The Final Total Wipeout

If victory had a face it would look like this...

..but it doesn't, because it's a word.

Tonight these eight champions stand up one last time to defend their honour

against 14 angry runners-up with one thing on their minds...

SHE SQUEALS

HE ROARS

..revenge.

But only one can be crowned Series Champion.

This is Total Wipeout - The Final.

Let the finalising begin.

Hello, I'm Richard Hammond and this is the Total Wipeout Final.

Well, sorry, not this, this isn't, this is my podium.

But this, all the curtains and that, this is the Total Wipeout Final.

Tonight's show is exactly like a normal show except everybody

on it is going to be a bit cocky, so watching them bounce off things will be all the more satisfying.

Here are those things off from of which they will fall off from.

the Qualifier, champions run it,

Crash Mountain, champions climb it,

Dizzy Dummies, champions are sick on it,

and the Grand Final, the Wipeout Zone. Only one champion wins it.

Not only does tonight's winner walk away with a Total Wipeout - The Final trophy,

they also get 10,000 smackeroons.

I don't know what that is in pounds. How many smackeroons to the pound?

Oh, apparently it's the same in pounds, who'd have thought?

Let's go over to Amanda to kick off this, the ultimate Total Wipeout tournament.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by teeny tiny but rusty tufty

super-fit gymnastics coach Kayley. Welcome back, Kayley.

-Hiya.

-What have you got to show the big 'uns what you've got?

Erm... I'm not too sure, cos they've got such long legs and they all seem really fit.

Grace Kayley shouldn't undersell herself too much.

Last time she was here she came second in the Wipeout Zone

and achieved one of the highest ball jumps ever.

Look at that, it's a good 'un!

No longer age before beauty, it's my tiny size that is going to win the prize.

Yeah! KLAXON BLARES

Oops. Off you go, yeah, yeah!

Right, Kayley's first obstacle is a returning favourite,

15 slightly dodgy planks held together in a slightly poor fashion.

They've been the undoing of many a past contestant.

It can only be Rake in the Face.

And off goes the 20-year-old gymnast.

Yes! Oh... Oh, no.

That was a spectacular fall, I'll give her that.

A flawless leap followed by a textbook dismount, marvellous work.

That's going to hurt.

Grace Kayley needs to be quick getting to the second set of Rakes

as there's a large queue of champions just behind her.

Here we go, makes her run, this is good, better, bestest,

-and she made it!

-Rufty tufty Kayley, well done.

So Kayley wastes no time heading to the Sucker Punch.

22 really annoyed pneumatic fists with one mission, to hurt champions.

Watch out for that fist, and the other fist, and all of the...

just look out.

Aargh!

Arms out like a true gymnast. Look at that, lovely.

Now the four arch-nemeses of any prospective champion...

..the Big Balls...

with added motivation.

As if this lot need it. They won't.

Here we go. No, don't look at it, Kayley, it might swing for you.

Right, she's off.

Ooh, she did it again!

SHE LAUGHS

That was almost identical to last time.

There you go, height-wise nothing in it, but Grace Kayley

has moved forward leaps and bounds on her footwork.

Spectacular left leg tuck going on there, look.

Only the fastest 12 make it through to the next round,

but being the Final, Kayley has got some stiff competition

so she does need to get a move on onto the last obstacle.

Very excited about this one, it's all shiny and brand-new,

specially hand-picked to push these champions to the limit.

You've seen strawberries, you've seen raspberries.

Well, that's nothing, it's time to meet...

the...Dangleberries?

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY Excuse me.

# You just keep me hanging on... #

Nine dangling berries that need to be crossed as quickly as possible

if the contestants are going to reach the end podium in double-quick time.

How will the first ever Dangleberry tackler fare?

We sure they're called that? They are called that, OK.

Second berry, she's on.

-Yeah, she is stuck.

-I can't reach!

-Oh, she can't reach.

I can't reach any of them.

She can't reach any of them.

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

Oh, she fell in the water.

So the Dangleberries claim their first victim,

and Kayley doesn't get her five a day.

I've got a feeling this won't be the last Dangleberry defeat.

Kayley bounces up the stairs to the finish podium in a time of 2:41,

but will that be quick enough to get her into the next round?

You started that off in literally leaps and bounds,

but it didn't go so well because you got one in the face, didn't you?

Yeah. Not leaps big enough.

Next to go is today's oldest and probably hardest past runner-up, it's Hard Nut Harry.

Oh, maybe he's softened up a bit since he was last on.

Hmm, ill-advised, this.

Only joking, this was Harry last time.

Roooar!

And this is what he's like now.

Aargh!

Quite a difference, I think you'll agree.

I'm lean, I mean, I'm a loving machine,

I've been here before and I'm back for more,

this time with a cheque on the door. Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Time to Harry to show us what he's made of.

Yes, yes, ooh!

Come on, Harry.

Oh, no! That wasn't supposed to happen.

Strong start from this forklift-driving tough guy, followed by an unnecessary finish.

He'll be disappointed with that start. Oh, dear.

On his last visit, Hard Nut Harry made it over the Sucker Punch.

He's probably hoping it'll run away from him today.

So this time round should be no problem at all, picking his nose.

Oof! Oh, that's going to hurt.

Ah, careful. Ooh! Ooh, crikey.

It's always the low down ones that get them.

He's going to end up with big red balls there.

Sorry, different thing, moving on. Here we go.

One...two... Ooh!

SHE LAUGHS

It starts off well, but Harry ends up going in nut-first.

That mohican has had quite a wash today.

Just the Dangleberries to go for Hard Nut Harry.

Come on, Harry. He's on one.

Oh, Lord, I think he's stuck too.

Oh, he just gave up there.

So Harry takes the scenic route to the finish podium

in a time of 3:07.

Oh, Mother. Whoo!

First time around both Kayley and Harry were runners-up,

unlike this next competitor who is today's first champion,

a man who can proudly say he's got a Total Wipeout trophy on show in his house.

If you look in the cupboard under the stairs it's next to the vacuum cleaner,

then there's a plastic sledge and a shoe cleaning kit. It's there.

# Champion... #

It's 53-year-old Paul of the Arctic.

This brave explorer pummelled the opposition to bag a trophy

and £10,000, and he's back to do it all again.

How did it feel to go home and be the Total Wipeout champion?

Great, the missus didn't stop laughing for two days, especially when she gets the cheque.

-Was she laughing at you or with you?

-I think she was laughing at the cheque.

Yeah, they're funny when they bounce.

I didn't like the spinning but I loved the winning, and I'm back.

Total Wipeout, be nice!

Not sure if it's going to be nice, Paul. Anyway, off he goes.

Yes, good, yes, yes!

And a champion start from the champion, come on, Paul...

Oh, loose one there, loose one.

It all started so promisingly.

an intrepid fall there from Paul of the Arctic,

he takes it in his stride.

It is a quick time, though. Paul racing up the ramp, come on.

Yes... Ooh!

Yep, that was worthy of a real champion, that fall,

definitely worth seeing again, I'd say.

And there you go.

Just the Dangleberries to go, looking strong.

Uh, looking wet.

Despite falling off nearly everything, this first champion

finishes the fastest so far today, 1:55.

Well done, Paul of the Arctic.

Now for the second champion,

23-year-old Kent model Josh, from Kent, and he came first.

Now, Josh, you were Total Wipeout champione, proving...

Oh, there you go, proving that you've got muscles, in just one arm.

HE LAUGHS

Off goes the model and champion. Wow!

He's making this look easy.

Ooh, oh!

-What a recovery.

-Get in!

Get in indeed, Josh.

On to the Big Balls, this is going to be good. One...two...

Oh, he's on the third, come on!

He did touch the fourth ball, though, that's great work.

Josh from Kent is looking very fast,

he might just have the quickest time of the day here, come on.

Ooh! He's beaten the Dangleberries...

plushed! Ow!

Ooh, your little voice has gone all squeaky as well, hasn't it?

Just a little bit. you know how it is. I'll be all right.

-But you made it, which is brilliant.

-Yeah.

Next to go, another model and runner-up to Josh from Kent, it's Frankie Incredible.

Well, listen, the last time you were here you were beaten in the Wipeout Zone by another model, Josh.

-Yeah.

-Are you going to wipe that pout off his pretty face today?

Definitely, and the other guys, yeah.

This is for the girls, I'm going to strut my way round this course.

Off she goes. Come on, Frankie.

Yes.

-Oh, no, not the face!

-Oh, no.

She's got the elegance of Naomi Campbell when she fell off that catwalk, she did.

Oh! Sorry about the face.

Last time she was on, Frankie Incredible

put in an incredible effort on the Big Red Balls

but didn't quite make it.

So the gauntlet has been laid. Can Frankie beat her last performance?

Well, she's not looking exactly sprightly now.

Yes, come on, Frankie, here we go, here we go. One...two...

Ooh, she's on the third, she's on the third ball. Come on, Frankie, get up.

Yes.

Come on.

-YES!

-YES!

-Yes, she did it!

She did it!

Frankie Incredible joins the elite ball crossers club with one shoe, what an achievement. Incredible.

It might not be the fastest time so far

but she more than made up for it with that ball crossing effort.

Yeah!

This is past runner-up Jerome Flatley.

Last time he was on the show this tough boxer picked a fight with Amanda. Mistake.

And lost. AMANDA LAUGHS

Now it's time for a rematch.

In the bluey-green corner, he's nifty on his feet, it's Jerome Flatley.

In the pinky-red corner it's the woman with the sharpest tongue in Argentina, Amanda Byram.

It's Byram vs Flatley, round one. Fight!

That's a triple knockout for Amanda.

Hailing from Sheffield, England, hoping to avenge my loss last time.

-Bring it on!

-Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding, round two.

This should be no trouble for this boxing hero, the Sucker Punch.

This one made for him.

Oh, no, he's out for the count.

Jerome really is going through the mill today.

It got him. Yeah, properly.

Ooh!

-Come on!

-Despite a pretty rough ride, Jerome reaches the end in 2:29.

He looks happy...

ish.

I stand agog at the fact that you didn't get past the Sucker Punch.

I know.

Slipped up at the last moment.

The punch just came from nowhere.

No, they came from there on the right, all the same place, look.

Anyway, time for a look at the leaderboard.

So Josh from Kent ends up grappling for first place

with Paul of the Arctic.

Frankie Incredible takes a ballsy third.

In fourth and fifth, it's Jerome Flatley and Grace Kayley,

and it's hard luck for Hard Nut Harry who's in sixth.

Now for another champion and Total Wipeout record holder.

Rob Roy ran the fastest Wipeout Zone ever, 1:06.

He'll be hoping to beat that today.

They call me the flying Scotsman, let's hope I can fly into the next round.

And off flies Rob Roy.

Wow, look at that!

Oh, no, oh!

I'm not sure about record-breaking, that was more kind of nose-breaking.

Look, smash.

I think the muddy kilt might be slowing him down.

No, it's not! Two...three...face.

That right there was a Glasgow kiss.

It was!

He saw that all right, eh?

Well, those knocks to the head haven't affected his performance.

He's on. Oops!

Hang on, Rob Roy, come on.

Hold on! Uh, yeah, there was something inevitable about that.

What an amazing run, though.

Roy is climbing to hit another potential record,

1:39, the fastest time so far today.

But how long will that record stand?

Here's another champion, and he's not short on confidence.

It's Ooh Ooh Dave.

HE SQUEAKS

Now, are you banking on another fantastic performance here today?

Of course I am, I'm going to win this one, again.

Again and again and again. Too easy. I could do it with my eyes closed.

Don't do it with your eyes closed, we're not insured for that.

Complicated. Ooh!

Ooh, Dave really should be doing this course with his eyes open.

Big Balls now.

Please open your eyes, Dave, please. One...two...

pain.

That looked nasty, for him, obviously. Great for us.

If Dave had opened his eyes, this is what he might have seen.

Probably better keeping them shut.

Oh, great, they're open now.

# Suddenly I see... #

Well, this should help him.

Oh, and it has, too, it's a really quick run.

In fact he's in danger of beating Rob Roy. Almost there.

Wow, a Dangleberry victory in 1:39, another draw.

If this keeps happening it's really going to mess up my leaderboard.

On the balls the faceplant was quite spectacular.

My head should have fallen off, I don't know how it didn't.

I was probably stranded there for about two minutes like that.

Ah, another form to fill in.

Look, it's Shabba and his homies, but where are his homies?

I'm a regular football player, I play every week, I play with the homies.

What, you play with the homeless?

No, not the homeless! They're the boys, the homies.

Oh, the homies.

The homies, it's time for part two, so let me entertain you. Let's go!

So once again Shabba is homieless.

Who are the homies, is that a family name?

He doesn't care anyway, look at him go!

What a start! Wow!

Unbelievable!

Astonishing!

Oh, that can't be good for his homies, no. Argh!

He is quick, though. Wow!

Come on, Shabba.

Shabba's on the blue... Is that a tetrahedron? Is it?

I... I...doesn't matter now, he's in the water.

It's a bit pyramidy, isn't it? That's dodecahedron.

I know it's not important.

Shabba minus his homies gets round the Qualifier

-in a really quick time - 1:38.

-Yes! Get in there.

That's quicker than Rob Roy, wow.

I reckon if I get to the final for this one, I'm going to give it 200%, especially for my boy Junior.

Ah, Jiggedy Biggedy Ali's back.

Erm...

It's a book? Three words.

Eating a sandwich? Is that a book?

Jiggedy Big is back, I want to make history and it's going to be tonight.

-Yeah!

-Yeah, but will it be good history like Winston Churchill or bad history like the poll tax riots?

You know, there's history and history...

This looks like good history so far.

Wow!

SHE LAUGHS

The kebab shop owner takes on the Sucker Punch, looking good...

Ooh, sneaky trip!

It's time for the Big Balls, come on, Ali.

Here we go.

Oh, ooh, ooh!

Yet again it's a case of Jiggedy Biggedy and then a splash.

That strategy definitely needs work.

But Ali is flying across the Dangleberries,

he could even beat Shabba's time here.

This is incredible.

-Stretches out... And he's done it!

-Yes!

Ali snatches the lead with an unbelievable time of 1:34.

This is incredible and there's still 12 people to run.

Now for another returning champion.

He wore a bandanna, he's called Andy. That's right, it's Band Andy.

Listen, you're a Total Wipeout Champion,

Andy from Bideford, how did that feel?

Erm...wrong.

My dad once told me it's not the winning, is the taking part.

What does he know?

Well, he knows how to raise a Total Wipeout Champion, show some respect.

Off he goes. Ooh-hoo, hoo, hoo!

OH!

I wonder if he spent his entire ten grand winnings in the souvenir shop.

It looks like he did but...

Oh, pain all over.

But being a true champion, that little fall didn't stop Andy

so off he goes. No, that did.

Stopped him there.

Let's see how he deals with the Dangleberries.

Quite slowly it seems. I think I might need to come back to him.

Andy's not the only person to struggle with the Dangleberries,

these tricky little foam fellows have slowed the pace

of even the fastest competitors today.

I'm stuck!

-Come on!

-How am I going to do this?

The trick is not to dangle for too long, that's what gets you.

Returning runner-up Sort Of Kel

found the Dangleberries sort of...

Tricky. This wasn't supposed to happen.

37-year-old Wipeout Zone veteran, Ivor the Driver seemed to...

let go of the handbrake.

And 41-year-old children's entertainer Handy-sized Andy struggled.

Come on. Argh!

But still managed to entertain the kids.

Just goes to show that even some of the finest competitors of the series

can come unstuck thanks to some ill-placed dangly shapes.

-Last stop.

-I can't reach!

Back to Band Andy and he's been dangling for over two minutes now.

That's not good news, given today's stiff competition.

Unfortunate.

So Band Andy reaches the finish in 5:11. I'll say no more.

I love those Dangleberries, a great obstacle, so well crafted, it's all in the name.

Oh, just received an e-mail from Sylvia in Sidcup,

and she's very upset at the use of the word Dangleberries.

It does sound a bit rude, doesn't it?

Ooh, just received another e-mail, this one is from Steve.

Apparently dangleberries are a type of fruit from the east coast of America.

It has a pink flower. Oh, that sounds lovely, that's not horrible at all.

No, Sylvia disagrees. She says it still sounds rude.

Yeah, it does.

Oh, this one's from my producer.

Oh, I see, it says, "Get on with it."

OK, here's the leader board.

So Jiggedy Biggedy Ali has leapt to the top spot

with Shabba close behind.

Ooh-ooh Dave is in third, and so is Rob Roy, annoyingly

on the next page, with Josh from Kent

and Paul of the Arctic in joint fifth.

Just too many ties.

Ivor the Driver is in eighth, and looking slightly more precarious

are Grace Kayley, Band Andy, and Hard Nut Harry.

This is Total Wipeout legend Katie Lamb, the daughter of England cricket legend Allan Lamb.

Here she is on the Sucker Punch hoping that mud doesn't stop play.

What did she do there?

That, that leg move.

She's at it again, maybe Katie's unlocked

the secret of the Sucker Punch with this adapted fast bowling technique.

There you go, it works.

Oh, look.

Looking good. Ooh, howzat?

-Oh, Katie!

-Yeah.

My mistake, it wasn't a breakthrough, just a silly way of walking.

Katie seems to be just fooling around on the berries.

Oops.

Katie completes her champion's qualifier in a time of 2:47.

Sorry, Alan, it looks like your daughter might be out for a duck,

in the water.

Next to go is wildlife vet and runner-up Dashing Julian.

Last time Julian was here, he dashed straight into the water...

like that.

Time to see if Julian can beat that performance.

One, two, three, four... Oh, no!

Uh...

Good news - fourth ball. Bad news - broken face.

But a great recovery and a good time so far.

-Yes!

-He's done it, despite that clattering.

Dashing Julian reaches the end in a still rather good 1:54. Well done.

Still doesn't excuse the shorts.

Now it's the turn of Wiggly Wiggly Andy, the Total Wipeout champ

who did this, and this,

and won that.

-Welcome back, Andy.

-How are you doing? Nice to meet you.

-I'm very...

-I met you before, what are you talking about?

Well, nice to meet you again. Nice to see you, to see you nice.

Can't have that catchphrase, it's taken.

The champ is back, but the job is not done until I'm number one...

-again!

-A bold statement indeed.

It's time to see if the actions speak louder than words.

Wow! Massive jump, amazing stuff.

Across the first set of Rakes, now the second.

Ooh! No, he's recovered and he's over.

There he is.

Sucker Punch now, can Andy keep this up? Come on.

Ooh!

And he's doing well, flawless stuff from Wiggly Wiggly Andy.

Last time out, Andy became a ball crosser.

Yes!

Can he become a ball double-crosser today?

Here we go. Come on. One, two,

three... Oh, maybe he can. Blimey!

Come on. Oh! What a legend!

Andy Cowper from Welwyn Garden City

does what no person has ever done before,

he's crossed the balls for a second time.

He just has talent. Amazing.

Andy posts an incredible leader board topping time of 1:22.

I am such a big fan of this guy,

but this next guy's not.

That's because Andy beat James, the slam poet, last time round

and now he wants revenge.

-James, welcome back.

-Hi, Amanda, how's it going?

You have any final-related poetry for me today?

-I've got one, if you want it.

-I'd love one, yes, please.

This one is called the City of Water.

I'm back with sharper teeth, heightened awareness of these main streets of water.

I'll jump from pillar to plinth and stand so much taller,

Spring-heeled Jack's found another brawler.

KLAXON

Yeah, the klaxon operator clearly not a fan of poetry.

Anyway, Slam Dunk James sets off.

-Ooh!

-Oh!

A giant leap to match Andy's, but he's slightly cautious now,

it is paying off.

Now on to the second batch.

-Yes!

-Wow, James has matched Andy's impressive start.

And he got across here unscathed.

Ooh! He's getting a bit scathed but this is looking good. Ow!

Andy's across.

The boy is back in town.

He's going to need to do something special here to beat Andy.

One, two... Ooh, what's this?

And he's done it!

That was special. That was ultra special.

That was beyond special.

Slam Dunk James just gallops across the balls, utterly brilliant.

This is starting to resemble an actual sport show now,

you know, four, four, two,

game of two halves, do a goal, all of that.

Isn't it?

And what's more, James has defeated the Dangleberries.

A flawless run and an all-time record for the qualifier, 1:07.

James has triggered the Unbelievable-ometer.

Andy will be jealous.

Phew! This is relentless.

Here's 27-year-old champion Scouser Modest Mikey.

Calm down, calm down, calm down.

Yes, it's the welcome return of my Liverpudlian accent

and, of course, Scouse champion Mike.

Crikey Mikey, you did well the last time.

I didn't do too badly really. It was fantastic, it was, you know.

Calm down, calm down, calm down.

-Push it, push it, PUSH IT!

-FARTING

You pushed it a bit hard there.

So off goes Modest Mikey. He is flying.

Yes! Oh, oh!

And now he's falling.

Mikey, crikey!

Three crossings so far today, not sure if I can take another.

One, two, three, no, four! This is...

I'm gonna need some tablets.

Amazing! Truly heroic stuff from Mikey.

And somehow Mikey has beaten Slam Dunk James's time

and set off the Unbelievable-ometer again.

1:06. ALARM BLARES

This is doing nothing for my blood pressure,

I don't think I could take another ball crossing.

Will someone turn the alarm off! ALARM STOPS

Thank you.

This is Scott, and he's from Basingstoke.

On the international special, he flew the flag for team GB.

Whoo!

You thought it was just a warm-up, now you're going to see my A game!

Great Scott, he's confident!

Here we go.

Ooh, ooh! Look at this!

Wow! I... What?

Amazing.

I'm having palpitations the way this show's going.

On to the Sucker Punch. Super fast start on the Sucker Punch.

-Ooh!

-Not for long.

Great Scott, it's the Big Balls.

One, two... This can't be happening again.

Four.

He's done is as well! That's five in one day.

Incredible!

Great Scott nearly over the Dangleberries to finish in...

Oh, no. It's coming.

Wait for it.

ALARM BLARES He's set the alarm off. 1:04.

That's the fastest ever, again!

Stay calm.

Stay calm.

It's OK, I'm feeling better now.

Two contestants remain.

Firstly, there's champion No Wally Ollie,

a serious contender.

Then there's Geordie Legs Ian, the less serious contender.

First time around, Ian sported a wonderful collection of facial hair, but times have changed.

The chops have gone.

Just the tache remains. Very suave.

Now what kind of a Wally wears socks like those?

Yes, No Wally Ollie.

My name is Ollie B, you can't catch me,

I'm the fastest thing that you'll ever see!

So, Wipeout, bring it.

Bring what, new socks maybe?

Right, Ollie's charge begins.

Ooh, charge temporarily interrupted.

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie! Ow, ow, ow!

Ah, Geordie Legs, must be Ian's.

By the power of my moustache, I'm going to bag this cash!

So time to see what the power of a tache can do. Hmm, oh.

Where's the power in your tache now, eh, Ian?

There's Ollie getting fired up. I think you need some anger management.

And this is the place for it. Mind the shorts. Ooh, no!

Oh, dear.

Take it on the chin. That's it.

Yeah, anatomy class needed for Amanda.

That's not his chin, no.

Now can Ian's all-powerful tache protect him on the Sucker Punch?

No, not even slightly.

No, not at all, in fact.

And now it's muddy.

Ollie's looking good, though.

He reaches the finish in 2:10.

He's just snuck into the final 12.

Come on.

And what's this?

Ian is looking quick too. This is so close to Ollie's time.

If he can beat 2:10, he's going to make it to the next round.

Come on, Ian, do it for facial hair everywhere.

Careful.

Yes! He's done it. 2:05, and Ian has ousted Ollie from the final 12.

What a dramatic finish.

So the final leader board looks like this, with their frankly

record-breaking times Great Scott, Modest Mikey, and Slam Dunk James.

Jiggedy Biggedy is in fifth,

Rob Roy and Ooh Dave joint seventh, Josh from Kent

and Paul of the Arctic joint tenth,

and by the power of his moustache, Geordie Legs Ian just snuck in.

What a competition this is turning out to be!

As this show is the final, it's all about the winner.

But you've got to give the losers some credit and here they are.

This is Crash Mountain.

They've all crossed it before, but this time it's personal.

12 champions. Only five can make it through to the next round.

It's an all-out dash to the centre to reserve their places

in Dizzy Dummies.

The other seven take their seats for the first time on the losers bench.

On podiums one and two, it's Ooh Dave and Wiggly Wiggly Andy.

There's only room for one record breaker so, Roy, I'll see you later.

On three and four, Dashing Julian and Geordie Legs Ian.

On this mountain I will not crash, because I have a magic moustache.

Ole. On five, six, and seven,

Jiggedy Biggedy Ali, Paul of the Arctic, and...

No, stop that! Rob Roy.

On eight and nine, Great Scott and Slam Dunk James.

Yes, I believe in love, yes, I believe in peace,

but I'm bringing all these boys to the ground.

On ten and 11, Josh from Kent and Shabba and his homies.

My name is Shabba and I am the king with the golden crown.

You know what? You ain't my homies. You lot are going down. Whoa.

Careful. And finally on podium 12, it's Modest Mikey, looking modest.

It's an all-male Crash Mountain, there's testosterone everywhere,

and it's catching.

-Are you all ready?

-CONTESTANTS: Yes.

They're are men, they say they were born ready. Three, two,

one!

Champions Crash Mountain begins and James is dashing already.

-Oh, James!

-This is ridiculous!

James is already into the next round.

James is on.

Within milliseconds James made it,

and he even took out the camera on the way.

Yes, are those cables safe in that water? Hmm.

Roy's on now, and off. Couldn't match James.

Now it's Josh from Kent.

-Ooh!

-Oh, Joshey!

Dashing Julian. Ooh! Hang on.

No.

Oh! Right in the ribs.

Who'll be next? It's Paul of the Arctic.

Ooh, hang on.

Now Scott's on the paddle.

Paul's nearly sliced in half. Hang on.

And now he's off. But Great Scott is through to the next round.

Great Scott living up to his name.

Two places taken, three remain.

And Shabba is going for one of them.

Come on, Shabba. It's the lover man.

I think Amanda's been on the tequila again.

Shabba's up.

-Ooh! That went very wrong.

-Oh!

That really was a champion quality wipeout.

Excellent work.

And now Ooh Dave leaps into action. Careful.

He's up. Ow!

David, oh!

Dave treating us to another world-class wipeout.

Josh from Kent is on the paddle for the second time. Come on, Josh.

He's up, he's away, and Josh is through too... I think... Yes, he is.

Two places left, who will take them?

Dave, Andy, Roy, Julian, Ian, Paul, Shabba, or Mikey?

Ian and his Geordie legs surge into action...

kind of.

Yep, he's up. Ooh!

That hit him like a steam train.

Ha-ha! Ow!

It's Modest Mikey going for it now.

Come on. Got to get up. He is...

Ooh! So close!

And quite painful.

Here's Wiggly Wiggly Andy.

Ready to pounce. He's up and look at that, Andy is through.

After that spectacular run by Andy,

only one place remains in Champions Dizzy Dummies.

Paul.

Oh, no!

Now it's Ali's turn.

Jiggedy Biggedy's on.

This might be his last chance.

Come on. Ooh!

So many wonderful wipeouts today. We really are being spoiled.

Shabba's psyching himself up for another attempt by the looks of it.

He's on, just.

It could be all or nothing now for Shabba.

Off he goes...

and Shabba's done it!

A well-timed dash and Shabba keeps himself in the competition.

That means Shabba, Andy, James, Scott and Josh are all through to the next round.

That was an incredible Crash Mountain.

So incredible that I'm seriously considering adding it

to my long-running list of incredible things I've seen.

So far I've got...

snow, holograms, and a squirrel that can water ski.

Oh, yes, that Crash Mountain is definitely going on my list. Got a pen?

Let's tip our hats to those who have fallen by the wayside.

Last time I just jumped on it and ran straight over,

this time I just couldn't quite get it right.

The standard for this championship was just stunning.

It was just fast and it was hard

and it's the one thing I think I'm not particularly good at.

I'm disappointed I didn't qualify for the next round.

The bar caught me in the legs, I ended up being the cow in the water again.

It was like more Jiggedy Biggedy smack.

No excuses, great time.

I just didn't make it.

If I was a bit mad I'd put my money on Scott to go all the way. He's light, he's quick on his feet.

Out of the boys that went through, I'd like to see Shabba win it.

A lot of tough guys got through. I'd love James to win.

James is a really nice kid, I hope he gets through.

I hope they all get spun very fast on Dizzy Dummies

and wander off into the bush in Buenos Aires somewhere.

It's Champions Dizzy Dummies and here's what makes up the course today.

It begins with a stomach churning spin,

then a dash up the rotating ramp and through the shapes,

followed by a race across the Teeter Totters to the finish.

The last person across is eliminated.

Then it all happens all over again, but this time they have to cross the Doughnuts.

First three to make it are in the Ultimate Final Wipeout.

To be in with a chance of winning the big bucks on this show,

you've got to have strong arms, strong legs, and...

a strong stomach.

A very strong stomach.

Are you all ready?

Weaklings ! Three...two...one!

HOOTER

Whilst the contestants prepare to rise to the occasion,

along with their barf, a reminder of who's still in the game.

Looking lost for words, it's Slam Dunk James.

Spring heeled Jack's found another broad...

HOOTER

Great Scott, it's the record-breaking Great Scott.

Last time was just a warm-up, now I'm going to bring my A game.

Yes! Get in there!

Doing it for the respect of his homeboys is Shabba and his homies.

He's crossed the balls twice, it's Wiggly Wiggly Andy.

The job is not done until I'm number one.

His name is Josh, he's from the Home Counties, it's Josh from the Home Counties, sorry, Josh from Kent.

First obstacle, the seatbelts, seems to be causing Scott a problem,

so Andy charges ahead and straight through the shapes. He's quick.

It's a grapple between Scott and Josh,

but what's this, Andy is racing ahead, making this a look easy.

And he's across, gives a little bow too.

Marvellous. Here's James now...

Oh, no.

That was so close to the finish too, back to the start for him.

Josh completely on his own,

on to the second table...

And Josh is across! He makes that look easy as well.

So now there are only two spaces left.

Scott is really going for it even though no-one's following him.

This is looking quick.

And it's paid off. Great Scott is through.

It's between James and Shabba now.

Don't stay there for too long, Shabba, James is closing in.

Jump, Shabba, jump...

because here comes James.

Ooh, he's realised, and Shabba is through. That means Slam Dunk James is out.

That was so incredibly close.

It wasn't bad, it wasn't bad at all.

-But fair play to Shabba, was it Shabba at the end?

-It was Shabba.

-Yeah, I love Shabba. Everyone loves him.

-Well done, hard luck.

-Thank you.

HOOTER

So here goes a second spin cycle.

Ah, this is nice.

-No, it's not, is it?

-# The winner takes it all... #

It's horrible.

OK, that's enough.

Off they go.

Scott's looking ill and heading the wrong way, what's he doing?

Andy must have an inner ear of steel, Shabba joining him.

And Shabba's first onto the doughnuts with Andy close behind. In fact, Andy overtaking... Ooh.

-There's Josh, oh, straight in.

-Oof.

-So Andy's still ahead...

Oh, no, no!

That dodge ball was kicked by Eduardo Maradona, Diego's younger brother, such accuracy, devastating.

Shabba and Scott getting comfy on the first doughnut, Josh out in front.

Oh, and Josh is off again, that grease causing a few problems today.

That's Shabba in the water.

Great Scott now, Andy closing in.

That doughnut really ain't big enough for the both of them.

Scott now, oh, no!

Scott's duck has handed the lead to Andy.

Andy joined by Josh now.

Ooh, there's some pushing. Oh, no!

Getting mean and nasty. Ha ha ha.

Andy's shove backfired, that'll teach him.

Josh is nearly there, and Josh has made it.

He is in the Wipeout Zone.

Yes, get in. Exactly.

Here comes Andy now, just two places left in the final.

There's Shabba with Scott, this is going to be tense.

Andy leaps and he's on, just one last jump to make...

Andy could be in trouble now, it's over to Shabba and Scott.

Gonna take our time, Andy's off, right?

A coalition. Will it work, though?

Do you know, teamwork might actually be helping, this is just weird.

Scott's made it too.

Take your time.

Oh!

Oh, nearly... Come on, come on.

Hurry up, hurry up!

Shabba's safe, wait, Scott. He's in!

-Oh!

-No, he didn't.

That coalition didn't end well for Scott, it's all or nothing for Andy now.

NO! Andy!

I don't know if I can take much more of this, it's unbelievable.

Well, Scott's shouting, so he's still got some fight left. Here he goes...

on to the first doughnut, steadies himself.

Every moment he waits is a moment that Andy can catch up, so come on.

Come on, Scott.

Make your move, he's onto the second.

Can't afford to make any mistakes now, Andy catching up.

This is tense.

He's moving on. One more jump...

And Scott makes it! That means Wiggly Wiggly Andy is eliminated.

So Great Scott has bagged a third spot in the Wipeout Zone and I need a rest.

Poor Andy, he put up such a great fight.

You would've been such a worthy finalist, you missed out. You were so close... Talk to me.

Obviously all credit to the other contestants, done well.

Um...

I'm pretty much really gutted because I've been training so hard for this.

You've been such a worthy contestant but, Andy, we'll never know.

I guess we won't, I mean, I can't believe it.

We have three champions, but there can only be one champion

so what I said just then doesn't work. I'll start again.

We have three champions,

but of those three champions, there can only be one better champion than the other two.

Yes! (I am pretty!)

So time for a reminder of those three champions who will be competing in order to be the better champion

of the final of the Total Wipeout show that is on now, on the telly.

Obviously we're competing against the best of the best

because this is the champion of champions.

I'm in the top three out of the whole series, I guess,

and to win would obviously be amazing.

I'm allergic to losing.

Hopefully if all goes well tonight,

I'll come out on top and be the best one of the whole series.

This means a lot for me and my kids and I'm going to definitely do it for them tonight.

-ECHOING:

-For them tonight, for them tonight...

Josh, yes, he is just a pretty face, I think.

Hopefully he doesn't get too messed up if he hits the water too hard.

Scott goes for it, he had the fastest in the qualifier, he looks like he doesn't play about.

Scott's definitely got speed, but I've got more speed than him.

It might just come down to the last hurdle, and I might just beat him to it.

From what I've heard, I may be the favourite in this particular group.

As soon as the klaxon sounds and I get pushed down the big slide for the final,

I've got to take risks this time.

Last time I was overcautious, this time I'm not going to do that.

Hopefully I ain't going to fall in, I'm just going to go for it.

I'm going to finish it in the fastest record time ever.

I'm a dark horse when it counts, I've put the work in.

Speed, speed, speed, all the way to the end.

Hit the buzzer, set the fireworks off,

win the prize.

Best of luck to everyone...

after I've won.

They haven't changed the course, but they've changed the trophy!

So it's down the Killer Surf for the trophy,

then up the Rapid Climb to win the trophy.

The Seesaw - trophy, Crazy Sweeper - trophy, Rope, Swing, Button - trophy!

The fastest is the Ultimate Total Wipeout Champion, wins £10,000 and the TROPHY!

Finally, this is it, the final Wipeout Zone of the series, finally.

Our three heroes have been here before but only one can be crowned

the Total Wipeout Series Champion, and Shabba is the first to brave it.

Well, Shabba ranks in the top three - I had to -

and I'm sure all his homies will be cheering him on.

Cheers, everyone, looks like Daddy is bringing the cup home.

I'll love you lots. Let's go, come on.

KLAXON BLARES

So Shabba gets this Champions Total Wipeout Zone started.

He was beaten to the prize once before,

he will not want a repeat performance today.

Shabba in the fight for Series Champion.

He's got to heave himself up quickly here,

struggling a bit, by the looks of it.

Come on, Shabba.

So the ten-second Tidal Wave countdown begins

but he's making light work of this now.

And he's made it.

Seesaw now.

Oh, he's racing across...sort of.

Yes, he's made it.

On to the Crazy Sweeper, picking his moment.

He's off, looking like he picked the right moment.

Yes, perfection!

Now the Rope Swing...

Good, steady swing. Ooh, messy landing.

Come on, one last jump.

Here we go.

He's made it, 1:18,

that is a seriously good time.

All for you! YES!

Shabba, you've done it for them, you've done it for yourself,

you've also done it for your kids.

Yes, yes, definitely 150% for my kids, Friza and Rianne.

They're the ones who encouraged me to come here, I've done it for them.

-Fingers crossed.

-Well, for the kids you've just done that in 1:18.

-That is brilliant, that's awesome.

Good for you. Scott's up next, let's watch.

Great Scott requires a truly great performance now.

Records are meant to be broken, come on!

Yes, come on.

Scott didn't win the Wipeout Zone

on his last attempt.

He's unaware of Shabba's incredibly fast time

so he'll just be doing this

the quickest he possibly can.

That is a fast swim,

the ten seconds begun

and he's looking quick up the Rapid Climb.

No Tidal Wave, Scott is flying.

Balancing time now,

he's on...

and straight across,

which means he's on to the Crazy Sweeper.

Quicker than Shabba at this point.

Good duck, but now he's up and going for it...

really going for it. How quick was that?!

The current all-time record

for the Wipeout Zone is 1:06,

could Scott beat that as well?

He swings, perfect landing.

I don't believe this,

58 seconds, a new Wipeout Zone record.

He is my hero!

Now he's my double hero!

-Scott, that was one giant leap for you.

-Thank you very much.

Scott, I've got to tell you, Shabba was absolutely monumentally fantastic here tonight.

I know that you've said that this would be your greatest achievement ever in life so far.

Well, Shabba, he's one step closer to that because he was faster than you.

Well, done, Scott - hard luck, Shabba my man.

-Well, done, good luck.

-Go and join the others, well done for getting so far.

-Yeah!

If anyone can pull it out of the bag to beat Scott's record, it's Josh from Kent.

First is mine, I'm setting the pace, you're behind - I can't see your face.

Yes, he's gone for the rhyming option.

I'd advise against, but he's done it.

So only Josh can stop Scott

from taking the Champions' Champion title now.

Josh is the only finalist

to have beaten the Wipeout Zone

but with Scott's amazing time

he's got his work cut out for him.

Whoo!

Josh racing up the Rapid Climb too,

beats the Tidal Wave easily,

straight onto the Seesaw now.

Now he's got Scott worried.

Easily across there,

he needs a fast Crazy Sweeper to match Scott,

and he's off.

He ducks,

and on his way. This is very fast, too,

very fast.

Safely to the Rope Swing, this is a terrific effort.

Josh swings out...

OH NO!

Oh, my God.

It was all going so well for Josh,

but that slip has just cost him

the Champions' title.

Josh doesn't know it,

this is now a battle for second place,

hauling himself up that ladder,

Scott can relax now.

One last jump for Josh.

1:16, a brilliant time,

just not good enough for today.

Oh, Josh, my gosh - what a fantastic run

until the very end.

Oh, I slipped off, I couldn't stay on.

It was still a fantastic run, an absolutely brilliant run.

I'm going to put you both out of your misery right now.

One of you has broken the Wipeout Zone record.

In a time of 58 seconds, the Series Champion is...

..Scott! Well, done, my man.

MUSIC: "Zadok the Priest" by Handel

Great Scott, that was an utterly incredible performance.

Scott Prior from Basingstoke is a double record breaker.

There could be no more worthy winner of the title Series Champion than this guy.

It's too much, I can't take any more.

I need something to calm me down. Quick, show the clip again.

Ha-ha! He splashed the lady!

So that's it for this final show and in a way, wasn't it a wonderful reflection of what life is all about?

You know, there were tears, laughter, drama, action, and trophy.

And there were a lot of unbelievable...

Stop that!

And there were a lot of unbelievable performances. I need a lie down.

From Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

If you want to take part

in the next series of Total Wipeout,

please go to...

and fill out an application form.

E-mail [email protected]

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd