Richard Hammond and Amanda Byram return with the game show in which 20 crazy contestants throw themselves around an obstacle course in the hope of winning £10,000.
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Buenos Aires, home to Argentina's finest wines,
Argentina's finest steaks,
and, of course, Argentina's finest, and, er, only, Total Wipeout course!
20 of Britain finest and most upstandingest citizens,
including a cheerleader, a former wrestler and a microbiologist,
have journeyed from afar to take on the Total Wipeout course.
19 of them will crash and burn,
but one will emerge victorious like a phoenix from the flames...
well, a grilled chicken... to walk away with £10,000.
Let the games begin!
Welcome once again to Total Wipeout.
And there's a very special atmosphere in here because... drum roll, please!
-..this is no ordinary edition!
What? This is an ordinary edition?
Oh, I must have misread that e-mail.
Atmosphere's kind of turned in here.
Never mind, I'll crack on! What's in store today?
The Qualifier sorts the wheat from the chaff!
Crash Mountain sorts the chaff from the other chaff.
Dizzy Dummies spins the chaff around and makes the chaff sick.
And finally the Wipeout Zone... Chaffin' heck, it's scary!
So the course is ready, the contestants are ready, Amanda Byram's ready,
my dinner's ready...
I'm not eating that broccoli!
Right, it's over to the course where Amanda is waiting with the first contestant.
This is 18-year-old man mountain Syed from Bangladesh...
-You're not exactly the biggest chap we've ever had on the Qualifier, Syed!
but I don't think size matters. I've got speed. I've got speed. Speed's everything.
I'm Syed and I'm going to show you how it's done!
Yeah, OK, go on then! How's it done?
That's how it's done? Got you!
Well, he's down the slide.
Syed's out of the water nice and quickly,
and now flying across the pontoons,
heading straight for the first obstacle.
It's the Crazy Keys,
and like everything on the Total Wipeout course
it's all about getting from the start to the end,
avoiding the water below and these planks
that can smash into your face like this.
But, surely, he's so light, he'll barely tickle those ivories?
Oh, no, no!
Still, doesn't matter, up you get.
Maybe he'll have more luck on the second set.
Come on, Syed!
Oh, nearly! Yes...
Yes, he makes it across the second set of Crazy Keys!
Well done, Syed!
Next, he faces the Sucker Punch,
a wall of relentless mechanical boxing gloves!
Is he man enough to defeat them?
-Well, apparently not, no!
-The Sucker Punch
has just punched one of his brain cells out.
Looks like he's got two for the price of one there.
No extra charge!
Next up for our man mountain,
it's a modern-day version of David versus Goliath...
it's little Syed versus the Big Red Balls!
Some try to go over them,
some try to go under them,
and some ever try to go through them...the fools!
Just look at the aggression on his little face now! He really means business!
Can he do the double and make it across the Big Red Balls too?
Come on, Syed!
I thought it was too much to ask!
Man-mountain Syed only succeeds in launching himself into the water.
Climbing up on the molecules now on to the ladder,
Syed has flown round the Qualifier so far,
but now faces a new addition to the Total Wipeout course.
Nobody quite knows what they are...
Some think they might be an ancient astrological chart,
while others suspect they may form part of a medieval calendar...
To me, they look like a load of tyres wrapped in a bunch of colourful plastic...
so what are we calling this? It's the...what? The Ring-A-Dings?
Honestly, I've seen pre-school toys with scarier names than that!
Introducing the Ring-A-Dings!
Just 11 colourful hoops to go now for Syed...
Correction! Just a swim and some stairs to go now for Syed!
Man-mountain Syed gets round the course
as fast as his little legs will carry him!
In 2 minutes and 59 seconds.
Bangladesh to you too, Syed!
Next to go and no doubt inspired by Syed's exploits
is 35-year-old childminder Rachel from Derbyshire who is ever-so slightly excited
about taking on the Qualifier!
-Oh, I'm so excited!
# I'm so excited
# And I just can't hide it... #
You're going down, baby!
OK. Rachel launches herself...
gradually...and then a little bit quicker...that's gravity for you!
Not so excited now, I'll warrant!
OK, climbing out of the water with all the grace of a... graceless thing...
Strange, all of a sudden, excitable Rachel isn't as excited as she used to be!
How many Crazy Keys will Rachel get across?
She crossed one key.
Talking of one key, I bet she's feeling a little bit "wonky" now!
I promise, no more like that, I'll stop.
Excitable Rachel on the Big Red Balls!
Quick, the Motivator's in motion!
To be fair, the click of the Motivator being released
is enough to scare anyone into a futile and ill-judged jump...
which that was.
# You wash your face in my sink You wash your face in my sink... #
It seems to me like Rachel's having a leisurely fun day out.
-Rachel's developed her own Ring-A-Ding technique, eh?
-Does she know that it's against the clock?
I don't know. There isn't a clock fitted.
Rachel really needs to get a move on,
as, remember, only the fastest 12 contestants round the Qualifier
progress to the next round of the show. That isn't helping.
That means you've to get across the rings, Rachel!
# Like a puppet on a...
# String! #
Finally Rachel completes the Qualifier
in a not-so-exciting 7 minutes and 15 seconds.
I love you!
Yeah, and I love you too, Rachel!
And now a very proud moment for me.
After years of pestering the Total Wipeout big cheeses, they've done it.
They've finally got Royalty on the show.
Yep, the next competitor is a real bone fide African prince!
Because his uncle is king of his village.
Hang on! Why am I not king of my village? In fact, who is king of my village?
Anyway, back to it! All hail Prince Ndubisi...
..from Shepherds Bush!
-So how are Charles and Camilla doing?
-Well, I'm not that kind of prince. I'm a prince from Nigeria.
-So I'm assuming you've got, like, butlers and stuff?
-Well, I've got butlers, I've got drivers,
I've got cooks, I've got the whole works.
I'm going to be your Total Wipeout prince!
That's ridiculous! That's clearly not going to work, is it?
Nobody to lift him out the water. He did that himself.
On to the Crazy Keys!
Those foaming keys really should show him some more respect.
He is royalty after all, don't you know?
If you've got a butler, why would you do this?
I know what's coming!
Yeah, I knew she was going to say that.
If this happened to Ndubisi in his own kingdom,
I'm sure one of his courtiers would help him down.
Sadly, they're nowhere in sight. Must be back in Shepherds Bush!
Up next, it's 29-year-old Charlie from Croydon.
And there's something not quite right about him.
-Charlie, what is it you do?
-I'm a microbiologist, Amanda.
So I work with bacteria every day.
-I have a dark secret.
That's what's not quite right about him!
-Sorry about that. You need a little lie-down now after that?
-I might just do.
-I'm going to lie down. You go conquer that!
-Come on, I'm ready! Let's do it!
I'm putting this course to the test in the name of science
for all the hairy men out there...
-Don't mention Amanda's armpits!
Right, Charlie's off!
Oh, that chest hair must be waterlogged by now!
Maybe it helps! I don't know, he'll be warm...like a seal.
Charlie gets to his feet and charges towards the Crazy Keys.
As a scientist, Charlie knows of course, that what isn't held up
must come down!
That was Newton, wasn't it? Did he say that?
I'm no boffin, but even I know that head plus plastic-covered plank...
On the plus side, I imagine, the water contains a lot of microbiology for Charlie to examine.
Trying to hang on and failing!
He'll have a lot of microbiology in his trainers by now!
And Charlie faces the obstacle
that strikes fear into the hearts of hairy-chested scientists
the world over! Which strategy will he go for?
Will he be "hair" today, gone tomorrow?
He's adopted the tripping and plummeting approach! That should put hairs on his chest!
Not that there's room, really!
Imagine how long it takes him to dry off afterwards! Does he use a dryer? A towel? I don't know!
Finally it's the Ring-A-Dings!
Charlie should feel right at home here
like he's swinging from vine to vine, you see?
Oh-oh, he's back again!
And he's off again!
And he's back again.
There we go!
He must weight like a ton now, all waterlogged !
But Charlie and his chest hair complete the course
in a respectable 3 minutes 32 seconds.
# I wanna walk like you... #
SQUEALING: It's not easy!
Like a man voiced by a lady!
Tell me about your chest hair. Did it weigh you down at all?
Yeah, I did feel a bit of drag, actually!
That's enough from you, monkey boy!
Meanwhile, it's all been a bit too much for Ndubisi,
who appears to be having a royal sleep.
Oh, the great man stirs...
..and falls! Now I feel bad, like I actually did that!
Those Ring-A-Dings really are proving difficult...
silly, but difficult.
A true royal variety performance there from Ndubisi
who finishes with the princely time of 6 minutes 10 seconds.
Does that get the royal seal of approval?
Yes, yes, yes. Now, where are those fish?
Give me strength! To think I turned down Panorama for this!
Now, this is 24-year-old Cherry, a modern languages teacher from Belfast.
I'm going to be like Speedy Gonzales!
Arriba, arriba! Andale, andale! HOOTER
Is that a modern language?
Right, Speedy Gon-Cherry sped into her face there...
on the pontoons.
She's off, nothing can stop her...
apart from that. That did stop her.
# Speedy Gonzales... #
Yeah, her face is taking some punishment already!
Right, after a slow start she needs to be quick, she needs to be fast...
And now she needs to get out of that mud.
The mud really causing Cherry problems here.
She's trying to, what? Drink it all? Or...?
Can anyone help her? Anyone?
-Ooh, that sounds promising!
My name's Ollie and I'm no wally!
-What are you going to be out there today?
-I'm going to be a cross between Alfie Moon,
a ninja and just someone who's really good at doing Total Wipeout!
Well, good. Don't worry, Cherry, no-wally Ollie is on his way!
Some ninja-like jumping there!
And now some Alfie moon-like running!
On to the keys!
Quickstepping technique proves...
For one moment, I thought it would work.
He flew like Superman, then fell like a normal bloke!
Oh! Oh, I'm so wet!
Not the most heroic of squeaking noises. I hope Cherry didn't hear it.
Too much mud in her ears. Still waiting for rescue!
Ollie the non-wally tries the Big Balls!
Honest, he did look like a bit of a wally there!
Even heroes need to go forwards on the Big Red Balls,
not just upwards, sideways and downwards and splash!
Right, this looks promising!
A confident ninja-like jump on to the red Ring-A-Ding.
Could he be the first person...?
# And they say that a hero can save us... #
21-year-old student no-wally Ollie finishes the course
in 3 minutes and 3 seconds! Quite impressive,
And even more impressive is he managed to save Cherry...
No, wait a minute! He forgot to save Cherry!
What a wally!
Cherry, bad news, I'm afraid.
No-wally Ollie has forgotten about you and this is, well, awkward!
But, fear not, Speedy Gon-Cherry can rely on her cat-like agility
to get over the Big Red...
But Cherry does utilise her incredible muscular flexibility!
Look, her feet there, kicking the back of her own head!
Speedy Gon-Cherry finally completes the course in 6 minutes 16 seconds.
A real, live Mexican mouse would have been quicker than that!
But there are still 14 contestants to run, so it's time to crack on!
So far today it's Qualifier 8, contestants 0.
What we need is someone to teach that course a jolly good lesson,
and who better than today's next contender, 25-year-old Shaun from Manchester
who's a maths teacher?
Me plus Wipeout equals...winner!
Yeah, we'll be the judge of that, Shaun, if you don't mind!
Shaun plus slippery slope
equals a big splash! There you go!
Shaun now needs to formulate the ultimate solution
to beat the Crazy Keys. Has he got his calculations right?
Ooh, so far so good! Lucky escape for Shaun, but he's still on!
Looks like he's done his homework here!
Ho-ho! Maybe not!
Let's see that one again!
Yeah, got his working wrong there!
Getting an F-minus for that!
Shaun plus Crazy Keys equals
pain for Shaun!
His school report so far reads "must try harder"!
Shaun on the Big Red Balls!
He jumps he bounces...he splashes.
He taught those Big Red Balls a lesson!
So can Shaun be the first to traverse the Ring-A-Dings?
11 colourful hoops plus a 15-foot drop!
You do the maths... or math, as the Americans say.
Why do they say that?
It's maths. Not doing too well by the looks of things.
So maths teacher Shaun finished in 4 minutes 7 seconds,
minus his dignity!
plus the Qualifier now equals...
Shaun isn't the only teacher who's found the time to come to Argentina today.
Must be the school holidays.
Let's meet his rivals for title of teacher's pet.
PE teacher Emily from London.
Kids, do as I say not as I do!
And all stand, please, class, it's head teacher, Jeremy from Norfolk.
If I don't get round the course, I'm going to put myself in detention!
All of these teachers are going to regret this, but who will be getting the gold star,
and who will be wearing the dunce's hat?
Who will have a scrap of dignity left when they're back at school?
None of them!
Jeremy leads by example and goes head first into the water.
At the Crazy Keys, Emily fares no better.
Emily's given a physical education. She'll be off games for a couple of weeks!
# I got to go back to school... #
Jeremy. Big Balls. Sorry, sir. That sounded wrong when I said that.
Jeremy trying to get down with the kids there,
bit of crazy-legs break-dancing
and ends up face down in the water.
Emily's turn and she...
teaches us a new kneeling skid technique.
The kids will have seen all of this.
Can either of them do the impossible and complete the rings?
Jeremy hits the deck first, closely followed by Emily. Surely these rings are too hard?
Jeremy clocks in with a time of 4 minutes and 20 seconds,
just behind Emily who completes the course in 3 minutes and 49 seconds,
making her the teacher's pet and Jeremy the class clown!
The teachers have had their turn.
So now it's time for a student, 20-year-old Adrian from London.
Does he have the confidence to defeat the Qualifier?
I'm the jack of all trades, so watch this space!
Shout to everyone in my phone, shout to everyone who wants to be in my phone.
Mmm, that'll be a yes, then!
Is there anybody you know out straight you're going to beat easy?
Well, the girls can just move aside.
They might get far-ish. Well done for the girls, but there's no girls winning!
-That's not very nice. What does your girlfriend think of that?
-Oh, no, I'm single!
Funny, that, Adrian!
I'm not Usain Bolt, I'm not Michael Phelps, but I'm close enough! Come on!
Well, I'm neither of them either!
OK, expect Olympic level sprinting and swimming...
That actually was part-Bolt part-Phelps when he started.
I'm sure all you ladies out there are rooting for Adrian
after his outburst earlier, including my daughters. He's...
Hang on, he's hanging on!
He's hanging on, he's determined.
Mmm...bit of justice maybe for the ladies there.
Looks like that hasn't slowed him down though
as he powers through the water.
Single Adrian looks determined at the Sucker Punch...
I should have said,
Mrs Eduardo is operating the bonus punch there today.
She didn't like what he said!
Single Adrian up and out the mud
on to the Big Balls!
Here we go!
On the rebound?
Well, that relationship didn't last very long and now he really is on the rebound.
That would make a great singles ad.
Adrian, falls off a lot of things, but has a great sense of humour!
He'll need that good sense of humour right now, because it's Ring-A-Dings time!
But maybe single Adrian has figured out
there's a way to defeat these things.
No, he hasn't, has he?
On the plus side, Adrian hauls himself on to the podium
in the fastest time of the day so far, 2 minutes 49.
On the minus side, he is still single.
Those Ring-A-Dings really are proving extremely difficult.
Usually when Eduardo finds old tyres lying around,
he just tosses them on to his giant family barbecue.
But not this time.
His kids might be missing the distinctive taste of rubber-smoked beefburgers,
but that's our game, because instead we've got the Ring-A-Dings!
# Monkey, monkey, monkey
# Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey
# Monkey, monkey, monkey... #
Every technique used so far today has failed.
So what approach will 23-year-old waitress Lisa use?
Are you in a bit of a pickle, Lisa?
Nice, the upside-down approach!
Yeah, another method that just doesn't really work.
She didn't have to wait long before she hit the water!
If anyone can beat the Ring-A-Dings, sure it's Rambo?
Sorry, I mean 51-year-old Iain, a photographer from Devon.
I can run 100 miles!
I can usually beat the best!
I've been working on me guns so let's put them to the test!
And the Rings draw first blood from Rambo!
So how about 31-year-old cake designer Amy from Northumberland?
I'm going to run, run as fast as I can. You won't catch me, I'm like a gingerbread man!
Work those hips, Amy! Work those hips!
That's what I thought! Amy's used to dealing with a different kind of colourful sponge!
Is anyone ever going to get across these rings today?
# Everybody look, yeah, yeah. #
The next contestant hoping to ding-a-ling-ling those Ring-A-Dings
is 25-year-old cheerleader Ellie from Blackpool.
Total Wipeout, here I come,
watch out, guys, I'm number one!
She's at the Crazy Keys.
Oh, great recovery there from Ellie,
managing to keep her head above water...
but not for long!
I didn't help saying what I said.
No cheering necessary here! She's useless without her pompoms!
I think it's even given Ellie a little shock by the look on her face!
Now for the Big Red Balls.
She has composure, she has balance...
and now she has a face full of water!
Two, four, six, eight,
Big Balls she doesn't appre... I'm not a cheerleader! What can I do?
The opposite way to the way you just came!
Despite her lack of pompoms and direction,
Ellie completes the Qualifier in a time of 3 minutes and 49 seconds.
What about your big, big pompoms over there, the Big Red Balls?
I fell off everything. I was rubbish!
With 14 runners having now tackled the Qualifier,
the leader board looks like this...
Next on the Qualifier is 41-year-old motorbike enthusiast Jane from Dorset...
whose trousers don't fit.
My name's Jane and I've got a motorbike,
so I'm going to pull my throttle and ride like the wind! Vroom!
I love motorbikes too and if I had my way I'd let everyone go round the course on two wheels!
It would make it better!
See? That's fantastic! My dream TV show! Junior Total Kick Start Wipeout!
Anyway, bikeless, off goes Jane.
Here she comes, little, bouncy Jane!
Let's hope the Crazy Keys don't stall her bid for glory.
Straddling the Crazy Keys is not be recommended, kids!
Lucky she didn't have a motorbike. The engine would have flooded there.
Still, she's undeterred and attempts the second set
of Crazy Keys...which...
ends up with the same result.
I can't look!
Well, you must look! That's the whole point of this show!
Double header, front of head and back of head,
twice the pain, bang, bang!
This is where Jane can really kick-start her challenge
-on the Big Balls!
-MUSIC: "Carmina Burana"
Here we go!
Oh, that looked painful!
Hang on a minute! Everything seems wonderful when the Junior Kick Start theme plays.
-MUSIC: "Junior Kick Start Theme"
-See what I mean? Feels better! I am happy!
Kick-Start Jane motors round the course in 3 minutes and 56 seconds.
Will that be enough to see her through to Crash Mountain?
Seriously, on bikes, we could do it!
Can I come down?
When you were on your two feet, standing upright,
-in fairness, you were pretty speedy.
That wasn't very often!
The next two contestants are here to settle an argument as old as time itself.
Who would reign supreme round a course of foam plastic stupidity,
PC Plod or Fireman Sam?
Unfortunately, neither of them are real, so we'll never know,
but in their place are two of Cheltenham's finest!
For the Old Bill, it's 28-year-old Kim the copper.
Big Balls, Big Balls, what are you going to do, what are you going to do when I come for you?
And for the fire brigade, it's 44-year-old fire-fighter
and part-time window cleaner Smoking' Jo.
Fire, fire, I'll extinguish this course.
So Kim the copper begins the battle of the services...
That's a good start.
On to the podium.
Meanwhile Jo's on the Crazy Keys.
Oh! Her hopes just got extinguished.
Her long legs got her into a little bit of trouble there by the look of things.
I would say that hurt quite a lot.
Kim's go now.
Thank goodness there isn't an actual emergency on the course.
Kim the copper just got assaulted by a Crazy Key!
Smokin' Jo looks ready for a fight. On to the Sucker Punch.
Oh, and she gets one,
taking it on the chin for her troubles!
I bet she'd rather be rescuing a cat from a tree right now!
Kim back on the case and taking on the Big Red Balls.
Here she goes!
She aimed right between two of the balls! Did there used to be another one there?
Has it been stolen? Was it the one and a half is missing?
Jo's go now.
And forget the fire brigade. Call the lifeguards!
Fire-fighter and part-time window cleaner Jo must be used to ladders.
I mean, they are central to her work.
What happened there?
I'm not sure I'd trust her with my windows or rescuing my cat!
And so Smokin' Jo completes the course in 3 minutes and 23 seconds.
-Not that you've never fallen off a ladder before!
-How embarrassing is that, eh?
Tell me what the boys at the station will think of that performance.
Er...I don't think I'll ever hear the end of it.
But Kim the copper emerges victorious with an impressive time
of 2 minutes 52 seconds. That's a win to the boys and girls in blue!
I'm here at the start of the Qualifier in the presence of holiness.
So, Jim from Perth, tell me what is that you do?
Amanda, I'm a Church of Scotland minister and I've been one for 14 years.
Yeah, the old "using the big chap upstairs to look after you" trick, eh? Let's see if it works, Jim!
And so Holy Jim begins his crusade.
What was that? No parting of the Wipeout sea for him!
Maybe a bit of faith will get Jim across the Crazy Keys.
It's working, it's working...
it's failing him.
Oh, holy moly!
It hurt, that's the main thing. You need to have 90% faith, 10% pure luck.
And an extra 100% of padding.
Holy Jim could do with a miraculous Ball crossing now...
Look at that! Holy Jim has left an ungodly mess to clean up on that Red Ball there!
Like a Turin Shroud, Jim getting his face on there!
Will the Ring-A-Dings administer some treatment of their own?
That was a pun, it was a pun!
Holy Jim completes the course in a time of 3 minutes and 21 seconds.
And his performance should stand him in good stead for the next life...
next round, I mean!
This is 31-year-old Barry from Leeds, and guess what his job is?
Yeah, he's a tennis umpire... obviously.
But he used to be a wrestler.
Yeah, that's enough, thank you. Stop it!
Can you give me a bit of a wrestling demonstration?
-Don't say that!
-Why would you ask for that?
Glad he put Amanda down before attempting the course.
He's surprisingly dainty, isn't he, delicate?
Right in the face!
Oh, that's got to be nasty!
Wrestling V boxing now on the Sucker Punch.
They say wrestling's faked,
but you can't fake that, can you?
That's real, he actually did fall in the mud, bum first!
New-balls Barry challenges the Big Balls now...fearless...
If Barry had landed on a wrestler instead of some water, that would have been a sweet move!
He's got his beard wet.
It'll take some ringing out, that!
New-balls Barry's final time is
3 minutes 41, and that should just about see him through to round 2.
Pretty surprised you're still in one piece after that!
Thank you... Your concern touches me.
Last to take on the Qualifier is Katie and it says here she's the daughter of A Lamb...
-What? Beg your pardon!
It says she is the daughter of Allan Lamb, the former England cricket captain.
I've made a big list of cricket puns and I'm ready to use them!
Prepare to be bowled over!
I'll have to cross that one off the list now. I was going to use it.
Now that's a pace attack!
100% commitment down the slide and she's rewarded with 100% whack in the face!
The Sucker Punch is less leg before wicket and leg over boxing glove...
Mr Lamb, she's doing very well.
Yes, Katie becomes the first maiden over the Sucker Punch today!
You see? That takes some working out.
I'm exhausted. Her dad was used to small red balls,
how will Katie deal with big bouncy ones?
Oh, she goes for a duck!
That bowling action is clearly hereditary!
And, look, some good spinning action at the end there too.
# Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away... #
And Katie lamby Lamb
completes her innings with a time of 3 minutes and 14.
All I can say is, "Bring it on, Dad!"
So all 20 contestants have now run the Qualifier.
So the Qualifier comes to an end,
and, with it, so do the hopes and dreams of eight contestants.
As is customary at this point, it's time for a moment of reflection
and some slow-motion replays of those fallen by the wayside,
accompanied by a soaring, emotional soundtrack.
The question is will that music be Westlife, Coldplay or Leona Lewis?
Bet you a fiver it's Leona!
MUSIC: "A Moment Like This" by Leona Lewis
Thank you very much!
Now, forget about what's just been lost, whether it's eight contestants or a five-pound note!
Because it's time to get on with the action. It is Crash Mountain!
The 12 remaining contestants now face Crash Mountain.
Which, not a lot of people know, also auditioned for a part on another BBC show...
Having failed the audition, the Dalek reject was flown economy to Argentina
and given a new lease of life.
The contestants need to get across the large red walkway that goes one way,
whilst and even larger red-and-blue battering ram goes the other.
The first five to reach the middle of Crash Mountain will progress to Dizzy Dummies.
Here's a reminder of the 12 remaining contestants.
On podiums 1 and 2,
luscious-lips Lisa and man-mountain Syed.
-If I don't win, no-one is!
-You tell them, big guy!
On 3 and 4, Kim the copper...
This cop isn't going to drop!
..And no-wally Ollie.
making up the first half dozen, it's Holy Jim and Smokin' Jo!
Adrian, your fire's going right out!
On podiums 7 and 8...pompom Ellie...
There may be six women and six men, but there's women going through today!
And single Adrian.
I was the fastest on the Qualifier, so say no more!
On 9 and 10, Katy the Lamb...
You might be able to walk on water, but I can run on air!
What does that actually mean? And PE Emily.
Making up the dirty dozen... new-balls Barry
and chest-hair Charlie.
I had a nightmare last night that the god of game shows
created the most devastating game known to mankind,
and when I woke up this morning, look what I found at the bottom of my bed! It's Crash Mountain!
Are you all ready?
In your dreams! Three, two, one!
The spinning begins which means that jumping, running and falling are now imminent.
Smokin' Jo gets her falling underway very quickly.
Now new-balls Barry gives it a go.
Maybe his arm tassels softened the fall for him.
What was he thinking?
Holy Jim tries the blind-faith approach.
Single Adrian also falls.
No-wally Ollie... looks like a bit of a wally there.
Pompom Ellie falls...
Katy the Lamb falls.
Chest-hair Charlie falls. Is there anyone left to fall?
This is Crash Mountain carnage!
face full of plastic!
Luscious-lips Lisa tries...
Single Adrian back for more...
swimming, that is!
-Give it another go! Get in there!
Our Father, deliver him to the middle, please.
No-one's got even close yet. Could new-balls Barry change all that?
And they all started off so gung-ho, but now they're looking much more anxious.
-My legs are shaking!
-Come on, someone do it, for goodness' sake!
Single Adrian goes for it and he's there!
First one across and about time too!
Cometh the hour, cometh the ladies' man!
Is that a Buddhist mantra? Should be. It is now!
So who will join that lucky so-and-so in the middle?
How does he do it? The man never works out, always wins things!
Kim's fallen in. Now pompom Ellie is on the paddle.
Come on, Ellie!
And now Ellie understands why the show's called Total Wipeout!
Cos she was totally!
Pretty good, Total Wipeout.
Syed and Lisa both jump... and both fall.
Two for the price of one!
Emily gets safely on to the paddle.
Oh! And then unsafely knocked off it.
Still only Adrian has actually made it to the centre.
Who's joining me next?
Now Smokin' Jo launches an attempt.
She's just redeemed herself having fallen off a ladder.
She's still not cleaning my windows!
So single Adrian and Smokin' Jo are through. Three places remain,
but who will fill them?
Will it be pompom Ellie, new-balls Barry, man-mountain Syed,
Katy the Lamb, luscious-lips Lisa, chest-hair Charlie,
PE Emily, Kim the copper, no-wally Ollie or Holy Jim?
and, oh, not quite!
Here comes Holy Jim.
No! Within touching distance!
Oh, so close, Jim!
She's back already. Emily is on to the paddle this time.
Emily ducks the sweeping arm... and again...
Come on, Emily!
She's going to have to run in a moment.
Oh, not that moment, though! Wrong one! I'm sure she'll be back for another go, though.
Here comes Kim the copper now.
Jo the fire-fighter has made it on. Can Kim join her?
Come on, Kim!
Oh! Call an ambulance!
-No-wally Ollie now sprints... and makes it!
-That's three in the middle, two places left.
-What a relief!
Katy the Lamb springs into action and she's across too. Effortless.
Four places taken now. When I say effortless, obviously, it wasn't, it was hard.
Just one place remains, but who will get there first? Will it be luscious-lips Lisa?
Man-mountain Syed? Kim the copper?
Holy Jim? Pompom Ellie?
PE Emily? New-balls Barry? Or chest-hair Charlie?
One place left!
Kim making a bid now.
Oh! And it was a losing bid!
Pompom Ellie runs along the paddle
and then veers off it.
Syed now, straight on and straight off.
Charlie looking good here...
No! Lost his balance at the last minute!
Come on, everyone,
or we'll need to send out for more AA batteries to keep the thing going!
OK, Syed's fully on the paddle this time.
If I blow you, you'll get there, Look.
Yeah! Anyway, Syed gets to his feet
and he's made it!
See? My blowing tactics worked!
OK, let's move on and leave her unawares.
So the final five have made it to the centre of Crash Mountain... eventually.
These five can celebrate.
But for the seven losers it's buenos noches, Buenos Aires.
I'm dreading going back to school on Monday, I'm really dreading it.
They're not going to let me live this down at all.
As the thing goes round,
it just doesn't hold my weight.
It actually gives a little bit,
I wasn't expecting that.
Unless I'm just too fat!
I'm so gutted I'm out. I was so close.
I gave it my best shot, and, yeah, I crashed out.
It was basically an experiment that went wrong on my behalf.
Today the fire-fighter came out on top.
In reality, the girls in blue do it all the time.
I think Adrian's going to win. perhaps,
but it would be nice to see our good brother and friend
just have a wee slip, that would be nice!
Forgive and forget, surely, Jim?
Anyway, let's not worry about that lot. They're losers!
Time to focus on the winners. And I've got to say my money is on Adrian.
Fastest on the Qualifier and the first to ascend Crash Mountain.
I bet my recently won fiver that he wins this thing.
No, I bet a fiver and my car and my house and the shirt off my back
that Adrian wins today's show. Easy money! Time for Dizzy Dummies!
Here's how it works. The five remaining contestants are strapped into that fast-rotating machine
for as long as Argentinean laws permit.
Then, dizzy, sick and confused,
they will all receive a good hosing as they make their way to the carousel goal.
After getting over the goalposts, they must cross the lubed-up pipe bridge...
The first four across then have to go through the same again,
except this time, instead of the pipe bridge they must get across the Blueberries
whilst getting dodgeballed in the noggin.
The last contestant is eliminated, leaving behind today's Wipeout finalists.
The Qualifier? Kind of tricky. Crash Mountain? Taking the mickey!
Dizzy Dummies? Yeah, you've guessed it! Time to get sicky!
Are you all ready?
Pass the sick bag! Three, two, one!
Right, a reminder of today's five Dizzy Dummies...
He won the Qualifier, he was first on to Crash Mountain, he's really good. It's single Adrian!
She's a fire-fighter and part-time window cleaner...
and, yeah, she fell off a ladder in the Qualifier, it's Smoking' Jo!
Adrian, your fire's going right out!
He's blasted his way through to Dizzy Dummies, it's man-mountain Syed.
She's Allan's daughter and Larry's sister, it's Katy the Lamb.
Prepare to be bowled over!
He's a cross between Alfie Moon and a ninja, well, according to him anyway! It's no-wally Ollie!
My name's Ollie and I'm no wally!
The Dummies are released.
And, as predicted, Adrian is off to a flyer!
The stragglers are still getting a hosing, but Adrian's up and already over the goalpost.
My bet's looking good!
Single Adrian on to the pipe bridge.
Oh! I wonder what caused him to fall there!
Oh, yeah! Could be all the grease. Doesn't make it any easier.
Back at the carousel, Joe falls, this time, though, not from a ladder.
Syed and Katie...
synchronised falling! It's like Torvill and Dean at their peak... sort of.
Now, Ollie's over the goalposts too, whilst everyone else falls around him.
Ollie on the pipes.
Slips...on the grease once again, looking a bit of a wally there if we're honest, Ollie.
5-foot-2 Syed having a problem with the goalpost.
Being small is nothing to laugh at, Amanda!
Go on, Syed, show her!
I meant, show her how good small folk can be, not show her how to fall into the water!
Adrian, the coolest cucumber in town!
I think his cucumber just got a bit cooler.
Ollie seems to be taking a little tea break here.
He isn't quite demonstrating the urgency required. Come on!
Go on! Go on!
Or the balance!
Smokin' Jo makes a dash for it...
And she's nearly there! Hold on, Jo!
-And Jo becomes the first person to make it to safety.
-She's on fire!
Now Katy jumps for it.
-Can she hold on?
Slowly edges up on to the pontoon. Yes!
Mr Lamb, she's done you proud!
Looks like she even surprised herself with that!
Both of our girls are through to the next round...of Dizzy Dummies.
I'll be honest...I'm a teensy bit concerned about my bet on Adrian now. I'm sure it'll be fine.
It'll be OK.
OK, so now Ollie's across too.
Oh, Adrian's down again!
Oh, my goodness, Syed's about to beat Adrian!
-Go on, Syed!
-I'm guessing that gap must look pretty huge when you're 5 foot 2!
I'm taller than that, by the way!
-I can't jump that far!
-You've got to jump, man, you've got to jump!
Syed is now a couple of feet away from defeating today's strongest contestant so far,
but he needs to make this jump. He needs to do this!
He's brave, he's going to do it...
And he's...done it!
Incredible! The man mountain rocks the Dizzy Dummies!
I do not believe this!
That is the look of a man who has literally been beaten...
You must be absolutely gutted,
because I know, from speaking to you this morning, that you had every intention
of beating all of the girls, and two chicks have just beaten you, Adrian!
It was the Vaseline on the...
on the... No, it was. Look, my hand's all greasy... Do you want some?
The girls had the Vaseline too!
Yeah, but... I did say the girls won't win it, so...
-..Syed or Ollie...I'm still going to put my money on them!
Message to my wife. "We're staying in the Tewkesbury Travelodge tonight.
"And you're going to have to pick me up."
Can we get on with the second round of Dizzy Dummies, please? I'm getting cold in here, really.
Round 2. There's more vomit-inducing horror at the beginning, but this time the course culminates
in the Blueberries!
And so off they wobble.
Jo and Katy charge up the slope and slide back down it.
Oh, look at this! Man-mountain Syed, first over the goalposts!
It's madness on the carousel, but Ollie's now over too!
Talk about the underdog!
Never write off the vertically challenged, Amanda! He'll be back!
Ollie on to the Blueberries...
..for a split second.
Something tells me we're going to be here for a while!
A terrific leap from Jo!
Overshot the Blueberry, but managed to hang on.
Katie tries the same aggressive approach. Doesn't work so well for her.
Despite the dastardly dodgeballs, Smokin' Jo's crawling her way across the troublesome Blueberries!
Come on, then!
Fighting talk from the fire-fighter!
Behind her, Ollie's now successfully on the Blueberries.
Ooh, fantastic leap as Smokin' Jo launches herself into the Wipeout Zone!
-The fire-fighter's sizzling!
Syed, still struggling.
# They laugh at me, these fellows, just because I am small
# They laugh at me because I'm not 100 feet tall... #
I'm not holding out much hope for poor little Syed.
Katie's looking to take advantage of the man mountain's misfortune.
And she's finally on.
Ollie, now, nearly across...
No-wally Ollie joins Jo in the Wipeout Zone.
That's ill-advised! I wouldn't have done that!
Now Katie's on her last Blueberry,
but she's very wary of those dodgeballs!
Syed still trying to mount the Blueberries to no avail...
The dodgeballers wait for no-one.
Katie psychs herself up for one big leap...
And she's done it! Katy the Lamb grabs the final spot in the Wipeout Zone
which means it's goodbye to the man mountain.
You know what, you're only very lickle and I don't think you stood a chance on that particular obstacle!
Yeah, yeah, it was much harder than it looked, yeah.
-You did Bangladesh proud!
I tried my best, yeah...
I hope I have made Bangladesh proud, yeah...
So fire-fighter Smokin' Jo, student no-wally Ollie and marketing executive Katy the Lamb
have made it through to today's final round, the Wipeout Zone.
And like me, making my way home from our last office party,
they've had to overcome water, greased-up poles and giant blueberries to get there!
And for that, we salute them!
It's so strange to think there's two girls through and a guy.
The boys were, like, "We've got it in the bag. It's going to be an all-guy final!"
And here we are, and it's me and Jo through!
Really feeling the pressure that there's two girls in the final.
Jo, in particular, I'm very scared of. She's got long legs and she's beaten me in the previous rounds.
To actually compete against a lot of men, you know, I have done that, I'm used to that...
Jo's a lot older than me. On paper, that would make me think I've got a good chance against Jo.
I am sporty...
but I'm 44! I've got children the same age as some of these contestants!
And let's see what happens with Ollie!
Ollie's got his game face on and I think he's going to try his very best for the boys!
Katie's a bit of shock for me being in the final.
She's very competitive. I think she's planning to win this tonight.
Katie's brilliant, you know, she's really pulled the stops out!
I would absolutely love to beat Ollie and Jo.
-It's about winning.
-It's down to me to beat these girls!
To be honest, I'm just going to go out there and give it my best.
Holding that cup up at the end of the day and saying, you know, "It's me that's won this!"
So this is it...the pinnacle, the apex, the peak, the summit...
the highlight, the zenith... I've got a new thesaurus app on my phone.
Anyway, what I was trying to build to is, it's the Wipeout Zone!
First it's the Killer Surf with only a rubber ring for comfort.
Then it's the hike of hell up the Rapid Climb
where they've got just ten seconds to make it to the top
before a Tidal Wave is unleashed upon them.
Then balance is everything on the Seesaw Of Truth.
From there they'll have to duck and dive to avoid the Crazy Sweeper.
Then it's the Rope Swing on to the Turntable
and a final leap to the finish podium where the clock stops.
The fastest round the course will be crowned Total Wipeout champion
and walk away with £10,000.
What a line-up we have tonight!
A girl, a boy and another girl.
Did I mention we've got two girls and a boy, as in 100% more girl than boy?
Not that I'm showing any favouritism! Katie is the first to go...
who, by the way, is a girl.
It's the cricketer's daughter versus the mother of all assault courses.
This one's for the family!
So Katie gets the Wipeout Zone underway.
She's in and swimming.
But quickly on to the Rapid Climb.
The minute she gets on to that ramp,
the 10-second Tidal Wave countdown will begin.
-And there it is!
-That's it, Katie!
Run for it!
Katie is taking Amanda's advice
she's quickly up the ramp, totally avoiding the Tidal Wave.
Come on, Katie, girl.
And Katie progresses to the Seesaw Of Truth,
trying to balance with her heart pounding
and the roar of water in her ears...
The seesaw tips, Katie's looking good.
Being cautious and needs to be. Next, the Crazy Sweeper.
It's all about timing this right.
Oh, a near miss there, but Katie survives it,
managing to duck the Crazy Sweeper.
Back on her feet, up and running for it.
Come on, Katie, hurry up!
Go, go, go!
Oh! No, the Sweeper was simply too quick and Katie just kind of threw herself into the water there.
-I think she just jumped off that.
-That makes two of us, Amanda.
I think she just got out of its way at the last second.
Right, Rope Swing now. Katie prepares herself for a giant leap!
She's holding on tight.
And she makes it!
One jump to go and it's all over. Come on!
Oh, hang on, Katie!
She does, and completes the Wipeout Zone in a very fast time.
A great run.
Katy the Lamb barely put a foot wrong the whole way round,
except for that voluntary fall on the Crazy Sweeper,
but will her time be enough to beat Jo and Ollie?
Did you enjoy that?
I'm not understanding a word you're saying, but it doesn't matter because you did really well.
You've just done that in 2 minutes and 34 seconds.
-That's a brilliant time, but you do know that Ollie and Jo are coming up next,
-they're both equally determined...
-It's going to be amazing.
-Ollie's up next. Let's watch.
50% Alfie Moon, 50% ninja, 0% wally, it's no-wally Ollie!
My name's Ollie Beasant and I'm doing this for everyone I know and love.
Wish me luck!
Trademark scream there!
The flying Ollie!
And now it's a climbing Ollie!
He's on to the Rapid Climb, so the 10-second countdown begins.
Ollie literally making big strides here,
and like Katie he beats the wave.
No problem for no-wally Ollie, avoiding the horror of the Tidal Wave.
On to the Seesaw... Ollie waits for it to tip.
Ooh, a little wobble, but he's still on, he's made it.
Next it's the Crazy Sweeper.
This is where Katy the Lamb made her one mistake on her run.
Ollie legs it but that spinning arm is already closing in.
He's going to have to duck soon.
Or maybe he's not!
Because he's made it!
Incredible! Ollie makes it in one!
He's yet to make a single mistake.
He's only got the Rope Swing and the Turntable to go.
He swings out...still holding on...
Oh, a heavy landing! This is looking fast!
Ollie's on the Turntable, he lines himself up...
..jumps, and that is a flawless run from Ollie!
1 minute 20 seconds, that's incredible!
Now, there is a lesson in how to do the Wipeout Zone!
Ollie blasts his way past every obstacle without a second thought.
Definitely part Ninja and no wally at all!
It's over to Amanda to tell Ollie his spectacular time.
-You went like a bullet!
-Thanks very much, thanks very much!
-Fast and accurate, that's me.
-I kind of blinked and I think I might have missed it!
-I don't think it was that fast!
-He's been doing it for the boys tonight.
you're one step closer to making them proud, because you were faster than Katie!
-Hard luck, Katie. Go join the others, my darling.
-Only Jo to go.
-And it means yours is the time to beat, so let's watch Jo.
Let's do it. Good luck, Jo.
Here comes the final contender, Smokin' Jo.
Careful on that ladder, obviously!
This is for you, Josie and Julie!
Now, Jo has Ollie's time to beat, and at 1 minute 20 seconds, that is not going to be easy.
That's an astonishing time in front of her.
Out of the ring, into the water. It's a swim
then the Rapid Climb first of all.
She's up quickly. But Jo's going to have to keep that speed up.
The Tidal Wave won't get a look-in if she's fast enough.
10 seconds, remember.
Oh, she's taking it steady on the steep sections.
Oh, no, she's slipped!
And she's sliding...
And that means the wave is going to hit her! She's going to get caught.
She's past it, that's good.
Jo sticks close to the edge and misses the worst of it,
but the seconds are ebbing away...
along with Jo's chances of winning Total Wipeout!
On to the Seesaw Of Truth.
Jo looks steady on her feet,
but how will she handle the tipping point in the middle?
That's critical. She's past it. Nicely done.
Quickly on to the Crazy Sweeper.
She's going to have to go like the wind.
This is make or break for Smokin' Jo.
A big mistake here and her title challenge is all over.
Judging speeds, distances... the best time to run...
Oh, she's ducked.
Come on, Jo, come on!
She ducks a second time and this has to be it!
She's got to get a move on... No, she's ducking again!
Don't forget, Jo has no idea of the time pressure she's under.
She didn't see Ollie's incredible run.
Big push now on to the podiums...
Oh, that was not Jo's best foot forwards there.
So nearly out of the Sweeper's reach and on to the Rope Swing, Jo's chances of winning are already over.
She just can't catch Ollie now.
Ollie can't believe his luck, or rather Jo's lack of it.
Jo is up and on to the Rope Swing,
good swing, great landing...
Let go of the rope, woman!
Oh, maybe I spoke too soon!
-Things going from bad to worse for Smokin' Jo.
-No, she didn't!
Oh, yes, she did!
Sorry, this isn't pantomime, is it?
Come on, Jo, come on!
For Jo encouragement from the crowd!
She's got her eye on that button. A quick jump...slaps the button
Great effort from Jo, but Ollie's time was always going to be hard to beat.
A slip of the Crazy Sweeper and a trip on the Turntable
plus that overenthusiastic finish all mean she posts a time of 3 minutes and 14 seconds.
Oh, my goodness! Fantastic performance from you, my love!
That was amazing! A few slips and trips, but, yeah, I got here!
-You had some ups and downs.
And you've had some ups and downs all day,
but you kept fighting your way through all the way through just like a fire-fighter should.
-Oh, absolutely. I can't give up.
Ollie's been fantastic tonight, you have been incredible...
-Your kids will be so proud of you tonight, Jo...
-I hope so.
But your fire has been extinguished, I'm afraid,
because, Ollie, you are the Total Wipeout champion!
Well done, my man!
So, 21-year-old business student Ollie Beasant from Swindon is today's Total Wipeout champion.
And he is most certainly not a wally.
But he is a buffoon, a nincompoop, an imbecile, a dufus...
It's a great app! That's all for today, but join me next time,
when there'll be some people falling off things,
some other people falling off things
and, in a Total Wipeout exclusive,
there will be some people falling off things!
From Amanda and me, goodbye.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail [email protected]
The biggest and brashest game show on television is back. Hosted by Richard Hammond and Amanda Byram, the show welcomes a set of contestants to Argentina to take on the wrath of some seriously hard obstacles in the hope of bagging £10,000 pounds and the magnificent trophy.
The Qualifier sees the welcome return of the Big Red Balls, as well as fresh challenges such as the Ring-a-Dings, a set of tyre-like obstacles that turn even the average solicitor into a contortionist! The Motivator provides a little help for those feeling reluctant to throw themselves of the edge, and the Dodgeball Boys provide added impetus in the form of wet foam bullets on Dizzy Dummies.
Each programme culminates in the Wipeout Zone where things get really competitive in order to win the prize and a lifetime of respect. The action is better than ever, the laughs are bigger than ever and the competition is harder than ever before.