Episode 3 Don't Tell the Bride

This programme contains some strong language

You can't beat a good wedding. Whether it's Will and Kate or little old me getting hitched last year...

-I, Cherry...

-I, Cherry....

-..take you, Roly...

-..take you, Roly...

-..to be my husband.

-..to be my husband.

And weddings don't come any more dramatic

than right here on Don't Tell The Bride.

-I'm not coming.

-Please, I love you.

Where we give one bloke 12 grand

to organise the biggest day of his bride-to-be's life.

What could possibly go wrong?

On one condition - he does it all on his lonesome ownsome.

-I don't know what she wants.

-This is hell on earth.

The lady gets no say in the big day...

-Bitterly disappointed.

-..so all she can expect...

What?

SCREAMING

..is the unexpected.

That's brilliant!

Oh, Nath!

Get ready for an emotional rollercoaster ride...

Get me on the phone, I'll tell him what a bitch is.

-..as we remember the ups...

-BOTH: Yes!

-..and downs of our gallant grooms...

-Oops.

-Oh, my God!

-..and their blushing brides.

I'm going to kill him!

The laughter...

..the tears...

I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it.

..and the soppy snogs.

I woke up after my hen night with a dwarf chained to my ankle.

-We never did find the key. You all right, Barry?

-Fine, thanks.

Now, planning a wedding isn't easy, but if keeping the bride happy

and staying sober enough to talk seem hard,

the planning does at least allow our boys to get creative

and show off some of their other skills.

Sadly, most of them don't have any other skills, unlike Barry,

who does an amazing elephant impression.

Not now, Barry.

First up, Colin's Willy Wonka wedding cake.

-"Add half a pint of water, mix..."

-Add it all in.

Basically, put it all in. Just bung it in son.

It's a foolproof recipe.

Just pour, mix...

Would you be able to put that in for us?

..and give it to the head chef to cook.

-20 minutes.

-That's my big cake. Don't burn it.

It's midnight and their cake has risen.

-You got it?

-Now, they just have to decorate it.

-That's not bad, that! That is not bad.

-Right.

I bet Willy Wonka didn't get his hands dirty.

This is a bad idea, this.

-Gently.

-Bit of a mess of a wedding cake, this.

This is a disaster.

"Place the cake in the middle of the cake board

"putting cut side onto the board."

Colin, what are we doing?

Don't worry, mate, we'll pull it off.

"Cover the outside of the cake with a thin layer of frosting."

-Yeah, mate, that's what you do!

-Oh, my God!

No, you're breaking it on top! I'm not happy, man!

-It's, like, minging.

-Have we got jam and everything?

We should have bought a cake.

The boys even have ready-made icing.

Michael Jackson!

They can't go wrong...

It's broke.

The icing is normally put OVER the cake, Colin.

No, not big enough.

Aw, what?!

Fuck's sake, man.

The base of Colin's cake is now stuck to his icing.

-No, it's breaking like fuck.

-Just give up.

-Just give up.

-Yeah!

It's one o'clock in the morning, we're trying to bake a cake,

but it doesn't seem to have happened.

Taa-daah!

State of that on the top, mate.

-Mm, cake, anyone?

-Yeah!

Mitch made his own pirate-themed invites.

Not so much pieces of eight, more pieces of crap.

-James, it's your mother-in-law.

-Oh, hello mother-in-law.

Hello, James.

-Now, when are these invites likely to arrive?

-Er, soon.

The sooner they're out, I would appreciate it.

Cool. Don't worry about it, Jan, I'm making them tonight

and probably going through the night.

-Lovely.

-Nice one.

-Take care.

I've got to send of these invites

and fill people in on what's going on.

If he's having to make them,

then he could be running very low on the budget.

-How much making is he going to do?

-I don't know.

Quite a lot, as it goes.

I like to think of myself as a bit of perfectionist

with stuff like arts and crafts kind of things anyway,

so I'm going to make sure they look OK.

'Nothing to worry about.'

The end of the evening, you'll say, "James, you've done a good job."

-I really, truly hope that I will.

-Well, I do too because, you know...

-Otherwise I'm going to break his kneecaps.

-Yeah.

Washable finger paint!

-He lets my daughter down, God help him.

-No, he won't, I'm sure he won't.

Fish, seashell, absolutely perfect.

Pirates!

Ugh!

Come the next morning, the riotous clash of pirates,

surfboards and lovebirds is complete.

Oh, God!

I stayed up until four in the morning finishing off,

but I think it's looking worthwhile, you know?

Sterling effort, Mitch.

You could always make a video like Dan did. Why not?

Here's why not.

We need to have a good balance, don't we,

-of like niceness as well as cheesiness.

-Yeah.

I haven't seen him for three weeks,

so it would be a nice little tribute to him.

-A nice tribute to Mark in a way that is fitting to you.

-Yeah.

Cheesy, trashy and camp.

-THEY LAUGH

-Love it.

-Sit up.

-# I need a hero... #

Mark may not be there but at least his head is.

Make that two...

Steve, arm. He's got to be strong.

# He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast

# And he's got to be fresh from the fight...

Yes, that's brilliant.

# I'm holding on for a hero till the morning light

# He's got to be strong It's got to be soon

# And he's got to be larger than life

# Larger than life...

Director Charlie's creative concept -

love songs from Dan to Mark.

# Left a good job in the city

# Workin' for the man every night and day

# And I never lost one minute of sleepin'

# Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been

# Big wheel keep on turnin'

# Proud Mary keep on burnin'

# Rollin', rollin'

# Rollin' on the river...

You can't fault their enthusiasm.

# Rollin'

# Rollin' on the river... #

# The river Do, do, do

# Do, do, do, do Do, do, do, do

# All right Yeah

# All right

# Uh-huh. #

Cool, let's go. That's a wrap.

# Oh, hold your head high

# Hold on

# Arms open wide

# Yeah, the world starts to come alive

# When you stay close to me

# Today this could be the greatest day of our lives. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd