Episode 4 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, South America, not a safe place to be if you're a cow.

Or one of these 20 brave Brits, including an accountant, a chocolate-factory worker

and a beekeeper, who have travelled across the globe to tackle

an obstacle course unlike any other, mostly because nobody else has been stupid enough to build one.

There can be only one winner, which leaves an awful lot of losers.

Let the bruising begin.

Hello, and welcome to Total Wipeout.

A lot of excitement tonight, because it is the non-celebrity special!

Yep, unlike every other show on TV, tonight's episode will contain

no celebrities, no EastEnders actors or ex-Sugababes. Not one.

There are no celebrities here, just good, honest, hard-working folk.

And me. So, what's in store for tonight's non-celebrities?

Well, it's lucky I asked, because I'm about to tell me.

The Qualifier, the starter.

Crash Mountain, main course.

Dizzy Dummies, dessert.

The Wipeout Zone, a course that's really difficult

and is only eaten by three people, but one of them wins ten grand.

I think that's everything you need to know. Ooh, one other thing.

In the unlikely event of a fire in the studio, I will be running

straight through that door over there. OK?

Good. Let's get on with the fun stuff.

My co-host, Amanda Byram, is at the top of the course with today's first competitor.

Meet 23-year-old Jemma from Bristol.

You look really fit. You're very lithe, you've got a great body.

What do you actually do to keep in shape?

I do laughter classes.

Erm, that's a lesson, yeah.

-So you learn how to laugh?

-Yeah.

In the classes, the grand finale of it is that you've got to lie on the

floor and pretend you're a sausage sizzling in a pan!

This is for all those West Country girls who sound like me but don't have a farm or any cows!

Ooh-ar! Let's go!

I'm confused. She's off.

Jemma is a store planner for a chain of shoe shops, so she gets to decide

which shoe goes where, a key skill when tackling the Qualifier.

Or when she's just walking.

OK, looking calm and collected as she approaches the first obstacle.

Yeah, well, this looks easy enough. Contestants run from A to B to C

via the red tips of those piano keys without falling into the mud.

All sounds quite straightforward to me. It's hardly the...

Oh, no, hang on, was that meant to happen, or has Jemma broken it?

Oh, I see, some of the keys fall away, and no-one knows which ones they are.

That's why they call it the Crazy Keyboard. I was wondering.

Right, she's off again. Remember, only the fastest 12 competitors can get through to the next round.

So come on, Jemma. Er, this may be not as easy as it looks.

Ow. It's real pain. The Sucker Punch comes next, and in case you haven't seen Total Wipeout before

or just have a six-day memory, the secret here

is to get across that narrow ledge without being, er, knocked in.

That was no laughing matter.

22 pummelling fists have no sense of humour.

Onto the Big Balls now.

The Motivator is on hand to help Jemma, should she need it.

Has that thought wiped the smile off her face?

Yeah, that's definitely a grimace.

-Let's go!

-Yeah, let's go.

One, two...

Oh...

Jolly Jemma makes like a sizzling sausage.

A really muddy one bouncing off a huge inflatable ball.

Only the fastest 12 qualifiers go through to the next round, so Jemma needs to get a wiggle on.

Now she must tackle the final obstacle.

The Argentineans have created this, the Swing Thing.

# Swing Thing, Swing Thing

# See how far you go. #

Yeah... Will Jolly Jemma have the last laugh?

It's a good swing.

Jemma's forgotten the golden rule of comedy.

Timing.

Yeah. Jolly Jemma finishes in a time of 3 minutes 54 seconds.

Will that be fast enough to ensure a top-12 finish?

It was not funny! Ha-ha-ha!

Hee hee hee?

A-ha ha ha!

Following in Jemma's jolly little footsteps is 47-year-old Paul from London.

So, Paul, can you describe yourself for me?

I'd say flamboyant, witty...

-You're tall.

-..humorous.

-I'd say I'm not one in the million, just a one.

-Just say you're tall.

-Ooh! Oh, you're confident, then, are you?

-Tall!

-Well, can you blame me?

-Really tall!

Yeah, you'd have to be confident if you're going to dress

from head to toe in gaudy yellow, that's for definite.

I don't think Amanda's impressed.

-Oh, that is impressive!

-Whoo!

Paul is one of those audiovisual technicians

who's also a part-time aerobics instructor.

Come on, we all know one.

Will that help him across those Crazy Keys, though?

Ooh, he's going to make it!

No. No, he's not.

Ooh, look at that reaction.

Tall Paul should have just stepped over those last few keys, but yeah...

# Flashback! #

-It is harder than it looks, that one.

-Come on!

Tall Paul's Balls now.

Ooh, it's the Motivator!

Ooh, he did well to avoid that Motivator. But not the water.

He probably should have let it hit him. He might have gone further.

Sympathy, of course, Amanda's middle name.

I think perhaps her parents were being ironic when they named her that.

One small step for Paul now and he'll be across the Swing Thing.

And that's trademarked. Ooh, he's done it, he's made it to the Cradle.

Come on, now, Paul, it's not over yet. One last step. Yes!

Yes, what a finish.

Paul posts a time of 4 minutes and 6 seconds. That was impressive.

I'll bet he's got something to say about a finish like that.

LAUGHS

Maybe not. Next it's the turn of 21-year-old

Oxford University student Amy, and she's studying physics.

Oh, I think she just split the atom.

This is for all the fit physicists.

Come on!

What? Now, can Brainy Amy beat the Crazy Keys with science?

Here we go.

Oh, no, gravity treats physicists just the same.

It's always those last few keys.

They think they're home and dry, and then that happens.

Right, onto the second set.

This'll go better, I know it will.

Oh, well held.

Could Brainy Amy be the first...

That's the first two terms of lectures well and truly erased.

Yep, once it's collapsed there's no way out.

WESTMINSTER CHIMES

Ooh, there you go.

Lovely. Onto the Sucker Punch now.

Well, if force equals mass times acceleration,

each of those gloves weighs about two kilograms...

Just don't get punched in the mush. Ah...

Brainy Amy is using her brain to get across the Sucker Punch.

Well, it's working. She's done it!

Incredible! The first competitor today to clear the Sucker Punch.

Now, Amy at the Swing Thing.

She's postulating, she's theorising, she's calculating...

And here she goes.

And she's got it exactly wrong.

What happened to her big brain?

OK, well, she goes for the dismount.

SCREAMS

Little scream and into the lagoon.

"Lagoon" sounds so much nicer, doesn't it, than "pond"?

Still, Brainy Amy comes home in a very respectable 3 minutes 32.

Next up is 26-year-old editorial co-ordinator Rachel.

My name's Rachel Love. I'm ready to rock this course!

OK! It's the Crazy Keys first.

Good, good, good, good, good, good...

Bad. Really bad for Love-Heart Rachel.

So near yet so far downwards into muddy Argentinean bog water.

It really is poetry in motion.

MUSIC: WALTZ FROM THE BLUE DANUBE BY J STRAUSS

Rachel finally completes the Qualifier in 3 minutes 44.

25-year-old accountant Dan is here to show that there's more to

accountancy than mindlessly shifting numbers from one column to another.

It's so exciting, isn't it?

Everyone wants to be an accountant, don't they? It's great! I love it!

Yeah, there's more to it than just counting numbers, y'know, so... Yeah, just...

Well done, Dan, point proven.

Let's count how many Keys he falls off.

-I don't know.

-Ouch.

Yeah, ouch. That's one, two... Two.

Can I be an accountant now, Dan?

MUSIC: PERFECT DAY BY LOU REED

Yeah, you do know it still hurts them

even if we slow it down and play a relaxing song, don't you?

Right, onto the second set.

He's... Ooh, he's down, but he's... Oh, he's down. Yeah.

It all adds up to a perfectly executed fall.

Onto the Sucker Punch. Don't bother counting the fists, I'll just tell you.

There are 22 of them, and that is one scary number.

He's onto the ledge,

ripping and... Oh, dear! Down for the count.

Right in the jaw. One, two, three...

Ah, I'll stop it. I will stop it.

Dan Dan the Numbers Man needs to get his angles just right now.

OK, here he goes on the Swing Thing. Yeah...

That was monumental.

Yeah. Something failed somewhere.

A lot of falls from Dan Dan the Numbers Man.

Will his time of 4 minutes and 5 seconds get him into the top 12?

Yes! Whoo!

If there's one thing I'd like to do more of on this show, it's dancing.

I love dancing. And I'm brilliant at it.

I would show you, but unfortunately, I've left my leotard at home.

There is currently a debate raging in the dancing underworld -

which is best, Highland dancing or street dancing?

Well, these next two competitors should answer that age-old dance question once and for all.

That's Courtney on the left and Amanda on the right.

21-year-old Courtney is a street dancer from Kent,

and 39-year-old Amanda is a Highland-dancing champion from Corby.

Together, they are, well, Courtney and Amanda.

Whoo! You've got to be in it to win it!

You can fling me high, you can fling me low, but I'm here to give it a go!

That's Highland Amanda off first. Ouch!

Closely followed by Street Courtney.

There's no dignity available there. Just get on with it.

Highland Amanda's at the Keys.

She's represented by the little kilt at the bottom of the screen.

Oh, no! Oh, dear, she's in.

# You should be dancin', yeah! #

Being nimble on her feet should help Courtney here. Yep. No!

# I'm never going to dance again. #

As well as being a dancer, Courtney's also a massage therapist,

so she'll know the names of all the muscles she's just pulled there.

It's neck and neck, well,

shoe and kilt as Amanda reaches the Sucker Punch.

Doing very well.

Looking good. Yes...

She's going to make it. Yes!

The Big Balls now for Amanda.

Oh. Not so good.

Courtney arrives at the Sucker Punch and disembarks immediately.

This is rapidly becoming a one-horse race, although I don't mean either of these women look like horses.

Obviously, I didn't say that.

Highland Amanda has raced ahead to the Swing Thing...

..and raced straight into the water.

Can Street Courtney retain some street cred with a good final swing?

No. No, she can't.

Highland Amanda poses a time of 3 minutes 28

and does the Highland chicken.

While Courtney drags her street feet and gets 3 minute 51.

# Your tiger feet. #

Next to go is 37-year-old Joe from Lanark, and he's oozing confidence if not basic balancing skills.

So, Joe, do you think you've got what it takes to win Total Wipeout?

# I'm the master, watch me compete

# Nobody can beat me at all. #

OK, let's take that as a yes.

Can Joe master the Crazy Keys?

Oh...

Argh!

Not exactly, although if I could, I'd award points for that dismount.

It was a lovely fluid motion as he rolls down and round.

It's almost balletic in a very, very odd sort of way.

Masterful Joe's currently hovering between master and disaster.

Yeah, more of a disaster.

Oh, much more. That's the wrong way, Joe. Over here.

Having found his way out of the mud, Joe finishes in a time of 4 min 30

and takes his place on today's first leader board, which looks like this.

That's an all-female top five.

So far, everyone's made it into the top 12.

That's because only eight competitors have had a go.

With 12 still yet to tackle the qualifier, I'm on the edge of

my seat, primarily because it's very uncomfortable - actually, they're refusing to give me a cushion -

but also because the competition's hotting up.

Though, if pushed, I'd say it's mainly the cushion thing.

This is 42-year-old Geraldine from Northern Ireland.

She's a world champion athlete with superhuman powers...

-May the G-force be with me.

-..sort of.

Yeah, what is going on here?

Very impressive.

Geraldine has medals in heptathlon, pole vault, javelin. This girl is gonna be good.

I wonder if her medals will be any use on the Crazy Keys... Oh, nearly.

Oh, sadly not.

She's like a comic-book hero.

Yeah, G-Force Geraldine on the second set now.

A better start this time.

That looked painful.

But somehow Geraldine stays up there, and she is going to make it.

-She's across, the first today.

-Yes!

-Yes. Was that meant to happen?

Sucker Punch now.

What's she got up her sleeve?

Yeah, goggles. I'm sure that'll help.

Super Geraldine!

Yeah, G-Force is storming across, completely unflustered.

And she's made it. This is looking good.

Can Geraldine add a Big Balls gold medal to her impressive stash?

I'd love it if she made it. Here we go.

-One, two...

-Ooh!

-..three...

No gold medal for beating the Big Balls, but a silver medal for style.

G-Force Geraldine storms the Qualifier

in 2 minutes 40, the fastest today.

This is 37-year-old Julie from Clydebank, and she's been having quite a day.

In fact, she's just thrown in the towel. She's had enough.

It all started so well.

I say "well". Wobbly is probably closer to the truth.

And slippery.

Yeah, and quite bumpy.

But she was having a great time.

Probably.

She gave it her best, and that's all that counts.

She quit while she was ahead-ish.

Luckily for Julie, she got to press the flesh with Eduardo and Little Eduardo.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Steve from Redcar, who is our oldest contestant today.

Steve! So, are you put off by the young ones?

No, definitely not put off. I think they're in for a bit of a shock.

Remember, even the tallest man's got to bow when the roof is low.

What?

This is for all the over-50s! Yeah!

Yeah, wise words there from Steve, the Prophet of Tyneside,

who's responsible for health and safety at Redcar College.

Ooh, I wonder what he'd say of the health and safety of that.

Clearly, that's just a comedy fall waiting to happen.

And it did.

Steve is not the only one to have struggled with the Crazy Keyboard today.

They might look like a harmless set of giant piano keys,

but they're actually railway sleepers pinched from an Argentinean siding

and wrapped in tissue paper for safety.

Can 28-year-old legal executive Michelle handle the Crazy Keys?

Oh... Ah... No.

That's an absolutely hilarious, "Clearly, no".

How about 33-year-old NHS officer Louise?

She looks like a light-footed lady.

Not that gravity much cares, really.

Now, get ready to rock, because next to go is 38-year-old music tutor Ewan from Devon,

who, in his spare time, is the singer in an AC/DC tribute band.

HE SPEAKS SPANISH

Trying to woo the Qualifier in its native tongue won't help, Ewan.

I don't know what that was.

Will Ewan rock these Balls, or roll off them?

Kind of roll off them is more what he did.

Ewan, though, is such a pro.

This is exactly how a heavy rocker would have fallen off the Balls.

Maybe. Maybe not in those shorts.

A time of 3 minutes 11 puts Ewan safely in the top 12 -

what you might call an AC/DC-ent effort.

I wouldn't call it that, but you might.

Next to go is 28-year-old Barnaby from London.

He's a beekeeper and looks after nearly half a million bees.

Ooh, think of all that honey.

Personally, I'm more of a jam man myself, but... Anyway, I digress.

It's the Crazy Keys first, and...

Oh, nearly!

-Oh!

-Now, that's no way to "beehive".

Yeah, that's got to sting. I'm sure Barnaby is used to that.

The Big Balls now for Barnaby.

He makes his way up to the ever-stationary Motivator.

Budget well spent there...

Maybe this time it'll be used.

No, he's off.

Ooh, and that's not going to help his time one little bit.

Come on, Barnaby.

Onto the Swing Thing, and he pauses to evaluate the challenge...

and gets absolutely nowhere near.

But Bumbling Barnaby finishes in a pretty respectable 3 minutes 41.

I didn't quite fly, but yeah!

15 now broken and burnt-out competitors have so far taken on the Qualifier,

which means there are five fresh-faced challengers yet to become broken and burnt-out.

Which of them can squeeze into the top 12 qualifiers?

Could it be 47-year-old Muz from Essex?

He calls himself the Mad Turk.

This is because he has Turkish parentage and, well, you figure it out.

Muz, how are you doing?

Very well. Very super-fit and ready for today. I'm the next level!

-How do you think you're going to do?

-100%. I'm a winner.

-I'm taking the trophy home.

-You're a bit confident.

-Do you normally win everything that you do?

-I'm a perfectionist.

I am the man! I am the man!

Yeah, well, he is confident, certainly.

How will Muz the Man deal with the Total Wipeout Balls?

Not so well.

Muz misses the first and goes headlong into that second Ball.

Yeah. He's peeled himself off that Ball

and now attempts the Swing Thing.

Oh. Perhaps he shouldn't have bothered.

Muz the Man finishes in a time of 3 minutes 49,

which has shut him up...

thankfully.

Like evidence from a crime scene, I've got this course bagged and tagged.

My detective work tells me that this is 29-year-old

crime scene investigator James from Bristol.

You don't need to be a detective to work out that that was probably quite painful. Ow!

Crime Scene James is a big believer in karma,

so let's see what his performance over the Qualifier

says about his previous behaviour.

Oh, must have done some very bad things.

James dances across... Oh!

Falls, but manages to hang on.

And he's across.

Well done, James.

Time for Crime Scene James to be investigated by the Sucker Punch.

He's on...

And it's looking good so far.

He's made it!

This is shaping up to be a very good run from Crime Scene James.

The Big Balls now.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Let's do a quick autopsy on that attempt.

Victim shows lack of co-ordination.

Cause of fall, a deadly cocktail of Big Red Balls and gravity.

James tamed the Sucker Punch

and I'm hoping he'll do the same with the Swing Thing.

Sometimes I'm just way too hopeful.

He was doing so well!

But Crime Scene James finishes with a time of 2 minutes 17.

Is that the best of the day? Yes, it is. Mystery solved.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by JP, who's a student from Aylesbury.

Please tell me that you're not one of those students

-who locks himself at home all day, closes the curtains, eats pizza and plays computer games.

-Pretty much.

That is pretty much all I do. It's great.

Yeah, well, playing computer games really is no preparation for Total Wipeout.

What's this? His warm-up?

Player 2, insert another coin, but it's Player 1 at the controls.

You can have the strongest thumbs in the world and they won't help.

Neither will the ability to slay dragons and robot overlords.

It's no use. Right, he's onto the Crazy Keys first.

Not a keyboard, just actual keys. Will it... Yes...

Computer skills no help there at all.

OK, JP, let's press on.

Yeah, your helicopter would help here,

but that's not a real one you use, it's just a game.

And you're all wet. And that's real water!

Yeah, it actually hurts for real.

So there you go, kids - lesson learnt.

Don't spend all day on the sofa playing computer games.

Get out and do something active in the real world.

But please do carry on watching television, obviously,

or I'll be on the dole. That's quite important.

A final failure on the Swing Thing, and that's that.

Time for another victim. Who's next?

Do you think you can win Total Wipeout, Chris?

Pain is temporary, pride is forever, and no-one remembers second place.

By the power of chocolates!

35-year-old Chris from Birmingham

said that because he works in a chocolate factory.

Brilliant, a real-life Willy Wonka!

No pain, no pain...

Let's hope so, Chris.

Oh, this looks good!

But no, Chris takes an early swim in the chocolate river.

Lots of pain...

Yeah, but Chris, pain is only temporary, remember?

You said that.

As part of his training,

Chris eats six bars of chocolate a day instead of eight.

-Let's see what you've got, Big Balls.

-That's a sacrifice.

Yeah!

Ooh, dear.

A little bit more Willy Wonky than Willy Wonka.

No pain...

That's right, no pain. Well, not for us, we're just watching.

You're doing it. Goggles on, prepare for launch

on the Swing Thing.

And he's made it!

Just one small jump left off the Cradle.

Come on!

Ooh, yes, great finish from Chocolate-Coated Chris

-in a time of 2 minutes 59.

-Yeah, baby!

Fight the pain, get through.

Just keep going. No pain.

But I did feel lots of pain.

It's a pain theme with Chris.

Today's final contender is 29-year-old community safety officer Lisa,

and I'm not sure those goggles are standard issue.

So, what kind of skills have you got going on, then, Lisa?

Erm...

Erm...

Not a great deal, actually!

No, what she actually means is she's got too many skills to mention.

Oh, the Motivator is released once again. Just misses.

Lisa's other skills include smearing mud on rubber balls,

splashing, and narrowly avoiding giant foam pendulums.

All came in more useful than ever she imagined they might.

And they're all still skills, Lisa.

Onto the Swing Thing now.

Unfortunately, Lisa's skills do not extend to trapeze work

or getting onto foam swings. Well, swinging's a skill.

You can probably get a degree in it somewhere.

Oh!

OK, apparently we are in danger of delaying the ten o'clock news,

so we'll leave Lisa and her skills dangling.

The final leaderboard looks like this.

So, they started as 20, but now only 12 remain,

which means it's time to bid farewell to the eight gallant losers.

SAD PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Come on, can't the music be a little bit more cheery?

We should be celebrating their dismal and abject failure.

-MUSIC: "Let Your Love Flow"

-Thank you.

# There's a reason

# For the sunshiny sky

# And there's a reason

# Why I'm feeling so high

# Must be the season

# When that love light shines all around us

# Just let your love flow Like a mountain stream

# And let your love grow

# With the smallest of dreams

# And let your love show

# And you'll know what I mean

# It's the season... #

Fuse the awe of Everest,

the mechanical intricacies of a Swiss watch

and the practicality of a kitchen spatula

and you end up with Crash Mountain.

The competitors must leap from their podiums onto the rotating spoon

and make their way to the middle without being knocked off by the spinning watch hands.

Each time they fall in, it's a swim and a climb back up their podiums for another try.

The first five across go through to the next round. Easy.

On podiums one, two and three,

it's the Prophet of Tyneside,

Brainy Amy,

and Crime Scene James.

All the evidence points to me winning this one.

On four, five, six and seven, it's Rock On Ewan,

Chocolate-Coated Chris,

Jolly Jemma,

-and Muz the Man.

-A-G, A-G-R, A-G-R-O, aggro!

The Mad Turk is ready to go!

He's still confident.

On podiums eight and nine,

it's G-Force Geraldine

and Bumbling Barnaby.

-Yeah.

-Make an effort, Barnaby.

And on podiums 10, 11 and 12,

-it's Street Courtney...

-Come on and spin it!

I'm in it to win it!

..Love-Heart Rachel...

and Highland Amanda.

I always knew I belonged on a pedestal.

Yep, and you're probably about to be knocked off one.

So, 12 stand, but only 5 will remain, each one step closer to winning that £10,000 prize.

Strap yourselves in. If you've had seat belts fitted to your sofa, that is.

This is going to be good.

12 contestants left.

The tension's mounting on Crash Mountain. Are you ready?

-Yeah!

-Ooh, I think so.

Three, two, one!

Start the spatula.

So, who will be the first brave soul to attempt Crash Mountain?

They're all tempted, but no.

Oh, it's G-Force Geraldine, and she's straight in the water.

Couldn't have timed that worse.

Right into the sweeper arm.

Jolly Jemma's next, ducking below the arm.

You need to get up again, Jemma. You've got to get up.

Oh, no. Maybe not, then.

Jemma tries to stand up but is completely taken out.

It's all in the timing.

Love-Heart Rachel steps out now...

-Wipeout!

-..and straight into the flying sweeper arm.

Rock On Ewan decides to give it a go.

The Prophet of Tyneside has a go.

Go on, Steve!

Tried to jump the sweeping arm.

Good effort. Not much of a prophet, though, Steve.

You didn't see that one coming.

Crime Scene James now has a dash for it.

That was close.

Brainy Amy's next on. She's ducked the sweeper arm.

Oh, she walked straight into it that time.

Amy might be an Oxford University brainbox, but that wasn't very clever.

Street Courtney has a go. She's up and...

Oh, so close!

Still no-one's made it across.

Jemma now on the bridge again.

Off the bridge again.

Don't forget, only the first five onto the middle will make it through to Dizzy Dummies.

Y'know, some time soon these guys will actually learn to dodge the sweeper arm.

-Oh, Muz the Man is on, and he's made it!

-Yes! Yes! Yes!

I think he's possibly quite pleased about it, as well.

One well-timed charge.

Muz the Man makes it through to the Dizzy Dummies. Good for him.

What is Muz actually doing up there?

Doesn't help. Super-athlete Geraldine has another go.

Run! Run for your life!

She's slipped at the last minute.

Chocolate-Coated Chris has a dash, and is across too.

Muz up to his old tricks.

Yeah.

So, only three places left in the next round.

Amy's got her brain in gear and goes again.

-Come on, Amy!

-Here she goes. She's down.

The sweeper arm nearly cut her in half.

Street Courtney is on.

Come on, Courtney, you need to get up.

-Come on, Courtney!

-She's up. This is looking good.

Not looking so good.

Courtney abandoned her crawling strategy at the wrong moment.

G-Force Geraldine has yet another attempt.

Fingers crossed this time.

Come on, Geraldine!

Ah, fingers uncrossed. Well, she's distinctive in those shorts.

Hard to miss her, as proven by the sweeper arm, which certainly didn't miss.

Crime Scene James makes a jump.

-He's on the bridge. And he's made it!

-Yay!

So far, then, the only successful method has been the "run and hope for the best" approach.

Brainy Amy having another go. Clean landing, good dodging.

Can she make it to the middle?

Come on, Amy...

Yes, she can, with a little bit of help. She's on.

Yes!

One more place, gang.

So Muz, Chris, James and Amy are safely through.

The Prophet of Tyneside, Rock On Ewan, Jolly Jemma, G-Force Geraldine,

Bumbling Barnaby, Street Courtney, Love-Heart Rachel and Highland Amanda

are all fighting for the last place in the next round.

Barnaby's turn to have a go.

Needs to time this just right.

No. He forgot to avoid the sweeper arm

and it cost him that attempt.

Now the Prophet of Tyneside has a go.

Steve, you've got to get up.

You've got to get up. Courtney's jumped on too.

And Steve's fallen at the last moment. Can Courtney do any better?

Well, she's got the bridge to herself, but she needs to get on her dancing feet.

She's up.

She's down.

Street Courtney couldn't move her dancing feet quick enough and is levelled by the sweeper arm.

Highland Amanda's been biding her time, but now she strikes.

Watch out for the arm. Come on, get up.

Come on, Amanda!

Make your move.

Oh, she's actually hopped onto the sweeper arm.

That's unorthodox, but it's worked.

She's made it and joins Muz, Chris, James and Amy in the next round.

You know who I feel sorry for?

G-Force Geraldine.

What determination, what stamina and resilience, what tiny shorts.

She may not have got through to the next round, but she will always be a winner in my book.

God, if my wife ever finds that book...

Ooh, trouble.

Sorry. What were we doing?

I am gutted. My little feet didn't work as fast as they should.

'My legs were just shaking,'

and then the thoughts of making everybody proud... It just...

'went, though.'

I'm so proud I've got this far and managed to get through it.

Yeah, five more minutes,

I might have stood a chance, but it's a hard task.

'I want to see James win it'

because he's so shocked to be getting through all these rounds!

'I think it'd be great if he won.'

I can't believe Muz, he just zoomed over, completely dry.

'A bit of luck, that, I think!'

I want Amanda to crash down on Dizzy Dummies,

and no boys should help her. Amanda, grr!

As Oscar Wilde once said,

to lose seven contestants may be regarded as a misfortune,

to lose another two would give us enough contestants for the Wipeout Zone.

I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist.

There are two ways to lose those contestants.

One is to put them in an unlicensed minicab from Buenos Aires airport.

Every time. The other, surprisingly safer option, is to crank up the Dizzy Dummy.

The competitors start their journey of discovery in the Spinner.

They then make their way through this door, which is also spinning -

there's a pattern emerging here - before facing the Tippy Table Maze.

The last to cross is eliminated. Then it's back to the start to do it again.

This time sees the return of an old friend. I use the term "friend" loosely. It's the Doughnuts.

The last to cross goes home and the remaining three qualify for the Wipeout Zone.

Is it cruel to call somebody a Dizzy Dummy?

Not when there's £10,000 at stake!

Are you all ready?

Silence is golden. Three, two, one!

As the competitors try their best not to see their breakfast for the second time today,

let's take stock of who's still in the game.

-Oh, my God!

-Who's first?

It's headband-wearing chocolate factory worker...

-By the power of chocolate!

-..Chocolate-Coated Chris.

-Yes!

Then it's Oxford University student and all-round genius...

This is for all the fit physicists! Come on!

..Brainy Amy.

No way!

Then there's karma lover and today's fastest qualifier...

Like evidence from a crime scene, I've got this course bagged and tagged.

..Crime Scene James.

What is going on?

Next, the Scottish jigger and dancing queen...

You can fling me high, you can fling me low, but I'm here to give it a go!

..it's Highland Amanda.

-Finally, it's the Mad Turk and king of Crash Mountain...

-Yes!

..it's Muz the Man.

The spinner stops spinning. The competitors' heads keep spinning, and away they go.

Crime Scene James is out first, followed swiftly by Muz the Man,

who takes an early tumble, as does James.

But Muz now through the door...

..and first onto the Tippy Table Maze, which really sounds like a terrifying obstacle, doesn't it(!)

Muz moves swiftly onto the second Table,

but Chocolate-Coated Chris has had some sort of sugar rush

and come out of nowhere,

but is in the water.

Chris flies across, and does his best to avoid gravity, but gravity, as it tends to, wins.

As Chris swims back to the start, Muz hangs on for dear life.

And there's Amy, using her brain.

Oh, she knocked Muz right off!

It matters not, and Amy has crossed the line. She's safely through.

Not quite sure what Highland Amanda's been doing, but she's finally decided to join the fun,

with Chocolate-Coated Chris in hot pursuit.

Keep your chocolate-coated hands to yourself, Chris.

I'm sure after waiting all that time, Amanda will be chuffed to bits

that Chris tipped the Table, and made her fall in.

James goes again, whilst the others wait patiently in line.

Looks more like a Post Office queue than a competition.

"After you." "No, after you."

Muz has jumped on as well.

With Chris just behind.

What's James doing? Looking for evidence?

Muz the Man has just gone straight past him

and if Crime Scene James isn't careful,

Chocolate-Coated Chris will too.

James seems to have frozen.

He's just stuck. Here comes Chris.

Ooh, no, it was a bit hasty, and slowcoach James has been let off, for now.

Muz and James are still hanging on to that second Table

and don't look like they have any intention of moving off it. Come on!

Somebody make a move.

Muz has crossed the line.

I'm really pleased for him, though probably not as pleased as he is for himself.

While James has been admiring the scenery from that Table, Amanda's caught him.

No. No, she's fallen in.

Another let-off for James. Has his fabled karma kicked in at just the right time?

He just needs to get round that last section of the Maze and he'll be safe.

Come on, James, you can do it.

I think he's exhausted. He's just got nothing left in the tank.

James now taking so long that Chris has swum all the way back to the start, and caught him again.

-And Chris has made it across!

-Come on!

That means one of Crime Scene James or Highland Amanda

will be eliminated, and the way things are going, that could be James.

No, he's woken from his slumber and crossed the line...

..which means Highland Amanda is eliminated.

-What was it in the end that got you, do you think?

-Oh, sheer tiredness.

-It's so exhausting. And that Table there is just so light.

-I know.

-It just flips you.

-Oh!

-Oh!

Off they go once again, round and round and round, for what must seem like a lifetime.

When they finally stop spinning, they'll be facing the dreaded Doughnuts.

Or the trees. Or the cameraman.

Or their lunch. It all depends on how dizzy they are.

They're off.

And Brainy Amy is out first, and looking a little unsteady there.

What's Chocolate-Coated Chris up to? This way, Chris, over here. There you go.

Brainy Amy makes it through the door first, followed by Muz the Man and Crime Scene James.

Oh, Muz takes another tumble.

Seems to spend more time on the floor than on his feet.

He is back on his feet, though, and onto the first Doughnut.

Muz has been talking the talk all day.

Let's see if he can walk the walk. So far, so good.

Amy just behind there, on the first Doughnut.

Oh, no, Muz is in.

He couldn't walk the walk, so must now swim the swim all the way back to the start.

Oh, no, now Amy's slipped in. That wasn't very smart.

It's not as easy as it looks.

And that leaves a clear run for Chris, who makes it onto the second Doughnut.

And the third. This is looking good.

Go on!

Ooh... And he's made it!

Chocolate-Coated Chris is the first through to the Wipeout Zone today.

So, who's going to join him?

Crime Scene James looking good there, on the third Doughnut.

Seems to have found some energy from somewhere. Using up reserves now.

He's going to need that energy for this final jump.

Here he goes.

Yes!

Oh, no!

He's messed it up! What a doughnut. Will that be his last chance?

Well, there's Muz the Man,

who now has a chance to make up for his earlier mistake,

with Amy just behind.

Ooh, Muz safely now on the third Doughnut,

but Amy's fallen in just behind.

Just one leap to go. And he's made it.

Muz joins Chris in the Wipeout Zone.

A great performance there from Muz the Man, and no, I think he IS pleased about that.

So, only one place in the Wipeout Zone up for grabs.

Will it be Crime Scene James or Brainy Amy that takes it?

Well, it's James. He makes up the final three.

He can't believe it, and, quite frankly, neither can I.

Brainy Amy is eliminated.

My bouncy, brainy scientist! You're so bouncy and gymnasticky.

I thought you'd just do that in no time.

Yeah, unfortunately not.

So, it's the boys who make it through to today's Wipeout Zone

and the girls, Amanda and Amy, who lose out.

You see? Men are just better at spinning around and falling off foam obstacles.

Women are better at everything else.

The Wipeout Zone awaits Crime Scene James, Muz the Man and Chocolate-Coated Chris,

and it's been a very emotional journey for all three of them.

Well, not that emotional, but a bit emotional.

'I said I was the next level. I AM the next level.'

I said I'd get here, and I'm here.

'I've had an amazing journey. Getting here has been a hard slog.'

I'm just feeling rather proud of myself now.

'Facing the Wipeout Zone tonight, it's why I'm here,'

and I will be standing there at the end, victorious.

'Chris has got determination.'

Chris is hungry. He wants to win it.

James is a slippery snake, but I have no fear.

Nothing will get in my way.

I'm really shocked that I've got this far, because I'm quite clumsy, not particularly fit...

James's clumsiness is probably a disguise, but really, it's all a tactic.

I wouldn't be sitting here if I didn't want it, and I feel very confident.

So them two guys have got a lot to look out for.

Getting to the final stage means everything.

I don't want to come second, I don't want to come third.

First is all that matters.

And the last thing I won was probably my wife's hand in marriage,

and if I can get anywhere close to that tonight, then I will be very, very happy.

So, now the competition really is heating up.

Well, it's either that or I've picked up a virus.

I am feeling my glands a bit. Do I look ill to you? Pale?

Anyway, the competition.

Either Muz, Chris or James are about to win £10,000 and the title of Total Wipeout Champion.

But first, they must take on an obstacle course which has made grown men cry,

though a lot of that is to do with the chlorine levels in the water.

It's time for the Wipeout Zone.

Tonight, James, Muz and Chris must face Killer Surf -

yet to actually kill anyone.

Rapid Climb - Slow Climb, more like.

Balance Beam - or Fall Off Beam. Depends how it goes.

Crazy Sweeper - yeah, that really is crazy, actually.

Tarzan Swing - not officially endorsed by Tarzan.

And the Final Buzzer, which buzzes when you finish. That's how it works.

We've got all the ingredients for a dramatic final - fire, water, and three nervous contestants.

And the first to go is James.

So, will James, the crime scene investigator, solve the riddle of the Wipeout Zone?

HORN

Well, he's off down the bumpy Killer Surf.

And a pretty bumpy landing.

James was fastest in the Qualifier

and one of the strongest competitors all day,

and must now take on the Rapid Climb.

He needs to get up there as fast as he can. The clock is ticking.

He's on his feet.

And that flashing blue light

means James has ten seconds before the rapid is released.

-Not looking very steady. Oh, no, he's slipped!

-Hang on tight!

Here it comes.

James has literally been washed away.

He had no chance against that wall of water and that will cost him time.

But he's made it back onto Rapid Climb.

He's now making better progress.

James needs to put the pressure on Chris and Muz

by posting as fast a time as he can.

Well, he's made it to the top,

but he's already looking shattered and there's plenty more yet to come.

Balance Beam, for example.

James is 6 foot 4, so balancing could be quite a challenge for him.

Slow start.

In fact, he's using his height to good effect.

He's so tall, he can hold onto the wall

as he makes it round with his feet. Unorthodox, but it works.

He's done it! Well done, James.

Onto the Crazy Sweeper. This is really difficult.

James needs to pick his moment carefully,

which is exactly what he's done

and he's managed to avoid the Sweeper, just.

Come on, James, get up.

Get up! It's all in the timing, but you've got to keep moving.

He makes a dash for it.

He's doing very well.

-Go, James! Go, go, go, man!

-Yes!

Yes!

Oh, no! So nearly made it!

Inches from making it across, but being caught by that sweeper is really going to dent his time.

James has had to swim to the next obstacle,

costing him more valuable seconds,

and must now take on the Tarzan Swing.

This really isn't a great time from Crime Scene James

and he'll be pleased to know there's just one small jump left.

Oh, I'm exhausted just watching him!

Not fast, but he's done it.

Mistakes throughout made James' one of the slowest times so far this series, but he's made it round

and his time is now the one to beat.

We don't know what the others will do.

-It's pretty tough, isn't it?

-It's full-on.

That's full-on Wipeout.

Your time was 5 minutes and 18 seconds.

That's fine. I'm just happy to have completed it at all, so...

Second to go, it's Mr Confident, Muz the Man.

-Yeah!

-They spend a lot of time working on that shout-out,

practising and everything. Right, he's off!

Oh, interesting-looking landing there!

Remember, Muz doesn't know James' time

so he's got to concentrate on getting around the course

as quickly as he can.

First, Muz must face the Rapid Climb.

Were he to win today, at 47,

Muz would be the oldest Total Wipeout champion ever.

He's up on his feet, but now only has ten seconds

before the wall of freezing water heads his way.

Looks like he's just waiting for it. Come on, the clock is ticking!

You're going to get hit by it! Oh, no!

Oh, what's he doing?

Some contestants have claimed that being hit by those rapids

is like walking into a brick wall made of water.

He's back up, but the time is ticking.

He's taking it slowly,

which he can't really afford to do if he wants to set a good time.

But he has made it to the top.

The balance beam now.

Muz doesn't quite have the luxury of height as James did,

so how will he get on?

Well, he is on the beam.

But he's moving slowly.

His little feet won't reach the ground!

Slowly...

Oh! Looks like he didn't fancy it in the end.

So much time in the water has got to be sapping his strength.

Muz the Man looks like he just jumped straight off the balance beam.

After a swim and a climb

Muz must now test himself on the Crazy Sweeper.

Right now he's even slower than James,

whose time is suddenly not looking so bad.

But there could be a twist yet to come. Here he goes.

This is all about timing.

Timing your run, or crawl in Muz's case.

Is he shattered, or is this just his technique?

It might be the safest, but it's by no means the quickest.

This is hurting his time badly. He's barely halfway across.

What is he doing?

Muz needs to get a move on

and I'm not sure about this technique.

The longer he keeps it up, the more competitive James' time looks.

He's nearly at the end.

He's now got to get up and run across those podiums

whilst avoiding the sweeper.

There's no getting out of it, he's got to do it.

Get up, Muz!

Here he goes - yes, yes!

Oh, oh, oh...

Oh, no!

Oh!

He so nearly made it across, but the Crazy Sweeper hunted him down and knocked him in.

It's fair to say Muz is making a meal of this

and putting James right back in contention.

An exhausted Muz now climbs up to the Tarzan Swing.

He's outside James' time.

Will he have the strength to make the swing

and finish in style at least?

I'm afraid to say it's not looking likely right now.

Here he goes...

Well, no!

It was a small swing, but the style thing never happened.

And a spot of good old-fashioned rope burn for his troubles as well.

One more jump to go.

Muz has made it! It was tough.

He'll be disappointed with the time, but he made it!

Muz really didn't seem to have much luck in the Wipeout Zone today, but he certainly did have a lot of guts.

That was a determined round.

What was with the crawling across this obstacle?

I got a lump on my leg and I just couldn't lift my leg up to stand.

Muz, I'm afraid you just weren't fast enough tonight. Hard luck.

James, it's now between you and Chris, OK? Let's watch.

So, Chocolate-Coated Chris is the final competitor.

Come on!

Off he goes.

Chris, like James, has been at the front of the pack all day.

And with Muz showing how tricky the Wipeout Zone is,

this should be a tight contest.

Chris needs to beat 5 minutes 18

to be crowned champion,

but he has no idea of James' time, remember.

The Rapid Climb is first.

He's on his feet. Chris now has ten seconds to get up there,

otherwise he could be in trouble.

Come on, Chris! This is desperate now.

Oh, no!

Three out of three.

Yeah, that's not helping Chris' time.

Could James be in with a shout?

Second attempt now for Chris.

Making much better progress.

He's made it to the top.

It's neck-and-neck between Chris and James.

Onto the Balance Beam. Which tactic will Chris adopt?

He, too, has opted for the hanging-on-to-the-wall technique.

It's not pretty, but it is effective,

and it's keeping him within reach of James' time.

And he's made it across.

Well done, Chris. Still in with a shot here.

Onto the Crazy Sweeper. James failed here. Can Chris beat it?

This obstacle can wreck good times.

That was very close. Good judgment. Oh, but not that time!

Having avoided the Sweeper once, Chris thought he could do it again, but misjudged it.

It's a long, strength-sapping swim all the way to the Tarzan Swing,

and Chris has got to be getting tired now.

These guys have been pushing themselves

to the limit all day, remember.

James took so long on the Crazy Sweeper

that Chris is still within his time, even after that long swim.

So if Chris lands the Tarzan Swing,

he will be tonight's Total Wipeout champion.

He looks a bit tentative.

This is it. This is everything.

And here he goes... Yes, yes...

No, he's missed his landing!

He can just about afford that mistake and still beat James' time, as long as he makes this last jump.

Chris steadies himself. He jumps...

he's missed it!

He's got it now, and finishes in a time of 3 minutes 55 seconds,

which makes Chris tonight's Total Wipeout champion.

Despite a catalogue of errors from Chris, his was still a stronger performance than James'.

Some quick recoveries have ultimately won Chris tonight's competition, but he has no idea yet.

It's up to Amanda to break the news.

You played a bit of tag with the Sweeper thing.

You kept touching it.

I thought I was able to pass it, so it gave me more time to get round, but...

I'll tell you what, James was brilliant,

but you didn't need any more chocolate bars, because you were faster.

You are the Total Wipeout champion!

Well done!

Congratulations to a speechless Chris, the chocolate factory supply manager from Birmingham.

In true Wonka style, he wins the keys to the Total Wipeout factory

and a magical trip in a glass elevator. I'm joking, of course.

He wins ten grand and a trip in a normal, non-magical elevator.

Join me next time for shed-loads of this...

..a gazebo-ful of this...

..and a garage-load of this.

From Amanda and me, goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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