Episode 3 Don't Tell the Bride


Episode 3

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This programme contains some strong language

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You can't beat a good wedding. Whether it's Will and Kate or little old me getting hitched last year...

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-I, Cherry...

-I, Cherry....

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-..take you, Roly...

-..take you, Roly...

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-..to be my husband.

-..to be my husband.

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And weddings don't come any more dramatic

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than right here on Don't Tell The Bride.

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-I'm not coming.

-Please, I love you.

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Where we give one bloke 12 grand

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to organise the biggest day of his bride-to-be's life.

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What could possibly go wrong?

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On one condition - he does it all on his lonesome ownsome.

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-I don't know what she wants.

-This is hell on earth.

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The lady gets no say in the big day...

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-Bitterly disappointed.

-..so all she can expect...

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What?

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SCREAMING

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..is the unexpected.

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That's brilliant!

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Oh, Nath!

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Get ready for an emotional rollercoaster ride...

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Get me on the phone, I'll tell him what a bitch is.

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-..as we remember the ups...

-BOTH: Yes!

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-..and downs of our gallant grooms...

-Oops.

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-Oh, my God!

-..and their blushing brides.

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I'm going to kill him!

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The laughter...

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..the tears...

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I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it.

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..and the soppy snogs.

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I woke up after my hen night with a dwarf chained to my ankle.

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-We never did find the key. You all right, Barry?

-Fine, thanks.

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Now, planning a wedding isn't easy, but if keeping the bride happy

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and staying sober enough to talk seem hard,

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the planning does at least allow our boys to get creative

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and show off some of their other skills.

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Sadly, most of them don't have any other skills, unlike Barry,

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who does an amazing elephant impression.

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Not now, Barry.

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First up, Colin's Willy Wonka wedding cake.

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-"Add half a pint of water, mix..."

-Add it all in.

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Basically, put it all in. Just bung it in son.

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It's a foolproof recipe.

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Just pour, mix...

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Would you be able to put that in for us?

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..and give it to the head chef to cook.

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-20 minutes.

-That's my big cake. Don't burn it.

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It's midnight and their cake has risen.

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-You got it?

-Now, they just have to decorate it.

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-That's not bad, that! That is not bad.

-Right.

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I bet Willy Wonka didn't get his hands dirty.

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This is a bad idea, this.

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-Gently.

-Bit of a mess of a wedding cake, this.

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This is a disaster.

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"Place the cake in the middle of the cake board

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"putting cut side onto the board."

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Colin, what are we doing?

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Don't worry, mate, we'll pull it off.

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"Cover the outside of the cake with a thin layer of frosting."

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-Yeah, mate, that's what you do!

-Oh, my God!

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No, you're breaking it on top! I'm not happy, man!

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-It's, like, minging.

-Have we got jam and everything?

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We should have bought a cake.

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The boys even have ready-made icing.

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Michael Jackson!

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They can't go wrong...

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It's broke.

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The icing is normally put OVER the cake, Colin.

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No, not big enough.

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Aw, what?!

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Fuck's sake, man.

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The base of Colin's cake is now stuck to his icing.

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-No, it's breaking like fuck.

-Just give up.

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-Just give up.

-Yeah!

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It's one o'clock in the morning, we're trying to bake a cake,

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but it doesn't seem to have happened.

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Taa-daah!

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State of that on the top, mate.

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-Mm, cake, anyone?

-Yeah!

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Mitch made his own pirate-themed invites.

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Not so much pieces of eight, more pieces of crap.

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-James, it's your mother-in-law.

-Oh, hello mother-in-law.

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Hello, James.

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-Now, when are these invites likely to arrive?

-Er, soon.

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The sooner they're out, I would appreciate it.

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Cool. Don't worry about it, Jan, I'm making them tonight

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and probably going through the night.

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-Lovely.

-Nice one.

-Take care.

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I've got to send of these invites

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and fill people in on what's going on.

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If he's having to make them,

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then he could be running very low on the budget.

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-How much making is he going to do?

-I don't know.

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Quite a lot, as it goes.

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I like to think of myself as a bit of perfectionist

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with stuff like arts and crafts kind of things anyway,

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so I'm going to make sure they look OK.

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'Nothing to worry about.'

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The end of the evening, you'll say, "James, you've done a good job."

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-I really, truly hope that I will.

-Well, I do too because, you know...

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-Otherwise I'm going to break his kneecaps.

-Yeah.

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Washable finger paint!

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-He lets my daughter down, God help him.

-No, he won't, I'm sure he won't.

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Fish, seashell, absolutely perfect.

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Pirates!

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Ugh!

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Come the next morning, the riotous clash of pirates,

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surfboards and lovebirds is complete.

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Oh, God!

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I stayed up until four in the morning finishing off,

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but I think it's looking worthwhile, you know?

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Sterling effort, Mitch.

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You could always make a video like Dan did. Why not?

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Here's why not.

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We need to have a good balance, don't we,

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-of like niceness as well as cheesiness.

-Yeah.

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I haven't seen him for three weeks,

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so it would be a nice little tribute to him.

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-A nice tribute to Mark in a way that is fitting to you.

-Yeah.

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Cheesy, trashy and camp.

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-THEY LAUGH

-Love it.

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-Sit up.

-# I need a hero... #

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Mark may not be there but at least his head is.

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Make that two...

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Steve, arm. He's got to be strong.

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# He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast

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# And he's got to be fresh from the fight...

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Yes, that's brilliant.

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# I'm holding on for a hero till the morning light

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# He's got to be strong It's got to be soon

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# And he's got to be larger than life

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# Larger than life...

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Director Charlie's creative concept -

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love songs from Dan to Mark.

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# Left a good job in the city

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# Workin' for the man every night and day

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# And I never lost one minute of sleepin'

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# Worryin' 'bout the way things might have been

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# Big wheel keep on turnin'

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# Proud Mary keep on burnin'

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# Rollin', rollin'

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# Rollin' on the river...

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You can't fault their enthusiasm.

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# Rollin'

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# Rollin' on the river... #

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# The river Do, do, do

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# Do, do, do, do Do, do, do, do

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# All right Yeah

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# All right

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# Uh-huh. #

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Cool, let's go. That's a wrap.

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# Oh, hold your head high

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# Hold on

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# Arms open wide

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# Yeah, the world starts to come alive

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# When you stay close to me

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# Today this could be the greatest day of our lives. #

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