International Special Total Wipeout

Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing the first ever international Total Wipeout.

They journeyed from afar, drawn by the distant battle cry.

And a little ad in local newspapers.

A team of valiant Brits, including a Morris dancer and a dentist,

will battle the rest of the world,

including a kebab shop owner and a belly dancer.

They've all travelled to Argentina,

home to the most thrilling assault course known to man.

National pride is at stake, as well as £10,000 in the local currency.

For Queen and country, let the games begin.

Welcome to a special edition of Total Wipeout, and this time it actually is a special edition.

Tonight, a team of the UK's finest face a rest of the world team,

but only one individual can win the £10,000 prize and be crowned

Total Wipeout's first, internationally world global champion UK division version one.

That title needs some work.

Time to meet the teams and the obstacles which await them,

and, can I just say, I will be sticking to the strict BBC guidelines

on impartiality throughout today's proceedings.

Go Team GB.

The UK team - eight proud, ordinary Brits, led by a Wipeout legend.

There'll be celebrations in every front room of our country tonight

when Great Britain wins Total Wipeout.

The Rest of the World - hungry, eager, captained by another Wipeout master.

I'm not going to let my country down,

I'm not going to let my team down.

I feel it on my shoulders, and I think I'm big enough.

This is going to be epic, and funny.

# When two tribes go to war

# A point is all that you can score. #

The challenges may be different, but the course is exactly the same.

The Qualifier - gruelling.

Crash Mountain - arduous and gruelling.

Dizzy dummies - arduous, gruelling and punishing.

And the Wipeout Zone - punishing, gruelling, arduous, punishing, arduous, gruelling, and punishing.

The traditional British champagne is on ice,

I've got a classic British curry in the microwave,

and what could be more patriotic than this British bulldog?

Which is made in China.

Time to hand over to the lovely Amanda Byram,

who's with the first GB contender.

-PING!

-Oh! Curry's ready.

Meet Peter. Like many a great British warrior of old,

Peter's a 44-year-old solicitor from Norwich.

And I don't think that's his real hair. Oh, it is.

Peter, how excited are you to be representing Great Britain here today?

Absolutely excited to be here, Amanda.

I've represented Great Britain before when I played the drums

for the National Youth Brass Band of Great Britain.

Have you been bish, bash, boshing your way through your fitness regime at home in preparation for this?

-I did some running, then I took up darts to help my wrists.

-Oh.

Get one for the boys. I'll cross! For revenge, for 1066.

What was all that about?

Anyway, he's off, no matter, Great Britain's first challenger sets off.

Bit of running and one game of darts should stand him in excellent stead for the Qualifier.

Just look how he's hurtling up and on to the pontoons.

He's hurtling, he's up.

This is going to be good.

The eyes of the world are watching,

Team GB better come out all guns blazing.

Peter's just getting warmed up.

Here we go, the Traplonks.

And he's fallen in.

Any bounce afforded by the plank there

immediately dissipated by Peter's wobbly legs.

Never mind, I still think Peter has got what it takes.

Oh.

Let's hope the Sucker Punch doesn't deliver its own 1066,

the Battle of Pastings.

Oh, come on, Peter!

Come on!

My belief in Peter is starting to waver, if I'm honest.

Is this definitely the best Britain could field?

OK, Peter of Hastings,

make up for lost time with a powerful run on the... Balls.

The swinging letter of SH. A final chance for Peter.

Oh dear, he's... Yeah.

He's let himself down there, very quickly.

So, as Peter of Hastings drags himself up the stairs,

he may well have beaten by the Qualifier,

but he can still hold his head up high, four minutes 44.

-Yes!

-Yes.

Go Team GB?

Quick, we need another Brit, but this time make it somebody good.

That's more like it!

This man has the distinct air of a martial-arts expert.

Yes, this is Kirpal from Stratford- upon-Avon, and he knows karate.

Oh. I always thought that grass was real.

Traplonks, take one. Ow!

# All I want for Christmas is my two front... #

Oh! He may need some dental work.

# My two front teeth. #

Come on, now, make Mr Miyagi proud.

Ow! Oh!

Oh!

Let's extract the positives -

he is the first today to touch the trapeze, yeah.

Come on, Kirpal, for England,

Harry, and William, and Charles, and Eugenie, and...

hang on, he's off. He's still on it.

Ball two. Onto the...

Sorry, Kirpal, I spoke too soon.

What's he doing now? That's sacrilege.

The Union Jack, taken off and carelessly tossed aside.

The swinging letters then, here we go.

Hang tight, hang tight...

Ker-pow!

Yeah, Ker-pow Kirpal reaches the finish,

and look, I think his teeth are still intact... Oh.

# ..Christmas is my two front teeth... #

It's like the World Cup all over again come,

and I'm not talking about 1966,

I mean all the ones we did badly in, which is all the others.

It's time now for the rest of the world to show us what they can do,

and which nation is going to step up

and kick that metaphorical penalty of embarrassment?

Three words - Germany...

..is next.

Covered that one nicely.

This is 30 year-old assistant retail manager, Ralf.

He lives in York, but hails from Germany, and he's got co-ordination.

And he's got to stop dancing like that.

Guten tag, Ralf.

-Schonen tag, Amanda.

-What?

Hi, Amanda.

Now, Ralf, I hate to buy into stereotypes,

but have you been out here since 6am this morning

putting your towel down at the end of the Qualifier?

To be fair, I was actually awake at 5:45am, just to make sure.

I might be amongst the best, but efficiency will beat the rest!

OK! So, Ralf thinks he's amongst the best?

Well, he's certainly top three at the moment - he's the third one out.

Looking good so far. How will he fare on the Traplonks?

Well, he's up, running across the podium.

Here we go, composes himself for the first Traplonk.

Yes, and misses the trapeze just like everyone else.

That wasn't very efficient, was it?

Has Ralf learned from his mistake?

Oh, he has!

-Yes!

-Wunderbar!

Some German, there, trying to bamboozle the Balls, I think.

The music soaring, and so's Ralf.

Oh, show-off!

I'm not sure that was efficient use of momentum.

But then I'm not really sure what momentum is either,

so let's just say he fell off.

This is looking very good for the rest of the world.

Can he get over unbumped? Oh, amazing!

Oh, not amazing.

Ralf's flash of genius in jumping the S has been undone by falling off the H. Entertaining, though.

Well done, precision Ralf, that's a wunderbar time.

-Why did you make me do this?

-I didn't.

I don't know why you're all looking at me strangely, I am one ninth German, you know.

The von Hammondstein's owned a sausage emporium in Valkenburg.

So, three contestants down, 15 to go.

Why only 18 in total?

Don't ask me, how would I know?

I'm just sat on this school wearing a Bavarian hunting hat and holding a sausage.

Oh, Hammond, look at you.

Where did it all go so wrong?

Boerevors, koeksisters. In your face!

MUSIC PLAYS

Why, what's going on?

The vuvuzela didn't sound like that in the World Cup, did it?

She's good.

VUVUZELA SOUNDS

Oh, no, there we go, same dreary racket as always.

This is 34 year-old Chantelle from South Africa, via Colliers Wood.

She's up and racing towards the Traplonks. Here we go.

Still tricky. As a keen surfer,

Chantelle's faced a few sharks in her time,

but the big red Balls, they're a whole different kettle of fish.

Or are sharks mammals? I don't know. Anyway.

Beautiful sound, OK. Got her in mood, here she goes.

1, 2... none.

Had a lucky bounce off Ball number two there for Chantelle. Oh, dear.

Still, sharky Chantelle reaches the finish in an impressive two minutes and seven seconds.

Next, it's 28 year-old Cam from...

Where's she from now?

Give us a clue? Still not getting it.

Play me her national anthem.

# Too many broken hearts... #

Oh, Australia! Got it. Stirring anthem, love this.

Yeah, moving, oh, yeah.

Cammy, I'm already worried for you,

because you're a little bit eeny weeny,

and that out there is particularly massive.

Yes, I'm only five foot, but I'm born-and-bred as an Aussie,

so I'm going to prove to everybody

that I can be as good as all the Aussies.

OK, Cammy, who now lives in London, is bounding towards the Traplonks.

Will she... no, she won't,

that trapeze is definitely just too far away today.

For a small lady, she performs quite a jump, but it just wasn't enough.

# ..Land down under... #

The swinging letters of SH, no one's managed them today.

Will she? Come on, Cam, here we go, makes a run for it.

That was spectacular!

Cam slips, sits, spins,

and takes the full force of the S to the back of the head.

But rising from the ashes - which we own - Cam-Geroo bounces back

and reaches the finish line in three minutes and 14 seconds.

I'm joined now at the top of the course by a man called Mani, and Mani is a man from Bolivia.

What have you got in your Bolivian tank, Mani?

In Bolivia, we've the Bolivian Tinku warrior dance,

and it's a very fierce dance, and you should be scared.

And there you go. And...

..there you go, that will scare anybody, I think.

Well, to be honest, the shorts are scarier than the dance. They are.

Tinku Mani, looking serious now as he approaches the Traplonks,

and with good reason.

So far today, Peter has failed, Kirpal has failed,

Chantelle has failed, Cam has failed, and Ralf failed.

A pattern is emerging here.

Here's Mani... Oh, and he succeeds!

Oh... well, sort of.

He so nearly landed it as well.

Never mind, he's out of the water.

Mani now lives in Milton Keynes,

where they do that dance all the time, apparently.

Will it help him across the swinging letters, though?

He makes a run for it, oh!

And he's still on.

Go, go, go! No!

Mani sped past the H, but didn't account for conditions underfoot.

You've to actually stop on the finish podium for it to count,

so Mani's clock is still ticking.

But he makes it, and that was a run to remember.

This is for you, Chiquita.

What on earth was that?!

My idea of going cautious when I should...

Was all out of my head.

Well, after that startling performance,

the leaderboard looks like this.

Precision Ralf takes precisely first,

while sharky Chantelle claims second.

Tinku Mani's in third, and Camgaroo is in fourth.

Then finally we get to the Brits.

Ker-pow Kirpal's in joint fourth, and Peter of Hastings is sixth.

Well, I won't lie, things aren't looking good for the UK, but that could all change,

because I've had a tip-off that Team GB has a competitor they can pin their hopes on.

Apparently she's deadly with a pair of Union Jack hankies...

And she's a Morris dancer...

Sorry, I'll start again.

Now I've seen a lot of contestants in my time, but I've got a good feeling about this one.

So much so that I've had 5,000 of these exquisite keepsakes

made at great personal expense.

Something to look forward to.

In the meantime, who's next?

Sometimes, just sometimes on Total Wipeout, contestants can get a little bit over-excited,

but I'm sure that's not the case for our next contestant,

and that's Shelley from London, who's a part-time model/student.

Shelley, how are you doing?

Little bit ooh, little bit wey, in the middle there.

I just feel a bit like I just want to get on there, just want to do it.

She's full of beans.

And bog water. Witness the wetness.

Little bit ooh, little bit wey. In the middle.

I couldn't describe it better myself, to be honest, that's pretty much exactly what it was.

Shelley's approaching the Big Balls.

Uh-oh! Ooh! Close call!

Wet call!

Motivatorcam shows just how close Shelley was to getting punted from behind.

A fright like that will probably leave her a little Shelley-shocked.

Sorry! The final obstacle, then...

Oh! She's in...

Bedraggled and bewettened,

A Little Bit Shelley drags herself across the finish line.

-I just did it!

-You did!

# America! #

This is 31-year-old David.

You reckon you're a guy with a particularly gung-ho attitude, then?

Absolutely, I've been told many times that I lack a filter between my brain and my mouth.

# America! #

-So, if I think it, I usually say it.

-What are you thinking right now?

I'm just going to use all my weight, and my momentum going forward, to carry me through to the end.

In 1776, America won its independence.

Today, America's going to win again!

This is for everybody who plays American football!

Because you Brits don't know what real football is!

Oh, my God, like, gnarly?

David's skating on thin ice with that football jibe.

Well, it would have to be quite thick ice, actually, obviously.

He's in... Yes! Well, he floats, that's good.

David using all his momentum there - to stay in the water. No, he's up.

And on the pontoons, and running.

Is he wearing tights? Yeah, he is.

-Oh!

-Getting a bit of a rough ride on the Pontoons, but to be fair,

Team GB needs all the help it can get tonight!

Ha-ha!

OK, he's up again. Yankee-doodle David now, to the Traplonks.

David was born and raised in Tennessee, but now lives in Hampshire. Here we go.

-Agh!

-Now he's in the water.

David' no stranger to the rough and tumble of American football,

so he should take this in his stride.

Oh! I'd have thought he could take a punch?

# I'm the kid that eats the candy, yankee doodle dandy

# Now I've landed in the mud and boy I'm feeling angry... #

Now, here's a contestant, heading up today's Team GB.

It's the return of the one, the only, Olympic Les.

He's my hero, and I hope he's yours, too. It is Olympic Les.

-Hi, Les!

-Great to be back, Amanda.

You may remember Olympic Les from such programmes as Total Wipeout

Series 2, Episode 4, where he didn't win.

-Ah, happy memories.

-I only popped out for a paper!

Tell me how you feel about your team today.

They're as keen as mustard. If not, I'll make sure they are.

-I've got a wonderful team talk lined up for them.

-Give me your team prep.

You've come all the way out here today, we're relying on you.

You're running for your country,

what more do you want to motivate you? I'm relying on you.

Don't forget, losers don't get on in this world,

and we're not losers, we're British,

and we're going to win, and we're going to give it hell. Ready?

Wow! I feel well and truly pepped.

I just need something to do.

Come on, Les, do Britain proud.

Just look at that starting position.

He looks professional and everything. And he's off!

Oh, no, he's done it again.

But it takes more than that to keep Les down.

Top of the leaderboard at the moment is Precisional Ralf, with 1:53,

that's what Les should be aiming for.

It's a cautious start over the pontoons,

just getting into his stride, onto Traplonk One.

Here we go...

Yes, done! Traplonk Two now...

Yes, done! Oh, undone.

Quick sit down...

And a drop. Meant that.

On to the Big Balls now. He might be 55, but look at Les go.

There is steely determination in those eyes. Go!

Go! Oh! Unlucky bounce - backwards.

And he pushes on. He's not going to beat Ralf's time,

but this is looking good.

Slow start, but he's still on. The Letters seem to have slowed...

They've stopped, they've... Oh, and he opts for the swim. He chose that.

Olympic Les has done Britain proud.

That's the fastest home-grown time today.

Can I do it again, that was terrible?

No, it wasn't, it was quite good.

Right, back to David, and it's this kind of pace and energy

that makes American football so dynamic and exciting.

# What a drag it is, the shape I'm in... #

Watch out, David. You see?

That's motivation.

Does work.

Oh, my God.

His life jacket's eating him! Agh!

# All my life, watching America

# All my life, there's panic in America... #

Just one obstacle to go now, not that David can see it.

Where's his head gone? He's lost his head!

-There it is.

-Grown another?

Grew a fresh one, like lizards and tails. Come on, now, David.

He's like a coiled spring.

Go, David, go!

Yea... Oh. Ooh. Oh, dear.

# America! #

Er, it's gone again. Head's gone.

Yeah, completely gone.

With the clock still ticking,

a headless David inches towards the finish line.

Will the stairs be the final straw?

-No, Yankee Doodle David's slow but he finished.

-Am I done?

Yeah, well and truly done.

-That's really hard.

-Yeah, it is, supposed to be.

This is 26-year-old Northern Irish art teacher Kelly.

This is Turkish belly dancer Seyda.

And this is Polish combat instructor Anna.

What could possibly link these three ladies, Irish, Turkish and Polish?

Yes, they all have ish in their name.

-About ye?

-What's the craic?

Luck of the Irish be with you?

-You have to kiss that.

-What's that?

That's the luck of the Irish, the Blarney stone, so...

It's just something you found in your pocket!

-Diddle-ee-i-di-i, potato...

-Oh, no, don't go there!

Will that luck hold out on the Balls?

Oh, no!

In fact, that's quite unlucky. Oh!

Goes down like a sack of potatoes!

Got that shouldn't be laughing feeling but can't stop? You know the one!

I'm a Turkish woman, we are sexy,

and I'm going to show you what I can do!

Well, go on, then.

To be fair, pretty much everyone else has done that as well.

Ooh. She's an angry young lady.

Ooh, close shave!

Just skimmed the bottom there.

Kelly-Ish on the Letters now. Oh, spectacular, well done.

Very, very good. Yeah.

Ooh. Probably hurt, quite a lot.

Folded up! Seyda on the ladders now.

Oh, my lord, I've just seen some Turkish delight.

Yeah, that's an outfit made for dancing, not swimming.

OK, Seyda, on the Letters.

Ooh, bit of bother on the S.

Oh!

Anna-Ish now.

Crikey!

Proper old school wallop in the middle.

Are we feeling a little bit cheeky?

First to finish in the battle of Ish is Anna.

Followed by Kelly.

And bringing up the, er, rear is Seyda.

Upon the top, get up on the top.

I think the whole nation saw a sexy bit of Seyda.

After all that Ish, here's how the leaderboard looks.

Precision Ralf still in first, but Olympic Les is a new entry at three.

Pushing Tinku Mani into fourth.

Anna-Ish takes seventh, while A Little Bit Shelley in is ninth.

Propping up the table in last place is Yankee Doodle David.

It's a Total Wipeout first, a man in a kilt

. This could be interesting. I'm not sure.

Great Britain versus the rest of the world,

I'm going to do Scotland proud!

He means Team GB, obviously.

That's ill-advised in a kilt.

His name's Roy and he's from Scotland. Time for a Highland fling.

Right, on to the first Traplonk... Ooh, fling-flong - I think.

Yes, on to the second set. He's throwing himself into this.

Oh, got a bit of water under the kilt there.

Devil in a skirt versus Sucker Punch.

Ooh- ya, right in the sporran!

That's what they're for, I did wonder, the sporran thing.

Somebody saw that.

Big Balls ahoy. I don't mean, you know, the kilt...

I'll just keep quiet.

Ah, well, he had a brave heart.

As he reaches the fourth ball, which is so close...

So, Rob Roy just has the Swinging Letters to go.

And, oh, no. No...

And Rob Roy completes the qualifier in 1:56, a great run.

Are you slightly regretting wearing that large skirt?

-No chance, I done it for Scotland.

-You mean Team GB, Team GB?

Do you think you did well enough to get the UK team through?

-Of course, I done it for Scotland.

-Team GB, of course, Team GB.

Well, thank goodness for Rob Roy and Olympic Les, they've helped put some pride back into the Union Jack.

But now it's time for the Rest of the World captain to put some pride

back into the rest of the world flag, which doesn't exist.

But if it did, this man would be waving it. It's jiggety-biggety Ali.

I try to do, like, jiggety-biggety diggety boop.

But I don't like jiggety-biggety splash. That is...

fun, isn't it?

So, please be upstanding for Jiggety-Biggety Ali.

I don't have to stand, do I?

# Aldim, verdim, ben seni yendim

# Kelebegin kuyrugunu kesmeye geldim... #

He volunteers to do this.

Ali, you are the captain of the Rest of the World team today, how proud are you?

I'm very, very proud, and we're going to win.

I'm going to drive my team to the limit - shout at them, but fairly.

Tell me how you're going to shout at them, fairly.

Well, I'm going to tell them, come on, come on!

Do this, come, run, jump!

But don't get the hump. We're going to do it, we're going to do it.

Come on, come on, come on, everyone!

And then just jump, jump, jump.

OK. The Rest of the World captain sets off.

Oh, yes, and he is leading from the front.

Time to offer Ali some of his own advice now.

Come on, do that, do this, run, jump, but don't get the hump!

Does it help?

Yes, he jumped and didn't get the hump.

Second set now. Oh, masterful, this is a captain's run.

On to the Sucker Punch. Oh...

Looks in control...

Ali, avoiding those Sucker Punch fists.

Ooh, until then! Yeah, he got clothes-lined.

But now it's jiggety-biggety time, here we go.

-Red ball, red ball!

-Jiggety...

Biggety...

No dignity.

The Rest of the World captain approaches the Swinging Letters of SH.

Ooh, he runs, he jumps. Vicious, tries to leap again.

And no, no, it's another dip for Ali.

Bad luck.

And that puts him on top of the World slash leaderboard.

Time for a trade mark victory dance.

# Jolene... #

Yes, Dolly's big in Istanbul - and Ali's hometown of Haverhill.

So, Ali has put the Rest of the World in pole position,

which means it's time to bring out Team GB's secret weapon.

She's the great British hope - unleash the Jane!

I'm going to be the first person to wave my hankies

and shake my bells and Morris dance all round this course. Hoo!

And so the nation's hopes rest

on Morris dancing fanatic Jane from Shoreham-by-Sea.

Do it for Queen and country, Jane!

Oh, dear, pressure's got to her.

It looks like the great British hope needs some help

from an Argentinean lifeguard.

Eduardo, my hero!

It's not cheating, honest!

Come on, Jane, please!

-Here we go.

-Am I allowed to give you a kiss?

-What?

Leave him alone!

Come on, Jane, Morris dance your way across these balls.

Motivator strikes again!

Oh!

Yeah, maybe 5,000 T-shirts was a bit over-confident.

A bit of horizontal underwater Morris dancing there.

Tricky.

Seldom seen. A truly British performance - brave,

determined and ultimately slightly flawed, but at least she finished.

Jane, you got your Tarzan, in the form of lovely Eduardo.

He wouldn't give me a kiss, I said, "Please give me a kiss," he just walked away.

This is Kerri, from the Wirral.

She's very sleepy. She's very flexible.

And careless.

Are you here to prove to anybody else that you can do it today?

My boyfriend. He thinks I can't, he thinks I'm a wimp and I'll never do it.

Is he sporty?

Well, yeah, he plays football so he thinks he can do it and he's great.

-Is he like a proper player and stuff?

-Yeah, he is.

Plays for a proper team and stuff?

-Yes.

-Manchester United?

Yeah, I wish!

I wish, then I wouldn't have to go to work and I could go shopping all day.

It's cold!

Imagine how cold it will be when she's submerged in the stuff.

Here she goes. Kelly's fella actually

plays for Macclesfield, which I suppose makes her a Kind of WAG.

She's up and running on to the Traplonks now.

Here we go. Yes.

Ow! No, the Kind of WAG kind of missed the trapeze there

by kind of quite a long way.

Her boyfriend's good with balls - how will Kerri do?

Ooh.

I'd say that was some Macclesfield-level ball control right there.

She could see a house from up there.

All the people looked like ants and everything.

And Kind of WAG Kerri finishes in a kind of good 3:07.

No way!

Yes, way.

This is Sebastian, who lives in Manchester, he's got a beret and a stripy shirt.

I think I can see where this is going.

-Oh, no.

-What are you packing in your pantalons, Sebastian?

In zee pantalons, you don't want to know!

Inside Sebastian's pantalons tonight are a commemorative

Eiffel Tower nick-nack, a half-eaten croc monsieur, and...

-Papa.

-Nicole?

-Erm...

Amanda, it's all about the va-va-voom.

Whatever that is.

-Good luck.

-Merci!

Doing the frogleg hop... No, I'm not joining in, I'm not doing that.

-And there goes the beret.

-Va-va-voom!

-Yes!

Here comes his first opportunity to show us his va-va-voom.

Ooh! A little bit on the low side there.

Now he's going backwards.

And now he's wet.

Let's see how the French tackle Les Big Balls.

Not all of them, I'm not stereotyping, just one.

Non, non, non, non.

A-suave, a-sophisticated and a-sopping wet.

# They grow up in the most delightful way. #

Plus vite!

That's French for, and now the Swinging Letters have shut. Ooh-ooh!

Almost made it before getting hit right in the onions.

# Non, je ne regrette rien. #

Another great Rest of the World performance

from Va-Va-Voom Sebastian.

Va-va-voom!

17 runners down, just one to go, and it's the last of Team GB.

To be honest, it's not looking too good.

The leaderboard's dominated by the Rest of the World, and the last runner is a student called Scott.

So, probably lazy, almost certainly not even out of bed yet. May as well call it a day.

You can watch it if you want, I'm off to watch Countryfile.

Scott, is there any bar to how well you're going to do here today?

I don't think so. I'm pretty confident, I'm just going to bash it out, as fast as possible,

quick time, and just come home with the money.

How do you feel about the Rest of the World?

Not even worried, not even worried.

I didn't fly 7,000 miles from good old Blighty to come home empty-handed.

God save the Queen!

# England!

# This is a self-preservation society

# This is a self preservation society

# Gotta get a bloomin' move on. #

Yes!

Hey?

This is worth paying attention to!

Well, he's stormed the Traplonks,

and now he's trashing the Sucker Punch.

Oh, he's off, but that's not going to stop him.

Come on, Scott, I'm enjoying this!

Here we go. That's one, on to the second, onto the third...

Oh, great Scott!

This is an amazingly quick time.

Scott's in and out of that water like a bungee jumper.

Oh, Great Scott's lost a shoe.

So, great shoeless Scott plans his run.

Here we go, he's off. Ooh, ducks...

Onto to the H. That was not so great, Scott.

Nevertheless, this is the fastest run of the day.

I knew he could do it - all the time, I was confident.

I lost my shoe!

Great Scott leapfrogs Jiggety-Biggety Ali to take top spot.

Rob Roy isn't far behind in fourth.

While Va-Va-Voom Sebastian takes sixth.

Kind of WAG Kerri is safely in ninth.

Whilst Anna-Ish scrapes through to the next round, in 12th.

So, there you have it, the glorious 12 who now venture on, leaving the feeble behind.

But the feeble return home with joy in their hearts,

the joy of being part of this worldwide obstacle jamboree.

So, it's time for us all to use the international sign language

for goodbye and good luck to say a solemn farewell to them all.

# Happiness, happiness.

# The greatest gift that I possess

# I thank the Lord

# That I've been blessed

# With more than my share of happiness

# Happiness, happiness

# The greatest gift that I possess

# I thank the Lord that I've been blessed

# I got more than my share of happiness. #

It's like a United Nations summit.

Ah, more of a plateau and without the peace for humanity bit.

The contestants must negotiate that world famous spoon and cross the

international border to the middle, trying not to be extradited by that massive international dateline.

The first five across will claim world dominance and be through to the next round.

The others, however, will be looking for international rescue.

On podium one, it's Jiggety-Biggety Ali.

My time to go, yeah!

Yeah. On two, three and four, Tinku Mani,

Sharky Chantelle.

Watch out for a shark attack!

And Ker-pow Kirpal.

On five, six and seven, Kind Of Wag Kerri.

I'm the last girl left in Team GB, so this is for all the girls back home.

Va-Va-Voom Sebastian.

And Anna-Ish. On podiums eight and nine it's Precision Ralf.

I might be third in the qualifier, but on Crash Mountain I will climb higher. Come on!

And Olympic Les.

Still proud.

On ten it's Rob Roy.

Come on the Flying Scotsman, let's destroy these jokers!

And, finally, on podiums 11 and 12, Camgaroo and Great Scott.

Ali, I hope you like second place because you're going to be seeing a lot more of that.

Ali really not too fussed by that.

Do you know, I think we've got just too many contestants left on the show.

What's a girl to do?

It's Crash Mountain!

-Are you ready?

-Yeah!

Three, two, one!

And, so, International Crash Mountain begins.

Which nation will give us the first brave pioneer to step on to the rotating platform?

Nobody.

No, no one. Oh, wait, it's Turkey!

Jiggety-Biggety Ali is on the spoon.

Oh! But strangely dives off.

Sharkey Chantelle there. Oh, it's a fall for South Africa.

And France, And Germany.

Where's the Brits?

Ah, there's one.

Good old Ker-pow Kirpal.

He's up. He's down.

Oh, this is frantic!

Oh, he took that on the crown.

Anna takes a dive.

Olympic Les walking on air. Another try from France. Ouch!

Oh la la, Sebastian!

Mani. Oww!

Kind Of Wag Kerri is on the spoon.

WAGs on. WAGs off.

Rob Roy now runs. At least the skirt softened a fall.

Still no one across.

Chantelle. Can she make it? Oh!

No.

Anna-Ish lands ish.

Roy back again, looking good.

He's up and bolts it and it's a point to team GB.

But who will be joining him?

Well, Ralf's giving it to go, a promising start.

You can do it, Ralf.

Correction, he can't.

If this was pole vaulting he'd be doing really well, but it's not pole vaulting, it's Crash Mountain.

Great Scott, it's Great Scott!

He's very considered.

Taking his time.

Looking good.

-Looking great. He's on!

-Oh, UK two,

Rest Of The World nil.

Jiggety-Biggety Ali tries again.

Holds on this time. Clearly wants this position.

Just three spaces left.

And he's got one! The first Rest Of The World contestant is across.

Will Ralf be next?

So close!

Just jumped too early.

So, Ali, Roy and Scott are through,

which means battling for the final two spots

are Mani, Chantelle, Kirpal, Kerri,

Sebastian, Anna, Ralf, Les and Cam.

Here's Les, trying to lead by example.

And that was a bad example.

Those shorts are small!

Camgaroo leaps for it. Could this be a Rest Of The World Win?

She's up and going for it.

Oh! I take that back.

Hogan's Ghost! That didn't look pleasant.

Ralf yet again.

Clearly not going to rest until he's across.

And he is across.

Two from each team.

Kirpal's landed. Could this be a majority win for the Brits?

It is! We have the final five.

Oh, and it's UK 3 rest of the world dos.

Winners they may be, but let's tip our hats to those who have fallen by the wayside.

Well, you know, not enough Va-Va-Voom, obviously,

but what can I say?

You know, the Va-Va-Voom is still floating there somewhere.

Yeah, I wasn't expecting it at all.

It was a hard hit. I did a couple of somersaults, but I'll stay strong.

I'm not upholding my Wag status because my hair's a mess, my nails are chipped and broken.

Oh, well, at least we got three through.

UK team surprised me.

They beat us up, I have to admit.

Defeated again!

The spirit of the Tinku warrior was in me, but I did a small one

and I think that was it. I messed up.

I let the spirits down.

I tried and tried again. And, yeah.

I don't know.

I think I just got unlucky.

I'm sorry, I let them down. But I'm basically an old man, really.

This is a young man's sport and I'm just looking forward to getting my bus pass now.

Ah ha! The international language of dizzy is 40 seconds spent strapped into that thing.

A wobble through the rotating door, doing your best to avoid a dousing,

and on to the Tippy Table Maze.

Last one across is out of the competition.

Then the remaining four contestants do it all again.

Spin, hose, door, but this time across the barrel run.

Again, last one across is eliminated and, hey presto, the three finalists! Encore? Bravo!

Centrifugal force, now there's a word that's not used often enough,

especially in the same sentence as contestants and vomit.

It's time for Dizzy Dummies. Are you all ready?

Yes!

Three, two, one!

Whilst this lot are spinning, I'm thinking you're wanting to knowing who they are-ing.

Well, there's Ker-pow Kirpal,

the ninja dentist in need of some dentures.

He saved Team GB's blushes in The Qualifier, it's Great Scott.

God save the Queen!

There's Precision Ralf, the Bogling German towel lord.

He's done the Highland fling and we've seen up his skirt, it's Rob Roy.

Finally, the Rest Of The World's captain.

-He can jig, he's big, it's Jiggety-Biggety Ali.

-Come on!

And that's the noise they've all been waiting for.

Ralf is up and running.

He's straight through.

Ali's through, too, but Ralf is storming on.

The Tippy Table Maze isn't really much of a maze.

That said, I'd probably still get lost and have to phone my wife

to get me out of there. But Ralf still leading right now.

Roy making sure everyone is safely on.

Oh, double trouble!

Ralf and Scott hung on though.

And Ralf is through. As is Scott.

-Textbook cheeky bottom slap there.

-We've got one of each!

The crowd can barely contain their excitement.

Two places left in the next round.

Rob Roy and Jiggety-Biggety Ali are on the Tippy Table Maze part one.

And Ali's gone.

I don't think he's made it past that first partition thing.

As Ali climbs out of the pond, Kirpal sees his chance

and he grabs it, though gingerly.

Oh, Britain is not proud of that, but they could be of Roy.

He's got the second table all to himself.

I do you hope Roy gets flipped.

I really want to see what's under his kilt.

No! Roy is showing no signs of falling off this time,

he just needs to edge round the thing and watch out for the tip.

The tip, Roy! Watch out for the tip!

# Donald, where's your troosers? #

That's what's under there, a big white question mark.

Ali way in the lead now, inching his way along table number two.

What's this? Rob Roy has stolen a march on Kirpal by nipping along the side.

Ali tips, and again! This is desperate now.

Kirpal still has some way to go to get anywhere.

Ali and Roy, having a conflab. Oh!

Ali makes his move, closely followed by Roy on to the second Tippy Table.

Remember, last one across here will be eliminated. Roy's slipping.

Ali's going for it, and the terrific Turk has defeated the Maze.

It's a battle to the death now between Roy and Kirpal.

It tips, Kirpal's in!

That means an open goal for Roy if he can only hang on.

And he's done it! Safely through to the next round.

Hallelujah!

Not for Kirpal, who's eliminated.

That was an unbelievable fight at the end.

I tried my best.

Hat off for the rest of the competitors. They did well.

Whoever wins it, they deserve it.

# Mad world. #

It's almost relaxing, isn't it?

Relaxing, but in a terrifying way.

The competitors are released and the Argentinean squirty man gets to work.

He's already knocked Ralf off his feet.

But Ali not so easily distracted.

He's up and through the door.

He's enjoying himself today. Roy's approaching the door now.

Meanwhile, Ralf prepares for the Barrel Run.

-Vorsprung Durch Ralf Technik.

-Stop it!

Both Rest of the World competitors are on to the barrels now.

And to make things easier they're not getting pelted with dodgeballs.

Oh no. They are. And those barrels have been thoroughly greased.

Ralf takes the lead.

But he's struggling to get a grip now.

Keep hold of it. Probably because of the grease and dodgeballs.

Now Ali pulls level with Roy.

Look at that! Scott gets one right in the helmet.

Ouch.

Ali slips. Clearly not a big fan of grease.

Scott's in, too.

OK, so Ralf's back in the lead.

He jumps. Another slip.

The precise German's precisely hit the water.

Rob Roy striding over the barrels now, but behind him it's a charge from Scott.

He's going to make it.

He didn't make it!

Oh, no!

Someone's got a bit carried away with the slippery stuff out there today. It's looking impossible.

Ali.

# Ali, Ali! #

Still on. He's making a bid for glory.

Oh! So close!

Ali just fell short of the very final barrel.

Back to the start for him.

Ralf and Roy on now. Ralf and Roy both off now.

I think Roy's enthusiasm flustered Ralf so much he just fell off his barrel.

But Ali wants another go.

There's determination in those eyes.

Look at Roy. He's making this look easy.

Oh! And he's across and into the final.

They'll never take our freedom!

They'll never take our soggy kilts, either.

Probably wouldn't want them.

So, just two spots remain.

One of Ali, Ralf and Scott will be eliminated.

Ali's the first to move.

And, yes, the Turk triumphs.

And look. From nowhere, Scott romps home, too.

And there's the klaxon, which means it's all over.

Too little too late for precision Ralf. He's out.

Ich bin gutted for you.

-And I know by your face you're gutted for yourself.

-Yes.

So, German-born Ralf has been eliminated at the semi-final stage,

meaning that it's that time in the show where we hand over to the finalists.

Rob Roy, Great Scott and Jiggety-Biggety Ali.

I think if there's any tournament worth winning,

Total Wipeout's the one.

I do love Total Wipeout.

Now, on my town it was Bizarre Man.

Now I'm Jiggety-Big Ali.

It's right up my street. I love taking part in

adventurous activities and this is just like one big playground.

I'm very proud to be representing Great Britain.

We've got the Queen, royal family...

God Save the Queen!

..The best football in the world. We don't dive around.

I want to win very badly.

Not only money-wise, I would like to say I can do it and I done it.

Overall, we're part of Team GB.

But I would love to win just to show that Scotland

as a small nation can do well, versus the rest of the world.

Roy, he's a fighter. He never give up. And he's proud to be Scottish.

He's quite dangerous. He's a bit of a power house with his big muscles.

I'm not sure how fast he is. I think I might be able to beat him.

Scott is the type of competitor that it'll be difficult to go against.

He's young and he don't have fear.

He's really quick on his feet and he's got that advantage over me.

Ali, at first, I wasn't too worried about him.

He's a big guy. Similar build and stature to myself.

I'm 40-years-old, but I'm still strong.

But I think age will prevail here.

Tonight is going to be just jiggety-biggety.

No boom boom. Going to fly for it.

Being the champion tonight, it would mean the world to me.

So I'll give it my all and hopefully I'll get there.

As a little boy, I would have loved to have competed in the 2012 Olympics.

But having the chance to compete for Great Britain at probably

the next best event in the world is just as good.

I tell you, the entire world will be watching this right now.

60 million Brits will be cheering on Rob Roy and Great Scott,

whilst Jiggety-Biggety Ali will have the support of the other

6,835,596,102 viewers.

It's survival of the fittest here tonight.

We've got a fit Turk, we've got a fit Scot and we've got a fit man...

called Scott.

It's the Wipeout Zone and Ali is the first to brave it.

Rest of the World team captain Ali has made it this far.

Now he's aiming to go jiggety-biggety to win.

Captain Ali. Team, that's for you.

And so the international Wipeout Zone begins.

Another jiggety-biggety splash for Ali and off he swims.

As always, the ten-second tidal wave countdown will begin

when Ali gets on to the slope of the first obstacle, the Rapid Climb.

He's made his swim. He's on.

The clock starts ticking.

But Ali's making confident strides up the climb,

looking very sure-footed. And he's beaten the Tidal Wave.

Onto the international Seesaw of Truth. It's the same as the normal one, really. Solid balance.

There's the tip. And Ali's made it.

Slightly unnecessary jump from Ali there.

Nevertheless, he's on to the Crazy Sweeper now.

He's got a strategic ducking. Not often seen.

Cautious. Little bit time-consuming.

Now Ali's up and going for it across the Podiums. Looking good.

-Ooh! Another Hollywood jump!

-Yes!

Ali's certainly putting on a show for us tonight.

Rope Swing now. The weight of the world on his shoulders.

Literally.

And that's a near-perfect landing.

Ali gets his composer for one final leap.

He's done it. He's completed the Wipeout Zone

in a massively impressive one minute 25.

-Jiggety-biggety brilliant.

-Thank you very much.

I am Ali Jiggety-Big! Come on!

Well I'll tell you, Jiggety-Big, you've done that in a brilliant one minute and 25 seconds.

Oh, my God! I done it.

At least we know you're happy. But it's not over yet because Roy is up next.

-Roy, good luck to you.

-Oh, hello.

All right. Let's watch.

Doing it for Team GB, it's Rob Roy.

Come on, Scotland.

And Team GB, remember, yeah?

Team GB.

Altogether.

Well, Jiggety-Biggety Ali's error-free run has set a tough benchmark for the Brits.

So it's time for some bulldog spirit.

Roy hauls himself up on to the Rapid Climb.

And the countdown begins.

And Roy's storming up that slope.

Must be a bit easier with a wetsuit instead of a kilt.

Tidal Wave duly beaten. Seesaw of Truth.

Bit of a wobble, but he's fine.

This is quick.

Roy could make up some time on the Crazy Sweeper here.

Ali was a tad cautious, but Roy is really going for it.

Over the Podiums. Risky, but he's safe.

He's close, but Roy needs a solid finish now.

Good swing. Slightly overshoots the turntable but he's up and...

Incredible!

Rob Roy finishes in one minute six. A new Wipeout Zone record.

-Did you enjoy that?

-I loved every second of it.

I don't want to scare you, but Ali was fantastic tonight.

Scotland particularly known for its sporting prowess.

Because you were faster than Ali.

-Well done, Roy.

-I am really happy for you.

Roy, you know what this means.

One step away from becoming the Total Wipeout champion.

I would love to. My friends, my family and for Scotland.

Fingers crossed for Scotland, but Scott is up next.

So it's now a Scot versus Great Scott.

Britain, this one's for you.

Britain's won the show, but who will win the dough?

This international Wipeout Zone has just become a home nations affair.

England versus Scotland.

But the Englishman is called Scott.

It's confusing. Yeah...

Beam him up, Scotty.

Scott attempting now to beat the countdown.

Looking good. Beats it comfortably.

To beat Rob's blistering time,

Scott really needs to be error-free and super-quick on his run.

Not that he knows how well Rob did, remember. Oh!

OK, Crazy Sweeper time. This is key.

Scott can't hang around if he's to beat Roy.

But he's ducking and ducking for a second time now.

He's up. A dash across the Podiums.

Scott's done it, but it's tight.

Seconds slipping away.

Good swing.

He's got himself tangled up in the rope and he's lost it.

It's a superb time of one minute 17,

but it's not enough to beat Roy's record-breaking effort.

How are you feeling after that?

I'm good. It was over so quickly.

Listen, I'm going to put you both out of your misery.

Either way, the UK has won here tonight.

But it is between the two Scotts.

The Scotsman and Scott.

With the fastest time ever on the Wipeout Zone,

the Scot that has won...

..is Roy.

Congratulations, my man.

Hard luck, Scott.

Congratulations to the winner of International Total Wipeout,

28-year-old Roy Davidson from Glasgow.

And thanks to Roy's outstanding performance,

the winning team is Team GB.

But it doesn't end there because Scott, Roy and Ali,

along with the other Wipeout Zone finalists from this series, get to do battle once more.

It's coming.

It's nearly here.

It's just around the corner.

DRUM BANGS

Would somebody please get that door?

No?

I ordered a meat feast! Where was I?

Oh yes. The Wipeout Zone finalists do battle once more to discover the ultimate champion. It's the final.

It's going to be a biggie.

But for now, from Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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