The Awards Total Wipeout

The Hubble Space Telescope. The Large Hadron Collider.

Weston-super-Mare's best kept toilet.

These are all iconic symbols of mankind's greatest achievements.

But there is one other more impressive,

more majestic and more cheaper.

Tonight, we bring you the Total Wipeout Awards.

The Total Wipeout Awards.

There you go. Welcome, one and all.

Welcome, one and all. Is it finished?

Welcome, one and all, to the Total Wipeout Awards 2011.

Like the Oscars, the Golden Globes,

the BAFTAs and the DVLA,

these awards have become a Great British institution.

No expense has been spared. There's the red carpet...tile.

-Fireworks are on stand-by.

-ROCKET WHISTLES

And I even have a golden envelope. It's going to be a special night.

Just look at what's coming up.

-# Now I know how to get down on the floor...

-Floor!

# Experienced in moves you can't ignore

# There's something 'bout this beat that's got me hooked

# Come over here and take a closer look

# Cos I can't get enough I can't get enough

# I can't stay on the ground Whoa!

# I can't get enough I can't get enough

# This is taking me now

# It's taking me higher

# Higher

# Higher off the ground

# It's taking me higher

# Higher

# Higher off the ground... #

Wow! It is amazing what you can fit into an hour of TV.

Time for the first award, the winner of which will be taking home one of these beauties.

But they'll also be taking home a belt.

That's because our first prestigious award is for taking one in the "sub-beltular" area.

You know, the sensitive zone. It probably hurt, but it'll all be worth it when you see the belt.

Wow, that is totally worth getting hit in the sensitive zone for!

Fifth...

In fifth place, it's Silly Hat Sarah who thought her silly hat would save her. It didn't.

Maybe if she'd worn some silly, but steel-lined shorts instead.

Fourth...

Monkey Man "Ooh Ooh" Dave took one for all the bankers out there.

The credit risk analyst assessed his chances of crossing Mushroom Madness. He took a risk.

And that was sub-prime!

I love this new game.

Yeah, he definitely got a bum deal there.

Third...

Third place goes to Josh from Kent who had a little bit of trouble with the Dangleberries.

Yeah, I said Dangleberries.

Oh, that was most definitely below the belt.

And so was that.

Yeah, and that.

Your voice has gone all squeaky as well, hasn't it?

SQUEAKY VOICE: Just a bit. I'll get through it.

-You made it, which is brilliant.

-DEEP VOICE: Yeah.

Second...

In second place and just missing out on the belt is Scotsman Rob Roy.

Now, can anyone guess what happened to Roy on the Sucker Punch?

Yeah. I felt that.

# Let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low... #

Oh, right in the bagpipes! I don't think Roy will be doing any Highland Games for a while.

But the winner of the Total Wipeout Below The Belt Belt is Shabba and His Homies.

He got his award for multiple below the belt hits.

There was one on the Sucker Punch.

A few on Crash Mountain.

# Mr Loverman... #

And a cheeky below the belt belter on Mushroom Madness.

That was unlucky and painful, but congratulations, Shabba.

That belt is on its way to you unless it gets lost in the post.

The unforgettable Shabba and His Homies wins the first Total Wipeout Award.

This course might have wiped me out, but I'm still Mr Loverman...Shabba.

It's easy to think that all this show does is laugh at people hurting themselves, but that's not the case,

as this next award proves, the Close But No Cigar Award

in recognition of those special contestants who so nearly made it.

What do you think the winner of the Close But No Cigar Award will win?

That's right, no cigar! Seriously? Yeah, seriously.

# I get tired and upset

# There's always something to cry about

# When you're stuck in an angry crowd

-# They don't think what they say before they open their mouths

-Pack up your troubles... #

One more time.

# And bury them beneath the sea

# I don't care what the people may say

# What the people may say about me... #

Fifth...

In fifth place, it's Phil and his massive tie.

The bus driver from Derbyshire very nearly made it across the first Traplonka.

A spectacular nearly moment.

Close, Phil, but no cigar.

Fourth...

It's 24-year-old veteran gymnast and wannabe stuntwoman Jade from London.

She's got one sock on and one sock off.

Jade with one sock and no shoe was only five foot two

and put in a fantastic performance on the Qualifier.

However, it was the last stunt jump that got her "nul points".

Here we go.

Agh!

Oh!

Third...

In third, maths teacher Shaun from Manchester on the Crazy Keys.

Here Shaun performed a miraculous recovery...

And then dropped like a sack of potatoes.

I estimate the maths teacher still hasn't heard the end of this from his Year 10s.

Close, but no cigar, Shaun.

Second...

Second place goes to White Water Siana.

She started so well...

But then did just awfully.

That rake only tips after Siana slips, then it was just downhill from there. Slowly and on her face.

But the winner has to be Dashing Julian.

The speedy wildlife vet from Cambridge beat everyone over the Qualifier

despite doing this on the Balls.

Oh!

Excruciatingly close and probably just excruciating too.

Never has a contestant come so close to beating the Balls and gone face first into the foam.

But it didn't stop there. Julian made it all the way to the Wipeout Zone.

He made it all the way to the end of the Wipeout Zone.

And then missed the Button.

No! No, no, no!

Yes.

That one simple slip lost him the £10,000 prize.

You don't get much closer than that to winning...no cigar.

Dashing Julian takes home tonight's second award.

-You fell off when you got to the end!

-I was gutted about falling off as I landed so well after the Swing.

But I like to make it a bit exciting.

It certainly did make it exciting, but still no cigar.

Anyway, plenty more awards to come.

The winner of the next award will receive this life-like, plastic, scented, house plant replica.

It really is a thing of beauty, but keep it out of direct sunlight and away from naked flames and mammals.

Why a house plant? Well, this prize is for the Finest Face Plant.

Is it going to be this literal for every award? It is. It's going to be a long night.

# First time...

# Ever I saw your face

# I saw your face

# Your face

# Your face

# Your face

# Your face... #

Fifth...

Remember Catty Davina?

Yeah, well, Davina took a tiny tumble on the Rakes In The Face.

A bit like sprinting into a brick wall draped in red plastic.

Fourth...

In fourth, the man called Ivor who was a bus driver

and a massive fan of neon yellow.

So what route will Ivor the driver be taking around the course today?

I'll be taking the straight route all the way. All the way down the course. All the way. All the way.

Yeah, that was no lie. Ivor went straight down the ramp,

straight over the Catwalk Sweeper...

and straight into the podium.

He really couldn't have timed that stumble worse. Right on the chinny-chin-chin!

Third...

And so third place goes to Pretend Army Trudy. That's a pretend army exercise she's doing.

-Trudy didn't get very far at all before doing that.

-Face plant!

Oh, yeah. That is one bobby-dazzler of a face plant.

Officially!

Second...

Sheepy Jo was a sheep wrangler from Rutland who tried to wrangle Amanda.

I'm going to wrestle this course like I wrestle my sheep!

The first half of the Super-Duper Walk of Shame passed without incident, and then this happened.

Ow!

Sha-a-ameful! You see what I...?

Yeah, I'm dispensing with the no doubt highly anticipated sheep puns in favour of just saying "ow"!

But the winner is Learned Laurence who used to be a butler to the Queen.

60-year-old Laurence gave us a face plant on the first Catwalk Sweeper, but that was just a warm-up.

What Laurence served us with next was monumental and a right royal mess.

Congratulations to Learned Laurence.

Top drawer timing, sublime trajectory,

wins the King of Face Plants a cheap plastic house plant.

Just keep it away from small animals.

Some you win, some you lose, but only on this show can you win something for losing,

or more specifically, getting lost in the mud. It's the award for Outstanding Contribution to Mud.

It's America's sweetheart - Yankee Doodle David.

I've been told many times that I lack a filter between my brain and my mouth.

# America... #

In 1776, America won its independence.

Today, America's going to win again.

America may have won its independence,

but David failed to win his from the Sucker Punch mud pit

for quite some time.

David spent a staggering 878 days in the mud

which, incidentally, is longer than it took Christopher Columbus to sail to America in 1490-something.

That's it, David. Dig deep.

Well, at least that's what it felt like for him.

Incredible dedication and well worth a totally worthless award.

# From sea

# To shining sea... #

He's a big guy with a big heart.

Congratulations, Yankee Doodle David.

That's not the only one of those I'll be awarding tonight. There might be one or two more.

There are two. Two more Mud Awards. But it's out of the frying pan and into the fire for this next award.

By frying pan, I mean mud pit. And for fire, substitute getting really dizzy.

Yeah, time for that old family favourite.

# Upside down

# Boy, you turn me inside out

# And round and round

# Upside down

# Boy, you turn me inside out

# And round and round... #

Third...

In third, it's sort of Kel who was adamant she could...could... Well, I'm not sure really.

I've been through this course in my mind a thousand times and Kel Can knows exactly what she's going to do.

She kept on saying she could. One thing she couldn't do is walk in a straight line after a spin.

-Staggering!

-Oh, you idiot!

Literally!

Kel's trajectory was decidedly unorthodox, possibly not helped by the fire hose.

Second...

In second, Slam Dunk James, the poetry loving student from Chichester.

Plan A, jump high, Plan B, fall small, Plan C, laugh loud

and Plan D, live tall, as in the end, it's Total Wipeout for us all!

That was prophetic. I said "prophetic"! It means "good" or something.

All James had to do was make it over the turntable and on to the Tippy Table Maze.

Instead, he made it off the turntable and on to the Crazy Beams,

which was completely the wrong course.

Oh, hello!

Yeah, that's right. James should have been doing the other course.

What a dizzy dummy!

But taking the number one spot is a very dizzy rat man called Kevin.

Kevin Masters.

Kevin's a pest controller in case you're wondering what all that was about.

Kevin failed to exterminate the scourge of Dizzy Dummy's discombobulating.

Struggling with a button there...

And while Andy crosses the finish line, Kevin struggles to stay upright back at the start.

Then Tom finished.

Yes. And still Kevin was struggling with the spinning in his head.

And the spinning in his stomach.

James, done.

Kevin, dizzy.

Finally, Ian made it over.

Kevin's still trying so hard.

Poor Kev, one double dizzy loser, which tonight, strangely, also makes him a winner.

Well done, Kevin. Now go and have a nice sit down.

Thanks very much.

-Did you find the dizziness pretty difficult?

-Yeah.

I couldn't cope with that. It took me a little while to focus myself.

Enough of the young bucks falling over. In the interests of equal opportunity broadcasting,

it's time we saw this great nation's more mature citizens getting humbled by red foam and chipboard.

Time for the Worst Wipeout By A Senior Citizen Award.

Before anyone complains to the BBC, remember they volunteered for this.

They're old, so they've probably forgotten what happened anyway.

Hey, I'm...

I...

I'm sorry about this.

Third...

That's Hard Nut Harry. He knows a thing or two.

I've never read a book in my life. I were no good at school, couldn't do anything.

OK, maybe three tops.

At 60, he had strength and wisdom on his side to tackle the Big Balls.

Clearly hadn't read the Big Ball guidebook either.

# Don't know much about history

# Don't know much biology... #

Aagh!

Second...

Second goes to Granny McFi, the Penzance dwelling granny aged 44.

Granny McFi's Qualifier started well.

Good pace approaching the Heavy Bag Beam.

Wow! Ow!

A good wipeout is like a bad wine.

Good legs, but heavy on the nose and a watery finish.

# I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby... #

But who could possibly top that to take first?

You're 59 years of age. You're clearly extremely fit. Do you think you're going to win here today?

He's retired, he's from Southampton.

It's Adalat A-Training. Things didn't go well from the off.

But the Super-Duper Walk Of Shame produced something super and duper. Oh, my!

Well, if you're going to fall off something, fall off it properly, like you mean it.

Adalat, congratulations, old boy, on a sensational senior moment.

Trust me, it's very hard.

Even young or old. It doesn't make a difference what age you are. It's a very tough course.

Sometimes in life you need a little bit of encouragement, a little nudge in the right direction.

I'm doing it!

When it comes to the Big Balls, we have just the device to help the competitors on their way.

Here is the award...

for Most Motivating Moment.

If you do that again, seriously, I'm...

Third...

In third place, it's Kelly-Ish who's Irish in case you hadn't picked that up from what's happening.

She lingered, wobbled

and then got catapulted forwards by the Motivator.

She didn't see that one coming.

-# I'll tell you what

-I'll tell you what

-# What I have found

-What I have found

-# That I'm no fool

-That I'm no fool

# I'm just upside down... #

Second...

In second place, aspiring actor Darling Dee

who, being totally honest, wasn't the fastest on the Qualifier.

If anyone needed a little motivation to get a move on, it was Dee.

Yes, come on.

With all that dawdling, she's made it easy for the Motivator, though it took its time.

It had all the time in the world. There was no need to rush.

It could pick its moment.

ALARM SOUNDS

Still, it was worth the wait.

Fear, surprise, anguish.

Dee felt all of that in an instant.

# I feel it in my fingers... #

Aagh! Aagh! Aagh!

Aagh!

# I feel it in my toes... #

Unfortunately, the bit-part actor won't get any fees for these repeats. Sorry.

But the Most Motivating Moment Award goes to Under Par Joy.

The occupational therapist from Derby should have foreseen the dangers of standing still

at the top of a ramp.

That's probably why she decided to sit down instead.

An act of lunacy which resulted in this.

# My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang, boom-bang-a-bang when you are near

# Boom-bang-a-bang, boom-bang-a-bang loud in my ear

# Boom-bang-a-bang, boom-bang-a-bang when you are near... #

She's probably fine by now.

I got to the top of the platform and looked at the Balls and thought, "I can't do this."

I turned round and next thing I'm on top of the first ball and into the water.

That's what happens when you have concussion. And so to the second of tonight's special awards,

another instalment of the Outstanding Contribution To Mud Award.

Who will be joining Yankee Doodle David in the hallowed halls of fame? Can I have a drum roll, please?

No, that's a jam roll. They don't even sound similar.

No, it's all right. I'll keep it. No point in wasting good jam.

Carry on.

# Birds flying high You know how I feel... #

It's the welcome return of Darling Dee.

# Sun in the sky You know how I feel... #

Intent on grabbing her 15 minutes of fame, she pretended to be really bad at getting out of mud.

Hang on. She wasn't pretending, was she?

-No, this is real.

-# You know how I feel... #

Dee spent longer in there than it takes most people to complete the entire Qualifier

and Crash Mountain and Dizzy Dummies and possibly the Wipeout Zone

and go home and tell everyone about what they did.

# It's a new dawn, it's a new day

# It's a new life

# For me... #

But credit to Dee - she did eventually make it out by herself.

At which exact point help finally arrived.

"Better late than never" is the motto of the Total Wipeout lifeguards.

Congratulations, Dee, for another Outstanding Contribution To Mud.

Being on Total Wipeout is a great test of strength, stamina, ability, agility and flexibility.

Yep, I'm talking about this stool.

Why does it even need to be this high? Would it kill someone to get me a cushion?

It's not just tough for me. The competitors have it pretty bad too.

In honour of their flexibility, here's the next award.

Oh, matron!

Fifth...

Underlay Peter showed us quite how small the human body can get on the Big Balls.

Pocket-sized!

He's totally lost his head. I think he was a tortoise in a former life.

Fourth...

Just ahead of Peter is a microbiologist with phenomenal chest hair.

That's not necessary. It's Chest Hair Charlie.

Charlie found he could move in mysterious ways on the Crazy Keys.

The Argentinians have a word for this position - "ouch", which translated into English means "oh"!

Just check out those scissor legs. Good work.

Third...

58-year-old maths teacher Mohamed earned his nickname Scorpion King Mo after doing this.

Aagh!

Yeah, just there, look, the scorpion tail. Amanda laughing with fear there.

In a replay, you can see that it's Mo's automatic response to danger,

trying to sting the letters with his muddy trainers - deadly!

Second...

Then there was this delicate young lady who had dreams of marrying a prince.

It's Wannabe Princess Amy.

With all the grace and style of a true royal, she managed to cross the Balls elegantly, just like this.

That was a royal performance.

And an extraordinary position as her leg actually touched her head.

If you're watching this, Prince Harry, and you probably are, there is your future wife.

But the winner is Speedy Gon-Cherry.

I'm going to be like Speedy Gonzales. Arriba, arriba! Andale, andale!

Yeah. And like Speedy Gonzales, she was very animated.

Just check out those splits. Great flexibility.

Just like Madonna in one of her videos(!)

But her extraordinary moves didn't stop there.

She showed us the full extent of human flexibility on the Big Balls.

She also managed scorpion legs, but it's for bending her legs both forwards and backwards

that we give her the award for the Most Extraordinary Position.

Congratulations, Speedy Gon-Cherry.

I definitely showed off my perfect body. Yes, absolutely.

How many people out there could dander round that course in the style that I did?

OK, we've had a lot of fun laughing at people falling off things,

laughing at people holding on to things, and holding on to things, then falling off them.

But every now and then, there is one person we can't laugh at,

someone who is so good that there's nothing left to say.

Some call these competitors amazing. Others say they're incredible. I find them annoying.

But here's the Special Recognition Award for Outstanding Achievement on the Total Wipeout course.

There is only ever one winner of this award.

Please be upstanding for the winner of the Special Recognition Award, Great Scott.

And what qualified him for this award?

Records are meant to be broken. Come on!

That's exactly what he did. Scott became the first person ever

to break the minute barrier on the Wipeout Zone.

And you can see why. From a quick start, he tore his way up the Killer Surf, avoiding the Tidal Wave.

He made the See-Saw look like a... well, a kiddies' see-saw.

And then there was the Sweeper which he sort of ignored really.

This guy was making Bruce Willis look like a pansy.

Amanda swooned. The crowd cheered. Shabba looked embarrassed.

Then it was time for the rope swing. A piece of cake.

His jump was like a step and a new record had been set.

He had completed the Wipeout Zone in 58 seconds... and totally drenched Amanda.

Another good reason for his Special Recognition award. Congratulations to Great Scott.

Now the Total Wipeout course would not be complete without four big red obstacles. So give me a B,

give me an I, give me a G,

give me a B, give me a U...

give me an L...give me an L, give me an S. What does that spell?

What do you mean "big bulls"? How do YOU spell big balls?

Oh, an A? That makes sense. Anyway, here's a countdown of some of the greatest big ball moments.

I thought U...

-# Goodness gracious, great balls... #

-Award!

# I thought it was funny You came along and moved me, honey

# I've changed my mind This love is fine

-# Goodness gracious, great balls... #

-Award!

Remember Wholemeal Mark?

As well as being able to shout, he was and still is a baker's delivery driver.

And he managed to cook up and deliver this little treat for us.

-Aaargh!

-Oh!

Mark took a nasty turn on the balls. Well, about three or four nasty turns, in fact.

Then we had a true, bona fide WAG.

Well, her bloke plays for Macclesfield. It's a kind of WAG. Kind of WAG Kerry!

-Are you here to prove to anyone else you can do it?

-My boyfriend.

He thinks I can't. He thinks I'm a wimp.

-Ooh!

-But Kerry wasn't a wimp.

Needing no motivation, Kerry took one giant leap for a WAG...

..and one painful plummet for WAG-kind.

# I wish I was back in Liverpool... #

She then dropped a couple of leagues under the sea.

# Where I was born... #

This dancing man is Precision Ralf. He's German, so he took on the course in a highly efficient manner.

I hate to buy into stereotypes, but have you put your towel down at the end of the qualifier?

I was awake at quarter to six to make sure I was prepared.

Wunderbar!

Come on now!

-Aaaargh!

-Oh, yeah. Very efficient.

And here it is again.

That really is a beauty, isn't it? A wonderful moment for our German neighbours.

In seventh place, it's Hatless Martin without his hat. Good job he didn't have a hat.

Hatless Martin there showing us a classic ball crossing.

And when I say classic ball-crossing, I mean classic piece of ball headbutting.

Oh, in he goes!

if it isn't my old friend Yankee Doodle David.

This is for American football! You Brits don't know what real football is!

Oh, my God! Like, gnarly.

He may have known how to play American football, but he had no idea

how to play big red ball.

An exhausted David finally made it to the top of the ramp.

What could possibly have gone wrong?

-Aaargh!

-The Motivator strikes fear into the hearts of many!

-Oh, my God!

-His lifejacket's eating him!

If David thinks the sand is scary, he should try being hit by it.

What a big ball moment.

Splendid stuff.

Aaargh!

And after all of that, he made a perfect recovery.

Where's his head gone?!

# America! #

I was analysing what I needed to do and all of a sudden heard a release. I didn't want hit from behind.

So I just jumped and prayed for the best.

The top five greatest balls moments are still to come. Now there are many unanswered questions

when it comes to Total Wipeout. Why are they dressed like that? Why am I wearing animal slippers?

See? Monkey.

I guess we'll never truly know, but in the unflinching quest for answers, I give you

the What Were You Thinking Award. Here are the nominations.

There's her, him, her, him,

her, him, her, her, him,...

I'm going to stop there.

Ooh la la!

# Wonder Woman

# Wonder Woman... #

Neigh!

Neigh!

-# You raise me up... #

-Ay-ya!

MUSIC: In The Summertime by Mungo Jerry

And the winner is...

All 156 people who took part in this series.

In fact, it goes out to anyone who signed an application form.

What were you thinking?!

On behalf of the BBC and Total Wipeout, we're glad you did. Now time for the next award.

This is a belly.

Also known as the stomach, the abdomen,

the tummy. Oh, yeah. They come in all shapes and sizes, have many uses

like absorbing kinetic energy, especially when falling into water.

Scientifically known as The Belly Flop.

In third place, it's Trippy Faye.

Nothing could have prepared her abdomen for this wallop on the big balls.

They say cats always land on their feet. Faye always lands on her belly.

See how she rotates for a perfect belly landing?

-Stephen, what is it that you do?

-Lifeguard and swimming instructor.

Lifeguard Stephen treated us to his Baywatch-esque running.

-I hope his swimming's better!

-He may not be able to run, but he is a champion belly flopper.

Magnificent. Lifeguard Stephen showing all of his lifeguard skills.

Terrific belly flop. Here's betting the Hoff can't do that.

I was trying to think, "Don't drown," and, "Am I bleeding?"

But the Total Wipeout Biggest Belly Flop trophy goes to this lady.

-It's May Fiona Be With You.

-Aliens exist. I'm absolutely convinced that they exist.

There's so much evidence. Pyramids all over the world.

How could they do that without some form of...? Aliens must have visited us at some point.

It's really not... No, OK.

Unfortunately, aliens are one thing May Fiona Be With You didn't discover.

This is going to be just like Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Instead she discovered a whole new world of pain.

Aaaiieee!

With all that mud on her face, she became an unidentifiable flying object.

And like all UFOs she disappeared without a trace.

Wow! What a backwash!

Congratulations to May Fiona Be With You.

-Thank you very much.

-It's a pleasure. Really.

But it's not all hilarious comedy belly flops. Total Wipeout is a serious sports competition

and people will do anything to win.

Butler Maz-ter of Ceremonies suavely pulled Sybille off Crash Mountain.

And who could forget Dashing Julian heroically clambering over Dilip

to become a Dizzy Dummies finisher? Such sportsmanship!

Or not.

And while I commend that behaviour as a good way of winning,

I'd also like to recognise those who put others before themselves with true sportsmanlike behaviour.

Even if it is less funny to watch. It's the Really, Really Nice Award for being really, really nice.

Does this take long?

The winner of this Really, Really Nice Award is Personality Ruth

who helped pull Frankie Incredible through to the next round of Dizzy Dummies.

So beautiful, so honourable.

So touching.

Sadly, however, Frankie didn't return the favour and beat Personality Ruth in the next round.

That's what I call a chick helping a sister out!

Still, at least she picked up an award. Congratulations, Ruth.

That's enough of people being nice. Let's get back to the good stuff.

I've been looking forward to this. All clear on the floor? Here we go.

Three, two, one, it's...

The Big Bang Award.

Aaargh!

In reverse order, taking fifth is Prince Ndubisi.

This African prince made a right royal stuff-up of the keys.

Oh!

That is quite something.

His Majesty has been dethroned by some hinged foam rubber planks.

Ouch!

-You're not just blonde and bubbly and all smiles?

-I am. I'm a girlie girl, love my lip gloss.

Hate getting my hair wet. I'm just girlie.

It's going to be a bumpy ride!

She wasn't wrong there. In fourth place, it's Airhead Charlotte, the 20-year-old air stewardess.

It all started quite sedately on Crash Mountain... until Charlotte tried to stand up.

A knock to her head and a massive knock to the ribs.

Charlotte's used to being airborne, but not as abruptly as this.

The air stewardess suffering a little turbulence there.

Now you see her...now you don't.

I'd rather crash in an aeroplane. That was painful.

Representing Australia, it's Cam-garoo!

Australians are, on the whole, pretty sporty, so Cam was a favourite to get through here.

But, instead, Cam did this.

-Flaming galiah!

-It's pronounced "galah", Amanda.

Oh, by the way - ow!

Runner-up is football-playing centre back Laura, who might be used to a few knocks on the pitch

but she wasn't prepared for that.

Bam! That really is one big bang!

But in first place is Jiggedy Biggedy Ali who eats imaginary kebabs to build his guns up.

Why, I don't know.

It didn't seem to help him out in Crash Mountain, though.

Jiggedy Biggedy's on!

Before he could even digest he was given a right old winding from that giant spoon!

Oh, bash!

Had the halloumi knocked right out of him.

A full 360-degree human spin and crash.

Should have eaten porridge instead. Congratulations, Jiggedy Biggedy Ali.

I was like more jiggedy biggedy smack.

And then splash, actually.

OK, time for me to admit something. You know that bit where I talk off to the side, like this?

Well, there's nobody there. I'm completely alone in here.

The only other thing here is this mop head. That's who I talk to.

Don't I, Mr Mop Head?

Ha ha! You're so right! He always cheers me up.

Anyway, on with the awards. Here's the final winner of the Outstanding Contribution to Mud.

He's happy.

Remember May Fiona Be With You?

Well, she's back and muddy.

She's going boldly where no one's ever gone before,

seeking out new worlds,

but all she found was a mouthful of muck...and this.

It's a rope!

Yep.

That's a rope, Fiona.

The mud tastes dreadful. Do not go into it. It's horrible.

Congratulations, Fiona, on a second award.

This next award is for those spatially-challenged competitors

whose runs are marred by unfortunate accidents. Basically, the clumsy people.

I feel for them. I don't suffer from clumsiness at all.

I'm off to have a run with these scissors. It's the Humpty Numpty Award.

In fifth place, it's Sonny Side Up. He might have tackled the qualifier,

but it was the stairs to the finish that finally finished him. What a great Humpty Numpty.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. It was incredibly bad.

Those stairs are incredibly tough.

In fourth place is Smoking Jo from Cheltenham.

Fire! Fire! I'll extinguish this course!

As a fire-fighter and part-time window cleaner, you'd think she'd be handy with ladders.

She wasn't. What a Humpty Numpty.

Andale Pete was the first contestant to be flummoxed by the Velcro on the swing thing.

Humpty Numpty had a great splash.

In at two, it's Trippy Faye, so called for two reasons.

She had a tendency to trip quite a lot and she had Faye written on her bottom.

Oh!

A name to remember, a performance to forget.

Another Humpty Numpty. Sorry.

You kind of fell off everything.

Yeah, I thought that. I've not done very well on anything so far. But I tried!

The clumsiest Humpty Numpty by far was this man.

Not for doing that. That was impressive.

Unfortunately, this ferocious Tinku warrior dancer wasn't as smooth when crossing

the swinging letters of SH. He made it past the S.

Ooh. Took a few knocks, then went for the big finish.

And missed!

Technically, it's not an obstacle!

Mani overshot the end, bounced down the steps

and landed in the water.

This Humpty Numpty definitely had a big fall. Congratulations, Mani!

That was very Tinku warrior-like. Very much indeed.

I think my instincts took over me, but I am happy, very happy.

So am I! And so is Mr Mop Head. Aren't you?

Now it's the time you've all been waiting for. Is it the end already?

No? It's not the end. Apparently, it's something even better.

It's the award I get to pick. Not only does the winner get the trophy,

they also get a unique Hammond hamper. There's some Hammond jam,

a can of Hammond ham, home-grown Hammond yam...

and what's that? That's a Hammond...

It doesn't rhyme. It's a mug with my face on it. Who is the lucky recipient?

I love this guy.

Chris the Beaver. The assistant Beaver leader.

I'm always prepared, but is this course prepared for me?

Nobody was prepared for you, Chris. Oh, yeah.

Chris didn't earn any badges on the heavy bags. No.

He got punched right in the ging gang goolies on the sucker punch.

And lost his woggle on the big balls.

But Chris the Beaver came good on the big swing thing.

After all, why else would he be winning this award?

-Aargh!

-Don't know. No, he fell off that, too.

But despite falling off every obstacle, Chris did his best.

He did his duty, he scraped through and helped an old lady across Crash Mountain.

Well, I made that up.

But what a great achievement, a great guy and a great Beaver.

He wins because he's my hero!

Congratulations, Chris the Beaver. Well deserved.

Just be prepared, work hard

and then maybe in the future you can do this, too.

That very special hamper is on its way to you, Chris. It is.

We're legally obliged now. That'll have gone off.

Earlier on, you saw the bottom five of the Goodness Gracious Great Balls Award

for contestants who went above and beyond and behind and under and to the side of the big balls.

Hold on to your hats. Here comes the inevitable Top Five.

In fifth place, it's DJ Tred.

He may have looked a bit girlie, but he was no big girl's blouse when it came to the big balls.

Spectacular wipeout!

I think he just scratched the deck.

Here's a quick extended remix of dainty Tred's wipeout there.

Awesome stuff. Worthy fifth place.

Fourth place goes to Slam Dunk James, who came second in the Dizziest Dummies Award.

But what was his approach to the balls?

-Well...

-Wa-hey!

Unique, to say the least!

He's like a clown! "Wa-hey!" Wa-hey-hey!

Full of poise, promise and mirth in just the right proportions.

On to the big guns now. The top three.

-I think it's OK to fail.

-This 30-year-old Glaswegian's nickname was Motormouth Pete.

They've fear of failure even though they might succeed...

-I can't for the life of me remember why.

-I...

-Opportunities come up...

-Maybe he motored over the big balls? No.

You might not get a chance again.

Motormouth Pete gave himself a good run up.

-And then a spectacular misfire.

-Whoo!

Great stuff there from Motormouth Pete.

Now remember Personality Ruth who helped Frankie earlier?

Well, she also did this on the big red balls. One, two, mid-air flip. Three and four!

-Hang on! Hang on!

-Let me just repeat that - mid-air flip and...fall.

Fall it turned into. Bad luck.

Extraordinary acrobatics there.

We have rarely seen that on the big balls. She came within spitting distance of greatness,

but then got a mouthful of bog water.

But the winner of the Goodness Gracious great Balls Award is this lady - Creepy Crawly Rachel.

-Do ladybugs pee on you?

-They can, but that's not important right now.

-Rachel avoided the motivator...

-Like a little ladybug.

She made it to the second ball.

Things were going well for Rachel. She made it into the third ball.

You know what happened next?

She made it onto the fourth ball. What could possibly go wrong?

-That.

-She's going to bend in half!

-That has literally never happened before.

Ever.

A true big ball pioneer. Well done, Rachel.

I just couldn't get to the end. I was stuck there like this, but it was never going to happen.

I wasn't going anywhere but down.

This show's not all about gallant failure. Oh, no.

There are rare moments when contestants actually succeed, be it through training, judgment

or, more often, some sort of fluke. But nowhere is the can do spirit more evident than on the big balls.

Anyone who manages to cross those is a real winner.

Ball crossers, I salute you. ..I'm not going to actually salute you.

Chicken Leg Liam - there was nothing chicken about this effort.

That's it, Liam. Nearly there.

Katie Who I Was Scared Of, not so scared of the big balls.

Then there was Modest Mikey. Nothing modest about it. That's showing off.

But showing off very well.

Frankie looked like she was in trouble, but she wasn't. That's why she's Frankie Incredible.

Nanny McFit had a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

I don't know what that means.

But she did it and she crossed.

Great Scott, well...great Scott.

This guy broke records and the big red balls.

Slam Dunk James returned to prove he was no clown.

Fantastic technique.

Remember Fran? Well, look at this.

That's why she's Frantastic!

And who could forget Wiggly Wiggly Andy who surprised us first time

but we didn't expect this. He returned in the series finale

and did it again.

-Andy is clinging on for dear life.

-The only person ever to cross the big balls twice.

-Aaargh!

-So we'll do him a favour and forget about that bit. Sorry.

Now it's time for the big one, the prestigious Best Total Wipeout Presenter Award.

I'm hopeful about this one. Right, the nominees are...

Richard Hammond.

Amanda Byram.

Mr Mop Head. Aww.

And...Huw Edwards?!

What? Maybe I missed that episode.

Well, here goes. Fingers crossed. And the winner is... Drum roll, please. No?

It's Mr Mop Head!

Oh, congratulations. You really deserve it.

You want to say a few words? OK.

Oh, that is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said.

So for this series, from Amanda, me and the award-winning mop, it's goodbye!

# Some things in life are bad

# They can really make you mad

# Other things just make you swear and curse

# When you're chewing on life's gristle

# Don't grumble, give a whistle

# And this'll help things turn out for the best

# And...

# Always look on the bright side of life

# Always look on the light side of life

# If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten

# And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing

# When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps

# Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing, and...

# Always look on the bright side of life

# Always look on the right side of life

Come on, Brian, cheer up.

# Always look on the bright side of life

# Always look on the bright side of life

Worse things happen at sea, you know.

# Always look on the bright side of life... #

You come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!