Episode 1 Total Wipeout

Flying high above the Buenos Aires skyline. It can mean only one thing.

Total Wipeout is back and Argentina's playing host, 7,000 miles from home.

20 courageous souls, including a dog walker, a kebab shop owner and a bouncer have journeyed from Britain

to take on the greatest obstacle course in the universe.

Well, the known universe. One will succeed, but 19 will unsucceed.

Let the games begin.

Hello and welcome to a brand new series.

Now, how would you describe a show like Total Wipeout?

Some critics have called it puerile slapstick, while others have called it mindless idiocy,

but they're wrong - it's actually a subtle blend of the two.

So what puerile idiocy do we have in store this evening?

The Qualifier, bigger and better than ever before.

Crash Mountain, well, what on Earth is that?

Dizzy Dummies, they've stuck new bits on it.

And the all-new Wipeout Zone, which no-one told me about!

Wow, that looks impressive.

They really have pushed the boat out there. A complete overhaul of Total Wipeout.

Yeah, well, clearly that's where they've spent the money, then.

It's good to know that some things do remain the same.

Me, this uncomfortable, cheap chair and my co-host Amanda Byram.

She's at the top of the course with this series' very first contestant.

I'm joined now at the top of The Qualifier by the lovely Mark from Lockerbie.

So, Mark, what is it that you do?

I've a few jobs actually, Amanda, but one of which,

which is quite relevant to this, is a professional dog walker.

So, I'm trying to make the leap in my mind, between the high octane world of dog walking

and the Total Wipeout course. What have you got in the tank, Mark?

You need a lot of concentration and a lot of control when you've got six dogs flapping about your feet.

OK, time for walkies.

Oh, good nose holding technique from dog walker Mark,

a gesture more normally seen when it comes to pooper-scooper time.

44-year-old Mark is out of the water

and ambling his way along the pontoons.

Little does he realise it's time for him to test out a new obstacle.

Inspired by the classic Argentinian parlour game Las Traplonkas,

comes the first new obstacle of the series

and the very latest in Total Wipeout entertainment.

It's an ingenious amalgamation of a swing and a plank.

It takes balance, it takes skill and it took no time at all to build.

That's Traplonk!

Anyway, Mark will be the first human to attempt it,

so far it's only been tested using monkeys.

Oh, I miss those monkeys, lovely little things.

Right... Oh, wait a minute, where's he gone?

Ooh, it's not worked.

No, he's back!

I saw lawyers in every...

If only Mark had held on to the trapeze

as tightly as he holds on to those dog leads,

he'd have made it, but he didn't.

Right, there's still one Traplonk - it's catching on - left for Mark.

What has he learned from his first attempt?

OK, and he's learnt to hold on tighter to the trapeze.

But he hasn't learnt when to let go.

It will catch on.

After two dunkings and the onset of hypothermia,

it's time for Mark to move on to the Sucker Punch.

An old familiar friend, the Sucker Punch wall,

a timeless design classic and Humpty Dumpty's worst nightmare.

A big wall with 22 boxing gloves and not a king's man or horse in sight.

Right, anyway, here goes nothing.

This is it.

Oh, there goes Mark!

Let's not dwell on the negatives here.

Mark did manage to get past one of the 22 fists. Yeah...

# Oh, you are a mucky kid

# Dirty as a dustbin lid. #

The next obstacle needs no introduction.

Actually, I probably should introduce it, it is the Big Balls.

They're back and this year they've got an all new addition, the Motivator!

Goodbye, Big Ball ditherers, so long, time wasters.

The Motivator is guaranteed to put a spring into the slowest of steps,

so if you snooze, you lose, you bruise and you get very, very wet.

So, will Mark get Motivated?

He's at the ramp.

Not got time to stop and think.

Will he? No, not this time.

He's going straight in... Into the water, that is.

Yeah, Mark was too quick for the Motivator there, which is a shame, to be honest.

I really wanted to see it in action. Maybe next time.

So, the dog walker needs to do a bit of swimming now.

-He's doing the doggy paddle.

-I couldn't be bothered with that one.

Good to see her unwavering support for the contestants hasn't changed.

She's just an iceberg of concern and sympathy.

Right, final obstacle, and it's another new one.

It is the Cradles Of Doom.

Now, two pendulous platforms which the competitors must traverse

to reach that elusive final target.

Time it wrong, and they'll fall to their doom...

Well, in the pond, there. Is it humanly possible to get across them?

To be honest, no-one knows cos even the monkeys gave up at this point.

So, Mark eyes up the new challenge.

Yes, Mark, it's real.

He's on to the first. Timing is crucial now. Come on, Mark!

Oh, no, he's doomed!

Yeah, the Cradles have officially claimed their first victim.

Dog walker Mark almost neutered himself there.

Yeah, I did it to my Jack Russell, it's fair enough.

So, Mark climbs to the top of the podium and marks his territory

in five minutes and 13 seconds.

Whoo-hoo!

He looks ruff!

Oh, Mark, my lovely.

Take your goggles off, darling. You're done with the course now.

There he is.

Talk to me, how was it?

It's not as easy as it looks, you know.

Don't try this at home.

Next to tackle The Qualifier, we have a bona fide champion in our midst.

Eyes down, clickety click,

these legs 11 are going to do the trick. Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, it's 2004 Bingo Caller Of The Year, Mandy from Leicestershire.

-So, come on, who's excited about that?

-Whoo!

Mandy is, obviously.

And off she goes.

Mandy starts with a number 25, a duck and a dive.

Number three, deary me.

This is going to get wearing, isn't it?

Amanda freestyling the bingo numbers there.

Here goes!

Mandy gets a couple of 33s, dirty knees.

I'm going to stop this now.

Unlucky for some, number 13.

All right, I'll give you that one, Amanda. That is a real one.

Go-go, bingo balls!

Muddy Mandy is going to need all the luck she can get

-as she heads towards the next obstacle.

-Right.

Release those balls!

OK, the Motivator hovering to encourage her if she needs it. Ooh!

She jumps just as the Motivator swings in, and she falls in.

I'm sure it was the noise of the Motivator kicking in

that disrupted Mandy's efforts.

Gravity didn't help, either.

Maybe she could have done with some bingo wings!

Come on!

Oh, he's keen.

This is 59-year-old Chris from Liverpool

and he's looking good.

-Oh, yes!

-Yeah, on to the Traplonks, the second one.

-Oh, no! Disaster.

-Yes... Maybe...

Yes... Maybe...

Yeah, marvellous performance by Chris, give him his due.

Oh, yeah.

-No.

-Oh.

Let's say goodbye to Chris and hello to Matt,

a 29-year-old airport worker from London.

What's up, Matt?

So, Matt, you work at Heathrow Airport.

Are you an air steward or a pilot?

No, I'm nothing exciting like that. I help less able passengers.

Do you drive one of those little thingies that beep-beep-beep,

always gets me out of the way?

I used to until I had three accidents crashing into lifts and breaking them.

-Are we a little bit clumsy, Matt?

-Very.

Anything to trip over, I will be.

Oh, good, this should be interesting.

Usually you see me at the airport, now watch me fly around the course.

Go on then, Matt, off you fly.

Yes.

Well, a cautious start to the course from Matt.

Oh!

Let's see if he can fly over the Traplonks.

OK, here he goes. Oh, no.

Matt's experiencing a slight delay.

-Yes!

-He's done it, he's Traplonked.

It will catch on. Straight across the second.

Matt becomes our very first double Traplonker.

That though, Matt, technically isn't an obstacle. That's... Umm.

Right, let's see if he can conquer the Sucker Punch, as well.

Here we go. Oh!

No. More of a glancing blow than a flying punch,

but it did the trick. On to the Balls.

Remember, the Motivator hovering, no time for dithering.

Don't stop me now, Balls!

Oh, look at him go. Look at him go!

Oh!

Some fantastic aerial manoeuvres by the airport man, there.

Oh, yeah.

I think the backs of his knees went in first, which is impossible.

On to the Cradles Of Doom now

and time for a quick pre-flight safety check.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you've lost your goggles.

Yeah, you have. Can he still see?

Or maybe he's better off without them.

Maybe... Maybe not.

Short climb to the target now and Matt The Airport posts a time

of 3 minutes 23, the fastest so far today.

Wahey!

What's he doing? Oh, yeah,

guiding in a 737 from Malaga.

Time for some real enthusiasm now.

I'm like a Jack in the Box.

I'm going to jump up and surprise you all.

Oh, I'm surprised already, if only by the socks.

Right, Gillian is into the water and out of the water and has certainly

got a spring in her step,

but will that help her get across the Traplonks?

Oh, yes, it will! The second Traplonk.

Yes!

Well, Gillian's literally bounced her way across.

Fantastic, another Traplonker.

Next obstacle and this should be Big Ball gold.

Ooh, the Motivator's off!

It just clips her and Gillian's in.

No time to stop and think.

MUSIC: "That Ole Devil Called Love" by Alison Moyet

Right, she's got to swim out of the water, climb the ladder

and just the Cradles to go now.

Look at that, Gillian's in the box!

Oh, she's made the second. Will she conquer the Cradles Of Doom?

Yes! Yes, she's done it and in two minutes 43,

-the fastest time so far today.

-Yes!

Yes, she's still jumping.

I think that last one winded her, actually.

Meet pizza and kebab shop owner, Ali.

Now, I'm presuming you get that physique from a constant diet of kebabs, yeah?

I'm not going to lie. Of course, I eat a lot of chicken.

Are you going to do that over the big red balls?

And that as well.

Yeah, all right, I've never seen a pizza delivery boy like Ali before.

Imagine him turning up at your door!

Remember, if he takes longer than ten minutes, you'll get a free Coke.

God, especially if he does that!

Right, and he's off.

Oh, look at that! Where's he gone?

He's out and he's up on his feet.

Ooh, here comes Ali and his big arms.

All right, we could all have them if we had time!

Look at him go. This is epic.

Actually, this man is a bit of a machine.

-Look at the muscles on that!

-All right, calm down, Amanda.

-Mrs Ali might be watching. She might have bigger arms.

-Oh!

Right, he's out of the water, on top of the world, but this

is no time for showboating, Ali, get on with it, come on!

Sucker Punch is waiting.

Oh, it's making mincemeat out of the kebab man.

I took no pleasure or joy from seeing a muscley man

fall in the mud.

Ha! Serves him right. On to the Big Balls now.

If anyone can conquer them, surely it's a big muscley guy like Ali.

Maybe not.

Time for the Cradles Of Doom.

Muscle and sinew versus foam and chipboard. He's on to the first.

Actually, this is looking good.

-Oh, second cradle is in the bag.

-Yes!

Just one jump to go.

Oh, that's a swim and a climb.

That was so hopeful. Never mind, Ali,

that fall has cost you some time,

but you still finished in a very respectable

three minutes and four seconds.

Hey!

Yeah!

Yeah, a big finish now, Ali.

I do try to do like "jiggedy biggedy diggedy bop,"

but I done like "jiggedy biggedy splash." That is...

That is the fun, isn't it?

I'm sorry, can we run through that one again? Cos I'm lost. I...

-"Jiggedy biggedy diggedy bop."

-Yeah(!)

-"Jiggedy biggedy splash."

-Still not...

Yeah! Look at that, pure Turkish delight! Oh, don't do that.

So, right now the leaderboard looks a little bit like this.

Gilly in the Box is first, in second place it's Jiggedy Big Ali,

Matt The Airport is third,

Riverdance Chris is fourth, Bingo Mandy is fifth

and Barking Mark is currently lying last.

So far then, in this brand new series, six contestants have shown

us their strength, their dignity and their muddied backsides.

Mostly it's just been the muddied backsides. More, please!

Meet 23 year old nightclub bouncer from Teesside - Jill.

Her name is on the list, so she's got in.

OK, so, imagine I'm standing between you and the big red balls,

I've had a couple of drinks, what are you going to do?

OK.

Whoa! Steady! Get off her!

And that's why I took the comfy indoor role on this show.

I'm going to bounce my way round this course! Whoo!

And she's off. There... There she goes.

She's still off down the slide.

She's still... She's still going.

Jill The Bouncer needs to build up a bit of momentum there. Yeah.

Maybe... Maybe it's a water thing, I don't know.

There... There! Come on, Jill.

She's in a spot of bother, now.

Don't worry, help is at hand.

Bring on the Total Wipeout lifeguards -

Eduardo and his cousin, who's also called Eduardo.

Buy one, get one free. These guys are the best in the business in Argentina.

They're fit, they're happy to wear snug fitting wetsuits and they're very cheap.

David Hasselhoff, eat your heart out. But they're also quite strong.

Thanks. Thanks. Can I go now? Can I go?

So, now Jill's been rescued,

let's see how she does on the first obstacle.

Well, when she gets there.

Oh, dear, I've a feeling this could take a while.

Let's come back to Jill later.

Quite a lot later.

This is Adam from Glossop.

-Yeah!

-Yeah! He sells fruit and veg.

Let's go for it, come on! Yeah, baby!

Hence the chirpy demeanour.

Yeah. Easily across the first Traplonk.

The second, now. Oh, great start!

That must have been a banana skin.

That'll teach him.

Let's have it!

He is not hanging around.

Look at that, straight in...

oh, the water. Straight down.

Maybe Adam can strain his beans while he's in there.

That's not a euphemism for anything,

I just mean actually literally strain some beans.

He's going up the apples and pears.

That's Cockney rhyming slang for ladder.

The Cradles Of Doom, now.

Adam Apple's on to the first.

And the second. Now, the final jump.

Can Adam Apple join the select one who's made it across today?

-Yes, he can. And in a one, 56 time overall, brilliant.

-Yeah, baby!

What a fantastic run from Adam Apple.

He still has his fruit and veg perfectly intact.

Right, back to Jill, who is soldiering on now and

showing some of that great British spirit that makes us all so proud.

This may not be the fastest time over the course,

but it's a perfect example of true grit.

You go, Jill, you go!

Let's go soon, Jill. Oh, dear, oh.

That was a stunning reverse dismount,

which is sadly useless on The Qualifier.

Best leave her there for a while.

Now, sometimes Total Wipeout gets

accused of being a little bit old fashioned, but I can assure you that we have street cred,

oh, yes, and just to prove it our next three contestants are da bomb,

they are bad, which is the new good, and they're sick, and I don't mean they've been swallowing the water.

First up on the mic it's Sherika. Hit it!

SHE RAPS: I'm faster than a bullet. I sting like a bee.

The other contestants ain't got nothing on me.

Ah, respect, Sherika.

Now big it up for Anna from da mean streets of Cardiff.

SHE RAPS: I used to run. I'm going to ruin this course.

You won't be rescuing me.

That was the shizzle! Next up, Nat is on the ones and twos.

SHE RAPS: I'm Nattie, I'm batty, I'm scatty, I'm quirky.

Let's do this, don't hurt me.

OK, freestyle. And, finally, Kim's in da house.

SHE RAPS: I mean, I'm keen, I'm the Wipeout machine!

Kim, that was bad.

Yeah!

As in really, really terrible.

OK, let's see if these girls can run better than they can rap.

# Yo, pretty ladies around the world Got a weird thing to show you

# So tell all the boys and girls

# Tell your brother, your sister and your mama, too

# Cos they're about throw down

# And you know just what to do

# Wave your hands in the air Like you don't care

# Glide by the people as they start to look and stare

# Do your dance, do your dance Do your dance quick

# Mama, come on, baby Tell me what's the word

# Word up Everybody say

# When you hear the call You've got to get it underway

# Word up It's the code word

# No matter where you say it You'll know that you'll be heard

# Now all you sucker DJs Who think you're fly

# There's got to be a reason And we know the reason why... #

Well, the good news is they all finished the course.

The better news is they're all out of breath and can no longer rap.

I think I need my inhaler.

If you thought those kids were cool, then check out this dancing diva.

Now, this hot mover is 27-year-old Sam from Boston in Lincolnshire. He seems to have hurt his ankle.

I don't know, does that mean he's sick, as well? Ah, I'm getting confused.

Yabba-dabba-doo!

-Ooh, that was impressive!

-Really?

On to the Traplonk now. Come on then, twinkle toes, let's Traplonk.

In slow motion, you can quite clearly see where he went wrong.

It was when he just fell in the mud.

Technically. On to the Big Balls now.

The Motivator ready, but not needed.

Yes, yes! No!

No. A for effort!

I'm soaking after that.

OK, a bit of a dunk, a bit of a swim.

Just... Oh.

Just the Cradle to beat now.

Oh, brilliant!

Light-footed across those two. The pressure is on now.

Oh! Right in the mush! That is going to smart.

-Yeah, well, oh...

-Oh, my God.

Ah, I thought his head had come off!

I think he just let the imprint of his teeth on the top of that podium.

Sam puts in a cracking effort and completes The Qualifier

in a very respectable 3 minutes 26.

Unlike Jill, who, after nine and a half minutes

is still battling the course, but not giving up.

You go, Jill! Show them what you're made of.

Now attempting to climb a ladder!

-Aaah!

-Urgh! Well, it was tough.

Now, um hmm...

Argh!

-God damn it!

-I don't know what to say.

I reckon it might be time once again

for those boys in snug-fitting wetsuits.

It's lifeguard o'clock!

Crikey! That's beyond the call of duty, there. There's no extra pay.

You wouldn't catch David Hasselhoff doing THAT! Maybe he's a vet, I don't know.

Finally, in a time of 16 minutes and 44 seconds, Jill The Bouncer reaches

the finish zone with the slowest time ever in Total Wipeout history.

I did it!

There was two things I had to be helped on.

I don't know where his hands were going, but he certainly... They certainly disappeared somewhere!

Time now for another look at the leaderboard.

Adam Apple's pick of the crop in first place.

Gilly In The box is second, Jiggedy Big Ali's third,

followed by Matt The Airport, Dancing Sam and Riverdance Chris.

The three rappers are next, then it's Bingo Mandy, MC Anna

and, finally, Barky Mark.

Well, Jill may have put in an epic performance, but she just misses out on a place in the next round.

Only the 12 fastest qualifiers will go through, so let's waste no time and meet the next eager contender.

Well, let's waste just a little bit of time. There you go.

Hang on a second, isn't that Sunbed Jonny from last series? He's back for another go.

Haven't we met before?

It was my brother. I believe he was called Sunbed Jonny.

Here's Jonny!

Yeah, and there's his twin brother, Jeremy.

The only difference between those two is that Jeremy

uses a bit of fake tan, while Jonny uses wood stain.

I'm doing this for you, Sunbed Jonny!

The course might have beat you, but it's not going to beat me! Come on!

Ah, brotherly love.

That is quite moving, strangely. So Jeremy's got a lot to prove today,

not just about the competition, it's also about sibling rivalry.

-A good start as he charges off towards the Traplonks.

-Come on!

Oh, yes! Oh, almost.

There you go.

He's Traplonked.

-I love Big Balls.

-Yes!

-I love Big Balls!

OK, thanks for sharing. You'll regret that.

OK, and he's off.

Oh.

Jeremy falls off the Big Balls with surprising confidence.

There's a lot of technique involved in falling in...

In the water like that. It's not, you know...

Ah, it's easy, gravity does it.

Last year Sunbed Jonny blew it spectacularly on the final obstacle,

so let's take a look at that moment again, just for the fun of it.

Aaah!

Surely Jeremy can do better.

He's up against the Cradles Of Doom. Come on Jonny... I mean Jeremy.

Safely on to the first.

And on to the second.

And he's nailed it!

Yes! Come on!

Yeah! That's a fantastic run by Not-Jonny-Jeremy.

He's finished in 1 minute 54 seconds,

beating his brother's time by over a minute.

I dedicate that to you, Sunbed Jonny. Let's hope I get through to the next round.

Oh, I'd take that as a definite, Jeremy.

Let's get a move on with this next group, who all think they bring something physical to the course.

They're pumped up and raring to go.

Meet Detective Inspector Danny.

This is Total Wipeout, but this cop's no cop-out.

Your balls are mine!

Keep-fit fanatic Janey.

They say it's not about the winning,

it's about the taking part. That's for losers, and I'm a winner. There can only be one.

Outdoor studies lecturer Nicki.

If obstacles are in your path, enjoy all the obstacles.

And John...

Aargh!

Who seems to be some kind of pirate. That'll be useful.

So far, my money's on the pirate.

Oh, a bit of role reversal here, the pirate being forced to walk the plank.

Here's Janey.

Oh, no! Oh, not this again!

It's... Yeah, stop.

Oh, just.

And there she goes again.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Just get on with it! OK, she's away.

-Yes!

-Yeah, we're all relieved.

Detective Inspector Dan is on the job now.

# He's a hot cop... #

He'll be glad we played this for him.

# People say that I'm a dancing machine

# Cos he's a hot cop... #

He's done it!

Yes!

OK, the Sucker Punch now.

Punching a copper obviously not illegal in Argentina.

How will an outdoor activities instructor tackle the Big Balls?

Yep.

Oh! Oh!

I think she probably enjoyed that.

Pirate John now.

Scrambling about in Davy Jones' Locker.

Gym Bod Janey now.

Disappointing.

Surely DI Danny can get across the Balls?

Aaargh!

No. What's the matter with Janey?

Has she given up?

Get your breath.

-Probably just a bit of wind.

-Yeah, that can happen, it's the exertion.

Just the Cradles Of Doom now. I love this obstacle.

Nicki clearly doesn't.

Here's John.

Where are your sea legs now then, pirate?

Oh, in the water.

Come on, DI Danny, show them how it's done.

Oh, on to the first.

And the second. Oh!

This replay is dedicated to all the boys back at the station.

And it's all over. Nifty Nicki posts 2 minutes 4,

and DI Danny makes it in 2 minutes 35,

closely followed by John The Pirate, 2.47,

and Gym Bod Janey brings up the rear,

literally, in 3 minutes 56.

Yes!

Next it's 23-year-old Georgie from Gloucester.

She's already making a splash with our lifeguard Eduardo.

He's besotted. He's smitten.

Most of all, he's after a UK passport.

Don't underestimate me. I love fairies, cupcakes...

and danger.

Wow! Eduardo likes fairies and cupcakes, too, but not danger.

Right, let's see how much Georgie likes the very dangerous Traplonk.

She's on.

She's still on.

Oh, she loves it. She's cleared it.

On to the Big Balls now.

Georgie could do with a little spring in her step.

Oh, that was a lucky miss for the lucky Miss.

Not the best Georgie's ever looked, I suspect.

Eduardo's not fussy though - a fiance visa is a fiance visa.

Swim, Georgie, swim! Too late, he's got you.

Well, if Georgie doesn't win today, at least she'll be going home with something.

# I'm in the mood for love... #

Time now for the final contestant, 34-year-old Marcel, who's a teacher from Wales.

But Marcel's no ordinary teacher. No, he's the Head Of Science.

# The Head Of Science! #

So, just what goes on inside the Head Of Science?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the chicken did come first. Oh, dear.

Well, can Monsieur Marcel and his boffin brain beat the Big Balls?

First, up the ramp.

He's safely on to one.

Oh, yeah!

Ah, that's two.

This... This is looking good.

Come on, Marcel, one ball left.

Can he?

Yes! Incredible, Monsieur Marcel is the first Total Wipeout

competitor this series to comp...

Oh, dear, my mistake, he's fallen off.

Still, I'm sure his pupils will go easy on him(!)

So near, yet so wet.

It was heartbreaking, but quite funny for us.

Can Marcel redeem himself on the Cradles Of Doom?

Safely on to one.

Come on.

Making the leap. He's on to two now.

Just one small step left for Marcel.

And one giant source of ridicule for his pupils to enjoy back at school.

The man of science finishes in three minutes dead.

No, he's not really dead, it's just three minutes exactly.

So, in first place on the final leaderboard it's Not-Jonny-Jeremy,

Adam Apple's second, Nifty Nicki's third, DI Danny's fourth,

"Aargh" John's sixth,

Jiggedy Big Ali is eighth,

Dancing Sam's 10th and Gym Bod Janey just makes it in 12th place.

And that marks the end of an epic qualifier, where 12 victorious Brits

have fought their way to a place in the next round.

Am I overstating this?

But, for now, let's spare a thought for the mud-spattered, dazed and eliminated eight.

# Don't let yourself go

# Cos everybody cries

# Everybody hurts

# Sometimes

# Hold on

# Hold on Hold on

# Hold on

# Hold on

# Hold on Hold... #

Right then, let's move on.

Coming next is the all-new Crash Mountain, and I must warn you, this is not for the fainthearted.

We found that out the hard way. It was horrible.

In the beginning, there was The Sweeper.

Fast, cruel and deadly,

attacking its prey without mercy, and one by one they fell,

but all creatures must evolve.

Now, there is a new breed - more powerful, more dangerous, more terrifying.

Few will survive, many will fall.

This is Crash Mountain.

Actually, that is genuinely impressive, isn't it?

I'm terrified watching.

So, essentially, it's a jump from the podium on to the platform, and a run to the centre.

Simple! Although, of course, the platform is rotating.

And there's another arm that swings to knock them off. Two, actually.

Other than that, a piece of cake!

Every time a contestant falls off they must climb back up on to any podium and try it again.

The first five to the centre will qualify for the next round. Got it?

This is who's playing Crash Mountain.

On podium one it's Dancing Sam.

# I'm going to whomp and stomp and a-whoop it up today! #

Yeah! On podiums two and three, it's Not Jonny Jeremy.

# I'm the devil in disguise

# Oh, yes, I am. #

And Gilly In The Box.

Look out, boys, the girls are going to spring up and surprise you all!

Yep! On four and five it's Monsieur Marcel,

-and Matt The Airport.

-I'm doing this for the underdogs!

On six, it's Adam Apple.

Jeremy, you might be top banana in The Qualifier,

but there's no room for bad apples on my pitch!

-On seven, eight, nine and ten it's Riverdance Chris.

-Yes!

DI Danny,

Gym Bod Janey,

and Jiggedy Big Ali.

And, finally, on 11 and 12, it's Nifty Nicki and "Aargh" John.

-I'm the best at what I do!

-Yeah, which is sounding like a pirate, essentially.

The Argentinian air is awash with the stench of fear, The Stench Of Fear Pour Homme.

It's my new cologne, bought it at the airport. Anyway, where are we?

Ah, yes, there are 12 competitors on their podiums but, believe me, only temporarily.

Let's rejoin Amanda to get the action underway.

Ain't no mountain high enough to keep this lot from winning £10,000. It's Crash Mountain.

-Are you all ready?

-Oh, yeah!

Oh, let's do it. Three, two, one!

And we're off.

Sam's first to have a go. Oh, never mind, he can climb back up and try again.

Jeremy now, going for it. ten out of ten for trying.

One, two, that's two steps further than Sam got, I'd say.

OK, Jiggedy Big Ali is going for it now.

-Ooh!

-Wipeout!

I think that's the first time on this show that "wipeout" has really been used in context.

He was just wiped out.

Matt, now just biding his time.

Ali runs, Nicki runs. Oh, desperation!

Look at that, pure poetry in motion.

A short, harrowing, wet sort of poem, specifically.

OK, now Marcel's on. Hang on in there.

He makes the leap, a little kiss, and stays low.

He needs to get to his feet now, though.

Ooh, oh! That was excruciatingly close.

John's on now, and Gilly's joined him.

This has just turned into some sort of dating show, I...

OK. "Aargh" John's doing a runner and, oh, ho ho! No, he's off.

John's spliced his mainbrace! All the better for Gilly, though.

Will she be the first across?

Come on, Gilly, come on!

Oh, she's going to make it!

Oh, no! Oh, that's harsh. Adam Apple sends her plummeting.

And, look, Adam's the first to cross, so it can be done! Brilliant!

Yeah, baby!

Here comes Sam. He's the second to make it through.

Sam just saw an opening there, made a run for it, straight across.

All in the timing, That was brilliant.

Two men through to the next round now, and here comes Danny.

Oh, that's awkward. Jeremy's joined him.

-Man sandwich!

-OK. No, Amanda, it's just two slices of man bread.

There's no filling, technically. Danny's getting up now.

Oh, and Danny's done it, with a little helping hand.

Nicki doesn't want to be left out.

Look at that!

Big Ali goes for Nicki's leg, but she manages to hang on. Unbelievable!

And, look, Jeremy's over. Four through, just one place left now.

One more. Just one more!

Come on, Nicki!

No, no! She's off.

That was so close.

There's only one place left up for grabs now,

and eight people still fighting for it.

Chris, Matt The Airport, who hasn't even moved a muscle yet,

Gym Bod Janey, Marcel, Ali, Nicki, "Aargh" John and Gilly In The Box.

Janey makes a brief cameo in the background.

Is it too little too late from Janey?

Yes, it is. Gilly In The Box has made it. We have our final five.

Yeahhhh!

Either she's very happy, or we need to send a medic in there, and quick.

So, as the elated five celebrate on Crash Mountain, spare a thought for the seven sad losers.

Cue some sad music or something.

There's a lot of luck involved in the game and,

you know, perhaps luck just wasn't with me today.

I'm a little bit frustrated,

but I'm still, you know, an action man, still.

I really thought I had a good chance because, actually it didn't look

that far away, but it's harder than it looks.

I think I touched it, I'm not sure,

when I went off I touched the top one,

but I was caught by the bar, so... Can I go again?

I don't know, it just went all wrong,

but never mind.

There can only be so many winners.

I'd just like to wish them well. Good luck to them.

I've seen everybody else fall off and I was just too scared to move.

I was a bit wimpy on that bit.

Well, it's probably for the best, Matt,

because look what's coming next,

it's Dizzy Dummies.

First everyone gets spun for 45 seconds in the Magic Roundabout,

then they have to stagger their way through an elasticised maze of misery

known as the Bungee Frame, that's new!

Next they must traverse The Blob, that's also new,

or the Super Crazy Beams, which are like the normal Crazy Beams,

but super in some unspecified way, before finally reaching the podium.

The game is run twice, and each time the last person to finish is eliminated.

It's time to sort the men from the boys, and the Gillian from the men and the boys, I think. Amanda.

Oh, it's beautiful and calm out here today,

-but not for long - it's Dizzy Dummies! Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Whoo!

-I say let's spin them!

Three, two, one!

Make those dummies dizzy!

So, just who am I calling dummy?

-Well, there's him.

-Yeah!

-It's gregarious greengrocer Adam Apple.

Nice one, baby! Yeah, baby!

-And then there's him.

-Yabba-dabba-doo!

Old twinkle toes himself, Dancing Sam.

-And her.

-I'm going to jump up and surprised you all.

Yeah, just don't give her any more sugar. It's Gilly In The Box.

Next to her it's him.

Your balls are mine!

DI Danny, detecting and inspecting.

Last, and quite possibly least, it's him.

I'm doing this for you, Sunbed Jonny.

Sunbed Jonny's twin brother, it's Not-Jonny-Jeremy.

Right, that's enough of that. And they are off,

just watch them go.

Not-Jonny-Jeremy is first on to the rotating Bungee Frame,

and Adam Apple's mounted a reverse attack on Jeremy.

Adam Apple makes a dash for it,

and he's first on to The Blob,

opting for the caterpillar technique and it appears to be working.

Jeremy's also on now.

One jump left for Adam Apple.

And he's over already!

That was fast!

Ah, it's one pound of fruit and veg.

A spectacular jump and Adam's home and dry, for now.

-Come on, Gill!

-So, who'll be next to cross?

Oh, Jeremy's across!

Dancing Sam is a quick step behind.

And he's across. Now, there's only one place left.

It's between Gilly In The Box and DI Danny.

Amazingly, no-one's fallen off The Blob yet.

-Danny's in, and Gilly's out.

-Aww!

What happened?

My strategy was to let the boys fight it out amongst themselves,

and they really didn't do much of that, did they? They were just, "Boom, boom, boom."

Gillian, you were our only hope of having a woman in the final, too.

God, I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean to let everybody down. Sorry, everybody!

So, next in store for Danny, Adam, Sam and Jeremy,

it's a sense of deja vu, tinged with tiredness, rapidly giving way to nausea.

I think Sam's fallen asleep. It's not the time!

OK, and they are off.

Like a man who's twice his age, and quite badly inebriated,

Jeremy wobbles towards the Bungee Frame.

Adam's safety helmet's broken.

Eduardo must be scrimping on the sticky tape again.

OK, Adam's got a clear run at the Super Crazy Beams now.

He was first across the Blob, can he do it again?

Oh, his old foe Jeremy is catching up fast.

Meanwhile, Dancing Sam's taking a weekend break in those bungee cords.

Adam, now making steady progress.

Those beams are slippery.

Now everyone's on the beams and taking their time,

nobody wants to fall at this stage.

-Oh, but Adam has!

-Oh, Adam!

Just couldn't get a grip.

It's bobbing time for that apple, plus a swim back to the start.

The other three are still dry.

Remember, the last one across is out.

Jeremy looks so determined!

Yeah, and is making excellent progress,

but tiredness may be starting to take its toll.

Not-Jonny-Jeremy stands, wobbles quite a lot and prepares for the leap

that could take him into the Wipeout Zone. Yes, he's through!

Come on! Come on!

That final leap could have gone very wrong,

but fortune favours the brave, and perhaps people called Jeremy.

Come on! Get in!

Two places left in the final. And Sam's down so close to the end,

that means a long swim back to the start.

DI Danny now inspecting the finish line. Oh, he slips!

But, yes, he has done it.

That was an action finish and the long arm of the law came in very handy.

So, it's between Sam,

who's just fallen in again, and Adam Apple now.

One is about to be eliminated.

Adam, very nearly there.

He's made it, and left Sam eating dust.

Soapy, wet, foam-flavoured dust, I guess.

You won't be playing it again, will you, Sam?

No, not at all. Loved it, though.

All right, darling, hard luck. We'll see you later.

So, Sam and Gillian are out of the competition,

but they can return to Britain with their heads held high,

by the plastic neck braces they'll be wearing.

But for Adam Apple, DI Danny and Not-Jonny-Jeremy,

things are about to get very interesting,

because one of them will be crowned Total Wipeout champion.

They're all hungry for victory, and that ten grand prize.

I like danger.

Moderated danger.

I thrive on it.

My Wipeout journey's been really, really exciting,

and it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life as well.

To get to the Wipeout Zone, you've got to believe in yourself that you can win, and of course I can win.

I'm going to win. I'm going to do my best to win.

Adam - confident, yeah, very confident, very cocky with it.

Let's have it!

I think I've got the looks,

I've got the fitness and, you know, I've got the confidence.

Lovely smile, but I intend to wipe it off his face tonight.

Danny's very concentrated.

He's one to watch. He's a dark horse.

He's a copper, you know, a copper in the final's good.

Let's see if he's fit enough.

Jeremy's cocky and I'm cockier.

Come on!

They have been full of themselves. It's been the Adam And Jeremy Show, to be quite honest.

Credit where it's due, Jeremy won The Qualifier,

but we're back to square one again now, anybody could win this.

We'll be friends before we go in the Wipeout Zone.

When we enter the Wipeout Zone, I haven't got one friend in the world.

Of course I can win Total Wipeout.

I'm going to win.

I know right from wrong,

and the right thing is that I win this tonight.

I can almost taste the testosterone.

Vanilla, who'd have thought?

It's almost time for the all-new Wipeout Zone now.

What's new about it? Well, you are about to find out.

Ummm, testosterone.

So, before the battle commences,

let's take a look at what perils lie ahead in the all-new Wipeout Zone.

First, the Killer Surf, then a swim to the first new obstacle,

the Rapid Climb, where contestants battle an onslaught

of ice cold Argentinian water to climb up a slope.

Ten seconds in, an enormous tidal wave is released, so they'd better get a move on.

There's an all-new Balance Beam to master,

before tackling the brand-new Crazy Sweeper.

Speed and agility are key, because it's a long way down.

The all-new Tarzan Swing is unlike anything you've ever seen before,

unless you happen to be familiar with Tarzan, hence the name.

And, finally, it's one last jump on to the all-new finishing podium where the all-new clock will stop.

Actually, the podium and clock aren't new at all.

We saved money there. Fastest man wins, simple as that.

There's real excitement here in the studio right now,

cos someone just saw Keith Chegwin in the car park.

On an entirely separate note, it's finally time for the Wipeout Zone.

Buckle up, this could be quite a ride. Amanda, it's over to you.

Brand new Wipeout Zone - different obstacles, same excitement, and first to go is Adam.

Greengrocer Adam Apple is first to attempt the new, improved Wipeout Zone.

-Wipeout, baby, yeah!

-And off he goes.

Oh, steady landing and now a quick swim to the Rapid Climb.

Adam's got to pull himself up through those rapids,

then scale that watery climb. And, remember, he's against the clock.

Those flashing blue lights mean the countdown has started.

Adam's only got ten seconds before the tidal wave is unleashed.

Adam, pick up the pace, it's going to get worse! Oh, no, here it comes!

It's Niagara Falls up there!

Adam just doing his best to hold on,

but he is.

Come on, Adam.

He's at the top now,

but Adam needs to get a move on if he's going to set a commanding time.

The Balance Beam - not only is it very slippery,

it's also very narrow,

but Adam's made that look very easy.

The next challenge is the Crazy Sweeper.

Adam makes his move.

He's going to have to duck now.

Oh, that Crazy Sweeping arm will be back round very soon.

He's got to run faster, faster. It's... Oh!

Adam's in the water. He tried to outrun the Crazy Sweeper, but it had other ideas.

That little delay won't help Adam's bid for the title.

Now it's on to the Tarzan Swing.

He makes his move.

Oh, and Adam falls short.

-Oh!

-Another mistake, another delay.

This new Wipeout Zone is proving pretty tough so far.

Adam using up every last bit of strength.

He's got to climb up on to the turntable.

Oh, he's struggling.

Yeah, he will be. As soon as he's up it'll start spinning again.

One jump between Adam and the finishing post now.

And he's there in 2 minutes 30.

Wipeout, baby!

So the Crazy Sweeper and the Tarzan Rope got the better of Adam Apple,

but 2 minutes 30 is still a very strong time.

The other two finalists will have to do something special to beat him on this tough new Wipeout Zone.

-Wipeout, baby, yeah!

-Ooh, how was that for you? You did really well.

Thanks a lot. It was amazing.

I took a few hits, but I think I did all right.

Your time was a respectable 2 minutes and 30 seconds. How does that sound?

That sounds all right to me.

And next is Danny.

Oh, here we go!

Time for Detective Inspector Danny to get on the case.

That landing looked painful, but Danny's off,

and swimming his way to the Rapid Climb.

He's only got ten seconds to get a clear run up,

so he's going to have to get moving.

Now he's moving in the wrong direction!

Oh, no, that's not good, a tidal wave is imminent.

Three, two, one, here it comes.

Yeah, that's just turned DI Danny into Incey Wincey Spider.

You're happy, aren't you?

Danny's been washed all the way back to square one.

-Come on, Danny(!)

-Yeah, some earnest, sportsmanlike support there from Adam.

OK, it's take two for Danny.

Here we go. Oh, no, not again!

-I think I've got this in the bag, Amanda.

-You never know.

Yeah, well, Adam would have won already if this were

a smuggest man competition, but it's not.

Danny's made it up the Rapid Climb and is on to the Balance Beam,

but with the clock ticking away Danny's...

already lost, not that he knows that, he hasn't seen the other run.

The Crazy Sweeper now.

Oh!

Danny's assault on the Crazy Sweeper never really got started.

Knocked off very early.

The Tarzan Swing now.

Aww-ee-ooh!

How terribly helpful, Adam.

No!

DI Danny hauls himself on to the turntable, then one final jump

and he's home in 5 minutes 55.

-Do you think he beat me?

-The lowest form of wit, that.

DI Danny's hopes of winning today were washed away on the Rapid Climb.

Those early mistakes ate up lots of both time and energy, but it was a brave run, nevertheless.

Oh, Danny, my darling, come here. That was not an easy ride, was it?

That was a difficult ride, Amanda.

I think you lost your energy at the very beginning, that's where it all kind of went downhill.

Yeah, no, you're right.

-Adam was faster.

-Well done, mate.

-Good man.

-Well done, mate.

-You know what this means.

This means I'm in the top two, Amanda, and I'm really excited.

You're still in with a chance, but Jeremy is fantastic, and he's next.

I don't underestimate him, he beat me by two seconds in The Qualifier. He's got every chance.

So, last to go it's not Jonny, it's his brother Not-Jonny-Jeremy.

And Jeremy's bid to wipe that smug look off Adam's face begins.

That's a quick swim, there.

He's under there somewhere.

Once he gets up, he's going to be good.

Well, he's up.

Oh, Jeremy putting the rapid into Rapid Climb right now.

It looks like he might just beat the tidal wave.

And he has. This is a strong start.

On to the Balance Beam.

Oh!

Jeremy, concentrating hard, trying to stay calm.

Remember, he has no idea what time he has to beat.

Oh!

All he knows is he's got to give it everything.

And he's across. This is looking good.

Crazy Sweeper now.

Very nimble stuff.

First class ducking.

He's up again, and down again.

He's got eyes in the back of his head!

Jeremy could make it all the way, now. Hurry up, Jeremy!

Yes, he's defeated the Crazy Sweeper.

The Tarzan Swing now. No, straight into the water!

That was a moment of genius on the Crazy Sweeper,

then a moment of madness on the Tarzan Swing.

Oh, no!

Well, you're right to be worried, because this is very close.

And it's all over in 2 minutes 20 seconds.

A fantastic run by Not-Jonny-Jeremy, great stamina throughout.

He shaved ten seconds off Adam's time, but neither of them know that yet.

It's time for Amanda to reveal the winner.

Come and join me, please, young man.

Come over here. Talk to me.

What's going through your head?

Emotions. Tiredness.

Everything. This guy is going through my head.

He's been in my head for two days.

He's done my head in!

He's a nutter!

I tell you what, you two are so competitive and you two are so incredibly close tonight.

Adam was absolutely brilliant, Jeremy,

and I know that Sunbed Jonny, your brother, was here and didn't win,

but I can tell you right now, you have. You are the Total Wipeout champion!

Jeremy? Did you hear Amanda?

You've won! Well, what's he doing?

Oh, I feel a bit awkward now.

Well, it's a celebration, well done!

Yeah, go.

So, well done to operations director Jeremy Kemp,

who will return to Lancashire with 10,000 little reasons to be happy with himself.

Pounds. That's £10,000, I was trying to say it in a cool way. Never mind.

He is the first winner of the new series.

So, today's competition is over, but join me next time when there'll be more new stuff like this.

Some of this.

And quite a lot of this.

From Amanda and me, goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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