Episode 2 Total Wipeout

Tired of your journey to work? Suffering the old winter blues?

Need a relaxing break in the sun?

20 like-minded Brits, including a DJ, a butler and a sheep farmer,

felt that way, too, and bought a package deal to South America.

Unfortunately, none of them read the small print.

It'll be worth it for one of them,

because today's winner will go home with £10,000.

Let the games begin.

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

Completing the Total Wipeout course

was recently voted one of the ten things to do before you die.

It's worth ticking off the other nine things first, just to be safe.

What's in store today, I wonder?

The Qualifier, who will qualify?

Crash Mountain, who will crash?

Dizzy Dummies, who will be dizzied?

The grand final, the Wipeout Zone.

Who will be wiped from the zone?

Someone's going to win £10,000.

If you're lucky enough to get to Buenos Aires,

there are three must-see sights - the tomb of Evita,

Eduardo's cousin's steak house, don't drink the water,

and Amanda Byram at the top of the Qualifier.

I'm joined now by Faye. Faye, where are you from?

I'm from Basildon in Essex.

I don't buy into the Essex girl cliche. You don't go to discos and dance round your handbag?

LAUGHS You can come with me to Bas Vegas!

-Good luck.

-Thank you.

Don't think Amanda's bothered about going to Bas Vegas.

I'm doing it for all the Essex girls.

I won't be dancing round my handbag today!

Faye's first obstacle has evolved from humble beginnings

to become one of the most terrifying things on Earth.

In the beginning was the Walk Of Shame. Scary.

This grew taller and more dangerous to become...

Really scary.

And now it's evolved into the...

Terrifying.

Hang on. It's exactly the same.

That's rubbish.

Here comes Faye to test the "new" obstacle.

GIGGLES

That IS Faye?

24-year-old Faye is a waitress.

She claims to be the clumsiest person ever.

She's crashed eight times and chucked drinks over her boss.

Maybe her luck will change.

How did she DO that?

She just tripped over!

Forget "Super", "Doopa" and "Walk". Let's leave it at "Shame".

Come on, Fayesie.

The fastest 12 competitors progress to the next round.

Faye needs to swim fast to the Sucker Punch.

22 mechanical boxing gloves versus one Essex girl.

Almost sounds like a fair match.

At least she didn't trip over "nothing" this time.

Every second counts.

At this speed, there'll be a lot of seconds to count.

At least those gloves are keeping her hands clean(!)

Next, the four red foam foes that strike fear

into every contestant's face.

Just in case they feel like a rest,

the Motivator is back for added motivation.

Impressive. Great work. Sort of.

It's a swim and a climb to the final obstacle.

And they're back!

Well, they've never been away.

Two swinging cradles dangling over the precipice, yes, it's the...

'Cradles Of Doom!'

The contestants need to dash headlong over these

onto the finish podium, where the clock stops.

Faye needs to pull up her socks and her trousers.

Trippy Faye is on the first cradle. Don't trip now.

It wasn't a trip, really.

Just a bog-standard fall from Trippy Faye. Not a trip. Still hurt.

Faye makes it to the finish podium in:

Wa-hoo!

-Faye, my darling. You knocked the Essex out of yourself.

-Yes.

I think I did. Oh, that was brilliant, though.

-You fell off a bit of everything.

-I thought that as I went round.

"I've not done very well on anything." But I tried.

You never know. There are people that might be worse than you.

-Get dried off. We'll see you later.

-Thank you.

Now, a Total Wipeout first.

This is Maz - a real live actual butler.

His bottom half's clearly on holiday.

-You rang, m'lord?

-Please be upstand to Amanda Boram.

That was absolutely brilliant.

Apart from Amanda "Borom"... Byram.

-It's all right. Who else have you butled for?

-George Michael.

I've been to him a few times. Christmas parties.

Ozzy Osbourne.

-Elton, if you're watching. Sir Elton. Hi.

-You butled for Elton!

Maz has rubbed shoulders with the stars. It's his turn to become one.

You rang, m'lord?

Let's see how this connoisseur of presentational skills...

That was exquisite.

A first course serving of shame.

Now it's time for the punch to be served.

I wonder if this is more demanding than working for Sir Elton.

Oh, well. Looks like soup...

If he thinks that's soup, he's never butlering for me.

Right, main course. Big Balls.

The grace and poise of an experienced butler are evident.

He wouldn't have dropped a tray doing that, I bet.

Now, for dessert, Cradles Of Doom.

This "Maz"ster of ceremonies is onto the first cradle.

-Taking his time.

-What's swinging that?

Gravity, a rope and an Argentinian.

Don't rush it!

Undignified!

He rushed it. Yeah.

Maz finishes his Qualifier

with some liquid refreshment.

Stop the clock!

OK, sir. The clock has stopped at:

His famous clients should be pleased.

Sir Elton would say, "That's my boy! You've done me proud."

This is 35-year-old Lorraine from Warrington.

-Tell me a bit more about yourself.

-I have two personalities.

-Lorraine at work, who's sensible.

-Sensible Lorraine.

-And Lozza, who's a bit mad.

-Run for cover. It's Lozza.

-Which one are you going to be today?

-Lozza is going to win this!

-Lorraine wouldn't win it.

-Good luck, Lozza and Lorraine.

Thank you very much.

Off goes the wild beast that is Lozza.

Looks like she turned into Lorraine at the crucial moment.

Lozza is so crazy she hasn't even turned up for the show!

She's left Lorraine to do it all for her. Or, indeed, for them.

Maybe Lozza will make a last-minute appearance.

When Lorraine needed Lozza most,

Lozza was too busy going mad at the top of the course.

That was awkward. Guess there'll be forms to fill in.

Lorraine completes the course in:

Lozza never showed up.

Lozza!

A bit late now.

The ancient art of the ninja has long been chronicled in folklore.

The legendary powers of the ninja included endurance,

invisibility...

..and combat skills.

Ninjutsu takes years to perfect.

Sadly, Dilip has only been doing it for a few months, as you can tell.

I'm Dilip and I'm here to decimate this course.

Dilip-San sets off on his quest for a Total Wipeout black belt.

Just got a wet belt now, then.

Still strangely graceful. Time for those ninjutsu powers, Dilip-San.

-Wow! He made it!

-That's more like it.

The first person today to make it over.

Dilip-San entered a boxing match

which was stopped in the second round after he received a pasting.

Look away now.

The bit everyone's been waiting for!

For one moment, I thought it WAS worth waiting for.

But it wasn't.

Just the Cradles Of Doom left.

This is turning out to be quite a quick run.

Jumping ability of a flying squirrel!

No-one's made these yet. Surely this budding ninja can.

Summon those skills. Focus those energies.

Summon the clinging ability of a...

clingy thing.

Dilip-San karate kicks himself into second place.

Time to celebrate with a stylish ninja kick.

He's only been doing it for a few months. Takes time.

One thing I'm often asked is, when it comes to obstacle courses,

who's better, sports science students who are also models, or sports coaches who aren't models?

The best way to find out is a scientific study but that costs way too much, so who's quicker?

Representing the sports science students/models...

For the sports coaches/not models,

Oxford Sports Personality of the Year, Ruth.

Time for the lean, mean, long-legged machine!

My name's Ruth and I'm a heptathlete

and I'm going to run, jump and throw myself around this course.

First is Sports Personality Ruth.

Wow!

Brilliant effort from Personality Ruth.

Frankie's got a tough act to follow. Her catwalk experience will help.

Her long legs didn't really help there.

I'm thinking baby giraffe.

She's a heptathlete. I don't think boxing is part of the heptathlon.

No. Doesn't look like it.

Sports Personality Ruth is awarded a blow to the head.

She's doing well. Balanced, poised, strong...

Oh. She's fallen in.

Frankie's hot on Ruth's heels.

Can Ruth coach herself across the balls?

She's onto the fourth ball!

Come on.

Agonisingly close!

That was pioneering stuff!

Never have I seen anyone attempt a front flip, and it nearly worked.

Ten out of ten for showboating, at least!

Will Frankie try a somersault? I hope so.

That was impressive.

Another four-baller. Ruth and Frankie are closely matched.

Who will finish strongest?

Ruth hauls herself to the summit in an impressive:

The fastest time so far today.

It could be a short-lived record. Frankie's also doing very well.

Frankie beats Ruth's time by a second.

To answer that often-unasked question,

sports science students/models

are better than sports coaches/not models.

Next to try and make his mark is 21-year-old Solihull student Craig.

-Have you always been a sporty type?

-No. I used to be a fat person.

I'd be there like... You know when you get the sympathy clap?

"Craig, you can do it cos you're chubby(!)"

I used to live in Solihull. There'll be no patronising here.

SHRIEKS

Oh, dear.

He tried, though, and a great shriek. Well done.

What kind of shriek will Craig unleash on the Sucker Punch?

Argh!

Nice variation. If the wall could slow clap, it would be doing it.

But it can't.

Could he be the first to cross today?

He is going to make it.

Aargh.

Incredible fall and shriek from Shrieking Craig.

He went backwards.

Craig jumps to the top of the leader board!

That is worth a shriek!

Argh!

Now to Adalat, a body-building granddad from Southampton.

Have you done a lot of training for the course today?

You're 59. You're clearly extremely fit.

Look at the gun boats on you. Do you think you're going to win?

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. Be careful.

I think he's still dizzy from that dodgy turntable.

That might have ruined a lesser man

but it didn't stop Adalat.

Probably did hurt a bit, though.

It's time for Adalat's body-building skills to come into their own.

He's doing it.

He's undoing it.

Adalat's seven grandchildren,

yes, seven, will be willing him on.

No. Just no!

Who cares? He's 59 and he's about to complete the Qualifier.

This is what Total Wipeout's about, a middle-aged man

repeatedly falling into water then dragging himself up some stairs.

Adalat, I salute you.

You're 59 and you completed the Qualifier. Well done you.

-Younger people have quit halfway.

-Thank you.

-I'm proud of you.

-I'm proud of myself.

-Go get dried off. See you later.

-Thank you very much.

# Amanda's in love! #

Oh. He's seized up.

Here's someone else who's had a lot of training - 34-year-old Sadie from Hackney.

Mountain biking. I can bench press 500 kilos. Roller-skiing.

Power training.

Are you sure she's from Hackney? Get me her form.

CANADIAN ACCENT: Watch and learn!

I'm not sure about that cockney accent...

Oh, dear!

It says here Sadie's from Canada and now lives in Hackney. Carry on.

Mockney Sadie on the Big Balls.

Strike a light, gor blimey!

Can Mockney Sadie be first to cross the cradles?

Come on, Sadie.

About as far away from that second cradle as Canada is from Hackney.

Sadie climbs the maple syrup coated apples and pears in a superb time.

Pucka.

The Cradles Of Doom have been a big foam thorn

in every contestant's side and face so far.

No-one has made it across. Some people didn't make it far at all.

38-year-old foster carer Pippa

discovered the only thing that comes to those who wait...

is water - poor Loitering Pippa.

And 50-year-old Jane Fonda workout enthusiast Sybille

found her step routine went all wrong.

If anyone's to make it they'll need to be a master of stepping forward

when two swingy things are closest together - the challenge is set.

Maybe this guy will be the one to conquer the cradles.

His name's Grant and he's a real-life superstar DJ.

MUSIC: "Hey Boy, Hey Girl" by Chemical Brothers

This is Grant on the ones and twos.

Remember this name cos I ain't gonna lose!

OK. Here he goes.

There he went.

-I do a bit of MC-ing on the side. Shall I take it away?

-Please do.

Love me and hear me, Dizzy Dummies take note

I'm gonna hit the bulls-eye and float your boat.

Right in the bulls-eye!

You set it up. What did you expect? Not sure Grant's MC-ing is helping.

I'm gonna give it my best shot. The fastest time you've seen. Damn! I look so hot.

Not sure that was the fastest time but he does look hot. As in sweaty.

And a bit ill.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

This is Chee. He's 34 and has been a martial arts expert since he was 17.

And this is 18-year-old Laura,

a fearless central defender for her local football team.

How will these two fitness freaks fair against...

Peter, who just likes cakes?

It's brawn versus brioche.

Muscle versus malt loaf. Daring versus doughnut.

Ooh. I could eat a doughnut.

I'm going to heat this oven to 11.

I'll bake it, ice it and eat this course up! Come on, cake boy!

Off goes Peter Cake with a brilliant cake analogy.

He's gone down. Not enough self-raising flour.

Here comes super-fit Chee.

He's gone down, too!

Strong swimmer, though. He's being serious about it.

Peter Cake gears up for a second bite of the Walk Of Shame cherry.

I love a good turnover, and that was one.

That attempt was half-baked!

You see? Half..

The history of headbands on Total Wipeout is an unhappy one.

He can't see a thing.

Maybe he's using smell to find the Sucker Punch.

Laura's powering through the defence.

That's gonna cost her some time and maybe some teeth.

Well, you signed up!

Dip in the chocolate and he's straight out.

Could cake really be helping him?

Tired Chee looking...tired? He's slowed right down.

He just fell onto it!

Pete is powering up the ramp!

Still no sign of this cake-lover crumbling.

He's making very good time. That's what I meant.

Tired Chee creeps to the finish line in:

Centre-back Laura dribbles across in:

Peter Cake is likely to beat them both if he can beat the cradles.

Yes. Come on, Pete.

He leaps...and he's done it.

Piece of cake for Peter Cake in an incredible:

It conclusively proves that eating cake is good for you.

-It's something I've known for ages.

-Richard. >

-What?

-Something on your face.

Here? Is that it?

Got it?

Today's show is really exciting - a butler, a DJ and now an actress.

This is Dee. I wonder what she's been in. A Bond film? Hamlet?

Heavy stuff.

-Would I have seen you in anything?

-Holby City. I played a patient.

-What was wrong with you?

-A stomach ache but we had to stay at the back.

A patient in the back of a scene in Holby City

would have been my third guess.

Let's hope she doesn't end up in casualty!

Less treading the boards, more treading water from a height.

The rarely seen reverse-butterfly!

A treat for all those swim-stroke enthusiasts watching.

Darling Dee considers her role in the drama that is the Sucker Punch.

Now she's playing the part of "woman stuck in mud".

Playing it perfectly. Let's give Dee a minute or two. Or maybe nine.

Four competitors left.

Next to tackle the Qualifier is 23-year-old Kent model Josh.

# Josh from Kent #

They say models may be pretty but there's not a lot going on upstairs. What would you say to that?

There's not much going on upstairs.

-Takes a while to think. I'll come back in a half hour.

-OK. Bye bye.

Good looks. Brains. Josh has one of those.

This is the catwalk of Josh's life.

Not the face! Josh modelling the Wipeout collection.

He's accessorised the lifejacket

with natty socks and a spearmint T-shirt.

-# Josh from Kent #

-Anyone else hearing that?

No.

Positively strutting over those balls!

A bit.

# Josh from Kent #

This is a very fast time.

Just one strut to the finish podium.

He's made it. Josh From Kent catwalks into second place.

# Josh from Kent #

Darling Dee has been stuck in the same role for two minutes.

Maybe she's claiming her 15 minutes of fame - all in the mud pit.

Argh. Argh.

Come on, Dee. Try the role of an action hero and heave yourself out.

Think your way into the part.

She's done it.

What's HE doing?

He'll need a strong cup of tea after that high-octane rescue attempt.

Well done, sir(!)

Dee on the balls. Don't hang about.

One actor who knows exactly what her motivation is.

Several hundred kilograms of padded chipboard.

Like lots of TV extras,

the Motivator's only needed for a few minutes once or twice a week.

Let's come back to Dee.

Next is 49-year-old property developer and hockey referee, Nick.

We're having a special night in my hockey club.

£7.50 a ticket. They're limited.

Get in early. If you snooze, you lose.

I need to work out if £7.50's value for money.

That was worth 50p, at best.

Maybe the Sucker Punch will come up trumps.

On the thigh! That's got 20p written all over it!

Here's a chance to provide more value for money.

The second-ball bounce. Nothing new there. 3p.

Nick's got to do something spectacular here.

That face plant has to earn him £2.

Nick's performance was worth:

He owes each hockey club member:

-Any chance of a refund?

-No chance.

Slightly unfair.

Just two to go and here comes Jo,

a 30-year-old sheep farmer from Rutland.

-What in the world of sheep farming is going to help you there?

-I wrestle sheep.

Jo, I wouldn't do that.

She might sue "ewe". Get it? I made that up on the hoof.

I'm gonna wrestle this course like I wrestle my sheep.

Jo's the first ever sheep-wrestler to make it over there.

What an accolade! Ignoring the broken nose.

Will the Motivator strike a second time today?

Sheepy Jo skips out of the way!

Let's see it baa-ck. I'll stop that.

Is it possible to get ball burn? Let's hope not.

Sheepy Jo climbs to the finish in:

It should be enough to herd her into the next round.

Last man to tackle the Qualifier - 33-year-old Julian,

a wildlife vet from Cambridge.

-How will you tame the beast that is the Qualifier?

-Just go at it at full pace.

He wasn't lying. Julian's dashing.

Straight into the water!

MUSIC: Theme from "All Creatures Great & Small"

Is he all right?

Good. Already up and onto the second set.

Yes! Over the second set like a mountain goat.

Watch out for Darling Dee. I think she's still around.

Dashing Julian to take on the Big Balls.

That was a 360 plus a 180.

Which equals...really rather good.

He's nearly there. Just one more jump to go.

He's done it in:

Smashing today's record.

Almost forgot, Darling Dee's still going.

It's not the fastest time but it is an epic worthy of an Oscar.

Come on, Dee.

Circular breathing. Just one more jump.

-SHE GROANS

-This is intense.

Come on. You can do this, Dee.

Oh, bravo! The Holby City extra has made it

in 11 minutes 41.

Which means she hasn't made it into the next round.

Never mind. There's always The Bill.

Hang on. That's been axed.

Total Wipeout is full of surprises.

As 11th-place Jo found out, not always good ones.

Jo picked up an injury on the Qualifier and has had to withdraw.

13th place Maz takes her position in the next round.

Before that, it's time to doff the cap to seven other fallen comrades.

What does "doff" mean?

MUSIC: "Every Loser Wins" by Nick Berry

The first five to the centre podium are through to the next round.

Sounds simple. Unfortunately, it's not.

Dash along the rotating platform.

In the way, a sweeper arm in the other direction.

Five are heading for Dizzy Dummy glory.

The other seven are heading for the departure lounge.

On podiums one and two are Mockney Sadie and Peter Cake.

Put a cake in the middle and I'll be there.

On three and four...

# Josh from Kent #

-And Frankie Incredible.

-Bring it on, cake boy!

On podiums five and six, Dilip-San and Pay-Per-View Nick.

On seven and eight, Dashing Julian, the fastest man to qualify,

and Sybille - what's she looking at?

On nine, ten and 11, Maz-ter of Ceremonies,

Centre-Back Laura and Personality Ruth.

On podium 12, Shrieking Craig.

-Blblbp.

-Not the best shriek there.

Destruction, terror and a snooze in the sunshine. Spot the odd one out.

Hello! It's Crash Mountain! If you snooze, you lose.

An arm, maybe. Or a leg. Just joking.

MOUTHS

-Are you ready?

-Yeah!

-Fools. Three, two, one!

KLAXON

As the honky thing is honked the mountain starts turning.

It's Julian. And off.

Shrieking Craig. He's off, too.

-Aargh!

-Nice shriek, though.

Mockney Sadie and Peter Cake both down.

Sybille is on.

And straight off.

Josh From Kent. Mind the face!

Here's Nick, hugging his spoon. Needs to pick his moment.

That wasn't it!

I'm guessing that hurt.

Laura.

Who's the next glutton for punishment?

Somebody's got to do it.

Frankie Incredible.

Oh, come on, guys.

-Can't do it.

-You can. You must.

Dilip-San, the ninja spirit.

Personality Ruth.

Losing a battle against friction.

Dilip's going for it.

Like a ninja, he vanishes.

Is Butler Maz waiting for orders?

Shrieking Craig.

Julian's on.

I can't look, but I am contractually obliged.

He's on. He's done it.

Dashing Julian lives up to his name. Who'll be next?

Clearly, not Dilip.

Or Craig.

Frankie's landed it.

Timing. Timing.

Yes. Yes.

Come on, Frankie.

Frankie's through to the Dizzy Dummies!

Josh From Kent. Where did HE come from?

Apart from Kent.

Yes, he's through. Three down. Two to go.

Will it be Peter, Laura,

Sadie, Dilip, Nick,

Ruth, Sybille, Craig

or Maz, who's not moved an inch?

Sadie.

Peter Cake.

Dilip-San needs all of his ninja cunning.

He's...through to the next round.

Just one place up for grabs.

Here's Sybille...and Maz.

No! Outrageous behaviour!

That ridiculous 11th-hour attempt could have cost them both dearly.

Nick is SO determined.

Maybe Nick will seize his opportunity.

What a shame! He lost his helmet. Or his head's come off.

Personality Ruth with a last gasp attempt.

Everything counts now.

Yes! She's done it!

She shoots! She scores!

That is the five - Josh From Kent, Dashing Julian, Frankie Incredible, Dilip-San and Personality Ruth.

Breathe. Must remember to breathe. That was frantic.

Crash Mountain has done what it does best - injure people.

Only joking. It's completely safe.

It's time to wave goodbye to the unlucky Crash Mountaineers who never made it to base camp.

I am a winner by nature but, on this occasion,

better people were there.

I could have done with the money for my student loan.

Very deflated.

When Maz went in the back of me

and pulled me down, I was gutted.

She's very disappointed.

I sucked. My technique was terrible. What can you do?

Crash Mountain definitely

totally wiped me out.

I want to see them all struggle, like I just have.

I want to see them have a real bad time.

The five contestants will be strapped into a nasty spinning thing

and spun for a sickening 40 seconds.

They stagger through the Back Door then traverse the Slippery Blob.

The last to the other side will be eliminated.

They then do it all again.

The four remaining competitors face the Barrel Run

with three Argentinian ball tossers tossing balls at them.

Last one over, out. Final three...

Somebody call a doctor.

You might want to bring a bucket and a mop and a bit of disinfectant.

It's gonna get messy. It's Dizzy Dummies. Are you ready?

ALL: Yeah.

That was pathetic. Three, two, one!

KLAXON

40 seconds of hell begins.

Let's remind ourselves of who these lucky people are.

First in every round so far, this man seems unstoppable.

It's Dashing Julian.

She's a sporty kick-boxing model called Frankie. Frankie Incredible.

Not much going on upstairs.

He's a model called Josh who lives in Kent. It's...

# Josh from Kent #

The fourth Dizzy Dummy is learning to be a ninja.

He's better at foam-padded obstacle courses. It's Dilip-San.

I'm going to run, jump and throw myself around this course.

She was Oxford Sports Personality of the Year - Personality Ruth.

So, two models, two ladies, a ninja and a man called Julian.

That makes six! Hang on. There's only five.

And off they go.

Personality Ruth and Frankie Incredible

are first to attempt the Back Door.

DING DONG

Hang on.

Frankie's stolen the lead.

Oh, it IS pretty slippery.

The path is clear for Josh From Kent.

Dashing Julian...

..catapults Josh.

-Well done, Josh From Kent.

-Get in!

Yes. Get in.

Dilip-San is down, taking Julian with him.

Coast clear for Frankie Incredible, second attempt.

It's slippery!

Total Wipeout contestants stating the obvious since 2009.

Ooh, she's hanging on! She is.

Or is she?

Here comes Personality Ruth.

Oh, that's nice. She's helping her!

That's what I call a chick helping a sister out!

One place left. Julian dashing.

Devoured by the vet-munching blob!

Dilip's bid for glory begins.

Again.

Come on, Dilip! >

And the crowd go wild.

He needs to kind of move a bit there.

Ruthless stuff! The crowd's incensed.

If Julian makes it across, Dilip is out!

And he's made it.

Waaaa!

There's a risk of crowd violence breaking out, and Dilip is out.

Oh, my man! Come here to me.

You were clearly in the lead then Julian was ahead of you.

-Yeah, the greasy blob was...

-What? Julian?

CHUCKLES The inflatable balloon was covered in grease.

-I couldn't find any traction.

-You should be proud of yourself. Go and join the others.

Whilst the remaining competitors embark on another spin cycle,

there's time to take stock, relax and...

Yeah. Hope one of them doesn't puke all over their shoes.

Frankie, Ruth, Julian and Josh must make it over the Barrel Run.

-DING DONG

-Come in.

It's Julian, looking a bit squiffy.

On to the barrels.

Josh is on, too. Here come the balls.

Right in the face!

Josh is getting his pretty face destroyed. "My face! My fortune!"

Whoever's in charge of those balls is quite a tosser.

Personality Ruth's the frontrunner.

She's in. Just Frankie Incredible left upright.

Three barrels to go, but those balls are not helping.

She's taking some direct hits.

Ooh, no. Frankie's off.

Just over-cooked it there.

And the fall sealed with a ball.

This is serious. The first three over are in the Wipeout Zone.

Josh From Kent now, looking good.

Josh From Kent is the first to bag himself a spot in the final.

Ruth, Julian and Frankie still in play.

No, Julian!

No, Ruth, too.

She was in touching distance. It could be all over for Ruth.

Frankie, teetering towards the finish.

-Frankie Incredible joins Josh in the Wipeout Zone.

-Yes!

One spot left.

Unbelievable!

Wa-hoo! How good was that?

Yeah. How good WAS that?

And Personality Ruth is out.

-The boys with the balls were tough.

-I'm going to get them later.

Such a fantastic contestant. Well done, but hard luck.

Pipped at the post!

This is the part of the show that always brings a tear to my eye.

It's this time when my bottom goes numb

from perching on this plywood stool bought from a pound shop!

On Top Gear, I get a cushion.

I can't believe it! The last girl standing. I'm so proud to be here.

I thought I could get this far, but to get here is just unbelievable.

Now I'm actually here and in the last three, it's, like, "Oooh! Wow!"

Being fastest in the Qualifier puts me in a good position tonight.

Me and Josh have to stick together. Hopefully one of us two will get it.

Being a model, I came in with a stereotype.

Everyone expected me to be mincing about.

I'm a bit like Action Man, just not as hard.

Me against two models? They're going to be painting their toenails.

They're not even going to hear the klaxon.

Julian's a sneaky one. I saw him jump over Dilip on the blob.

- He just wants to go for it. - Julian's very focused on winning.

We'll see how it goes tonight.

Losing is simply not an option.

FRANKIE: I'm going to put everything into it.

JOSH: I'm confident.

FRANKIE: I'm not hurting. I'm ready to go.

JOSH: Got to give it everything.

Gonna do it in super-quick time so, yeah, I'm pretty confident.

It's all talk, really. I'm gonna be nervous as hell.

Everything the contestants have been through -

the mud, the adrenaline, the grit, the sweat - all boils down to this.

Boiled it down earlier in my junior chemistry set.

-SNIFFS

-It smells all adrenaliney.

Anyway, time for the Wipeout Zone. Why did I boil that down?

They'll start with a hasty trip down the Killer Surf

and a dash up the Rapid Climb, with ten seconds to avoid the tidal wave.

Then it's the deceptively gentle sounding Seesaw Of Truth

to the Crazy Sweeper, and a swing and a jump to the finish podium.

The fastest wins £10,000.

The other two don't win £10,000.

You could cut the tension with a knife. We've got a model.

We've got another model.

And we've got a vet.

Which gives us a pretty wild Wipeout Zone.

The first to go is Josh.

He's from Kent. He's called Josh. It's Josh From Kent.

It's been emotional, people. Love you all.

KLAXON

That's a model start from the model.

A quick swim to the Rapid Climb.

Once he gets to his feet, he has ten seconds before the tidal wave.

In short, he can't hang around.

Ten seconds starts now, and he's looking quick.

Powering up that ramp.

And Josh beats the tidal wave.

A flawless start. Undoubtedly, like his skin.

Or something. Josh cleverly using the wall to help his balance.

Next, the Crazy Sweeper. Here he goes.

He's hanging on.

This is a really quick time.

Next, the Rope Swing.

Here he goes. Any time now. Any time now.

What is he doing?

Any time now.

Just one jump to go, one final leap.

Josh completes the Wipeout Zone in:

That's just unhygienic! Other people have to hit that.

A strong performance from Josh,

but that near fall and the delay on the Rope Swing

cost him vital seconds.

It's up to Frankie and Julian to capitalise.

How was it for you?

OUT OF BREATH: Pretty much exhausting.

You've got two really strong competitors coming up.

-They both pull it out the bag when it's needed so I'm pretty scared.

-Let's watch Frankie.

She's a model and she's looking good for the win. Frankie Incredible.

Here goes! Aargh!

KLAXON

Frankie needs to put in a faultless performance.

From what she's done so far today, that is a real possibility.

Come on, Frankie girl!

Onto the Rapid Climb. The countdown's begun.

That tidal wave is on its way.

She avoids the wave. Now, the Seesaw.

Tougher than it looks.

Very slippery.

Easy to rush and mess up.

This is where Josh stumbled.

Disaster for Frankie. She dodged the sweeper but slipped off the beam.

It's pretty much game over for Frankie, not that she knows that.

All she can do is continue to do her best. It's got to hurt.

Oh, no. She's caught up in the rope.

One leap to go,

but getting her bearings before she does that.

Frankie's time is:

Good, but not enough to beat Josh.

Frankie started promisingly but her stumble on the Crazy Sweeper

ended her chances of winning.

Time for Amanda to give Frankie the bad news.

That was a brilliant performance, but what happened? You fell off!

I fell off on the turn thingey. I tried but I just slipped off.

Right now, it's a battle of the beauties.

Oh, Josh! Oh, Frankie!

And Frankie, you have not saved face.

You weren't as fast as Josh. Go join the others.

-Well done, anyway.

-Well done, Josh.

She's out of the picture now. This is between you and Julian.

-Yours is the time to beat.

-I'm nervous.

Come here!

The only man left who can steal Josh's crown. It's Dashing Julian.

Ian, this one's for you!

KLAXON

Bumpy landing, but it hasn't slowed him down.

Now, Julian is a very determined young vet.

A head-to-head between Julian and Josh now.

The ten seconds start.

He is quickly making his way up the Rapid Climb.

No outing for the tidal wave this week.

Onto the Seesaw.

Being tentative. Tip-toeing. Come on, Julian.

Can't afford a mistake.

Onto the Crazy Sweeper. Josh stumbled here.

Frankie fell. How will Julian fare?

Oh, no! This is really bad news for Julian.

That slip could well have cost him.

He's recovered quickly. He's in with a chance.

A quick swing and jump and he might lift that trophy.

Good swing required.

Oh, no!

No? No, no, no!

Unbelievable!

Julian can kiss goodbye to the ten grand prize.

He doesn't know that yet.

He's got to climb back up onto the turntable

and attempt that simple jump once again.

Doesn't look like there's much left in the tank. An heroic effort.

He was so close. Back onto the turntable.

Pushing himself. Getting his bearings.

And he's done it in:

That's one second behind Frankie and a long way behind Josh.

Despite a fall on the Crazy Sweeper he could have clinched the title.

That leap handed the win to Josh. Time for Amanda to break the news.

-How are you doing, my man?

-GROANS:

-I'm a bit wet but...

You were doing so incredibly well. Then you fell off.

Then you recovered incredibly well. Then you fell off at the very end!

-I like to make it a bit exciting.

-You were really fast.

Josh was fantastic as well. I know you thought he was a pretty boy.

Julian, don't judge a book by its cover.

Josh, you are the Total Wipeout champion!

CHEERING

23-year-old model Josh Parkinson from Kent is today's winner.

Great news because if he has damaged his good looks on the course

he's got £10,000 towards reconstructive surgery.

Should buy half a nose. Maybe a lip.

Join me next time when there'll be a bit of this...a bit of that...

and a bit of the other.

Until next time, from Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

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