Episode 5 Total Wipeout


Episode 5

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 5. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Buenos Aires, Argentina.

0:00:020:00:04

Ooh, they've got horses!

0:00:040:00:05

A gaggle of fearless Brits, including a truck driver, a food technologist and a puppeteer,

0:00:070:00:12

have come to defeat the greatest obstacle course this district of Buenos Aires has ever seen.

0:00:120:00:17

They'll all succeed, but only if they were planning on losing spectacularly.

0:00:190:00:23

One will be crowned Total Wipeout champion and walk away with £10,000.

0:00:230:00:28

Let the games begin.

0:00:280:00:30

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

0:00:340:00:36

Tonight, I'll be answering the big questions of our age -

0:00:360:00:39

such as, when is that guy going to fall off that thing?

0:00:390:00:43

Do you think that hurt?

0:00:430:00:45

And when is that girl going to fall off that other thing?

0:00:450:00:48

Heavy stuff.

0:00:480:00:50

Today's bandage-free competitors will try to defeat the Total Wipeout course.

0:00:500:00:54

If they're lucky, they'll remain bandage-free,

0:00:540:00:57

and if they're even more lucky, win the Total Wipeout Trophy.

0:00:570:01:00

Let's see what they'll be falling off today.

0:01:000:01:02

The Qualifier. No pain, no gain.

0:01:020:01:06

Crash Mountain. Some pain, some gain.

0:01:060:01:10

Dizzy Dummies. Much pain, a little gain.

0:01:100:01:14

And the grand finale, the Wipeout Zone. Just...pain.

0:01:140:01:19

We've got our contestants, we've got our course.

0:01:190:01:23

I've got a cup of tea and I've got a custard cream.

0:01:230:01:27

So nobody is getting fired today.

0:01:270:01:28

At ease, everyone.

0:01:280:01:30

Let's go live to Amanda Byram who is at the top of the course in Argentina.

0:01:300:01:33

I'm joined at the top of the Qualifier by Pip from Wiltshire.

0:01:390:01:42

Pip, how determined are you to win today?

0:01:420:01:44

I'm very determined.

0:01:440:01:46

Just because you're blonde and pretty, you don't have to be a bimbo.

0:01:460:01:49

You can have a brain and you can win Wipeout.

0:01:490:01:52

-Yes!

-Yes.

0:01:520:01:53

-Yes.

-This is Total Wipeout, and I'm Pip.

0:01:530:01:56

Come on, let's rip!

0:01:560:01:59

Oh... Oh, dear. She didn't wait for the klaxon.

0:02:010:02:04

-OFFICIAL:

-You have to wait for the klaxon.

-It's not started yet.

0:02:040:02:08

Pip there, doing a great job,

0:02:080:02:09

proving that not all blondes are bimbos. Just some.

0:02:090:02:13

Let's wait for the klaxon this time.

0:02:130:02:15

-KLAXON

-There you go.

0:02:150:02:16

Off she goes...

0:02:170:02:19

Now, which new obstacle awaits this 24-year-old accounts assistant

0:02:190:02:23

from Wiltshire?

0:02:230:02:25

One narrow beam, six heavy swinging bags... It's the Heavy Bag Beam.

0:02:260:02:31

Lucky Pip is the first to test it out. Come on Pip, let's rip.

0:02:330:02:37

This can only go well. Come on.

0:02:380:02:40

Ohhh!

0:02:420:02:44

Poor Pip has taken an early dip.

0:02:450:02:48

This one might be dangerous.

0:02:500:02:52

She'll need to climb up the stairs to the second set of bags.

0:02:520:02:55

Can she? Oh - no. No, she can't.

0:02:550:02:58

From something new to something old. It's the Sucker Punch.

0:03:000:03:04

Now, Pip has a dog called Chuck Norris, so will this

0:03:040:03:08

make her tough enough to beat the leanest, hardest

0:03:080:03:11

pneumatic punching wall on the planet?

0:03:110:03:13

No. No, it won't.

0:03:140:03:16

Oh, dear. Down on the first punch.

0:03:180:03:21

Yep, you've guessed it - it's Big Ball time.

0:03:230:03:26

If Pip is feeling tired by this point,

0:03:260:03:28

she'll probably be helped by a little motivation.

0:03:280:03:31

That's right. If Pip dithers for too long at the top of the Big Balls,

0:03:310:03:35

she'll be subtly prompted by this.

0:03:350:03:38

The Motivator.

0:03:400:03:42

Come on, Pip, stay focused.

0:03:420:03:44

Come on, the one thing you don't want to do is lose.

0:03:440:03:47

Every ounce of composure.

0:03:470:03:49

Like that.

0:03:510:03:53

That was the best panic I've ever seen!

0:03:540:03:57

Perfect example of a total sensory meltdown.

0:03:570:04:01

It's very effective, it does chivvy them.

0:04:060:04:09

The clock still ticking as Pip makes her way to today's final obstacle.

0:04:100:04:15

It's the elegant and graceful...

0:04:150:04:18

Monkey Swing.

0:04:180:04:19

Pip just needs to cross these six red swings

0:04:230:04:26

to the finish podium, where the clock will stop.

0:04:260:04:28

I want my mummy.

0:04:310:04:32

I want another custard cream, but you can't have everything.

0:04:320:04:35

Come on, Pip. Here we go.

0:04:350:04:37

Ooh...

0:04:370:04:38

Oh, she's slipped.

0:04:380:04:40

Oh, no...

0:04:420:04:44

So, Pip falls at the last hurdle, meaning she has

0:04:450:04:48

to swim to the finish podium, and she's opted for backstroke.

0:04:480:04:51

Not often you get that one.

0:04:510:04:53

So it's a quick climb, and Pip sets the time to beat.

0:04:530:04:57

3:41. Not a great time, but on a brighter note,

0:04:570:05:01

two seconds faster than the world record for running a mile(!)

0:05:010:05:05

A little bit put off by the Motivator.

0:05:050:05:07

I heard it go and I was, "Oh, my God, I have to go!" And just went.

0:05:070:05:10

How do you feel? How do you think it was?

0:05:100:05:13

I tell you what, people watching at home have absolutely no idea.

0:05:130:05:16

Neither has this man. This is Johnny. Don't worry, he's not hyperventilating, he's dancing.

0:05:160:05:21

Move the hips... Nobody puts Byram in the corner.

0:05:210:05:25

Move the hips, girlie. Now, we need to add a lift.

0:05:250:05:27

This isn't for the people at home, because you might fall over and hurt yourself.

0:05:270:05:33

I'm going to Bhangra-dance my way around this course!

0:05:360:05:39

Bhangra-dancing Johnny is a 28-year-old solicitor from London.

0:05:390:05:43

Apparently his children didn't know he was going to be on the show,

0:05:430:05:47

so, kids - surprise!

0:05:470:05:50

Oh - that WAS a surprise.

0:05:500:05:52

Time for the Sucker Punch. Bhangra Johnny can make up some time here.

0:05:530:05:56

He seems to have taken a bit of a tumble.

0:05:580:06:01

That's not technically an obstacle there...

0:06:010:06:04

..that's just the way you GET to the obstacle.

0:06:060:06:09

This is 18-year-old Rhea, an arts student from Huddersfield.

0:06:090:06:14

Aren't art students a little bit dainty and painty?

0:06:140:06:18

Do you think you're tough enough?

0:06:180:06:20

No. Art students are up for anything.

0:06:200:06:24

I'm going to visualise everything.

0:06:240:06:26

Especially on the big red balls.

0:06:270:06:29

I don't want to get muddy either.

0:06:300:06:32

Oh, she's got muddy. I'll call her Muddy Rhea.

0:06:340:06:37

Probably doesn't want to get wet either.

0:06:370:06:39

Yeah, she's got wet.

0:06:420:06:45

On the bright side, at least she's not muddy any more.

0:06:450:06:48

'Whoopsadaisy!'

0:06:480:06:50

Just the Monkey Swings to go.

0:06:500:06:53

Muddy Rhea taking her first tentative steps...

0:06:530:06:56

And her first tentative slip.

0:06:560:06:59

And her first tentative belly flop.

0:07:000:07:03

That wasn't ideal.

0:07:030:07:05

In fact, you could say that was "dire, Rhea".

0:07:050:07:07

I said "diarrhoea" on the telly!

0:07:070:07:11

'Whoopsadaisy!'

0:07:110:07:12

Despite that, she's the quickest so far with a surprisingly fast 2:28.

0:07:120:07:17

Woooo!

0:07:170:07:19

Prepare for that time to be smashed.

0:07:200:07:23

This is Dave.

0:07:230:07:25

He may not look like an athlete,

0:07:250:07:27

but don't be deceived -

0:07:270:07:29

Dave is a fighting machine, a master of combat, a world champion.

0:07:290:07:35

I was world champion in fleaweight robotic combat, which is tiny little fighting robots.

0:07:350:07:41

Wow...

0:07:430:07:44

Initiate assault course mode, and activate!

0:07:440:07:47

So, can this remote-controlled robot fanatic show us what he's made of?

0:07:510:07:55

Come on, Remote-Controlled Dave.

0:07:550:07:57

I've got a good feeling about this one actually.

0:07:570:08:02

If he can just get on to that pontoon...

0:08:020:08:05

You haven't started really yet, Dave.

0:08:050:08:07

The clock has, but you've gone nowhere.

0:08:070:08:10

Just get up there, onto the pontoon, and get going.

0:08:110:08:15

I'll come back to Remote-Controlled Dave later.

0:08:170:08:19

I'm joined now by the lovely Wu from Surrey, a software developer.

0:08:190:08:24

Are you excited to be here, Wu?

0:08:240:08:25

Yeah, very excited. Wu-wu-wu!

0:08:250:08:28

-Wu-hoo!

-Wu!

0:08:280:08:31

-Wu-hoo!

-Wu-hoo!

0:08:310:08:34

Woo Hoo Wu thinks the key to the course is balance and luck.

0:08:430:08:48

So let's see how he does.

0:08:480:08:49

There's that balance...

0:08:510:08:53

And now for the luck.

0:08:550:08:57

Oh! That was unlucky.

0:08:590:09:02

Yeah, it was.

0:09:020:09:03

Good demonstration of balance, just got hit by a massive, heavy bag.

0:09:030:09:09

Let's see if Woo Hoo Wu's luck improves on the Sucker Punch.

0:09:090:09:12

This could be his obstacle. Come on...

0:09:120:09:15

MUSIC: "Woo Hoo" by The 5.6.7.8's

0:09:150:09:17

Looking good so far.

0:09:180:09:20

Oh. That is bad luck.

0:09:200:09:23

Definitely had the balance. He just got hit by a massive, heavy fist.

0:09:230:09:26

Wu-hoo!

0:09:260:09:27

Yeah, it's the luck thing.

0:09:270:09:29

Now, if anyone has the credentials

0:09:310:09:32

to beat a wall full of ill-tempered boxing gloves,

0:09:320:09:35

it's 43-year-old prison fitness officer Jules.

0:09:350:09:38

Oh...

0:09:400:09:41

Oh! She's holding on.

0:09:430:09:46

Oh... No. That's gone wrong.

0:09:460:09:48

Valiant effort.

0:09:480:09:50

Nearly made it across. Fell off.

0:09:500:09:52

The Big Balls now. Jules would like to visit

0:09:540:09:55

all seven wonders of the world, so Jules, here's four of them.

0:09:550:10:00

Technically speaking, she's only actually visited two of them there.

0:10:020:10:06

Back to Remote-Controlled Dave. They've had to send Eduardo in.

0:10:060:10:09

Perhaps Amanda will help with a few encouraging words for him.

0:10:110:10:14

No, of course she won't. Why would she do that?

0:10:160:10:18

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Alfie from the Wirral.

0:10:220:10:26

So, Alfie, what is it that you do for a living?

0:10:260:10:28

I'm in a Take That tribute band.

0:10:280:10:30

-Really? Who are you?

-I am the mighty Robbie Williams.

0:10:300:10:34

Really?

0:10:340:10:36

So, Alfie is getting into the zone.

0:10:380:10:40

He's focusing, relaxing his mind...

0:10:400:10:42

-CREAKING

-That's a bit too relaxed.

0:10:420:10:45

Let me entertain you!

0:10:450:10:47

I think you already have, Alfie.

0:10:470:10:49

So, a rock'n'roll start from the Robbie Williams impersonator.

0:10:500:10:54

A little bit too excited...

0:10:540:10:57

And the shock news is he's currently beating Remote-Controlled Dave -

0:10:570:11:00

I know, I can't believe it either.

0:11:000:11:02

Sprints across the pontoons.

0:11:020:11:04

And...sort of canters around the corner.

0:11:040:11:07

Time to shine.

0:11:070:11:10

Ooh!

0:11:110:11:13

That was really very entertaining. Thank you.

0:11:130:11:16

Not really seeing the Robbie Williams thing myself

0:11:160:11:19

but let's see how Alfie gets on with the Sucker Punch.

0:11:190:11:22

Actually, when his face is squashed like that,

0:11:240:11:27

there's something about him maybe Robbie Williams-ish.

0:11:270:11:31

Big Ball time. Will Alfie entertain us?

0:11:320:11:35

I've got a feeling the answer might be yes.

0:11:350:11:38

Woooargh!

0:11:380:11:39

Whatever. Come on.

0:11:390:11:40

-Come on, Alfie.

-Yes...

0:11:400:11:42

Come on, Alfie...

0:11:420:11:43

Ooh, yes. That was spectacular.

0:11:450:11:48

It started off well,

0:11:480:11:50

but a rather quick downward spiral.

0:11:500:11:53

Less like Robbie Williams, more like...Chesney Hawkes.

0:11:530:11:57

Come on, Alfie, that's the way. Deep breaths. That's it.

0:11:580:12:02

Deep breaths.

0:12:020:12:04

Let's take this opportunity

0:12:040:12:06

to remind ourselves of Alfie's uncanny resemblance to Robbie.

0:12:060:12:11

Not really getting it myself.

0:12:110:12:12

Maybe he just sounds a lot like him.

0:12:120:12:15

# We've said goodbye, the taxicab is waiting

0:12:150:12:19

# Now don't you cry, just one more kiss and... #

0:12:190:12:23

Let's move on. Alfie is at the final obstacle, the Monkey Swing.

0:12:230:12:27

It looks easy, but it's not. Come on, Alfie, don't give...

0:12:270:12:31

He gave up.

0:12:310:12:32

Despite that spectacular display of spinelessness, Alfie makes it

0:12:330:12:37

through the course in the middling-to-average time of 2:59.

0:12:370:12:40

But will that be enough to see him into the next round?

0:12:400:12:44

Six have gone but only the 12 fastest will qualify.

0:12:440:12:46

Let's take a first look at the leaderboard.

0:12:500:12:53

Muddy Rhea is currently at the top with Woo Hoo Wu

0:12:530:12:56

and Take That Alfie in second and third.

0:12:560:12:58

Bhangra Johnny and Jailhouse Jules, fourth and fifth.

0:13:000:13:04

False Start Pip is last.

0:13:040:13:06

So, I'm joined at the top of the Qualifier by Catherine,

0:13:070:13:11

a puppeteer from Surrey, and SHE'S joined by Mab, a 317-year-old witch.

0:13:110:13:18

Oh, brilliant, a ventriloquist on Total Wipeout. I love ventriloquists.

0:13:180:13:22

Keith Harris and Orville, Rod Hull and Emu, Ant and Dec... No, hang on.

0:13:220:13:27

I've just been told, they weren't all ventriloquists. Emu never spoke.

0:13:270:13:32

-Amanda...

-Yes?

0:13:330:13:35

Are you naughty or are you nice?

0:13:350:13:37

Depends on who you're asking.

0:13:390:13:40

If you're naughty, I'll put you in a cage and if you're nice, in a pie!

0:13:400:13:46

She's rubbish, I saw her mouth move. I did.

0:13:460:13:49

My name is Catherine V Rock, and the V stands for victory!

0:13:490:13:53

It doesn't, it stands for Victoria according to my notes here.

0:13:530:13:56

Yeah, definitely Victoria.

0:13:560:13:59

Heavy Bag Beam now.

0:13:590:14:01

# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight... #

0:14:020:14:05

Ooh!

0:14:050:14:07

Definitely saw her mouth move again.

0:14:090:14:11

Right, Sucker Punch now.

0:14:130:14:14

What's going to happen here, Little Richard Hammond?

0:14:140:14:18

-WITH CLENCHED TEETH:

-"I think she'll get punched in her eyes...

0:14:180:14:21

"Yes. Definitely."

0:14:210:14:24

'That's the way to do it!'

0:14:260:14:27

Back to Remote-Controlled Dave, and he's finally at the Sucker Punch.

0:14:290:14:33

-Ooh, he's egging it on.

-He is. Yeah.

0:14:350:14:37

He's taking a bit of a beating here.

0:14:390:14:41

But he's sticking to that wall.

0:14:410:14:43

He's so tough.

0:14:430:14:45

Is there nothing that can defeat this remote-controlled legend?

0:14:450:14:48

He is, I think, invincible.

0:14:500:14:52

Oh... Yeah. Ah.

0:14:520:14:55

Takes a real pasting, a good one to the face and is in the mud.

0:14:570:15:01

Oh, dear.

0:15:010:15:03

Uh-oh, another tiny rope to go up and another pontoon to climb onto.

0:15:040:15:09

He could be in big trouble here.

0:15:090:15:11

Come on, Dave. Memories of your last battle

0:15:110:15:14

resonating around his muddy head.

0:15:140:15:15

-I can't get up.

-Yes, you can.

0:15:150:15:17

Yes, you can. (Actually I don't think he can.)

0:15:170:15:20

-You can do it...

-I'm not sure he can.

0:15:200:15:24

Come on, Remote-Controlled Dave.

0:15:240:15:26

Do it for all the techies, for robot fans everywhere...

0:15:260:15:29

Don't give up.

0:15:290:15:31

Oh, he's given up.

0:15:310:15:33

He has.

0:15:330:15:34

METALLIC CLUNKING

0:15:340:15:36

Wow! Come on.

0:15:360:15:39

-This is...

-Well done!

0:15:400:15:41

-We these moving moments on Total Wipeout. I'm choked.

-Come on, Dave!

0:15:410:15:46

With Remote-Controlled Dave back on full power,

0:15:460:15:49

surely he can beat the Big Balls.

0:15:490:15:50

Yes!

0:15:510:15:52

Um... Whoa...

0:15:540:15:56

No! No, not even remotely.

0:15:570:16:00

And I think...his head's come off.

0:16:000:16:02

His head has come off.

0:16:020:16:05

That's going to be...

0:16:050:16:06

Somebody look...!

0:16:060:16:08

Oh, no, there it is. That's a relief,

0:16:090:16:12

there would have been a lot of forms.

0:16:120:16:14

You have to admire his stamina.

0:16:140:16:16

He's not given up, when many men would have.

0:16:160:16:20

Just the Monkey Swing to go.

0:16:200:16:22

Come on, Dave, you can do it.

0:16:220:16:23

On the first one. I want him to complete this...

0:16:230:16:26

Come on! This is...

0:16:260:16:30

Come on, you're building the tension.

0:16:300:16:34

No...

0:16:340:16:35

I mean - there are no points at all for determination,

0:16:360:16:39

but if there were, he'd have some.

0:16:390:16:42

Remote-Controlled Dave finishes with a time of 6:28.

0:16:440:16:47

Dave, I salute you.

0:16:470:16:48

And now, in order to reduce your carbon footprint,

0:16:480:16:51

it's time for you to power down.

0:16:510:16:53

-CLUNKING AND BEEPING

-There you go.

0:16:530:16:55

This is Derrick.

0:16:560:16:58

-He runs a fleet of trucks.

-I'm the daddy!

0:16:580:17:01

And this is his lovely, sweet daughter, Chyna-Rose.

0:17:010:17:05

So, Chyna-Rose, what is it that you do for a living?

0:17:060:17:09

I'm a truck driver.

0:17:090:17:11

Are you going to give Daddy the respect he deserves out there and let him win?

0:17:110:17:15

-Yes.

-Shall I show you respect?

0:17:150:17:17

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

0:17:180:17:19

That's as much respect as he's going to get.

0:17:190:17:21

Wow! Truckers. I love truckers.

0:17:210:17:24

I love trucks. Finally...

0:17:240:17:26

-ECHOING VOICE ON RADIO:

-..I can use this.

0:17:260:17:28

Ooh. It works.

0:17:280:17:30

Brilliant! Over.

0:17:300:17:32

I'm the daddy! The number one daddy!

0:17:330:17:36

So, it's a father/daughter trucker face-off...

0:17:360:17:39

Truckers and lovers - Total Wipeout!

0:17:390:17:43

Sorry, I forgot to say "over" then.

0:17:430:17:45

MUSIC: "Convoy" by CW McCall

0:17:490:17:51

OK, these two might have HGV licences -

0:17:530:17:55

clearly they spend more time in the cab than actually walking about.

0:17:550:18:00

..Over.

0:18:000:18:02

Oh - Long Distance Chyna has jackknifed on a heavy bag.

0:18:150:18:19

Clear advantage now to Who's The Derrick. Over.

0:18:200:18:24

-Who's the daddy, Derrick?

-I'm the daddy!

0:18:290:18:31

Chyna-Rose needs to put the hammer down and make up some time.

0:18:320:18:35

Yeah, she just got hammered. Over.

0:18:370:18:40

Right, Big Ball time.

0:18:410:18:42

Derrick's just gone under. Over.

0:18:430:18:46

They're both neck and neck. This is going to be close. Over.

0:18:550:18:59

Looks like Long Distance Chyna's got snarled up on the Monkey Swing.

0:19:080:19:12

It's actually quite hard doing this voice. Over.

0:19:200:19:23

Has anyone got a throat lozenge?

0:19:230:19:25

Long Distance Chyna crawls to the top with a time of 3:55.

0:19:300:19:34

But Who's The Derrick smashes home with a time of 2:44.

0:19:360:19:42

That's a big ten-four.

0:19:420:19:44

Here's Danny. He works as cabin crew for a low-cost airline.

0:19:470:19:51

Not sure he needed his work uniform.

0:19:510:19:53

Air stewards are well trained at keeping their balance

0:19:530:19:56

in situations of extreme turbulence and this is looking good, very good.

0:19:560:20:00

Nice one, Danny.

0:20:000:20:02

Now to face 22 angry passengers.

0:20:040:20:06

Will Danny's extensive training in conflict resolution be able to...

0:20:060:20:10

No, it hasn't helped at all.

0:20:100:20:12

Just flicked him off the wall and into the mud. Now, Danny may be used

0:20:130:20:17

to making hot drinks and selling overpriced perfume -

0:20:170:20:21

let's find out if he can actually fly.

0:20:210:20:23

Come on! Come on!

0:20:230:20:24

Ooh... That's not good.

0:20:260:20:29

No.

0:20:290:20:30

An amazing aerobatic display there.

0:20:330:20:36

Unfortunately, Danny injured his shoulder on the balls.

0:20:360:20:39

He didn't complete the Qualifier - but with that extraordinary leap, he did achieve something else.

0:20:390:20:45

It's time for this week's extraordinary positions.

0:20:450:20:48

In at four, it's the high knees and short shorts of Who's The Derrick.

0:20:480:20:53

At three, it's Take That Alfie.

0:20:530:20:54

Not moving at two, it's Remote- Controlled Dave in shutdown mode.

0:20:560:21:01

And flying in at number one, it's Did Not Finish Danny.

0:21:010:21:05

Now, on to the next competitor, 19 year-old Sam from Gateshead,

0:21:050:21:09

a skilled figure skater and a sprinter.

0:21:090:21:12

Oh! She shattered - must have done.

0:21:140:21:16

Sam displaying a total disregard for her own personal safety,

0:21:170:21:20

which makes her the perfect Total Wipeout competitor.

0:21:200:21:23

I shall call her Kamikaze Sam.

0:21:230:21:25

Now, when it comes to sheer foolhardy recklessness,

0:21:290:21:32

there is no arena greater than the Big Balls.

0:21:320:21:34

We've seen what this girl is prepared to go through,

0:21:360:21:38

this is going to be good...for us.

0:21:380:21:41

Oh...

0:21:410:21:42

So far today, Kamikaze Sam has fallen off absolutely everything,

0:21:430:21:47

so she's bound to fall off here on the Monkey Swing,

0:21:470:21:51

because it looks to be impossible.

0:21:510:21:53

There you go!

0:21:540:21:55

Will anybody EVER do this?

0:21:570:21:59

Done with spectacular grace and elegance as well, though.

0:22:000:22:04

Critically, Sam managed to fall off everything quicker than anybody else

0:22:040:22:09

which should see her into the next round,

0:22:090:22:11

where there'll be plenty more ways she'll be able to hurt herself.

0:22:110:22:15

Rarrrrr!

0:22:150:22:16

35-year-old Paul from Swansea is a Chartered Engineer by day, but a smooth-talking DJ by night.

0:22:160:22:22

-Give me a bit of your DJ voice.

-DEEP VOICE: Hello, Amanda.

0:22:220:22:26

Very smooth. Oh yeah.

0:22:260:22:27

Oooh, yeah!

0:22:270:22:30

-I'm getting excited!

-Mmm, so am I!

0:22:300:22:32

Er, me too.

0:22:320:22:33

Smooth-looking Paul has so far made it to the Monkey Swing.

0:22:340:22:37

Will he make it? Nobody has, this thing is impossible.

0:22:400:22:44

Good start, I think. Is that... No.

0:22:440:22:46

Not so smooth there. Who's next?

0:22:490:22:52

I'm a quick, slick, Scottish flower.

0:22:540:22:56

I'm going to take this course with some Highland power!

0:22:560:22:59

This is more like it!

0:22:590:23:02

Angela is from Alloa, and is familiar with the Monkey Swing

0:23:020:23:04

as it has been a staple part of the Highland Games since 1873...

0:23:040:23:09

According to my notes.

0:23:090:23:12

Someone's going to have rope burn!

0:23:120:23:14

Come on!

0:23:150:23:17

Come on, Angela! Actually, this is looking good.

0:23:170:23:20

Keep going. Some proper Scottish grit and determination here.

0:23:220:23:26

Yes! Oh...

0:23:260:23:29

Right, that's the first time anybody's made it this far today.

0:23:290:23:32

-Already, she's in record- breaking territory.

-Yes!

0:23:330:23:36

Come on, focus.

0:23:360:23:39

You CAN do this.

0:23:390:23:42

-Oh...

-Come on, Angela, it's all about speed.

0:23:420:23:45

Come on! Oh...

0:23:470:23:48

She's on number six. This is it - this is extraordinary.

0:23:500:23:55

The very first person to do this.

0:23:550:23:57

We're all sharing a truly wonderful moment.

0:23:570:24:01

These Monkey Swings may take our dignity,

0:24:010:24:04

but they will never take our freedom!

0:24:040:24:06

SHE SCREAMS

0:24:070:24:08

Oh. I regret saying that now.

0:24:080:24:11

Oh, let's go to the leaderboard. Sorry!

0:24:120:24:14

Kamikaze Sam is top, followed very closely by Muddy Rhea in second

0:24:160:24:20

and Who's The Derrick in third.

0:24:200:24:22

Catherine the Ventriloquist in fourth.

0:24:220:24:24

Bhangra Johnny down to eighth, Angela from Alloa

0:24:240:24:27

is teetering on the brink in twelfth place. Just five competitors to go.

0:24:270:24:32

This is 28-year-old Marc,

0:24:330:24:34

armed only with some Bermuda shorts and tinted goggles.

0:24:340:24:38

Ooh - I'm not sure if he saw that one coming.

0:24:410:24:43

-OFFICIAL:

-Get back to the steps. Back to the steps.

0:24:450:24:49

I'm beginning to wonder if he can see ANYTHING.

0:24:490:24:51

Right, onto the second Heavy Bag Beam there.

0:24:510:24:54

He's made it onto the beam. Yes, he's there. Here we go.

0:24:540:24:57

This way! This way, this way...

0:24:570:25:00

-Oh!

-Took a colossal hit there.

0:25:020:25:05

I'm thinking maybe he should lose the tinted goggles.

0:25:050:25:09

He's not going to stop and do any welding en route, he needs them not.

0:25:110:25:14

Yes is, he's losing them! Oh. No, he's sticking with them!

0:25:140:25:17

Doing really well. Over there and... yeah, Sucker Punch.

0:25:170:25:21

Sucker Punch next, follow the noise.

0:25:210:25:23

I hope Marc can find his way there.

0:25:230:25:25

He'll hear them. He's just sort of running about.

0:25:250:25:28

How's he going to dodge them?!

0:25:280:25:30

Wow! Oh.

0:25:310:25:33

Oh dear. Just sort of walked off that.

0:25:330:25:36

Yeah.

0:25:360:25:38

Marc just using touch and smell now to find his way to the Big Balls.

0:25:390:25:42

Actually, not seeing these might help.

0:25:470:25:50

Scratch that - it didn't help. Didn't help.

0:25:540:25:57

-OFFICIAL:

-Marc, turn round. The Monkey Swing is behind you.

0:25:570:26:01

Yeah, wonder if he'll take the tinted goggles off now.

0:26:020:26:05

Come on, he's got to take them off now, surely!

0:26:050:26:07

I really don't think he can see through his goggles.

0:26:070:26:10

No, I don't! He can't!

0:26:100:26:12

-Can't see!

-Well, no...

-Take your goggles off.

0:26:120:26:15

It's your goggles, Marc! Take off the goggles. Come on. Come on.

0:26:180:26:22

I'll come back to Marc.

0:26:230:26:25

Two, three, four, five, six...

0:26:250:26:28

That is impressive. I had no idea Amanda could count that high.

0:26:280:26:33

Time to see three fit ladies in action.

0:26:330:26:36

Meet Jax, a 45-year-old personal trainer from Chippenham.

0:26:360:26:40

Then there's Gemma, a 24-year-old yoga enthusiast.

0:26:400:26:43

That's not yoga she's doing.

0:26:430:26:45

And Laura, a 39-year-old sales manager who claims she's as fit as a butcher's dog.

0:26:450:26:50

-I think I'm as fit as a butcher's dog!

-See?

0:26:500:26:53

Time to find out who's fittest as Gemma takes on the Bag Beam.

0:26:530:26:56

Oh, not bad. She almost touched the step.

0:26:560:26:59

Laura now.

0:26:590:27:01

Oh! She really did touch the step.

0:27:020:27:05

Let's see if Jax can do any better.

0:27:050:27:07

Little dodge, this is looking good...

0:27:070:27:09

Maybe not.

0:27:100:27:12

The Sucker Punch now.

0:27:120:27:14

And Jax takes an early bath.

0:27:150:27:18

Laura hanging on.

0:27:180:27:20

No. Muddy bath for her as well.

0:27:200:27:22

Gemma now.

0:27:220:27:23

They're all in the bath! Where's the soap?

0:27:240:27:26

Still neck and neck as Laura approaches the Big Balls.

0:27:260:27:29

She avoids the Motivator, but not the water.

0:27:290:27:33

Gemma now, approaching at speed.

0:27:330:27:36

But with the same result.

0:27:360:27:38

Can Jax deliver something different?

0:27:380:27:41

Ooh, yes she can.

0:27:450:27:46

Hello, could this be another golden moment?

0:27:500:27:54

No. No.

0:27:570:27:59

I really thought, just... OK.

0:27:590:28:00

71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76...

0:28:000:28:04

Amanda there - now on really big numbers.

0:28:040:28:07

Gemma on the Monkey Swing now.

0:28:080:28:10

And she's made it to the third...and straight off.

0:28:100:28:13

Come on, Laura.

0:28:140:28:15

Oh! Nice hands-free approach.

0:28:150:28:17

It was never going to work, was it?

0:28:170:28:19

Jax in a tangle...

0:28:190:28:21

And she's off too. So finally, 4:38 proves

0:28:220:28:25

that butchers' dogs probably aren't as fit as Laura thinks they are.

0:28:250:28:29

A time of 3:37 after 100 press-ups

0:28:290:28:32

proves that Press-Up Jax is the fittest -

0:28:320:28:35

although Yoga Gemma is quicker in 3:08.

0:28:350:28:37

Oh, it's Marc again. He's found the Monkey Swing.

0:28:380:28:41

I'll have to do the looking, because he can't see through those goggles.

0:28:410:28:46

There you go Marc, it's in front of you now. There.

0:28:460:28:50

Come on, Marc!

0:28:510:28:52

Well, this is incredible.

0:28:550:28:56

Make it to the next one.

0:28:560:28:59

Oh... He's taken the goggles off!

0:28:590:29:01

Oh, he's got no eyes! Oh, I s...

0:29:020:29:04

Oh, yes, they were just shut.

0:29:040:29:07

So, Marc takes one last look at the Qualifier before putting

0:29:070:29:10

the Goggles of Darkness back on and blindly swimming to the finish.

0:29:100:29:14

So close!

0:29:140:29:16

-OFFICIAL:

-Marc, watch out, there's a pole. Right in front of you.

0:29:160:29:20

-Which way?

-Go to the left, Marc.

0:29:200:29:22

The finish line is to the left.

0:29:220:29:24

Remember he's in the southern hemisphere -

0:29:240:29:27

maybe left and right are the other way round.

0:29:270:29:30

And so an epic reaches its climax,

0:29:310:29:34

as Tinted Marc completes the Qualifier in 5:18.

0:29:340:29:37

-About as long as Ben-Hur.

-Over here!

0:29:370:29:39

This is Noel - a champion pentathlete, a charity fundraiser, and a hip-hop dancer.

0:29:400:29:46

Is there nothing wrong with this guy?

0:29:460:29:48

Oh wait, hang on. Yeah, he's an investment banker.

0:29:480:29:51

If I don't exercise for two or three days, I feel like a bit of a fatty...

0:29:510:29:55

Growing up on a farm, bit of a country boy...

0:29:550:29:57

I then was talent-spotted, if you like, at university...

0:29:570:30:00

Shooting, fencing and horse riding...

0:30:000:30:03

..shortened volatility and hoping to ride this storm out...

0:30:030:30:06

HE BEATBOXES

0:30:060:30:07

I'm faster than Jensen Button, and I've got the luck of the Irish!

0:30:080:30:12

Oh, whatever. Anyway, Near Perfect Noel

0:30:120:30:15

is today's final challenger on the Sucker Punch.

0:30:150:30:18

Ooh, he's doing well,

0:30:210:30:22

looks like all his athletic attributes are useful here...

0:30:220:30:26

And he's across! Will Noel be able to add Big Ball Crosser

0:30:270:30:30

to his already irritatingly impressive CV?

0:30:300:30:34

No. Never mind!

0:30:340:30:37

SHE LAUGHS

0:30:370:30:38

Probably isn't any room left on his CV anyway.

0:30:380:30:42

Nobody has crossed the Monkey Swing all day,

0:30:430:30:46

so Near-Perfect Noel is today's last hope.

0:30:460:30:49

Confident start.

0:30:510:30:52

Ooh - slipped, but he's hanging on.

0:30:520:30:54

Somehow he's moving on.

0:30:570:30:59

An original strategy here.

0:30:590:31:02

Sliding along from swing to swing.

0:31:020:31:04

Nearly there now, nearly there.

0:31:070:31:09

Oh, is that a last-minute slip?

0:31:090:31:11

Yes! Noel defeats the Monkey Swing

0:31:120:31:13

and finishes in a superb time of 2:16. That was nearly perfect.

0:31:130:31:19

So the final leaderboard sees Near-Perfect Noel in first,

0:31:190:31:23

with Kamikaze Sam and Muddy Rhea heading up the muddy...rear.

0:31:230:31:27

Who's The Derrick finishes in fourth.

0:31:270:31:29

Smooth Paul in eighth.

0:31:300:31:33

And Press-Up Jax might be able to do a hundred press-ups,

0:31:330:31:36

but she's just scraped through in twelfth.

0:31:360:31:40

It's time to say goodbye to the valiant contestants who were sadly lost at sea.

0:31:400:31:45

Well, I say "at sea" - I mean in the Total Wipeout water.

0:31:450:31:49

Well, I say "water" - it's more overflow from the nearby chemical plant.

0:31:490:31:54

Now that's recycling!

0:31:540:31:56

# Eternal Father, strong to save

0:31:560:32:04

# Whose arm hath bound the restless wave

0:32:040:32:13

# Who bidd'st the mighty ocean deep...

0:32:130:32:21

# For those in peril on the sea. #

0:32:210:32:31

12 competitors have made it to the next round, and they now face an obstacle so large in scale

0:32:310:32:37

it's actually difficult to convey just how big it is.

0:32:370:32:40

To put it in perspective, it's as high as two medium-sized obstacles.

0:32:400:32:45

Or if you still can't picture it, it's the size of three small obstacles on top of each other.

0:32:450:32:51

Plus about...that.

0:32:510:32:52

That's right - it's Crash Mountain!

0:32:520:32:55

The 12 remaining competitors must dash to the centre podium.

0:33:000:33:04

In their way, two high-speed sweeper arms.

0:33:040:33:08

The first five to dodge them and make it to the middle

0:33:090:33:12

go through to the next round.

0:33:120:33:14

The rest will be left wet and red-faced on the losers' bench.

0:33:140:33:17

On podiums one, two and three,

0:33:190:33:22

it's Press-Up Jax, Kamikaze Sam, and Jailhouse Jules.

0:33:220:33:28

On four and five, it's Smooth Paul...

0:33:280:33:30

I am one smooth talker!

0:33:300:33:32

..and Near-Perfect Noel, the banker.

0:33:320:33:35

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do.

0:33:350:33:38

That explains the credit crunch.

0:33:380:33:39

On six, seven and eight, it's Yoga Gemma...

0:33:390:33:43

I've got the power, I've got the balance... and I'm going to wipe you out!

0:33:430:33:48

..Bhangra Johnny...

0:33:480:33:49

If you're going to be a bear, be a grizzly!

0:33:490:33:53

..and Ventriloquist Catherine.

0:33:530:33:55

My name is Catherine V Rock, and now the V stands for velocity!

0:33:550:33:58

I can still see your mouth moving.

0:33:580:34:00

On nine and ten, it's Take That Alfie...

0:34:000:34:03

Whoo...!

0:34:030:34:04

..and Who's The Derrick.

0:34:040:34:06

I've got rid of Chyna-Rose - I'm going to get rid of the rest, because I'm the best!

0:34:060:34:10

-And you're also...

-The daddy.

0:34:100:34:13

And finally, on eleven and twelve, it's Woo Hoo Wu...

0:34:130:34:16

Wu-wu-wu! Wu-wu-wu! Wu-wu-wu!

0:34:160:34:19

..and Muddy Rhea.

0:34:190:34:20

The only colour I'm seeing is red!

0:34:200:34:23

You won't like her when she's angry, trust me.

0:34:230:34:25

Get your boots on and strap yourselves in, it's Crash Mountain!

0:34:280:34:32

-Are you ready?

-ALL: Yeah!

0:34:320:34:35

That's a yes! Three, two...one!

0:34:350:34:39

KLAXON

0:34:390:34:41

So, off it goes. Who will be the first person to take the leap?

0:34:440:34:47

I'm not entirely sure what they're waiting for.

0:34:500:34:52

OK, let me rephrase - will anyone take the leap?

0:34:520:34:55

No, I can't do this!

0:34:550:34:57

Anyone?

0:34:570:34:58

This is really embarrassing.

0:34:580:35:00

-No time like the present!

-Come on, people, what are you waiting for?

0:35:020:35:06

Something of an anti-climax.

0:35:060:35:07

-Oh, at last!

-Yes!

0:35:090:35:13

Kamikaze Sam there, proving she's no chicken

0:35:130:35:15

with a bit of mid-air doggy paddle.

0:35:150:35:17

Bhangra Johnny now, showing us his moves...

0:35:190:35:23

Oh, it's Who's The Derrick!

0:35:230:35:25

Muddy Rhea now, taking an early dip. Who's next?

0:35:250:35:28

All of a sudden, everyone's up and running.

0:35:280:35:30

Oh - Yoga Gemma completely misses the bridge.

0:35:300:35:34

As does not-so Near-Perfect Noel.

0:35:340:35:37

Ventriloquist Catherine's first on.

0:35:370:35:39

She needs to get to her feet...

0:35:390:35:41

No. Let's just have another look.

0:35:410:35:43

Yeah, I definitely saw her mouth move. Had a sweeper arm in it.

0:35:440:35:47

After that, who would be foolhardy enough to make the dash?

0:35:470:35:51

It's going to take real bravery now.

0:35:530:35:55

It's Alfie!

0:35:550:35:57

Come on...!

0:35:570:35:59

-Take That Alfie took that...

-Oh!

0:36:000:36:03

..right on the bottom. Yeah.

0:36:030:36:05

Ouch!

0:36:050:36:06

Near-Perfect Noel...

0:36:100:36:13

Can he use his sporting ability to get all the way to the...

0:36:130:36:17

Oh!

0:36:170:36:18

For many reasons, that's gone wrong.

0:36:200:36:23

Oh! I think he didn't bruise the back of his left leg, but that's it.

0:36:230:36:28

Smooth Paul smoothly into the water.

0:36:290:36:31

Bhangra Johnny with exactly the same fall as last time.

0:36:310:36:35

Someone's got to make it, surely? Oh, it could be Derrick!

0:36:350:36:39

No! It really wasn't.

0:36:390:36:40

57-year-old Derrick the closest so far today,

0:36:400:36:43

he actually got his hands on...

0:36:430:36:45

Catherine now. She's got to get over that...

0:36:460:36:50

Oh!

0:36:510:36:52

I think desperation is now setting in.

0:36:530:36:56

That's Paul... That's gone wrong!

0:36:560:37:00

Oh, Kamikaze Sam making a run...

0:37:000:37:03

And just diving into the water.

0:37:030:37:05

Oh, he's on. First today to make it to the centre podium!

0:37:050:37:08

He's done it, that guy really is nearly perfect.

0:37:080:37:11

Near-Perfect Noel the first to the centre.

0:37:130:37:16

Derrick now, hot on Noel's heels, and he's made it!

0:37:160:37:20

Alfie now.

0:37:200:37:21

-Hasn't made it.

-He's the daddy! He's the daddy!

0:37:210:37:24

Jules now...

0:37:240:37:26

Yes! Jules the third to make it.

0:37:260:37:29

Can anyone join these three now?

0:37:290:37:32

Who will be next?

0:37:320:37:33

Ooh... Oh, it's Woo Hoo Wu.

0:37:360:37:37

A late charge there.

0:37:380:37:41

Just two places left. Who's going to make it?

0:37:410:37:44

Will it be Press-Up Jax? Kamikaze Sam? Smooth Paul?

0:37:450:37:49

Yoga Gemma? Bhangra Johnny? Catherine the Ventriloquist?

0:37:490:37:53

Take That Alfie? Woo Hoo Wu? Or Muddy Rhea?

0:37:530:37:57

Time to find out. It's crunch time.

0:37:570:37:59

Oh, no...

0:38:010:38:03

-Oh, not again.

-Come on, team! Focus!

0:38:040:38:08

Noel there, using his team management and leadership skills

0:38:080:38:11

to rally the troops.

0:38:110:38:13

I think they're all just knackered.

0:38:130:38:15

Oh...

0:38:150:38:17

Oh, here's Alfie! Come on!

0:38:190:38:20

Ooh... And I think...

0:38:210:38:23

Alfie's on. One place left now. Can Catherine grab it?

0:38:230:38:27

No, she can't. Neither can Gemma.

0:38:270:38:29

An incredible display of synchronised crashing

0:38:300:38:32

from Catherine AND Gemma together there.

0:38:320:38:35

Press-Up Jax edging along there.

0:38:370:38:39

She'll need to get to her feet.

0:38:390:38:42

She needs to get to her feet...

0:38:420:38:44

Oh, she has!

0:38:440:38:46

Yes, she has. And she is through.

0:38:460:38:48

Yes!

0:38:480:38:50

So, Noel, Derrick, Jules, Alfie and Jax progress to the next round.

0:38:530:38:58

But for the other seven competitors, it's the end of the road.

0:38:580:39:01

Some people like to say goodbye with a sad wave or perhaps a gentle, sorrowful embrace.

0:39:010:39:08

I, however, prefer to say my goodbyes via the medium of the montage.

0:39:080:39:12

I'm just not very tactile, I don't like all that huggy... Eeew!

0:39:120:39:17

Gutted. Just...

0:39:180:39:21

gutted.

0:39:210:39:22

I...just didn't have it, really.

0:39:260:39:30

It is ridiculously hard! I'm not even joking.

0:39:320:39:34

Every time you're just falling in the water.

0:39:350:39:38

Massively disappointed. MY kids should be going to Disney World.

0:39:390:39:43

I think Noel's the favourite.

0:39:440:39:45

I think he's going to get his hands on that trophy.

0:39:450:39:48

I'm going to root for Jackie, because she's ultra-fit.

0:39:490:39:52

So, go Jackie!

0:39:520:39:54

Let's just take a moment to think about those who never made it past Crash Mountain.

0:39:550:40:01

Bow your heads. Close your eyes.

0:40:010:40:03

Come on.

0:40:040:40:06

"Doing Dizzy Dummies.

0:40:080:40:10

"See you in pub 20 mins.

0:40:120:40:15

"LOL.

0:40:150:40:17

"XXX. R."

0:40:170:40:19

OK. You can open your eyes again now.

0:40:190:40:22

And now we need to whittle the remaining five down to three.

0:40:220:40:25

Without further ado, it's Dizzy Dummies.

0:40:250:40:28

The contestants will be spun in the Dizzy Dummy.

0:40:340:40:37

Confused and dizzy, they stumble over the revolving goal and traverse the Blob.

0:40:370:40:42

Last to the finish is eliminated.

0:40:420:40:44

They then do it again, but this time over the steppy stones. The last one across is out.

0:40:440:40:48

The two losers go home.

0:40:480:40:51

The other three will also go home, once they've had a go on the Wipeout Zone.

0:40:510:40:56

It's really windy out here today. Not that that's going to make any difference to this lot

0:40:560:41:01

once they get spun into oblivion.

0:41:010:41:03

It's Dizzy Dummies!

0:41:030:41:04

-Are you all ready?

-LONE VOICE: Yes!

0:41:040:41:08

No means yes where I come from. Three, two, one...

0:41:080:41:12

KLAXON

0:41:120:41:13

So, whilst these lucky five are spun for 40 seconds,

0:41:130:41:16

let's remind ourselves of who's still in the game...

0:41:160:41:20

He can do anything. But he's also a banker.

0:41:200:41:23

I'm faster than Jenson Button!

0:41:240:41:26

It's Near-Perfect Noel.

0:41:260:41:28

She's ripped. She's fit.

0:41:280:41:31

Well, cos she's a fitness coach. It's Press-Up Jax.

0:41:310:41:34

He's a 57-year-old trucking daddy. It's Who's The Derrick.

0:41:360:41:39

I'm the daddy!

0:41:390:41:41

She works in a jail. She's called Jules. It's Jailhouse Jules.

0:41:430:41:47

And even at this speed he still doesn't look like Robbie Williams -

0:41:510:41:54

it's Take That Alfie.

0:41:540:41:56

And they're off.

0:41:590:42:01

Well, Noel is off, the others struggling with the seat belts.

0:42:010:42:06

Near-Perfect Noel clambers over the goal, and here come the cavalry...

0:42:070:42:12

Ooh, this is getting messy now.

0:42:120:42:13

Noel is the first to the Blob.

0:42:130:42:16

Noel is then the first OFF the Blob.

0:42:160:42:18

Right, it's a better landing from Who's the Derrick.

0:42:190:42:22

But he doesn't stay on long either,

0:42:220:42:25

and neither does Alfie...

0:42:250:42:26

Noel again...

0:42:260:42:28

Oh.

0:42:280:42:31

Noel seemed to get swallowed by the Blob.

0:42:320:42:34

Hope it hasn't got teeth.

0:42:340:42:36

Right, here's Press-Up Jax. Come on.

0:42:360:42:38

No, she's off too.

0:42:390:42:41

Jailhouse Jules goes for it...

0:42:410:42:43

I'm spotting a pattern emerging. Anyone else?

0:42:440:42:47

Noel's back for more. Come on, come on...

0:42:480:42:50

Oh!

0:42:500:42:52

Derrick now, he's onto the final pontoon.

0:42:520:42:55

Make a jump. And he's there, surely...

0:42:550:42:58

Go on...

0:42:580:42:59

-Who's the daddy?

-Yes. Showing those whippersnappers how to do it.

0:42:590:43:04

Alfie now. Holding on for dear life...

0:43:050:43:08

Almost there.

0:43:080:43:10

And Take That Alfie has made it through.

0:43:110:43:13

-Come on, Jules.

-Yeah, come on, Jules.

0:43:150:43:17

-Noel is coming, so you might want to do it now.

-Yeah.

0:43:170:43:21

Oh, no...

0:43:210:43:23

Ooh! Dirty tactics from Not-So-Perfect Noel,

0:43:230:43:27

forcing Jules into a premature dismount...

0:43:270:43:29

..landing on her face.

0:43:300:43:32

Press-Up Jax, sensing an opportunity.

0:43:320:43:34

-Come on, Jax.

-And she's across the Blob and onto the first pontoon.

0:43:360:43:41

-How am I going to get across?

-You're going to need to jump.

0:43:430:43:46

Oh, Noel's coming again!

0:43:460:43:48

Oh, no, that's... Oh!

0:43:480:43:50

Sorry...

0:43:500:43:51

Far-From-Perfect Noel, re-read the rule book. Oh, there isn't one.

0:43:520:43:57

Oh, Noel, you naughty, naughty boy.

0:43:580:44:01

Jailhouse Jules still can't escape from Blobwood Scrubs...

0:44:010:44:05

Noel now. Let's hope he doesn't hurt anyone else...

0:44:080:44:11

Oh! Might have hurt himself! But he's through.

0:44:140:44:18

So, that not-so-perfect finish from Not-So-Perfect Noel

0:44:180:44:22

means there's just one place left.

0:44:220:44:24

Will it be Jax?

0:44:280:44:29

No.

0:44:300:44:32

-Mind the gap!

-Could it be Jules?

0:44:320:44:35

Mind the bigger gap.

0:44:350:44:36

That's still a no.

0:44:380:44:40

Last-ditch attempt from Jax.

0:44:410:44:43

This has got to be it.

0:44:450:44:47

Cos I'm hungry. And it's lunchtime.

0:44:470:44:50

I'm not, I've had an entire packet of custard creams.

0:44:500:44:53

Hallelujah!

0:44:540:44:56

Press-Up Jax has done it -

0:44:560:44:57

and Jailhouse Jules is out of the competition.

0:44:570:45:00

-You tried so hard.

-It was great.

0:45:030:45:06

But that final leap, I just...

0:45:060:45:09

It was so close, but... I need longer legs.

0:45:090:45:11

So, Near-Perfect Noel, Who's The Derrick, Take That Alfie and Press-Up Jax

0:45:130:45:18

are strapped back into the Dizzy Dummy for one final time.

0:45:180:45:21

They will have 40 seconds to...

0:45:210:45:23

relax, gather their thoughts,

0:45:230:45:26

plot their strategy, make some final last-minute tweaks...

0:45:260:45:29

-KLAXON

-..and maybe be sick a bit.

0:45:290:45:32

And round two begins.

0:45:320:45:34

Noel's straight off the blocks,

0:45:340:45:35

followed closely by Who's The Derrick and Press-Up Jax.

0:45:350:45:38

Alfie bringing up the rear there.

0:45:380:45:40

To the steppy stones...

0:45:410:45:43

Just these now standing in the way of a place in the Wipeout Zone.

0:45:430:45:47

Ooh... Come on.

0:45:470:45:50

Noel doing pretty well.

0:45:500:45:52

-Ooh, a little slip!

-Ooh, Noel!

0:45:540:45:57

Oh, Noel...!

0:46:020:46:04

Bit of a wobble. But he is looking good.

0:46:070:46:09

Can he make this last leap?

0:46:090:46:12

Not-So-Perfect Noel did that pretty perfectly,

0:46:140:46:17

but who will join him in the final?

0:46:170:46:20

Come on, Derrick, you can do it. You are the daddy.

0:46:200:46:23

Who's The Derrick heading the field.

0:46:240:46:26

Nearly there now,

0:46:260:46:28

nearly there.

0:46:280:46:29

And he's safely across.

0:46:290:46:32

-Who's the daddy?

-You're the daddy!

0:46:320:46:34

So it's all between Take That Alfie and Press-Up Jax.

0:46:340:46:38

Things not looking good for Jax.

0:46:380:46:41

Alfie just needs to hold on. He's almost there.

0:46:410:46:44

Is it all over for Jax?

0:46:440:46:47

-Yes, it is.

-Take that!

0:46:490:46:51

Alfie is through.

0:46:510:46:53

You were last out of the gate. That's pretty much all that went wrong.

0:46:540:46:58

I don't know, I think maybe I let the guys go ahead,

0:46:580:47:01

and I wasn't enough... I should have been a bit more tomboyish.

0:47:010:47:05

Big nasty boys, you didn't have a hope!

0:47:050:47:08

I know.

0:47:080:47:10

The Total Wipeout course has selected today's finalists.

0:47:100:47:14

Near-Perfect Noel, Who's The Derrick and Take That Alfie have

0:47:140:47:18

made it to the Wipeout Zone, the pinnacle of their existence to date.

0:47:180:47:22

That's a bit unfair, actually, one of them could be an astronaut.

0:47:220:47:26

Actually, Noel is an investment banker, so...yeah, the pinnacle of their existence to date.

0:47:260:47:31

I am so surprised that I've got to this point. I'm actually a bit emotional about it all.

0:47:350:47:40

I've completely shocked myself. Not expecting to be here.

0:47:400:47:43

I set my standards high. I did want to get through to the final,

0:47:430:47:46

but I'm quite pleased with my performance so far.

0:47:460:47:49

-I am unbelievably excited.

-I'm feeling pretty nervous.

0:47:490:47:54

I've got this far and it would be a shame to drop out in the last three.

0:47:540:47:58

So...focus.

0:47:580:47:59

-Noel's been the favourite from the start.

-He desperately wants to win.

0:48:010:48:05

Derrick's the one to watch, from my perspective.

0:48:060:48:08

He's been close behind me in a lot of the qualifying rounds.

0:48:080:48:12

He's got a goal, and he won't give up until he's reached that goal.

0:48:120:48:16

I'm going to do it. If I ain't got faith in myself, why should you?

0:48:160:48:19

Who's the daddy?

0:48:190:48:21

I'm the daddy. The number one daddy.

0:48:210:48:23

I am definitely going to be the front man.

0:48:240:48:27

I live by the motto of, the game is won before you step on the pitch.

0:48:270:48:30

If you don't believe you can win, what's the point?

0:48:300:48:33

Age to me is just a number. And it doesn't bother me.

0:48:330:48:36

I've come so far, I don't want to walk away with nothing now.

0:48:370:48:41

I would recommend the viewers put a sneaky little bet on me.

0:48:410:48:44

Put your money on the daddy. Big daddy's coming home!

0:48:450:48:49

Just watching all of that has tired me out. But I'm not a quitter.

0:48:500:48:55

Even though I am tired, I'm going to carry on watching the next bit through to the end, oh yes.

0:48:550:49:00

No pain, no gain. I'm going to watch the heck out of this next round.

0:49:000:49:04

Come on, Hammond, shift up a gear, it's the Wipeout Zone!

0:49:040:49:08

So this is what the three finalists will face.

0:49:130:49:18

Killer Surf. You fall down it.

0:49:180:49:21

Rapid Climb. You climb up it.

0:49:210:49:23

Then fall down it.

0:49:230:49:25

Balance Beam. You balance on it.

0:49:250:49:27

Then fall off it.

0:49:270:49:29

Crazy Sweeper. You run across it for a bit, and then fall off it.

0:49:290:49:33

Tarzan Swing. You swing...and then, well, you don't need me to tell you.

0:49:330:49:37

Then it's the end - and you might get one of these.

0:49:370:49:40

There's a buzz in the air, and I'm not talking about the mosquitoes.

0:49:400:49:44

It's another exciting Wipeout Zone, and the first to go is Alfie.

0:49:440:49:49

So, Alfie, the 25-year-old Robbie impersonator, is the first to go.

0:49:490:49:53

Let's have it!

0:49:560:49:58

Yeah, you're going to get it. And he's off.

0:49:580:50:00

Great landing there.

0:50:070:50:08

And now a quick swim to the Rapid Climb.

0:50:080:50:12

He's on...

0:50:160:50:17

And doing well, straight up.

0:50:180:50:20

He needs to get to the top in 10 seconds to avoid the tidal wave.

0:50:200:50:25

And he's now struggling. Oh, come on, Alfie.

0:50:250:50:28

Two, one... Oh, no, here comes the water!

0:50:280:50:32

Somehow he's managing to hold on.

0:50:340:50:36

Yeah. Probably a bit tired from all that effort,

0:50:390:50:43

but he's pressing on.

0:50:430:50:45

He's made it to the top.

0:50:480:50:50

Balance Beam is next.

0:50:510:50:52

The last thing Alfie wants to do here is lose his footing. Come on.

0:50:520:50:57

Ooh! Oh...

0:50:590:51:01

And he's made it across.

0:51:040:51:06

To the Crazy Sweeper, where timing is everything. He's going for it.

0:51:060:51:09

Going to pick his moment. Oh, no, he's slipped!

0:51:120:51:14

-And he's off.

-Oh, Alfie!

0:51:170:51:19

Couldn't hold on, and that's going to cost him dearly.

0:51:190:51:22

It's a swim and a climb now.

0:51:220:51:25

He really needs to make up some time.

0:51:250:51:27

CROWD CHANTS

0:51:270:51:28

He looks exhausted.

0:51:290:51:31

Has he got any power left in those arms

0:51:350:51:37

to get him over the Tarzan Swing? He's going for it...

0:51:370:51:41

Come on. He's on...

0:51:410:51:43

Oh, no!

0:51:430:51:44

That really was the last thing Alfie needed. Just in pieces now.

0:51:460:51:51

Come on, Alfie. One leap.

0:51:530:51:55

-Come on, Alfie.

-One leap and it's over.

0:51:550:51:57

And he's done it.

0:51:570:51:59

3:15. Not the fastest, but he's still in there with a chance.

0:51:590:52:04

Take That Alfie had a strong start until the tidal wave

0:52:040:52:08

took the wind out of his sails.

0:52:080:52:10

Not the best Wipeout Zone performance,

0:52:110:52:14

but will it be enough to net him £10,000?

0:52:140:52:17

You're shaking your head, what's wrong? Why are you so upset?

0:52:170:52:20

Awful. I fell off everything.

0:52:200:52:23

I'll put you out of your misery.

0:52:230:52:25

Your time tonight was 3:15,

0:52:250:52:27

-which really isn't that bad at all.

-Not too bad.

0:52:270:52:29

Not as bad as you thought. So, yours is the time to beat.

0:52:290:52:32

So next up is Derrick.

0:52:320:52:34

He may be 32 years older than Alfie, but he has been one of

0:52:350:52:39

-the strongest competitors all day.

-Who's the daddy?

0:52:390:52:42

It's Who's The Derrick.

0:52:420:52:44

Oh!

0:52:470:52:48

An awkward landing. Hope he hasn't put his back out.

0:52:510:52:54

So, 3:15 to beat.

0:52:540:52:55

Derrick makes his way to the Rapid Climb.

0:52:570:53:01

He has to pull himself up, a lot of upper body strength is needed here.

0:53:030:53:07

And he's got it, clearly. The 10 seconds begin, he's doing well.

0:53:070:53:11

Still moving up. This is going to be close, the seconds ticking away.

0:53:120:53:16

Walking up it!

0:53:160:53:18

And he's done it.

0:53:180:53:19

He was just a second away from a face full of water.

0:53:190:53:23

On to the Balance Beam now.

0:53:230:53:26

Grandfather of six Derrick has got to stick to that beam.

0:53:260:53:30

Doing very well.

0:53:320:53:33

I reckon one or two more steps and he'll be there...

0:53:330:53:38

Yeah, one final step and he's there.

0:53:380:53:41

And he is. Now it's a test of speed and timing on the Crazy Sweeper.

0:53:410:53:44

And he's just going for it.

0:53:440:53:46

Come on, Derrick, this is going to be close.

0:53:460:53:49

Oh!

0:53:490:53:52

He's being chased! I can't watch!

0:53:520:53:54

No...

0:53:540:53:55

Oh, no!

0:53:550:53:57

-Unbelievable.

-My God...

0:53:580:54:00

He held on. This is an incredible performance.

0:54:000:54:03

On to the Tarzan Swing, way ahead of Alfie now.

0:54:030:54:05

Can he do this?

0:54:050:54:08

Yes, he can.

0:54:100:54:12

What is this man made of? Nearly there.

0:54:120:54:14

Oh!

0:54:140:54:16

And what a finish.

0:54:170:54:20

And a time of 1:58.

0:54:200:54:22

-Who's the daddy?

-I'll say you are!

0:54:220:54:25

That was an incredible performance from Derrick -

0:54:260:54:29

1:17 faster than Take That Alfie.

0:54:290:54:32

It's time for Amanda to break the news.

0:54:320:54:35

You walked around that. You don't even seem out of breath.

0:54:390:54:42

I am now! First class.

0:54:420:54:45

-Pleased with your performance?

-100%, yeah.

0:54:450:54:49

Alfie was wonderful tonight, he did that course in relatively good time.

0:54:490:54:54

Derrick - you're still the daddy, though, you were faster.

0:54:540:54:57

-Yes! The daddy's home!

-Alfie, I'm sorry.

0:54:570:54:59

-Alfie, go join the others.

-The daddy's home!

0:55:020:55:05

Do you know what this means?

0:55:050:55:06

It means this is between you and Noel. 50-50 chance of winning this tonight, Derrick.

0:55:060:55:11

That's good enough for me.

0:55:110:55:13

Let's watch Noel.

0:55:130:55:15

So, can Near-Perfect Noel beat Derrick's near-perfect run?

0:55:160:55:19

This...is it.

0:55:190:55:22

It's time to find out.

0:55:220:55:24

22-year-old Noel is a pentathlete, which should give him an advantage

0:55:260:55:30

over a 57-year-old grandfather of six.

0:55:300:55:33

He's in the water.

0:55:330:55:35

The Rapid Climb first.

0:55:360:55:37

And he's on.

0:55:420:55:43

So the clock is started as soon as he's on.

0:55:430:55:47

10 seconds, remember, before the tidal wave.

0:55:470:55:50

Ooh, he's taken a slip!

0:55:500:55:53

He's struggling!

0:55:530:55:55

Two, one...

0:55:550:55:57

Oh, no - here it comes.

0:55:570:55:59

Can Noel hold on?

0:56:010:56:02

The force of the water pushing him down.

0:56:040:56:06

But he's done it, he's still on the Rapid Climb.

0:56:060:56:09

No... Oh, that's good for me.

0:56:090:56:11

Derrick urging Noel to slip,

0:56:110:56:13

but he's made it up to the Balance Beam. There he is.

0:56:130:56:17

Take your time! You've got plenty time, slow up!

0:56:180:56:21

Noel really is going to have to pull something special out of the bag.

0:56:220:56:26

He really can't afford a single slip.

0:56:260:56:29

He's made it to The Crazy Sweeper,

0:56:330:56:36

but he's going to have to be really quick now.

0:56:360:56:38

And that's not going to do it, is it? What's he doing?

0:56:420:56:46

He's just throwing away any chances here.

0:56:460:56:48

Come on, Noel, get up! We've just watched a 57-year-old grandfather

0:56:480:56:52

outrun that beam, and you're slithering about on your belly.

0:56:520:56:55

Come on!

0:56:550:56:57

Come on...

0:56:590:57:01

Go on, Noel, take your time, mate. You've got all night!

0:57:030:57:05

Sadly for him, his challenge is as good as over now.

0:57:070:57:12

It's a good swing, no problems for Noel. Just the finish podium now.

0:57:190:57:23

And he's there. 2:30.

0:57:250:57:28

So much promise from Near-Perfect Noel, but he finished

0:57:290:57:32

a far-from-perfect 32 seconds behind Derrick.

0:57:320:57:35

He doesn't know that yet, and it's time for him to find out.

0:57:350:57:39

That was absolutely brilliant. How are you feeling?

0:57:420:57:45

Good, yeah. Really happy, thank you.

0:57:450:57:48

You've been so determined today, and so fantastic. You've been the frontrunner all day.

0:57:480:57:52

Tonight, Derrick, we were wondering if we were going to have our oldest winner on Total Wipeout at 57.

0:57:520:57:57

Noel, I can tell you now, you were fantastic -

0:57:570:58:01

but you are still the daddy, Derrick! You are the Total Wipeout champion!

0:58:010:58:05

Daddy's home to stay!

0:58:060:58:08

I warned you...

0:58:080:58:10

Congratulations to Derrick from Sidcup, who's bagged himself £10,000.

0:58:100:58:16

He's also bagged himself a place in the Total Wipeout final,

0:58:160:58:19

along with Alfie and Noel...

0:58:190:58:21

..where the best of the best battle for the ultimate title, the Champion of Champions.

0:58:220:58:27

Join me next time, as I continue the search to find more potential champions. People like this.

0:58:270:58:33

MUSIC: "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson

0:58:330:58:37

And this.

0:58:370:58:39

From Amanda and me, goodbye.

0:58:410:58:43

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:59:030:59:05

E-mail [email protected]

0:59:050:59:08

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS