Richard Hammond presents the game show, as ten celebs tackle one of television's largest and most extreme obstacle courses to win £10,000 for a charity of their choice.
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Live from Buenos Aires, it's the obstacle course of the week.
And tonight, it's a celebrity showdown.
Take famous faces - an award-winning actress,
a pair of Olympic legends
and a state-of-the-art Eurovision champion - who go head to head
with an array of obstacles, all in the name of charity.
So let's roll out the red carpet, pop open the champagne and let Celebrity Total Wipeout begin.
Yes, it's Celebrity Total Wipeout time once again, and you can tell
that we're in the presence of showbiz legends because I've got my special showbiz shirt on,
there's this, and for the first time this series,
Amanda Byram is wearing a clean pair of pants.
But whilst Amanda and I will be giving today's competitors
the celebrity treatment, the Total Wipeout course will not.
That's because the laws of gravity and wetness even apply to famous people.
Here's what they're going to be up against.
The Qualifier. A once-in-a-lifetime adventure experience.
Crash Mountain. Fun for all the family.
Under-16s not allowed.
It's a bottom-of-the-range spin-dryer.
The Wipeout Zone, an all-expenses-paid trip
across one of Argentina's most breathtaking landscapes. Mini-bar not included.
Today, all of the celebrities will be attempting the Qualifier and Crash Mountain
before the eliminations begin, which means double trouble for them.
And double funny for us, probably.
Today's winner will be crowned the fourth Celebrity Total Wipeout champion,
following in the famous footsteps of
that guy who was in Holby or something,
that woman, what's her name,
and Dame Judi Dench.
They'll also earn ten grand for the charity of their choice.
Let's reveal this week's line-up.
Oh, look! It's Eurovision-winning national treasure Cheryl Baker.
That's Olympic legend John Regis MBE.
That's... David Bowie? No, can't be!
Ah! It's actor and TV presenter Jeremy Edwards.
That's award-winning actress Margi Clarke.
There's 2001's fastest woman across 400 metres, Katharine Merry.
And these two come as a pair. It's DJs and presenters JK and Joel.
Now, star of EastEnders, actress Nina Toussaint-White is next.
And that's TV presenter Sarah Cawood.
Finally, comedian presenter and now obstacle-course doer, it's Rowland Rivron.
So, the course is ready, the celebrities are in place and, as their agents requested,
the bottles of mineral water have been chilled to precisely three degrees Celsius.
But now it's time to welcome the biggest diva of them all.
Down at the course, it's Amanda Byram.
The first celebrity is one of Liverpool's favourite daughters.
Star of Letter To Brezhnev and Coronation Street, it's Margi Clarke.
Do you have what it takes to get through the Total Wipeout course?
Well, I think the best way to do it is leg it.
Just leg it over everything, and if that doesn't work, I've got to use my secret tactic.
She can't really levitate, can she?
She can as well! Cool!
I'm doing it for the girls!
Not over the hill so much as down the slide.
Yeah, neither legging it nor levitating there,
just sort of falling over, really. But...
She's a feisty pink-haired nugget.
That's never been said before.
An original description. I like it, Amanda.
Right, pink nugget Margi heads towards
the first obstacle of the day.
From the people who brought you Las Traplonkas!, we proudly introduce All-Star Las Traplonkas! -
the same game but with added fame.
It's a must-have accessory for every VIP party-goer.
But if you're not famous, you're not allowed to play.
Being famous has never been so much fun!
All-Star Las Traplonkas!, in celebrity toyshops near you now!
Probably. So, will Margi be our first
celebrity Traplonka of the day?
Here we go. Oh!
Oh, hang on!
No, not that time.
Come on, the pink nugget! Come on!
Brilliant. She's done the first. Can she do the double?
Margi misses the trapeze, and the pink nugget becomes
a sort of brown-tinged nugget. It's all gone wrong.
Margi did play a female boxer in the film Blonde Fist,
so the Sucker Punch may well have met its match.
Looking good. And she's done it!
-Maybe so, Amanda,
but look what's coming up next.
The pink-haired lady from Liverpool approaches the Big Balls.
She's going to show these balls what for.
The motivator lurks above.
Margi jumps first ball,
climbed the second ball, and then water.
I hope that hair dye is waterproof.
What, it really is that colour?!
Margi somehow finding the time for a leisurely paddle.
Come on, girl, get a move on! The final obstacle is waiting for you.
Now, it's time for the Celebrity Cradles Of Doom.
They're back, and on a mission.
Like an angry TV critic, this monster is determined
to send celebrities plummeting to their doom.
One little mistake crossing the pendulums is all it takes
to send the celebrity screaming into the murky depths of Z-list land.
That's the water, to you and me.
Let's see if Scouse legend Margi can get across with her dignity
and her celebrity status still intact.
She moves up. She's onto the first cradle.
Remember, the faster she completes the Qualifier,
the more points she'll get.
Yes. Come on, Margi.
Come on. Oh, no! No, she's doomed.
That's all it takes in celebrity life.
Doomed to a life of supermarket openings and Channel 5 chat shows from hereon in.
Margi finally finishes the Qualifier in 3:56.
Well done, pink nugget. Not a bad effort after all, actually.
I tell you what, you are one feisty little pink-haired mama. That was pretty unbelievable.
-It's amazing. You want to have a go yourself.
-No, I don't.
Next to attempt the Qualifier, it's everyone's favourite superstar pop duo, Jedward.
This is a great booking. Time for some real chart-topping talent.
I'm so pleased. It's not them, is it? No.
My mistake. It's not Jedward, it's Jeremy Edwards with bad hair.
-How are you doing, Jeremy?
-I'm incredibly excited.
I can't wait to get going.
My main thing is to try and get over those balls.
Think of the stories you can tell when you get home, you know. Really macho.
If I make it across those balls, I'm done.
-Go out there and do well for me.
-OK, OK, thanks.
Yes. Go on.
Look, he can actually dance!
Definitely not Jedward, then.
That seals it.
This course doesn't scare me!
Right, surf's up.
And surf's down. Oh, dear.
A valiant attempt at surfing down the slide.
Valiant, but funny for us, and that matters more.
Amongst his irritations on this form here, Jeremy lists cockroaches
and Richard Hammond's teenager haircut. Really?
I'm mature enough to deal with that kind of playground taunting.
Ha! In your face, Jeremy Edwards!
Teenager haircut coming right back at you!
As far as celebrity Traplonkas go, I think Jeremy wears the crown. That was spectacular.
Come on, Jeremy!
Time for heartthrob Jeremy to take on the Sucker Punch.
Don't hurt his face, his agent will kill us.
Oh, he's off! Is his face OK?
Oh, thank goodness for that. It was a shoulder blow.
The face is intact.
Jeremy can do struggling well.
He should put this into his show reel.
He probably won't, will he?
No, he won't.
OK, this is it. Can Jeremy make it to the big time?
Hollywood is calling, Jeremy. Don't do anything crazy now.
Oh! Oh, oh! Disappointing.
Definitely more Hollyoaks than Hollywood.
Forget the chat shows, cancel the American tour.
Just get Holby City back on the blower right now, Jeremy!
He won't get on to an American talk show,
but if he clears the Cradles, Jeremy might just make it
into The One Show. And that's big news.
Oh, and he's done it! In two minutes, four seconds.
Oh! Like a dream!
Yeah, not a bad time for someone who knows nothing about hair!
Don't listen to him, Richard, you look great.
You look like Zac Efron.
So, eight more celebrities to go. And not a bruised limb, angry agent or superstar tantrum in sight. Yet.
Over the years, history has provided us with some great partnerships.
Sonny & Cher, Little and Large, Hammond and Byram.
(I've never actually met her.)
Here on Total Wipeout, we like to pay homage to great double acts, too.
So we now bring you kids' TV presenters and radio DJs extraordinaire JK and Joel.
That's JK on the left.
And that's Joel.
He's two years, three inches and ten kilos greater than his on-screen counterpart.
My money's on the big one.
I'm not going to beat around the bush here.
-Which one of you's the fitter one?
-I'd have to go for JK, definitely.
Fine line between confident and arrogant. You've got to work out which one it is!
Yes, I am confident when it comes to stuff like this. I'm a little bit more energetic.
I've been in secret training, which I don't want to talk about...
I can't tell you. I can't tell you. No, no, no!
-It's nothing like that, no.
-Upper-body strength is really good!
That's it, look at that muscle!
Good luck out there. May the best man win.
OK, Joel skids off...
..while JK kind of waddles.
Oh, great jump, though. And a really quick start.
Encourage them, please. Look at him go!
Right, JK's at the Traplonks now. And he's over.
Second one. Oh, amazing!
JK's the first-ever celebrity Traplonka!
He'll be proud. So how can Joel outdo JK now?
But he's across the first.
We could have our first-ever pair of celebrity Traplonkas here.
We could. This would be... Ow! Oh!
Joel bit off more than he could chew there, resulting in a bruised ego,
and quite possibly a bruised behind to match.
Ouch. The Big Balls will surely sort the men from the boys
and the JKs from the Joels.
Joel is up first,
setting a benchmark for JK.
Come on, big man! A nation watches.
Come on. Come on!
There he goes, he's off.
The benchmark has been set at one ball.
Can JK at least match that?
Well, surely. OK, JK's attempt.
Ooh, he's already beaten Joel.
Three! Could he go all the way? He's looking good.
Oh, no, the fourth! No celebrity's ever made it across, ever.
But JK has!
He becomes the first famous person to defeat the Big Balls.
No stopping to celebrate,
this man is on a mission! So JK's traversed the Traplonks.
He beat the Big Balls. Can he now also conquer the Cradles Of Doom?
Wow! He's done it. And in one minute, 28.
Even by civilian standards, that is an incredible time.
Ow, belly flop there, that will hurt.
So how will Joel do?
Slides onto the second cradle.
Crouches, ready to pounce.
And he's there! Joel finishes in three minutes, 15 seconds.
Almost two minutes behind JK.
But I'm sure he'll be unselfishly thrilled
for his friend and colleague.
As soon as we get back to England, he'll be telling everybody, "I got over the red balls."
Every time we watch this, he'll be going, "Oh, I've done that. I can do that."
So... Ah, so proud of him.
Next up, it's star of EastEnders, actress Nina Toussaint-White.
Nina trained at the world-famous Italia Conti Academy,
and now it's time for her to take centre stage on the Qualifier.
-What's happening now?
-It's show time, Nina.
There you go. Action!
Nina made her professional debut on Casualty back in 2007.
Let's hope she doesn't end up back there
in an impossibly-ironic twist.
First Traplonk. Oh, oh!
Oh, that was Dot Cotton - rotten.
You see? Yeah.
Ouch. Sucker Punch now.
She's on, she's moving well. She's off.
She's just off that. Right, Big Balls time.
And especially for Nina, they're EastEnders-themed.
Yeah, you're right to be scared, Nina.
-Oi! Ow! Ricky!
Right in Phil Mitchell's boat race.
Great effort, but Nina ended up in the Walford canal.
She'll love all this when she watches it afterwards. She will.
Nina, of course, no stranger to cliff-hangers,
so let's see how she gets on with this.
-Tune in to the next episode of Total Wipeout to find out.
Heh heh heh!
No, only joking.
Carry on. There she goes! Nina finishes in two minutes, 56.
Surely she'll be happy with that.
Look out for Nina on Crash Mountain, definitely.
I'm going to wipe them boys out, hopefully.
Time now for a quick look at the first celebrity leaderboard,
where ball-crossing JK sits proudly in the top spot.
Jeremy Jedwards is second, Nina Toussaint-White third.
JK's other half, Joel, is fourth.
And pink nugget Margi is down in fifth place.
So JK becomes the first celebrity to join the exclusive club of Big Ball crossers.
A club that's so VIP, only he's allowed in it.
And even he's not allowed in it in those trainers.
Impressive, but not a patch on the next competitor's most famous achievement.
Has JK ever won Eurovision and had his skirt ripped off on national TV?
Yeah. Well, he definitely hasn't won Eurovision.
Here's a lady who's done both of these things. It's Cheryl Baker.
I may not be young, and I may not be fast.
I'll be trying to win, but I'll probably come last!
I want her to win!
And she's off.
She's in. Come on, Cheryl.
Never mind, there's a pair of Supermen right there.
That's handy. Yeah.
-It'll be great when she's got going.
Don't worry, Cheryl, just like back in '81, the country is behind you.
You can do this. Leave the skirt on, but you can do this.
# And then you've got to slow it down... #
Oh, I see, speed it up, slow it down, speed it up, slow it down.
MUSIC SLOWS DOWN
It's not working.
That's my childhood hero, that.
Yep, United Kingdom, nul points.
Come on, Cheryl. You're a real live Record Breaker.
You zipped down the world's longest rope slide,
been part of the world's longest Riverdance.
These Big Balls are surely just a walk in the park
for a lady like you. Yeah!
Deep breath. Yep!
MUSIC: "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite" by REM
I'd say that fall was maybe more back-breaking than Record Breaking.
A quick tortoise impression there.
-I'm really scared.
I'm really scared.
Looking so brave, so far, Cheryl.
She's only nice to some, isn't she?
Come on, Cheryl, you can do this.
First jump. She may be scared, but Cheryl Baker is no quitter.
Oh, no, no.
No, that pesky gravity.
Brave Cheryl finally finishes the course in just under ten minutes.
And she's still standing! Just.
I am so proud of you, do you know that?
You literally did run out of Fizz half way through that, but you battled on, you kept on going.
-You did it!
-It was the hardest thing I've done.
I'm so glad it's over.
There's more, isn't there?
It's comedian and TV presenter Rowland Rivron, who's looking a little perplexed.
Maybe his agent told him he'd been booked for Strictly Come Dancing.
-That would be a shock.
-How are you doing, Rowland?
I'm very good. I'm wearing red, the international colour of danger.
It's also the colour worn by all the characters in Star Trek who end up getting killed.
So, good luck with that, Rowland.
Oh, that's a cracking start.
I've never seen the pontoons done like that before.
It's like watching a foal learning to walk, isn't it? Kind of... No.
Rowland's T-shirt is signalling the first real sign of danger.
-No, he's going in the wrong direction.
Yes, that's more like it.
The danger alert is going into overdrive now
as Rowland approaches the Big Balls.
I can barely watch, but contractually I'm obliged to.
I signed the thing. There we go. Oh, comedy gold.
And there he goes,
more slap in the face than slapstick,
but a brilliant effort nonetheless.
Time now for the terrifying Cradles Of Doom.
No, all clear. His T-shirt doesn't seem to agree, though.
Can Rowland make the second cradle? Yes, he can. One last jump now.
All to play for. He makes it, finishes in three minutes, 38.
-I'm totally shocked!
Rowland Rivron, you are a little dark horse, aren't you?
I can be, for cash.
That was the beast that is Rowland Rivron.
Now it's time for the beauty that is
TV presenter and former ballerina Sarah Cawood.
She's doing some ballet moves now.
That's the half nelson, and that's an up and under.
I don't know anything about ballet, actually.
Now, that's another one.
I'm sacrificing my dignity for light entertainment.
Now let's watch this former ballerina bounce.
And she's off!
It's not a water park, Sarah, but never mind, she's in.
At least she's enjoying herself.
Sarah was discovered performing in Phantom Of The Opera,
doing moves very similar to what's going on now.
I don't want Hammond being sarky
about the fact that I'm about to go in the mud. But I am.
Me? No, as if! No.
Oh, man alive!
I'm saying nothing. I'm really not.
-Don't provoke them.
-You wouldn't like them when they're angry.
Told you so. We did warn you. Sarah is no stranger to famous balls.
She's a former presenter of the National Lottery draw.
We're using set of balls number four and the machine
Bouncealot, chosen by Eduardo from Buenos Aires.
Drawmaster, release those balls.
Oh! Oh, she's still on.
This is impressive.
I should point out that's ball number two,
and it's its 23rd appearance in the show so far.
This is looking very promising.
She's on! That's ball number three.
An old favourite, 47 appearances this year already.
This is looking very good.
Oh, yes, ball four! Incredible, I can't believe this!
Sarah Cawood might be about to defeat the balls too.
Is four going to be Sarah's lucky number?
Yes, she has! That's two celebrities in one show clear the balls.
Are we sure? They're definitely the celebrities, not real people?
Someone sneaking in?
OK. That is amazing!
Cradles Of Doom now. Can Sarah continue her winning streak?
That is a great start.
-It does take it out of you.
Onto the second now, this is looking very good.
Come on, finish it, finish it.
I'm about to fall in the water.
No, you're not. Come on. And splat, she's done it!
-Did I just do that?
-Yes, you did!
-I think you'll find I did!
-Four minutes, two seconds.
-No, thank you, please.
-I made it over the balls!
Not delicately and not gracefully and not with aplomb, but that's not what counts.
What counts is making it over the balls.
So, Sarah Cawood joins JK in the celebrity ball-beating club...
..giving them both super-legendary status.
Just like the next two famous contenders.
In lane one, it's Olympic bronze medallist Katharine Merry.
And, in lane two, it's Olympic gold-winning legend
John Regis MBE, AKA the Tank.
Who ate all the pies, eh?!
I'm being serious here, what's going on?! Can you get us both in, yeah?!
What do you make of John Regis' chances?
John's older than me. His age will catch him out today, and his weight as well.
By the time the man blows the whistle, she'll have pulled a hamstring.
So I can take it that you're not at all intimidated by the other Olympian in the competition today?
What's her name again?
OK, it's time for the biggest Olympic battle since, well, the last Olympics.
Fighting words from Katharine Merry.
In 2001, Katharine was the world's fastest woman across 400 metres.
So, don't blink, else you might miss her.
Her running style is a bit more wobbly than I remember.
I think she didn't look like this before.
No, she's adapting.
First Traplonk, and she's making good time.
Second Traplonk. And... Almost. No, back she goes.
Oh, here we go and she's... Oh.
On to the Sucker Punch.
Takes an early hit, but she's holding on.
Heads. Heads. Tails.
Better luck on the Big Balls, maybe.
Oh, she's down again. Come on, Katharine.
Don't show John any weakness. It is time to shine.
Here we go. First ball, second...
No, not the third.
Look, it's really difficult, OK?
Final obstacle, and that's a very neat landing onto the first cradle.
Oh, belly flop onto the second. There could be some high points
available here if Katharine makes this final jump.
And, she's done it, in two minutes, 16.
Look at that. That there is the face of a champion.
Right there, lying down. OK, let's see how John does.
This is Sparta!
OK, under starter's orders, and he's off. Oh.
If this was Sparta, he'd have been left behind for being a bit clumsy.
That's quite a delicate little run going on as well.
John, time to man up for the Traplonks.
Oh, he flies through the air with the greatest of ease
and lands with... some difficulty, but he does land.
One more Traplonk to go.
Yes, complete the pair. Here we go! Oh.
OK, can the man mountain scale the Sucker Punch wall?
The Sucker Punch is on good form.
Sadly, you know, maybe John's... Not good.
No time to wallow - it's on to the Big Balls.
World champion. Olympian.
Look at that. Wow!
And it's graceful, athletic moves like this that make me think
the Big Balls should be in the 2012 Olympic Games.
I'll go to a meeting somewhere and prove it.
Right, time for that sprint finish I mentioned earlier.
No, not quite the sprint I was looking for.
Bit of a slip, but here we go.
Balance achieved. Smooth!
Not so smooth.
Lucky for John, the 200 metres isn't held on top of 40-foot foam obstacles.
If they were, he'd have been rubbish at it.
So John clambers to the finish line
with a time of three minutes and six seconds.
And the Tank that is John Regis
was beaten by Katharine Merry by a full 50 seconds.
How will he take the news?
-It's all the extra weight, son.
Well, in the next game
-I shall come back.
-Is he in it?!
Well, I think I'm in the next game!
Yes, you are, John. Everybody is. You obviously didn't read the welcome pack we gave you.
As today's competitors are celebrities, they all get special treatment.
If you want a definition of celebrity, please press the red button.
They all go through to Crash Mountain,
and they're all still in with a chance of trousering that ten grand prize for a charity of their choice.
Let's take a look at the leaderboard.
JK's top of the class with ten points.
Jeremy Jedwards second with nine.
Katharine Merry's in bronze position.
Nina's fourth. John Regis is fifth.
Joel is sixth, Rowland is seventh,
pink nugget Margi eighth, ball queen Sarah Cawood is ninth.
And last but by no means least, it's Cheryl Baker.
Time now for the showbiz event of the novelty-assault-course year.
The Oscars of obstacles, the BAFTAs of bruises, the TV Quick Awards of, erm... Anyway, it's Crash Mountain.
The aim of the game is simple.
Celebrities must step onto the red-carpet arm and strut their way to the central podium,
avoiding the wrath of the brutal sweeping paparazzi arms as they go.
First across gets a maximum ten points, second over gets nine points, and so on.
The scores are added to the points from the Qualifier.
The five highest-scoring celebrities will progress to Dizzy Dummies.
The losers will be immediately forgotten.
Here are the nominees -
on podiums one and two it's ball queen Sarah Cawood...
Well, I conquered the balls so clearly it's all about being small and bouncy.
..and Jeremy Jedwards.
This game doesn't scare me, it's just like a big clock, and I eat big clocks for breakfast.
On podium three, it's dangerous Rowland Rivron.
This game really does scare me and we might see what I had for breakfast in a minute.
And on four and five it's Nina Toussaint White...
I may have come fourth last time, but I'm still in it to win it. Come on!
..and Cheryl Baker.
I may have come last in the Qualifier, but guess what?
This time I'm coming second...
On podium six, it's pink nugget, Margi Clarke.
I survived the sucker punch, so bring it on, kidders!
On seven and eight, it's ball king JK...
After the last round, Joel's got a brand new motto.
It's ready, steady, splash.
And John Regis.
In the last game I was a gentleman and let Katharine just beat me, but not in this game!
On podium nine it's Joel.
There is only one winner in this JK and Joel team, and you're looking at him - over there.
And on ten it's Katharine Merry.
I destroyed Johnny "I'm not fit and fat" Regis
in the last game by nearly one minute.
For your entertainment and mine I'm going to do it again.
So, without further ado, let's rejoin Amanda Byram and get this show on the road.
Break a leg, everyone. Well, not everyone, we've got a show to do.
It's tough at the top, as these celebrities know, but not as tough as the top of Crash Mountain.
Are you ready?
That was one yes, that means...yes?
Three, two, one!
And they're off.
Jeremy makes an early break for it.
And almost breaks his nose on the base of Crash Mountain. Ouch!
JK, now, having a go.
and standing up at precisely the wrong moment.
JK tried to hurdle the sweeper arm, something no one has ever managed to successfully do, ever.
Nina sees her chance. Then sees the water, really close up.
It's JK's mate, Joel, now, who had a little too much spring in his step.
He may have failed but at least he's taken it on the chin.
Jeremy goes again, and falls off again.
No one's got even close to that centre.
I spoke too soon, JK was very close.
Sarah Cawood, poised for action.
Supportive, comforting and caring laughter from Amanda Byram.
She was shrieking, actually shrieking.
Katharine Merry, and she's off.
Rowland Rivron gives it a go. He's on.
He's up on his feet, and he's bottled it.
Didn't expect that.
Jeremy, mark three.
And another close look at the base of Crash Mountain.
If only that arm weren't rotating, Crash Mountain would be much easier.
JK's on the run again and makes it. Just a straight sprint.
That is how to do Crash Mountain.
JK was fastest in the qualifier and now first on the mountain.
That's another ten points and a guaranteed spot in the next round.
Who's going to join him?
The pressure's on now, Joel.
Joel thinking about it, he doesn't want to be left out.
Instead he's wiped out.
That's touching, Joel gives the arm a big hug.
A slightly soggy big hug.
Katharine Merry's seen an opening, and...
Oh! So close.
EastEnders star Nina having another go. She's ducking...
and she's falling off.
She just froze there, completely forgot to move
forwards and instead got brushed aside by the sweeper arm.
So, JK's still the only celebrity to conquer Crash Mountain so far.
John Regis now, having a go. Tidal wave!
This is Nina, now. Staying low...
She's up, and oh no, the sweeper arm's got her again.
It's like someone designed this thing to be difficult.
Still, lots of points up for grabs here. Plus JK's getting lonely in the middle.
Is Cheryl still with us?
Yes, she is.
Katharine Merry makes her merry way all the way to the centre.
Katharine gets nine points and a big hug from JK.
Margi Clarke comes out of nowhere, ducks... She needs those points.
She doesn't need that, though.
Sarah Cawood now.
OK, Joel again. I'd recognise those shorts anywhere.
Eight points up for grabs here, can he claim them?
He's up, he's moving, and he's done it.
And gets a cheeky little smack from Katharine too.
Maybe she was winding him.
Jeremy on, he's running, and he makes it.
Brilliant effort, seven points in the bag for Jeremy.
And John Regis is there for six points too.
So, the remaining five are...
Nina, Margi, Rowland and Sarah.
Who'll be next to make it across, if anyone?
Nina's going for it, she's up,
she's wobbling, and she's done it.
And that is the noise of someone much better than me at maths declaring the game is over.
It's now mathematically impossible for the others to qualify for Dizzy Dummies, apparently.
Let's take a look at that final leaderboard.
JK is king of the course with a perfect 20 points.
In second place it's Katharine Merry. Jeremy Jedwards is third.
Joel's down but not out in fourth.
And Nina's nifty dash over the Qualifier bags her that final fifth place.
So that means it's goodbye to John Regis who's now sixth.
Leaving the competition with him are Rowland Rivron, Margi Clarke, Sarah Cawood and Cheryl Baker.
Well, that was what well scary. My inners were on my outers.
My outers were on my inners.
I think I've proved to women of my own age that we've still got
the life force coursing through our veins.
It's much harder than it looks.
I didn't even get knocked off by one of the moving arms, that's how rubbish I was.
Entertaining for you lot, though, I guess, right?
It was going too fast. I'm too old for this, it's a young man's game.
It is a white knuckle sport, this total dishwash.
I've been training so hard for this moment,
and to take home one point from Total Wipeout, it's fantastic!
The wind was blowing me a bit to the right, and
every time I attempted to go forward I didn't really cater for the wind.
But don't worry, I will be back.
Well, John, it's funny you should say that because Jeremy Edwards has picked up an injury
and has been advised to withdraw from the competition.
That means, having just said goodbye to John Regis, I now have to say hello, John Regis.
Hello, John Regis. There you go.
So, for JK, Joel, Katharine, Nina, and the newly reinstated John Regis,
it's time to head for the dizzy heights of the Dizzy Dummies.
Celebrities are busy people so I'll make this explanation quick.
Spin, spin, spin, spin, revolving goal posts, blob, bouncy, slip, finished. Last one's eliminated.
Then it's spin, spin, spin, revolving goalpost, crazy beams - whoa! - and finish.
Last one's eliminated again.
Three left, Wipeout Zone, one winner, dinner, home, bed. Got it?
Celebrity demands? You're about to hear one. Stop!
It's time for Dizzy Dummies.
-Are you all ready?
Let's spin them anyway. Three, two, one!
As the spinning begins, time for a reminder of who's strapped into
the poorly constructed wheel of misfortune.
There is ball-beating mountain slayer, JK.
Ready, steady, splash.
Then there's him.
There's one winner, and that winner is me.
The one out of JK and Joel who isn't JK, it's Joel. Then there's him.
I think I'm in the next game.
Olympic legend and Jeremy replacement, John Regis.
She's got a quick wit and quick legs.
Who ate all the pies, eh?
It's Katharine Merry.
Then there's her.
The quiet one, Nina Toussaint White.
And now the spinning stops, at least for us.
Athletics legend Katharine is off, and with a running style all of her own.
Meanwhile, Olympian John is trying to get his bearings.
Katharine's at the goal post and she's through it, I think.
Joel stepping up, Joel's turn now.
Katharine's scorching ahead, she's already on to the blob.
And now she's already off the blob.
"Oh no, you first." "No, no, no, you first!"
So rarely see manners on the Wipeout course, but much appreciated.
Superstar DJ Joel takes the lead.
One more jump from Joel and he is through to the next round of Dizzy Dummies.
Er, I said jump, Joel, not make a bridge for JK.
This is noble sacrifice!
JK leapfrogs his DJ partner Joel, but now he's struggling as well.
This is just a mess!
They're both in now. That means it's a swim all the way back to the start.
John making slow and steady progress now, but can he pull himself up onto that inflatable?
Use them gunboats, John.
One of her legs will probably come in handy, too.
And John's across!
Back from the losers' bench, he's now the first one through to Dizzy Dummies round two.
EastEnders actress Nina could be next.
She is enjoying it really.
JK and Joel aren't really helping, though.
Here she goes! Oh, no, that was mean.
JK and Joel did a blob wobbling job on her there, resulting in an unwanted swim.
Blob wobbler JK approaching the finish now.
Almost there. And...he's across!
But what happened behind him?
Two celebs off the blob at once, it was a double dunking.
OK, Katharine's turn now.
And she's done it!
That means either Joel or Nina are about to be eliminated.
It's DJ versus actress.
Joel's at it again.
More blob wobbling and Nina's off again.
Underhand tactics from Joel there.
Yeah, you might look innocent, fella, we saw it.
And now Joel's off too.
Serves him right, children.
OK, Nina, focus,
you can do this. Come on.
Ooh, danger lurking behind her.
Just that crucial dismount now.
Concentrate, Joel is approaching.
Yes, come on, Nina, Joel looks defeated as Nina steadies herself
for a final jump. Can she? Yes, she's there.
And meany man blob wobbler Joel is absorbed by the blob.
Talk to me. There's a few people that are going to have a few words to say to you
because you had this technique of trying to bounce everybody off that big balloon.
Obviously, as you can see, cheating does not work.
OK, it does not pay, don't do it.
OK, round two. Still in the game are two Olympians.
What does that say about them?
Well, they're fit and athletic and basically gluttons for punishment.
Alongside Katharine and John are EastEnders actress Nina and DJ/TV presenter, JK.
The machine comes to a standstill, but our celebrity heads don't.
Katharine is first out again, with her special walk.
Meanwhile, JK is doing his dog impression there.
Katharine, struggling on the spinner.
Making circles of her own. Katharine-merry-go-round, anyone?
She might have Olympic bronze for running but right there it's TV gold...for her.
No dignity, just gone.
JK scampers his way up.
Meanwhile, Katharine and Nina are having a bit of a pile-up.
JK scores an own goal, and Katharine still working out which way is up.
So JK starts with a casual approach,
and with no-one behind him leaps onto the first beam.
Gently does it. This crawling lark seems to be
working for JK, but the next couple of jumps are going to be difficult.
Here come John and Katharine.
John makes it onto the first beam.
Oh, Katharine hasn't.
JK is almost home and dry now, this is a great run.
And JK is safe.
JK leaps into the Wipeout Zone final.
Going solo seems to be working out well for him.
But don't tell Joel, obviously.
John's taking it slow, he needs to get a wriggle on now.
Katharine readies herself, aims, fires, and she's on.
There'll be no third chances today, John, hurry up.
Come on, fast forward this baby, and let's get you in the Wipeout Zone, Regis.
Yeah, you tell him, Amanda.
That's never been said anywhere else. Oh, no, Nina's off again!
Must be very tiring now.
John finally goes for it. Oh, no.
John Regis gets a dunking and that means he has to go back to the start.
So will Katharine now be second across and take the silver?
Carefully does it now.
That's it, Katharine. That's it.
Oh, yes, we have a Katharine Merry in the final.
Just one place left now. Will it be John or Nina's?
-I can't get up!
-Yes, you can.
John, inches from victory now.
Come on, Nina. Oh, no, she's off again.
John's so close, and now he's made it into the final. What a comeback!
And spare a thought for poor Nina.
Did you give up a bit? That's not the name of the game.
I couldn't get across, could I?
Raring to go for the Wipeout Zone that you're not in?
I'm good at cheering, yes.
Go and get dried off. We'll see you later. Well done, babes.
So, Nina and Joel will be flying home losers.
Just imagine how bad they must feel as they sip champagne
in the first-class cabin on their plane home.
It's not easy being a celebrity.
It's not easy booking a celebrity either.
With those two out of the picture, it leaves TV presenter JK up against
two of the UK's greatest athletes - John Regis and Katharine Merry.
So good luck with that, JK!
Total Wipeout is not athlete-friendly or contestant-friendly.
It's by far one of the hardest things I've ever put myself through.
This is for real, hard, physical, mental, training individuals.
To be in with two Olympic athletes is cool and I'm up there with them.
I'm European Champion, I'm World Champion, I'm Commonwealth Champion...
I shall be gold medallist at the Total Wipeout Celebrity Challenge.
I guarantee you that!
The only goal I've had
is to take the Olympic bronze medal I've won and turn it into Total Wipeout gold.
It's going to happen.
Being the first celebrity to make those four big balls has been brilliant. I'm happy with that, yes.
JK is the silent assassin.
He would love to win it, as would I, as would John.
John has fluked his way here.
If it wasn't for Jeremy, then John wouldn't be here.
I'm Lazarus! I'm the Phoenix! I'm back!
Back to win! That's the only reason why I'm here!
I'd like to beat the boys as much as I'd like to win the lottery every Saturday for the next ten years.
I want to win so much and I do fancy my chances, yes.
Two Olympians, first and second.
With some DJ fella third.
So, two record-breakers versus one little fellow who plays records.
Not exactly a level playing field but then the Wipeout Zone itself
isn't a level playing field either, because of all the slopes and slides and things, it wouldn't work.
Anyway, here's what's in store.
Today's three finalists will have their work cut out as they battle against this watery beast.
It's the usual sliding, splashing, climbing, falling...
sploshing, balancing, dashing, swinging,
jumping and button pushing.
With a little bit of showbiz sparkle!
Fastest celebrity wins.
John Regis, Katharine Merry and JK from JK and Joel must now be really feeling the pressure.
Well, maybe not John and Katharine so much.
I imagine they're used to this kind of pressure, having competed in
any number of Olympic and world class athletic events. Poor JK!
Anyway, time for today's final act!
And it's time to sort out the Olympic champions from...well, JK.
This is the stuff that sporting dreams are made of.
Two Olympians and a disc jockey.
It's the Wipeout Zone and the first to run tonight is John.
John Regis has won gold before but tonight he's bidding for tin, the Wipeout trophy.
And now he's properly off.
Disaster strikes early for John but it looks like he's OK
as he heads towards the rapid climb.
Just a brief swim.
Once John's pulled himself up on to the slope, he has ten seconds
before a tidal wave comes crashing down.
He's on and those ten seconds start now.
He needs to be fast now.
Come on. Oh no, John slipped.
Quick, get up there! Come on, John!
Sprint! Use that strength!
Quick, time's running out.
Too late. Here comes the wave.
He's in the worst place for it!
John grabs hold of the rail and he's still on.
Balance beam now.
Deftness more important than power here.
And it looks like John's got both.
-Come on, John!
-It's crazy sweeper time.
John was the 200 metres king but that was running in a straight line.
Not in a wobbling one, with a giant sweeping arm in hot pursuit.
Oh, second duck. Unusual technique but John's still looking good.
He's up and sprints for it now ... Oh, but he's paused again!
It seems like John being, if anything, a bit too cautious here.
John's doing a great job at staying out of the water.
This is slowing down his run considerably. Come on, John!
Get up and run.
Final splint, and John's across! Oh, close.
Time to find out how good John's Tarzan impression is with the swing.
Yeah. Not great.
No. Best stick to sprinting.
John's grip on the rope just evaporated, resulting in his first real error of the night.
But this is still a quick run from John,
up on to the turntable now for his final jump.
Makes it. John crosses the finish line in 2:37.
A bumpy start for John, slowed by the tidal wave and a lot of ducking on the Crazy Sweeper,
but he's set a good benchmark, and he's certainly in with a shout at winning that tin trophy.
Come on out, you speedy sprint legend, you.
That was absolutely brilliant.
-How are you feeling?
-That was a lot of fun.
I'm just gutted I couldn't hold on to the rope. Absolutely gutted.
Those big muscles of yours, what happened?
I need more bench. Need more bench press.
-Yours is the time to beat. You know who's up next.
My fellow Olympian, Katharine Merry.
-Let's see how she does.
One Olympian down, one to go.
Katharine Merry prepares to take on the Wipeout Zone.
On your marks, get set, go.
Well, she stayed on the ring, which is more than John managed.
Now she's in the water. Katharine begins her swim towards the rapid climb...
And it drags herself up on to the slide.
The ten-second countdown starts soon, so come on, Katharine.
Come on, Katharine, go, go!
Oh, no, she's slipping!
And she's down, and back to square one.
Come on, Katharine, hold on to the side!
And what's worse, here comes the tidal wave.
This is going to get messy.
Katharine just swept away.
She didn't stand a chance.
Look how far away she is.
Katharine, looking tired, she hasn't even passed the first obstacle.
-I'm not moving!
-Come on, swim for it.
She's up again. No tidal wave this time, so it should be easier.
Katharine does look exhausted already.
Onto the balance beam. Katharine's challenge is all but over,
but she won't know that, so she has to keep edging along that beam.
She's cleared it. OK, on to that Crazy Sweeper,
and like a true Olympian, she's not letting that setback get to her.
Waiting for the optimum moment to start the dash. Good duck.
Katharine staying low, working well so far, but she'll have to
adapt this technique is she's going to traverse the podiums.
Copying John's ducking technique here.
Katharine's assault begins now, skipping over them nicely.
She's off, but she's holding on. Come on!
-Katharine, stay down, stay down!
-Advice from John.
Katharine's still standing, though.
-And she's beaten the Crazy Sweeper.
OK, the Tarzan swing now.
It's a big launch, Katharine's looking good.
Yes! No! Disaster.
Are you serious?
and Katharine Merry finally completes the Wipeout Zone
in 5:48, which means John remains in pole position.
Things went from bad to worse for Katharine, but a run of Olympian bravery nonetheless.
Katharine doesn't know how well John did, so it's time for Amanda to break the news.
How are you doing? That wasn't an easy ride for you, was it?
Are you saying I was slow? It's a very scary course, but I enjoyed it immensely.
I'm so pleased with myself.
Katharine, I know you said that you were coming out of retirement for one night only, and I'm afraid it's one
night only, because you weren't quick enough. John was quicker.
Well played, Katharine. Well played.
-Wicked. Cheers, John.
You know what this means. Yours is the time to beat.
You're an Olympian and he's a disc jockey.
Yeah, I know, he shouldn't win.
-He shouldn't win, ladies and gentlemen.
-Let's have a look.
Well, he definitely shouldn't win on paper.
Or on an obstacle course. Here's JK.
There goes the klaxon, he's away.
Well, it is a great start. JK avoids doing the John and stays on the ring.
He was the fastest in the qualifier and first on to Crash Mountain.
How will he do here?
Rapid climb first.
Makes it to the base.
He's going to climb on.
Where's he gone? He's struggling.
Oh. Oh, dear.
Not looking good.
Three, two, one. Tidal wave!
JK clings on like his life depends on it. Come on, JK.
Ooh. He's still on.
-He held on, look at that!
-That took some real staying power from JK.
Now he's up the slope without a care. JK onto the balance beam.
Like John, using the wall to prop himself up.
This is very close.
He's across. Crazy Sweeper now.
John was cautious here.
JK will need to be a bit bolder if he's going to beat John's benchmark.
Will he choose to run for it or duck?
Ooh. He's running, he's running.
A duck to allow the sweeping arm to pass over him, then he's off again.
JK now skips over the podiums very quickly, and he's there.
This is close now.
If he gets on this, it's game over.
John fell on the Tarzan swing. Here goes JK.
And oh, no, he's missed!
John still in with a chance here, then.
This is up to the wire, I can't watch! I can't watch!
There's only a few seconds in this now. If JK avoids errors here, the title is his.
2:17, JK has won today's Celebrity Total Wipeout.
Well, JK made a couple of errors, but he survived a tidal wave,
smashed the Crazy Sweeper, and somehow defeated two Olympians.
He doesn't know it yet, so it's down to Amanda to make his day.
How are you feeling?
A little bit tired. I think I got the full force of the Wipeout wave.
Listen, it's going to come as no surprise that John was absolutely
brilliant tonight and this is one of Britain's finest ever athletes...
that you have beaten tonight.
You are the Total Wipeout champion!
-Yes! Yeah! Woo-hoo!
-What a shocker! >
I beat an Olympic athlete! Yes, I did!
-You want it? No!
So, presenter and DJ JK, aka Jason King, wins the Total Wipeout Trophy
and £10,000 for his chosen charity, Cash For Kids.
He also wins the right to show off about the time he beat two Olympians.
I suspect he'll spend more time bragging about how he beat Joel.
Mostly to Joel. That's it for today's Celebrity Total Wipeout.
I have to finish this showbiz special with a bang.
Not working. Never mind.
From Amanda and me, it's goodbye.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
Richard Hammond and Amanda Byram present the second of two celebrity editions of the world's silliest extreme obstacle course-based game show. This special sets celebrities the task of conquering the Sucker Punch, the Big Red Balls and Crash Mountain. For the winner, invitations to appear on a lot of daytime talkshows and a cheque for £10,000 to the charity of their choice. For the losers, a face full of Argentine mud. It's a win-win situation.