Celebrity Special 1 Total Wipeout

St Tropez. The Bahamas.

Richard Hammond's Waffle and Cheese Emporium in West Woodhay.

These are all places celebrities like to visit,

as opposed to Buenos Aires, Argentina, where famous people

go to get covered in mud and smacked in the face.

Once again, the Total Wipeout course awaits ten intrepid celebrity lemmings.

Nine will return to a normal celebrity life - whatever that is -

but one will be crowned Total Wipeout champion,

and walk away with £10,000 for the charity of their choice.

Let the celebrity games begin.

Welcome to the Total Wipeout Celebrity Special,

which means we have a little bit of extra money to spend this week.

We spent some on these curtains, some on the podium...

You know what?

We should have spent some of that money on the celebrities instead.

Too late now. So, will the Total Wipeout course be made easier

for our honoured celebrity guests?

I'll give you a clue - the answer's no.

Here's what the fairly famous faces face.

The Qualifier - from the big time to the Big Balls.

Crash Mountain - from high-life to pond life.

Dizzy Dummies - from taking a spin in a limo to...just taking a spin.

And finally, the Wipeout Zone - from after-show party to after-show ambulance ride.

The rules today are a little different.

All ten celebrities will compete on the Qualifier and Crash Mountain.

That's twice the fun for us, twice the pain and humiliation for them.

Let's meet the ten lucky celebrities who'll be risking everything in the name of charity.

It's Really Wild presenter Michaela Strachan.

Now, who's this? It's former EastEnders actor Joe Absolom.

And wow! Weather presenting legend Sian Lloyd.

Anthony Costa from boy band Blue.

Comedienne Ninia Benjamin, nice.

TV presenter Jeff Brazier.

The first female winner of Big Brother, Kate...Llama.

No, Lawler.

It's TV chef, Tony Tobin.

Excellent, double helpings today -

it's another celebrity chef, Nancy Lam.

And finally, Olympic 400 metre medallist Iwan Thomas.

What a fine looking collection of individuals they are.

My favourite one was the... third one.

I love him...or her.

But they are a fussy bunch. Anthony Costa demanded a bed in his room.

Sian Lloyd wanted a roof over her head, and Joe Absolom wanted running water. Bunch of divas.

Biscuits!

Time to hand over to the biggest celebrity in the Total Wipeout stable - Amanda Byram.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier

by Big Brother's first ever female winner, Kate Lawler.

FAINT CHEERING

What I really want to know, Kate - are you a winner today?

I'm really not sure. Iwan Thomas is the most competitive person

I've ever met in my entire life, and I'd kind of like to beat him

just so I can see him cry on the aeroplane home.

-Get out there and do us girls proud.

-I will do.

This is for all the blondes. Wish me luck.

-OK, good luck.

-Good luck.

So, tabloid favourite and former Big Brother winner Kate Lawler

kick-starts today's qualifier.

She's about to go where no celebrity has gone before.

It's Celebrity Traplonk.

A diving board, a trapeze and some mud.

Followed by a diving board, a trapeze...and some more mud.

Now, Kate has to do this as quickly as she can.

The fastest time on the qualifier will score ten points,

the slowest, a measly one. Here we go, she jumps,

-grabs, and she's across.

-Good girl.

And... Oh.

What's Amanda doing? Is it a book?

A film? I don't know. Oh, it's how much Kate missed the trapeze by.

Yeah, more than that.

Next, it's Celebrity Sucker Punch.

Kate survived 12 weeks of conflict in the Big Brother house,

so this should be a walk in the park.

Will she be Lawler the brawler, or Lawler the faller?

It's faller.

-Oh, my God!

-A little bit muddy.

You're not wrong there, Amanda.

Even her celebrity eyeballs got muddy, look.

-Oh my...

-Are you all right?

-Do I look all right?

-Yeah, you look fabulous, darling, fabulous.

Next, Kate has to face the Big Balls. What could possibly go wrong?

Apart from that, and that, and that could happen...

And that. All of those things.

Remember, if Kate takes too long to jump she'll get some motivation from

that massive foam mallet, so she'd better hurry up.

Here we go. She's on the first ball.

No celebrity has ever crossed the Big Balls.

Can Kate Lawler be the first?

No, she can't.

While Kate takes a gentle paddle,

here's a peek at today's final obstacle.

It would be easy if they were ordinary Cradles of Doom,

but these are...

The Celebrity Cradles of Doom!

Actually, they're exactly the same.

Right, Kate is cold, wet and probably fed up.

This should be fun - for us.

She's up.

On to the first cradle.

Can she get the timing right, or will she rush it?

Oh, great stuff. Just one more leap to go.

-Come on, Kate.

-Yes.

And Kate Lawler is the first celeb to cross the course

with an impressive time of 2:35.

I didn't mind the swingy bit, I got over the first one...

FROG CROAKS

-What's that noise?

-A frog.

Eurgh, there's a frog here.

Next up is celebrity chef Tony Tobin from Ready Steady Cook

and Saturday Kitchen.

So, Tony, are you going to be cooking up a storm out there today?

This could be one of my best recipes.

Well, go get yourself out there and chop up the course

and steam it and do whatever else you chefs do.

I never get pudding. If Byram gets pudding on set,

I demand to get pudding as well or I'm walking.

And I've watched both of those shows he does. I think.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, Tony Tobin has set off, sprinting across the

pontoons and flying towards those Celebrity Traplonks.

Come on, Tony.

Yes, yes, here he goes.

Like a true chef, making a meal out of this.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Making a meal! He's over, though.

To be a good chef you need fast hands and perfect timing,

so Tony should be pretty...

Lines up the run,

jumps, grabs thin air, and into the Argentinian mud jus.

Now, to all those eggs that Tony's beaten over the years,

it's finally payback time.

Tony doing well, it looks like those eggs might end up disappointed.

Nothing worse than that disappointed egg. What am I talking about? Oh!

Tony getting a thorough basting in the mud there.

So, how will the Ready Steady Cook veteran fair on the Big Balls?

How far will he get?

Will it be green pepper or red tomato? My money's on red tomato.

Come on, Tony.

Yes, red tomato.

Did you hear me? I said red tomato.

Tony? Oh, there he is. I thought he was stuck in the...

yeah.

Just the Cradles of Doom left now then Tony and Amanda

can have their dessert.

Safely on to the first. Speaking of dessert, where's mine?

Come on, Tony, that's it, yes!

He's gone for the second and he's made it.

One big jump to go - if Tony makes this jump he'll be the first

celebrity chef from Reigate ever to cross the Celebrity...

Oh, my pudding's arrived, fantastic.

I don't like jelly, have you got anything else?

Thank you.

And Tony finishes in 3:15.

Yes!

Now it's the turn of comedienne and star of Three Non-Blondes, Ninia Benjamin.

And here are my muscles!

But don't look at that bit.

People are going to be shocked and in awe.

I'm going to swing, I'm going to climb, I'm going to be so fit

they're going to go, "Let's get her for the next Bond girl."

OK, where is she?

Where's she gone? There she is.

Now, the perfect platform for Ninia to demonstrate the style and attitude of a true Bond girl.

KLAXON BLARES

-Here we go!

-The klaxon means go.

Yeah, I'm getting attitude.

I can see style. Now, for that Halle Berry moment.

I don't hold out much hope for the poor thing.

Any minute now. Here she goes.

SHE SHRIEKS

Is that a seagull? No, that is actually her.

Maybe she needs time to get into the role.

It's going to be a long day, people, a long day.

In the meantime, maybe boy band heart-throb

Anthony Costa from Blue can get across the course a bit quicker.

I may be the boy from Blue, but I'll certainly "All Rise" to the occasion.

I'm sure he changed a tyre for me once. Right, here goes Anthony.

Oops.

Either he sat on a gerbil or he picked up an injury -

let's hope that's not too serious.

No, he's OK, I think.

Climbing out on to the pontoons.

Oh, looking a bit unsteady.

Not stumbling any more, though, he's got his sea legs,

let's find out if he brought his circus legs.

OK, he's on to the Traplonk.

First of all, jump trapeze, forwards, yes!

No, backwards, oh, forwards... backwards again...

If you've got a poster of him on your wall, girls, don't look.

Oh, dear, he's off.

-Come on, Anthony.

-Yeah, come on, Anthony.

Now he's got a feel for this

I expect he'll do a lot better second time around.

No, I was wrong there. Quite badly wrong.

-That's going to Costa him.

-Amanda Byram, there.

She writes all her own material, you know - in crayon.

Anthony might be used to the waving, outstretched arms

of Blue fans, but this represents an entirely different challenge.

# It's sad, so sad

# It's a sad, sad situation

# And it's getting more and more absurd... #

Certainly is, as a muddy and singed Anthony prepares to take on

Argentina's most famous four piece.

It's blue versus red.

And red wins.

He is looking tired, we may have broken him.

Underwater no one can hear you sing.

Just the Cradles of Doom to go.

So far today, everybody's made it across,

so can Anthony Costa be the first today not to make it?

He's on to the first, halfway there.

Oh, a little snatch of one of those famous Blue dance routines, I think.

-He doesn't look happy at all, does he? Look.

-You can do it.

Don't jinx it for him, Amanda.

Oh, she jinxed it, that was Amanda's fault.

She did that. The celebrity Cradles of Doom are all about

timing and I think Anthony might have missed that memo about timing.

Not the quickest time overall, but I'm sure Anthony will make

up for it with a rendition of one of those musical ditties that got him to the top of the hit parade.

-HE SNORTS

-I don't know that one - was that one of theirs?

Time to rejoin budding Bond girl Ninia

as she emerges effortlessly from the water.

SHE CACKLES

Muchas gracias!

After that little setback,

it's time for Ninia to show us her licence to thrill.

That's not technically an obstacle.

This truly is a sterling effort from Ninia. What determination,

what conviction, what spirit.

Unfortunately, however, Ninia is being a tiny bit on the slow side,

and to prevent us from over-running,

I'm going to give the fast-forward button a bit of a nudge.

Ah, that's better.

Making progress.

Why are we all laughing?

I don't know.

Well, she may have avoided the Traplonks,

but she won't be able to avoid the Sucker Punch.

Oh, that was in the face, below-the-belt. Oh, ow.

Yeah, that was...

tummy, knee, arm, head.

Just everywhere.

Oh, so close!

Not really. It was always miles out.

Poor Ninia took a bit of a battering there.

Is there anywhere she didn't actually get hit?

I think the answer is...

The Big Balls, now. Ninia has a time so far of five minutes 15 seconds.

She bottled the Traplonk. She's doomed but will she bottle it here?

No, this is brave stuff.

She's on to the first one. Hang on in there, Ninia.

Now, don't rush this.

Take your time.

You've got all the time in the world.

MUSIC: "We Have All The Time In The World" by Louis Armstrong

That was a bit more time than I was expecting.

You're going to need to move, Ninia. Yeah, she moved, she moved.

I'm going to come back to Ninia.

Here's someone who should fare better.

I don't want to big him up too much, but he is a former World,

European and Commonwealth Champion and Olympic silver medallist.

It's Iwan Thomas.

I've taken on the best, now it's time to take on these big red balls.

-Come on!

-Get ready for something special.

He's just going to leap over this.

-Oh!

-Come on, speedy boy.

Not the catchiest of nicknames, Amanda, but I'll go with it.

Speedy Boy Iwan clearly means business.

The Traplonks first.

Oh, and sailing over the first Traplonk.

Woah, not the second, though.

Iwan going for a high-jump record there, didn't quite pull it off, probably because he is a sprinter.

He holds the British record for fastest time in the 4x400m relay,

but can he outbox the Sucker Punch?

No. Because he's a sprinter.

Finally, time for some sprinting.

It's there 4x1 Big Ball relay.

1, 2, 3, wow!

-I'm speechless!

-Fearless Iwan flies across all four balls.

That was spectacular.

The final leg of Iwan's Qualifier approaches.

It's the Cradles of Doom.

And this is looking like a very fast time.

He's up. He's off.

He's across.

And he's completely mucked it up.

Iwan going for a long jump record there, didn't quite pull it off because, yeah, he's a sprinter.

So, the athletics legend skips up to the finishing podium

in a time of 1 minute 35.

That is going to take some beating.

That is pure guts.

The 400's guts as well if you go hard, but that run today,

the Wipeout course, you can't have any fear, don't hesitate.

Think about things, then make your mind up and go for it.

Ninia here, now on a time of nine and a half minutes.

Pushing the boundaries of epic. At least she's still smiling.

I'm so tired!

Come on, Ninia.

Come on.

I think that smile's ebbed slightly.

She's on the first one, looking good... ish.

I don't like it!

-You're not supposed to! Come on, Ninia, get to your feet.

-I can't!

Stand up on the one you're on.

Oh, Ninia!

Now I've got a problem, I've only been given 11 minutes worth

of commentary and I've literally run out of words, so, I don't know, let's just sit back and watch.

This is new territory.

OK, straight ahead of you, that way, the other way,

the other way, that way.

I don't want to go up! I don't want to do it.

I don't want to go up!

-You're so close.

-Do I have to go up?

-Yes, you do!

-Woo-hoo!

-Do I have to stand up?

Ninia's run will go down in Celebrity Total Wipeout history.

11 minutes 11 seconds. Wow.

So, let's have a look at the leaderboard. Iwan Thomas has sprinted

into gold medal position, while Kate "The Faller" Lawler lies in silver.

Tony Tobin is in third, in fourth place is Anthony Costa, and epic Ninia is currently in last place.

But there are still more celebrities to come, so this could all change.

Though not the last place, probably.

Now, remember, the slowest to cross the Qualifier will get just one measly point.

The fastest will get ten.

Who will it be? If I were to say the name Nancy Lam...

what would you say?

Yes, well she's not just a famous... what is she?

Chef. I reckon she could be today's dark horse.

I eat prawns like eating lovely sweet,

but I'm going to try to show you

those big things, those big red things and go...

I can't wait to see her in action.

I'm scared! Who's next?

Wow! Weather presenting legend, Sian Lloyd.

I'm forecasting high pressure in charge, glorious blue skies, wall-to-wall sunshine,

but later on, maybe deep depression moving in, leading to more unsettled conditions.

That's exactly why you're the best weather presenter in the world. That was brilliant.

And she's off.

Yes, little nod to the camera there. Presenter skills coming to the fore.

Always the consummate professional.

First Traplonk now. Oh, dear. That was...

Still, she kept her composure.

Bravo! Exquisite. Very ladylike.

Right, the Sucker Punch next.

Come on, Sian.

This wall punches back.

Aargh!

The voice that soothes millions every evening.

First few cracks starting to show maybe in that presenter veneer?

Aargh! Aargh! Aargh!

Yeah.

Sian Lloyd's been at the top of her game for 25 years.

She's demonstrating here how important it is

to always look her best, regardless of the situation.

She combines that with the skill of always keeping calm under pressure.

Aargh!

See?

I forecast a weather presenter

heading south with high pressure as wet conditions are moving in.

Sian was voted UK Rear Of The Year in 2007.

Can she eclipse this achievement by adding the title

of Celebrity Cradles of Doom Crosser?

-I can't do this!

-Yes you can!

-Yes you can.

-I so can't!

-Come on, Sian.

-I'm so scared of this.

Overcome that fear. Master it.

Yes! Oh, look at this.

This is moving stuff.

Sian Lloyd overcoming her greatest fears,

tapping into her last reserves of strength.

Refusing to be overcome.

Oh.

Despite a moment of weakness on the cradles,

Sian Lloyd regains her composure to complete the Qualifier

in six minutes and 11 seconds.

Wahey!

I am zonked!

-There was zonking?

-I am zonked!

-I didn't see any zonking.

Anyway, next is TV presenter and former professional footballer, Jeff Brazier.

You've seen the rest, now witness the best!

He's on after me.

Tell me, what do the kids think of Daddy being here?

It's their favourite programme. They've been talking to me about tactics and what we're going to do

on the red balls and maybe that will help me to get a good time.

Jeff says he wants to break the record time for the Qualifier.

That's 1:08, by the way.

I'd say there's a fair chance he'll break something tonight.

In fact, I'm almost certain.

-Traplonks time. Jeff judges the first one perfectly.

-Yes!

Oh, and misjudges the second one perfectly!

Just look at Jeff Brazier, giving 100% here.

Leaving nothing in the changing rooms.

Apart from his bag, maybe. Change of clothes, watch,

-but it's all locked up in a safe.

-Come on, Jeff!

# Flash, aah-aah! #

The Sucker Punch now, and wow!

I've never seen that before!

That must be a Total Wipeout first.

If he can do that on the Sucker Punch, what can he do here?

It's a good effort. It's a good effort.

Jeff Brazier may not beat the course record, but he's having a very good go at it.

# Gordon's alive! #

Who's Gordon? Where does he come in?

# Flash, aah-aah! #

Just the Cradles of Doom to go now for Gordon Brazier.

If he makes these, he'll beat Iwan Thomas's time.

He's up the ladder.

He's going for it. Come on! Come on!

Ooh! He really went straight for it!

Mmm. No records broken.

Possibly just his nose.

And some teeth.

And our podium. Still, despite that howler,

Jeff "Gordon" Brazier completes the Qualifier

in one minute and 44 seconds,

only nine seconds shy of Iwan Thomas.

So far, the Qualifier has terrified the celebrities.

So what's really needed now is somebody who is completely fearless.

-Brilliant. It's Really Wild presenter, Michaela Strachan.

-Rah!

I've swam with sharks,

I've been charged by an elephant, been charged by a rhino.

So, you know, how difficult can it be?

I was once bothered by a baboon, but that's a whole different story.

Michaela Strachan is a wildlife lover and hater of pollution.

So probably best not to tell her

this is where the Argentineans store their toxic waste.

Yes, she definitely doesn't want to fall in there.

Oh, she's, er, she's fallen in.

That toxic sludge is emitting 1,000 millisieverts of radiation.

She's not going to be happy with that.

Michaela lives in Cape Town

and looks out of the window every morning to see lions, bison...

polar bears... and hopefully not that baboon I mentioned.

That was horrible. Oh.

Oh! You'd better get out of that stuff pretty quickly as well.

It burns after a while. Sucker Punch really dishing it out there to Michaela.

Michaela claims to be fearless.

Let's find out how well that claim holds up here.

Now. Can she... oh, she's off!

She really wants to be careful in that water, the Argentineans use it to strip paint...

off farm machines. It's true!

Michaela surprisingly intact as she approaches the Cradles of Doom.

Ooh, she's onto the first. Come on, Michaela.

She's up and making a move onto the second.

One leap to go before

she can climb into that on-site decontamination chamber.

-She'll probably make it.

-Yes!

-Michaela's made it in a very good

two minutes and 11 seconds.

Thankfully not suffering any ill side-effects... yet.

What happened?

-Urgh!

-Oh, dear! That's what I did when the baboon got me.

Now, get ready to be astounded and have your preconceptions shattered.

Because Nancy Lam is...

Oh. Hang on. Yes.

I've just been told Nancy is retiring from the competition.

Problems with her blood pressure?

That's disappointing and a bit of an anti-climax.

I kind of wish I hadn't bigged her up so much now.

Or bet my car on her making the Wipeout Zone.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by thespian, Joe Absolom.

-Joe, how are you doing?

-Very good. Feeling really excited by this.

-The mud's probably going to be a bit difficult.

-Why?

Because it's muddy.

This course may be silly, but not as silly as these bad boys.

Yes, they are quite silly. Yep.

-Pretty good start from the former EastEnders actor.

-Nice, Joe!

Onto the pontoons. Joe's appearing on Total Wipeout

to prove to his three-year-old daughter that he can do it.

And from the looks of it, yes, he can!

No, he can't.

Sorry. Joe provided some comedy there.

Real acting talent.

Showing us his versatility as a thespian.

Joe has often been cast in the role of hard man,

but so has the Sucker Punch,

so this should make for some interesting dialogue on set.

Ah-ha! Yes. Straight in.

Sucker Punch steals the scene again. Never mind. Big Balls now.

The stage of many a dramatic encounter.

Here we go. Ooh. Ooh. Oh!

Uncanny resemblance to his action scene in Casualty... or The Bill.

Holby City, Last of the Summer Wine. One of those.

Joe says he's never won anything, but if he makes it over these

without a fall, he may well have the winning time today.

Come on, Joe. This is it.

Onto the first. Whoa! Yes! Almost falls, but he's recovered.

This is very quick. One more jump. Wow! He's made it.

Joe, you are a champion!

Now, cheer up, please!

That incredible performance puts Joe at the top of the leaderboard and wins him the maximum ten points.

Iwan Thomas in second with nine.

Jeff "Gordon" Brazier still pretty "Flash" in third. Michaela Strachan in fourth.

Kate Lawler in fifth. Tony Tobin in sixth.

Antony Costa in seventh.

In the danger zone are Sian Lloyd with three points,

Ninia on two and somehow Nancy has one point for not even starting.

Work that out. But remember, no-one gets eliminated yet.

Everyone has a chance to claw back some dignity in the next round.

That's right. It's Crash Mountain. Which is dripping dignity.

Well, it's dripping something. I think it's hydraulic fluid.

Ha! It's going to catch fire!

The celebrities must all dash to the centre podium,

avoiding that high-speed sweeper arm.

The first across will be awarded a full ten points.

The second will score nine, and so on.

At the end, the points are combined with those from the Qualifier

and the five highest-scoring contestants will go through to the next round. Got that?

Good. Let's meet the lucky ten.

On podium one, it's Nancy Lam.

Well, it would be Nancy Lam but she's on the "did not start" bench.

On two and three, Antony Costa...

I may be the boy from Blue, but boys, I'm coming after you! Woo!

..And Kate Lawler.

I'm so excited to be here. Can you see it on my face?

That girl's got range. On four and five, Tony Tobin...

Is this my best side, yeah?

No. And Jeff Gordon Brazier.

I don't want to swim any more.

You probably will have to. On six and seven, it's Sian Lloyd...

This looks pretty stormy to me.

I'm forecasting unsettled conditions ahead.

How does she do that? And Ninia Benjamin.

I may have come last on the thing but on this thing,

I'm going to come second to last.

All right! On eight and nine it's...Joe Absolom!

This arm may be going around but it's not going to take me down.

..And Iwan Thomas.

I may have been beaten by the balls, but let's hope this doesn't leave me deflated.

And finally on podium 10, it's Michaela Strachan.

I'm going to try and skip across this like a mountain goat.

That's the plan, anyway. GOAT BLEATS

All of our celebrities have climbed the slippery slope to success

and now they're about to come crashing down. It's Crash Mountain.

-Are you all already?

-Yes!

-No.

Ah! Oh, celebrities!

They're always ready for action. 3, 2, 1...

KLAXON SOUNDS

So, Crash Mountain begins.

-No way.

-Well, come on.

No way. I ain't going.

No way.

Not exactly oozing enthusiasm, are they?

Maybe they're waiting for their agents to tell them to go?

When do we go?

Now! Oh great, Tony's off and in the water.

That's not going to have inspired them to try,

but at least he did try. Come on, celebrities!

You're a disgrace to show business, or whatever you variously do.

Iwan goes for it. So close!

Ohh!

-My heart's beating.

-My heart is as well.

Ninia goes for it.

Oh, no!

They do say comedy is all about timing and that was perfect.

Who'll be next?

It's Jeff. Good landing.

Oh, quality ducking action.

-Come on, Jeff.

-Come on, Jeff!

-Get up and run!

-Yes, come on.

Oh, what was that?

He just chickened out.

Here's Joe! No.

That was the best attempt yet.

He touched the summit... with his face.

This is impossible!

-I can't do it!

-It's not impossible for normal humans, Kate.

But maybe for celebrities, is a mission impossible.

Mind you, here comes Iwan, and Michaela's off.

-Come on!

-Yes!

Iwan Thomas is the first to the centre.

-Anything is possible!

-He gets ten points.

Right, who's next, as Iwan rallies the troops?

-IWAN SHOUTS

-There's a motivational speech.

Come on. Oh, Antony! Straight into the water.

-Argh!

-That's the catchy follow-up to his PRRFFFT song.

Now available to download.

Kate now and she's in very quickly.

Ninia again. Ow! That's cruel.

-Michaela's on.

-Stay down! Get up and run.

Come on! Come on!

Oh, no, she's off.

Jeff again.

-Oh. Well, that's original and ineffective.

-Oh!

There is something you don't see every day. Entertaining though.

Well, oh!

He'll get gigs of the strength of that.

Tony's back for seconds... of nasty water.

Joe now.

No! Just misses out again.

We're going to do it, come on.

Kate's on. Properly now.

Oww!

Oh dear!

Her head just got run over!

But she is still on. Just needs to get too her feet.

Come on, Kate.

Just one more jump. And she's across.

That's nine points to Kate Lawler, with a little help from Iwan there.

Bolt her arm back into the socket and she'll be fine.

Right, now, still points up for grabs. Who will be next?

Jeff's on. Just hanging on in there.

Oh!

Now he's joined by Michaela.

Just needs to get to his feet.

Oh, he's chickened out. Again. But Michaela is still on. She needs to get to her feet quickly.

Good stuff. Good stuff. Ouch!

No! No!

Oh dear! That's a no. Still no.

No.

Slide up. Slide across it.

Kate Lawler, Crash Mountain expert there.

-Joe's made it. Eight points to him.

-Woo!

Now, can Tony make it? He's on.

Just needs to get to his feet.

He's made it to the centre. That's seven points to him.

Great effort. Made that look easy.

Now the remaining celebrities need to get a move on. Antony now.

This might be his final chance to score some decent points.

Come on.

No. This could be game over for Antony.

Jeff now with a last-ditch attempt.

No! No!

Yes! Come on!

I'm not sure if that's legal, but he's across. Four celebs left.

Sian hasn't tried once.

Pretty sure Ninia is out. Antony, I'm not sure.

Michaela, I don't know.

She's going for it.

Oh...suddenly this is looking good

and she's made it.

Bit of a team effort there earns Michaela Strachan five points.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-There goes the klaxon.

It's game over. There are six on the podium.

Let's see which five have made it through to Dizzy Dummies.

I've got to do so maths now, so bear with me...

Iwan's maximum ten points on Crash Mountain puts the former athlete in top spot.

Joe is just one behind after his incredible Qualifier run.

Kate and Jeff are in third and fourth.

And this is close - Michaela and Tony are tied on 12 points.

What happens now? In the event of a draw, the person with the fastest Qualifier time goes through.

So Michaela gets to join the others in Dizzy Dummies.

-DOWNBEAT JAZZ MUSIC

-It's goodbye to Tony,

Antony, Sian, Ninia and Nancy.

I'm sure they'll probably pop up again on The Hole In The Wall or The One Show...some time.

I gave it two good goes.

Two good goes and then I decided not to give it any more goes.

I've got terrible balance. I literally froze.

I've got the world's worst balance.

I tried to do it. I was really, really just...

gutted, man! Bad.

I'm not happy. I wanted...

that Wipeout Zone. I really wanted to go to the Wipeout Zone.

Sorry, kids.

Watch me, have a good laugh.

Who cares?!

MUSIC FINISHES

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Just in case you didn't think I was actually playing it...

HE PLAYS POORLY

Yeah.

Proof. Now it's time for Dizzy Dummies.

It all starts with a fast spin in the Dizzy Dummy, followed by a clamber over the goalpost.

Then the celebrities must traverse the Blob.

Last one across is eliminated.

Then, more spinning and a trip over the Crazy Beams.

Again, the last one across is eliminated.

That's what this show is all about -

celebrities being sick for charity.

Want to see a celebrity spinning out of control?

Well, I've got a treat for you. Here's five.

-It's Dizzy Dummies. You all ready?

-Yes.

-No!

This lot were born ready. 3, 2, 1!

KLAXON SOUNDS

As the show business merry-go-round begins,

it's time for a reminder of just who today's Dizzy Dummies are.

He's used to going this fast, just not round in circles.

-It's time to take on these big red balls!

-It's speedy boy, Iwan.

-Agh!

-She's a faller, she's a brawler.

-Wish me luck.

-It's Kate, "The Faller" Lawler.

Half man, half... er, lady? I don't know.

It's ex-EastEnder, Joe Absolom.

Then there's Emperor Ming's arch enemy - Jeff Gordon Brazier.

And finally it's Michaela Strachan, who amazingly looks about the same here...

as she does here.

Michaela calibrates herself, and they're off! Sort of.

Lot of staggering.

Iwan's over the goal.

And Jeff. And Joe.

Not Michaela.

Iwan on to The Blob, racing ahead.

Oh, no, slips right off!

400 metres on a running track - fine for Iwan, but five metres on

an inflatable peppermint, now there's a problem.

Jeff taking the lead, but Joe's chasing.

-Come on, Kate!

-Now there's an opening for Kate.

Steady. This game isn't really about speed, more about balance.

Michaela's heading the chase.

Come on. Oh, no!

She didn't mind the gap, and look what's happened.

Swallowed by the celebrity-munching Blob. That'll make the papers.

Michaela in the lead now, will she avoid the gap?

She's hanging on. Come on, Michaela.

Oh, no. No. Joe managed to knock Michaela to safety. What a gent.

-That's it, Michaela.

-One jump now. Michaela's so close. Come on.

Hang in there.

Every ounce of strength. Yes. Yes, she's up, and she's made it to the finish line. Incredible.

Michaela's first through.

-Yes!

-Clearly, Iwan wants to join her.

Wow! Oh, dear.

Slow down, Iwan, this isn't the Olympics. And that certainly isn't a running track.

Kate once again in pole position. Will she mind that gap the second time around? She misses the gap...

but still slips in. The Blob causing complete celebrity carnage out there today.

Jeff taking it steady.

Very steady. Oh, dear.

A bit too steady.

Until the end, which suddenly looks very unsteady.

Joe, though, back on, and moving like a frog. It's working.

Big jump required now. Come on...this is looking good.

Yes?

Better by the second for Joe. Can he make it? One final jump.

Yes, Joe is through, which means you, Iwan, Kate and Jeff are competing for just two places now.

Iwan looking good.

Well, he was until he disappeared from sight.

That red top is bringing down more celebs them a...red top.

Kate back on the Blob, looking focused.

-Oh, please.

-It's no good pleading, it's the Blob. It won't hear you.

Needs a good jump now, and she'll have made it.

Jeff is closing in, though.

-I've never seen anyone so scared of a pontoon.

-I would jump,

because Jeff is right behind you.

-Jump on my feet?

-Yes, yes.

Jeff jumps, Kate jumps. Oh no!

Yes! Kate's across, but Jeff is swallowed by the gap.

So either Iwan or Jeff is about to be eliminated. Here comes Iwan.

A final dash.

No!

Iwan's down. This is looking decidedly dangerous now.

Jeff. Can he make it? Come on, looking tired.

This is where it gets dangerous, from here on in.

Ye-ye-ye-ye-yes. OK, that's it.

-Take your time, take your time.

-Will Iwan get another chance?

He's ready and waiting. He might not.

Jeff is through to the next round, which, unbelievably, means Iwan Thomas has been eliminated.

You said to me you wanted to get to the Wipeout Zone.

That's all I wanted to do, but listen, I was beaten by four better people.

It was tough, but whoever makes it, well done. Make the most of it, because I wanted to do it.

Listen, hard luck. You've been absolutely fantastic.

Well done to get this far.

-Thank you very much.

-Go and get dried off.

So, incredibly, an Olympic athlete has been beaten by

two TV presenters, an actor and a Big Brother winner.

Who knows what's going to happen next?

Ah well. They're off. Limbering up.

Getting ready. Joe, first to the goal...ish. No.

Jeff now quickly up and over.

A nice acrobatic landing, too. Very elegant.

So now to the Crazy Beams for Jeff.

Ooh...

No. No.

Back to the start for him. Joe now.

Kate floundering a bit there.

Joe taking a measured approach. It's paying off, though. He's staying on.

It's back to the start for Michaela.

Kate is still in the running.

Joe now very nearly across. Come on.

Just one leap now between him and the Wipeout Zone.

-Yes!

-He's done it.

Joe grabs one of the coveted spots in the final.

Two places remain. Who will be joining him?

Jeff makes cautious progress,

gently inching his way towards the finish line.

Oh! No, Michaela's in the water again.

Jeff weighing up his next move.

He's on. But can he stay on?

-Yes, he can.

-You've got it.

And, yes! Jeff is through.

So either Kate or Michaela is about to be eliminated.

There is just one place left, so they might want to get a move on.

A fantastic effort from Kate.

Come on, Michaela. Fight, fight for it.

It could all be over for Michaela now, and Kate is across.

Look at her, just beaming from ear to ear. She's enjoying this!

Michaela, you were so, so close.

I really struggled getting on that first one.

Once you're on, it's easy. It probably doesn't help if you're little.

Because you kind of dive on to it, not quite tall enough to reach.

They really wanted to get through, and I'm pleased with where I've got.

And I've had a really good time.

So, today's Wipeout Zone competitors have been decided.

Here's an interesting bit of Wipeout trivia for you.

All three finalists have something in common.

They all share the same occupation.

Yep, they're all celebrities.

Time to see what reaching the final round means to them all,

even if it means absolutely nothing.

At least Joe's an actor, so he can lay it on thick for us,

might even get some tears!

He is an actor, isn't he, not a racing...? He's an actor.

My training for this consisted of joining a gym.

I'm quite lethargic, I think I only went twice to the gym, so...

Nothing can prepare you for Total Wipeout.

It's been so much tougher than I expected it to be.

The bruises won't last too long, but the memories will last a long time.

People say it's not about the winning, it's the taking part that counts. But to win is really good.

I'm slightly apprehensive of losing to Kate Lawler,

that would kill me. Ha! That would kill me.

I think I've got a very worthy charity to donate 10,000 to,

and it would be major bragging rights for my kids at school.

I would love it if I beat Jeff and Joe.

I would love to win this, love it.

It would be the best thing I'd ever done.

A mixture of nerves and excitement.

It's going to be water, tough, something I've never done before.

If I get knocked off, I'll get up as quick as I can

and keep on until there's nothing left in the tank.

Just give it all. I'll only be here once.

-I will give it my best shot.

-It really is anybody's.

Where they're going, there is no guest list.

There's no red carpet, and there's no VIP treatment.

It's just them on their own.

With Amanda. And a cameraman.

And lots of health and safety people. It's the Wipeout Zone.

Here's what awaits today's famous competitors.

Killer Surf, Celebrity Slide,

Rapid Climb, Showbiz Waterfall, the Balance Beam.

An all-star Precarious Ledge.

Crazy Sweeper.

A glitzy Spinning Arm, followed by a glamorous Rope Swing

to the five-star Rotating Platform.

Finishing with a jump to the renowned Podium,

where the Famous Button stops the Illustrious Clock.

Fastest one wins a shiny cup and £10,000 for the charity of their choice.

It's been a long, hard day for our celebrities.

And it's about to get even longer and harder.

It's the Wipeout Zone, and the first to brave it tonight is Kate.

So, Kate "The Faller" Lawler is tonight's first celebrity crash test dummy.

-Wish me luck.

-Good luck.

Well, she's away.

Well, she spins around to perfectly face the Rapid Climb.

Nice work, Kate. Just a swim to the Rapid Climb.

She needs to pull herself up as quickly as possible.

Once on the start of it,

she's got ten seconds before a tidal wave is unleashed.

That ten seconds starts now.

Oh, no, she's struggling already. This isn't good.

I'm scared.

-HOOTER BLOWS

-Oh, no, oh, no!

She really stood no chance against that wall of water.

A terrible start for Kate. Swept away by the thundering cascades.

And she now has to do it all over again.

That has cost her a lot of time.

Doing much better now, though. Come on, Kate.

Now Kate reaches the Balance Beam.

Come on, Kate.

Her heart will be thumping, but she needs to steady her feet here.

What's she doing? Shoelace undone?

That's not balancing, that's crawling.

She'll be walking funny for days.

Now she's kind of shuffling along.

This technique is going to cost Kate even more time.

Come on!

I think it would have been easier if you'd done it the normal way, Kate.

She's cleared it.

But look at that.

Taking so much time she's been overtaken by the rubber ring.

Come on!

Waiting for the perfect moment.

All in the timing, she's off.

And ducking.

Got to be fast now, that arm is coming back round.

Go, go, go.

Yes!

The Tarzan Swing now. Kate can get back on track here.

-Oh!

-No. She just ended up getting back in the water.

Loses her grip mid-swing.

Yet another time delay for Ms Lawler.

Nearly there now, Kate. A climb up on to the Turntable.

And then one final jump to the Finish Podium.

One last leap now.

And Kate completes the Wipeout Zone in 5:18.

With apparently some energy to spare.

Kate's Wipeout Zone run quickly came unstuck on the Rapid Climb,

and she never really recovered.

A gritty effort, but the benchmark she's set could well be beaten.

You got off to a slow start. What was going on?

There was, like, water, and a wave.

I've never seen anything like it.

Did you see me keep...? Why didn't someone give me a nose peg?

I tell you now, your time was five minutes and 18.

Five minutes 18? Dave-istated.

Absolutely dave-istated.

But it is the time to beat, so at the moment you're in the lead.

Well done. Next to run is Jeff.

Let's watch.

Jeff Brazier now.

Five minutes 18 is the time to beat.

Here we go. Come on, Jethro. Good lad.

Yep, there he went.

Wow! A 180 degree flip.

A spectacular start.

Hits the water hard.

Straight into a swift front crawl to the Rapid Climb.

For the celebrity edition,

we've imported 10,000 gallons of mineral water.

But it is still cold and wet.

Ten second tidal wave countdown has begun.

Can he reach the top before the torrents are unleashed? Come on!

It looks like he's going to try and ride it out. Here it comes!

And he's holding on for dear life.

Survives the wave.

Good effort, Jeff.

He's cleared it. The Balance Beam next.

Hopefully Jeff will walk on it, not shuffle along.

On his posterior.

This is more like it. Come on. Well ahead of Kate so far.

Just needs to stay on that beam.

Precarious. But stay on it he has.

The Crazy Sweeper now. Kate defeated this obstacle in style.

Can Jeff do the same?

Picks his moment.

And he sets off.

Come on, quick.

Quick, quick, quick, quick!

Oh no!

So much promise, but that arm was nowhere near Jeff.

He just ducked out. That's going to cost him.

Into the water, that means a swim and a painful climb.

Seconds lost there, but this is still looking like a good time.

The Tarzan Swing. Time to see if his grip is stronger than Kate's.

He's away, great swing. And he's on to the turntable.

Just one final push.

Great finish. And an impressive time. 2:37.

That was a strong run from Jeff. Slight delay on the Rapid Climb,

and that voluntary swim on the Crazy Sweeper were the only things that slowed him down.

Joe will have to do something pretty special if he's going to beat Jeff.

-How are you doing, young man?

-Good.

I'm annoyed with myself for slipping off, I think I would have made it round.

I did the rope well, stayed on there.

I'm happy with some bits, not with others. But it'll all pan out.

You were great, Jeff. But, Kate did a fantastic job tonight.

There's a possibility we could have had a female champion,

but, I'm afraid not, Kate. Jeff was faster.

So I'm afraid you're going to have to go to join the others.

Jeff, it means yours is the time to beat.

In the lead so far, one guy to go. We'll see what happens.

Time will tell. Let's watch.

Good job, man.

Joe's got his tough guy face on, and he's ready to go.

2:37 is a hard time to beat.

Wow! That was fast. But he survived the impact.

A quick swim to the Rapid Climb.

Remember, Joe doesn't know how Jeff or Kate have done.

All he can do is post the best time he can possibly manage.

And he's up. Ten seconds starting now.

But Joe's looking fast. He might even beat the wave.

He has! This is a super fast start from Joe.

OK, the Balance Beam now.

He's on.

And he's motoring across. Well, by Kate's standards, anyway.

He's cleared it.

The Crazy Sweeper is where Jeff's most costly error came.

A slip from Joe here and this could be a very close finish.

Oh no, he has slipped! But he's back on his feet and sprinting.

Now jumping across the podiums, that arm is coming back,

but this is superb stuff from Joe.

A flawless run so far.

Two obstacles left.

Joe is looking like a winner.

Oh no, the first mistake from Joe!

His grip seemed to slip.

And rather than slam into the turntable, he abandoned the rope.

So it's up the ladder for Joe now.

Where is the ladder? Here it comes.

Despite his late error, Joe's time is very fast. A final jump now.

Joe comes home in one minute 37 seconds.

An awesome time by anyone's standards.

Be they celebrity or mere mortal.

A brilliant run from Joe has won him the title of Celebrity Total Wipeout Champion.

But he doesn't know it yet,

so it's time for Amanda to break a celebrity exclusive.

Joe, Joe, Joe. How are you feeling?

-Good. Real good.

-Yeah?

-Pleased, yeah.

I've got to tell you, Jeff was absolutely brilliant out there.

You two have been fantastic all day.

Joe, you've seemed really calm, cool and collected.

And that has just got you the title of Total Wipeout Champion.

-You're the winner.

-Yes!

Woo!

So actor Joe Absolom is tonight's Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion.

Along with that highly sought-after trophy, Joe also wins £10,000

for the Dame Hannah Rogers Trust in Plymouth.

If one celebrity special wasn't enough,

then boy, do we have a show

that's pretty much exactly the same as this one for you next time.

There will be some of this.

And quite a bit of this.

From me and Amanda, it's a celebrity special goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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