The Legends Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, Argentina. Thousands of miles from home.

Unless you live in Argentina.

Tonight, 20 Britons who've already failed on the Total Wipeout course

have come back to fail again.

But one will redeem themselves and become Total Wipeout Champion.

Not again. And their name shall echo through the annals of time forever.

Just like that guy from the last series. What's his name.

Bloke with the hat. Anyway, this is Total Wipeout The Legends.

Hello and welcome to the Total Wipeout Legends Special.

What do I mean by legends?

Essentially what's happened is that all the worst - but funniest -

competitors from the last three series have been invited back

to have another go.

Let's face it. They all fell off things last time.

Odds are they'll do it again.

So, that's what I mean by legends.

Let's see what the legendary legends will be up against.

The Qualifier - a thing of legend.

Crash Mountain -

another thing of legend.

Dizzy Dummies - truly legendary.

The Wipeout Zone -

really truly legendary because this one's got a ledge and an end.

Now, I'd like to hand over to someone who's always there to encourage the competitors.

Someone who brightens up the show.

Someone who's got a big caring heart and a gorgeous smile.

Unfortunately though Eduardo's camera shy.

So, instead let's go over to Amanda Byram who's with today's first competitor.

Ah, yes. It's 45-year-old Dynamo Joe from Yorkshire.

Just what's needed. A really strong, confident competitor.

Who's the daddy? Who's the daddy?

This guy was one of the bounciest competitors ever seen on Total Wipeout,

but was surprisingly knocked out by The Sweeper last time around.

It's been over a year since I've seen you.

-What did your family think of your performance?

-Ah, they loved it.

Even my daughter's school friends call her Dynamo Hannah now.

So it's...you know, it's dropping down from family to... Take that again.

Take your tie, Joe. Take your time.

Joe, what are you here to prove?

I'm doing it for all the little, short ugly blokes, that are balding, getting 47-year-old...

Oh, no, I've done it again wrong.

Just breathe, Joe, breathe.

-Good luck, Joe.

-Thank you. High five.

Oh, I hope he pulls himself together before he starts.

You've seen the least from the east,

and you've seen the rest from the west...

-Now the dwarf from the north is going to show you I'm best.

-What?

I think Joe is officially nervous.

But that's OK. We'll excuse him that.

BUZZER

And he's on... Let me do that again.

He's off! That's it.

Right the first obstacle for Dynamo Joe is the Dodgeball.

Oh, yeah! Four legends in their own right,

and back again to welcome the competitors to the Qualifier,

by pelting them with small red balls.

Apparently they can only speak four words.

Duck, dive, dodge and destroy.

So, after those early nerves, this looks like a decent start for Joe.

He's doing well... He's not doing so well.

Yeah. Takes his first hit.

But tries to lie down when he probably should have run for it.

Or something.

The Sucker Punch. Joe failed to cross the Sucker Punch last time.

How will he do now, having had that practise? This is...

this is looking good.

Oh, yes. Clear!

Yeah, the Big Balls now. OK, Dynamo Joe, here he goes.

Yes, yes, oh!

All that practising that jumping... HE SHOUTS

Joe, don't interrupt her. Don't ever interrupt Amanda.

See, it was good bounce and then another good bounce.

And then... no, it all went wrong. Got wet.

Now the only thing between Joe and the finish line

are the Cradles of Doom. Let me explain how these work,

using a detailed description

and some state-of-the-art computer graphics.

You jump across them like that.

Joe's put his early nerves behind him. Can he finish in style?

Yes, he can. In a time of 1 minute 44.

Who's the daddy? Who's the daddy?

Clearly, Joe's the daddy.

Dynamo Hannah's daddy. We all know that.

I was listening to you saying something about

not Dynamo Joe Mohammed Ali... what was that?

It's my little rhyme. I was saying to this other bunch,

float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

I'm Dynamo Joe, not Mohammed Ali.

Oh, yeah? Wordsmith as well.

What a great way to start the Legends Special.

But now we need someone who can really light up this course.

Not literally though, obviously. There's a lot of foam out there.

It's all undergone extensive fire safety testing and everything.

It failed. They can catch fire really easily.

I mean, even friction can do it. But I'm sure it'll be fine.

Now, who's this? I can't quite tell.

I don't believe it! It's the One And Only Maria.

A true legend of legends. She wowed the nation with her dancing

and with her uncrushable spirit last time.

She epitomised what Total Wipeout is all about.

Getting coated in mud and falling over a lot.

Oh, my God. This is amazing!

So, Maria, have you been doing much of the physical stuff

in order to prepare you for this, today?

It's funny you say that, I've been for one run.

I've done a few sit ups. And a moon walk. I've got that down to a tee.

So, that'll help me get through.

Oh, yes. I can't wait to see this moon walk.

Any minute now she'll do the moon walk. Seriously.

Any minute she's actually going to moon walk for us.

It's going to happen.

-Oh, I nearly fell over there!

-Oh, dear.

Last time I was the One And Only,

but this time I'm back,

for the Final Countdown!

Because I'm Simply The Best. Whoa!

Oh, it's a medley!

Beautiful. I've missed you, Maria.

A new challenge awaits, of course.

Oh, no.

Yeah. Dodgeball.

Good dodging. Oh!

Right on the noggin!

Ow. That's some pretty accurate ball throwing.

But Maria doesn't move an inch. She's a professional... Oh.

Yeah, that's to be expected.

Oh, yeah. She certainly is the one and the only.

Maria will be hell bent on making it through the Qualifier

after finishing one place from the bottom last time round.

A legend.

A little magic on the balls should go a long way to making that happen.

Come on.

Oh, Maria, watch out for the Motiva... ha!

Yep. That's the Motivator.

-Oh, the big boom.

-Yeah, it was.

I can still see the imprint of her bum.

Maria, you have been motivated.

See?

She got a move on, didn't she?

It does work. Look. One minute - not going. Next minute - going.

Really fast with her eyes shut.

Fabulous.

£75 that Motivator cost.

Money well spent.

So, it's on to the Cradles of Doom.

# Final Countdown La la la... #

Oh, good. Oh, she's made the first cradle.

Come on, Maria. A strong finish here.

Come on, the whole nation is behind you. We are. We want you to do well.

Come on. Here we go. There she goes...

Oh, no.

Oops.

The One And Only Maria finishes in 5 minutes 24.

Just one thing left for her to do.

# I am the One And Only Nobody I'd rather be... #

That's my girl.

That was unbelievable.

Oh! I tell you what...

Ha, ha, ha. Boom, boom!

Literally boom.

Right, who's next? Oh, brilliant.

It's 38-year-old Sunbed Jonny.

-Welcome back. Orange as ever I see.

-Yeah, still using the sunbed.

Hoping to win so I can get another one.

Listen, a lot's happened since the last time I saw you.

-Tell me what's been going on?

-My twin brother came, didn't he?

He won. So I can't go back empty-handed.

There's a lot of rivalry between us.

I've just got to beat him. Need to beat him.

Now, Sunbed Jonny's Dodgeball experience

from his first time on the show should stand him in good stead...

if you call getting your head knocked off by a ball "experience".

Ooh, don't hit me(!)

So, he's doing better than last time.

That is, still sort of on his feet.

Oh, no, spoke too soon.

Spot the weaker brother.

If he wins, Jonny has said he's going to buy another sunbed.

Oh, yup. That's just what that guy needs.

Another sunbed. Yup, here we go.

Oh!

That's not mud splashing out of the water, by the way. That's fake tan.

Oh, your brother is going to love that.

Jonny's time of 2 minutes 46 is pretty good

but will it be enough to see him through to the next round?

I don't believe it!

It's 37-year-old MC Philly-Phil.

He hails from the mean streets of Barnsley.

He may not look like an MC but check out his flow.

-RAPS:

-# I'm Phil, I'm 33 I'm in the place to be

# I want to win this thing on the BBC

# I got my mamma in the hood Saying I should

# Try my best to beat the rest. #

MC Philly-Phil is back no doubt with something extraordinary lined up.

-RAPS:

-# Obstacles come in different shapes and sizes

# But the best ones are always the surprises

# And I know I'll be in with a shout

# When I find out who's going to wipeout. #

Yup, that was extraordinary. Phil went out on the Sweeper last time.

In the words of popular rap artist Mr Snoop Doggy-Dog,

will he make it to the Wipeout Zone this time round, is all?

Not if the Dodgeball boys have any say in it he won't. No! Oh, ow.

Ouch!

Guessing that kind of hurt.

What are you here to prove today, Phil?

I'm here to prove that anybody off the street can become a rapper

a dancer, a Wipeout celebrity.

Well, One out of three ain't bad, Phil.

Yeah. Time for MC Philly-Phil to freestyle with the Sucker Punch.

Here we go.

Oh, ah.

Phil proves he knows how to get down and dirty.

Very dirty.

That's a time of 3 minutes 26 in the end. Quicker than Maria.

Slower than everyone else.

-And that, my friends, is a wrap.

-That's four

-legenderous

-performances down.

-And while I'm making up words, next to run are a pair of

-competitorettes

from the sunny south coast.

-Who will be crowned

-betterest?

Will I start speaking normally again? I really hope so.

I'm annoying myself.

Ah, remember Charlene?

21-year-old make-up artist and former Miss Bournemouth.

She was a real girly girl. Yeah, she looks so pretty in pink.

Less pretty after a visit to the Qualifier.

Well, she's back now to prove she's the queen of the English Riviera.

While Bournemouth has Charlene, Portsmouth has Amy.

The 19-year-old model immortalised by a pair of magic shorts.

She's back to prove she's the south coast's finest.

Amy, the last time you were here,

you had what we tend to call them, in the business,

-quite of few of those wedgy things, didn't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

I don't care if I get a wedgy.

I am not pulling it out. I'm going.

So, Amy is up and away.

Oh, dear. Did she just...already?

Yup, the magic's return.

Hard to believe they are different shorts.

I'm hopeful Amy will have a strong start

because she is desperate to make it. Oh!

Oh, no. I'm way too hopeful.

The Dodgeball boys are suckers for a pretty face.

I expect them to go easy on Charlene.

Yup, they're... definitely going easy on her.

Oh! I really must stop saying things like that.

Yeah, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

I'm not talking about that hit on the bonce.

Those red balls like totally clash with that pink leotard thing.

It's terrible. Back to Amy and her new magic shorts.

She promised she wouldn't pull them out of her bottom.

Yeah, we can all make promises, but needs must.

Right, the Sucker Punch.

And...oh, Amy's already in.

That mud is almost 30% motor oil.

So it should help those squeaky shorts at least. No.

Can Charlene do any better?

She's so pretty in pink.

Oh, Charlene got all the way to Dizzy Dummies last time.

She'll want to make the most of this second chance

and go one better today.

The Big Balls now.

Oh!

Oh, yup. Sheer delight etched on her face.

Good to be back, eh, Charlene?

Quite superb form off that second ball.

Amy and her new magic shorts finish in 3 minutes 19,

but Charlene does it in 3 minutes 13,

and Formerly Miss Bournemouth takes the title.

-Only one wedgy this time.

-Was there only one? I can't remember.

Well done, bye.

So, Charlene is Total Wipeout's south coast queen.

But can either of them make it into the next round?

Today's first legends leader's board looks like this.

Dynamo Joe's up there in top spot,

with Sunbed Jonny in second and Formerly Miss Bournemouth in third.

Amy and her new magic shorts are in fourth,

with MC Philly-Phil in fifth and the One And Only Maria

in sixth and last place.

This just gets better. 42-year-old Irish athlete G-Force Geraldine.

I'm a living legend for life.

Yeah. Which might not be very long depending how the Qualifier goes.

42-year-old Geraldine exploded through the Qualifier,

but surprisingly crashed out on Crash Mountain

back in the hazy mists of time.

But she's made it to the balls in super quick time.

This woman only knows one way.

Oh, now she knows two ways. Yeah. And that one's the wrong way.

Geraldine bringing a bit of Irish tradition

to the Total Wipeout Qualifier.

Someone really must have a word with the wardrobe department.

We've all sorts of trouble this week.

This is looking like a very good time.

And she's on to the second cradle.

No, she's overbalanced. Or is it underbalance?

She's fallen off is what she's done.

And either way that is the most surprising fall of the day.

She may be strong but those shorts are very small.

She must feel the breeze. That is a quick time of 2 minutes 23,

which puts her in second place for now.

From one explosive competitor to another.

It's the quite fantastic Exploding Kenny.

He was the guy who...

Well, yeah, exploded.

That's what he does all day as a science communicator

at the Glasgow Science Centre. Apparently.

These legends don't frighten me!

I'm going to be the most legendary legend!

Yeah, Kenny. You're supposed to go OUT with a bang,

not start with one, cos... We'll come back.

These next two competitors have one thing in common,

besides them both being men and both being called Ali.

It's that they both left Total Wipeout

cursing their size and weight.

39-year-old Ali had a unique approach to the Big Balls.

I try to do like jiggedy, biggedy, diggedy, bop.

But I done like jiggedy, biggedy, splash.

That... that is the fun, isn't it?

Ali, how you doing?

Hello, honey. Nice to see you back. Yes, I am here again.

And have you been down the gym,

pumping extra iron, so that you can ensure first place this time?

No, the first time I was a little chunky and heavy.

This time is I cut the protein.

So, Ali reckons he's lost weight.

Let's have a look.

It's like a very difficult game of spot the difference.

Even the vest is the same. I hope he washed it, that's all.

26 year old Disco Al showed off his dancing skills

way back in series two.

Back then he claimed he was going eat the course. No, really. He did.

Since you've been here last, what have you been up to?

Well, I've got back from this,

realised I am grossly overweight. And very unfit.

So, I've went to the gym and lost three and a half stone, so...

Good for you. So, you're extra fit this time?

It may not be like super fit. But it's better than I was.

I'm here to smash my qualifying time from last time.

Just lay off the dancing, Al, and you'll be, uh, fine.

Might have lost the weight. But he hasn't lost that dancing talent.

You can't lose what you don't have.

That's a new move there.

Yeah! Oh, the lawnmower.

A perennial favourite. Always a good one.

You, you, you and you... bring it on!

The only language they understand, Alistair, is pain. Yours.

Dodgeball is first for Disco Al.

Yes, successfully batting them away so far.

Nice, neat. Oh, on his face.

Up you get, Al. Come on.

Get off your back, Alistair!

Oh. No mercy.

Oh, dear.

OK, so not a blistering start. But there is a long way to go.

Can Jiggedy Just-as-biggedy Ali do any better?

He's doing well so for.

That ENORMOUS amount of weight he's shifted apparently

seems to have made all the difference.

Yeah, do check you've had a spray, Amanda. It's hot out there.

Oh, getting pretty hot out there on the Dodgeball as well.

Oh, that's got to hurt. Right on the tip of the nose.

Back to the disco diva now.

As he approaches the Big Balls.

With all the enthusiasm of a man

who's already experienced just how much they can hurt.

Come on, Al, come on.

Bear in mind the Motivator is poised and ready to spring.

Ah-ha ha! That was brilliantly bad.

Disco Al slips on the ledge with quite spectacular consequences.

He really is an all-out entertainer. He's doing it for us.

Can Ali match that? What's he got lined up?

How do you feel about the big red balls?

Jiggedy, piggedy, bom. No... Jiggedy, biggedy, diggedy, bom.

Yeah, of course. Why would he do anything else?

Quick glance at the ever-stationary Motivator.

'Jiggedy, piggedy...'

..Splash?

Jiggedy Just-as-biggedy Ali makes it home in 2 minutes 26.

Which is a good time.

Now, can Disco Al finish with a bang?

One Cradle of Doom. Here he goes.

Oh! When I said bang, that wasn't what I had in mind.

Ow.

Disco Al posts a time of 4 minutes 5 seconds.

A full 8 seconds faster than last time. Well, done, Al.

No strength left to cheer, but he's happy.

Right, Eduardo's found all the bits of Exploding Kenny

and stuck him back together. And defused him.

Here he is at the Sucker Punch.

Ow, that looked painful.

TOILET FLUSHES

OK, all sorted. Who's next?

-Marion.

-Who?

Oh, CSI Marion. Yeah, I remember... ish.

What was the reason for you being thrown into the water last time?

Well, initially it was those Dodgeball boys.

Yes, you took quite a pasting back then.

And she was blonde.

Bet that'll fox them.

But this time I'm not getting in the water at all. I'm staying dry.

Bold words. 43-year-old police diver Marion

made it into the top 10 first time around.

She was tenth.

But she's going well.

And she's the first person today to make it past the Dodgeballs.

Cradles now for CSI Marion.

One down and one to go.

Making the transfer... tricky. Easy does it. Two down.

Still sort of one to go. That final leap.

Can she complete this as well?

Yes, she's done it.

The first to complete the cradles today with a very quick time.

2 minutes 13. She is today's fastest lady legend.

Back to Kenny now, who's making good time on the Qualifier.

He's already at the cradles.

A good finish here should see him, just about...

Oh, why do I always do that? Sorry.

Like a damp squib, Exploding Kenny squelches over the finish

in 2 minutes 54 seconds.

Which means he's safely in the top 12 for now.

He really wants to get that looked at, you know.

So, that's 10 runners run with several still un-run.

And already, as I had hoped, the Legends show is delivering.

They fell off things last time and they're doing it again... lots.

# You know your love

# Keep on lifting me

# Higher

# Higher and higher

# I said your love

# Keep on lifting me

# Higher and higher. #

'Boom!'

Brilliant. But I love these guys.

Anyway, it's time for another legendary legend.

I can hardly contain myself.

Don't worry, I have. It's just this belt's a bit broken and it could...

but I am contained. Who's next?

Oh, yes, it's 19 year old former pastry roller from Cornwall, Perran.

He's got the most spectacular Sweeper Wipeout to his name,

along with the least spectacular interview technique.

Perran, you are just oozing cool.

-Are you excited about the course today?

-Yeah.

-Really looking forward to it then, are we?

-Yeah, man.

Can he contain his excitement,

having been asked back for another bite of the Total Wipeout cherry?

So, is it good to be back on Total Wipeout, Perran?

Fantastic.

Yeah.

Yeah. he can contain his excitement. He can. Right, he's off.

And it's Dodgeball first, remember.

Now these boys are part human, part robot.

Whereas Perran's part Cornishman, part Wookiee.

This could be quite a battle. Oh.

Ah, it's moving, when you see it in slow motion.

In a really odd sort of way.

This is a very quick time as Perran speeds towards the Big Balls.

Whoa, oh, oh!

That was tremendous!

That's got to be the fall of the day on the Big Balls. Incredible!

Perran on to the cradles in a flash.

Makes his move. Second cradle now.

Can he finish in style and leap frog Joe at the top of the leader board?

Yes, he can. In an electric 1 min 34.

Now, he must have something to say about that.

Come on, a comment. Yes.

Give the man a chat show.

The Legends leader board now look like this.

With Chatty Perran in top spot,

Dynamo Joe in second and CSI Marion in third.

G-force Geraldine is fourth and sunbed Jonny is sixth.

Exploding Kenny is seventh. Formerly Miss Bournemouth eighth.

Disco Al is down there in eleventh.

With the One and Only Maria in 12th.

They might not have realised it yet,

but the epithet legend wasn't necessarily bestowed upon this lot

because of their brilliance.

Although in Perran's case he is good, isn't he? Chatty, no.

But good, yes.

These next two legendary ladies are a right pair of speed queens.

25-year-old Bouncy Becky was the fastest girl in her show.

And 30-year-old Can-Can Clair was the quickest in her Qualifier.

But who can go quickest today?

And can either of them outpace Perran?

I bet they can't-can't.

I don't know. Now, on Becky's previous outing on the Qualifier

she became one of the very few to manage the dodge part of Dodgeball.

How will she get on today?

Oh, ouch. Ow, ow.

That makes her success first time around

start to look like beginner's luck.

Back in her previous show,

Can-Can Clair screamed around the Qualifier,

on her way to a lightning-quick time that saw her top the leader board.

But Dodgeball is a whole different kettle

of bearded, Argentinean ball-throwing fish.

Her bottom's eating her shorts!

Yeah, that is happening.

And like Amy, Clair ignores her unfortunate wedgy and powers on.

Meanwhile, Bouncy Becky has reached the big bouncy balls

in a very fast time.

Bounce, bounce...

Yes.

-Hang on!

-Oh, no.

It was all going so well.

Clair and her carnivorous shorts are onto the cradles now.

The university lecturer and part-time burlesque dancer

needs a strong finish here.

There she goes.

Yes, yes... oh, no.

Still despite her very obvious impairment,

Clair reaches the finish line

in a rather tasty 2 minutes and 8 seconds.

Recruitment officer Becky is looking even faster

as she takes on the cradles. Quickly on to the second.

-And rather too quickly off it.

-Splash.

Still, a time of 2 minutes and 6 seconds

puts her up towards the top of the leader board.

Who's next to go? Ah, yeah.

It's the 23-year-old puppeteer from Surrey, Catherine.

My name is Catherine V-Rock. And the V stands for invincible.

No, no, no, it doesn't.

V... there's an I. V stands for vincible.

Which isn't really a word.

In case you've forgotten,

Catherine was the one who brought that freaky puppet with her.

..Nice in a pie!

Don't be fooled by Catherine's sweet demeanour though.

She is one tough cookie. Oh, not that tough, obviously.

# Put your right leg in Your right leg out... #

It's like being at one of the kids parties she takes that puppet to.

Right, Catherine the Ventriloquist moves on to the cradles.

Makes the move.

She's across! That's a surprisingly good time of 2 minutes 28.

Before moving on, I'd just like to take a moment

to highlight a common interest

amongst lots of Total Wipeout contestants. Amanda.

Several contestants a week confess their undying love for my co-host.

Even when she's laughing at them

wallowing about in the Argentinean mud.

And these next two are no exception.

This sexy thing is Dean the Builder from Darlington.

And this Casanova is Danger Island Tom from Gloucester.

Last time round, Dean had his eye on just one thing.

And it wasn't the £10,000 prize.

Amanda, I'm doing this for you.

Dean fell for Amanda all right. In fact, he fell for her several times.

Although I got the sense that Amanda wasn't that impressed.

But Dean's got some competition.

Danger Tom is back.

This is for you, Amanda.

-Ah!

-Tom's infectious enthusiasm

and general geekiness had a strange affect on Amanda.

Please, Sucker Punch, don't get my little Tom.

And Dean's apparently written a song for Amanda,

that comes from the heart.

-SHOUTS:

-My name is Dean and I can't sing!

You won't hear me whinge or moan!

As long as I'm in the Total Wipeout Zone!

Dean, Dean, are you sure?

Now, can Dean impress Amanda with his performance on the Big Balls?

What strategies are you going to do differently than last time?

It's going to be all brain instead of brawn this time.

Using that. And that's what I didn't use last time.

That's it, it's all brawn. Totally brawn.

With obviously a bit more brain.

It's like listening to Stephen Fry.

Dean cunningly waits where the Motivator can't get him. Clever.

-# Can he jump it? Dean the builder. #

-This guy's cleverer than he looks.

No, no he can't.

I have to say in his defence, in slow motion,

that is strangely elegant.

While Dean's been impressing Amanda, Tom has made it to the Sucker Punch.

Oh, Sucker Punch, please leave my Tom alone.

Oh, no. No!

Yes. That's just rubbing salt in the wound for Amanda.

It's Dean's turn to shine now.

Steps casually on to the first cradle. Then the second. Good grief.

Wow. Well, what woman doesn't like a man

who can walk quite quickly across foam cradles?

-And in 2 minutes 22 seconds.

-Bring it on.

Yes. And Amanda's got to be even more impressed by that.

It's 2 minutes 7 for Tom.

Now, who's this? Er...

Doctor Monkey's back and I'm going to swing through this course!

Doctor Monkey? Why was she called Doctor Monkey?

Oh, yeah. She's a doctor.

Remind us what that was all about.

I think the best way to describe this, Amanda, is an action.

OK, nurse, can we get the sleeping gas again, please?

And the screens.

Doctor Monkey made it all the way to Dizzy Dummies last time.

So she'll be determined to go one better today.

Oh, you can't punch a doctor. It's not allowed.

The way this is going, Heloise is in for a cracking time

as she approaches the Big Balls.

And that is quite a jump.

Oh, quite a fall. One always follows the other.

A bit more like a spider monkey.

# Now I'm the king of the swingers oh, the jungle VIP... #

It's an interesting technique, actually.

More like a frog than a monkey, I think, technically.

Ah, swinging next. This is much more Heloise's thing.

She does actually seem more comfortable with this obstacle.

And this is looking like a good time.

Oh, it is. 1 minute 33.

That is the fastest time today.

After that incredible run

Doctor Monkey is today's most legendary Legend,

with Chatty Perran in second and Dynamo Joe in third.

Bouncy Becky is fourth.

Danger Island Tom fifth and Can-Can Clair is sixth.

Dean the Builder is in eighth.

Jiggedy Just-as-Biggedy Ali is tenth,

with Sunbed Jonny scraping into the top twelve in last place.

Well, done to those legendary 12

who are all one step closer to their first visit to the Wipeout zone.

But you can't have winners without losers.

That's what I call Total Wipeout karma.

For every good thing that happens,

an equally funny thing must also happen.

So, it's time to remember the losers. For them this is deja vu.

They've tackled Total Wipeout again.

And they've lost...again!

# We are always running For the thrill of it, thrill of it

# Never looking down, I'm just ignoring what's in front of me... #

Christopher Columbus sailed the seven seas.

Sir Ranulph Fiennes conquered Everest.

And I once swam 25 metres in my pyjamas at Solihull swimming baths.

But all of these legendary feats

pale in comparison to this next challenge.

Only five will stand victorious.

Seven will ultimately fail.

It's time for Crash Mountain.

On podiums one and two, it's sunbed Jonny...

Ali, you may have the muscles,

but you haven't go the sun tan. You're going down, boy.

Fighting talk. I love it.

..And Catherine the Ventriloquist.

My name is Catherine V-Rock and the V stands for Vengeance.

I'm going to beat you, Crash Mountain.

She's been practicing that. She can spell now.

On podiums three, four and five, it's Dean the Builder...

Man versus machine.

Dean the Legend will be victorious.

-Whoa!

-Pure poetry.

..Dynamo Joe,

looking like a tiny storm trooper,

and CSI Marion.

On podiums six, seven and eight, it's Chatty Perran...

Keep it down, Perran, please.

..G-Force Geraldine and Jiggedy Just-as-Biggedy Ali.

Hey, Jonny, the muscles coming from Brussels.

When you fall down I will laugh loud. Ha, ha, ha!

Jonny looks scared.

On podiums 9 and 10, it's Danger Island Tom...

Where am I look... I don't know. Where I'm looking? There.

This way, Tom. That's it. There you go.

-..And Can-Can Clair.

-Oh, oh.

-Uh-uh.

And finally, on podiums 11 and 12, it's Doctor Monkey and Bouncy Becky.

I was queen of the Crusher. Now I'm going to be queen of Crash Mountain.

Legend tells of a game where 12 heroes become 5.

That is the legend of Crash Mountain.

Are you all ready?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Oh, I don't know why I bother asking. Three, two, one!

So, the legend of Crash Mountain begins.

For the majority of these competitors,

those from the first two series,

Crash Mountain is an entirely new challenge. So, this could get messy.

Oh, and it's Can-can Clair,

a Crash Mountain veteran, that makes the first move.

She needs to time her run.

Oh, she's down.

Oh, and so is Perran.

Clair proving that experience counts for nothing.

Perran just completely missing the bridge.

Bouncy Becky and Doctor Monkey both launch themselves and miss.

As does Sunbed Jonny.

Nervous Joe is on and swiftly off.

Jiggedy Just-as-Biggedy Ali's overshot the bridge.

Still no-one on the middle or even close.

They're coming thick and fast now.

I can't keep on top of this. Nor can they it seems.

There's Perran. Oh, my word.

Perran up to his old tricks again.

He's already got the Best Sweeper Wipeout award.

Obviously after the Crash Mountain one as well. That was brilliant.

Quality work from Perran.

There's Marion. She just missed out on the Dizzy Dummies last time.

She won't want to miss out again.

-Determined. No, she's down.

-Oh.

There's Geraldine and Jiggedy Just-as-Biggedy Ali.

This lot seem to have forgotten the golden rule of this game.

Avoid the sweeper arm.

It seems Perran's just diving in the water for fun now.

Another one for the Total Wipeout archives. Good on you, Perran.

Still no-one has made it to the middle.

Right, that's Dean the Builder.

Come on, Tom.

The impartial Amanda Byram there.

Dean will not be amused.

What can Danger Island Tom do here?

I'm hoping he'll stand up and skip his way to the middle and...

Oh, way too hopeful.

OK, I'm going to make bets

that Tom doesn't make it across this any time soon.

Impartial and so supportive. At least diver Marion is on again.

Quick, quick... no.

Marion goes for a dip. A real bus man's holiday for the police diver.

Dean there. He's been surprisingly quiet.

But he's made it. Well, done, Dean. First of the day.

Dean the victorious!

Dean the Builder - can he run it?

Yes, he can!

Only four places left up for grabs.

Who can join Dean the Builder in the next round?

That's Dynamo Joe making a dash. Can he hold on now?

Yes. He can with a helping hand from Dean.

That display of chivalry has got to impress Amanda.

This is really hotting up.

It's the last chance saloon for the remaining 10,

with only 3 places left in the next round.

Got in the way again.

This is so tense. I can hardly watch.

Doctor Monkey's turn. She was today's fastest qualifier.

She makes a dash...

and she's done it.

Yes!

Only two places left now.

Perran, he's on. At least he's landed on the bridge this time.

And he's made it.

Today's fastest three qualifiers

have all made it through to Dizzy Dummies.

One more.

So, still fighting for that last place in the next round are

Bouncy Becky, CSI Marion, Danger Island Tom, G-Force Geraldine,

Sunbed Jonny, Ventriloquist Catherine,

Can-can Clair and Jiggedy Just As Biggedy Ali.

Catherine doesn't fancy leaving the show just yet.

Oh, but Marion's just taken her out.

She mistimed her jump completely and they're both down.

Could that be their last chance?

Sunbed Jonny, he's on.

Jonny, you've got to get up.

Come on, Jonny. Oh, no, he's down as well.

CSI Marion has another go.

Come on. Go, go, go, go...

Oh, no! That was so close.

So close!

CSI Marion, literally, a fingertip away from a place in Dizzy Dummies.

Catherine now on for another attempt. Oh, she's slipped off.

That could be it for her.

Who is going to make it?

-Geraldine spots an opening and she's done it.

-Geraldine!

After her disappointment last time, she will be thrilled with that.

And you can really see what it means to G-Force Geraldine.

Total Wipeout, making dreams come true.

Ah, I tell you, the hairs are standing up on my arms.

Actually, I think it's a draft from there.

So, Geraldine, Heloise, Joe, Dean and Perran stay in the competition.

Sadly for the others their dream of reaching the Wipeout Zone is no more.

Even more sadly, I can't remember their names

cos I left my notes in the dressing room.

Was there a Welding Wendy?

Little tiny Carrie?

If only there was a way of remembering who they were.

Just can't believe it. I've disappointed myself so much.

I needed to get into that final.

All my dreams down the pan.

Oh, it's impossible. It's just really, really slippy.

And it's moving and you just get flung everywhere.

Such is life.

That was a complete disaster for me. I didn't know when to jump.

And the times that I did jump it smacked straight into me.

And I fell.

I was there with my hand in Joe's hand.

Hoping that he'd pull me up. And I got knocked off.

Really disappointed.

I'd like to see Perran throw up his lunch on Dizzy Dummies.

It would be nice to see something coming out his mouth, anyway.

Dean the Builder, I think he's got a pretty good chance.

He really, really wants it. Go, Dean.

That's jiggedy-biggedy-diggedy splash again. That is...

Normally, it shouldn't be like that.

And just like that, they're out of the game.

But there's no time to mope around on Total Wipeout.

Let's get on with more of the fun stuff. It's time for Dizzy Dummies.

This is really simple.

The contestants are spun in the spinning thing.

That's then followed by a leap through the goalie thing.

Then there's the huge blobby thing. There that.

Last one across that thing is eliminated or something.

Then it happens all over again.

But this time, one of the contestants will be squashed out of contention

with that wall squeeze thing there.

Leaving the first three across to make it into the Wipeout Zone thing. Easy.

They've crossed a water-y ravine.

They've climbed the highest mountain.

And now for their next adventure, our five heroes

are going to get spun around really fast on a really, spinney thing.

Truly the stuff of legend.

It's Dizzy Dummies. Are you all ready?

Oh, well, we're going anyway. Three, two, one.

In case you haven't been paying attention

or just have an appalling memory,

here's a reminder of who's in the game.

That's today's fastest qualifier, Doctor Monkey.

I'm back and I'm going to swing through this course.

Cuddling up to her is the Cornish gas bag Chatty Perran.

Next, is the very bouncy and very nervous Dynamo Joe.

The dwarf from the north is going to show you I'm best.

Northern Ireland's finest, G-Force Geraldine.

I'm a living legend.

And finally the part-time Lothario Dean the Builder.

My name is Dean and I can't sing.

They've stopped and it's G-Force Geraldine out first.

She will be determined to make the most of this second chance.

Having been so unlucky in her last show.

Oh, bit of a road block there as the other four queue up

to get through the goal.

What's Dean up to?

Geraldine's raced ahead.

But there are no points for being first in the water.

Doctor Monkey's on.

Closely followed by nervous Joe.

-Oh, dear.

-Joe took Heloise down.

Down to legend town.

Pulling another contestant down might be against the rules.

But luckily for Joe, Eduardo has misplaced the rule book.

So we'll never know.

Perran's all on his own at the front. Oh, yes, yes.

Traditional Cornish celebration there.

This is close. Get up. Yes, he's done it.

He's a man that lets his actions do the talking.

Not a word. Nothing.

Dean the Builder is trying to cross in the sexiest way possible.

Amanda will be taking note.

He really has been the surprise package, today.

Come on now, Dean. He is so close.

Come on, she's watching. This is looking good.

He can almost touch the finish line

-There you go. Oh!

-Oh, no!

-Yeah.

I think Dean did touch the finish line,

but forgot to hold on to it.

Doctor Monkey seems to have made her way to the end of the blob.

Is she in, though? Oh, she's still here.

Heloise was knocked out on Dizzy Dummies last time.

She won't want to suffer the same fate.

So, she needs to get a move on.

This is excruciating.

It's not dignified, but it is excruciating.

Watch out for Joe! it matters not.

Doctor Monkey had made it all thanks to her incredible monkey grip.

Dean the Builder goes again.

He must be replaying that fall over and over in his head.

But he needs to put that one side now.

Come on, Joe. You might as well throw Dean off.

You've done it to everyone else.

Oh.

He's nearly there, he's nearly there. Come on, Dean.

No... Oh! No, he's off again.

You can see his frustration.

Joe just has to make this jump.

Not as easy as it looks. Then he's set up and ready.

Can he make it this time?

Oh, yes. Yes, Dynamo Joe is safe. Well done, Joe.

Just Dean and Geraldine are left to battle it out.

-Dean's on first.

-Geraldine and Dean.

There's only a Gerald between them.

G-Force Geraldine slips in again.

This is Dean's big chance now.

Oh, I don't believe it. Dean the builder is down.

Could that mean he's going home?

Geraldine has seen that fall and there is a spring in her step again.

And her spring in her sort of crawly slithery thing as well. Yes, oh.

Dean's down.

Use your little Irish legs to get up then.

G-Force Geraldine is through.

She will be relieved.

Absolutely gutted.

I know that you wanted, more than anyone, to get through that.

I did. I wanted to be in the final.

And I'm absolutely devastated.

What happened?

Because there was a moment when you were on the final podium.

I know. Just slipped.

Just could not get the grip. Ha!

Well, unfortunately Dean the Builder could not fix it.

-Go and let those tears out.

-Thank you.

He's not really going to cry, is he?

No, surely. As they head into a spin for one last time, this lot will

have their sights very much set on a place in the Wipeout Zone.

Not one of these four has made it to the Wipeout Zone before.

But now they've been given an opportunity

to have their names etched into Total Wipeout folklore.

For Geraldine, Joe, Perran and Heloise, this is their last chance.

Like four small children chasing an ice cream van, sort of,

they make their way to the goal.

And it's Dynamo Joe first.

Followed by G-Force Geraldine. Joe now, he's miles ahead.

And this bodes well for the nervous chap from Yorkshire.

Perran needs to hurry. The others are getting away.

But they're not having much joy with that wall squeeze.

Two legends popped through the letter box.

Well, Joe's made it through.

But this is going to end in tears for someone...

Ah, Perran.

They'll be Perran's tears.

He landed on Joe, but ended up pushing him on to the pontoon.

Joe just needs to get through the wall squeeze.

Only a mistake can stop him from taking his place in the Wipeout Zone.

Doctor Monkey's just behind.

Closely followed by Geraldine.

Perran's in real danger of being eliminated now.

And Joe is the first through to the Wipeout Zone.

That must be quite some feeling.

Any of these three could be joining Joe. And they've all been so strong today. Geraldine's fallen.

G-Force Geraldine in big trouble.

Heloise makes her jump.

And she's through to the Wipeout Zone. Fantastic.

Now Perran can afford to take his time.

He focuses, he jumps, and he's made it.

Perran, Heloise and Joe all take their place in the Wipeout Zone.

For the very first time.

Geraldine is eliminated.

You were very, very close. In fact you were almost on the final podium.

What exactly happened there?

My head was too big.

-Listen, Geraldine. Hard luck. Go join the others.

-Thank you.

Ah, well done. Hard luck. Bye.

Geraldine. What a legend.

She's playing up to the crowd there.

Oh, that's not supposed to be an obstacle. That's, that's not even on the course.

Finally Joe, Perran and Heloise get to fulfil their greatest dream.

That is assuming their greatest dream consists of being pummelled

with gallons of water and bashed by a knobbly mechanical arm.

Like mine does. Let's find out what all this means to the three lucky legends.

I'm sure Perran will have a lot to say about his experience.

Being back in Argentina is absolutely fantastic.

I never thought I'd get to those big red balls again.

To make it to the Legends final, of all the finals, it's going to be the closest final ever I think.

No chance that I'm going to get beaten.

To be taking part in Total Wipeout all over again.

No words to describe it.

I think I'm going to be the one to beat.

I'm fit and strong but I'm wise.

I think I do deserve to be here.

I've worked very hard. I can't wait. I'm going to love it.

Definitely doing it for the girls.

The only words to describe my Total Wipeout experience would be...

Perran, the man of few words.

-His actions speak louder than words, though.

-Extraordinary.

I'm a little guy with a massive heart

and a zest for life. That's why I'm called Dynamo Joe.

I don't think there'll ever be an end to the monkey business.

Somewhere deep within me knows that I'm a champion.

Let the best man win. Or woman.

I'm going to be a dynamo tonight, certainly.

I'm going to sparkle like the biggest diamond in the world.

Everyone loves me. Everyone cheers for me.

I'm the best.

Legend.

The Total Wipeouts Legends champion will look very nice on my CV.

Thank you very much.

So, Perran, Heloise and Joe find themselves face to face with the legendary Wipeout Zone. Killer Surf.

Don't get killed and try and surf.

The Rapid Climb. Run rapidly or get rapidly wet.

The Balance Beam. It's all about one thing...

balancing and beams.

The Crazy Sweeper.

No sweeping but plenty of crazy running.

The Tarzan swing.

Swing... well like Tarzan obviously.

And finally it's The Buzzer, which is all about buzzing.

It's second chance saloon for three of our legends.

None of them have ever got this far before.

It's the legendary Wipeout Zone.

And the first legend to go is Perran.

Here he goes. Today's second fastest qualifier.

You've got to try this.

Feel the passion. The white hot hunger for victory.

And he's away.

Managed to stop talking long enough to hit the water.

Oh, that is a bumpy landing for Perran. Even in Killer Surf terms.

He's in the water and that's a strong swim over to the Rapid Climb.

Battling against that torrent of water is tough.

And there's now a 10 second countdown

before it's about to get even tougher.

That is a fast ascent though.

Perran reaches the top before the tidal wave is released.

And now he's on to the Balance Beam.

Remember this is Perran's first time in the Wipeout Zone.

He's never tried this before. Missed his chance last time.

Desperate to succeed now. He's looking a little wobbly.

Leans the right way though.

At least he could use the wall to help him along.

He's got to post as quick a time as he can.

He's past the beam.

This is looking like a super fast time on the Wipeout Zone.

The Crazy Sweeper now.

Off he goes. He's got to move fast.

Oh, he's just staying ahead of the Sweeper arm.

And I mean just. Come on...

-Oh! Oh, no.

-Oh!

One jump away from a clean Sweeper sweep.

That means Perran's had to swim over to the Tarzan swing.

Which has cost him time.

To be honest he's still got there pretty quickly.

Here he goes.

This is still a good time.

And it looks good. This is superb.

What a finish.

Barely touched the turntable

and completes the course in a staggering 1 min 33.

That will take some beating.

Perran just goes to show that even with a tumble

on the Crazy Sweeper, it's still possible to set an amazing time.

The next two legends will have to work very hard to top that.

Listen, you're a man of very few words. How did it feel for you?

Fantastic. Do it again.

That was a very speedy 1 minute and 33 seconds.

Whey hey! Brilliant.

Amanda, barely getting a word in edgeways there.

Doctor Monkey's next. Today's fastest qualifier.

Here goes nothing Doctor Monkey!

KLAXON

She's off.

Heloise starts the Wipeout Zone with a smile on her face.

Or it may have been a grimace.

She's got no idea that Perran's 1 minute 33 is the time to beat.

And that is going to be tough. All she knows is as fast as possible.

That's a strong pull up on to the Rapid Climb.

And the countdown begins.

10 seconds to tidal torrent.

Oh, look at her go. Doctor Monkey is pretty much at the top already.

That is incredible. On to the Balance Beam now.

And Heloise is neck and neck with Perran at this point.

Is she tall enough to reach the wall for balance if she needs it?

Oh, just about.

Well, it's an unorthodox approach.

Using her monkey skills and it seems to have worked.

Yes, well done.

On to the Crazy Sweeper now.

Perran took a dive here so Heloise can still afford one mistake.

Although no mistakes would be better.

She goes for it.

She goes.

Yes, come on, Heloise. What a jump. Fantastic.

Now if there's one thing a monkey should be good at, it's this.

Heloise might still beat Perran's time. I've never seen it this close.

She swings. Yes, good landing.

One final jump. This is going to be very, very close.

I don't believe it. The clock stops on 1, 34. 1 second out.

That is so close to Perran's time.

And worst of all she doesn't know it yet.

Another amazing Wipeout Zone run from another amazing competitor.

Heloise kept up the pace. Pausing only briefly on the Crazy Sweeper.

But she's lost out by the slenderest of margins.

Amanda, it's over to you to tell her.

Oh, my God. My heart is in my mouth. How are you feeling?

Fantastic. That was so much fun.

There was one second between you two.

Perran, you were faster.

Heloise, I'm sorry. You're out.

All that stands between Perran and Total Wipeout glory now

is 45 year old Dynamo Joe.

-Oh, mother, I think I'm going to pack me pants.

-Ugh. That's...

well, there's water at the bottom.

KLAXON

And he's off.

Joe crashlands and his attempt

to beat Perran's incredible time of 1 minute 33 begins.

It's the Rapid Climb first.

Both Perran and Heloise outran the tidal wave.

Can Joe do the same? He's up.

The 10 second countdown has begun.

But Joe looks unconcerned. True to his name he's flying up the slope.

That tidal wave won't be making an appearance today.

These legends are just too good.

On to the Balance Beam now.

Joe opting not to lean on the wall.

Oh, and that decision has cost him.

That's his first big mistake.

There is no room for error now.

Bad news for Joe is that he now faces the Crazy Sweeper.

He's dithering. Come on, Joe, you've got to get a move on.

Now this sprint is crucial. He needs to stay ahead of that sweeper.

Joe skips across the podiums.

Go on, go on. Stay ahead.

Yes, he's made it. He just clears the sweeper arm. And at such speed.

It's so close. Joe can still win.

He could still do it from here.

The Tarzan Swing. Come on, Joe. This is the closest thing I've ever seen.

He's across. If he makes this he will have pulled off the impossible.

And no! I can't believe that.

No-one ever falls off there. But Joe just did.

And by doing so he has let the trophy slip through his fingers.

Joe finishes in what is still a very good time.

He doesn't know he's lost yet.

As you can probably tell from that reaction.

After an early mistake on the Balance Beam

Joe put himself right back in contention.

Only to make that school boy error at the last possible moment.

This has been the closest Wipeout Zone ever.

And it's time for Amanda to reveal the result.

Joe, how you doing?

I'm sort of knackered. Didn't quite go to plan but we still worked hard.

Dynamo Joe

and Perran,

I'm going to put you out of your misery.

Perran, you are the Legends champion.

Well, done! Joe, I'm so sorry.

So, an effusive Perran Pryor

from Cornwall is crowned the Total Wipeout Legends champion.

In so doing the Cornish motor mouth

has written a whole new chapter of his life story.

Honestly, look. I'll read it to you now. Chapter 17.

I won the Total Wipeout Legends Special.

It was nice.

The End. It's an incredible read.

So, that's it for the first ever Total Wipeout Legends Special.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

If you're thinking, where's my cab home?

Then you are thinking what I'm thinking.

HORN BEEPS

Yeah, it's here. OK, from Amanda and me, it's good night.

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