Episode 1 Total Wipeout

'Since the dawn of time, we have not been alone.

'On mankind's course through history

'there's been an unseen higher force shaping, guiding, watching.

'Now, it's here.'

# Oompah! Oompah! Stick it up your jumper! #

And that's just the Qualifier. Welcome back to Total Wipeout.

# Stick it up your jumper! #

'Buenos Aires, Argentina,

'home to the greatest obstacle course in the world.

'A handful of Brits including a banker, a psychiatrist

'and a private investigator have travelled here

'to take on this challenge.

'Most will return home losers,

'but one will return with £10,000 and a rubbish trophy.

'In a way, even the winner's a loser. Let the games begin!'

Welcome to a brand new series of Total Wipeout.

Now, human endeavour is wonderful.

They said man would never fly. He did.

They said man would never set foot on the moon. He did.

They said that a TV game show consisting of foam obstacles would never make a fourth series. It did.

How? I honestly don't know. Best we don't flag it up to the BBC.

Quick! On with the show.

'Today's challenge comprises the Qualifier, new and improved.

'Crash Mountain, old and improved.

'Dizzy Dummies, old and unimproved.

'And the Wipeout Zone -

'if anything, worse.'

So, I'm back. The Big Red Balls are back. Eduardo's back.

People smashing their faces into ginormous foam objects are back.

And, phew, so is Amanda.

I'm joined by Grace from Leicester,

one of those lazy good-for-nothing students.

-We're honoured that you dragged yourself out of bed to GRACE us with your presence.

-That's all right!

-What are you a student of?

-Drama.

-'A drama student!'

-FANFARE

-Are you very dramatic?

-Yes. I would think so.

-FANFARE

-'Very dramatic!'

My name's Amazing Grace! Watch me smash this course in the face!

Grace, a 19-year-old drama student gets this series under way.

She's been on stage since she was seven.

Today's first obstacle is...

Las Traplonkas, the old family fave.

Competitors must leap and swing to safety. That's Traplonka!

If they fall, it's the Steps Of Terror!

Then they have to do it again. That's also Traplonka!

If this show is to get off to a dramatic start

Grace needs to start injecting that drama about now!

A near miss adds to the jeopardy.

So dramatic!

'Very dramatic!'

She's made it...

Oh, yeah! She made that look extremely difficult.

That was the least graceful thing I've ever seen.

Not graceful, but entertaining.

Next, it's the Sucker Punch.

The perfect opportunity

to demonstrate her action movie potential.

She was a woman on the edge of a narrow ledge.

Drama, drama, drama, drama.

Grace expresses all the emotions - surprise, pain, muddiness.

Is that an emotion?

Grace preparing for the greatest stage of all.

Time for the Big Balls.

Should this plucky student need motivation, she'll find it here.

SCREAMS

SCREAMS

Will the first Big Ball of the series be a performance to remember?

Yes, that will be remembered.

It's good to be back.

Grace, looking tired, needs all of her strength

as she approaches the final obstacle which is...

What's THAT?

The designers were given 150 pesos to buy a new obstacle.

Obviously, they kept the money

and stole two letters from the local shopping centre.

So, for the first time ever, I give you...

the Swinging Letters Of Sh.

The competitors dash along while dodging the swinging S and H.

As a drama student, Grace is used to handling lots of difficult words.

How will she do with two big letters?

The drama! Encore, please!

Taken out by the giant S. Didn't get near the giant H.

Grace's audition is just about over.

The clock doesn't stop until she reaches the top of that podium.

Last-minute wardrobe check!

What a performance!

Will it put Grace among the 12 fastest qualifiers

for a place in the next round?

Pretty amazing, right?

Oh, not really.

Do you think you got through to the next round?

I hope so. It seems like days that you're there.

Well done.

Next is Martyn, and he's got a dream.

He wants to complete the Qualifier in a hat.

It's not a big dream, but it's achievable.

Oh, that is a shame. Another look at that.

# You can leave your hat on... #

Maybe again? ..And again?

Just once more.

Martyn takes on the Sucker Punch without the aid of a hat!

He should have the right genetic make-up. His father was a boxer.

He's got a jaw of steel! It's bent now, but it's of steel.

Martyn took quite a blow. At least he is through...

Oh, well.

Pipped to the post.

At least his hat didn't get muddy.

Hatless Martyn heads to the Big Balls.

Enough to snap a man's hat in two!

It's a blessing it fell off early on.

A hard hat would have been good.

After that, Martyn looks a bit unsteady.

He regains his balance for the Swinging Letters Of Sh.

Timing is everything.

Oh, hands-on!

Tries a vault...

The letter S strikes again! Sounds like Sesame Street.

This is Frances, a psychiatrist.

Apparently, psychiatrists can communicate with your subconscious.

-ECHOES:

-They can't.

Who said that?

-ECHOES:

-I did, your subconscious.

Frances approaching the Sucker Punch

contemplating what caused it to become so aggressive.

That Sucker Punch has really got some issues.

Poor Frances got a mouthful of mud.

On to the Big Balls now.

-ECHOES:

-Freud's gonna love that.

Can you go just away?

Frances, when did you realise you were about to fall off a big ball?

-ECHOES:

-I want to be your friend.

I don't need friends.

Just the Swinging Letters Of Sh to go.

No-one's made it past them yet. Will she be the first?

No. No. No.

I think Amanda's got a joke.

That's what you call a Freudian slip.

-ECHOES:

-She's much funnier than you.

This is 39-year-old Joy from Derby.

Joy's been on the course for over a minute

and hasn't reached the first obstacle.

Maybe she'll turn it around on Las Traplonkas! Here we go!

Yes!

No.

Yes.

No.

Come on, Joy. It's not like it's a competition.

Ooh.

Y-yes! Joy's made it. I honestly wasn't expecting that.

Joy's getting better and better.

That was unlucky. Not her fault.

Joy works in a BOTOX clinic. A fun one, by the looks of things.

She can handle wrinkles. Can she handle Big Balls?

You know what I mean. Come on, Joy!

Get in there.

Get out of there fast!

Yeah. Oh! That feels good for us.

The first time the Motivator's been used today.

Like a golf ball struck by a giant red driver. 'Fore!

Oh, dear. I think Joy's feeling a little under par.

Let's rejoin her later on.

When the pain's stopped.

Ah! The friends of Egypt!

Greet the Pharaoh.

I shall walk this course like an Egyptian!

58-year-old Mohamed does look like a Pharaoh.

He's a retired maths teacher from Taunton.

Can he make it over the first Traplonka?

No, he can't.

Mohamed's the first contestant to tackle the Steps Of Terror.

That was easy. Just some steps.

The second Traplonka.

Has he learned anything?

No. Nothing.

Headgear probably ruined the dynamics.

Not to mention his vision.

Can Mohamed see anything?

Probably just as well.

Poor Mohamed really didn't see that one coming.

Felt it.

Visability down to nothing, using touch alone

to find his way to the Big Balls.

Just as well he can't see. Here he goes.

Me "sphinx" that must have hurt!

-Come on, Mo!

-The Swinging Letters Of Sh now.

-What's that?

-A giant S, Mo.

You taught maths but that's basic stuff.

Only the bravest shall pass the Letters Of Sh.

They require skill, flexibility, timing and, most of all, courage.

Come on, then.

That had all of those things,

just not in the right order.

Check out that scorpion kick! His heels nearly hit his head.

Scorpion King Mo hauls himself up the final stairs

to finish in a hefty:

It was too hard. I thought I would walk it like an Egyptian.

Building pyramids is easier.

This is 29-year-old Trudy.

How did she get those bullets through customs?

She thinks she's in the army but works in a leisure centre.

This is Alex. He WAS in the army.

I'm loving the T-shirt. I see what you've done there.

-It's Amanda Holden.

-Right. OK...

That's awkward.

Who's better at assault courses? Real-life ex-soldiers like Alex?

Or pretend ones like Trudy?

It's going to be Alex, isn't it?

Alex sets off with a commando roll.

Quickly up and on to the pontoons.

How will Trudy's pretend army approach work out?

Oh! What a place to land!

A quick public safety message. Don't use your face as a brake.

It might break your face.

Real Army Alex on the first Traplonka.

A double Traplonka! What a Traplonka!

Now, Pretend Army Trudy.

Let's pretend that didn't happen.

Alex approaches the Big Red Balls.

He made it to the fourth ball!

To be fair, no army training could prepare you for the Big Balls.

# We're in the army now! #

You're not. Never were.

Seems this Argentinian mud contains hallucinogens.

Can he be the first to make it past the first letter?

That pesky S strikes again!

Can Trudy succeed where all others have failed?

Maybe... No.

I'm seeing a pattern emerging.

Pretend Army Trudy completes the Qualifier

in a reasonable time of:

For real, well done.

But Real Army Alex finishes in a superb:

The fastest so far today.

Watch out. It's slippery up there.

I did warn you.

Where's under-par Joy?

After that battering from the Motivator,

it's a wonder Joy made it to the finish podium.

Let's see how that changes the leader board.

It doesn't. Makes no difference.

All that for NOTHING!

Next is Amy, a 23-year-old PA from Essex.

She'd like to marry a prince and become a princess.

If there are any princes watching...

Roar...

Harry, I'm thinking she's the girl for you. Ha-ha!

The dainty maid begins her quest to defeat the wicked Wipeout course.

That would impress a prince.

That would impress a frog.

-Roar?

-That won't impress anyone.

Back to the fairy tale. She prepares to take on the Big Balls.

Come on, Princess.

Oh, dear.

A royal performance.

Even on the Big Balls, a princess can retain grace, dignity...

No, nothing.

If you've got a case that needs solving, this is your man.

36-year-old Matt, a private investigator.

Please stop that.

-Do you live in Hawaii and drive a Ferrari, like Magnum?

-No.

I live in Abingdon and I drive a Punto.

SHOUTS: My name's Mighty Matt!

I'm gonna munch my way through this course and totally eat it up!

I didn't understand that.

So, how will Abingdon's answer to Tom Selleck fair on the Qualifier?

Looks like Magnum's been eating too many choc ices. Mm, choc ice.

Do you think I've got time to get myself...? No.

There's a newsagent next door.

-I'm going for it.

-DOOR SHUTS

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

Don't film ME. Film him.

Magnum P.I.E. is at the Traplonkas.

The good news is, he hasn't fallen in.

The bad news is he's stuck.

Yeah. Testing the ropes.

The choc ice was great. It's best to temporarily close this case.

Come back to Magnum P.I.E. later. Who is the next contestant?

Ah. Shabba. I thought it said Abba.

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by Abba

I'm a football player. I play every week with the homies.

-You play with the homeless?

-No! The boys. The homies.

-The homies!

Amanda, proving how street she is.

Shabba from Essex is representing the east side.

Now he's representing the wet side!

Time for the Steps Of Terror!

Again, he made that look easy.

But he made that look funny, which is a service.

Shabba's homeless friends will not be pleased.

Are you Mr Loverman? Shabba!

# ..Mr Loverman, Shabba. #

Thank you. Amanda, you can forget me. Don't forget the name.

If Shaggy wants to be remembered, he'll have to make an impression.

Groin punch! No more Mr Loverman!

So far, nobody has cracked the Sucker Punch.

Can Magnum P.I.E. change that?

Can he solve the biggest mystery of them all?

Why did he apply for this show?

Argh!

I had too many red wines last night!

One stake-out too many.

Let's come back to Matt later.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? I haven't the foggiest.

This is Grant, and he likes planes.

And possibly penguins as well.

Will he soar over the Traplonkas?

No.

Weirdly, Grant loves plane-spotting but is terrified of flying.

Clearly rubbish at it as well.

On to the Sucker Punch. Careful.

He's going to be annoyed with that. It sent him flying.

Scared.

Magnum P.I.E. is close to cracking the case of the Big Red Balls.

The Big Balls did it. Case closed.

Can nobody finish this in a hat?

Where did it go wrong? Clue one.

He fell off the Big Balls. I've got nothing else.

Sadly, Matt couldn't complete the Qualifier, but he was a trouper.

He ran the course for the fun of it.

It's not always about the winning or the money.

Consider the honourable reasons that motivate Total Wipeout contestants.

-Money!

-Money!

-Money!

-In it for the money!

Some ARE in it just for the money.

Bus driver Phil wants the money to buy a bigger tie.

This is Tafrina, who needs to buy the rest of her sleeves.

She's also realised she's left the gas on.

Is it just me, or is she clockwork?

Phil approaches the Traplonkas.

Ooh, and he makes it.

No, he doesn't make it.

He won't want to repeat that.

Yeah. He won't want to repeat that.

Come on, Phil. Keep reminding yourself about the money!

£10,000!

Imagine how big a tie you could buy with that!

Tafrina needs to keep on her feet to win that money.

Good start. Doing well.

And that's the first ghost punch of this series.

Phil, risking everything now

and going all-in on the Big Balls.

That money is within his grasp-ish.

He invested far too much in that.

Tafrina has to speed up if she wants that cash.

She hung on! Can she do it again?

This is horse-loving Harriet.

Harriet wants for nothing more

than to ride bareback across wild frontiers.

Just gallop across the hills

and you swoop across it and it's, "Wow! I feel like I'm flying."

Harriet loves jumping.

While awkward in social situations, it is perfect for one thing -

getting over the Swinging Letters Of Sh.

Can Horsey Harriet be today's first contestant

to make it over the Swinging Letters Of Sh?

She might just do this. She could be the one.

This could be it.

I'm going to go ahead and say no.

This is Charlie, a PE teacher, dance instructor and fitness fanatic.

Time for a little boxercise.

Oh, she's fallen in! Sorry. I wasn't looking.

She's doing amazingly well.

She's doing well.

Few people can dodge this beast.

She has done it! Time for a victory dance.

Charlie is the first person to complete the Sucker Punch today.

Charlie's going for it.

Three out of four's not bad.

I hope Charlie's students don't start calling her Miss Bouncey(!)

Time for the Swinging Letters Of Sh.

Many have tried. All have failed. Will she make it?

She's done it!

SCREAMS

Charlie's happy. Amanda's happy.

I'm happy. Charlie's happy. Charlie's happy again.

Amanda's happy again. OK.

SCREAMS

From now on, she shall be known as Charlie, Queen Of Sh.

# Barbie, let's go party. #

Who's next? Ah, great. Some Irish dancing.

I love Michael Flatley and his jiggle dancey thing.

This is actually 25-year-old Jerome, a semi-professional boxer.

What does that mean? Does he wear one glove?

Jerome Flatley heads down the ramp.

He comes from a family of 18 siblings.

Should be used to fighting his own corner.

That was tremendous!

That was just rubbish.

He wants to keep his mouth closed.

That water hasn't been changed in four series.

Don't try and keep me down!

Jerome Flatley is undefeated in his three semi-professional fights.

Can he remain undefeated against Amanda?

-That's a shame.

-Weren't expecting that, were you?

I was.

He's doing well on the Sucker Punch.

A lot at stake for him - his dignity.

But he's made it. This is amazing stuff,

making the Qualifier look absolutely...

impossible, like everybody else.

Jerome takes a tumble on the third.

Just the Letters Of Sh to go.

That also can't keep me down!

-# I get knocked down... #

-Please stop that.

-MUSIC STOPS

-Thank you.

That was below the belt.

Jerome Flatley made it across the Swinging Letters Of Sh,

which would have been more amazing if Charlie hadn't done it.

She didn't do it with a red star shaved into her head.

You beat that course but the Big Red Balls gave you a battering.

Didn't let it faze me. You get knocked down. You get straight back up.

-That's what a true champion does.

-Jerome is in the house.

Doesn't a true champion not get knocked down in the first place?

Anyway, three contestants left.

This is Kat, a clinical nurse from Northampton.

This Kat ALWAYS gets the cream. Miaow!

Y-yeah. Kat seems to think she is a cat.

This is Dave from London. By day, a boring banker. By night...

-SCREECHES

-..a boring banker who makes monkey noises.

I'm gonna make Tarzan look like a little girl.

Dave's an expert at parkour, where you run, jump and fall off things.

Perfect preparation for Total Wipeout.

Close but no cigar.

Come on, Dave.

Just as well, because no-one should force a monkey to smoke.

How will Kat The Cat fare? No "paws" for thought.

The "purr"fect landing.

She's done it. Back to Oo Oo Dave.

And he hasn't quite done it.

-You can do it.

-No, he can't.

Can Kat The Cat do it?

No. Kat The Cat can't.

Ooh, monkey punch!

I thought cats were clean animals.

Proof that cats don't always land on their feet. It was a myth.

Just the Letters Of Sh to go for Oo Oo Dave.

No problem, cos he can do this.

CRASH

Sometimes.

He gets a nudge from the lower half of the S.

I've never said that before, or had cause to.

After all that monkeying around, Dave's almost guaranteed himself

a place in the next round.

More than can be said for Kat. It isn't a bad time.

It won't be enough to qualify.

-Wooo!

-I said WON'T be.

Can I respectfully request

please that there are no more animal themed contestants on the show?

It's SO series three and I'm running out of animal puns.

I don't want to be pigeon holed as the animal guy.

"Pigeon holed" was not a pun.

One more contestant and make him be a normal human being. Please.

MUSIC: "The Birdie Song"

What did I just say?

Get my agent on the phone now!

Thank you.

Hell, Fido? It's Richard.

Watch my cheeky legs run round this course!

I'm transfixed by the underpants.

This is 21-year-old Liam from Leicester.

Liam is a chicken salesman. Let me repeat those words.

Liam is a chicken salesman. Lot of effort per chicken, I'd imagine.

"Try this, madam." Come on, Liam.

-Why do you love chickens so much?

-They've all got different characters.

-Do you eat them?

-Yeah.

All those different characters AND they taste just like chicken.

-Ooh, he's on the second.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, Liam, a chicken salesman could be about to make history.

Hang on. You're nearly there.

Come on, Chicken Leg Liam. Fly like a flightless bird.

If he can dash past the Letters Of Sh, Liam is on for a very fast...

time.

That's unlucky.

But he's done it. Two minutes, on the nose.

Let's have a look at the final leader board.

12 contestants are through to the next round,

all that bit closer to winning £10,000.

Before moving on, let's look back at the defeated who gave their best.

Their bests weren't as good as other people's bests.

That's why they lost.

MUSIC: "Goodbye Stranger" by Supertramp

This magnificent piece of machinery

hasn't been used much since the last series.

Condemned as unsafe by Argentina's government, it was put out to stud.

Under cover of darkness, locals dragged it back to Total Wipeout,

so here it is, cleaned - a bit - and proudly unfixed.

A sprint to the centre over one moving arm,

whilst avoiding the other two.

The first five to make it to the centre head for the next round.

The others head for the losers' bench.

On podiums one and two, it's Charlie, Queen Of Sh...

-Woo! Woo!

-Charlie, sh. Just sh.

-..and Princess Amy.

-I'm doing this for all the girls!

Sexist. On podiums three, four and five, Phil & His Massive Tie...

All aboard! I'm going to the top of the mountain. Beep beep!

-..Oo Oo Dave...

-Parkour to the core.

..and Amazing Grace, being a little dramatic.

'Very dramatic!'

At podium six, it's Horsey Harriet. I mean, gate six.

This is for all you monkeys out there. I love you!

I don't think Oo Oo Dave was listening.

On seven, eight and nine,

-Hatless Martyn...

-Enough silliness. Now it's serious.

-..Real Army Alex...

-Stay low. Move fast!

..and Shabba & His Homies.

Love ya.

Finally, on podium ten, 11 and 12,

it's Jerome Flatley, Chicken Leg Liam...

I ain't no chicken! Brk!

Why are you doing that? And finally, Shrinky Frances.

Who seems to be hanging from something.

Sometimes, in life, you've got to be cruel to be kind.

On Crash Mountain, being kind is sort of irrelevant. It's just cruel.

-Are you all ready?

-EVERYONE: Yeah!

That's irrelevant, too, because I'm ready. Three, two, one.

Who will be the first to...?

Blimey! Phil's straight on it,

under it, off it, back on it.

Hold on, Phil!

Yes! Unbelievable!

Phil & His Massive Tie are both safely atop Crash Mountain.

He made that look easy.

Shabba & His Homies now.

Shabba!

Now he's on the wrong bit! Still on it.

But not for long.

Shabba!

The Queen of Sh-lips.

I'm sure her PE students won't be taking the Mickey(!)

Dave's hanging on. Will his parkour skills save him?

If that's his best parkour, he's rubbish.

Jerome Flatley now, having a snooze?

No, he's awake! He's made it!

Bit close for comfort, Jerome!

Jerome Flatley's through to Dizzy Dummies

and is getting to know Phil & His Massive Tie better.

Probably comforting.

Who's going to be next? Not Liam.

Grace jumps. Dave misses.

Alex tries. It's looking good.

Come on, Alex. Amanda Holden is rooting for you.

Real Army Alex has been sunk.

Frances, that was terrible.

Full of hope. Nowhere near.

Amy next.

That was even worse!

They're just not trying, as Horsey Harriet proves.

That's better, Charlie. Got to get up quicker.

-I can't get up!

-Get on with it!

All your students are watching.

That's another moment her students won't be reminding her of(!)

Charlie's students, please try and forget this moment(!)

Never remind her of that(!)

Dave and Shabba.

Dave's on safe. He's up.

And we have a third Dizzy Dummy, Oo Oo Dave.

-Come on!

-Just two to go. Will it be...

Charlie, Queen Of Sh, Princess Amy, Amazing Grace, Real Army Alex,

Chicken Leg Liam, Hatless Martyn, Horsey Harriet,

Shabba & His Homies or Shrinky Frances, who's still holding on to the sky?

Alex now runs straight into the arm.

I wonder if he still loves Amanda.

Amazing Grace.

By the grace of God, run, woman! Run!

Yes, yes! No, no.

Almost grabs Phil's hand. If only he had a big tie he could throw her.

Harriet shows Alex how it's done.

Can Horsey Harriet make it?

"Neigh!"

If you slow it down, her scream actually sounds like this.

HORSE WHINNIES

She made that noise for real.

Charlie, will she get her timing right?

She'd better get up. It's getting awkward.

She's done it! No. Yes...

No, she hasn't. Phil's holding on tight. Will she make it?

With a little help. Yes!

Heroic catch from Phil for Charlie, Queen Of Sh. That makes four.

We need five.

There's just one place left, people.

Amanda's ahead of me with the maths.

Shabba's out. As is Grace.

More haste, less speed. Actually, speed makes it funnier.

More speed, less haste. More falling, please.

Thank you, Princess Amy.

Harriet.

She would have gotten away with it

if it wasn't for that pesky mechanical arm.

Shabba & His Homies.

He's home and dry!

-Home and soaking wet, but home.

-Shabba!

So, Phil, David, Jerome, Charlie and Shabba & His Homies are through.

And getting on very well up there.

They should stop that now.

Those five lucky contestants make it through to the next round,

the stomach-churning Dizzy Dummies - probably twice.

Drained, cold and soaked through, they might even get to do battle

with the gruelling, nightmarish Wipeout Zone.

For the seven unlucky contestants who didn't conquer Crash Mountain,

a hot shower, a warm cup of tea and a nice sit down.

Yeah. They're definitely the unlucky ones.

I am absolutely devastated.

I tried and then I got knocked off.

I got, like, half... just on the round bit.

I tried my best.

I wish I was a bit quicker.

The most terrifying experience of my life.

I have no memory. It was crazy.

A Freudian slip? More of a Freudian crash.

And a plop in the water.

Me chicken's going to be really upset.

Probably won't eat tomatoes again.

All five competitors get spun round for 40 seconds,

or until something breaks.

They set off through the rotating Swiss Cheese,

before tackling the Slippery Slots.

The last person is eliminated.

The remaining four do the whole dizzy dash again,

dodging the sweeping arm of Mushroom Madness,

whilst being pelting by los tossers de bollas.

The first three qualify for the Wipeout Zone.

Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear.

One step, two step, throw up over there!

He-he. It's Dizzy Dummies! Are you all ready?

-Yay.

-Woo!

-Silence is golden.

Let's spin 'em. Three, two, one!

They're on their way, but who is "they"?

Oo Oo Dave, the parkour-loving banker from London.

Shabba & His Homies, not loving the Dizzy Dummy, it would seem.

Doing it for the girls is Charlie, Queen Of Sh.

Jerome Flatley - keep your eye on him. He might win.

He might not, as well.

Finally, Phil & His Massive Tie.

Without his massive tie, he's just called Phil.

It's time for this chap to crack out a fire hose. That's Jose.

And then they'll break out "hose b".

Jerome's taking his time finding his feet.

Dave's off the rotating bit.

He's on to the Slippery Slots.

Everyone else is piling up behind him, but Dave's through.

He must stay out of the water.

Typical banker. Bulldozes in. Causes a crash.

Dave will have to swim back to the Slippery Slots.

Who's behind the round window?

Big Ted? Little Ted? Jemima?

Humpty? No.

I see! THAT window!

-That's Jerome Flatley.

-Jerome, you're nearly there!

One jump and he's through to the next round of Dizzy Dummies.

Yes!

He hasn't fallen in once.

Oo Oo Dave's second attempt and he's at the back of the pack.

No-one going for the lower Slippery Slot.

Shabba on to the final jump. Dave coming behind fast.

He's lapped Charlie, Queen Of Sh.

Shabba & His Homies are home. Probably time for some singing.

-# Mr Loverman, Shabba! #

-If you call that singing.

Three competitors to finish. One will be eliminated.

Phil jumps, and he's across.

Can Dave follow suit?

He's done it, which means Charlie, Queen Of Sh is out.

-My hopes of having a chick in the final have been dashed.

-I know.

I hesitated. I should have gone for it.

-I tried my best.

-You did it for the girls.

-Tried to, anyway.

Hard luck. Go join the others. See you later, Charlie. Bye.

The producers have given me my own Total Wipeout wall planner

so I can tick things off as we go.

That's Dizzy Dummies round one.

Which means, it's now time for...

Um...Dizzy Dummies, round two.

Someone's just earned himself a custard cream.

# Someone is waiting just for you #

SCREAMING

# Spinning wheel, spinning true #

SCREAMING

Dizzy Dummies, take two, and Shabba's looking a little unwell.

Oo Oo Dave's the first to the Swiss Cheese.

Shabba's close behind him.

Tonight's ball throwers - three brothers with 30 years' experience

of Argentina's violent offenders' institutions.

He's a banker. He's used to having things thrown at him.

Probably less used to THAT!

Dave takes a double whammy - knee caps then head.

A swim back to the start for Dave.

Shabba remonstrates with the ball throwers.

-Mr Loverman took one to the head.

-A loverman not a fighterman.

Jerome's not happy with the ball frequency, either.

I'm disappointed. I said he might or might not win.

Has Wipeout finally created an obstacle that's too hard?

Phil minus his massive tie doesn't think so.

-There's something in them blue shorts.

-Probably.

Let's hope it's not his passport.

The other three, understandably, looking nervous.

Dave, do some of that parkour.

I LOVE this new game!

Dave takes one for the team.

Shabba's next in line. Has he learned anything? Technique?

He's studied. Now is the time to apply it.

He did precisely the same thing, but that was close.

As close as you can get without actually making it.

Jerome, has he learned from the previous three guys' attempts?

He has made it! How did he do that?

An ecstatic Jerome Flatley is through to the Wipeout Zone.

Amazing scenes here at Total Wipeout.

Will Phil be joining him?

No. Sorry, Phil.

Dave, champing at the bit.

Choosing his time to go.

Does exactly what Phil did!

It looks padded, but I suspect that beam has the consistency

of a newly felled tree trunk - oak, probably.

Come on, Shabba. Nail this obstacle.

That was an astounding run. Shabba did it with ease.

Just one place remains.

Will it be Oo Oo Dave or Phil & His Massive Tie?

An ambitious jump. Entirely the wrong direction.

Come on, Dave. Focus.

Dave's done it, leaving Phil with a couple of balls for company.

-You almost did it!

-The first time, I thought I was in.

Me face got in the way when I jumped on.

-Can you get rid of that? That's lost you ten grand.

-It's caused problems all me life.

That has taken it right out of me. Let me calm down a bit.

Bit better.

Yeah. Almost there.

Mm.

Now I'm fully recharged! Roll VT.

A shaky start. I wasn't happy with it.

I never thought I'd get to the Wipeout Zone.

I'll treat this like it's a fight for a title.

Jerome has beaten me in every round.

He's been bouncing round like he's on springs.

-He's gonna fall on the last hurdle.

-Shabba is a wicked guy.

-He's been quick.

-People say I'm a bit dull.

He's the dark horse.

A boxer and a parkour master.

Boxing comes out on top.

DAVE: It's obstacles in the way.

- That's what parkour's about. - He doesn't stand a chance.

Winning would make people think Shabba is serious now.

- I haven't thought about the money. - I'd be able to help my mum.

I want to bring that cup home.

With the homies, it's always about them, not me.

I'm always the last one left out.

Hopefully, I'm gonna show my true colours.

I'm gonna win it.

I want to smash this course up, rip it up.

I'm 100% confident I'm gonna win.

If the other two injure themselves prior to the start.

The Qualifier, Crash Mountain and Dizzy Dummies have been and gone.

There are only two more things left in this competition.

Those two things are...

the Wipeout Zone

and my introduction to the Wipeout Zone.

Next, it's the Wipeout Zone.

Did I name check the Wipeout Zone?

Today's Wipeout Zone consists of

a swift slide down down the Killer Surf,

a scorching scramble up the Rapid Climb to avoid the giant tidal wave,

a stable stagger across the all-new Seesaw Of Truth,

a sprint through the Crazy Sweeper, a swim across the Scary Gap,

a solid settle on the Turntable and a skip to the finishing podium.

The fastest contender wins £10,000.

We've got a bankerman. We've got a boxerman. We've got Mr Loverman.

There's no love lost here. It's the Wipeout Zone.

Shabba is the first to go.

Now or never. Love you.

Shabba might be champion lover,

but will he also become a Total Wipeout champion?

Shabba sets off towards the first obstacle,

the Rapid Climb.

Once Shabba pulls himself onto that ramp, a ten-second countdown begins

and a giant tidal wave will be unleashed.

Where's Shabba?

Get a move on!

Start the clock.

Now Shabba's sliding backwards.

But the clock keeps ticking and Shabba's nowhere near the summit.

Here comes the tidal wave.

Shabba clutches the banister, holding on with great determination.

Just about survives the cascade.

That will slow him down but at least he wasn't swept away.

Shabba can charge up the ramp and be the first to have a go

on the new Wipeout Zone obstacle, the Seesaw of Truth.

A firm footing and good balance are required.

Shabba's across without any problem.

Now, the obstacle that sent many a Wipeout Zoner for a swim,

the Crazy Sweeper.

Amazing! Just made it! Rope swing now.

He's holding on tight,

but he missed the target.

He held on tight enough but Shabba's direction was a bit off.

He's got one last obstacle between him and the finish, the Turntable.

Shabba completes the Wipeout Zone in:

Shabba had to face the tidal wave

but did a tremendous job on the Crazy Sweeper.

-Unbelievable! Do you want to know your time?

-Yes, please.

-You did that in two minutes and 57 seconds.

-2:57?

-Dave's next.

-Let's watch.

-Thank you very much.

Come on! Let's 'ave it!

He's a banker. He's a bit of a monkey.

He's even a free runner.

Can Dave become a Total Wipeout winner?

Shabba couldn't beat the Rapid Climb. Let's see if Oo Oo Dave can.

He must haul himself up through the water fall.

The countdown commences.

Those parkour skills coming in handy.

-He's beaten the wave.

-He's done it!

Next, the seesaw.

He's across.

Now he must face the Crazy Sweeper.

Shabba blazed past this. Will Dave try to do it on one go, too?

He's gone for the duck-and-run approach. Slower but probably safer.

His cautiousness is costing him valuable seconds.

And he's across. So, it's the rope swing.

Shabba got his coordinates wrong here.

Easily onto the Turntable.

Oo Oo Dave dives and he's done it!

A very strong time!

Dave steps into the driving seat, having beaten Shabba by a long way.

Over to Amanda.

Dave, you've been banking on a win. You were faster than Shabba.

Shabba, I'm sorry.

This means yours is now the time to beat.

-He's got a few tricks up his sleeve.

-It's going to be tough.

-Very tough.

Let's watch.

It's going to be a knockout.

This is the only man who can beat Dave,

Jerome Flatley.

Out of the ring and into the water.

Jerome begins his bid to snatch that ten grand

from underneath Oo Oo Dave's nose.

OK, Rapid Climb, Jerome clambers up.

Tidal wave in ten seconds.

But he's not even using the banister.

-No-hands Jerome.

-Now, the seesaw.

Jerome's safely across. Now faces the Crazy Sweeper.

Going for the cautious approach, like Dave.

Come on, Jerome Flatley, show us that fancy footwork!

No! He wipes out.

Jerome's shown us how quick he is,

but he couldn't outrun the Crazy Sweeper.

That fall means he needs a flawless run from now on to stand any chance

of beating Oo Oo Dave.

Rope swing. Just ten seconds now.

Great landing. Little bit shaky.

Jerome's fallen on the last jump.

And that is the end of Jerome's title dream.

He never looked comfortable on the Turntable.

He must give it another go. It's got to hurt now.

And Jerome finishes in a time of:

It could have been so different for Jerome.

Time for Amanda to tell them both the news.

Jerome, my man. My heart is in my mouth.

-I can't imagine how you must feel.

-I'm gutted.

I could have done a lot better.

-As a pro boxer, Jerome, you're undefeated.

-Exactly.

Dave, tonight, Jerome has lost his 100% record.

Because you are the Total Wipeout champion!

Hard luck, my man.

Dave, the 26-year-old banker from London just earned himself a £10,000 bonus.

That's a record - the smallest bonus ever earned by a British banker.

Do you like that? Yeah. He likes that.

Join me next time for a bit of this,

some similar bits like this,

and some completely different bits like this.

Until then, from all of us at Total Wipeout, it's goodbye.

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