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This programme contains some strong language.
Five years, 48 brave brides.
48 game-on grooms.
Dozens of dress disasters.
-And one near miss.
-Please, just get on the plane.
-I'm not coming. 'Game over.'
Now we're back for a whole new roller coaster ride
as 12 more blushing brides leave the biggest day of their lives
in the hands of the men they love.
-The grooms get three weeks.
-12 Gs, man.
-Oh, my God.
-Born ready, mate.
And their brides get no say in how it's spent.
-I just don't want to do this any more.
-So, saddle up for tears.
He's not going to get the right one.
-Why the hell are we at Thorpe Park on my wedding day?!
And total meltdowns.
I can't, I can't do anything.
Tonight, daredevil John wants to wow his guests
by throwing his bride from 10,000 ft.
Jackie is skydiving today. Yes!
-But bride, Jackie, doesn't have much of a head for heights.
-Oh, my God.
I think John's an arsehole.
So, will he win her over with Christmas in a working man's club?
Do you think he's put any thought into this?
A commemorative seat in the khazi.
The John and Jackie Memorial Toilet.
And a cake modelled on her least-favourite body part.
-I think he's crossed the line here.
Can this man give this woman...
I'm going to punch him.
..her dream wedding?
Would you honestly do this to me? Honestly?
-Or will it be more of a nightmare?
-It could go either way.
It can only go one way.
What if I say I'm not getting out?
This could be the worst... the worst wedding ever.
Today, 30-year-old Jackie is leaving 29-year-old fiance John
for the next three weeks to let him arrange their wedding.
Have definitely made my bed. Now I just need to lie in it.
John and Jackie both work with young children
and together with their two cats they share a small flat in Kirkintilloch,
an old mining town where John was born and has never left.
I'm probably one of the only ones in Kirky that hasn't had you in the park.
I'm going to stay here for another 29 years and I'll be happy.
Don't think so.
City girl Jackie hails from Glasgow's smart West End
and it's still the only place she'll go for swish nights out.
I would say I was more cosmopolitan than John.
Going to parties, going to nice restaurants and bars and things like that.
While John prefers a pint at his local,
the Kirky Miners' Social Club.
There's all sorts of characters in the Miners' and we just all have a laugh.
It's old guys that have drank there for probably 50 years or more.
-I'll be one of those guys.
-No, you won't.
But their two worlds collided at the Miners' five years ago
when Jackie stopped by for a friend's party.
The first time I'd been in Kirkintilloch.
I spotted you when I was sitting down with my friend. I said, "Och, she's lovely."
It then it just went from there. 5½ years on.
Gave up my city life to come and live and be a country bumpkin, basically.
She might have moved to the country,
but trendy Jackie still prides herself on her appearance.
If I'm going on a night out I can get really dressed up
and I really like wearing dresses and high heels and all that stuff.
And John, well, John doesn't.
Why wouldn't you want to marry this man?
John does have his own sense of style.
What John would describe as vintage but I'd describe as rubbish.
Not everything has to have something written on it.
-Got to be different, Jackie.
-You are different.
John certainly is different.
Last Christmas he decided to celebrate Jackie's favourite time of the year
by making his own cards wearing a kitsch jumper and growing a moustache.
So many people just got the card and went, "Right, OK. That's OK."
And then they were like, "Is that them?!"
Which might be funny on a Christmas card,
but not for the biggest day of a girl's life.
He's got plenty of time to be wacky and zany,
but I don't think that that's right for our wedding day.
Whereas John has only one rule.
I want to make this wedding something that Jackie would
never, ever have expected
and I want her to be just in total shock from start to finish.
So, what hope has Jackie got of being happy on her dream day?
This could be the most perfect day or it could be a complete disaster.
It's time to say goodbye.
Hell, how much have you got in this, man?
It might only be three weeks but Jackie's taking the cats.
She wouldn't want to leave John in charge of anything important(!)
-See you in three weeks.
We'll be man and wife.
-I'm going to miss you.
-I'll miss you, too.
The next time she sees him will be the most important day of both their lives.
Going to go in and watch the rest of the football.
Ah, the taste of freedom.
And John's sharing it with his best man, nightclub promoter Cameron.
They've been best mates for six years,
so he's happy to help John plan his perfect day.
Hopefully both of them can be responsible for three weeks.
I don't think that's very much to ask.
Before he gets married, before he gets the big thumb coming down on his head,
he's got to live it up. He's not got long left.
15 miles and a whole other world away in Glasgow's West End,
Jackie and the two cats are settling in with her mum, Carol,
who'll she be staying with for the next three weeks.
It's so nice having you home, even just for a wee short while.
-I love being home.
-I might not want to leave.
But when a maverick like John is planning your wedding,
there's going to be plenty of blue-sky thinking.
If John is thinking outside of the box then...
my brain only allows me to think of nice hotels and places like that,
but who knows what John's brain'll conjure up.
-First of all...sky-dive, right.
Looking for Jackie to sky-dive down to the ceremony.
Jackie's never sky-dived, ever in her life and she spoke about it to me.
I did it once when I was 18
and the adrenaline you get from it is amazing.
Would be funny to get everybody that's in the place to say,
"Can everyone please go back outside for the arrival of the bride?" Then just point up to the sky.
Oh, yeah. That's definitely out of the box. Or plane.
And with the wacky plan hatched, John heads down to his local, the Miners',
for karaoke and what could be a premonition of his wedding night.
# All by my self
# Don't want to live All by myself any more
# All by myself
# Don't want to be all by myself... #
-Are you decent?
-I'm getting there, I'm just getting ready.
It's the first morning and the boys have an early start.
Throwing your bride out of a plane takes planning.
You're not going out like that. Or if you're going like that, I'm not walking about with you.
What's wrong with this? I think it goes.
-Goes with what, though?
-The top goes with the trousers.
Almost like they were made for each other.
And is Noel Edmonds going to ask for his jumper back when you finish today?
A quick change later,
the boys head 50 miles into the Scottish countryside to check out
every bride's number one wedding essential - a muddy airfield.
-It just looks brilliant, just look at it.
Can't hear a thing. Can't see a proper building of any sort.
This is a plane that's been used.
Jackie's going to be faced with a 10,000 ft freefall into her wedding ceremony
but that's still not enough pizzazz for showman, John.
-Do you do the smoke off the shoes.
-No, we don't do the tandems.
You going to ask him next to do initials?
-"John loves Jackie" in the sky?
-Have planes doing love hearts!
So, that's £750 spent on throwing his lucky bride
out of a plane for the very first time.
Yeah, this wedding is definitely going to make an impact.
Nobody'll believe we've pulled this one out of the book.
-No-one will be predicting this.
-This looks amazing.
-This is a first.
This is, for anybody's wedding, I think.
Today, Jackie and her sole bridesmaid, er, Gary,
are visiting her dream venue in Glasgow's trendy West End.
Best mates for 13 years,
they both share a taste for the finer things in life.
-I'll show you the room where the ceremony can take place.
1 Devonshire Gardens is a hotel to the stars
with Kylie, Justin Timberlake and George Clooney all stopping by.
-So pretty, isn't it? It's all kind of natural.
-It's almost like a stately home.
-It's not overstated.
-It's so modern.
There's not one element of tack. But you know what they say about a Glasgow wedding?
There's always a fight, so if you get a good bit of grass somewhere.
There'll be no fighting at my wedding.
-Apart from you and John.
Ah, glass of champagne in hand, looking out the lovely windows.
It's absolutely gorgeous.
Who knows where I'm going to end up?
Well, John knows.
For this country boy,
there's only one possible venue for his reception.
Yes, it's his beloved local - the Miners'.
Well, George Clooney might have stopped by.
You never know.
This is the first choice, cos this is where me and Jackie met.
Pretty glamorous, as well.
-I'm not glamorous. Maybe Jackie.
-No, you're definitely not glamorous.
Erm, you know, I'm not.
I don't know if you would call me trendy, would you say I was trendy?
I'd call you many things, but trendy's not one of them!
Erm... So, I think, you know...it doesn't have to be glamorous for me.
The grand function suite would usually be used for bingo nights,
but John's come up with a classy theme to spruce it up.
What better than Jackie's favourite time of year?
-We're going to go for a Christmas tree...
-Christmas?! In May?
We'll have all the rainbow tinsel, massive big tree, all looking right for Jackie.
Could have a wee Santa's grotto maybe in the corner, or...
Yeah, I think there's real potential to kind of kit this place out really well and fantastic, you know?
-What's it going to cost us?
-My wedding gift to John.
-Oh, there you go...
-From the club.
-That's a big help.
-That is a big help.
-I suppose for the amount of drink I've spent behind the bar...
-Well, I'm thinking of the profits!
So John's got his reception venue for free.
But he still hasn't worked out where he's going to hold the ceremony.
The closest venue to the airfield is Strathallan Castle. So they've gone to take a look.
It's perfect, isn't it? Outstanding.
Cameraman down there, with the kilt and everything and the castle in the background...
The Scottish flag. That's perfect.
-So this is where you would hold the ceremony?
-Yes, this is our main ceremony room.
The big mirrors and, just... High ceilings, it's excellent.
-Yeah, there's lots of character.
-Very traditional, isn't it?
-What's our kind of...
-It would be £500.
-Is that all?
That's fantastic! That's brilliant.
-Deal or no deal(?)
-Deal! That's brilliant.
Is it, yeah? Oh, definitely. That's a deal on that one.
That's £500 for the ceremony room. But getting from here to the Miners' for the reception
would mean a 100-mile round trip.
It's not exactly what Jackie has in mind for her wedding day.
I don't want to... You know, the stress for people too, like, be coached into places
and moved about, and...
That's why it's so important that it's somewhere in Glasgow,
and it's somewhere where you can have the full day in the one place.
It might not be Glasgow -
but John could hire this 19th-century castle for the entire day,
keeping the ceremony and the reception together -
which would surely be the sensible thing to do.
So what does that kind of, figure out then for like,
extra for, like, the hiring...?
For everything, erm... would be £5,000.
That's a step up from the Miners' being free as my wedding present!
But it's obviously a wee bit different!
I just think...it's got privacy, it's got pheasants walking about...
You'd get an amazing game of Cluedo in there, as well.
Miners', Scottish castle...
£500, or five grand?
Going to have to think about it tonight.
He loves me...he loves me not.
He loves me...he loves me not.
Surely even John can see what Jackie would prefer out of the two?
This is the scary thing. If you're thinking like John, where, you know...
what do you think potentially he could book for a wedding venue?
Er...the Miners' Club?
No. He wouldn't...
To be honest, if John was MY other half, I wouldn't trust him.
-No, I wouldn't!
I'm starting to feel a wee bit sick.
Everyone that I talk to seems to think that I'm going to get married in the Miners', and...
I would be absolutely devastated if...
I would be absolutely devastated if he does that.
Because I think that would be... That's just...a joke.
The small-town boy has made his decision.
He's following his heart.
It's important to me that our reception's held somewhere
that means a lot.
It's important that we don't for one day of our life
try and pretend we're something we're not.
PULP: # I wanna live like common people
# I wanna do whatever common people do... #
OK... So the parachute jump isn't the only dive in this wedding, then.
But it IS free - so John has spent £1,750
on his skydiving Christmas-themed local boozer wedding.
And what does a groom spend his money on
when he's feeling...flush?
What to do in here?
We would have to have... mirrors with the light bulbs,
I mean, look at the lighting. There's bits of toilet roll stuck to the ceiling.
What woman's coming up and throwing...? I don't know.
That would probably be one thing, is maybe do up the toilets - you know, like mirrors and...
If you want to put in a whole new toilet suite...feel free.
"The John and Jackie Memorial Toilet"(?)
I'll name the urinal in the Gents after you as well, if you really want.
They might say that's taking the piss(!)
It's the start of the second week. And walking fashion disaster John
has actually ventured into Glasgow city centre
to try and find the all-important wedding dress.
Hi, how are you doing?
I'm here to pick a dress for my fiancee.
Anything in mind that you've got for it?
Something...simple, elegant. You know. Fitting.
I think she's between, like, an eight and a ten. So a nine?
Oh, dear God...
Across town, on Glasgow's smartest street,
Jackie wants to show Gary and mum Carol her dream dress.
This is just such a big day.
My only daughter's wedding - I just want everything to be...perfect.
-It is, isn't it?
I don't know why I'm crying -
because I really like this,
or because I know that John would never pick anything like this.
-That... That's the dress.
-That's it, isn't it?
That is definitely, definitely you.
I think the thing I most love about it is the...
-is the bottom. The ruffles.
-It's just so different.
And I just love the fact that it's just... The detail's just so simple.
And my train at the back is not too long, I think that is
the kind of perfect kind of length for it.
-If he doesn't get that right...
I'm not going to be able to see past this, I don't think.
Well, wacky John's not wasting any time in finding HIS dress.
He's even picked up the perfect model.
-JOHN HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER
Is that how you walk(?)
That's wrong, that's wrong...
Is it wrong that I feel comfortable(?)
Stand and hold my arm.
How am I supposed to look at Jackie now after seeing you in this?!
I'll be walking down the aisle and I'll just see her head on you.
Could be worse.
-Could be YOU walking down the aisle?
-If she's not up for it, it might be!
Cameron might look strangely alluring - but what about the dress?
Detail-wise, I think it's stunning, you can see the work that's went into it.
When I saw it on the hanger I thought it looked too blingy,
but when it's on it just looks more like kind of a nice pattern,
then when you see it up close you get the sparkle from it.
I think it's beautiful. But it's totally up to you.
I can only...wear it for you!
I can only present it to you as my body lets me.
How's he got boobies?
I like it. I like it.
John's tempted to buy the first dress they've tried on.
But even HE knows that's a risky strategy.
Is she going to go off her nut if I've picked a dress in ten minutes?
Yeah, but you've looked at well over a dozen dresses - that whole rack.
That's the one that stood out, and that's all totally different designs.
I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but I think
-if you started again at another store you would just be back to square one.
Yep... It's only the most important dress of Jackie's life.
You don't want to confuse yourself by THINKING about it.
That's the dress. We've nailed it.
One, two... One...
That is SO gay.
-We'll go for that, then.
So that's £800 spent, on the very first dress he's tried on.
I think you go with the gut feeling, and I'm feeling better already.
Listen, do you think Jackie'll be cool with me wearing her dress before she's actually worn it?
Fine, mate. She'll be fine.
Well, don't tell her that I never had a shower this morning!
-Don't tell her you look better in it(?)
-That as well!
Fancy Jackie has a passion for good food and baking.
So much so, that she made her brother's wedding cake -
over a hundred individual cupcakes.
I just think cupcakes are actually so cute,
so I just quite like things with little cupcake designs on them.
I do like things to be pretty, and nice, and girly I suppose.
But she is a touch particular on how they should be made.
I suppose I am, like, a wee bit of a perfectionist just in terms of, you know, I know what I like.
Even colour-coding the sugary balls.
When it comes to like, the decorating and things like that, I quite like it. A lot!
I don't really like eating my own cakes - I think they're too pretty to eat.
Now I want to make my own wedding cake.
John's got a lot to live up to. But he's not a pretty cupcake kind of guy.
Well, we're looking for... a cake, obviously! For the wedding.
A wedding cake? Have you got any idea what you're looking for?
She's always moaning about the size of her nose, and wants a nose job.
So this is the perfect chance to cut a wee bit off her nose.
So I think...
I think we'll go with a nose-shaped cake.
I think she'll kill you.
-So do I.
-I would kill you!
Have you ever made a nose-shaped cake before?
Made a lot of things - not a nose. We've made a lot of things.
It's what's relevant to us, but it's always our joke.
It's about yous, that's true. It's your wedding.
So we'll go with the nose-shaped cake?
Can I just clarify for one thing - mate, do whatever you want...
but I am not backing up a nose cake.
You're on your tod with that one.
If she loses the plot, as long as she knows that I've got nothing to do with that.
It could go either way, I think.
It can only go one way.
-All right, don't worry about it.
-I'm not worried about it.
YOU should be worried - I'm not worried about it.
Now, the thing is...do we go with my nose, is that going to cost more cos it's bigger?
Or do we go with Jackie's, which is a wee bit more Steffi Graf kind of shape?
Is there anything else you don't like about Jackie -
her bum, you want it blown up and put up against the wall(?)
We've already got her skydiving on her wedding day,
we've already got her wedding reception
in the Miners' Social Club,
so we already are kind of pushing the boundaries,
and I just feel she deserves, like, a nice traditional wedding cake.
I think he's crossed the line here. I really do.
With half his budget left and away from Cameron's voice of reason,
John's out of control.
Or should that be, more out of control?
Oh, here we go! Went on eBay. Got some toilet seats.
I tell you what, I'm excited opening it.
Imagine how excited Jackie is going to be sitting on it.
Oh, yeah... That's quality. Look at that.
# Love cats... #
I think she'll be happy with that. This could make the wedding day.
This could make it for Jackie.
It's the end of week two and John is finally
attending to practicalities - the guest list.
He goes to see his parents for help, but like a few other things,
he hasn't entirely thought it through.
I don't know if I've counted myself in that.
Do I need to count myself in the 100?
-Why wouldn't you count yourself?
-It's your wedding!
Where's the plan for the start? Is there a plan?
It's all up here, Father.
No, it's not! Well, it's leaking out somewhere!
He swans in, a week before the wedding,
"Hiya, don't know how many's going. I think that's Jackie's list.
"Don't know how they'll get there."
-Your face is going slightly more red that it was before we started.
Doesn't surprise me. Drives me crackers, but doesn't surprise me.
Are you finished with the invites? They have to go tomorrow.
But invitations aren't John's priority. The budget is.
After spending a further three grand on catering and furniture hire,
John decides to go scrimp on Jackie's hen.
He's spent a grand total of £38 booking a 'sub crawl'- a trip around
Glasgow's dodgy pubs, via the subway.
And it's not long before Jackie works out the modest plans from her designated meeting point.
Mum, see within see within five minutes of finding out the pub,
I knew it was a sub crawl. How much planning do you think he put into this?
I think he's being thoughtless.
The past three hen nights I've been on, one has been in Vegas,
one has been in Edinburgh and one has been in Madrid.
And John thinks it's all right for me to go on the Glasgow subway?
I mean... See if this is what it is because he is strapped for cash
and I find out that he's went away somewhere for his stag,
I will be absolutely livid, cos it's so unfair.
I'm not sure "fair" entered John's mind when he booked the stag.
# When I wake up
# When I know I'm going to be I'm going to be the man
# Who wakes up next to you
# And I would walk 500 miles
# And I would walk 500 more... #
Yes, the boys are in Berlin and John splashed out
£1,700 of his budget to get there.
Let's not kid ourselves on. The stag do is ALWAYS more important than the hen do.
Every stag do I have been on, has cost ten times as much as a hen do.
Tomorrow, when she hears that we're in Berlin and she's in
possibly one of the roughest pubs in Glasgow,
yeah, she may be a wee bit peeved!
What's worse, in Glasgow, Jackie's missing her best girlfriend, Rosie,
who emigrated to Australia and can't make the hen or the wedding.
I'm absolutely gutted that she can't be here.
It's not just like... She's not just, erm...
Its not, like, it's just a friend. It's like...a sister.
So, I'm really sad that she can't be here.
Jackie has got 30 other friends coming to the hen,
so she braves the elements to see what's in store for the rest of the day.
If it's a sub crawl, I'm putting my foot down. I'm not doing it.
OK, guys, we have a box that has been delivered by John.
OK, Jackie, that's for you.
ALL: Oh, no!
Well, it looks like we are going on a sub crawl, people.
Can you just put this in the bin, please?
But with the help of best man, and night club owner, Cameron,
that's not all John has laid on.
Oh, my God...
At four o'clock, there is a cocktail training class and buffet at O'Couture.
Are we going to the South Side?
And then at half ten, we're going to The Shed!
Are we doing the crawl?
What happened to the whole "I'm not doing it"?
It's a good stop, it's a good stop.
Yeah, right, so we first arrived in the pub and Jackie was on
the whole, "I'm not doing it!" Now she has seen this lovely itinerary,
it's "Let's go, let's go!"
I hear you're interested in cocktails?
While the cocktail class gets in full swing, over in Berlin,
John's getting taught a very different kind of lesson.
# Hey, I don't need to change my style
# Been this way for a long, long while
# Maybe there's a few things I'll order
# Can you teach me all your tricks? #
And it's not long before the wheels really start to come off.
CONTINUES TO SING
Like father, like son.
It's four days before the wedding and John's come crashing back down to reality.
It's a disaster.
He still hasn't sent out a third of the invites for his Christmas in midsummer wedding.
I think I've messed up that. I think I've messed up the Miners'.
I've messed up the fact that I've spent 80 quid on cat toilet seats.
Need to get the invites out today, need to get the ring, need to get transport.
I've not even... I've got people turning up for buses I don't even have.
I need to get this flat tidied. It's disgusting.
Sick all over the bathroom. Oh...
I've had 12 grand to spend.
I could have... I should have looked at more places.
I had it in my head I wanted the Miners', because that is where we met, and now I'm thinking
that she is going to go off her nut if it is there.
It's 50-50 for the skydive. If she can't do a skydive,
if it's indoors, in the castle, and then Kirky Miners', this could be the worst...
THE worst wedding ever.
There's a long list of things to do, and less than £2,000 left to sort it.
But there's no time to wallow. In Glasgow, bridesmaid Gary is in a kilt shop,
waiting to meet John for his fitting.
I was just dead worried that I was going to end up with a dress,
because John would think that was funny.
But I'm gay, I'm not a tranny.
But thankfully, I'm in a kilt shop and, in Scotland, men wear skirts
and I'm quite happy with that.
But when John arrives without his right-hand man, he has other ideas.
-I think I'm going to go for trews.
-Are you kidding me on?! Are you being serious here? Trews?
Probably be going for...a red.
-Seriously, are you kidding me on?
-No, I thought you'd like trews.
I don't what's worse - a dress or Rupert the Bear.
I don't know if he's taking the piss or not. I'm hoping he's taking the piss,
cos if he's not, I'm going to end up at his wedding looking like Teddy Ruxpin.
What the hell's that all about?
# Shang-a-lang... #
-I don't think they're very me.
-I'll get you a kilt.
I'll half in for you to get a kilt.
Just let Gary do what he wants.
Just keep everybody happy now, at this point, I think.
Erm...I can't be bothered with an argument, so I've just... I've let him go with the kilt.
Gary's got the black and red trim kilt that he wanted,
but he's not convinced the bedraggled groom is up to the job.
If Jackie had seen him, she would have got a bit of a shock.
He just looks quite tired and withdrawn and lethargic.
I hope that he has not bitten off more than he can chew and been partying too much.
And two days before the wedding, Jackie's starting to have
major doubts, too.
Basically, I just have a constant...
..ball of nerves in my stomach.
She's particularly worried about how she's going to look.
I think, obviously, it would be perfect if I could get my hair up
and have a veil.
Do you wear a veil all day? Do you not take it off later on?
I don't know.
No, I think you would probably... I think it's an old-fashioned thing that brides change later on.
-I'm not changing. I want to wear the dress all day.
You might need to reconsider that, after a skydive(!)
In Kirky, the invites have been sent out,
but John still hasn't bought the decorations
for his Christmas-themed reception. And with no time, money or clue,
he's having to beg his caterers for extras...
Can we get you dressed up as Santa, at some point?
..borrow anything he can get his hands on...
Oh, look, there's wedding bells!
Is that a big bauble, as well?
..even steal from his best man's club...
-Look at that. There's your colours.
-That's the colour scheme.
There's your disco lights there. Now we're off, we're off!
I don't think that's that tacky.
And for the grand finale... get the tree down from the loft.
It's the day before the wedding and Jackie's getting ready to see
the dress that John agonised over for all of ten minutes.
What she doesn't know is that John's organised at least one surprise
that he won't need to apologise for. He's spent £1,500
flying best friend Rosie over from Australia -
and she's downstairs, waiting to bring up Jackie's dress. Aw.
I am totally bursting at the seams. I am so excited.
I am shaking like a leaf, my legs are like jelly.
I'm just absolutely ecstatic to be here and I'm so delighted to be seeing her in five minutes.
-John's asked us to give you something to put on before you see your dress.
-Oh-h! My God!
We've to make sure, no peeking.
It's a pink bag.
THEY BOTH GASP
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. It's brilliant.
-I can't believe you've...
-You're a bridesmaid, you're not a guest.
-I'm so excited.
It's so exciting!
I just never thought for one second that this would actually happen.
-It's all John's doing, you know.
-At least he's good for something.
Let's pray he's good at DIY,
because he's going to have to work into the night on the Miners',
for it to be anything other than a Christmas turkey.
Day before the wedding...
Back in the bridal shop,
and Jackie's about to find out whether the dress that looked so good on Cameron
will look anything as good on her.
Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my...
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!
Oh, my God! I can't believe that John would pick something like this.
-Do you like it?
-I love it.
Oh, my! You look like a bride.
I feel like a bride.
I can't believe that he has never bought me anything to wear, ever.
-That is beautiful.
-It'll look good in the Miners'.
Look, see... When you move, it twinkles.
It's gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. He's done so well.
Perfect in every single way that could possibly be perfect.
It's just so absolutely fitted, it's unbelievable.
She looks like a princess.
I'm so glad that he's left Kirky to come and pick a dress in town,
away from home and with strange townie people.
Yeah, bought in Glasgow, but it's going to be worn in Kirky.
It's the morning of the wedding.
Woke up this morning. It's sunny outside. Jackie Burns is skydiving today.
Well, I hope.
In a hotel near the airfield,
John's sent a hairdresser round to Jackie and the bridal party.
I feel relieved.
She's brought a colourful bridal bouquet.
Oh, that's brilliant...but red? Does that mean the theme's red?
I don't think I'd have picked red.
I'd have picked more kinda tealy-green colour, but...
Not a great start.
And by the look of the flat, her day might not end well either.
Jackie's home tonight, better get the place cleaned up.
This place is a bit of a disaster. It's a total wreck.
He's currently throwing all the clothes in a bin bag,
but I don't think that's good enough to bring your new wife home to.
That's if she's willing to come home at all.
It's been a lot of surprises. I don't know if I can cope with any more surprises.
Jackie's been put through an hour-and-a-half of hair and make-up
to look her very best for the day.
-Do you love it?
-I love it! I love it! Thank you very much.
Time to see the bridesmaids' outfits.
JACKIE GASPS My God!
Yous look so good. Gary, you look so good.
God, red. It's really red.
Oh, that dress is gorgeous.
John chose that? It's amazing.
Yes, it is.
It's lovely. It's so nice.
-I think it definitely feels like it's happening now.
We've flown her in from Australia and she's in a bridesmaid's dress and it's only just hitting you?
An hour later, and the bridal party is ready,
but probably not for what's in store next.
Really lucky with the weather.
Hopefully, if he's got a photographer, we'll be able to go outside for photographs,
but I don't want to get my dress dirty.
In Kirky, John and Cameron are heading directly to the castle,
leaving their guests to pile onto a bus for an hour-and-a-half drive north without a clue what to expect.
-A nice house.
-Or it could be a field with a tent,
so we're not sure!
Well, if you know John like these guys, there's always a story and a drama.
And the drama has already descended after the girls realise that the bridal car is on a track
-to an airfield.
Oh, no. He wouldn't, would he?
THEY GASP BOTH: Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, are we going in a plane somewhere?
Oh, my God, I'm petrified of flying.
Oh, my God, there is something going on.
Jackie, see if he's going to try and do a skydive, I cannae do it.
Neither can I. I can't. I cannae do it.
Surely you need a bigger plane than that to sky...
Surely, health and safety would say you cannot skydive out of a plane
-in a wedding dress.
-People do it.
Surely you have to take some kind of Valium or something before you do something like that.
He's having a laugh.
I think this is one of his wind-ups.
If he thinks I'm skydiving, then I'm not.
Absolutely no way. If that's what he thinks we're going to do, there's no way I'm doing it.
No way I'm dropping out a plane.
Seriously...he's at it. He has to be at it.
Got any poly bags? If she gets in a plane, she'll be sick.
-No, Jackie, don't even think about it.
-See if it's... I can't...
John's booked both Jackie and Rosie to jump out of the plane, IF they are willing to do it.
I think you've probably guessed by now that I'm a tandem skydiving instructor.
And if you want to, we're going to take you tandem skydiving.
Going to run you through a briefing about what we do.
Then you can decide if you're going to come with us or not, OK?
-I can't believe he's done this.
-Unfortunately, I can.
When we leave the aircraft we'll accelerate to 120mph in seven seconds.
We'll be in freefall for about 30 seconds.
We'll fly about under the parachute for about five minutes.
So we fit you into one of these harnesses...
Can you do this in a dress like this?
No, we'll take you out of that and put you into something more...
This is stupid.
All that time that girl spent this morning doing hair and make-up...
He had to mess it up somewhere. It's been too good.
It's so stupid. It's such a boy thing to do.
This is probably the worst possible idea...
..for the morning of the wedding.
I think John's an arsehole.
The boys have made it to the castle, and, for John, ignorance is bliss.
-One of us should be worried about something and you're obviously wired to the moon.
-It's my wedding day.
-You're supposed to be happy.
-I'm over the moon.
If you're not happy, you shouldn't be getting married, should you? Know what I mean?
Tell that to Jackie. It's all become too much for her bridesmaid to bear.
It accelerates very quickly.
Rosie, don't get upset. Listen...
You've made a decision you're not doing it. Don't do it. It's absolutely fine.
-Don't even get upset about it.
-I feel physically sick. I feel as if I...
I don't even know how I'm feeling. It's just horrible.
It is a really stupid thing to expect somebody to do.
If he actually thinks that you would be willing to do it, then he is mental.
He is mental.
John might have put her in an awful position, but now it's decision time for Jackie.
OK, I'll do it.
OK. We'll take you, then.
I'll do it for the both of us.
-What if I die? What if I actually die?
-What if I have a heart attack?
-Maybe they let you hold a kitten when you get down.
I'm shitting myself.
The skydive might be going ahead, but John's far from being in the clear.
I'll wait to see if I survive,
and then when I see him, I'm just going to punch him.
I can hear it, Cameron, I can hear it.
Burnsey! Hurry up!
-Can you imagine what's going through her mind now? Her heart will be going crazy!
-Oh, my God.
Over there, look!
# I'm free...
# Freefalling... #
MUSIC: Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn
And so the bride makes her entrance flat out in the mud
straddled by a man she met ten minutes ago.
It's just how she dreamed it(!)
That is a feeling that you can't even put into words.
It's... I don't... It is absolutely amazing!
You nailed that, nailed that! Nailed that.
I'm still going to punch him.
I'm still going to punch him for making me do this on my wedding day.
I'm glad they've landed now, safe and sound, that's the main thing.
She was really brave.
You wouldn't get me to do that, but it was amazing. Absolutely amazing.
I don't know how long Jackie spent on her hair to be thrown out of an aeroplane at umpteen thousand feet,
but John's plans are looking good. Bit far away, but it's looking good so far.
-While Jackie's back in hair and make-up...
-I can't believe that happened.
..the guests head to the castle just up the road.
And an hour later,
-she's finally ready to make a more traditional entrance.
-For the second time!
BOTH: Strathallan Castle.
Oh, my God.
I might not punch him quite as hard!
I'm still going to smack him with my bouquet.
It's certainly not like something you would find in Kirkintilloch
so this is pretty amazing.
Are you happy?
Watch the good flowers!
John, today you have come to promise to share your life with Jackie.
Do you promise to love and protect her,
to comfort and support her for better or worse,
-in times of sickness and in health?
Jackie, today you have come to promise to share your life with John.
Do you promise to love and protect him,
to comfort and support him, for better or worse,
from this day forward?
I do. LAUGHTER
I'm delighted to declare that Jackie and John,
-you are now husband and wife.
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Why on earth would you ever want someone to do a skydive
ON their wedding day?!
Have you not always wanted to do a skydive? True or untrue?
True! Not on my wedding day! NOT on my wedding day!
Was it amazing?
-It was amazing.
-And I want to do it again!
I'm so happy to have you as my wife, Jackie Clark.
I'm so happy to be your wife.
It sounds dead funny!
the room was just absolutely ahh! It was like Buckingham Palace, it was absolutely gorgeous.
It might have been hectic so far,
but John hasn't planned any time to relax
so everyone's back on the bus for another hour.
I can't believe that we've got to go on another journey.
It's just been crazy.
And this time, most people have a suspicion of where they're going to end up.
THEY CHANT We're going to the Miners'!
Oh, we're going to the Miners'!
And arriving in Kirky,
the bride is starting to fear the worst, too.
You absolute arsehole.
MUSIC: Funeral March by Frederic Chopin
How do I get the feeling you're not happy?
Would you honestly do this to me?
Do you honestly have this in the Miners?'
After all of that, after getting flung out of a fucking plane
and that beautiful ceremony, you come to the Miners'?
Honestly?! Is this a joke?
-What if I say I'm not getting out?
-You can trust me.
Do you trust me?
-Jackie, trust me.
-I need that back. You're not going to go away, are you?
-I'm hoping I'm going in here for a drink and then we're leaving!
Come on! You've trusted me so far.
I love you. Come on. Trust me. Trust me.
I'm having my reception in the Miners'.
Am I having a reception in the Miners'?
-Right, OK. That's fine.
Right? Walk in, close your eyes, go on.
Trust me, trust me, trust me.
Trust me. Trust me.
Watch my dress on the door.
-You ready? Ready for this?
-Right. Go on.
Christmas! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!!
-Is that my Christmas tree?!
-Of course it is!
I put it up.
-Oh, my God, John!
That is my bobbles on that tree!
SHE GASPS He's got a Christmas turkey!
You are mental.
-You love Christmas!
-I know I love Christmas, I do.
You love Christmas, I love the Miners'! You love trendy stuff.
-And you don't.
-Yeah! Hence the cake.
Oh, my God!
I can't believe it's a nose cake!
At least I'll be able to shave a bit off it.
That's what I was thinking - save us three and a half grand!
I can't believe this is the Miners'!
This could be anywhere in the world, but this is where we met. That's why it's special to ME.
Yeah, and you love the Miners', any excuse!
-To John and Jackie.
This is the Miners'?!
-This is unbelievable.
I've never seen the Miners' look so good. Absolutely brilliant.
On behalf of my wife and I...
Credit where credit is due, you have completely nailed it today,
like, everyone is so happy with you.
-The bride and groom.
-The bride and groom!
Normally what we say is that everything John does turns to gold!
It's been an amazing, amazing, amazing day from basically start...
-On behalf of everybody in here, Jackie, we can all say you've got some pair of balls today!
Perfect. Couldn't have went any better.
Like, I slag the Miners' off
-But I still come down here on a Sunday for the karaoke.
-And the good news is, we now have Mr and Mrs Clark membership.
I don't think I'll be using that.
I think I can say, hand on my heart...
..I'm never getting John out of Kirky.
Got another treat in store for you.
-In the toilets?
-Yeah. I like my little touches.
Aw-w-w-w-w! Oh, my God!
-My lady doing the toilet!
-I want one of them for the house.
Am I going to get home and there'll be real kittens in the house?
No. There'll be four bags of washing, four very large bags!
Next time, the pressure's on for Gloucester rugby lad Josh.
I hate shopping, I HATE shopping.
He's desperate to impress his demanding bride-to-be, Stacey.
Can you make me some breakfast, please? It's what I want, it's my wedding!
I don't know! Oh, my God, if I get it wrong...
But will Josh's good intentions be undone by bad decisions?
-There will be no wedding if no guests are allowed.
-There will be.
Will this devoted prince give his princess the most romantic day of her life?
Is it really here?
MUSIC: 'The Joker' by The Steve Miller Band
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd