Episode 6 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Dancing... Sort of.

Food... I think.

Culture... Allegedly.

Total Wipeout... Definitely!

For 20 more curious Brits, including a hairdresser, a jockey

and two Oxbridge graduates, it's the adventure holiday from hell.

19 will fall by the wayside, one will remain standing proudly on the wayside, whatever a wayside is.

So, without further ado let's start Total Wipeouting!

A-harr, me hearties! Yes, it's that time of year again.

That's right, Britain, today's show is the Total Wipeout annual Pirate Special.

What makes it a Pirate Special?

Well, let's find out. Shiver me timbers, ah argh!

Avast ye, it's The Qualifier.

Batten down the hatches for Crash Mountain.

They'll be shark bait on Dizzy Dummies.

Finally, the Wipeout Zone, a quick visit to the poop deck.

What do you mean you couldn't get any pirates to do it?

I know loads of them!

Oh, well, let's get down to the course where Amanda

is waiting to meet the first land-lubbing non-pirate contestant.

This is 48-year-old cat fanatic Bonny from Luton.

Did I mention she likes cats?

Bonny, nice T-shirt. Who's the handsome devil?

Baby Jasper, who's the only one who loves me at home, who's supporting me properly.

He's going to be... At the television when I'm doing it.

Yeah, or coughing up a hairball in your plant pot.

Either way Catwoman Bonny is off and heading for today's first new obstacle.

# What's new, pussycat? #

Well, Tom Jones, I'll tell you what's new, and who are you calling pussycat?

This is the Catwalk Sweeper, one narrow walkway and three rotating

steel rods programmed to knock the contestants clean off their feet.

So, just what powers those terrifying sweeper arms?

Well, it's the very latest cutting edge Argentinean nano technology.

Time to see how Catwoman Bonny fares.

Oh, meouch! Oh, oh!

It's tricky, we've learned that.

Jas-purr, if you're watching maybe you should look away now.

But if you are coughing up a furball, as you were.

It's a short swim for Bonny now before another attempt at the Catwalk Sweeper.

Here she goes.

Come on, Bonny. Come on.

Not even close, not even close.

That is two of her nine lives lost.

Actually, cats don't like water much and you can tell.

This Sucker Punch wall now for Catwoman Bonny.

The RSPCA would surely frown upon this, but we actively encourage it.

Come on, Bonny.

Yeah. Oh, look at this feline agility.

Oh, sorry, Bonny, jinxed that for you. She did land on her feet.

Dumped right in the cat litter there.

It's not really cat litter, obviously.

It's worse.

It's Big Balls time now.

Bonny is a qualified trampoline coach.

Remember, always use a qualified trampoline coach, not one of those awful amateur ones.

It should provide her with some encouragement,

but The Motivator will see to it if she doesn't get a move on. Go on!

Yeah, she's...

Yeah, that is a cat-astrophe. Sorry.

Bonny never really got her claws into those balls and ended up with another dunking.

So there's more swimming for Bonny now over to the final obstacle, and it's another new one.

And by new one I mean it's kind of an old one with a new bit bolted on.

Basically, the Cradles Of Doom got doomed so Eduardo was sent in

to fix the job with a piece of aluminium and a couple of wingnuts

and what he's come up with is this very impressively named,

if nothing else, Zip A Dee Doo Dah.

You see, that's the Zip,

and there's the Doo Dah.

Competitors must get across it, as simple as that.

Right, we've seen how it works, let's get on with it.

Let's see how Bonny does.

OK, here she goes.

Come on, Bonny, you can do this.

It's all in the timing, agility, stamina, balance and accuracy.

Let go now! Let go, let go, let...

It was Bonny's timing that let her down there.

Along with her agility, stamina, judgement, accuracy and balance.

-Yet another swim for Catwoman Bonny and she finishes the course in five minutes 41.

-I did it!

She looks like she could do with a little cat nap.

I never died! The cat will be looking at that telly and saying, come on, mum, you've done it!

I'm the man!

Yes, he certainly is a man.

He's 44-year-old John from Surrey and he's...

Argh!

Constipated?

John's a retail warehouse manager and he also manages a football team,

so let's see how he tackles the Catwalk Sweeper.

Time for Big John versus the Big Balls.

Yes, looking fresh. There he goes.

And the Big Balls win hands down.

It looks like his big bad knees buckled there.

Final obstacle now, the Zip A Dee Doo Dah.

There it is.

Well, big swing!

Oh, big bad fall.

So, John finishes the course in a big bad time of four minutes 24.

Oh! Oh, blimey!

Indeed. Who's next?

Oh, hello, she's scary!

Meet 25-year-old fluorescent tax accountant Claire.

She glows in the dark, brilliant!

-Useful.

-Are you fit enough today, Clare?

-I am so fit you would not believe.

I've run marathons, I've done Hell Down South, I go to the gym five times a week, check this out.

-Good luck.

-OK, whoo hoo!

Well, she's bright.

Whoo hoo! I am Claire, a tax accountant, but this course is

not going to be taxing because I've got it calculated.

Yeah!

And that's why you never take fashion advice from your tax accountant, right there.

OK, she's off. Where's she gone, where's she gone?

Oh, no, there she is, look, there you can see her. Ooh!

Oh, I felt that, I felt...

Well, she really felt it, but she's still on... Off.

Yeah, the sweepers knocked Claire and her headband right off.

Who would have thought that tax accountants could be so entertaining?

They don't all do this, obviously.

Ooh hoo!

Come on, baby!

And loud. Sucker Punch now.

Oh, ah, oh! She is taking some punches, but Claire is doing well.

And she's across.

We're going for it!

A-star for effort. Final obstacle for Claire now.

Come on, whoo hoo!

Does this girl's enthusiasm have no bounds?

On to the Zip and into the Doo Dah.

Nicely done.

Calculating the final jump now.

Yes! Claire's the first person to beat the Zip A Dee Doo Dah today!

And in one minute 49 she clocks the quickest time of the day so far.

Whoo! Yeah! Have some of that.

Success is everything, failure is nothing. Argh! Woo!

Fantastic performance.

Do you think you've done well enough to get through to Crash Mountain?

I hope so. If I haven't I will be devastated.

Whoo hoo! Call me if you want me to do your tax.

Hello, yes, I'd love you to do my tax.

Are you used to working with celebrity clients?

Crikey! Ken Dodd and Lester Piggott?

OK, do you know what? I'll give it a miss. Thank you.

Now, Total Wipeout sometimes offers contestants the chance to settle old scores, and there is no score

greater than that of the two ancient rivals Oxford and Cambridge in their annual boat race.

Traditionally held on the Thames, it now crosses the pond to Argentina for the first time ever.

And the last. Let's meet the rivals.

Representing Oxford it's 23-year-old law graduate Laura.

It's Oxford versus Cambridge. Let's see who wins today!

It's going to be Oxford, yay!

That was so well enunciated. And from Cambridge it's 21-year-old medical student Sophie.

Hi, I'm Sophie and I'm a Cambridge graduate.

I speak three languages, I'm training to be a doctor.

If this course thinks it can outwit me it can think again.

They're poised for action, so let's get the race underway.

It's time for the inaugural Total Wipeout Varsity Match.

Always wanted to do this.

Straw boater, check!

Old fashion microphone prop, check!

Correct pronunciation, check!

Let's bally well get started, shall we?

OLD-FASHIONED VOICE-OVER: Are you ready?

Go. They're off. Both perfectly clean starts.

Both rowing extremely well and very smoothly.

There has been great talk for a long time of Oxford

being the better crew, the faster crew.

It's Cambridge sitting up,

looking rather more perky and rather brighter.

-CLEARS THROAT

-Excuse me. Oxford's moving along rather nicely.

Oh, but Cambridge have barely left Putney Bridge

and are already in the water.

Cambridge really have to get a wriggle on now

as Oxford have reached the milepost,

otherwise known as the Sucker Punch wall.

Oxford's coping admirably with these adverse conditions.

Cambridge still dallying behind.

Oh, Oxford have hit a mudbank.

Round about the Hammersmith Bridge now

and Oxford have a commanding lead.

Cambridge have steadied their boat.

Oh, but capsized again. Oxford have reached the Big Red Balls,

but both crews are now in the water.

This boat race is turning into a farce.

Well, it would, it's Total Wipeout.

Oxford have the finish line at Chiswick Bridge in sight now,

but they seem to be rowing backwards, that's a first.

Cambridge now on the Big Red Balls.

I do love the boat race,

but how come it's always the same two teams in the final?

And it's all over.

Oxford Laura powers to victory

in a spiffing time of 2:03,

beating Cambridge Sophie by over 30 lengths,

and that concludes this year's varsity challenge.

Jolly well done to everybody, and God bless the King.

Ow!

I knew there were a lot of Jacksons, but who's this?

Tito, Jermaine, Janet?

I'm not here for a suntan, I'm here to win ten grand.

I'm a Jamaican boy from Dundee, number one I'm aiming to be.

Total Wipeout must come true, just wait and see.

That just made my eyes water!

So, will 44-year-old Troy from Dundee give us a Thriller

or will he just be Bad?

He's dodged the first sweeper. Impressive so far. Oh, ho!

Yes, he's OK, he's all right.

Wow, he can really fly.

Look at that!

Onto the Sucker Punch now.

Here we go.

He wasn't hit by a Smooth Criminal, but a pneumatic boxing glove,

but he is Off The Wall.

Somebody stop me! Big Balls now, here we go.

Right, one, two, kind of three. Oh!

Troy moves more like a giant caterpillar than the King Of Pop.

Great effort, though.

Not enough to make it, and not enough to avoid a swim.

So this is it for Troy, one final obstacle.

Here he goes. All in the timing.

He should be good. Great zip.

Good landing. One final leap now for an incredible time.

The pressure's mounting...

and he's made it!

Eee hee!

In 1:21, and that now makes Troy the fastest of the day so far.

That was hard. Eee hee!

-Cha' mon!

-Go get your cha' mon back.

Well, done, that was fantastic. See you later.

Time to look at the first leaderboard,

where La Troya Jackson's in first place, Taxing Claire's second,

Oxford Laura's third,

Cambridge Sophie's fourth,

Big John's fifth and Catwoman Bonny is in sixth place.

Now, this next bunch of competitors all share something in common.

Can you guess what it is yet? Well, 35-year-old Colm from Belfast

is a Gorilla-O-Gram.

Then there's 22-year-old Rach from Cannock, and she's...

Yeah, she's a jockey.

Of course she is, yeah.

Finally, it's 32-year-old Tony from Bournemouth.

Now this one is easy.

He's a snail farmer, see?

I'm small, I'm blonde, I ride a horse.

Watch me gallop round this course.

I'm Total Wipeout's number one.

I'm a lean, mean, snail-farming machine, so watch me escar-go!

OK, this is just weird.

Let's see if these three can use their animal instincts

on The Qualifier. The snail farmer's off.

He matches The Qualifier.

And Tony's escar-gone.

Oh, Tony!

Rider Rach now.

Ooh...oh!

Tiny jockey Rach has fallen at the first fence.

You need a telescope to see her.

Yeah, the odds were stacked against her.

Gorilla-O-Gram Colm is having a go now. Yeah.

Oh, disappointing first jump by the primate.

SHE GRUNTS LIKE A GORILLA

Are you OK there, Amanda?

Primate Colm to the Sucker Punch Wall now.

She's really not quite right, is she? Come on, Colm!

Come on! Oh, shame. That was a stopper.

Get that women some medication quick and get her in the shade.

Let's see if Tony's snail-farming skills

are transferable onto the Big Balls.

Well, no. Of course they're not.

This bit's in slow motion so Tony's snails can watch. Look at him go!

Rider Rach gallops up the slope now.

Jumps...

And slides gracefully into the water!

My-Mate Primate Colm just needs

to think of those Big Balls as big tyre swings now.

Oh, and The Motivator's off, get a move on.

Colm is safely on to the first ball.

And the second.

Come on, Belfast!

Effortless stuff so far. On to the third now.

The gorilla skills are working, they are working...

and the fourth!

He's done it!

Incredible stuff from the monkey man.

My-Mate Primate Colm can do no wrong.

Oh, there goes that Hammond jinx again.

I'm sorry, Colm, I shouldn't have said that about not doing any wrong.

Rider Rach on the Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah now. She zips and slips.

Just the snail farmer to go now.

Oh, Tony's onto the Doo Dah.

Just one big jump.

And he's done it!

-Yeah!

-SnailMan Tony finishes

in a completely un-snail-like time of 1:57.

-Come on, Belfast!

-Ball-crossing Primate Colm comes home in 2:17,

whilst Rider Rach trots home behind them in 2:22.

So, who's next?

I'm Wonder Nic and I'm here to kick the Big Red Balls.

Well, if I were you, I'd just aim to jump across them sequentially,

you know, like... Like Colm did. Go for that.

Yeah, OK.

29-year-old Nic is on a sabbatical,

which is like playing truant but for grown ups, really.

Oh, keeping low, keeping low.

But she's hit. Keeps her balance, though. Very nimble so far.

Time to put Nic to the test now.

Can she put her money where her mouth is and kick the Big Red Balls?

Oh, second ball.

She's doing well so far.

Finding her balance now.

Oh! Hang on a second, they're playing the success music.

She's going to do this, isn't she?

We can't have two ball-crossers today, surely not!

Onto the fourth, now. Yes, this is...

Nic is across! Remarkably, and true to her word,

Nic has kicked the Big Red Balls. She's well and truly walloped them.

Those balls don't know what hit them.

They had no idea what was awaiting them and - oh, hang on. Oh...

Oh, what an anti-climax.

Let's just pretend that last bit didn't happen.

Just gloss over it.

This is more like it.

There, you see? She just needs to make this final jump.

Come on, Nic. Come on, Nic.

And she's done it!

-She's done it.

-Wonder Woman, yeah!

Ball Kick Nic finishes the job in a very speedy 1:56.

Time to meet the wonder that is the next contestant.

Yes, it's hairdresser Ed from Essex, who claims to be very flexible.

Oh, yeah, very bendy.

Careful, Ed, if the wind changes, you'll stay like that.

He might be supple, but he really obviously can't dance.

For all those Essex hairdressers. Love, peace and hair grease.

If this guy crosses the balls, I'll eat my hat.

I'm not just saying that, I will actually eat it.

Mind you, he's pretty good on the Sucker Punch, look.

And he's cleared it.

Onto the balls now.

Will Ed's flexibility help him across

or just help his fall look sillier? One, two, three.

Wow! Surely not!

He's on to the fourth.

Building up some momentum now.

Ed Scissorhands finishes the course in 1:20,

the fastest time today, and he is justifiably happy.

Although he still can't dance.

Meet 23-year-old Becky from West Yorkshire.

SHE HOLLERS

That's what yawning really quickly sounds like.

It says here that Becky is a Rainbow leader. Not a clue.

Ready or not, here I come!

Is she a leader of rainbows? I don't know.

Let's join Becky on the Sucker Punch.

Oh, she may be good at this, but will she beat the Big Balls today?

No, more chance of being struck by lightning.

Right, she's onto the Big Balls ramp.

That's one, two. What is...?

No!

Whoo!

All right, I know what's coming. I'm going to get struck by lightning.

Ha ha.

Come on.

No? OK.

Fair enough, fair enough. So, Becky is our...

Yeah, clever, very clever, and so predictable. Thank you.

Becky's on the Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah now.

Do you remember when we used to laugh at people

falling off the Balls? Oh, those were the days.

Everyone does it now.

Bone-Dry Becky completes the course in 1:18,

making her the fastest, driest person across the course today.

In fact, she's the fastest woman ever to tackle the new Qualifier.

Unbelievable.

Now this guy looks impressive.

Look at that. He could kill a man...

with his thumb.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by J from Hertfordshire.

-How are you spelling that?

-J.

-That's an easy one to remember, isn't it?

-Yes.

Are you excited? Is there anything that you're looking forward to?

I'm looking forward to the Big Balls.

They are my destiny. I must try and get past them.

This time, my money's on him. He is definitely going to cross the Balls.

It's his destiny, and you can't mess with that.

So off he goes. The Catwalk Sweeper is his first enemy.

J has narrowly avoided being knocked off

and does a good job of regaining balance.

Hang on, you'll come back round.

He didn't say that was his destiny, did he?

# Come on, everybody

# Come on in

# Bobby's going to show you how to do the swim. #

This may be a slow swim,

but at least he's not getting his face wet, and that's important.

Look at that, dry face in the water.

OK, onto the Big Balls now.

Here we go again, get ready for J to meet his ball-crossing destiny.

Oh, The Motivator is activated, but he lands on the first ball.

Yeah, this one's in the bag.

Come on, destiny awaits.

J's destiny may lay in tatters,

but at least the Big Balls are back with a vengeance.

Nice to have you back, fellas.

Time for some of that spectacular swimming action again.

Genuinely never seen anything like it.

He does it with his eyes closed.

Finally, J finishes the course in 5:59.

-Over here!

-Sadly, that's the slowest time of the day so far.

J!

He's not ignoring you, Amanda, he's just a little bit overwhelmed.

How does all of that affect the leaderboard?

Bone-Dry Becky's in first place

ahead of Ed Scissorhands and La Troya Jackson.

Taxing Claire's fourth, SnailMan Tony's six,

My-Mate Primate Colm and Rider Rach are eighth and ninth,

with Cambridge Sophie in 10th

and Catwoman Bonny clings onto that 12th place.

Apparently, some people do believe

that the Total Wipeout course favours taller contestants.

In fact, it has been accused of being short-ist.

I would like to refute this.

I've no idea what refuting is, but I'd like to do it and do it now.

The next three competitors are all very tall,

so let's test the tall theory once and for all.

Release the giants.

At 6ft 2, Paul's not small.

His head's in the clouds, literally.

He's an air traffic controller.

Esther's friends call her Amazon,

which is great, because I don't have to think of a nickname.

And this is rugby-playing Gavin from Plymouth.

He's the tallest of our giants at a massive 6ft 6in.

I'm the Flying Scotsman and I'm cleared for takeoff.

I'm a big strong girl, I'm going to show you how it's done.

Big man, small course.

Timid shout-out.

OK.

He's massive.

Amanda passes the eye test, there.

No, it's not actually a diving board.

Tidal wave!

Amazonian Esther makes the most of her long legs.

Oh! Oh, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Not Small Paul's next to have a go.

Right in the kneecap. And the face.

6ft of chipboard versus 5ft 11 of woman.

And sadly, the chipboard wins.

Gavin is off. He's off.

It's air traffic controller Paul versus the punching wall.

Who will come out on top?

He's very nimble for his size.

Almost at the end now.

Oh, and the Sucker Punch has knocked Paul down to size.

Time for the three big people to take on the four Big Balls.

Rugby player Gavin's not used to balls this shape!

It seems they don't like Gavin either.

# Love lift us up where we belong...

Headband's gone.

# Where the eagles cry on the mountain high... #

Do you know what?

I'm so glad that falling off the Balls is back in fashion.

I missed that.

Air traffic, but no control.

The Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah can just about take the strain there.

But Giant Gavin can't.

As they say in the movies, Esther's got long legs that just don't quit.

Oh, they quit, all right.

Not Small Paul now. That's better.

Oh, that's worse!

Oh, and that's better again.

Not Small Paul jumps - well, steps to the finish line in 1:48.

-Giant Gavin stops the clock at 2:32.

-Come on!

And Amazonian Esther reaches the summit in 3:29.

Proof, then, that being tall isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Which of course, I knew all along.

Four contestants to go now.

And this is 38-year-old Phil from Blairgowrie in Scotland

who's a former Scottish karate champion.

And by the looks of things, he's had his golf clubs stolen.

I'm a black-belt caddy, but today,

I'm the one getting a hole in one on the Big Red Balls.

OK, time to check out Phil's handicap.

Teeing up, ready to swing.

Albatross, eagle, birdie. Oh, fore!

SHE LAUGHS

Phil's used to playing on the fairway, but this is the unfair way.

And he falls right into the water hazard.

Perhaps now Phil will have more empathy towards his golf balls.

Phil The Bogeyman finishes in 1:28,

which is surely enough to "putt" him into the next round.

Yeah.

Now it's time for something very special.

It gives me great pleasure to introduce the one, the only,

Muhammad Ali...from Huddersfield.

-Muhammad, tell me, are you as fit as your namesake?

-Fitter.

So is this going to be kind of like the Rumble In The Argentinean Jungle?

Damn right. You've heard of the Rumble in the Jungle,

you've heard of the Thriller in Manila,

this is going to be the Pakistina in Argentina.

Bring it on!

OK, some big talk from the big man there.

But can he live up to his namesake?

I float like a butterfly, I sting like a bee.

I may not be the boxer, but I'm Muhammad Ali.

And he's off. It's the Catwalk Sweeper first.

He floats like a butterfly.

Ooh! That's going to sting like a bee.

Cleared the first and onto the second sweeper now. He ducks.

Misses it twice.

Groin. Yeah, face. That's not good.

# Muhammad Ali He floats like a butterfly

# Stings like a bee. #

He's taking some blows,

but true to his namesake, Muhammad Ali's battling through.

Yes!

Oh, this is it, the pressure is on.

Time for Muhammad Ali to take on the heavyweight champion of the world.

Weighing in at four tons, it's the Sucker Punch wall.

It's the Battle of the Brawn, the Tussle of the Muscle, the...

Oh, Dud in the Mud.

Come on, Muhammad!

Weighing it up, briefly.

And going for it. One, two...

Great first jump, but a slip on the second ball

means Muhammad Ali's out for the count.

Final bout now, Mohammed Ali versus the Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah.

Now that's a sentence

that could only ever make sense on Total Wipeout.

Ooh...holds it together.

Come on, now!

He's done it and in a knockout time of 2:12!

It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.

Big mouth!

Last to tackle the course are sisters Sandy and Caroline,

who have lots in common.

For example, they're both stupid enough to

sign our Health and Safety waiver.

Let's join them both now on the Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah.

It's like looking in a mirror. Well, not in my mirror, obviously.

That was just weird.

A mirror with them in.

# Please don't hurt me. #

Oh! Sadly for Caroline, just smashing your face on the target

doesn't count, you've got to land.

Sister Sandy now.

OK, sorry, girls.

Here we go.

Yes! No.

Oh, gosh!

Oh.

So that's two more things the girls have in common now.

They both finished The Qualifier in over five minutes

and failed to get through to the next round.

In first place, it's Bone-Dry Becky.

Ed Scissorhands is in second, and La Troya Jackson is third.

Not Small Paul is fifth, Taxing Claire is sixth.

SnailMan Tony is eighth.

Oxford Laura is ninth.

The legendary Muhammad Ali is tenth,

and Rider Rach steals that precious 12th place.

That marks the end of a legendary Qualifier

where four contestants have beaten the Big Balls.

Bone-Dry Becky sets the fastest time ever by a lady over the new course,

and Oxford have notched up yet another victory over Cambridge.

Remarkable stuff.

Seems a shame to change the tone and look at the losers,

but just for the record, here they are.

# Soy un perdedor

# I'm a loser, baby

# So why don't you kill me?

# Soy un perdedor

# I'm a loser, baby

# So why don't you kill me?

# Soy un perdedor

# I'm a loser, baby

# Things are going to change I can feel it. #

It's time for the utterly terrifying Crash Mountain in the rain.

This beast won't stop for the weather.

In fact, it won't stop at all since the brakes wore out,

but a downpour and some added danger

are welcomed here with open mechanical arms.

The aim of the game remains the same. Contestants must

jump from any platform on to the rotating arm,

then run to the centre, avoiding the two sweepers as they go.

Except today, it's more slippy, more skiddy and more dangerous,

but much more fun to watch.

In fact, the wetter the better.

12 competitors start, but only five can progress to the next round.

Let's meet the 12.

On podiums one and two, it's Oxford Laura and Rider Rach.

I ride racehorses for a living. This'll be a doddle.

I don't quite see the connection. On three, it's Not Small Paul.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, Mohammed Ali, who's he?

Paul, he's standing right next to you.

If Muhammad can't get to the Crash Mountain,

let the Crash Mountain come to Muhammad.

Technically, that would be against the rules.

On five and six, it's Ball Kick Nic and La Troya Jackson.

Hee hee! Let's go!

Seven, eight and nine hold My-Mate Primate Colm,

Phil The Bogeyman and SnailMan Tony.

My snails might be slow, but you just watch me go!

On podium ten, it's Ed Scissorhands.

I want to be a cut above the rest.

He's going to have hat hair after that.

And finally on 11 and 12, it's Bone-Dry Becky

and Taxing Claire.

Muhammad Ali, this round you're going down, buddy!

Well, just like back in the '70s, Muhammad Ali is clearly

the one they all want to beat,

so now, for the first time ever in Total Wipeout history,

it's time for me to link from my warm, dry studio

over to a wet and cold Amanda down by the course.

It's a little bit wet out here now.

Not as wet as this lot are going to be in a few minutes.

It's Crash Mountain. Are you all ready?

Yes!

At least one of them is. Three,

two,

one!

It's a wonderful sight, isn't it?

I'm talking about Amanda having to use an umbrella.

OK, Troy gets things going, and Colm's in too.

Troy puts his right foot out, Colm puts

his right foot in, then they put their whole selves into the water.

Ed Scissorhands cuts a dash. Oh!

But ends up having a hair wash.

The rainwater now! This is going to be tougher than normal.

Oxford Laura launches her bid.

Oh, best effort so far!

Not Small Paul dives. He needs to get back up now.

Or just fall in the water.

Phil The Bogeyman.

Oh, and he's made it. Incredible!

Ed's running and he's done it, too.

Golf caddie Phil is first into the Crash Mountain clubhouse,

while Ed Scissorhands is close behind.

Two places decided. Three still up for grabs.

Muhammad Ali now.

Oh! Fix! He took a dive!

Oh, Primate Colm has another crack.

Oh, and then feels another crack.

IMITATING GORILLA: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oops!

Very funny, Amanda, yes. Not Small Paul's running. Oh!

Oh, no, Paul!

Paul's succeeded in leaping the sweeper,

but failed to land his tall frame on Crash Mountain.

Bone-Dry Becky is taking a more cautious approach.

Oh, oh! And that's her first

soaking of the day.

Flat jockey Rider Rach has mounted the bridge now.

She's up and running.

-And she's across!

-Yes!

Very clever run. Rach befriends her enemy

here by using the sweeper to climb on to the peak of Crash Mountain.

Great initiative.

So three across now and only two places left.

SnailMan Tony, Muhammad Ali, Bone-Dry Becky,

La Troya Jackson, Ball Kick Nic, Not Small Paul,

My-Mate Primate Colm,

Oxford Laura and Taxing Claire all still battling it out.

Claire suddenly bursts into action and fails. Oxford Laura, now.

Oh, tantalisingly close!

Oh, Laura!

Nic now.

They're throwing themselves at it out there!

Colm's back for thirds.

And he's hanging on.

He's up, he's up...

and he's down again.

Colm may have beaten the Balls,

but he just can't conquer Crash Mountain.

Not Small Paul. Oh, he's bottled it,

but Muhammad doesn't and he's done it. He's the fourth man standing.

Muhammad Ali floated like a butterfly across the bridge,

then jumped like a frog onto the centre.

One spot left now.

Troy wants it and Troy gets it!

The final five have been selected.

Becky, having a late go there,

either that's just for fun or she can't count up to five.

Well, it's goodbye time again.

I'll won't say I'm sending those seven packing.

I prefer to see it as setting them free.

Setting them free in the economy cabin of a no-frills aircraft,

where there's no food, only one toilet

and the only film they show is Mr Bean's Holiday, again.

I was touching the mountain. I was actually touching the mountain,

but it just slipped between my fingers.

I had enough attempts, just didn't get it right.

It was tough out there.

That was absolutely fantastic. It was over so quickly.

I've one attempt at it and I didn't make it,

but that was brilliant. I want to do it again.

I'm very disappointed. It was a lot harder than it looks, a lot harder.

I tried my best. I just didn't seem to stay on for some reason!

I'm definitely leaving the competition with my head held high.

I was so close,

but so far away in the end.

They're so competitive, but I'd love Muhammad to go down!

He's so cocky, he needs to be taken down a peg or two.

Ooh! Isn't it sad that those guys had to go?

Actually, no, it isn't.

It's just survival of the fittest.

That's Charles Dickens's theory of evolution.

Those losers didn't evolve fast enough to deal with

standing on poles, so they became extinct, like dodos or unicorns.

Back to our five surviving mammals, who will now face

the head-spinning, stomach-churning, vomit-inducing thrills

of Dizzy Dummies.

It might be in the drizzle, but Dizzy Dummies still works the same.

Contestants get spun in the spinner,

but with that rain it's more like a washing machine. Dazed, confused

and wet, they have to climb over the spinning goalposts.

Then it's the Wall Squeeze, where they'll find themselves in a tight spot.

It's a case of posting themselves through some odd-shaped holes.

Then there's the Barrel Bridge, so named

because it's a bridge made of barrels.

And it all ends with a leap onto the finish podium.

The game is run twice. Each time one contestant gets eliminated,

which will eventually leave the three competitors facing the Wipeout Zone. Over to you, Amanda.

Five contestants with strength, speed and balance.

All that's irrelevant now as they're about to take on Dizzy Dummies.

Are you all ready?

ALL: No!

No means yes. Three,

two, one!

So, as the contestants lose their bearings, and their loose change,

let's have a reminder of who's spinning in the rain. First of all there's him.

It's the King Of Pop, La Troya Jackson.

And there's him, the legendary Muhammad Ali.

He it's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am. Whoa!

Next to him it's her, the princess of the paddock, Rider Rach.

Then there's this bloke...

..golfing guru, Phil The Bogeyman.

Finally, there's this guy, the Baron Of Blue Rinse, the Prince Of Perms,

the Guy with the Weird Dance.

It's Ed Scissorhands, the hairdresser.

OK, they're off.

Ed's first out of the trap, and first to the floor.

Now they're all at it. The rain is making it slippier than usual,

which is good for you and me. Oops!

Troy makes a break for it. He's first through the goalposts.

On to the Wall Squeeze for him.

La Troya Jackson making history now as the first man

to be squished through a recycled mangle on TV.

-Come on, Troy!

-The others aren't even close.

-Peekaboo!

Just one jump left and he's done it.

-He has done it!

-Whoo!

His shorts have got twisted, that's probably why he's adjusting them.

Brilliant speedy performance from La Troya Jackson.

In a matter of seconds he is through to the next round.

But who will be joining him?

Phil and Ed are sharing a moment in the first wall.

Phil makes a break for it. Ed's not far behind,

but seems to be stuck in the hole.

They do say telly does add 10 pounds.

And Phil The Bogeyman jumps to safety. He is the second man across.

Ed's finally made it through the hole.

Muhammad now hot on his heels, but Ed is through.

Only one place left now.

Rach making a late run for it, but Muhammad one step ahead.

Rach looking determined.

Muhammad is slowing down.

This is going to be very close.

Rach is closing in,

but there's just too much ground to cover, and Muhammad is in.

-Oh, Rach!

-And Rider Rach is out.

The going was too wet for her and she's not best pleased.

The bookies are happy, though.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

That was just so slippy. I just couldn't get my balance on it.

You should be proud to get this far. Well, done. Hard luck

-for not getting through.

-Yeah, never mind.

So it's goodbye to Rider Rach, who was the last girl in the game,

which means it's a 100% manly affair from here on in.

Feel the burn!

1,001! Yeah.

1,002.

So the Dizzy Dummies starts up again

and, before you worry, I can assure you those seat belts are very tight.

Shame the same can't be said for the garden twine that holds it all together.

Only joking - there's nothing holding it together!

OK, it's stopping and they're off on their final run.

Ed does a little wobble.

It might have been a dance.

But Troy just storms ahead again.

-He jumps...well, falls straight through the goalposts.

-Whoo-hoo!

Troy goes for a spin, but quickly gets back to his feet.

He's first onto the Barrel Bridge now

and with all the rain, those things will be very, very slippery.

Ed Scissorhands closing the gap.

Here comes Phil.

Oh, Phil's in. And Ed, too.

Troy manages to keep his grip when all around him are losing theirs.

He's almost there.

And he's done it again. Troy is the first man through to the Wipeout Zone final.

Who will be joining him?

Well, not Muhammad right now.

-Oh, Muhammad! Took it in the face.

-Yeah.

The legendary Muhammad Ali seems to have a glass chin.

Now he needs to float like a butterfly back to the start of the course.

So it's between Ed Scissorhands and Phil The Bogeyman.

Phil's trying to walk it, good luck with that.

Oh, he's off!

Ed's turn... Ow!

..to do the same. All three men left to swim back to the beginning.

This will tire them out.

Muhammad's first back up onto the barrels.

This time he's taking it slow. Remember, it's not a race.

No, wait, it is! It IS a race. Hurry up!

He's made it onto the penultimate barrel

and the others are closing in now.

Ooh, he's there!

That's two down. One more to go. It's between Ed and Phil.

And this is close.

In the blink of an eye Ed Scissorhands takes a leap into the final.

Let's see that again.

So close! A slip up by Phil right at the end enabled Ed Scissorhands

to join Muhammad Ali and La Troya Jackson in the Wipeout Zone,

leaving Phil The Bogeyman out in the rain.

-That was so unbelievably close.

-That was great fun. Really good fun.

Is there not a little teeny, tiny part of you that's just thinking doh!

-It's time to go home, I'm just pleased for those three guys.

-Doh!

Doh!

Thank you very much.

-Doh!

-Cheers.

So, Phil The Bogeyman joins Rider Rach

on the long, sad, disappointing journey home,

plus their plane's been delayed.

I say plane, it's an Argentinean cattle ship.

I say delayed, I mean sunk.

So, a clash of the titans awaits.

That's if you can call a regional hospital manager, a warehouse operator and a hairdresser "titans".

Time for a reminder of what makes these guys heroes.

The Wipeout Zone is designed for people like myself. It's exciting,

it's difficult and it's very testing.

I've put myself through so much since I've been here

and I am severely shocked at how well I've done to get this far.

I'm very confident, but not overly confident.

I just want to get in there, show them how it's done, bring home the cash. Eee hee!

I think it's going to be very close tonight.

A Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali final,

with maybe Ricky Hatton, me and Ed!

I've got the fastest time in The Qualifier from the three left,

so I'd like to hope that will help me and spur me on.

I'm going to do some moonwalk, I'm going to do some hee-eee!

And I'm going to win it.

I truly believe I've got a self belief and a self conviction to be the champion tonight.

Muhammad talks the talk, let's see if he can finally walk the walk.

Muhammad Ali, I'm just going to knock him right out.

King Of Pop Michael Jackson, King of Total Wipeout Troy Stewart.

Eee-hee, bring it on!

It's definitely time to prove that hairdressers are real tough guys.

Beauty is much better than brains!

It's going to be a knockout.

What film's that music from?

No, don't tell me, it'll come to me later.

Yeah, anyway, the suspense is really building now.

Muhammad, Troy and Ed are within touching distance of the title

and the £10,000 prize.

The atmosphere couldn't be any more tense than it is right at this moment...

Rocky! It's from Rocky, isn't it? Yeah, where was I?

Oh, yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Wipeout Zone!

These are the challenges which await the final three in tonight's Wipeout Zone.

Killer Surf, slidey.

Rapid Climb, slippy.

Balance Beam, skinny.

Crazy Sweeper, sweepy.

Tarzan Swing, swingy.

And, finally, the Turntable...

Oh, I've run out of S words.

No, wait, spinny!

The person with the fastest time wins the title and the 10 grand prize, simply!

So, there are three contestants, there's a Wipeout Zone, there's a podium.

There's a camera, there's a cameraman and this is a stool,

but enough of this in-depth behind-the-scenes information, I'll save that for the DVD.

For the final time today let's go over to Amanda who now is looking a little bit drier. Shame.

It's the Wipeout Zone and what a line-up we have.

A man who thinks he's Michael Jackson,

a man who knows he's Muhammad Ali and Ed the hairdresser.

And the first to run is Ed the hairdresser.

Ed approaches the Killer Surf with a crash helmet to prevent split ends.

He's off! He's in!

OK, first of all Ed must swim to the Rapid Climb,

then he'll have just 10 seconds to get up it

before a tidal wave is unleashed.

Quick progress so far.

Still climbing and...

yes, he's beaten the tidal wave!

On to the Balance Beam now. Ed steps out tentatively.

Gently does it.

A little wobble... and he's over.

Well, nothing has stopped Ed so far,

but now it's crazy sweeper time.

What will his strategy be?

He pauses, then just runs for it. Hurry up, Ed!

That sweeper is catching up.

Move it! Oh!

-Oh, incredible!

-Yes!

Ed's run is as flawless as his hair.

He prepares for the Tarzan Swing now.

-There he goes. Oh!

-Oh!

-Oh, he's in the water.

That was...

That was Ed's first mistake.

A quick recovery and he can still set a difficult time to beat.

Up the Turntable now for Ed.

-Strength ebbing fast.

-Come on, Ed!

That's got to hurt now. Tired.

Just one leap left.

And he's there, Ed Scissorhands completes

the Wipeout Zone, and in a superb time of 1 minute 40 seconds.

That was an almost perfect run from Ed.

Just the one mistake on the Tarzan Swing.

I thought he would have made a good Tarzan, he's certainly got the hair for it.

Ed, darling, come on out, my dear.

So, how was that for you?

-Oh, my God, it was fabulous!

-You were pretty quick tonight.

-Oh, thank you. I hope so. It feels like I'm on there forever when you're doing that.

-Really?

Does 1 minute and 40 seconds feel like forever to you?

Oh, my God! That's wicked!

I know you were slightly surprised to get here tonight,

but that was a brilliant time and that means yours is the time to beat.

Brilliant. OK. Well, hopefully I've done enough.

Let's have a look, because Muhammad's up next.

Forget the Thriller In Manila, it's time for Muhammad Ali to face the Scaries in Buenos Aires.

Made that up just then!

Clean landing for Muhammad and he swims to the Rapid Climb.

Will he be able to match Ed's speed up the ramp

and avoid that fearsome tidal wave?

The clock starts as soon as he gets on the ramp.

Here he goes.

Muhammad hauls himself up

and the 10 second wave countdown starts...

now.

Oh, that slip won't help.

Hurry up, Muhammad, time is running out.

Three, two, one...

no!

Here comes the tidal wave.

Muhammad has to cling on for dear life

until this wave passes, and this is costing him a lot of time.

OK, he's back on his feet now,

but can't afford to make any more mistakes.

He can still set a good time.

Cautiously onto the Balance Beam

using the wall for support.

Slowly does it.

But he's making his way across.

He's done it. That's the Balance Beam cleared.

Ali versus the Crazy Sweeper now.

Off he goes. He ducks under the sweeper arm.

And then just goes for it.

Come on, Muhammad!

It's chasing you. He's done it!

But he's already missed the cut-off on Ed's time.

He doesn't know that, though,

and neither does Ed.

Tarzan Swing now.

-And, oh, he's nailed it!

-Oh, my God. Oh, no!

Muhammad might not have won,

but he's certainly given Ed a scare.

And Muhammad finishes in 2 minutes 4 seconds,

which is good, but just not good enough today.

The legendary Muhammad Ali was fighting a losing battle from the Rapid Climb onwards.

I never expected Ali to get beaten by a hairdresser.

Time for Amanda now to tell Muhammad how he's done.

-How are you doing, darling?

-I'm doing good,

-I'm doing good.

-Well, there was a lot of floating like butterflies and stinging some things out there.

-Yeah.

I give it my best shot, and may the best man win.

We've been wondering if you're going to be champion, like your namesake.

Muhammad Ali, I'm afraid not, because Ed was faster than you.

-Hard luck, man. You'll have to go join the others.

-Congratulations.

But, Ed, you know what this means. Yours is now the time to beat.

Troy is a fantastic contestant. How do you feel about that?

Really, really nervous, but...you never know.

Here comes the final chapter.

Troy has 1 minute 40 to beat.

Just Beat It, you see?

Oh, yeah, keep 'em coming!

Oh, no, he's flipped.

Somersault!

Troy has to make his way to the Rapid Climb now.

Takes his time.

No, get down!

But he's up now.

The countdown to the tidal wave starts here.

-Troy is just storming up there.

-No, no, no!

Ed's looking worried, and quite rightly so.

It's neck and neck as Troy tackles the Balance Beam.

He's on, doing well so far.

-No, no, no!

-He's cleared it.

There's nothing in it.

Timing absolutely crucial now,

no margin for error.

Troy just waiting for the right moment.

Oh! That clearly wasn't it.

Troy lost his balance

and the Crazy Sweeper just finished him off.

And as the clock ticks away,

Tory has lost the game. Oh!

And now he's well and truly lost it.

One last push onto the Tarzan Swing for Troy now.

Come on, Troy!

You changed your tune!

Brilliant swing from Troy. That's how it's done.

But what happened there?

Oh, no!

Final jump now.

And he's home in 2 minutes 45.

Again, a good time, but not today.

A moment of reflection there.

Troy made a brilliant start, but a moment of madness on the Crazy Sweeper cost him the title.

Time for Amanda to reveal tonight's winner.

-How are you doing?

-Good. Enjoyed it very much.

-You started particularly well.

-What happened on the Sweeper?

-I just slipped.

-I just slipped.

-Oh, well, listen, Troy, you've been a fantastic contestant.

I can tell you right now, Ed, you wanted to be the little guy to beat the two big guys

and you've done it! You are the Total Wipeout champion!

Well, done! Hard luck, Troy.

What a superb performance from Ed Scissorhands.

-No, no!

-Yeah!

Don't worry about him getting wet, I'm sure he packed his hairdryer!

So, Essex hairdresser Ed Taylor is tonight's winner.

Not only does he receive that trophy and £10,000,

he also gets a great anecdote to tell his clients about what he did on his holidays.

And if that wasn't enough, Ed will now go forth and be reunited in battle with Troy and Muhammad.

All three have earned their place in this series' grand finale. It's coming.

That looks brilliant, but in the meantime it's business as usual.

Same channel, same time,

or different channel, different time.

I don't know, this might be a repeat.

From Amanda and me, goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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