Episode 7 Total Wipeout

10 years ago, Eduardo sold his last cow

to fat cat Carlos for some magic beans.

But the joke was on him, because Eduardo planted those beans,

and look what he got.

Today, 20 Brits, including a fire-fighter,

a nanny and a whole family,

have taken leave of Great Britain, and their senses,

to tackle the Total Wipeout course.

19 of them will wither and droop.

But one will blossom victoriously and walk away with £10,000.

Let the games begin.

Welcome to an extraordinary edition of Total Wipeout.

We've dispensed with frippery and nonsense this week

to tackle a genuine issue which affects the whole nation.

Who's better at Total Wipeout?

The North - which is here - or the south - which is here?

Now, as I was born in Solihull, which is here,

I am perfectly placed to act as an impartial judge in what

is likely to be to be a vicious and sustained campaign of hate.

Or, to put it another way, I'll be equally loathed by both sides.

Right, on with the battle, let's see what they're up against.

The Qualifier, the mother of all challenges.

Crash Mountain, the daddy of all challenges.

Dizzy Dummies, the godfather of all challenges.

And finally, the Wipeout Zone,

the great auntie that's also a cage fighter of all challenges.

This promises to be the grudgiest of all grudge matches, but I pledge to

be unbiased and impartial at all times.

Aye up t'North, thump 'em.

Get the bally blighters, hurray.

Now, Amanda's at the top of The Qualifier with today's first contestant.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No, it's 51 year-old retired Navy engineer, Dave.

I'm the Yorkshire Action Man. Aaah!

What was that?

David, you're a Barnsley man.

I'm assuming you're going to be up for the northerners today.

I've got a good pair of stout legs.

Unfortunately, after the first qualifier,

there's only going to be two southerners left,

because six of them, or perhaps eight of them, are going out.

Hopefully his run on the qualifier is better than his maths.

It's eight, by the way, Dave. Dave?

-There you go.

-Come on, my little Yorkshire pudding.

Nice, speedy start. Not sure if he meant it to be that speedy, though.

But he is straight up onto the pontoons

and about to face the first obstacle.

It's the return of a favourite of mine - Dodgeball.

Sprint across the floating pontoons avoiding an onslaught

of tiny red balls, of which there appears to be an unlimited supply.

What?

Anyway, all those years of Navy training coming into effect

and Dave's living up to his title of the Action Man.

Well, the Yorkshire Action Man.

He could only be from Yorkshire with that look.

That's it, David.

But how will this tough-guy fare against the brutal barrage of

fist and foam affectionately know as the Sucker Punch?

I don't know who's affectionate towards it.

Oh, dear, Dave's first trip up, and he's not actually on the wall yet.

OK, he's on, here he goes.

Dave ducked and dived the Dodgeballs with ease,

so this should be... Oh, that's a shame.

Northerners might be hard as nails, but the Sucker Punch is harder,

so it's like nails made of diamond, or something.

Next for Action Man Dave it's Buenos Aires's most treasured landmark.

No, not that one. No, not that one.

No, no, no, hang on, that's a dog.

And that's an old woman. Just stop it, will you?

OK, Buenos Aires's most treasured big red ball-shaped landmark.

There we go.

And like all the great landmarks, it takes your breath away.

Dave, wasting no time up that ramp,

look at his little Yorkshire legs go,

straight on to the first ball...Oh!

Very north, and then very, very south.

# In the Navy, na, na, na... #

The voice of an angel. There's a second career for her, right there.

Thankfully, his sea legs and sea arms will get him to the final part of The Qualifier.

It's the swinging letters of Sh.

Two, giant, mechanical, foam letters swinging side to side.

Right then, come on, Dave, here we go.

So close! Actually, it wasn't really that close, was it?

He just fell off straight away.

Action Man Dave has done the North proud

with a time of two minutes and 15 seconds. By gum.

-Hurrah!

-How are you feeling?

Lovely. Come on the northerners!

Doing it for the South is 23 year-old George.

He's flown with the RAF.

Requesting clearance for take-off!

Yeah, he's differently a southerner.

George is so dreamy.

-Did she just say that out loud?

-Yeah.

So, Jetset George is off.

Chocks away, tally ho and giddy up.

That's not right, is it?

An evasive manoeuvre around the blocks, but soon

realises there's just a lot of water on the other side. That didn't work.

Jetset George attempts a fly-by now at a the Big Red Balls.

Over. Or rather, not over, over.

On to the swinging letters of Sh.

The south of Britain depending on you here, George.

No pressure or anything. He won't mind, here we go.

Oh, abort! Abort!

I think he hit turbulence at the far end of the 'S' and had to bail out.

Jetset George cruises home with a time of one minute 56 seconds,

edging the southerners into an early lead.

My word, that was a lot harder than anticipated. Blimey.

I didn't think people said that any more.

So, a strong start from the southerners.

-This North versus South thing is pretty exciting. Was it my idea?

-No!

Good, well done me.

So, continuing my brilliant theme, our next contestant in

the North versus South Total Wipeout special is from the Midlands. Um...

I'll just... both.

Go Midlands!

33 year-old Brummie, Imty,

is a security guard and a self-titled bad boy.

Are you a little bit of a bad boy, then, is that how people know you?

I'm very bad, I'm bad at maths, English, geography, history,

you name it, I'm pretty bad at it.

For all the boys in Birmingham, this is how not to do it!

Yes, that's... Hang on, how NOT to do it? OK.

Yeah, you're right, that's how not to do it.

Caught by surprise, but he's up on to the pontoons.

Is that the best you've got?

I really wouldn't taunt Los Tossers de Ballas

Don't, they're nasty. You see, that's what happens.

Oh, no, he fell in the mud before even facing a fist.

I'm not sure if that was cowardice or genius. A bit of a wallow.

Technically, Imty, that's not an obstacle.

You didn't have to tell him.

On to the Balls now, and the funny guy is raising up the ramp... ish.

Here we go.

Go!

No!

And that, my friends, was funny.

I think he sort of came unbolted then.

Right, last chance to redeem yourself, Imty.

You could be the first person to get across the swinging letters...

Oh, no, maybe not, actually.

Barely able to raise an arm let alone a smile,

Imty finishes in three minutes 39.

So, anything funny to say, Imty?

Comment?

No, didn't think so.

Next to run are two fiery ladies. To the untrained eye they appear to

be similar contestants, but to a man who's got their jobs written down on a piece of paper in front of him...

There's one big difference. 32 year-old Dawn is a fire-fighter...

I may be a fire-fighter, but I'm going to burn this course up!

Whilst 28 year-old circus performer, Emma, is a fire starter.

This ain't no match for me, cos I can breathe fire!

But who's hottest on the Qualifier?

Fire-fighter Dawn is first to go.

Opting for the seated, slide approach, very graceful.

OK, why climb over when you can dismantle the course?

Well, because that's cheating, that's why.

That'll teach you.

Used to sliding down poles,

and apparently adept at sliding off them, too.

So, will fire starter Emma have more luck?

She also adopts the seated descent.

This is the ancient eight-year-old on a rollercoaster technique.

It works!

Here we go. Oooh! Right in the face.

Emma, this is called Dodgeball, which means you have to...

Oh, never mind.

She's still on, though.

Oh, no! No, I spoke too soon.

It's not that way, Emma. To the left.

No, the other left.

Well, let's come back to Emma's aquatic antics.

Dawn on the big red balls now.

Will her fire fighting heroics be of any use here?

No, none whatsoever.

They're not going to let you live this one down at the station.

You can be sure of that.

Mind you, that's a lovely arm print. Nice work.

Can the fire starter set these big red balls aflame?

SHE SHOUTS

No, that's just a noise, Here we go.

One, two, three... No.

Well, that's the furthest anyone has got on the balls so far today,

not that you should be too proud, Emma.

It just means everybody else has been a bit rubbish.

So Emma's last chance to earn a scorching time now.

Here we go. Ooh, ooh!

Trying to hurdle the S and ended up being well and truly extinguished.

Emma finishes in three minutes 51.

And it's fire-fighter Dawn that wins this smoking battle,

coming in 30 seconds faster, in three minutes 21.

You have every right to "whoo".

Five contestants down, 15 to go,

and next to represent the South, it's 42-year-old accountant Yinka.

Yinka, you look extraordinarily pleased to be here,

but aren't you a little bit tentative about taking on this massive qualifier?

Yinka? Yinka!

Uh, not at all. Like I say, the sun's always shining, so happy days.

Bring it on!

Does anyone else have a bad feeling about this?

He's just set himself up. Oh, dear.

# Sunday, Monday, happy days... #

He's the happiest man on the planet.

The dodgeballers will soon put paid to that.

Or not, actually. This is great!

This accountant doesn't so things by halves.

And he's made it.

How happy? Very happy.

Maybe the Sucker Punch will turn that smile upside down.

Oh, no! He's Yinka stinker.

If tickled pinka Yinka can make it over the balls,

I think he'll just burst with joy. Yes! Oh!

# Put on a happy, happy, happy face... #

He may not have stayed on much so far,

but Yinka's on for a very good time if he can only beat the Sh.

Oh.

Ooh! That's got to hurt.

That will have done. Still, no-one's made it pass the S today.

Tickled pinka Yinka completes the qualifier.

Speedy.

Happy days!

I thought that would cheer you up.

So, with six runners having tackled the qualifier so far,

it's the Southerners who have taken the early lead.

Jetset George and tickled pinka Yinka sharing the top spot

with Action Man Dave representing the North in third.

Fire-fighter Dawn is in fourth, whilst bad boy Imty and fire starter

Emma are lingering in fifth and sixth.

So far, the story of the qualifier has been a tale of peril, of menace,

and of being knocked off things and falling into water.

But fear not, for the next contestant

is hoping to turn this evil tale of woe into a fairytale.

Meet 35-year-old Gretel from Derbyshire.

What is it you do for a living?

I'm a mid-day supervisor in a local school!

-What is that?

-It's a dinner lady!

Arrrgh! This is Gretel! This is for all the dinner ladies,

mid-day supervisors and kitchen staff in the Derbyshire area!

Yeah, we need to start putting time limit on the shout outs.

Here we go.

So, Gretel's quest beings, and the first foe she must face is...

Well, getting up onto the pontoon.

It'd be nice if they could hold off on the dodgeballs just for a moment.

Oh, they won't. But it would be nice.

I think Gretel's going to need some help here.

Oh, dear. Not a fairytale start.

But as they say, the road to true wipeout never did run smooth.

When I say they, I meant me, just then.

Ouch! Ooh, Los Tossers de Balles on target today.

That pink hair is like a red rag to a bull.

Steady.... steady. Ooh!

No, she's in again.

Getting in the water is easy. See?

It's the getting out that's proving a bit time consuming.

OK, let's re-join Gretel's fairytale a little bit later.

I'm joined now at the top of the qualifier by Mikey from Liverpool,

who says, and I quote, "Northerners are the cream of the entire world".

Mikey, that's a pretty big boast.

-Talk to me.

-It's basically just the absolute truth, isn't it?

We are the cream of the genetic pool.

We're the most intelligent, we're the most attractive,

we're the most fun, the most friendly.

Yeah, OK, we get the idea. You like Northerners.

Nice "poo" headband, by the way.

Looks good. Modest Mikey now on the big balls.

Here we go. Yes, yes, yes! Ooh!

All the way to the fourth ball.

It started off so good and then it went bad and ended just plain ugly.

Mike is a doctor by trade. Do you trade as a doctor?

I don't know, but he should have a calm and precise approach.

No, he just ran blindly and hoped for the best, didn't he?

And then fell in. Another victim of the S.

That giant letter H is maybe starting to feel a bit left out.

Modest Mikey completes the course in an amazing one minute 39,

which currently makes him the cream of the leader board.

Back to Gretel ever after, and she completes the course in...

Oh, no, hang on. That's not the end of the course is it? No.

Keep going, Gretel.

Oh, she's in the mud.

Just like the story of the dinner lady,

the mechanical fist and the swamp.

You know what, this fairytale analogy thing

really isn't going well, is it? I'll stop. Oh, look, it's a frog!

This really is a fairytale!

Well, this is perfect.

Gretel can kiss the frog, it can turn into Prince Eduardo,

and he'll carry her across the rest of the qualifier

and into first place.

Just need to kiss the frog, Gretel.

Awkward. She's obviously not his type.

Oh.

Here we go. The big balls.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, that was close!

Milliseconds from being motivated.

This is a first on Total Wipeout. I don't think I've ever seen

someone struggle to fall off the big red ball. This is plain weird.

Just... There, it's easy. See?

Gretel ever after eventually finishes the course

in nine minutes and ten seconds.

SHE SCREAMS

It was only happy ever after, but she seems happy

so let's not tell her just yet.

I've done it. Thank you!

Thank you!

So far today, that's five contestants from the North

and three chaps from the South. Crikey.

Next to run is someone who claims she's from Louisa Land, which is...

She's made that up, hasn't she?

It's all starting to make sense now.

Louisa Land is really fun and exciting and it's full of glitter.

I just spread the love and happiness and just have lots and lots of fun.

-I'm so excited!

-Good luck out there today.

Thank you!

Right. Well, it's time for Louisa to visit Total Wipeout Land.

Come on, Louisa!

Oops. Ouch, that's got to hurt.

Oh, what an adventure. Yeah.

Ow! In the face.

Here we go. Yes. No, no, no.

It would be fair to say Louisa from Louisa Land

has probably not enjoyed her holiday in Total Wipeout Land.

People that say, "Oh, it's easy," come do it.

Seriously, not easy as it looks.

Hoping for a slightly less painful qualifier

is 19-year-old tour guide Joe.

-What is it you do, Joe?

-I'm a jumper outer.

-What?

-A jumper outer.

I work on the ghost tours in Edinburgh.

It's my job to wait for tourists and then I jump out and scare them.

-Show me what you got then.

-Well, I'll just...

OK. Here he goes. So, he's going to jump out.

BOTH YELP

Aah!

Aah!

Is it the jumping out that scares the tourists or that hair?

Whatever. Jumper outer Joe on the Sucker Punch now.

Here we go. Oh, surprise!

Why's Amanda looking so chuffed?

Oh, I see, millimetres away from having his voice an octave higher.

That punch in the face doesn't seem so bad now.

Can he adapt his jumping out to jumping over? Let's find out.

Here we go.

Yes, ooh! Ah!

Well, an amazing first jump.

The second jump needed to be slightly to the right

and slightly, well, better.

These swinging letters have caused chaos for the competitors so far.

Will Joe have any more luck?

Ooh!

OK, he failed, but he failed magnificently.

Jumper outer Joe finishes in just over two minutes

and even the qualifier can't straighten those curls.

ARGH!

Arh!

So far, the contestants' success rate on the Dodgeball has been

as hit and miss as, well, the game of Dodgeball.

In fact, you could say it's been mission impossi-ball.

WIND WHISTLES

Anyway, here's a list of easy-to- follow rules that will help you

even the most timid of competitors become artful dodgers...of balls.

I mean, how hard can it be? Really, it's just a... Ow.

So, here are the do's and don't-do's of Dodgeball.

Do dodge.

Don't not dodge.

Do duck.

Don't duck this far.

Do dive.

Don't annoy los tossers.

Can 33-year-old Kim from Scotland make it across unscathed?

What's she doing?

I'm Scottish Kim! And I'm a wee bit dim!

Dim Kim's off.

There's a chest hit.

She should have dodged there.

Oh, demonstrates the dive. Good work.

Well, a trip, but she hasn't fallen in the water, so that's... Oh, no.

No, she's fallen in the water.

So that's not Dodgeball.

No. Can accountant Kristy from Chesterfield

improve on Kim's performance?

This is good Dodgeballing.

So far, no major hits.

Oh, no, spoke a bit too soon.

Yeah, a knee and back-of-the-head combo knocks Kristy off her perch.

The marksmen show no mercy to a damsel in distress,

or a damsel in de water.

That's not Dodgeball. Let's try this one more time.

Has cocktail waitress Libby learned from their mistakes?

Oh, that's a new one.

She casually bats the ball away with her hand.

Impressive start from Libby. Being a waitress she'll have good balance.

And she's made it.

Now that's Dodgeball.

So let's see how that effects the leaderboard.

Modest Mikey modestly storms into the top spot.

Jumper Outer Joe jumps into fourth,

whilst Kristy from Accounts lands in sixth.

Louisa from Louisaland in seventh,

Dim Kim is in ninth, with Leggy Libby joint tenth.

But poor old Gretel Ever After won't get her ending

as she slips to 13th.

Total Wipeout has long been considered good clean fun for all the family.

So, with that in mind, I'm proud to introduce you to Total Wipeout's first ever family.

The Morrisey-se-seys...

The Morrison.... The Morrises-es.

The Morris-ai. The Morris family from down south in Essex.

I've ruined that.

This is Alison Morris, this is Cliff Morris, and this...

is Morris Minor!

-Hi, guys!

-All right, yeah. How are you doing?

Good. So, which one is the daddy?

-Me.

-He thinks he's the daddy. I'm the daddy.

Now, Jack, your mum clearly thinks that he can beat your dad.

How do you feel about that?

-First, second, third.

-So that's how you're going to rank it?

-Yeah.

As long as I beat him. That's the main thing.

First to go is son Jack.

Mum and Dad, watch my rear!

Aw, Mummy and Daddy will be so proud.

Here we go. Ooh, he's caught one of the balls.

I'll bet you're pleased Mum and Dad paid for those

after-school Dodgeball lessons now.

That's a super-confident, even cocky, start.

Oh no, no, he's in. He may just live to regret enraging los tossers.

Yeah, definitely regretting it now. Ouch!

Daddy Morris next.

Alice and Jack, who's the daddy?

I'm the daddy. Let's have it!

Yeah, says so on your passport.

And so the Dodgeballers let Daddy Morris have it.

-Oh, and watch out fellas, he knows your dads.

-Oi!

"Oi!" That won't help.

Ooh, ooh, yes, the old jump-hug-and-roll technique.

Quite simple. Jump and hug, nice work, and then you roll.

If he wins, he'll be Cliff Richer.

I didn't get it. His name's Morris.

Last but not least, it's Mummy Morris, Alison.

Cliff! You think you're the daddy.

You're nothing, because I'm the mummy!

Oh, sweet. I'm really feeling the family love today. It's nice...warm.

Mum seems completely oblivious to the melee of Dodgeballs

flying in her direction.

The Morris men couldn't make it through Dodgeball

without getting a dunking, but remember, Mummy knows best.

Well, on most things. Just not Dodgeball.

-Back with son Jack on the Big Red Balls.

-He's jack of all trades.

-And off.

-A master of none of the Big Red Balls.

Will Daddy Morris's years of experience

-give him the upper hand on the Balls?

-I've got a system for this.

A system? Oh, good, I like a good system.

Yeah. Here we go. What is it?

Yes, that's my favourite system, flailing and falling.

# Behave yourself, Grandad, or you won't be going down to Margate

# Don't forget your bucket and spade... #

I'm joining in. Mummy Morris is the last to give it a go.

Oh, dear. That is pride taking a bit of a knock.

Can Jack finish in style?

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

-Hang on!

-Could he be the first to defeat the Swinging Letters?

No, no. He hijacked....

jack-knifed... I'll get it in a second.

Jack. Jack. There must be a...

He just jacked that in.

Oh, curse you, Byram! I wonder if Mum or Dad can do any better. No.

That will be a no, then.

Mummy Morris finishes in 7.19, Daddy Morris in just over four minutes.

That was easy!

And Morris Minor Jack finishes in a speedy 2.15.

Me contact lens have come out. I can't see!

The steps are to your right, there.

No, they're to your right. Oh, I meant my right.

The fastest was...

Jack.

And the slowest was...

it was your mum! Oh!

A sensitive family moment on Total Wipeout.

Next to tackle the Qualifier is The Don.

People call him The Don because his name is Don.

My magic mantra is "wibbly wobbly".

Oh, yeah, and he's a magician. That's what he's doing now.

For my next trick, I'm going to make this course disappear!

Great!

WIND WHISTLES

-WHISPERING:

-Don. Don, it's still there.

Do your magic words, mate. Try it.

'Wibbly wobbly.'

Hmm. This is...um...

embarrassing. It doesn't work.

So can Don work his magic on the Qualifier?

See, he made that block disappear.

Oh, yes. Be amazed.

# It's a kind of magic... #

Don's looking exhausted. Has he got anything left up his wizard sleeve?

And to describe that fall, it was a little bit of wibble,

quite a lot of wobble, and a lot of splash.

Don The Don finishes in 5.35.

Hello. How you feeling?

Wibbly wobbly.

Next to try her luck on the Qualifier is Nanny Tamara.

She's from Northampton which, despite the "North" in the name, is in the South.

-I don't know what she's doing now.

-Pfft!

-Oh, there you go.

Get dodging, Tamara. Yes!

Ooh, they got her, but even with a direct hit,

Tamara manages to keep her balance.

We've got a real Nanny McFit in our midst.

Stop bullying me!

Unless you know what "stop bullying me" is in Spanish,

your pleas are a bit wasted.

Now, the Big Red Balls. Nobody's crossed them so far today.

Will Nanny McFit be the first?

Ooh, that was a good start. Onto the second, now the third ball.

This is looking very promising.

I'm getting quite excited

about this thing. On to the fourth. Can she do the last jump?

One more leap.

Come on, Tamara! Yes!

Nanny McFit Tamara has made it across the Big Red Balls.

This is supercalifrag... Supercalifragi... This is great!

Gracefully stumbling from ball to ball like a drunken ballerina.

A moment to be truly proud of.

Maybe not proud. Pleased by, chuffed. Yes!

Now, can she be the first to get across the Swinging Letters too?

Oh, no.

But that amazing ball crossing has given Nanny McFit a time

which puts her second on the leaderboard.

We've killed the nanny.

-OK.

-I conquered the Big Red Balls.

This is amazing. So glorious.

Now, they do say that good things come in small packages.

Apart from fridges, they come in really big packages.

So do ghetto blasters, massive diamonds, full-sized robots,

so apart from fridges, ghetto blasters, massive diamonds

and full-sized robots, good things come in small packages like the next two competitors.

Andy from Lancashire is only 5ft 2.

Shorter than me.

Kady from Surrey measures 4ft 10, also shorter than me.

But who will walk tall from the Qualifier?

The Nifty Northerner or the Slight Southerner?

The Southerners haven't got a chance.

Not a chance of lifting that trophy.

Dynamite comes in small sticks!

This stick of dynamite is going to blow this course out the water!

He seems angry but what he lacks in size,

he certainly makes up for in Northernness.

He's off, that's one small step for man but a giant leap for a tiny man.

I can say these things because he's shorter than me.

That's just fact, I'm not gloating.

The pitter-patter of tiny feet now across the Dodgeball.

Woah, Andy!

Andy is a particularly small target, but he's made it, unbelievable.

Tiny Lady Kady is next.

This is a big, bad, evil, nasty course,

are you sure you're fit enough for it?

Yes, course, I wouldn't have applied otherwise.

Kady is seriously small.

Oh, right. Very funny, Amanda.

She could run underneath the Sucker Punch and still make it.

Well, bang goes that theory.

Careful in that mud, Kady,

we don't want to lose you in there,

it's eight inches deep. Never get out.

Now, Andy is actually a circus trainer by trade,

so balancing on Big Red Balls should be right up his street.

Apparently not.

# I wish I was a little bit taller.. #

Maybe he's training to be a clown.

Will Kady have more luck?

Those Big Red Balls have never looked bigger.

Here comes... The Motivator's ready. Quick!

One, two... Oh!

The gaps in between are bigger for her.

# Every now and then I get a little bit lonely

-# And you're never coming round

-Turn around... #

Come on, Kady, get the ball, come on.

The last battle of today's Qualifier,

forget David versus Goliath,

this is Tiny Lady Kady verses the giant Swinging Letters of SH!

They look massive now.

Oh, my Lord. No!

Predictable, really, to be honest.

The big battle of the little people comes to an end with Kady finishing

in a not-so-tiny time of 3.25.

Andy achieved the petite time of just over two minutes.

Yeah!

That's...

That's just awesome.

-Would it be fair to say you're a bit excited?

-Yes, just a bit.

A final look at the leaderboard reveals that Modest Mikey has done

the North proud at the top,

followed closely by Nanny McFit in joint second.

Handy-sized Andy falls into sixth,

Morris Minor is the only Morris to qualify in seventh,

and it's Tiny Lady Kady who steals that last Crash Mountain place.

So, the Qualifier has come to an end and with a Northerner currently

leading the field, I'm firmly wearing my Northern hat, by heck.

We've had some laughs, we've had some tears. Not talking about the competitors, it's just that

I've got a splinter from this podium and the crew laughed at me for crying.

The competitors probably are going through a lot of emotions as well.

Especially the losers.

# So take, take me home

# Cos I don't remember

# Take, take me home

# Cos I don't remember

# Take, take me home

# Cos I don't remember. #

I'm not I'm not crying for them. It's this splinter.

It won't budge, it's right under the nail. Yep, that has got it.

Next, it's Crash Mountain. Ah!

This motorised monster was originally used as a gigantic clock by the ancient Aztecs.

But with one hand moving backwards, it was deemed useless and abandoned.

Today it only ever tells one time - pain o'clock.

The first five to the middle progress to Dizzy Dummies.

Time for a reminder of the Crash Mountain contenders.

On podiums one and two are the Action Man Dave, and fastest in the Qualifier, Modest Mikey.

I got some bad medicine for Crash Mountain.

On three and four, Tiny Lady Kady.

There's five spaces on that Crash Mountain.

There's five Southerners here. I think we're sorted.

And Kristy from Accounts.

On podiums five and six, Tickled Pinka Yinka and Morris Minor.

Where's my mum and dad? Oh, yes, they got knocked out, didn't they?

Yes, you should respect your elders.

On seven and eight, Jumper Outer Joe and Fire Fighter Dawn.

This firefighter's on fire.

And about to be doused, I suspect.

On podium nine is Nanny McFit.

God save the Queen!

On 10, it's Jet Set George.

On 11 and 12, Louisa from Louisaland and Handy-sized Andy.

Dynamite normally only blows once, but there's more power in me yet.

Let's hope he blows and doesn't suck.

Murphy's Law states that whatever can go wrong,

will go wrong and here on Crash Mountain, an awful lot is about to go wrong for seven contestants.

He's a clever guy, that Murphy, I'm a big fan. Are you all ready?

-Yeah!

-So is Murphy. Three, two, one!

The klaxon goes and Eduardo starts pedalling.

Who'll be the first to jump?

Jet Set George rockets on...

and off.

Kristy jumps.

Jumper Outer Joe does what he does best, and who's that?

That's Nanny McFit. Who will be the first to the middle?

Dave now leaps into the water.

Amanda is loving this. Yinka's on.

Duck.

That's a promising start. And a painful end.

Yink-ouch!

That was one heck of a face plant.

Crash Mountain is still empty.

Kristy again. No.

Nanny McFit tries again. No.

Tiny Lady Kady barely touched the thing.

Jumper Outer Joe again, jumping out.

It's carnage. Will anyone make it to the middle?

Crash Mountain is yet to be defeated.

Still five places available in the next round. Who's got what it takes?

Everyone taking their time. Come on!

Handy-sized Andy lands it.

Will he be the first? Good ducking.

He's up, he legs it.

He's beaten it and about time, too.

Fantastic.

Come on, Northerners!

Yinka's on using the same technique as Andy, under the bar.

Come on, Northerners!

Up and bombs across.

That makes two Crash Mountaineers.

Both in yellow T-shirts for some spooky reason. Is that coincidence?

Yes. Three places left to fill, but who will take them?

Will it be Dave, Mikey, Kady,

Kristy, Jack, Joe, Dawn,

Tamara, George or Louisa from Louisaland?

Kady goes for it.

Takes a bash on the bonce.

Can she make it?

Ooh hoo hoo!

That was never going to end well.

It didn't. Morris Minor Jack... That was incredible, Jack's through.

All in the timing.

Tamara is on.

Ducks, bides her time.

Chooses her moment, off she goes.

And off she goes.

Another jump out from Joe, lands it, his horrific shorts taking a beating.

He sets off and falls off, too slow.

Jumper Outer Joe fails to jump onto the mountain.

Still two contestants short for the next round.

They're falling left, right and centre.

Well, left and right. Very few are falling near the centre.

Modest Mikey lays low.

Can he do it? It's getting closer and he's on.

Only one place left now.

Kady is having a go.

Can she get up quick enough?

Makes a dash, and it's over!

SCREAMING

The Dizzy Dummies have been selected. That's the five.

From the North, Handy-sized Andy and Modest Mikey and from the South,

Tickled Pinka Yinka, Morris Minor Jack and Tiny Lady Kady.

Yes, I knew the Southerners would do it. 3-2.

Well, it's been a long journey. In fact, I need a sit down.

I am sat down.

That's a shame, I really fancied a sit down.

Maybe if I stand up and then sit down...

Oh, that's better.

There you have the winners.

It's bye-bye losers.

I'm as sad as a parrot

I'm sure I'll be all right after I've had a nice Yorkshire cup of tea.

So much harder than it looks.

I had plans for that £10,000.

I had a go at Crash Mountain but flumped.

Crash-landed didn't I?

It threw me quite a lot I think. I could see the end in sight.

It wasn't to be.

I think Crash Mountain

is a lot harder than being a nanny to 100 children.

That was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I did all right but I should have done better.

I'm gutted.

I don't know what happened. It's a little bit sad.

Those southerners, Inca, Jack and Kady, Dizzy Dummy's

going to destroy them and they'll drop in the water.

Northerners are there to the end.

As always, Dizzy Dummies begins with the competitors taking a

breakfast resurrecting spin on this rotating nightmare.

After which they must stumble past a hose wielding Argentinian,

up the revolving hill and haul themselves over the goal post.

Then, it's a slippery clamber across the gialt evil pillow that is The Blob.

Last one across is eliminated

and the surviving four do the whole thing again,

but this time they must tackle the greasy donuts

with a helping of dodge ballers.

Last one across that time round is also eliminated

and that will leave three finalists.

There's a storm brewing and that's just in the contestants' tummies.

It's Dizzy Dummies.

-Are you all ready?

-Yes.

What are we waiting for?

3, 2, 1.

While they get dizzyfied,

time for a quick recap of the five dizzy dummies.

He's even happier than Larry, possibly the smiliest ever

Total Wipeout competitor, it's tickled pinker, Yinka.

Happy days. Bring it on.

Next is the unquietly confident Liverpudlian

who thrashed the qualifier...

The most in intelligent, the most attractive.

..Modest Mike.

He's the only surviving member of the Morris family

left in the competition.

It's Morris Minor Jack.

She's tiny, she's a lady, she's called Kady.

I forget what we called her now.

And finally the little northerner who was first up Crash Mountain.

Handy sized Andy.

This stick of dynamite's going to blow this course out the water.

Or it could be wind.

Seat belts off.

Unleash the beasts.

Look at Jack.

Modest Mike is at the goal post already and he's up and over.

It never gets any less funny.

Mikey slides on to the Blob

and slides right of it which means Kady inherits the lead.

And skids right off the side. That blob is looking extra greasy today.

Morris Minor Jack dives, he's in. Now Andy, he's in.

Now Yinka, he's in.

I just got into a rhythm there, he's not actually in yet.

No, he's in.

Modest Mikey is taking it nice and easy this time but Jack is not.

Look at that, they're both in.

I suspect Mikey won't be too happy with Jack.

That was brilliant. Ineffectual, but brilliant.

Andy slips off and causes Kady to do the same. Yinka looking good here.

-Until now.

-Oh!

Yinka actually got a hand on the final podium

but the rest of him was in the water.

Take your time.

-Ignore her! Get a move on!

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Mikey, hanging on.

Ow! Until Andy kicked him in the posterior!

Yinka gets the crowd going.

Oh! Sadly, he couldn't get himself going.

Will Mikey have another attempt sabotaged by his rivals?

Oh, not this time. He's done it!

And Jack's made it, too.

Here comes Kady.

Oh, where'd she go? She was there a minute ago.

Oh! I see.

Swallowed by the gap.

Yinka's making a charge now, and he's across too.

Time for a celebratory jig, I think.

Unique style!

That way! Where're you going? Kady's not done yet.

-He's given up already!

-You don't get off that easy!

There's one place left in the next round of Dizzy Dummies,

and he needs to challenge tiny lady Kady for it.

That's nice. Ladies first.

Andy must make this now if he's to stand a chance. And he does!

Handy-sized Andy survives. Which means that tiny lady Kady

is sadly eliminated from the competition.

Oh, Kady, my little, little lady! You're still smiling.

Oh, yeah, I've got to. What else can you do? It's hard.

I mean, I tried my best, and that's all you can do.

Well done for getting this far.

Thank you very much. I'm proud of myself, anyway.

Here we go, then. First three across this time go into the Wipeout Zone.

We will have our finalists.

KLAXON

And Jack is the first one out, but he's sort of heading sideways.

Again! Still heading sideways, still going...still going! What?!

Oh, now he's back. Oh, no, he's gone down.

Oh, dear. Mikey's up and over now.

Off goes Yinka. Speed of a cheetah.

Now, Mikey takes to the doughnuts.

The dodgeballs start flying, some thrown, some kicked.

Yes. And here comes Jack.

Jack seems hellbent on spoiling Mike's chances today.

He tried to pull him in.

It didn't work, which means Mikey has a clear run to the finish line.

And modest Mikey is into the Wipeout Zone.

Just behind him, handy-sized Andy is on the third doughnut.

And he leaps, and he joins Mikey in the Wipeout Zone too.

It's going to be happy days.

Now Yinka makes his bid to join them, and the three finalists

in today's competition have been decided.

Not on dancing ability. No.

No.

Stop that.

Which means Jack is going to need a cuddle from his mum and dad.

I have several things to say to you.

Number one, where on earth were you going at the top of that?

Didn't even go out last night, and I'm still legless!

-You let the family down, Jack!

-Yeah! How am I going to live it down?

Girlfriend said, if you don't win it, you're not coming back to me.

So I ain't got anything to go back for now!

-Stay in Argentina with us, then, yeah?

-I will do.

-Are you still single, then?

-All right, then!

On that note, I'm going to get you to go over to the losers' den!

So, both north and south will be represented in the Wipeout Zone.

For the south, there's Bristolian Yinka, and for the north,

there's Liverpudlian Mikey and Andy,

who's a Lancashanar...Lancashire... a Lancashire-ish man. I...

-What's someone from Lancashire called?

-Ken?

-No!

I mean, like all the people from...

Lancastrian! That's it.

Lancastrian.

Just to get through to the final is just, ah, man!

It's been crazy. It's been a blur.

I'm an accountant. How boring's that?

But now I'm the man!

I think Mikey's definitely the person to watch out for. He's got the edge.

My tactics so far have just been speed, speed, speed.

Some say he's talented. I would say lucky.

I would be so proud to be the smallest Total Wipeout champion.

-He is the energiser bunny.

-I'm fast, I'm furious.

He could be the dark horse.

That, you know, gets second place.

I'm quite a muscular sort of guy. Will it help me or no?

I just think to myself, you know, yeah, it will.

Southerners are rubbish, anyway. I'm amazed that he's even got into the final.

I'm extremely determined to make sure it's not happy days for Yinka.

It's no fun competing against someone when you can easily beat them.

# You only get one shot, so make it count

# You might never get this moment again... #

This is the thing that for ever will show that the north is superior to the south.

They'll know what a southerner is,

because I'm going to whip their butt.

I'll be gutted if Yinka holds that trophy up

and he gets a better time than both of us!

It's going to be a great, great final.

Happy days.

The Wipeout Zone begins, as always, with a journey down Killer Surf.

Seriously slidey.

Then it's a race up the rapid climb.

If they don't reach the top in ten seconds, a tidal wave is unleashed.

Seriously scary. After that, it's the Seesaw of Truth.

Seriously slippy. And the Crazy Sweeper.

Seriously...sweepy.

Finally, it's the Rope Swing.

Seriously swingy, and the Turntable,

seriously...serious, because when they hit that button,

the clock stops and the fastest person wins

the Total Wipeout trophy and £10,000.

It's north verus south here tonight,

and it looks like those northern hordes have brought the weather with them.

It's wet, it's wild and it's really not very nice at all.

Just like the Wipeout Zone.

And Andy is the first to brave it.

Handy-sized Andy is representing all Lancashire-ish-men.

Come on! Let's do this!

No, we'll let you do it. We'll watch.

-And he's out!

-Well, Andy's had a rocky start, getting

flipped out of the rubber ring, but now he must take on the Rapid Climb.

Oh, he pulls himself up onto the slope

and the ten-second countdown begins.

Even with those handy-sized legs, Andy is charging up.

He's going to beat it.

Yep, he's safe.

Now, for the Seesaw of Truth.

A cavalier approach, this, but it's working.

Very quick.

What will Andy's strategy be on the Crazy Sweeper?

Oh, well, that's unexpected.

I've no idea what just happened.

Me neither. Looks like he just fell off!

Either way, Andy must now climb up the ladder to the Rope Swing.

That incident on the Crazy Sweeper will have cost him vital seconds,

so he needs to be quick now.

There he is!

I hope handy-sized Andy's got a pair of gripping hands.

He's coming in from a sideways angle, but it's worked.

He's on the turntable now.

Oh, and he can't stand up!

Struggling to get his bearings,

he's certainly getting his money's worth on this roundabout.

Does he realise he's supposed to jump off? Come on!

Come on! There's the button!

Oh, this is actually causing me physical pain.

No, not that way! Oh! Oh!

Amanda, the man's just damaged his chances of winning 10 grand.

This is no laughing matter.

So, not a lot of energy left now,

but he needs a final push to get to the button. Come on, Andy, dig deep!

This is the first time of the day.

You could still win! Hope he makes it this time.

Quick run-up. Yes!

And he finishes. What an ordeal.

It was a dream start from handy-sized Andy

and it quickly turned into a nightmare with two bizarre but, to be honest,

quite amusing slip-ups on the Crazy Sweeper and the Turntable.

It's not all bad, OK?

You did that in three minutes and 42 seconds.

-Wow.

-I bet it felt like a lifetime.

It certainly did.

Yinka's up next. Let's watch.

So Yinka's no longer tickled pinka.

He's just looking very serious.

Happy days!

KLAXON

The clock starts. A very dizzy Andy

may have given Yinka an advantage,

but he can't afford to put a foot wrong on this treacherous course.

Happy days!

Where's he gone?

Oh, there he is. And the countdown begins.

He's shooting up the Rapid Climb.

That tidal wave doesn't stand a chance.

He's beaten it. Onto the seesaw now.

Not quite as fast as he was on the Rapid Climb, though.

That's definitely slower.

But safe.

He ducks onto the podium.

He's up and running.

Down again, taking it carefully.

Safe, but he is against the clock.

Oh! How's he doing that?!

Using his upper body strength.

Last two to go. Oh!

He's safely across. After that workout,

I'll be surprised if he can hold onto the rope.

But he must.

There he goes.

And it's impressive. He barely seems to have broken a sweat.

Just one more jump to go.

Oh, no, this feels familiar.

What is it today?

-Something in the air tonight!

-As long as they're happy.

Right. Choosing his moment. Come on!

And he's done it! And Yinka's set the new time to beat.

Advantage to the south.

And there's that famous dance. Again.

Might catch on.

But probably not.

From a rapid start, Yinka found himself slowed down by the Seesaw,

but then showed off immense strength and skill on the Crazy Sweeper.

He should be tickled pink by that performance.

Look at the smile on your face!

You've got to be happy.

It's been a happy day for you all day today, and it's about to get

even happier because you were faster than Andy. I'm sorry!

-Well done, mate.

-Sorry, mate.

-It's all right, mate.

Oh, Yinka, you know what this means!

Yeah, it means I got a H, I got a D.

-I got the happy... but will I get the days?

-We'll have to wait and see.

Mikey's up next. Let's watch.

Modest Mikey is now the north's only hope. Can he sink a Yinka?

This is how we do, baby. Yeah!

What was that about? I didn't understand that.

I'll forgive him.

He's under stress.

And under water.

He's out of the rubber ring and off on his quest to take

the Total Wipeout trophy back with him to the north.

Swim to the rapid climb. He's up and on.

The ten-second countdown has begun.

Modest Mikey is making this look easy.

Powering up that ramp.

He pysched out that slide!

Onto the Seesaw of Truth. Interesting approach.

I'm sure Yinka would be very happy if Mikey's this cautious

the whole way round. Taking time.

Yinka was slow and steady on the crazy sweeper, so to beat his time,

Mikey will need to be a bit more adventurous.

And that's exactly what he is being!

That edges him into the lead,

but one mistake now and Yinka has won this.

Swings out. He lands.

Can he make the final jump?

Yes! In a time of one minute 23, he has won it for the north.

It was northern grit that won out in the Wipeout Zone.

Mikey's almost-perfect dash across the course has earned him the title

of Total Wipeout champion in this battle of north versus south.

Time for Amanda to give him the good news.

Mikey.

-Hello.

-Wow, how are you doing?

I'm doing pretty good, thank you very much, Amanda.

What you need to know, though,

is that Yinka was equally fantastic here tonight, Mike.

You boys know that it's been the battle between the north

and the south here today, and it's come right down to the wire.

Mikey, you're the pride of the north tonight,

because you're the Total Wipeout champion!

-Well done.

-Yes!

Cheers.

North are the winners! Yes!

So, 27-year-old pediatrician Mike from Liverpool is today's

Total Wipeout champion, pocketing a tidy £10,000.

He'll be returning for the series finale.

His victory scientifically proves that the north is better than the south,

and if anyone in the south would like to complain about that result,

please address all hate mail to:

After dividing the nation tonight, next time,

Total Wipeout goes global, as the UK's finest

take on the world's best.

Expect some of this from Great Britain.

And some of this from the rest of the world.

So, until next time, from Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd