Episode 4 James May's Man Lab


Episode 4

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 4. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Hello and welcome to Man Lab, a Transit van of radical thought

0:00:020:00:05

careering out of control down the high street of convention.

0:00:050:00:09

'Bursting from today's man bag of ambition...' Dig for gold!

0:00:270:00:31

'We pillage the south coast in search of buried treasure.' 2008.

0:00:310:00:36

It's remarkable. All those years!

0:00:360:00:38

'Turn our Man Lab railway into a physical junk mail filter.'

0:00:380:00:42

Lower the arm.

0:00:420:00:45

Beautiful. this.

0:00:450:00:46

'And challenge the establishment with Man Lab Pirate FM.'

0:00:460:00:50

To have sold 25,000 copies of a book just about soldering is a remarkable achievement.

0:00:500:00:55

Thank you.

0:00:550:00:57

WHISTLE

0:00:570:00:59

Now... this is St Anthony of Padua.

0:00:590:01:04

And he is the patron saint of things that have gone missing.

0:01:080:01:12

And Catholics and other people who believe in the intercession of dead monks,

0:01:120:01:16

have a little poem that they say to him if they can't find the car keys, for example.

0:01:160:01:21

It goes "Tony, Tony, turn around, something's lost and can't be found".

0:01:210:01:27

But what if something's really missing?

0:01:270:01:29

This is Sandbanks, a small peninsula of paradise on the south coast of Poole Harbour.

0:01:320:01:37

It's one of England's cleanest beaches and boasts the fourth highest land value in the world,

0:01:370:01:43

with houses going in excess of £10 million.

0:01:430:01:46

But amongst all the sunbathers, bad shorts and bloody expensive property,

0:01:460:01:51

there is a sad figure wandering along the beach,

0:01:510:01:54

lost in memories that even a mint choc-chip Feast cannot erase.

0:01:540:01:59

I was sitting somewhere around here making a dimensionally accurate sand model of the Kremlin

0:02:010:02:07

when I heard his baleful cry go up.

0:02:070:02:10

That man is in fact my dad, James May Senior,

0:02:100:02:14

and I remember the moment as if it were 1973... which it was.

0:02:140:02:19

MUSIC: "It Was A Very Good Year" by Frank Sinatra

0:02:190:02:21

The Mays took a May bank holiday holiday to Sandbanks most years,

0:02:210:02:25

but on this one my dad lost his wedding ring.

0:02:250:02:29

-I mean, I was only ten.

-Yes.

-I remember the incident very well,

0:02:310:02:34

but I can't quite work out what you did. You said you shook your hands.

0:02:340:02:39

-Yes, that's as I recall it.

-And you felt it?

0:02:390:02:41

We'd been scrummaging around doing something,

0:02:410:02:44

probably making a castle with a moat round it, or something like that,

0:02:440:02:48

I had sand stuck on my hands and I went like that.

0:02:480:02:52

-Don't do it again!

-Well, that's not going to come off in a hurry.

0:02:520:02:56

-And I felt it go.

-Right.

0:02:560:02:57

Didn't see it, didn't see where it went but felt it go.

0:02:570:03:01

I was a bit too young to appreciate the significance of losing your wedding ring,

0:03:010:03:06

but how did Mum take it?

0:03:060:03:08

She ran back to the bungalow, which was maybe half a mile away,

0:03:080:03:12

-and came back with the deep fat fryer basket, like a deep sieve with a handle.

-Yes!

0:03:120:03:19

-And we could sieve tons of sand through that.

-I'd completely forgotten that bit. Yes.

0:03:190:03:23

-And...

-The fryer basket thing.

-She came back with this and we still didn't find it.

0:03:230:03:28

It is exactly like when you're in the garage and you drop a screw,

0:03:280:03:30

-you've got to find it straight away.

-Otherwise...

0:03:300:03:33

But it is there, it will be there somewhere.

0:03:330:03:35

And that must have been there somewhere but not where you were looking.

0:03:350:03:38

Absolutely true. That's got to be the only truth, we looked where it wasn't.

0:03:380:03:43

As a mere boy, I could only watch helplessly as my parents

0:03:430:03:46

tried to pass most of Dorset through a chip pan.

0:03:460:03:50

Now, as a man, I return better equipped.

0:03:500:03:53

If we're to stand any chance whatsoever of restoring that ring to its rightful finger,

0:03:550:04:00

we're going to have to employ ruthless logic, technology, manpower,

0:04:000:04:05

some fatuously appropriate music,

0:04:050:04:08

and even a little bit of what Professor Brian Cox would call New Age woo-woo.

0:04:080:04:13

But let's start with this man.

0:04:130:04:15

This is Vincent May, he's no relation, he is a geomorphologist.

0:04:150:04:20

-That's right.

-Geomorphologists study how land masses change over time

0:04:200:04:24

and Vincent specialises in this coastal area.

0:04:240:04:27

So if this is a fool's errand, he's the man to say so... now.

0:04:270:04:31

Let's say for argument's sake, I mean Dad and I aren't clear on this,

0:04:310:04:35

but let's say he was down here, quite near the water,

0:04:350:04:38

let's say the ring fell there 40 years ago.

0:04:380:04:43

How far could it have moved?

0:04:430:04:44

It might have moved, if it was on the surface, something like 450 feet in a year. Along the surface.

0:04:440:04:50

-A year?

-Yes.

0:04:500:04:52

-But it was 40 years ago.

-Yeah.

-So that's miles?

-Yes.

0:04:520:04:55

But it could equally have just got buried,

0:04:550:04:59

and that's what's happening here at the moment.

0:04:590:05:01

If you, if you watch the pebbles down here, you can see that as the wave is washing in,

0:05:010:05:05

you can see sand in suspension. And if we watch this wave here, it's pushing material up the beach.

0:05:050:05:11

If the ring were sitting down there, it could get dragged down,

0:05:110:05:16

but it could equally very quickly get buried.

0:05:160:05:19

-In some ways I'm encouraged by that, because...

-Yes.

0:05:190:05:23

..it could be pretty much where it fell,

0:05:230:05:26

wherever that is, we don't know. It could be there.

0:05:260:05:29

But it could be, what, 20 feet down, ten feet down?

0:05:290:05:31

No, ten feet. Or less than that, probably four, five feet.

0:05:310:05:34

-So as long as we can detect it, and...dig, we could...?

-Yes. Yeah.

0:05:360:05:40

So, to recap.

0:05:400:05:43

The ring is either just a few feet below the sand right here,

0:05:430:05:46

or it's in Swanage.

0:05:460:05:48

But one thing gives me hope.

0:05:480:05:51

In the '70s this section of beach was protected by groynes,

0:05:510:05:54

long stone structures built to stop the sand setting off on a holiday of its own.

0:05:540:05:59

But even if the ring is still here, it's going to take a mammoth crew to find it.

0:06:000:06:05

-Morning.

-ALL: Morning.

0:06:050:06:07

So I've gathered every metal detectorist, archaeologist,

0:06:070:06:10

scuba diver and treasure hunter in the area.

0:06:100:06:13

Come in. Man with a spade.

0:06:130:06:15

Right, it's a very simple exercise.

0:06:150:06:17

We're looking for a gold ring lost in 1973.

0:06:170:06:21

I have here a picture of the beach as it was in 1973 when we were here.

0:06:210:06:27

And it's substantially different.

0:06:270:06:29

I know that we came down the path and settled roughly here,

0:06:290:06:34

which means on the modern picture we're looking at an area

0:06:340:06:38

basically between the new groynes, if you see what I mean.

0:06:380:06:40

'The ring is just a standard gold band but should be positively identifiable.

0:06:400:06:46

'It will have the same assay marks, stamps used to show gold purity, maker and so on,

0:06:460:06:50

'as my mum's ring which I've been able to check, because Mum didn't lose hers.'

0:06:500:06:55

-Anything else? Happy?

-ALL: Yeah.

0:06:550:06:58

-Dig for gold!

-ALL LAUGH

0:06:580:07:00

The science of finding the misplaced has been appropriately dubbed findology.

0:07:000:07:05

In his book How To Find Lost Objects, professional findologist Professor Solomon writes,

0:07:050:07:11

"There are no missing objects, only unsystematic searches".

0:07:110:07:16

Our search today will be the most thorough organised hunt

0:07:160:07:19

that St Anthony and all his dead monk friends will ever have seen.

0:07:190:07:23

We've split the beach up using a grid system and assigned different teams to each grid square.

0:07:230:07:29

This way we can methodically cross off each section of beach as we go

0:07:290:07:33

and leave no stone unturned, no sand unsifted.

0:07:330:07:36

-Off you go.

-OK.

0:07:370:07:39

Our detector army will take to the beach, scuba divers will scour the ocean bed.

0:07:410:07:46

Thanks to a camera on a toy helicopter, even the skies will aid us in our search.

0:07:460:07:51

We have solid methods and men in rock-hard sunglasses.

0:07:510:07:56

Ring and finger are as good as reunited.

0:07:560:07:59

This gives us a helicopter eye view of the whole ring recovery exercise,

0:08:000:08:05

so we can see if anything's been missed.

0:08:050:08:07

This bit of the beach doesn't seem very big, but when you start looking at it close up,

0:08:070:08:11

you realise actually it's a huge area.

0:08:110:08:13

It's like a massive garden.

0:08:130:08:16

Tutankhamen's Tomb, The Dead Sea Scrolls, The Rosetta Stone,

0:08:160:08:20

all of them will seem like things found in a kitchen drawer

0:08:200:08:24

compared with the rediscovery of May Senior's 9-carat ring.

0:08:240:08:28

We will stop at nothing to find it. Not even at using Rory.

0:08:280:08:33

-Pants on.

-Never wear pants.

-No, pants on!

0:08:330:08:36

-No, no, pants off, I think she's saying.

-It's a rule.

0:08:360:08:39

-No, pants on.

-Well, they'll just get wet.

0:08:390:08:43

-Swimming trunks, Rory.

-Have you got spare pants?

0:08:430:08:45

No, it goes over the top of it, so I won't get wet.

0:08:450:08:47

It's a wetsuit, you berk!

0:08:470:08:49

You look like an action doll you get free with breakfast cereal or something.

0:08:490:08:54

So armed with an underwater metal detector and a head-mounted aquatic camera,

0:08:540:08:59

Rory heads off for his very first scuba dive,

0:08:590:09:02

charged with the simplest task we can possibly find for him,

0:09:020:09:05

sinking in water.

0:09:050:09:07

Rory?!

0:09:160:09:17

Sadly, the dive instructor has failed to allow

0:09:190:09:22

for the immense buoyancy of his student's hollow head.

0:09:220:09:25

Still, if he does submerge, the seabed will be a fertile hunting ground.

0:09:250:09:30

Back on dry land and about an hour into our search,

0:09:300:09:33

we've worked our way through about 10% of our grid area

0:09:330:09:36

and our detectorists have our first promising signal.

0:09:360:09:40

-Have you found something?

-I've got a good signal and I've looked around here.

0:09:400:09:44

It shouldn't be a cable, so hopefully it's something.

0:09:440:09:47

BEEPING

0:09:540:09:56

-The hand probe, is that just...?

-It's just easier to get into the hole once you've dug the hole.

0:09:560:10:01

-So it's the same technology, it's just a little bit more localised?

-Yeah.

0:10:010:10:04

For those of you who can afford to buy your own valuables,

0:10:040:10:07

a metal detector works by pulsing an electromagnetic field into the ground from its transmitter coil.

0:10:070:10:13

Any metallic object the field hits generates a weak magnetic field of its own,

0:10:130:10:18

which is then picked up by the receiver coil.

0:10:180:10:21

The weaker the return field is, the deeper the object is buried.

0:10:220:10:26

Some detectors can even give you a rough idea of what the object might be.

0:10:260:10:31

I just saw something then.

0:10:330:10:35

-Ah-ha!

-There we go.

0:10:350:10:37

-It's a pound, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's a one-pound coin.

0:10:390:10:42

2008.

0:10:420:10:43

-It's remarkable, all those years!

-MAN LAUGHS

0:10:450:10:50

Well, it's a pound. Technically, that's yours.

0:10:500:10:52

-It is. Thank you very much.

-And as we worked our way through the grid,

0:10:520:10:56

that was just the start of a hoard that Time Team could only dream of.

0:10:560:11:00

It is... 20 pence!

0:11:000:11:02

A 5p piece.

0:11:040:11:05

Another five pence.

0:11:060:11:08

-It's an old barbecue.

-Scruffy sods!

0:11:090:11:13

-Yeah.

-It's just a button!

0:11:130:11:15

-It's silver paper.

-Just a Coke can.

0:11:160:11:19

Argh! Look at the depth! Just a barbecue.

0:11:190:11:24

It might be just a copper stud or something like that off a pair of jeans.

0:11:240:11:28

I wish people would throw stuff in the bin.

0:11:280:11:31

The most interesting thing we find is the chamber from an old pistol,

0:11:310:11:34

presumably used by the spouse of a metal-detector enthusiast on his or herself.

0:11:340:11:40

But apart from that, it's a Tutankhamen's trash can of ancient beach bum's litter.

0:11:400:11:46

I don't think it's a very good match, do you, fellas?

0:11:460:11:49

It's not very good at all.

0:11:490:11:51

Well, nevertheless, it's interesting. We can look at this and say "What does it mean?"

0:11:510:11:55

"What does it mean?" It means someone didn't put their rubbish in the bin, really.

0:11:550:11:58

-That's about it, isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:11:580:12:00

We're now six hours into our search and our booty of bottle tops and barbecues

0:12:000:12:05

has crossed off over 70% of our search area.

0:12:050:12:08

But I refuse to be disheartened.

0:12:080:12:10

After all, buried treasure is found in the UK all the time

0:12:100:12:14

and mostly by metal detectorists.

0:12:140:12:16

From Dave Crisp in 2010, who found a hoard of 52,000 Roman coins,

0:12:160:12:23

to divers right here in Sandbanks finding a 17th century wreck with stunning baroque carvings.

0:12:230:12:29

And talking of maritime disasters, Rory has managed to sink and is now homing in on a promising signal.

0:12:290:12:36

It's another bum's beer can.

0:13:060:13:08

But as Rory rises like Aphrodite, I notice something more worrying.

0:13:080:13:14

Rory?

0:13:140:13:15

Rory,... where's your camera gone?

0:13:200:13:23

-Lost it.

-You've lost it?

-We're going to try and find it.

0:13:230:13:31

-You've lost the camera?

-It's... fell off his head!

0:13:310:13:34

Did you find anything?

0:13:340:13:36

It's a Stella can.

0:13:380:13:39

Is that it?! And you've lost Rory's camera?

0:13:390:13:45

I'm now prepared to accept that we won't find the ring,

0:13:450:13:48

but it would be nice to go home with the kit that we came with,

0:13:480:13:51

otherwise we've merely contributed to the world's losses.

0:13:510:13:53

-Yes, exactly!

-Which is not really the object.

0:13:530:13:56

So, with one of our £200 underwater cameras now underwater for eternity,

0:13:560:14:01

we've become the first archaeological dig in history

0:14:010:14:03

to leave behind more treasure than we've discovered.

0:14:030:14:06

But just as I'm considering packing all this in,

0:14:060:14:09

there's exciting news over at the detector grid.

0:14:090:14:12

-So, you think you might have found something?

-Half-decent signal.

0:14:120:14:15

It's either a ring pull or silver or gold!

0:14:150:14:17

HE LAUGHS

0:14:170:14:19

FAINT BEEPING

0:14:190:14:21

It's a ring of some description.

0:14:260:14:28

Hang on, did he say a ring?

0:14:280:14:30

-What have you found?

-A small piece of jewellery.

0:14:330:14:36

It's maybe a little ring, something like that.

0:14:360:14:39

Well, it may be silver and not gold, but finally we have found a ring.

0:14:400:14:45

And the small flotilla of archaeologists we brought down for the day

0:14:450:14:48

actually have something to do.

0:14:480:14:49

Yeah, it's amazing.

0:14:490:14:50

I mean, you know, we have found a ring

0:14:500:14:52

-And we came to look for a ring, we found one.

-Yeah.

0:14:520:14:54

Not the one we were looking for,

0:14:540:14:56

-but it's still, you know, pretty good going.

-It is, yeah. I am impressed.

0:14:560:15:00

And just half an hour later, out at sea.

0:15:000:15:03

MUSIC: "Fortunate Son" by Credence Clearwater Revival

0:15:030:15:06

It's not the missing ring, but it's a ring.

0:15:140:15:18

It's taken most of the day, but amazingly we have found a gold ring.

0:15:180:15:22

And it says 18 carat. 1-8-CT.

0:15:230:15:27

That's not the one we want tragically, but it does mean that somebody's lost it.

0:15:270:15:32

Actually, if you think you lost it, you can write to us, you know,

0:15:320:15:35

[email protected] - mark your subject line That's My Ring.

0:15:350:15:38

But you will have to correctly identify the two initials on it to claim it.

0:15:380:15:43

As people across the country everywhere hit rewind to that close-up of the ring a minute ago,

0:15:430:15:48

I survey our hoard. We've now scoured every square of our grid and found bottle tops,

0:15:480:15:54

bolts, cutlery, a pistol chamber, a rather nice silver St Christopher medallion

0:15:540:15:59

-and a camping kettle whistle.

-WHISTLE

0:15:590:16:03

And even two rings.

0:16:030:16:05

But my dad's 1956 band of gold remains as lost as Atlantis.

0:16:050:16:10

One part of me thinks "Well, the ring is here somewhere, why wouldn't it be?"

0:16:130:16:17

And one of the rules of findology is that it's not lost, you're lost.

0:16:170:16:23

You're looking in the wrong place. But then I also think in the 40 years since that happened,

0:16:230:16:28

I fell off my bike a few times, discovered girls, went to sixth form college, went to university,

0:16:280:16:35

had several false-start careers, bought several houses, met several people, travelled around the world.

0:16:350:16:41

All those things have been going on and in all that time

0:16:410:16:44

the wind has blown and the sea has washed over the sand and it could be anywhere.

0:16:440:16:48

How could you possibly find it?

0:16:480:16:51

Look how big it is.

0:16:510:16:54

Coming up - we crank up the search, turning to the mechanical

0:16:560:17:01

and the mystical.

0:17:010:17:03

-You can actually ask that questions?

-You can.

0:17:030:17:05

ill we recover the lost ring from the sands of time?

0:17:050:17:09

Wait a minute!

0:17:090:17:11

Here's something that baffles me.

0:17:190:17:22

Why is that my mobile phone provider writes to me

0:17:220:17:25

constantly with details of special offers?

0:17:250:17:28

Why doesn't he just ring me up?

0:17:280:17:29

In fact, why do all these people keep writing to me?

0:17:290:17:33

"Free". I get a free tape measure if I spend £150.

0:17:330:17:39

Yes, an art gallery opening, something about sandwiches,

0:17:390:17:43

outdoor buildings, recycling my T-shirts,

0:17:430:17:47

Would I like to pretend I've been injured in an accident, car insurance.

0:17:470:17:52

Somebody would like to rent my house. Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza.

0:17:520:17:57

I reckon that I'm employed for about 15 minutes every day on behalf of British commerce

0:17:570:18:03

tidying up their litter.

0:18:030:18:06

There must be an easier way.

0:18:060:18:08

DRILL WHIRRS

0:18:080:18:10

-Choice, bro.

-Morning, Tony.

-Morning, James.

0:18:200:18:23

What we have in mind is a labour-saving mail sorting system

0:18:230:18:26

that gets rid of the junk and brings the proper post to my office without me having to leave my desk.

0:18:260:18:32

And to make it even more exciting, it's going to be delivered by train.

0:18:320:18:37

This is where we rely on the Man Lab Integrated Transport Solution System,

0:18:410:18:48

or model railway if you must.

0:18:480:18:50

Down there by the letterbox, Simmy reckons he can devise a system for sorting the mail.

0:18:500:18:56

Good things that I want to read and then all the leaflets from people who think they can take my money

0:18:560:19:00

just because they've printed For You My Friend Special Price in one corner.

0:19:000:19:04

These will be loaded on to special wagons on the train,

0:19:040:19:07

which will then make their way down here, gathering speed,

0:19:070:19:10

thundering through the curve here behind the drawing board,

0:19:100:19:13

past the tool board, the Swiss army bicycle, and it'll make its way,

0:19:130:19:18

gathering yet more speed furiously, a flurry of connecting rods, through the bar,

0:19:180:19:23

down here toward the kitchen. And then, somehow or other,

0:19:230:19:28

the junk mail will be dropped off and will become kindling for lighting our pizza oven.

0:19:280:19:35

Now, the train, unburdened by offers to buy your house even though it wasn't for sale,

0:19:350:19:39

will roar off, given new wings by its light burden, across this bridge,

0:19:390:19:45

past the £50 electric organ, round the curve,

0:19:450:19:49

over the illuminated suspension bridge and round another left-hand curve here as yet to be built,

0:19:490:19:54

to arrive here where Sim has devised something rather special.

0:19:540:20:00

-Sim?

-The train will come along, come on to this bridge section here,

0:20:000:20:06

trip some switches, and the whole thing, train, carriages, mail,

0:20:060:20:10

everything will go up to your office,

0:20:100:20:12

join the other railway, which will then continue into the office.

0:20:120:20:16

-Through the hole that Tony made earlier?

-Yes.

0:20:160:20:18

And arrive on my desk.

0:20:180:20:19

In theory, this all seems simple enough, but in practice,

0:20:240:20:28

it poses a few tricky technical problems, not least working out

0:20:280:20:32

how to sort the post automatically.

0:20:320:20:34

Letterbox may be round here somewhere.

0:20:360:20:39

Letters will come in and stack.

0:20:390:20:41

But then I have this little parallel motion arm,

0:20:410:20:45

which will have a sucker on the end of it, which will come down and suck up the mail.

0:20:450:20:51

If it's good mail it will drop it there.

0:20:510:20:53

If it's bad mail, junk mail, it will pick it up,

0:20:530:20:56

take it across to this side, drop it here and it will end up in there.

0:20:560:21:00

What we do with it then, I have got no idea.

0:21:010:21:04

Sim's automatic mail sorting suction arm will require a lot of electronics and wiring.

0:21:040:21:10

While I get down to some serious soldering, Simon wrestles with another thorny issue.

0:21:100:21:15

How to use the train's forward motion to activate the lift.

0:21:150:21:20

The train operates the switch to lift it.

0:21:200:21:23

As soon as the train hits the trip switch, a small electric motor starts winding the lift heavenwards.

0:21:230:21:28

When it reaches the top, another switch brings it neatly to a halt.

0:21:280:21:33

The trick is then to deliver power to the track so that the train can continue on its journey.

0:21:330:21:38

Lovely!

0:21:400:21:41

This project is stretching Sim to the limit.

0:21:440:21:47

Eventually he snaps and has the shortest tantrum in the history of television.

0:21:470:21:52

The fact that it's a... BLEEP impossible thing to do in the time! HE LAUGHS

0:21:520:21:58

But many hours later, he's ready to test the automatic mail sorting arm.

0:21:580:22:03

Now, what I've got here is a remote control system

0:22:030:22:07

connected down to... that thing over there.

0:22:070:22:11

This panel of switches drive tiny motors called servos, which control the motion of the arm.

0:22:130:22:19

Another circuit controls an air pump, which delivers the suction needed to pick a letter up.

0:22:190:22:25

-Look at that!

-The entire sorting process is monitored with a webcam.

0:22:250:22:30

Picked up the letter.

0:22:300:22:32

Oh, it's dropped it. That's good.

0:22:320:22:34

Into the train. We're ready to go.

0:22:340:22:37

The final hurdle is to work out how to get rid of the junk mail.

0:22:390:22:43

Sim's come up with a sort of swinging hopper wagon,

0:22:430:22:46

but getting it to empty into the shredder is pushing him towards another O-gauge hissy fit.

0:22:460:22:51

The problem is to get the junk mail off here, to go into here.

0:22:510:22:57

That is not flipping easy.

0:22:570:23:00

Prodding it with a stick may look futile,

0:23:000:23:02

but in fact it's the inspiration for a very elegant solution.

0:23:020:23:06

When the train hits this buffer, a holding pin is released and a weighted arm does the rest.

0:23:090:23:14

Ingenious!

0:23:160:23:17

We've committed hundreds of hours to this project, but so we should -

0:23:180:23:22

it's an important labour-saving device.

0:23:220:23:26

Finally, we're ready to tackle whatever the postie brings.

0:23:260:23:29

So here's how it works. It is a little bit complicated so bear with me.

0:23:310:23:35

On my desktop computer I have a remote view of the post that's just arrived

0:23:350:23:41

and I also have some controls here that operate the sorting system.

0:23:410:23:46

So, I have a look at the first thing on the pile there.

0:23:460:23:49

It's a piece of junk mail.

0:23:490:23:50

So I bring the operating arm over...

0:23:500:23:53

It will swing into view on my camera. There it is. Fantastic.

0:23:530:23:57

I turn on the vacuum... and then I lower the arm,

0:23:570:24:03

select the piece of junk mail, and then select "junk",

0:24:030:24:07

take it to one side and it should have deposited it.

0:24:070:24:12

Let's have a look. Bring the arm back. Yes, the arm is empty.

0:24:120:24:18

And I notice that the next thing in the pile is also junk mail, so vacuum on.

0:24:180:24:26

It's beautiful, this.

0:24:270:24:29

Vacuum.

0:24:290:24:31

This is absolutely fantastic.

0:24:350:24:38

-Now look at this next one.

-HE READS

0:24:380:24:41

That is for me. So I'll bring the rocker arm back,

0:24:410:24:47

vacuum on, pick up the mail,

0:24:470:24:49

but this time I don't want to deposit it to junk, so I simply kill the vacuum

0:24:510:24:56

and it drops straight down into the good mail carriage.

0:24:560:24:59

Now we are ready for our mail train to start its long

0:24:590:25:02

and arduous journey up to my office. And really what we've done here

0:25:020:25:06

is we've completely automated mail handling and delivery

0:25:060:25:10

and we're invoking really the golden age of the post office,

0:25:100:25:13

when everything was done in a hurry, on the move, with things like

0:25:130:25:19

the travelling post office, a railway carriage in which there was a sorting office,

0:25:190:25:23

so the letters were being sorted whilst they were on their way.

0:25:230:25:25

In fact, it was the subject of a great public information film,

0:25:250:25:29

The Night Mail, words by WH Auden. music by Benjamin Brittan.

0:25:290:25:33

This is the night mail crossing the border, bringing the cheque and the postal order.

0:25:330:25:38

Letters for the rich, letters for the poor,

0:25:380:25:40

the shop at the corner or the girl next door.

0:25:400:25:43

Pulling up Beattock, a steady climb.

0:25:430:25:45

The gradient's against her but she's on time.

0:25:450:25:48

WHISTLE

0:25:480:25:51

Our junk mail train is almost indistinguishable from the 1930s original

0:25:530:25:58

as it gathers speed through the Man Lab.

0:25:580:26:01

WHISTLE

0:26:010:26:03

It bursts from the tunnel towards Sim's as-yet-unpatented shred-o-matic.

0:26:070:26:12

It works! Pizza leaflets instantly transformed into pizza oven kindling.

0:26:160:26:21

Now the train hurtles on towards its ultimate test, the self-raising lift bridge.

0:26:260:26:31

As our plucky train is hoisted aloft,

0:26:360:26:38

Sim and I can look back with pride at our mail train's triumphant journey.

0:26:380:26:43

It's been such a success that I feel moved to verse myself.

0:26:430:26:49

Here is the junk mail crossing the Man Lab,

0:26:490:26:52

bringing us offers of pizza and kebab.

0:26:520:26:55

Sitters for babies, sitters for cats,

0:26:550:26:57

send us your old clothes, rent out your flat.

0:26:570:27:00

Work from your bedroom and earn instant cash

0:27:030:27:05

or send us a claim for bogus whiplash.

0:27:050:27:09

What will she bring me?

0:27:090:27:11

I bet it's amazing, not cable or broadband, or cheap double glazing.

0:27:110:27:16

See how she comes home, steady as we go.

0:27:160:27:24

Ah, it's from the guild of English poets. They regret... it's a no.

0:27:240:27:31

Still never mind. How brilliant is that?

0:27:310:27:33

A remote system for sorting and delivering your good mail directly to your desk.

0:27:330:27:38

And I haven't even had to get out of my chair.

0:27:380:27:41

What could be simpler?

0:27:410:27:44

And now this.

0:27:470:27:49

CHATTER

0:27:520:27:53

Hello. You join me in a very, very busy pub where we are investigating a centuries-old problem.

0:27:570:28:04

I can easily carry two pint glasses full of beer,

0:28:040:28:07

and at a pinch I can manage three like that,

0:28:070:28:11

but only the exceptionally talented can carry more than that.

0:28:110:28:15

Which means, if you're out on a big night with a load of your mates

0:28:150:28:20

and it's your turn to get the massive round in,

0:28:200:28:23

you have to resort...to the tray.

0:28:230:28:25

MUSIC: "O Fortuna" from Carmina Burana by Carl Orff

0:28:250:28:28

It's all so tragically familiar.

0:28:490:28:52

Now, though, we think we have the solution.

0:28:520:28:54

Simmy has a very ingenious invention - very simple as well.

0:28:580:29:01

It relies on atmospheric pressure, which is, of course, all around us.

0:29:010:29:05

And we're not really aware of it until you take it away,

0:29:050:29:08

and then you discover it's about 14 1/2 pounds per square inch.

0:29:080:29:12

That's like having about six bags of sugar on an area like the end

0:29:120:29:17

of your thumb.

0:29:170:29:18

'Thanks to atmospheric pressure, we can create a vacuum by simply

0:29:180:29:22

'putting a rubber disc over the pint glass and pressing down.

0:29:220:29:26

'We also have a family-sized pack of vacuum gauges.'

0:29:260:29:29

We've had the dials of these specially made for us, but

0:29:290:29:32

they are marked "safe", "careful"

0:29:320:29:35

and, right down at the bottom, "oops".

0:29:350:29:38

They measure, effectively, the absence of air pressure,

0:29:380:29:41

so if I suck on it...

0:29:410:29:43

-Tasty?

-No.

0:29:430:29:44

'Time for a demonstration.'

0:29:440:29:46

Here is a standard pint glass.

0:29:460:29:49

We'll fill it just with water in this case.

0:29:490:29:51

What we're going to do is effectively create a partial

0:29:520:29:55

vacuum inside the glass,

0:29:550:29:57

and it was Aristotle who originally observed all this stuff.

0:29:570:30:00

It was he who said, "nature abhors a vacuum," and indeed it does.

0:30:000:30:05

But we can turn it to our advantage, especially -

0:30:050:30:08

and Aristotle wouldn't have understood this -

0:30:080:30:10

if you have to get a really big round in. There is your pint.

0:30:100:30:13

'Our gauge is reading "careful," but that's OK. Let's try this.

0:30:130:30:17

'I'd say that's a success.

0:30:210:30:23

'Even with Simmy literally trying to pull the pint glass off,

0:30:230:30:26

'it won't budge.'

0:30:260:30:27

That's a huge force. That's basically all my strength.

0:30:280:30:31

So, let's return to the pub and put this to the ultimate test.

0:30:350:30:40

A truly massive round and a very ham-fisted boy.

0:30:400:30:45

'We've improved our prototype

0:30:450:30:47

'by creating a Perspex coat-hanger style frame for our beer caddy.

0:30:470:30:50

'This can be written on to say which drink is for whom in your round,

0:30:500:30:55

'or to get your order understood in even the noisiest bar.

0:30:550:30:58

'Once you've got your pint, simply put the pressure pads onto

0:30:580:31:01

'the top and push down to create the vacuum.

0:31:010:31:03

'Hook the tops of the pads onto the carrying frame and away you go.

0:31:050:31:08

'Even the most elbowy pub in Britain holds no fears

0:31:100:31:13

'for the carrier of the beer caddy.'

0:31:130:31:15

Here you go, guys.

0:31:170:31:18

Ah, very good.

0:31:200:31:22

'Once you have your pint, simply peel off the rubber seal...'

0:31:220:31:25

And enjoy.

0:31:250:31:27

That's absolutely brilliant. I'll have the same, please, Rory.

0:31:270:31:31

This bulging folder is absolutely rammed with ideas that have

0:31:410:31:45

been proposed for Man Lab, but that have never made it onto the screen.

0:31:450:31:49

Why not? Well, some of them, frankly, are rubbish,

0:31:490:31:53

like the dog training challenge, or build your own Viking long ship.

0:31:530:31:57

But a lot of them are great.

0:31:570:31:59

They're simply not very suitable for television.

0:31:590:32:01

They're too long winded or they're not very "visual",

0:32:010:32:05

as our director would say.

0:32:050:32:06

But it does seem a pity to waste them,

0:32:060:32:09

so then we had another idea that won't make it onto the television.

0:32:090:32:13

We'll do them on the radio.

0:32:130:32:16

Why are we really doing this?

0:32:210:32:23

It's because, despite the proliferation of newspapers,

0:32:230:32:26

magazines and radio stations and TV channels,

0:32:260:32:29

there are still people who don't have a voice.

0:32:290:32:32

And, with Radio Man Lab - 107.0 FM - we are giving them

0:32:350:32:39

a forum, a place where they can speak freely about art and

0:32:390:32:43

science and natural history and love and personal problems and metalwork.

0:32:430:32:48

Free of any sort of populist or commercial considerations.

0:32:500:32:54

And there are of course people who won't like this.

0:32:540:32:56

That's why we're broadcasting from a place where no-one can touch us.

0:32:560:33:00

Offshore.

0:33:000:33:02

So, here we go.

0:33:050:33:06

In the spirit of the great pirate radio pioneers - Caroline,

0:33:060:33:09

obviously, we are broadcasting from a long boat,

0:33:090:33:12

Elizabeth of Glamis, on the Grand Union Canal in all its beauty,

0:33:120:33:15

just outside Milton Keynes in Bedfordshire.

0:33:150:33:18

Never done this before. Here we go.

0:33:180:33:20

Cast off.

0:33:210:33:23

Now, if you're too young to know what one of these is,

0:33:250:33:29

let alone one of these, pirate radio was popular in the '60s,

0:33:290:33:32

thanks to offshore radio ships like Caroline.

0:33:320:33:35

Because they were technically in international waters,

0:33:350:33:39

they could broadcast unlicensed anarchy,

0:33:390:33:41

and give listeners something they'd never had before,

0:33:410:33:44

challenging the orthodoxy and giving the people a voice.

0:33:440:33:46

We're going to be doing exactly the same,

0:33:460:33:49

and with the latest technology.

0:33:490:33:52

Is that being broadcast?

0:33:520:33:54

'So, at Radio Man Lab, everything works through 3G.

0:33:540:33:58

'At the back of the boat is this box,

0:33:580:34:00

'which contains six mobile phone SIM cards.

0:34:000:34:03

'We simply transmit on whichever SIM card has the best

0:34:030:34:06

'signal at any time.

0:34:060:34:07

'That signal then whizzes back to a secret local rooftop

0:34:070:34:10

'where it is converted to FM

0:34:100:34:12

'and blasted out of these antennas

0:34:120:34:14

'to enthral the whole of Milton Keynes.'

0:34:140:34:17

Radio Man Lab, 107 FM, just cast off here on the Grand Union Canal

0:34:170:34:21

and heading for our first lock gate.

0:34:210:34:23

Good morning, everybody.

0:34:230:34:26

# Ma-a-a-an la-a-ab. #

0:34:260:34:28

Coming up later on the show:

0:34:280:34:30

We've got Peter, the mingy comumbus coracle man, in the water

0:34:300:34:33

giving us live reports of action as it happens here

0:34:330:34:36

on the Grand Union Canal.

0:34:360:34:37

'There is just one small hitch in our mission to inform,

0:34:370:34:40

'educate and anarchise.

0:34:400:34:42

'While the BBC obviously love to promote the kind of illegal

0:34:420:34:44

'radio activity that stuffed them in the '60s, they've told us

0:34:440:34:47

'we have to get a licence, or they will replace us with MasterChef.

0:34:470:34:51

'We may now be the most regulated anarchist pirates in radio

0:34:510:34:54

'history, but we can still be the people's station.'

0:34:540:34:58

Man Lab, 107 FM.

0:34:580:35:00

'We've bludgeoned the Biebers, garrotted the Gagas

0:35:000:35:04

'and instead of generic auto-tune pop, we have guests that would

0:35:040:35:07

'otherwise never see the light of day.'

0:35:070:35:09

Joining me off the riverbank finally and on the boat is Peter Mingy Comumbus,

0:35:090:35:14

our coracle builder from the previous series of Man Lab.

0:35:140:35:18

-Peter, hello.

-Good morning, James.

0:35:180:35:20

One of humankind's most primitive watercraft, I suppose.

0:35:200:35:24

I mean, after the cut-out log, and so on, it's the coracle, isn't it?

0:35:240:35:28

The sea boats were used by the Mesolithic people 8,000 years ago.

0:35:280:35:32

So I think the coracle could be beyond the last ice age,

0:35:320:35:35

we don't know. A very, very ancient form of transport.

0:35:350:35:38

And what are you going to do for us?

0:35:380:35:40

You've bought your trusty coracle along, one we've seen before,

0:35:400:35:42

and you're going to paddle up and down the river.

0:35:420:35:45

And what are you going to report on?

0:35:450:35:47

-I'm looking for interesting flora and fauna.

-OK.

0:35:470:35:51

You go off, if you don't mind, and get in your coracle

0:35:510:35:53

and we'll fade up CD player two - I've no idea what's on it.

0:35:530:35:57

'This is what Man Lab FM is all about.

0:35:570:36:00

'Here is a man who spends his time wandering around the forest

0:36:000:36:03

'alone and in tiny shorts picking up sticks to make Neolithic boats.

0:36:030:36:07

'He's never had anyone to talk to, but now,

0:36:070:36:10

'thanks to our semi-pirate radio station, he has.'

0:36:100:36:13

Anyway, Dan, I'd love to go over to Peter Mingy Comumbus,

0:36:130:36:17

who is - I can see he's behind us. He's trailing a bit, to be honest.

0:36:170:36:21

How do we get him up on our airwaves, Dan?

0:36:210:36:24

We can talk to him whenever we like. Apparently.

0:36:240:36:27

OK, let's see if we can work out...

0:36:270:36:29

Just in case you've only just joined us,

0:36:290:36:31

ladies and gentlemen, we've never done this before,

0:36:310:36:34

and Dan is making a face at me to say, no, no, it's not possible.

0:36:340:36:37

We can't get Peter Mingy Comumbus up on the mic.

0:36:370:36:39

'It may not look it, but this could be a very expensive problem.'

0:36:390:36:44

-So is the out of range of the radio?

-He is out of range.

0:36:440:36:46

He's on the camera right now.

0:36:460:36:48

'Because we're now being regulated by broadcasting law,

0:36:480:36:50

'any radio silence or dead air can land us a fine from Ofcom

0:36:500:36:54

'of up to £25,000 per minute.'

0:36:540:36:58

Oh, which radio mic is he on?

0:36:590:37:01

'Peter, now broadcasting to no-one, is making the most expensive,

0:37:010:37:05

'cosy riverside nature report in radio history.'

0:37:050:37:09

There's some wild Angelica there,

0:37:090:37:11

that's the stuff they put on tops of cakes, Angelica.

0:37:110:37:14

-So we can't speak to him.

-Not yet.

0:37:140:37:17

You don't often see moles on surface. Especially in the daytime.

0:37:170:37:22

-Will I be able to hear what he's saying?

-No.

0:37:220:37:26

Very good nectar source. If you have these in your garden, it's very good.

0:37:270:37:31

This hasn't worked.

0:37:310:37:32

'As the first person we've tried to give a voice to drifts off half

0:37:320:37:36

'a mile downstream, we're left with a two-hour gap in our schedule

0:37:360:37:39

'and a gargantuan fine looming over us.

0:37:390:37:42

'If we're going to stick to our guns and refuse to churn out pop music,

0:37:420:37:46

'we're going to have to resort to drastic measures.

0:37:460:37:49

'Luckily, I've been keeping an ace up my sleeve

0:37:490:37:52

'for just such an occasion.'

0:37:520:37:54

Anyway, on line one, I believe we have Jane,

0:37:540:37:57

who is here to play radio battleships.

0:37:570:37:59

-Hello, Jane, are you there?

-'Good afternoon, James, yes, I am.'

0:37:590:38:02

Excellent, fantastic.

0:38:020:38:04

You should have a 10 by 10 grid marked one, two, three, four,

0:38:040:38:07

five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

0:38:070:38:09

And A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J down the side. Have you got that?

0:38:090:38:12

'Yes, I have, yes.'

0:38:120:38:14

You now need to draw some battleships on

0:38:140:38:16

and they are an aircraft carrier, which is five squares long.

0:38:160:38:21

The battleship, which is four squares long.

0:38:220:38:25

A destroyer and a submarine, each of which are three squares long...

0:38:250:38:29

'This went on longer than the Battle of Trafalgar.'

0:38:290:38:33

'C4.'

0:38:330:38:35

-'Jane?

-Yes, I'm here. Yes.

-That's an miss. Oh dear.

0:38:380:38:44

'Hang on, I'll play the sound effect.'

0:38:440:38:46

SOUND OF MISSILE HITTING WATER

0:38:460:38:50

-'I3.'

-I3.

0:38:500:38:52

'This is, even by Man Lab FM standards, a bit of a low point.

0:38:520:38:57

'We might be filling up the airspace,

0:38:580:39:01

'but this is hardly the kind of programming we set out to produce.

0:39:010:39:04

'I would like to fire a shell roundly at square B3.

0:39:040:39:08

'After two hours of radio battleships, Jane finally

0:39:100:39:14

'triumphed when she sank my little boat

0:39:140:39:16

'with a direct hit on square D6.

0:39:160:39:19

'And then, Dan the producer said we were ready to have another go

0:39:190:39:23

'at Peter Mingy Comumbus's one-man riverbank menagerie show.

0:39:230:39:28

'Fingers crossed.'

0:39:280:39:30

On radio mic one, I believe I am now in contact with

0:39:300:39:33

Peter Mingy Comumbus in the coracle on the Grand Union Canal.

0:39:330:39:36

Are you there, Peter?

0:39:360:39:37

-I certainly am. I'm puffed, but I'm all right.

-Yes, I'm sure you are.

0:39:370:39:42

-Look what we've got here. A little baby moorhen.

-Oh, I can see that.

0:39:420:39:47

Just off the starboard bow.

0:39:470:39:49

I had an amazing experience in a forest once when I was out running.

0:39:490:39:53

There was a baby deer, just a tiny one, came up to me

0:39:530:39:57

and was nuzzling my knees.

0:39:570:39:59

I think mum might have been shot or something the night before.

0:39:590:40:03

'Peter's unconventional and slightly disturbing nature report

0:40:040:40:07

'fills the gap before our afternoon guest.

0:40:070:40:10

'After some initial hiccups, Man Lab FM is back on track,

0:40:100:40:13

'and if we can keep this going until 4pm,

0:40:130:40:15

'when our licence expires, we might just do this.

0:40:150:40:18

'And as the rest of our guests arrive, finally,

0:40:180:40:21

'the people's station starts to come together.

0:40:210:40:23

Hello, listeners - I hope there are some of you -

0:40:250:40:27

I'm joined on the longboat now by the man very much responsible

0:40:270:40:30

for restoring the aqueducts over which we are about to cross.

0:40:300:40:34

Good morning, James, it's a fantastic aqueduct.

0:40:340:40:36

A wonderful, historic structure, 200 years old.

0:40:360:40:39

'Here is a man who is shunned by a society that refuses to accept

0:40:390:40:43

'that Romanesque waterways are totes amazeballs.

0:40:430:40:46

'Now he can share his passion with the world.'

0:40:460:40:48

There were two engineering challenges.

0:40:480:40:51

The first was the hill, which they solved by putting a 300-yard

0:40:510:40:54

tunnel through, and the other was getting over the river Ouse.

0:40:540:40:57

Restricted view seats. Radio Man Lab's art, culture

0:40:570:41:00

and literature slot. To sell 25,000 copies of a book essentially

0:41:000:41:04

just about soldering is a remarkable achievement.

0:41:040:41:07

Thank you.

0:41:070:41:08

Well, a good flux, especially pre-flux solder,

0:41:080:41:12

should immediately dissipate.

0:41:120:41:15

'Would Radio One liberate the creativity of its listeners

0:41:150:41:18

'by gathering together their forgotten teenage love poetry

0:41:180:41:21

'and have it read by the poet laureate of Milton Keynes?

0:41:210:41:24

'I think not.'

0:41:240:41:25

"I know you looked at me in the gym

0:41:250:41:27

"and I know you'll never love me because of him

0:41:270:41:30

"If you only knew the things I could do

0:41:300:41:32

"When I'm alone I think of you

0:41:320:41:34

"It often makes me feel real blue."

0:41:340:41:38

'And, across Milton Keynes, people are actually tuning in.'

0:41:380:41:41

-'What are you going to play?

-I'm going to play Thomas Campion.

0:41:420:41:45

Thomas Campion, 1567 to 1620. Lovely.

0:41:450:41:47

# That Midas spell has governed me too long. #

0:41:470:41:53

'And Milton Keynes is starting to talk back.'

0:41:550:41:58

Are you listening to our radio station in your taxi at the moment?

0:41:580:42:01

-I am, indeed, yes.

-What do you think of it so far?

-It's brilliant.

0:42:010:42:04

"Dear James, at the moment I am not in a relationship,

0:42:040:42:07

"however I am very close to my cat, Molly.

0:42:070:42:10

"Do you advise me to try and find a man or to buy another cat?"

0:42:100:42:13

'Even if our offshore studio is creating its own problems.'

0:42:130:42:17

Producer Dan, we have a phone call... Er, no, we've lost them.

0:42:170:42:20

I think we went under a bridge.

0:42:200:42:22

Is there any way we can stop the boat reversing while we try

0:42:220:42:25

and learn to play the lute?

0:42:250:42:26

Can we please move the radio station away from the bloody railway line?

0:42:260:42:29

-RUMBLING

-What the hell was that?

0:42:290:42:31

'Even ear-shredding locomotives cannot daunt us in our quest

0:42:310:42:35

'to bring important matters to local radio, such as local history.'

0:42:350:42:39

Life was generally pretty grim for most people - I think

0:42:390:42:41

that's what we tend to forget.

0:42:410:42:42

'The world of the psychic.'

0:42:420:42:44

I'm sure I've got a man standing at the bottom of the stairs

0:42:440:42:47

in my house. But only I've ever seen him.

0:42:470:42:50

'Although our celebrity booking could do with some work.'

0:42:500:42:53

I'm not actually sure, having looked over your shoulder at your notes,

0:42:530:42:56

that I'm the Julia Roberts you think you're going to interview.

0:42:560:43:00

# Radio Man Lab

0:43:020:43:05

# Man Lab FM. #

0:43:050:43:08

So far, we haven't had any official complaints about Radio Man Lab.

0:43:080:43:12

Presumably, the listeners - and there aren't going to be that

0:43:120:43:15

many of them - are reasonably forgiving because they know

0:43:150:43:18

it's me and they know it's the first time we've done it.

0:43:180:43:20

But, to be brutally honest,

0:43:200:43:21

it's the hardest job in the world, and it's dangerous to say this,

0:43:210:43:25

but compared with presenting television, doing radio is very hard.

0:43:250:43:29

Television, I'm talking and there's a man there

0:43:290:43:31

and he operates the camera. There's a man there

0:43:310:43:34

and he operates all the knobs that control the sound.

0:43:340:43:37

There's a man there who tells me what to do.

0:43:370:43:39

When you're doing the radio, you're operating the kit

0:43:390:43:42

and being the bloke on the radio.

0:43:420:43:45

The really remarkable thing is that Richard Hammond used to be

0:43:450:43:47

able to do this.

0:43:470:43:49

'As we approach the end of our day's broadcast, I do have to admit

0:43:490:43:52

'there is something rather pleasant about a life on the canal.'

0:43:520:43:56

Quite difficult, this radio lark.

0:43:560:43:58

I can tell you we are rounding a gentle left-hand bend

0:43:580:44:01

on the Grand Union Canal and going past a slightly derelict warehouse.

0:44:010:44:05

It's altogether lovely, actually.

0:44:060:44:08

It's a different view of the world from the canal.

0:44:080:44:10

Not a fast one, but a nice one.

0:44:100:44:12

'As we near Fenny Stratford, and our docking point at the local pub,

0:44:140:44:18

'it's time to bring our grand voyage on the airwaves to a close.'

0:44:180:44:22

We're coming to the end of our first and only ever Radio Man Lab

0:44:230:44:27

broadcast, which is coming up to nearly five hours of broadcast time.

0:44:270:44:30

We've just about worked out how to operate the stuff, have we not, Dan?

0:44:300:44:33

We certainly have.

0:44:330:44:35

Now we're going to find out, as we arrive at the pub down there,

0:44:350:44:38

how well or badly we've done, because everybody

0:44:380:44:41

down there has been listening to Radio Man Lab, 107.0 FM,

0:44:410:44:45

broadcasting to you from the Grand Union Canal,

0:44:450:44:48

just outside Milton Keynes.

0:44:480:44:50

'In these days of 1,000 TV channels, blogging, webstreaming,

0:44:500:44:55

'and face twits, the humble radio might seem as dead as The Buggles

0:44:550:44:58

'would have had you believe.

0:44:580:45:00

'But maybe, by bringing a taste of the Renaissance to pirate radio,

0:45:000:45:03

'we can bring pirate radio to a renaissance.

0:45:030:45:06

'Today, we successfully brought voices to coracle builders,

0:45:080:45:11

'aqueduct historians, soldering experts,

0:45:110:45:14

'floppy hatted musicians, psychics, poets and Hollywood doppelgangers -

0:45:140:45:18

'what more could anyone want?'

0:45:180:45:20

Is it any good?

0:45:210:45:23

It was all right, mate, yeah,

0:45:230:45:24

but it could do with a bit more about the fishing and the canals,

0:45:240:45:28

the history of the canals.

0:45:280:45:30

I'd listen to it if it was on,

0:45:300:45:31

but obviously have different topics to listen to.

0:45:310:45:34

But the station as a whole was quite good, yeah.

0:45:340:45:36

It sounded quite talk-based, but the sort of thing I would listen to.

0:45:360:45:39

It was quite interesting.

0:45:390:45:41

I think I would like to sit there and listen to it all day.

0:45:410:45:45

That was absolutely rubbish.

0:45:450:45:47

'Well, you can't please everyone. But that's rather the point.

0:45:470:45:50

'What we've delivered today has been divisive,

0:45:500:45:53

'underground and utterly niche.

0:45:530:45:55

'You can't get more pirate radio than that.'

0:45:550:45:58

Well, there you go - the medium of radio is insatiable.

0:45:580:46:02

So, if you know a great deal about fishing,

0:46:020:46:04

the frequency 107.0 is free in the Milton Keynes area.

0:46:040:46:08

Fill your boots.

0:46:080:46:09

'Earlier in the show,

0:46:150:46:17

'we embarked on a treasure hunt worthy of Indiana Jones himself,

0:46:170:46:20

'to find my dad's wedding ring, lost on Sandbanks Beach in 1973.'

0:46:200:46:25

I didn't see where it went, but I felt it go.

0:46:250:46:28

'After consulting with geological experts...'

0:46:280:46:30

-So, as long as we can detect it, and dig...

-Yes.

0:46:300:46:34

'..We put together an army of metal detectorists, archaeologists

0:46:340:46:37

'and scuba divers.

0:46:370:46:39

'And devised a grid search system to thoroughly comb the whole beach.

0:46:390:46:43

-'So far, we've found a lot of junk.'

-It's just a button.

-Silver paper.

0:46:440:46:49

Just a Coke can.

0:46:490:46:51

'And even one or two rings, but our grid system is all

0:46:510:46:53

'but exhausted and our situation is looking desperate.'

0:46:530:46:57

Look how big it is.

0:46:570:46:58

'But then, we come across a man who suggests a drastic change of tack.'

0:47:000:47:04

The difference between dowsing and using a metal detector is

0:47:040:47:08

obviously a metal detector can only look for the metal under the ground.

0:47:080:47:11

You can use this as a directional finder.

0:47:110:47:13

So if you asked which way the sun is shining,

0:47:130:47:16

the rods will then point towards the sun.

0:47:160:47:18

'Adrian Incledon-Webber is a professional dowser,

0:47:180:47:21

'who claims to be able to tell us

0:47:210:47:23

'precisely where Dad's ring has got to.'

0:47:230:47:25

There is no scientific explanation for why dowsing should work.

0:47:250:47:29

And yet, there are continuous examples of it being used

0:47:290:47:33

successfully throughout history.

0:47:330:47:36

Even to the extent that troops in the Vietnam War dowsed

0:47:360:47:39

to avoid booby-traps.

0:47:390:47:41

Einstein was convinced by it, claiming it simply showed the

0:47:410:47:44

reaction of the human nervous system to factors unknown at this time.

0:47:440:47:49

We may be entering the realm of the peculiar.

0:47:490:47:52

-Can I interrupt? You can actually ask that questions?

-You can.

0:47:520:47:56

With most dowsing rods you get a yes or no response, so normally

0:47:560:47:59

when people ask, you ask for a yes response and the rods will cross.

0:47:590:48:03

A no response is the other way round.

0:48:030:48:05

But you should just be able to ask a simple question - show me

0:48:050:48:09

where Jim walked, and just really follow the rods to see where

0:48:090:48:12

he ended up, where you ended up as a family.

0:48:120:48:14

-If you go and start over there.

-Absolutely.

-Sure, let's do that.

0:48:140:48:17

Yes.

0:48:200:48:22

I do sort of want to ask him,

0:48:220:48:24

is this serious or are you a bit of a nutcase?

0:48:240:48:27

But it seems actually quite rude, and it's very easy to dismiss it.

0:48:270:48:30

Let's see what he comes up with. I think he's roughly right so far.

0:48:310:48:36

'Supposed explanations of dowsing include anything from the rods

0:48:380:48:41

'channelling the human subconscious to discussions on ley lines

0:48:410:48:44

'and the nonlinearity of time.

0:48:440:48:46

'But regardless, and rather freakily,

0:48:460:48:48

'Adrian does immediately head to the spot where I think Dad was.'

0:48:480:48:52

Possibly, possibly, yes.

0:48:540:48:56

'I'm a long way from convinced, but at this point,

0:48:560:48:59

'I'm willing to give anything a try.'

0:48:590:49:01

The ring disappeared off about here.

0:49:010:49:03

Well, in that case, we should mark out another square here.

0:49:030:49:08

'So, with a slight adjustment to our grid system,

0:49:080:49:11

'we're ready to commence Operation Dowse.'

0:49:110:49:14

As Vincent, our geomorphologist, said,

0:49:140:49:16

the sands will have built up over time, but as we are now

0:49:160:49:20

concentrating on a smaller area,

0:49:200:49:22

we can pool our resources and dig deeper.

0:49:220:49:25

So we cordoned off a new area here, we're going to concentrate on this.

0:49:250:49:28

The geomorphic evidence is it would be down at least two

0:49:280:49:32

or three feet, so we need to dig away, scan, dig, scan until we go down

0:49:320:49:37

maybe three or four feet, and then we stand a chance of detecting it.

0:49:370:49:40

So all our searchers are being mustered,

0:49:400:49:43

they're going to invade this square and we're going to go for it.

0:49:430:49:46

'And so we reach the moment traditional for all blokes'

0:49:460:49:49

'days out at the beach - digging a bloody great big hole in the sand.

0:49:490:49:53

'Like a slightly trainspotter-y chain gang,

0:49:530:49:56

'our detectorists toil in the cruel Sandbanks sun.'

0:49:560:50:00

'But even with all our volunteers, and one or two extra ones,

0:50:000:50:03

'we still can't search deep enough or fast enough.

0:50:030:50:06

'But I think I've found a solution.'

0:50:060:50:09

ROCK MUSIC

0:50:090:50:12

'In the back of my mind there's a small worry that,

0:50:200:50:23

'like Alec Guinness in Bridge On The River Kwai,

0:50:230:50:26

'I've allowed obsession to turn to madness,

0:50:260:50:28

'that finding this ring isn't that important after all.

0:50:280:50:31

'Maybe I've taken this that bit too far and just

0:50:310:50:33

'disturbed everyone's day at the seaside.

0:50:330:50:36

'Nah.'

0:50:360:50:37

Mark the local digger driver has

0:50:400:50:42

taken this area of the beach down to the level of the old sand,

0:50:420:50:45

about three feet, so now everybody's going to come in,

0:50:450:50:48

thoroughly scan and sift this lot

0:50:480:50:49

and this, of course, is where it will be, somewhere in here.

0:50:490:50:52

Go.

0:50:520:50:54

MUSIC: "Wipeout" by The Surfaris

0:50:540:50:56

'This is our literal last-ditch attempt in our

0:51:020:51:05

'glorious crusade in the name of St Anthony.

0:51:050:51:07

'Men, women and children standing up as one and saying

0:51:070:51:10

' "No, you shall not take our car keys.

0:51:100:51:12

' "You shall not leave me without a pen.

0:51:120:51:14

' "Even though I swear I put it down right there just a moment ago.

0:51:140:51:18

' "We will search, we will hunt, we will scour." '

0:51:180:51:22

Anything?

0:51:220:51:23

' "And we will find nothing." '

0:51:230:51:25

I'm slightly amazed.

0:51:270:51:29

I thought the detectors would all go completely mad down at this level.

0:51:290:51:32

Well, they normally would...

0:51:320:51:35

'But before you can say "What a waste of time that was,"

0:51:350:51:38

'Adrian has a brand-new theory.

0:51:380:51:41

'Dad did drop the ring here, it's just not here now.'

0:51:410:51:45

Now, the great thing about dowsing is, it's

0:51:450:51:47

just nice to be able to sit at home and actually do some remote dowsing.

0:51:470:51:50

When the phone call came through, or when the e-mail came through from

0:51:500:51:53

Rory, I copied a map off of the computer, and when I dowsed -

0:51:530:51:58

"Is it on the beach? No, it's not. Where is it?"

0:51:580:52:01

and actually by looking at the X and Y axis,

0:52:010:52:03

actually found it about maybe 2,000 yards into the sea.

0:52:030:52:07

When I dowsed the next morning, I actually

0:52:080:52:10

found it about two, you know, about three and a half, four miles inland.

0:52:100:52:14

-So I think what happens...

-It's a big area.

0:52:140:52:16

It is but, yeah... But what happens,

0:52:160:52:18

we could probably pinpoint it on a map or a street,

0:52:180:52:20

is that my initial impression was somebody actually found it.

0:52:200:52:23

Probably about three weeks later, a metal detector came down,

0:52:230:52:26

found it. But one of his first ever finds and rather than wearing

0:52:260:52:30

it round his finger, I think he's got it on a little chain around his neck.

0:52:300:52:34

When it was in the sea that day, I think he's got a boat.

0:52:340:52:36

A little fisherman goes out and he's actually still got it with him.

0:52:360:52:40

It's a nice story.

0:52:420:52:43

It is not a bad story. That's kind of what...

0:52:430:52:46

Fits together quite well, doesn't it?

0:52:460:52:47

'I suspect there might be another reason why Adrian's

0:52:470:52:50

'remote dowsing produced a different result each time, but he

0:52:500:52:54

'convinces me to go in a car with him to where he believes this

0:52:540:52:57

'mystery '70s metal-detecting fisherman might be.'

0:52:570:53:01

-When I first dowsed, it was out to sea.

-Yeah.

0:53:010:53:03

The next time I dowsed remotely,

0:53:030:53:05

it was actually a couple of miles that way,

0:53:050:53:07

and then, dowsing this morning, it kind of picked it up

0:53:070:53:10

a lot earlier in a boatyard over the other side of

0:53:100:53:14

-the chain-link which is...

-Oh, it is a boat yard?

-Yeah.

0:53:140:53:17

-Do you know it's a bloke?

-It's definitely a bloke, yeah.

0:53:170:53:20

He was about 26, 27 when he found it,

0:53:200:53:23

-so he's going to be in his mid-60s now, I think.

-Yeah, OK.

0:53:240:53:27

65, 66 that sort of age group.

0:53:270:53:29

And the person's name you think begins with A?

0:53:290:53:30

I think it begins with A. and I was hoping...

0:53:300:53:32

-Can you ask what the second letter is or...?

-I haven't yet.

0:53:320:53:35

On his name? That's probably not easy dowsing in here but...

0:53:350:53:38

So the first half of the alphabet. Yeah.

0:53:380:53:41

MUSIC: "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane

0:53:410:53:45

Probably an I, I think.

0:53:450:53:47

'I feel like I've fallen completely down the rabbit hole.'

0:53:470:53:51

That, I think, is the boatyard.

0:53:510:53:54

'I'm not entirely sure how this has happened.

0:53:540:53:56

'I started off the day with a detailed scientific plan

0:53:560:53:58

'involving grid systems and now I'm wandering

0:53:580:54:01

'towards the Poole Royal Motor Yacht Club,

0:54:010:54:03

'feeling like a psychic Challenge Anneka.'

0:54:030:54:06

Can you tell me anything else before I go in? Cos it's going to be quite

0:54:060:54:08

a difficult introduction to make - "I'm looking for a man in his..."

0:54:080:54:11

-60s, mid-60s, who...

-Yeah.

-..done a bit of...

0:54:110:54:14

No, I can't really do much more than that. Let's have a... Let's see.

0:54:140:54:18

We're looking for a man in his mid to late 60s,

0:54:180:54:21

whose name begins with A.

0:54:210:54:22

-Yeah, we only know A, possibly A, I.

-What does he do?

0:54:220:54:25

-Well, that we don't know.

-We don't know.

0:54:250:54:27

-Mid-60s...

-OK.

0:54:270:54:29

-..whose name begins with A.

-With A?

0:54:290:54:31

I feel he was actually out on the sea yesterday as well.

0:54:310:54:34

What's told you that?

0:54:350:54:37

Just dowsing.

0:54:370:54:38

-What's your name?

-Rob.

0:54:380:54:40

-It's not you, then?

-No.

0:54:400:54:41

It's one of the most bizarre questions I've ever been asked.

0:54:410:54:44

I bet it's been quite difficult asking it, because...

0:54:440:54:48

Do you need a quick conclusion? Can we spread the word?

0:54:480:54:50

-Oh, please, do spread the word. No, seriously.

-Yeah.

0:54:500:54:53

-We're very keen.

-That's the way you're going to find out.

-Yes.

0:54:530:54:56

Brilliant. Thank you. Good.

0:54:560:54:57

OK, thanks again, thanks.

0:54:570:55:00

-It's still lost.

-Thanks for being so accommodating as well.

0:55:000:55:02

It's still lost!

0:55:020:55:03

'We've been digging and detecting now for nearly ten hours

0:55:050:55:08

'and the whole team has sand

0:55:080:55:10

'permanently stuck in places it shouldn't be.

0:55:100:55:12

'We've scoured every inch of beach and, even with all our

0:55:120:55:15

'resources and all our methods, I don't think we've even come close.'

0:55:150:55:20

It does at least lay to rest this old idea that

0:55:200:55:23

-Britain is the dirty man of Europe.

-BEEPING

0:55:230:55:25

Wait a minute! Cos this beach is spotlessly clean. Do it again.

0:55:250:55:30

What have you got?

0:55:300:55:32

We don't know but...

0:55:320:55:33

You're not just picking up his metal...

0:55:330:55:35

Anybody got a little shovel, a little sieve?

0:55:350:55:38

-Chip fryer.

-Oh, here we go, we've got the chip fryer of tradition.

0:55:380:55:43

BEEPING

0:55:430:55:45

'If this is it, if, 40 years later, we find the ring again

0:55:450:55:49

'using the chip pan fryer, it may be one of the most poetic,

0:55:490:55:53

'non-award-winning moments in televisual history.'

0:55:530:55:56

MUSIC: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2

0:55:560:55:58

METAL DETECTOR SOUNDS

0:55:580:56:01

-Is that a good one?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:56:010:56:03

-That's a good one?

-Yeah.

-Right. Hold on.

0:56:030:56:06

# I have run through the fields... #

0:56:060:56:10

BEEPING

0:56:100:56:11

Yeah, let's make a separate pile here. See if it's in there.

0:56:110:56:14

What is that?

0:56:170:56:18

-It's metal, whatever it is.

-It's a metal rod. Has anybody got a trowel?

0:56:200:56:26

A spade?

0:56:260:56:28

'Although we couldn't be sure and we couldn't get it out,

0:56:280:56:31

'it felt suspiciously like the handle

0:56:310:56:33

'of a long-forgotten metal detector.'

0:56:330:56:35

It's definitely metal but it's not a wedding ring.

0:56:360:56:39

'And so, having exhausted every option, both scientific

0:56:410:56:45

'and mystical, we ruefully pack up the digger and say our thank-yous

0:56:450:56:49

'to the detectorists, archaeologists,

0:56:490:56:51

'scuba divers and dowser.

0:56:510:56:53

'I feel disappointed but not entirely disheartened.'

0:56:530:56:57

This has been an exercise in so-called findology,

0:56:570:57:01

the semi-science of looking for things

0:57:010:57:03

and it may appear that we've failed here

0:57:030:57:06

but I don't think we have because this has been a genuine scientific

0:57:060:57:10

experiment, ruthlessly pursued, and the point of an experiment,

0:57:100:57:13

of course, is to get a result, to see what happens and we do have

0:57:130:57:18

an unequivocal set of results

0:57:180:57:20

from which we can draw a concrete conclusion.

0:57:200:57:22

It's lost.

0:57:240:57:26

Shall we go and get some cockles?

0:57:340:57:36

Yes, come on then, let's do that.

0:57:360:57:38

-Can I have a 99, Dad?

-A 99?

-Yeah.

0:57:390:57:41

-What have you done to deserve a 99? I don't know.

-I built a sandcastle.

0:57:410:57:45

You see, it may not be on the beach

0:57:470:57:50

but, thanks to the dowser and the Royal Motor Yacht Club of Poole,

0:57:500:57:53

the tentacles of this search will now reach out all across Dorset

0:57:530:57:57

and ultimately go global and I sort of think it will yet turn up.

0:57:570:58:02

So now from a cause that seemed hopeless but may not be,

0:58:020:58:06

we'll move on to a musical instrument

0:58:060:58:09

that seemed useless but may not be.

0:58:090:58:11

Here to play us out on the Theremin,

0:58:110:58:13

it's Jake Rothman with Theme From Man Lab. Goodbye.

0:58:130:58:18

HE PLAYS THEREMIN

0:58:190:58:21

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:330:58:36

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS