Final Total Wipeout

Over the last seven weeks Total Wipeout has crowned seven champions

and not quite crowned 14 runners-up,

but here tonight all of those kings of obstacledom

have been invited back for one last stab at the cherry

and the chance to walk away with the ultimate accolade -

the series champion of Total Wipeout.

This is Total Wipeout, The Final.

Welcome to a special edition of Total Wipeout.

I know, I know, they're all special in their own little ways,

but this one is special-er.

The stakes are far higher. Note, I said stakes and not prize money.

It's still ten grand if you win, but the stakes are higher because

everyone in tonight's show has already taken on the Wipeout Zone.

These are the best of the best, the toughest of the toughest.

The best of the toughest and the toughest of the best.

But only one can be the Champion of Champions,

the best of the...

I'm just not going to start that again.

Going head to head for their second ten-grand prize are past masters

Colin The Irresistible,

Chocolate Coated Chris,

-Who's The Derrick?

-I am the daddy!

Ed Scissorhands and Hill Start Colin.

And going head to head for their first ten-grand prize are 13 also-rans.

All 18 must pit their collective wits against this - The Qualifier.

Champions eat it for breakfast.

Crash Mountain, champions do it without looking.

Dizzy Dummies, champions do it one handed.

And the Wipeout Zone, champions actually struggle with this one a bit.

So, the competitors are back for a second time.

They're in peak tiptop physical condition,

loosely speaking, and raring to go.

Again, I do mean that in its broadest sense.

I do have high hopes for this lot, though.

Although, after three series of Total Wipeout

I have learnt to set my upper hope limit kind of there.

That way, never disappointed.

Time to join the first competitor with my co host, Amanda Byram,

who's standing proud at the top of the course.

I'm joined now once again at the top of The Qualifier by David.

Are you just here to make up the numbers, David?

No, no. Gone is the smiley David, in comes competitive David.

He wants to win.

Well, that will be a challenge.

Last time around this computer games marketer described himself

as one of the worst finalists ever.

But he shouldn't say things like that, he'll do me out of a job, that's what I do.

First time round I spent too much time in the water.

For the final, less swimming, more winning.

Yeah, or how about faster swimming, more winning?

Either way, David's first obstacle is a real champion tester.

It's the nose-rearranging, knee-scuffing Rake In The Face.

OK, so a tentative approach to the rakes.

Oh, he's found a wonky one straight away.

Yeah, David's less swimming thing hasn't kicked in yet.

Plus his headband joins the scores of others festering at the bottom of that pool.

Second set now.

Yeah. Oh, he's down!

That's the rarely seen bridge manoeuvre.

A treat for us all. Yeah, you see?

And you make the bridge, with what's left of your shattered body, fall in the water.

Still waiting for the less swimming thing to start.

The Sucker Punch is next.

What is there to say about this obstacle that hasn't been said?

If you can think of anything, e-mail me with a suggestion.

Joystick David doing really well though.

That's what I expect from a finalist. Next up, a modern classic.

Four little red numbers accessorised with a matching Motivator.

David gets his chance.

And never really stood a chance.

A perfect 360 there,

but you get nothing in this game for fancy moves,

except a slo-mo replay.

The last obstacle the finalists face is this.

It's not just The Thing, it's the Swing Thing.

# Swing Thing, Swing Thing. See how far you go. #

No, who is that, really? I mean, is it just me can hear that?

A fusion of a nightmare and some wood from the timber yard next door.

The Swing Thing is a terrifying trapeze type swing on to a cradle of doom, The Thing.

And don't underestimate that final jump -

get it wrong and it's a watery end.

Well, a watery swim,

a watery climb up some soggy steps and then it's the end.

Joystick David doesn't have a Swing Thing at home,

so this should be a new experience. Good swing.

Sorry, bad swing.

But can he keep the momentum going? Yes, come on! Yes, he can!

Oh, no, ruined it. Funny, though.

What did he say before he started?

Less swimming, more winning!

Right, so apart from the first Rakes...

the second Rakes...

the Balls and the Swing Thing he didn't swim at all, really.

2:26 is a good time by normal standards,

but then this is the final. Only time will tell.

-I think there was more swimming than the last time, there.

-Thing is,

I'm getting good at swimming,

it's the quicker way round the course, if I'm honest with you.

The last time Cheerleader Andy was here he was with his cheerleading

partner, Cheerleader Sarah, the one with the fierce eyes.

But she's not here this time because, well, he was better than her.

Sarah is still supporting you, right?

Well, actually, I've got a secret.

I snuck Sarah here with me.

You did not?

Here she is. She's still here, she's still supporting me.

OK, so, let me get this straight,

he flew all the way to Argentina

with a cardboard cut-out of his partner.

Mind you, seems to be working whatever it is.

Cardboard is proving to be the source of special powers.

This is incredible! Despatching the Rakes.

-He's doing well, isn't he?

-Yeah, she's talking to it...

Oh, dear. On to the Balls.

Here we go! And that's too fast.

No, oh, oh, stay on! What a recovery.

I've never seen that done before.

Oh, wobbly but brilliant landing onto the fourth ball.

What a moment to do it. Yes!

All the way! Proof that this show is made of real steel.

I'm still in shock after that.

When Cheerleader Andy lands on the third ball

he kind of ignores gravity and just does it his own way.

That's got to be one of the jammiest recoveries I've ever seen.

So, will the Swing Thing be just as jammy?

Well, the swing is sweet.

Oh, narrowly missed The Thing.

He'll be lucky if he can get back on though. Oh! He is lucky.

No, unlucky.

You see, that's Total Wipeout.

Even with his luck turning sour, the cardboard girlfriend hasn't

-hindered him at all, it's a great time at 1:39.

-Yeah!

So, two down, some more to go, but now time for the first of the

100% pure beefcake champions and you can't get more cakey than this.

He's a father of five, a grandfather of six and a thoroughbred through and through.

I wish I hadn't mentioned cake, I really want some now.

Who's The Derrick, the first returning champion.

And who could forget this?

I'm the daddy, the number one daddy!

Pure solid gold. He's a trucker in spangly pants.

He's already won a trophy and ten grand on this course and now he's back for seconds.

Look out for the daddy!

CROWD: Who's the daddy?

At the young age of 57, Derrick

has entered the record books as Total Wipeout's oldest ever winner.

Derrick, how proud are you of that achievement?

Very proud indeed.

Absolutely over the moon.

Like a real champion he's steaming down to the Rakes

and that's survival of the fittest and the oldest. Brilliant!

And again the champion proves his championinnitiousnessess...

Absolutely legging it to the Sucker Punch.

Whoa, was that a head butt or a quick prayer?

Many people worship at the foot of the Sucker Punch,

but he got stuck in. He threw the first punch!

Good trick! Oh, no. Whatever it was, it didn't work.

Derrick produced something special on the Rakes,

something unique on the Sucker Punch, what about the Big Balls?

I'm going to name that move The Chair In The Air.

Perfect for alfresco dinner parties.

Stylish and strangely comfortable, I imagine.

Just the Swing Thing to go. Derrick is slowing up a little now.

Here we go.

I can't get it off.

-Oh, I don't believe it.

-It won't come off.

57 year old Darren is bamboozled by fast access fastenings.

It was all belts and buckles in his day, obviously.

Shoes had proper laces. Oh, no, he's managed it, he's off.

Good swing on to The Thing.

The final jump now is crucial. No-one has managed it so far.

And he's done it... Wrong. He's done it wrong.

And today's first champ finishes in 2:15

and that should be the champion's benchmark.

Do you think that that performance was good enough?

So long as I make the 12, I'm happy.

I'll be the tortoise in the race, the daddy's here!

And how will these two measure up?

It's a grudge match. It's a copper versus a greengrocer.

Adam Apple and DI Danny were archrivals back in show two.

I've got this in the bag, Amanda.

But they both just missed out on the top spot. Time for a rematch.

DI Dan's back and this time he's not taking any prisoners.

Yeah, with the police these days, it's not really encouraged.

This is a very fast run from Adam Apple as he heads for the Balls.

Great work on Ball One. Ball Two... No, no Ball Three.

He's in the water. What will his archrival DI Danny make of them?

The last time you were here you had a really nasty dose of that

Red Ballitus that's going round.

I need to purge myself of this crippling disease that is

the Big Red Ballitus, so bing, bang, bosh, bosh, bing.

OK, we'll remember that, Officer.

Bing, bang, bosh, bosh, bing.

Anything Danny says will be taken down

and used for poking fun at him later.

-Bing.

-Yeah.

-Bang.

-Uh huh.

Well, where's the "bosh, bosh"?

Remember, this sort of injury is very rare,

so please don't have nightmares.

Can Adam Apple keep ahead of the law on the Swing Thing? Good swing.

Now The Thing.

Here we go.

Yes! The first person to land it today

and with a very fast time of 1:31.

DI Danny's lagging behind.

999 is on speed dial as Danny attempts The Swing Thing.

He's on and... Oh!

He's off the other side! Not seen that before.

Perfectly executed Starsky and Hutch bonnet slide.

Unfortunately, this is Total Wipeout, not a mid-'70s cop show.

The timing was all wrong.

DI Danny clocks out with a none-too-shabby 1:58.

He's left his mark.

Well, more of a smeary dent.

Here to investigate what went wrong there is Crime Scene James,

a real crime scene investigator

who spends his time investigating crime scenes

and the scenes of crime.

That's right, I haven't even bothered to look up

what his job actually entails - I'm guessing.

Some say this course is murder,

but with me on the scene consider it case closed.

Yeah, murder - James, that's slander.

Manslaughter, maybe, but murder's just...

Anyway, he's on to The Rakes. Oh, good first set!

And the second set... Oh, no, he's in!

Yeah, looking back, that's a real whodunnit.

Right, time to investigate The Balls.

Can he find out what tripped up DI Danny?

Oh! Now, I'm no Miss Marple,

but it might just be those big red things that did it.

James' time is close to DI Danny's with just one obstacle to go.

Oh, now he's interfering with a crime scene.

It's an uphill struggle from here.

No, make that downhill.

And then wet. Finishing in a time of 2:10, it's time now to

see if we can close the files on Crime Scene James.

Grocer Adam Apple is out in front and it looks like Cheerleader Andy

stands a better chance of catching him than DI Danny who's in third.

Meanwhile, the only returning champ,

Who's The Derrick is disappointingly second from last.

The atmosphere really is extraordinary now.

I think it might be the paint on these, it's very strong.

It's doing strange things to my head, but don't worry about me,

let's move on to the next contestant.

Can anybody else hear voices and, like, see colours?

Don't be fooled that this man is a hospital manager, he's got the name

of a champion, which surely bodes well.

The Pakistina in Argentina is back and this time I'm in it to win it.

Ladies and gentlemen, fight fans, in the red corner

from Huddersfield, weighing in at 14 stone, it's Mohammed Ali.

And from Buenos Aires, weighing in at 14 tons,

the undisputed champion of the mud pit, el suckero del puncho.

Yeah, not looking good, is it?

It's two hands versus a lot, lot more. But he's doing well.

Oh, riding the punches and staying on, and he's across!

I can't believe that, that was amazing.

A bit of trench foot at the end,

ruined a good pair of sneakers, but he made it.

Right, on to the Swing Thing.

Great swing. On to The Thing.

Just text book stuff. They should use Mohammed as a teacher.

OK, timing and, oh, no, no! That's not worked.

Disappointing finish, but 2:21, good in any other week.

Will it make the grade for the Champion of Champions?

I think it's time the Pakistina left Argentina.

Time for another grudge match as two singing legends collide -

it's Robbie Williams versus Michael Jackson.

-Well, sort of.

-Eee-hee!

Troy from Dundee loves mimicking Michael Jackson,

though he's never met Uri Geller or owned a chimp.

Eee-hee!

And this is Take That Alfie. Why?

# We said goodbye

# The taxi cab is waiting. #

No, it's not a sinus infection, that is Robbie Williams impersonation.

I've done this course once, but everything changes.

This could be the greatest day of my life!

Let's pray it all works out for him.

So, to the Rakes. Here we go, right in the Boyzone.

Sorry, wrong band, but you take my point. He'll never forget that fall.

He'll be hoping for a Take That comeback. I'll stop that now.

-Eee-hee!

-Can La Troya Jackson do any better?

Yes, yes! Oh, he beat it!

Not half bad. What a Thriller!

Please stop it, Hammond. Second set now.

He's got to be Starting Something with that technique.

Yes, Billie Jean!

That one didn't work at all, did it?

Didn't fit. La Troya even looks stylish when he's falling off things.

Look at that! For Alfie we've renamed the Balls

after the famous boys - Gary, Jason, Mark and Howard.

And here's Robbie rejoining them at last. He's cleared Gary and Jason.

Oh, dear, Mark and Howard don't get a look in.

# A smile is as quiet as a breath of air

# It's says hello I'm here... #

For La Troya, the Balls have been renamed after the talented Jacksons.

Michael, Michael, Michael and Michael.

La Troya's off Michael and on to Michael, and now he's in the water.

He needs a glove that's extra grip.

Things are getting serious and La Troya is losing the glove.

-He lost the glove.

-Yeah, the King Of Pop would understand.

The Swing Thing.

Troy swings a perfect swing, lands the perfect landing and jumps

the pretty good jump on to the podium and, yes,

La Troya has outsung Alfie by a mile...

-Eee-hee!

-Eee-hee!

-..finishing in a speedy 1:32.

Still a little left in the tank for his fans.

This should be a hair raising end for Alfie.

In your own time, Alfie.

Alfie? Oh, come on!

Yes! Well, that really wasn't worth waiting for, was it?

These boy band members, honestly.

2:58, the slowest time so far and I bet it hasn't done his

sinus infection any favours either.

That was awful. I went through everything in my head

and everything went wrong.

It just all my plans just went bad.

That's me out, I think.

# This is a man's world... #

This is Stretchy Nix.

Why that nickname?

Have you worked it out yet? That's right,

it's because her first name is Nix.

What makes Nix extra special is that she's one of the elite few who have

mastered the Big Balls, so expect to be impressed.

There's only one girl here, but you only need one winner.

-You do the maths!

-OK, I will.

Put another way that's a one in 18 chance of you winning.

Good progress on the Sucker Punch. Oh, that was below the belt.

We've had most things, but rarely do they get the Charleston!

Wonderful!

Come on now, Nix, you've done it before, you can do it again.

And you didn't wear that all-in-one red sweet wrapper

just to be humiliated by... Oh!

Yeah, she did. I just hope she kept the receipt.

That probably feels bad, but she's staying with it.

The Swing Thing now and I'm expecting grace and class.

And there she goes.

Oh, elegant, as well!

Can she complete the course in the same beautiful style?

Here we go. Oh.

That was a tongue biter.

Oh, a sad end to our only female runner as Stretchy Nix is bruised

and slightly less elasticised with 1:56, but it's not the end of the road just yet.

Let's see that chin slap once more, please.

-HONK

-That was... Oh!

-HONK

-What does that noise remind you of?

Of course, it's building manager, Muss The Man, King Of The Honkers.

HONK

I said I'm the best.

I'm back to pass the next test.

-I am the best.

-There's only one way to find out if you are the best,

it includes running fast and not getting hit by a Rake.

Oh, Mus, were you even listening?

Apparently he's going to swim it instead.

What was that?

Mus gets a second chance with the Big Balls, and muffs it completely.

Oh, dear. Mus distinctly off the pace with a time of 3:29

-which is, amazingly, the slowest so far today.

-Yes!

Aargh!

That was wind.

From an also-ran to tonight's second returning champion.

Chris works in a chocolate factory

and, just like an after dinner chocolate, he's minted.

Why? Well, because last time he was on the show he won £10,000.

I've got to ask you, what's with the T-shirt?

Yeah, this is my brother in law and his future wife-to-be, they're going

to get married and obviously I'm out here, I'm missing their wedding,

so I'm feeling a bit gutted about it.

I can't believe you're missing their wedding.

Please don't make me feel any worse!

I really hope Chris does well.

The lengths that some people will go to for this show.

It's a fast start and he's on to the Rakes. Hits them with style.

Oh, no doubt for the wedding he'll have something old,

something borrowed and now something blue.

Black and blue, his face. Ow!

For me, every wedding is centred around those two immortal words.

-Come on!

-I wasn't thinking of those, Chris.

He's made it over the father in law,

the mother, and it's the best man that trips him up.

Often the way.

He may have missed the free champagne and dancing to ABBA,

but check this out, another chair in the air!

You can't say it wasn't worth it.

Chocolate Coated Chris is about to take the plunge himself now.

That's not ended well. No.

So, while love is in the air back home,

Chris is in the water in Buenos Aires.

With a final time of 2:29,

let's see how he fares on the leader board.

Adam Apple clings to the top spot,

but only just. La Troya is only a second behind him.

Stretchy Nix makes it to a fabulous fourth,

while Who's The Derrick is pushed down to seventh, followed by

Mohammed Ali in eighth

and Mus The Man is the only one so far

to sink through the three minute barrier.

Well, to be honest, I am a little disappointed

with the quality of some of the returning finalists.

What we need now is a leader in every field.

Or just a leader over that field.

I say field, it's more of a toxic landfill

with a thin layer of green paint.

The thing is, I reckon this guy could be good.

This is Junior Minister.

You remember, one of Britain's youngest magistrates,

wants to rule the country.

One day I hope to be the Prime Minister of this country.

-Listen, what kind of training did you put in, the first time you were here?

-Nothing.

Yeah, that's far too honest, he'll never make a politician.

Last time I showed Wales has talent, and this time is no exception

because this Welsh dragon is going to help me fly through that course.

Yeah, a reminder,

anyone caught flying round the course will be disqualified.

No flying required for this Welshman, he is breezing through.

First set of Rakes. And now the second.

Oh, this is fast. I told you this batch of contestants... Oh!

Tripped himself.

Not a tumble,

we classify it as an action roll, followed by a great recovery.

Come on, Junior, don't be scared, it can only punch you in the face

repeatedly, and that's if you're lucky. A cautious approach.

He's taking the hits well.

Oh, yeah, that'll be the old earthing problem,

I'll make sure Eduardo puts it on his list of things to do.

Nevertheless, he's across!

This is a fantastic time from Junior Minister.

Can he keep it up on the balls? One ball. Just on.

Slow, but steady.

Two, safe again. This is a bit of a shock.

It's almost like he's learnt from last time.

His careful consideration is working.

I can't believe it, he might just do this.

-Oh, and a fourth! Don't blow it on the last jump now, Junior.

-Yes!

And that's brilliant, truly brilliant.

Junior's just got senior. The Welshman doing incredibly well.

This is an amazing time, he could make a completely clear run.

If he can only get the Swing Thing spot on.

Oh, and that's doing it for Wales.

A perfectly timed swing. Can he nail this jump?

Come on, Junior. Yes!

Incredible! 1:25 seconds.

-Easily the best time so far today.

-That's how the Welsh people do it!

Well, if that's how the Welsh people do it we're moving this show to Cardiff and that's that.

There was nothing junior about that performance. That was mega senior.

That was amazing.

I can't believe I just had a flawless performance.

-You did the Big Red Balls!

-That's what I came here to accomplish.

Last time it got me.

This time, no chance.

I knew I was going to do it. Bring it on for Wales.

Last time chopper pilot and all round hero Brian got dropped off by

his mates, only to get pipped to the post in the Wipeout Zone.

But now he's back,

and his mates are back, too.

And look, they've written a good luck message in the sky.

Shame those helicopters don't have a spellchecker.

There's only one attitude to have in the final,

pain is temporary, glory is forever.

And indigestion. Chopper Brian should have read his contract,

there's nothing about the pain being temporary.

Oh, what a start.

He was so fast he couldn't stop himself!

His contract also states he should be wearing appropriate footwear. Yeah.

Brian breezed through this last time. Just got one muddy foot.

On to the Sucker Punch.

Oh, well, all he's got this time is one muddy body. On to the Big Balls.

This time he's had practice.

Launches himself into the water.

He did reach ball three and his splash-back reaches Amanda,

which is a bonus for us.

Final obstacle, perfect swing.

Just one jump to go.

Brian takes his time.

Just enough. One foot on and he's home.

Even with a couple of mistakes Brian finished

with a more than acceptable time of 1:46.

Now, for a tale of two Colins,

and, ooh, they're both champions.

Of course, there's Colin, a driving examiner, AKA Hill Start Colin.

When I won I was in overdrive.

Today it's going to be turbo boost.

He became Lord Of The Rings and beat real life hero Chopper Brian in the Wipeout Zone.

What did he do that for?

And then there's Colin, AKA Colin The Irresistible.

He's an archaeologist like Indiana Jones,

though Indiana Jones never danced like that.

Last time I danced my way to victory, this time I'm going to show the course my new moves.

Now, after an 18 hour flight this Colin did this,

but this Colin did this.

Taxi straight to the hotel, quick shower and straight to bed.

I know who my money's on.

First to the dance floor is Colin.

Oh, well, that's no Fred Astaire start,

but it's no John Sergeant either.

So let's see how Colin measures up.

Oh, wow, breaking the speed limit on the Rakes. Fabulous second set now.

Oh, he's decided to run across the bit that wasn't there.

That's a real shame, because if it had been there

it would have been a great shortcut, but it wasn't and now he's all wet.

What did he do that for?

This Colin's ahead now, and that's a fast pace up the ramp.

Whoo! Almost too fast.

That's what happens when you break the speed limit.

Lesson learned. So Colin's most definitely slipping behind Colin

in the Colin versus Colin race.

He's worn the treads down to a barely legal limit

and, oh, no, that's an on-the-spot penalty, all right.

But, wait a minute, another perfect air chair, look.

Good work, Colin! Not enough to win the head to head, though.

Which means this Colin has stormed ahead to victory

with a winning time of 1:29.

The luck of the Irish!

Diddleye-delie, potatoes!

What was that, is that South African she's doing there?

I'm not sure.

Which leaves the other Colin lagging behind with a time of 2:24.

Essentially, the best Colin won.

Never mind, Colin.

Now, for a precision instrument

and you can't get more precise than Precise Lee.

You came third the first time you were here,

what have you been doing in order to prepare this time round.

Pretty much nothing because I have a newborn baby, so I've

been looking after the new baby, that's my training.

A baby? I don't remember Lee being pregnant the last time,

we'd have noticed that

and we wouldn't have allowed him on the course.

My family come first,

but this time I'm going to come first for my family.

Precise Lee is off,

and it doesn't look like anything's going to stop him!

Whoa, that was amazing, feet barely touching the foam. Second set now.

Oh, no, that's more like it, right in the chops.

Just how precise will Precise Lee be on the Sucker Punch?

Remember, he's doing this for his kids.

Oh, look, kids, Daddy was hit in the face by a robot fist! Awesome!

Unfortunately for Precise Lee the Sucker Punch was pretty precise, too.

Well, at least he can undo a fastening.

He takes a swing on the Swing Thing.

Oh, no! Oh, bad landing.

Oh, a great recovery.

Is there any more precision left in Precise Lee? Oh, no,

none at all,

I'd say. All gone.

Precise Lee has delivered the precisely reasonable time of 2:16.

Time for the last runner, and it's another champion.

It's Ed Scissorhands.

He's a hairdresser from Essex,

so expect a run from hell,

with a cup of coffee and a massive bill afterwards.

-I do like his colour though.

-He really does run like a girl.

So do you, Amanda, but this run is quick.

Wow, he's all over the place, but he's staying dry.

Can he keep it that way?

Yes... Oh, no! Almost.

Yes, Ed Scissorhands is very good at recovering if nothing else.

Ed's steaming round the course - our fastest competitor today.

Good bounce off ball two and... No!

Ended up down there, but even his swimming is fast.

Look at him go!

Ed goes for the swing.

He lands it and sets... Wow!

I can't keep up, he's already there. That is an amazingly quick time.

Blink and you'll miss him.

Ed Scissorhands must now be Ed Scissorlegs.

With a time of 1:19 he springs into pole position.

Wow! Some amazing performances in that Qualifier.

This is what would happen if you brought back the best Total Wipeout competitors

from across the whole series for, like, one big final competition...

Oh, yeah, that's what this is, isn't it? Now I get it.

Let's see which of today's veterans have made it through that super competitive Qualifier.

Who's still in with a chance of trousering that ten grand

prize and the ultimate accolade of series champion?

Ed Scissorlegs stamps his name at the top of the table,

with Junior Minister just six seconds slower.

Adam Apple is knocked down to fourth, but it's still a fast time.

In eighth it's Stretchy Nix

squeezing just in front of the DI Danny,

and 11th and 12th spots are Who's The Derrick and Precise Lee.

So, the victorious 12 go forward,

leaving us with the unvictorious six.

But don't forget they are still heroes from past shows,

just not this one.

Time to say goodbye. Au revoir.

Auf wiedersehen. Arrivederci. Adios.

Tagliatelle.

I don't know any more. Ciao!

# Though it hurts to go away

# It's impossible to stay

# But there's one thing I must say before I go

# I love you, you know

# I'll be thinking of you in most everything I do

# Your kisses for me

# Save all your kisses for me

# Bye bye, baby, bye bye

# Don't cry, honey, don't cry

# Gonna walk out the door

# But I'll soon be back for more

# Kisses for me, save all your... #

Psst! Richard!

Sorry, are we on?

Right then, goodbye to them. Now, the remaining 12 face a deadly foe.

Will they have learnt anything from last time? Let's hope not.

It's time for Crash Mountain.

Didn't I ask for a sandwich?

Crash Mountain wouldn't be Crash Mountain

without a thingy and a long bit.

Look, one big red spoon, the thingy, slips round in one direction,

while the sweeper arm, the long bit,

complete with a swollen ball and blue discs

tears round in the other direction.

All our contestants have to do is get from one side of the road to the other.

Put simply there's no road, no cars,

no trucks, just the sweeper arm and the thingy,

which, believe it or not, is not simple at all.

The first five to make it go through to the next round.

On podiums one, two and three are La Troya Jackson...

-Eee-hee!

-Adam Apple...

Danny, you're a copper,

but I'm gold and today you're going to go down, down, down, down, down.

Lovely voice. And Ed Scissorlegs.

Richard Hammond, if I get through this I'm coming to cut your hair.

Right, everyone, push him off.

On podiums four, five and six, are Colin The Irresistible,

the ever eloquent Junior Minister...

You lot better watch out because I'm...

..and Chopper Brian.

My mum's warned me about girls that dress like that.

Your mum knows other girls who dress like that? Where did she meet them?

On podiums seven, eight and nine are Stretchy Nix.

All you boys better make some noise because you're not going to get past this gymnast.

Gymnast doesn't rhyme with boys.

Then there's Who's The Derrick.

Look out, look out, the daddy's about!

That's how to do a rhyme.

And Crime Scene James.

Finally, on 10, 11 and 12 it's DI Danny.

Adam, you might be a greengrocer,

-but today I'm going to crush your tomatoes.

-That sounds nasty.

Precise Lee and Cheerleader Andy.

Watch Andy be king of the mountain.

They've all beaten Crash Mountain once before, but not all of them will be so lucky this time around.

Get ready for Crash Mountain, finalist style.

Eleven fit boys, one fit girl, only five will qualify for the next round.

The rest will crash and burn.

Or should I say crash and splash? Are you ready?

-Yes!

-Champions were born ready. Three, two, one!

So, the sweeper arm begins its mission

to knock some finalists into the water.

Chopper Brian makes an early bid and takes an early dip.

DI Danny launches himself straight into the water. Oh, La Troya next.

Like Michael Jackson, he's a crowd-pleaser.

Who's the Derrick... Oh, he's the Derrick and he's wetter than before.

Cheerleader Andy, nothing to cheer there.

Adam Apple should have stayed where he was.

Here's Junior Minister, he's elected for a cautious landing. He gets...

Oh, he's got to get up, and he is...

Oh, and a crushing defeat by the polls.

Ed Scissorlegs goes for it. Oh, gets it completely wrong.

Chopper Brian's back for more

and becomes the first finalist to defeat Crash Mountain.

Once again our air sea rescue pilot is a master of speed, balance,

control and pretty much everything.

-Precise Lee again. Might he...

-Lee!

-Oh, not joining Brian.

A little more precision needed at the mountain end there.

Colin's first attempt, not good enough.

Troy now throwing himself at the middle.

Somehow he's hanging on and Brian pulls him to safety.

The search and rescue pilot does a bit of rescuing on Crash Mountain

and helps Troy into the next round.

Danny, again, makes a charge. Unlucky.

Is it just because they're champions

-or do these wipeouts seem to be a lot more incredible?

-Yeah, they are.

Oh, a dainty step from Adam and a whopper hit from the arm.

Crime Scene James sneaks on

-and scampers all the way to the middle.

-Oh!

-Only two to go.

-Safe so far are Chopper Brian, La Troya Jackson

and Crime Scene James, but who will occupy those two remaining places?

Will it be Who's The Derrick,

DI Danny, Stretchy Nix, Cheerleader Andy,

Colin The Irresistible, Adam Apple, Junior Minister,

Precise Lee or Ed Scissorlegs?

Look at that, a huge but unsuccessful leap

from Junior Minister.

These finalists, really going for it now. Stretchy Nix

finally joins in the fun.

Edging her way along.

Dodging the arm. Oh, but couldn't dodge Adam!

A champion pileup.

What was he thinking?

Both of their attempts derailed.

I can't imagine Nix is very happy about that.

Here's The Derrick dashing along the bridge, and he's on, too.

-The daddy is through.

-Only one more.

Ed now fancies his chances, but he's down.

Here's Lee, big strides.

And Lee picked precisely the right moment to run.

He's through and the five Crash Mountaineers have been decided.

Hug it out guys, hug it out.

It never gets any easier this show, does it?

Last time they were winners, now they're losers,

but let's look on the bright side,

at least they finally get to be in a goodbye montage.

I've had an amazing Wipeout experience.

And I've done the Big Red Balls!

I got over them, one of the elite few

that made it over the Big Red Balls.

I'm really, really gutted,

absolutely, because I touched the middle of the Crash Mountain twice,

but these guys were quick

and the game didn't last maybe more than two minutes or so.

I'd like to see Troy win the £10,000.

I think he's got a lot of determination

and I think he'd be a good guy to win it.

I knew from the first time I did that I wasn't the best on it,

but at same time, I'm glad I've been there,

I've been champion, I still am a champion.

I want to see Derrick be knocked out next because he's already got

ten grand unlike the others, so give someone else a go.

Gutted. All I wanted to do was bring home the trophy

and the ten grand, you know?

And at the moment I'm just cold, wet and upset.

I'm sad because I love the Dizzy Dummies

and I did a fairly good job last time,

so I'm just really disappointed that there won't be another girl. I let you down, girls!

Now, as this is the final I thought I'd mix things up a bit so I've

brought in a tombola to decide on what the next round will be.

In here are various different round ideas,

a game of poker, egg and spoon race,

18 week long televised talent contest with a public phone vote.

So, here goes, let's have a look.

What are we going to get?

No, it's Dizzy Dummies.

I wasn't expecting that!

So, the remaining five finalists are about to get strapped into

that tiny fairground ride and whizzed for 40 seconds.

Then, filled to the brim with dizziness, they must make their way

on to the Revolving Roundabout and climb through the Devil's Prong.

It's not me making these names up, honest.

The Devil's Prong leads naturally to the Tippy Tables

and last one across those is eliminated.

Then it's the whole shebang all over again.

This time with the doughnuts,

so called because they're loaded with grease

and very bad for your health.

This will sort the champs from the not champs.

There's only three places in the Wipeout Zone,

so if they want to win it we're going to have to spin it.

-It's Dizzy Dummies. Are you all ready?

-No!

Oh, well, we're going to spin it anyway. Three, two, one!

Round and round they go.

They may look funny, but for our contestants it's deadly serious.

The stakes higher, the competition tougher.

It's survival of the fittest and two must go.

There's La Troya Jackson.

Will the warehouse worker from Dundee do it for his son?

Then there's Precise Lee.

My family come first, but this time I'll come first for my family.

Father of four from Omagh was the last through on Crash Mountain.

Was that just a lucky break?

Chopper Brian, looking a bit pale there.

Pain is temporary, glory is forever!

Not just a hero pilot,

in his spare time he volunteers for the Snowdon Mountain Rescue.

Crime Scene James.

Some say this course is murder,

but with me on the scene considered it case closed.

The husband and father from the West Country is the youngest one here.

Will that be to his advantage?

And, finally, Who's The Derrick.

I'm the daddy, the number one daddy!

Father and grandfather and Total Wipeout's oldest ever winner.

Can the Londoner keep up?

It's a race and that means there has to be losers.

There's the klaxon, which is the cue to go, go, go.

Or in their case wobble, wobble, fall over.

While everyone is de-dizzying,

La Troya's off like a rocket and straight through the Prong.

Lee's over, as is Derrick.

La Troya readying himself for a run up the Tippy Tables.

He's off and he's up.

Oh, such control as he tips down.

-An amazing example of a man focused on the trophy. He's across.

-Eee-hee!

Wow! Impressive table work there.

So much is at stake and La Troya

seems determined to fight his way through to the Wipeout Zone.

Back now to the first Tippy Table

and Brian and James don't want to be left out,

but Brian's slipped, handing the lead to James.

Brian's in the water, that could be very costly. James pushing on ahead.

And he's just across, he's safe! The youngest seems to be the strongest.

One of these guys won't make it.

Oh, what's going on? Oh, what happened there?

Derrick drags Brian down with him.

He's not the daddy, he's the baddie.

But Chopper Brian not hanging about.

No, his eagerness has pulled Lee off.

Blind panic setting in as no-one wants to be eliminated now.

Who's The Baddie seizes the opportunity to make a clean break.

Can Brian get aboard before the table tips?

No, the table turns in Derrick's favour.

A slower, steadier strategy has worked

for the grandfather from London who just needs to hold it together now.

Behind him Chopper Brian is on Derrick's tail

and Brian's tilting the table away from Lee, very clever.

And Derrick makes it.

With Derrick safely through there's only one place left.

It's not looking good for Lee

as Chopper Brian is just one stride from safety. And, yes, he's done it.

-Yes!

-Brian is through.

Which means Precise Lee has come a very, very long way

for precisely nothing.

The journey is over for the 36-year-old father

from Northern Ireland.

Oh, you're like hop-along Skippy!

What's wrong, you're limping?

Whenever I got on the first paddle,

and then somebody must have jumped on

and when I fell I just hurt my leg.

Oh, no! So are you saying that someone has injured you and that's why you didn't get through?

Oh, no, it's fair game. Not at all.

-Best man won, so...

-Are you really gutted that you haven't got through

to the Wipeout Zone?

Well, championship top five, I'm happy.

So, now they are four. If they were animals

the RSPCA would have stepped in by now,

but they're not, so there.

This time the Doughnuts will claim a victim. Who will it be?

Here goes. Oh, staggering scenes.

But the course is this way!

It's over here. Never mind.

It's almost as if they're dizzy.

Chopper Brian not looking too chipper.

Once again La Troya immune to the dizziness.

Up and over the Devil's Prong in no time.

Oh, they are so desperate for this, you can see it.

Troy's determination is unbelievable.

And temporary. If you've thought the Tippy Tables were slippery,

you ain't seen nothing yet.

Someone should put up a sign or something.

Who's the Derrick opting for a face full of Doughnut.

Everyone is desperate.

Crime Scene James can't afford to hang back or that will happen.

Troy barges in, but it's a desperate fight for those three places.

Someone has to lose out.

Oh, a little nudge from Troy and Derrick is in.

I'm sure it was accidental.

La Troya on to the third Doughnut,

lunches for safety, he's off, but is clinging on. Haul yourself up.

No, that long swim back to the start gives everyone else an advantage.

Meanwhile, Chopper Brian's pulled out all the stops and he's across,

into the Wipeout Zone.

It looks like Crime Scene James

has got an equal helping of determination.

He's on to the third Doughnut. Derrick way behind.

James goes for it and he's through. One place left.

And a straightforward head to head now.

Both Derrick and Troy have qualified before,

but who wants it more this time?

Oh, a pretty bad jump from our grandfather, there.

Derrick nudging La Troya's Doughnut. Oh, cheeky!

Derrick obviously hoping that if all else fails he can push him off.

But Who's The Baddie can't even cheat when he needs to.

Look at that!

You can't hide, Derrick. We know it was you.

Troy knows how important this is, he's taking ages,

but he's safe and halfway there.

Two more jumps and he's back in the champions' Wipeout Zone.

One jump now.

Oh, Derrick, staring defeat in the face

and Troy is going to make his seven-year-old very proud.

Daddy's made it to the Wipeout Zone for a second time.

But that means it's the end of the road for recovery driver Derrick

and his dream of being daddy of the Total Wipeout Champion of Champions.

Unlucky.

-Daddy!

-Oh, Daddy's home.

Listen, the daddy was playing a few childish games out there!

-What, pushing the Doughnuts!

-I've got to get myself moving.

The daddy...

Underwater, if you look...

That's my excuse, I'm sticking by it.

In actual fact you were almost across and Troy knocked you off.

That's right, he did. Yeah, so, all's fair in love and war.

-Good game.

-You've been absolutely fantastic.

You're the Mac Daddy, the Daddy Mac of all time. Well done.

It really has been a case of survival of the fittest,

and flukiest, and bounciest and least dizziest.

Chopper Brian, Crime Scene James and La Troya Jackson

are about to tackle the Wipeout Zone,

all of them one step closer to £10,000

and that coveted title of Champion of Champions.

All that's left is a small and piffling obstacle course.

I've really surprised myself.

I think genuinely I've been quite shocked the whole way through.

It feels out of this world.

I'm over the moon. I'm just glad to be back here.

It's been a hard slog,

but I am really pleased to be back here again.

Before I came into Total Wipeout originally I don't think I had much self belief.

I just suddenly realised that actually, yeah, I am OK,

I am quite good and my confidence has just skyrocketed.

If I should win tonight and call my seven-year-old son, Jordan,

and say, "Daddy just won Total Wipeout,"

Jordan would be like the king of his class because his daddy won

Total Wipeout Champion of Champion.

The second time round in the Wipeout Zone

I really want to put right some wrongs

that went wrong for me last time.

A simple slip, a stupid mistake and that's it,

game over for you, so everything's got to come together on the night.

Troy wants this big time. I think he's got more focus than a digital camera.

Looking at him, Troy is going to be the competition.

He's just a strong, strong big lad.

Brian, you're going down. Tonight, the trophy's mine.

I so, so want to be crowned Champion of Champions tonight.

I'm the sort of person that if I enter a competition,

I enter to win and this is the title to have.

I've got it in me to win it and I'm in it and I'm here to win it.

Three of Total Wipeout's toughest contestants

have made it through to the Wipeout Zone.

Who will win the battle and claim the title the Champion of Champions?

This is what our finalists will have to face today.

They'll give their worth, it's Killer Surf.

One final time, it's the Rapid Climb.

Harder than it seems, it's the Balance Beam.

By this point they'll be weaker, it's the Crazy Sweeper.

I've lost my rhyming dictionary. It's the Tarzan Swing.

And no rhyme needed for the clock, it's the clock stopping button.

Troy, James and Brian, they're back, they're bad, they're ready for

action, they've been here before, the question is, can they do it?

It's the final Wipeout Zone and the first to go tonight is Troy.

Well, he dances like the King Of Pop,

but can he become King Of The Wipeout Zone?

Troy is in the house, the big one.

Eee-hee!

Our first contestant is off.

Troy has already overbalanced and goes head first into the water.

Oh, that's a tough start.

Now he doesn't know which way to go.

Disastrous.

Who comes out of their bubble before they land in the water?

As always, when Troy gets up onto the Rapid Climb

he has ten seconds before the tidal wave is released.

The quicker he gets to the top the easier it'll be.

Both feet are on, the countdown begins.

But Troy comfortably beating the wave. Amazing work.

And the crowd love it. No doubting that Troy is determined.

Troy was the fastest on today's Qualifier

so expect him to set the pace.

Looking good so far.

He's doing really well.

Yes, I concur, Amanda.

Troy will want to beat the Crazy Sweeper this time round.

It seems safe, but now Troy has to time this bit just right.

Oh, this is looking much better. He should be clear.

Oh, no, no! Troy just slips in at the last moment.

Normally Troy might be able to get away with that error and still win,

but this is the Champion Of Champions today.

He's made a quick recovery.

Troy's time is still a good one as long as he doesn't slip up again.

Here goes Troy.

Oh, no, I can't believe it, holding on for dear life.

Come on, Troy! Oh, no!

Oh, butterfingers!

He lands, but he couldn't hold on.

He couldn't afford to waste too much time struggling.

So it's back on to the turntable.

Just one more leap to go.

And there it is.

La Troya smashes his previous time by 45 seconds,

but will it be enough to win today?

Over to Amanda to tell him how he did.

I tell you what, you have moonwalked, you have chamoned, you've tee-heed

your way through this day to an extremely respectable 2:00.

Eee-hee!

You know the drill.

James is next, but you're the one to beat, let's watch.

It's crime scene James.

It's time to watch this CSI fly.

Your 29-year-old crime scene investigator is off.

And he's certainly flying.

And the battle begins.

At least James has landed the right way up.

Swimming quickly to the Rapid Climb.

Can he beat the wave this time?

It's a strong start.

James wants this win.

The countdown has begun.

But so has James' fast ascent!

Oh, a slight slip, but he's not giving up.

It's getting close to the wire, that tidal wave is due any second.

He's just missed it! Not as fast as Troy,

but a marked improvement on last time.

Taking to the Beam, slow and steady now,

which is only a good plan if he doesn't put a foot wrong.

Remember that last time he made three fatal mistakes,

so clearly being careful this time.

He's safe. Now time for him to meet his old enemy.

It's already one nil to the Sweeper.

Can James even up the score?

That's close already.

Makes a dash for it, but it's catching him up.

And he ducks to safety.

James seems to have lost his momentum. Come on, James, get up.

He's off. He makes it to the podiums. Oh, no!

The Crazy Sweeper wins again.

Good news for Troy, who's still in with a chance.

James just didn't gather enough speed

to avoid the giant spinning arm.

That's what I call being swept off your feet.

Just a swing and a jump left. There's a lot riding on this.

He could still beat Troy as long as the swing and the land are perfect.

Let's hope he's been practising.

Looking good.

Oh, very good.

This is close. What's he doing on the floor now? Hurry up!

Oh, it's a photo finish.

1:58 which puts James in the lead.

Over to Amanda to break the news.

I've got to tell you, put you out of your misery,

it's been a fantastic final so far.

Troy was really, really fast tonight. Guys, there was two seconds in it.

You were runner-up last time, you might get the chance

to be the champion tonight because you were faster than Troy.

I'm sorry, Troy, you're out.

You know what this means? Yours is the time to beat, but Brian is next and he's a fantastic contestant.

He is, he is awesome. He's a force to be reckoned with

so fingers crossed he doesn't do so well.

-Well, let's watch the force.

-Let's see.

The things I do to get my wife a new bathroom.

This one's for you, Cath!

Our last finalist begins his descent.

Bathroom had better be worth it. And Chopper Brian's challenge begins.

Will he become the first to be knocked off the Rapid Climb today?

Oh, he's disappeared. Someone call air and sea rescue.

-Where has he gone?

-There he is.

Seems to be struggling to pull himself on to his feet,

but he's there.

Both feet are on, the timer has begun.

It looks like Chopper Brian

won't be meeting that tidal wave any time soon.

Look at him go! The Balance Beam is next.

Now, he definitely can't afford to make any mistakes.

One slip and Brian's wife

may as well throw out the bathroom fittings catalogue.

But this is fast.

Now Brian faces his worst nightmare, the Crazy Sweeper.

So this time he waits for his moment, and he's going for it!

No, no, it's happening again.

A very lucky escape.

And he's tearing round now. Oh, no, he's gone, he's gone!

And that might have lost him the Champion of Champions.

OK, take your time, take your time.

What I suspect was meant to be a dive and a duck ended up as a fall.

Luckily for Brian he's a fast swimmer,

so he is still in with a chance. Up the ladder.

There's only seconds keeping him ahead of Crime Scene James.

This is going to be a close finish.

Get this right and it could win him the title.

The Tarzan Swing.

It's a good swing and a perfect landing.

One more jump for £10,000.

And Brian knocks ten seconds off CSI James' time,

making Chopper Brian the Total Wipeout Champion of Champions.

It was a nailbiting run from Chopper Brian

who only made one mistake, but it was a big one.

Luckily he made an incredible recovery

and thoroughly deserves his trophy.

Time for Amanda to break the good news.

James has had a fantastic run tonight.

It's been the most incredible final.

You're both absolutely brilliant.

You wanted to right the wrongs that you made the last time and you have!

-No!

-You are the Champion Of Champions. Brian, congratulations!

Hard luck, James. Well, done!

Great! Yes, Cath, you've got your bathroom!

So Brian Wills, an RAF search and rescue instructor from Llanberis

is crowned the Total Wipeout Champion of Champions,

which presumably qualifies him for the Champion of Champions

of Champions show which we'll be doing in 17 years' time.

As well as getting his wife a new bathroom,

Brian plans to use his £10,000 prize to climb Everest.

He can make a little path of £10 notes up the side of it.

Well, done to all of today's competitors.

To take on Total Wipeout once proves you're tough.

To attempt it twice proves you're...

Well, mad. So, that's it.

Until the next time, from Amanda and from me it's goodnight.

If you want to take part in the next series of Total Wipeout

you could be seeing new things,

making new friends,

buying new clothes!

Please go to...

..and fill out an application form.

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