Episode 5 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires. Tonight, 20 intrepid Brits, including a DJ,

a bus driver and a chief inspector, dare to take on the biggest obstacle course on the planet.

19 will leave with nothing but the tiny soaps they stole from the hotel.

One will walk away with £10,000...

and the tiny soaps they stole from the hotel.

Let the pummelling begin.

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

Now, only last week, I was asked once again, "Hammond,

"the Total Wipeout course looks big, but exactly how big is it?" they said.

"Well," I replied, "I don't have the foggiest.

"Now please stop pestering me." I hope that clears it up.

Let's see what the competitors face today.

The Qualifier - do or die.

Crash Mountain - run through or die.

Dizzy Dummies - spew or die.

The Wipeout Zone - just die.

With fireworks.

It's now time for me to hand over to a woman the Argentinians call El Presentor,

which, according to this dictionary, means...

the tomato.

Doesn't sound right, but it's in a book so it must be true.

Anyway, here she is, the tomato herself. It's Amanda Byram.

Cabin crew, cross check, stand by for landing,

cos I'm joined by Charlotte, who is a trolley dolly.

I'm really sorry for calling you "trolley dolly", because you're not just blonde

and bubbly and all smiles, are you?

I am, yes. Unfortunately, I'm a girly girl.

I love my lip gloss, hate getting my hair wet.

I'm just girly!

Fasten your seat belts, cos this is going to be a bumpy ride! Whoo!

The first obstacle that may cause a little turbulence for Charlotte will be the propellers.

She needs to make her way along the catwalk without being hit like that.

KLAXON BLARES

20-year-old Charlotte sets off.

As an air stewardess, she'll be used to working with narrow aisles and massive propellers. Probably.

Safely over the first one.

Yes! That's it, Charlotte.

Second set, and her hair is still intact. Oh...

Ooh, no, it's not any more.

Yeah, a swift departure for Charlotte as she makes an unscheduled landing.

Next it's the Sucker Punch.

Charlotte often plays it dumb to get what she wants,

but will her charm work on 20 vicious boxing gloves?

It's looking good so far. Come on, Charlotte!

It's not that I want to see her punched in the face, but...

I did!

Oh, my God!

Right on the schnozz. After that melee of massive fists, she probably won't need to play it dumb any more.

If she thinks keeping her hair out of the mud is a problem,

just wait till she gets a load of these.

The Argentinians call them "Las Bolas Grandes", which means...

I'll look it up.

"The funny onions". I'm really not sure about this dictionary.

I always thought they were the Big Balls.

Please put all mobile phones in the overhead lockers and turn off all your belongings.

That's the way they say it. That sort of thing. Anyway, Charlotte goes for it.

Oh! I think we'll need a bigger stylist.

She flies through the air with the greatest of ease,

then bounces through the air with the greatest of ease.

So now Airhead Charlotte must swim towards the final obstacle, the Cradles Of Doom.

# Rock-a-bye baby... #

She needs to clamber across them without falling off them like that.

She's safely onto the first cradle. But she can't stand up.

One more step to the front and you're in business.

I don't think she has a choice.

She's... Oh! Brace. Brace, brace. Prepare for an emergency landing.

At least she had a life jacket on.

Down to economy.

I'm afraid, Charlotte, you might have got your hair a bit wet there.

Oh... Regardless of that, Charlotte completes the course in a respectable 2 minutes 50 seconds.

I look awful! My hair!

It's going to take hours to redo! Oh, dear...

This is Mohammed from east London.

He loves Bollywood films and clearly loves dancing.

You kind of have a bit of a rugged, movie-hero look.

-Is there a sprinkling of action hero going on there?

-Yeah, a bit, yeah.

Yeah, I'm trying my best.

Yeah, whatever. Can Mohammed complete the Qualifier like a true action hero?

I'll be honest, I've not seen Bruce Willis do that.

But maybe off camera.

It's a cautious approach from the action hero.

He's trying to sneak up on it. Right in the Schwarzeneggers!

That's exactly how Jason Bourne would fall over.

-Just that style.

-Something's telling me he never swam before.

That's just like Jackie Chan's doggie paddle, if you look closely.

It's uncanny. Right, he was defeated by one propeller.

What are the chances he'll get past two? He's on.

He's hit.

He's hit again. And he's down again.

Ah, magnificent. No stunt double required for this James Bond.

Look at him go!

Double 0 Mo looking a bit tired. What's he doing?

But this lady isn't.

It's embarrassing mum Kelly.

Can you hear that? That's the sound of her two daughters cringing.

World's most embarrassing mum goes international!

-Yeah!

-I wonder why her kids are embarrassed.

I don't know! I'm embarrassed, and she's not my mum! So it begins.

What can she possibly do that would be embarrassing on here?

Well, that's a good start. Legs out, bum in the air, face plant.

Beautiful work!

Her daughters Georgia Young and Becky Young must be feeling a bit awkward.

That's them hiding behind the sofa.

That's Georgia Young and Becky Young of Pontypool. That's your mum we're all looking at there!

Kelly, I hope you're recording this so you can show it to your children's mates

over and over again.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Steven from Leek,

who I think it would be fair to say is a bit of a water baby.

Steven, what is it that you do?

I'm a lifeguard and swimming instructor.

Steven obeys the no-running rule.

Oh, I hope his swimming's better than his running.

Now, propeller time. Yeah, now he runs.

Oh! And that's why running is prohibited.

# He's the greatest He's fantastic

# Wherever there is danger... #

There's no bombing, either, by the way. Or petting.

All of Steven's lifeguarding skill coming to the fore here.

Steven also teaches children to swim at his local leisure centre.

Remember, with breaststroke you need to cut the pizza, round the pizza.

If we're doing front crawl, you have to scoop up the ice cream.

OK, so can this half-man, half-fish,

fish-man thing take on two propellers?

Oh. No. Not really.

Oh, come on, Steven, cut the pizza!

Cut the pizza!

Are your family supporting you back home?

No, not really. No-one is.

Everyone thinks I'm going to be hospitalised.

Steven's managed to lose a whopping four stone in the last three years,

so will his new, svelte frame propel him over the Big Balls?

Here we go. Ohh... Oh.

Cut the pizza? Scoop the ice cream!

# He's the greatest He's fantastic

# Wherever there is danger He'll be there... #

So the lifeguard can't do the job.

What we need is a real athlete.

-And here she comes.

-Meep-meep!

-Oh, she's gone.

There she is! No, wait. She's there. No, there. Oh, forget it.

Ah, here she is.

I've got the fast name, I'm no dizzy dummy.

It's time for some cool runnings, cos I'm too fast for you.

Right... This contestant's name is Annalese Ferrari, and she is fast.

CRASH, SCREAM

Ah. Looks like the Sucker Punch has slowed her down a bit.

Annalese recently ran a mile in 5 minutes and 14 seconds,

so I imagine she's about to go really, really fast.

Well, this is a let-down.

Yep, she's going to go fast any minute now.

Come on, hit the gas!

There we go. Here she goes. Oh.

She's not enjoying that. She'll have flooded the engine.

And that seems to be too much for Annalese.

And who can blame her?

Cut the pizza, slice the pizza, eat the pizza.

Sorry, just doing a bit of swimming practice.

I can't understand why I'm not losing weight.

So that's really sad news about Annalese. She had to drop out.

Shame life-saver Steven wasn't there to help.

Just goes to show again that the Wipeout course is far from easy.

You need discipline, you need courage in the face of danger and you need a truncheon.

And what a coincidence, look who's next! It's a chief inspector!

Is there anything that you are afraid of out here today?

The only thing I don't like is if there's anything under the water in there.

So as long as there's no sharks under there...

I'll be quite worried if there are.

Well, we can't promise anything, but the locals do affectionately call it the Pool Of Death.

Chief Inspector Lesley has tested the water already, and it's safe.

Maybe she's learnt. Maybe she's got the hang of it now. Here we go.

Oh, no, no, she just ran straight into that one.

Yep, she copped it on that one.

Lesley feels the long arm of Total Wipeout.

What's up next, then, Chief Inspector?

Ah, it's the big, red balls. Come on, ma'am, on you go.

Yes, bounces. Oh, keeps bouncing.

Keeps bouncing. And there she goes.

That looked fun! I want a go.

Just the Cradles Of Doom to go now.

Lesley takes a big run-up. Ooh...

She's on.

Ooh, a bit wobbly, though.

Oh! And the next one. One more jump left.

Can Lesley remain dry?

Oh, Lesley took a bit of a stumble, and she's in the water again.

Not her favourite place. The podium just within arm's reach.

Oh, what's that? No, Lesley, quick, get out!

We needed a lifeguard. You'll do.

Swim, Lesley, swim! Do something!

Look, that's just silly. I mean, clearly she hasn't been eaten by a... She has gone, though.

Raaaaaar!

Too late, Steven, too late.

She's not actually there. Oh, hang on, she is! Oh!

-Well done, team. Well done, all.

-I did it!

I can't take the drama any more.

Let's go to a leaderboard.

Airhead Charlotte storms ahead in first place,

Double 0 Mo in second.

Shark Bait Lesley takes third, and Embarrassing Kelly is in fourth.

Life-Saver Steven is in fifth and, sadly, Annalese threw in the towel.

Next, please.

This is Harry. He's 60 and quite scary.

I've never read a book in me life.

-I were no good at school, couldn't do anything.

-This is Lawrence.

He's also 60 and used to be a butler to the Queen.

Fellow contestants and great British viewing public,

please welcome the sizzlingly hot Amanda Byram!

HE LAUGHS

That's not funny. I quite like her, actually. So, two 60-year-olds from two very different backgrounds.

Who will win? Learned Lawrence sets off first.

Smart jump over the first propeller. Slips up, but recovers.

Doing well for his age. Oh, no, he's had a bit of a fall.

Quite a lot of a fall.

In fact, that is one heck of a face plant for a man of 60.

So it's a game of nature versus nurture,

Hard Nut Harry doing it for all the less learned people out there.

Unfortunately, that's one point to education thus far.

It's a good effort from Harry, but he gets it right in the mohican.

Will Learned Lawrence

have read enough about fists and punching to avoid a beating?

No. He needs to read a few more books about punching, I think.

So Lawrence takes a hit to the belly, and gets a right old face-full of mud for his trouble.

Hard Nut Harry on the Sucker Punch - this should be easy.

Harry was educated at the school of hard knocks.

No problem, I'm sure.

Oh, look at that. He likes it.

He's over, a great run from Harry. The Big Balls to go.

Harry will be using what he learned from the University of Life.

I don't think he learned that there.

# Don't know much about history. #

Never read a book in his life,

and now he's never traversed the Big Red Balls, either.

Learned Lawrence's turn.

Not a good look. The Queen won't be impressed.

Will he have learned a lesson from Harry's run?

HE YELLS

Nope! Not really.

That is one better than Harry, and he did it with a lot of grace.

He could be carrying a tray.

Can we finally answer the question that's been baffling philosophers for centuries?

Will it be nature or will it be nurture?

Will it be Hard Nut Harry or Learned Lawrence?

Oh, there's nothing in it, really.

Except Lawrence was quicker.

By about a minute.

Hi, I'm Miss Ladybug.

I'm cute, nippy, I'm going to fly round this course.

This is 24-year-old Rachel from Wiltshire.

-Come on, my little ladybug.

-And as creepy-crawlies do well...

Oh, no! She's down.

-Hang on tight!

-Forget ladybugs.

Rachel has the resilience of a cockroach. I don't mean that personally, Rachel.

That nearly squashed her flat.

But she's still managing to swim in a straight line, so maybe it's not as bad as it looks.

No, it was. It was every bit as bad as it looked, in fact.

Creepy-crawly Rachel crawls up the ramp to the Big Balls.

Time to unfurl those wings now.

-Do ladybugs pee on you?

-Let's hope not.

Oh, the motivator is moving, but Rachel is safely onto ball one.

That's it, like a little ladybug.

She's up and going for ball two, and she's on.

Now, three.

Oh, this is incredible!

Creeping and crawling her way to victory, onto the fourth ball.

This will go down as one of the greatest ball crossings in history.

No, jinxed it, sorry.

-Stuck between a ball and a hard place.

-She's going to bend in half!

Amanda tries to use telekinesis to urge her over.

No...

23-year-old gymnastics coach Jade should have the skills to cross the balls.

Here we go. First one.

Second one, oh, touched the third one!

Jade's training to be a stuntwoman, so this is all pretty good practice for her.

Onto the Cradles Of Doom.

Can she make it across?

Gymnast, stuntwoman. I'm pretty hopeful.

She's got one sock on and one sock off.

So that's where all the missing socks go. I'm getting mine back.

Sockless or not, she's made it onto the first cradle.

Just a stunt jump to the second.

Yes, she's made it. She may only have one sock, but can Jade with one sock make one big final stunt jump?

Oh, no. I blame the sock.

10 people left.

Oh, this guy looks tough.

Like a trucker, or a biker, or maybe a nightclub bouncer.

But he's actually a computer analyst called Neil.

Are you really brainy?

I'm a bit of a tactician. I've done a lot of research on the course.

I reckon I can do it in two-and-a-half minutes.

I think Neil's analytical skills are a tiny wee bit off.

He's already passed the two-and-a-half minute mark,

and he's only just reached the Cradles Of Doom.

Come on, Neil!

-He's on.

-No, I don't mean KNEEL.

No, I know what you mean.

Now, Neil's brain is analysing thousands of pieces of data.

Calculating speed, distance, momentum, trajectory, wind direction.

All of these things to get this one move just right.

I think he over-analysed that.

Now, Total Wipeout is a competition entirely free of gender discrimination.

Oh, yes. On this course, men and women compete against each other for the same prize.

So you could say, in many ways, that makes this show better than the Olympics. Or the World Cup.

Or even the boardrooms of the FTSE 100 companies.

Yes, look at me. I'm doing satire.

Can I go back to doing puns about fishmongers now?

Time to test the gender stereotypes and see who is better, the alpha males or the girly girls.

Representing the girls, firstly there is 24-year-old Russian-born Olga.

Flipping heck, she's built like a brick sh... Shed. A brick shed.

And then there's Katie, a pole-dancing instructor who's also built like a brick shed.

Time to show the boys how it's done and bust some big, red balls.

Boom!

This is war, boys.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Yes, I am afraid, really.

Bring on the alpha males.

Here, finally, some real masculinity on the show.

Wearing red is DJ Tred from London.

And in the headband, it is student Tom from Halifax.

My man-dial is off the scale, you know?

Testosterone, I'm swimming in it!

Let's see if four balls are better than two. Woof!

Let the battle of the sexes commence.

Olga getting things under way for the girls. She jumps the propeller.

Oh, nasty.

I think that dented the foam.

Now DJ Tred for the men.

A dainty skip over the propeller. Second set now.

Oh, ah. Not so dainty that time.

Look at his manly hair, swishing through the air like he's in a shampoo advert.

Because you're worth it, Tred.

Back to the girls, and here comes Katie.

-Still a bit scared of her, if I'm honest.

-Doing it for us chicks.

On to the second set. Oh, took a big hit there.

And nearly managed to hang on,

but didn't. No.

Olga's go on the second set now.

-Oh!

-Olga!

-Olga there doing the worm.

Lot of pain there, I imagine.

Finally, for the boys, manly Tom. First set, completed like a man.

Second set now.

Some girly skipping, and he's across.

Tom's bang up for this, look at that, an extra leap for nothing.

On to the Sucker Punch. Takes a manly hit to the face.

Doesn't feel it or show it.

Amazing Manly Tom is yet to fall.

So far, he hasn't touched any mud or water.

Oh...

Manly Tom will be livid at that.

He got his hair band all wet.

Brick Shed Olga attempts to teach the Big Balls who's boss now.

I should think they're scared.

As always, the Big Balls are boss.

Next for the girls - sorry, I mean, the guys - it's Dainty Tred.

A big run-up...

And a big fall.

I think he just scratched the deck.

Here's an extended remix of DJ Tred's Big Balls fall. Look at that.

Went completely off his face.

How are you going to get over those big, red balls?

I've got a theory.

It's a bit like trampolining.

-Jump, bend the knees, jump, bend the knees.

-OK, theories are good.

Remember, jump, bend the knees, jump, bend the knees.

Good jumping. Good knee-bending.

Oh, a bit of a wobble, but Katie is still on.

Oh, she is just a knee-bend and a jump from crossing. And there it is!

Katie finally discovered the secret to the Big Balls.

It's jumping and knee-bending.

Now she takes her method to the Cradles Of Doom, and it looks to be working.

Oh, she is on to the second. One more jump for an incredible end to Katie's qualifier.

This is going to be some time if she makes it. And she does!

1 minute 27 seconds, one of the fastest times this series.

Manly Tom now. Can he compete with Katie and show her why he is a man?

Oh. No.

Can DJ Tred?

No.

He can't, either.

Olga completes the qualifier in a none-too-bad three minutes four seconds.

Tred finishes in a pretty good time to match his pretty hair.

And Manly Tom storms home in 1 minute 29, just two seconds behind Katie.

But it's Katie who comes out on top today.

Time for a leaderboard update.

Katie Who I'm Scared Of rockets into the top spot, with Manly Tom and Dainty Tred in second and third.

Jade With One Sock is fifth, Brick Shed Olga is in eighth.

Things are looking dicey for Analytical Neil, hanging on there in 12th place.

Just five contestants to go.

Now, the next two, Sarah and Andy, have something in common.

FARTING NOISES

That's right. They both like ridiculous headwear.

And they have both come to have a go on these.

Remember, if you smell gas, never light a naked flame.

Off goes Andy. The 36-year-old satellite engineer gets AERIAL - see what I did?

-Ow! Not so lucky that time.

-Not so handy, Andy!

At least he's already wearing a swimming hat. Now we know why.

Here is 30-year-old water polo fanatic Sarah.

Protective headgear didn't really help with that low blow, did it?

Bandana Andy has come on Total Wipeout to impress his daughters.

There you go.

That headgear won't impress anyone. And neither will that.

That will make them proud.

Mind you, actually being able to play the Big Balls is impressive, and hard at such speed.

I spend most of my time playing with little balls!

It's about time I had a go on your big, red ones.

OK, so let's see how she gets on here.

He we go. Onto the first.

She's onto the second. But she's sliding... She's slid...

Slid off.

Who's that? Oh, that is Band Andy, but he has ditched the bandana.

A true master of disguise.

Oh, but not a true master of the Cradles Of Doom.

Silly Hat Sarah on the cradles now, hat still intact.

Now she's only got one jump left to reach the finishing podium.

Incredible! Two minutes, six seconds.

She shoots, she scores.

Hopefully that's the last piece of ridiculous headgear for today.

Oh, what?!

A luminous headband? Come on!

Anyway, this is Ivor. He's a bus driver.

What route will Ivor The Driver be taking around the course today?

I'll be taking the straight route all the way.

All the way down the course, straight.

All the way. All the way.

If you didn't catch that, Ivor will be taking the straight route

all the way, all the way down the course.

Straight along the course.

Oh, and straight into the podium.

Maybe it was part of the plan.

It looks like Ivor tripped over his own feet and then head-butted the podium.

Good news for Ivor - it appears that propellers are like buses.

Two have come along at the same time, and there's nobody on them.

Oh, dear.

At least he didn't trip over his own feet that time.

Ivor at the Big Balls now. He accelerates up the hill.

Come on, Ivor.

Oh, first stop, second stop, third stop, oh!

Just run out of diesel just short of the final destination. Shame, that.

This is today's penultimate contestant, Fiona from Hinckley.

He she's just a normal, run-of-the-mill sales representative who believes in aliens.

Aliens exist. I am absolutely convinced that they exist, because there is so much evidence.

Cave drawings showing people wearing what looks like body suits.

Aliens must have visited the planet at some point.

It's really not...?

No, OK.

OK. May Fiona Be With You is about feel the force on the Sucker Punch.

Will she live long and prosper?

No. Not after a lungful of that brown gloop, she won't.

There's an alien! No, it is her.

You see? That's how it happens.

It's not all bad news for Fiona. Today's guest puncher is William Shatner!

He's not, so you know.

That reminds me, Creature From The Black Lagoon is on tomorrow, I must set the box.

I think she's enjoying this, though.

Yoda!

-Who said that?

-Yoda!

How's she doing that?

That's it, Fiona!

May Fiona Be With You is onto the Big Balls now.

This is going to be just like Close Encounters Of The Third Kind.

I hope for her sake it's not a close encounter of the motivator kind.

It's there and ready, but she doesn't need it. Away she goes.

Oh, ho, ho!

May Fiona Be With You made a bid for the stars, but then pesky gravity took over, as it often does.

At least that'll wash the mud off.

Splashdown! So just the Cradles of Doom to go.

Live long and prosper, Fiona!

Amanda can actually do the Vulcan death grip, you know. For real.

You can do it, Fiona!

Encouraging words when faced with a ladder.

It's the Cradles of Doom I'd be more worried about.

-She takes a run-up, and she's onto the first one.

-So close.

Can Fiona boldly go where only Katie Who I'm Scared Of,

Learned Lawrence and Hard Nut Harry have gone before?

-Think of it as the mother ship.

-No.

That was not the mother ship!

No, no, I could probably have told you that, but you wouldn't have believed me.

Same thing with crop circles.

So, despite that tumble, Fiona finishes in a whopping 5 minutes 39 seconds

-which is the slowest so far today.

-Beam me up!

What?

That's so unfair! Why did she get beamed up? What about me?

I've wanted to be abducted by aliens for ages! I even made this hat.

Come on, take me, please.

Hold on...

This is today's final contestant, Gideon.

He likes to perform in historical re-enactments.

And he likes dressing up as a pirate.

Are you excited to be here?

A little nervous, but definitely going to enjoy it.

Oh, you seem a little bit shy.

Are you sure you're in the right place, Gideon?

Um, well, a little bit...

A little bit edgy about this, but...

Good morrow to thee, fair lords and ladies!

Art thou ready to be entertained?

If so, then let the entertainment commence!

Yeah, whatever! I love this guy.

Come on, Gideon, show us what you can do.

Oh, hang on.

Hang on, Gideon the Barbarian! Rrr!

Well, the barbarian took one heck of a knock, but managed to hang on.

Now he just needs to avoid the next propeller.

Oh, no! He didn't.

Still going, he just needs to watch out for the next...

How is he still going?

He has got legs of steel.

But he has made it! In bits, but there.

Despite taking four knocks, he makes it past the propellers.

Watch out, Sucker Punch, here comes Gideon the Barbarian.

Don't hit my Gideon.

You shouldn't encourage it like that.

Poor Gideon took a bit of a broadside there.

What's he doing with his blindfold? That won't help.

Can you see, Gideon?

What is it with today's show?

Is this the ridiculous headwear special and nobody told me?

It's the Big Balls now. And problems with the trousers.

I'm not going to make any jokes now, because it would be inappropriate.

It seems barbarian costumes are excellent at retaining mud.

Can somebody get him a belt?

He looks like he's had an accident in the toilet.

A pretty huge accident in a pretty enormous toilet...

Let's leave it.

Here comes the Barbarian.

That was very dramatic.

Is he wearing a headband or a blindfold?

His trousers are full of water.

This is a wardrobe nightmare.

Aside from dressing up as a Barbarian,

Gideon's other passion is cake decorating -

another skill which is utterly useless right now.

But he is on to the first cradle. Just.

Now the second... Yes, he makes it. Come on, Gideon.

A big finish will be the icing on this cake.

Yes!

Gideon the Barbarian completes the qualifier in 2:48.

And that's enough to see him through to the next round.

So, Katie Who I'm Scared Of finishes top of the leaderboard,

with Manly Tom and Dainty Tred in second and third.

Learned Lawrence, Silly Hat Sarah and Jade With One Sock

are in fourth, fifth and sixth,

with Band Andy, Ivor the Driver and Hard Nut Harry just behind them.

Finally, Gideon the Barbarian,

Airhead Charlotte, and Brick Shed Olga

have scraped into the top 12 and qualified for Crash Mountain.

So, 12 contestants will continue on their quest

to win today's Total Wipeout,

but, sadly, for the other eight, I have to say goodbye,

so long, farewell,

bonjour, guten tag, namaste, aloha,

hola, who needs this?

Losers, we will never forget you.

# What can you do

# When nothing you do

# Will ease your troubled mind?

# And where do you go

# When you come

# To the end...

# Of

# The line...

Have the weaklings gone yet? Good.

Right, next, Crash Mountain.

A long time ago, in a galaxy relatively close to Argentina,

a strange object with a spoony bit

landed, unbeknownst to humankind, in a suburb of Buenos Aires.

For a while, the locals worshipped it for as an offering from the gods.

Until one man, Eduardo, realised its full potential,

put it in a swimming pool, and called it Crash Mountain.

The only remaining lifeforms left when this round is over

are the five that reach the middle.

Standing atop wobbly plinths one, two, and three

are Brick Shed Olga, Learned Lawrence...

Harry, it's the oldies against the babies!

And Dainty Tred.

I can't... I can't feel my face.

That's because you did this. It'll come back. Eventually.

Standing on podium four, it's Manly Tom.

I'm going to dance, prance and mince my way to the middle.

Yeah, he is going to do that, yeah.

On five, six, seven and eight, it's Silly Hat Sarah...

Ivor the Driver,

Katie...

I climb poles, I don't get knocked in by poles.

..who I'm still scared of, and Band Andy.

Kate, the only pole you're going on is the South Pole.

She's going to hurt you. Oh, well.

On podiums nine, 10 and 11, Hard Nut Harry...

Lawrie, we might be the two OAPs, but I'll see you in the middle.

-..Airhead Charlotte...

-I'm preparing for a crash landing!

..and Gideon the Barbarian.

Fortune favours the bold,

and I'm going to need all the luck I can get to beat this lot.

I think you'll be surprised, Gideon.

Finally, on 12, it's Jade With One Sock.

Boys, you're going down!

Right now, we have 12 contestants, but we only need five.

What's a girl to do?

If only we had a terrifying means of brutally slashing the numbers.

Oh, wait, we do! It's Crash Mountain!

Are you all ready!

-Yes!

-No!

Me too. Three, two, one...

HOOTER

So, Crash Mountain begins.

Who will be the first to take on this revolving beast?

Sarah, straight into the water. Now, Learned Lawrence.

No, not clever. Manly Tom.

That's the worst-timed jump I've ever seen.

I'm not sure it was THAT funny.

No, it wasn't, we're over it now.

Tom clearly didn't look both ways before he jumped.

Head nearly taken clean off.

Now Katie tries...

and misses the paddle entirely.

Here's Jade With One Sock, running.

Oh, just not in the right direction.

Just running off into the water.

Olga now, sinks like a brick shed.

Ivor the Driver...

If only they stopped leaning to the right.

Wise words, Amanda. Yeah, you want to lean to the left.

To the left, Gideon.

To the left, Lawrence.

What's going on? Ah, Charlotte's done it, finally.

Stays low, dodging the sweeping arm, and again.

Struggling now to get to her feet.

It's all in the timing.

That was nasty, but somehow she's still...

No, no, she's off.

Very much off.

She had the wind knocked out of her sails

and probably the air knocked out of her head, too.

Now you see her,

and now you don't.

Back to the action.

Silly Hat Sarah's on to the spoony bit.

A close brush with the sweeping arm...

Oh! Ow.

I don't think Sarah's silly hat would have helped here.

She got hit on the... well, on the bottom.

OK, now Tred's going for it.

I think he might do this.

Preparing to run.

Ooh!

I'll save you from a "Tredding" carefully pun...

You need to "Tred" carefully.

Thank you, yes, that's the one. DJ Tred really carving his own niche.

Here's a remix of another one of his truly spectacular dismounts.

Right, Olga now, she's on, already an improvement on her first attempt.

Olga! Olga! Olga!

Someone's been giving Amanda jelly babies again, she just goes berserk.

Come on, Olga!

Right, Olga's up, and Olga's off.

Almost immediately. Yep, straight away.

Jade, opting for the leg-it approach, and she's on!

That was so quick, barely time to see it!

Jade's bold approach paid off,

and she's the first to make it into the next round.

And she appears to have found her sock.

Now, I can tell by the shorts that's Band Andy on the paddle.

That and the fact that everyone's saying his name.

He's up, he's running, he's on. Yes, Andy joins Jade in the middle.

That's two through to the Dizzy Dummies.

Learned Lawrence making a bid to join them.

Can he use his intelligence to make it to the middle?

Now we'll see how it works...

Oh, no. Wiped out.

The 60-year-old may well need a hip replacement after that.

That's where it gets you, in the hip. Always is.

This is Charlotte now, staying low, avoiding the Bone Crusher.

Slow to get to her feet, though.

Yeah, that was inevitable.

Such delicate poise in times of utter disaster.

Now you see her, now you don't.

-Who's next?

-Ivor! "Ivor" feeling you're going to do it!

Yes, thank you, Ivor giving it a go.

Keep your feelings to yourself, Amanda. You've cursed him.

Finally, the Barbarian. Gideon, on to the plank.

Shuffling now. Shuffling closer to the centre...

And it goes all wrong for him.

The Barbarian takes on the spinning beast of Buenos Aires...

and loses.

So, who's still playing?

Dainty Tred, Manly Tom,

Learned Lawrence, Silly Hat Sarah,

Brick Shed Olga, Ivor the Driver,

Hard Nut Harry, Airhead Charlotte,

Katie Who I'm Scared Of

and Gideon the Barbarian.

Ivor the Driver back on the rotating platform.

Veering to the right again.

Ooh, but somehow makes it to the middle!

Just two places left, then, and Hard Nut Harry wants one of them.

He ducks, he sprints, and the hard nut's cracked it!

They have been watching and learning.

Harry's made it through to the Dizzy Dummies, just one place left.

That's Tred, and he wants it.

Here he goes, and he's got it!

It's game over for everyone else, because we've got the final five.

Don't they make you proud?

# England!

Nah.

As we wave goodbye to Crash Mountain with one hand,

we wave hello to the next round with the other.

But then we need to wave a final farewell

to the seven contestants who fell by the wayside.

Er... Ah!

Right. It's Dizzy Dummies.

This nose alone took a beating today.

That ten grand would have paid for a piece of plastic surgery.

Disappointed that I didn't get further, but what can you say?

Angry. I'm actually really angry.

I am absolutely gutted. I feel gutted.

It's exhausting, trying to stop yourself shaking.

It is just so fast, so quick.

I'd suit Dizzy Dummies, because I am a dizzy girl.

# Farewell, my friend...

SCREAM

This is what Dizzy Dummies is made of today.

A sickening 40-second long spin,

a waddle through the Back Door on the rotating platform,

a hazardous dash over the log run,

then the first four across get to do it all over again,

but they must complete the Barrel Run

whilst getting balls tossed in their faces by Los Tossas de Ballas.

What's guaranteed to make you most sick?

A chronic case of dysentery or a couple of goes of Dizzy Dummies?

Have you not been paying attention? It's Dizzy Dummies!

Are you all ready?

Yes!

Three, two, one...!

And off they go.

I just hope they don't spew,

because that will set Amanda off, which is guaranteed to make me...

Yeah.

Jade With One Sock, the wannabe stunt woman, first on to Crash Mountain.

Then there's Band Andy.

I can't be 100% sure his bandana is under that helmet,

which makes me strangely uneasy.

Ivor the Driver has been on a few roundabouts in his bus,

but none as fast as this. I hope.

There's Hard Nut Harry.

I hope his stomach's as tough as his general demeanour.

And finally, there's the back of Tred's head.

The front is not a pretty sight at the moment.

In fact, it's not a pretty sight at any time, really.

So, the spinning stops and the drenching begins.

It's one man and his hose time.

# Shaft

# Damn right...

He thinks he looks good doing that. It's a bit chaotic out there,

Jade's first through the Back Door and off in the wrong direction.

Ivor's through too and gets a bumpy landing.

A bum-bruise for the bus driver.

Tred and Harry squeeze through.

And so it's log-run time.

Jade's first attempt, skips a couple... Ooh!

And executes a convincing stunt fall.

Here comes Tred, this is looking good.

Oh no, that looked ugly at the end.

Plants a kiss on the finish line.

The hard nut's off...

Oh... And the hard nut's off.

Is that a tooth flying through the air there?

Ivor takes a run up... Oh, followed by a trip up.

Can he hang on? No, he can't.

Tred's back for more.

At least that wasn't as painful as the first time round,

but still sore, I suspect.

Band Andy goes for it... Oh, oh, oh...

An incredible performance.

He is through to round two of Dizzy Dummies

and quite pleased about it.

Tred back for more pain, but this time, no pain and all gain.

Tred joins Andy. Two places left.

Hard Nut Harry again.

Oh!

Earning his nickname there.

Overstretched himself.

He'll feel that in the morning and probably right now too.

Ivor the Driver sets off.

Difficult route, but he's doing well

and he makes it across!

Interesting landing strategy. I think he learnt that off a seal.

A bus-driving seal.

SEAL BARKING

Now, only one of Harry or Jade will make it through.

And it's not Harry this time.

Hard Nut Harry went completely ankles over head.

Jade With One Sock takes a run-up.

And, oh, prances straight into the water.

Harry again now, this is getting tense.

He makes it to the final log,

stopped only by his thighs or something.

Must be doing himself some damage.

Jade skips across again... Oh!

They really are going for it, desperate play.

They want that place, but Jade and Harry

must be completely drained by now.

Only one of them can make it through to the next Dizzy Dummies,

which is it to be? Hang on, it looks like Jade's limping.

The klaxon sounds.

She's bruised all her knee.

-I think Jade's injured.

-She's hurt her knee.

Yes, thank you, doctor.

That is really bad news for Jade.

The doctors took a look at her knee and ruled her out of the competition.

Great news for Harry, though,

who joins Andy, Ivor and Tred on the Barrel Run.

It is carnage out there today.

Good job I'm safe in here.

It's all right, I'm fine.

I'm OK. It's OK, hurts.

So the four boys, Harry, Tred, Ivor and Andy

get strapped in for another 40 seconds of fun.

Just look at their happy little faces, they're liking this.

OK, here we go and they're off.

Hardly bursting onto the course, are they?

Tred strolls into an early lead, straight through the Back Door.

Hard Nut Harry closing in.

Then Ivor's through.

And finally Andy.

Dainty Tred has made the second barrel.

Here come Las Tossas Del Ballas. Living the Argentinian dream,

getting paid to knock British people off stuff.

Ivor's off.

Ivor the Driver couldn't quite hang on.

Tred jumps but slips under his log, it's back to the start for him.

-So Harry now taking the lead.

-Come on, Harry.

He got him in the face!

Harry receiving the sole attention of the dodgeballers.

Nice to have something to concentrate on. Andy's there too.

Harry jumps.

I forgot to tell you, those barrels have been greased.

Which doesn't help!

That's what grease does, makes it go slippy.

# Ta-ra-ra boom-dee ay...

Tred back on the barrels again, along with Band-Andy.

That's got to be annoying.

This isn't the place to hang around.

Andy makes a run for it...

Slips on the final barrel.

That Union Jack like a red rag to those Argentinians,

not a shot missed.

So, Tred back in the lead.

He leaps and somehow manages to miss...

the finish podium, with everything but his face.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

MUSIC GOES OFF-KEY

Ivor, now, takes the lead...

For about a second.

Meanwhile, Andy's still getting a pummelling from the dodgeballers.

It's the Union Jack.

Takes an direct hits on the Union Jack-sey. Pants of steel.

Andy, pay attention, there's £10,000 at stake here, come on!

That talk of money has motivated Harry, he edges to the final barrel.

That seems to spark Andy into action...

A bit too much action there.

He was better off enjoying that that little lie down.

Harry attempts to be the first across the barrel run... And fails.

Yes, oh!

I'm going to be here forever, aren't I?

-Dizzy Dummies continues.

-I've a sore head now.

Ivor in front.

Oh, and out of nowhere, he's done it!

Will someone please stop giving Amanda jelly babies,

she gets giddy, that's not funny any more.

Two places left in the final round.

Tred appears to really want one of them.

He's putting everything on the line. And I mean everything!

The dodgeballers have really found their range.

That's just irritating. Poor Tred, black and blue all over.

But Dainty Tred, I think still undaunted.

Big jump required here.

Yes! Tred takes the second spot in the Wipeout Zone,

he's through to the final. Oh, what happened there?

Easily done. When you stop concentrating.

I don't believe it! Someone else has got hurt.

If this carries on, we'll have Amanda doing the Wipeout Zone.

It seems Tred, having completed the course

and earned his place in the Wipeout Zone,

has gone over on his ankle and been ruled out of the competition.

That means Band Andy and Hard Nut Harry

automatically qualify for the Wipeout Zone.

We have the finalists, sort of by default.

Still, bad things come in threes - that's me, Jade and Tred.

Nothing else can go wrong today. Touch wood...

It's been awesome, absolutely awesome.

To get to the Wipeout Zone is a dream come true.

It's been tough, brutal, demanding - mentally and physically.

I've surprised myself, I weren't expecting to get this far.

Not with all the young people that are here.

My wife is going to be so proud

her slightly overweight husband has got as far as he's got.

There were times I felt like throwing the towel in,

but my determination and will power got me through.

I'm here sweetheart, look at me.

If I was a betting man, I'd put all the money on me.

Harry is the ultimate 60-year-old.

60's only a number, it makes no difference.

He does a lot of training and stuff.

If I was to win Total Wipeout, it would mean everything.

It would mean everything!

My ultimate goal is to win it and hopefully, tonight will be my night.

I'll be there at the end to take that big cheque.

For my mum and dad. I'm going to give it to my all, 110%.

Hopefully, I can see it through to the finish.

Friends thought I'd fall at the first.

My wife didn't think I'd make the first.

As for my kids, they always back Daddy 100%.

I'm just going to go out there, give it my all

and show them young lads how an old fella can really go for it.

Tonight's Wipeout Zone - the stomach-churning Killer Surf.

The nail-biting Rapid Climb.

The hair-raising See-Saw of Truth.

The buttock-clenching Crazy Sweeper.

The arm-knackering Rope Swing.

The head-spinning Turntable

and the finger-pressing button thing.

Fastest across wins.

A wise woman once said, "Where have all the heroes gone?

"Where are all the gods?"

No need to hold out for a hero any more,

we've got three right here tonight.

It's the Wipeout Zone and Harry is the first to brave it.

Come on! Oldest man in this... In the... Power Zone. Come on!

I didn't understand that but he's a hard nut to crack.

It's Hard Nut Harry.

HEARTBEAT

He's in, so off Harry swims.

Hurry up, Harry.

He heads over to the Rapid Climb,

where he will have to pull himself up despite the raging torrents.

Once on, Harry has ten seconds to reach the top,

or else a tidal wave will be released

and get him, the countdown's begun.

Bit of a stumble but Hard Nut Harry's looking good.

And he has beaten the Tidal Wave. On to the See-Saw of Truth now.

Needs excellent balance here, obviously.

Also rightly cautious of the tipping point when it goes over,

hoping it doesn't take him off. There it is,

-Harry edges down the slope, he's across.

-Harry!

Crazy Sweeper, what approach will the hard nut take?

Starts with a dash, and then a duck.

Harry waits a moment longer...

and he's off again.

And down again. Cautious stuff but he's not fallen yet.

Get up!

He's sprinting across the podium,

the sweeper's closing in, Harry, quick!

Ooh! Ooh! Makes it by a hair's breadth.

And now the Rope Swing. Harry grapples with the knot.

Needs a lot of upper-body strength for this.

I think he'll probably have what it takes.

Bullseye! Hard Nut Harry lands bang in the middle of the turntable.

Only one gap to traverse - he's done it.

Hard Nut Harry gets across in 2:17.

Come on!

Harry didn't fall off a single obstacle, so for now, he is the man to beat.

That was unbelievable.

Fantastic. Woo!

That was awesome, absolutely awesome!

So proud of you, 60 years of age

and taking on the Wipeout Zone like that.

-You just did that in two minutes and 17 seconds.

-Nice one!

Woo! Come on!

You ain't seen me, right?

I haven't seen your bandana recently either, Andy.

Regardless of whether he's got a bandana under that helmet or not,

he begins his swim to the Rapid Climb.

Harry's set a solid benchmark, so Andy can't afford to hang around

-on any of these obstacles.

-Come on, Andy!

He reaches the Rapid Climb, the countdown begins as soon as he's up.

He loses his footing a bit but he's dashing up the slope.

Time ticking away but Andy also avoids the tidal wave.

Great sportsmanship from Harry there.

See-Saw of Truth time, Andy looking comfortable.

He made that look easy. Now he must face the Crazy Sweeper.

He set off very quickly. Lies low!

Immediately back up on his feet again.

Another duck, could slow him down.

Now it's the podiums. He needs to be quick to stay ahead of the sweeper.

He just makes it!

Andy's across.

Band Andy grabs the rope.

Needs a clean landing to stay ahead of Harry.

Got to get this right. He swings ...

Bullseye again.

Speedy stuff from Andy.

And he snatches the lead.

Like Harry, he didn't put a foot wrong

but he did it 50 seconds quicker.

It's over to Amanda to break the news.

Oh, my goodness, what a run that was.

Happy with that, happy with that!

You two have had a really, really hard day,

it's been absolutely exhausting. Andy, Harry was fantastic.

-But you were faster, I'm sorry, Harry.

-Nice one, mate.

The girls are one step closer

to their daddy being the Total Wipeout champion, let's watch Ivor.

Let's do this.

No, we'll leave you to it. Can Ivor drive a bus through Andy's time?

He's away.

He's got an amazing 1:23 to beat.

It's going to take a perfect run.

He can't afford any mistakes.

The Rapid Climb countdown will begin as soon as he's up on that slope.

Come on, Ivor!

Taken a bit of a mouthful already,

clears his airways and he's off.

Making light work of the waterfall.

And he's up.

Ivor now steps cautiously onto the see-saw.

Nice and steady, looking good.

Safely across to the Crazy Sweeper.

This is close, still.

Andy ducked a couple of times so Ivor can make up a few seconds.

He's going for it. Hurry up, Ivor! It's going to be close.

No, just clipped by the sweeper.

Looked like he was going to make it in one dash.

But Ivor got caught right at the very end.

Ic think I've got him.

It's going to be difficult to beat Andy now.

Ivor doesn't know his time.

He must keep pushing on regardless and makes his swing.

No, no! He's short of the turntable and in the water again.

Disaster for Ivor. That's lost him more time.

Now it's an exhausting climb up the rope ladder.

His arms, I suspect, aching, fit to burst.

The crowd encouraging him, but he's struggling.

He's down again. Come on, Ivor, dig deep.

Poor Ivor, been trying to get up that ladder for over a minute now.

Oh, he's exhausted.

He knows he must be defeated by now, but he's still determined to finish.

I can't watch it.

Nothing left in Ivor the Driver's tank.

Yes, yes, Ivor!

Somehow he's found some last reserves.

Please don't fall off the turntable now.

Thank goodness. Ivor finishes in 6:43.

An epic time in every sense of the word.

Ivor was in contention for a long time,

but I suspect he knows he won't be winning tonight.

Come on out and talk to me.

The bus has reached the depot, how are you feeling?

Shattered. Ran out of energy.

I'm so proud of you, you did not give up,

you were determined to get to the end.

Yeah, most definitely,

but that was it.

Andy, you're a hero in your girls' eyes.

And you're our hero tonight.

You are our Total Wipeout Champion!

Hard luck, Ivor.

So, Andy, the 36-year-old satellite engineer from Bideford

is today's Total Wipeout Champion.

Let's hope next week's show will be accident-free.

Ooh.

Ouch!

Enough of that.

Time for me to make my exit.

So, from Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

I'm ready.

I'm going to need a cushion.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

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