Episode 3 Total Wipeout

Argentina, home of the soaring peaks of the Andes,

the sweeping plains of Patagonia,

and the world-famous Total Wipeout course.

And now it's also the home of Total Wipeout.

Oh, I just said that, didn't I?

20 valiant Brits, including a professor, a poet and a rat catcher,

have travelled to Buenos Aires to take on the world's most thrilling assault course.

One gets branded "winner".

The other 19 just get branded.

Unleash the pain.

Welcome once again to the BAFTA award-eligible show Total Wipeout.

Now, I think it was the author and poet Dr Johnson who famously said,

"When a man is tired of people falling in water, he is tired of life."

And if you're thinking of checking the internet to see if that's an accurate quote, don't bother, OK?

Just trust me. Time to find out the science behind tonight's course.

The Qualifier: water plus big balls equals entertainment.

Crash Mountain. Water plus rotating beam equals amusement.

Dizzy Done It. Dizziness plus obstacles equals nausea.

And the Wipeout Zone.

Danger times danger equals very danger.

So the course is ready. The competitors are ready.

Just need to get myself in the zone.

Right, Hammond ready, which means it's time to hand over to the lady who laughs in the face of danger.

Sorry, no, the lady who laughs in the face of people in danger.

It's Amanda Byron.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Siana from Scotland,

who is fearless, rufty-tufty, and has an amazing job.

Siana, tell everyone.

I'm a freelance white water raft guide.

-So, is everybody at home rooting for you?

-Yep.

My family are like the Scottish mafia, if I don't win, somebody might be in a bit of trouble.

-If you don't win, are they going to put a horse's head in your bed?

-In your bed.

Well you'd better win then, Siana! Off you pop.

Pain is just weakness leaving the body. This is going to be easy!

Easy? Famous last word.

So, Siana is off, and faces the first obstacle.

In the days of yore...

well, a couple of months ago, a combination of foam, plank and

dodgy hinges struck fear into the hearts of Total Wipeout competitors.

And what was this obstacle's name?

That wasn't a rhetorical question - I genuinely can't remember.

Oh, hang on, it was...ah, yes!

Rake In The Face. Here she goes, then. Crikey!

There she went, that's amazing. Second lot,

this is...was incredible.

That was incredible, too, though in a different sort of way.

Stuck between the rake and a soft place.

I'm guessing that hurt.

Well, a fast and eventful start. Sucker Punch now.

22 pneumatic fists. One muddy pit.

Like Siana said, "Easy".

Actually, looking good so far.

Oh.

The white water rafter tries her hand at brown water rafting there.

She's doing well overall, but uh-oh, look what's next.

They're big.

They're red.

They're balls.

There are four of them.

That's all I've got to say about them, really.

Siana heads up the ramp. The Motivator is poised.

She doesn't need it, she's away! One, two, three...

Ah, it looked so good!

An exceptional effort from Siana.

A three-baller.

Only the fastest 12 go through to the next round, so Siana needs to get her swim on, because next...

..it's the return of the Screaming Letters Of Sh, brainchild of

Argentina's finest minds in a fusion of ground-breaking technology.

A clever combination of a swinging thing and the letters S and H.

Whatever it is, it's impossible.

Except when he did it. What's his name? And her. What's her face?

Yeah, nearly impossible.

So, how will Siana cope?

She's got to do this, otherwise her family is going to put a horse's head in my bed.

This is all about timing.

Ooh! She tries to jump the S.

No, told you. It's nearly impossible. It is.

Drags herself up the stairs to finish in 2 minutes and 10 seconds.

A superb effort, and I'm not just saying that

so her family don't bury me in concrete.

So a great start for the girls.

Now for the first of the boys.

Gentle giant Mark.

A bakery driver from Manchester.

So, Mark, what is it that you do?

I'm the bread man! I'm definitely going to win!

HE ROARS

Subtle(!)

So, will Mark use his loaf?!

I'm sorry! Or just end up looking like a doughnut?

I'm sorrier about that.

I'm the bread man, and I need this dough!

Bakery puns, that's just cheap.

Right, here we go, the rakes first. He's off.

Oooh, right in the cob!

Tidal wave.

Creating quite a splash.

Ooh!

Unfortunately for wholemeal Mark, his rake problems aren't over yet.

There's one more set to go, but I'm sure he'll do better this time.

Yes...

Oh, crumbs!

Right in the cake hole!

Sorry.

I'm sure he bit off a piece of it.

Time for wholemeal Mark to take on the biggest dough balls

he's ever seen.

Here we go. This could be good.

Oh, no!

That's a lot of baker.

Our bakery man needs to get a move on if he's to top the leaderboard.

Here we go. Oh...

d'oh! You see? D'ough...

Yeah, OK.

Mark definitely not going to beat Siana now.

Swimming to the steps, he finishes in three minutes and six seconds.

Certainly not the best time since sliced bread.

There you go.

How are you feeling after that? A little bit like brown bread?

Oh dear, I'm tired.

Who's next? Well, this is 55-year-old and Jackie, a chicken farm receptionist from Norfolk.

Do chickens need a receptionist?

She's a grandmother, and...

I'm completely lost for words here.

-Game old bird, then, Jackie?

-Yes I am. I'm ready.

I'm going to fly over all those things.

Yeah. The chicken is a flightless bird.

But maybe Jackie will soar across the course.

Here she goes.

Yes.

Ooh, un-clucky.

Chickens don't swim, do they?

The rakes doing their job, making people look silly, then dumping them in the water.

That's what they're for. So clucky Jackie approaches the balls. Slowly.

A bit low on energy by now, I think.

I just thought, did anyone tell Jackie about the Motivator? Anybody?

She does need to know that it's there. Oh no!

Oooh, a narrow escape.

Jackie, on to the swinging letters...

and off it.

And back on!

Oh, now she's lying back whilst thinking up a new strategy. OK.

Oh, interesting strategy!

Just didn't work.

Jackie finishes the qualifier in a time of four minutes and 56 seconds.

Poor Jackie can't even muster the energy for a chicken dance.

Oh, she can!

Hooray for us!

What's that, kung-fu chicken?

-Wow!

-Yes.

Thank goodness, this one looks normal.

SHE TRUMPETS

I'm going to be horse on this course!

Where do we get them from?

Seriously, this is Tess, a PA from Hertfordshire.

Oh! And she's fallen at the first!

I shall name that rake Eduardo's Brook.

Listen, you're looking very pretty, very glam - are you sure about all that mud and stuff?

Of course, I love it.

Well, having got dirty on the Sucker Punch, time to get clean on the Balls.

Righto - she's saddled up and ready to take that jump.

Off gallops Tess.

Time to giddy up...and giddy down.

A rare mid-air spin there, coupled with the look of fear.

I love skiing, jet-skiing and just getting dirty.

SHE GIGGLES

It's the final straight for Trot-On Tess - just the Swinging Shs to go.

Oh, Tess trots tentatively to the S...

Oh... Oh...

Never mind, Tess.

What a mare!

Trot-On Tess finishes in a time of three minutes and nine seconds.

The next contestant has a story to tell, literally.

Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I shall begin

the Book of Lee.

Once upon a time, there was a boy called Lee.

Lee was a charming, simple boy, as you can see here.

Very simple. The 18-year-old English student travelled to a dangerous foreign land to seek his fortune.

He showed no fear, until the wicked witch Byram

put a spell on him, which made him incapable of speaking.

Chapter Two - The Intrepid Journey.

It all started so promisingly for Lee.

Until he was deep inside the cursed forest of rakes.

SHE CACKLES

Chapter Three -

poor Lee became trapped by the wicked witch's stinky bog,

before being defeated by the Red Spheroids Of Doom

and the legendary Letter Labyrinth.

Because Lee failed his quest,

the witch's spell lasted for an eternity -

poor Lee would never speak normally again.

THEY SPEAK INCOMPREHENSIBLY

I've got to say, I prefer The Da Vinci Code myself.

Anyway, on with today's competition.

Meet James, a reggae-loving, creative-writing student from Chichester.

He's a slam poet, and it looks like he needs the lavatory.

Life's like a game show, they jest, one month ago around the Round Table

And yes, today that's true

Plan A, jump high, Plan B, fall small

Plan C, laugh loud and Plan D, live tall,

Because in the end, it's Total Wipeout for us all.

That's quite beautiful.

Hang on, my turn...

I am a presenter called Mandy

At sussing contestants, I'm handy

I've watched your technique, it may look quite sweet

But your legs are a little too bandy.

That's even better!

REGGAE MUSIC

If you're going to be a bear, be a grizzly. BEAR ROARS

So let's bring up the beat!

I believe that's Keats.

He leaps on to the rakes.

Ooh, this is a very controlled performance.

Oh, hang on.

Clear - on to the second set.

And... Oh!

This is amazing stuff, he's through!

Right... There once was a young man from Chichester...

Er... No, I can't think of anything that rhymes with Chichester.

No, I've got nothing. Never mind.

Wow! One, two, three...

Whoa! Oh, Slam Dunk James!

He's like a clown. Whe-he-he-hey!

He-hey!

Whe-he-he, whe-he-he!

OK, I'll try again. There once was a young man called James,

who was excellent on swinging maze games.

Oh! Yeah, great.

Now my rhyme is factually inaccurate - thanks a lot, James.

That's career finished. He was jealous.

It's a good effort, though.

If painful. So, Slam Dunk James

finishes in a scorching 2.04 -

shame there wasn't time for me to compose a decent rhyme in there.

Lots of people have attempted this course, but what this show's missing is a true intellectual powerhouse,

someone who can see beyond the physical, someone with noodle power.

Uh...

Ladies and gentlemen, I've just had some incredible news.

The next competitor is Total Wipeout's first-ever university professor.

What were the chances?!

Finally, someone on my wavelength.

I'm honoured to introduce Professor...Jimmy.

MUSIC: "Mastermind Theme"

Hello and welcome, Professor Jimmy from Ballyclare.

-Oh, gosh!

-Ha-ha!

Don't worry, he's just warming up.

I'm sure he'll be blinding us with his intellect any moment.

So, Professor Jimmy - do you have what it takes to beat that qualifier today?

Yes, I do, Amanda, and, er...

Agh!

Did you check he didn't just buy his qualification off the internet?

Well, I think you should.

I don't think professors are even allowed to be called Jimmy.

They're all called things like Maximilian and Edgar.

Right, time for the first look at today's leaderboard.

In pole position is Slam Dunk James,

just behind is Whitewater Siana, followed by Wholemeal Mark.

In fourth spot is the Book of Lee,

closely followed by Trot-On Tess and Clucky Jackie.

And still to speak, let alone start, is Professor Jimmy.

Can I just check something?

No. Let's hope the next competitor can string some words together.

I'm here at the top of the qualifier with Peter,

who's a motivational manager from Glasgow.

So, Mr Motivator, how do you motivate?

We work with young people in schools,

and we inspire them to basically take personal responsibility.

They're not going to win the lottery.

Don't wait for things to happen, make them happen. So...

I think it's OK to fail, you know. People think it's not OK

but it is, it's part of life.

A lot of people don't do things, are scared, and fear the failure

because they don't want to try something else,

they might succeed, they might build confidence.

-Get out there.

-Are...

-Opportunities come up.

I went to Canada, I went to America, I went to New York,

I went to Venice, I went to Prague.

Do things, because you might not get a chance again.

So, Peter really can talk the talk, but can he walk the walk?

No. No.

But he can fall the fall.

He's not the only one getting tripped up

on those tricky, huge foamy so-and-sos today.

Meet BFFs 24-year-old wedding co-ordinator Lily -

oh, best friends for ever -

..And 24-year-old reservations clerk Raquel.

How will they fare against those pesky rakes?

I've got three words for you - bring it on!

Fighting talk already from Raquel.

Oh! Just lost her way there.

What about her pal Lily?

I may be little and I may be small, but I'm not afraid of those big red balls!

Yeah, it's not the balls you need to worry about right now.

See what I mean?

Just too rakey for her.

OK, we need to get someone special on this.

I'm Extra-Special K, and I taste good!

Now, that's handy.

What can accountant Special Kurran do?

Oh, yeah, that's really special!

Extra-special!

What can he do on the Sucker Punch?

Ooh! That's...

Oh, I've run out of superlatives.

Painful. Yeah, it will have been.

OK, the Balls.

On. Balls. Off.

Nice dismount there.

Right, back to Motormouth Pete - can he motivate himself? No! No!

Ouch! I'm guessing that hurt.

So, Special Kurran finishes in a great 2.59,

Raquel in 4.08

and Lily crawls home in 5.33.

But look at Motormouth Pete - a sterling run, 2.36 -

and I'm betting he'll have something to say about that...

Oh! That's not easy.

Oh! That it?

He's lost the power of motivational speech.

Oh! Good news!

Apparently, Professor Jimmy - you'll remember him...

Has finally rehearsed something to say!

I might be tall and I may be old.

But these here muscles are made of gold.

As a... I'm a... Ohh!

Professor Doofus.

Anyway, meet Sam a fast food worker from Dudley.

Aaaaaaah!

Normally I'm flipping the burgers and serving the food

but today I'm going to eat this course for dinner.

Do you want fries with that?

Oooh, French fries.

Can you get me some fries?

And two cheeseburgers and those miniature doughnut things...

That's what... Yeah, right. Where are we? Oh! Yes, she's fallen off.

Commentating - that's Sam Burger versus Sucker Punch.

Wow! What strength, what determination!

-Argh!

-Oh, what a shame!

# It was burgers and fries and cherry pies in a world

# We used to know...#

Oh, my God!

Sam Burger approaches the Big Balls.

Without relish. Motivator swings...

Oh! Sam slides.

A textbook double-knee mud slide there. Not often seen but well done.

Sam Burger finishes in a time of 5.11.

-That was easy!

-No, it wasn't.

I'm joined now at the top of the qualifier

by 52-year-old Kevin from Redditch.

-Kevin, what is it you do for a living?

-I do pest control, Amanda.

OK, so if I've got a problem with big bugs and stuff

and I happen to live in the Redditch area, who am I going to call?

Kevin Masters!

# If there's something strange in the neighbourhood

# Who you gonna call... #

Kevin Masters!

Is it just me or is this getting a bit weird now? That's odd...

# ..Who you gonna call? #

Kevin Masters.

You've heard of Batman, you've heard of Superman

get out of the way, here comes the Ratman.

So it's Ratman Kevin versus the Big Balls.

# Who can you call? Ghost...#

..Busted.

Onto the Swinging Letters Of Shhh.

Ooooh!

Who's he going to call?

Probably his chiropractor, I imagine.

Ratman Kevin finishes.

If there are any rats watching, they must be loving this.

Top of the pile, it's still Slam Dunk James

and Motormouth Pete's in third.

Special Kurran's in fourth.

And these tail-enders are in danger.

Ratman Kevin is eighth.

Plucky Jackie, Sam Burger and BFF Lily -

unlike Professor Jimmy who's probably too busy theorising

about his speciality subject, speaking.

Nope. Just a quick seminar on waltzing.

Seriously...?

Is someone going to find out if he's a real professor?

Well, who're you going to call?

-MUSIC: "Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker Jr

-No, no!

-Stop that right now.

-MUSIC STOPS

Thank you.

Ratman Kevin is no use to us now.

What we need is a real superhero.

This is 36 year old Hayley from Essex. Superhero outfit - check.

Underpants outside of the tights - check.

I used to be large but now I'm lean and hard. Come on!

I don't understand! Anyway, by day she's an information specialist,

but by night she's an information specialist who dresses up.

Her superpower - plummeting, obviously.

The next contestant is a real superhero.

Rachel is an actual world-class sportswoman.

Let me guess.

OK, running? Swimming? Cycling?.

Rounders.

Oh, dear.

Another let down, just like that so-called professor.

Anyway, rakes versus Rachel.

Oh!

She's up.

Oh!

A world-class fall there from the world-class rounders champ.

-So Rounders Rach must go a few rounds...

-Argh!

-See what...?

What was that?

Why did... OK. It might help.

Oh! That's just not cricket, is it?

Or even rounders.

Rachel not looking her best right now.

-Urgh!

-Sorry.

-I didn't mean it, just all that mud. Never mind.

-Aaaaah!

-WHISPERS:

-She's lost her mind.

Oh dear, she's lost her balance.

Avoided the Motivator.

Just not the water.

Rounders Rach on the Swinging Letters Of Shhh - shocking.

So, super-sporty Rachel finishes in a time of 3.42.

Whoo!

This is Andy, a 22-year-old journalism student

from Welwyn Garden City.

Hope he does the entire course like that, could be good.

-Just hit a stone...

-That's a danger.

Right, Andy, I know you'd really like to be a TV reporter

so, erm, how about you take the mic and interview me?

Yeah. Shall we go? Right, well, Amanda, how are you doing?

How are you feeling, how...

That's a good start.

Yeah, Amanda, fear for your job.

He's good. Plus he can do the Worm.

I'm ice-cool Andy

and I'm going to worm my way through this Wipeout course.

Come on!

He looks psyched! Right, Wiggly Andy is off and running.

Oh.

-Wow!

-Yes!

That's amazing insight from our Argentinian correspondent there.

This is good though. He's doing very well. Come on, Wiggles!

Andy now onto the Sucker Punch.

Ooh!

He's off but he's out of the mud.

This guy's looking good.

Seriously quick. Wiggly-wiggly Andy onto the Big Balls.

One, two, three, four...

Kind of. Over to Amanda...

-Andy is clinging on for dear life.

-Thank you, Amanda.

Oooh, amazing! He's up and running.

He's going to make it past the Swinging Letters...

Oh! No he's not.

An update from Amanda.

Breaking news just in - Andy is doing ridiculously well.

And hauling himself up the steps,

-Andy finishes in an amazing time of 1.11.

-Yes!

Give that man a Pulitzer Prize.

-That was out of this world, brilliant!

-Thank you.

What can I say, piece of cake.

It's like taking candy from a baby.

-Whoo!

-All right, steady, plenty of people find it tricky.

Maybe that's the secret, wiggling. And then more wiggling.

And then some more wiggling.

That's it! And now two competitors who belong to one of the toughest tribes on the planet.

-Grrrr!

-Ha, ha, ha!

Geordies.

There's 44-year-old company director Karen.

I'm from Newcastle so I'm from the Toon.

If I beat this course, I'll be over the moon.

I am the Angel Of The North.

And dance graduate Ian.

Are you sure he's a Geordie, he's wearing tweed?

Yeah, definitely Geordie.

Don't take this the wrong way but you don't strike me as being a theatrical dancer, Ian.

Oooh, well...

MUSIC: "In The Summertime" by Mungo Jerry

So is that dancing? Or is that just a bee in his trousers?

Ohhh! I feel so hot right now.

Yup. Karen is the first Geordie on the course.

Hi! I'm the Angel Of The North!

Hang on... No, she really is the Angel Of The North.

I'm the granny-dancing beast from the north east

-and I'm going to rock this dinosaur.

-I don't understand that!

Geordie-Legs Ian sets off.

Nice start.

Ohh! Bit of a wobble.

-But he's up and past the first set.

-Yes!

Those Geordie legs looking very calm and controlled.

Unlike when he was dancing I think it was before.

He's up and made it across!

How's Karen getting on?

OK, Karen seems to be back to her normal self,

getting ready for this Angel to fly.

Or just totter about precariously. That's fine too. Slow and steady...

-Aaaaah!

-No!

Ian on the big balls, go go, Geordie Legs.

Ah, swim swim, Geordie Legs.

# Geordie's lost his liggie...#

He got his sideburns wet.

# ..Geordie's lost his liggie

# Along the Scotswood Road... #

Meanwhile, back at the Sucker Punch.

Just as before, slow and steady progress.

Geordie Legs on the Shhh... Oh! Shocking.

It's like Saturday night at the Quayside, everyone is legless.

And Ian completes the Qualifier in 1.42.

Oh!

The Angel Of The North back at the Big Balls. Fly, Angel, Fly!

Cling on, Angel, cling on!

You can do it.

Onto the third ball...

Slide, Angel, slide.

And Karen finishes in 4.35.

-So, that's 17 contestants, just three to go.

-PHONE RINGS

But the big question now...

Could someone get that phone, please?

That's really unprofessional.

It shouldn't even be switched on.

Hang on, it's mine.

Sorry.

Hello.

-# Who you gonna call...#

-..Kevin Masters

Who gave him my number?

Oh, look.

BOUNCING

SMASHING

Anyway, three competitors to go.

Blah, blah, blah. Back to the course.

Tom, what is it you do for a living?

I signal trains, yes. Signalling trains, yes.

Will there be a delay out there on the Qualifier today?

Not at all. No obstructions, it's green lights all the way.

I will not stop short of any obstruction.

I will under my own authority proceed, proceed, proceed.

-Hold it there, Thomas.

-HORN SOUNDS

OK, proceed.

So, Tom the Tank Engine chugs across the rakes.

Derailed.

-TANNOY:

-Delays may now occur

due to the wrong kind of water in Tom's trainers.

On to the second set now.

Proceed, proceed, proceed, Tom.

Oh!

Train signaller Tom now tries to make sure

no pneumatic boxing gloves are directed into his face.

He's doing well and he's over. First class.

Now, Tom will be hoping for a one-way ticket across the balls.

Instead it's a return journey into the wet stuff.

Who knew train signallers could be so amusing when they do this?

And Tom The Tank Engine finishes.

Signal, past the danger!

Just a little bit behind schedule. Meet 33-year-old law student Davina.

Surely she's not going to wear that outfit to do the course.

Davina, that is some outfit for one outfit!

Meow!

-Yes, do you like?

-Absolutely love it.

-What's with the leopard, cat thing going on?

-I've got four cats.

Hello! It's Missy, Monkey, Spots and Socks. They're watching.

I'm not sure they can hear you.

They can, and I bet they're meowing at the screen right now. Hello, babies!

And then he said, "Hakuna matata!"

Davina sets off. Get ready for some feline agility.

That's one of her nine lives gone!

Cats don't like water, do they?

It looks like the same goes for Davina.

I hope she doesn't burst the balls with her claws.

So, that's seven lives left.

And Davina makes it to the finish line, eventually.

Won't her cats be proud!

I did it!

And I bet you're thinking that's all 20 of tonight's contestants through the Qualifier.

But no! One remains.

Can you guess who it is?

I might be tall, and I may be old, but these here muscles are made of gold!

Yep, it's Professor Jimmy.

Finally, off he goes.

I must be just about the toughest old boy in town!

When I run, I'm like lightning! Man, it's frightening!

He's getting the hang of this now.

When I see an obstacle, I smash it down! Smash, smash, smash!

Smash, smash, smash. Yeah.

I'm like a rainbow in the sky as I fly by!

I love this guy! I could watch him a lot!

Just a sec.

It's all gone a bit wrong again, look.

He's tired. But valuable thinking time for Jimmy now.

Nobody has crossed this today.

As I said from the outset, impossible.

I bet he gets tables in restaurants and everything, being a professor.

Today's Qualifier finishes with a monumental effort from

the Professor. Let's see who has qualified.

Taking top spot through to Crash Mountain is Wiggly, Wiggly Andy,

swiftly followed by Geordie Legs Ian and Slam Dunk James.

Tom The Tank Engine chugs into fifth.

Further down the leader board, Wholemeal Mark comes in eighth.

And just running into 12th base is Rounders Rach.

So, that means we now have to say goodbye to eight courageous competitors.

I'm not upset about that! I broke my phone!

I've still got loads of credit left!

It's just a senseless waste.

# Crying over you

# Crying over you

# Crying

# Crying. #

Crash Mountain. This mechanical monster separates the men from the boys,

the women from the girls, and possibly the torso from the legs.

The first five to the middle progress to Dizzy Dummies.

Time for a reminder of the Crash Mountain contenders.

On podium one, it's Wholemeal Mark.

Don't mess with the bread man!

On two and three, Tom The Tank Engine...

..and Rat Man Kevin.

I may have been down, I may have been out, but this Rat Man is still in with a shout!

On four, five, six and seven,

it's White Water Siana, Special Kurran...

-They're nervous. ..Rounders Rach...

-Hi!

..and Motormouth Pete.

Quietly motivating himself there.

On podium eight and nine, it's Trot-On Tess...

Toot, toot! I'm going to whip you guys into shape!

-..and the Book of Lee.

-Yeah!

That's just the short-story version there.

On ten, it's Wiggly, Wiggly Andy.

Come on!

And finally, on podiums 11 and 12, Geordie Legs Ian...

Bread Man, I'm going to cover you in flour, bake you and scatter your buns across this mountain!

I'm scared. Mark's not too worried, though.

-Finally, Slam Dunk James.

-Ow ow ow!

Some call it brutal.

What am I saying? They all call it brutal! It's Crash Mountain!

-Are you all ready? ALL:

-Yeah!

They won't be that excited in a minute! Three, two, one...

KLAXON BLARES

And so Crash Mountain begins. Who will be the first brave pioneer to step onto the rotating platform?

Somebody's got to do it. Come on.

Lee goes for it. He didn't even get close.

Come on, guys!

Now, Kurran jumps for it.

Lost his footing.

Wiggly, Wiggly Andy now. He's on safely.

Oh, no, not safely after all.

A wiggle, a hit and a splash landing. Tres elegant.

Andy's accident hasn't put off Tom The Tank Engine, though. He's on.

Momentarily!

Come on! Ian jumps with those Geordie legs.

Wholemeal Mark. Ooh!

They're all having a go now! And all failing.

Motormouth Pete steps out, slips off.

Slam Dunk James picks his moment.

The wrong moment that he picked there. The best attempt so far.

But still no-one in the middle. Siana's down.

Rach is down.

Lee has another go, and another swim.

Tess is onto the big spoon. She's staying low, dodging that rotating beam.

-But she needs to get up and get going.

-Gallop, woman, gallop!

No!

Or just throw yourself off.

Throwing himself on is Andy.

Motormouth Pete is on.

Any day now!

Yes, Pete is up.

And now he's down. Really down.

A rattling blow to the hip.

That was very ow-y, I'd say.

Here's James, looking good.

He's on! The slam poet is the first to the summit.

And he's inspired Tom The Tank Engine!

Two on now.

Yes, Wiggly, Wiggly Andy just won't give up.

Or stay on.

A fruitless but spectacular attempt to hang on from Wiggly, Wiggly Andy.

Who's next? Rounders Rach.

She's on, ducking.

Up, runs for it.

No! So close! But all shattered.

Spectacular flip, though.

Kevin has not moved off his podium. Literally hasn't moved.

Until now, Amanda.

No point trying to call the Rat Man Kevin now. He is busy.

-Wait a minute. He's just become available.

-Oh!

What a hit!

Wiggly, Wiggly Andy again.

This is looking good.

He's up, and he's onto the centre!

He's made it. Three places taken. Two remain.

So, still battling for them are Wholemeal Mark,

White Water Siana, Special Kurran, Trot-On Tess, the Book of Lee,

Rat Man Kevin, Geordie Legs Ian and Rounders Rach.

And it's Rach who makes the first bid.

Come on, Rachel.

Doing it for the chicks.

Onto her feet. And immediately swept off them quite violently.

A full 360-degree spin from Rachel there.

The Geordie Legs start running.

And Ian is on!

-One more to go, people!

-Now things are getting tense.

Who will it be?

Not Kurran. Rat Man Kevin. He's on.

And he scurries for it.

And that's the final five.

Kevin, James, Tom, Andy and Ian.

It's an all-boy Dizzy Dummies.

It's like the Take That reunion!

But with crash helmets.

And foam, and water. And bruises.

It's all very well those five chaps celebrating their success.

But it should be remembered that

seven unlucky contenders have just had their Total Wipeout dreams shattered.

And I think that right now you should spare them a thought.

Just one thought, mind.

Don't go overboard.

I'm very frustrated that I didn't get into the next round.

I nearly got there. I just fluffed it right at the end.

I can't believe it. Totally messed up.

Couldn't put my right foot in front of my left, got wiped out.

You give it your all, and it just wasn't good enough.

I almost made it a lot of times, but I messed it up.

I didn't quite get there.

It's pretty manic, really.

Not an easy thing at all.

And not even one girl went through.

Five guys took over the girls.

If any of the guys are going to throw up in Dizzy Dummies, it'd best be Ian.

See it spraying into his mutton chops!

So close, but yet so far.

It's too wobbly for me.

I'm a big lad, so... I'm still loud!

So, five contestants are spun at breakneck speed in the modified kebab rotisserie,

and then released to stagger over the rotating carousel goal.

Keeping them refreshed, and the grass watered, is Argentina's crack fire-fighting squad.

Then it's a stumble across the Tippy-Table Maze.

The last person to the other side will be eliminated.

Then the whole thing happens again, but this time they face the Crazy Beams, pelted by the dodgeballers.

The last person across will be disposed of. Doesn't matter how.

And then you have your three finalists.

I often wonder if we should find a kind and friendly way to eliminate contestants from this show.

But that would be called Total Wimp-out, and that's no name for a show. Bring on the pain!

-Are you all ready? (ALL)

-Yeah!

Pain waits for no man!

Three, two, one!

Right, before they get started, a quick reminder of today's Dizzy Dummies.

There's Slam Dunk James.

So, let's bring up the peace!

The only reggae-singing slam poet to qualify for this round.

Representing sideburns and the Toon Army...

..it's Geordie Legs Ian.

Hopefully not terminating here - all change, all change -

it's Tom The Tank Engine.

Next, he's half man, half worm.

It's Wriggly, Wriggly Andy.

And finally, the Pied Piper of Redditch himself...

-Get out of the way! Here comes the Rat Man!

-..Rat Man Kevin.

I feel nauseous just watching!

Bleurgh! It's OK. A bit came up but I swallowed it back down.

I'm all right, carry on. Right, release the Dummies. Andy's out quickly.

The first three out get a hosing on their way to the carousel goal.

James is over the goal post,

and storming ahead - in the wrong direction!

James, what are you doing?!

Where are you going?!

Uh...!

I'm not sure James can blame that on dizziness. That's just stupidness.

Further back, Tom struggling on the carousel.

But Andy motoring ahead. And on the right bit of the course.

On to the second Tippy-Table Maze next. Not easy.

With one shoe missing, is that?

Yeah. Oh, and he's slipped in.

So, Geordie Legs Ian takes the lead.

Whereas Rat Man Kevin needs to call for some help.

James gets a slam dunking.

Ian hanging on. No, falling off.

Sorry, spoke too soon. And that puts Andy back in the lead.

While Kevin's still having trouble with that carousel, which is barely an obstacle at all.

Andy, though, nearly there. Could be his last move now.

-And he's across!

-Come on!

The Rat Man still on the carousel.

Now, Tom The Tank Engine steams towards the finish line.

Just one jump. And he's also through!

Show-off. That's just silly. James has got on the correct obstacle again, and he's looking good.

James realises that's the obstacle he should have been on in the first place.

That makes three. Only one place left. Is it...?

It's not going to be Rat Man Kevin? No.

Ian jumps for it, and makes it!

Kevin's still trying so hard!

Oh, come on, Kev. This has been a noble effort.

Big finish now.

Keep trying!

This is determination.

And that is a little victory for Kevin. A very, very little one. Tiny.

-At least I got through it!

-You did, Kevin! Well done.

-My pest controller, you just got exterminated!

-I think I did, yeah!

-Just one bit too far.

-Listen, did I blink and miss it?

-I don't think I saw you actually getting very far at all, did you?

-I got through the goal.

Don't call us, Kevin, and we'll agree not to call you.

Of course, the prize those four chaps get for progressing is...

..another go on the tumble dryer.

Here we go.

Honestly, I don't envy them.

It's kind of poetic like that, though, isn't it?

Strangely beautiful, in a hideous sort of way.

It's not, really, is it?

No, it's just silly.

Right, second Dizzy Dummies. First three across go to the Wipeout Zone.

And it's Andy off first.

And James is just off.

What has happened to James' brain?!

He's too busy thinking of rhymes for things. Andy storms ahead.

It's dodgeball o'clock.

Wiggly, Wiggly Andy edges along the Crazy Beams.

He's not been put off by the little red balls being thrown at him.

Yes, Andy, dodgeballs. That's what they've got.

They're dodgeballers - thousands of them, though.

At the back, Tom's finally over the goalposts.

But Andy has nearly finished.

Ooh, look at that! Out of nowhere, James is over, and so is Andy.

Pipped to the post, Andy!

What a leap from Slam Dunk James!

Straight into the Wipeout Zone. It's down to Geordie Legs Ian and Tom The Tank Engine for that final place.

Ian's not quite got the grace of James, but he's hanging on.

It looks like that final place is Ian's for the taking now, though.

Tom a long way back.

And Ian launches himself into the Wipeout Zone.

He's through.

Which means Tom The Tank Engine is heading to the scrap yard.

-Tommy!

-Amanda!

-Your tank engine ran out of steam.

-It certainly wasn't inter-city, was it?!

So, journalism student Wiggly, Wiggly Andy, arts-development officer Geordie Legs Ian and

all-round creative Slam Dunk James have made it to the Wipeout Zone.

It's the classic battle between two young bucks and an older bloke with comedy mutton chops.

Think I should grow a set? I could - bushy...

I set myself a challenge - to do something new each month.

This, I think, tops the lot so far. It's really so much fun.

Hurrah!

It's been an amazing experience.

The red balls, I thought they would do me,

and I'm looking forward to breaking the Wipeout Zone record!

Yes!

A slam poem is a form of poetry. It's my battle cry.

Ow, ow, ow!

The trials, the trips, the slips, a wrong course taken, but I've arrived at this certain destination.

My friend, see you on the course!

At the moment I'm feeling quite chilled, I think.

Right now my mind's just a blank piece of paper.

But when I'm on that course, I'm going to absorb it and drift right down to the end. First place.

I've always been a winner, and I know when I get to that Wipeout zone,

I'm going to have it!

Andy, he's very cocky, sure of himself, but I'll think he'll come a cropper.

I'm not too worried about Ian that much.

I'm younger, I'm fitter, I'm up for it.

I know I'm a short lad, but he's petite.

And when that waterway comes down, I think it'll wash him away!

-The only person I'm worried about is James.

-I don't know about Andy.

-Hopefully he'll take himself out.

-James, I don't think he's got the stamina.

He burns himself out too quickly.

There is no question about it. I will win.

I'll definitely take the right route this time.

People might take my confidence as being really cocky.

It's got me to the final, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

I know that I am the oldest tonight.

But those two young punks don't have a chance, really!

The Wipeout Zone begins with a terrifying slide down the Killer Surf.

Then it's a rapid climb up the Rapid Climb.

They've got just ten seconds before the tidal wave is unleashed.

Next, the Seesaw of Truth - just a seesaw -

followed by a wonky walk past the Crazy Sweeper.

After that, there's still the Tarzan Swing and Turntable to defeat

before the competitors can land on the finish podium, hit that big red button and stop the clock.

The fastest is crowned Total Wipeout champion.

Whatever you're doing, stop!

Pay attention at the back, because this is going to be a Wipeout Zone to remember.

Three extremely determined men.

One extremely difficult course. And Ian is the first to go.

Watch those Geordie legs propel Ian up the stairs.

Get some hot towels, I think he's about to give birth up there!

Breathe, Ian! Go, Ian.

And off goes Ian!

Into the water upside-down, and first it's a swim to the Rapid Climb.

Ian's clearly up for this. Lots of self-motivation going on there.

Otherwise known as talking to yourself.

That's what it is, really, isn't it?

Once Ian hauls himself up, he's got ten seconds before

a tidal wave is unleashed down the slope.

He's up, and there it goes.

Ten seconds. That's all.

Ooh, is he going to make it?!

Look at those Geordie legs go. He might just avoid the wave here.

-He's done it.

-By the hairs on his chinny chin chin!

There's a lot of them. But it was enough. Next, the Seesaw of Truth.

The truth being, it's just a seesaw. Just need to be careful.

A fall here would be bad news.

This is good, steady progress.

Oh, the crowd love that.

Now Ian takes on the Crazy Sweeper.

Looks like he's going for a duck-and-run strategy.

Oh, misjudged that!

That was quite a blow, but he did well to hang on.

A fall this early would steel his motivation.

Now he's up and running for it. Come on, Geordie Legs, quicker, quicker!

It's after you! Fantastic stuff!

Tarzan Swing now. The rope and Ian's hands will be slippery by now.

This won't be easy.

Oh, he's spun in mid-air!

But he's onto the Turntable.

Just one leap left for those Geordie legs now.

This will be a good time. Incredible!

One minute and 42 seconds. That will take some beating, if it's possible.

Ian's run was near-flawless.

He beat the tidal wave and the Crazy Sweeper.

He didn't fall once. Andy and James really have their work cut out now.

Oh, my goodness! That was pretty incredible from where I'm standing.

-How was it for you?

-It was incredible as well.

Exhausting. Hopefully it will be a good time to beat!

Well, Ian, your time was one minute and 42 seconds.

Yes! Come on! Fingers crossed.

Andy is next. Are you ready for this?

-Yes. I wish him all the best.

-Well done, my man.

Stand back.

Here comes Wiggly, Wiggly Andy.

I'm going to win!

Shouty as well as wiggly today.

Watch - I'm going to break records! Come on, let's go!

He's off.

And he's in.

ANDY SCREAMS

Wow, that was a high-pitched scream, wasn't it?!

Remember, Wiggly, Wiggly Andy doesn't know how well Ian did.

He's just aiming for the best time possible.

Up and onto the ramp,

and the ten-second tidal-wave countdown starts now.

Andy's making light work of the Rapid Climb. Straight through it.

Seesaw of Truth now. And again, Andy looking comfortable.

This is a very quick start.

Now things get tougher. It's the Crazy Sweeper.

He runs, then a tactical duck.

Now he's off again. Great balance, very fast.

And he's across, making that look easy.

Will Andy do as well as Ian on the Rope Swing?

Got to make this count.

He swings. He lands.

Unbelievable!

One jump to go.

And Andy finishes in one minute, seven seconds!

That is a new Wipeout Zone record.

That is astonishing. Andy said at the top of Killer Surf that he was

going to break records and that's what he has done, in style.

It's over to Amanda to give him the good news.

Wow, you are pumped! You started that pumped, went through it pumped, and you are finishing it pumped.

Yes, most certainly!

-Winning is winning! Come on!

-I'm taking it you want to win?!

Oh, yes! I don't settle for second. Only first.

I have to tell you, Andy, Ian was incredible out there tonight.

You were the one to beat all day today.

He's still the one to beat. He's faster than you. Hard luck.

Go and join the others.

Andy, what do I say, my man?

You are the one to beat, but James is pretty strong competition, and he's up next.

Let's watch.

So, in order to claim that trophy and the ten-grand prize,

Slam Dunk James is going to have to break the new Wipeout Zone record.

Not that James knows that. He's just out to do the best he can.

Bring out the peace!

JAMES SCREAMS

Is that joy or fear? It's fear now.

James really can't afford to make any errors.

One slip-up, and the title is Andy's.

That means, of course, he must beat the tidal wave on the Rapid Climb.

He gets up. Does he? Yes, he does.

The countdown begins,

and Slam Dunk James is bounding up the ramp. Impressive stuff again.

He's cleared it. Seesaw of Truth now.

He's on. Very quick.

I think he's got Andy worried.

The Crazy Sweeper.

Quick run, and duck.

And he's off again. Here comes the Sweeper.

Quickly, quickly.

He's there.

This really couldn't be any closer, but James needs to make this

to stay in contention. Big swing required.

Big swing delivered.

Oh, untangles himself.

Jumps. Oh, one minute, 11 seconds.

Any other day, that's a winner,

but sadly for James, not tonight.

It looked like no-one would get near Wiggly, Wiggly Andy's record-breaking time, but somehow

James also came up with a flawless run. What a great Wipeout Zone, and what a close finish!

That was absolutely brilliant!

How was it for you?

Mad. Absolutely mad.

Hysterically so, actually.

Well, you've been poetry in motion

all day today, James.

Andy has been the one to beat.

I've got to tell you, guys, there were four seconds between you two.

Andy, you are the Total Wipeout champion.

Doesn't seem to want his trophy, but well done, Wiggly, Wiggly Andy.

He doesn't want his award!

Huge congratulations to 22-year-old journalism student from Welwyn Garden City, Andy Cowper.

Not only does Andy join the exclusive ranks of Total Wipeout winners,

but he also becomes our Wipeout Zone record holder.

There you go! Your trophy!

That's it for today. A good show, but perhaps not

up to the vigorous intellectual standards we've become used to.

That's all rectified next time, when there'll be thought-provoking stuff like this.

Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale!

And highbrow moments like this.

Yeah!

And for the thinking man, a bit of this.

Vroom!

There will be clever people, won't they, not...? Yeah, OK.

From Amanda and me, goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]