Episode 6 Total Wipeout

From Buenos Aires, for the first time ever, Total Wipeout in 3D.

That's not 3D, is it?

Anyway, tonight, a group of really hard Brits,

including a granny, a sleep researcher and a musician,

will be competing in a contest that's being compared to the Olympics...

by me, just then.

But instead of a gold medal, one competitor will win a big trophy and £10,000.

Let the games begin!

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

Have I got a show for you!

Have we got to show for them?

Oh, is that it, then?

Oh, OK.

Just show the kitten, then.

It's all OK, I found the remote.

We DO have a show for you, and apparently this is what's in it.

The qualifier.

12 will qualify.

Crash Mountain - five will reach the summit.

Dizzy Dummies - three will be less dizzy.

And the grand final - the Wipeout Zone.

One will win £10,000.

Whilst many TV shows are being accused of dumbing down,

personally, I'm a big fan of dumbing up.

To assess the state of affairs at Argentina's premier foam-based obstacle course,

here's Amanda Byron to conduct an in-depth interrogation into today's first contestant.

Serious stuff. Gripping.

We're joined at the top of the qualifier by Nicky from Rotherham,

who's a donor carer. Are you going to make that look easy out there today?

I'd like to say yes, however I am very clumsy

and have a tendency to go the wrong way - that's why my nickname's SatNav.

My name is SatNav and there's only one winner here, so everyone else can get lost!

All right! So, off goes Nicky,

and she is going in the right direction so far.

Just needs to navigate herself upward now.

As Nicky familiarises herself with the pontoon,

it's time to reintroduce the first obstacle.

It's back again - a long beam, six heavy, swinging bags

and thousands of gallons of stinky brown water.

It's the heavy bag beam.

Time to see if SatNav finds her way over here.

Watch out! Oh!

Seems to have run into some heavy traffic there...

unexpectedly.

Right, Nicky now needs to find her way up the stairs

and try and avoid the second set of bags.

Here we go... Oh, very good!

Yes...

Oh, no! No, the wrong way.

I've worked out what the problem is.

She's only got the Western Europe map.

Ha-ha! Yes! You see?

Now she's heading the right way,

and it's a quick dash to the sucker punch!

22 precision fists with one mission - to inflict maximum pummelage.

Only the fastest 12

will make it through to the next round,

so Nicky could do with the Argentinean map here.

After 200 yards, bear right

and get punched in the face.

Yup, there! Perfect, she got punched in the face.

At least she followed those directions!

Nicky looking a bit lost as she marches up the ramp

to the next obstacle.

It's the big...red...balls!

Oh, ow! All right, that's enough!

For those scaredy cats who don't want to jump, there is a little motivational aid -

The Motivator!

Here goes Nicky...

Oh, no! She's on the slip! Oh, dear.

Turn around where possible.

Yeah, too late.

Time is ticking away for Nicky,

so it's a swim and a climb to the final obstacle.

# It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing... #

It's a swing onto a thing,

and a jump onto that thing,

then the clock thing stops, sort of thing.

A simple swing and a jump to the finish podium now for Nicky.

Come on.

Here we go. Yeah... Oh, no!

No.

Let's see what happened. She went down towards the water

when she should have gone straight on towards the finish line. Never trust a SatNav.

Nicky takes an alternative route to the finish podium.

You have now reached your destination.

In a time of three minutes and 36 seconds.

You did extremely well, we're proud of you.

-Go get dried off, we'll see you later.

-Thank you.

By 'eck, that was a hard qualifier.

Yes! Next to tackle the qualifier is 40-year-old Army musician, Simon.

SHE BLOWS A FANFARE

Simon, welcome, welcome.

Welcome, Amanda.

Thank you. Simon, what would Her Majesty think of one of her finest

taking on the Total Wipeout course in name of Queen and country?

I think she'd quite enjoy it.

She does love Total Wipeout, you know. Hi, Queenie!

Oh, now we're all going to the Tower. OK...

Why is Amanda drinking a yard of ale?

Oh, off he goes!

It's the knees that do it.

A good landing.

Simon's been in the Army for 20 years,

so he's no stranger to obstacle courses.

As a band member, he'd probably had to do them

whilst holding a clarinet, or something.

Or one of those big xylophones.

Or a really massive drum. That'd be difficult!

A Royal appointment with the heavy bag beam now.

Past the first one... This is looking good.

Past the first two... Three...

Now the fourth.

This is looking very good.

And the fifth and the sixth. Oh, no!

No, one step too far,

but Simon just about managed to keep the Crown Jewels intact.

Sucker-punch now.

Will Simon's Army band training be of use here?

No, not in the slightest!

Onto the big red Royal balls now.

Can I say that? I did.

OK, come on.

Oh, he's onto the second ball. Get up!

This is for you, Queenie.

Yes! I mean, no, no! Well, it is.

Making his way to the third. Here we go!

Oh, no!

No knighthood for him... probably.

If it was on the cards, it's not now.

At least he keeps a steady rhythm - I wanted to march then!

Sorry, Queenie. He tried.

Amanda, she's not watching!

And big band Simon climbs to the finish podium in three minutes 25.

Stand at ease.

When you think of Grandma, a few things might spring to mind, like knitting,

boiled sweets,

maybe even mobility scooters.

What definitely doesn't spring to mind is Fi,

the coolest grandma in Penzance.

I wonder if she knitted that silver thing?

Nanny Fi, that's me.

And I'm here to put the glam back into gran.

I'm faintly scared. Anyone else?

OK, off she goes.

Wow, she's quick!

Has she spotted a jumble sale somewhere?

Right, sprinting along the pontoons,

approaching the heavy bag beam...

Come on, Fi!

Oh, yes!

No, no!

# Cos I'm just a teenage dirt bag... #

Oh, no, Grandma's had a fall.

She'll have done her hip - they always do.

# I'm just a teenage dirt bag... #

Well, she may be a grandma, but this is a very quick time so far.

Onto the big red balls... That's very good! Oh!

Oh, dear.

# Cos I'm just a teenage dirt bag, baby

# I'm just a teenage dirt bag... #

Just the swing thing left.

This is one fast granny. Here we go.

Swing...and the landing?

Oh, that was good! Just a short leap to go.

Yes, yes! No! No!

That shouldn't happen to a grandma. It's wrong.

Granny Mc-Fi climbs to the finish

in an amazing two minutes and 17 seconds,

despite the complete absence of a stair lift.

-Glamorous or what?

-Yeah, glamorous(!)

This is 18-year-old Ben from Wales.

He's the youngest competitor so far, and at three inches,

probably the shortest.

Oh, no. Sorry, five foot three inches.

Ben, does your mum know you've come out to play with us?

I may be short, but I'm going to kick this course!

Yes, probably quite low, on the shin.

I love making short gags at other people's expense!

I hope he does well, or we'll be charged with cruelty to children.

Off goes Baby Ben to the heavy bag beam.

He'll be killed!

Here we go.

Look at his little legs go.

Oh! Oops.

That heavy bag must have looked huge to him.

Poor Ben. He might need a plaster after that, brave little soldier.

So, it's Ben against those four nasty big balls.

I'm loving this.

Oh, here we go...

Congratulations, it's a bouncing baby boy.

I am taller than him. I am! I actually am.

On his way to earning his five metre swimming badge.

Certificate, and little badge to sew on your trunks.

That was just me. Ben must be used to swings, though. Here he goes.

Oh!

He's probably not allowed on the big boys' swings.

Finally, big baby Ben climbs up the wooden hill

to Bedfordshire in three minutes 50.

-Oh, God!

-Night-night, Ben.

I won't be a minute.

'You have now reached your destination.'

There we go. Phew, all done.

I love this podium.

It is so useful for all those things I do with it.

I really don't know what I'd do without it.

Hang on! I've just remembered something I need to do that's podium related.

Hold on.

Yup, all done.

Anyway, time to rock out with the next competitor.

This is Anthony, he's a heavy metal rock god from Brighton.

Yeah!

Yeah!

I'm a power metal singer in the band, Sorcerer's Spell. Hi, guys!

So you're a dainty wallflower, then?

# Most definitely no-o-o-o-o-t! #

Uh-oh.

I'm going to teach this course a lesson in the use of ultimate power!

Oh, stop shouting!

Ow! Right, off he goes.

Oh, no, there's a problem.

1980s lady rock. He won't be happy with that, is he?

Oh! This was always a bad moment in a club.

Leave. Leave!

# Till now I always got by... #

This is awkward! Anthony is heading to the heavy bags.

Heavy, you see.

He looks happy - maybe he doesn't mind lady rock.

Here we go.

Yep, looking good. Looking very good!

Oh, wow! Just a little nick at the end,

but great stuff there from Anthony.

Oh, no, he's got a limp. Come on, Anthony.

Yes!

Easy!

Come on. Oh! Stops that fist with his face,

good job! This is looking strong.

That'll probably make his voice a bit higher now.

You know that bit when you go, "Argh!" Yeah...

Big balls now.

Oh-ho!

Ooooh!

Not only does he love rock, he also drops like one!

This is a rock-solid performance from Anthony.

Just the swing thing now.

Come on, Anthony. Here we go.

Oh, he broke a string.

Despite that, the Brighton rocker reaches the finish

in three minutes and six seconds.

I was a rocker. I was! A small one.

I think he's still annoyed at that music choice earlier.

In case there's any doubt, what music did you like?

Meta-a-a-a-al!

I think he said metal(!)

Next to go, is 20-year-old London gymnastics coach, Kayley.

Bravo. How wonderful.

If gymnastics was easy, it'd be called football!

It wouldn't. It'd be called easynastics or gymball...

What am I talking about?

This is looking good already!

Oh, graceful!

Will gymnastics help on the heavy bag beam?

Oh! Almost.

A faultless entry.

I give it...a million points?

I don't know how they score gymnastics.

Big balls now. Come on, Kayley!

She went straight up!

What an exquisite dismount!

A double bounce with an arm flail.

That's 20 billion and 5 points, or something...

I bet she can swim as well.

Just the swing thing to go for Kayley now,

and this is looking like a quick time. Here we go.

Onto the thing.

She's landed it.

Kayley could be near the top of the leader board

if she gets this right.

One jump... Yes!

Oh, no!

Oh, I don't know.

I think she even made that look graceful.

So, Grace Kayley finishes her run in a very good two minutes 51 seconds,

but where does that put her on the leader board?

Granny Mc-Fi takes the top spot

with Grace Kayley and the Brighton Rocker below.

In fourth, it's big band Simon

with SatNav Nicky and Big Baby Ben taking the bottom two slots.

But who'll challenge them next?

This is Cassie.

She's asleep...

Oh, sorry! No, that went over the page.

She's a sleep researcher.

Right, work's over!

If you don't snooze, you'll lose!

And I'm fresh out of a nap, baby!

Really?

OK, time to see if Cassie's snoozing helped her around the Qualifier.

-WHISPERING:

-I'm going to talk quietly because I don't want to wake her up.

There she goes now.

Climbing onto the podiums.

MUSIC: Theme from In The Night Garden

This is lovely. Now the heavy bags.

Oh! And she's gone bye-byes.

Sorry about shouting, there. I got all excited.

Onto the Sucker Punch now.

Cassie needs to sleepwalk across this war as quickly as possible.

Yes, this is good.

Oh, that's put her lights out!

Now for the Big Balls.

I think she's nodded off.

Well, this is bound to wake her up. One, two...

Ya...ho ho!

Yeah, that definitely woke her up.

It will have done. Nobody's ever done this course asleep before.

Just a swing for Cassie now.

Come on. No-one's made it across intact yet today.

Time to see if all that snoozing helped. Oh...no.

No, it didn't.

Cassie reaches the finish in a very good 3.06.

She'll probably have a celebratory snooze now. Oh, settle down.

This is Peter from Sevenoaks.

He sells artificial turf.

I think they've got enough already, mate. Look, it's everywhere.

This is going to be wall-to-wall entertainment. Andele, andele!

Oh, it says here

-that Peter is a carpet salesman.

-MEXICAN-STYLE MUSIC

Why was he holding artificial turf? And why the Mexican music?

Too many questions.

Oh, "underlay, underlay"! I get it now.

Yeah, all right.

Time for a heavy carpetbagging.

Ooh. He got floored!

That was a case of some heavy bag burn, followed by beam burn

and nicely rounded off

with a touch of pole burn, there.

Big Balls now for the underlayer.

Come on!

Oh! I've never seen someone's head

actually disappear like that.

Amazing. It didn't come off.

Just the Swing Thing now. Come on!

Oh, no. He hasn't undone the rope.

Oh, dear.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

He might be great with a gripper rod,

but he's not so hot with a bit of rope.

Peter reaches the finished match in a rather good 2.20.

Ah! Arriba!

The Swing Thing may not sound like a very scientific obstacle,

but in truth, science is the key to getting over it. Observe.

Using sciencey computer graphics you can see there's the swing -

that's what contestants must use to swing on - over there, to the thing.

Simple precision timing's required.

35-year-old PR consultant Anna uses bad science.

Wahey!

She actually forgot to swing, there.

44-year-old sailing fan Moira sat down at the wrong moment and sank.

That's bad science.

And 31 year-old marketing manager Shaherah had a sound swing.

-Good science.

-Yep.

But...poor timing. That's bad science.

So Anna's swung to the finish line in 5.15.

Moira's sailed onto the podium in 4.01.

But Shaherah beat them both in a time of 3.33 because her

science was at least 50% good.

So, what have I learnt?

Yep, absolutely nothing!

This is cheeky Northern chappie Mikey,

and he's ready to rip up the Qualifier. Check out the guns.

-Fab, in't it?

-Good luck.

-Thanks!

And off goes Cheeky Northern Mikey.

The 32 year-old nursery manager

almost looks light enough to float over the water.

OK. Up to the Heavy Bag Beam now.

Here we go.

Oh! No. Ooh. No, no, no.

Definitely a no.

That toxic mud is going to play havoc with his hair gel.

And his nose. Yeah, and his face there, the stairs.

-Come on, spiky Mikey!

-I'm coming, I'm coming!

Now, the lightweight Yorkshireman must take on

the very heavyweight Sucker Punch.

Look at his little legs go.

Right, he's on.

Oh. Looking good.

Oh, cheeky blow to the face - but on he goes.

Yes. Mikey on the Big Balls now.

Here we go. Aha! Oh.

Ooh. Ooh, ye... No.

Right, that'll cost him.

Now, for a swim followed by a cheeky swing.

Oh, my goodness!

Come on, Mikey. Do it for your three kids. They're watching.

Yes... Yes, he made it!

Katy, Matthew and Elliott will be going berserk right now.

# It's Cheeky Northern Mikey. #

Yes, Cheeky Northern Mikey conquers the Qualifier in 2.35.

Cracking time.

This is Paul. Don't be put off by the suit and earmuffs.

This guy has done some impressive stuff.

I've taken a bike to China,

I've gone to the magnetic North Pole in a challenge

and I've sailed halfway around the world.

-So...

-Not much, then?

-No, no. Only little bits.

Only little bits.

I'm here to win! One day, one dollar, one dream!

So the 53 year-old builder from Birmingham sets off on his least

intrepid adventure to date,

trekking across a couple of hundred yards of foam.

There he goes.

Across the Heavy Bag Beam.

And...incredible - he's made it!

Looking good.

Is there anything this man can't do?

Come on! Onto the Sucker Punch.

Ooh!

No. How wrong is that?

Ouch.

Surely all that polar trekking will have helped Paul

to prepare for this next challenge, the Big Red Balls.

Here we go. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

No, it didn't, did it?

It didn't help at all.

Paul of the Arctic's gone for a swim and he may be some time.

The Swing Thing now for Paul of the Arctic, and...

Here we go.

-Come on, Paul.

-Yes, come on, Paul.

It...ooh... Oh.

It's a timing thing. It's... Oops.

Might be slowed down a bit now.

Probably best he let go. He could have been there forever.

And Paul of the Arctic reaches the magnetic finishing pole in 2.08.

-Yeah!

-The fastest time so far today.

This is Kel. Oh, she's gone.

She's back again. Oh, she's gone.

Hang on, there she is. Oh, this is annoying.

So, Kelly, what exactly can you do out there

on that obstacle course?

To be honest with you, Amanda. Kel Can do a lot.

And I've been this course in my mind about a 1,000 times

and Kel Can knows exactly what she's going to do.

Before you ask, yes, I am going to win Total Wipeout!

If anyone can, Kel Can!

I didn't ask.

How embarrassing, Kel's got odd socks on there.

Oh. Ooh. Oh, painful start.

Onto the Heavy Bag Beam. Running for it.

-And she's made it!

-Yes!

Kel's ability to not keep still for a second

may be an advantage here on the Sucker Punch. Dodgy. Ooh. Yes.

Oh. No. Maybe not.

Oh, look - her socks match now.

OK, here we go.

And.... Yeah, she sort of fell off.

Just the Swing Thing to go.

Swing. Safely onto the thing.

-Careful!

-Oh, Kelly. Careful.

Now, she's steadied herself.

Preparing to leap.

-Yes. She can. She's made it.

-Kel Can!

Kel sort of can.

So where does that put sort-of Kel on the leaderboard?

Well, that superb run puts Kel joint top with Paul of the Arctic.

Peter Underlay and Cheeky Northern Mikey are in fourth and fifth,

whilst Night Night Cassie snoozes into joint seventh

with the Brighton Rocker.

Things are starting to look a bit grim for Shaherah, Nikki and Ben.

Meet Fran. She's from Bromsgrove.

She runs a gym and she teaches yoga.

The perfect CV for this show.

Drum roll, please. I think

yoga-na go far today.

Ah, that was embarrassing.

It ain't how hard you can hit! It's how hard you can get hit!

I don't know about you, but I'm still getting over that Amanda pun.

She shouldn't try that sort of thing. It's just... No.

Anyway, where am I? Oh, yes, Fran. Here she goes.

-She's struggling!

-Yeah, she is a bit.

But now she's up.

And now she's running.

But can she outrun the Heavy Bags?

Let's see.

Here we go. Ooh, nice tactics, waiting for the gap.

This girl's got it all worked out.

Might not be the fastest way to cross it, but this is good.

If she avoids a fall, it'll save time.

And...she's across.

Fran also teaches martial arts,

so she's got the skills to cross the Sucker Punch.

Probably. Doing well.

Good footwork.

Yes, she's across. Fran is yet to fall off anything. This is amazing.

Now it's the Big Balls.

One... Two... Oh, this is unbelievable.

Three, four!

-I don't believe it!

-I'm speechless!

She's made it!

What an incredible achievement!

Very few people have ever crossed all four balls like that.

A golden total wipe-out moment there. Simply Fran-tastic.

Wow!

She doesn't even look surprised by herself.

Now, can Fran make this a flawless performance?

Finish it off now with the swing.

Here we go. Ah...oh!

Oh, come on! Come on!

Oh! Oh!

She's proving herself a supreme athlete at...

No, that wasn't so fantastic.

But Fran bounds to the top of the leaderboard with a time of 1.57.

That superb run is going to take some beating.

Here's Luke. He's 21.

He's from St Helens and he loves singing and dancing and his nan.

Would it be a fair description to say that you're a little theatrical?

-Ah, a little bit, yes.

-What is it that you do?

I do a lot of acting, singing, dancing.

Can you give me, like, a demonstration of your best show tune?

Yes, I will. No problem.

# When I am down And, oh, my soul so weary... #

Well, that was unfair.

He was just getting going.

Luke here is studying musical theatre in Manchester

and one day hopes to work on a cruise ship.

Singing, I mean. Not steering the thing.

Right, he's up and running, heading towards the Heavy Bag Beam.

Here we go. Determination.

Yes! Oh! And he's in the water.

A touch of The Little Mermaid would come in handy about...now.

Onto the Sucker Punch next.

Takes one to the Mousetrap but Luke's making good time. Oh, no.

Right in the Chitty-Chitties.

Bang, bang. You see?

Now, how will Chitty Chitty Luke Luke perform on the Big Balls?

Here we go. One... Two...

Ooh!

# You raise me up... #

That had Grease written all over it.

# And raise me up to more than I... #

And he's across! That's one second faster than Fran-tastic.

Oh, come on! I liked his singing.

This is Chris. He's a leader of Beavers.

In the Scouts.

I was in the Scouts once,

and I promise I'm not going to take the mickey at all.

-It's inappropriate and unnecessary.

-How do you rate your chances?

Pretty good, but we'll see how things go.

I'll take it one step at a time. Use my head.

Don't use your head to hit anything.

No, that wouldn't be a clever idea.

As a Scout I'm always prepared, but is this course prepared for me?

I love this guy already.

He's not done anything yet.

Come on, Chris. Yes. You see?

Here we go. Oh, careful.

On to the Heavy Bags now. Yes!

Oh, right in the ging gang goolies.

No! I wasn't going to do that.

He might need that 5p he keeps in his pocket for emergencies.

No, no. No scouting gags.

I was - I liked it.

He's got his Heavy Bag badge. Time to try for the Sucker Punch badge.

Here we go, son.

Ooh, ah. Probably like working at a bring-and-buy sale.

All those angry grannies fighting over a tea cosy.

No, stop making scouting gags, Hammond. I enjoyed it.

-I learned a lot.

-Actually, he looks like a bit of a beaver.

An eager beaver.

Go on, Chris. Heave!

That's it.

Now it's time for some Big Ball bob-a-job. Come on.

One... Two...

And in. Yes.

Ah.

Like I said before, I love this guy!

Come on, Chris!

Whilst Chris tries for his advanced lifesaver badge, I'll move on.

Meet Becky, a 30-year-old personal trainer.

My friends call me the Raging Man-Beast!

-Now it's time to release this Beast!

-ROAR!

Does she keep... Oh, it's a roar.

Right, the Beast is off.

Yeah, the Beast is struggling to climb a pontoon.

But she's... What does she do if she gets angry? I don't want to know.

Release the Man-Beast, Becky. Release it.

I'm staying in here.

Now, both the Man-Beast and the heavy bags are released,

simultaneously.

Not quite that way.

Becky jumped before it even touched her. What a scaredy Man-Beast.

Now onto the Sucker Punch.

Should be no problem for this ball of rage.

# Watch out, boy She'll chew you up... #

Look at that face! The rage, the fury.

# She's a man-eater... #

What does she do to it if she punches...

Oh, dear. She fell off.

Yeah. Oh, a hairy moment for the Beast there.

Becky's definitely looking like some sort of beast.

Right, release the Beast. Ooh.

I think the Beast ripped something.

Nasty.

One last obstacle for this monstrous creature.

But Becky's struggling to stand. Not a good sign.

Here we go. Yes.

Swing. Oh!

Amanda, always there with the encouragement that's needed.

So, a rather tired and soggy Beast finishes in 2.26.

-Done.

-Yes, yes, you're done.

This is policeman Sonny, and he's doing stuff with his hands.

This place is mustard and this course is what I'm talking about.

I'm about to serve some justice on the Sucker Punch. Come on!

What? Did he say something about custard? It's mud, not custard.

Woo, some serious foam burn there.

Good work.

Time to serve the Sucker Punch some justice.

Yep, justice served. Sort of.

I'm not going to say 'ello, 'ello, 'ello at any point,

but what do we have here then? Ooh!

I'm afraid Sonny is going to be charged with breaking and entering.

That's breaking bones whilst entering the water.

-Next, a tricky knot.

-Come on, Sonny.

Come on, that's not an obstacle. That's just the start.

It's undone ... and no.

That's just poor.

He may have fallen in, but at least he's landed Sonny Side Up!

Right, just the stairs to go.

Come on, Sonny. Up you go. Just stairs.

You've got them at home, mate.

Stairs.

Sonny completes the course in 3.15,

most of which was spent on the stairs.

-Oi!

-Ah, well really.

And from an officer of the law as well. I'm disgusted.

Back to Chris the Beaver,

and as he reaches the Swing Thing, this is a very good time.

Sonny is cowardly in 12th place with 3.15.

Can Chris make the next round by beating this? This is his moment.

Oh, he's stepping up to it.

Come on, Chris.

He can pull this out of the bag, I know he can. Yes!

No...no.

So close to landing it, too.

But this is amazing stuff.

Now he's got to swim. But what a run, anyway.

Chris has touched the void.

He's crossed oceans.

And continents.

Only seconds away from beating Sonny's time, come on!

Yes! He's done it in 3.12.

Chris the Beaver is in the next round. What a guy!

What a Beaver!

Chitty Chitty Luke Luke takes the top spot,

with Fran-tastic following closely behind.

Sort Of Kel is joint third with Paul of the Arctic,

but he's on the next screen because there's no space.

The Beast comes in seventh, and of course, right at the bottom in 12th,

it's Chris the Beaver,

pushing Sonny Side Up down and out of the game.

The story doesn't end there, though.

Sixth-place Peter picked up an injury

on the Qualifier and had to retire.

So, Sonny's luck is in.

He now steps up to take the 12th spot in the next round.

But a Saturday night elimination show wouldn't be complete without

some sort of a sad montage, so it's time to get those tissues ready.

Unless you're heartless,

in which case, it's time to poke yourself in the eye.

So, here goes.

Agh!

-# You're history

-Like a beat-up car

-# No good for me

-Like an old film star

-# You're history

-That's what you are

# Na-na-na-na

-# You're history

-You're history

-# No good for me

-No good for me

-# You're history

-You're history

# Na-na-na-na. #

Twelve start, only five will reach the summit. This is Crash Mountain.

The contestants must successfully navigate their way

over the rotating platform whilst trying to avoid

getting a face full of sweeper arm, which spins in the other direction.

The first five to the centre are heading for more spinning in the next round.

The other seven are heading to the check-in desk because their tickets got all soggy.

On podiums one and two, it's Chitty Chitty Luke Luke...

Watch Mr Muscle make it to that middle!

-And...

-# It's Cheeky Northern Mikey. #

On three and four, it's Chris the Beaver...

I might have been prepared before.

-I ain't any more.

-Pain is just weakness leaving your body!

-So bring it on!

-And Fran-tastic.

On five and six, the Beast.

And Paul of the Arctic.

They call me Peter Pan, now watch me fly.

On seven and eight, Granny McFi

and the Brighton Rocker.

Enough of this. It's time to destroy this mountain!

On nine, ten and eleven, Sort Of Kel,

Sonny Side Up, and Night Night Cassie.

And finally, on podium 12, it's Grace Kayley.

I can back-flip on a beam, so this one should be a walk in the park.

Mount Everest, K2, the Eiger.

Highest peaks to climb? Not any more.

Forget the Matterhorn, this is the Splatterhorn.

It's Crash Mountain. Ready?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Unsteady... Three, two, one!

Off goes the honker, around goes the mountain. Who will be first to try?

Oh, it's Fi.

What's this? Kel having a go. Unbelievable!

Sort Of Kel really can.

It hasn't even gone round once yet,

but Kel's already made it to the centre. What a start.

So off goes Chris. Oh, he is off.

And Becky, only four places left.

Who will join Kel in the next round?

There's Kayley. Oh, and off.

Who's next? Here's Anthony. Trying.

Oh! What a stage dive from the Brighton Rocker.

-That was never going to happen, was it?

-Nah.

Chris the Beaver, picking his moment. There's Fran-tastic.

Who's going to go for it now?

Who's next? Oh, it's Mikey.

Ow! So close.

That looked cheeky and painful.

-Sonny, you're still dry.

-Yeah, get on with it. Come on.

Sonny being a sleeping policeman.

He's woken up. Oh, no, he hasn't.

Back to sleep. Biding his time. Nearly.

Oh, come on, Sonny, get on with it!

Here we go! No.

Come on, Luke. Climb every mountain. Well, that one, anyway.

He is on.

Oh, he's up. Ooh!

He's had the Chitties knocked out of him there. Bang, bang.

Kayley's go now.

Come on.

Biding her time, choosing her moment.

Go. Yes, she's going to do it. No!

That was so close.

Someone's got to make this soon.

Who's next?

Paul of the Arctic gives it a go.

And, oh no.

Nice try.

Let's not forget Kel.

Getting lonely in the middle. Surely someone's got to join her soon?

Here goes Fran.

-She's up. No.

-Oh!

Paul, trying again. He's down.

Becky. Straight in.

Here's Night Night Cassie.

Up and run.

Yeah, she really can't afford to fall asleep here.

This is all about timing.

Come on, Cassie. Come on.

Yes. Yes! No.

Ooh, that was a rude awakening. Ow.

Ow.

Ow!

Surely someone's going to cross this soon?

No, not Pete. Or Luke.

Kayley's on again.

Come on, Kayley. Still four places left in the next round.

Choosing her moment.

Yes. Finally, Kayley joins Kel in the next round.

Two chicks! I love it.

Chris now.

Come on, Chris.

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I love this guy. Come on, Chris!

Yes! Yes!

I don't believe this, Chris is through. He deserves that.

And Paul now.

Ooh. That's outrageous.

It all just kicked off. Just one place remains in the next round.

So, will it be Fi, Luke, Sonny, Fran,

Mikey, Anthony, Cassie or the Beast?

Not the Beast. Or Anthony.

Or Luke.

-Off, off, off.

-So who's is going to be?

Here's Mikey, up and running. And he's made it!

# It's Cheeky Northern Mikey! #

That incredible effort means Mikey, Kayley, Kel, Chris and Paul

are through to the next round.

# Ring all the bells Sing and tell the people everywhere

# That the flower has come. #

And while those five Crash Mountaineers

progress to the next round, what becomes of the seven losers?

Well, who cares?

Sorry, I misread that. Let me try it again.

Well, who cares if they were eliminated?

They're all still heroes to me. Apart from the irritating one.

I just...

MUSIC: Theme from Twin Peaks

I ran, and I dived, and I ran and I dived.

I couldn't get to grips with Crash Mountain.

The kung-fu cop got hooked and booked today.

He didn't come up with the goods.

It was just so hard. I tried my best.

I tried everything I could, every time.

I'm well fit, but you know what?

I'm well wet now.

I was fine, and then just seeing

the sweeper arm come in just made me veer off to the side.

I'm very upset.

I've no idea what happened up there.

I saw sun, I saw sky and then I just lost my memory.

It looks a lot easier than it is.

I'll tell you that, boys and girls.

I think Kel Can probably could win it. She's got a really good attitude.

Chris is a trooper. I'm right behind you.

-You go and get them, son.

-Good luck to all of them.

It's Dizzy Dummies. Got my check list here, so I'm going to check this.

A spinny thing that goes round for 40 seconds.

Check. Squirty man, the shapes.

Tippy table maze. Check.

Loser, check. And then, second time round it's more of the same spinning, crazy beams, ball tossers.

Check. Another loser. Check.

Three finalists, one of whom will get a big, fat cheque. Check.

Run, hide! Its big, it's scary, and it's about to wreak havoc on the contestants' stomachs.

It's Dizzy Dummies, and it's a beast.

-Are you ready?

-No!

-Yeah!

Rrrrr. Three, two, one!

As the longest 40 seconds of their lives begins,

it's time to meet them all over again.

She's a gymnast called Kayley.

If gymnastics was easy, it would be called football!

No, it would be called... Anyway, it's Grace Kayley.

He's cheeky, he's Northern.

I'm coming, I'm coming!

# It's Cheeky Northern Mikey. #

She sort of can and she's called Kel.

Kel Can knows exactly what she's going to do.

It's Sort Of Kel. Sort of. I think.

First, the Arctic, and now, Total Wipeout. Nowhere left to conquer.

One day, one dollar, one dream.

It's Paul of the Arctic.

He's my favourite, and I'm not just saying that.

As a scout, I'm always prepared.

But is this course prepared for me?

It's Chris the Beaver.

So, the Dizzy Dummies are released,

and immediately get a hosing from the squirty man.

Oh, that's Kel away. That's ridiculous. She sort of fell over.

And Kayley's off.

She's first through the shapes.

But three others are down.

Ooh, what happened there?

And Paul's through.

Kayley, first up onto the tippy table maze.

Edging her way along.

There goes Chris the Beaver.

Majestic sight. Oh, Kayley racing her way across there.

But Paul is hot on her heels. Oh, Cheeky Northern Mikey is in.

-I can't do it!

-Yes, you can.

She's so light!

She's not even moving the table. That's amazing!

How easy did she make that look? Kayley's first through to the next round.

Right. Who's going to be next over? Paul's looking good.

Here comes Mikey.

No, he took them both out!

Spikey's in trouble!

Mikey's still on the table, but how will he get out of that predicament?

Here comes Chris the Beaver. Come on, Chris...

looking good.

Oh, Mikey's through.

Yes!

So it's just a straight race between Chris and... Oh, he's in.

He'll have to go back to the start now. Not good.

OK, the lead handed to Kel. Oh no!

Come on, Paul! You're nearly there!

So Paul's go now, he is nearly there. Come on, just one jump.

Yes, and Paul of the Arctic is through.

Got to remain impartial here, but...

Come on, Chris!

Oh, Kel is coming down the outside.

And...she's made it!

That was fabulous!

But it does mean Chris the Beaver is out - life just isn't fair sometimes.

You used my counterweight!

Chris, I'm so proud of you for getting this far. Hard luck, my man.

-Go and sit down.

-Thank you very much.

See you later.

Just four survivors remain.

Who will be first to be sick?

Let's watch.

None of them, good.

So the spinner stops, Kayley is first out past Mr Squirty

and she is straight onto the shapes.

Kel close behind, or in front.

And she's through.

Ah. There's a tosser de las bolas.

The girls really are out in front.

Mikey at the back, Paul just getting on to the beams.

Sort Of Kel heading the field, with Kayley and Paul of the Arctic steaming down the outside.

They are getting a pounding from the tossers.

Kel, edging herself along the beam, being cautious, staying in front.

Here comes Mikey! Yes! What did he do there? Oh, I see.

With that duck into the water, it could be over for Mikey. This is serious.

If these three make it to the other side, Mikey will be out.

And Kel is first across.

She's in the Wipeout Zone.

Kayley and Paul queuing in a very British fashion.

Here comes Mikey with a last-ditch attempt.

Oh... Yes! And Kayley is through to the Wipeout Zone.

We have a two-girl final, people.

And Paul is through.

And that means there's no more Cheeky Northern Mikey.

Oh, Spikey Mikey, my poor little Spike!

Mwah!

What happened? You just weren't quick enough out of the gates?

Just wasn't quick enough. I didn't get off that bit quick enough.

Well done, hard luck. Go join the others, see you later.

Thank you, and good luck to these guys!

16 losers. Three finalists. One Wipeout Zone.

Just in case you're not appreciating what I'm doing here,

I'm establishing a witty pattern of saying a number

followed by a related fact.

I'll do some more. One Total Wipeout trophy, £10,000.

Um ... I've run out of numbers and stuff.

Hang on. Three finalists getting emotional.

I've found out that I am actually quite good at Total Wipeout.

I didn't think I'd get this far.

It's been a challenge, a hard challenge, and I'm in the final.

Feels absolutely amazing to be in the final.

Just kept going, thinking about the prize money, what it'll mean...

my friends, everyone at home.

All the kids I teach and all the girls at the gym already look up

to me, but I think they will even more now.

The kids are very supportive whatever I do,

and when I get home, they're going to be so proud that I have got here.

Four years older than my dad, and I can't imagine my dad getting

this far, so I think he's done really, really well.

Paul is a good competitor, but at the end of the day, he is an old guy.

Kayley, I feel really threatened by her, she's quick, she's nimble,

she's going to be good on the balancing part.

To be honest, in the opening rounds, I didn't fear her as a competitor, but once I saw her on Dizzy Dummies

whizzing past me, I started to realise how good she is.

Kelly is a threat to me, she is a very pumped up person, she is out to win.

I am worried about her, because she's so

determined and ambitious, she's not going to give up.

I do want to win. I don't want to do the Wipeout Zone for no reason,

cos it's the one I'm scared about.

If I win it - what a bonus.

And if I don't, that's the way it goes.

There's only one person that's going to win this final. Kel Can.

The Wipeout Zone starts with a terrifying tumble down the Killer Surf. Then it's the Rapid Climb,

a headlong dash with only ten seconds before the tidal wave is released.

Then it's the Seesaw of Truth to the Crazy Sweeper,

and a Rope Swing to the Turntable, and a final leap to the finish.

The fastest wins a massive trophy, and £10,000 towards a massive trophy cabinet.

What a feast we have for you tonight.

It's like a great big bloke sandwich.

On one side, we have Kelly.

On the other, we have Kayley.

And in the middle, like a slice of ham, we have Paul.

This is the Wipeout Zone, and Kayley is the first to go.

Gymnastics coach Kayley is graceful, but will she be fastest?

-Wish me luck!

-Good luck!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, not a smooth landing!

But then things rarely go smoothly on the Wipeout Zone.

Come on, Kayley!

She's in and must swim now to the Rapid Climb. Come on.

If she's not at the top in ten seconds,

a tidal wave will make it a whole lot worse.

It's a slow swim.

Come on.

Come on!

Almost up.

There. She's on, and the countdown begins.

Once she's on, she's quick.

Looking good. She's going to beat the tidal wave.

Yes. Onto the Seesaw.

This should be no problem for this gymnastics coach.

Just a case of balance.

Clearly, it is no problem.

Oh, she's not heavy enough to tip it!

There it goes. Great balance.

Cleared.

On to the crazy sweeper, taking a moment to compose herself.

Starting her run.

Careful! Took one to the head, but she's up again.

Come on, Kayley, this is looking good.

And she's across.

Kayley hasn't made a single error yet. Let's hope it stays that way.

She makes her swing.

Lands it smack bang in the centre of the Turntable,

Expertly done.

Just one jump to the finish podium now, and that's it.

Yes! Stops the clock on 1.37, a very fast Wipeout Zone run.

Kayley appeared to be dawdling a bit at the start,

but a near-perfect run save for that bonk on the head means Kelly has set a very hard benchmark to beat.

Come on out, my darling.

Oh, my goodness, I can't believe I was ever slightly worried about you!

I was worried myself!

-You breezed through that in 1.37.

-Did I?

-Yes! Would I lie to you, Kayley?

-No!

-Such a fantastic time, it is the time to beat, but Kelly is up next, and we know Kelly Can do.

-Kelly Can!

Let's watch.

Sort Of Kel needs to be sort of brilliant to beat Kayley.

Watch very closely.

This one's mine!

OK, good luck!

Wow, Kel's straight out of that ring and swimming towards the Rapid Climb.

That was a fast start.

She's going to have to put in a faultless performance

if she's going to beat Kayley's amazing 1.37. Come on.

-She's at the base of the Rapid Climb.

-Where's Kelly? There's Kelly!

Yes, she's up and on, and those ten seconds start ebbing away,

but Kel flying up the Rapid Climb.

That was very quick indeed. Onto the Seesaw.

Kel needs to focus here and stay balanced.

A fall here would be disastrous.

That's it. Reaches the tipping point.

Takes it in her stride.

And she's cleared it.

This is where Kayley lost a meagre few seconds.

Chance now for Kel to steal the lead.

Gets as close as she can and waits for her moment.

Off she goes.

Ducks.

This has to be it. Come on, Kel, this is quick.

Incredible, Kel's across neck and neck with Kayley now,

not that she knows it, of course.

She needs a good swing and a safe landing here.

The swing's good.

A bumpy landing. But Kel's up on her feet, this is really close.

One jump.

Wow, just three seconds slower than Kayley.

The Wipeout Zone can be so cruel.

It was a fantastic run.

But in the end, Sort Of Kel sort of couldn't. She's out of the running.

Time for Amanda to break that news.

Well done, Kelly!

Oh, my goodness! That was absolutely incredible, how are you feeling?

A little bit tired, but I'm all right.

There were but three seconds between you two.

Kelly, I'm afraid you were three seconds slower than Kayley!

Hard luck, Kelly, go join the others.

But Kayley, you know what this means!

I need Paul to fall off!

Yours is now the time to beat.

Let's watch Paul. Good luck.

Paul of the Arctic must now trek to the finishing pole in under 1.37.

I'm in the Total Wipeout final!

That's a good start, he knows where he is. Now get on with it.

Oh! Looks like a dose of whiplash on hitting the water there.

But Paul making a strong, focused swim to the Rapid Climb.

Time can be made up here.

He's a strong swimmer,

but that doesn't mean he's a strong runner.

Kayley and Kel both hurtled up this slope and beat the tidal wave.

Paul needs to do the same to be in with a chance of winning today.

The countdown starts and he's up, looking good.

That might have been even quicker than the other two, incredible.

Seesaw next.

Steady...

Another perfectly executed tip.

Paul is in with a strong chance here.

Crazy Sweeper, he cannot afford a fall here.

He sets off, is he going to duck?

No, he's trying to do it in one! This is ambitious!

Unbelievable! That was so close!

Paul's in the lead going into the Rope Swing.

He can't afford to slip up here.

And he's done it! Yes!

1.12, unbelievable!

Yes!

Well, Paul has every reason to be happy.

He's just won £10,000 with a flawless display on the Wipeout Zone.

But he didn't see the other two runs,

so he's about to get the good news.

How are you feeling, my man?

Tired! But great! That was good.

Paul, I have to tell you - Kayley, you have been the surprise little package here all day.

Paul, as you know, you're old enough to be Kayley's grandad.

But that has not stopped you here tonight, because you are the Total Wipeout champion!

So Paul Craig from Birmingham, a man who has conquered nearly everything,

will face one last challenge when he's joined by Kel and Kayley in the series final.

So it's goodbye from Amanda and me, but first, here are three reasons why you should watch next time.

Reason one.

Reason two.

And if there was any doubt...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd