Episode 5 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Ooh, they've got horses!

A gaggle of fearless Brits, including a truck driver, a food technologist and a puppeteer,

have come to defeat the greatest obstacle course this district of Buenos Aires has ever seen.

They'll all succeed, but only if they were planning on losing spectacularly.

One will be crowned Total Wipeout champion and walk away with £10,000.

Let the games begin.

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

Tonight, I'll be answering the big questions of our age -

such as, when is that guy going to fall off that thing?

Do you think that hurt?

And when is that girl going to fall off that other thing?

Heavy stuff.

Today's bandage-free competitors will try to defeat the Total Wipeout course.

If they're lucky, they'll remain bandage-free,

and if they're even more lucky, win the Total Wipeout Trophy.

Let's see what they'll be falling off today.

The Qualifier. No pain, no gain.

Crash Mountain. Some pain, some gain.

Dizzy Dummies. Much pain, a little gain.

And the grand finale, the Wipeout Zone. Just...pain.

We've got our contestants, we've got our course.

I've got a cup of tea and I've got a custard cream.

So nobody is getting fired today.

At ease, everyone.

Let's go live to Amanda Byram who is at the top of the course in Argentina.

I'm joined at the top of the Qualifier by Pip from Wiltshire.

Pip, how determined are you to win today?

I'm very determined.

Just because you're blonde and pretty, you don't have to be a bimbo.

You can have a brain and you can win Wipeout.

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Yes.

-This is Total Wipeout, and I'm Pip.

Come on, let's rip!

Oh... Oh, dear. She didn't wait for the klaxon.

-OFFICIAL:

-You have to wait for the klaxon.

-It's not started yet.

Pip there, doing a great job,

proving that not all blondes are bimbos. Just some.

Let's wait for the klaxon this time.

-KLAXON

-There you go.

Off she goes...

Now, which new obstacle awaits this 24-year-old accounts assistant

from Wiltshire?

One narrow beam, six heavy swinging bags... It's the Heavy Bag Beam.

Lucky Pip is the first to test it out. Come on Pip, let's rip.

This can only go well. Come on.

Ohhh!

Poor Pip has taken an early dip.

This one might be dangerous.

She'll need to climb up the stairs to the second set of bags.

Can she? Oh - no. No, she can't.

From something new to something old. It's the Sucker Punch.

Now, Pip has a dog called Chuck Norris, so will this

make her tough enough to beat the leanest, hardest

pneumatic punching wall on the planet?

No. No, it won't.

Oh, dear. Down on the first punch.

Yep, you've guessed it - it's Big Ball time.

If Pip is feeling tired by this point,

she'll probably be helped by a little motivation.

That's right. If Pip dithers for too long at the top of the Big Balls,

she'll be subtly prompted by this.

The Motivator.

Come on, Pip, stay focused.

Come on, the one thing you don't want to do is lose.

Every ounce of composure.

Like that.

That was the best panic I've ever seen!

Perfect example of a total sensory meltdown.

It's very effective, it does chivvy them.

The clock still ticking as Pip makes her way to today's final obstacle.

It's the elegant and graceful...

Monkey Swing.

Pip just needs to cross these six red swings

to the finish podium, where the clock will stop.

I want my mummy.

I want another custard cream, but you can't have everything.

Come on, Pip. Here we go.

Ooh...

Oh, she's slipped.

Oh, no...

So, Pip falls at the last hurdle, meaning she has

to swim to the finish podium, and she's opted for backstroke.

Not often you get that one.

So it's a quick climb, and Pip sets the time to beat.

3:41. Not a great time, but on a brighter note,

two seconds faster than the world record for running a mile(!)

A little bit put off by the Motivator.

I heard it go and I was, "Oh, my God, I have to go!" And just went.

How do you feel? How do you think it was?

I tell you what, people watching at home have absolutely no idea.

Neither has this man. This is Johnny. Don't worry, he's not hyperventilating, he's dancing.

Move the hips... Nobody puts Byram in the corner.

Move the hips, girlie. Now, we need to add a lift.

This isn't for the people at home, because you might fall over and hurt yourself.

I'm going to Bhangra-dance my way around this course!

Bhangra-dancing Johnny is a 28-year-old solicitor from London.

Apparently his children didn't know he was going to be on the show,

so, kids - surprise!

Oh - that WAS a surprise.

Time for the Sucker Punch. Bhangra Johnny can make up some time here.

He seems to have taken a bit of a tumble.

That's not technically an obstacle there...

..that's just the way you GET to the obstacle.

This is 18-year-old Rhea, an arts student from Huddersfield.

Aren't art students a little bit dainty and painty?

Do you think you're tough enough?

No. Art students are up for anything.

I'm going to visualise everything.

Especially on the big red balls.

I don't want to get muddy either.

Oh, she's got muddy. I'll call her Muddy Rhea.

Probably doesn't want to get wet either.

Yeah, she's got wet.

On the bright side, at least she's not muddy any more.

'Whoopsadaisy!'

Just the Monkey Swings to go.

Muddy Rhea taking her first tentative steps...

And her first tentative slip.

And her first tentative belly flop.

That wasn't ideal.

In fact, you could say that was "dire, Rhea".

I said "diarrhoea" on the telly!

'Whoopsadaisy!'

Despite that, she's the quickest so far with a surprisingly fast 2:28.

Woooo!

Prepare for that time to be smashed.

This is Dave.

He may not look like an athlete,

but don't be deceived -

Dave is a fighting machine, a master of combat, a world champion.

I was world champion in fleaweight robotic combat, which is tiny little fighting robots.

Wow...

Initiate assault course mode, and activate!

So, can this remote-controlled robot fanatic show us what he's made of?

Come on, Remote-Controlled Dave.

I've got a good feeling about this one actually.

If he can just get on to that pontoon...

You haven't started really yet, Dave.

The clock has, but you've gone nowhere.

Just get up there, onto the pontoon, and get going.

I'll come back to Remote-Controlled Dave later.

I'm joined now by the lovely Wu from Surrey, a software developer.

Are you excited to be here, Wu?

Yeah, very excited. Wu-wu-wu!

-Wu-hoo!

-Wu!

-Wu-hoo!

-Wu-hoo!

Woo Hoo Wu thinks the key to the course is balance and luck.

So let's see how he does.

There's that balance...

And now for the luck.

Oh! That was unlucky.

Yeah, it was.

Good demonstration of balance, just got hit by a massive, heavy bag.

Let's see if Woo Hoo Wu's luck improves on the Sucker Punch.

This could be his obstacle. Come on...

MUSIC: "Woo Hoo" by The 5.6.7.8's

Looking good so far.

Oh. That is bad luck.

Definitely had the balance. He just got hit by a massive, heavy fist.

Wu-hoo!

Yeah, it's the luck thing.

Now, if anyone has the credentials

to beat a wall full of ill-tempered boxing gloves,

it's 43-year-old prison fitness officer Jules.

Oh...

Oh! She's holding on.

Oh... No. That's gone wrong.

Valiant effort.

Nearly made it across. Fell off.

The Big Balls now. Jules would like to visit

all seven wonders of the world, so Jules, here's four of them.

Technically speaking, she's only actually visited two of them there.

Back to Remote-Controlled Dave. They've had to send Eduardo in.

Perhaps Amanda will help with a few encouraging words for him.

No, of course she won't. Why would she do that?

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Alfie from the Wirral.

So, Alfie, what is it that you do for a living?

I'm in a Take That tribute band.

-Really? Who are you?

-I am the mighty Robbie Williams.

Really?

So, Alfie is getting into the zone.

He's focusing, relaxing his mind...

-CREAKING

-That's a bit too relaxed.

Let me entertain you!

I think you already have, Alfie.

So, a rock'n'roll start from the Robbie Williams impersonator.

A little bit too excited...

And the shock news is he's currently beating Remote-Controlled Dave -

I know, I can't believe it either.

Sprints across the pontoons.

And...sort of canters around the corner.

Time to shine.

Ooh!

That was really very entertaining. Thank you.

Not really seeing the Robbie Williams thing myself

but let's see how Alfie gets on with the Sucker Punch.

Actually, when his face is squashed like that,

there's something about him maybe Robbie Williams-ish.

Big Ball time. Will Alfie entertain us?

I've got a feeling the answer might be yes.

Woooargh!

Whatever. Come on.

-Come on, Alfie.

-Yes...

Come on, Alfie...

Ooh, yes. That was spectacular.

It started off well,

but a rather quick downward spiral.

Less like Robbie Williams, more like...Chesney Hawkes.

Come on, Alfie, that's the way. Deep breaths. That's it.

Deep breaths.

Let's take this opportunity

to remind ourselves of Alfie's uncanny resemblance to Robbie.

Not really getting it myself.

Maybe he just sounds a lot like him.

# We've said goodbye, the taxicab is waiting

# Now don't you cry, just one more kiss and... #

Let's move on. Alfie is at the final obstacle, the Monkey Swing.

It looks easy, but it's not. Come on, Alfie, don't give...

He gave up.

Despite that spectacular display of spinelessness, Alfie makes it

through the course in the middling-to-average time of 2:59.

But will that be enough to see him into the next round?

Six have gone but only the 12 fastest will qualify.

Let's take a first look at the leaderboard.

Muddy Rhea is currently at the top with Woo Hoo Wu

and Take That Alfie in second and third.

Bhangra Johnny and Jailhouse Jules, fourth and fifth.

False Start Pip is last.

So, I'm joined at the top of the Qualifier by Catherine,

a puppeteer from Surrey, and SHE'S joined by Mab, a 317-year-old witch.

Oh, brilliant, a ventriloquist on Total Wipeout. I love ventriloquists.

Keith Harris and Orville, Rod Hull and Emu, Ant and Dec... No, hang on.

I've just been told, they weren't all ventriloquists. Emu never spoke.

-Amanda...

-Yes?

Are you naughty or are you nice?

Depends on who you're asking.

If you're naughty, I'll put you in a cage and if you're nice, in a pie!

She's rubbish, I saw her mouth move. I did.

My name is Catherine V Rock, and the V stands for victory!

It doesn't, it stands for Victoria according to my notes here.

Yeah, definitely Victoria.

Heavy Bag Beam now.

# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight... #

Ooh!

Definitely saw her mouth move again.

Right, Sucker Punch now.

What's going to happen here, Little Richard Hammond?

-WITH CLENCHED TEETH:

-"I think she'll get punched in her eyes...

"Yes. Definitely."

'That's the way to do it!'

Back to Remote-Controlled Dave, and he's finally at the Sucker Punch.

-Ooh, he's egging it on.

-He is. Yeah.

He's taking a bit of a beating here.

But he's sticking to that wall.

He's so tough.

Is there nothing that can defeat this remote-controlled legend?

He is, I think, invincible.

Oh... Yeah. Ah.

Takes a real pasting, a good one to the face and is in the mud.

Oh, dear.

Uh-oh, another tiny rope to go up and another pontoon to climb onto.

He could be in big trouble here.

Come on, Dave. Memories of your last battle

resonating around his muddy head.

-I can't get up.

-Yes, you can.

Yes, you can. (Actually I don't think he can.)

-You can do it...

-I'm not sure he can.

Come on, Remote-Controlled Dave.

Do it for all the techies, for robot fans everywhere...

Don't give up.

Oh, he's given up.

He has.

METALLIC CLUNKING

Wow! Come on.

-This is...

-Well done!

-We these moving moments on Total Wipeout. I'm choked.

-Come on, Dave!

With Remote-Controlled Dave back on full power,

surely he can beat the Big Balls.

Yes!

Um... Whoa...

No! No, not even remotely.

And I think...his head's come off.

His head has come off.

That's going to be...

Somebody look...!

Oh, no, there it is. That's a relief,

there would have been a lot of forms.

You have to admire his stamina.

He's not given up, when many men would have.

Just the Monkey Swing to go.

Come on, Dave, you can do it.

On the first one. I want him to complete this...

Come on! This is...

Come on, you're building the tension.

No...

I mean - there are no points at all for determination,

but if there were, he'd have some.

Remote-Controlled Dave finishes with a time of 6:28.

Dave, I salute you.

And now, in order to reduce your carbon footprint,

it's time for you to power down.

-CLUNKING AND BEEPING

-There you go.

This is Derrick.

-He runs a fleet of trucks.

-I'm the daddy!

And this is his lovely, sweet daughter, Chyna-Rose.

So, Chyna-Rose, what is it that you do for a living?

I'm a truck driver.

Are you going to give Daddy the respect he deserves out there and let him win?

-Yes.

-Shall I show you respect?

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

That's as much respect as he's going to get.

Wow! Truckers. I love truckers.

I love trucks. Finally...

-ECHOING VOICE ON RADIO:

-..I can use this.

Ooh. It works.

Brilliant! Over.

I'm the daddy! The number one daddy!

So, it's a father/daughter trucker face-off...

Truckers and lovers - Total Wipeout!

Sorry, I forgot to say "over" then.

MUSIC: "Convoy" by CW McCall

OK, these two might have HGV licences -

clearly they spend more time in the cab than actually walking about.

..Over.

Oh - Long Distance Chyna has jackknifed on a heavy bag.

Clear advantage now to Who's The Derrick. Over.

-Who's the daddy, Derrick?

-I'm the daddy!

Chyna-Rose needs to put the hammer down and make up some time.

Yeah, she just got hammered. Over.

Right, Big Ball time.

Derrick's just gone under. Over.

They're both neck and neck. This is going to be close. Over.

Looks like Long Distance Chyna's got snarled up on the Monkey Swing.

It's actually quite hard doing this voice. Over.

Has anyone got a throat lozenge?

Long Distance Chyna crawls to the top with a time of 3:55.

But Who's The Derrick smashes home with a time of 2:44.

That's a big ten-four.

Here's Danny. He works as cabin crew for a low-cost airline.

Not sure he needed his work uniform.

Air stewards are well trained at keeping their balance

in situations of extreme turbulence and this is looking good, very good.

Nice one, Danny.

Now to face 22 angry passengers.

Will Danny's extensive training in conflict resolution be able to...

No, it hasn't helped at all.

Just flicked him off the wall and into the mud. Now, Danny may be used

to making hot drinks and selling overpriced perfume -

let's find out if he can actually fly.

Come on! Come on!

Ooh... That's not good.

No.

An amazing aerobatic display there.

Unfortunately, Danny injured his shoulder on the balls.

He didn't complete the Qualifier - but with that extraordinary leap, he did achieve something else.

It's time for this week's extraordinary positions.

In at four, it's the high knees and short shorts of Who's The Derrick.

At three, it's Take That Alfie.

Not moving at two, it's Remote- Controlled Dave in shutdown mode.

And flying in at number one, it's Did Not Finish Danny.

Now, on to the next competitor, 19 year-old Sam from Gateshead,

a skilled figure skater and a sprinter.

Oh! She shattered - must have done.

Sam displaying a total disregard for her own personal safety,

which makes her the perfect Total Wipeout competitor.

I shall call her Kamikaze Sam.

Now, when it comes to sheer foolhardy recklessness,

there is no arena greater than the Big Balls.

We've seen what this girl is prepared to go through,

this is going to be good...for us.

Oh...

So far today, Kamikaze Sam has fallen off absolutely everything,

so she's bound to fall off here on the Monkey Swing,

because it looks to be impossible.

There you go!

Will anybody EVER do this?

Done with spectacular grace and elegance as well, though.

Critically, Sam managed to fall off everything quicker than anybody else

which should see her into the next round,

where there'll be plenty more ways she'll be able to hurt herself.

Rarrrrr!

35-year-old Paul from Swansea is a Chartered Engineer by day, but a smooth-talking DJ by night.

-Give me a bit of your DJ voice.

-DEEP VOICE: Hello, Amanda.

Very smooth. Oh yeah.

Oooh, yeah!

-I'm getting excited!

-Mmm, so am I!

Er, me too.

Smooth-looking Paul has so far made it to the Monkey Swing.

Will he make it? Nobody has, this thing is impossible.

Good start, I think. Is that... No.

Not so smooth there. Who's next?

I'm a quick, slick, Scottish flower.

I'm going to take this course with some Highland power!

This is more like it!

Angela is from Alloa, and is familiar with the Monkey Swing

as it has been a staple part of the Highland Games since 1873...

According to my notes.

Someone's going to have rope burn!

Come on!

Come on, Angela! Actually, this is looking good.

Keep going. Some proper Scottish grit and determination here.

Yes! Oh...

Right, that's the first time anybody's made it this far today.

-Already, she's in record- breaking territory.

-Yes!

Come on, focus.

You CAN do this.

-Oh...

-Come on, Angela, it's all about speed.

Come on! Oh...

She's on number six. This is it - this is extraordinary.

The very first person to do this.

We're all sharing a truly wonderful moment.

These Monkey Swings may take our dignity,

but they will never take our freedom!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh. I regret saying that now.

Oh, let's go to the leaderboard. Sorry!

Kamikaze Sam is top, followed very closely by Muddy Rhea in second

and Who's The Derrick in third.

Catherine the Ventriloquist in fourth.

Bhangra Johnny down to eighth, Angela from Alloa

is teetering on the brink in twelfth place. Just five competitors to go.

This is 28-year-old Marc,

armed only with some Bermuda shorts and tinted goggles.

Ooh - I'm not sure if he saw that one coming.

-OFFICIAL:

-Get back to the steps. Back to the steps.

I'm beginning to wonder if he can see ANYTHING.

Right, onto the second Heavy Bag Beam there.

He's made it onto the beam. Yes, he's there. Here we go.

This way! This way, this way...

-Oh!

-Took a colossal hit there.

I'm thinking maybe he should lose the tinted goggles.

He's not going to stop and do any welding en route, he needs them not.

Yes is, he's losing them! Oh. No, he's sticking with them!

Doing really well. Over there and... yeah, Sucker Punch.

Sucker Punch next, follow the noise.

I hope Marc can find his way there.

He'll hear them. He's just sort of running about.

How's he going to dodge them?!

Wow! Oh.

Oh dear. Just sort of walked off that.

Yeah.

Marc just using touch and smell now to find his way to the Big Balls.

Actually, not seeing these might help.

Scratch that - it didn't help. Didn't help.

-OFFICIAL:

-Marc, turn round. The Monkey Swing is behind you.

Yeah, wonder if he'll take the tinted goggles off now.

Come on, he's got to take them off now, surely!

I really don't think he can see through his goggles.

No, I don't! He can't!

-Can't see!

-Well, no...

-Take your goggles off.

It's your goggles, Marc! Take off the goggles. Come on. Come on.

I'll come back to Marc.

Two, three, four, five, six...

That is impressive. I had no idea Amanda could count that high.

Time to see three fit ladies in action.

Meet Jax, a 45-year-old personal trainer from Chippenham.

Then there's Gemma, a 24-year-old yoga enthusiast.

That's not yoga she's doing.

And Laura, a 39-year-old sales manager who claims she's as fit as a butcher's dog.

-I think I'm as fit as a butcher's dog!

-See?

Time to find out who's fittest as Gemma takes on the Bag Beam.

Oh, not bad. She almost touched the step.

Laura now.

Oh! She really did touch the step.

Let's see if Jax can do any better.

Little dodge, this is looking good...

Maybe not.

The Sucker Punch now.

And Jax takes an early bath.

Laura hanging on.

No. Muddy bath for her as well.

Gemma now.

They're all in the bath! Where's the soap?

Still neck and neck as Laura approaches the Big Balls.

She avoids the Motivator, but not the water.

Gemma now, approaching at speed.

But with the same result.

Can Jax deliver something different?

Ooh, yes she can.

Hello, could this be another golden moment?

No. No.

I really thought, just... OK.

71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76...

Amanda there - now on really big numbers.

Gemma on the Monkey Swing now.

And she's made it to the third...and straight off.

Come on, Laura.

Oh! Nice hands-free approach.

It was never going to work, was it?

Jax in a tangle...

And she's off too. So finally, 4:38 proves

that butchers' dogs probably aren't as fit as Laura thinks they are.

A time of 3:37 after 100 press-ups

proves that Press-Up Jax is the fittest -

although Yoga Gemma is quicker in 3:08.

Oh, it's Marc again. He's found the Monkey Swing.

I'll have to do the looking, because he can't see through those goggles.

There you go Marc, it's in front of you now. There.

Come on, Marc!

Well, this is incredible.

Make it to the next one.

Oh... He's taken the goggles off!

Oh, he's got no eyes! Oh, I s...

Oh, yes, they were just shut.

So, Marc takes one last look at the Qualifier before putting

the Goggles of Darkness back on and blindly swimming to the finish.

So close!

-OFFICIAL:

-Marc, watch out, there's a pole. Right in front of you.

-Which way?

-Go to the left, Marc.

The finish line is to the left.

Remember he's in the southern hemisphere -

maybe left and right are the other way round.

And so an epic reaches its climax,

as Tinted Marc completes the Qualifier in 5:18.

-About as long as Ben-Hur.

-Over here!

This is Noel - a champion pentathlete, a charity fundraiser, and a hip-hop dancer.

Is there nothing wrong with this guy?

Oh wait, hang on. Yeah, he's an investment banker.

If I don't exercise for two or three days, I feel like a bit of a fatty...

Growing up on a farm, bit of a country boy...

I then was talent-spotted, if you like, at university...

Shooting, fencing and horse riding...

..shortened volatility and hoping to ride this storm out...

HE BEATBOXES

I'm faster than Jensen Button, and I've got the luck of the Irish!

Oh, whatever. Anyway, Near Perfect Noel

is today's final challenger on the Sucker Punch.

Ooh, he's doing well,

looks like all his athletic attributes are useful here...

And he's across! Will Noel be able to add Big Ball Crosser

to his already irritatingly impressive CV?

No. Never mind!

SHE LAUGHS

Probably isn't any room left on his CV anyway.

Nobody has crossed the Monkey Swing all day,

so Near-Perfect Noel is today's last hope.

Confident start.

Ooh - slipped, but he's hanging on.

Somehow he's moving on.

An original strategy here.

Sliding along from swing to swing.

Nearly there now, nearly there.

Oh, is that a last-minute slip?

Yes! Noel defeats the Monkey Swing

and finishes in a superb time of 2:16. That was nearly perfect.

So the final leaderboard sees Near-Perfect Noel in first,

with Kamikaze Sam and Muddy Rhea heading up the muddy...rear.

Who's The Derrick finishes in fourth.

Smooth Paul in eighth.

And Press-Up Jax might be able to do a hundred press-ups,

but she's just scraped through in twelfth.

It's time to say goodbye to the valiant contestants who were sadly lost at sea.

Well, I say "at sea" - I mean in the Total Wipeout water.

Well, I say "water" - it's more overflow from the nearby chemical plant.

Now that's recycling!

# Eternal Father, strong to save

# Whose arm hath bound the restless wave

# Who bidd'st the mighty ocean deep...

# For those in peril on the sea. #

12 competitors have made it to the next round, and they now face an obstacle so large in scale

it's actually difficult to convey just how big it is.

To put it in perspective, it's as high as two medium-sized obstacles.

Or if you still can't picture it, it's the size of three small obstacles on top of each other.

Plus about...that.

That's right - it's Crash Mountain!

The 12 remaining competitors must dash to the centre podium.

In their way, two high-speed sweeper arms.

The first five to dodge them and make it to the middle

go through to the next round.

The rest will be left wet and red-faced on the losers' bench.

On podiums one, two and three,

it's Press-Up Jax, Kamikaze Sam, and Jailhouse Jules.

On four and five, it's Smooth Paul...

I am one smooth talker!

..and Near-Perfect Noel, the banker.

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do.

That explains the credit crunch.

On six, seven and eight, it's Yoga Gemma...

I've got the power, I've got the balance... and I'm going to wipe you out!

..Bhangra Johnny...

If you're going to be a bear, be a grizzly!

..and Ventriloquist Catherine.

My name is Catherine V Rock, and now the V stands for velocity!

I can still see your mouth moving.

On nine and ten, it's Take That Alfie...

Whoo...!

..and Who's The Derrick.

I've got rid of Chyna-Rose - I'm going to get rid of the rest, because I'm the best!

-And you're also...

-The daddy.

And finally, on eleven and twelve, it's Woo Hoo Wu...

Wu-wu-wu! Wu-wu-wu! Wu-wu-wu!

..and Muddy Rhea.

The only colour I'm seeing is red!

You won't like her when she's angry, trust me.

Get your boots on and strap yourselves in, it's Crash Mountain!

-Are you ready?

-ALL: Yeah!

That's a yes! Three, two...one!

KLAXON

So, off it goes. Who will be the first person to take the leap?

I'm not entirely sure what they're waiting for.

OK, let me rephrase - will anyone take the leap?

No, I can't do this!

Anyone?

This is really embarrassing.

-No time like the present!

-Come on, people, what are you waiting for?

Something of an anti-climax.

-Oh, at last!

-Yes!

Kamikaze Sam there, proving she's no chicken

with a bit of mid-air doggy paddle.

Bhangra Johnny now, showing us his moves...

Oh, it's Who's The Derrick!

Muddy Rhea now, taking an early dip. Who's next?

All of a sudden, everyone's up and running.

Oh - Yoga Gemma completely misses the bridge.

As does not-so Near-Perfect Noel.

Ventriloquist Catherine's first on.

She needs to get to her feet...

No. Let's just have another look.

Yeah, I definitely saw her mouth move. Had a sweeper arm in it.

After that, who would be foolhardy enough to make the dash?

It's going to take real bravery now.

It's Alfie!

Come on...!

-Take That Alfie took that...

-Oh!

..right on the bottom. Yeah.

Ouch!

Near-Perfect Noel...

Can he use his sporting ability to get all the way to the...

Oh!

For many reasons, that's gone wrong.

Oh! I think he didn't bruise the back of his left leg, but that's it.

Smooth Paul smoothly into the water.

Bhangra Johnny with exactly the same fall as last time.

Someone's got to make it, surely? Oh, it could be Derrick!

No! It really wasn't.

57-year-old Derrick the closest so far today,

he actually got his hands on...

Catherine now. She's got to get over that...

Oh!

I think desperation is now setting in.

That's Paul... That's gone wrong!

Oh, Kamikaze Sam making a run...

And just diving into the water.

Oh, he's on. First today to make it to the centre podium!

He's done it, that guy really is nearly perfect.

Near-Perfect Noel the first to the centre.

Derrick now, hot on Noel's heels, and he's made it!

Alfie now.

-Hasn't made it.

-He's the daddy! He's the daddy!

Jules now...

Yes! Jules the third to make it.

Can anyone join these three now?

Who will be next?

Ooh... Oh, it's Woo Hoo Wu.

A late charge there.

Just two places left. Who's going to make it?

Will it be Press-Up Jax? Kamikaze Sam? Smooth Paul?

Yoga Gemma? Bhangra Johnny? Catherine the Ventriloquist?

Take That Alfie? Woo Hoo Wu? Or Muddy Rhea?

Time to find out. It's crunch time.

Oh, no...

-Oh, not again.

-Come on, team! Focus!

Noel there, using his team management and leadership skills

to rally the troops.

I think they're all just knackered.

Oh...

Oh, here's Alfie! Come on!

Ooh... And I think...

Alfie's on. One place left now. Can Catherine grab it?

No, she can't. Neither can Gemma.

An incredible display of synchronised crashing

from Catherine AND Gemma together there.

Press-Up Jax edging along there.

She'll need to get to her feet.

She needs to get to her feet...

Oh, she has!

Yes, she has. And she is through.

Yes!

So, Noel, Derrick, Jules, Alfie and Jax progress to the next round.

But for the other seven competitors, it's the end of the road.

Some people like to say goodbye with a sad wave or perhaps a gentle, sorrowful embrace.

I, however, prefer to say my goodbyes via the medium of the montage.

I'm just not very tactile, I don't like all that huggy... Eeew!

Gutted. Just...

gutted.

I...just didn't have it, really.

It is ridiculously hard! I'm not even joking.

Every time you're just falling in the water.

Massively disappointed. MY kids should be going to Disney World.

I think Noel's the favourite.

I think he's going to get his hands on that trophy.

I'm going to root for Jackie, because she's ultra-fit.

So, go Jackie!

Let's just take a moment to think about those who never made it past Crash Mountain.

Bow your heads. Close your eyes.

Come on.

"Doing Dizzy Dummies.

"See you in pub 20 mins.

"LOL.

"XXX. R."

OK. You can open your eyes again now.

And now we need to whittle the remaining five down to three.

Without further ado, it's Dizzy Dummies.

The contestants will be spun in the Dizzy Dummy.

Confused and dizzy, they stumble over the revolving goal and traverse the Blob.

Last to the finish is eliminated.

They then do it again, but this time over the steppy stones. The last one across is out.

The two losers go home.

The other three will also go home, once they've had a go on the Wipeout Zone.

It's really windy out here today. Not that that's going to make any difference to this lot

once they get spun into oblivion.

It's Dizzy Dummies!

-Are you all ready?

-LONE VOICE: Yes!

No means yes where I come from. Three, two, one...

KLAXON

So, whilst these lucky five are spun for 40 seconds,

let's remind ourselves of who's still in the game...

He can do anything. But he's also a banker.

I'm faster than Jenson Button!

It's Near-Perfect Noel.

She's ripped. She's fit.

Well, cos she's a fitness coach. It's Press-Up Jax.

He's a 57-year-old trucking daddy. It's Who's The Derrick.

I'm the daddy!

She works in a jail. She's called Jules. It's Jailhouse Jules.

And even at this speed he still doesn't look like Robbie Williams -

it's Take That Alfie.

And they're off.

Well, Noel is off, the others struggling with the seat belts.

Near-Perfect Noel clambers over the goal, and here come the cavalry...

Ooh, this is getting messy now.

Noel is the first to the Blob.

Noel is then the first OFF the Blob.

Right, it's a better landing from Who's the Derrick.

But he doesn't stay on long either,

and neither does Alfie...

Noel again...

Oh.

Noel seemed to get swallowed by the Blob.

Hope it hasn't got teeth.

Right, here's Press-Up Jax. Come on.

No, she's off too.

Jailhouse Jules goes for it...

I'm spotting a pattern emerging. Anyone else?

Noel's back for more. Come on, come on...

Oh!

Derrick now, he's onto the final pontoon.

Make a jump. And he's there, surely...

Go on...

-Who's the daddy?

-Yes. Showing those whippersnappers how to do it.

Alfie now. Holding on for dear life...

Almost there.

And Take That Alfie has made it through.

-Come on, Jules.

-Yeah, come on, Jules.

-Noel is coming, so you might want to do it now.

-Yeah.

Oh, no...

Ooh! Dirty tactics from Not-So-Perfect Noel,

forcing Jules into a premature dismount...

..landing on her face.

Press-Up Jax, sensing an opportunity.

-Come on, Jax.

-And she's across the Blob and onto the first pontoon.

-How am I going to get across?

-You're going to need to jump.

Oh, Noel's coming again!

Oh, no, that's... Oh!

Sorry...

Far-From-Perfect Noel, re-read the rule book. Oh, there isn't one.

Oh, Noel, you naughty, naughty boy.

Jailhouse Jules still can't escape from Blobwood Scrubs...

Noel now. Let's hope he doesn't hurt anyone else...

Oh! Might have hurt himself! But he's through.

So, that not-so-perfect finish from Not-So-Perfect Noel

means there's just one place left.

Will it be Jax?

No.

-Mind the gap!

-Could it be Jules?

Mind the bigger gap.

That's still a no.

Last-ditch attempt from Jax.

This has got to be it.

Cos I'm hungry. And it's lunchtime.

I'm not, I've had an entire packet of custard creams.

Hallelujah!

Press-Up Jax has done it -

and Jailhouse Jules is out of the competition.

-You tried so hard.

-It was great.

But that final leap, I just...

It was so close, but... I need longer legs.

So, Near-Perfect Noel, Who's The Derrick, Take That Alfie and Press-Up Jax

are strapped back into the Dizzy Dummy for one final time.

They will have 40 seconds to...

relax, gather their thoughts,

plot their strategy, make some final last-minute tweaks...

-KLAXON

-..and maybe be sick a bit.

And round two begins.

Noel's straight off the blocks,

followed closely by Who's The Derrick and Press-Up Jax.

Alfie bringing up the rear there.

To the steppy stones...

Just these now standing in the way of a place in the Wipeout Zone.

Ooh... Come on.

Noel doing pretty well.

-Ooh, a little slip!

-Ooh, Noel!

Oh, Noel...!

Bit of a wobble. But he is looking good.

Can he make this last leap?

Not-So-Perfect Noel did that pretty perfectly,

but who will join him in the final?

Come on, Derrick, you can do it. You are the daddy.

Who's The Derrick heading the field.

Nearly there now,

nearly there.

And he's safely across.

-Who's the daddy?

-You're the daddy!

So it's all between Take That Alfie and Press-Up Jax.

Things not looking good for Jax.

Alfie just needs to hold on. He's almost there.

Is it all over for Jax?

-Yes, it is.

-Take that!

Alfie is through.

You were last out of the gate. That's pretty much all that went wrong.

I don't know, I think maybe I let the guys go ahead,

and I wasn't enough... I should have been a bit more tomboyish.

Big nasty boys, you didn't have a hope!

I know.

The Total Wipeout course has selected today's finalists.

Near-Perfect Noel, Who's The Derrick and Take That Alfie have

made it to the Wipeout Zone, the pinnacle of their existence to date.

That's a bit unfair, actually, one of them could be an astronaut.

Actually, Noel is an investment banker, so...yeah, the pinnacle of their existence to date.

I am so surprised that I've got to this point. I'm actually a bit emotional about it all.

I've completely shocked myself. Not expecting to be here.

I set my standards high. I did want to get through to the final,

but I'm quite pleased with my performance so far.

-I am unbelievably excited.

-I'm feeling pretty nervous.

I've got this far and it would be a shame to drop out in the last three.

So...focus.

-Noel's been the favourite from the start.

-He desperately wants to win.

Derrick's the one to watch, from my perspective.

He's been close behind me in a lot of the qualifying rounds.

He's got a goal, and he won't give up until he's reached that goal.

I'm going to do it. If I ain't got faith in myself, why should you?

Who's the daddy?

I'm the daddy. The number one daddy.

I am definitely going to be the front man.

I live by the motto of, the game is won before you step on the pitch.

If you don't believe you can win, what's the point?

Age to me is just a number. And it doesn't bother me.

I've come so far, I don't want to walk away with nothing now.

I would recommend the viewers put a sneaky little bet on me.

Put your money on the daddy. Big daddy's coming home!

Just watching all of that has tired me out. But I'm not a quitter.

Even though I am tired, I'm going to carry on watching the next bit through to the end, oh yes.

No pain, no gain. I'm going to watch the heck out of this next round.

Come on, Hammond, shift up a gear, it's the Wipeout Zone!

So this is what the three finalists will face.

Killer Surf. You fall down it.

Rapid Climb. You climb up it.

Then fall down it.

Balance Beam. You balance on it.

Then fall off it.

Crazy Sweeper. You run across it for a bit, and then fall off it.

Tarzan Swing. You swing...and then, well, you don't need me to tell you.

Then it's the end - and you might get one of these.

There's a buzz in the air, and I'm not talking about the mosquitoes.

It's another exciting Wipeout Zone, and the first to go is Alfie.

So, Alfie, the 25-year-old Robbie impersonator, is the first to go.

Let's have it!

Yeah, you're going to get it. And he's off.

Great landing there.

And now a quick swim to the Rapid Climb.

He's on...

And doing well, straight up.

He needs to get to the top in 10 seconds to avoid the tidal wave.

And he's now struggling. Oh, come on, Alfie.

Two, one... Oh, no, here comes the water!

Somehow he's managing to hold on.

Yeah. Probably a bit tired from all that effort,

but he's pressing on.

He's made it to the top.

Balance Beam is next.

The last thing Alfie wants to do here is lose his footing. Come on.

Ooh! Oh...

And he's made it across.

To the Crazy Sweeper, where timing is everything. He's going for it.

Going to pick his moment. Oh, no, he's slipped!

-And he's off.

-Oh, Alfie!

Couldn't hold on, and that's going to cost him dearly.

It's a swim and a climb now.

He really needs to make up some time.

CROWD CHANTS

He looks exhausted.

Has he got any power left in those arms

to get him over the Tarzan Swing? He's going for it...

Come on. He's on...

Oh, no!

That really was the last thing Alfie needed. Just in pieces now.

Come on, Alfie. One leap.

-Come on, Alfie.

-One leap and it's over.

And he's done it.

3:15. Not the fastest, but he's still in there with a chance.

Take That Alfie had a strong start until the tidal wave

took the wind out of his sails.

Not the best Wipeout Zone performance,

but will it be enough to net him £10,000?

You're shaking your head, what's wrong? Why are you so upset?

Awful. I fell off everything.

I'll put you out of your misery.

Your time tonight was 3:15,

-which really isn't that bad at all.

-Not too bad.

Not as bad as you thought. So, yours is the time to beat.

So next up is Derrick.

He may be 32 years older than Alfie, but he has been one of

-the strongest competitors all day.

-Who's the daddy?

It's Who's The Derrick.

Oh!

An awkward landing. Hope he hasn't put his back out.

So, 3:15 to beat.

Derrick makes his way to the Rapid Climb.

He has to pull himself up, a lot of upper body strength is needed here.

And he's got it, clearly. The 10 seconds begin, he's doing well.

Still moving up. This is going to be close, the seconds ticking away.

Walking up it!

And he's done it.

He was just a second away from a face full of water.

On to the Balance Beam now.

Grandfather of six Derrick has got to stick to that beam.

Doing very well.

I reckon one or two more steps and he'll be there...

Yeah, one final step and he's there.

And he is. Now it's a test of speed and timing on the Crazy Sweeper.

And he's just going for it.

Come on, Derrick, this is going to be close.

Oh!

He's being chased! I can't watch!

No...

Oh, no!

-Unbelievable.

-My God...

He held on. This is an incredible performance.

On to the Tarzan Swing, way ahead of Alfie now.

Can he do this?

Yes, he can.

What is this man made of? Nearly there.

Oh!

And what a finish.

And a time of 1:58.

-Who's the daddy?

-I'll say you are!

That was an incredible performance from Derrick -

1:17 faster than Take That Alfie.

It's time for Amanda to break the news.

You walked around that. You don't even seem out of breath.

I am now! First class.

-Pleased with your performance?

-100%, yeah.

Alfie was wonderful tonight, he did that course in relatively good time.

Derrick - you're still the daddy, though, you were faster.

-Yes! The daddy's home!

-Alfie, I'm sorry.

-Alfie, go join the others.

-The daddy's home!

Do you know what this means?

It means this is between you and Noel. 50-50 chance of winning this tonight, Derrick.

That's good enough for me.

Let's watch Noel.

So, can Near-Perfect Noel beat Derrick's near-perfect run?

This...is it.

It's time to find out.

22-year-old Noel is a pentathlete, which should give him an advantage

over a 57-year-old grandfather of six.

He's in the water.

The Rapid Climb first.

And he's on.

So the clock is started as soon as he's on.

10 seconds, remember, before the tidal wave.

Ooh, he's taken a slip!

He's struggling!

Two, one...

Oh, no - here it comes.

Can Noel hold on?

The force of the water pushing him down.

But he's done it, he's still on the Rapid Climb.

No... Oh, that's good for me.

Derrick urging Noel to slip,

but he's made it up to the Balance Beam. There he is.

Take your time! You've got plenty time, slow up!

Noel really is going to have to pull something special out of the bag.

He really can't afford a single slip.

He's made it to The Crazy Sweeper,

but he's going to have to be really quick now.

And that's not going to do it, is it? What's he doing?

He's just throwing away any chances here.

Come on, Noel, get up! We've just watched a 57-year-old grandfather

outrun that beam, and you're slithering about on your belly.

Come on!

Come on...

Go on, Noel, take your time, mate. You've got all night!

Sadly for him, his challenge is as good as over now.

It's a good swing, no problems for Noel. Just the finish podium now.

And he's there. 2:30.

So much promise from Near-Perfect Noel, but he finished

a far-from-perfect 32 seconds behind Derrick.

He doesn't know that yet, and it's time for him to find out.

That was absolutely brilliant. How are you feeling?

Good, yeah. Really happy, thank you.

You've been so determined today, and so fantastic. You've been the frontrunner all day.

Tonight, Derrick, we were wondering if we were going to have our oldest winner on Total Wipeout at 57.

Noel, I can tell you now, you were fantastic -

but you are still the daddy, Derrick! You are the Total Wipeout champion!

Daddy's home to stay!

I warned you...

Congratulations to Derrick from Sidcup, who's bagged himself £10,000.

He's also bagged himself a place in the Total Wipeout final,

along with Alfie and Noel...

..where the best of the best battle for the ultimate title, the Champion of Champions.

Join me next time, as I continue the search to find more potential champions. People like this.

MUSIC: "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson

And this.

From Amanda and me, goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]