Episode 3 Total Wipeout


Episode 3

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Argentina, home of the soaring peaks of the Andes,

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the sweeping plains of Patagonia,

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and the world-famous Total Wipeout course.

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And now it's also the home of Total Wipeout.

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Oh, I just said that, didn't I?

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20 valiant Brits, including a professor, a poet and a rat catcher,

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have travelled to Buenos Aires to take on the world's most thrilling assault course.

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One gets branded "winner".

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The other 19 just get branded.

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Unleash the pain.

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Welcome once again to the BAFTA award-eligible show Total Wipeout.

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Now, I think it was the author and poet Dr Johnson who famously said,

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"When a man is tired of people falling in water, he is tired of life."

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And if you're thinking of checking the internet to see if that's an accurate quote, don't bother, OK?

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Just trust me. Time to find out the science behind tonight's course.

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The Qualifier: water plus big balls equals entertainment.

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Crash Mountain. Water plus rotating beam equals amusement.

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Dizzy Done It. Dizziness plus obstacles equals nausea.

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And the Wipeout Zone.

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Danger times danger equals very danger.

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So the course is ready. The competitors are ready.

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Just need to get myself in the zone.

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Right, Hammond ready, which means it's time to hand over to the lady who laughs in the face of danger.

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Sorry, no, the lady who laughs in the face of people in danger.

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It's Amanda Byron.

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I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier by Siana from Scotland,

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who is fearless, rufty-tufty, and has an amazing job.

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Siana, tell everyone.

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I'm a freelance white water raft guide.

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-So, is everybody at home rooting for you?

-Yep.

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My family are like the Scottish mafia, if I don't win, somebody might be in a bit of trouble.

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-If you don't win, are they going to put a horse's head in your bed?

-In your bed.

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Well you'd better win then, Siana! Off you pop.

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Pain is just weakness leaving the body. This is going to be easy!

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Easy? Famous last word.

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So, Siana is off, and faces the first obstacle.

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In the days of yore...

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well, a couple of months ago, a combination of foam, plank and

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dodgy hinges struck fear into the hearts of Total Wipeout competitors.

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And what was this obstacle's name?

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That wasn't a rhetorical question - I genuinely can't remember.

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Oh, hang on, it was...ah, yes!

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Rake In The Face. Here she goes, then. Crikey!

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There she went, that's amazing. Second lot,

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this is...was incredible.

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That was incredible, too, though in a different sort of way.

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Stuck between the rake and a soft place.

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I'm guessing that hurt.

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Well, a fast and eventful start. Sucker Punch now.

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22 pneumatic fists. One muddy pit.

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Like Siana said, "Easy".

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Actually, looking good so far.

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Oh.

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The white water rafter tries her hand at brown water rafting there.

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She's doing well overall, but uh-oh, look what's next.

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They're big.

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They're red.

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They're balls.

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There are four of them.

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That's all I've got to say about them, really.

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Siana heads up the ramp. The Motivator is poised.

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She doesn't need it, she's away! One, two, three...

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Ah, it looked so good!

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An exceptional effort from Siana.

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A three-baller.

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Only the fastest 12 go through to the next round, so Siana needs to get her swim on, because next...

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..it's the return of the Screaming Letters Of Sh, brainchild of

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Argentina's finest minds in a fusion of ground-breaking technology.

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A clever combination of a swinging thing and the letters S and H.

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Whatever it is, it's impossible.

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Except when he did it. What's his name? And her. What's her face?

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Yeah, nearly impossible.

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So, how will Siana cope?

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She's got to do this, otherwise her family is going to put a horse's head in my bed.

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This is all about timing.

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Ooh! She tries to jump the S.

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No, told you. It's nearly impossible. It is.

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Drags herself up the stairs to finish in 2 minutes and 10 seconds.

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A superb effort, and I'm not just saying that

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so her family don't bury me in concrete.

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So a great start for the girls.

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Now for the first of the boys.

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Gentle giant Mark.

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A bakery driver from Manchester.

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So, Mark, what is it that you do?

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I'm the bread man! I'm definitely going to win!

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HE ROARS

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Subtle(!)

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So, will Mark use his loaf?!

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I'm sorry! Or just end up looking like a doughnut?

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I'm sorrier about that.

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I'm the bread man, and I need this dough!

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Bakery puns, that's just cheap.

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Right, here we go, the rakes first. He's off.

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Oooh, right in the cob!

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Tidal wave.

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Creating quite a splash.

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Ooh!

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Unfortunately for wholemeal Mark, his rake problems aren't over yet.

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There's one more set to go, but I'm sure he'll do better this time.

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Yes...

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Oh, crumbs!

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Right in the cake hole!

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Sorry.

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I'm sure he bit off a piece of it.

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Time for wholemeal Mark to take on the biggest dough balls

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he's ever seen.

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Here we go. This could be good.

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Oh, no!

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That's a lot of baker.

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Our bakery man needs to get a move on if he's to top the leaderboard.

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Here we go. Oh...

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d'oh! You see? D'ough...

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Yeah, OK.

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Mark definitely not going to beat Siana now.

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Swimming to the steps, he finishes in three minutes and six seconds.

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Certainly not the best time since sliced bread.

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There you go.

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How are you feeling after that? A little bit like brown bread?

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Oh dear, I'm tired.

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Who's next? Well, this is 55-year-old and Jackie, a chicken farm receptionist from Norfolk.

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Do chickens need a receptionist?

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She's a grandmother, and...

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I'm completely lost for words here.

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-Game old bird, then, Jackie?

-Yes I am. I'm ready.

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I'm going to fly over all those things.

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Yeah. The chicken is a flightless bird.

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But maybe Jackie will soar across the course.

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Here she goes.

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Yes.

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Ooh, un-clucky.

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Chickens don't swim, do they?

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The rakes doing their job, making people look silly, then dumping them in the water.

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That's what they're for. So clucky Jackie approaches the balls. Slowly.

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A bit low on energy by now, I think.

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I just thought, did anyone tell Jackie about the Motivator? Anybody?

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She does need to know that it's there. Oh no!

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Oooh, a narrow escape.

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Jackie, on to the swinging letters...

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and off it.

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And back on!

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Oh, now she's lying back whilst thinking up a new strategy. OK.

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Oh, interesting strategy!

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Just didn't work.

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Jackie finishes the qualifier in a time of four minutes and 56 seconds.

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Poor Jackie can't even muster the energy for a chicken dance.

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Oh, she can!

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Hooray for us!

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What's that, kung-fu chicken?

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-Wow!

-Yes.

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Thank goodness, this one looks normal.

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SHE TRUMPETS

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I'm going to be horse on this course!

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Where do we get them from?

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Seriously, this is Tess, a PA from Hertfordshire.

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Oh! And she's fallen at the first!

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I shall name that rake Eduardo's Brook.

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Listen, you're looking very pretty, very glam - are you sure about all that mud and stuff?

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Of course, I love it.

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Well, having got dirty on the Sucker Punch, time to get clean on the Balls.

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Righto - she's saddled up and ready to take that jump.

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Off gallops Tess.

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Time to giddy up...and giddy down.

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A rare mid-air spin there, coupled with the look of fear.

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I love skiing, jet-skiing and just getting dirty.

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SHE GIGGLES

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It's the final straight for Trot-On Tess - just the Swinging Shs to go.

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Oh, Tess trots tentatively to the S...

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Oh... Oh...

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Never mind, Tess.

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What a mare!

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Trot-On Tess finishes in a time of three minutes and nine seconds.

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The next contestant has a story to tell, literally.

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Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I shall begin

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the Book of Lee.

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Once upon a time, there was a boy called Lee.

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Lee was a charming, simple boy, as you can see here.

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Very simple. The 18-year-old English student travelled to a dangerous foreign land to seek his fortune.

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He showed no fear, until the wicked witch Byram

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put a spell on him, which made him incapable of speaking.

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Chapter Two - The Intrepid Journey.

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It all started so promisingly for Lee.

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Until he was deep inside the cursed forest of rakes.

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SHE CACKLES

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Chapter Three -

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poor Lee became trapped by the wicked witch's stinky bog,

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before being defeated by the Red Spheroids Of Doom

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and the legendary Letter Labyrinth.

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Because Lee failed his quest,

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the witch's spell lasted for an eternity -

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poor Lee would never speak normally again.

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THEY SPEAK INCOMPREHENSIBLY

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I've got to say, I prefer The Da Vinci Code myself.

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Anyway, on with today's competition.

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Meet James, a reggae-loving, creative-writing student from Chichester.

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He's a slam poet, and it looks like he needs the lavatory.

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Life's like a game show, they jest, one month ago around the Round Table

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And yes, today that's true

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Plan A, jump high, Plan B, fall small

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Plan C, laugh loud and Plan D, live tall,

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Because in the end, it's Total Wipeout for us all.

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That's quite beautiful.

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Hang on, my turn...

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I am a presenter called Mandy

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At sussing contestants, I'm handy

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I've watched your technique, it may look quite sweet

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But your legs are a little too bandy.

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That's even better!

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REGGAE MUSIC

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If you're going to be a bear, be a grizzly. BEAR ROARS

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So let's bring up the beat!

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I believe that's Keats.

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He leaps on to the rakes.

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Ooh, this is a very controlled performance.

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Oh, hang on.

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Clear - on to the second set.

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And... Oh!

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This is amazing stuff, he's through!

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Right... There once was a young man from Chichester...

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Er... No, I can't think of anything that rhymes with Chichester.

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No, I've got nothing. Never mind.

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Wow! One, two, three...

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Whoa! Oh, Slam Dunk James!

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He's like a clown. Whe-he-he-hey!

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He-hey!

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Whe-he-he, whe-he-he!

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OK, I'll try again. There once was a young man called James,

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who was excellent on swinging maze games.

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Oh! Yeah, great.

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Now my rhyme is factually inaccurate - thanks a lot, James.

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That's career finished. He was jealous.

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It's a good effort, though.

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If painful. So, Slam Dunk James

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finishes in a scorching 2.04 -

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shame there wasn't time for me to compose a decent rhyme in there.

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Lots of people have attempted this course, but what this show's missing is a true intellectual powerhouse,

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someone who can see beyond the physical, someone with noodle power.

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Uh...

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Ladies and gentlemen, I've just had some incredible news.

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The next competitor is Total Wipeout's first-ever university professor.

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What were the chances?!

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Finally, someone on my wavelength.

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I'm honoured to introduce Professor...Jimmy.

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MUSIC: "Mastermind Theme"

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Hello and welcome, Professor Jimmy from Ballyclare.

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-Oh, gosh!

-Ha-ha!

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Don't worry, he's just warming up.

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I'm sure he'll be blinding us with his intellect any moment.

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So, Professor Jimmy - do you have what it takes to beat that qualifier today?

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Yes, I do, Amanda, and, er...

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Agh!

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Did you check he didn't just buy his qualification off the internet?

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Well, I think you should.

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I don't think professors are even allowed to be called Jimmy.

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They're all called things like Maximilian and Edgar.

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Right, time for the first look at today's leaderboard.

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In pole position is Slam Dunk James,

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just behind is Whitewater Siana, followed by Wholemeal Mark.

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In fourth spot is the Book of Lee,

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closely followed by Trot-On Tess and Clucky Jackie.

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And still to speak, let alone start, is Professor Jimmy.

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Can I just check something?

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No. Let's hope the next competitor can string some words together.

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I'm here at the top of the qualifier with Peter,

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who's a motivational manager from Glasgow.

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So, Mr Motivator, how do you motivate?

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We work with young people in schools,

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and we inspire them to basically take personal responsibility.

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They're not going to win the lottery.

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Don't wait for things to happen, make them happen. So...

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I think it's OK to fail, you know. People think it's not OK

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but it is, it's part of life.

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A lot of people don't do things, are scared, and fear the failure

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because they don't want to try something else,

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they might succeed, they might build confidence.

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-Get out there.

-Are...

-Opportunities come up.

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I went to Canada, I went to America, I went to New York,

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I went to Venice, I went to Prague.

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Do things, because you might not get a chance again.

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So, Peter really can talk the talk, but can he walk the walk?

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No. No.

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But he can fall the fall.

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He's not the only one getting tripped up

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on those tricky, huge foamy so-and-sos today.

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Meet BFFs 24-year-old wedding co-ordinator Lily -

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oh, best friends for ever -

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..And 24-year-old reservations clerk Raquel.

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How will they fare against those pesky rakes?

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I've got three words for you - bring it on!

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Fighting talk already from Raquel.

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Oh! Just lost her way there.

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What about her pal Lily?

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I may be little and I may be small, but I'm not afraid of those big red balls!

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Yeah, it's not the balls you need to worry about right now.

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See what I mean?

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Just too rakey for her.

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OK, we need to get someone special on this.

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I'm Extra-Special K, and I taste good!

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Now, that's handy.

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What can accountant Special Kurran do?

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Oh, yeah, that's really special!

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Extra-special!

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What can he do on the Sucker Punch?

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Ooh! That's...

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Oh, I've run out of superlatives.

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Painful. Yeah, it will have been.

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OK, the Balls.

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On. Balls. Off.

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Nice dismount there.

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Right, back to Motormouth Pete - can he motivate himself? No! No!

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Ouch! I'm guessing that hurt.

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So, Special Kurran finishes in a great 2.59,

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Raquel in 4.08

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and Lily crawls home in 5.33.

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But look at Motormouth Pete - a sterling run, 2.36 -

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and I'm betting he'll have something to say about that...

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Oh! That's not easy.

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Oh! That it?

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He's lost the power of motivational speech.

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Oh! Good news!

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Apparently, Professor Jimmy - you'll remember him...

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Has finally rehearsed something to say!

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I might be tall and I may be old.

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But these here muscles are made of gold.

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As a... I'm a... Ohh!

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Professor Doofus.

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Anyway, meet Sam a fast food worker from Dudley.

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Aaaaaaah!

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Normally I'm flipping the burgers and serving the food

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but today I'm going to eat this course for dinner.

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Do you want fries with that?

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Oooh, French fries.

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Can you get me some fries?

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And two cheeseburgers and those miniature doughnut things...

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That's what... Yeah, right. Where are we? Oh! Yes, she's fallen off.

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Commentating - that's Sam Burger versus Sucker Punch.

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Wow! What strength, what determination!

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-Argh!

-Oh, what a shame!

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# It was burgers and fries and cherry pies in a world

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# We used to know...#

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Oh, my God!

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Sam Burger approaches the Big Balls.

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Without relish. Motivator swings...

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Oh! Sam slides.

0:19:170:19:19

A textbook double-knee mud slide there. Not often seen but well done.

0:19:200:19:25

Sam Burger finishes in a time of 5.11.

0:19:250:19:28

-That was easy!

-No, it wasn't.

0:19:280:19:32

I'm joined now at the top of the qualifier

0:19:320:19:34

by 52-year-old Kevin from Redditch.

0:19:340:19:36

-Kevin, what is it you do for a living?

-I do pest control, Amanda.

0:19:360:19:40

OK, so if I've got a problem with big bugs and stuff

0:19:400:19:44

and I happen to live in the Redditch area, who am I going to call?

0:19:440:19:48

Kevin Masters!

0:19:480:19:50

# If there's something strange in the neighbourhood

0:19:500:19:54

# Who you gonna call... #

0:19:540:19:56

Kevin Masters!

0:19:560:19:57

Is it just me or is this getting a bit weird now? That's odd...

0:19:570:20:01

# ..Who you gonna call? #

0:20:020:20:03

Kevin Masters.

0:20:030:20:05

You've heard of Batman, you've heard of Superman

0:20:050:20:08

get out of the way, here comes the Ratman.

0:20:080:20:11

So it's Ratman Kevin versus the Big Balls.

0:20:110:20:15

# Who can you call? Ghost...#

0:20:150:20:18

..Busted.

0:20:180:20:19

Onto the Swinging Letters Of Shhh.

0:20:210:20:23

Ooooh!

0:20:240:20:26

Who's he going to call?

0:20:260:20:28

Probably his chiropractor, I imagine.

0:20:280:20:30

Ratman Kevin finishes.

0:20:320:20:34

If there are any rats watching, they must be loving this.

0:20:340:20:38

Top of the pile, it's still Slam Dunk James

0:20:380:20:40

and Motormouth Pete's in third.

0:20:400:20:42

Special Kurran's in fourth.

0:20:420:20:44

And these tail-enders are in danger.

0:20:460:20:48

Ratman Kevin is eighth.

0:20:480:20:50

Plucky Jackie, Sam Burger and BFF Lily -

0:20:500:20:53

unlike Professor Jimmy who's probably too busy theorising

0:20:530:20:56

about his speciality subject, speaking.

0:20:560:20:59

Nope. Just a quick seminar on waltzing.

0:21:000:21:03

Seriously...?

0:21:030:21:05

Is someone going to find out if he's a real professor?

0:21:050:21:08

Well, who're you going to call?

0:21:080:21:10

-MUSIC: "Ghostbusters" by Ray Parker Jr

-No, no!

0:21:100:21:12

-Stop that right now.

-MUSIC STOPS

0:21:120:21:14

Thank you.

0:21:140:21:16

Ratman Kevin is no use to us now.

0:21:160:21:18

What we need is a real superhero.

0:21:180:21:21

This is 36 year old Hayley from Essex. Superhero outfit - check.

0:21:230:21:27

Underpants outside of the tights - check.

0:21:270:21:31

I used to be large but now I'm lean and hard. Come on!

0:21:310:21:36

I don't understand! Anyway, by day she's an information specialist,

0:21:360:21:40

but by night she's an information specialist who dresses up.

0:21:400:21:44

Her superpower - plummeting, obviously.

0:21:440:21:47

The next contestant is a real superhero.

0:21:470:21:53

Rachel is an actual world-class sportswoman.

0:21:530:21:55

Let me guess.

0:21:550:21:57

OK, running? Swimming? Cycling?.

0:21:570:22:01

Rounders.

0:22:020:22:04

Oh, dear.

0:22:040:22:05

Another let down, just like that so-called professor.

0:22:050:22:09

Anyway, rakes versus Rachel.

0:22:090:22:12

Oh!

0:22:120:22:14

She's up.

0:22:140:22:16

Oh!

0:22:180:22:19

A world-class fall there from the world-class rounders champ.

0:22:190:22:23

-So Rounders Rach must go a few rounds...

-Argh!

-See what...?

0:22:230:22:26

What was that?

0:22:260:22:28

Why did... OK. It might help.

0:22:280:22:31

Oh! That's just not cricket, is it?

0:22:320:22:35

Or even rounders.

0:22:350:22:37

Rachel not looking her best right now.

0:22:390:22:42

-Urgh!

-Sorry.

0:22:420:22:44

-I didn't mean it, just all that mud. Never mind.

-Aaaaah!

0:22:440:22:47

-WHISPERS:

-She's lost her mind.

0:22:470:22:49

Oh dear, she's lost her balance.

0:22:510:22:54

Avoided the Motivator.

0:22:540:22:56

Just not the water.

0:22:560:22:59

Rounders Rach on the Swinging Letters Of Shhh - shocking.

0:23:050:23:08

So, super-sporty Rachel finishes in a time of 3.42.

0:23:120:23:18

Whoo!

0:23:190:23:20

This is Andy, a 22-year-old journalism student

0:23:210:23:25

from Welwyn Garden City.

0:23:250:23:26

Hope he does the entire course like that, could be good.

0:23:260:23:29

-Just hit a stone...

-That's a danger.

0:23:290:23:32

Right, Andy, I know you'd really like to be a TV reporter

0:23:320:23:34

so, erm, how about you take the mic and interview me?

0:23:340:23:38

Yeah. Shall we go? Right, well, Amanda, how are you doing?

0:23:380:23:41

How are you feeling, how...

0:23:410:23:43

That's a good start.

0:23:430:23:45

Yeah, Amanda, fear for your job.

0:23:450:23:48

He's good. Plus he can do the Worm.

0:23:480:23:50

I'm ice-cool Andy

0:23:510:23:52

and I'm going to worm my way through this Wipeout course.

0:23:520:23:55

Come on!

0:23:550:23:57

He looks psyched! Right, Wiggly Andy is off and running.

0:23:570:24:01

Oh.

0:24:010:24:03

-Wow!

-Yes!

0:24:060:24:07

That's amazing insight from our Argentinian correspondent there.

0:24:090:24:12

This is good though. He's doing very well. Come on, Wiggles!

0:24:120:24:16

Andy now onto the Sucker Punch.

0:24:160:24:17

Ooh!

0:24:200:24:22

He's off but he's out of the mud.

0:24:240:24:26

This guy's looking good.

0:24:260:24:27

Seriously quick. Wiggly-wiggly Andy onto the Big Balls.

0:24:270:24:31

One, two, three, four...

0:24:310:24:33

Kind of. Over to Amanda...

0:24:330:24:35

-Andy is clinging on for dear life.

-Thank you, Amanda.

0:24:350:24:39

Oooh, amazing! He's up and running.

0:24:390:24:41

He's going to make it past the Swinging Letters...

0:24:410:24:44

Oh! No he's not.

0:24:440:24:46

An update from Amanda.

0:24:460:24:48

Breaking news just in - Andy is doing ridiculously well.

0:24:480:24:52

And hauling himself up the steps,

0:24:530:24:55

-Andy finishes in an amazing time of 1.11.

-Yes!

0:24:550:25:00

Give that man a Pulitzer Prize.

0:25:000:25:02

-That was out of this world, brilliant!

-Thank you.

0:25:040:25:08

What can I say, piece of cake.

0:25:080:25:11

It's like taking candy from a baby.

0:25:110:25:13

-Whoo!

-All right, steady, plenty of people find it tricky.

0:25:130:25:17

Maybe that's the secret, wiggling. And then more wiggling.

0:25:170:25:20

And then some more wiggling.

0:25:200:25:22

That's it! And now two competitors who belong to one of the toughest tribes on the planet.

0:25:220:25:28

-Grrrr!

-Ha, ha, ha!

0:25:280:25:30

Geordies.

0:25:300:25:33

There's 44-year-old company director Karen.

0:25:330:25:35

I'm from Newcastle so I'm from the Toon.

0:25:370:25:40

If I beat this course, I'll be over the moon.

0:25:400:25:42

I am the Angel Of The North.

0:25:420:25:45

And dance graduate Ian.

0:25:450:25:48

Are you sure he's a Geordie, he's wearing tweed?

0:25:480:25:51

Yeah, definitely Geordie.

0:25:520:25:55

Don't take this the wrong way but you don't strike me as being a theatrical dancer, Ian.

0:25:550:26:01

Oooh, well...

0:26:010:26:02

MUSIC: "In The Summertime" by Mungo Jerry

0:26:020:26:05

So is that dancing? Or is that just a bee in his trousers?

0:26:060:26:10

Ohhh! I feel so hot right now.

0:26:100:26:12

Yup. Karen is the first Geordie on the course.

0:26:120:26:16

Hi! I'm the Angel Of The North!

0:26:160:26:20

Hang on... No, she really is the Angel Of The North.

0:26:200:26:25

I'm the granny-dancing beast from the north east

0:26:250:26:28

-and I'm going to rock this dinosaur.

-I don't understand that!

0:26:280:26:32

Geordie-Legs Ian sets off.

0:26:320:26:35

Nice start.

0:26:360:26:37

Ohh! Bit of a wobble.

0:26:370:26:40

-But he's up and past the first set.

-Yes!

0:26:400:26:42

Those Geordie legs looking very calm and controlled.

0:26:420:26:46

Unlike when he was dancing I think it was before.

0:26:460:26:49

He's up and made it across!

0:26:490:26:52

How's Karen getting on?

0:26:520:26:53

OK, Karen seems to be back to her normal self,

0:26:540:26:57

getting ready for this Angel to fly.

0:26:570:27:00

Or just totter about precariously. That's fine too. Slow and steady...

0:27:000:27:03

-Aaaaah!

-No!

0:27:030:27:05

Ian on the big balls, go go, Geordie Legs.

0:27:050:27:09

Ah, swim swim, Geordie Legs.

0:27:090:27:12

# Geordie's lost his liggie...#

0:27:130:27:15

He got his sideburns wet.

0:27:160:27:17

# ..Geordie's lost his liggie

0:27:180:27:20

# Along the Scotswood Road... #

0:27:200:27:22

Meanwhile, back at the Sucker Punch.

0:27:230:27:25

Just as before, slow and steady progress.

0:27:270:27:31

Geordie Legs on the Shhh... Oh! Shocking.

0:27:310:27:34

It's like Saturday night at the Quayside, everyone is legless.

0:27:340:27:39

And Ian completes the Qualifier in 1.42.

0:27:390:27:43

Oh!

0:27:430:27:44

The Angel Of The North back at the Big Balls. Fly, Angel, Fly!

0:27:440:27:50

Cling on, Angel, cling on!

0:27:500:27:52

You can do it.

0:27:520:27:54

Onto the third ball...

0:27:570:27:59

Slide, Angel, slide.

0:27:590:28:02

And Karen finishes in 4.35.

0:28:030:28:05

-So, that's 17 contestants, just three to go.

-PHONE RINGS

0:28:050:28:10

But the big question now...

0:28:100:28:12

Could someone get that phone, please?

0:28:120:28:15

That's really unprofessional.

0:28:150:28:17

It shouldn't even be switched on.

0:28:170:28:19

Hang on, it's mine.

0:28:190:28:22

Sorry.

0:28:220:28:24

Hello.

0:28:240:28:25

-# Who you gonna call...#

-..Kevin Masters

0:28:250:28:27

Who gave him my number?

0:28:270:28:28

Oh, look.

0:28:280:28:30

BOUNCING

0:28:300:28:32

SMASHING

0:28:330:28:34

Anyway, three competitors to go.

0:28:340:28:36

Blah, blah, blah. Back to the course.

0:28:360:28:39

Tom, what is it you do for a living?

0:28:390:28:41

I signal trains, yes. Signalling trains, yes.

0:28:410:28:44

Will there be a delay out there on the Qualifier today?

0:28:440:28:47

Not at all. No obstructions, it's green lights all the way.

0:28:470:28:51

I will not stop short of any obstruction.

0:28:510:28:54

I will under my own authority proceed, proceed, proceed.

0:28:540:29:01

-Hold it there, Thomas.

-HORN SOUNDS

0:29:010:29:03

OK, proceed.

0:29:030:29:04

So, Tom the Tank Engine chugs across the rakes.

0:29:050:29:09

Derailed.

0:29:090:29:11

-TANNOY:

-Delays may now occur

0:29:110:29:14

due to the wrong kind of water in Tom's trainers.

0:29:140:29:16

On to the second set now.

0:29:170:29:19

Proceed, proceed, proceed, Tom.

0:29:190:29:21

Oh!

0:29:210:29:22

Train signaller Tom now tries to make sure

0:29:240:29:26

no pneumatic boxing gloves are directed into his face.

0:29:260:29:29

He's doing well and he's over. First class.

0:29:290:29:34

Now, Tom will be hoping for a one-way ticket across the balls.

0:29:340:29:39

Instead it's a return journey into the wet stuff.

0:29:400:29:43

Who knew train signallers could be so amusing when they do this?

0:29:430:29:48

And Tom The Tank Engine finishes.

0:29:530:29:55

Signal, past the danger!

0:29:560:29:59

Just a little bit behind schedule. Meet 33-year-old law student Davina.

0:29:590:30:03

Surely she's not going to wear that outfit to do the course.

0:30:030:30:07

Davina, that is some outfit for one outfit!

0:30:070:30:10

Meow!

0:30:100:30:12

-Yes, do you like?

-Absolutely love it.

0:30:140:30:17

-What's with the leopard, cat thing going on?

-I've got four cats.

0:30:170:30:20

Hello! It's Missy, Monkey, Spots and Socks. They're watching.

0:30:200:30:25

I'm not sure they can hear you.

0:30:250:30:27

They can, and I bet they're meowing at the screen right now. Hello, babies!

0:30:270:30:31

And then he said, "Hakuna matata!"

0:30:310:30:33

Davina sets off. Get ready for some feline agility.

0:30:360:30:41

That's one of her nine lives gone!

0:30:420:30:44

Cats don't like water, do they?

0:30:460:30:48

It looks like the same goes for Davina.

0:30:480:30:51

I hope she doesn't burst the balls with her claws.

0:30:520:30:57

So, that's seven lives left.

0:30:570:31:01

And Davina makes it to the finish line, eventually.

0:31:010:31:05

Won't her cats be proud!

0:31:050:31:07

I did it!

0:31:070:31:10

And I bet you're thinking that's all 20 of tonight's contestants through the Qualifier.

0:31:100:31:15

But no! One remains.

0:31:150:31:17

Can you guess who it is?

0:31:170:31:19

I might be tall, and I may be old, but these here muscles are made of gold!

0:31:210:31:26

Yep, it's Professor Jimmy.

0:31:280:31:30

Finally, off he goes.

0:31:300:31:32

I must be just about the toughest old boy in town!

0:31:340:31:38

When I run, I'm like lightning! Man, it's frightening!

0:31:410:31:45

He's getting the hang of this now.

0:31:450:31:48

When I see an obstacle, I smash it down! Smash, smash, smash!

0:31:480:31:51

Smash, smash, smash. Yeah.

0:31:510:31:55

I'm like a rainbow in the sky as I fly by!

0:31:550:31:59

I love this guy! I could watch him a lot!

0:31:590:32:02

Just a sec.

0:32:020:32:04

It's all gone a bit wrong again, look.

0:32:040:32:08

He's tired. But valuable thinking time for Jimmy now.

0:32:080:32:12

Nobody has crossed this today.

0:32:120:32:15

As I said from the outset, impossible.

0:32:170:32:20

I bet he gets tables in restaurants and everything, being a professor.

0:32:200:32:24

Today's Qualifier finishes with a monumental effort from

0:32:240:32:27

the Professor. Let's see who has qualified.

0:32:270:32:29

Taking top spot through to Crash Mountain is Wiggly, Wiggly Andy,

0:32:290:32:33

swiftly followed by Geordie Legs Ian and Slam Dunk James.

0:32:330:32:37

Tom The Tank Engine chugs into fifth.

0:32:370:32:40

Further down the leader board, Wholemeal Mark comes in eighth.

0:32:400:32:44

And just running into 12th base is Rounders Rach.

0:32:440:32:48

So, that means we now have to say goodbye to eight courageous competitors.

0:32:490:32:53

I'm not upset about that! I broke my phone!

0:32:530:32:56

I've still got loads of credit left!

0:32:560:32:58

It's just a senseless waste.

0:32:580:33:01

# Crying over you

0:33:010:33:09

# Crying over you

0:33:090:33:14

# Crying

0:33:140:33:22

# Crying. #

0:33:220:33:29

Crash Mountain. This mechanical monster separates the men from the boys,

0:33:390:33:44

the women from the girls, and possibly the torso from the legs.

0:33:440:33:49

The first five to the middle progress to Dizzy Dummies.

0:33:500:33:53

Time for a reminder of the Crash Mountain contenders.

0:33:530:33:56

On podium one, it's Wholemeal Mark.

0:33:580:34:01

Don't mess with the bread man!

0:34:010:34:03

On two and three, Tom The Tank Engine...

0:34:030:34:06

..and Rat Man Kevin.

0:34:080:34:09

I may have been down, I may have been out, but this Rat Man is still in with a shout!

0:34:090:34:15

On four, five, six and seven,

0:34:150:34:19

it's White Water Siana, Special Kurran...

0:34:190:34:24

-They're nervous. ..Rounders Rach...

-Hi!

0:34:240:34:27

..and Motormouth Pete.

0:34:270:34:30

Quietly motivating himself there.

0:34:300:34:32

On podium eight and nine, it's Trot-On Tess...

0:34:320:34:35

Toot, toot! I'm going to whip you guys into shape!

0:34:350:34:41

-..and the Book of Lee.

-Yeah!

0:34:410:34:44

That's just the short-story version there.

0:34:440:34:47

On ten, it's Wiggly, Wiggly Andy.

0:34:470:34:50

Come on!

0:34:500:34:51

And finally, on podiums 11 and 12, Geordie Legs Ian...

0:34:510:34:56

Bread Man, I'm going to cover you in flour, bake you and scatter your buns across this mountain!

0:34:560:35:03

I'm scared. Mark's not too worried, though.

0:35:030:35:05

-Finally, Slam Dunk James.

-Ow ow ow!

0:35:050:35:09

Some call it brutal.

0:35:090:35:11

What am I saying? They all call it brutal! It's Crash Mountain!

0:35:110:35:15

-Are you all ready? ALL:

-Yeah!

0:35:150:35:17

They won't be that excited in a minute! Three, two, one...

0:35:170:35:23

KLAXON BLARES

0:35:250:35:26

And so Crash Mountain begins. Who will be the first brave pioneer to step onto the rotating platform?

0:35:260:35:33

Somebody's got to do it. Come on.

0:35:330:35:36

Lee goes for it. He didn't even get close.

0:35:360:35:38

Come on, guys!

0:35:430:35:45

Now, Kurran jumps for it.

0:35:450:35:47

Lost his footing.

0:35:470:35:49

Wiggly, Wiggly Andy now. He's on safely.

0:35:510:35:54

Oh, no, not safely after all.

0:35:540:35:57

A wiggle, a hit and a splash landing. Tres elegant.

0:35:570:36:02

Andy's accident hasn't put off Tom The Tank Engine, though. He's on.

0:36:030:36:07

Momentarily!

0:36:070:36:09

Come on! Ian jumps with those Geordie legs.

0:36:100:36:13

Wholemeal Mark. Ooh!

0:36:130:36:16

They're all having a go now! And all failing.

0:36:160:36:19

Motormouth Pete steps out, slips off.

0:36:190:36:23

Slam Dunk James picks his moment.

0:36:230:36:25

The wrong moment that he picked there. The best attempt so far.

0:36:250:36:29

But still no-one in the middle. Siana's down.

0:36:290:36:32

Rach is down.

0:36:320:36:34

Lee has another go, and another swim.

0:36:360:36:39

Tess is onto the big spoon. She's staying low, dodging that rotating beam.

0:36:390:36:43

-But she needs to get up and get going.

-Gallop, woman, gallop!

0:36:430:36:48

No!

0:36:490:36:50

Or just throw yourself off.

0:36:500:36:52

Throwing himself on is Andy.

0:36:520:36:57

Motormouth Pete is on.

0:36:590:37:03

Any day now!

0:37:030:37:04

Yes, Pete is up.

0:37:040:37:06

And now he's down. Really down.

0:37:060:37:10

A rattling blow to the hip.

0:37:100:37:12

That was very ow-y, I'd say.

0:37:120:37:14

Here's James, looking good.

0:37:160:37:19

He's on! The slam poet is the first to the summit.

0:37:190:37:22

And he's inspired Tom The Tank Engine!

0:37:220:37:25

Two on now.

0:37:250:37:27

Yes, Wiggly, Wiggly Andy just won't give up.

0:37:270:37:30

Or stay on.

0:37:300:37:31

A fruitless but spectacular attempt to hang on from Wiggly, Wiggly Andy.

0:37:320:37:37

Who's next? Rounders Rach.

0:37:370:37:39

She's on, ducking.

0:37:390:37:40

Up, runs for it.

0:37:400:37:43

No! So close! But all shattered.

0:37:430:37:46

Spectacular flip, though.

0:37:460:37:49

Kevin has not moved off his podium. Literally hasn't moved.

0:37:540:37:59

Until now, Amanda.

0:38:000:38:02

No point trying to call the Rat Man Kevin now. He is busy.

0:38:020:38:06

-Wait a minute. He's just become available.

-Oh!

0:38:090:38:12

What a hit!

0:38:120:38:14

Wiggly, Wiggly Andy again.

0:38:140:38:16

This is looking good.

0:38:160:38:18

He's up, and he's onto the centre!

0:38:180:38:20

He's made it. Three places taken. Two remain.

0:38:200:38:23

So, still battling for them are Wholemeal Mark,

0:38:250:38:28

White Water Siana, Special Kurran, Trot-On Tess, the Book of Lee,

0:38:280:38:32

Rat Man Kevin, Geordie Legs Ian and Rounders Rach.

0:38:320:38:37

And it's Rach who makes the first bid.

0:38:390:38:42

Come on, Rachel.

0:38:430:38:45

Doing it for the chicks.

0:38:450:38:47

Onto her feet. And immediately swept off them quite violently.

0:38:470:38:52

A full 360-degree spin from Rachel there.

0:38:520:38:56

The Geordie Legs start running.

0:38:560:38:58

And Ian is on!

0:38:580:39:00

-One more to go, people!

-Now things are getting tense.

0:39:010:39:04

Who will it be?

0:39:040:39:06

Not Kurran. Rat Man Kevin. He's on.

0:39:060:39:11

And he scurries for it.

0:39:130:39:16

And that's the final five.

0:39:160:39:18

Kevin, James, Tom, Andy and Ian.

0:39:180:39:22

It's an all-boy Dizzy Dummies.

0:39:220:39:25

It's like the Take That reunion!

0:39:250:39:27

But with crash helmets.

0:39:270:39:30

And foam, and water. And bruises.

0:39:300:39:32

It's all very well those five chaps celebrating their success.

0:39:320:39:36

But it should be remembered that

0:39:360:39:38

seven unlucky contenders have just had their Total Wipeout dreams shattered.

0:39:380:39:43

And I think that right now you should spare them a thought.

0:39:430:39:46

Just one thought, mind.

0:39:460:39:48

Don't go overboard.

0:39:480:39:50

I'm very frustrated that I didn't get into the next round.

0:39:500:39:54

I nearly got there. I just fluffed it right at the end.

0:39:540:40:00

I can't believe it. Totally messed up.

0:40:000:40:04

Couldn't put my right foot in front of my left, got wiped out.

0:40:040:40:07

You give it your all, and it just wasn't good enough.

0:40:070:40:11

I almost made it a lot of times, but I messed it up.

0:40:110:40:15

I didn't quite get there.

0:40:150:40:18

It's pretty manic, really.

0:40:180:40:20

Not an easy thing at all.

0:40:200:40:22

And not even one girl went through.

0:40:220:40:25

Five guys took over the girls.

0:40:250:40:29

If any of the guys are going to throw up in Dizzy Dummies, it'd best be Ian.

0:40:290:40:34

See it spraying into his mutton chops!

0:40:340:40:37

So close, but yet so far.

0:40:370:40:40

It's too wobbly for me.

0:40:400:40:42

I'm a big lad, so... I'm still loud!

0:40:420:40:45

So, five contestants are spun at breakneck speed in the modified kebab rotisserie,

0:40:520:40:58

and then released to stagger over the rotating carousel goal.

0:40:580:41:02

Keeping them refreshed, and the grass watered, is Argentina's crack fire-fighting squad.

0:41:040:41:09

Then it's a stumble across the Tippy-Table Maze.

0:41:090:41:11

The last person to the other side will be eliminated.

0:41:110:41:14

Then the whole thing happens again, but this time they face the Crazy Beams, pelted by the dodgeballers.

0:41:140:41:20

The last person across will be disposed of. Doesn't matter how.

0:41:200:41:24

And then you have your three finalists.

0:41:240:41:27

I often wonder if we should find a kind and friendly way to eliminate contestants from this show.

0:41:270:41:33

But that would be called Total Wimp-out, and that's no name for a show. Bring on the pain!

0:41:330:41:39

-Are you all ready? (ALL)

-Yeah!

0:41:390:41:41

Pain waits for no man!

0:41:410:41:44

Three, two, one!

0:41:440:41:46

Right, before they get started, a quick reminder of today's Dizzy Dummies.

0:41:470:41:52

There's Slam Dunk James.

0:41:520:41:54

So, let's bring up the peace!

0:41:540:41:56

The only reggae-singing slam poet to qualify for this round.

0:41:560:42:01

Representing sideburns and the Toon Army...

0:42:010:42:04

..it's Geordie Legs Ian.

0:42:060:42:09

Hopefully not terminating here - all change, all change -

0:42:140:42:17

it's Tom The Tank Engine.

0:42:170:42:21

Next, he's half man, half worm.

0:42:230:42:28

It's Wriggly, Wriggly Andy.

0:42:280:42:32

And finally, the Pied Piper of Redditch himself...

0:42:350:42:38

-Get out of the way! Here comes the Rat Man!

-..Rat Man Kevin.

0:42:380:42:43

I feel nauseous just watching!

0:42:440:42:46

Bleurgh! It's OK. A bit came up but I swallowed it back down.

0:42:460:42:50

I'm all right, carry on. Right, release the Dummies. Andy's out quickly.

0:42:500:42:55

The first three out get a hosing on their way to the carousel goal.

0:42:550:42:59

James is over the goal post,

0:43:000:43:02

and storming ahead - in the wrong direction!

0:43:020:43:06

James, what are you doing?!

0:43:060:43:08

Where are you going?!

0:43:080:43:09

Uh...!

0:43:110:43:13

I'm not sure James can blame that on dizziness. That's just stupidness.

0:43:130:43:18

Further back, Tom struggling on the carousel.

0:43:180:43:22

But Andy motoring ahead. And on the right bit of the course.

0:43:220:43:27

On to the second Tippy-Table Maze next. Not easy.

0:43:270:43:30

With one shoe missing, is that?

0:43:300:43:33

Yeah. Oh, and he's slipped in.

0:43:330:43:36

So, Geordie Legs Ian takes the lead.

0:43:360:43:38

Whereas Rat Man Kevin needs to call for some help.

0:43:380:43:42

James gets a slam dunking.

0:43:420:43:45

Ian hanging on. No, falling off.

0:43:510:43:54

Sorry, spoke too soon. And that puts Andy back in the lead.

0:43:540:43:59

While Kevin's still having trouble with that carousel, which is barely an obstacle at all.

0:43:590:44:04

Andy, though, nearly there. Could be his last move now.

0:44:040:44:07

-And he's across!

-Come on!

0:44:070:44:10

The Rat Man still on the carousel.

0:44:120:44:16

Now, Tom The Tank Engine steams towards the finish line.

0:44:160:44:20

Just one jump. And he's also through!

0:44:200:44:22

Show-off. That's just silly. James has got on the correct obstacle again, and he's looking good.

0:44:240:44:29

James realises that's the obstacle he should have been on in the first place.

0:44:310:44:35

That makes three. Only one place left. Is it...?

0:44:350:44:38

It's not going to be Rat Man Kevin? No.

0:44:380:44:41

Ian jumps for it, and makes it!

0:44:430:44:47

Kevin's still trying so hard!

0:44:480:44:51

Oh, come on, Kev. This has been a noble effort.

0:44:510:44:54

Big finish now.

0:44:540:44:56

Keep trying!

0:44:560:44:58

This is determination.

0:44:580:45:00

And that is a little victory for Kevin. A very, very little one. Tiny.

0:45:000:45:04

-At least I got through it!

-You did, Kevin! Well done.

0:45:040:45:08

-My pest controller, you just got exterminated!

-I think I did, yeah!

0:45:080:45:13

-Just one bit too far.

-Listen, did I blink and miss it?

0:45:130:45:16

-I don't think I saw you actually getting very far at all, did you?

-I got through the goal.

0:45:160:45:22

Don't call us, Kevin, and we'll agree not to call you.

0:45:220:45:25

Of course, the prize those four chaps get for progressing is...

0:45:250:45:28

..another go on the tumble dryer.

0:45:280:45:31

Here we go.

0:45:310:45:34

Honestly, I don't envy them.

0:45:340:45:36

It's kind of poetic like that, though, isn't it?

0:45:360:45:41

Strangely beautiful, in a hideous sort of way.

0:45:410:45:44

It's not, really, is it?

0:45:470:45:49

No, it's just silly.

0:45:490:45:51

Right, second Dizzy Dummies. First three across go to the Wipeout Zone.

0:45:540:46:00

And it's Andy off first.

0:46:000:46:02

And James is just off.

0:46:020:46:04

What has happened to James' brain?!

0:46:060:46:09

He's too busy thinking of rhymes for things. Andy storms ahead.

0:46:090:46:12

It's dodgeball o'clock.

0:46:120:46:14

Wiggly, Wiggly Andy edges along the Crazy Beams.

0:46:140:46:17

He's not been put off by the little red balls being thrown at him.

0:46:170:46:22

Yes, Andy, dodgeballs. That's what they've got.

0:46:220:46:24

They're dodgeballers - thousands of them, though.

0:46:240:46:26

At the back, Tom's finally over the goalposts.

0:46:260:46:29

But Andy has nearly finished.

0:46:290:46:33

Ooh, look at that! Out of nowhere, James is over, and so is Andy.

0:46:330:46:37

Pipped to the post, Andy!

0:46:380:46:41

What a leap from Slam Dunk James!

0:46:410:46:43

Straight into the Wipeout Zone. It's down to Geordie Legs Ian and Tom The Tank Engine for that final place.

0:46:430:46:49

Ian's not quite got the grace of James, but he's hanging on.

0:46:490:46:54

It looks like that final place is Ian's for the taking now, though.

0:46:540:46:57

Tom a long way back.

0:46:570:47:00

And Ian launches himself into the Wipeout Zone.

0:47:050:47:09

He's through.

0:47:090:47:12

Which means Tom The Tank Engine is heading to the scrap yard.

0:47:120:47:15

-Tommy!

-Amanda!

0:47:190:47:21

-Your tank engine ran out of steam.

-It certainly wasn't inter-city, was it?!

0:47:210:47:27

So, journalism student Wiggly, Wiggly Andy, arts-development officer Geordie Legs Ian and

0:47:270:47:33

all-round creative Slam Dunk James have made it to the Wipeout Zone.

0:47:330:47:38

It's the classic battle between two young bucks and an older bloke with comedy mutton chops.

0:47:380:47:43

Think I should grow a set? I could - bushy...

0:47:430:47:47

I set myself a challenge - to do something new each month.

0:47:490:47:53

This, I think, tops the lot so far. It's really so much fun.

0:47:530:47:57

Hurrah!

0:47:570:47:59

It's been an amazing experience.

0:47:590:48:00

The red balls, I thought they would do me,

0:48:000:48:03

and I'm looking forward to breaking the Wipeout Zone record!

0:48:030:48:06

Yes!

0:48:060:48:08

A slam poem is a form of poetry. It's my battle cry.

0:48:080:48:11

Ow, ow, ow!

0:48:110:48:13

The trials, the trips, the slips, a wrong course taken, but I've arrived at this certain destination.

0:48:130:48:18

My friend, see you on the course!

0:48:180:48:21

At the moment I'm feeling quite chilled, I think.

0:48:240:48:26

Right now my mind's just a blank piece of paper.

0:48:260:48:29

But when I'm on that course, I'm going to absorb it and drift right down to the end. First place.

0:48:290:48:35

I've always been a winner, and I know when I get to that Wipeout zone,

0:48:350:48:39

I'm going to have it!

0:48:390:48:41

Andy, he's very cocky, sure of himself, but I'll think he'll come a cropper.

0:48:410:48:44

I'm not too worried about Ian that much.

0:48:440:48:47

I'm younger, I'm fitter, I'm up for it.

0:48:470:48:49

I know I'm a short lad, but he's petite.

0:48:490:48:51

And when that waterway comes down, I think it'll wash him away!

0:48:510:48:55

-The only person I'm worried about is James.

-I don't know about Andy.

0:48:550:48:59

-Hopefully he'll take himself out.

-James, I don't think he's got the stamina.

0:48:590:49:03

He burns himself out too quickly.

0:49:030:49:05

There is no question about it. I will win.

0:49:050:49:07

I'll definitely take the right route this time.

0:49:070:49:10

People might take my confidence as being really cocky.

0:49:100:49:12

It's got me to the final, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

0:49:120:49:16

I know that I am the oldest tonight.

0:49:160:49:19

But those two young punks don't have a chance, really!

0:49:190:49:21

The Wipeout Zone begins with a terrifying slide down the Killer Surf.

0:49:340:49:38

Then it's a rapid climb up the Rapid Climb.

0:49:380:49:41

They've got just ten seconds before the tidal wave is unleashed.

0:49:410:49:44

Next, the Seesaw of Truth - just a seesaw -

0:49:440:49:47

followed by a wonky walk past the Crazy Sweeper.

0:49:470:49:51

After that, there's still the Tarzan Swing and Turntable to defeat

0:49:510:49:55

before the competitors can land on the finish podium, hit that big red button and stop the clock.

0:49:550:50:00

The fastest is crowned Total Wipeout champion.

0:50:000:50:04

Whatever you're doing, stop!

0:50:040:50:06

Pay attention at the back, because this is going to be a Wipeout Zone to remember.

0:50:060:50:11

Three extremely determined men.

0:50:110:50:13

One extremely difficult course. And Ian is the first to go.

0:50:130:50:18

Watch those Geordie legs propel Ian up the stairs.

0:50:210:50:25

Get some hot towels, I think he's about to give birth up there!

0:50:250:50:29

Breathe, Ian! Go, Ian.

0:50:330:50:37

And off goes Ian!

0:50:370:50:38

Into the water upside-down, and first it's a swim to the Rapid Climb.

0:50:420:50:47

Ian's clearly up for this. Lots of self-motivation going on there.

0:50:470:50:51

Otherwise known as talking to yourself.

0:50:510:50:53

That's what it is, really, isn't it?

0:50:530:50:56

Once Ian hauls himself up, he's got ten seconds before

0:50:560:50:59

a tidal wave is unleashed down the slope.

0:50:590:51:02

He's up, and there it goes.

0:51:020:51:05

Ten seconds. That's all.

0:51:050:51:07

Ooh, is he going to make it?!

0:51:070:51:09

Look at those Geordie legs go. He might just avoid the wave here.

0:51:090:51:14

-He's done it.

-By the hairs on his chinny chin chin!

0:51:140:51:17

There's a lot of them. But it was enough. Next, the Seesaw of Truth.

0:51:170:51:21

The truth being, it's just a seesaw. Just need to be careful.

0:51:210:51:24

A fall here would be bad news.

0:51:240:51:27

This is good, steady progress.

0:51:270:51:29

Oh, the crowd love that.

0:51:300:51:33

Now Ian takes on the Crazy Sweeper.

0:51:330:51:36

Looks like he's going for a duck-and-run strategy.

0:51:360:51:40

Oh, misjudged that!

0:51:400:51:43

That was quite a blow, but he did well to hang on.

0:51:430:51:47

A fall this early would steel his motivation.

0:51:470:51:49

Now he's up and running for it. Come on, Geordie Legs, quicker, quicker!

0:51:490:51:54

It's after you! Fantastic stuff!

0:51:540:51:57

Tarzan Swing now. The rope and Ian's hands will be slippery by now.

0:51:590:52:03

This won't be easy.

0:52:030:52:07

Oh, he's spun in mid-air!

0:52:070:52:09

But he's onto the Turntable.

0:52:090:52:11

Just one leap left for those Geordie legs now.

0:52:110:52:14

This will be a good time. Incredible!

0:52:140:52:17

One minute and 42 seconds. That will take some beating, if it's possible.

0:52:170:52:22

Ian's run was near-flawless.

0:52:220:52:25

He beat the tidal wave and the Crazy Sweeper.

0:52:250:52:29

He didn't fall once. Andy and James really have their work cut out now.

0:52:290:52:35

Oh, my goodness! That was pretty incredible from where I'm standing.

0:52:350:52:40

-How was it for you?

-It was incredible as well.

0:52:400:52:43

Exhausting. Hopefully it will be a good time to beat!

0:52:430:52:46

Well, Ian, your time was one minute and 42 seconds.

0:52:460:52:51

Yes! Come on! Fingers crossed.

0:52:510:52:53

Andy is next. Are you ready for this?

0:52:530:52:55

-Yes. I wish him all the best.

-Well done, my man.

0:52:550:52:58

Stand back.

0:53:010:53:02

Here comes Wiggly, Wiggly Andy.

0:53:020:53:04

I'm going to win!

0:53:060:53:08

Shouty as well as wiggly today.

0:53:080:53:11

Watch - I'm going to break records! Come on, let's go!

0:53:110:53:15

He's off.

0:53:180:53:21

And he's in.

0:53:210:53:22

ANDY SCREAMS

0:53:230:53:24

Wow, that was a high-pitched scream, wasn't it?!

0:53:240:53:27

Remember, Wiggly, Wiggly Andy doesn't know how well Ian did.

0:53:270:53:30

He's just aiming for the best time possible.

0:53:300:53:34

Up and onto the ramp,

0:53:360:53:37

and the ten-second tidal-wave countdown starts now.

0:53:370:53:40

Andy's making light work of the Rapid Climb. Straight through it.

0:53:400:53:45

Seesaw of Truth now. And again, Andy looking comfortable.

0:53:470:53:52

This is a very quick start.

0:53:520:53:54

Now things get tougher. It's the Crazy Sweeper.

0:53:570:53:59

He runs, then a tactical duck.

0:53:590:54:01

Now he's off again. Great balance, very fast.

0:54:010:54:04

And he's across, making that look easy.

0:54:040:54:07

Will Andy do as well as Ian on the Rope Swing?

0:54:070:54:11

Got to make this count.

0:54:110:54:14

He swings. He lands.

0:54:140:54:16

Unbelievable!

0:54:160:54:19

One jump to go.

0:54:190:54:20

And Andy finishes in one minute, seven seconds!

0:54:200:54:24

That is a new Wipeout Zone record.

0:54:240:54:27

That is astonishing. Andy said at the top of Killer Surf that he was

0:54:270:54:31

going to break records and that's what he has done, in style.

0:54:310:54:35

It's over to Amanda to give him the good news.

0:54:350:54:38

Wow, you are pumped! You started that pumped, went through it pumped, and you are finishing it pumped.

0:54:400:54:45

Yes, most certainly!

0:54:450:54:47

-Winning is winning! Come on!

-I'm taking it you want to win?!

0:54:470:54:50

Oh, yes! I don't settle for second. Only first.

0:54:500:54:54

I have to tell you, Andy, Ian was incredible out there tonight.

0:54:540:54:58

You were the one to beat all day today.

0:54:580:55:01

He's still the one to beat. He's faster than you. Hard luck.

0:55:010:55:05

Go and join the others.

0:55:050:55:07

Andy, what do I say, my man?

0:55:070:55:09

You are the one to beat, but James is pretty strong competition, and he's up next.

0:55:090:55:14

Let's watch.

0:55:140:55:15

So, in order to claim that trophy and the ten-grand prize,

0:55:170:55:20

Slam Dunk James is going to have to break the new Wipeout Zone record.

0:55:200:55:25

Not that James knows that. He's just out to do the best he can.

0:55:250:55:30

Bring out the peace!

0:55:300:55:33

JAMES SCREAMS

0:55:360:55:39

Is that joy or fear? It's fear now.

0:55:390:55:43

James really can't afford to make any errors.

0:55:430:55:46

One slip-up, and the title is Andy's.

0:55:460:55:48

That means, of course, he must beat the tidal wave on the Rapid Climb.

0:55:480:55:53

He gets up. Does he? Yes, he does.

0:55:560:55:58

The countdown begins,

0:55:580:55:59

and Slam Dunk James is bounding up the ramp. Impressive stuff again.

0:55:590:56:04

He's cleared it. Seesaw of Truth now.

0:56:070:56:10

He's on. Very quick.

0:56:110:56:14

I think he's got Andy worried.

0:56:170:56:19

The Crazy Sweeper.

0:56:190:56:21

Quick run, and duck.

0:56:210:56:23

And he's off again. Here comes the Sweeper.

0:56:230:56:26

Quickly, quickly.

0:56:260:56:28

He's there.

0:56:280:56:30

This really couldn't be any closer, but James needs to make this

0:56:300:56:35

to stay in contention. Big swing required.

0:56:350:56:38

Big swing delivered.

0:56:380:56:40

Oh, untangles himself.

0:56:400:56:42

Jumps. Oh, one minute, 11 seconds.

0:56:420:56:46

Any other day, that's a winner,

0:56:460:56:48

but sadly for James, not tonight.

0:56:480:56:51

It looked like no-one would get near Wiggly, Wiggly Andy's record-breaking time, but somehow

0:56:520:56:57

James also came up with a flawless run. What a great Wipeout Zone, and what a close finish!

0:56:570:57:03

That was absolutely brilliant!

0:57:030:57:06

How was it for you?

0:57:060:57:08

Mad. Absolutely mad.

0:57:080:57:10

Hysterically so, actually.

0:57:100:57:12

Well, you've been poetry in motion

0:57:120:57:15

all day today, James.

0:57:150:57:17

Andy has been the one to beat.

0:57:170:57:19

I've got to tell you, guys, there were four seconds between you two.

0:57:190:57:24

Andy, you are the Total Wipeout champion.

0:57:300:57:32

Doesn't seem to want his trophy, but well done, Wiggly, Wiggly Andy.

0:57:340:57:40

He doesn't want his award!

0:57:400:57:41

Huge congratulations to 22-year-old journalism student from Welwyn Garden City, Andy Cowper.

0:57:440:57:50

Not only does Andy join the exclusive ranks of Total Wipeout winners,

0:57:500:57:54

but he also becomes our Wipeout Zone record holder.

0:57:540:57:57

There you go! Your trophy!

0:57:590:58:01

That's it for today. A good show, but perhaps not

0:58:060:58:09

up to the vigorous intellectual standards we've become used to.

0:58:090:58:13

That's all rectified next time, when there'll be thought-provoking stuff like this.

0:58:130:58:17

Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale!

0:58:170:58:20

And highbrow moments like this.

0:58:200:58:22

Yeah!

0:58:220:58:24

And for the thinking man, a bit of this.

0:58:240:58:27

Vroom!

0:58:270:58:29

There will be clever people, won't they, not...? Yeah, OK.

0:58:290:58:32

From Amanda and me, goodbye.

0:58:320:58:35

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:370:58:41

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:410:58:45

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