Episode 3 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, South America.

Still 7,000 miles from home.

20 fearless Brits, including a can-can teacher, a play supervisor

and a magistrate have travelled to Argentina to test their mettle on some rubber and foam.

19 will fall over a lot and fail,

but one will fall over a lot and succeed, and walk away with £10,000.

Let the games begin.

Welcome once again to the show that some people are calling the greatest TV programme on the planet.

Though admittedly those people all work for the BBC press department.

And they've just been fired.

Today, 20 fresh competitors will boldly go where approximately 400 Britons have gone before.

Time now to take a look at the course that some other people

are calling the most entertaining challenge known to mankind.

Thanks, Mum. Here is how it's going to work.

The Qualifier. El qualifico.

Crash Mountain.

El accidente de montagna.

Dizzy Dummies. El dummy de seriousio injurio.

And the grand finale, the Wipeout Zone.

El rondo de grande tragedea.

So, the course is ready, the competitors are ready and my co-host Amanda Byram's ready.

So as soon as I'M ready, we can get started.

Come on, Hammond. Get in the zone!

HE EXHALES

Yep, I'm ready. Let's go.

I'm joined at the top of the Qualifier by Kirsty from Northampton.

What do you do for fun?

For fun? I have a personal trainer and I also volunteer as a jog leader.

We go round the park, and I motivate everybody to come out jogging.

Well, on that note, Kirsty - jog on.

OK, I will do.

She's a leader. Should I follow her?

I've got three lions on my shirt, I've got two eyes on the prize and there's only one winner, baby.

It's England 1, Argentina 0!

Yeah - so Kirsty kicking off with a brilliant football analogy.

Let's hope she doesn't get thrashed, as her first obstacle today

is the brand-new Rake In The Face.

What does that mean, actually?

And Kirsty's off.

Can she make her way across the rakes?

No. No, she can't.

What Kirsty doesn't know

is some of the rakes aren't actually nailed down, and that slightly

underhand tactic makes the current score England 0, Argentina 1.

33-year-old Kirsty is a football development manager.

I think that means she blows up footballs.

Careful.

Game of two halves, these rakes. Now here's a chance to equa...lise.

Argentina 2, and a yellow card for diving.

She looks happy. I don't know why.

Bend It Like Kirsty takes the slower, more watery route

to the next obstacle.

Yes, it's old faithful, the Sucker Punch.

Kirsty needs to dodge 22 pneumatic boxing gloves. Here we go.

Time is of the essence to qualify for the next round.

Come on, Kirsty.

Good dodging.

Oh... Ow! Yeah.

That was dirty. Not so much the hand of God, more the fist of God.

That's 3-0.

That mud proving a tricky customer, as per usual.

Not as tricky as the next obstacle.

Yup - it's the Big Balls.

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

-Yeah... Yeah... Yeah...

OK, come on, that's enough now.

Stop that. Just... There we go.

Up the ramp, and a chance for Kirsty to show off her ball skills.

Flaming Nora! Oh my gosh...

Hang around too long, and this might happen.

Kind of encourages them to get a move on.

Yeah. Actually quite a good idea.

Here we go...

Ooh. She's on the second ball.

Come on, Kirsty. England might just make a comeback here.

Yes... Oh!

Oh - Kirsty so close to scoring, but as it stands,

it's England 0, Argentina 4.

Remember, the clock keeps ticking so Kirsty needs to be

as quick as she can getting over to the final obstacle.

-BOOMING VOICE:

-'The Cradles of Doom!'

That's just silly.

It is just a skip over the cradles

to the finish podium where the clock stops.

This would be easy if these were ordinary cradles, but they are...

'The Cradles of Doom!'

Who is that? It's just...

Kirsty's on to the first.

It's a late charge but can she score a consolation goal?

Come on, do it for the Three Lions...

Ooh...

So near. All she needs now is to jump on to the finish podium.

Come on, Kirsty...

Yes - on to the podium. Yes, yes...

Really no! Ever so no.

No. Looks like she's entered injury time.

Oh. That's England 0, Argentina 5.

After that thrashing, Kirsty climbs to the finish podium

in a time of 3:27.

-But will that be enough for her to qualify for the next round?

-Made it!

-You did.

-Yes!

The second contestant today is Total Wipeout's first-ever hobbit.

Playing for you today the air ukulele is Jack Bilbo Clayton.

# Bilbo Baggins, the bravest little hobbit of 'em all... #

-Is that really your real name?

-That is my actual name, yes.

It's on my passport, so it's official. That's my name.

Well...

"good luck, Precious".

I think that was a Gollum impression from Amanda. Yeah.

Voice was quite close.

OK, Bilbo's quest has begun.

Ooh. That is great work from our hairy hobbit friend.

Second set of rakes now.

Oh! He's found the loose one.

It looks like he took that right in the...in the precious.

Let's hope hobbits can swim.

Yes, they can.

The Sucker Punch now.

This should be nothing compared to fighting all those...elf things.

The Sucker Punch really warming up.

That one just missed his goblins.

Look at his little hobbit face.

In the mud.

Right. It's Big Ball time.

Come on. Live the dream. Come on.

Yeah, live the dream. Just do it quickly, that motivator's waiting.

Ooh, yes. Oh...

Not so much a dream... it's a nightmare.

Recurring nightmare. Again, and again...

Hobbits aren't good at that.

On to the Cradles. Bilbo well ahead of Kirsty at this point.

On to the first quite smoothly.

Harder than it looks, this. Must be. Looks quite easy.

Comfortably on to the second.

Just one more jump to complete the trilogy...

Come on Bilbo, this is all about timing.

-Oh, Bilbo.

-And...saving Middle Earth.

That's Mordor or something, I don't know.

Oh... No, that wasn't it.

Despite that clanger, Bilbo finishes in a time of 3:06,

which in hobbit time is about...seven days.

There's the air ukulele briefly again there.

Right, who's this? It's getting clearer...

Ah, yes, it's tarot card-reading Helen from Essex.

What do the cards predict for you today?

I shouldn't leave behind what is safe and secure

-in search of an impossible dream.

-Ooh.

That's just stuff.

# To dream the impossible dream... #

Helen ignoring the tarot cards, and she's staying on the rakes.

Found the loose one but stayed on.

# To fight the unbeatable foe... #

Fortune seems to be favouring Helen.

She's laughing in Fate's face.

And getting hit in the face with a rake.

Yeah.

# This is my quest... #

Properly in the face. Come on Helen, this is stirring stuff.

She seems to be making Destiny her own.

Even if the dream is impossible, it's not going to stop her...

I can't keep this stuff up.

On to the Sucker Punch.

Oh, that's bad luck.

Seven years' bad luck.

The impossible dream just got impossibler.

This man is wearing a mystical headband of illusion.

Look at my guns.

-You're allowed to touch.

-I'll pass.

This is Darren Brown. So, like his nearly-namesake, can Darren produce extraordinary illusions?

No. Probably not.

Any special skills you've got going on for out there?

I can't swim and I'm scared of heights, but...should be OK, I think.

Do you know what show this is?

# Illusion... #

My name's Darren Brown. And be under no illusion I'm going to wipe out this Wipeout course.

He must have seen a form or something.

Using his powers of foresight,

Darren knows exactly what's going to happen next.

No. He didn't foresee that particular rake.

Never mind. If, like his nearly namesake,

Darren can predict lottery numbers,

he can predict which one of these rakes is going to flip up.

Oh... Yeah, missed that one.

Ooh, no, he's lost his headband of illusion.

Yeah, if you look here, this is the moment of disaster.

Clean off.

He'd lost the headband.

I fear for him now, virtually powerless.

Without it, Darren returns to being an ordinary mortal like you or me.

Well - you, obviously.

He's back up. Let's see how he can do as a normal human being.

No. It's impossible. It's never going to work.

-Come on!

-Yes. I think I'll come back to Darren.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Chris, who's an events manager from Essex.

Chris, how do you feel about taking on the wrath of the Qualifier here today?

I'm a pro, so it shouldn't take too much problem at all.

Chris is a professional events manager. Phew -

there's nothing worse than an amateur events manager.

So let's see how he manages the Rake In The Face.

Oh!

Yeah.

Well done, Chris. Consider that event managed. Professionally.

Yeah - you see, an amateur would mess that up,

that bit where his head bent back and then he fell in the water.

Right, the Sucker Punch.

Let's hope Chris manages this as professionally as he did the rakes.

He's on. Yes....

Oh.

If you want your events managed this well,

I have a business card you can borrow.

It's a bit muddy, but...you can still read it.

(LAUGHS)

Right, back to Darren Brown and his missing headband of illusion.

-Come on...!

-Come on, man of illusion.

Can he cross the Big Balls with only his mortal powers? I think he can.

That's indigestion that face, it's not pain.

-Come on, Miranda.

-He's got a nickname for himself,

-I'm not so sure now.

-Come on...!

Ooh, I can't watch.

Watch out for the motivator. It's going to... OK, move!

Yeah. That's half a ball cleared.

Right, meet 39-year-old David, who is a massive fan of William Shakespeare.

See?

I have a passion for Shakespeare.

The Bard's words lift my heart.

Aaah... To qualify or not to qualify, David?

-That is the question.

-Indeed.

I dance, I run, I fall. I expect.

Was that The Clash?

# Boldly brave Sir Dave

# Rode forth to save the day

# He was not afraid

# Brave, brave Sir Dave

# He wasn't afraid of the scary rakes

# Or scuffing his elbow or smacking his face... #

Oh, Lord!

Oh, David.

There is a fine line between comedy and tragedy, and he crossed it then.

# Boldly brave Sir Dave

# Rode forth to save the day

# He was not afraid... #

Verily, brave Sir Dave doth look in need of a chest x-ray.

# He wasn't afraid of the scary rakes, of bursting his eyeball

# Or snapping his kneecap or stabbing his nostril

# Or scratching his finger or burning his... #

What would Shakespeare do now? Give up, I reckon.

The rakes are causing havoc today. None of the contestants know

which of them is loose and which is fixed -

so what's needed is someone who just goes for it.

Someone who doesn't think of the consequences. A real animal.

Could 20-year-old Sarah from Cumbria be that person?

Yeah. Yeah, she can be. Yeah.

I'm going to swim like an ostrich and run like a seal!

Hang on, did she just... Can we rewind that?

I'm going to swim like an ostrich and run like a seal!

Yeah, she did say swim like an ostrich and run like a seal.

That's a shame. She would be better running like an ostrich and...

OK, let's see what running like a seal looks like.

Oh. Right. That's why you hardly ever see them do it in the wild.

Let's go to the leaderboard.

Six runners have been through the Qualifier, 14 still to come.

And at the moment, brave, brave Sir Dave is in the lead,

followed very closely by Bilbo and high priestess Helen.

Sarah is fourth, Pro Chris is fifth

and Bend It Like Kirsty in danger of relegation.

Oh, look who it is. It's Darren Brown - I'd forgotten about him.

Darren no longer has his headband of illusion. But he's not giving up.

Come on, Darren!

Oh, yes. A fine sight.

To someone.

DRUM ROLL

Yes! He's on. He does look tired, though.

Let's just hope the rocking doesn't send him off to sleep.

Come on, Darren...

Come on. Come on...

No rush. No, opposite of that -

there's quite a lot of rush. Darren, there's a rush.

Rush. Come on...

DRUM ROLL

Oh.

I shouldn't have rushed him.

Darren makes it to the end with a time of 5:56.

I suspect he may not qualify with that, but he's a winner in my eyes.

How do you feel after that? Is that a silly question?

I'm er...ready for the final now, I think.

A bit of rest and recuperation, and I'll be there.

You lost your headband early on. I'm thinking that's where your powers lay.

That's where it went wrong. I need it to keep the hair out of my eyes.

I feel I should apologise for the poor form of today's competitors.

I won't, of course, cos it's not my fault, but I feel I should.

Is there no one who can tame the Qualifier today?

What's required here is someone incredible.

Someone amazing.

My name's Amy. You might spell it A-M-Y,

but I spell it A-mazing.

Wow, I love this! I just ask for stuff, and it appears. Brilliant.

Helicopter made of gold.

No? Nothing.

Probably wouldn't have worked anyway.

Here's Amazing Amy at the balls -

and by the looks of her, it's not been all that amazing up till now.

Here we go.

Oh! And that's more than made up for it.

It was magnificent.

A step, a slip, a flying V...and a splash.

A-mazing.

-Oh... It was amazing.

-Yeah.

My time must just have been amazing.

I was amazingly, er...

not very quick. That's the amazing part.

I would love to get to the next round. Amazing.

Oh, it was just an amazing experience.

Now, this is Danni from Blackburn. She's a figure skating champion.

I'm going to skate across this finish line.

Then there's Hannah from Runcorn.

She's won at Crufts. Obviously not her - her dog.

Let this dog...show YOU.

And this is Jonny from Bury.

Second place is first LOSER!

He won a drawing competition - when he was eight years old.

That's all right, I swam a width once. I got a certificate and everything.

So the burning question is can these three champions utilise

their unique skills to conquer the Total Wipeout course?

Or at least provide an entertaining montage? Let's find out.

# Oh, I got a sheet for my bed and a pillow for my head

# I got a pencil full of lead and some water for my throat

# I got buttons for my coat, sails on my boat

# So much more than I needed before

# I got money in the meter and a two-bar heater

# Now it's getting hotter, oh, it's only getting sweeter

# I got legs on my chairs and a head full of hair

# A pot and a pan and some shoes on my feet

# I got a shelf full of books, and most of my teeth

# A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock

# I got food in my belly and a licence for my telly and nothing's going to bring me down

# Nothing's gonna bring me down. #

Interesting Total Wipeout fact for you here:

There are just five man-made structures visible from space.

One of them is the Great Wall of China.

The other four are the Big Red Balls. Yup, true.

# But best of all

# I've got my baby... #

So, what else have I learned?

Crufts winner Hannah isn't Best in Show,

with a time of 3:02.

Jonny almost creates a masterpiece in 2:39.

It's tens all round for Ice Ice Danni -

the fastest so far today with 2:37.

50-year-old Dean is a builder from Darlington, and he's got a little secret.

Quite a big little secret.

He swore me to secrecy, but don't you worry, Dean -

my lips are sealed, I won't tell a soul. Not a word.

# As long as the wheels are turnin'... #

Amanda - I'm doing this for you!

Oh, right. Dean's secret isn't very secret any more. He loves Amanda.

What he needs is a cold dip.

-# And I would do... #

-That should calm things down.

I'm not sure Amanda's all that impressed.

Oh, poor Dean.

"Dean the Builder - can I jump it?" That speaks for itself.

Yes, it does.

What does the back say?

"Dean the Builder - yes I can!"

Where did you get that line from?

Just made it up, really. Just something...

I just made it up really.

It's been on the telly for like, 20 years, hasn't it?

I think he's hoping to wear her down.

Can Dean the Builder win back Amanda's respect

by crossing the Cradles of Doom?

That'd do it if he can.

He's on to the first. Oh...

Spectacular reverse head-slap off the second.

-# Yeah, I'd die for you... #

-He's trying.

Dean, it's really important to make a girl laugh.

-And you did that.

-I'm right here waiting for you.

Love does indeed conquer all, as Dean smashes his way

to the top of the leaderboard.

Amanda - I've done that for you.

Don't forget your wife, Dean.

Oh, you have. OK.

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Thank you.

I was dying to say that earlier on, but...I never got t'chance.

I've spent weeks and weeks, learning

-all these little things all about yourself.

-I'm a bit scared now.

-"PSYCHO" VIOLINS

-OK, time to move on.

Next is 36-year-old martial arts enthusiast Lee from Omagh.

Using performance dance, Lee is saying "Hello, Argentina."

You may have seen Kung Fu Panda. You ain't seen Kung Fu Lee.

I'm going to take this on kung fu style-Lee!

That was actually disappointing. I hope his run is better.

Wow. And it is!

Oh - bit of trouble on the second set, but he's holding on...

and he's across.

Using the medium of dance, Lee is now claiming that he'll have

no problems crossing the Cradles of Doom.

So, can he be true to his word?

Come on, Lee. The cradles await.

Oh, he's on to the first one, this is going to be something special...

Yeah, neither pretty nor special in the end.

Those cradles!

Nevertheless, Precise-Lee is the fastest so far

in an incredible 2:11.

Let's see who's next.

There ain't no mountain high enough, there ain't no valley low enough.

And there ain't no obstacles hard enough to stop ME from winning.

This is Junior, age 23.

Unbelievably, he's one of the youngest magistrates in the UK.

Didn't judge that very well.

No.

Junior's got very modest goals.

For example, when he grows up, he wants to change the world.

One day I hope to be the Prime Minister of Great Britain. So aiming as high as I can, you know.

-What's the first thing you would do?

-Probably just drive round and wave at people.

That's brilliant.

He's confusing the Prime Minister with the Queen,

but he has reached the cradles in a very quick time.

So, he's on to the first. Come on Junior, come on.

It's in the timing.

And the second.

Would YOU vote for Junior?

No.

Brilliant stuff from the Junior Minister -

only one second behind Precise-Lee. That's quite a time.

Junior is one of the select few to have actually crossed the cradles today.

There is a knack to crossing these, you know -

so secret if the contestants found out it would make a mockery of the Qualifier,

maybe even leading to the show being axed and 40 Argentinians losing their jobs.

It's about timing your jump, isn't it?

Oh, did I just... Ooh, I said it. Oops.

This is Gareth.

He works for the London Underground,

as you can tell by how quick, efficient and reliable he is.

Closely adhering to Underground rules

by staying away from the edge of the platform.

-Mind the gap, Gareth.

-Somebody had to.

Just for Gareth,

here's a quick lesson in what NOT to do on the Cradles of Doom.

Lesson one, as demonstrated by Phyona from Forfar, don't tap dance.

It's a frighteningly far fall for Phyona from Forfar.

Lesson two - here's forklift driver Jane.

Come on, Jane!

However hard you try, you won't rock the cradle.

But the cradle may well rock you.

And remember Pro Chris? Here he is with the third and final lesson -

don't listen to Amanda.

-It's all about speed, Chris, come on!

-Let's do it, baby.

Here we go...

I feel like that was MY fault.

She doesn't feel guilt, she just looks it occasionally.

So, let's see if any of these lessons have helped Mind The Gareth.

Obviously he's listened to my advice and is simply waiting

for the perfect opportunity to jump...

Look at that.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Well - delays expected.

Let's have a second look at the leaderboard.

Precise-Lee has just pipped Junior Minister by one second to the top,

with Dean the Builder in third.

Sliding rapidly down the field in sixth is brave, brave Sir Dave.

Phyona from Forfar is in ninth,

and Sarah's looking precarious in 12th place.

This is 30-year-old Clair from Derbyshire, just getting warmed up.

Total Wipeout, I'm going to conquer your balls! Wooo!

Crikey.

By day she is a university lecturer, and by night...

I teach pole dancing, burlesque dancing and can-can.

So can Can-Can Clair high-kick her way over the rakes?

Oh, she is making good progress.

Come on, Can-Can Clair.

Wow.

CLAIR SQUEALS LOUDLY

Yes, this is looking... There is a lot of noise.

She has made it. Can Can-Can Clair make it across the sucker punch?

No. She can't can't.

Not leaving very much to the imagination with them shorts, Clair.

OK, she's on the first cradle in great time as well.

Can she make the second?

Yep, she can. If she can make this final jump, she will have the fastest time of the day.

This has been an astonishing time.

And she has. 1 minute 51.

You'll be seeing a lot more of her. I mean... You know what I mean.

Now for the penultimate contestant.

His friends call him a smoocher.

Meet today's most eligible bachelor...

Digging it, digging it, digging it down!

Uh-huh. Here he goes. Oh, he is off like a speeding bullet.

Oh, straight off.

Can Colin the irresistible tame the hearts of the big balls?

No. He can't. But he did get a goodbye hug.

What sets this show apart is the sheer heroism demonstrated

by the contestants because when the going gets tough, do they quit?

No, they don't. When the chips are down, do they run away crying?

Well, occasionally. But do they embody the never-say-die spirit

that saw this country through two world wars?

No. No, they don't. Time for the last contestant.

I'm a rocking, rolling, jiving, thriving, nifty 50. Watch me go!

Reflexologist Jan is the eldest contestant of the day.

I'm saying that to her face which has been hit by a rake.

But Jan is a black belt in the art of positive thinking.

In my mind. I know that I can do it.

Yes, you can. Probably. Come on, Jan, you can do this. Yes, she can!

Now, that won't faze Jan because she has analysed this course thoroughly.

Hey, what's a few puddles?

-See? What's a few puddles?

-Come on, Jan.

Come on, you. I'm going to have you.

OK, that's... Yes.

Jan will have no problems with the sucker punch.

Come on, Jan, you can do it. Mind over matter.

This is more like it. A positive start. Yes.

Oh, followed by a positive punch.

I'm probably the oldest bod here,

but what I lack in stamina and in age I can make up for up here.

Which means Jan will have no problems with these.

-Let's do it.

-Yes, let's do it.

You won't beat me.

No, it won't beat you. Yeah, let's go!

Yeah.

-Let's go.

-Yeah!

No.

I'll be honest, I'm not feeling as positive as I was about this.

She's still going, though. She is digging deep,

and all that other stuff that people do when they're really trying hard.

Yes. I'm at the top.

So close.

This is moving, actually. Genuinely.

Talking herself through it.

Come on, Jan! The first cradle.

This is too much. I'm on the edge of my seat.

I've got to admit, I was expecting a bit more than that.

A cleverer man than me once said, "Victory is a thing of the will,

"but there are some victories worse than defeat, and some defeats more triumphant than victories."

I have no idea what any of that means,

but I'm sure it's really pertinent and important right now.

I'm exhausted just watching her.

Positive Jan snatches victory from the jaws of defeat with a positively epic time of 8 minutes 17 seconds.

-Made it! I made it!

-Yes.

I made it... Oh...

I think she's going to cry.

So, let's have a look at the final leaderboard.

Can-Can Clair is at the top, with Precise Lee in second and Junior Minister in third.

Colin the Irresistible is in 6th.

Amazing Amy is in 9th.

And Bilbo has just hung in there by the skin of his hobbity little teeth in 12th place.

That's the Qualifier over, and round about now, I tend to feel a bit sad.

Just as I was getting to know those brave contestants, eight have gone.

I wonder what they are doing now.

I will remember them.

Actually, I've already forgotten their names.

Apart from Underwater Cuthbert.

There wasn't an Underwater Cuthbert, was there?

But what awaits the 12 lucky souls who have made it this far?

Well, riddle me this.

When is a mountain not a mountain?

When it consists of 12 big podiums wobbling about in stagnant water.

The 12 remaining contestants have a mountain to climb, and there is only one way to get there.

It is a sprint to the centre podium over one moving arm, whilst avoiding the other two.

If they crash out, they'll need to try again.

The first five to make it are heading for the next round.

The other seven are heading for the losers' bench.

And casualty, sometimes.

On podiums 1, 2 and 3, Phyona from Forfar.

Oh, God.

Looking calm.

-Can-Can Clair.

-I was the first in the Qualifier and I will be first to that centre.

-And Bilbo.

-Watch Bilbo go.

-I'll be the Lord of THIS ring!

-Yup.

On podium four, about to give a rousing speech, Junior Minister.

What goes up must come down, but you lot are going down first.

Oh, bravo, yah. On five, it's...

# Bold and brave Sir Dave, who fought to save the day. #

Ole, ole, ole, you're all going down today.

Brilliant, Richard III, my second favourite Shakespeare play(!)

On podiums 6, 7 and 8 - Amazing Amy,

Dean the Builder and Just Jonny.

On 9...

# Whoa-whoa everybody got kung-fu fighting... #

Precisely, precise Lee.

And on podiums 10, 11 and 12, Here Hannah.

This top dog is going to be centre-stage! Yes!

He's irresistible.

It's Colin.

And Ice Ice Danni.

All these other guys are going to crash into the water.

Time now for an uplifting experience with a dash of falling.

It's Crash Mountain. Are you all ready?

CHEERING

Three, two, one!

And so it begins. The first five to the centre go to the next round.

Ooh, that is fast. Oh! Jonny is off.

Bilbo somehow manages to do even worse!

Never got near it, mistakenly thinking he has huge hobbit feet.

That's Lee clean off too.

we could be here a while.

Ooh, I spoke too soon. Phyona from Forfar is first on, but then off.

They've got to make it to their feet if they want to get to the centre.

Oh, that was Ice Ice Danni.

They all look a little bit drunk.

That should sober Colin up!

And Junior Minister...

And Dean the Builder too...

What they don't realise is that pool is 40% Argentine rum.

Bilbo gives it a crack. Probably receives a fracture for his efforts.

Ooh, what's this from Just Jonny?

Oh, so close. Glory cruelly snatched by the sweeper arm.

Can-Can Clair's doing pretty well.

No-one's made it to the centre yet. She might be the first.

Could she be the first? No.

She's down. Clean off her feet.

Will anyone go through to the next round today? Brave Brave Sir Dave!

Is it really that hard?

I'm going to say yes, it is.

Oh! Junior makes a bid for glory, and he's across.

And into the next round. Four places remain.

Make that three! No... Yes, Precise Lee has made it as well.

All of a sudden.

Just Jonny making a dash... And he's done it as well.

They've watched and learned.

Junior Minister, Precise Lee and Just Jonny are through.

Two places remain.

Will it be Hannah, Colin, Can-Can Clair, Amazing Amy, Phyona from Forfar,

Dean the Builder, Brave Brave Sir Dave, Bilbo or Ice Ice Danni?

Oh, bless you, Danni.

Colin takes his turn, ducking...

and diving.

This is close. This is... Oh.

That was very close.

Will Colin get time for another go?

Can-Can Clair again.

Survives one sweep...

Ooh, that was close!

But the beam gets its revenge.

Hannah's on.

For the first time for Hannah.

She's hanging on...

Oh, no, she isn't. It was a bit late for her first attempt, but it hasn't ended well for her.

Meanwhile Dean's sneaking along the platform.

This might be his last chance.

Oh, come on, Dean. He's doing it for me. Get up!

Yep, almost... Oh!

Colin in there too.

Dean's dream might be over now.

Colin making a run for it.

Bilbo's off, but Colin's made it. Only one place remains.

Danni has her eye on that final place.

So near but so far...

Amy making a last-ditch attempt at that final spot.

-Oh, I haven't seen Amy for a while.

-This is it. It's now or nothing.

And she's done it! She's done it, she's on.

We have five!

I'm exhausted.

So, Crash Mountain has plucked the five mighty mountaineers from...

the other seven who never made it out of base camp.

Those seven had their moment to shine, and they blew it.

So let's give them another moment to...talk about it a bit.

I came here with a quest, and I failed the hobbits and the elves.

I failed everyone.

Absolutely terrifying.

Even before it started to move and go round, I just wanted to cry.

I just couldn't get the strength to pick myself up.

I would put one foot forward,

hit it and I was in the drink again.

It was so slippery, I just didn't have the grip to stand and then run.

It kept coming and knocking me off.

Absolutely gutted.

I have never been as devastated in my life.

I'll just have to find another way to win £10,000.

So, two rounds down and just five competitors remain.

You don't need me to tell you what's next.

Apparently, you do.

It is Dizzy Dummies!

The contestants will be spun fast in that poorly-modified tumble dryer

and released to dart straight-ish over the rotating bungee frame

and stumble to the pyramid beams.

The last person to the other side will be eliminated, and the whole rigmarole will then be repeated,

but this time they'll cross the barrel bridge.

The last person across will be eliminated,

leaving three finalists, who will all go through to the Wipeout Zone.

Five brave souls are about to take on the wrath of the Dizzy Dummy.

-And they're raring to go. Are you all ready?

-No!

Oh, well, we're going to go anyway.

Three, two, one!

Oh, my God!

Right, let's take this opportunity to meet today's five Dizzy Dummies.

He was first across Crash Mountain, and he's Prime Minister in waiting.

It's Junior Minister.

He's quick. He's fast. He's precise.

-# Whoa-whoa... #

-It's Precise Lee.

He once drew a picture. He...

Um... It's just Jonny.

He loves the ladies. The ladies are still undecided.

Digging it, digging it...

It's Colin the Irresistible.

She's amazing.

-A-mazing.

-It's Amazing Amy.

The dummies are reaching the end of their gyratory torture session.

And they're off.

Amy leading the field towards the bungee frame.

-Oh, she's quick, straight through.

-Oh, yeah, Amy. Chicks rule!

The others are floundering as Amy heads to the pyramid beams.

Junior Minister is through, though.

Colin isn't.

Amazing Amy making it over the first pyramid.

Good girl, Amy!

And she is over to the second platform... Oh, no!

No, that's just... Hideously wrong.

Amy has taken out herself, two pyramids and Junior Minister.

That really is a-mazing.

So, they will all need to swim back to the start.

Precise Lee is making a run for it with Just Jonny close behind.

Lee then jumping for it.

He can't hang on in there. It's back to the start for him.

Jonny is getting himself rather familiar with that obstacle.

OK.

Just Jonny diving for it now.

Nope, can't hang on in there either.

That second platform is proving impassable so far.

-Colin... Oh, he's made it!

-Yes!

-Cos he's only a little fella.

-This is looking good.

Junior Minister not far behind.

Suddenly everyone is getting to grips with this. Amazing Amy now.

Come on, Amy. Come on, come on...

Oh... No...

Colin making the final dash... Yes!

And he's through and safe for now.

A fantastic jump from Colin the Irresistible.

Junior Minister going for it now. Just one jump. Come on!

And Junior Minister is through!

Using a floater to finish, but it worked.

It's Precise Lee, Amazing Amy and Just Jonny left.

The last across will be eliminated.

Precise Lee makes it.

So it is now down to the last two.

Jonny now... Oh! Ooh...

Amy, come on! Come on, Amy!

Oh, and this is outrageous! Amy tries to climb over Jonny.

They are both holding on. This is desperation.

Amy slips and hands Jonny the win.

I don't believe it.

If there is one thing you should have learned about Total Wipeout,

it is to expect the unexpected.

Which would, of course, make it the expected.

So it ceases to be unexpected...

Anyway, it turns out that the exertion of the game was a little too much for Jonny.

Despite a spectacular performance all day, Jonny hurt his eye

and, after medical advice, has had to withdraw from the competition.

Absolutely gutted. I thought I could go all the way to the final.

But obviously it's not meant to be.

Going around in circles is not my forte.

So, Amazing Amy is, amazingly, back in the game

and takes Jonny's place in the second round of Dizzy Dummies.

It's time to go back to the most tranquil and calm place on Earth.

Oh, this is relaxing.

SQUEALING

Time to kick back, take a deep breath and...

SHOUTING

..just take it easy. Feel your worries...

..ebb away as you sense...

that the thing's finally slowing down.

It's game on, and Amy is first out of the trap - again.

Come on, Amy.

Oh, she's down!

As is just about everyone else.

Someone is through, but I have no idea who it is.

You get a sense that this is actually quite difficult.

OK, Lee has made it to the barrel bridge.

He is on it.

Junior Minister is on as well now.

-Yes!

-There's Amy.

Colin waiting for the right time.

Oh, the right time to fall in.

Junior is in trouble as well. He'll be joining Colin back at the start.

Still, not far to swim.

Lee making good progress, with Amy not far behind.

-Scratch that. Lee is on his own now.

-Ow!

And in pain.

I call that move the spreadeagle. People only do it once.

Lee has just got two more barrels to go, and he will be into the final.

Oh, he has done it again!

People only do that... twice.

Oh, no. Still, it is working for him.

Most of him. Can he do it? Come on, Lee.

For crying out loud! Yes!

Yes! He is today's first finalist, but at what price?

-I love it!

-OK, Colin has made a new friend.

Two spots left in the final.

It is between Colin, Amy and Junior now. Oh, Colin is in.

Pas de goal for Colin.

Completing now for those places in the final. Oh, Amy's gone.

Junior has got a clear run now.

The possible future leader of Great Britain.

Well, when he becomes the leader, he will probably regret doing this, but we can enjoy it for now.

Hang on, Junior! Hang on!

OK, having a little rest. I'm not surprised, this is exhausting.

Yes!

Colin closing the gap.

-But Junior is doing well.

-Yes, come on, Junior!

Just one barrel away from the final.

Oh, this is getting close!

-And tense.

-Oh!

Amy is still falling in. That girl does not give up easily.

Colin catching Junior up, he's changing lane to try and overtake.

Oh! It is neck-and-neck now. Junior leaps, and he's through!

One more spot in today's final.

Can Colin make it?

Yes, he can.

There goes the klaxon, and Amy is out of the competition.

Genuinely, this time.

You got a second chance, Amy.

-What were you doing?

-That was so hard!

Did you think, because you were being given a second chance,

that would give you the strength and determination to get through?

No, I thought it was like torture. They did it to me on purpose!

Junior Minister from Wales, Precise Lee and Colin the Irresistible, both from Northern Ireland,

have made it through to today's final round, the Wipeout Zone.

It's been a bumpy ride for those three Celtic heroes.

A muddy, slippy, spinny sort of bumpy ride.

It feels great and very, very surreal.

Everyone back home will be amazed that I have got this far.

Winning tonight would definitely mean a lot to me.

I don't look like a prime athletic specimen.

People looking at me would think, "Tiny, ginger, Northern Irish."

I think you've got to have a self-belief.

If you don't believe in yourself, you lose the first battle already.

I never do sports. I never go to the gym. I am more of a couch potato.

I was always the last to be picked for the football team.

I always mumble to myself, "Do it for your kids. Do it for your kids."

I hope they are proud of me.

# I am the one and only. There's no... # What was it?

I don't know the words. What are the words to the song?

It won't be We Are The Champions, because it has to be I...

I've definitely got it in me.

I hope to be the first politician to win Total Wipeout.

As long as this Northern Irish man gets one over on the Welsh!

If I can do as good as Bruce Lee, I'll be OK.

Hopefully the Welsh will come out on top. We beat the Irish before.

I don't think there's been a Northern Irish winner, but hopefully tonight there will be.

# Simply the best...

# Doo, doo doo Better than... #

So, with only three competitors left in the race for the £10,000 prize,

and the Wipeout Zone imminent, crunch time is upon us.

It's crunch o'clock.

It's zero-crunch-hundred hours.

The little hand is pointing to the crunch and the big hand is pointing to the crunch as well.

Basically, it's time for the Wipeout Zone.

This is what lies in wait for the three finalists.

A headlong trip down the killer surf.

Then a rapid climb up the rapid climb.

They have got just ten seconds to make it to the top before a tidal wave is unleashed.

Then balance is everything on the balance beam.

From there, they will have to try dodge the crazy sweeper.

Then it's the rope swing on to the turntable and a final leap to the finish podium where the clock stops.

The fastest will be crowned Total Wipeout champion and walk away with £10,000.

It's the battle of the Celts in the Wipeout Zone tonight.

And first to go, from Northern Ireland, it's Colin.

Archaeologist Colin prepares himself.

But will he be unearthing £10,000 of treasure tonight? And he's off!

And he's in.

Colin sets off with a quick swim to the cascades of the rapid climb.

That torrent of water doesn't seem to be slowing him down.

Once on his feet, Colin only has ten seconds before the tidal wave hits.

He has made it. This is a really strong start.

Really strong from Colin. The balance beam now.

Oh, Colin, easy...

He's looking steady.

Very steady.

But things are about to get tougher with the crazy sweeper.

He's just going for it! This is all in the timing,

but that sweeper arm is coming back round after him.

And he's just made...

That was incredible!

The rope swing to the turntable now.

Big swing from Colin.

He has landed bang in the middle.

This is amazing. This is going to be a very hard time to beat.

One final jump...!

And Colin completes the course in just 1 minute 24 seconds.

Colin has just given a masterclass

in how to defeat the Wipeout Zone.

He made it look easy, but it isn't.

As I suspect his fellow finalists are about to find out.

That was absolutely unbelievable. I can tell you, Colin,

that your time tonight was 1 minute and 24 seconds!

Oh, my...! I can't believe it.

It is a fantastic time.

But you have got two really strong competitors coming up behind.

Next to go is Junior.

Junior Minister looking nervous, and he doesn't even know what Colin's time was.

Come on, this one's for Wales!

So, only the pressure of an entire country resting on his shoulders now.

He's in the water.

And it's another quick swim to the rapid climb.

Where is he? Where IS he?

Junior is on his feet. He's got ten seconds to avoid that tidal wave.

That little delay at the start means this is going to be close.

Three, two, one...

He's made that by the skin of his teeth. The balance beam next.

Junior steps out, very steady so far.

But remember he is against the clock.

He has got to do this in less than 1 minute 24.

He's across. The crazy sweeper next.

Oh, no! He just froze!

No ducking, no nothing.

Well, Junior Minister is going to have to fly around

the Wipeout Zone now to stand a chance of beating Colin's time.

He faces a swim and a climb before he can continue with the course.

Now for the rope swing. No room for error here.

Junior Minister, here we go...

He's hit the water. That's... Oh, no.

Sadly, his challenge is as good as over now.

Nevertheless, he must now climb up to the turntable before that final leap to the finish.

He has made it, but that is not enough to win him a big prize.

2 minutes and 8 seconds would ordinarily be a very good time.

Unless you are competing with a Wipeout Zone master like Colin.

It's time for Amanda to break the news.

Junior, you might be Prime Minister of Britain some day,

but I'm afraid you're not going to be Total Wipeout champion,

because Colin was faster. Hard luck.

-You know what this means.

-Only one to go!

Yours is the time to beat.

Let's have a look. Oooooh!

So it's an all-Irish final now, and Precise Lee has some target to beat.

I love you, kids!

The clock starts ticking as he hits the water.

Now, Lee has to pull out all the stops.

1 minute 24 is the target.

Thousands of gallons of ice-cold Argentinian water won't help.

Lee struggling straight away.

Come on!

He is on his feet, and the ten seconds begin.

Now he's moving, he looks quick.

He's at the top - no-one's been battered by that tidal wave today.

The balance beam now. Lee has to make this if he wants the prize.

Well, he is on the beam and moving fast. Oh, no! Disaster!

-Oh...

-I hate to say it, but Precise Lee lacked precision there

and that error could have just cost him the title.

He's got a mountain to climb now.

On to the crazy sweeper.

Come on, Lee. A fast time now is still possible, but only just.

Come on, Lee!

Oh... Oh...

That was so near.

With that fall, though, it is all over for Lee.

He doesn't know that, though.

So he just has to keep trying.

As far as he knows, he's just got to give it everything.

Looking exhausted as he climbs to the rope swing. Come on, Lee.

Oh, no, and he's off again.

Punishing himself now.

Lee just didn't get enough momentum there, and in he went.

He has fallen off everything now.

But you've got to give it to him, he's not throwing in the towel.

There's just one jump to go and he's there. No!

He's fallen off the finish podium.

Well, Lee has had no luck at all.

Coming unstuck on that final leap.

With energy reserves running low, Lee has one more go, and makes it.

And the clock stops at 4 minutes and 2 seconds.

Poor Lee fell off everything.

It's over to Amanda to break the news.

Oh, come on out to me, my dear.

You must be exhausted.

You've got it. No, all I think about is my kids.

But what can I do?

Lee, your kids are going to be proud of you no matter what.

But you weren't fast enough

because, Colin, you are the Total Wipeout champion!

So, well done to archaeologist Colin Dunlop from Northern Ireland.

This is probably the most valuable and significant find of his life.

£10,000 and a priceless trophy.

Bringing his total haul to £10,007.

Join me next time when there will be a portion of this...

..a piece of this...

and a big new chunk of this.

From Amanda and me, goodbye.