Episode 1 Total Wipeout


Episode 1

Richard Hammond presents the game show in which 20 Brits tackle an obstacle course in Argentina for a £10,000 prize. New challenges for 2010 include the evil Motivator.


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Transcript


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Flying high above the Buenos Aires skyline. It can mean only one thing.

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Total Wipeout is back and Argentina's playing host, 7,000 miles from home.

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20 courageous souls, including a dog walker, a kebab shop owner and a bouncer have journeyed from Britain

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to take on the greatest obstacle course in the universe.

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Well, the known universe. One will succeed, but 19 will unsucceed.

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Let the games begin.

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Hello and welcome to a brand new series.

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Now, how would you describe a show like Total Wipeout?

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Some critics have called it puerile slapstick, while others have called it mindless idiocy,

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but they're wrong - it's actually a subtle blend of the two.

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So what puerile idiocy do we have in store this evening?

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The Qualifier, bigger and better than ever before.

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Crash Mountain, well, what on Earth is that?

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Dizzy Dummies, they've stuck new bits on it.

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And the all-new Wipeout Zone, which no-one told me about!

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Wow, that looks impressive.

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They really have pushed the boat out there. A complete overhaul of Total Wipeout.

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Yeah, well, clearly that's where they've spent the money, then.

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It's good to know that some things do remain the same.

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Me, this uncomfortable, cheap chair and my co-host Amanda Byram.

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She's at the top of the course with this series' very first contestant.

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I'm joined now at the top of The Qualifier by the lovely Mark from Lockerbie.

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So, Mark, what is it that you do?

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I've a few jobs actually, Amanda, but one of which,

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which is quite relevant to this, is a professional dog walker.

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So, I'm trying to make the leap in my mind, between the high octane world of dog walking

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and the Total Wipeout course. What have you got in the tank, Mark?

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You need a lot of concentration and a lot of control when you've got six dogs flapping about your feet.

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OK, time for walkies.

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Oh, good nose holding technique from dog walker Mark,

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a gesture more normally seen when it comes to pooper-scooper time.

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44-year-old Mark is out of the water

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and ambling his way along the pontoons.

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Little does he realise it's time for him to test out a new obstacle.

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Inspired by the classic Argentinian parlour game Las Traplonkas,

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comes the first new obstacle of the series

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and the very latest in Total Wipeout entertainment.

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It's an ingenious amalgamation of a swing and a plank.

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It takes balance, it takes skill and it took no time at all to build.

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That's Traplonk!

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Anyway, Mark will be the first human to attempt it,

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so far it's only been tested using monkeys.

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Oh, I miss those monkeys, lovely little things.

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Right... Oh, wait a minute, where's he gone?

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Ooh, it's not worked.

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No, he's back!

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I saw lawyers in every...

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If only Mark had held on to the trapeze

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as tightly as he holds on to those dog leads,

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he'd have made it, but he didn't.

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Right, there's still one Traplonk - it's catching on - left for Mark.

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What has he learned from his first attempt?

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OK, and he's learnt to hold on tighter to the trapeze.

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But he hasn't learnt when to let go.

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It will catch on.

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After two dunkings and the onset of hypothermia,

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it's time for Mark to move on to the Sucker Punch.

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An old familiar friend, the Sucker Punch wall,

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a timeless design classic and Humpty Dumpty's worst nightmare.

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A big wall with 22 boxing gloves and not a king's man or horse in sight.

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Right, anyway, here goes nothing.

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This is it.

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Oh, there goes Mark!

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Let's not dwell on the negatives here.

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Mark did manage to get past one of the 22 fists. Yeah...

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# Oh, you are a mucky kid

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# Dirty as a dustbin lid. #

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The next obstacle needs no introduction.

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Actually, I probably should introduce it, it is the Big Balls.

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They're back and this year they've got an all new addition, the Motivator!

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Goodbye, Big Ball ditherers, so long, time wasters.

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The Motivator is guaranteed to put a spring into the slowest of steps,

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so if you snooze, you lose, you bruise and you get very, very wet.

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So, will Mark get Motivated?

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He's at the ramp.

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Not got time to stop and think.

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Will he? No, not this time.

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He's going straight in... Into the water, that is.

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Yeah, Mark was too quick for the Motivator there, which is a shame, to be honest.

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I really wanted to see it in action. Maybe next time.

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So, the dog walker needs to do a bit of swimming now.

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-He's doing the doggy paddle.

-I couldn't be bothered with that one.

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Good to see her unwavering support for the contestants hasn't changed.

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She's just an iceberg of concern and sympathy.

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Right, final obstacle, and it's another new one.

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It is the Cradles Of Doom.

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Now, two pendulous platforms which the competitors must traverse

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to reach that elusive final target.

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Time it wrong, and they'll fall to their doom...

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Well, in the pond, there. Is it humanly possible to get across them?

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To be honest, no-one knows cos even the monkeys gave up at this point.

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So, Mark eyes up the new challenge.

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Yes, Mark, it's real.

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He's on to the first. Timing is crucial now. Come on, Mark!

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Oh, no, he's doomed!

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Yeah, the Cradles have officially claimed their first victim.

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Dog walker Mark almost neutered himself there.

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Yeah, I did it to my Jack Russell, it's fair enough.

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So, Mark climbs to the top of the podium and marks his territory

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in five minutes and 13 seconds.

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Whoo-hoo!

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He looks ruff!

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Oh, Mark, my lovely.

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Take your goggles off, darling. You're done with the course now.

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There he is.

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Talk to me, how was it?

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It's not as easy as it looks, you know.

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Don't try this at home.

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Next to tackle The Qualifier, we have a bona fide champion in our midst.

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Eyes down, clickety click,

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these legs 11 are going to do the trick. Whoo-hoo!

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Yeah, it's 2004 Bingo Caller Of The Year, Mandy from Leicestershire.

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-So, come on, who's excited about that?

-Whoo!

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Mandy is, obviously.

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And off she goes.

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Mandy starts with a number 25, a duck and a dive.

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Number three, deary me.

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This is going to get wearing, isn't it?

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Amanda freestyling the bingo numbers there.

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Here goes!

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Mandy gets a couple of 33s, dirty knees.

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I'm going to stop this now.

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Unlucky for some, number 13.

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All right, I'll give you that one, Amanda. That is a real one.

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Go-go, bingo balls!

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Muddy Mandy is going to need all the luck she can get

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-as she heads towards the next obstacle.

-Right.

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Release those balls!

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OK, the Motivator hovering to encourage her if she needs it. Ooh!

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She jumps just as the Motivator swings in, and she falls in.

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I'm sure it was the noise of the Motivator kicking in

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that disrupted Mandy's efforts.

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Gravity didn't help, either.

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Maybe she could have done with some bingo wings!

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Come on!

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Oh, he's keen.

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This is 59-year-old Chris from Liverpool

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and he's looking good.

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-Oh, yes!

-Yeah, on to the Traplonks, the second one.

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-Oh, no! Disaster.

-Yes... Maybe...

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Yes... Maybe...

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Yeah, marvellous performance by Chris, give him his due.

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Oh, yeah.

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-No.

-Oh.

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Let's say goodbye to Chris and hello to Matt,

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a 29-year-old airport worker from London.

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What's up, Matt?

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So, Matt, you work at Heathrow Airport.

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Are you an air steward or a pilot?

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No, I'm nothing exciting like that. I help less able passengers.

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Do you drive one of those little thingies that beep-beep-beep,

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always gets me out of the way?

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I used to until I had three accidents crashing into lifts and breaking them.

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-Are we a little bit clumsy, Matt?

-Very.

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Anything to trip over, I will be.

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Oh, good, this should be interesting.

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Usually you see me at the airport, now watch me fly around the course.

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Go on then, Matt, off you fly.

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Yes.

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Well, a cautious start to the course from Matt.

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Oh!

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Let's see if he can fly over the Traplonks.

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OK, here he goes. Oh, no.

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Matt's experiencing a slight delay.

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-Yes!

-He's done it, he's Traplonked.

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It will catch on. Straight across the second.

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Matt becomes our very first double Traplonker.

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That though, Matt, technically isn't an obstacle. That's... Umm.

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Right, let's see if he can conquer the Sucker Punch, as well.

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Here we go. Oh!

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No. More of a glancing blow than a flying punch,

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but it did the trick. On to the Balls.

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Remember, the Motivator hovering, no time for dithering.

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Don't stop me now, Balls!

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Oh, look at him go. Look at him go!

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Oh!

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Some fantastic aerial manoeuvres by the airport man, there.

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Oh, yeah.

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I think the backs of his knees went in first, which is impossible.

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On to the Cradles Of Doom now

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and time for a quick pre-flight safety check.

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Oh, yeah, yeah, you've lost your goggles.

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Yeah, you have. Can he still see?

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Or maybe he's better off without them.

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Maybe... Maybe not.

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Short climb to the target now and Matt The Airport posts a time

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of 3 minutes 23, the fastest so far today.

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Wahey!

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What's he doing? Oh, yeah,

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guiding in a 737 from Malaga.

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Time for some real enthusiasm now.

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I'm like a Jack in the Box.

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I'm going to jump up and surprise you all.

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Oh, I'm surprised already, if only by the socks.

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Right, Gillian is into the water and out of the water and has certainly

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got a spring in her step,

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but will that help her get across the Traplonks?

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Oh, yes, it will! The second Traplonk.

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Yes!

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Well, Gillian's literally bounced her way across.

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Fantastic, another Traplonker.

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Next obstacle and this should be Big Ball gold.

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Ooh, the Motivator's off!

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It just clips her and Gillian's in.

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No time to stop and think.

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MUSIC: "That Ole Devil Called Love" by Alison Moyet

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Right, she's got to swim out of the water, climb the ladder

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and just the Cradles to go now.

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Look at that, Gillian's in the box!

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Oh, she's made the second. Will she conquer the Cradles Of Doom?

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Yes! Yes, she's done it and in two minutes 43,

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-the fastest time so far today.

-Yes!

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Yes, she's still jumping.

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I think that last one winded her, actually.

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Meet pizza and kebab shop owner, Ali.

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Now, I'm presuming you get that physique from a constant diet of kebabs, yeah?

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I'm not going to lie. Of course, I eat a lot of chicken.

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Are you going to do that over the big red balls?

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And that as well.

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Yeah, all right, I've never seen a pizza delivery boy like Ali before.

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Imagine him turning up at your door!

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Remember, if he takes longer than ten minutes, you'll get a free Coke.

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God, especially if he does that!

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Right, and he's off.

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Oh, look at that! Where's he gone?

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He's out and he's up on his feet.

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Ooh, here comes Ali and his big arms.

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All right, we could all have them if we had time!

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Look at him go. This is epic.

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Actually, this man is a bit of a machine.

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-Look at the muscles on that!

-All right, calm down, Amanda.

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-Mrs Ali might be watching. She might have bigger arms.

-Oh!

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Right, he's out of the water, on top of the world, but this

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is no time for showboating, Ali, get on with it, come on!

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Sucker Punch is waiting.

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Oh, it's making mincemeat out of the kebab man.

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I took no pleasure or joy from seeing a muscley man

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fall in the mud.

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Ha! Serves him right. On to the Big Balls now.

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If anyone can conquer them, surely it's a big muscley guy like Ali.

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Maybe not.

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Time for the Cradles Of Doom.

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Muscle and sinew versus foam and chipboard. He's on to the first.

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Actually, this is looking good.

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-Oh, second cradle is in the bag.

-Yes!

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Just one jump to go.

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Oh, that's a swim and a climb.

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That was so hopeful. Never mind, Ali,

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that fall has cost you some time,

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but you still finished in a very respectable

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three minutes and four seconds.

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Hey!

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Yeah!

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Yeah, a big finish now, Ali.

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I do try to do like "jiggedy biggedy diggedy bop,"

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but I done like "jiggedy biggedy splash." That is...

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That is the fun, isn't it?

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I'm sorry, can we run through that one again? Cos I'm lost. I...

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-"Jiggedy biggedy diggedy bop."

-Yeah(!)

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-"Jiggedy biggedy splash."

-Still not...

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Yeah! Look at that, pure Turkish delight! Oh, don't do that.

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So, right now the leaderboard looks a little bit like this.

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Gilly in the Box is first, in second place it's Jiggedy Big Ali,

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Matt The Airport is third,

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Riverdance Chris is fourth, Bingo Mandy is fifth

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and Barking Mark is currently lying last.

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So far then, in this brand new series, six contestants have shown

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us their strength, their dignity and their muddied backsides.

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Mostly it's just been the muddied backsides. More, please!

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Meet 23 year old nightclub bouncer from Teesside - Jill.

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Her name is on the list, so she's got in.

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OK, so, imagine I'm standing between you and the big red balls,

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I've had a couple of drinks, what are you going to do?

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OK.

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Whoa! Steady! Get off her!

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And that's why I took the comfy indoor role on this show.

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I'm going to bounce my way round this course! Whoo!

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And she's off. There... There she goes.

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She's still off down the slide.

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She's still... She's still going.

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Jill The Bouncer needs to build up a bit of momentum there. Yeah.

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Maybe... Maybe it's a water thing, I don't know.

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There... There! Come on, Jill.

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She's in a spot of bother, now.

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Don't worry, help is at hand.

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Bring on the Total Wipeout lifeguards -

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Eduardo and his cousin, who's also called Eduardo.

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Buy one, get one free. These guys are the best in the business in Argentina.

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They're fit, they're happy to wear snug fitting wetsuits and they're very cheap.

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David Hasselhoff, eat your heart out. But they're also quite strong.

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Thanks. Thanks. Can I go now? Can I go?

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So, now Jill's been rescued,

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let's see how she does on the first obstacle.

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Well, when she gets there.

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Oh, dear, I've a feeling this could take a while.

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Let's come back to Jill later.

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Quite a lot later.

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This is Adam from Glossop.

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-Yeah!

-Yeah! He sells fruit and veg.

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Let's go for it, come on! Yeah, baby!

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Hence the chirpy demeanour.

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Yeah. Easily across the first Traplonk.

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The second, now. Oh, great start!

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That must have been a banana skin.

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That'll teach him.

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Let's have it!

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He is not hanging around.

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Look at that, straight in...

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oh, the water. Straight down.

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Maybe Adam can strain his beans while he's in there.

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That's not a euphemism for anything,

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I just mean actually literally strain some beans.

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He's going up the apples and pears.

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That's Cockney rhyming slang for ladder.

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The Cradles Of Doom, now.

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Adam Apple's on to the first.

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And the second. Now, the final jump.

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Can Adam Apple join the select one who's made it across today?

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-Yes, he can. And in a one, 56 time overall, brilliant.

-Yeah, baby!

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What a fantastic run from Adam Apple.

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He still has his fruit and veg perfectly intact.

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Right, back to Jill, who is soldiering on now and

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showing some of that great British spirit that makes us all so proud.

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This may not be the fastest time over the course,

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but it's a perfect example of true grit.

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You go, Jill, you go!

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Let's go soon, Jill. Oh, dear, oh.

0:18:310:18:34

That was a stunning reverse dismount,

0:18:350:18:38

which is sadly useless on The Qualifier.

0:18:380:18:40

Best leave her there for a while.

0:18:400:18:42

Now, sometimes Total Wipeout gets

0:18:420:18:44

accused of being a little bit old fashioned, but I can assure you that we have street cred,

0:18:440:18:49

oh, yes, and just to prove it our next three contestants are da bomb,

0:18:490:18:54

they are bad, which is the new good, and they're sick, and I don't mean they've been swallowing the water.

0:18:540:19:00

First up on the mic it's Sherika. Hit it!

0:19:020:19:06

SHE RAPS: I'm faster than a bullet. I sting like a bee.

0:19:060:19:08

The other contestants ain't got nothing on me.

0:19:080:19:10

Ah, respect, Sherika.

0:19:100:19:12

Now big it up for Anna from da mean streets of Cardiff.

0:19:120:19:16

SHE RAPS: I used to run. I'm going to ruin this course.

0:19:160:19:18

You won't be rescuing me.

0:19:180:19:20

That was the shizzle! Next up, Nat is on the ones and twos.

0:19:200:19:25

SHE RAPS: I'm Nattie, I'm batty, I'm scatty, I'm quirky.

0:19:250:19:29

Let's do this, don't hurt me.

0:19:290:19:32

OK, freestyle. And, finally, Kim's in da house.

0:19:320:19:36

SHE RAPS: I mean, I'm keen, I'm the Wipeout machine!

0:19:360:19:38

Kim, that was bad.

0:19:380:19:40

Yeah!

0:19:400:19:41

As in really, really terrible.

0:19:410:19:43

OK, let's see if these girls can run better than they can rap.

0:19:430:19:46

# Yo, pretty ladies around the world Got a weird thing to show you

0:19:460:19:52

# So tell all the boys and girls

0:19:520:19:54

# Tell your brother, your sister and your mama, too

0:19:540:19:58

# Cos they're about throw down

0:19:580:20:00

# And you know just what to do

0:20:000:20:02

# Wave your hands in the air Like you don't care

0:20:020:20:05

# Glide by the people as they start to look and stare

0:20:050:20:11

# Do your dance, do your dance Do your dance quick

0:20:110:20:15

# Mama, come on, baby Tell me what's the word

0:20:150:20:19

# Word up Everybody say

0:20:190:20:23

# When you hear the call You've got to get it underway

0:20:230:20:27

# Word up It's the code word

0:20:270:20:32

# No matter where you say it You'll know that you'll be heard

0:20:320:20:36

# Now all you sucker DJs Who think you're fly

0:20:360:20:40

# There's got to be a reason And we know the reason why... #

0:20:400:20:45

Well, the good news is they all finished the course.

0:20:450:20:48

The better news is they're all out of breath and can no longer rap.

0:20:480:20:51

I think I need my inhaler.

0:20:530:20:56

If you thought those kids were cool, then check out this dancing diva.

0:20:560:21:00

Now, this hot mover is 27-year-old Sam from Boston in Lincolnshire. He seems to have hurt his ankle.

0:21:000:21:06

I don't know, does that mean he's sick, as well? Ah, I'm getting confused.

0:21:060:21:10

Yabba-dabba-doo!

0:21:100:21:13

-Ooh, that was impressive!

-Really?

0:21:150:21:17

On to the Traplonk now. Come on then, twinkle toes, let's Traplonk.

0:21:170:21:22

In slow motion, you can quite clearly see where he went wrong.

0:21:220:21:26

It was when he just fell in the mud.

0:21:260:21:30

Technically. On to the Big Balls now.

0:21:300:21:32

The Motivator ready, but not needed.

0:21:320:21:34

Yes, yes! No!

0:21:340:21:37

No. A for effort!

0:21:370:21:41

I'm soaking after that.

0:21:410:21:43

OK, a bit of a dunk, a bit of a swim.

0:21:450:21:49

Just... Oh.

0:21:490:21:51

Just the Cradle to beat now.

0:21:510:21:53

Oh, brilliant!

0:21:530:21:55

Light-footed across those two. The pressure is on now.

0:21:550:21:59

Oh! Right in the mush! That is going to smart.

0:22:010:22:04

-Yeah, well, oh...

-Oh, my God.

0:22:040:22:06

Ah, I thought his head had come off!

0:22:090:22:11

I think he just let the imprint of his teeth on the top of that podium.

0:22:110:22:15

Sam puts in a cracking effort and completes The Qualifier

0:22:150:22:19

in a very respectable 3 minutes 26.

0:22:190:22:22

Unlike Jill, who, after nine and a half minutes

0:22:220:22:25

is still battling the course, but not giving up.

0:22:250:22:27

You go, Jill! Show them what you're made of.

0:22:270:22:30

Now attempting to climb a ladder!

0:22:300:22:33

-Aaah!

-Urgh! Well, it was tough.

0:22:330:22:36

Now, um hmm...

0:22:360:22:38

Argh!

0:22:380:22:39

-God damn it!

-I don't know what to say.

0:22:390:22:42

I reckon it might be time once again

0:22:420:22:44

for those boys in snug-fitting wetsuits.

0:22:440:22:46

It's lifeguard o'clock!

0:22:460:22:48

Crikey! That's beyond the call of duty, there. There's no extra pay.

0:22:480:22:53

You wouldn't catch David Hasselhoff doing THAT! Maybe he's a vet, I don't know.

0:22:560:23:00

Finally, in a time of 16 minutes and 44 seconds, Jill The Bouncer reaches

0:23:000:23:05

the finish zone with the slowest time ever in Total Wipeout history.

0:23:050:23:09

I did it!

0:23:110:23:13

There was two things I had to be helped on.

0:23:130:23:16

I don't know where his hands were going, but he certainly... They certainly disappeared somewhere!

0:23:160:23:21

Time now for another look at the leaderboard.

0:23:220:23:25

Adam Apple's pick of the crop in first place.

0:23:250:23:27

Gilly In The box is second, Jiggedy Big Ali's third,

0:23:270:23:31

followed by Matt The Airport, Dancing Sam and Riverdance Chris.

0:23:310:23:35

The three rappers are next, then it's Bingo Mandy, MC Anna

0:23:350:23:39

and, finally, Barky Mark.

0:23:390:23:40

Well, Jill may have put in an epic performance, but she just misses out on a place in the next round.

0:23:420:23:48

Only the 12 fastest qualifiers will go through, so let's waste no time and meet the next eager contender.

0:23:480:23:55

Well, let's waste just a little bit of time. There you go.

0:23:550:24:01

Hang on a second, isn't that Sunbed Jonny from last series? He's back for another go.

0:24:010:24:06

Haven't we met before?

0:24:080:24:09

It was my brother. I believe he was called Sunbed Jonny.

0:24:090:24:12

Here's Jonny!

0:24:120:24:15

Yeah, and there's his twin brother, Jeremy.

0:24:150:24:18

The only difference between those two is that Jeremy

0:24:180:24:21

uses a bit of fake tan, while Jonny uses wood stain.

0:24:210:24:24

I'm doing this for you, Sunbed Jonny!

0:24:250:24:27

The course might have beat you, but it's not going to beat me! Come on!

0:24:270:24:32

Ah, brotherly love.

0:24:320:24:34

That is quite moving, strangely. So Jeremy's got a lot to prove today,

0:24:340:24:38

not just about the competition, it's also about sibling rivalry.

0:24:380:24:42

-A good start as he charges off towards the Traplonks.

-Come on!

0:24:420:24:46

Oh, yes! Oh, almost.

0:24:460:24:51

There you go.

0:24:530:24:55

He's Traplonked.

0:24:550:24:56

-I love Big Balls.

-Yes!

-I love Big Balls!

0:24:560:25:00

OK, thanks for sharing. You'll regret that.

0:25:000:25:03

OK, and he's off.

0:25:030:25:05

Oh.

0:25:050:25:07

Jeremy falls off the Big Balls with surprising confidence.

0:25:080:25:12

There's a lot of technique involved in falling in...

0:25:120:25:14

In the water like that. It's not, you know...

0:25:140:25:16

Ah, it's easy, gravity does it.

0:25:160:25:18

Last year Sunbed Jonny blew it spectacularly on the final obstacle,

0:25:180:25:21

so let's take a look at that moment again, just for the fun of it.

0:25:210:25:24

Aaah!

0:25:240:25:27

Surely Jeremy can do better.

0:25:270:25:28

He's up against the Cradles Of Doom. Come on Jonny... I mean Jeremy.

0:25:280:25:32

Safely on to the first.

0:25:320:25:34

And on to the second.

0:25:360:25:38

And he's nailed it!

0:25:420:25:45

Yes! Come on!

0:25:450:25:47

Yeah! That's a fantastic run by Not-Jonny-Jeremy.

0:25:470:25:51

He's finished in 1 minute 54 seconds,

0:25:510:25:53

beating his brother's time by over a minute.

0:25:530:25:56

I dedicate that to you, Sunbed Jonny. Let's hope I get through to the next round.

0:25:560:26:01

Oh, I'd take that as a definite, Jeremy.

0:26:010:26:03

Let's get a move on with this next group, who all think they bring something physical to the course.

0:26:030:26:09

They're pumped up and raring to go.

0:26:090:26:11

Meet Detective Inspector Danny.

0:26:120:26:15

This is Total Wipeout, but this cop's no cop-out.

0:26:150:26:18

Your balls are mine!

0:26:180:26:20

Keep-fit fanatic Janey.

0:26:200:26:21

They say it's not about the winning,

0:26:210:26:24

it's about the taking part. That's for losers, and I'm a winner. There can only be one.

0:26:240:26:31

Outdoor studies lecturer Nicki.

0:26:310:26:33

If obstacles are in your path, enjoy all the obstacles.

0:26:330:26:37

And John...

0:26:370:26:38

Aargh!

0:26:380:26:40

Who seems to be some kind of pirate. That'll be useful.

0:26:400:26:45

So far, my money's on the pirate.

0:26:490:26:52

Oh, a bit of role reversal here, the pirate being forced to walk the plank.

0:27:020:27:07

Here's Janey.

0:27:070:27:08

Oh, no! Oh, not this again!

0:27:100:27:14

It's... Yeah, stop.

0:27:140:27:15

Oh, just.

0:27:170:27:19

And there she goes again.

0:27:190:27:21

Yeah, yeah,

0:27:210:27:24

yeah, yeah.

0:27:240:27:26

Just get on with it! OK, she's away.

0:27:260:27:28

-Yes!

-Yeah, we're all relieved.

0:27:280:27:31

Detective Inspector Dan is on the job now.

0:27:310:27:33

# He's a hot cop... #

0:27:330:27:35

He'll be glad we played this for him.

0:27:350:27:38

# People say that I'm a dancing machine

0:27:380:27:41

# Cos he's a hot cop... #

0:27:410:27:43

He's done it!

0:27:430:27:45

Yes!

0:27:450:27:46

OK, the Sucker Punch now.

0:27:460:27:48

Punching a copper obviously not illegal in Argentina.

0:27:480:27:51

How will an outdoor activities instructor tackle the Big Balls?

0:27:530:27:58

Yep.

0:27:580:27:59

Oh! Oh!

0:27:590:28:01

I think she probably enjoyed that.

0:28:010:28:04

Pirate John now.

0:28:040:28:06

Scrambling about in Davy Jones' Locker.

0:28:060:28:09

Gym Bod Janey now.

0:28:090:28:12

Disappointing.

0:28:120:28:14

Surely DI Danny can get across the Balls?

0:28:140:28:17

Aaargh!

0:28:180:28:19

No. What's the matter with Janey?

0:28:190:28:22

Has she given up?

0:28:220:28:24

Get your breath.

0:28:240:28:25

-Probably just a bit of wind.

-Yeah, that can happen, it's the exertion.

0:28:270:28:32

Just the Cradles Of Doom now. I love this obstacle.

0:28:320:28:36

Nicki clearly doesn't.

0:28:360:28:38

Here's John.

0:28:380:28:40

Where are your sea legs now then, pirate?

0:28:400:28:43

Oh, in the water.

0:28:430:28:46

Come on, DI Danny, show them how it's done.

0:28:460:28:49

Oh, on to the first.

0:28:490:28:52

And the second. Oh!

0:28:540:28:56

This replay is dedicated to all the boys back at the station.

0:28:560:29:00

And it's all over. Nifty Nicki posts 2 minutes 4,

0:29:020:29:05

and DI Danny makes it in 2 minutes 35,

0:29:050:29:08

closely followed by John The Pirate, 2.47,

0:29:080:29:10

and Gym Bod Janey brings up the rear,

0:29:100:29:12

literally, in 3 minutes 56.

0:29:120:29:15

Yes!

0:29:150:29:17

Next it's 23-year-old Georgie from Gloucester.

0:29:170:29:20

She's already making a splash with our lifeguard Eduardo.

0:29:220:29:25

He's besotted. He's smitten.

0:29:250:29:27

Most of all, he's after a UK passport.

0:29:270:29:31

Don't underestimate me. I love fairies, cupcakes...

0:29:310:29:36

and danger.

0:29:360:29:38

Wow! Eduardo likes fairies and cupcakes, too, but not danger.

0:29:380:29:43

Right, let's see how much Georgie likes the very dangerous Traplonk.

0:29:430:29:47

She's on.

0:29:500:29:52

She's still on.

0:29:520:29:54

Oh, she loves it. She's cleared it.

0:29:550:29:57

On to the Big Balls now.

0:29:570:29:59

Georgie could do with a little spring in her step.

0:29:590:30:02

Oh, that was a lucky miss for the lucky Miss.

0:30:030:30:07

Not the best Georgie's ever looked, I suspect.

0:30:070:30:10

Eduardo's not fussy though - a fiance visa is a fiance visa.

0:30:100:30:15

Swim, Georgie, swim! Too late, he's got you.

0:30:150:30:18

Well, if Georgie doesn't win today, at least she'll be going home with something.

0:30:180:30:23

# I'm in the mood for love... #

0:30:230:30:27

Time now for the final contestant, 34-year-old Marcel, who's a teacher from Wales.

0:30:270:30:33

But Marcel's no ordinary teacher. No, he's the Head Of Science.

0:30:330:30:39

# The Head Of Science! #

0:30:390:30:41

So, just what goes on inside the Head Of Science?

0:30:410:30:44

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:30:440:30:46

So the chicken did come first. Oh, dear.

0:30:460:30:48

Well, can Monsieur Marcel and his boffin brain beat the Big Balls?

0:30:480:30:53

First, up the ramp.

0:30:540:30:55

He's safely on to one.

0:30:580:31:01

Oh, yeah!

0:31:010:31:02

Ah, that's two.

0:31:020:31:05

This... This is looking good.

0:31:050:31:08

Come on, Marcel, one ball left.

0:31:090:31:12

Can he?

0:31:120:31:14

Yes! Incredible, Monsieur Marcel is the first Total Wipeout

0:31:140:31:17

competitor this series to comp...

0:31:170:31:19

Oh, dear, my mistake, he's fallen off.

0:31:190:31:21

Still, I'm sure his pupils will go easy on him(!)

0:31:210:31:24

So near, yet so wet.

0:31:260:31:29

It was heartbreaking, but quite funny for us.

0:31:290:31:32

Can Marcel redeem himself on the Cradles Of Doom?

0:31:320:31:35

Safely on to one.

0:31:350:31:37

Come on.

0:31:370:31:38

Making the leap. He's on to two now.

0:31:410:31:42

Just one small step left for Marcel.

0:31:420:31:45

And one giant source of ridicule for his pupils to enjoy back at school.

0:31:470:31:53

The man of science finishes in three minutes dead.

0:31:530:31:56

No, he's not really dead, it's just three minutes exactly.

0:31:560:31:59

So, in first place on the final leaderboard it's Not-Jonny-Jeremy,

0:31:590:32:04

Adam Apple's second, Nifty Nicki's third, DI Danny's fourth,

0:32:040:32:08

"Aargh" John's sixth,

0:32:080:32:09

Jiggedy Big Ali is eighth,

0:32:090:32:11

Dancing Sam's 10th and Gym Bod Janey just makes it in 12th place.

0:32:110:32:16

And that marks the end of an epic qualifier, where 12 victorious Brits

0:32:160:32:21

have fought their way to a place in the next round.

0:32:210:32:24

Am I overstating this?

0:32:240:32:26

But, for now, let's spare a thought for the mud-spattered, dazed and eliminated eight.

0:32:260:32:31

# Don't let yourself go

0:32:330:32:38

# Cos everybody cries

0:32:410:32:45

# Everybody hurts

0:32:490:32:53

# Sometimes

0:32:540:32:57

# Hold on

0:32:570:33:02

# Hold on Hold on

0:33:020:33:08

# Hold on

0:33:100:33:12

# Hold on

0:33:120:33:16

# Hold on Hold... #

0:33:160:33:22

Right then, let's move on.

0:33:220:33:24

Coming next is the all-new Crash Mountain, and I must warn you, this is not for the fainthearted.

0:33:240:33:29

We found that out the hard way. It was horrible.

0:33:290:33:34

In the beginning, there was The Sweeper.

0:33:410:33:44

Fast, cruel and deadly,

0:33:440:33:47

attacking its prey without mercy, and one by one they fell,

0:33:470:33:52

but all creatures must evolve.

0:33:520:33:57

Now, there is a new breed - more powerful, more dangerous, more terrifying.

0:33:570:34:03

Few will survive, many will fall.

0:34:030:34:08

This is Crash Mountain.

0:34:080:34:11

Actually, that is genuinely impressive, isn't it?

0:34:110:34:13

I'm terrified watching.

0:34:130:34:16

So, essentially, it's a jump from the podium on to the platform, and a run to the centre.

0:34:160:34:20

Simple! Although, of course, the platform is rotating.

0:34:200:34:23

And there's another arm that swings to knock them off. Two, actually.

0:34:230:34:27

Other than that, a piece of cake!

0:34:270:34:28

Every time a contestant falls off they must climb back up on to any podium and try it again.

0:34:280:34:33

The first five to the centre will qualify for the next round. Got it?

0:34:330:34:37

This is who's playing Crash Mountain.

0:34:370:34:40

On podium one it's Dancing Sam.

0:34:400:34:42

# I'm going to whomp and stomp and a-whoop it up today! #

0:34:420:34:47

Yeah! On podiums two and three, it's Not Jonny Jeremy.

0:34:470:34:50

# I'm the devil in disguise

0:34:500:34:52

# Oh, yes, I am. #

0:34:520:34:53

And Gilly In The Box.

0:34:530:34:55

Look out, boys, the girls are going to spring up and surprise you all!

0:34:550:34:58

Yep! On four and five it's Monsieur Marcel,

0:34:580:35:02

-and Matt The Airport.

-I'm doing this for the underdogs!

0:35:020:35:06

On six, it's Adam Apple.

0:35:060:35:08

Jeremy, you might be top banana in The Qualifier,

0:35:080:35:11

but there's no room for bad apples on my pitch!

0:35:110:35:13

-On seven, eight, nine and ten it's Riverdance Chris.

-Yes!

0:35:130:35:18

DI Danny,

0:35:180:35:20

Gym Bod Janey,

0:35:200:35:21

and Jiggedy Big Ali.

0:35:210:35:22

And, finally, on 11 and 12, it's Nifty Nicki and "Aargh" John.

0:35:220:35:26

-I'm the best at what I do!

-Yeah, which is sounding like a pirate, essentially.

0:35:260:35:30

The Argentinian air is awash with the stench of fear, The Stench Of Fear Pour Homme.

0:35:300:35:35

It's my new cologne, bought it at the airport. Anyway, where are we?

0:35:350:35:39

Ah, yes, there are 12 competitors on their podiums but, believe me, only temporarily.

0:35:390:35:44

Let's rejoin Amanda to get the action underway.

0:35:440:35:47

Ain't no mountain high enough to keep this lot from winning £10,000. It's Crash Mountain.

0:35:470:35:53

-Are you all ready?

-Oh, yeah!

0:35:530:35:56

Oh, let's do it. Three, two, one!

0:35:560:35:59

And we're off.

0:36:000:36:02

Sam's first to have a go. Oh, never mind, he can climb back up and try again.

0:36:020:36:06

Jeremy now, going for it. ten out of ten for trying.

0:36:060:36:10

One, two, that's two steps further than Sam got, I'd say.

0:36:100:36:15

OK, Jiggedy Big Ali is going for it now.

0:36:150:36:17

-Ooh!

-Wipeout!

0:36:170:36:21

I think that's the first time on this show that "wipeout" has really been used in context.

0:36:210:36:25

He was just wiped out.

0:36:250:36:28

Matt, now just biding his time.

0:36:280:36:30

Ali runs, Nicki runs. Oh, desperation!

0:36:320:36:35

Look at that, pure poetry in motion.

0:36:350:36:38

A short, harrowing, wet sort of poem, specifically.

0:36:380:36:42

OK, now Marcel's on. Hang on in there.

0:36:420:36:46

He makes the leap, a little kiss, and stays low.

0:36:460:36:52

He needs to get to his feet now, though.

0:36:520:36:54

Ooh, oh! That was excruciatingly close.

0:36:540:36:58

John's on now, and Gilly's joined him.

0:37:010:37:04

This has just turned into some sort of dating show, I...

0:37:040:37:06

OK. "Aargh" John's doing a runner and, oh, ho ho! No, he's off.

0:37:080:37:13

John's spliced his mainbrace! All the better for Gilly, though.

0:37:140:37:18

Will she be the first across?

0:37:180:37:21

Come on, Gilly, come on!

0:37:210:37:22

Oh, she's going to make it!

0:37:240:37:25

Oh, no! Oh, that's harsh. Adam Apple sends her plummeting.

0:37:250:37:29

And, look, Adam's the first to cross, so it can be done! Brilliant!

0:37:300:37:34

Yeah, baby!

0:37:340:37:35

Here comes Sam. He's the second to make it through.

0:37:350:37:40

Sam just saw an opening there, made a run for it, straight across.

0:37:400:37:43

All in the timing, That was brilliant.

0:37:430:37:45

Two men through to the next round now, and here comes Danny.

0:37:470:37:51

Oh, that's awkward. Jeremy's joined him.

0:37:530:37:56

-Man sandwich!

-OK. No, Amanda, it's just two slices of man bread.

0:37:560:38:00

There's no filling, technically. Danny's getting up now.

0:38:000:38:03

Oh, and Danny's done it, with a little helping hand.

0:38:030:38:06

Nicki doesn't want to be left out.

0:38:070:38:09

Look at that!

0:38:110:38:12

Big Ali goes for Nicki's leg, but she manages to hang on. Unbelievable!

0:38:120:38:16

And, look, Jeremy's over. Four through, just one place left now.

0:38:160:38:20

One more. Just one more!

0:38:200:38:23

Come on, Nicki!

0:38:250:38:26

No, no! She's off.

0:38:300:38:32

That was so close.

0:38:320:38:35

There's only one place left up for grabs now,

0:38:360:38:40

and eight people still fighting for it.

0:38:400:38:41

Chris, Matt The Airport, who hasn't even moved a muscle yet,

0:38:410:38:45

Gym Bod Janey, Marcel, Ali, Nicki, "Aargh" John and Gilly In The Box.

0:38:450:38:51

Janey makes a brief cameo in the background.

0:38:530:38:56

Is it too little too late from Janey?

0:38:560:38:59

Yes, it is. Gilly In The Box has made it. We have our final five.

0:39:000:39:05

Yeahhhh!

0:39:050:39:06

Either she's very happy, or we need to send a medic in there, and quick.

0:39:060:39:11

So, as the elated five celebrate on Crash Mountain, spare a thought for the seven sad losers.

0:39:110:39:17

Cue some sad music or something.

0:39:170:39:20

There's a lot of luck involved in the game and,

0:39:230:39:25

you know, perhaps luck just wasn't with me today.

0:39:250:39:28

I'm a little bit frustrated,

0:39:320:39:34

but I'm still, you know, an action man, still.

0:39:340:39:37

I really thought I had a good chance because, actually it didn't look

0:39:380:39:42

that far away, but it's harder than it looks.

0:39:420:39:44

I think I touched it, I'm not sure,

0:39:460:39:48

when I went off I touched the top one,

0:39:480:39:50

but I was caught by the bar, so... Can I go again?

0:39:500:39:53

I don't know, it just went all wrong,

0:39:530:39:57

but never mind.

0:39:570:39:59

There can only be so many winners.

0:40:030:40:05

I'd just like to wish them well. Good luck to them.

0:40:050:40:08

I've seen everybody else fall off and I was just too scared to move.

0:40:100:40:14

I was a bit wimpy on that bit.

0:40:140:40:17

Well, it's probably for the best, Matt,

0:40:170:40:19

because look what's coming next,

0:40:190:40:22

it's Dizzy Dummies.

0:40:240:40:26

First everyone gets spun for 45 seconds in the Magic Roundabout,

0:40:260:40:30

then they have to stagger their way through an elasticised maze of misery

0:40:300:40:34

known as the Bungee Frame, that's new!

0:40:340:40:38

Next they must traverse The Blob, that's also new,

0:40:380:40:40

or the Super Crazy Beams, which are like the normal Crazy Beams,

0:40:400:40:44

but super in some unspecified way, before finally reaching the podium.

0:40:440:40:50

The game is run twice, and each time the last person to finish is eliminated.

0:40:500:40:55

It's time to sort the men from the boys, and the Gillian from the men and the boys, I think. Amanda.

0:40:550:41:01

Oh, it's beautiful and calm out here today,

0:41:010:41:05

-but not for long - it's Dizzy Dummies! Are you ready?

-Yes.

0:41:050:41:10

-Whoo!

-I say let's spin them!

0:41:100:41:13

Three, two, one!

0:41:130:41:15

Make those dummies dizzy!

0:41:180:41:21

So, just who am I calling dummy?

0:41:210:41:23

-Well, there's him.

-Yeah!

-It's gregarious greengrocer Adam Apple.

0:41:230:41:28

Nice one, baby! Yeah, baby!

0:41:280:41:30

-And then there's him.

-Yabba-dabba-doo!

0:41:300:41:34

Old twinkle toes himself, Dancing Sam.

0:41:340:41:37

-And her.

-I'm going to jump up and surprised you all.

0:41:370:41:42

Yeah, just don't give her any more sugar. It's Gilly In The Box.

0:41:420:41:45

Next to her it's him.

0:41:450:41:49

Your balls are mine!

0:41:490:41:51

DI Danny, detecting and inspecting.

0:41:510:41:54

Last, and quite possibly least, it's him.

0:41:540:41:57

I'm doing this for you, Sunbed Jonny.

0:41:570:41:59

Sunbed Jonny's twin brother, it's Not-Jonny-Jeremy.

0:41:590:42:03

Right, that's enough of that. And they are off,

0:42:050:42:09

just watch them go.

0:42:090:42:12

Not-Jonny-Jeremy is first on to the rotating Bungee Frame,

0:42:120:42:17

and Adam Apple's mounted a reverse attack on Jeremy.

0:42:170:42:22

Adam Apple makes a dash for it,

0:42:220:42:25

and he's first on to The Blob,

0:42:250:42:28

opting for the caterpillar technique and it appears to be working.

0:42:280:42:31

Jeremy's also on now.

0:42:310:42:33

One jump left for Adam Apple.

0:42:330:42:37

And he's over already!

0:42:370:42:38

That was fast!

0:42:380:42:40

Ah, it's one pound of fruit and veg.

0:42:400:42:43

A spectacular jump and Adam's home and dry, for now.

0:42:430:42:49

-Come on, Gill!

-So, who'll be next to cross?

0:42:490:42:52

Oh, Jeremy's across!

0:42:520:42:53

Dancing Sam is a quick step behind.

0:42:550:42:58

And he's across. Now, there's only one place left.

0:43:000:43:03

It's between Gilly In The Box and DI Danny.

0:43:030:43:06

Amazingly, no-one's fallen off The Blob yet.

0:43:060:43:09

-Danny's in, and Gilly's out.

-Aww!

0:43:110:43:13

What happened?

0:43:150:43:17

My strategy was to let the boys fight it out amongst themselves,

0:43:170:43:20

and they really didn't do much of that, did they? They were just, "Boom, boom, boom."

0:43:200:43:25

Gillian, you were our only hope of having a woman in the final, too.

0:43:250:43:29

God, I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to let everybody down. Sorry, everybody!

0:43:290:43:34

So, next in store for Danny, Adam, Sam and Jeremy,

0:43:360:43:41

it's a sense of deja vu, tinged with tiredness, rapidly giving way to nausea.

0:43:410:43:46

I think Sam's fallen asleep. It's not the time!

0:43:480:43:51

OK, and they are off.

0:43:550:43:57

Like a man who's twice his age, and quite badly inebriated,

0:43:570:44:02

Jeremy wobbles towards the Bungee Frame.

0:44:020:44:04

Adam's safety helmet's broken.

0:44:040:44:06

Eduardo must be scrimping on the sticky tape again.

0:44:060:44:08

OK, Adam's got a clear run at the Super Crazy Beams now.

0:44:080:44:12

He was first across the Blob, can he do it again?

0:44:120:44:15

Oh, his old foe Jeremy is catching up fast.

0:44:150:44:19

Meanwhile, Dancing Sam's taking a weekend break in those bungee cords.

0:44:190:44:24

Adam, now making steady progress.

0:44:240:44:27

Those beams are slippery.

0:44:270:44:30

Now everyone's on the beams and taking their time,

0:44:300:44:34

nobody wants to fall at this stage.

0:44:340:44:36

-Oh, but Adam has!

-Oh, Adam!

0:44:370:44:40

Just couldn't get a grip.

0:44:410:44:43

It's bobbing time for that apple, plus a swim back to the start.

0:44:430:44:47

The other three are still dry.

0:44:470:44:48

Remember, the last one across is out.

0:44:480:44:51

Jeremy looks so determined!

0:44:520:44:54

Yeah, and is making excellent progress,

0:44:540:44:57

but tiredness may be starting to take its toll.

0:44:570:45:00

Not-Jonny-Jeremy stands, wobbles quite a lot and prepares for the leap

0:45:000:45:05

that could take him into the Wipeout Zone. Yes, he's through!

0:45:050:45:08

Come on! Come on!

0:45:080:45:11

That final leap could have gone very wrong,

0:45:110:45:14

but fortune favours the brave, and perhaps people called Jeremy.

0:45:140:45:17

Come on! Get in!

0:45:210:45:23

Two places left in the final. And Sam's down so close to the end,

0:45:230:45:28

that means a long swim back to the start.

0:45:280:45:31

DI Danny now inspecting the finish line. Oh, he slips!

0:45:350:45:40

But, yes, he has done it.

0:45:400:45:42

That was an action finish and the long arm of the law came in very handy.

0:45:420:45:48

So, it's between Sam,

0:45:480:45:49

who's just fallen in again, and Adam Apple now.

0:45:490:45:52

One is about to be eliminated.

0:45:520:45:55

Adam, very nearly there.

0:45:550:45:58

He's made it, and left Sam eating dust.

0:45:580:46:02

Soapy, wet, foam-flavoured dust, I guess.

0:46:020:46:06

You won't be playing it again, will you, Sam?

0:46:060:46:08

No, not at all. Loved it, though.

0:46:080:46:10

All right, darling, hard luck. We'll see you later.

0:46:100:46:13

So, Sam and Gillian are out of the competition,

0:46:130:46:16

but they can return to Britain with their heads held high,

0:46:160:46:19

by the plastic neck braces they'll be wearing.

0:46:190:46:22

But for Adam Apple, DI Danny and Not-Jonny-Jeremy,

0:46:220:46:24

things are about to get very interesting,

0:46:240:46:27

because one of them will be crowned Total Wipeout champion.

0:46:270:46:31

They're all hungry for victory, and that ten grand prize.

0:46:310:46:35

I like danger.

0:46:420:46:45

Moderated danger.

0:46:450:46:48

I thrive on it.

0:46:480:46:49

My Wipeout journey's been really, really exciting,

0:46:490:46:52

and it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life as well.

0:46:520:46:56

To get to the Wipeout Zone, you've got to believe in yourself that you can win, and of course I can win.

0:46:580:47:03

I'm going to win. I'm going to do my best to win.

0:47:030:47:05

Adam - confident, yeah, very confident, very cocky with it.

0:47:080:47:13

Let's have it!

0:47:130:47:14

I think I've got the looks,

0:47:140:47:16

I've got the fitness and, you know, I've got the confidence.

0:47:160:47:19

Lovely smile, but I intend to wipe it off his face tonight.

0:47:190:47:23

Danny's very concentrated.

0:47:230:47:25

He's one to watch. He's a dark horse.

0:47:250:47:27

He's a copper, you know, a copper in the final's good.

0:47:270:47:30

Let's see if he's fit enough.

0:47:300:47:32

Jeremy's cocky and I'm cockier.

0:47:350:47:36

Come on!

0:47:360:47:38

They have been full of themselves. It's been the Adam And Jeremy Show, to be quite honest.

0:47:380:47:43

Credit where it's due, Jeremy won The Qualifier,

0:47:430:47:45

but we're back to square one again now, anybody could win this.

0:47:450:47:49

We'll be friends before we go in the Wipeout Zone.

0:47:490:47:51

When we enter the Wipeout Zone, I haven't got one friend in the world.

0:47:510:47:55

Of course I can win Total Wipeout.

0:47:550:47:57

I'm going to win.

0:47:570:47:59

I know right from wrong,

0:47:590:48:00

and the right thing is that I win this tonight.

0:48:000:48:04

I can almost taste the testosterone.

0:48:040:48:08

Vanilla, who'd have thought?

0:48:080:48:10

It's almost time for the all-new Wipeout Zone now.

0:48:100:48:12

What's new about it? Well, you are about to find out.

0:48:120:48:15

Ummm, testosterone.

0:48:150:48:17

So, before the battle commences,

0:48:220:48:24

let's take a look at what perils lie ahead in the all-new Wipeout Zone.

0:48:240:48:29

First, the Killer Surf, then a swim to the first new obstacle,

0:48:290:48:33

the Rapid Climb, where contestants battle an onslaught

0:48:330:48:36

of ice cold Argentinian water to climb up a slope.

0:48:360:48:40

Ten seconds in, an enormous tidal wave is released, so they'd better get a move on.

0:48:400:48:47

There's an all-new Balance Beam to master,

0:48:470:48:50

before tackling the brand-new Crazy Sweeper.

0:48:500:48:52

Speed and agility are key, because it's a long way down.

0:48:520:48:58

The all-new Tarzan Swing is unlike anything you've ever seen before,

0:48:580:49:02

unless you happen to be familiar with Tarzan, hence the name.

0:49:020:49:05

And, finally, it's one last jump on to the all-new finishing podium where the all-new clock will stop.

0:49:050:49:12

Actually, the podium and clock aren't new at all.

0:49:120:49:15

We saved money there. Fastest man wins, simple as that.

0:49:150:49:18

There's real excitement here in the studio right now,

0:49:180:49:21

cos someone just saw Keith Chegwin in the car park.

0:49:210:49:25

On an entirely separate note, it's finally time for the Wipeout Zone.

0:49:250:49:29

Buckle up, this could be quite a ride. Amanda, it's over to you.

0:49:290:49:33

Brand new Wipeout Zone - different obstacles, same excitement, and first to go is Adam.

0:49:330:49:40

Greengrocer Adam Apple is first to attempt the new, improved Wipeout Zone.

0:49:420:49:46

-Wipeout, baby, yeah!

-And off he goes.

0:49:460:49:50

Oh, steady landing and now a quick swim to the Rapid Climb.

0:49:550:49:59

Adam's got to pull himself up through those rapids,

0:50:030:50:06

then scale that watery climb. And, remember, he's against the clock.

0:50:060:50:11

Those flashing blue lights mean the countdown has started.

0:50:110:50:15

Adam's only got ten seconds before the tidal wave is unleashed.

0:50:150:50:18

Adam, pick up the pace, it's going to get worse! Oh, no, here it comes!

0:50:180:50:23

It's Niagara Falls up there!

0:50:270:50:29

Adam just doing his best to hold on,

0:50:290:50:33

but he is.

0:50:330:50:34

Come on, Adam.

0:50:350:50:37

He's at the top now,

0:50:380:50:39

but Adam needs to get a move on if he's going to set a commanding time.

0:50:390:50:42

The Balance Beam - not only is it very slippery,

0:50:450:50:47

it's also very narrow,

0:50:470:50:48

but Adam's made that look very easy.

0:50:480:50:53

The next challenge is the Crazy Sweeper.

0:50:530:50:56

Adam makes his move.

0:50:570:51:00

He's going to have to duck now.

0:51:000:51:03

Oh, that Crazy Sweeping arm will be back round very soon.

0:51:030:51:07

He's got to run faster, faster. It's... Oh!

0:51:070:51:09

Adam's in the water. He tried to outrun the Crazy Sweeper, but it had other ideas.

0:51:100:51:15

That little delay won't help Adam's bid for the title.

0:51:150:51:18

Now it's on to the Tarzan Swing.

0:51:200:51:23

He makes his move.

0:51:230:51:26

Oh, and Adam falls short.

0:51:260:51:28

-Oh!

-Another mistake, another delay.

0:51:280:51:32

This new Wipeout Zone is proving pretty tough so far.

0:51:320:51:36

Adam using up every last bit of strength.

0:51:360:51:40

He's got to climb up on to the turntable.

0:51:400:51:43

Oh, he's struggling.

0:51:430:51:44

Yeah, he will be. As soon as he's up it'll start spinning again.

0:51:440:51:48

One jump between Adam and the finishing post now.

0:51:480:51:52

And he's there in 2 minutes 30.

0:51:520:51:54

Wipeout, baby!

0:51:540:51:57

So the Crazy Sweeper and the Tarzan Rope got the better of Adam Apple,

0:51:570:52:01

but 2 minutes 30 is still a very strong time.

0:52:010:52:03

The other two finalists will have to do something special to beat him on this tough new Wipeout Zone.

0:52:030:52:09

-Wipeout, baby, yeah!

-Ooh, how was that for you? You did really well.

0:52:090:52:13

Thanks a lot. It was amazing.

0:52:130:52:14

I took a few hits, but I think I did all right.

0:52:140:52:17

Your time was a respectable 2 minutes and 30 seconds. How does that sound?

0:52:170:52:22

That sounds all right to me.

0:52:220:52:24

And next is Danny.

0:52:240:52:25

Oh, here we go!

0:52:250:52:27

Time for Detective Inspector Danny to get on the case.

0:52:290:52:33

That landing looked painful, but Danny's off,

0:52:420:52:46

and swimming his way to the Rapid Climb.

0:52:460:52:50

He's only got ten seconds to get a clear run up,

0:52:500:52:52

so he's going to have to get moving.

0:52:520:52:54

Now he's moving in the wrong direction!

0:52:560:52:58

Oh, no, that's not good, a tidal wave is imminent.

0:52:580:53:01

Three, two, one, here it comes.

0:53:010:53:05

Yeah, that's just turned DI Danny into Incey Wincey Spider.

0:53:080:53:12

You're happy, aren't you?

0:53:120:53:14

Danny's been washed all the way back to square one.

0:53:140:53:16

-Come on, Danny(!)

-Yeah, some earnest, sportsmanlike support there from Adam.

0:53:180:53:22

OK, it's take two for Danny.

0:53:250:53:27

Here we go. Oh, no, not again!

0:53:270:53:30

-I think I've got this in the bag, Amanda.

-You never know.

0:53:300:53:33

Yeah, well, Adam would have won already if this were

0:53:340:53:37

a smuggest man competition, but it's not.

0:53:370:53:40

Danny's made it up the Rapid Climb and is on to the Balance Beam,

0:53:400:53:43

but with the clock ticking away Danny's...

0:53:430:53:45

already lost, not that he knows that, he hasn't seen the other run.

0:53:450:53:50

The Crazy Sweeper now.

0:53:500:53:52

Oh!

0:53:520:53:55

Danny's assault on the Crazy Sweeper never really got started.

0:53:550:53:59

Knocked off very early.

0:53:590:54:03

The Tarzan Swing now.

0:54:030:54:05

Aww-ee-ooh!

0:54:050:54:07

How terribly helpful, Adam.

0:54:070:54:11

No!

0:54:110:54:12

DI Danny hauls himself on to the turntable, then one final jump

0:54:140:54:21

and he's home in 5 minutes 55.

0:54:210:54:24

-Do you think he beat me?

-The lowest form of wit, that.

0:54:240:54:27

DI Danny's hopes of winning today were washed away on the Rapid Climb.

0:54:270:54:32

Those early mistakes ate up lots of both time and energy, but it was a brave run, nevertheless.

0:54:320:54:39

Oh, Danny, my darling, come here. That was not an easy ride, was it?

0:54:390:54:43

That was a difficult ride, Amanda.

0:54:430:54:45

I think you lost your energy at the very beginning, that's where it all kind of went downhill.

0:54:450:54:49

Yeah, no, you're right.

0:54:490:54:51

-Adam was faster.

-Well done, mate.

0:54:510:54:53

-Good man.

-Well done, mate.

-You know what this means.

0:54:530:54:56

This means I'm in the top two, Amanda, and I'm really excited.

0:54:560:55:00

You're still in with a chance, but Jeremy is fantastic, and he's next.

0:55:000:55:03

I don't underestimate him, he beat me by two seconds in The Qualifier. He's got every chance.

0:55:030:55:07

So, last to go it's not Jonny, it's his brother Not-Jonny-Jeremy.

0:55:100:55:15

And Jeremy's bid to wipe that smug look off Adam's face begins.

0:55:230:55:28

That's a quick swim, there.

0:55:280:55:30

He's under there somewhere.

0:55:300:55:32

Once he gets up, he's going to be good.

0:55:320:55:35

Well, he's up.

0:55:350:55:38

Oh, Jeremy putting the rapid into Rapid Climb right now.

0:55:380:55:41

It looks like he might just beat the tidal wave.

0:55:410:55:43

And he has. This is a strong start.

0:55:450:55:48

On to the Balance Beam.

0:55:480:55:50

Oh!

0:55:500:55:51

Jeremy, concentrating hard, trying to stay calm.

0:55:510:55:54

Remember, he has no idea what time he has to beat.

0:55:540:55:57

Oh!

0:55:570:55:58

All he knows is he's got to give it everything.

0:55:580:56:00

And he's across. This is looking good.

0:56:000:56:03

Crazy Sweeper now.

0:56:030:56:05

Very nimble stuff.

0:56:050:56:07

First class ducking.

0:56:070:56:09

He's up again, and down again.

0:56:090:56:12

He's got eyes in the back of his head!

0:56:120:56:14

Jeremy could make it all the way, now. Hurry up, Jeremy!

0:56:140:56:18

Yes, he's defeated the Crazy Sweeper.

0:56:180:56:22

The Tarzan Swing now. No, straight into the water!

0:56:230:56:26

That was a moment of genius on the Crazy Sweeper,

0:56:260:56:30

then a moment of madness on the Tarzan Swing.

0:56:300:56:34

Oh, no!

0:56:350:56:36

Well, you're right to be worried, because this is very close.

0:56:360:56:40

And it's all over in 2 minutes 20 seconds.

0:56:400:56:44

A fantastic run by Not-Jonny-Jeremy, great stamina throughout.

0:56:440:56:48

He shaved ten seconds off Adam's time, but neither of them know that yet.

0:56:480:56:53

It's time for Amanda to reveal the winner.

0:56:530:56:56

Come and join me, please, young man.

0:56:560:57:00

Come over here. Talk to me.

0:57:000:57:02

What's going through your head?

0:57:020:57:04

Emotions. Tiredness.

0:57:040:57:08

Everything. This guy is going through my head.

0:57:080:57:10

He's been in my head for two days.

0:57:100:57:13

He's done my head in!

0:57:130:57:14

He's a nutter!

0:57:140:57:16

I tell you what, you two are so competitive and you two are so incredibly close tonight.

0:57:160:57:21

Adam was absolutely brilliant, Jeremy,

0:57:210:57:25

and I know that Sunbed Jonny, your brother, was here and didn't win,

0:57:250:57:29

but I can tell you right now, you have. You are the Total Wipeout champion!

0:57:290:57:32

Jeremy? Did you hear Amanda?

0:57:380:57:40

You've won! Well, what's he doing?

0:57:400:57:43

Oh, I feel a bit awkward now.

0:57:430:57:48

Well, it's a celebration, well done!

0:57:480:57:51

Yeah, go.

0:57:510:57:54

So, well done to operations director Jeremy Kemp,

0:57:540:57:57

who will return to Lancashire with 10,000 little reasons to be happy with himself.

0:57:570:58:02

Pounds. That's £10,000, I was trying to say it in a cool way. Never mind.

0:58:020:58:06

He is the first winner of the new series.

0:58:060:58:09

So, today's competition is over, but join me next time when there'll be more new stuff like this.

0:58:090:58:14

Some of this.

0:58:160:58:17

And quite a lot of this.

0:58:180:58:20

From Amanda and me, goodbye.

0:58:220:58:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:240:58:27

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:270:58:30

Total Wipeout is back for another series of bumps, crunches, smashes and splashes. Once again 20 foolhardy Brits throw their caution and dignity to the wind on the purpose-built obstacle course in Argentina, hoping that their bodies hold out long enough to capture a £10,000 first prize.

Richard Hammond is the master of ceremonies, commentating and commenting on the unfolding carnage, while Amanda Byram is his mistress of mirth, stifling a few giggles at the side of the course.

The 2010 Total Wipeout course has new games and challenges, including the evil Motivator, a gargantuan mallet to help unwary contestants across the Big Red Balls; Crash Mountain, the evil offspring of the Sweeper; and a terrifying new Wipeout Zone.


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