Episode 2 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, to the right of Chile.

Slightly below Uruguay.

7,000 miles from home, give or take a mile.

20 plucky Brits, including a cheerleader, a vet and a children's

entertainer have all lost their luggage on their way

to tackling the greatest obstacle course in the world.

One will be victorious.

19 just won't. Let the games begin.

Welcome to Total Wipeout. Today, 20 competitors face a challenge that's

so difficult, so tough, it would be impossible to put into words,

although technically, that is my job.

So I should try.

Um, yes, it's a stupid obstacle course.

They have to cross a stupid obstacle course.

So what will they be facing on this so-called stupid obstacle course?

That's mine, I thought of that.

The Qualifier. Tough.

Crashmantic. Really tough.

Dizzy Dummies, even tougher than what I said just then.

And the Wipeout Zone, so tough you can just ignore the other

times I used the word tough to describe something tough.

It's time to go to the top of the course and meet the first victim -

I mean competitor. I'm kidding - victim.

With them is a woman with the smile of an angel and a heart of a mafia hitman. It's Amanda Byram.

I'm joined now at the top of the course by Rory from Tiverton whose

job lends itself to the Total Wipeout course. Rory, what is it you do?

I build playgrounds for a living.

My whole life is swings and roundabouts so this should be

a doddle for me, an absolute easy walk in the park.

Hi, my name's Rory, and I'm going to roar around this course.

-Roar!

-Meow.

So a very confident Rory sets off, but what will he be facing first?

In the last series, the Walk of Shame proved such a hit,

and I mean that literally, with the contestants,

that Eduardo has brought it back and this time he's super-sized it.

So introducing the Super Walk of Shame.

It's basically the same, but tall.

So Rory is the first to try it out.

One small step for man,

one giant leap into the swimming pool, I imagine.

Ooh! Yeah, it's just further to fall, really.

The Super Walk of Shame does what it says on the tin.

It's not as easy as it looks.

It doesn't actually look easy, anyway.

Can Rory use his skills as a builder of adventure playgrounds

to get the better of this obstacle the second time around? No.

No, but he did it more quickly into the water.

Straightaway. Now on to the Sucker Punch.

I doubt Rory has ever made one of these for a playground.

Well, I hope not, anyway. There'd be complaints.

Ooh! He's doing well, though.

Riding those punches. No! Not that one. That was a hit.

Now, that's a face plant if ever I saw one.

Yeah, you said it, Amanda, classic face plant.

He turns, oh, that's anticipated, it's perfect.

That is class.

Next up, it's the Big Balls.

He's using the railing, I don't think he can see anything through that mud mask.

Just as well, because above his head is Mr Motivator himself,

200 pounds of precision padded foam,

designed exclusively to "hurry" the more hesitant competitors.

I like to think of it more as a heat-seeking ditherer destroyer.

Here we go, he's poised and ready.

Oh, he blindly leaps onto the first ball, he has no idea where he is.

Oh, he's balanced.

Rory could just turn out to be the first person

to cross the balls this series. I know, Amanda.

Check out his balance!

This is looking very good for Rory, what a leap!

Maybe I should have waited

until he was on the third ball before hyping him up.

I anticipated it a bit.

Well, he may not leave his mark on the Qualifier,

but he's left a perfect Rory-shaped mark on that ball.

So Rory climbs the ladder as he faces another new obstacle.

It's a tightrope.

But not just a tightrope. Oh, no, there's more to it than that.

What do you mean - no?

There isn't...it is just... it is literally...OK.

Bit cheap. I'll give it to you - it is just a rope.

Obviously, if we have tightrope walkers on,

they'll find this bit easy.

Rory's got vision back now as he gets onto the rope.

Test of balance and arm strength here.

He's looking steady. Ridiculous, but steady.

-Will it be a roaring success?

-Thank you, that'll be a pun.

He's the first person to try it, but I think he's going to make it.

And he has!

-He has.

-He's done it! Come on!

No surprise, then, it is just a rope.

Should have spent more money on that.

Anyway, roaring Rory finishes in 3:50.

Next on the Qualifier are girlfriend and boyfriend Sarah and Andy

from Glasgow, who are both cheerleaders.

-We are ready.

-I like this.

They're in time and everything.

I'd book those to to come and do cheerleading for me

whenever I've got... cheers that need...leading.

-Oh, yes.

-Who's the boss, then?

Oh, me. I'm the boss of us, I'm the boss of the squad,

I just run everything.

She likes to think she's the boss.

I let her think that just so she doesn't have a tantrum.

You tell everyone what to do, then?

No, my silences and my looks usually do it for me, so...

Show me the look.

I'm scared!

Clear who wears the trousers in that relationship.

I just don't want the house next to theirs when they're practicing.

It's Sarah next onto the Super Walk of Shame.

And, yep...ooh!

I can do this cheerleading thing.

Give me an O! Give me a U!

Do you see where I'm going?

Ouch. Oh!

Right, can boyfriend Andy do any better?

Sarah wears the trousers.

Andy's got to wear those bad shorts as a result, it would seem.

Come on, Andy, are you on or off?

Give me an S for stuck.

Oh, no, he's not.

Onto the Sucker Punch now.

Living with Sarah, probably used to dodging the odd punch, allegedly.

Oh. No.

Trouserless Andy isn't doing that well right now.

That did seem like an extra-hard punch.

Who's controlling the fist today? Hey.

Back to trouser-wearing Sarah who's on to the big balls now.

This competition is heating up. She's off...

she's really off and avoiding both the Motivator

and getting any further along the balls.

-Watch this!

-Trouserless Andy's turn.

Good jump, might put him ahead of Sarah.

-Oh!

-Ahrg!

It was. But then in the water.

I didn't know he was a contortionist, I thought he was a cheerleader.

# I hurt myself today... #

I think his body had stopped,

but his legs just weren't giving up, were they? They carried on.

Right, it's neck and neck here,

but Andy's life won't be worth living if he beats Sarah.

Think carefully.

-Here we go.

-The all-important tightrope.

It's not just pride that hangs in the balance here.

Or dignity, obviously there's none.

Trouser-wearing Sarah has slipped

and gone and wet her metaphorical trousers.

-Easy peasy!

-Which means if Andy can just get across,

he's surely got this in the bag.

If I were him, I think I'd lose this on purpose right now. He has.

Come on, at least make it look like you were trying!

You just threw it away!

You looked like you were too scared to beat her.

You probably were.

OK, both of them finished looking pleased with themselves,

but that's about to change because the results are in.

Yeah!

The person who was faster was...

-Andy.

-Yes!

Oh, you're gutted! Look at you!

Oh, well.

Meet 30-year-old Vestalia who has a heart of gold on her shirt,

and in her spare time is a bell-ringer.

Pull the other one. I did a bell pun! I'm sorry.

I'm going to win this race with an elegant face,

not a hair out of place, yes!

Yeah. Now that's what we call

tempting fate. Good luck!

Right, Vestalia, down the slope. I can't remember what they're called.

It is the Superb...the Super Things Walkway...I don't know.

She's on them, that's the main thing.

Oh.

Not so elegant, Vestalia.

Vestalia moves onto the Big Red Balls

and hopefully she'll try to be a bit more graceful here.

Remember the Motivator waiting.

But I'm sure she'll get a move on.

For whom the bell tolls.

Oh, no!

That is unbelievable!

The Motivator has struck for the first time.

Finally! All those pesos blown on red foam and sandbags

now seem worth it.

# He touched me He looked at and me and stared

# As he bumped me... #

Oh, what a machine!

I imagine that probably hurts.

# He knocked me off my feet... #

Yeah, ha! This is fun!

# When he nudged me...

# ..Yes, it hit me Just like a ton of bricks. #

It does rather beg the question -

will that be the only time the Motivator strikes today?

From the bottom of my heart, I sincerely hope not.

# I can hear the bell... #

Now it's on to the tightrope, which a bell-ringer should find easy.

# Everybody says that a girl who looks like me... #

Come on, you can do...you can't.

She's dropped a clanger. Another pun. Sorry.

I would like to apologise for the amount of replays shown when

The Motivator brutally hit poor innocent unsuspecting Vestalia.

There'll be no more, honestly. No more replays, it would be too cruel.

No more. After this one.

# He knocked me off my feet... #

God that is just magnificent, it's...

sorry, where were we? Yes, um let's move on. Sorry.

Here are two people with a lot to say for themselves.

First, 26-year-old Mel who's a personal trainer.

Total Wipeout, are you ready? Because Mel's going to give you hell.

Then there's 51-year-old Victor

who is a justice of the peace and today's oldest competitor.

I took by the throat the circumcised dog.

Putting Croydon on the map!

Oh, yeah, he's doing the funky judge. Silence in court.

A-ha! Right, he's off. This is very quick.

Oh, my lord, he's the first one to make it across the Super what-you...

and he's done it again.

No! Oh! Uh-oh.

Your bits will have come off, I suspect, there.

Victor judged it quite poorly. Can motormouth Mel get across as well?

Here we go. No, she can't.

She's fallen in.

It is a long way. Right, the funky judge attempting the Big Red Balls.

Oh! Oh!

Order in the court.

He very nearly brushed the fourth one.

That was the best so far today, I'd say.

# I don't care if I die... #

Points for style. His wig would have come off

had he chosen to wear it today.

Who will have the last word between these two?

Oh, those arm muscles are going to come in handy here, Mel.

You will need them, but perhaps some coordination as well would be handy.

Yeah, you can use those arms to swim to the podium.

Look at her go. Yeah, that strength coming in handy.

Right, funky judge has retired to his chamber,

-managing the Qualifier in just under three minutes.

-Yes!

Motormouth Mel wraps this one up in 2:21

and takes a well deserved rest, that's a strong time.

So that blistering run puts Motormouth Mel in first place

with the funky judge Victor in second.

Trouserless Andy is in third.

Vestalia is in fifth. Stop it!

And trouser-wearing Sarah limps into sixth.

But with plenty more competitors to come, that can all change.

It's a little-known fact that Total Wipeout is filmed in Argentina.

Now, there are three good reasons for that.

The steaks are excellent, the wine is superb.

That's two, what's the third?

Um...oh, yeah, there are no health and safety officers.

That is, until now.

So I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Bob from Cornwall who is

a health and safety officer. Bob, have you spotted anything hazardous out there?

There seems to be a couple of work at height issues.

What do you mean, Bob?

A couple of slips and trips.

Oh, come on, this is nitpicking.

The mud, the bio problems with that could be quite large, yeah.

You've got a point with that one, actually.

There's no defence.

Health and safety Bob beginning his inspection.

We're going to put a railing on this ramp, Bob, don't worry.

That one's passed, that one's passed,

that one's - oh, no! That one failed, look.

We'll attend to that, Bob, don't worry.

# Highway to the danger zone... #

That mallet above your head, purely for decoration.

Onto the first ball now.

Keep the back straight and lift with the knees, Bob, lift with the knees.

Oh, yes, not the greatest effort,

I've got to say, but a very safe fall.

Well done, Bob, well done.

Onto the tightrope,

giving this a rigorous vibration test.

Really wants to give this a kind mark.

Sorry it isn't fluorescent, that would have helped, I'm sure.

# Whole lot of shaking going on... #

Testing, testing, looking good. Needs a bit more testing.

Is it the rope wobbling or Bob's legs?

I don't know. Maybe this is just a safe approach.

No. It's not worked.

OK. Bob completes the Qualifier in 4:40,

making his progression into the next round a very unsafe bet.

Hey, no bombing!

Health and safety Bob said we'd get the results

of his investigation in a couple of months.

So I doubt there'll be another series.

Tell John Craven I've changed my mind.

Countryfile, I'll do it, I've got a coat.

So while we're still on air - are we still on?

OK, let's meet the next set of contestants.

Simon is a friendly scout leader, Kenny works in a museum teaching

science and Paul is a children's entertainer.

These guys seem like perfect examples for the next generation.

Ging gang gooly gooly gooly!

I blow things up.

It's just not looking good for the kids. I've never felt so mis-sold.

Right, Paul the clown is off.

I should mention one of those pillars is broken.

That one there, that fellow in the middle.

Still, for a children's entertainer, Paul is very entertaining.

I'd book him.

Watch me explode.

And he has, so we'll move on.

Oh, he's back.

Can exploding Kenny make it across the Super Walk of Shame?

Can he? No, he can't.

Scoutmaster Simon is away.

Good start, this. End of the ramp,

onto the Super Walk... oh, yes!

No, no!

Scoutmaster Simon hoping to get

his jumping-over-the-Big-Red-Balls badge here.

And not a chance, no, not with that, no.

Exploding Kenny has created a formula to help him

across the balls.

Weight x mass - velocity squared

= big muddy patch on the ball.

Hoping Kenny doesn't also teach swimming,

because that's not working.

No time for clowning around here as Paul heads to the Balls.

One, two, three, this is looking good.

Paul could be our first competitor this series to cross the balls.

I hyped up Rory too early last time,

I'm not going to get excited too soon.

Nice cup of tea. Oh.

Wa-hoo!

Oh, yes, he did!

He did it! For the first time this series,

somebody has crossed the Big Red Balls,

and I've spilt my tea. Oh, God.

Right, straight on to the rope.

Surely he's not going to get across here too.

He's making this look easy. What is this man made of?!

Well, it's a fantastic performance and the fastest time so far

-and probably ever, of 2:18.

-Big Red Balls. No problem.

Let's see how the other two finish.

-Hot on his heels, exploding Kenny...

-Come on!

..and then scout leader Simon.

Remember, kids, the most important lesson of all,

victory or defeat, always be gracious.

That's gracious spittle flailing from his mouth.

This is 33-year-old Yudi, a marketing executive with a point to prove.

I've just come out of a long relationship and a quite competitive

relationship and he always said I'd never be able to do it.

He didn't think you could do it. You're here, he's not.

Yeah, he's at home on the sofa, I'm in Argentina.

What is a competitive relationship? I've never had one.

OK, you go, girl! Newly single Yudi is about to show her

ex-boyfriend she's so over him

and over that podium and into the water.

# I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair... #

She came here with a broken heart, she leaves with a broken... no, she's fine.

Right, 23-year-old Sam is also coming to terms with a tough break-up,

the break-up of S Club 7.

# S Club...There ain't no party like an S Club party... #

-You love them.

-Yeah.

-But they're not together anymore.

They're together in my heart, that's all that matters.

There ain't no party like a S Club party, and I'm their biggest fan!

Where do these people come from? And how do I stay away from them?

So, Sam is hoping to inspire an S Club 7 reunion

with a successful performance here.

That's not going to help.

Come on, Sam, do this for Bradley, Tina and...

the other ones, whoever they were.

Roland, Keith...

-Yeah, that's them Amanda.

-Benny, Bjorn...

You're just making noises.

He's on the way, I hope he doesn't get hit.

I fear he may snap.

Right in the S Club 7s.

Back to Yudi again, who's loitering at the Big Balls.

The Motivator won't like that.

There it goes, and there she goes as well, a lucky miss.

# We've got to all stick together

# Good friends are there for each other

# Never, ever forget that

# I got you and you got me... #

Look he's doing it, he actually did reach for the stars there.

And then fell in the water.

S Club Sam goes on to finish in 3:08.

Might not reunite S Club 7,

but it's still a good time in the Qualifier. Well done.

Yudi's still going. Still proving that point to her ex on the sofa.

Just the rope now between her and total revenge.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold...

and maybe a little bit wet.

Yudi finishes in under three minutes, which is a good time,

as well as a point proved to the ex.

# I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair... #

Next to tackle the Qualifier is Molly who works in a cheese factory.

I work in a cheese factory and I'm going to cheese you all off by getting the fastest time!

Does anyone speak cheese, as I have no idea?

-Oh, my God, oh, my God!

-All right, calm down, dear.

I'm absolutely not going to fall into the trap

of making any cheesy puns here. None.

Cheddar luck next time, Molly.

Amanda obviously didn't get that bit.

It is an admirable start to the Super Walk of Shame for Molly

and then a flamboyant and disastrous finish.

# She's the one... #

On to the Big Red Balls, or, to Molly, the giant edams.

Oh, no, she's gone back for a knife.

That's what that'll be, I'm pretty sure.

Oh, my God!

And Molly finishes in a respectable 3:43, not at all bad.

I thought I was going to die.

Did you really think you were going to die?

Yeah. It is so hard.

At which point did you think death was the next step?

Like, as soon as I started.

Any news from Countryfile? No?

That's awkward. So we're over halfway through our 20 excitable obstacleers,

and remember, only 12 of them will make it through.

Let's take another look at the leaderboard.

So as it stands, Paul the clown is top of the table,

with motormouth Mel and Scoutmaster Simon just behind.

Newly single Yudi and Victor the funky judge came home in just under

the three-minute mark, which currently puts them fifth and sixth.

Trouserless Andy finds himself above S Club Sam,

cheesy Molly and roaring Rory in tenth.

Vestalia - come on! - is in eleventh,

leaving Sarah wearing the trousers

but holding the wooden spoon in twelfth.

This is 46-year-old chef Melody, from Bury.

Can she make sweet music on the Super Walk of Shame?

She steps up. She's...ah...

Not what I'd call a virtuoso performance, to be honest.

And her singing is a little off key as well. Slightly sharp.

Hopefully Melody can conduct herself a bit better on the Balls.

She's on, and... I had a feeling that might happen.

She went nowhere, she's further back than when she started it.

Looks like there'll be no encore for Melody.

Finishing in over five minutes, it puts her flat last.

Next to go is 26-year-old lecturer Nix.

She is 50% human and 50% rubber band.

Nix practises sports acrobatics,

which is the ancient art of being very bendy.

She can actually stretch herself... No! Ooh...

She can stretch herself from podium to podium.

She's managed to recover that, you see, I've never seen that before.

Super stretchy skills in full use.

Oh, oh, I've cursed it again, I'm sorry.

It's just not working for her.

She does stretch to three times her own length.

Just let it go, Nix. On to the Balls. Stretchy versus bouncy here.

Who will come out on top?

Well, stretchy Nix right now by the look of it.

Ooh, the Motivator was close.

But she's looking very steady here.

Could this be another Ball cross here?

That's number three. I've got a good feeling about this.

-DOORBELL

-Oh, not now! Hang on.

It was just some kids.

Right, what have I missed? Oh.

Stretchy Nix then springs home in, what, 3:11.

The next two contestants have something in common.

This is 34-year-old vet Nina.

I'm Nina the ninja squirrel.

And this is 18-year-old student Georgia.

I'm a fast and nimble ninja monkey.

They both claim to be ninja versions of animals, which is just...weird.

Right, Nina, onto the walkway, and she's... Oh.

I hope ninja squirrels can swim.

But who is better, ninja monkeys or ninja squirrels?

It's a question often asked.

So far there's nothing to choose between them.

Yeah, none of the ninja skills helped.

The bigger the claim, the more embarrassing the fall.

Right, Meg and Jake, let's go.

Oh, wow. I was expecting those wing things flying squirrels have

to stretch out, but they didn't.

Fly mate Georgia onto the Balls.

There's one and two. Surely we can't have three competitors

cross the Balls in one show.

She's onto the third, onto the fourth, and, no, we can't.

No, there'd be a law against that happening or something.

I'm beginning to question these girls' ninja credentials.

Anyway, Nina finishes in 2:43 and Georgia in 3:13,

proving once and for all that ninja squirrels

are better than ninja monkeys.

Ally is a 24-year-old property valuer from Northern Ireland.

I wonder if she's any good at valuing Argentinian real estate.

Go on, then, value our course for us.

I suppose...

couple of million maybe for the structures and the...

# Money, money, money... #

Actually, no.

You've a few gaps in the wall over there.

You've got a lot of mud actually, where did that come from?

Has there been a lot of rain?

There's a lot of water.

But the Big Red Balls, they're priceless.

Brilliant. From two million to two quid to priceless.

This market moves quickly.

Stay on your feet. Ally sprints off, which is a very bold strategy.

-I can't believe the speed, but it's worked.

-Wow!

Can she do that again? That was... Ah, no.

Yeah, she crashed harder than the housing market.

On to the Sucker Punch, or Gappy Wall as Ally calls it.

This is quick. Priceless stuff from priceless Ally.

I can't believe the pace.

Remember, Paul the clown has the quickest time so far

and he made it across the Balls. Can Ally to the same?

Oh, no! Really no!

Onto the Tightrope, which is...just a rope.

Oh, and off the Tightrope, which is just a rope.

I think she might get the quickest time here, though.

2:18 to beat. Come on, Ally, come on.

Oh, two seconds out, but that great run

makes her the second fastest today. That was strong.

Now, while many people think this is simply an obstacle course-based game show,

I also like to see it as a bit of a dating show.

It brings people together in a relaxed atmosphere and then covers them in Argentinian slurry.

Come on, we've all had dates like that. And this next contestant is looking for love.

Attention all single ladies, we've got a hot one.

His name is Malcolm, he's 29 years old,

and, ladies, get this - he's part of the Welsh archery squad.

The most famous archer is Robin Hood

but the other well known one is Cupid

and I have been single for a while now

and hopefully, fingers crossed, I'll be able to find someone.

Like Robin Hood, I'm always on target.

My target is the winner's cup.

I want Malcolm to win this more than I've wanted anything else ever.

He sets off on his merry quest.

I've never supported... Oh, no, no.

He's an athlete.

OK, he's on to the Sucker Punch.

Come on. That's not a fair fight!

Malcolm normally has a bow and arrow anyway. He'd have killed it.

Oh, in the bull's-eye.

Oh, lucky he was wearing those goggles.

# I'm sorry that I made you cry... #

OK, come on, Malcolm, dust yourself down now.

It'll take a lot of dusting, but dust yourself down.

OK, the muddy look isn't doing Malcolm any favours

on the dating front but it is a good place to meet girls.

Sadly they've all gone now, so there's no point looking, Malcolm.

Looks like Malcolm might be in trouble.

Who can possibly save him from an embarrassing muddy end?

Hang on, this music sounds promising.

This is Des, egg seller by day, but by night he's a maker of bad superhero costumes.

So what are his special powers?

Well, firstly, he has amazing memory powers.

It ain't no yoke, so let's get cracking.

Oh, what's the last one?

He also has incredible balance.

And he has a cape with a large egg on it. That man is kitted out.

Eggy Des sets off the save his Malcolm in distress.

Oh. You might have to wait a few more minutes, Malcolm.

There might be a girl still in there.

Fear not, Malcolm, because here comes Eggy Des.

And there goes Eggy Des.

Des, you forgot Malcolm. No.

I'm beginning to wonder about

Eggy Des's amazing memory powers, he's forgotten.

Eggy Des will literally fly across these Balls.

Oh, wait, Des, you forgot your cape. That's what went wrong.

What use is a magical flying cape if you forget to wear it?

# I'm going down... #

Eggy Des scrambles to the finish in a cracking time of 3:06.

EGGS-ellent work, but will he POACH the top prize?

That, Eggy Des, is how you do egg puns.

Breaking news, Malcolm Hood is out of the mud,

aided by his merry men, Friar Eduardo and Little Eduardo.

Please win. He's a fair way behind.

Getting over these Balls might just get him back on track.

Oh.

On the rope now. Got to be honest, the time isn't looking great.

You've got one last chance to impress the ladies.

Oh, no.

Look, it's working, sort of.

Malcolm finishes in seven minutes

and, well, let's just say Malcolm finishes.

To all the ladies that were watching that wonderful performance,

what do you think they would have thought of that?

Well, I hope they noticed that I kept going to the end

and that I showed good stamina throughout the entire course.

But I'd like a cup of tea now.

Malcolm, ladies. Unlucky in the qualifier but perhaps lucky in love.

Time to see, then, which lucky 12 have qualified for the next round.

Well, there'll be no tears for Paul the clown as he finishes top,

with priceless Ally and motormouth Mel finishing just seconds slower.

Scoutmaster Simon and exploding Kenny come in fourth and fifth.

Our oldest competitor, 51-year-old Victor, is showing the young 'uns

how it's done, qualifying in eighth, with Eggy Des poaching ninth.

Trouserless Andy makes it through without girlfriend Sarah, and

stretchy Nix manages to just squeeze into the final qualifying place.

So the day started with 20 contestants and eight have already

been eliminated, which leaves eight contestants. No.

20. No, no. 12 contestants.

So it's time to pay some respect to today's losers, however many of them there are.

# Never more to sail my ship

# Where no man has gone before

# And I will go sailing no more

# But no, it can't be true

# I can fly if I wanted to

# Like a bird in the sky

# I believe I can fly, why I fly.

# Clearly I will go sailing no more. #

So it's goodbye to the unfortunate souls who failed to make the next round.

Well, unfortunate in one sense,

actually hugely lucky in another, because they don't have to face this.

Having already proved to be an unstoppable robotic monster,

this mechanical beast makes its second outing in its quest to destroy the human race.

This is Crash Mountain.

And here's how it works. 12 contestants, one podium and only one way across.

The contestants must take a leap of faith onto the rotating bridge

and then dodge the counter-rotating sweeper arm to make their way to the safety of the centre.

The first five to make it to the middle qualify for the next round.

The remaining seven are eliminated.

So let's meet the 12 brave contestants.

On podiums one, two and three are Paul the clown...

I'm number one and I'm staying number one. Come on!

..Eggy Des...

Let's see who's going to come first, the chicken or the egg? I'm the egg, you're the chickens. Come on!

..and trouserless Andy.

This is for you, Sarah, I'm going all the way.

That was just a noise. On four, five and six are Scoutmaster Simon, motormouth Mel...

Eggman, you'd better get cracking, otherwise you'd better get packing.

..and S Club Sam.

Don't stop moving to the S Club beat. Whoo!

Well, it's a gimmick, it's a gimmick. Right, we're moving on. They look really fired up.

On podiums seven and eight it's Nina the ninja squirrel and newly single Yudi.

On nine and ten it's priceless Ally...

Blow the whistle, you pansy.

OK. And the funky judge, Victor.

On 11 and 12 stand exploding Kenny...

I ain't going to let gravity pull this Scot down. Come on!

..and stretchy Nix.

There'll be no tumbling from this gymnast. Bring it on.

OK, they're ready, they're clueless, they'll soon be hurting.

Seven are about to take a dive. Five are about to take a hike all the way to the top of Crash Mountain.

Three, two, one.

Off it goes. Who's going to be first to scale Crash Mountain?

Kenny goes for it but he's straight in the water.

Paul leaps but it's too fast for him.

Everyone else is sitting back.

No, hang on, S Club Sam is on, he's on.

But only momentarily.

Mel jumps. Rubbish.

Oh!

Trouserless Andy having a go now. He's on. Oh, good ducking work.

And he's done it, first person on today. Sarah will be very proud.

He's going through to the next round. Right, Mel's on again.

Oh, she takes a knock but manages to hold on. She's getting close.

Oh, so close but yet so far and wet and bruised.

Big swinging arm meets Mel's little legs, that's what happened there.

Now, stretchy Nix ducks the first one.

Tries to jump the second. It was an outrageous attempt,

but it failed. Mel's on again, straight off again.

Kenny now. No chance.

Paul the clown.

That's just laughable.

They're all trying it now.

Victor makes it to the middle but, oh, the funky judge gets so close

to joining Andy but narrowly misses the stairs. So back to the action.

S Club Sam again bumped off.

Come on, lads, it's not that hard.

That's easy for you to say, Andy. Because it is.

Des, it's a bit too slippy for him.

Surely Mel's got to make it this time. She's had a lot of practice.

Good ducking, good...

Hang on, Nix's jumped on too. Will that put Mel off?

The contestants are really desperate to grab those four remaining places in the next round.

Go on, Kenny! Go on, Kenny!

That, kids, is why you should always wear a helmet on Crash Mountain.

Better still, don't get on it. Still only Andy in the centre

but the funky judge makes a run for it, and he's made it.

-Yes.

-Finally Andy has company in the middle.

So that's two through to the next round, three places still up for grabs. Mel's on again.

Come on, surely this time, surely. Oh, so close.

# You're once, twice

# Three times a lady... #

Let's not try and make it graceful and beautiful, it just hurts.

Des makes a dash for it

and then a swim for it. Now Nix has made it on.

Some good ducking and diving there.

Kenny joins Nix.

Ooh, this is drama now.

Nix makes it and, oh, Kenny fall in, almost at the same moment.

So far, then, trouserless Andy,

Victor the funky judge and stretchy Nix are safely into the next round.

Only two places left in Dizzy Dummies. Who's going to make it?

Will it be Paul the clown, Eggy Des, Nina the ninja squirrel, S Club Sam, newly singly Yudi,

exploding Kenny, Scoutmaster Simon, motormouth Mel or priceless Ally?

Priceless Ally goes for it, taking it nice and easy, nice and...ooh!

Oh, this is working well.

Just taking her time. Oh, right in the ribs. A-ha.

I think that's going to wind her.

Yeah, she just didn't see that one coming, which is a surprise,

because it's gone round dozens of times already. I mean, I knew it was there.

Scoutmaster Simon is the latest onto the big red spoon.

-Oh, good duck.

-Come on, eggman.

Oh, good ducking.

Swan dive.

Head butting mountains is just... not the best, why would you do that?

Mel once again with a successful landing.

Oh, she makes a run for it, she's going, she's on, she's finally on.

She's earned that place. Des fancies some of that action and he's across.

Oh, we have five.

And that brings Crash Mountain to an end for today.

Did someone tell Yudi it's over? Will they tell her now it's over?

Words she's heard and used herself recently.

Mel received a little bunk-up from the giant spinning arm

whilst Eggy Des just waltzed across the beam without a care in the world apparently. Great news for them.

Not such great news for the others, because they're out.

So, while five heroes reached the summit of Crash Mountain without a Sherpa,

seven unheroes must return to base camp with sunken heads.

But most of them got their heads sunken during that round anyway.

Can we check sunken is actually a word?

Time to say goodbye to those that crashed out of Crash Mountain.

The fear set in, legs like jelly,

and then you realise how fast it's spinning round

and you think, I'm never going to get on that platform.

I think I got smacked in the face

and spent the whole time trying to get back up those ladders.

I gave it my all but better people won.

Or luckier people more likely.

Very slippy. Obviously I let too many people jump on that were already wet, slipped straight off.

But I'm going back with my head held high so now I'm happy.

I'm really disappointed.

Every time I hit the thing I just slid straight off.

But I mean I'm trying to put on a brave face, you know, but I'm absolutely gutted, I really am.

If it doesn't work getting S Club 7 back together,

maybe I'll form a Wipeout 7.

Maybe I'll think of a better name than that.

It defeated me, it got me.

It's just the way it went. I couldn't have done any more.

It was so, so brave.

This tear's drying up. Bring me more tears.

I just hope I can pull myself together before the next round.

There we go. Time for Dizzy Dummies.

Our five remaining competitors get strapped into that dangerous looking instrument and are then spun around

at eye-bulging speeds for 40 seconds.

Once fully dizzified they must stumble up the revolving ramp and through the door.

From there it's the terrifying, badly named, brand new Tippy Table Maze.

That's a rubbish name.

The first four to make it across will line up and do the whole thing

again, this time going across The Blueberries.

Yeah I said The Blueberries, don't blame me for the names, they're weak.

By that time only three competitors will remain.

To put it bluntly, don't come last.

Ain't no crash test for these dummies, this is the real thing, it's Dizzy Dummies.

-Are you all ready?

-No.

-Ready.

One of them's ready so I say let's go. Three, two, one.

So it's time I think for a quick reminder of our soon to be nauseous five. First it's trouserless Andy...

I'm number one on this show.

..who saw off his girlfriend in the qualifier and defeated Crash Mountain. Next it's stretchy Nix...

I'm going to flex, I'm going to wiggle...

..who's so far proved she'll bend over backwards to get to the final.

Then there's funky judge Victor.

I took by the throat the circumcised dog.

Our oldest competitor shows the youngsters how it should be done,

by closing his eyes.

-Motormouth Mel looks a bit queasy.

-I'm going to give you hell.

I'm sure those batterings from Crash Mountain didn't help.

And finally, Des...

It ain't no yolk so let's get cracking.

..who still hopes his egg puns are the secret to success.

That's a cracking idea, that's... Oh, I'm sorry.

Right, if we're ready, get set, and stagger.

So they all charge towards the revolving ramp. Nix is first to the

door with Mel closely behind. Good start for the girls.

Nix is first onto the Tippy Table Maze.

You see it tips, that's what it does, but she leaps just in time.

That sends poor Mel into the water.

Eggy Des and Andy onto the first maze now.

Oh, well they were for a very brief moment.

Meanwhile, Nix is nearly across.

She just needs to get to the other side...

Come on, come on.

Of that giant foam block because right behind her is the funky judge.

Nix is across, she's the first to get through. Wily old Victor,

meanwhile, has waited for his moment and he's also through.

Three left, only two can progress remember.

Somebody's got to be leaving.

Trouserless Andy is on to the second maze but it's another swim

for Motormouth Mel and Eggy Des.

Andy doing very well, and he's made it.

So it's between motormouth Mel

and Eggy Des for that final place in the next dizzy dummies.

Poor Mel in the water again.

Eggy Des making good progress now.

Only one place left and two people.

Mel trying desperately to catch up.

Oh, but she just succeeds in going for another swim.

Oh.

Eggy Des makes it across very casually,

which means motormouth Mel is very clean from all the time

she's spent in the water but she's also now very eliminated.

Poor thing.

-Listen, you're so fit though and he's not as fit as you are, what happened?

-Weight difference.

-It was about the weight wasn't it?

-How disappointed are you right now?

-Glad it's over.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, I don't want to spin on that thing again, it's awful.

So the four remaining competitors go back into the Dizzy Dummy.

Well, it's legally not safe for humans. It turns out that this could be easily sorted by

slipping a few pesos to an Argentinian police officer.

MUSIC: "Magic Roundabout Theme" by Alain Legrand

The happy music doesn't help. It's still hideous on there.

OK, they've stopped, they're unbuckling and off they go for one last run.

Only three of these four will make it to the Wipeout Zone.

Nix is out again and first through the door.

She becomes the first mammal to test out The Blueberries.

Yeah.

I don't know what to expect either.

Oh. She's fallen.

Andy's straight in there and straight off there.

Victor's assault on The Blueberries begins here.

# I found my freedom On blueberry hill... #

I get it, I get the track. Great excuse for a good track.

Look at him, he's loving it. Now we know what it's about.

The funky judge must now get to the platform though.

Oh, I think he's folded in half.

So close but now it's so far to swim back to the start. That final jump isn't going to be easy.

Trouserless Andy then will be the next to attempt The Blueberry dismount.

Balance, balance, oh, he nearly hangs on but it's back to the start for Andy as well.

Now Nix. She's very wobbly.

She's going to jump, she's going to jump, she's fallen in the water.

It's obviously not easy to get leverage from a wobbly inflatable Blueberry. Who'd have thought that?

Not many people would know it. We could be here a long time.

Victor now, another attempt.

Oh. Anyone getting deja vu?

That's it.

You've got loads of time.

Yeah. Andy composing himself. A steady approach might just do the job.

What's this? Some dirty ball wobbling tricks from Eggy Des?

-Oh, no.

-He's nudged Andy into the water.

Not strictly against the rules, but superhero Eggy Des just

flirted with the dark side to become rotten Eggy Des.

Sarah's not happy.

This could be like a superhero fight thing going on.

So rotten eggy Des attempts to be the first to dismount The Blueberries and he's going to

make it, he's on, he's done it, he's done it, which just goes to show, it doesn't always pay to be a good guy.

# Sitting on dock of the bay wasting time... #

What's funky judge up to? Listen mate, there's no time for a breather.

It looks as though our judge has adjourned himself out of the game.

I think he's maybe run out of steam.

That's good news for Andy and Nix who will join Des in the Wipeout Zone.

It's also good news for me - desperate for the loo. Too much tea.

I really feel for you.

-That is such a tough game.

-I just couldn't swim any more.

It's been a terrific experience and I really, really enjoyed it, and three good guys have gone through.

So with Victor retiring the three finalists are selected.

They've made it one step closer to the £10,000 prize

and that big, shiny, yet surprisingly inexpensive trophy.

But what does it mean to a determined and courageous contestant to reach the Wipeout Zone?

I don't know, I've never done it.

Let's ask them. I totally could do it, it's just not my thing.

I'm ready for the Wipeout Zone.

I'm going to give it everything I've got, every last ounce of energy,

and I'm going to do it.

I know I'm excited, really excited. I've always wanted to do this bit.

This to me was the ultimate bit of the course.

To get this far, to make it here, is... So many people are back at home so proud, I am so proud.

I get teased constantly about being a cheerleader,

but I've come here and I've proven that cheerleading isn't just for girls.

I think doing sports like acrobatics has really improved my strength.

The flexibility has been pushed, and the balance has been pushed.

She can do things with her legs that I've never seen anybody do before.

She doesn't stop, she doesn't give up, she never wants to stop at anything.

Des is a big strong guy, but I reckon he's going to get tired.

That man has got the longest reach possible.

I think he's going to be the one to watch.

The egg will see me through. That's the edge I've got.

I've got the super powers to see me through.

Honestly, you can't even imagine how much I just want to always win.

I would really like to wipe the smile off those boys' faces

and become the second girl to ever win Total Wipeout.

So let's see what the three brave finalists are about to face.

Killer Surf - there's danger in those waters.

The Rapid Climb - there's even more danger in those waters.

Reach the top in under ten seconds or the floodgates will open.

The Balance Beam. Danger, slippery when wet.

The Crazy Sweeper.

Positively a slip hazard just waiting to happen.

The Tarzan Swing - fall and you'll probably slip a disc.

And finally, a jump from the turntable onto the winner's podium

and the clock is stopped.

We have a girl, we have a boy, and we have a boyfriend.

It's the Wipeout Zone and the first to go tonight is the boyfriend. It's Andy.

So Andy approaches the starting blocks with girlfriend Sarah watching on.

It's the moment you've all been waiting for. Here we go.

Yeah well, steady Andy. Not all of us.

I'm waiting for a curry I ordered an hour ago. Anyway, he's off.

Andy's ring skids across the water

and he swims towards the Rapid Climb.

Can't believe I did that without laughing.

I think we've lost him.

Where is he? Where's he gone? Oh, this is a bad start.

Oh, there we go. Now Andy must begin his slippery ascent.

He's on his feet and the ten second countdown has started

before thousands of litres of water are flushed out,

and that, trust me, is trouble.

Uh oh, three, two, one, brace yourselves because here it comes.

Oh. Andy is somewhere in the middle of that torrent.

Andy does very well not to get swept away there.

He needs to get a move on if he's going to set a competitive time.

Come on, come on, keep the pressure on.

His girlfriend Sarah cheering him on.

Onto the Balance Beam now, not easy with slippery feet.

That balance and concentration and effort.

Trouserless Andy edges his way along.

Is he allowed to do that?

Amanda, as co-host you really should know that,

and when you find out could you tell me because I don't know.

Now, Crazy Sweeper.

Andy steadies himself and waits for the perfect moment. And waits.

And waits. And waits. Oh, come on, Andy.

Still waiting.

Now he's off. Oh, manages to miss that, ducks to avoid that.

Run for your life, Andy, run.

Yeah, yeah, oh, another tactical duck from Andy but it'll have to be

quick across these stepping stones now because he needs that time.

Hurry, come on, come on. He's so nearly made it.

Here we go. Oh, no, no.

Andy was one jump away from making it across,

but that giant arm just catches up with him. So close.

Now it's a climb up to the Rope Swing.

Taking a lot of effort now, this has got to be hurting.

Andy prepares himself, swings, but that is not going to make it

to the turntable. In the water again.

No!

Sarah gutted for him. Another climb.

Up to the turntable now and just one leap to go.

And he makes it.

His time 3 minutes 53, and what a gritty display that was.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Andy showed lots of determination to keep going despite his falls,

and while his time could have been better I'm sure his girlfriend Sarah couldn't be more proud.

Oh, Sarah. Do you think you've done her proud?

I know I've done her proud.

I think you've proved that because your time tonight was a very hard 3 minutes and 53 seconds.

-Oh, delighted, I'm absolutely delighted.

-Good man, Andy.

I tell you what, we've got a tough chick coming up next.

It's our girl, it's Nix.

Stretchy Nix climbs the stairs to prepare for her assault on the wipeout zone.

I'm doing it for the girls.

And the ten grand.

She's off...and it's a good landing from Nix

as she swims to the Rapid Climb.

Probably a good idea to keep your mouth closed here.

Don't know what's in that water - had it tested, broke the machine.

Gallons of water now flowing into her mouth. Close it.

OK, she's up onto the Rapid Climb, she's up and I think on her feet.

Now she's got ten seconds remember before the waters of hell

are unleashed, that big tidal wave.

But this does look quick.

She might just make it to the top before the tidal wave hits.

Three, two, one, here it comes. Oh.

But she's held on and she's onto the Balance Beam now.

-She'll be good at this.

-Yeah.

She's certainly looking good at this.

Yes, balance of course not a problem for Nix. Very confidently done.

Wow.

And now Nix must take on the Crazy Sweeper.

She's adopting the duck and dive technique

and it's working well for her so far.

It might not be the quickest way across,

but she hasn't been knocked in yet. Maybe it's safer.

Now onto those precarious podiums.

She's up and walking.

Oh, and she's in.

-Oh, no, you're so close.

-That's exactly what happened to you.

-To me.

Nix thought she could make a dash for it,

but the Crazy Sweeper had other ideas -

ideas about knocking her off the podium.

OK, a big swing is required now.

That was just a little swing. Oh.

Oh, that means more effort,

she's got to climb back up, but she's done that.

One final jump for Nix now. This is going to be a better time

than Andy's if she can just land it.

She lands it, and in the time of 3 minutes 15 seconds.

She is now ahead of Andy.

Although Nix swallowed her fair share of water she has come out on top.

Now only last runner Des can stand between her and the Total Wipeout trophy.

Amanda's going to give her the good news.

You've been our bendy, flexible friend all day, but Andy was equally wonderful out here tonight.

Nix, I've got to tell you, you were faster than Andy.

I'm sorry you're going to have to join the others.

Well done, mate, congratulations.

Oh, yes, you know what this means.

There is one thing between you and £10,000 and that is a man and his name is Des.

He'll do anything to win, including nudging people off blueberries.

It's eggy Des.

Eat your eggs, kids, and you too could be number one.

Go on, come on, Des.

He's in and swimming quickly to the Rapid Climb.

Looks to be straight up with ease.

Standing up against those torrents of water.

This is a controlled climb from Des, he's holding on tight.

Got just ten seconds to reach the top before the tidal wave hits him.

Thousands of gallons of cold water are about to try and flush him out.

But Des has survived it, he's still there.

Oh, sounding tired already,

but he must steady himself now for the Balance Beam.

Des edging his way round, using the wall for support.

No mistakes yet but that could all change with the Crazy Sweeper.

It's all about the timing.

Des picks his moment and he goes for it.

Oh, but he picked the wrong moment and Des is swept off into the water.

I think Des tried to dodge the swinging beam but got brushed off into the wet stuff

which means he's got to swim and climb his way to the Rope Swing.

CROWD: Dezzie, Dezzie...

All this off piste activity won't be helping Des's time.

He'll need all his eggy powers to get up onto the turntable

because he must be "eggshausted".

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist it. Not now, it's not the time.

He needs a good swing now.

A glance at the clock tells me

he's actually in with a real chance of snatching the win here.

He could do it. That won't help.

Straight back up the ladder.

If he can make this last leap he will be today's champion.

He can't afford to hang around. Get on with it.

Get on with it. And he stopped the clock, but he's lost his balance.

I'm not too sure he meant to do that.

Not exactly finishing in style, but it is victory for Eggy Des.

Like his fellow finalists, Des's run was littered with slip ups,

but he has done enough to beat the time set by stretchy Nix.

Remember, he currently has no idea so it's over to Amanda to reveal the result.

Nix, you were absolutely brilliant.

Des, the power of the egg has been with you all day and it certainly

was with you tonight because you are the Total Wipeout champion.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you. Thanks. Oh...

So today's champion is Des, the egg seller from Maidstone.

He not only wins £10,000, but also the biggest and shiniest egg cup he's ever seen.

That's all for today but join me next time for some of this.

What was that?

Oh, I can hardly wait. From Amanda and me it's goodbye.

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