Episode 3 James May's Man Lab


Episode 3

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Transcript


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Hello and welcome to Man Lab,

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which stands like a warmly lit wayside tavern

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on a road ruined by the potholes of our own incompetence.

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And where the weary traveller may drink deeply of the sawdusty draught

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of reassurance that everything will be OK.

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Or something like that.

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'On today's rainy Wednesday afternoon at school...'

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Stand clear. Fire in the hole!

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'..we give a whole town its daily bread.'

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He's desperate for a bun, that bloke. His head is like a skull, Simmy, you've got to get him.

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'We take the reins of time's winged chariot with our own clock.'

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What could be simpler than that, apart from obvious things like quantum physics?

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'And we explore complex mathematical probability theory via 300 cans of lager.'

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Three, two, one! Aaaaaaarrrghhh!

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Yeah, so we've had a letter from Ian Littlejohn.

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He's a councillor in the Oxfordshire town of Abingdon.

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And he says, "Abingdon has an ancient tradition of throwing buns

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"from the top of our town hall to the assembled populous for royal events."

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"It usually attracts several thousand spectators

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"and the local councillors throw approximately 6,000 currant buns.

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"However, we have a problem and we wondered if you could help."

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I'm sure we can.

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'This might sound like the sort of thing we would just make up. It isn't.

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'Abingdon's obsession with chucking buns at its citizens stretches back centuries.

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'Every time there's a royal event, out come the buns.

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'All the way back to eyewitness accounts of low-flying hot crossers at the coronation

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'of King George III in 1760.'

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' "Let them eat buns," cry the burghers of Abingdon.

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'And the dough-faced citizens swarm into the streets like yeast-crazed fanatics.

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'Old photographs show crowds in a bun frenzy,

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'so deprived of entertainment that a pelted bun must have seemed like a PlayStation 3.'

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But, if anything, it gets worse.

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Let's move forward to the modern colour age, the 1990s,

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the rise of the me-me-me culture, the decline of community values.

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We find tragic scenes such as this.

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If you look carefully, you will see this girl has three buns to herself.

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This woman over here has three buns.

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Somebody back here has two buns. Somebody is catching buns in a hat.

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But what about this poor urchin here? He has nothing.

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He is our wart for this operation.

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Let's not forget, he will now be in his twenties.

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He must be starving.

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Well, they throw all these buns

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and the crowds are massive, you know.

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You're literally up against one another like in a football ground.

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And it's impossible, unless you're very lucky, to catch one, you know.

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I'd say the amount of buns that actually make it to the back,

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about one or two, not even that.

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We try as hard as we can.

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But if we're wearing robes, they do inhibit you rather.

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Last year, people were going home with five or six at the front.

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Those at the back were not getting any.

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With James's help, hopefully, we can get them spread out so more people can get buns.

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It's a very old and very worthy idea.

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The re-distribution of wealth.

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The idea that riches should trickle down from the top to the people underneath.

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From the rich to the poor,

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we are the Robin Hoods of slightly stale bakery items.

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'This then is our battlefield, Abingdon town square,

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'clearly constructed to resemble a giant hot cross bun.

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'Come the jubilee, we'll be perched on top of the town hall,

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'rivalling the Shard at a colossal 20 metres high.

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'But if we are to successfully throw buns to the farthest reaches of the square,

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'we need to introduce Abingdon to the white heat of technology and science, which will feed us all.'

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So, here we go. 300 years in to the great tradition of throwing buns

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off the roof of the town hall, we have introduced the theodolite.

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Looks very complicated. The principle is very simple.

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It sort of draws invisible optical triangles in the air.

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You will remember from trigonometry that, if you know angles and a few distances,

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you can then work out all the sides of the triangle,

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so we can get distances away, heights above the ground and so on.

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The point of this is, if we've got very accurate dimensions,

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we can work out very accurate trajectories that the buns need to follow.

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In order for this to work, you have to point it at the little prism on the top of Aaron's rod here,

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which means Simmy will press the buttons on this because he's very brainy.

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I'm going to go back down the 108 wooden steps of ye olde town hall and stand in the square with this.

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-Happy?

-Very happy.

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See you.

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None shall pass!

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Shall we do a reading from the centre of the cross in the square?

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The cross in the pavement? I'm advancing.

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You can advance. I don't have to do anything. This machine will follow you.

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Will it?

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That is unbelievable. You want to look down here.

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The machine now automatically follows the prism to there.

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The centre of the cross in the centre of the cross in the centre of the square.

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You are now... Horizontal distance from me is 30 metres

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and your slope distance is 35 metres.

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This will be the most accurate reconnaissance for a bun-chucking mission

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ever attempted in the history of Abingdon.

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Eight-and-a-half paces.

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'47.7 metres.'

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Your slope distance 55 metres, so we are getting quite far away.

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I think we'll be hard pushed to get that kind of distance.

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'Thanks to the theodolite, we know that our buns must reach a distance of 55 metres

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'if they're to reach the most dejected and leprous peasants at the back of the square.'

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'But recording mere distances is simply not enough.

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'In order to be truly accurate, we need to cater for the height

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'and catching variances of all the citizens of Abingdon.'

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I can't help think we're making this complicated.

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Distances in metres accurate to three or four decimal places.

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It's not as if the bun is standard.

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We won't be able to make it land exactly there.

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I've got a better idea. I've got a really good idea.

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This is Jonathan Whaley. He's a highly experienced classic jet-fighter display pilot

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and an ex-Royal Navy aerial warfare instructor.

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He is eminently qualified to throw some stale bakery produce

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out of the window of a small Cessna.

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-So, any questions?

-Let's go, I'm ready for it.

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Synchronise watches.

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-Monday?

-Monday, it is.

-Good.

-Let's go.

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'And so began the first flight of the Abingdon bunner command.

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'Our target, representing Abingdon citizens the world over,

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'is our cardboard cut out of Will, our producer.

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'In the past, he's survived being shot by duelling pistols and being crushed by falling trees.

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'Can he withstand an aerial assault with the contents of a Greggs?'

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In the RAF during the Second World War,

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there were 300 pilots named Baker, 60 named Bun and one named Cake.

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'In-flight entertainment over, we've got to start flying really low

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'if we're to successfully slam the man not cut out for his job.'

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And reducing altitude.

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'And I mean REALLY low.'

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Five degrees. Five degrees, bun doors open.

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'There are more bun puns to come.'

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Lower, lower.

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30 feet, 30 feet.

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'Target in sight.'

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OK, bunbardier, make it a good one.

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Buns gone.

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'Goner, goner. Will has been bunned.'

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LAUGHS

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'Stuff poncing about with the theodolite.

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'We now have proof that rapid aerial delivery would give 50% accuracy.

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'And only mild concussion.

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'Ecstatic, we took our proposal to the Abingdon council.'

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-Can James do some low-level bunning?

-No.

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'Bugger.'

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'But, judging by the hammering sounds traumatising the chickens outside Simmy's kitchen,

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'he may have a plan B.'

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Our plan today is to make a catapult.

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'Sim sets to work, accompanied by cheesy doing music,

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'welding up a framework from mild steel.'

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That'll be our frame. Then we stick it on something similar to this.

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'In engineering circles, this is known as a long bit.

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'With the long bit attached, Simmy also fashions a trigger mechanism.

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'This is becoming less of a catapult, more of a hot crossbow.'

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Off it goes.

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'Following art shots of the angle grinder, the final stage is to attach bungee cord to the frame.'

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'When this is extended, it's held by the trigger.'

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And...

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..that seems to work.

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'Now too the bun-firing buts.'

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-How accurate is this?

-Well, if I aim for the middle of the gate.

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-What if I go and stand in there? Can you...?

-All right.

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See if you can actually fire it into my hands because,

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I'm just thinking, if this is a device that fires a single bun,

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-the really needy people who never get a bun, we can fire buns at.

-Yeah. All right.

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People who maybe aren't quite up to the fray.

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'It's a good 40 metres to the gate.

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'If you add in a 20-metre drop, as we'll be firing from the top of the town hall,

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'then if we can reach this, we should clear the square.'

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-Right, ready?

-Yeah. Give me that bun, man.

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There's a bit of wind.

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Oh!

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It's good.

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'This is a precision pastry projectile system.

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'The sort of thing 3D TVs were invented for.

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'If only we'd thought to film it that way.

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'With this, we can slam a bun into the mewling gob of a hungry child from 60 metres.

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'The only problem is, we need to fire a heck of a lot of buns

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'and our hot crossbow is a one-shot deal.'

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-Perfect. OK, what else you got?

-Ah!

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You might recognise this.

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-That's the Christmas tree bauble mortar.

-Yes.

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'Yes, in a display of ingenuity that will justify your licence fee for years to come,

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Simmy has spent 15 minutes digging out

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the bauble mortar from our Christmas special last year.'

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The idea being, one big valve,

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which will let whatever compressed air is in this part out very quickly.

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And out they'll come. Simple in theory.

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We're going to give it a go now.

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'Pressure up to full. Here we go.'

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Five bar.

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-There we go.

-That's hopeless.

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LAUGHS

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'Before you can say, "Didn't that happen on the Christmas special?" Simmy has identified the problem.'

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There's so much air rushing past.

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What about some sort of wadding, like a shotgun cartridge?

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-Oh, I've thought of that, James.

-Ah!

-So I came up with that.

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So that now is a nice fit.

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So no air escapes around the side of our buns.

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Ramrod just to get it...

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What we're looking at here is the mechanisation,

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the industrialisation, of food distribution,

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which a lot of people object to.

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They think it's not proper, local, or rustic.

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Let's face it, the population is expanding and this is the way they get fed.

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If you don't embrace this sort of thing,

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you end up with a place like Abingdon full of starving peasants.

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And nobody wants that. So, raising pressure.

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-Ready?

-Fire.

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Whoa!

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-I like that.

-'Buns to rain over us.'

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'So thanks to the cutting-edge tech of a small foam bung,

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'we can now give Abingdon a currant-bun carpet bomb.'

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That's tremendous.

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With that sort of trajectory, you're going that far,

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plus we've got the drop, you'll be able to mortar the shops opposite.

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You'll be able to fire buns through the windows.

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The only slight problem is,

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the loading procedure is quite convoluted and there's,

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I don't know, something like 5,500 buns.

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-That's it.

-All those braying, starving people who haven't eaten since Charles and Diana got married.

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And all those councillors wanting to throw buns as well.

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We need a sort of... A more rapid-fire solution.

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Well, yeah, there is something I'm working on.

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I mean, given that the crossbow does, like, one a minute,

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this'll do six a minute. But I'm working on something that will do about one a second.

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'We're not going to reveal until part two exactly what this is,

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'only that it can do this...'

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I don't know what Sim's secret weapon is.

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But I do know that it's part of an extremely...

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NOISE OF WEAPON DROWNS OUT VOICE

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This is true progress.

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'Coming up, will our bun battery be up to bunmaggedon?

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'And will we run out of cheap bun-based gags?'

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Hey! Load the bunderbuss!

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'Stay tuned.'

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Fire! Fire!

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Fire!

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Now, the other day we noticed that there isn't actually a clock anywhere in the Man Lab,

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which isn't a problem because we can go out and buy one very easily.

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But where's the skill in that?

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This is Man Lab, so we're going to make one.

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All timepieces in the world rely in some way on natural phenomena.

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Even the most ancient of clocks, the sundial,

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relies on the movement of the sun through the heavens,

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which is an immutable, it will always be the same.

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A clockwork wristwatch has an oscillating spring.

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Even an atomic clock is based on something natural.

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There's another one that we're going to use, the flow of water.

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Even a bucket with a hole in it, if the hole is the right size,

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will give you a rudimentary egg-timer sort of clock.

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But Simmy has been working on something more complicated involving siphons. Simmy.

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We're going to have a constant flow down to a siphon.

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As you know, with siphons, if you let water go into them slow enough

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they won't siphon because they'll never get to the point

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-where the water goes over the top of the siphon to actually draw in, draw down the water.

-Right.

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'I'm saying "right" in a vaguely confident manner but, actually, this is all quite complicated.

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'We need to go back to first principles.

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'Here's what any petrol thief knows.

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'You draw liquid from a container through a pipe like this.

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'Once it reaches the point where it's lower than the liquid in the container,

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'it will continue to flow unassisted.

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'So if you keep topping up the original container, you can maintain a constant flow.

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'Because the chalk drawing is a bit baffling,

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we set up a simple prototype siphon to show how a series of them

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could manage the flow of water very accurately.'

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'If the siphons fill and discharge regularly,

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'then it should be a simple matter to join them up to a display.

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'Another natural phenomenon as the basis of a clock.'

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It's absolutely spot on.

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That always goes back to the same level, which means the same amount is coming out. That's important.

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Everyone will be constantly rushing to the bog with this thing going on in the background.

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'After going for a wee-wee, Simmy's ready to reveal more

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'of his increasingly complicated time and motion plan.

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'Time will be read on the clock by our minute indicator,

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'which will have 30 holes, each of which takes two minutes to fill.

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'When the minute indicator is full, the water will flow into the hour indicator, which has 12 holes.'

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If three windows in this were full and three windows in that were full,

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it would be six minutes past three in the morning.

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-Or the afternoon because it's a 12-hour clock.

-Yes.

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There you go. What could be simpler than that?

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Apart from obvious things like quantum physics.

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'Any timepiece is as useless as a speed hump on a runway unless it's accurate.

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'And this is true of ours.

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'The slightest leak could completely ruin our clock's precision.

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'So to be extra careful, we make a wooden template for each part first,

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'so we can cut the real Perspex parts with absolute accuracy.

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'Once our Perspex pieces are cut,

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'it's time to construct our chronometer.'

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We must get on with this, Simmy, because, as Omar Khayyam said,

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"The stars are setting,

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"the caravan starts for the dawn of nothing. Oh, make haste."

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'The great thing about this, as opposed to a longcase clock,

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'is that we'll mount it on a large wheeled frame

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'so the whole thing is completely portable around the Man Lab.

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'It'll be as versatile as a wristwatch.

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'So, with our Perspex components exactly in position,

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'suddenly, from nothing but the mind of Simmy and precision engineering,

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'stands the Man Lab water clock.'

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You join us at a very exciting moment.

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We are about to add water to our water clock for the very first time.

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And you will know that the poet Larkin said,

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"If I were called in to construct a new religion, I would make use of water."

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And that's what we've done here. Time is our god.

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-How are you doing?

-You should see it come into that bottom tank soon.

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Can you see water coming through?

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-Yes! Yes!

-We have water?

-We do.

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Simmy's plumbing in the pump that maintains the head of water at the top.

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'This is it, then, zero hour for the Man Lab water clock.'

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MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss

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Oh, it's leaking like a bastard.

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-Yeah, let's close that off.

-Right. Stop it. Close the valve.

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That's what I... No... That's...

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LAUGHS

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Where's the ladder gone? I've banged my head on... Ah! No, chair. Chair will do it.

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BLEEP

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-Why is there another hole there?

-Oh, I don't know.

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Shouldn't be a hole there. I'll have to keep my finger in it.

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LAUGHS

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Woah-ho!

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'We'd like to tell you how long we spent on repairs, unfortunately, our clock was broken.'

0:19:350:19:41

Simmy's water clock, really,

0:19:430:19:45

it defers to the Romans and their aqueducts,

0:19:450:19:48

the canal builders of the Industrial Revolution

0:19:480:19:51

and our clock-making grandfathers.

0:19:510:19:53

It really is a remarkable bubbling thing.

0:19:530:19:57

So you can see it work more clearly,

0:19:570:20:00

Simmy's now going to add dye to the water.

0:20:000:20:04

# Our eyes are watering, mama... #

0:20:040:20:07

'Now this may look a little complex, so here's how it works.

0:20:070:20:11

'Water is pumped up from the tank at the bottom to the top.

0:20:110:20:14

'It then travels down through our siphon system,

0:20:140:20:17

'which releases water every two minutes into our minute gauge.

0:20:170:20:21

'So each hole filled here represents two minutes of time.

0:20:210:20:24

'Once the minute gauge is full, the water is dumped into the hour gauge

0:20:240:20:29

'where each hole filled is one hour.

0:20:290:20:31

'Then at midnight or midday, when everything is full,

0:20:310:20:34

'the whole system is dumped back to the water tank to start again.'

0:20:340:20:38

Simmy reckons he's fixed the leaks in the clock and it's running perfectly.

0:20:380:20:42

But to see if he's right, we need to check it against the real time.

0:20:420:20:46

And to find the real time,

0:20:460:20:48

I'm going to use one of the most ancient methods known to humankind,

0:20:480:20:52

which is, of course, the talking clock.

0:20:520:20:55

Hang on.

0:20:550:20:58

'At the third stroke, the time will be 10:52 and 10 seconds.'

0:20:580:21:03

Right, let's find out.

0:21:030:21:06

Ten... Two, four, six, eight. 52.

0:21:060:21:11

'To use the strict horological term, that's bob on.

0:21:110:21:15

'The Man Lab water clock is complete and accurately recording our tardiness.

0:21:150:21:19

'Wave goodbye to boring wall clocks

0:21:190:21:22

'and welcome this gurgling monument to doing things the hard way.'

0:21:220:21:26

That's marvellous. But now it's time for something different.

0:21:280:21:31

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:21:360:21:39

Arse!

0:21:440:21:45

We've all done this, of course.

0:21:450:21:48

You've been out with your mates who live in the country,

0:21:480:21:51

you've had a good night out, maybe had a few too many,

0:21:510:21:54

then you miss the last historic steam train from the local station.

0:21:540:21:58

What do you do? There's nobody here to help you.

0:21:580:22:00

The signalman sits in his signal box

0:22:000:22:02

staring dispassionately at his chipped thermos flask.

0:22:020:22:05

You crash out. If it's summer, here's a bench,

0:22:050:22:09

here's a nice grassy knoll. You can kip down there.

0:22:090:22:12

Wait for the next train in the morning.

0:22:120:22:14

But what if it's winter? What if it's freezing cold? What if it's raining?

0:22:140:22:20

We think we have an idea.

0:22:200:22:22

You join me in Man Lab's top-secret inflatable novelties department

0:22:220:22:27

where air can be used to sustain anything,

0:22:270:22:30

even a small igloo-like building such as that one.

0:22:300:22:33

We're going to use it for what we call the snore-kel.

0:22:330:22:36

The meaning of this will become clear. Here's a bit of a prototype.

0:22:360:22:39

It's lifejacket technology.

0:22:390:22:41

This is polyurethane held together with seams.

0:22:410:22:45

This is a small valve device with a hand trigger,

0:22:450:22:48

like the one you're supposed to pull after your airliner has ditched in the sea.

0:22:480:22:52

I have in my pocket an air canister.

0:22:520:22:54

This would simply screw into here like so and then...

0:22:540:22:58

I hope I don't let myself down.

0:22:590:23:01

..pull the string and nothing happens.

0:23:010:23:04

Pull the string...

0:23:040:23:06

That, we think, is the basis of a very good night's sleep anywhere.

0:23:150:23:21

WHISTLE BLOWS

0:23:210:23:24

Crivens!

0:23:290:23:30

I've missed the last historic steam train again and it's raining.

0:23:300:23:36

However, this time, I am wearing the snore-kel.

0:23:360:23:39

And to look at it would appear to be a typical coat of the sort

0:23:390:23:42

available from any retailer of clothing to the railway enthusiast.

0:23:420:23:46

But watch this.

0:23:460:23:49

Undo the two pockets.

0:23:490:23:52

Remove the three ripcords.

0:23:520:23:56

And then, very swiftly...

0:23:560:24:00

AIR HISSES

0:24:010:24:03

Lovely.

0:24:190:24:21

The great thing about this is that it can be used in pretty much any situation.

0:24:210:24:25

'Inexplicably sleepy at an adventure playground?

0:24:250:24:29

'Watch your snore-kel inflate like a butterfly leaving the chrysalis.

0:24:310:24:35

'Tight, uncomfortable spaces are transformed into near womb-like levels of comfort.

0:24:370:24:42

'A bottle bank becomes a sought-after open-plan studio.

0:24:460:24:50

'A small wall transforms into a plush orthopaedic bed.

0:24:500:24:55

'And a phone box...

0:24:550:24:57

'..now indistinguishable from a state-of-the-art Hong Kong penthouse.'

0:24:580:25:02

Hello, darling. I'll be home tomorrow. Goodbye.

0:25:020:25:07

'The snore-kel. Enjoy a night under the stars in comfort,

0:25:120:25:15

'safe in the knowledge that no one has any clue that you've been sleeping rough.'

0:25:150:25:20

-Morning.

-Good morning.

0:25:200:25:22

Cor!

0:25:500:25:52

That was one round of the most perilous game of chance known to man, The Beer Hunter.

0:26:090:26:14

And it is, of course, a complete game of chance.

0:26:140:26:17

Do you take the can that's been shaken up or do you not take it?

0:26:170:26:22

Here's a question, one that's concerning us a great deal in Man Lab,

0:26:220:26:26

can you make your own luck in a game of chance?

0:26:260:26:30

Maybe you can. Step this way.

0:26:300:26:32

We're going to talk about something called the Monty Hall Problem,

0:26:320:26:36

named after Monty Hall, the host of an American TV quiz show called Let's Make A Deal.

0:26:360:26:43

Typically, in the show, the winning contestant would be presented

0:26:430:26:47

with three mystery prizes in boxes, you can't see what they are.

0:26:470:26:52

One of them is a good prize, the other two are duff prizes.

0:26:520:26:56

In our case, one of these boxes contains a lovely large slice of gala pie.

0:26:560:27:01

The other two contain a bowl of dreary salad.

0:27:010:27:05

At this point, the game show host says to me...

0:27:050:27:08

Good luck. Pick a box.

0:27:080:27:11

I'm going to say, "I choose box one." And the game show host says...

0:27:110:27:16

You've made your choice.

0:27:160:27:18

I shall now help you out by revealing that in box three

0:27:180:27:21

there is a dreary salad. Now that you've seen that,

0:27:210:27:24

would you like to change your mind?

0:27:240:27:27

Now, at this point, many of you at home, I imagine, will be going,

0:27:270:27:30

"But that's just a 50/50 chance. What can you do about it?"

0:27:300:27:33

But not so. According to game theorists,

0:27:330:27:36

who have been working on this sort of thing since the 1930s,

0:27:360:27:39

I should change my mind and I stand more chance of winning.

0:27:390:27:43

So, yes, please, I would like this box instead.

0:27:430:27:47

-Drum roll.

-Drum roll.

0:27:470:27:49

Ah-ha-ha-ha! Da-da-da-da-da-da!

0:27:490:27:53

I don't get that at all.

0:27:530:27:55

-That is a piece of gala pie.

-That's a piece of pie, you got it right. I don't understand the maths.

0:27:550:28:01

I know what you mean. It doesn't seem to make sense because that box has gone,

0:28:010:28:05

but we know what was in it, so that seems to change the odds.

0:28:050:28:08

But, apparently, and this has been debated for decades

0:28:080:28:11

by statisticians, by PhD mathematicians,

0:28:110:28:15

and it is supposedly true. In that situation,

0:28:150:28:18

you should change your mind.

0:28:180:28:20

So what we're going to do to test the theory

0:28:200:28:22

is play the Monty Hall version of The Beer Hunter.

0:28:220:28:26

Three cans per round, two are explosive, one is safe.

0:28:260:28:31

But, of course, that's not very scientific either.

0:28:310:28:34

The only way we can make this statistically viable is to play 100 rounds.

0:28:340:28:41

MUSIC: "Cavatina" ("The Theme from The Deer Hunter") by Stanley Myers

0:28:410:28:46

So, just to reiterate, each of the 100 rounds of The Beer Hunter

0:28:460:28:51

will feature three tins of beer.

0:28:510:28:53

Two of them will have been banged on the Anvil of Doom by Rory over there.

0:28:530:28:58

Viet Tom will present me with the three tins and I will choose one.

0:28:580:29:03

He will then remove one of the remaining dangerous ones.

0:29:030:29:08

He will offer me the opportunity to change my mind.

0:29:080:29:10

And I'm always going to change my mind,

0:29:100:29:12

meaning Sim is always left with the one remaining tin.

0:29:120:29:16

Helen over there will keep score of how often each one of us buys the farm.

0:29:160:29:21

And if the game theory is correct,

0:29:210:29:23

Simmy should end up covered in more beer than me.

0:29:230:29:25

And now, to set the mood and increase the tension,

0:29:250:29:29

some insect noises from the BBC Sound Archive

0:29:290:29:33

and some artistic camera shots.

0:29:330:29:35

INSECT NOISES

0:29:350:29:39

Most game theorists will predict that Simmy will lose two-thirds of the time,

0:29:390:29:44

or 66.6%, with me only losing one third, or 33.3%.

0:29:440:29:50

Let's see.

0:29:500:29:52

Three cans. I pick one and Tom takes away a dangerous one.

0:29:520:29:57

Are you going to open that one yourself?

0:29:570:30:00

'I then always change my mind and pick the other can,

0:30:030:30:06

'leaving Simmy with the remaining one.

0:30:060:30:10

'Come on, game theory, do your thing.'

0:30:100:30:13

Three, two, one. Fire.

0:30:130:30:16

Noooooooo!

0:30:160:30:19

'Bollocks.'

0:30:190:30:20

So this is why we have to do this properly over 100 rounds

0:30:200:30:23

because one go doesn't prove anything statistically.

0:30:230:30:26

I lost that. I'm dead.

0:30:260:30:29

But, overall, well, let's see.

0:30:290:30:32

Three, two, one.

0:30:380:30:40

Three, two, one. Fire.

0:30:450:30:47

LAUGHS

0:30:470:30:49

'Three rounds in and game theory is beginning to look

0:30:490:30:53

'about as relevant to the real world as The Golden Shot.

0:30:530:30:56

'But then...'

0:30:580:31:00

Ah-ha! Ha-ha!

0:31:070:31:10

'Sergeant Simmy's winning streak has been broken. The game is on.'

0:31:100:31:14

Three, two, one.

0:31:140:31:16

Fire.

0:31:160:31:18

Three, two, one!

0:31:200:31:22

Aaaaarrrghh!

0:31:220:31:23

# There's blood in the streets, it's up to my ankles

0:31:230:31:27

# There's blood in the streets it's up to my knees

0:31:280:31:31

# There's blood in the streets in the town of Chicago... #

0:31:320:31:35

LAUGHTER

0:31:350:31:37

Oh, my God!

0:31:370:31:40

# Just about the break of day... #

0:31:410:31:44

Ohhh!

0:31:440:31:45

# She came and then she drove away... #

0:31:460:31:49

Just to be absolutely clear, this is a pure experiment.

0:31:490:31:52

I can't see what they're doing. I'm not cheating. I don't look when I choose the tin.

0:31:520:31:56

This is absolutely a statistical experiment.

0:31:560:31:59

And the score is, Simmy has died 28 times to my nine.

0:31:590:32:04

-Argh!

-Oh!

0:32:050:32:07

Halfway through The Beer Hunter.

0:32:080:32:11

LAUGHS

0:32:110:32:13

'It was at this point that things started to get a little strange.'

0:32:150:32:19

INSECT AND BIRD NOISES

0:32:200:32:22

'What we didn't realise was that,

0:32:250:32:27

'although we weren't actually drinking the beer,

0:32:270:32:30

'the sheer amount of CO2 released from the cans into our sweaty tent

0:32:300:32:34

'was giving everyone low-grade hypercapnia,

0:32:340:32:37

'or carbon dioxide poisoning.

0:32:370:32:39

'Do not try this kind of mathematical research at home

0:32:390:32:42

'or in a pound-shop mock-up of Vietnam.

0:32:420:32:45

'Thoughts of game theory and clever number crunching had fallen away.

0:32:450:32:49

'Our clothes dripped with beer, our fingers, shrivelled and wrinkled,

0:32:490:32:53

'fumbled with soft nails at ceaseless ring pulls.

0:32:530:32:56

'Pneumonia had taken Simmy.'

0:32:560:32:59

HE SNEEZES

0:32:590:33:00

'Collateral damage was everywhere.

0:33:000:33:03

'The horror. The horror.'

0:33:030:33:07

# This is the end... #

0:33:070:33:09

-Five rounds left.

-# Beautiful friend

0:33:090:33:13

# This is the end

0:33:160:33:20

# My only friend, the end

0:33:200:33:24

# Of our elaborate plans, the end

0:33:240:33:29

# Of everything that stands, the end #

0:33:310:33:36

Come on! Ah! Ah!

0:33:360:33:39

60-39. What does that mean?

0:33:390:33:43

SIMMY LAUGHS

0:33:430:33:44

Final round, gentlemen. Final round.

0:33:440:33:47

Two, one, fire.

0:33:540:33:56

ALL SHOUT

0:33:560:33:58

'Despite our escape attempt, the final point would have been to me.'

0:34:010:34:04

So the final score, Simmy dies 60 times,

0:34:040:34:09

I've died 40 times, meaning what?

0:34:090:34:14

LAUGHTER

0:34:140:34:17

That there...

0:34:170:34:19

Cut.

0:34:190:34:21

LAUGHTER

0:34:210:34:23

'Four hot baths later and with therapy for post-alcoholic stress disorder pending,

0:34:230:34:28

'we tried once more to figure out the maths.'

0:34:280:34:31

Here is a theory that Tom and I have come up with.

0:34:310:34:33

And this is after a great deal of heated debate.

0:34:330:34:37

Let's say I choose this can,

0:34:370:34:40

there's a 33% chance that that is the safe one,

0:34:400:34:45

and there's a 66% chance that the safe one is in those two.

0:34:450:34:49

But this is where it all becomes a bit corrupted because Viet Tom,

0:34:490:34:53

the game show host, comes in to remove a can

0:34:530:34:55

but he has to remove a dangerous one, let's say it's that one.

0:34:550:34:59

Now, of course, that one could be dangerous as well

0:34:590:35:02

but there's now a 50/50 chance that that is the safe one.

0:35:020:35:07

Somehow, 17% of the odds disappear with that can

0:35:070:35:10

because Tom has to take a dangerous one.

0:35:100:35:14

So I should swap from my original 33% chance to my new 50% chance.

0:35:140:35:20

And the amazing thing is, if you extrapolate the ratio 50 to 33,

0:35:200:35:25

you arrive at 60 to 39.6,

0:35:250:35:29

or only 0.4 adrift from the result we got.

0:35:290:35:33

That's less than half a tin of beer out

0:35:330:35:36

from what our theory would predict.

0:35:360:35:39

So if you are a proper statistician,

0:35:390:35:41

please do not write to us on [email protected]

0:35:410:35:44

because our brains hurt very badly already.

0:35:440:35:47

But I think something we have demonstrated is that luck itself is not to be trusted.

0:35:470:35:51

As the American author R E Shay said,

0:35:510:35:54

"Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will,

0:35:540:35:57

"but remember it didn't work for the rabbit."

0:35:570:36:01

Now, here is a problem encountered by modern man everywhere.

0:36:080:36:12

You are abroad. Let's say you're in Tokyo.

0:36:120:36:15

You don't speak Japanese but that's not a problem

0:36:150:36:18

because you've bought this very handy Japanese phrase book.

0:36:180:36:21

Let's imagine I'm at the station.

0:36:210:36:23

I want to know what time the next train is and which platform it goes from.

0:36:230:36:27

Fortunately enough, that very phrase is in my Japanese book

0:36:270:36:31

and it tells me phonetically how I say it in Japanese.

0:36:310:36:35

And more to the point, here is a helpful Japanese man I can ask.

0:36:350:36:40

SPEAKS JAPANESE

0:36:420:36:44

REPLIES IN JAPANESE

0:36:480:36:50

And there you see the problem.

0:36:550:36:58

I don't understand what he's saying because I can't speak Japanese.

0:36:580:37:03

The very reason the phrase book existed in the first place

0:37:030:37:06

is the reason it's completely redundant.

0:37:060:37:08

Domo arigato.

0:37:080:37:10

# I said, "Do you speak-a my language?"

0:37:100:37:14

# He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich... #

0:37:140:37:18

Our linguistic mission was launched when we discovered that research into chimps shows that language

0:37:180:37:24

as we know it today evolved out of gestures.

0:37:240:37:27

Chimps have a wide range of meanings that come from gestures.

0:37:270:37:31

An attempt to teach one actual sign language in the '60s,

0:37:310:37:34

resulted in it having a vocabulary of over 200 words.

0:37:340:37:38

So the first human words were, in fact, movements and not sounds.

0:37:380:37:42

And that got us thinking.

0:37:420:37:44

Everybody in the world knows that that means, "Give me a ring."

0:37:440:37:48

This means, "The bill, please." This means money.

0:37:480:37:51

This means, "Let's eat."

0:37:510:37:53

So, is there a universally understood sign language

0:37:530:37:57

that could be available to everyone?

0:37:570:37:59

Is there an Esperanto of body language

0:37:590:38:03

so that we can demolish the Tower of Babel for ever? Let's find out.

0:38:030:38:08

'This is Richard and Judi. Richard Knight is a professional mime artist

0:38:080:38:13

'and Judi James is a psychologist who specialises in body language.

0:38:130:38:17

'Over the rest of the day, they help us develop our revolutionary new silent language.'

0:38:170:38:23

Get rid of what you know in your head and start from a blank canvas.

0:38:230:38:27

So you need to do it on their map of the world rather than yours.

0:38:270:38:30

You know that you want an apple but you've got to make them understand

0:38:300:38:33

what would they see as a signal for an apple.

0:38:330:38:36

'It should be stressed that we're not trying to do sign language, which isn't international.

0:38:360:38:41

'There are not only different sign languages for different countries,

0:38:410:38:45

'it also relies heavily on spelling words out.

0:38:450:38:48

'Whereas, our language is purely gesture-based.'

0:38:480:38:51

Basically, it's doing one thing at a time. Even the body says one thing.

0:38:510:38:55

Like the whole body's surprised. But it's one thing.

0:38:550:38:58

It's like going, "Surprise," then go straight into something else.

0:38:580:39:01

Make sure you eliminate everything else that it isn't.

0:39:010:39:04

If you grab like an apple, you want to eliminate that it's not a peach or pear or something.

0:39:040:39:09

So I might want to rub it first.

0:39:090:39:12

'We spent hours watching Richard and Judi.

0:39:120:39:15

'But in order to see if our silent language would be a success,

0:39:150:39:18

'we needed a way of testing it in the field.

0:39:180:39:20

'And what better place to try out our universal language solution

0:39:200:39:24

'than somewhere that spends over a billion pounds a year

0:39:240:39:28

'on interpreters and translation...'

0:39:280:39:30

Brussels.

0:39:300:39:32

More specifically, here at the European Parliament,

0:39:320:39:35

where the leaders of our great nations gather to misunderstand each other.

0:39:350:39:40

Here you can see the exact problem we're dealing with.

0:39:400:39:43

The same simple thing said over and over and over again,

0:39:430:39:47

23 times, just slightly differently.

0:39:470:39:51

Let's see if we can take the first tentative steps

0:39:510:39:54

towards universal understanding.

0:39:540:39:58

'This is Guy from the Man Lab. He's armed with phrase books.

0:39:580:40:02

'I'm armed with the new Man Lab Universal Silent Language, or MUSL.

0:40:020:40:06

'In order to test it, we've been given a list of four tourist spots

0:40:060:40:10

'to reach in a sort of race for comprehension across the city.'

0:40:100:40:14

Here's how it works. It's a sort of time trial, a bit like the Isle of Man TT.

0:40:140:40:18

I will be given the first destination, no idea what it is yet.

0:40:180:40:22

I'm given a ten-minute head start.

0:40:220:40:24

Then Guy is given it and he sets off using his phrase books.

0:40:240:40:27

At the end of the race, we'll see who's taken the least time to get around

0:40:270:40:32

and who's taken the least time on each stage.

0:40:320:40:34

So we have a series of results we can manipulate to show that mine is better.

0:40:340:40:39

Are you ready, Guy?

0:40:390:40:41

-Oui.

-Good. Let's begin.

0:40:440:40:47

'Our first place to get directions for

0:40:470:40:50

'is the Belgium Natural History Museum,

0:40:500:40:52

'distinctive for this rather ferocious Iguanodon guarding the entrance.'

0:40:520:40:57

TRANSLATED FROM FRENCH:

0:41:040:41:06

'I'm trying to remember Richard and Judi's advice

0:41:190:41:22

'of doing one clear gesture at a time.'

0:41:220:41:24

'But the grand unveiling of MUSL

0:41:240:41:26

'isn't going as smoothly as I'd hoped.'

0:41:260:41:28

'I don't see what's so tricky to understand.'

0:41:410:41:43

'It's clearly the universal Iguanodon gesture.'

0:41:430:41:47

-Sort of Michael Jackson. A wolf?

-A statue.

0:41:480:41:51

Statue of a monster or a lion, like on a flag or something? No? OK.

0:41:510:41:57

'I've picked the wrong single gesture to focus on

0:41:570:41:59

'or, as Judi would say, I'm not getting into their heads

0:41:590:42:02

'and picturing how THEY would describe this.

0:42:020:42:05

'Time to re-group.'

0:42:050:42:07

-There's a museum of dinosaurs.

-Oh, yeah, it's round there.

-Thanks.

0:42:070:42:10

'So the first test of the Man Lab Universal Silent Language

0:42:100:42:14

'is an unmitigated disaster.

0:42:140:42:17

'Can the phrase book do any better?'

0:42:170:42:19

GUY SPEAKS HALTING FRENCH

0:42:190:42:21

'Yes, it can. Guy will probably be fired after this challenge is over

0:42:290:42:34

'and I'm going to have to refine my approach drastically if I'm going to pull this back.

0:42:340:42:39

'Destination two is the Belgian Comic Strip Center,

0:42:390:42:42

'home to Brussels' most famous investigative man boy, Tintin.

0:42:420:42:46

'I find a lady who can't run away from me

0:42:460:42:48

'as she's apparently been glued to this step since 2005.'

0:42:480:42:51

'I have another go.

0:42:510:42:53

'I'm going to try Richard's method of describing one thing at a time.

0:42:530:42:57

'So, comic book.

0:42:570:43:00

'Pointy hair.

0:43:010:43:03

'Little dog. And, suddenly, a break through.'

0:43:040:43:09

Bye.

0:43:180:43:20

'It's the first real success for the Man Lab Universal Silent Language.

0:43:200:43:24

'But it took me a whopping five-and-a-half minutes to get there.

0:43:240:43:27

'Hot on my heels, team phrase book.'

0:43:270:43:30

Tintin.

0:43:300:43:32

-Oui.

-Oui. Er...

0:43:330:43:36

Tres bien. Merci. Merci beaucoup.

0:43:450:43:47

'Guy spends the next five minutes wandering around,

0:43:480:43:52

'as he has no idea what "A cote de la Grand Place" means.

0:43:520:43:55

'But he still manages to get to the Belgian Comic Strip Center before me

0:43:550:43:59

'despite my ten-minute head start.

0:43:590:44:01

'Next up, the Magritte Museum.

0:44:010:44:03

'Your one-stop shop for bowler-hatted businessmen

0:44:030:44:06

'floating in the sky and pipes that are not a pipe.'

0:44:060:44:08

Direction...

0:44:090:44:11

'It's Magritte, Guy.'

0:44:200:44:21

'So far, the phrase book has been reasonably faultless

0:44:240:44:27

'but it does fall down when you start asking for places that don't exist.'

0:44:270:44:31

Art... Matisse?

0:44:310:44:34

Tres bien paintings.

0:44:340:44:35

Matisse.

0:44:350:44:37

Tres old.

0:44:380:44:41

Ah, si! Ah, oui, oui! Oui, oui!

0:44:410:44:44

Museum of Magritte. Magritte.

0:44:440:44:48

LAUGHTER

0:44:580:45:00

Je... Je...

0:45:000:45:03

'After six minutes, team phrase book finally gets the goods.'

0:45:050:45:09

Merci beaucoup.

0:45:090:45:12

Au revoir.

0:45:120:45:14

'So the first cracks are starting to show in the phrase book.

0:45:140:45:18

'On the other hand, MUSL was finally starting to find its feet.'

0:45:180:45:22

# But there's silence here instead

0:45:220:45:24

# We just want to talk, you can never talk enough

0:45:240:45:31

# But we can't even talk no more

0:45:310:45:34

# So how we supposed to love...? #

0:45:340:45:39

'Sorted.

0:46:360:46:39

'Despite proving that multicultured gesture conversations are possible

0:46:390:46:43

'and the way forward for the future, team phrase book is in the lead,

0:46:430:46:46

'having reached the Magritte Museum. Now Guy needs directions to the final destination.

0:46:460:46:51

'The most famous statue in Brussels, the literally named Manneken Pis.'

0:46:510:46:56

Looking for, er...

0:47:020:47:04

Ja, ja, ja.

0:47:070:47:09

-The jungen pis?

-Da. Da.

0:47:130:47:17

'I may be lagging behind but, while the phrase book is descending into increasing gibberish,

0:47:170:47:21

'the Man Lab Universal Silent Language is becoming more streamlined than ever.'

0:47:210:47:26

Oh, you would like to... Ah, Manneken Pis.

0:47:270:47:30

Manneken Pis is, um...

0:47:300:47:34

I think it's this direction in the centre. You should go down here.

0:47:360:47:41

'As I race like a tongueless stallion towards the small urinating child,

0:47:410:47:45

'I'm under no illusions that I've got no hope of catching up with Guy.

0:47:450:47:49

'But that's almost irrelevant.

0:47:490:47:51

'The fact is, that after some refining, the universal language mime does work

0:47:510:47:55

'and we can finally all be united under one...

0:47:550:47:58

'Well, hang on, where is Guy?'

0:47:580:48:01

-Congratulations, James.

-Thank you very much.

-You made it.

-And Guy's not here.

-No.

0:48:010:48:05

If Guy takes more than ten minutes to turn up, officially, I've won,

0:48:050:48:10

and that'll be a triumph for the single European mime, or the...

0:48:100:48:14

And let's be honest, this has been one afternoon's experiment.

0:48:200:48:23

New words take decades, even centuries, to emerge,

0:48:230:48:27

and we have already arrived at universally internationally recognised symbols

0:48:270:48:32

for a dinosaur and a small urinating statue.

0:48:320:48:36

That's a triumph.

0:48:360:48:38

'Nine minutes and 50 seconds later and Guy is still looking for the boy's piss.'

0:48:380:48:43

# And tenement halls

0:48:440:48:46

# And whispered in

0:48:460:48:50

# The sounds of silence. #

0:48:500:48:55

Man Lab's newly formed humanitarian charity

0:49:070:49:10

has been hard at work in the Oxfordshire town of Abingdon,

0:49:100:49:14

hoping to feed the starving masses.

0:49:140:49:16

So now let's go and see how Bunned Aid is getting on.

0:49:160:49:20

'Earlier on in the show, we were approached by the right honourable

0:49:240:49:27

'council of Abingdon, whose traditional bun-throwing ceremony

0:49:270:49:31

'for the Queen's jubilee was in danger of leaving its citizens both hot and cross.'

0:49:310:49:35

The amount of buns that actually make it to the back, about one or two.

0:49:350:49:40

'Our mission was to find a way to launch buns from the roof

0:49:400:49:43

'of the town hall to reach the peasant masses in the square below.

0:49:430:49:47

'Even the lazy ne'er do wells at the back.

0:49:470:49:49

'After a few false starts with bun-delivery systems...'

0:49:490:49:52

Buns gone.

0:49:520:49:54

'..we finally had a bun-blasting armoury that was a match for the braying and starving proletariat.'

0:49:560:50:01

JAMES LAUGHS

0:50:010:50:05

'As morning dawns on the day of the jubilee, though,

0:50:050:50:07

'there's just one thing we hadn't considered.

0:50:070:50:10

'It's chucking it down.'

0:50:100:50:13

And so you join me in Abingdon town square on a glorious June 3rd 2012.

0:50:130:50:19

As I'm sure you can see, royal fervour is all around me.

0:50:190:50:23

The town is almost at breaking point. What a glorious day.

0:50:230:50:27

In honour of both Her Majesty and the British weather,

0:50:270:50:30

I've worn this uniform of red, white and grey.

0:50:300:50:34

60 years on the throne, long to reign over us.

0:50:340:50:38

'If this rain keeps up, it won't matter if our bun launchers can reach the back of the square.

0:50:400:50:45

'There may be nobody down there to fire them at.

0:50:450:50:49

'But as the first soggy jubilee celebrators start to trickle in,

0:50:490:50:52

'morale remains patriotically high. This is a town

0:50:520:50:56

'that's hungry for buns.'

0:50:560:50:58

Moved from Bristol to Oxfordshire, heard about the bun fight.

0:50:580:51:01

Just met the man himself, James May, fantastic.

0:51:010:51:04

Waiting to see how far they project those buns.

0:51:040:51:06

If I catch one today, I'll go mad.

0:51:060:51:09

Boast about it loads. Go absolutely mental.

0:51:090:51:12

This is the highlight of the whole weekend.

0:51:120:51:15

The bun throwing, that is what we're here for.

0:51:150:51:17

Last year, we came to try and catch a bun, didn't manage it.

0:51:170:51:20

Royal wedding, big disaster for us. This year, we'll catch a bun.

0:51:200:51:23

It's personal, it's vengeance and we're going to take that bun home. It will be a glorious moment.

0:51:230:51:29

If I catch a bun, hopefully, I'll be the envy of everyone

0:51:290:51:32

because I'll be amazing at catching buns.

0:51:320:51:35

'This is it. Crowd or no,

0:51:350:51:37

'a delivery of 7,000 buns means the stage is set.

0:51:370:51:41

'On the rooftops, a lone pigeon scout

0:51:410:51:44

'stands watchful for the oncoming barrage of crumbs.

0:51:440:51:47

'In the streets, security guards carry giant oven grills for torturing Roundheads.

0:51:470:51:52

'Just a few days ago, the town square looked like this.

0:51:520:51:55

'Today, on the jubilee of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II,

0:51:550:51:59

'1926 to unknown,

0:51:590:52:01

'it looks like this.'

0:52:010:52:03

This then is what makes Britain truly great.

0:52:130:52:17

Yes, we have our Queen, long may she reign over us.

0:52:170:52:20

And we have our pageantry and our parks and our great buildings.

0:52:200:52:24

But, most of all, we have the capacity of the British people

0:52:240:52:27

to stand in the pouring rain waiting to be pelted with a currant confectionery,

0:52:270:52:31

the meaning of which is deeply buried in the Judeo-Christian tradition.

0:52:310:52:36

People who, every five minutes, turn their eyes skywards and say,

0:52:360:52:39

"Do you know what? I think it's brightening up."

0:52:390:52:42

'On the roof, the Abingdon town council battalion readies its first assault.

0:52:440:52:49

'The thousand-strong crowd means

0:52:510:52:53

'that the small and weak are stuck at the back.'

0:52:530:52:56

-The buns are in hand.

-They're coming.

0:53:040:53:07

'And then, without warning or battle cry,

0:53:070:53:10

'the throwing begins.'

0:53:100:53:12

CHEERING

0:53:120:53:15

'It's a valiant attempt, but nowhere near enough.'

0:53:200:53:25

'Even the council's most experienced bun handlers are fumbling their aim

0:53:250:53:29

'and vast swathes of jubileers at the back aren't getting anything.

0:53:290:53:32

'Time for the hot crossbow.'

0:53:360:53:40

-Stand clear.

-James, where are we going?

0:53:400:53:43

-Right, down there.

-Where?

-To your left,

0:53:430:53:46

there's a miserable-looking woman, hasn't got a single bun.

0:53:460:53:50

Fire at will.

0:53:530:53:56

Yeah!

0:54:010:54:02

That got a cheer. Reload.

0:54:020:54:04

'The hot crossbow dropped a bun benefit right into the hands of the needy.'

0:54:040:54:09

He's desperate for a bun, that bloke.

0:54:110:54:14

His head is like a skull, Simmy, you've got to get him.

0:54:140:54:16

Yes, sir.

0:54:160:54:18

-Got him?

-Yeah.

0:54:180:54:20

Wait for it, skull face. Here it comes. Fire.

0:54:200:54:24

'It's a near miss. But with a crowd this huge, we can't afford to make mistakes.

0:54:270:54:32

'And, as we feared, the hot crossbow is just taking too long to fire off single shots.'

0:54:320:54:37

Sod it! Let's turn the mortar round and fire at that lot.

0:54:390:54:42

-Ready!

-Load the bunderbuss.

0:54:420:54:44

'As Simmy readies the bunderbuss mortar, I pull out

0:54:440:54:48

'our special bun ammunition, printed with the faces of the entire royal succession.'

0:54:480:54:53

Prince Charles.

0:54:530:54:55

'And, as it's her jubilee, a few extra queens.'

0:54:550:54:58

Harry, right down the barrel.

0:54:580:55:01

Building pressure.

0:55:010:55:03

-Say when.

-Fire!

0:55:030:55:05

Wey-hey!

0:55:050:55:07

-Catch it!

-Oh!

0:55:070:55:10

I got one!

0:55:100:55:14

Browns in the spout.

0:55:150:55:17

'This is more like it. The bunderbuss is firing off

0:55:170:55:20

a baker's dozen once every 15 seconds.'

0:55:200:55:23

-Lower elevation. We might get those people in the window on the opposite side of the square.

-Fantastic.

0:55:240:55:29

Fire! Fire! Fire!

0:55:290:55:33

Rory, find us some starving urchins.

0:55:330:55:36

'They'll do.'

0:55:360:55:37

Breech closed. Pressure. Loaded.

0:55:370:55:40

Stand clear. Fire in the hole!

0:55:400:55:43

Spot on.

0:55:450:55:47

You got one. You got one.

0:55:480:55:51

You got the bun.

0:55:520:55:54

'But like a hot cross hydra,

0:55:550:55:57

'for every satisfied bun gobbler we fire at,

0:55:570:56:01

'another ten crop up in their place.

0:56:010:56:03

'The mortar is doing its best but like a plague

0:56:030:56:06

'of royalist currant-loving zombies, the siege keeps coming.

0:56:060:56:10

'Time to wheel out the big gun.'

0:56:100:56:13

We've had the bunderbuss, we've had the hot crossbow.

0:56:130:56:17

Would you please welcome Sim's secret weapon, the machine bun.

0:56:170:56:22

'Yes, Simmy has created the ultimate advancement in bakery ballistics.

0:56:220:56:27

'Slamming together a drainpipe, steel frame

0:56:270:56:29

'and a backpack-mounted leaf blower, before carrying it

0:56:290:56:32

'very carefully up the 108 antique wooden town hall steps to the roof.

0:56:320:56:36

'Taking care not to chip the paintwork. This is war.'

0:56:360:56:40

Cheers for the weapon!

0:56:400:56:42

Left a bit, left a bit, left a bit.

0:56:420:56:44

You have to hold it.

0:56:440:56:46

'Right. Take this.'

0:56:460:56:49

Bun in!

0:56:490:56:51

MUSIC: "God Save The Queen"

0:56:510:56:54

That's it!

0:57:170:57:19

Are we out of buns?

0:57:190:57:21

I'm out!

0:57:210:57:23

'Sim is like a messiah. With just 7,000 buns,

0:57:240:57:29

'he seems to have fed 5,000 people.

0:57:290:57:31

'But had it worked?'

0:57:310:57:34

-Yes, we've got buns.

-I've got a bun.

0:57:340:57:36

I got, I think, three normal buns.

0:57:360:57:39

And one Prince, whatever his name, Prince Andrew I caught.

0:57:390:57:44

We caught quite a few buns today.

0:57:440:57:47

Glorious moment. Worth standing in the rain for that.

0:57:470:57:52

A glittering memorable day, full of golden memories of glory.

0:57:530:57:58

60 years on the throne. 7,000 buns.

0:57:580:58:02

And the people of Abingdon have eaten.

0:58:020:58:05

What more could this great nation ask for?

0:58:050:58:09

Well, I thought that was a triumphant edition of Man Lab.

0:58:130:58:17

We've conquered time, we've broken down the great European language barrier

0:58:170:58:21

and we fed the starving of Oxfordshire.

0:58:210:58:24

So it seems only right that we have a triumphant bell ending.

0:58:240:58:28

Here to play us out with Theme From Man Lab,

0:58:280:58:31

it's the Stone Handbell Ringers. Goodbye.

0:58:310:58:36

THEY PLAY THE MAN LAB THEME MUSIC

0:58:380:58:41

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:490:58:52

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