Episode 6 Unzipped

Unzipped is the show which asks a very important question

to our favourite celebrities - are you normal?

-What does "inappropres" mean?!

-Joining us this week...

Jerry Springer is a 68-year-old talk-show legend

who's been married for 39 years.

According to his Unzipped report, he is scared of confrontation

and has never been drunk.

Example is a 30-year-old singer and rapper from London.

In his Unzipped report, he claims to be a control freak

and prefers his girlfriend more intelligent.

Heidi Range is a 29-year-old Sugababe from Liverpool.

Currently dating, she is a romantic who is obsessed with cleanliness.

Tonight, they'll be facing some hard-hitting questions...

You stole my milk and got me pregnant!

..and letting us intrude into their personal lives.

This is Unzipped.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to Unzipped. This is funny man Russell Kane.

I'm really sorry I was late. Sorry.

And that is oversized disc jockey Greg James.

And this is the show that likes to sit celebrities down

and deal with their "issues".

Armed with the Unzipped Report,

we're set to tackle those issues head-on

and get you some answers.

So, let's meet tonight's very special guests, poised,

primed and ready for action. Please welcome Heidi from the Sugababes,

Example and the legend that is Jerry Springer!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

America.

AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

-Awww! Thanks for making me feel at home.

-We instantly had a fight.

-That was nice.

-Greg would have lost, I'm a ninja. It doesn't matter.

-Moving on.

-Welcome to Unzipped. Are you feeling happy?

I'm so excited.

Jerry Springer, Jerry effing Springer is in the house.

That's my middle initial.

Jerry, here on Unzipped, we like to celebrate

everything that's weird and unusual.

In your career, have you ever come across anything unusual?

I never see any...

Actually, what is amazing in this show is that I have never seen

so many teeth.

Really? That's the type of thing a serial killer would say.

-"I like your teeth."

-We have more guests than teeth on my show.

You're Elliot tonight, not going to call you Example?

In the presence of Jerry, we should use real names.

OK, Elliot.

-I'm a singer, by the way, and I rap.

-I know that.

-OK, cool.

Have you got any unusual habits you want to get out of the way

before we discover them?

Cutting out labels from my clothes is weird.

-All my clothes have got no labels in.

-That is odd.

Heidi, have you got any w-w-weird things you want to tell us about?

-What's the weirdest thing about you?

-I'm not weird, but I'm kind of OCD.

-I've got a lift in my house and when I...

-Whoa, whoa!

-No, no!

It's not my private left. It's not my private lift!

-How old is your boyfriend?

-I live in a flat. It's the lift in the house.

When I get down to the bottom, I have to put the light on

and then look back in the lift before I leave the house.

-To check no-one's in it with you?

-I don't know why I do,

but if I don't do it, I feel like something bad's going to happen.

-That's pretty odd.

-Is it?

-Yes, it's quite odd.

As Jerry is in the house, we are hoping

he will be up for offering some advice throughout the show.

Luckily, we are joined by a group of people

with more than their fair share of problems - the Unzipped Sample.

More from that dysfunctional rabble later,

but here's what else is heading your way on tonight's Unzipped.

Example and Heidi unzipped -

will the fame-hungry celebrities defeat the fame-starved wannabes?

Find out in this week's Reality Check.

Jerry Springer unzipped -

the Unzipped audience have got problems,

but we know just the man to help.

Celebs Unzipped -

which of these stars can't stand male strippers

and who got sacked from a pub?

This week's Celebrity Confessions are on their way.

All that is on its way, but not before we share some quality time

with tonight's celebrity guests.

Heidi and Elliot, you must have watched Jerry for many years.

-Are you a fan of this chap?

-Yeah, massive fan.

Oh, don't watch the show. It's not healthy.

I actually went to HMV and bought a VHS of Jerry Springer.

-Oh, you mean the Too Hot For TV tape?

-Too Hot For TV.

-I have three or four of them.

-You are a lonely man.

I was. I was.

I've got some Jerry facts.

Just in case people don't know exactly how amazing

his career has been.

You moved to America when you are five, but you were born in London...

-Yes.

-..on the platform of a tube station.

-Yes, that's true.

I was born at the Highgate train station

because I was born during the war

and the train stations were the bomb shelters

and I was born at 11:45pm.

But there is no plaque on the part of the platform where I was born.

-You would think...

-There should be.

-What about your old man?

-Didn't he stuff animals or something?

-My dad was a vendor.

-He sold stuffed animals and that's how I grew up.

-My dad's a builder.

But he did used to buy stuffed animals. Yeah.

-Your dad kept my dad in business.

-Yeah!

-You might have a Springer original.

-We had one on the mantelpiece.

-What was it?

-I think it was a ferret.

The most important fact is that you have presented

more than 4,000 episodes of The Jerry Springer Show.

-That is literally thousands.

-LAUGHTER

And the show's still running after 22 years. How about that?

CHEERING

The show's stupid.

-It's fun, but it's a stupid show.

-Be careful what you're saying.

We have an amazing example of how stupid you think the show is.

-MAFIA-STYLE ACCENT:

-Stupid.

-Stupid. Give me a bagel.

Are you talking crazy? Let's have the clip already.

You know, I like you. I have a secret.

I was born a man.

You was the fool. you didn't know I was transsexual,

I ain't even castrated. I've only had half of my operation.

You didn't know I had something down there.

-Give me the ... flowers.

-Give you the flowers?

BLEEPING

AUDIENCE: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

However, to be fair, she is pretty fit.

I'm not allowed to know what the show is about.

They hand me the card that you see

and that just says the names of the guests.

But I'm never allowed to know ahead of time what the show is about,

-what their stories are.

-How do they find these people?

We get thousands of calls a week.

So people call up saying, "I'm actually a man

-"and I want to come on the show"?

-Yes.

-I've always wondered that.

I've watched those shows and, surely, the guy was going,

"What show are we going on?" "It's called trannylicious." "What?"

Here is probably the honest answer.

90% of people would never go on that show, myself included.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, no.

-You've been on it 4,000 times.

-Yes.

Several years ago, we came to Britain to do the show.

We did three weeks of shows here, using British people on the show.

Nothing was different except the accent.

You have more transvestites than we do, I think.

I watch a lot of Jeremy Kyle and it's usually like,

"You stole my milk and got me pregnant!"

Your stuff is like, "You cut my dick off!"

-Anyway, Elliot, your...

-I'm not a transvestite.

No, your album is ironically called, after that clip,

-The Evolution Of Man.

-This where we plug my album?

I actually think, because I've not seen the cover of it,

but I think that is a beautiful bit of artwork.

Thank you. Cheers.

Look at it. Is that a picture of you as a kid?

ELLIOT: The PR answer is yes.

-Oh, it's not!

-The real answer is you've been

taking pictures of children.

It was the guy who designed it's kid.

-But I took the picture of the crowd.

-Everybody, link alert.

How would you say you've evolved as a man over the last few years?

-I've grown up a bit. I'm still a bit of a dickhead.

-We know that.

What do you mean? I'm all settled down now, I'm quite sensible.

Heidi, you've been in the Sugababes since you were 18.

-Yes.

-And how have you changed over that period of time?

I'm really lucky because it's been 11 years now, so...

There's been a few changes over the years.

-We think you're in charge of the Sugababes.

-Are you the alpha female?

I might go in, put a little strut on and be like,

-"I'm in charge."

-How many Sugababes have there been? Six or seven?

I've got to count on my... Siobhan, Mutya, Keisha,

-me, Amelle. Six, yeah.

-Are you two different groups now?

-Because the original guys are coming back.

-The originals have reformed.

-What are they called?

-The Sourbabes.

So, Jerry, you've done 200 episodes of the Jerry Springer show

-per year. 20 years. That's hundreds.

-That is hundreds.

It's quite a controversial show. Have you had any personal threats?

"I'm going to kill you for making me humiliated on your show like that!"?

We're not trying to hurt anybody, so when you come on our show,

first you volunteer and then you're given a list.

This is true, you are given a list of 21 possible surprises

and you have to check your approval

to all 21 before you can be on the show.

So, if there is something like...

If I'm going to find out that my girlfriend is really a guy,

I don't want to be on the show. That's fine and then you're not on.

You don't know which of the 21 it'll be, but you know it'll to be one.

Shittest menu of your life, isn't it? "Oh, my mum's a serial killer."

Imagine this being on a list. "I married a horse."

We had done a bunch of shows where there was all this fighting,

so I come out one day and I say, we've had enough fighting.

-Today, we're going to have a romance.

-Bring in the horse!

We're going to have a love story. We start out, here's Bob.

And Bob is sitting on a chair on the stage.

-Is Bob the horse or the person?

-Bob is the person!

So I say, "Bob, what's going on?" He says, "Well, my wife.

"I'm really upset with my wife." "Why, does she cause problems?"

"Does she fight?" "No, she's nice, we get along great."

A couple of questions like that and then I look at the card,

because I just have names, and I said, "Let's bring out Pixel."

All of a sudden, out comes this horse!

Pixel. But here's what was really weird,

as opposed to what I've just talked about.

Every time I stood between Pixel and Bob,

Pixel pushed me out of the way.

There was really a sick eye contact.

We had a similar scandal here when Charles married Camilla.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That is an inspiring story.

I have got to be honest, it's inspired me to finally

do the decent thing with someone who is very close to me.

I'm afraid it's not you, Greg.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw.

Colin, come on.

APPLAUSE

This is Colin, my dog.

-I actually do want to marry Colin.

-Is it a boy.

Yeah, he's a boy, but no need to be homophobic, Elliot.

Oh, look at the veil.

-Hey, Russell, you may now kiss the bride.

-Why thank you.

Colin...

WEDDING MARCH PLAYS

Come on, Colin. Go back to the dressing room.

Help me out here, you just kissed the dog on the lips.

-I'm from Essex, that's standard practice.

-That's right.

-OK.

I think we're ready to get serious

and see how you three compare to the rest of the country.

So, Elliot John Gleave,

Heidi India Range and Gerald Norman Springer.

We need a question answered right here, right now. Are you normal?

So, Elliot, you first.

Would you rather be a stand-up comic or a radio DJ?

Answer carefully here.

I have tried both, but I prefer stand-up.

Radio DJ, not knocking it, it's the same stuff every day.

Don't knock it, I'll knock you out.

When I did stand-up, I think I performed to 500 people.

I did 13 minutes.

13 minutes of chatting rubbish on stage on a line-up

with people like Harry Hill, Phill Jupitus...

-That must be nerve-wracking.

-It was really nerve wracking.

The audience didn't even know it was my second ever gig.

Having played at V Festival to 60-70,000 people,

the buzz was bigger at the stand-up.

Being a stand-up you get praise from people you respect.

me just read out this one from @example on Twitter.

It says, "About to watch @russellkane at Hammersmith Apollo.

"Talented guy, one of our country's best."

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Hang on, "About to watch @russellkane at Hammersmith Apollo. Talented guy,

"one of our country's best above-average comedians in eyeliner."

-I think that's fair enough.

-Who wants to be below average?

The joke's still on you.

If I wasn't doing "the same thing, ha ha ha, every day..."

Ha ha ha.

When do I do "ha ha ha ha"?

-Just did one.

-Got you.

If you weren't doing the same thing every day,

I would want to be a pop star and I would want to be you.

It's true. I have heard him say it.

Kickstarts for me, that is the one.

MUSIC: "Kickstarts" by Example

There it is. Iconic video.

Mirrors.

Changing costumes all the time.

Fit birds, nice house, getting off with girls in tents and stuff.

Getting a couple of boys in tents there.

This needs to be dropped after a Jager bomb on the dance floor.

I like how you made that girl wear an Example T-shirt.

She didn't have a choice, did she?

I'm very similar,

I like girls to have sex with me wearing a mask of myself.

-I've done my own version of your video.

-Remix alert.

# And the love kick-starts again

# Starts again

# Kick, kick-starts again... #

RAPS: It's the same old you The same old me

You get bored and I get cold feet

Get high, get wandering eyes

Forget I've never ever had it so sweet

I realise what I've got when I'm out of town

Because deep down you're my girl in the golden crown

My princess and I don't want to let you down.

# Kick, kick-starts again

# Start to think it could be fizzling out

# Kind of shocked me cos I never really had any doubts

# Look into your eyes, imagine life without you

# And the love kick-starts again... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And...

You can have that. That is for you.

Is this a joke that I'm not aware of.

-I get it, Calvin Kleins, right, pants?

-Harris.

-Oh, shit.

Thanks for that, cheers.

Before we forget, we were working out whether you were normal or not.

You said you wanted to be a stand-up comedian

which is, of course, normal.

55 % of men said they'd rather be a stand-up comic.

Fair play.

Heidi, what best describes your emotional state right now.

I will give you some options.

Happy, unhappy, excited, worried or angry?

Happy.

Happy in life, you're in a good place at the moment, babes?

Yeah, everything.

Happy with work, happy with my friends, with my dogs, everything.

-You got a fella.

-I have, he's in the audience somewhere.

He's probably going to go really red.

Jerry was trying to make a move!

What are your plans are outside the Sugababes?

I want to go into West End, I want to do a musical.

With the right musical.

-My ideal role would be Eponine in Les Mis.

-Mine too (!)

-Tell us about your new fella.

-He's a property developer.

You're dating someone not in showbiz? Are you finding that nicer?

Yeah, it's nice because you talk about different things.

Does he mind you being oogled by men because you're in a girl band?

-Oogled?

-Go on, do an oogle.

Oogle is where you...

Oh! That's horrible. That's just a perv.

59 % of women describe themselves as happy,

so you are normal.

The other 41 % are telling the truth.

-Jerry?

-Yes.

Have you ever punched someone in a fight?

No, I've never been in a physical fight, even as a kid.

You're surrounded by fighting on that show.

I'm pretty much a wimp

so I'm back in the audience when they start fighting.

So when the, "Jerry, Jerry!"

everyone's egging you on, but you actually glide up the stairs.

We've got a great example of a fight on your show.

I think we should look.

This is from an episode called, I'll Fight You For Your Fiance.

Here he is, here's James.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

AUDIENCE BOOS

I didn't know how to tell you.

I love you, I don't care. I'll forgive you.

-JERRY:

-We'll be back.

Yeah!

We bring people together.

I've got a bit of a past...

I love you.

Example, sorry, Elliot, I know for a fact you've been in a fight

with a couple of your brothers, with Plan B and Professor Green.

-Or Pro Green.

-ELLIOT: I didn't fight them.

We happened to be out together.

What kind of an idiot picks on those three?

Someone said something to Plan B, their mates looked at me

-and Pro...

-It wasn't Plan A, was it, who said it?

Fighting is wrong, but we won that one.

We asked if you'd ever punched someone in a fight and you said no.

That's not normal.

70 % of men have punched someone in a fight.

I would have even thought larger.

OK, Elliot, have you ever woken up not knowing where you are?

Look at that face, it just says, yes.

I was at Glastonbury about four or five years ago

and I had a few drinks, watched some gigs and was walking back

to my tent and I found my tent and got in it and fell asleep.

Then woke up next to a man and his girlfriend that I didn't know.

Everyone buys the same tent from Millets,

so the guy was just like, "You've made a mistake here, mate.

"You've ten seconds to get out, all right?" And I got out.

Heidi, any drunken antics you want to tell us about?

The one thing I can't drink is white wine.

I don't know if the other girls in the audience...

-What is it with girls and white wine?

-It doesn't agree with women.

My mum's not allowed to drink white wine at any family occasion.

She kicks off, basically, if she drinks white wine.

Especially now I have just started dating someone,

I'm staying away from the white wine before I scare him off.

Elliot, you said yes you have woken up not knowing where you are.

-That's not normal.

-Really?

Only 47 % of men have woken up not knowing where they are.

The majority wake up, realise everything is the same

and cry all the way to work.

So, that is the end of your normality questions.

Thank you for being so honest and truthful, Jerry, Heidi and Elliot.

APPLAUSE

The Unzipped Sample will be using those answers later

when they decide which of you guys is the least normal.

Let's see how you like it, Jerry.

Don't forget you can check out your own normality

on the unzipped website after the show.

This week we're asking how romantic are you. Get off.

-Want to know more about the real you but can't afford a shrink?

-Fear not.

Simply unzip yourself online and find out what you're really like.

Keep results secret or share them with the world, that is your choice.

Find out how you compare to me, Russell and our celebrity guests

and explore a different aspect of your personality each week.

This week learn how romantic you are.

Just answer some extremely personal questions and all will be revealed.

Go to:

Still to come on tonight's show,

we'll be searching for scandal amongst the Unzipped Sample.

But before that, it's time to find out whether

despite their fame and fortune,

Heidi and Example are still keeping it real.

And during this game we'd like Jerry to offer his wisdom

as we'll be tackling the sort of topics

we're sure you're very familiar with. Is that OK, Jerry?

That will be fine.

So, in that case, follow us because it's time to play the Reality Check.

Let's go.

It's time to meet Heidi and Elliot's opponents,

representing the normal people of Britain,

give it up for Nada and Aleks.

# Here come the girls... #

-How do you know each other?

-We are best friends.

Yeah, hearing that.

What do you look for in a man apart from sense of humour,

five foot ten, that sort of thing?

Um... BOTH: Style.

-What? What do you mean by style?

-We love boys that know their stuff.

Yes, I'm hearing that.

Yeah, so...

Heidi, what is the most extravagant purchase you've ever made?

Probably my dog.

-A dog?

-She was the most expensive.

-What type of dog do you have?

-The same as yours.

-So you've got a pug as well?!

-Yes.

-What's she called?

-Betty.

-Do you reckon Betty and Colin would get it on?

-I think so.

How depressing would it be

if my dog had sex before the end of the series and I didn't?!

This week's star prizes are some very special works of art

which we've not been allowed to see.

I don't want to see them either!

Here's the first one.

DRAMATIC CHORD

WOLF-WHISTLES

-I dread...

-Is that supposed to be me?

Why is it so much shorter, the peak on...

It's already horrible and humiliating.

So you could win Greg's statue,

but that of course comes as part of a set of two.

I do hope mine doesn't fall off and smash as I'm doing this.

DRAMATIC CHORD

My leaf's jutting out as well!

Let's hit the lights!

Good. First question...

Would the majority of British men tell anyone

if they caught one of their parents having an affair? Yes or no.

-Jerry, you've done your show in the UK and the USA.

-Yes.

-Which country do you think has the worst cheaters?

-Probably Americans.

Because it's so cold, we can't be bothered to take our clothes off?

"I'd like to have an extramarital affair but it's very chilly!"

A child wouldn't tell one parent they appear on our show.

That's how the other parent finds out.

That's much more emotionally healthy(!)

Heidi and Elliot - "Helliot", as you've been branded for this game.

Helliot - do you think men would tell anyone

if their parents were having an affair?

You went with Yes. Nada and Aleks - "Daleks"...

You've gone with No. Why?

Because... I think they'd be too pussy to.

They'd be "too pussy to".

Just to be clear on that answer - "Nah - they'd be too pussy to."

52% of men would not say anything

if they knew one of their parents was secretly having an affair,

which means Nada and Aleks win. Well done.

According to the Unzipped Report,

42% of British women said men were bad at what?

Was it sex, being faithful,

or connecting on any sort of basic human level

with any emotion whatsoever?

What do you reckon?

OK, Heidi and Elliot. "Hexample."

What do you think? You think Sex.

Daleks. What have you got?

I would say Faithful. Being faithful.

I can now reveal that 42% of British women

think that men are bad at sex.

That means Hexample wins the round.

Cheering loud in the studio

and I imagine in the lounges of the land, cos it means

over 13 million women in the UK

think men are bad at sex.

Do you think men are bad at sex?

We couldn't tell you. Everyone needs a helping hand, you know...

Does it make a difference if a man's doing a traditional English,

or if he does soul hips like that?

A lot of men are going to be shocked.

There won't be many men going, "Yes, I'm definitely bad at sex."

They're all in denial. 13 million of them must be.

They're more interested in style though, aren't they?

What are you trying to say?

You said you're interested in style. So you're basically like,

"He was rubbish at banging me, but he had some nice jeans."

Jerry, Jerry!

Heidi, what do you think? Are men bad at sex?

Be very careful what you say next.

In my tiny experience... no, they are, yes.

-Not bad...really good!

-LAUGHTER

That came out really wrong. They're absolutely amazing.

Next question. According to the Unzipped Report,

36% of women wouldn't have a problem sleeping with a friend's ex.

But what percentage for men? Write down your answers.

Celebs, time's up.

They've got 54%. Nada and Aleks...

-What have you written and why? 75% of men...

-75% of men.

Men are dogs. They don't care.

It's the truth!

WHOOPING

In a nice way...

We've already discovered that dogs are quite cute in this episode.

I can now reveal - annoyingly -

that 70% of men

said they would be happy to sleep with a friend's ex.

Elliot, you're really close with "Pro B" and "Plan Green".

LAUGHTER

Would you risk messing around with their exes?

Would you go there? If you were single, of course?

-Nah. There's the simple answer.

-Why?

I don't know the reasons, but I'm not that kind of guy.

WHOOPING

Personally, I don't see a problem with it

as long as your mate never finds out. You know what I mean?

You're such a joker...

-What?

-You ARE joking?

-Greg, you've not done it with one of my ex-girlfriends?

-Yeah.

-Which one?

-Well, you've only had one girlfriend, so...

You don't mean... You mean Helen, the one who dumped me

when she got her corneas fixed, that one?

Look - she liked me more than you.

She was six foot three and a half, so me and her were perfect.

When you were going out with her,

it looked like she was going out with a toddler.

-I actually properly hate you for that, Greg.

-Why are you being so...

Don't be... AUDIENCE: Awwww!

By the way - Helen had chlamydia.

I'm er...

Uncle Jerry, I'm struggling,

because I feel like my trust has been broken with Greg. What do I do?

Well, he shouldn't have gone there,

but friendship is more important. So why don't you just hug?

That's a good suggestion.

LAUGHTER

-Hug Greg, not me.

-All right, but I think he was bang out of order!

-Hey.

-I'm sorry, Greg!

-TAKE THAT:

-# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it

# I just want you back for good... #

-BOTH:

-Thanks, Jerry!

And, that was the final question, and at the end of the game

we can reveal that the team most in touch with the British public is...

Which means you get your hands on today's star prizes.

Congratulations to you. Still to come tonight,

Jerry will be getting up close and personal with the Unzipped Sample,

but first here's some information about British relationships

that even Jerry might find disturbing.

'Jerry is used to dealing with issues in the US of A.'

'Maybe Jerry's Final Thought would just be...'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We'll be playing Celebs Unzipped very soon and enlisting Jerry's help

to resolve some personal problems in the Unzipped Sample.

-Jerry?

-Yes.

I am seven months pregnant and I'm still stripping,

-and I stole my 12 year old's boyfriend.

-Yes.

Those are just two of the titles of your shows that you've done.

I thought that was all one show.

-Do you help come up with the titles of them?

-No, that's done afterwards.

As I said, I don't know what the show's going to be about,

and then the producers do that after the show, they give it a title.

Well, the titles are so bewitching to us Brits

that we're going to play a little fun game now. We're going to play

Guess The Missing Word From These Classic Jerry Springer Show Titles.

Elliot and Heidi, you'll be guessing first. OK, first one.

Vampire?

Vampire.

-My Grandma Is A...

-Ex-Sugababe.

A Member of the Ku Klux Klan. That's probably...

-Can you remember what it was, Jerry?

-Ku Klux Gran, that would be.

The correct answer is...

Oh, that was a great one!

Oh, wow!

OK, moving onto the next one.

My...

Goldfish Runs My Life.

Elliot? Any ideas?

What would it be? What would it be? My Drug Dealer Runs My Life.

-Heidi was actually quite close.

-Was it the horse?

-No.

-My Dog Runs My Life?

-My Porcupine?

-< An animal that talks a lot.

-My Pig?

-My Parrot Runs My Life.

-Yes!

-D'you remember that one?

-No.

-What, you just guessed parrot?

Cos you said it talks a lot.

-Ah!

-See, I...

know that.

-You Columboed the shit out of that.

-Right, next one.

-You've done the On Ice thing.

-Yeah, Heidi, you were On Ice.

Yeah, but this isn't me!

In a Jerry Springer show, who is going to be on ice?

It's going to be something like pimps.

Lesbians On Ice! Ohh!

Lesbians On Ice, what happened in Lesbians On Ice?

Does it matter?

Let me just say in defence, there is no defence,

the show is about things

that are outrageous, unacceptable, immoral and wrong,

so every day I know they're going to hand me something that is either

unacceptable, outrageous, immoral or wrong. Isn't that fair?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Speaking of outrageous and wrong,

Jerry, are you up for sharing your experience

with our Unzipped Sample and giving them some advice?

I would love to.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Going to go and find some dilemmas. Who's first then?

Want to go through this way, may be easier?

I'll get the dilemma and you're going to help, OK?

I cannot believe this is happening!

-I can't believe I'm sitting next to you.

-What's your name, love?

-Toni.

Toni, and who's this next to you?

-It's my partner, Carol.

-It's Carol.

-Carol?

-RUSSELL SMIRKS

What happened to your ex Barbara? Tell us about your dilemma, please?

Yeah. He's very unromantic.

One year, Valentine's Day, every girl's getting red roses,

I get yellow flowers cos they're cheaper.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

And then one year, I booked a hotel, Valentine's Night.

He falls asleep watching the X Factor results.

Jerry, help them out, man.

Change your name to Bob.

Should she become Pixel?

The fact of the matter is that you love him the way he is.

But what advice could you give to Carol to be more romantic?

First, grow some hair.

Let your eyebrows grow long, just comb 'em straight back. That works.

If you love her, you know she cares about things like that,

then go out of your way and make sure it's red roses,

make sure you're romantic.

Give her a kiss on the cheek, that's lovely advice. Look at that.

There we go.

-Ah, what a romantic!

-APPLAUSE

A lovely, romantic, violent kiss there.

By the way, mate, loved The Crystal Maze! Best show ever!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Our next person's got a dilemma, he's a show regular, unfortunately.

-OK.

-His name is Tommy.

-Hello!

-Hi Tommy, how are you?

-It's lovely to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-So, what's your dilemma?

D'you know what, Jerry babe? I've got a dilemma in my mind, honestly.

I want to know what made me gay?

-You're gay?

-I am, babe.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What do you think made you gay, Tommy?

I think that your show gave me booby-phobia.

Fear of boobies, boobies means breasts.

Because there's always women with their boobs out!

They're flashing their boobs and arguing, going, "My boobs!"

I'm like, "What is happening?"

I was a little boy then, Jerry! It was bothering me.

So the show title is, Jerry Springer Show Made Me Gay.

-Advice for Tommy.

-How d'you feel?

That's fine. Erm, you're gay.

It's not going to matter what my show does.

They're women with big boobs. I'm like "Whoa! They're like monsters."

Is it too late to turn it round?

It sounds to me, it didn't scare you that much,

cos you can describe every one of 'em.

I think you're bisexual.

-Do you?

-Yes.

-Oh, my God. Newsflash! Are you serious?

Jerry, I think you should kiss the anointed one on his forehead

to end this segment.

Oh, my God.

I love it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Aah!

-Oh, my God...

-I'm gay!

Thank you, Russell Kane and thank you, Jerry Springer!

Jerry! Jerry!

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Amazing.

Let's hope the Unzipped Sample

take on board some of that valuable advice.

Thank you, Jerry. You are the man, man!

Thank you, that was fun to do.

It's time to resolve the biggest dilemma of all,

because the Unzipped Sample need to decide

who is the least normal of tonight's guests.

So, if you think Jerry has issues,

chant if you think he is the weirdest now.

-AUDIENCE STAY SILENT

-Ooh!

LAUGHTER Very obedient, audience, thank you.

He who analyses the weird, is not the weird.

If you think Elliot is a poor - ha-ha-ha - EXAMPLE of normality,

then cheer now.

CHEERING

But, if you think Heidi's behaviour is out of RANGE, then cheer now.

SCATTERED CHEERS

-Oh, it's you. Definitely you! You're weird.

-What have I done?

APPLAUSE

So, I can confirm that this week's strangest celebrity is...

Example. CHEERING

Right, do you know what I think we need right now?

We need someone who might be able to help sum up tonight's show

in a concise, maybe informative manner.

-Jerry, would you give us a Final Thought?

-Let's do one.

-Yes!

CHEERING

Jerry, thank you for agreeing, and if you'd like to go and prepare now.

-Please, take your leave, sire.

-I'll think of something to say.

Celebs Unzipped is still to come, and Heidi and Elliot could be

winning some booze for everyone here tonight.

How about that, ladies and gentlemen?

CHEERING

Before that - and I can now retire after saying this -

it's now over to Mr Jerry Springer

for an Almost-Final Thought on tonight's show.

You know, when they asked me to appear on Unzipped,

I laughed in their faces,

but then I looked beyond the low production values and realised

that this was a show that was trying to make a difference.

So I thought, "Oh, what the heck! What harm could it do?"

So, in hindsight, oh, that was a terrible decision.

You see, I've seen some messed-up stuff in America,

but nothing compares to this.

I've never come across such needy, insecure people.

The lack of talent in this studio is truly depressing.

LAUGHTER

But enough about Greg James and Russell Kane.

Hey, folks, I'm kidding. It's not all bad.

Heidi was lovely and Example gave me a copy of his new album.

Anyway, I wanted to thank Unzipped for this experience.

Some of the things I've seen over the last 40 minutes

will stay with me for ever.

And sadly, there is still five minutes to go.

LAUGHTER

Until next time, take care of yourself and each other.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE CHANT:

-Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

I'm going to give you a very simple formula.

Celebs + right answers = cocktails-squared x everyone!

CHEERING

So, say hello to the Carousel of Celebrity!

-Ah, there it is.

-Nick Grimshaw there.

All the big names - Titchmarsh, Mollie from Saturdays, that guy.

-Who's that?

-And him. And her.

-That's Greg's mum.

-LAUGHTER

There's your mum! LAUGHTER

Greg, my mum is in the audience!

Anyway, Mr Springer, Miss Range and Mr Example, the pressure is on.

Spin that wheel. OK, stop it whenever you like. I'm easy, whatever.

Now.

We asked Emmerdale and Strictly star Lisa Riley

if she had ever been sacked from a job.

Do you think she ever said yes or no? What do you reckon?

-Let's help them out, audience.

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-They said yes.

-Yes.

-Let's find out, Lisa.

I was 15 years old and I was head of puddings - of course I was -

at a local pub, and I did get sacked for nicking all the meringues.

LAUGHTER

-That's correct!

-That is correct.

We got a photo of someone else who really likes puddings as well.

-Let's have a look at that.

-Oh, my God, is that me?

-When did you get that?

-And that is baby Russell.

-That's me!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

I look nice in that one, so that backfired, didn't it?

No, I'm not trying to stitch you up. Let's have a look at another one.

LAUGHTER

I hate you, Mum!

One more?

LAUGHTER

Sod! Oh, my God!

Pretty similar, though, isn't it?

It looks like I'm jaundiced. That's well twisted!

Let's spin the wheel again and get another question. Here we go.

-Oh, my God, how embarrassing!

-Stop.

WHOOPING

OK, it's Olly Murs.

We asked Olly Murs if he'd ever sent anyone

a naked photo of himself. Yes or no? What do you think, audience?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Example?

-It's got to be yes.

-Yes or no?

-I'll have to take your word for it, yeah.

-Yeah.

We're going to go with yes. Let's have a look.

I have sent a few sexy pictures of myself...

WHOOPING

..you know, with my bod out. I don't think it's very attractive.

Probably got deleted straightaway, because it's not very attractive,

but yeah, I have sent a few naughty pictures of me

doing a few Bruce Forsyth's poses. Oh, yeah!

CHEERING

31% of Londoners have sent naked photos of themselves,

which is higher than anywhere else in the UK, especially Scotland,

they just carve a rudimentary picture of themselves out of bark

to signify sexual interest.

Spin the wheel, please. This one for the booze for the whole audience.

Let's get it right. Stop.

Collaborate, listen.

Holly Willoughby. WHOOPING

We asked Holly Willoughby if she thinks male strippers

are a turn on or a turn off. What do you think she said?

-AUDIENCE SHOUT MIXED ANSWERS

-Turn on, turn off, guys? Come on.

-A lot of them saying off.

-Off, off.

-OK, we're going with off.

Male strippers are a turn off.

I would rather go and see female strippers every day of the week.

The male's genitalia just sort of dangles and hangs and swings.

And that is not sexy. Give me boobs any day!

CHEERING

And, thanks to you, everyone in the audience tonight wins a cocktail!

CHEERING

Sadly, we're out of time. That's the dream over for another week.

A big thank you to our guests, Jerry Springer, Heidi Range and Example.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We'll be back next week with Laura Whitmore and Danny Dyer.

But don't forget, until then,

you can see your own personality report on the Unzipped website.

Thank you for watching, and goodbye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE CHANT:

-Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd