,

woman or passer-by, they just want to hit it with the ball.

Anyway, Judge Judi about to finish.

Yes, she's made it through being hit with balls,

so why not get hit with punches? It's on to the Sucker Punch.

The object here - quite simple - make your way to the other side

without being hit by one of the 22 hydraulic boxing gloves.

Sounds easy, but... Well, Judi proving that it really isn't.

-A thorough investigation of the mud, though!

-Come on, Judi!

OK... She's made it out

and must now face her toughest challenge yet...

..the big balls.

Here we go.

-Come on, kitty, kitty, kitty!

-Eh?!

Is she calling the sheepdog? That's not going to help!

Anyway, I combined all the previous efforts attempted on Total Wipeout

to work out the best way across and I came up with this.

Let's see what Judi comes up with.

No, not even close! It is surprising how many people

opt for the stunted-jump- hit-your-face-and-plummet technique!

Oh, it's great to be back!

Judi must now make the long swim to the ladder,

costing her more valuable time. Remember, only the fastest 12

will make it through to the next round.

-Come on, Judi!

-Yes, Judi!

-Come on!

-Yes, up the ladder for the final obstacle -

the Giant Strawberry... Sorry, I mean the Wrecking Ball.

All she has to do is grab hold of the strawberry

and swing across to the platform to stop the clock.

We haven't seen any competitor try this obstacle yet.

This is a first.

Whoo!

How will it work?

No, we're still none the wiser on how to do the Giant Strawberry!

Good leap, but she seemed to forget to use her hands.

Easy mistake, really(!)

Right, Judi must now swim round to the platform and climb the steps

to finish while the clock keeps ticking until she gets there.

And she's done it!

-Yeah!

-4 minutes 15 seconds.

Will that be enough to see her into the top 12?

Joining me now at the top of the Qualifier is Phil. Now Phil,

-do you think you have what it takes to get through that Qualifier?

-Certainly do.

I've been doing a bit of cycling, I'm feeling good, I'm feeling fit and I'm raring to go.

Cycling?!

Well, that'll definitely help.

KLAXON

He's off. Oh, very casual!

Let's hope he's not so casual on the rest of the course.

He's forgotten his bike, look?

38-year-old Phil is a business analyst from Manchester.

Should maybe analyse his walk here...

-It's a bit like a baby deer.

-Come on, boy!

Fidel and the boys now sensing fresh prey for their dodgeballs.

-Ow!

-That's what you get for being cocky, Phil!

Well, he did pretty well to dodge the small red balls.

How will he fare dodging the small red fists?

Yep, he's doing pretty well.

Could we be seeing early success on the Sucker Punch wall?

No! No! I'm... Sorry!

Casual Phil makes his way up to the big balls now.

He's got a determined look.

What was that?!

It's unorthodox, but still casual.

Yeah, just relax!

But this is still a good time.

What Casual Phil has to do is cross the pool

on the Wrecking Ball to finish. His cycling might come in handy here.

Oh, he can't hold on!

-Come on!

-Casual Phil has finished in a very respectable time, though.

-2 minutes 40.

-Yeah!

Yeah...yeah...yeah!

Yeah, I think he might have felt that...just a little bit(!)

Here to bring a bit of class and sophistication

is posh princess 18-year-old student from Norfolk, Jemma.

That course is not going to beat this princess! Bring it on!

Um-hum. Regardless of that accent,

I'm confident she'll be one tough cookie

-and tackle this like a Marine!

-She's going to be a screamer!

-Go away, go away!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Go away, stop it!

-"Go away" - that'll help(!)

Oh, I can't believe they haven't stopped(!)

Ow!

-Genuinely cruel!

-Come on, Jemma!

Jemma now tries her luck on the Sucker Board.

She should be good - her daddy bought her a replica of the course.

She's practised.

She's doing very well. Go on, Jemma! Oh...!

Oh, it's bracing and good for one! Oh...

Do I get out here?

-Yeah!

-Oh.

As opposed to where?

So how will Princess Jemma fare on the big balls?

-Ugh!

-Ah! Have we underestimated her?

Has the personal Wipeout tutor her daddy paid for come in useful?

Good girl.

-Ooh!

-No! No, not at all!

-RICHARD LAUGHS

Ah!

I'm not sure if she's just been told that the water's not bottled

or that her trust fund has run out!

Just breathe. You're fine. Keep going, it's all about speed.

Now, it may look like Princess Jemma is going slowly,

but under the water is her butler carrying her on a silver tray(!)

She did eventually finish in a time of 3 minutes 56.

Another run scuppered by the big balls!

That was really hard!

This next contestant might be calling on some assistance

from a higher power when he takes to the course.

He is 52-year-old church minister Peter,

and he is of course in touch with the big fella on a regular basis.

Say your prayers, Peter!

In the name of the Father, in the name of the Son,

and in the name of the Holy Spirit, so help me, God!

I think that might be cheating, Peter!

Let us pray that St Peter makes it past the dodgeball boys.

Right.

Now, boys, don't forget I'm a man of the cloth.

If you get me, you've had it!

You'll only make them angry! He's threatened the ball boys.

They show no favouritism and no mercy.

Well, that wasn't very nice!

Oh!

-Get off! Right, hold on!

-Peter used to be a professional referee

before joining the Church,

so will be used to being abused by grown men with balls.

He's doing pretty well, though.

Look at that!

Biblical story unfolding in front of us!

He's taken a dive, and quite a spectacular one, too.

Let's have a look. Oh!

Yes!

# Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah... #

Is that to inspire us...or him?

On to the big balls for St Peter.

-This is it!

-He's ready.

Ooh, that is quite a fall!

And they say God moves in mysterious ways!

No, no explaining that, and no divine intervention

going to stop St Peter collecting a face full of rubber.

-Hallelujah!

-Here endeth the lesson.

St Peter finishes in a time of 5 minutes 4 seconds.

Sadly, it is the slowest time so far today.

This is 25-year-old James from Kent.

He's a nuclear safety engineer, so, basically, he's Homer Simpson.

Unlike Homer Simpson, however, James thinks he's a bit of a genius.

-For all the nerds and boffins, this is to show we're not all square.

-Ah!

Apparently, James has asked us not to take the mickey out of his job.

That's awkward(!) Anyway, smarty-pants James

says he's worked out his chances of winning.

He reckons it's around 1 in 20.

Genius! Apparently, nuclear James's party trick is wiggling his ears.

Note to self - don't go to James's party.

Right, come on, then, fella. This is it,

the big balls, here we go! Ooh!

I wasn't expecting that!

Now, this looks promising!

Yes, yes...no!

Ooh!

Sadly, this nuclear engineer

has gone into meltdown and fallen just short of the platform.

That was impressive, although pretty jammy, I suspect!

After a swim and a climb to the finish,

he's glowing and, for once, it's not caused by his job!

Nuclear James records the fastest time of the day so far -

2 minutes and 8 seconds.

As I've said before, the Total Wipeout course does not discriminate in any way.

It is happy to chew up, mangle and spit out men and women of all shapes and sizes.

And I do mean ALL shapes and sizes!

Meet the unusual suspects.

Chris is a 6ft 8in traffic warden from Bury.

Kelly is a student from Middlesbrough. She's 4ft 11in.

That's Kev, a policeman from Stevenage, and he's 6ft 4in,

and that's Hazel. She's a sales administrator from Reading

and is 4ft 11in. Let's see if size really does matter.

# She's a perfect 10 but she wears a 12

# Baby, keep a little two for me. #

Daddy Cool, and I'm here to rule!

KLAXON

# ..Bustin' out of the seams

# It's still love in the first degree

# When he's at my gate

# With a big, fat eight

# You want to see this smile on my face

# And even at my door

# With a poor, poor four

# There ain't no man can replace

# Cos we love our love

# In different sizes

# I love her body

# Especially the lies

# Time takes its toll

# But not on the eyes

# Promise me this Take me tonight... #

Let's hear what Kelly's got planned for the big balls.

-I'm going to do a bit of a special on the red balls.

-What's the special?

I'm going to do a handspring over them,

so you land on your feet, then you go on your hands, then back on your feet.

Ambitious! Does anyone else think this might not go entirely well? No!

Yeah, that's not worked!

How about traffic warden, Chris? How will he do?

No! What about constable Kev?

Er, no, no!

Maybe Hazel's got it sussed!

Ah!

Whoo!

# ..I love her body Especially the lies

# Time takes its toll

# But not on the eyes

# Promise me this

# Take me tonight... #

SHE SCREAMS

That was brilliant!

A fantastic finish there from Kelly,

and she becomes the first person to land the wrecking ball today.

So the first leader board looks like this. Tiny Kelly is in top spot,

Nuclear James is 2nd and Casual Phil is 3rd,

Constable Kev is 4th, Tower of Chris is 5th

and Princess Jemma is 6th.

Judge Judi is 7th, St Peter is in 8th,

and Hazel is 9th.

Tonight, one contestant will be crowned Total Wipeout Champion

and walk away with £10,000, but all will not be lost for the two losers.

Well, it will, they'll have lost, but all three finalists,

the winner and the losers,

will return at the end of the series to compete in a grand final,

where the champion of champions is going to be crowned.

Now, for this series, the BBC said to me,

"We'd really like you to visit the Total Wipeout course for yourself,

"maybe record a series of reports."

I immediately replied, "No, it's in Argentina, that's miles away!"

So they said, "You do understand that your job could essentially be done by a trained monkey?"

So, here's my first report from Argentina on the do's and don'ts of Total Wipeout.

Do you ever contemplate the majesty and wonder

of this universe in which we live?

Nah! Neither do I!

Do you like to laugh at people falling off these bad boys?

Yep, so do I.

These, then, are my do's and don'ts for success on the big balls.

Don't taunt the big balls...

they don't like it.

The balls, they don't do nothing for me!

Come on, you big fat balls!

Come on, then, you big red balls!

Do find a unique and original way to fall off.

Do you know, I think I could do this!

Don't just run as fast as you can and hope it'll all turn out right in the end.

It won't!

You know, I'm serious about this. I'm going to have a go.

Don't ever, ever stop believing.

Yep, as I thought!

All down to confidence. Easy!

So, having proved it's really not that hard, let's see if 35-year-old

clerk from Essex, Sam, can take any of my priceless tips on board.

Oh, sadly, no.

How about 30-year-old pub landlord from Watchet in Somerset, Ross Nutticombe?

Watch it, Ross, that looked like a face plant to me!

Does 37-year-old garden centre owner

and mother-of-two from Nottingham, Tara, have any surprises for us?

I'm feeling fit, I'm feeling strong!

Wipeout course, bring it on!

Yes, there she goes!

Oh, my word! A cartwheel off the second ball. Let's see that again.

Oh!

Magnificent!

Yeah, it's not really a time for showboating, though, is it?

So it's on to the wrecking ball for Tara. Here we go.

No.

Ross - no.

And Sam - nearly... No!

Yay!

Come on!

Yes!

This is 45-year-old property manager Stephen, and he likes smiling...

a lot! He also says he looks like Hugh Grant...

Mmm, as do I(!)

I'm Smiley Sucker Punch Stephen from Weymouth and I'm doing this for me.

-Very good, Stephen.

-Bring on the Sucker Punch!

Any man with his own nickname and T-shirt to match has to be good at this!

Oh!

-Well, that was a let-down!

-My thoughts exactly!

I shall rename him Rubbish At The Sucker Punch Stephen.

He's actually rubbish at smiling, too, right now!

So, after failing on the Sucker Punch,

how will Rubbish At The Sucker Punch Stephen cope with the big balls?

Really badly!

Have a seat, sir. Don't mind if I do! Oh!

Stephen now needs to get up there as quick as he can

if he wants to get into the top 12 and go through to the next round.

Come on, just the wrecking ball to go. Keep smiling, this is it!

Oh, ooh, yes! Well done, Stephen!

Only the second person to land on that podium today.

Rubbish At The Sucker Punch Stephen - 2 minutes 37 seconds,

which leaves him safely in the top 12...for now!

Hooray!

That'll put the smile back on his face!

This is 43-year-old police diver Marion.

I'm Marion! I'm here to make mincemeat out of those Merry Men!

There's nothing merry about those men!

Marion is a police officer and so always on the lookout for trouble.

Now she's going to find herself in a whole heap of it now!

Not yet! Come on!

Be careful what you wish for, Marion!

Bring it on!

And yes, they appear to have brought it on more than sufficiently!

We'll leave Marion to it while she tries to solve the crime.

My deduction is that it's the Castro lookalike that did it

with the red ball on the giant obstacle course.

Another glance at the leader board

sees Tiny Kelly still up there in 1st place,

with Nuclear James in 2nd

and Cartwheeling Tara in 3rd.

Rubbish At The Sucker Punch Stephen is 4th,

Constable Kev, 6th, CSI Marion made it out of the water and is 7th,

Tower of Chris is 8th,

Princess Jemma is 10th and Judge Judi is 12th.

So far, 14 competitors have faced the awe-inspiring dodgeball team,

captained by the enigmatic Fidel Castro lookalike.

Never have so many been hit by so many, thrown by so many,

mostly moustachioed dodgeball players, across...

It's never happened before!

How will 27-year-old account manager from Reading, Karima, fare

when faced with a barrage of high-velocity balls aimed at her head?

-Be nice to me! No, no, no, no!

-Oh!

Sadly, Karima has elected to fend that ball off with her skull!

-Be nice!

-They don't know the meaning of the word "nice", Karima!

They speak Spanish.

Off the face!

This young lady is 27-year-old PE and maths teacher

from Stoke-on-Trent, Claire.

Believe, achieve, succeed!

Not her words but the words of her school motto.

Thankfully, Claire has remembered her sports kit

or else she'd have to do the course in her vest and pants.

Claire's doing quite an incredible job of avoiding the balls.

It's like she's wearing a magic deflector kit!

-Ka-pat!

-Whoa!

Ooh, spoke too soon! Fidel on form today!

This is bouncy, stretchy 25-year-old recruitment officer from Sheffield, Becky.

I'm going to get across those balls, beat all the boys and win it! Whoo!

Yes, well, off you go, then.

She's quick...and she's made it across unscathed.

Becky is the only person observing the "dodge" part of "dodgeball"

-and is showing the rest how it's done.

-Come on, Becky!

That's clear. On to the Sucker Punch.

Ouch, ouch and again.

Those punches literally bouncing off her. Oh, apart from that one.

Spoke too soon!

Ooh!

Right, moving on to the big balls.

-Come on, big red ball!

-Yes.

Let's see if Becky's bounciness and stretchiness helps at all.

Here she goes.

Ooh!

A very good effort, determined and finished with

a rather graceful dive.

That is a very impressive 1 minute 46,

-which now makes Becky the fastest competitor today.

-Well done!

# The look of love

# Is in your eyes... #

Now, who's this? He doesn't look very happy.

I'm strong, I'm tough, now watch me strut my stuff! Come on!

Yes, well, seems like a rather manly chap.

Oh, no, that's more like ballet to me.

CREAK!

A little birdie tells me, Ben,

that victory isn't the only thing you're looking for at Total Wipeout. Would that be true?

-I've seen a couple of shows, and you've got a lot of good-looking girls on here...

-Is that right?

KLAXON

Don't you just hate friends who think they're funny?

This is in fact 20-year-old student from Market Harborough, Ben.

He's up...and away.

Ooh! Struggling to find his feet a bit here.

Ooh!

Ah, keeping very low.

They can't knock you over if you're already over!

Oh!

Come on, Ben!

Helpful words, as always, from the ever-supportive Amanda.

Now, the Sucker Punch. Ooh!

He's doing very well. Ooh!

Could he be the first across today?

No... Oh.

Right, on to the big balls for Big Ben who will be good at this,

because he's a trampoline coach. So let's see how the experts do it.

Oh, dear!

As I thought, much like everyone else!

Yes, no trampolining going on at all!

Just the wrecking ball to go.

# I'm not going to take it easy You won't get away tonight

# Mr Loverman

# You know it is Mr Loverman

# Mr Loverman

# Shabba! #

Amanda, concentrate, yeah?

Here he goes.

Yeah. That was perfect - if the object was to belly-charge

the wrecking ball. He won...!

But it doesn't help his time.

Love Shed Ben finally makes it to the finish line

in a time of 3 minutes 51.

I am going to have to bite the bullet

and say, "Yeah, it was too much for me."

Yeah, it was.

It's great to come out here,

and what an opportunity for anyone.

It's one of the best things to do in the world.

ONE of?! The penultimate contestant is 24-year-old shop supervisor Jack, from Leamington Spa.

This is for all the freckly foxes out there.

Watch me rip up this course!

Mmm... I fear that Jack may clash with the big red balls!

Still, we'll see! Now, he says he's a sporty chap

and lists his strengths as jumping and climbing.

Ah, ooh, ow!

He can add attracting dodgeballs to his CV as well,

although in my experience, it doesn't really help you get work. He's in! On to the big balls

where his jumping skills should come into their own. That is a clash!

What was that?

Literally ran across the balls and got a hand onto the fourth one.

Good effort, Jumping Jack.

Just the wrecking ball, to finish what is a seriously quick run.

Launch...oh, there you go.

No, not quite! That's going to cost him valuable time.

Jumping Jack crawls to the finish line in a time of 1 minute 43,

and that is now the quickest time today.

So, 19 down and only one left to go.

He's been waiting in the Argentinean sun all day for his chance,

and it's finally arrived.

This is 37-year-old hairdresser from Lancashire, Jonny. Hold on a minute.

Is there something wrong with the screen? No, that is just his tan.

-So we're here now with Jonny from Lancashire. Hi, Jonny!

-Hi, Amanda.

-If you won, what would you do with the money?

-The wife wants to get a new conservatory,

and I want to get the latest sunbed so I can be even browner than I already am!

All I can say is that that is tan-tastic!

-Tan-tastic!

-Good luck, Jonny.

-Thank you.

-Yeah, he's going to need it if he wants to get into the top 12.

Here's...Jonny!

OK. He looks like he means business and he's off.

How will the man in the orange skin fare against the men in red suits?

Oh!

Oh, not very well. That may slow him down just a little bit. He's in!

Dodgeball boys have saved their best till last -

a fine shot that's completely taken Sunbed Jonny out.

Come on, Jonny, the clock's still ticking.

It hasn't washed off.

On to the big balls. Think of that sunbed, Jonny. Come on!

-Let's do it!

-Yes, let's!

RICHARD GIGGLES

Well, was that what you meant?

Oh, my word, his knees have totally given out.

Just folded. That is quite a fall.

Only the wrecking ball to go for Sunbed Jonny

and he can still make it into the top 12 with a good finish,

so come on, Jonny, this is it, everything to play for here.

-Here he goes.

-Argh!

No, he's lost his footing,

fallen flat on his face and completely misses the ball!

No, that didn't help.

Jonny has made it to the finish line in a time of 3 minutes 56.

-That was horrific.

-Not easy?

-Worst thing I've ever done!

-I think you knocked your tan clean off!

-How did I do?

-How do you think you did?

-Terrible!

Not terrible, but not good enough, Jonny.

Here are the lucky 12 that made the cut.

Jumping Jack is our fastest qualifier,

Bouncy Becky is in 2nd, with Tiny Kelly in 3rd. Well done, ladies.

Nuclear James is 4th, Cartwheeling Tara is 5th

and Rubbish At The Sucker Punch Stephen is 6th.

Constable Kev is 8th, Karima the Screamer is 9th,

Tower of Chris 11th and in 12th is "Believe, Achieve, Succeed" Claire.

But before we move on, and their achievements fade from our memory,

and their faces, what they did, what they said, their names,

let us pay tribute to the eight gallant competitors

who didn't make it but gave us so much joy along the way.

MUSIC: "The Winner Takes It All" by ABBA

It's back, but this time there's not just one sweeper arm, there's two.

Introducing the Crusher -

the two hydraulic sweeper arms simultaneously rotate faster and faster,

whilst at the same time moving closer and closer together.

The competitors must jump one rotating arm whilst avoiding having their heads taken off by the other.

Starting with 12, the first seven to fall will be eliminated.

The remaining five go through to the next round. It keeps on sweeping

until there is one last man or woman standing

and they will be crowned the King or Queen of the Crusher.

Let's meet the daring dozen.

On podiums one and two, it's Tiny Kelly...

Don't underestimate my height!

These legs are made for jumping.

..and Rubbish At The Sucker Punch Stephen...

Goodbye, Sucker Punch Stephen! Hello, Sweeper Stephen!

On podiums three, four and five, it's Karima the Screamer,

Cartwheeling Tara and Homer Simpson...I mean Nuclear James.

On podiums six, seven and eight,

it's "Believe, Achieve, Succeed" Claire,

Casual Phil and Tower of Chris.

-I want me mum!

-OK, Chris.

On podiums nine and ten, it's CSI Marion and Bouncy Becky.

Never mind Last Man Standing, I'm going to be the last woman standing!

Yep, that's what they all say, Becky! And to round things off,

on podiums 11 and 12, it's Constable Kev...

and Jumping Jack.

I'm the Red Fox and I'm going to hop over this garden fence!

Jumping Jack making absolutely no sense there whatsoever.

We've left them waiting wobblingly on those podiums long enough.

Let's head to the course where Amanda is ready to get the action underway.

I'm very excited, cos it's time for the Sweeper. How are you all feeling?

THEY CHEER

Not very convincing!

Ready, unsteady, go!

Off it goes. Will the Crusher prove as deadly as his one-arm predecessor?

Slow and steady to start. Oh!

-Stephen!

-The Crusher claims its first victim.

Rubbish At The Sucker Punch Stephen is off,

and that should wipe the smile off his face for good!

He's out!

I just lost it, really stupidly, but there you go, that's life!

How will that early fall affect the rest of the competitors?

11 remain. Remember, only five can go through to the next round.

The Crusher arm is really speeding up now...

..but this lot are doing very well.

Ooh, a slip there from Constable Kev,

but he's managed to stay on his podium. That was close, and he knows it.

11 of the original 12 are still standing, then.

The only faller so far is Rubbish At The Sweeper Stephen.

Come on, Chris, don't let your big feet let you down.

Chris is 6 foot 8 and he'll have to keep up the jumping and the ducking

if he wants to stay that tall! That arm is rotating seriously fast now. Only one competitor has fallen.

The tension up on those podiums must be unbearable.

If they fall off now, they can kiss goodbye to that ten grand.

Oh, they're a determined lot at this. Somebody fall!

Still in the game are Kelly,

Karima, Tara, James, Claire, Phil, Chris, Marion, Becky, Kev and Jack.

Crusher arm moving around at such a rate now.

The remaining contestants barely have time to compose themselves between jumps.

We've started off a new obstacle with the world's best practitioners of it! Round and round it goes.

The bottom arm is gradually moving up now, making it harder to jump through the gap.

Ooh! It clipped Tiny Kelly's leg, but she's stayed on!

Karima's gone, and Tara, and that's Claire down as well.

This is absolute carnage! Chris is off, and what on earth was that?

Marion makes a right mess of it and falls as well.

Becky just makes it over, Constable Kev has another moment

but manages to hold on, again.

Let's take another look at that pile-up and work out exactly who's gone and who's still standing.

That's Tiny Kelly, just managing to stay on her podium,

but then Karima the Screamer falls spectacularly,

Tara miss-times her jump which sends her into a 360-degree spin, again.

Nuclear James makes it OK, but then Claire is taken out swiftly,

followed by Casual Phil.

Tower of Chris chickens out and he's knocked off, then CSI Marion

thinks she's made it through and makes a complete mess of her jump.

She's got herself in a muddle, though.

She's not made it and is the seventh person to fall, the last person to be eliminated.

There are only five competitors left, who will all go through to the next round.

I don't know if I'm mistaken or not, but I think the same round took quite a few of us out!

Nothing like stating the bleeding obvious, Karima!

That was honestly amazing. I can't believe I lasted so long!

I thought I was last five. I looked up and there were still five people on the podium, so I'm gutted.

CRUNCH!

Ouch!

So still standing are Tiny Kelly -

just - Nuclear James, Bouncy Becky, Constable Kev and Jumping Jack.

All five go through to the next round,

but who will be the last one standing and the very first King or Queen of the Crusher?

Ooh, not Kelly!

At 4 feet 11, Tiny Kelly didn't stand a chance there.

The Crusher was up round her waist. She finishes with an old-fashioned face plant for good measure.

That's one for the Total Wipeout archives.

Still, she's safely into the next round. Well, maybe not safe!

So, Becky, Kev, Jack and James... Oh, no, Nuclear James has gone.

He's landed on his face instead of his feet. Not very smart.

Only three are still standing.

Becky, Kev and Jack.

And these three are doing amazingly well.

The Crusher arm now getting higher and higher.

Oh! Constable Kev's gone, so has Jumping Jack.

A fine jump there from Becky, calling on all her bounciness,

but Kev gets it very wrong, and Jack miss-times his jump, so Bouncy Becky

is the last woman standing and the very first Queen of the Crusher!

Go, Becky!

So, we started with 20, then we had 12,

and now only the five least rubbish remain,

each of them within touching distance of that £10,000 prize

and being crowned the first Total Wipeout winner of this new series,

but we still need to lose two more

and what better way to do that than to spin them all silly and make them jump over more stuff?

It's time for Dizzy Dummies.

Here's how it works.

Competitors spin for 40 sickening seconds on that high-speed roulette wheel.

They're released to wander through the stumbling saloon doors or squeeze through the crazy cut-outs.

If they somehow get past those, they must make their way across the ever-so-slippery cylinder run

and the downright difficult doughnut run.

The game is run twice. Each time, the last person over is eliminated, leaving us with the two finalists,

so, to put it bluntly, don't come last!

Just how dizzy can a dummy be? Well, this dummy is really, really dizzy,

and I'm not talking about myself. I'm talking about this.

Are you all ready?

Yeah...

I'm going to go ahead and say that was a no.

Three, two, one!

KLAXON

Let's just remind ourselves who the Dizzy Dummies are.

First up, she's like a stick of dynamite - small and explosive.

Don't underestimate my height! These legs are made for jumping!

It's Tiny Kelly.

That's part-time cartoon character, full-time nuclear expert...

For all the nerds and boffins, this is to show we're not all square.

..Nuclear James.

Next it's the screaming Queen of the Crusher...

I'm going to beat all the boys and win it! Whoo!

..Bouncing Becky!

He's the feet on the street, all 6 feet 4 of him.

It's Constable Kev.

# Daddy, Daddy Cool

# Daddy, Daddy Cool! #

Finally, he likes jumping a lot and was the faster qualifier.

This is for all the freckly foxes out there!

It's Jumping Jack.

And they're off...

Kelly's through the saloon doors first

and on to the cylinder run and she's just hopping her way across!

Yes! Maybe dizziness doesn't go down that low,

because she seems completely unaffected and she's safe.

Jumping Jack, Nuclear James and Bouncy Becky

have all come a cropper.

Constable Kev seems to be standing off and waiting for some back-up, maybe.

Come on, Kev!

-Uh-huh!

-Daddy Long Legs!

Oh! Back to the start for Kev.

-Let's see if James can do it for the geeks.

-Maybe he can, maybe he can!

No, he can't. He's fallen! Can he push himself onto the pontoon?

No, he can't! Back to the start for James as well.

Bouncy Becky now. Here we go.

Nope, she's in again!

Now it's Kev's turn.

Come on, Kev!

Taking his time. Preparing. Here he goes, here he goes!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes... Oh, no, no! Kev's off again!

Constable Kev agonisingly close there.

Can Jumping Jack join Kelly?

Ooh, this looks good!

Well, not good, it looks ridiculous, but, yes, he can!

Shop supervisor Jack is safe.

Can James follow Jack's lead? No, he can't, and that looked painful.

Now it's Becky's turn again.

She's a strong competitor.

-She's away. Oh, no, no, ooh!

-SHE SCREAMS

And she's in again! Remember, the last to cross will be eliminated.

-This is your time.

-Here he goes!

Yes, Constable Kev has made it across, and I think he's pleased(!)

STIRRING CLASSICAL MUSIC

I love it when we try and get moving with this show!

Now, only Nuclear James and Bouncy Becky are left,

and one of them will be eliminated. Becky's fallen in again.

The Queen of the Crusher is really in trouble here. Here comes Nuclear James. He's done it.

SHE GIGGLES

Come on!

Bouncy Becky, the Queen of the Crusher, is out.

-Becky, what went wrong?

-I don't know. It's just so slippy and when you're all disorientated,

you just don't know which way you're supposed to be going!

I suggest you take a left out of the gate and head straight for the airport, Becky.

Now, only four are left, and one final competitor is about to be eliminated,

this time by the Doughnut Run.

People, names, Doughnut Run - it's not very frightening!

"Ah, doughnut!" It's just...think!

So these four will now be spun for another 40 seconds

until they're so dizzy they can't think straight, let alone walk straight.

Remember, the last one across the Doughnut Run will be eliminated,

and the remaining three will go through to the Wipeout Zone,

where they'll have one last chance to win that £10,000 prize.

Here we go. They're off.

James and Kelly out first.

James the first to attack the crazy cut-outs.

Hang on! What's Constable Kev doing?

Oh, looks like he's off for a spot of line-dancing!

Meanwhile, Homer Simpson-a-like James is predictably enjoying the doughnuts.

Mmm! Kelly's fallen just behind him. James leaps.

Can he make it?

Yes, he can! He pulls himself up! He's first to the Wipeout Zone.

As he pushes off, the doughnut goes backwards, but he's just about made it.

Ooh, Jumping Jack now, he's made the jump

and joins Nuclear James in the Wipeout Zone.

Yeah, watch out for the camera, Jack! Oh! Costs us money!

So, Tiny Kelly and Constable Kev are left, but only one of them can join Jack and James in the Wipeout Zone.

Here she goes...

Oh-h-h-h-h!

This jump, then, for a place in the Wipeout Zone. This is it!

-She's like a little raggedy doll!

-Oh, no!

She'll have to try again! Oh!

Her feet going like a cartoon character,

and she can't quite make it back to the start for Kelly.

Kev employing a "slide across the bonnet of his police car" technique

as Kelly wanders back for another go.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Steadies himself for a final jump...

Oh, he's fallen! Kelly's made her jump.

Can she capitalise on Kev's mistake?

Oh, safely onto the third doughnut. This is where she fell before.

They are very slippy.

It must look such a long way to jump for 4 feet 11 Kelly, but she's made it!

Tiny Kelly is through to the Wipeout Zone.

I could have called her Condensed Kelly!

Constable Kev is out.

Come here! Ten out of ten for effort. That was unbelievable!

What happened?

I just couldn't get any grip.

-Did you see who you got beaten by?

-Someone half my size!

She is about as big as my daughter, but what a girl, what a girl!

That was a truly titanic battle for the last place in the final between Condensed Kelly

and Constable Kev, and it will be Kelly that joins Nuclear James and Jumping Jack

in the Wipeout Zone, but let's remind ourselves

what they've all been through en route to the final today.

The whole Total Wipeout experience has been the hardest thing I've ever done.

Getting to this point means a lot to me,

because I think some people at home thought that I wouldn't get through.

Unbelievable to be in this situation, really.

One minute I can't think straight, the next minute I'm chilled out,

the next minute I can't think straight.

Whilst doing Total Wipeout, I've learnt that I've got a bit more fight in me than I thought I did.

I think I've proved to myself that I'm a lot fitter than what I thought I was.

It does go to show that people that sit behind a desk in an office every day,

they can really push themselves and have fun.

As darkness falls, it will get a lot more competitive.

That's when it's really going to kick in.

Tonight I'm going to give it 120%.

To win in Total Wipeout would really be a lifelong dream. I'd be over the moon if I won today.

I've done well to get to this stage,

but this'd put the icing on the cake if I was to win.

Yes, we're down to the final three contenders who are currently limbering up for the Wipeout Zone.

The winner will secure that £10,000 prize and something maybe even more valuable -

the title of the first Total Wipeout champion of the new series...

but mostly, it's the ten grand!

Before the three finalists take to the Wipeout Zone, let's see what perils await the plucky trio.

First up, it's a high-speed slide down the Killer Surf, then it's a short swim to the Barrel Run,

where a barrage of 50kg barrels awaits them.

Next up, the Argentineans found a discarded ladder in a skip,

welded it onto the old climbing wall and called it the Monkey Bars,

and then it's the fast-moving Spinner - hard to get on, even harder to get off.

Then another new obstacle...

It looks more like the insides of a giant vacuum cleaner, but it's called the Brusher.

A quick one-two on the Launch Pads and onto the finish podium, where the clock will stop - easy!

Well, we've waited long enough.

Let's join Amanda, who is ready to get the action underway.

It's time now for one to get the Total Wipeout title

and for two to get totally wiped out! First to go tonight is Kelly.

So, first to face the new Wipeout Zone is pint-sized student from Middlesbrough, Tiny Kelly.

She's been one of the strongest competitors all day.

Go for it!

KLAXON

And she's off!

Kelly opting for the breast stroke. No, she's gone for the front crawl. Good choice!

Now, the Barrel Run where she'll be greeted

by a series of 50kg barrels rolling towards her.

Don't forget, that slope is covered in grease.

She's tearing up that slope.

Oh, she's been hit by that first barrel. That's going to slow her down.

Good recovery, though.

She's still moving on.

The belly flop technique working well for Tiny Kelly.

On to the Monkey Bars now.

-Tiny Kelly has to travel across to the other side...

-Come on, Kelly!

..whilst a torrent of cold water does its best to knock her off.

It's got to be hard to see where you're going, but she's doing well.

She's made it across. She's there. Now it's onto the Spinner.

Timing is everything.

And she's timed her jump perfectly. She's on first time.

Now for the tricky bit -

getting off again.

She's got to choose her moment, but can't waste too much time.

Oh, no, she's bounced straight off!

We've seen that so many times before!

She has to climb back up the ladder, which will cost her valuable time.

SHE PANTS

Now for another new obstacle - the Brusher.

Kelly must time her run perfectly so she's not knocked in

by those weird spiky bits, and she's done it.

Well done, Kelly! This is looking like a very good time.

Only the Launch Pads to go.

Oh, no! She's fallen in!

Disaster for Tiny Kelly!

Her momentum just carrying her off the end of the Launch Pad.

This is costing her valuable time.

Here she goes again. This is punishing!

Oh, my word!

Spectacular! She's completely missed the second Launch Pad

and flown off the other side!

That's got to be hurting, and she's got to be exhausted now.

Yes, yes, yes! She's finally done it and in some style.

If only she could have done that the first time!

Tiny Kelly had such a good start and was strong for someone so little.

She was well set for a good time, but those Launch Pads

just got the better of her in the end.

OK, that was an unbelievable performance.

Up until the very end, you were really solid. What went wrong?

I tried to stop and I should have just gone for it!

-I can tell you know that your time, Kelly, was 5 minutes and 46 seconds.

-Oh, no!

Well, good luck to the guy who wins, then!

It's not over yet, Kelly. Next up - shop supervisor Jumping Jack.

Remember he has no idea what Kelly's time is,

so he has to focus on getting round as quickly as he can.

Let's be having ya! KLAXON

Yah! And he's off!

On to the Barrel Run, where Jack's jumping skills

should come into their own, and they are!

He's clearly those 50kg barrels

with ease and he's made it... Ooh! ..to the top!

The Monkey Bars. This is all about keeping your momentum going forward.

If you stop, it is hard to get going again.

It's hard to stay on, let alone move forwards...

but he is!

And he's done it.

Jumping Jack is straight onto the Spinner. Ooh-hoo, can he hang on?

I think he has, yes.

Yes, he's still on. Now he's got to time his jump just right

or he'll end up in the water, like Kelly.

He's done it! More A-grade jumping from Jack.

Onto the Brusher now.

That must look terrifying, but he's made it look to us very easy.

Just the Launch Pads to go.

We've already seen how tricky they can be. Safely onto the first one.

HE PANTS

Oh-oh!

Oh, no! Never seen that done before!

He's jumped off the back of the Launch Pad.

That's his first mistake, and it's going to cost him valuable time.

Now he must tackle the Launch Pads again. He's safely onto the first.

Can he get up onto the second?

Yes! Ooh, he's hanging on for dear life,

but, yes, just one final jump to go, and that's it!

Jumping Jack finishes in a very quick time of 2 minutes 11 seconds,

and I think he's pleased.

He deserves to be.

Jack was extremely fast from the outset.

His jumping skills were put to full use on the Barrel Run.

That was a very impressive performance indeed.

Come on out here.

Well done!

-Thanks.

-Whoo! Need I ask how you're feeling?

-Tired!

-So, Jack, I can tell you right now...

that you were faster. Kelly, I'm sorry, my darling...

-Well done!

-..you're going to have to join the others.

So Jumping Jack has flown around the course in a super-fast time.

That's going to take some beating. It's now a two-horse race

between Jack and Nuclear James, who is ready to go at the start.

This is it. Here goes!

KLAXON

Off he goes.

Flies off the end of the slide and gets swimming over to the barrel.

Remember, that slope is very slippery.

Nuclear James confidently attacks the Barrel Run

and is doing well. Ooh!

So it's on to the Monkey Bars...

James crossing them with ease.

Neck and neck with Jack at this point.

He's cleared it. Now for the Spinner.

He's made it on the first attempt!

He's still well within reach of Jumping Jack's time.

Ooh, he's over-cooked it! He's in the water!

Again, that landing...

He needs to get back up as quickly as he can

to be in with a chance of beating Jack's time. Onto the Brusher.

James runs straight across with ease. This is going to be very close.

Just the Launch Pads to go.

Oh, James has messed it up!

Oh!

His knees looked to buckle on impact at the point

when he really needed power to get up onto that next Launch Pad.

That's why they wear helmets.

That fall means it's all over for Nuclear James.

He doesn't know that he's slower than Jumping Jack

and he must now focus on finishing. For him... Oh, no!

Bounces backwards and into the water! He's landed it this time.

Onto the second.

Still trying, still doesn't know the truth.

One jump to go, and he's finished.

A valiant effort from Nuclear James, but it wasn't quite enough.

He doesn't know that yet.

James made a fantastic start and was in with a shout at the halfway point

but those mistakes on the Launch Pads

are what ultimately cost him the title.

Oh, James, my man.

What a performance! How are you feeling after that?

I wish I went to practise trampolining! ..Hey, mate.

All right, well, I can tell you right now, James,

that Jack... ..You'd a really good performance tonight.

James...you just weren't fast enough.

The red fox has done it! You are the Total Wipeout champion!

So, congratulations to 21-year-old shop supervisor Jumping Jack,

who's ten grand richer and the first champion of this series.

All three finalists will return at the end of the series,

along with the other contestants who make it to the Wipeout Zone,

to compete in a champion of champions grand final,

where one will be crowned the Total Wipeout series champion. I can hardly wait!

Do join us next time for a small dose of this...

and a large helping of this...

So, from Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

See you next time.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]