Episode 1 James May's Man Lab

Hello and welcome to series three

of the non-award-winning, Man Lab.

Welcome, in fact, to our new Man Lab,

because we were thrown out of the old one.

But, like caravanners, we have brought with us

the comforting trappings of home.

Here is our concrete kitchen and here, our bar.

Over here, we see our amazeballs,

multi-function Swiss Army bicycle

and this, of course, is our home-made pool table.

In this dusty den, we will continue our quest to rid modern man

of his own burgeoning incompetence.

'Hanging from tonight's pendulous tool belt of small triumphs...'

In Compliance is with them...

'We horse about at the Grand National.'

Stupid Sunglasses puts on a massive spurt, he doesn't quite catch up...

He should be in an institution!

'Turn Rory Barker into an absolute rotter.'

You know when you find a Twix on the ground...? It tastes like that.

'And go for a vigorous bike ride - in a broom cupboard.'

Rollercoast... Whaaaaa!

Wow! Whoa!

TOOT-TOOT

But more of all that later on.

Now, just a few weeks ago,

I was sitting here in my new Man Lab office

when the telephone rang, and it was a man from BBC Sports.

And he said, "Would you like to try commentating on the Grand National?"

"No," I said.

The Grand National.

It's the greatest steeplechase on Earth.

600 million people watch globally

and they bet half a billion pounds on the 40 horses taking part.

Thousand pound double - Liverpool and Ballabriggs.

-Rare Bob!

-Shakalakaboomboom!

Because so much is riding on it, second by second,

ruthlessly accurate commentary is vital to the success of the event.

It's a job requiring a brilliant memory,

expertise and nerves of steel.

And that's why it's left to experts.

On the other hand, it might be quite amusing to have a go.

So, in three days' time

I'm going to do the Grand National commentary,

live, on the BBC Red Button,

and online, broadcasting round the world to millions.

'I know bugger all about horses, but fortunately, in an overcast

'field in Somerset, there lives a man who does.'

Apparently, he's so good with horses,

he can recognise them by their faces.

'This is David Pipe,

'world-famous horse trainer and Grand National winner, 2008.

'What better person to educate this equestrian pedestrian?'

So they walk, and if they slack,

it punts them up the arse and they have to get going again?

Correct, yeah.

And do you know what these horses... Can you recognise them?

Yeah, we can, we're with them every day.

That's American Art, there.

-That's Regal County.

-American Art, Regal County...

Weekend Millionaire, he's got a big white face.

My Brother Sylvest,

-Quilinton...

-Why do they have these elaborate names?

-Why aren't they called...?

-And then we're back to American Art.

American Art...

After American Art, it is My Brother David.

-No, that's...

-Regal County.

-Regal County,

American Millionaire. No.

-Weekend Millionaire.

-Weekend Millionaire.

My Brother Sylvester.

-Take Over Sivola.

-Take Over...

-My brother Sylvester.

-Woodlark Island...

Woodlark Island, My Brother Sylvester.

Is it? On Khee...

-On Khee...

-My Brother Sylvester.

-Yes!

'There are 40 horses in this year's National

and unless they all walk round in a circle

'and they're all called My Honkhee Sylvester, I'm a bit stuffed.'

Whose idea was this? This is impossible.

White bit down the middle of the face, Regal County...

-Weekend Millionaire.

-Weekend Millionaire. God...

Fortunately, I don't actually have to be able to remember

the horses' faces. Unfortunately, it's more complicated than that.

Here we have Rory, dressed as a typical jockey.

Now, the boots and the breeches, they are standard,

all the jockeys will wear the same ones, but then,

as we move up the body

of the finely-honed equestrian athlete, we come to the silks.

Now, the colour scheme of the silks represents

the owner of the racehorse, and the cap will match,

unless the owner has several horses in the same race,

in which case, each rider will wear a different cap, in order that

the commentator can distinguish between them.

And then, each horse will have a number on it and then,

one week before the race, the jockeys themselves will be chosen.

But the jockey is the least of our worries.

You don't bet on the jockey, you bet on the horse,

and the commentator talks about the horses, less about the men.

All these colours are here to help him

know what the hell he's looking at and what he's talking about.

And that's about all there is to it.

JAMES LAUGHS

It won't stop.

So, it's a simple matter of memorising 40 sets of silks

and their corresponding numbers.

But the most things I've ever remembered is five,

so it's time for some help.

'Dominic O'Brien has been World Memory Champion eight times.

'He can recall the correct order of 54 packs of playing cards,

'and has at least 12 serious "remembering" faces.

'So, remembering a bunch of midgets on horses should be a doddle.'

I've written down here ten random Grand National winners,

and their odds, from 1900 to 2000.

Mm-hm.

Who won in 1980?

In 1980...

Er, that was a horse called

Ben Nevis.

-Am I right?

-You are.

And I think the odds were 40-1.

You're right!

No, there are no mirrors.

I'm using a very old method, called loci.

It was invented by the Greeks and then the Romans started to use it.

It's the use of places, journeys.

So, typically, I use a golf course.

Every golfer can remember the layout of the golf course,

18 holes and fairways,

so that preserves the order of the information.

So when you gave me a year, or a horse,

I could see that horse positioned along a journey.

And all the information related to that, I translate into images.

'Unfortunately, I don't play golf.

'So there isn't even any information about golf

'on my imaginary golf course, but we can use the hotel garden instead.

'We begin by turning the silks of the first 15 horses

'into what's called associated images.'

OK, so number one, I shall hold it up for the viewers, is Synchronised.

-Yellow and green stripy silks.

-Yes.

Well, what I'm thinking of is synchronised swimmers.

It looks like a swimming pool, with lanes.

So that's how I'm connecting the two.

Ballabriggs is like "bricks",

-and bricks are arranged like that in a Flemish bond.

-Yes.

So Ballabriggs, bricks.

Do you know anybody called Al?

Yes, I do.

-Is he a bit weird? Imagine him as a bit weird.

-That's quite easy.

What's the significance with the round...

Well, he doesn't have any hair, actually,

so his hair is quite smooth.

Put you to the test - in no particular order...

-What is this?

-Midnight Chase.

Who's this?

Er, baldy Weird Al.

-Burton Port.

-Yeah.

Mmm... It's yellow and green again, and they're horizontal hoops.

'Bizarrely, this was actually starting to work.

'But linking silks to names was only half the battle.

'To learn the horses' numbers,

'it was time to put the loci method into practice.'

Start over here, we're going to stop at 15 places.

-So number one, Synchronised...

-This is number one.

Green and yellow. Hoops.

-Is that right?

-You're thinking of synchronised swimming,

so this could be the steps down to a swimming pool.

This is stage number one.

OK, steps, swimming pool.

-Synchronised - hoops, green and yellow, number 1.

-OK.

Stage number two

is this horse, which is...

Er, Billabriggs.

-Or Ballabriggs.

-Ballabriggs.

So we've got some bricks here.

Yeah. Like his green and yellow silks.

Stage number two. Two shoe...

-So imagine kicking a ball onto the bricks.

-Two shoe. Number 2.

-The ball onto the bricks.

-Two shoe, Ballabriggs, green and yellow.

'This sounds like rubbish.'

'Shoes, pool, number two, bricks and hoops, and that's a horse.

'But trust me, it works.'

-Three tree...

-Midnight Chase.

Three tree, and you're noticing...

Ah, yes. Looks like the silks.

The silks in the background.

So it's the tree, and you noticing its midnight.

'This imaginary golf course, which is actually a garden,

'allows me to associate horses' names with their riders' colours.'

'Now, each location is used to conjure up the right number.'

-Is that Neptune Collonges?

-Yes, it is.

It is the bloke with the colon problem.

Oh, there's the water tank. Neptune rising up with his Trident.

Now, 8, what does it make you think of?

Ate... I 'ate having piles.

-Neptune hates having piles.

-Moving on swiftly!

'In practice, all this goes on in the privacy of your own head -

'So you don't sound like Geoffrey Rush in Shine.'

Jewish... Casino...

Roberto Goldback.

Baker's dozen, 13, Highway Star, Deep Purple.

Planet of Sound... Sheriff's colon.

Upside down V6... 9... Alfa Beat.

'Showtime!'

For the moment of truth, James, I'm going to show you a colour

of a horse - I want you to go to it,

-shout the number out and the horse name.

-OK.

-Can I go?

-Go. Off you go.

I know what that is - I shall tell you why I know what that is,

cos it's over here...

It's station number 11, which is the benches,

and they look like an 11,

and also 11 is unleavened bread

because it's the Jewish bloke who runs a casino,

which is why it's got the gold playing cards

and it's Roberto Goldback.

Is correct!

'If you think I'm faking this, like Milli Vanilli or Derren Brown,

'I promise I'm not.

'This hotel garden is being described in a way that its designer

'probably never intended, but I'm not getting a single horse wrong.'

The number is 9, which is the upside-down V6,

because Alfa Beat is the Alfa Romeo V6 engine

and the clover leaf's on the grass

and it's a green stripe, er, green silk, with a gold V on it.

Is correct.

'Hole in one!'

-Well done, James.

-Thank you very much.

-Almost 100%.

-Mr Memory.

I never imagined I'd be able to do that,

because I've always been rubbish at remembering things.

-But that's a technique that anybody can use?

-Yes.

We've literally walked through the horses.

You walk a course, you make an association,

and then you get the number in the pattern.

So, to test the viewers at home...

..what number horse is that and what is it called?

Send your answers to...

Remember to mark your subject line,

"All Right, I Cheated And Rewound The Programme."

'The night before the National, I realise that by memory victory

'is a bit hollow.

'I've loci'd the first 15 horses, but that still leaves

'25 called Sylvester,

'shrouded in brown whinnying mystery...

'with a white bit on its face.

'And talking of unforgettable faces,

'maybe Rory can help.'

I'll put them all up on the board, every single horse.

'Each Grand National commentator

'is required to have what's known as a spotter -

'a second person, who keeps an eye on the proceedings

'and alerts the commentator to anything he might have missed,

'such as the race.

'Rory has just been promoted.'

-You're standing there, you're looking around. Acting a bit foolish.

-OK. I've got my headset on.

And I'll be up here on the board, at all times.

So if I see or hear that they've gone down at a jump,

I'll put a line through it.

Then, once you've mentioned it in your commentary -

"In Compliance has gone down" - then it can go off.

Yeah. See, I like this.

'Of course, this does require Rory to have as good

'a recollection of the 40 horses as I do.'

'Bugger.

'And then, real disaster strikes.'

-The Jewish casino with the Italian bloke in, he's gone.

-Oh, has he?

-And so has...

-Where's he gone?

Well, he's dropped out of it. And so has Apt Approach...

'Tom, the director,

'has just found out that several horses have dropped out of the race.

'The remaining horses have all had their numbers changed to compensate.

'Almost everything I've been remembering up to this point is wrong.'

All I know now with any certainty, following the dropouts

of all the baker's and what have you, is the first ten.

'It's going to be a very long night.'

So, 12...

used to be Black Appalachi.

Which is now 8.

It's like being at the Valley of the Kings, with those Egyptian

signs on the wall, it's just a lot of this and this.

It's just rubbish, and I haven't learned them properly.

And I thought we'd be clever and Rory could push some cards around and I'd just read it off...

In fact, the pace of the thing is so fantastically rapid,

we've barely got time to say the name of a horse before

something else has happened or somebody's fallen off or overtaken.

It is actually going out to millions of people -

I know you think it's on the Red Button,

but it's all over the world, and there could be some

Chinese betting syndicate and they've sold all their bicycles and pooled their money

and put it on...I don't know, Calgary Bay

and I'll say it's won and it hasn't,

and they'll go off and spend it all on drink

and, in actual fact, they're completely broke and homeless and it'll be my fault.

'Coming up... I'm not the only one to have my doubts.'

-You're not going to give the winner, are you?

-No.

You don't know the jockeys, at all?

'No. And that's exactly what I said to the man from BBC Sports in the first place.'

And it's off...!

Now, I'd like to take a moment to talk about pizza.

At once, both the indulgence of Italian royalty

and the sustenance of the peasantry,

it's been with us in one form or another for many hundreds of years.

But now what?

It's turned into a, sort of, last-ditch default foodstuff

for the terminally idle, delivered by a feckless halfwit,

and barely distinguishable from the cardboard box it comes in.

It is an insult to the memory of Queen Margherita, 1851-1926, herself.

We fancy a nice pizza

and, of course, we could ring out for one, but any idiot can ride a moped.

We are going to make one,

and immediately we come across a problem,

because so far in the Man Lab, we have been making do with this

rather feeble electric pie warmer,

and it simply isn't good enough for our purposes,

it won't reach the required temperature.

So, to make our pizza,

first we have to make a pizza oven.

'Pizza has been around since ages.

'Every nation lays claim to inventing it,

'but we know it must be Italian, because all pizzas have Italian names -

'Quattro Formaggi, Margherita, or American Hot.

'So chief engineer Simmy and I have decided to build our pizza oven

'in the style of one found in the ruins of old Pompeii.'

So it's half a sphere, with a doorway at the front.

We're going to make up a steel frame, which is going to be quite high, so you can get a look in.

Then on top of the steel frame, we're going to have some insulation board,

quite thick, about 50-60 mil thick.

So that'll keep the heat away from the frame.

So we'll put those on top.

'It's odd to think that the people in Pompeii were so busy

'cooking with an oven like this, they didn't notice

'there was a massive natural pizza oven nearby, until it was too late.

'But there you go. Right, step one - cement and stack our bricks.'

One clay, one cement, one lime, three-part sand...

'Helping us out is Tony, a Kiwi with three world titles in cement mixing.'

One of our ambitions on Man Lab is to become the first programme

in television history to actually show you paint drying.

But we're going to build you up gradually to that, by showing you cement being mixed first.

'Cor!'

-Come on, then, let's just have a go and see what happens.

-Go on, then.

'We are using what are known as fire bricks, which have a high

'aluminium oxide content, so they don't melt when the oven's on.

'Once we've put down the few bricks that are the corners,

'we can butter up the others with cement

'and then stack them round the edge like dominoes.

'The game - not the pizza.'

I've got a brick fact, actually.

Did you know the actress Whoopi Goldberg

trained as a bricklayer before she became famous in films?

-Didn't know that.

-The only time in history it's been acceptable

to be able to see a builder's buttocks.

LAUGHTER

'Hours later, I realised I actually meant Goldie Hawn,

'which would explain the confused laughter.

'Anyway, let's speed this up a bit.

'We're using a polystyrene mould to shape our arches, much the same way

'the Romans would have built arches with a wooden former.

'Whilst we're waiting for the bricks to set,

'we also decide that our attractive dead-Smurf turquoise walls

'just aren't Mediterranean enough,

'so it's time for a Man Lab makeover.

'Ten hours later and, as the Ancient Romans would have said,

'it's looking pretty ruddy decorus.'

Sim and Tony have continued the brick courses, whilst I've

been off poncing around doing something else,

and it's almost finished -

Tony's going to put the capstone in, then we're going to lag it,

with this, then on top of that

we're going to put some chicken wire to keep it all stable and then we're going to render it,

so then the whole thing will be cementy.

Except, we think, this bit, which we're going to leave exposed, cos we rather like it.

'Admittedly the Romans didn't have this stuff, but then they weren't very good at fire prevention.

'As we've seen.'

It should be capable of producing about 700 or 800 degrees inside,

but you should be able to lean on it casually, for the one

and a half to two minutes it takes your pizza to cook

without burning yourself at all, it will merely be nice

and warm to the touch.

Cats will lie on it,

whilst pizza's being cooked. I've got some of that in my mouth.

'While I choke to death in the corner,

'Tony takes it upon himself to drill the hole in the wall for the flue,

'in completely the wrong place.

'While we try to work out what on earth to do about this,

'Tony is relegated to capstone duty.

'The capstone is the single brick that supports the entire structure,

'just like St Peter's Basilica in Rome,

'but without the tourists, or dead popes.'

-Perfect.

-'Capstone in, and we can continue to make our oven

'look, perversely, like a big igloo.

'And Simmy's even solved our flue pipe problem,

'with the judicious use of a sledgehammer.'

After a great deal of careful analytical work by Simmy

on a computer, he has worked out that the flue needs to be this

rather unusual shape, but trust us, this is the best.

This will work superbly.

'I'm clearly awful at covering things up

'but, thankfully, Simmy is slightly better.

'So we leave it to him to render the outside of the oven,

'while we go out for a pizza.'

Simmy has rendered all of this overnight.

It's absolutely fantastic, and we're ready to light the first fire.

We're doing this properly, by making...

Thank you. ..a small pyramid out of extremely dry newspaper,

and then extremely dry pieces of wood and kindling.

Have a look at this in here.

As any boy or girl scout would tell you,

if you do this properly and keep building up the layers

of the pyramid, you can light a blazing inferno with a single match.

But to be on the safe side, we're going to use Simmy's blowtorch.

Here we go.

We will gradually add more wood.

It will gradually dry out the brick floor

and soot the inside of the thing up, ready for our first pizza, in...

I don't know, about five or six hours' time. Something like that.

Tremendous. Look at that go.

Is the flue working? I think it is.

-SIMMY LAUGHS

-Maybe... Maybe it isn't.

THEY LAUGH

-There we go. It's working now.

-Yeah, look at that draw on there.

Look at the draw on that. It's just rushing up the chimney.

'So, with the flames blazing like the Great Fire of Rome -

'19th July, 64 AD - our pizza oven is nearly complete.

'But as we don't have the Emperor Nero to play the fiddle

'while the fires rage, we need to accompany our oven

'with some other Roman flourish - a mosaic.

'Actually, technically, this is more of a collage,

'but we only had half an hour.'

-I think that'll do it.

-Yeah!

'And so, like Michelangelo, the great artisan, standing

'proudly before the Sistine Chapel, we mounted our pizza de resistance.'

Ooh, some heat coming off here.

I have to say, even though it's a bit...improvised...

that looks rather nice. That's rather touching.

'This is one of man's very first ovens, the genesis of eating,

'taken from the ruins of Pompeii and rebuilt with care -

'and a slightly wonky chimney - in our Man Lab.

'All your fashionable cookery shows might

'bang on about growing your own cress and pulling your own pork,

'but none of them have gone back to basics like this.

'And so, like Michelangelo, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,

'we turn our attention to the pizza.'

Simmy, whose idea this was, who said, "I fancy a pizza,"

about a week and a half ago, has requested the full English pizza.

So we begin with the tomato paste,

which is, sort of, the tomato ketchup in this version.

'We then add some locally-sourced cheese and bacon -

'from the local shop.'

These will cook very nicely because they are, of course, fatty.

Um...

No worry about those burning.

Arrange those artfully around the edge, like so...

Mm-hm?

The pizza door.

The pizza door has caught fire in the oven.

I'm not going to worry about that too much, because, um...

Well, all right, I am.

So, bacon going round there. We need a tiny bit more of that...

SNIGGERING

Here it comes.

Stop laughing, cameraman.

I've never done this before. Now, sausage...

'At this point, some jobsworth tried to get us to stop

'and find a fire extinguisher,

'clearly not understanding the benefit of a wood-burning oven.'

Can help to fuel Simmy's pizza.

'So, with fried egg, sausage, mushroom and a sprig of basil -

'because we saw someone do it on MasterChef...' Here we go.

'..our first Man Lab pizza is ready to cook.'

'Duh...'

That's a slightly elliptical pizza

but I don't think anybody's going to worry about that.

Pizza. Cooking.

'Place on the bottom shelf of your oven for around two minutes

'at about 800 degrees, or gas mark 47.'

That is looking...

sort of pizza-ish to me.

I think that looks quite good.

That is a full English pizza.

'It's been ten days and 238 bricks since Simmy first said,

"You know what? I quite fancy a pizza,"

but our Man Lab Perfect Pompeii Pizza Service is finally ready

for its maiden voyage.

-Did you order a pizza, mate?

-I did, mate, yeah.

Full English?

Full English.

Bit extreme.

There you go.

Look at that!

'It might be slightly elliptical, it might have a burnt bit

'on the edge that Simmy's carefully avoiding and being polite about,

'but that doesn't look half bad.'

Mmm.

-That is not bad. Really?

-Mmm.

-My only criticism?

-Yeah?

-Bit of seasoning.

-Apart from that...

-I'll go and get some.

-Apart from that, James...

-Do you want just black pepper?

Black pepper and salt would be lovely.

'If you'd like to order

from the Man Lab Pizza Delivery Service, please write to us at...

And mark your all e-mails "Grub's Up, Pompeii."

Terms and conditions apply.

Any time you like, mate. I deliver anywhere within a radius of 15 feet.

SIMMY LAUGHS

Now, there are many ways in which a chap can advertise

to the world just how sophisticated he is.

He might become a performer of card tricks or an accomplished lutenist,

a prolific reciter of Thomas Campion, 1567-1620,

a wood carver, a popular soap box orator,

but, sooner or later, he's going to be called to account

in the most exclusive and intimidating social arena known -

wine tasting.

And it doesn't matter how good he is at everything else in the world.

He's going to be judged solely on his ability to say something

inspirational about a robust red, with woody high notes.

We think it's a bit of a bore, quite frankly,

so we were wondering, can you bluff your way in wine tasting?

Or, more to the point, can Rory?

'It's a balmy summer's evening, but some people choose

'to spend it in a basement at a wine-tasting event.

'They include Rory, wearing a cravat

'but otherwise still looking like a child's drawing of a man.'

This is Rory, the BBC's up-and-coming young wine expert.

-Not that young.

-He's going to be one of your competitors.

'We've told the assembled connoisseurs that Rory Barker is

'the next Oz Clarke, the Beaujolais Nouveau of wine appreciation.

'It's not true.

'Outside, in the van blanc, complete with no hair,

'is the real Oz Clarke, and he's in Rory's ear.'

He can hear what we say to him,

through the usual intercom arrangement.

-'Hello, Rory.'

-Mmm.

He can talk to us, but, of course, he has to talk to us in such

a way that the other people there don't really realise that he's

talking to some people in the back of a sweaty van.

-MUMBLES: Yeah.

-You have eight glasses in front of you.

Four of them are red, four of them are white.

'Rory's mission is all about eloquence and observation.

'This is classic blind test.

'All these wines are in front of Rory,

'but they're only labelled Wine 1 to Wine 8.

'We're not looking for hints of aeroplane runway tarmac or

'notes of ladies' bicycle saddles, or any of the other guff

'that Oz usually bangs on about,

'but even without expertise,

'Rory should able to describe to Oz the basics of the taste,

'colour and smell of the liquid he's just put in his witness face.'

Please, do start.

Rory, look at the colour against something white,

like the tablecloth.

'A connoisseur worth his salt should be able to pick up useful

'clues about the age of white wine, simply by looking at it

'against a neutral background.

'The browner the tinge, the more oxidised

'and, therefore, older the vintage.'

Nod your head slightly to say "mmm". Got it? Mmm. Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Now lift it up again, lift it up, lift it up.

Now, holding it at the bottom of the stem, give it a little

circular swirling motion, to make the wine run round the edges.

Bit more vigorous. No, you're doing it side-to-side.

You need more wrist. More wrist.

'Aside from making Rory look like he's having a localised seizure,

'swirling the wine in this way introduces oxygen and releases

'the wine's unique aroma, or smell, as Rory would put it.'

Better, better, yes, well done. OK, a good snort.

Good face.

And now you've got to pull a sort of critical face.

Thoughtful, furrowed brow. A furrowed brow.

A bit over the top, Rory. Bit over the top.

That wasn't bad, the look on the face when he'd done the smelling.

'Time for the tasting.

'The difficulty for a novice will be picking out which distinctive

'tastes are present from a dizzying array of fruits, spices,

'herbs and minerals.'

Oh, no - he's about to taste.

Did it remind you of orchards and grass, or was it sort of stony?

I think it's, you know, sort of, like breathing in an orchard,

-this one, I'd say. Wouldn't you say?

-Yes.

If it's an apple, is it more like a cooking apple

when you've bitten one - more like a stewed apple than an eating apple?

I mean, if it was an apple, I think it's a stewed apple...

Good, right.

If you've got stewed apple and if you've got gooseberries,

it's probably a Sauvignon Blanc. Sauvignon.

I'm happy with that one now.

'So far and, seemingly, so good, but our sommelier is starting

'to attract some unexpected attention.'

I'm determined to beat you.

She's flirting with him!

'Let's pause to remember what wine is for.

'It's a social lubricant, helping inhibition

'and convention to slip away. Why do people really go to wine tastings?

'Why do people go to bars? Do I have to spell it out?'

I think me and you will have a good little competition here.

-He's looking bashful!

-Very fruity, yes, very fruity.

Look at the confidence of her drinking style -

it's hand on the hip, breasts out, head back. She's... She's a drinker.

Yes. Of course.

Does she drink a lot?

Do you drink a lot? That's the important thing.

-Well, don't put it exactly like that!

-Good for you.

'Before Rory's cover is completely blown, we try a change of tack.'

Is there any wine there which doesn't taste of anything very much?

I think four, it lacks the... Strong flavours of the others.

That will be the Pinot Grigio. Famous for being overproduced.

Number four, it's just, you know, it's... It's mass-market.

It's mass-market. It's overproduced.

-I quite like the cockiness there.

-Yeah.

Because he's got to run this. He hasn't got to ask their opinion.

You've got to run it.

'Thankfully, confidence is one thing Rory is not short of.'

Pinot Grigio. Come on now, man. Get your conk in there.

-Get your what? Did you say cock?

-No, conk. Conk in the wine, yeah?

'Rory finally seems to be getting this,

'and as we reach the end of the whites,

-Oz remains bullish.

-He's been pretty good,

though, I think. Most of the time, he's been really good.

He's picked up the stuff very quickly.

Wine number one, Pinot Grigio Villa Romanti.

Oof, it's wrong!

Two, Craggy Range Riesling, 2008.

Wrong!

Three, Mansion House Bay Sauvignon, 2011.

And four, Chablis, from Brocard, 2009.

You were completely wrong!

'It's an utter disaster.

'Oz's naive optimism is simply no match for the biblical incompetence

'of Rory Barker, the plonker of plonk,

'and as the buffs move on to the reds, things just get worse.'

It's possible that Rory has never had to describe

a flavour in his life before.

You know when you find a Twix on the ground?

You don't eat it, do you? You walk past it.

-It tastes like that. I'm confusing you?

-Yeah!

Remember WB Yeats - "Wine comes in at the mouth

"and love comes in at the eye."

Just remember, "Love comes through your wine,

"wine out your eye."

'We've created a monster. We have to try and get this back on track.

'One of these reds is a Chilean Merlot,

'which should have smoky, dusty flavours.'

Is there a hint of dust?

Is there sort of hot dust,

from maybe a village in India in the evening?

Do you know what is?

You know when you go to a village in India? What do you find?

Dust everywhere. Dust balls, left, right and centre.

But he's just saying what I've said.

-That's what I've just got. Dust.

-Dust?

-Dust.

Number seven is dust.

Might as well say, "It is like a boiled egg?"

Is it like a boiled egg, or is it like the dust in India?

Indian dust chocolate on a bonfire. It's about experiences, wine is.

-Have YOU been to India?

-No, I've never been to India. THEY LAUGH

-Let me get...

-'Rory's cover looks to be well and truly blown,

'along with the last splinters of Oz's credibility.

'But just as we're about to bite down on our cyanide pills...'

Look at the wine against the white paper. Look for the edge.

Because if you look against the white paper...

The edge will be browner if it's older, darker and purpler

-if it's newer.

-Look at that edge. It's browner. It's paler.

-It's from an older vintage.

-Can we copy you, then?

You can if you want.

'Finally, Rory is starting to give some opinions that don't sound like

'the random results from a word tombola,

'and the wine buffs have noticed.'

-You know when you drink a stewed cup of tea?

-Hmm.

And what happens to your tongue when you drink a stewed cup of tea?

Tannin is the word you're looking for.

It's sticky, it's dry, it's...tannin.

He's good, isn't he?

'Against all the odds, Rory is genuinely starting to smash this.'

Rory, that swirling is greatly improved. Keep it up, mate.

-Is it smoky or not?

-It's not. It's not smoky. It's plummy.

-More likely to be the Chateauneuf Du Pape.

-Papa Smurf De Pup.

Chateauneuf Du Pape.

-Do you know what? Definitely, definitely.

-Definitely, definitely.

'He might not be faultless,

'but Rory has finally won over the wine lovers.

'Some more than others.'

-Are you ready for the results?

-ALL: Yes.

-'Here we go.'

-Happy?

-Yep.

Well, we'll see.

-Five, Crozes Hermitage, Domaine Marc Sorrel, 2008.

-Yes!

-Six, Arboleda Cabernet Sauvignon, 2008.

-Yes!

Seven, Rust en Vrede Merlot from 2010.

-And finally, number eight, Chateau Du Pape...

-He's got all the reds!

-He's got all the Reds!

-'So there you go -

'simply express yourself creatively on the vital topics of colour,

'aroma and taste, and you too can be a wine ponce.

'Even if you can't talk to girls.'

Something that's always baffled us on Man Lab is the exercise bicycle.

A real bicycle, yes - cycling IS good for you.

If you ride five miles away from your home,

you're going to have to ride five miles to get back again.

If you freewheel gloriously down a long hill,

there is a part of you that knows somewhere deep in your heart

you're going to have to ride back up one again.

But why would you bother with an exercise bicycle?

I mean, if you get bored, you can just stop

and you're already back at home.

So we've come up with one that encourages you to pedal harder,

and it's called the outside-inside-weather

exercise bicycle fitness incentiviser.

Follow me.

HE DINGS BELL

It is, in essence, a white-painted internal room.

The bicycle will go on this simple stand here in a minute

and then I can pedal it like a home exercise bicycle.

The difference is, though, if you look up, you'll see four projectors.

They will play film on the walls.

I will experience a 360-degrees, immersive film experience

that will bring the outside inside.

Rory was responsible for that bit, and here's how he did it.

'First, our crew built him a mobile rig with cameras pointing

'forwards, left, right and backwards.

'Then Rory rode around on a mobility scooter,

'like the world's least ambitious joyrider, filming a sequence

'of ever-more-exciting journeys, that would be revealed to me

'as I pedal. The harder I pedal, the more interesting it becomes.'

So I'm almost ready to go.

The bicycle is linked wirelessly to the video controls, which

Simmy's monitoring outside,

and I'm sure he'll be shouting out some encouragement,

so now I'm going to be say, could we gently dim the lights, please?

Thank you.

What is this? It is the portrait of a blinking idiot,

as Shakespeare would have said. Actually, it's Boris Johnson,

the Mayor of London, a very keen cyclist -

and apparently, the only way I can get rid of his dozy Etonian face

is to start pedalling.

Let's see what happens. Oh.

Oh, that's rather pleasant. I'm in some sort of park by a river.

The fence is going past us. This is incredible.

Isn't it amazing? Look at this jogger.

He goes past, and behind.

-And your bicycle doesn't nicked, you don't get knocked off by a...

-DOG BARKS

Whoa!

My eyes are telling me something different from my ears,

so I keep leaning for the bends, but of course the bike's not moving.

James, faster!

Change of scene coming up.

-How fast am I going? I'm just doing about six miles a...

-HORNS BLARE

Ooh, I'm on a high street or something.

I appear to be cycling on the pavement.

There are some people coming straight for me. Whoa!

Bigger knickers or a smaller arse, missus.

I don't know what this looks like on your two-dimensional

television at home, but in here, it's... It's incredible.

Building up speed now. Ten miles an hour.

I'm in a supermarket! Brightly coloured goods, packet sauces.

There's the deli going past, on the left. Whoa!

I don't know why I keep doing that. Obviously, the bike's not moving.

Pots and buckets, left or right. I don't know. Whoa! Left.

I don't want dodgems!

Can you see this? Look at it!

Whoa! That's Rory!

Rory's in my virtual world. That's hideous!

James, pedal faster!

I've got to go a bit faster. Whoa, what's... Rollercoast...

Waaaah! Waaaah! Waaaah!

Whoa! Whoa!

That is incredibly disconcerting!

I'm going to fall off!

HE SCREAMS

I've had it! I've had it!

Whoa!

I've landed in the sea.

HE LAUGHS

Absolutely fantastic. You don't get that on a normal exercise bicycle.

You just get... You know.

Some tunes on your iPod, watching some reruns of Top Gear or whatever.

It's brilliant!

I hope that looked as good at home as it did in here.

Absolutely brilliant!

But I'm shagged out!

LAUGHTER

'Earlier in the show, I was tricked into being

'a commentator for the world's biggest horse race,

'the Grand National.'

Whose idea was this? This is impossible!

'With the help of a world champion memory expert, I tried to learn,

'fluently, the names, numbers and colours of 40 horses.'

-It's a green silk , with a gold V on it.

-Is correct.

'My aid in the race would be Rory, acting as my back-up spotter.

'It was all rather brilliant, but on the night before the National,

'half the entrants suddenly changed their racing numbers.'

All I know now, with any certainty, following the drop-outs,

is the first ten.

'But never mind.

'Let's carry on as if everything's OK and I know what I'm doing.'

Aintree.

We've all seen it on the television, but here it is for real,

the home of the Grand National, 4.5 miles of mad steeplechase.

The grass, the 30 jumps, the hats, the atmosphere, the money.

This is what I'm going to be commentating on today,

in its 173rd year, sending my words to the four corners of the globe,

even though it's a sphere.

'My guide through this wild arena of hoof

'and silk has been a professional commentator on horseracing

'for over 20 years, legendary broadcaster Lee McKenzie.'

So people say everybody thinks they can have a go at commentating,

but anybody who tries, discovers that, actually,

they run out things to say after about 15 seconds.

I think running out of things to say is better than saying

something that's incorrect, though.

But you could end up with vast eternal stretches of silence,

-cos I'm not really sure about anything.

-Well, look,

this afternoon,

it's far better to have one or two seconds of silence,

just pause for thought, cos it's far better to have two seconds

of silence than to say something and regret it for the rest of your life.

I'm not sure this was actually a good idea, you see.

When we thought of it, which was in a pub, as usual, we thought,

that'd be quite good fun because it's a test of memory,

how well you perform under pressure,

keeping your nerve, keeping your cool, and it sounded good.

But then when you get here, you think, this is the Grand National!

It's the biggest horse race, one of the biggest sporting events, in the world.

And it's watched all over the world. And on the red button service,

there will be a lot of people listening and thinking, "No, no!

-"This man is an idiot!"

-Don't panic. Stay cool.

-I don't expect you to stay as cool as a cucumber.

-No.

But perhaps if you could stay as cool as a slightly warmed-up cucumber...

-Right.

-..that would be perfect.

-From a sort of sunny picnic?

-Yeah.

'Before obscure salad similes had a chance to make this even harder,

'Lee took me up the steps of the grandstand, for a taste of what

'was to come.'

This is the point where you suddenly realise what a huge task

you're taking on.

'What's huge is the course.

'This helicopter has to refuel when it's halfway across.'

They start right down in front of us here,

so that bit's straightforward. You'll be able to see them.

But then as they start to disappear down to the first fence,

and by the time they've got to the first of the 30 fences,

they're already starting to get out of sight.

-Then you will suddenly realise what's hit you.

-Hang on!

-Is that the first one, right over there?

-That's it.

-That's the first fence.

-Can we see... See where the three blocks...

the three... the four blocks of plaques are?

Then there are some trees just in front of that? Then immediately...

Miles away!

Commentators, these days, are constantly darting

-from their binoculars and then to the monitor.

-Yeah.

Binoculars, monitor, depending on which of the two

is going to offer them the best picture.

Well, you need a radio telescope to get a picture of what's

going on over there. It's ridiculous!

'So not only did I now need to remember all

'the swapped-around horses,

'I was going to have to do it

'without being able to see them properly.

'I felt hopelessly under-practised.

'But just then, an opportunity presented itself.'

Sorry, I was slightly distracted by that Egyptian goddess

or whatever she is down there. That's amazing! Look at that!

'It turns out that, quite apart from the racing,

'Aintree has also become something of a fashion mecca.

'The stands are full of sharp suits and fascinating fascinators,

'each one as an individual as any jockey silks.

'And this gives me an idea.'

Turquoise Flower, Turquoise Flower has pulled up slightly,

allowing Pink Dress... Pink Dress has taken the lead very suddenly.

But Turquoise Flower is having a bit of a comeback.

Turquoise, Turquoise Flower is pulling ahead. No!

She's had a slight... There's been a collision.

They've peeled off from the racecourse entirely

and they're heading for the bar.

Stupid Sunglasses puts on a massive spurt.

Stupid Sunglasses, he doesn't quite catch up.

He left that run just a little bit too late.

Another two seconds and that would have been his. Gangster Glasses...

Gangster Glasses is ambling home here,

but he's been passed at the last second by Man In Old Hat.

Rosette Man putting in a fantastic charge at the end.

He's well clear of the pack.

Rosette Man looking positively relaxed as he canters

across the line, as they cross the finishing post here at Aintree.

A magnificent race.

You've got a nice crescendo there, as well.

-Yeah, but you mustn't do that too soon.

-Ah!

Especially at the Grand National, it is 4.5 miles,

and if you've peaked when they come past first time,

that's a heck of a long way home from there.

That's four minutes of getting higher and higher and higher.

That's a lot of shouting, isn't it?

'With my patter perfected,

'and with just moments to go before the off, Rory and I decide to

'scour the grounds for some last-minute words of encouragement.'

I don't envy you, trying to be the sole commentator doing it.

Since they've all dropped out, I only know down as far as number ten.

At the moment, unless one of the top ten win,

-you're not going to give the winner, are you?

-No.

-So who's riding Synchronised?

-Oh, I don't know the jockeys.

-I only know the names.

-You don't know the jockeys, at all?

Get your right hand free. Come on. Top of the head, one. Bottle.

-Hit the nose, two.

-But why are we doing this, though?

-One, one, get on with it!

-Two women ride in the race.

-Yes.

-Who are they?

What do they ride?

Horses.

SHE LAUGHS

That's Burlington Bertie, 100-30. Three and a bit, 100-30.

-I don't know what you're saying!

-Four, five.

We have our flashcards, and he can gesticulate

and he has sign language to say "woman", the Welsh rider because...

-What's his sign language for a woman?

-I can't do that on the telly.

Yes, you can! What's his sign language for a woman?

-It's that?

-Skirt.

-OK. I thought it might be that!

Oh, no. That's a bit too obvious.

Double carpet is 33-1.

-Oh, it's the odds!

-It's the odds!

So if I just go up to the bookies and I just go...

They'll know what I'm talking about?

He'll have you committed, which you should be.

You should be in an institution!

If he manages to inject the drama in it,

and gets the line right, in terms of it's not just telling you what's

past the post first, it's giving the significance of that winner.

Now, you know, obviously, the BBC has a huge reputation,

nation will speak unto nation, not nation will speak bollocks

on the BBC online, going around the world to millions of people?

-Yes, thank you.

-It's all right.

'This is it, then. The 40 horses make their way out.

'In the stands, all eyes are on the course.

'In the press tent, the excitement is palpable.

'As Lee and I climb the final stairs to the commentary booth,

'I frantically run through last night's flashcard revision,

'a thought process only interrupted by, well, how grotty it is in here.'

It's a bit, sort of, Cold War bunker, this.

I was expecting to have, sort of, green velvety carpet

and a drinks glove.

-They never decorate.

-Oh, it's disgusting!

Eww!

They're all in a line along here, BBC television, BBC Radio.

Then the commentary that goes out to the racecourse

and out of the window, and there's your view of the racecourse.

'The view is even worse than before.

'I can barely make out the riders, let alone the silks.

'In front of me, the monitors give the only real view of the action.

'To my left, professional commentators with seasoned spotters.

'To my right, my own spotter looks like a dog who's just been shown

'a card trick.

'Here we go.'

Right, chaps.

Good luck!

-Good luck, Rory.

-Thanks, James.

-Thank you for your help, Lee.

-We'll do our best.

-A pleasure.

-Let's get ready to commentate!

-There's no way back now!

-There isn't, is there? This is for real!

Ohh!

Black Apalachi, Swing Bill...

Cappa Bleu's got a red hat.

Five, four, three, two, one...

And go live!

Hello, and welcome to the 2012 Grand National, live,

here from Aintree on the BBC One red button service

and all around the world on the BBC's Sport Online website.

Your commentating team, Lee McKenzie, me, James May,

and our redoubtable spotter, Rory Barker, just 17 years old,

his first Grand National, as well.

It is the 165th Grand National in its 173-year history.

It was, of course,

interrupted by a couple of rather inconvenient world wars.

And, of course, the horses that are running here today are the

result of years, lifetimes, even, of very, very intense preparation.

Their breeding goes back many generations, hundreds of years,

even, of people who have devoted their lives to producing

the perfect racehorse.

'For some reason,

'waffling on about nonsense seems to be coming quite naturally.'

..a headlong dash for victory, glory, fame, cash,

everything that goes with it.

The horses are assembling.

There's a cheer going out from the grandstand.

You can feel the tension mount.

HE SHOUTS

-That's not a start.

-OK, that's not a start. That's... that's mayhem!

Oh dear!

'It's a false start. The horses are thrown, and so am I.

'I didn't really have anything more prepared to say.'

Umm... I think the ribbon...

Has the ribbon been broken or was it simply moved

out of the way at the last second?

The horses are very, very keen on this, aren't they?

They're very frisky, they're...

'No, that's rubbish.'

..reckons they move up to the tape,

which is being hastily repaired, as we speak.

This is a last-minute repair worthy of our own programme, actually,

going on here. Things are looking very frantic.

They're moving up again. They're moving up again. Oh no!

There's some more... No, the tape has gone again!

That was West End Rocker, one of the favoured horses.

'Now, I'm seriously worried about the race getting underway, at all.

'I've been fretting for so long about me stuffing up,

'I hadn't even considered that the race might.

'But finally...'

Here we go!

Here we go. And it's off!

The greatest race in the world is finally underway.

They shoot off from the start, like a round from a giant

howitzer of horsepower. Look at that! Absolutely magnificent!

A seething, roaring mass of men and equestrian muscle.

And going up at the front we have...

'Can't tell. Can't pause, though.'

Rides over the first fence, like trout.

'Trout?'

Viking Blond is down at the first fence and is out already.

Swing Bill is going into the lead, very slightly.

Of course, it means very little, by this point in the race.

Oh, West End Rocker is down, as well, and out.

Up they go, jumping like salmon.

'I've somehow managed to get stuck on fish metaphors,

'and in my confusion, there's another catastrophic pause.

'Across the country, I can hear the sound of millions of people,

'prising the red button out of their remotes.'

Giles Cross, almost to the left of your picture.

'Spotter Rory makes a valiant attempt to keep things on track.'

..Always Right. State Of Play is fallen and is down.

Chicago Grey, one of the greys, has fallen and is down.

'But then there's an even bigger upset.'

..bringing up the rear.

Always Right again on the right, you'll see... Synchronised is down!

Synchronised is down and out of the 2012 Grand National.

'Synchronised, the race favourite with the swimming pool lanes

'of yellow and green silk, is tragically out.'

And I think... No, Alfa Beat is down now.

They're falling very, very quickly.

'If an underdog from outside, my memorised front runners, takes

'the lead, I could be up Becher's Brook without a paddle.'

Shakalakaboomboom in the lead.

Now, there's a challenge coming up on the outside.

I can't quite make out who it is.

'The pressure is too much. I need help.'

Lee, this is getting very confusing to me,

with a lot of loose horses and a lot of fallers already.

It's been a dramatic race, so far, James.

'It's a disaster. As Lee is forced to step in,

'I know that I've let him down. I've let Rory down.'

'I've even let Dominic, the moustachioed memory man, down.'

Maroon jacket on the right.

'With time ticking away, I do my best to calm my nerves,

'remember my imaginary golf course and get back in the saddle.'

Moving through the field now, in the beige and black jacket,

is Paul Townend with his lucky chance, ride on, On His Own.

Yes, On His Own, with the beige jacket,

the only beige silks in the race, which makes him very easy to spot.

Shakalakaboomboom still doing quite well,

maybe giving it a bit too much, too early.

Hello Bud is very, very close, neck-and-neck almost.

Planet Of Sound is marginally ahead. We'll see at the jump.

It is Planet Of Sound first. Shakalakaboomboom. And we've lost...

'Finally, this is starting to come together.'

'Planet Of Sound, number ten in Dominic's garden, by the gazebo,

'which looks like a rock stadium, with blue-and-white striped silks,

'which look like a compressed soundwave. I can do this!'

According To Pete, you can just see him at the back of shot there,

getting up to his feet. He is clearly OK, but he's definitely out.

Here is the famous Canal Turn, the only jump in racing where you

have to make a turn as you make the jump simultaneously.

That was Weird Al, who went out at the fourth from home,

went out of contention.

'Weird Al, baldly haired, black and grey silks. Easy!'

-..Shakalakaboomboom.

-Back into the stadium

and there's a challenge coming now from Katie Walsh on Seabass.

'Seabass, Katie Walsh, one of the female jockeys,

'red and white silks, number 13.

'Clare Balding will be proud!'

But Seabass and Katie Walsh is putting in a fantastic run here.

Shakalakaboomboom, less than half a length behind.

This is incredibly exciting.

We could be looking at the home run of the first woman to win

the Grand National.

In Compliance is with them, as well, making a late run.

It's still Katie Walsh. It's still Katie Walsh.

'Final straight now, building up the voice, don't peak too early!'

Very, very slightly... On Seabass. And Neptune Collonges...

'Neptune Collonges, yellow silks with red star.

'Neptune's colon, water butt in the garden,

'I ate, having piles, number eight.'

Onto the last straight of the 2012 Grand National.

Neptune Collonges, he's passing Katie Walsh.

It's Sunny... Sunnyhillboy.

Sunnyhillboy and Neptune Collonges, and I couldn't quite see it.

-I'm sorry, Lee.

-It was very close!

I don't think anybody else knows what won either, James. Well done.

What a tremendous finish to the Grand National!

-That was absolutely fantastic.

-You couldn't have had a closer finish.

It is Neptune... Neptune Collonges from Sunnyhillboy, by not even...

not even a nose, half a nostril, I'd say, was that victory!

What a fantastic race after a very, very clumsy and unpromising start.

Absolutely superb!

Over the years, we've seen so many exciting races.

But I don't think we've ever seen one more exciting than that.

James, you must come here more often!

-Mic is dead. Well done, guys.

-Cheers.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Very entertaining!

I haven't...

I mean, I knew that was going to be quite an intense nine

or ten minutes, but that's... It's exhausting!

I mean, I still found it very difficult.

I can remember the silks,

I'll remember those for the rest of my life.

But seeing them in the race, you're dead right.

And as you said, the important thing is,

if you're not sure, don't say anything, which is why there

were some, I'm sorry, quite large gaps in my reporting.

I did say to you a gap is far better than saying something that's wrong.

And you stuck to that. I'm so pleased that you did that.

And I have to say, listening to the race live,

I don't think you got anything wrong.

I hope not. I don't... I don't think I did.

-I have to say, Rory was an absolute star.

-Rory was great, wasn't he?

-That was tremendous, Rory.

-Fantastic! Thank you.

'And so, thanks to spotter Rory, a memory man, a bit of luck

'and a Roman god's colon,

'people watching on the red button across the country everywhere,

'both of them, put down their cups of tea,

'forgot that they lost 50 quid on Shakalakaboomboom,

'turned to each other and, as one, said, "Gosh,

'"he kept reasonably calm under pressure, didn't he?"

'Stupid hair, though.'

Well, that brings us

galloping to the end of another snorting addition of Man Lab.

So now, to play us out, it's the simplest melody in the world

played on, quite possibly, the world's most complicated

musical instruments.

Here's Garima and Lena on the sitar and tambora with Theme From Man Lab.

Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd