John and Jackie Don't Tell the Bride


John and Jackie

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Five years, 48 brave brides.

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48 game-on grooms.

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Dozens of dress disasters.

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-Don't panic.

-And one near miss.

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-Please, just get on the plane.

-I'm not coming. 'Game over.'

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Now we're back for a whole new roller coaster ride

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as 12 more blushing brides leave the biggest day of their lives

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in the hands of the men they love.

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-The grooms get three weeks.

-No way.

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-And £12,000.

-12 Gs, man.

-Oh, my God.

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-You ready?

-Born ready, mate.

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And their brides get no say in how it's spent.

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-I just don't want to do this any more.

-So, saddle up for tears.

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He's not going to get the right one.

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-Tantrums.

-Why the hell are we at Thorpe Park on my wedding day?!

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And total meltdowns.

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I can't, I can't do anything.

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Tonight, daredevil John wants to wow his guests

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by throwing his bride from 10,000 ft.

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Jackie is skydiving today. Yes!

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-But bride, Jackie, doesn't have much of a head for heights.

-Oh, my God.

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I think John's an arsehole.

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So, will he win her over with Christmas in a working man's club?

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Do you think he's put any thought into this?

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A commemorative seat in the khazi.

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The John and Jackie Memorial Toilet.

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And a cake modelled on her least-favourite body part.

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-I think he's crossed the line here.

-Absolutely livid.

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Can this man give this woman...

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I'm going to punch him.

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..her dream wedding?

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Would you honestly do this to me? Honestly?

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-Or will it be more of a nightmare?

-It could go either way.

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It can only go one way.

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What if I say I'm not getting out?

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This could be the worst... the worst wedding ever.

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Today, 30-year-old Jackie is leaving 29-year-old fiance John

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for the next three weeks to let him arrange their wedding.

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Have definitely made my bed. Now I just need to lie in it.

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John and Jackie both work with young children

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and together with their two cats they share a small flat in Kirkintilloch,

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an old mining town where John was born and has never left.

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I'm probably one of the only ones in Kirky that hasn't had you in the park.

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I'm going to stay here for another 29 years and I'll be happy.

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Don't think so.

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City girl Jackie hails from Glasgow's smart West End

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and it's still the only place she'll go for swish nights out.

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I would say I was more cosmopolitan than John.

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Going to parties, going to nice restaurants and bars and things like that.

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While John prefers a pint at his local,

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the Kirky Miners' Social Club.

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There's all sorts of characters in the Miners' and we just all have a laugh.

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It's old guys that have drank there for probably 50 years or more.

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-I'll be one of those guys.

-No, you won't.

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But their two worlds collided at the Miners' five years ago

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when Jackie stopped by for a friend's party.

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The first time I'd been in Kirkintilloch.

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I spotted you when I was sitting down with my friend. I said, "Och, she's lovely."

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It then it just went from there. 5½ years on.

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Gave up my city life to come and live and be a country bumpkin, basically.

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She might have moved to the country,

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but trendy Jackie still prides herself on her appearance.

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If I'm going on a night out I can get really dressed up

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and I really like wearing dresses and high heels and all that stuff.

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And John, well, John doesn't.

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Why wouldn't you want to marry this man?

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John does have his own sense of style.

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What John would describe as vintage but I'd describe as rubbish.

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Not everything has to have something written on it.

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-Got to be different, Jackie.

-You are different.

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John certainly is different.

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Last Christmas he decided to celebrate Jackie's favourite time of the year

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by making his own cards wearing a kitsch jumper and growing a moustache.

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So many people just got the card and went, "Right, OK. That's OK."

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And then they were like, "Is that them?!"

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Which might be funny on a Christmas card,

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but not for the biggest day of a girl's life.

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He's got plenty of time to be wacky and zany,

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but I don't think that that's right for our wedding day.

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Whereas John has only one rule.

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I want to make this wedding something that Jackie would

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never, ever have expected

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and I want her to be just in total shock from start to finish.

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So, what hope has Jackie got of being happy on her dream day?

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Unlucky, dear.

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This could be the most perfect day or it could be a complete disaster.

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It's time to say goodbye.

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Hell, how much have you got in this, man?

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It might only be three weeks but Jackie's taking the cats.

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She wouldn't want to leave John in charge of anything important(!)

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-Oh, wait!

-See you in three weeks.

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We'll be man and wife.

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-I'm going to miss you.

-I'll miss you, too.

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-Bye.

-Bye.

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The next time she sees him will be the most important day of both their lives.

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Going to go in and watch the rest of the football.

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Ah, the taste of freedom.

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And John's sharing it with his best man, nightclub promoter Cameron.

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They've been best mates for six years,

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so he's happy to help John plan his perfect day.

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Hopefully both of them can be responsible for three weeks.

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I don't think that's very much to ask.

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Before he gets married, before he gets the big thumb coming down on his head,

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he's got to live it up. He's not got long left.

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All right.

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15 miles and a whole other world away in Glasgow's West End,

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Jackie and the two cats are settling in with her mum, Carol,

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who'll she be staying with for the next three weeks.

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It's so nice having you home, even just for a wee short while.

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-I love being home.

-Aw.

-I might not want to leave.

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But when a maverick like John is planning your wedding,

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there's going to be plenty of blue-sky thinking.

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If John is thinking outside of the box then...

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my brain only allows me to think of nice hotels and places like that,

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but who knows what John's brain'll conjure up.

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-First of all...sky-dive, right.

-Yep.

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Looking for Jackie to sky-dive down to the ceremony.

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Jackie's never sky-dived, ever in her life and she spoke about it to me.

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I did it once when I was 18

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and the adrenaline you get from it is amazing.

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Would be funny to get everybody that's in the place to say,

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"Can everyone please go back outside for the arrival of the bride?" Then just point up to the sky.

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Oh, yeah. That's definitely out of the box. Or plane.

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And with the wacky plan hatched, John heads down to his local, the Miners',

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for karaoke and what could be a premonition of his wedding night.

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# All by my self

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# Don't want to live All by myself any more

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# All by myself

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# Don't want to be all by myself... #

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-John?

-Yo.

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-Are you decent?

-I'm getting there, I'm just getting ready.

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It's the first morning and the boys have an early start.

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Throwing your bride out of a plane takes planning.

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You're not going out like that. Or if you're going like that, I'm not walking about with you.

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What's wrong with this? I think it goes.

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-Goes with what, though?

-The top goes with the trousers.

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Almost like they were made for each other.

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And is Noel Edmonds going to ask for his jumper back when you finish today?

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A quick change later,

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the boys head 50 miles into the Scottish countryside to check out

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every bride's number one wedding essential - a muddy airfield.

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-It just looks brilliant, just look at it.

-It's amazing.

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Can't hear a thing. Can't see a proper building of any sort.

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This is a plane that's been used.

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Jackie's going to be faced with a 10,000 ft freefall into her wedding ceremony

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but that's still not enough pizzazz for showman, John.

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-Do you do the smoke off the shoes.

-No, we don't do the tandems.

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You going to ask him next to do initials?

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-"John loves Jackie" in the sky?

-Have planes doing love hearts!

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So, that's £750 spent on throwing his lucky bride

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out of a plane for the very first time.

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Yeah, this wedding is definitely going to make an impact.

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Nobody'll believe we've pulled this one out of the book.

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-No-one will be predicting this.

-This looks amazing.

-This is a first.

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This is, for anybody's wedding, I think.

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Today, Jackie and her sole bridesmaid, er, Gary,

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are visiting her dream venue in Glasgow's trendy West End.

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Best mates for 13 years,

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they both share a taste for the finer things in life.

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-I'll show you the room where the ceremony can take place.

-Thank you.

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1 Devonshire Gardens is a hotel to the stars

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with Kylie, Justin Timberlake and George Clooney all stopping by.

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-So pretty, isn't it? It's all kind of natural.

-It's gorgeous.

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-It's almost like a stately home.

-It's not overstated.

-It's so modern.

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There's not one element of tack. But you know what they say about a Glasgow wedding?

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There's always a fight, so if you get a good bit of grass somewhere.

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There'll be no fighting at my wedding.

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-Apart from you and John.

-Well, yeah.

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Ah, glass of champagne in hand, looking out the lovely windows.

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It's absolutely gorgeous.

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Who knows where I'm going to end up?

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Well, John knows.

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For this country boy,

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there's only one possible venue for his reception.

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Yes, it's his beloved local - the Miners'.

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Well, George Clooney might have stopped by.

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You never know.

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This is the first choice, cos this is where me and Jackie met.

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Pretty glamorous, as well.

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-I'm not glamorous. Maybe Jackie.

-No, you're definitely not glamorous.

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Erm, you know, I'm not.

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I don't know if you would call me trendy, would you say I was trendy?

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I'd call you many things, but trendy's not one of them!

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Erm... So, I think, you know...it doesn't have to be glamorous for me.

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The grand function suite would usually be used for bingo nights,

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but John's come up with a classy theme to spruce it up.

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What better than Jackie's favourite time of year?

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-We're going to go for a Christmas tree...

-Christmas?! In May?

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We'll have all the rainbow tinsel, massive big tree, all looking right for Jackie.

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Could have a wee Santa's grotto maybe in the corner, or...

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Yeah, I think there's real potential to kind of kit this place out really well and fantastic, you know?

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-What's it going to cost us?

-My wedding gift to John.

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-Oh, there you go...

-From the club.

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-That's a big help.

-That is a big help.

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-I suppose for the amount of drink I've spent behind the bar...

-Well, I'm thinking of the profits!

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So John's got his reception venue for free.

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But he still hasn't worked out where he's going to hold the ceremony.

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The closest venue to the airfield is Strathallan Castle. So they've gone to take a look.

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It's perfect, isn't it? Outstanding.

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Cameraman down there, with the kilt and everything and the castle in the background...

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The Scottish flag. That's perfect.

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-So this is where you would hold the ceremony?

-Yes, this is our main ceremony room.

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The big mirrors and, just... High ceilings, it's excellent.

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-Yeah, there's lots of character.

-Yeah. Definitely.

-Very traditional, isn't it?

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-What's our kind of...

-It would be £500.

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-£500?!

-Mm-hm.

-Is that all?

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That's fantastic! That's brilliant.

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-Deal or no deal(?)

-Deal! That's brilliant.

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Is it, yeah? Oh, definitely. That's a deal on that one.

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That's £500 for the ceremony room. But getting from here to the Miners' for the reception

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would mean a 100-mile round trip.

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It's not exactly what Jackie has in mind for her wedding day.

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I don't want to... You know, the stress for people too, like, be coached into places

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and moved about, and...

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That's why it's so important that it's somewhere in Glasgow,

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and it's somewhere where you can have the full day in the one place.

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It might not be Glasgow -

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but John could hire this 19th-century castle for the entire day,

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keeping the ceremony and the reception together -

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which would surely be the sensible thing to do.

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So what does that kind of, figure out then for like,

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extra for, like, the hiring...?

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For everything, erm... would be £5,000.

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(Do it!)

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That's a step up from the Miners' being free as my wedding present!

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But it's obviously a wee bit different!

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I just think...it's got privacy, it's got pheasants walking about...

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You'd get an amazing game of Cluedo in there, as well.

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Miners', Scottish castle...

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£500, or five grand?

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Going to have to think about it tonight.

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Yeah...

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He loves me...he loves me not.

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He loves me...he loves me not.

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Surely even John can see what Jackie would prefer out of the two?

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This is the scary thing. If you're thinking like John, where, you know...

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what do you think potentially he could book for a wedding venue?

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Er...the Miners' Club?

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No. He wouldn't...

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To be honest, if John was MY other half, I wouldn't trust him.

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-Thanks, Gary(!)

-No, I wouldn't!

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I'm starting to feel a wee bit sick.

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Everyone that I talk to seems to think that I'm going to get married in the Miners', and...

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I would be absolutely devastated if...

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I would be absolutely devastated if he does that.

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Because I think that would be... That's just...a joke.

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The small-town boy has made his decision.

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He's following his heart.

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It's important to me that our reception's held somewhere

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that means a lot.

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It's important that we don't for one day of our life

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try and pretend we're something we're not.

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PULP: # I wanna live like common people

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# I wanna do whatever common people do... #

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OK... So the parachute jump isn't the only dive in this wedding, then.

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But it IS free - so John has spent £1,750

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on his skydiving Christmas-themed local boozer wedding.

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And what does a groom spend his money on

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when he's feeling...flush?

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OK...

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Right.

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What to do in here?

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We would have to have... mirrors with the light bulbs,

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nice seats...

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I mean, look at the lighting. There's bits of toilet roll stuck to the ceiling.

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What woman's coming up and throwing...? I don't know.

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That would probably be one thing, is maybe do up the toilets - you know, like mirrors and...

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If you want to put in a whole new toilet suite...feel free.

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HE LAUGHS

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"The John and Jackie Memorial Toilet"(?)

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I'll name the urinal in the Gents after you as well, if you really want.

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They might say that's taking the piss(!)

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It's the start of the second week. And walking fashion disaster John

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has actually ventured into Glasgow city centre

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to try and find the all-important wedding dress.

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Hi, how are you doing?

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I'm here to pick a dress for my fiancee.

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Anything in mind that you've got for it?

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Something...simple, elegant. You know. Fitting.

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I think she's between, like, an eight and a ten. So a nine?

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Oh, dear God...

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Across town, on Glasgow's smartest street,

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Jackie wants to show Gary and mum Carol her dream dress.

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This is just such a big day.

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My only daughter's wedding - I just want everything to be...perfect.

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CAROL GASPS

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Don't cry...

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-It's gorgeous!

-It is, isn't it?

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I don't know why I'm crying -

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because I really like this,

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or because I know that John would never pick anything like this.

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-That... That's the dress.

-That's it, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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That is definitely, definitely you.

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I think the thing I most love about it is the...

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-is the bottom. The ruffles.

-It's just so different.

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And I just love the fact that it's just... The detail's just so simple.

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And my train at the back is not too long, I think that is

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the kind of perfect kind of length for it.

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SHE SIGHS

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-If he doesn't get that right...

-CAROL LAUGHS

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I'm not going to be able to see past this, I don't think.

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Well, wacky John's not wasting any time in finding HIS dress.

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He's even picked up the perfect model.

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-Ta-da!

-JOHN HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER

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Is that how you walk(?)

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Oh...!

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That's wrong, that's wrong...

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Is it wrong that I feel comfortable(?)

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Stand and hold my arm.

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How am I supposed to look at Jackie now after seeing you in this?!

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I'll be walking down the aisle and I'll just see her head on you.

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Could be worse.

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-Could be YOU walking down the aisle?

-If she's not up for it, it might be!

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Cameron might look strangely alluring - but what about the dress?

0:18:590:19:02

Detail-wise, I think it's stunning, you can see the work that's went into it.

0:19:020:19:06

When I saw it on the hanger I thought it looked too blingy,

0:19:060:19:10

but when it's on it just looks more like kind of a nice pattern,

0:19:100:19:15

then when you see it up close you get the sparkle from it.

0:19:150:19:18

I think it's beautiful. But it's totally up to you.

0:19:180:19:21

I can only...wear it for you!

0:19:210:19:22

I can only present it to you as my body lets me.

0:19:220:19:24

How's he got boobies?

0:19:240:19:26

I like it. I like it.

0:19:260:19:27

John's tempted to buy the first dress they've tried on.

0:19:270:19:30

But even HE knows that's a risky strategy.

0:19:300:19:33

Is she going to go off her nut if I've picked a dress in ten minutes?

0:19:330:19:37

Yeah, but you've looked at well over a dozen dresses - that whole rack.

0:19:370:19:41

That's the one that stood out, and that's all totally different designs.

0:19:410:19:45

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but I think

0:19:450:19:47

-if you started again at another store you would just be back to square one.

-I know.

0:19:470:19:51

Yep... It's only the most important dress of Jackie's life.

0:19:510:19:55

You don't want to confuse yourself by THINKING about it.

0:19:550:19:58

That's the dress. We've nailed it.

0:19:580:20:00

One, two... One...

0:20:000:20:03

That is SO gay.

0:20:030:20:06

-We'll go for that, then.

-Fantastic.

0:20:060:20:08

So that's £800 spent, on the very first dress he's tried on.

0:20:080:20:11

I think you go with the gut feeling, and I'm feeling better already.

0:20:110:20:14

Listen, do you think Jackie'll be cool with me wearing her dress before she's actually worn it?

0:20:140:20:19

Fine, mate. She'll be fine.

0:20:190:20:20

Well, don't tell her that I never had a shower this morning!

0:20:200:20:23

-Don't tell her you look better in it(?)

-That as well!

0:20:230:20:26

Fancy Jackie has a passion for good food and baking.

0:20:290:20:32

So much so, that she made her brother's wedding cake -

0:20:320:20:35

over a hundred individual cupcakes.

0:20:350:20:37

I just think cupcakes are actually so cute,

0:20:400:20:42

so I just quite like things with little cupcake designs on them.

0:20:420:20:47

I do like things to be pretty, and nice, and girly I suppose.

0:20:470:20:51

But she is a touch particular on how they should be made.

0:20:510:20:54

I suppose I am, like, a wee bit of a perfectionist just in terms of, you know, I know what I like.

0:20:540:21:00

Even colour-coding the sugary balls.

0:21:000:21:03

When it comes to like, the decorating and things like that, I quite like it. A lot!

0:21:030:21:07

I don't really like eating my own cakes - I think they're too pretty to eat.

0:21:090:21:12

Now I want to make my own wedding cake.

0:21:130:21:16

John's got a lot to live up to. But he's not a pretty cupcake kind of guy.

0:21:170:21:21

Well, we're looking for... a cake, obviously! For the wedding.

0:21:250:21:29

A wedding cake? Have you got any idea what you're looking for?

0:21:290:21:33

She's always moaning about the size of her nose, and wants a nose job.

0:21:330:21:36

So this is the perfect chance to cut a wee bit off her nose.

0:21:360:21:38

So I think...

0:21:380:21:40

I think we'll go with a nose-shaped cake.

0:21:400:21:42

I think she'll kill you.

0:21:470:21:48

-So do I.

-I would kill you!

0:21:480:21:51

Have you ever made a nose-shaped cake before?

0:21:510:21:53

Made a lot of things - not a nose. We've made a lot of things.

0:21:530:21:57

It's what's relevant to us, but it's always our joke.

0:21:570:21:59

It's about yous, that's true. It's your wedding.

0:21:590:22:02

So we'll go with the nose-shaped cake?

0:22:020:22:04

Can I just clarify for one thing - mate, do whatever you want...

0:22:040:22:07

but I am not backing up a nose cake.

0:22:070:22:10

You're on your tod with that one.

0:22:100:22:12

If she loses the plot, as long as she knows that I've got nothing to do with that.

0:22:120:22:16

It could go either way, I think.

0:22:160:22:18

It can only go one way.

0:22:180:22:21

-All right, don't worry about it.

-I'm not worried about it.

0:22:210:22:24

YOU should be worried - I'm not worried about it.

0:22:240:22:26

Now, the thing is...do we go with my nose, is that going to cost more cos it's bigger?

0:22:260:22:31

Or do we go with Jackie's, which is a wee bit more Steffi Graf kind of shape?

0:22:310:22:36

Is there anything else you don't like about Jackie -

0:22:360:22:38

her bum, you want it blown up and put up against the wall(?)

0:22:380:22:43

We've already got her skydiving on her wedding day,

0:22:430:22:45

we've already got her wedding reception

0:22:450:22:48

in the Miners' Social Club,

0:22:480:22:49

so we already are kind of pushing the boundaries,

0:22:490:22:52

and I just feel she deserves, like, a nice traditional wedding cake.

0:22:520:22:56

I think he's crossed the line here. I really do.

0:22:560:22:58

With half his budget left and away from Cameron's voice of reason,

0:22:580:23:04

John's out of control.

0:23:040:23:06

Or should that be, more out of control?

0:23:060:23:10

Oh, here we go! Went on eBay. Got some toilet seats.

0:23:100:23:15

I tell you what, I'm excited opening it.

0:23:150:23:17

Imagine how excited Jackie is going to be sitting on it.

0:23:170:23:20

Oh, yeah... That's quality. Look at that.

0:23:220:23:25

# Love cats... #

0:23:250:23:26

I think she'll be happy with that. This could make the wedding day.

0:23:260:23:30

This could make it for Jackie.

0:23:300:23:33

It's the end of week two and John is finally

0:23:350:23:37

attending to practicalities - the guest list.

0:23:370:23:41

He goes to see his parents for help, but like a few other things,

0:23:410:23:44

he hasn't entirely thought it through.

0:23:440:23:47

I don't know if I've counted myself in that.

0:23:470:23:50

MUM LAUGHS

0:23:500:23:53

Do I need to count myself in the 100?

0:23:550:23:57

MUM LAUGHS

0:23:570:23:58

-Why wouldn't you count yourself?

-It's your wedding!

0:23:580:24:01

Where's the plan for the start? Is there a plan?

0:24:010:24:04

It's all up here, Father.

0:24:040:24:05

No, it's not! Well, it's leaking out somewhere!

0:24:050:24:08

He swans in, a week before the wedding,

0:24:080:24:10

"Hiya, don't know how many's going. I think that's Jackie's list.

0:24:100:24:13

"Don't know how they'll get there."

0:24:130:24:15

-Your face is going slightly more red that it was before we started.

-Red?!

0:24:150:24:19

Doesn't surprise me. Drives me crackers, but doesn't surprise me.

0:24:190:24:24

Are you finished with the invites? They have to go tomorrow.

0:24:240:24:28

But invitations aren't John's priority. The budget is.

0:24:280:24:31

After spending a further three grand on catering and furniture hire,

0:24:310:24:35

John decides to go scrimp on Jackie's hen.

0:24:350:24:38

He's spent a grand total of £38 booking a 'sub crawl'- a trip around

0:24:380:24:45

Glasgow's dodgy pubs, via the subway.

0:24:450:24:49

And it's not long before Jackie works out the modest plans from her designated meeting point.

0:24:490:24:54

Mum, see within see within five minutes of finding out the pub,

0:24:540:24:59

I knew it was a sub crawl. How much planning do you think he put into this?

0:24:590:25:03

I think he's being thoughtless.

0:25:030:25:04

The past three hen nights I've been on, one has been in Vegas,

0:25:040:25:09

one has been in Edinburgh and one has been in Madrid.

0:25:090:25:12

And John thinks it's all right for me to go on the Glasgow subway?

0:25:120:25:16

I mean... See if this is what it is because he is strapped for cash

0:25:160:25:22

and I find out that he's went away somewhere for his stag,

0:25:220:25:26

I will be absolutely livid, cos it's so unfair.

0:25:260:25:29

I'm not sure "fair" entered John's mind when he booked the stag.

0:25:320:25:36

# When I wake up

0:25:360:25:39

# When I know I'm going to be I'm going to be the man

0:25:390:25:41

# Who wakes up next to you

0:25:410:25:44

# And I would walk 500 miles

0:25:440:25:47

# And I would walk 500 more... #

0:25:470:25:51

Yes, the boys are in Berlin and John splashed out

0:25:510:25:55

£1,700 of his budget to get there.

0:25:550:25:58

THEY SING

0:25:580:26:02

ALL: Cheers!

0:26:120:26:14

Let's not kid ourselves on. The stag do is ALWAYS more important than the hen do.

0:26:140:26:19

Every stag do I have been on, has cost ten times as much as a hen do.

0:26:190:26:25

Tomorrow, when she hears that we're in Berlin and she's in

0:26:250:26:32

possibly one of the roughest pubs in Glasgow,

0:26:320:26:35

yeah, she may be a wee bit peeved!

0:26:350:26:38

What's worse, in Glasgow, Jackie's missing her best girlfriend, Rosie,

0:26:410:26:46

who emigrated to Australia and can't make the hen or the wedding.

0:26:460:26:50

I'm absolutely gutted that she can't be here.

0:26:500:26:53

It's not just like... She's not just, erm...

0:26:530:26:58

Its not, like, it's just a friend. It's like...a sister.

0:27:040:27:09

So, I'm really sad that she can't be here.

0:27:090:27:13

(Sorry.)

0:27:210:27:22

Jackie has got 30 other friends coming to the hen,

0:27:220:27:26

so she braves the elements to see what's in store for the rest of the day.

0:27:260:27:30

If it's a sub crawl, I'm putting my foot down. I'm not doing it.

0:27:300:27:34

OK, guys, we have a box that has been delivered by John.

0:27:340:27:38

OK, Jackie, that's for you.

0:27:390:27:41

ALL: Oh, no!

0:27:410:27:45

Well, it looks like we are going on a sub crawl, people.

0:27:450:27:48

Can you just put this in the bin, please?

0:27:480:27:50

GIRLS CHEER

0:27:500:27:51

But with the help of best man, and night club owner, Cameron,

0:27:510:27:55

that's not all John has laid on.

0:27:550:27:56

Oh, my God...

0:27:560:27:58

GIRLS: Ooh!

0:27:580:28:01

At four o'clock, there is a cocktail training class and buffet at O'Couture.

0:28:010:28:06

CHEERING

0:28:060:28:07

Oh...

0:28:070:28:08

GIRLS SHRIEK

0:28:080:28:10

Are we going to the South Side?

0:28:100:28:12

And then at half ten, we're going to The Shed!

0:28:120:28:14

CHEERING

0:28:140:28:16

Are we doing the crawl?

0:28:160:28:17

-Yeah, OK.

-OK.

0:28:170:28:19

What happened to the whole "I'm not doing it"?

0:28:190:28:21

It's a good stop, it's a good stop.

0:28:210:28:23

Yeah, right, so we first arrived in the pub and Jackie was on

0:28:230:28:27

the whole, "I'm not doing it!" Now she has seen this lovely itinerary,

0:28:270:28:30

it's "Let's go, let's go!"

0:28:300:28:32

I hear you're interested in cocktails?

0:28:320:28:35

ALL: Yes!!

0:28:350:28:38

While the cocktail class gets in full swing, over in Berlin,

0:28:380:28:42

John's getting taught a very different kind of lesson.

0:28:420:28:46

# Hey, I don't need to change my style

0:28:510:28:53

# Been this way for a long, long while

0:28:530:28:56

# Maybe there's a few things I'll order

0:28:560:28:59

# Sex!

0:28:590:29:01

# Can you teach me all your tricks? #

0:29:010:29:05

And it's not long before the wheels really start to come off.

0:29:050:29:09

CHEERING

0:29:090:29:11

Eugh!

0:29:130:29:14

HE SINGS

0:29:140:29:18

CONTINUES TO SING

0:29:240:29:28

Like father, like son.

0:29:310:29:33

It's four days before the wedding and John's come crashing back down to reality.

0:29:430:29:46

It's a disaster.

0:29:460:29:48

He still hasn't sent out a third of the invites for his Christmas in midsummer wedding.

0:29:480:29:53

I think I've messed up that. I think I've messed up the Miners'.

0:29:530:29:58

I've messed up the fact that I've spent 80 quid on cat toilet seats.

0:29:580:30:02

Need to get the invites out today, need to get the ring, need to get transport.

0:30:020:30:07

I've not even... I've got people turning up for buses I don't even have.

0:30:070:30:10

I need to get this flat tidied. It's disgusting.

0:30:100:30:14

Sick all over the bathroom. Oh...

0:30:140:30:17

I've had 12 grand to spend.

0:30:170:30:20

I could have... I should have looked at more places.

0:30:200:30:23

I had it in my head I wanted the Miners', because that is where we met, and now I'm thinking

0:30:230:30:28

that she is going to go off her nut if it is there.

0:30:280:30:30

It's 50-50 for the skydive. If she can't do a skydive,

0:30:300:30:34

if it's indoors, in the castle, and then Kirky Miners', this could be the worst...

0:30:340:30:40

THE worst wedding ever.

0:30:400:30:42

There's a long list of things to do, and less than £2,000 left to sort it.

0:30:420:30:47

But there's no time to wallow. In Glasgow, bridesmaid Gary is in a kilt shop,

0:30:470:30:51

waiting to meet John for his fitting.

0:30:510:30:53

I was just dead worried that I was going to end up with a dress,

0:30:530:30:56

because John would think that was funny.

0:30:560:30:59

But I'm gay, I'm not a tranny.

0:30:590:31:00

But thankfully, I'm in a kilt shop and, in Scotland, men wear skirts

0:31:000:31:05

and I'm quite happy with that.

0:31:050:31:07

But when John arrives without his right-hand man, he has other ideas.

0:31:070:31:12

-I think I'm going to go for trews.

-Are you kidding me on?! Are you being serious here? Trews?

0:31:120:31:17

Probably be going for...a red.

0:31:170:31:20

-Seriously, are you kidding me on?

-No, I thought you'd like trews.

0:31:200:31:24

I don't what's worse - a dress or Rupert the Bear.

0:31:240:31:27

I don't know if he's taking the piss or not. I'm hoping he's taking the piss,

0:31:290:31:33

cos if he's not, I'm going to end up at his wedding looking like Teddy Ruxpin.

0:31:330:31:36

What the hell's that all about?

0:31:360:31:39

# Shang-a-lang... #

0:31:400:31:43

-I don't think they're very me.

-I'll get you a kilt.

0:31:440:31:47

I'll half in for you to get a kilt.

0:31:470:31:49

Just let Gary do what he wants.

0:31:490:31:52

Just keep everybody happy now, at this point, I think.

0:31:520:31:55

Erm...I can't be bothered with an argument, so I've just... I've let him go with the kilt.

0:31:550:32:00

Gorgeous, gorgeous.

0:32:010:32:03

Gary's got the black and red trim kilt that he wanted,

0:32:030:32:06

but he's not convinced the bedraggled groom is up to the job.

0:32:060:32:09

If Jackie had seen him, she would have got a bit of a shock.

0:32:090:32:13

He just looks quite tired and withdrawn and lethargic.

0:32:130:32:17

I hope that he has not bitten off more than he can chew and been partying too much.

0:32:170:32:20

And two days before the wedding, Jackie's starting to have

0:32:200:32:23

major doubts, too.

0:32:230:32:25

Basically, I just have a constant...

0:32:250:32:29

..ball of nerves in my stomach.

0:32:320:32:35

She's particularly worried about how she's going to look.

0:32:350:32:38

I think, obviously, it would be perfect if I could get my hair up

0:32:380:32:43

and have a veil.

0:32:430:32:45

Do you wear a veil all day? Do you not take it off later on?

0:32:450:32:49

I don't know.

0:32:490:32:50

No, I think you would probably... I think it's an old-fashioned thing that brides change later on.

0:32:520:32:57

-I'm not changing. I want to wear the dress all day.

-Yeah.

0:32:570:33:02

You might need to reconsider that, after a skydive(!)

0:33:020:33:05

In Kirky, the invites have been sent out,

0:33:050:33:07

but John still hasn't bought the decorations

0:33:070:33:11

for his Christmas-themed reception. And with no time, money or clue,

0:33:110:33:14

he's having to beg his caterers for extras...

0:33:140:33:17

Can we get you dressed up as Santa, at some point?

0:33:170:33:19

..borrow anything he can get his hands on...

0:33:190:33:21

Oh, look, there's wedding bells!

0:33:210:33:23

Is that a big bauble, as well?

0:33:240:33:26

..even steal from his best man's club...

0:33:260:33:28

-Look at that. There's your colours.

-That's the colour scheme.

0:33:280:33:31

There's your disco lights there. Now we're off, we're off!

0:33:310:33:34

I don't think that's that tacky.

0:33:340:33:36

And for the grand finale... get the tree down from the loft.

0:33:360:33:40

It's the day before the wedding and Jackie's getting ready to see

0:33:450:33:48

the dress that John agonised over for all of ten minutes.

0:33:480:33:52

What she doesn't know is that John's organised at least one surprise

0:33:570:34:01

that he won't need to apologise for. He's spent £1,500

0:34:010:34:05

flying best friend Rosie over from Australia -

0:34:050:34:08

and she's downstairs, waiting to bring up Jackie's dress. Aw.

0:34:080:34:12

I am totally bursting at the seams. I am so excited.

0:34:120:34:15

I am shaking like a leaf, my legs are like jelly.

0:34:150:34:18

I'm just absolutely ecstatic to be here and I'm so delighted to be seeing her in five minutes.

0:34:180:34:23

-John's asked us to give you something to put on before you see your dress.

-Oh-h! My God!

0:34:230:34:30

We've to make sure, no peeking.

0:34:300:34:32

It's a pink bag.

0:34:450:34:46

THEY BOTH GASP

0:34:460:34:48

Oh, my God!

0:34:480:34:49

SHE CRIES

0:34:510:34:54

Oh, my God. It's brilliant.

0:35:030:35:06

-I can't believe you've...

-You're a bridesmaid, you're not a guest.

0:35:070:35:11

-A bridesmaid!

-Really?

-I'm so excited.

0:35:110:35:15

It's so exciting!

0:35:150:35:17

I just never thought for one second that this would actually happen.

0:35:170:35:21

Oh!

0:35:230:35:25

-It's all John's doing, you know.

-At least he's good for something.

0:35:250:35:29

Oh!

0:35:300:35:31

Let's pray he's good at DIY,

0:35:310:35:34

because he's going to have to work into the night on the Miners',

0:35:340:35:37

for it to be anything other than a Christmas turkey.

0:35:370:35:40

Day before the wedding...

0:35:400:35:43

..cleaning seats.

0:35:430:35:45

Back in the bridal shop,

0:35:470:35:49

and Jackie's about to find out whether the dress that looked so good on Cameron

0:35:490:35:54

will look anything as good on her.

0:35:540:35:56

SHE GASPS

0:36:100:36:11

Oh, my God!

0:36:140:36:16

-It's gorgeous.

-Oh, my God!

-It's beautiful.

0:36:210:36:25

Oh, my God! Oh, my...

0:36:290:36:32

Oh, my God!

0:36:400:36:42

Oh, my God! I'm so happy! I'm so happy!

0:36:460:36:51

Oh, my God! I can't believe that John would pick something like this.

0:36:510:36:55

-Absolutely perfect.

-Do you like it?

-I love it.

0:36:550:36:59

Oh, my! You look like a bride.

0:37:010:37:03

I feel like a bride.

0:37:030:37:05

I can't believe that he has never bought me anything to wear, ever.

0:37:070:37:12

-That is beautiful.

-It'll look good in the Miners'.

0:37:120:37:15

Look, see... When you move, it twinkles.

0:37:180:37:22

It's gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. He's done so well.

0:37:220:37:25

Perfect in every single way that could possibly be perfect.

0:37:250:37:29

It's just so absolutely fitted, it's unbelievable.

0:37:290:37:32

Oh!

0:37:320:37:34

She looks like a princess.

0:37:350:37:36

I'm so glad that he's left Kirky to come and pick a dress in town,

0:37:400:37:45

away from home and with strange townie people.

0:37:450:37:50

Yeah, bought in Glasgow, but it's going to be worn in Kirky.

0:37:510:37:55

It's the morning of the wedding.

0:38:020:38:04

Woke up this morning. It's sunny outside. Jackie Burns is skydiving today.

0:38:070:38:12

Yes!

0:38:120:38:13

Well, I hope.

0:38:140:38:16

In a hotel near the airfield,

0:38:170:38:20

John's sent a hairdresser round to Jackie and the bridal party.

0:38:200:38:24

-Oh-h!

-Hello.

0:38:240:38:27

I feel relieved.

0:38:270:38:29

She's brought a colourful bridal bouquet.

0:38:290:38:31

Oh, that's brilliant...but red? Does that mean the theme's red?

0:38:310:38:36

Yeah.

0:38:360:38:38

I don't think I'd have picked red.

0:38:380:38:39

I'd have picked more kinda tealy-green colour, but...

0:38:390:38:44

Not a great start.

0:38:440:38:46

And by the look of the flat, her day might not end well either.

0:38:460:38:50

Jackie's home tonight, better get the place cleaned up.

0:38:500:38:53

This place is a bit of a disaster. It's a total wreck.

0:38:530:38:55

He's currently throwing all the clothes in a bin bag,

0:38:550:38:58

but I don't think that's good enough to bring your new wife home to.

0:38:580:39:01

That's if she's willing to come home at all.

0:39:010:39:04

It's been a lot of surprises. I don't know if I can cope with any more surprises.

0:39:040:39:08

Jackie's been put through an hour-and-a-half of hair and make-up

0:39:100:39:14

to look her very best for the day.

0:39:140:39:15

-Do you love it?

-I love it! I love it! Thank you very much.

0:39:150:39:19

Time to see the bridesmaids' outfits.

0:39:190:39:22

JACKIE GASPS My God!

0:39:240:39:27

Yous look so good. Gary, you look so good.

0:39:270:39:32

God, red. It's really red.

0:39:320:39:35

Oh, that dress is gorgeous.

0:39:350:39:38

John chose that? It's amazing.

0:39:380:39:42

Yes, it is.

0:39:420:39:44

It's lovely. It's so nice.

0:39:440:39:47

-I think it definitely feels like it's happening now.

-Really?

0:39:470:39:50

We've flown her in from Australia and she's in a bridesmaid's dress and it's only just hitting you?

0:39:500:39:55

An hour later, and the bridal party is ready,

0:39:550:39:58

but probably not for what's in store next.

0:39:580:40:01

Really lucky with the weather.

0:40:010:40:03

Hopefully, if he's got a photographer, we'll be able to go outside for photographs,

0:40:030:40:08

but I don't want to get my dress dirty.

0:40:080:40:10

In Kirky, John and Cameron are heading directly to the castle,

0:40:100:40:13

leaving their guests to pile onto a bus for an hour-and-a-half drive north without a clue what to expect.

0:40:130:40:20

-Possibly Edinburgh.

-I know.

-A nice house.

-Or it could be a field with a tent,

0:40:200:40:24

so we're not sure!

0:40:240:40:27

Well, if you know John like these guys, there's always a story and a drama.

0:40:270:40:31

And the drama has already descended after the girls realise that the bridal car is on a track

0:40:310:40:37

-to an airfield.

-(Oh, shit!)

0:40:370:40:39

Oh, no. He wouldn't, would he?

0:40:430:40:46

THEY GASP BOTH: Oh, my God!

0:40:480:40:50

Oh, my God, are we going in a plane somewhere?

0:40:500:40:55

Oh, my God, I'm petrified of flying.

0:40:550:40:58

Oh, my God, there is something going on.

0:40:580:41:01

Jackie, see if he's going to try and do a skydive, I cannae do it.

0:41:010:41:04

Neither can I. I can't. I cannae do it.

0:41:070:41:11

Surely you need a bigger plane than that to sky...

0:41:140:41:16

Surely, health and safety would say you cannot skydive out of a plane

0:41:160:41:20

-in a wedding dress.

-People do it.

0:41:200:41:23

Surely you have to take some kind of Valium or something before you do something like that.

0:41:230:41:27

He's having a laugh.

0:41:340:41:35

Ooops!

0:41:360:41:38

I think this is one of his wind-ups.

0:41:410:41:44

If he thinks I'm skydiving, then I'm not.

0:41:440:41:47

Absolutely no way. If that's what he thinks we're going to do, there's no way I'm doing it.

0:41:470:41:51

No way I'm dropping out a plane.

0:41:510:41:53

Seriously...he's at it. He has to be at it.

0:41:530:41:57

Got any poly bags? If she gets in a plane, she'll be sick.

0:41:570:42:00

-No, Jackie, don't even think about it.

-See if it's... I can't...

0:42:000:42:06

John's booked both Jackie and Rosie to jump out of the plane, IF they are willing to do it.

0:42:060:42:12

I think you've probably guessed by now that I'm a tandem skydiving instructor.

0:42:130:42:18

And if you want to, we're going to take you tandem skydiving.

0:42:180:42:21

Going to run you through a briefing about what we do.

0:42:210:42:24

Then you can decide if you're going to come with us or not, OK?

0:42:240:42:27

-I can't believe he's done this.

-Unfortunately, I can.

0:42:270:42:31

When we leave the aircraft we'll accelerate to 120mph in seven seconds.

0:42:310:42:36

We'll be in freefall for about 30 seconds.

0:42:360:42:38

We'll fly about under the parachute for about five minutes.

0:42:380:42:42

So we fit you into one of these harnesses...

0:42:420:42:44

Can you do this in a dress like this?

0:42:440:42:46

No, we'll take you out of that and put you into something more...

0:42:460:42:50

This is stupid.

0:42:500:42:51

All that time that girl spent this morning doing hair and make-up...

0:42:510:42:56

Could...

0:42:560:42:58

He had to mess it up somewhere. It's been too good.

0:43:000:43:04

It's so stupid. It's such a boy thing to do.

0:43:040:43:07

This is probably the worst possible idea...

0:43:070:43:11

..for the morning of the wedding.

0:43:130:43:15

I think John's an arsehole.

0:43:180:43:20

The boys have made it to the castle, and, for John, ignorance is bliss.

0:43:220:43:27

-One of us should be worried about something and you're obviously wired to the moon.

-It's brilliant!

0:43:270:43:32

-It's my wedding day.

-I know.

-You're supposed to be happy.

-I'm over the moon.

0:43:320:43:37

If you're not happy, you shouldn't be getting married, should you? Know what I mean?

0:43:370:43:41

Tell that to Jackie. It's all become too much for her bridesmaid to bear.

0:43:410:43:46

It accelerates very quickly.

0:43:460:43:48

Rosie, don't get upset. Listen...

0:43:480:43:51

You've made a decision you're not doing it. Don't do it. It's absolutely fine.

0:43:510:43:55

-Don't even get upset about it.

-I feel physically sick. I feel as if I...

0:43:550:44:01

I don't even know how I'm feeling. It's just horrible.

0:44:010:44:04

It is a really stupid thing to expect somebody to do.

0:44:040:44:07

If he actually thinks that you would be willing to do it, then he is mental.

0:44:070:44:14

He is mental.

0:44:140:44:15

John might have put her in an awful position, but now it's decision time for Jackie.

0:44:150:44:21

OK.

0:44:290:44:31

OK, I'll do it.

0:44:310:44:32

OK. We'll take you, then.

0:44:340:44:37

I'll do it for the both of us.

0:44:370:44:39

-What if I die? What if I actually die?

-You won't.

0:44:410:44:44

-What if I have a heart attack?

-Maybe they let you hold a kitten when you get down.

0:44:460:44:49

I'm shitting myself.

0:44:490:44:51

The skydive might be going ahead, but John's far from being in the clear.

0:45:000:45:04

I'll wait to see if I survive,

0:45:050:45:07

and then when I see him, I'm just going to punch him.

0:45:070:45:10

I can hear it, Cameron, I can hear it.

0:45:290:45:31

Burnsey! Hurry up!

0:45:310:45:34

-Can you imagine what's going through her mind now? Her heart will be going crazy!

-Oh, my God.

0:45:590:46:04

Over there, look!

0:46:190:46:22

# I'm free...

0:46:220:46:25

# Freefalling... #

0:46:250:46:28

CHEERING

0:46:340:46:36

MUSIC: Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn

0:46:360:46:40

And so the bride makes her entrance flat out in the mud

0:46:450:46:49

straddled by a man she met ten minutes ago.

0:46:490:46:51

It's just how she dreamed it(!)

0:46:510:46:54

That is..

0:46:590:47:02

That is a feeling that you can't even put into words.

0:47:030:47:06

It's... I don't... It is absolutely amazing!

0:47:080:47:12

Amazing.

0:47:150:47:16

You nailed that, nailed that! Nailed that.

0:47:180:47:20

I'm still going to punch him.

0:47:200:47:23

I'm still going to punch him for making me do this on my wedding day.

0:47:230:47:27

I'm glad they've landed now, safe and sound, that's the main thing.

0:47:290:47:33

Well done!

0:47:330:47:35

She was really brave.

0:47:350:47:37

You wouldn't get me to do that, but it was amazing. Absolutely amazing.

0:47:370:47:41

I don't know how long Jackie spent on her hair to be thrown out of an aeroplane at umpteen thousand feet,

0:47:410:47:46

but John's plans are looking good. Bit far away, but it's looking good so far.

0:47:460:47:49

-While Jackie's back in hair and make-up...

-I can't believe that happened.

0:47:510:47:55

..the guests head to the castle just up the road.

0:47:550:47:58

And an hour later,

0:47:580:47:59

-she's finally ready to make a more traditional entrance.

-For the second time!

0:47:590:48:04

BOTH: Strathallan Castle.

0:48:040:48:07

Oh, my God.

0:48:090:48:10

I might not punch him quite as hard!

0:48:120:48:14

I'm still going to smack him with my bouquet.

0:48:140:48:17

It's gorgeous.

0:48:230:48:25

It's certainly not like something you would find in Kirkintilloch

0:48:250:48:29

so this is pretty amazing.

0:48:290:48:32

Are you happy?

0:48:320:48:33

BAGPIPES PLAY

0:48:350:48:40

Watch the good flowers!

0:48:500:48:52

John, today you have come to promise to share your life with Jackie.

0:49:040:49:08

Do you promise to love and protect her,

0:49:080:49:10

to comfort and support her for better or worse,

0:49:100:49:14

-in times of sickness and in health?

-I do.

0:49:140:49:17

Jackie, today you have come to promise to share your life with John.

0:49:190:49:23

Do you promise to love and protect him,

0:49:230:49:26

to comfort and support him, for better or worse,

0:49:260:49:29

from this day forward?

0:49:290:49:31

I do. LAUGHTER

0:49:320:49:35

I'm delighted to declare that Jackie and John,

0:49:390:49:43

-you are now husband and wife.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:49:430:49:47

Why on earth would you ever want someone to do a skydive

0:49:560:50:00

ON their wedding day?!

0:50:000:50:02

Have you not always wanted to do a skydive? True or untrue?

0:50:020:50:05

True! Not on my wedding day! NOT on my wedding day!

0:50:050:50:09

Was it amazing?

0:50:090:50:12

-It was amazing.

-Right, OK.

-And I want to do it again!

0:50:120:50:15

I'm so happy to have you as my wife, Jackie Clark.

0:50:160:50:19

I'm so happy to be your wife.

0:50:220:50:24

It sounds dead funny!

0:50:240:50:26

CHEERING

0:50:260:50:28

Stunning setting,

0:50:280:50:30

the room was just absolutely ahh! It was like Buckingham Palace, it was absolutely gorgeous.

0:50:300:50:34

It might have been hectic so far,

0:50:340:50:37

but John hasn't planned any time to relax

0:50:370:50:39

so everyone's back on the bus for another hour.

0:50:390:50:43

I can't believe that we've got to go on another journey.

0:50:430:50:46

It's just been crazy.

0:50:460:50:47

And this time, most people have a suspicion of where they're going to end up.

0:50:470:50:51

THEY CHANT We're going to the Miners'!

0:50:510:50:54

Oh, we're going to the Miners'!

0:50:540:50:57

And arriving in Kirky,

0:50:570:50:59

the bride is starting to fear the worst, too.

0:50:590:51:02

You absolute arsehole.

0:51:020:51:04

MUSIC: Funeral March by Frederic Chopin

0:51:050:51:08

How do I get the feeling you're not happy?

0:51:130:51:15

Would you honestly do this to me?

0:51:250:51:28

Do you honestly have this in the Miners?'

0:51:280:51:30

After all of that, after getting flung out of a fucking plane

0:51:300:51:34

and that beautiful ceremony, you come to the Miners'?

0:51:340:51:37

Honestly?! Is this a joke?

0:51:390:51:42

-What if I say I'm not getting out?

-You can trust me.

-I can't.

-Trust me.

0:51:530:51:57

Do you trust me?

0:51:570:51:59

-Jackie, trust me.

-I need that back. You're not going to go away, are you?

0:52:000:52:05

Promise, right?

0:52:050:52:07

-I'm hoping I'm going in here for a drink and then we're leaving!

-Trust me!

0:52:150:52:18

Come on! You've trusted me so far.

0:52:180:52:21

I love you. Come on. Trust me. Trust me.

0:52:210:52:24

I'm having my reception in the Miners'.

0:52:240:52:26

Am I having a reception in the Miners'?

0:52:270:52:30

-Yeah.

-Right, OK. That's fine.

0:52:300:52:31

Right? Walk in, close your eyes, go on.

0:52:310:52:35

Trust me, trust me, trust me.

0:52:350:52:37

Trust me. Trust me.

0:52:370:52:40

Watch my dress on the door.

0:52:400:52:42

-You ready? Ready for this?

-Yeah.

-Right. Go on.

0:52:420:52:45

Oh, my...!

0:52:470:52:48

Christmas! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!!

0:52:480:52:51

-Is that my Christmas tree?!

-Of course it is!

0:52:520:52:54

I put it up.

0:52:540:52:56

Oh...my...God.

0:52:560:52:59

-Like it?

-Oh, my God, John!

0:52:590:53:01

It's amazing!

0:53:030:53:04

That is my bobbles on that tree!

0:53:070:53:09

SHE GASPS He's got a Christmas turkey!

0:53:090:53:13

You are mental.

0:53:150:53:16

-You love Christmas!

-I know I love Christmas, I do.

0:53:160:53:20

You love Christmas, I love the Miners'! You love trendy stuff.

0:53:200:53:25

-And you don't.

-Yeah! Hence the cake.

0:53:250:53:28

Oh, John!

0:53:310:53:33

Oh, my God!

0:53:340:53:36

I can't believe it's a nose cake!

0:53:380:53:41

At least I'll be able to shave a bit off it.

0:53:430:53:45

That's what I was thinking - save us three and a half grand!

0:53:450:53:48

I can't believe this is the Miners'!

0:53:500:53:52

This could be anywhere in the world, but this is where we met. That's why it's special to ME.

0:53:520:53:56

Yeah, and you love the Miners', any excuse!

0:53:560:54:01

-To John and Jackie.

-Well done.

-Thank you.

0:54:010:54:05

Man alive!

0:54:070:54:09

This is the Miners'?!

0:54:100:54:12

-This is unbelievable.

-It's Christmas.

0:54:120:54:15

I've never seen the Miners' look so good. Absolutely brilliant.

0:54:150:54:19

CHEERING

0:54:190:54:22

On behalf of my wife and I...

0:54:340:54:36

CHEERING

0:54:360:54:39

..Merry Christmas!

0:54:400:54:42

Credit where credit is due, you have completely nailed it today,

0:54:420:54:46

like, everyone is so happy with you.

0:54:460:54:50

-The bride and groom.

-The bride and groom!

0:54:500:54:53

Normally what we say is that everything John does turns to gold!

0:54:530:54:56

It's been an amazing, amazing, amazing day from basically start...

0:54:560:55:01

-..to finish.

-On behalf of everybody in here, Jackie, we can all say you've got some pair of balls today!

0:55:020:55:08

Perfect. Couldn't have went any better.

0:55:090:55:12

Like, I slag the Miners' off

0:55:120:55:15

a lot.

0:55:150:55:17

-But I still come down here on a Sunday for the karaoke.

-You do.

0:55:180:55:21

-And the good news is, we now have Mr and Mrs Clark membership.

-Do we?!

0:55:220:55:29

I don't think I'll be using that.

0:55:290:55:31

I think I can say, hand on my heart...

0:55:340:55:37

..I'm never getting John out of Kirky.

0:55:380:55:41

Got another treat in store for you.

0:55:410:55:44

-In the toilets?

-Yeah. I like my little touches.

0:55:450:55:49

Aw-w-w-w-w! Oh, my God!

0:55:570:56:00

-My lady doing the toilet!

-I want one of them for the house.

0:56:010:56:05

Am I going to get home and there'll be real kittens in the house?

0:56:070:56:10

No. There'll be four bags of washing, four very large bags!

0:56:100:56:15

Next time, the pressure's on for Gloucester rugby lad Josh.

0:56:170:56:20

I hate shopping, I HATE shopping.

0:56:200:56:23

He's desperate to impress his demanding bride-to-be, Stacey.

0:56:230:56:27

Can you make me some breakfast, please? It's what I want, it's my wedding!

0:56:270:56:31

I don't know! Oh, my God, if I get it wrong...

0:56:310:56:34

But will Josh's good intentions be undone by bad decisions?

0:56:340:56:37

-There will be no wedding if no guests are allowed.

-There will be.

0:56:370:56:42

Will this devoted prince give his princess the most romantic day of her life?

0:56:420:56:45

Is it really here?

0:56:450:56:47

MUSIC: 'The Joker' by The Steve Miller Band

0:56:470:56:51

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:57:070:57:09

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