Episode 7 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, Argentina. How do I know?

Well, I don't, to be honest. I don't think it's Swindon.

You're just going to have to trust me,

it's Buenos Aires and this week 20 more ambitious hopefuls,

including a dodge ball coach, a pot-holer

and a professional wrestler have come here

in search of glory, steak and that £10,000 prize.

19 may as well turn around and fly back home because only one can win.

Let the destruction begin.

Welcome to a very special Total Wipeout

because tonight it's the Britain edition.

Yep, every single one of tonight's competitors

hails from the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

How does that differ from normal?

Well, it doesn't.

It's precisely the same,

so I really rather regret asking that question now.

Let's just move on before anyone notices

and see what tonight's Britons will be battling.

The Qualifier, a GCSE in grazes.

Crash Mountain, A level awkward.

Back for the first time this series,

the Dreadmill, degree level difficult.

And the Wipeout Zone, a PhD in pain.

So now the scene is set, the fun can begin.

What can I say about my co host Amanda Byram

that hasn't already been said?

She's a 40-foot-tall German bobsleigh champion.

That's never been said. And here she is with today's first competitor.

So, who is first to tackle the mighty Qualifier today?

It's 29-year-old-fitness-fanatic Jennie from Sheffield,

and she's in the army.

What's the toughest thing you've done to prepare for Total Wipeout?

We run, like, five to nine miles, run with the squadron,

and I am the only girl in the squadron who runs with them, so...

-So you're one chick and how many men?

-About 140, something like that?

What's that like?

It's all right for me!

I may be a girl in the army, but I'm going to

hup, one, two, three, hup, one, two, three right to the finish.

OK, we'll be watching. Standby for the first obstacle.

It's the second outing for the Super Walk Of Shame.

Imagine a Walk Of Shame, but put the word super in front of it,

that's what we've got here.

So, straight into combat, Jennie needs a proper plan of attack.

I'm sure she knows, some of those poles are wobbly... No, she didn't.

That's the sort of intelligence

she could have done with hearing back before she started!

She almost made it,

but on Total Wipeout almost means no chance.

Second set now. Will Jennie fare better or worse?

That's worse! That is worse.

Being in the army Jennie must have a certain level of fitness,

something which most Total Wipeout contestants lack entirely.

Making good progress past the gloves. No, not that one, though.

That... Yeah, that one got her. Being in the army, of course,

she is no stranger to obstacle courses,

though there are no stranger obstacle courses than this one.

Right, there's a parade of red balls coming her way.

And it's easy to forget The Motivator,

a ginormous red mallet.

It's not really that scary, is it?

It's supposed to push the slow ones off the edge,

but frankly it's only worked twice, so it's either stuck,

broken or the contestants are too good.

Hang on, they're not all, like,

-really good contestants today, are they?

-No.

Oh, good. Here comes GI Jennie.

There you go, see, too quick for The Motivator, but... Oh, dear!

Jennie getting into position now for a brand new obstacle.

Legend has it that King Eduardo I promised a cow

to any settler who could master these, the Rings Of Fire.

Failure would bring shame on a family

and mean a life without mince.

Lovingly recreated by one of King Eduardo's descendants,

Eduardo, they're harder than ever.

At least I hope they are because we've only got one cow.

Jennie taking her time, but then the army probably make her

do this sort of thing before breakfast, so she'll be fine.

First contestant on a new obstacle, it's...

Oh, it was really not fine it all, is it? Let's just see that again.

Grab, swing, lunge, miss, spin and drop.

Still, Jennie makes it to the finish line and can stand at ease

with a respectable time of 3:01.

I'm joined now by the lovely Alex from Clitheroe

who spends all his time underground.

-Are you a mole?

-Oh, yes, I am.

I spent all my time crawling through things, climbing up things,

going underground, seeing what's in the underground world.

The feeling of exploration is absolutely fantastic.

Great, the very first mole on the show.

Next week Ratty and Badger make an appearance.

Of course, he's a pot-holer, and a mole, who does karate.

Whatever!

No ropes and harnesses for this one Alex, so do try and stay up. Oh, no!

No, he can't help it, can he?

The second stab on the stalactites or stalagmites of shame

and, again, he feels an urge to go underground.

Yeah, we call it gravity.

That's a real leg twanger that one, followed by a five-star belly flop.

Good work! On to the horizontal climbing wall, the Sucker Punch. Oh!

That would be a shock in a dark cave on a Friday night.

But for a mole, he is doing quite well.

That strong caving grip is working wonders. It was...

Was working wonders.

Holey Moley Alex getting jittery now, he's not used to going up.

That's 15 feet above sea level.

It looks like another competitor too quick for The Motivator.

Good effort. The best for a mole in fact,

and he's looking quicker than Jennie so far.

The Rings Of Fire sure to be his forte,

strong arms, used to dragging him through caves.

He is holding on, just needs to swing now.

No!

Holey Moley Alex finally makes the podium in 2:55,

though he might have been quicker with a torch on his head.

Oh, talk to me, how was that for you, Alex?

-Very hard, actually.

-You were absolutely brilliant though.

You said that you were going to go hell for leather!

That's what I did, even when I fell, I got up there again.

Next to tackle The Qualifier is David, who is head of marketing for

a computer games company, whose names rhymes with Suzanne Vega.

Do you think that your job has prepared you for Wipeout course?

I'll be running, jumping, dodging, you know?

Everything you do in a video game. Easy.

Yeah, but this is different.

It's called real life, and it hurts.

A cautious approach to the Super Walk Of Shame. Oh, and reverse 270.

This man's got panache,

and probably now an ear infection as well, that water's not good.

On to Level III, otherwise known as the Balls.

Joystick David shows us his special move there,

which puts him in the water.

-It's like one big game.

-Yeah.

Which... Up, up, up.

Down, down, down.

Fire, fire, fire. Left, fire, down.

Yeah. You can always start again, another life chalked up.

David claimed Total Wipeout would be like one big computer game,

only this one's got slippery rings dangling above real water.

Oh, it's a good jump.

Oh! Yeah, those slippery rings again.

Turns out to be quite tricky,

as David's computer game employer once said,

to be this good takes ages, in fact, it takes 2:54.

From outer space it's time to crash back to Earth. This is Mike.

He's a professional wrestler and a man mountain.

I've got a good guy character, a bad guy character.

When I'm playing a good guy, geeing up the fans I'm Mike Wild,

and when I want them to boo me I am Hatred.

-So your good guy is called...

-Mike Wild.

-And your bad guy is called...

-Is Hatred.

I smell like smoke because I have been through fire

and this course is going to burn.

Yeah, he is joking, Mike smells like smoke

cos he's been burning wet leaves at the bottom of his garden.

OK, he's off. The first man ever to make that ramp wobble.

He's in, but it's all right, he can probably stand up in there.

If necessary drink it all and run out of a dry pool.

That's Mike Wild trying to swim there,

a pretty mean doggy paddle, I've got to say.

Swimming clearly not a wrestler's forte.

But the crowd all love it.

When he's not Mike Wild,

Mike is the cash allocation clerk for a stationery company in Telford.

Fortunately, he never confuses the two roles.

Just the three steps out of the water,

and, oh, no, he's made that into a new obstacle.

They'd have felt that in Bolivia.

And now for the five inch drop down to the sucker punch.

That fire is still burning. A wrestler will breeze through this.

Oh! No, he's hit the canvas.

He should have spent more time gripping than grappling.

Just who opens the jam jars in his house, I wonder?

In the brown corner it's wrestler Hatred,

and in the other brown corner it's El Swampo.

The mud's got him pinned. You'll have to start the count.

ten, nine, eight... I tell you, he's not going to like this.

Hatred's going to hate being humiliated by bog water.

The minute he finds out who's done that bit there will be hell to pay.

Yes, that's it, he's out.

He's had it, and he's angry.

That's the sign for whoever dug that pit will have to face the Hatred.

Right, who's next? My eyes! That's too bright!

Who's this and what is she wearing?

No-one will miss you wearing that outfit, Sam.

No, exactly, you know?

This is mother of two Sam from Hampshire.

Look at that, not often you're mooned to by the sun.

Let the sunshine in.

I'm here to win.

OK, that's a bit of PWA, Positive Wipeout Attitude.

Oh, it didn't work well at all.

The Sucker Punch now for Sunshine Sam

and she's still smiling.

Smiling in the face of adversity.

And adversity returns the favour with a punch to the smile.

But as day follows night, the sun rises again.

I hope the forecast is bright.

She needs to get a move on. Come on!

Flying squirrel.

Yeah.

Oh, The Motivator!

She took too long.

Now, I've seen a lot of flying squirrels in my time,

..but that, that didn't look like one of them!

My favourite thing in the whole world is The Motivator.

Look at that. At last, a perfect strike. Right up the smiley face.

There she goes. Motivated!

Can we just drop all the sunshine gags now, please? And the music?

No, that's too much. And that one, as well. Just, whatever...

The sun and the moon, all in one.

Look at those clouds.

The outlook's not great for Sunshine Sam.

Will she succeed where all others have failed before her?

Oh, that's about as no as it gets.

A lot of falling over, swimming and then falling over again

leaves Sunshine Sam with a rather overcast time of 4:34. Never mind.

Not so sunny now.

I'm joined now at the top of The Qualifier

by Nick who is a dodge ball coach.

Nick, dodge ball, that has got to be a pretend sport.

-You're just making this up.

-No, it's as real as it comes.

We're proper athletes.

So, he'll be brilliant on Total Wipeout, then.

Just a pity that this week there's no dodge ball.

I'll use the five Ds of dodge to get round this course,

dodge, duck, dip, dive and maybe a little more dodging.

That's a lot of Ds for one sport.

Here is another two for you, Dunk in the Drink,

probably followed by dysentery.

Oh, no, he's making it across.

He's away! Oh!

Forgot to dodge at the last moment.

A great performance from the dodge ball-playing Milton Keynesian.

I don't know, is that right? He's from Milton Keynes.

On to the only four balls in the southern hemisphere

that you must never, ever dodge.

Do this well and Nick could post a very fast time. No.

Some more Ds in for you Nick hot off the press,

D for doink, dive and damage.

But he's recovered well and this will be an amazingly quick time.

Rings of fire now. Can he do it? Oh, this looks confident.

This looks great. Good swing.

Missing all of the rings out there and falling in the water.

A quick swim to the podium, Dodgy Nick posts a time of 2:01

that is the fastest time so far today.

It's time to check the leaderboard.

With that storming time Dodgy Nick stamps his name at the very top,

followed by Joystick David and Holey Moley Alex.

And no surprise that Mighty Mike is languishing at the bottom

with a DNF.

Well, with the men dominating the show so far

what would be really great next

is a no nonsense woman to redress the balance.

A woman with passion, drive and determination to win.

I wonder who's next?

This is Jackie, a Home Counties gal.

Hardly aggressive, though.

Look, she's got bunches! She's a mother of two,

probably got a puppy, lives in a cottage, I imagine.

I might only be 46, but I've got what it takes!

Crikey! That's more like it!

Right, so Attackie Jackie attackies the course. Here we go. What's that?

Right, yes.

Right, she's away!

Oh, she... Oh, dear.

To do that was the wrong choice.

Yeah, did herself no favours there.

Time for Jackie to attackie the balls. Here we go. No lingering. Oh!

Oh, nice dive, but that's about it.

She'll need to get a wriggle on

if she wants to put up a fight on Crash Mountain.

On to the rings. Here we go. Oh!

More of a surrender than a fight.

Aggressive she might be, fast, sadly, she isn't.

Attackie Jackie will need anger management with a time of 4:14.

More, please.

This is Natalie from Essex who describes herself as a bad loser.

Watch out, boys, the next female champion's coming to get you.

I shall describe her as Noisy Natalie. And there's also Annette.

In what way is she aggressive?

She's got a Glaswegian accent, and that's enough.

I'm going to treat this course like a man, and walk all over it.

There you go. It's the Total Wipeout Hell's Angels.

Noisy Natalie is out to give the Walk Of Shame a scare.

Ooh! Oh! It scared someone!

That's a nasty face plant.

On the way down, Natalie has time to plant a little kiss.

Angry Annette on the Sucker Punch now.

Angry Annette off the Sucker Punch.

Annette out to smash the balls.

Oh, no smashing, just splashing.

Natalie now prepares herself...

and fails.

Unless she was preparing for a swim, in which case, she succeeds.

Once again, she moves in for her trademark kiss. Just there.

She knows the right moment, lovely.

Annette on the rings now, and, oh, straight in.

Give her credit, she did at least brush past three of them.

How many rings will Natalie touch? Here we go...

Oh, two!

That leaves the Hell's Angels much closer to heaven.

Angry Annette with a respectable three minutes three seconds and

Noisy Natalie in at a similarly impressive three minutes 14.

Will it be more of the same from the next competitor? This is Mel.

Wow, how do you do that?

-Oh, steady now.

-I'm an ex gymnast.

I competed in two Commonwealth Games and just missed out on the Olympics.

And what could be tougher for a world class athlete than the world famous Total Wipeout course?

Already there's some Olympic rings, there's a winner's podium and there are some big red round things.

Somersault Mel has already had a strong start

as she approaches the Red Balls.

They'll be an Olympic sport in 2012, by the way.

Keep an eye out now for some gymnastic prowess. Oh...

Well, it didn't look too gymnastic, but I wonder what the slow motion camera reveals.

You see, it reveals exactly the same thing, just slower.

Now surely the Rings Of Fire

are bread and butter for a nearly Olympic athlete.

High hopes for this one.

Yes, good swing.

She's on to ring two.

Oh, back again.

OK, trying that again now.

Yeah, on to ring three... But back to the start.

Oh, and a perfect dismount. Just a long climb upwards to the podium.

She'll have to wait to see if she's finally got that bronze

that every British athlete deserves.

But for now, a very good time of two minutes 41 seconds.

Time for a real life hero.

No not me, I mean a proper hero.

It's Brian, an air sea rescue chopper pilot.

Total Wipeout is all about balance and speed, in my eyes.

Do you tick any of those boxes?

I'm a former BMX freestyle World Champion.

Yeah, we'll pretend we didn't hear that Brian.

And Brian's got his mates to drop him off. Cool!

They'll be standing by should anything go wrong.

I've been rescuing people for 15 years.

I'm not cashing in any favours to be rescued on this course today.

Let's see what the RAF is like on the ground

as he heads down to the Super Walk Of Shame. Whoa!

That...that is good footwork.

Really good footwork.

Quickly on to the Sucker Punch. Edging along.

Oh, missing. Dips a foot in the mud,

maybe just checking the temperature, but he's undeterred.

This is brave stuff, and he's across! What a hero!

Brian sprints towards the Big Red Balls. I'm expecting something good.

One, kind of two... Yes, he's on, he's on.

Yeah, three. This is...

Oh, yes! It's got all the hallmarks of...

Oh - of another failure.

Could have done with an airlift over that last ball.

This is shaping up to be a very fast time, though.

The best attempt we've seen so far today, but, oh, same outcome.

Nevertheless, Chopper Brian completes the course

in the fastest time so far,

an amazing one minute 48 seconds!

Even the fastest competitor so far, Chopper Brian,

couldn't manage to defeat the Rings Of Fire,

but he's not the only one person

who's been having ring trouble, because so far not one contestant has managed to traverse them.

They've defeated a dodgeballer, a pot-holer,

a world class athlete, even a district supermarket manager,

which begs the question, are they impossible?

Is this really an obstacle that no-one can beat?

They're certainly tough, but spare a thought

for the ring on the end, ring 16, never touched, never reached, stuck out there alone and unloved.

Well, from now on it's going to be different.

We need a coordinated attack.

This is Operation Bumblebee.

Here is Lesley, a copper from Devon.

She's used to chasing bad men over rooftops so she'll make mincemeat of it.

And as backup she has her trusty sidekick, Claire.

They don't actually know each other, but she does have a bee on her T shirt, so she's in.

Having limbered up on the Super Walk Of Shame,

Operation Bumblebee is go, go, go.

Let's Be Havin' You Lesley is first to the rings. Yeah...

Yeah, well, there's still hope. I'm not giving up.

How about Claire, then? Can she change things on the rings?

No, not even close. That's it, I'm shutting down Operation Bumblebee.

Sorry about that. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but, hey,

sometimes even the best laid plans don't make it out of the workshop.

My underwear toaster, for example.

That was terrible.

Moving on, time to check the leaderboard.

Chopper Brian needs no rescuing in first place,

knocking Dodgy Nick down to second, Somersault Mel in third.

After Joystick David, Holey Moley Alex makes it to fifth

and anger management won't help Annette in seventh.

And supporting the bottom of the board - Operation Bumblebee,

Buzzy Bee Claire.

I'm joined now at the top of the course by Jon from Liverpool, who is a florist.

I'm joking, of course. Because you're a rock 'n' roller, aren't you?

Indeed I am, indeed I am.

Do you kind of like rip your shirt off and show all the girls your rock and roll physique?

I said rock 'n' ro-o-o-o-o-oll!

Well, he's certainly got his voice turned up to 11.

Wow, look at that! The power of rock 'n' roll

destroying the Walk Of Shame like a hotel TV. Yeah!

Purple trousers! His PE shorts must have got lost, maybe. I don't know.

In transit to Argentina, perhaps.

Jon now warms up for the Balls.

Check one, check two...oh...

Check one Jon's not drowning in there.

This is set to be a storming time, though,

but Rock God Jon's gig has not finished just yet.

Time for one last encore.

Well, Rock God Jon comes in at one minute 47. That is rock 'n' roll.

Yeah, rock 'n' roll!

After that aural assault, it's time for someone a little more dainty.

This is geography graduate Gemma from Wolverhampton.

Not a bad time up to the Sucker Punch, and she's straight off.

Time for a field study, though.

Crop rotation, probably.

Big Red Balls, B plus for effort up that 40% incline.

A big bounce. Well, done. A tummy splat onto ball two.

That's what I call a water fall.

You may think she made a mistake there, but she was actually trying to teach you

a little something because look, from memory,

she's created the whole of the African continent.

I'll have to knock points off

because she merged the Sahara with the tropical savannah,

but, no matter, good effort. B minus, and Geo Gemma

secures a place in the top 12 with a time of three minutes eight seconds.

Now there's nothing like a two horse race here on Total Wipeout.

Here's Sarah, a saddler from Scunthorpe. She repairs tack and makes bridles.

And there's a horseshoe in her pocket for luck.

It caused havoc at airport security, believe me.

She's head to head with a prancing stallion, Ali from London, who claims to be a hit with the ladies.

Yo, listen up. They don't call me Turkish Ali for nothing.

And for that reason, I'm going to show you why.

Come on!

Yeah, must be that gentlemanly eloquence

that makes women go weak at the knees.

33 to one on he clears the first fence.

-Why?

-Yeah, I don't know.

Well, you fell off, that's why, obviously.

Sarah, now, and it's a good beginning,

a rubbish middle and a terrible end.

Turns out an early refusal for Sarah there, but she is already

several lengths ahead of the Turkish stallion, so she may have room.

The Big Balls there. She's not spooked at them, that's good.

She's going to tackle them. She's jumped.

She's... Oh. Yeah, that's the water.

She can't afford to spend too long in there

because Ali will be catching up.

Come on, Ali. Time to show the fillies what you're made of.

Lead... And mud.

Well, long faces all round in our two horse race then

with two very slow times.

Bad luck.

-Why?

-Colin's a driving examiner from Redditch, but will he pass the test?

Do you see what I did there? Test? Yeah...

I'm going to start this course in overdrive and I'll let you decide what gear I'm in when I've finished.

Straight out of the test centre and down the Walk Of Shame,

first gear, second gear, third gear...

Oh, missed a gear.

Good strides, but then he makes one minor fault

for failing to indicate before falling and, I'm sorry,

I'm going to have to fail you for that.

Good speed on to the Sucker Punch.

He is fast. Makes his move.

Come on, Colin. Forward, forward a bit.

You're all right, you're all right. Oh, he's through the Sucker Punch

with no faults. That is impressive.

Up the hill and, oh, what's he doing?

Oh, emergency stop. Right, holding it well.

Now for the hill start. Here we go.

Oh, good clutch control, like it. He's off again.

Good bounce on the first ball, tummy on the second, and into the water.

I'm afraid, Mr Hancock, you're not supposed to hit the water during a Big Ball manoeuvre.

Have to keep a note of that, just so you know.

Colin heads for the rings, and for a man who spends most of his day

on his bottom, this doesn't bode well.

But, you never know, maybe he'll surprise us. Oh, not a bad start!

Actually, maybe he really will surprise us. Whoa, this is...

For the first time, somebody looks like they can actually do this.

That's past halfway, now.

The only one we've seen manage to get the swing right.

Just five or so more to the end.

This could be a first!

He's got further than anyone else on those rings. Come on, Colin.

Almost there. Just one more to go! Somebody might finally do it.

And that is amazing!

Unbelievable stamina and perfect technique.

Colin now gets that promised cow.

Good luck getting it through Heathrow.

Apart from a wonderfully respectable time of two minutes six seconds,

we've finally found our Lord Of The Rings and his name is Colin.

This is IT genius, Mubarak.

He's had some of the country's biggest brains helping him calculate the best route around the course.

The guys that I work with have kind of...

kind of made some computational simulations of some of the obstacles.

-So, what's the probability?

-95% chance that I will do it in sort of under a minute.

I've got to take my hat off to this man, he is brimming with confidence.

I've not seen that done before.

All right, this is for all you IT geeks out there. This one's for you!

Plus, we can solve any anti viral issues you may have.

Mubarak's computer will keep us up to date with his 95% chance.

Well, he's not that fast down the ramp.

Considering his prediction, that is a rather cautious start.

That's a very cautious start in fact.

His prediction not looking good, dropping to 75%.

He's going for the flat out approach.

Oh, he's starting to wobble. No matter.

He's going to stand up though. No, no forward progress, just standing.

Well, that percentage has crashed to 55 now.

He's clinging on. Oh, system error!

Gone for a swim. He has crashed.

Hard reboot required. The chances of Mubarak completing the course

in under a minute are -193%.

He'll need to be quicker to avoid The Motivator. Come on.

It's lurking. Question, did Mubarak factor

The Motivator into his calculations?

Answer, it doesn't look like it.

Brilliant, Mubarak's been well and truly motivated.

Now, that's what I call a RAM.

I can't believe it, The Motivator twice in one show.

This is truly a cause for celebration.

# Well, if I had a hammer

# I'd hammer in the morning

# I'd hammer in the evening

# All over this land

# I'd hammer at danger

# I'd hammer out a warning

# I'd hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters

# All, all over this land. #

Mubarak finishes with an impossibly slow six minutes and 26 seconds.

Or in binary code that's 1001...

Oh, forget it, I'm exhausted. One competitor still to come.

I'm joined now at the top of The Qualifier by Shaun from Walsall

who says he's a bit of a free spirit. So what is it that you do, Shaun?

Well, I'm actually a spoken word artist, which means I paint pictures with words.

Oh, go on, paint me a picture with a few words, then.

OK, I have a little something. OK. Mother nature is a good cook.

She often bakes her favourite cake called life.

She has one single ingredient, it's called love.

You should try it, it's really good.

That's lovely, Shaun.

What? It didn't even rhyme!

After this, I'm going to have to get a lawyer because Total Wipeout's

going to take me to court after the way I assault this assault course.

Yeah, was that another poem

or is the People's Poet just overconfident? Well, he's off.

Oh, that is poetry in motion.

I can't believe what I've just seen!

Did anyone tell him there were gaps between the podiums?

That was staggering.

My thoughts exactly, Amanda.

Oh, that'll teach him for being so good. On to the Sucker Punch.

It doesn't seem to be troubling Super Shaun one bit.

The only person who's fallen so far seems to be Amanda.

Will he make it in one piece?

No, still, a very controlled fall.

Even in slow motion, Speedy Shaun oozes confidence here.

This is a fast time already.

Will he be the second man to make it across the Rings Of Fire?

Can he finish in the style he started?

Oh! Let's just pretend that didn't happen.

It looked like he really got a rhythm going there, he just missed that third ring by centimetres.

Very unlucky. Super Shaun finishes

in the simply unbelievable time of one minute and eight seconds.

Shaun becomes the fastest ever on The Qualifier.

There's only one word to describe that...

-Wow!

-Wow!

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow!

Wow, wow, wow, wow!

Enough.

Wow!

That was unbelievable.

Well, what can I say, man? You'd better believe it.

Yeah, I thought he would have said something more wowy.

Well, let's see the final leaderboard.

No shock that Speedy Shaun, rock god Jon and Chopper Brian dominate,

followed by Dodgy Nick and Hill Start Colin.

You have to get to eighth to find Holey Moley Alex, and Geo Gemma

is the unlucky woman to end up between the two Hell's Angels.

So, some have gone and some more remain.

Well, 12. Obviously the rules quite clearly state that 12 remain.

So it's time to wave a cheery goodbye to the eight losers.

Bye bye, then. Bye bye.

No-one waving back. That's quite rude, really, but, bye anyway.

# I, I who have nothing

# I, I who have no-one

# Must watch you go dancing by

# Wrapped in the arms of somebody else

# When darling, it's I

# Who loves you

# I love you

# I love you

# I love you. #

This is the biggest machinery arm thing moving around

in an unstoppable circle in the obstacle world.

It seeks to destroy anyone stupid enough to stand on a stick above a swimming pool.

It is, of course, Crash Mountain and here's how it works.

The remaining 12 contestants must race across a rotating bridge.

The first six to reach the safe haven, that's the middle of it by the way, qualify for the next round.

And did I forget to mention the sweeper arm

going in the other direction?

That makes the whole thing rather difficult, and funny!

Here are the brave 12.

HE SCREAMS

On podiums one, two and three, it's Somersault Mel, Dodgy Nick...

I'm going to use the sixth D of dodgeball, drowning!

..and Speedy Shaun.

If the mind can believe it, then reality can conceive it.

That rhymed that time. On four, five and six, it's Hill Start Colin, Rock God Jon...

These guys are stuck between the rock and a hard place.

..and Chopper Brian.

A man of few words. On seven, eight and nine are Angry Annette...

Jennie, you're going to hup, two, three, four, down into that water.

..noisy Natalie and Holey Moley Alex.

-Jon, you may rock, but I go through rocks all the time and I'm going to go through this!

-Yeah.

And, finally, on ten, 11 and 12 are Geo Gemma, Joystick David and GI Jennie.

I should have gone on Weakest Link.

12 contestants, only six will go through to the Dreadmill.

Here on Total Wipeout we like to build up our contestants only to knock them down again.

It's Crash Mountain.

Three, two, one! HORN BLASTS

It begins, and Dodgy Nick's the first to go for it.

Angry Annette has a go.

Oh, she'll be livid with that!

Holey Moley Alex fluffs it.

Somersault Mel is on, ducking the sweeper beam.

She's got to get to her feet for it to count, and, oh, no, she's gone the wrong way!

Speedy Shaun quickly off.

Timing is key on Crash Mountain and that's how not to do it.

Rock God Jon just about gets a toe on. GI Jennie takes a hike.

Hill Start Colin is off, too. Will anyone make it to the centre?

Not Natalie.

Not Brian either.

Speedy Shaun's second attempt.

Looking better, but he must get up.

It's now or never.

Oh, I guess it's never.

Interesting fact, everything on Crash Mountain is quite a lot less padded than it looks.

Dodgy Nick takes a flying leap into the water.

Dental appointment required when he gets home.

Geo Gemma has a go at last.

She's up and running.

Oh, no! She gets two hands on the centre but can't quite hold on.

-Chopper Brian's on and he's up! That was very quick.

-Brian!

That is how to conquer Crash Mountain. The hero strikes again.

Choose your moment, close your eyes and leg it.

GI Jennie is on.

Now she's off. It's a Crash Mountain battlefield,

straight in the path of the rotating beam.

It might just be Brian in the next round, then. Brian alone.

Somersault Mel again. Can she put her gymnastic abilities to good use?

Run, Mel, come on!

That's a no. Oh, and her helmet's come off.

Hats off for that performance.

It gives you a teeny sense of just how fast the sweeper arm is moving.

Her head wasn't still in it or anything, but it came off.

It is also perhaps a useful reminder

of why Crash Mountain has never appeared in the Olympics or Commonwealth Games.

Somersault Mel is back on her podium. The action can start again.

Speedy Shaun takes a turn.

Waiting his moment.

Oh, a quick duck, only just.

And he's on! Four spaces left.

Tiredness is setting in as Colin makes his bid for the centre.

And he's done it, with a little help from Chopper Brian. He just can't help rescuing people, can he?

Angry Annette next, come on, do the girls proud. It's not exactly a relaxing lie down. Oww!

Or a relaxing swim.

Come on now, Mel, make this count.

Timing it.

And she does make it count.

She's there. She's the fourth one in.

That makes Chopper Brian, Speedy Shaun, Hill Start Colin and Somersault Mel all home and dry.

Two spots left. Will it be Holey Moley Alex, Geo Gemma,

Noisy Natalie, Angry Annette, Dodgy Nick, Rock God Jon, GI Jennie or Joystick David?

Geo Gemma is very good on soil erosion.

-Just run!

-Not so hot on Crash Mountain.

Manages to hit every part of her body on the way down.

That was thorough. Rock God Jon now who's rocking on, and staying on.

He's up on his feet. Ooh, he's down again.

But he's up again, and he's going for his solo.

Grabbed on to the crossbar but he's made it. He's there.

He's safe, but looked like that might have hurt!

And, again, Chopper Brian does another mountain sea rescue.

One more.

Things are getting desperate.

By things, I mean Annette. And here is Joystick David.

Flat landing. He's up on his feet, he's running and he's on.

That was quick and that completes the six.

Not that Gemma cares, she just wants another go in the water.

So it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, as in

there are six winners and six losers, and I need a lie down after that.

It's a sad moment, a moment of reflection, of sorrow and of tears.

Not a time to mock and scorn.

It is time to say goodbye to the six LOSERS!

Sad, very sad.

I don't know if I've done the British troops proud,

but I've done myself proud, so...

Really hard. There were a couple of different techniques.

There was the jump and grab technique,

or there was the run really hard, but neither seemed to work for me.

Brian's going to make it through, and maybe Colin.

I think he'll be the little sneaky surprise

through to the Wipeout Zone.

I could not get on to that pad at the end, I just ran for it,

mistimed it, ended up in the water or just slipped off.

I didn't even get hit by the bar.

I wanted to at least go out spectacularly.

I should have won it if I really wanted to substantiate dodgeball's claim to fame, kind of thing.

This time I couldn't dodge the bullet. Ha-ha!

At one point, I had a hand on the middle and then just that sweeper

comes round so fast and my little legs can't make it to that middle.

Hurray, that's another six gone.

Sorry, that's sad. Another six are gone.

But now it's time for the return of an old favourite.

Oh, is it Dangermouse? No, no, of course, it's the Dreadmill.

Back by unpopular demand for the first time this series, here's how the Dreadmill works.

First, the Dreadmill moves. Contestants beware, it gets faster and faster.

Then, hanging above each runner,

a menacing wrecking ball will strike him down.

The ball gets lower and lower with every swing.

If they're knocked down and don't jump up again quickly enough,

they're dumped in the pool of despair.

The winner of each heat wins a place in the Wipeout Zone.

So that's how the Dreadmill works, when it's working, which is roughly 60% of the time.

Let's see how good the six remaining competitors are at running fast whilst dodging demolition balls.

The names have been drawn at random from a random hat. So, randomly, who's first?

Heat one is Hill Start Colin versus Somersault Mel.

I hope that wrecking ball knocks Mel for six, so she doesn't know what's hit her

and I'll just go in there and take the final from her.

I'm the one used to doing somersaults, but today

I'm going to see Colin fly off that treadmill and somersault at the end.

One massive treadmill, two massiver balls, but there can only be three finalists.

It's the Dreadmill and the first two to battle it out are Colin and Mel. Are you two ready?

Three, two, one!

It's time to start running.

Mel and Colin both looking anxious.

That's probably because the wrecking balls are about to start swinging.

There they go. Look behind you.

Mastering the combination of ducking whilst running is harder than you might think

and, remember, those balls get lower and lower.

And Colin's down, got to get up immediately or he'll be disqualified.

Mel watches on hopefully.

But Colin's scrambled up. And now he's down again.

Come on, Colin, get up quickly. He's up.

And down again. I can't keep up!

And now Mel's down, but she rolls sideways. Oh, Colin's gone again.

Mel's down again. Both of them manage to roll to safety and stay in the game.

Mel goes once more, and she can't roll off this time and that's it, game over.

Somersault Mel is eliminated while Hill Start Colin goes through to the Wipeout Zone.

I lost count of how many falls happened there,

but the one that mattered was Mel slipping into the pool of despair.

That was literally nail-biting.

Colin was down then he was up, then he was down. You were fine, then you were down.

So, what happened at the very end?

I don't know. I thought I was doing well and then I just

lost it and tried to get back on, but obviously it was moving faster and it was pretty tough.

It's Joystick David versus Rock God Jon.

This is high-tech versus hi-fi.

Am I going to get taken out by someone in leather trousers? No way!

Sporting Billy here, Mr Runner, he's going to keep on running until it's over.

This isn't a computer game any more, this is rock 'n' roll. I'm going to show him how it's done.

I've got rock 'n' roll across the heart, and I'm going all the way to the Wipeout Zone. Oh, yeah.

Three, two, one!

Yeah, just as I feared, Jon's gone for tight rubber trousers. I think they're rubber.

I'm not going to check. Surely not the wisest choice of legwear for outrunning giant wrecking balls.

Though, in his defence, I've not seen a computer game with big black swinging wrecking balls,

so they're both evenly matched.

Treadmill speeding up, going faster and faster.

All about keeping your eye on your own wrecking ball, not getting distracted by the other one.

Oh, that was close.

That did look close. Jon's been hit.

Tries to get up, but no, no, he's into the pool. Out of the competition.

It's all over for Rock God Jon, which means Joystick David qualifies for the Wipeout Zone.

That is rock 'n' roll.

Jon looked like he'd forgotten about the giant wrecking balls,

maybe daydreaming about smashing up amplifiers.

Who'd have thought it? Tight rubber trousers aren't conducive to competitive exercise after all.

I'm not a natural sprinter. It just got a bit too fast for me, what can I say?

I thought your spangly pants were going to save you.

They're filled with water at the moment, so...

The final Dreadmill is sure to be a real humdinger.

The fastest ever qualifier, Speedy Shaun, against superfit Chopper Brian.

Even if Superman was here, yeah, I'd find a way to beat him.

And Brian's no Clark Kent.

The guy's 15 years younger than me and has put the record time in, so,

not the best draw I think, but we'll give it a go.

Three, two, one.

I don't think Chopper Brian should be worried about Shaun being younger

than him, it's just whether or not he's faster than him. Let's see.

So, the wrecking ball starts swinging.

Getting faster all the time.

Both Shaun and Brian are very tall, so this isn't going to be easy.

Even harder for poet Shaun as the only thing that rhymes with balls is falls.

Looking fairly steady. They're having to duck very low already.

On the face of it both men super fit, both good runners, pretty equally matched.

Shaun seems to be struggling the most.

His balance is off with every swing.

Oh, and Shaun is down.

Slides to safety, but he needs to get back on the treadmill quickly.

An excellent recovery from Shaun.

The race is back on for that final place in the Wipeout Zone. Only one of these two going through.

Brian looks comfortable, Shaun less so.

A little stumble from Shaun again, while Brian still remaining calm.

Shaun stumbles again, struggling to get back on. Now he's back off the other side.

Ow!

Shaun looks hurt now.

Very hard to get back on a treadmill moving that quickly. Come on, Shaun.

Attempts to get back on, another stumble.

Oh, I think he's hurt again!

Speedy Shaun needs to get back to his feet if he wants to stay in the game.

He's down again!

-This is unbelievable! Shaun, get up and stay up.

-KLAXON SOUNDS

And there goes the klaxon, which means it's all over for Speedy Shaun.

It's a shame that Shaun had to go out like, but he was taking relentless punishment.

Having been down so many times, he just couldn't get back to his feet quick enough.

Meanwhile, Chopper Brian just kept on motoring - calm, fast and in control.

Aw, man, come and talk to me.

I'm really sorry, mate.

Listen, you went from being the fastest person in The Qualifier ever to being out right now, because you

hit the ground one too many times, I'm afraid, and you just didn't get up fast enough.

I don't know what to say to that, I really don't.

I imagine that it's tougher than it actually looks, I guess.

That treadmill was really moving at some speed.

What can I say? Take the rough with the smooth.

So, Joystick Dave, Hill Start Colin and Chopper Brian are the talented

individuals who've qualified for the Wipeout Zone, but they can't just go ahead and do it like that.

Oh, no, there are all sorts of forms that need filling in and

safety checks that someone will have to pretend they've done, plus there's that dead pigeon

that needs to be fished out of the water filter, that's got to be done.

So while all that's happening, here's a reminder of the heroic

journey the three heroic heroes have heroically undertaken.

I'm so proud to be right here right now.

-It's been just so much tougher than I thought it was going to be.

-I had an absolute nightmare.

I fell off absolutely everything, so that probably makes me the worst finalist of all time.

If I'm honest, I didn't even expect that I would be here at the final three.

There's not a place on the world I'd rather be.

Brian, the mountain rescue man, he climbs Snowdon and he flies helicopters.

I've got to beat him in the final, how do you do that?

Brian is... He's such a machine. I would be very overwhelmed if I could even get close to Brian's time.

Colin, Colin, Colin!

He was a legend, he was the only guy to get across those rings.

Am I going to allow myself to be beaten by a 45-year-old?

Ginger pride all the way tonight! Hopefully, it's going to do me good.

I've had 38 years of ridicule for the colour of my hair so hopefully tonight it's going to do me proud.

My seven-year-old twins, they've already given me advice, and it's managed to get me through to

the final, so to win this evening it really just now sends shivers down my spine.

It's every man for himself.

It's the icing on the cake to be in the final.

The cherry on top of the icing on top is that money.

I'm still playing, and I can win that ten grand, and that would be lovely!

I can't wait for the challenge. I'm up for it and I'm ready to go now.

What grit, what determination, what people will do for a £10,000 prize!

For Joystick Dave, Hill Start Colin and Chopper Brian, the final challenge awaits.

They have no idea what they're about to face, unless by some miniscule chance they've seen

either Series One, Series Two, the first six shows of this series or

Hammond's Guide To The Wipeout Zone, available everywhere priced 19.99.

Back to today, and the Wipeout Zone looks like this.

David, Colin and Brian are ready for action.

Behind them is the Wipeout Zone.

Let me read from the script of my best-selling DVD.

Killer Surf, the mother of all slides, it says.

Rapid Climb, the mother of all tidal wave enhanced climbs, it says.

The Balance Beam, the mother of all beams for balancing on.

Crazy Sweeper, the mother of all sweepers that are crazy.

Tarzan Swing, the loin cloth-wearing mother of all swings.

Turntable...

that's the mother of all turntables.

And, finally, the clock-stopping button, the daddy of buttons.

That's poetry!

Three heroic men, Colin, David and Brian,

about to face the greatest challenge of their lives, the Wipeout Zone.

And the first to brave it tonight is David.

The 36-year-old computer games marketing whizz has made it to the last level.

Why am I doing this?

OK, seemingly plagued by doubt, a brave David is off.

He lands and it's a short swim to the Rapid Climb, then the ordeal really begins.

No-one's staying dry tonight.

David was seventh in The Qualifier, so not a bad place, as he battles

a torrent of water up onto the Rapid Climb.

Can he make it to the top before the tidal wave sends him

back down to the bottom?

He's up, and the ten second countdown begins.

Come on, David, you've got to move.

Making good progress. Will he?

Will he beat it?

Yes, he has, he's beaten it. David's time looking good as he steps gingerly out on to the Balance Beam.

He was the last to get through on Crash Mountain, so he can't afford

to waste time as perhaps he did back then.

Ooh! A little wobble, but he's looking good.

And he's across.

Crazy Sweeper's next, it's all in the timing and the legs.

David's got at least one of those two things, so he's in with a shout.

He's off running and looking strong

and he's onto the podiums in no time.

He should comfortably make this.

He's going to... Oh, no! Oh, the Hammond jinx strikes again.

-What happened?

-He said he didn't want to be beaten.

He's got it all to do now. It's a swim and then the Tarzan Swing next.

A good launch and high trajectory are essential here.

He reckons he's one of the worst finalists

of all time, and who am I to argue?

I should stop saying anything!

Fatigue must be setting in now as David watches those seconds tick away.

Still, with just one obstacle to go, this is still looking like a pretty competitive time.

We don't know what the others are going to do.

The turntable will start as soon as he's on.

He makes his final leap

and David finishes in a very respectable 2:21.

Slower times have won it before, so Colin and Brian can't afford to take it easy.

A very neat run from Joystick David, bar one slip on the sweeper and a splash on the swing,

that means he's right in there with a chance of walking away with the £10,000 prize.

I tell you what, you had the best start to that course, but you've wavered just at the very end.

-What happened?

-I got to that last...

Before the rope, got on to the platform and slipped, which

was not the greatest, and then I was just getting tired,

-so we'll see how it goes.

-All right, well, David, you've been really, really confident all day.

-Thank you.

-And you've just done that in a really confident 2:21.

-Yeah, it's all right.

Aw, listen, it's an absolutely fantastic time and yours is the time to beat, and Colin's up next.

-Come on, let's have a look.

-Sweet.

Forget three point turns, Hill Start Colin's going

to need some pretty special manoeuvres to beat David's time. That was a good time.

As the oldest competitor tonight, some people may have written Colin off.

He doesn't know it yet, but he must complete the Wipeout Zone

in less than 2:21 if he's going to win.

That is an uphill struggle.

Talking of uphill struggles, can Lord Of The Rings Colin become Lord Of The Uphill Climb?

It's not easy.

Uh-oh, here it comes.

Three, two, one.

Yeah, that was really close!

Oh, by an inch.

Come on.

Colin on the Balance Beam now.

Oh, he wobbles, but supports himself with the wall.

This is slowing him up, though.

He needs to keep moving. Safely across.

He might be an examiner on the road, but Colin merely a learner when it comes to the Crazy Sweeper.

Who isn't? Dodges the first approach, ducks under the next

and now Colin's running.

And crouching again. This is really slowing him down.

But here comes his assault on the podiums.

Quick, before the sweeper comes back round! Oh, this is turning into a very good run from Colin, steady.

A nice, neat Tarzan Swing and he's sure to take the lead.

Has he? He's on. He's stayed on.

Just one jump to the finish now.

He's there, just about,

and Hill Start Colin motors into the lead with a time of 1:52.

Not a single mistake. Much slower than David across the Crazy Sweeper, but faster across everything else.

Really done his twins proud.

Time for Amanda to give him the good news.

Colin, my darling, come out and join me.

How are you feeling, man?

Absolutely whacked.

-Yes.

-Really whacked.

-I'm not surprised. That was a fantastic performance from you.

I surprised myself, if I'm honest, Amanda!

David was absolutely brilliant out here tonight, Colin, but you have mirror, signal and manoeuvred

your way in with a chance to be the Total Wipeout champion, because you were faster than David.

David, man, I'm sorry. All right, hard luck.

Colin, you know what this means.

-Yeah, well...

-You had an incredibly impressive time,

so yours is now the time to beat, and the last

person to go tonight is Brian, and he's good.

If he beats me tonight, he'll be a worthy winner.

All right, well, let's just how worthy he is.

Can the real-life hero Chopper Brian pull it off? Colin must be worried.

Ginger pride, let's get it done!

The helicopter rescue pilot starts his maiden flight down Killer Surf.

Not the best landing, though.

But now Brian faces an entirely unfamiliar kind of ascent, it's the Rapid Climb.

Hauls himself up onto the ramp and the countdown begins.

Ten seconds to splashdown.

Brian has outrun the tidal wave.

Colin looks worried.

This is a quick start.

On to the Balance Beam now.

Brian using the wall there and making quick progress. This is fast.

Crazy Sweeper. Brian waits for it to pass, then waits some more.

Don't go any closer! Oh, he's going backwards.

He's down!

Oh, he's done the one thing he couldn't afford to do.

-He's made a mistake.

-What did he do that for?

I don't think it was deliberate, Colin, I really don't.

Brian gets his measurements wrong and finds himself

directly in the path of the sweeper, and it's downhill and backwards from there. After that big delay

it's a climb to the Tarzan Swing for Brian.

He's got a very big mountain to climb now.

Oh, he's handing the lead and the £10,000 to Colin.

It's all over for Brian now.

And, oh, no!

It does seem as though he already knows it's not a very good time.

No, this can't be happening!

I'm as amazed as you are, Colin.

Brian gets his coordinates wrong and hits the side

of the turntable, and it's crash land into the water.

He leaps to the finish post, a time of 2:29,

which is respectable, but not enough to win.

A promising start by Brian was undone by his premature fall

on the Crazy Sweeper and an off flight-path Tarzan Swing.

Brian doesn't know how he's done yet, so it's over to Amanda

to give him the bad news.

Oh, my goodness, talk to me, talk to me, Brian.

-Are you all right?

-I sort of messed that up.

I was trying to time it and it just got

the better of me.

Well, Brian, regardless of that, you were absolutely fantastic tonight.

You have been the one to beat all day. Colin, you've been doing this tonight, today,

for your twins and you can go home a proud man because you are the Total Wipeout champion tonight, Colin!

CHEERING

And so, Colin Hancock, the driving instructor from Redditch, is tonight's Total Wipeout champion.

Colin receives that shiny trophy as well as a £10,000 prize, and he'll also be back with Brian and David

to compete with the other finalists in the end-of-series final, because it's finally here, it's the final.

It's not the end, it's just the final.

Did I use the word final too many times in that? OK.

The Total Wipeout masters and their apprentices return to Argentina for the mother of all battles.

There can be only one Champion of champions, finally,

it's the final, and that's final.

Oh, yes! That promises to be one big slice of action pie,

but for now, from Amanda and me, it's goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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