Nick and Vicky Don't Tell the Bride

This programme contains some strong language

Five years of Don't Tell The Bride.

48 brave brides. 48 game-on grooms.

-Dozens of dress disasters.

-Don't panic.

And one near miss.

-Please, just get on the plane.

-I'm not coming. Game over.

Now we're back for a whole new rollercoaster ride

as 12 more blushing brides leave the biggest day of their lives...

-Oh, my God.

-..in the hands of the men they love.

The grooms get three weeks and £12,000...

-12 Gs, man.

-Are you ready?

-All ready, mate.

And the brides get no say in how it's spent.

-I just don't want to do this any more.

-So saddle up for tears.

-He's not going to get the right one.

-Tantrums.

-Why the hell are we at Thorpe Park on my wedding day?

-And total meltdowns.

I can't plan a wedding. I can't do anything.

Tonight, the stakes couldn't be any higher.

This is to having a second chance at life.

Bride-to-be Victoria has been married before.

We were on a budget. The dresses were hired. Everything was cheap.

And survived a life-threatening illness.

We didn't know whether she would die or end up paralysed.

So can groom Nick put the smile back on her face?

I look stupid in it and it's funny. She'll laugh her head off.

This is my wedding day. It's not a joke any more.

Will he cope with the best woman's bad attitude?

If you don't get it sorted in the next couple of days, you'll see my bad attitude.

-Can controlling Victoria...

-He won't pick that because you said it's not what you want.

-Resist the temptation to meddle?

-I wonder where Nick is now.

Or will stress tip her over the edge?

-It's a wedding, and there's like, no invites.

-Can this man...

-Tell him I'll see you on Thursday.

-Really give this woman...

-Let's teach him a lesson. No invitation, no bride.

-The second chance she deserves?

I don't even want to get married now, because it's just a sham.

This programme contains some strong language.

Today, 28-year-old Victoria Bilio is saying goodbye to her fiance Nick

so that he can arrange their wedding day.

-I'm not driving with that in me car. It lives here.

-You're done.

Victoria met Nick three years ago down the pub in their home town of Widnes near Liverpool.

The rugby player caught her eye with an impromptu striptease.

It was too hot, and he wanted to take his hoodie off.

As he pulled it up, he revealed this rippling six-pack,

and me and me sister were nudging each other under the table.

And I was hooked after that, then, wasn't I? That did it for me.

-Nick wasn't hooked quite as quickly.

-You didn't like me, did you?

-You thought I was a loudmouth Scouser.

-Yeah. When she's not talking, she's nice.

But that didn't stop him making the first move.

He text me and said, "I think it's about time

we became boyfriend and girlfriend."

A bit cheesy.

He may be cheesy, but how could Victoria resist this local rugby hero?

27-year-old Nick has played

top-flight rugby league for Warrington Wolves and Widnes Vikings.

He now plays rugby sevens for England.

I've been playing rugby since I was five years old. Four, five years old.

Back then, you'd never think that I'd be here on this stage

playing for England sevens. And it is a massive achievement,

and it is every local player's dream come true.

Victoria, who's training to work in hospital operating theatres, hasn't always had it so good.

She got married seven years ago at the age of 21.

-The wedding is an unhappy memory.

-It was done on a budget.

And it was what could be afforded at the time,

and I did have to hire my wedding dress.

She had married too young, and the marriage didn't last.

As if that wasn't bad enough,

just two months into her relationship with Nick, disaster struck.

She fell ill with a life-threatening condition.

The illness first started with pins and needles.

Then I started losing the use of my legs, hands,

and it got progressively worse,

up to the point where I couldn't do anything at all.

Victoria was diagnosed with Guillan-Barre syndrome,

an autoimmune disorder that attacks the nervous system.

There was a chance that

I could end up paralysed for the rest of my life in a wheelchair.

It was a disastrous start to the relationship.

I'm not supposed to know about this. I only found out about this recently.

Mum and Dad actually took Nick out for a drink

when they got the diagnosis of what I had wrong with me,

and said to Nick, "Look, we know you've only been going out with each other for a couple of months.

"If you want to walk away, we won't think bad of you."

No, it had never entered my mind to leave her, no. Nope.

-You could have walked away. You had loads of chances.

-I know.

-It's too late now!

-Yeah, I know it is! You've seen me at me worst.

When me face dropped and I couldn't even speak.

I was just lying there like a vegetable.

-Ice cream all over your face.

-Yeah, and you didn't walk.

-You shaved my legs.

-Stop all your fussing.

Are you crying?

But after three months in hospital, she started to recover.

Now, two years on, Victoria is completely back on her feet.

And because of her illness, the couple have not been able

to afford a place of their own, and live with Nick's parents.

It's just me saving at the minute.

It's difficult to have one person to save,

and I helped her out with money, as well, so it's been very hard.

Don't brush up next to me.

The couple share a love for the great outdoors,

be it fishing or going for country walks...with a metal detector?

-Was definitely something there.

-Yeah! Oh, well.

It's not a pot of gold. Maybe another day.

Now Nick has to organise the biggest day of Victoria's life.

After everything she's been through, the stakes are high.

It's second time round now, second chance. It's a big deal.

-For Nick, failure is not an option.

-I don't do things half-hearted.

If I want to do it, do it properly. I don't want to fail.

But he won't be the only one under pressure.

Victoria's a girl who needs to be in control.

I'm obsessed. I write lists.

I plan everything.

I've got a Filofax, everything goes into that.

I am organised and I'm the total opposite to Nick.

His approach to everything's dead relaxed... "Oh, it'll happen",

"I'll get it out the drawer tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow!"

-It'll be all right.

-It'll be all right.

Rugby players aren't known for their feminine touch.

I don't think many women

would let a rugby player do their wedding for them, to be fair.

Unfortunately, this one has

and she might live to regret it!

He thought, the other day, a favour

-was something the guests owe you.

-I did.

I've not got a clue about organising weddings.

Super-organised Victoria,

on the other hand, knows exactly how it should be.

If I was to describe my wedding,

it would be vintage glam.

My ideal wedding would be elegant,

flowery,

summery,

outdoors,

with no horrible, tacky theme.

Victoria's clear on what she wants,

but unfortunately for her, so's Nick!

I was thinking with me being a Royle surname and Vic going

to become a Royle, I was thinking the Royal Wedding theme.

I've got a good sense of humour when it comes to anything else,

but when it comes to the wedding, no, I don't.

It's time for Victoria to say goodbye

and she's already finding it hard to hand over control.

You think you can do it?

Yeah! Easy!

Really, Nick, it's not a rugby game,

-it's a wedding, at the end of the day.

-I know.

You need to organise, concentrate.

We've got good mates, we'll sort it, we'll do it.

Smash it.

See, that's what I mean, it's not a rugby game.

-It's pretty great.

-It's a wedding.

-Only a wedding.

-It's not only a wedding.

-How much harder could it be?

Very hard.

Love you.

I love you, too.

-See you later.

-I'll miss you.

The next time they see each other will be at the altar.

She's gone.

Home sweet home,

for the next three weeks.

Oh, what am I letting myself in for?

Victoria is moving back in with her parents two miles away

on the other side of Widnes.

-Hiya!

-All right?

She'll live with her mum and dad, sister and brother

and they know her only too well.

You're going to go mad.

I just hope he doesn't get dead stressed.

It's only natural, isn't it?

But when he gets like that he might make stupid decisions.

To help Nick make the right decisions,

long-term friend Cpl Paul Reed, AKA Wingnut,

has been drafted in as best man.

Hopefully, his military training will come in handy.

The little rule we live by is the six Ps -

Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

With his troops assembled in the form of brothers Ben and Jacob

and mate Kevin,

Nick heads down the pub for an evening of wedding planning.

He wants to take inspiration from

Will and Kate's big day for his Royal Wedding theme.

Has anyone actually seen the Royal Wedding? I didn't see it.

-Playing golf.

-I was in Seattle.

So basically, we're doing a Royal Wedding and no one...

out of us even watched the Royal Wedding.

Yeah.

Oh dear! Back to the drawing board.

One thing Nick does know,

is how he wants to take Victoria up the aisle.

We can have the aisle coming up, which is long,

we have the church...

You're just drawing a massive penis!

No!

Can you stop it? This is serious shit, this.

And then there's going to be Vic...

Walking down the shaft!

And then basically...

Steady on, boys!

This is Nick's interpretation of the wedding.

I think Tor wouldn't think we're that imaginative.

I now Tor doesn't know and I don't think she wants to guess.

I think she just...Tor's not a person that'd be like,

"Oh, I wonder what it is... I wonder what this..."

-'Really?'

-Do you reckon he's remembered cars?

And gifts for the bridesmaids and best men and...

-I don't think you'll get them.

-No, I don't.

Do you think we'll look bad?

No. People'll understand.

What about favours?

Invitations?

Table plans and stuff?

Do you think he'll know the venue has to blend with the theme?

I know I'm driving you mad... with stressing.

I know I am, but...

I've got no one else to talk to.

While Victoria stresses,

back at the pub, the boys are giving the royal theme all they've got.

# God save our gracious Queen

# God save our Queen. #

God save Victoria(!)

Victoria's disastrous first wedding

was in a budget hotel.

This time round, she wants a venue with serious wow factor.

She's brought dad, Mike, and sister Helen, her chief bridesmaid,

to the recently restored Palm House

in Sefton Park.

It's a glorious glass pavilion she used to visit as a child.

The gardens are lovely.

I've always wanted to get married here, haven't I?

Yeah, it's something different... from your usual type of wedding.

You certainly are different, Victoria.

Victoria might be thinking differently,

but she's not the only one.

Nick and his brothers Jake and Ben are on the lookout

for a wedding venue to host his Royal Wedding.

Wills married Kate in Westminster Abbey. What regal setting has Nick in mind for his princess?

I like this.

A farm. A farm? Well, I suppose Prince Charles might approve.

# I've got a brand-new combine harvester

# And I'll give you the key. #

Heaton House is a working farm

but it does have a licence to hold weddings.

For outdoorsy Nick, it's all about the setting.

It's beautiful round here, it's lovely.

The bulls, sheep, fish, cows, horses, everything.

It may be rural on the outside but with a bit of vision,

Nick is convinced he can make the inside suitably regal.

We could see if we could hire two little throne things

and the table decorations - we'll have red, white and blue flowers,

serviettes...

Way too good for a Scouser, isn't it?

Hello, Victoria, I'm Laura. Pleased to meet you. Are you excited?

I think it's gorgeous, it smells gorgeous.

So, is this where you would get married?

Yes, we would set up the Registrar table here

and then that the chairs will face this way.

I like the fact that it's light, bright. I like being outside.

Just like Heaton House Farm. Not!

In fact, the farm ceremony marquee is in total darkness.

You could be married under the stars.

This one was put in as an extra yesterday

so you can literally have guests all the way around your marriage.

I think I like it dark. I think I like that.

I'd go mad if it was inside and dark, I really would.

I wouldn't want to get married in somewhere dark and miserable.

Unfortunately for Victoria,

Nick will be taking her up the aisle in the dark.

I like the smell.

You wanted an outdoorsy wedding.

-Do we get free permission for metal detecting?

-We can ask.

I don't know if Vic will like it or not,

but I'm doing what I think is nice.

She loves the outdoors so I can't see why she'd hate it.

Apart from the cows!

Westminster Abbey it ain't, but at only £2400, including drinks,

Heaton House Farm, with its scent of cow and dimly lit tent,

gets the Royle seal of approval.

Sorry!

For the girl who was nearly paralysed,

one part of her big day has special significance.

I think it is important to walk down the aisle, definitely.

Enjoy your last moment of freedom?

No, more so the fact

that it might not have been you and me walking down the aisle,

it could have been me on a walking stick

or me and a Zimmer frame.

Some people haven't seen me since hospital at my worst.

-For them to see me actually walking...

-That would be good.

-A picture of health, we hope.

It would be good for us as well, won't it? It's been a long haul.

You've nursed me back to health

and now you're giving me to Nick to look after me.

Oh, my God!

It's just over a week since the couple separated

and committed to his tent on a farm,

Nick needs to figure out how to make it fit for royalty.

He's travelled across the country to Leeds

to rifle for regal regalia at a prop house.

We can make it look Royal without going over the top,

without it being too tacky.

Why did you point at yourself then?

I'm surprised there's not a mirror in front of him!

So, if Big Ben, a bulldog and a throne isn't tacky, what is?

-They're quite good though, aren't they?

-That should do it.

Nick hires two thrones

and a couple of guardsmen for the princely sum of £600.

Let's hope Queen Victoria likes a bit of tack or it'll be...

Off with his head!

Over in Widnes, dark clouds are gathering.

With a week and a half to go until the wedding,

for the girl who needs to be in control, the stress is starting to mount.

When do you think we'll get some invites? Find something out?

-I don't know.

-I just would have thought he would have sent something

but not just that, just to send me an invite

so I have some kind of contact with him.

I thought he would have been missing me and been excited about sending...

I'm sure he is missing you but how do you know that the invites haven't already gone out?

-It would have been nice to hear something by now.

-I know you're stressing...

-I'm not stressing,

I just would have liked to have heard something from him.

I'm sure you will soon. Give him a chance.

The whole point of this wedding is me being there.

-Victoria, I'm sure you're going to get an invitation, don't stress.

-I won't.

Helen decides the boys need a nudge.

Hello?

Everybody is asking me when are the invites going out?

Invites?

In the next couple of days, hopefully.

It's as and when they get done.

Right, OK.

So you can rest easy tonight.

Well, I can't, can I?

I've still got to live here with these lot!

Tell you something right now,

if you don't get sorted in the next couple of days,

you'll see my bad attitude!

Ask Nick what I'm like if I get a mood on.

Seriously though, lads, I'm really trying to hold the fort here

before everyone just has a mad stress kick-off.

Oh, my God!

Nick may be clueless about weddings

but he does know how to cope with pressure.

As an elite athlete, he's trained to win.

He is very competitive, he's a fricking nightmare.

He's always got to be the best.

And there's no reason why this wedding should be any different.

Failure is never an option.

Not at all!

100% success rate, I reckon.

Do you think she'll cry?

I don't know, I'm not.

She is a girl, isn't she?

But there are girls, and there are girls.

Nick has faced some of the toughest rugby teams in the world

but they were just a warm-up for today's game.

It's time to shop for the bridesmaids' dresses.

Hannah and Hayley have Victoria's sister, Helen, on their team.

We want to look classy but not boring.

We just don't show any enthusiasm if they pick anything horrible.

With Helen's famous bad attitude to contend with,

competitive Nick is going to have to play a blinder.

Bridesmaids?

We need to kit you girls up.

Nicely!

Ladies and gents, let's have a good, clean game, shall we?

Which way to the dresses?

I don't know, you're in charge.

Nick's colour scheme is red, white and blue

and with the bride in white,

there's really only one choice for the bridesmaids.

Is that nice, Paul? I don't know girls' stuff.

No, Nick. Nick? No!

No-one is a size 10.

There's a size 12.

It'll look better on, girls. Chin up! Chin up!

They're going to be slagging us off in there.

Who wears that? That's from 1993.

Oh, my God! I look like I'm going to a school prom.

-It's the colour.

-It's horrible.

It feels like...

Check out the face on that.

Oh, gorgeous.

They're not all that bad.

Nick, Nick, I'm telling you now, our Victoria will not like this.

Nick, is this serious?

Look, we need to try things on.

I thought they were all right.

We're not experts so...

Until we see them on.

Next dresses!

No way, I'm not wearing this.

This is actually worse than the first one.

-It looks cheap and tacky.

-It does.

This is 1970s disco!

They look jag. It doesn't zip up.

Excuse me, go back into your cave and we'll go and get another one.

We're going to enjoy our brew.

If Helen comes out with that face again...

Seriously?

Can we establish something? If you come out and pull that face every time, Helen,

we will just give you terrible dresses, just until you start being nice.

-It looks like crepe paper.

-It does!

So why don't you think about us? Why did you pick it off the rail?

Oh, is this one shoulder?

Oh, one shoulder is nice, give it a chance.

That could look nice but it could look a bit Club Tropicana.

Trolls, come on!

-They're quite nice actually.

-Don't like it.

-Hayley, what do you think?

-I quite like this one, but I'm not sure Victoria would.

This has got nothing to do with her.

-It's her wedding.

-It's our wedding. She's left us have to plan it.

I think they're nice. You're just fussy buggers - do you like it?

-It's not the worst.

-Best of a bad bunch.

-That's what we said.

It looks nice. You look lovely, honest.

-From a lad's point of view, you look fit.

-Really?

You look bang tidy.

THEY LAUGH

Ah, the power of a compliment(!)

Let me see the back. Turn round.

That's nice. You're having it.

THEY LAUGH

What do you think, lad?

I don't care. It fits them all so they can have it.

That's another £360 gone,

together with the goodwill of his future sister-in-law.

-She's going to hate these dresses.

-Is she?

-Yeah.

Helen may know something about the wedding, but Victoria still doesn't.

Hating being left in the dark, she's decided to find out exactly what Nick is planning.

Hiya, you OK?

-From a psychic.

-I'm Jenny.

-Hello.

As you do.

Right, we're in here.

-So, have you had a reading done before?

-I have by friends.

Right, OK.

I start off with my unicorn cards

and then I'll move on to my tarot cards.

-And if anyone wants to come and say hello, spirit-wise, they will do.

-OK.

That card up there just gives me

the overall feeling of what's happening at the moment.

Cos that card signifies that you're really having to hold things together

cos everything feels really out of the norm for you.

Whatever gives her that idea?

I'm going to say now what you think is going to happen.

The wedding is right.

-I don't know, you've got a few ideas going around your head.

-I have.

But Victoria wants details.

I get more of like a marquee.

What they're showing me is like lights at the top...

like, twinkly lights inside for the evening do.

-It's not a dark room? Cos I don't want to get married in a dark room.

-No.

-Good.

-I've actually got...

I've gone all funny now.

-I got a bit of a beam of sunlight from a big window.

-That sounds good.

It seems like quite an old window with that coming through

-and you're at the front getting married. I

-want a big, happy, bright room with loads of light.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

I keep getting colours as well, like a blue and silver colour,

or deep blue.

-Is there a theme?

-I don't think so.

-OK.

Oh, there's definitely a theme.

And nothing says Royal Wedding better than bunting.

The boys have come to raid a local market of paraphernalia

left over from Will and Kate's big day.

Excuse me, have you got any flags like these? I need 60-odd of them.

Can we leave a deposit and we'll bring them back? Keep going.

This isn't what Royals do. Royals don't go round robbing stuff like this.

Nick's not the only Royle at the market.

-She's been eating her greens!

-Will and Kate have dropped in.

-Turn them to each other to kiss.

-Turn round, that's it.

Give Kate a whirl.

How many people can say they've been inside Kate?

THEY LAUGH

I was inside Will.

Bet the psychic didn't predict that! But what she did predict has satisfied Victoria.

I don't know if it's classed as cheating,

what I've just done, because, like,

although I don't know what's going on with the wedding,

if she's right, which I think she is, then I've just found out.

I'm going to have blue bridesmaids, which I'm not very happy about,

so, on that hand, I'm a bit peeved that I'm going to have blue.

But then she's described a nice dress, which is good,

so it's kind of a good balance.

Now that Victoria knows everything there is to know about the wedding,

maybe she can relax.

It's nearing the end of the second week and this rugby player's budget

is taking a battering.

He's spent £1,600 on decorations and flowers...

Probably have reds, whites and blues. Very Union Jack-ish.

..blown £2,700 on catering.

First time for trying asparagus.

But the cost of the cake was his dignity.

Cos my last name's Royle, and she's going to be a Royle,

we're doing the Royal Wedding.

SHE LAUGHS

So we're looking at red, white and blue.

I can do me best for you.

With another two grand earmarked for guest transport and treats on the day,

there's less than £2,000 left in the Royal treasury.

It's the day of the dreaded wedding dress shopping.

We've got to go and get a dress now.

And, despite the fact they need to fight a dress to rival

Kate Middleton's for less than a grand,

Nick and Wingnut are in high spirits.

HE SINGS

This is what's going to make or break the start of her day.

And if we mess this up she's going to be in a bad mood.

Excuse-moi, excuse-moi, excuse-moi. Yes.

At Victoria's first wedding she wore a rented dress that didn't fit.

This time she's desperate to have the dress of her dreams.

-Hiya, all right?

-Hiya, Pauline.

-Nice to meet you, love.

She's showing mum Kath and sister Helen the style that she wants -

a simple, classy number.

-That might be too full.

-So you don't like all the flouncy stuff?

No. I want it just plain and simple.

I don't like a lot of bling, I only like a little bit.

Playing rugby for England isn't the best training

for how to choose a wedding dress.

But if ever there was a time when failure was not an option,

this is it.

OK, do you want to have a little look round first?

-Yeah, is that OK?

-Yes, no problem.

-OK.

-They all look the same.

-They do all actually look the same.

-At least the colours fit his theme.

-I'm getting worried now. I'm scared.

Could be... I just... I don't...

I don't know, Paul. I don't know.

Victoria thought she knew, but she's starting to change her mind.

I said I didn't want lace,

but these are kind of catching my eye a little bit.

Suddenly it's the bigger princessy dresses that she likes the look of.

That's nice.

-It's gorgeous.

-I like the bottom. And I didn't think I would.

This is something that I would definitely not pick.

The back's got a nice little fancy button detail on it as well.

This is a nice princess dress for Princess Victoria.

-After all, I am going to be a Royle, aren't I?

-Yeah.

-Did you know that his name is Royle?

-No, I didn't.

-Yeah, yeah.

-So you're going to be part of royalty?

-Yeah, Victoria Royle I'm going to be.

-Proper regal name.

-Regal name, yeah. I didn't want to be centre of attention

and have a big showy day, but now I'm sort of like,

-I want a big dress, I want people to know I'm the bride.

-Yeah.

I'm going to be dead disappointed now, aren't I, if I don't get it?

He's not going to pick anything like that cos you told him

that's not what you want.

She's been on his case since the moment they got engaged.

Oh, no.

Victoria's filled Nick's head with the idea of buying a plain dress.

-I know. And now she's changed her mind.

-And now she's changed her mind.

"I want this one, Nick. I'd like one like this."

I didn't think he was paying attention, to be honest, when she told him, anyway.

Looks like he was paying attention.

The groom's looking at simple dresses.

-Do you like that?

-Yeah.

What are you saying? You like the boobs?

You're trying to make me go red, aren't you?

It's quite nice, isn't it? It'll look nice on Tor's bum!

Victoria's really taking her princess theme and running with it.

This is another one I said I wouldn't like. And I didn't want tulle, did I?

-Oh.

-That's lovely, that one.

The bigger the better, I think.

You look even more like a princess now.

-That's lovely.

-It's gorgeous.

-It's absolutely gorgeous.

The more I try on the bigger ones the more I want a bigger one.

I'm starting to stress.

-What's your nightmare dress that you could get?

-Nightmare dress?

Something dead, dead plain with no detail on.

Back in the boys' camp

and Nick's narrowed his choice down to two dead plain dresses.

HE WHISTLES

-God, the dilemma!

-Hmm.

That's got such a nice front, but that's got such a nice rear.

Hey!

THEY LAUGH

-What, the dress? Or...

-Ding-dong!

-He solves the dilemma as only a sporting man can.

-Right, OK.

-Toss-up - that one or that one front on?

-The right one.

Good decision, mate.

Believing he's bang on the money with Victoria's dress,

Nick's looking at a bill of £1,400, but it's more than he can afford.

It's £604 well over our budget.

-OK.

-We'll pay the £1,404, but would you be able to throw in the shoes

and a tiara?

OK, we will help you with that.

Not only is Victoria going to get the dress she no longer wants...

See you, girls.

..but it's also blown the budget.

It's going to mean cutbacks to her dream day.

It's the weekend before the wedding and time for the royal stags

and hens to let their hair down.

With just £600 left in the budget, Nick's foregoing the traditional blowout

and taking the stags camping.

Oh, who's done that? Oh, my God!

But there's no holding back on the hen do.

THEY CHANT

Do you know what this is? This is to having a second chance at life.

THEY CHEER

To second chances!

Second chances are on Nick's mind, too.

This wedding just will mean so much to us

because of everything she's been through.

She was so ill. You didn't know if she was going to die, if she was going to live,

whether she was going to end up paralysed.

It's heartbreaking when you see someone like that.

That's why I'm putting everything into this as well,

cos she does, cos she's done so well and she deserves it.

I'm looking forward to being married.

I am.

I think.

The hen do doesn't end at the pub.

Nick's arranged for his princess to dance around her handbag.

I'm so looking forward to tonight.

But you know what I'm looking forward to even more?

Marrying Nick.

ALL: Aaww!

I love him to bits.

THEY CHEER

I just want to be Mrs Royle.

THEY CHEER

I love him. I love him so much I could eat him.

THEY SCREAM

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

I'm having a good time, yeah. He's done me proud.

I'm so drunk.

I'm so drunk, honestly.

But I'm having a good night, so even if the wedding's bad,

the hen do was boss.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, stop it.

It's the week of the wedding.

The Royal coffers are almost bare

and the gold-embossed invitations have yet to land on the guests' mats.

But his colour scheme is coming on nicely.

With the bride in white and bridesmaids in blue,

now he just needs someone to wear red.

So he's come up with a plan to amuse Queen Victoria.

It's the two Beefeaters.

THEY LAUGH

Right, go and try them on and come back in in a minute.

Though brother Ben and mate Gaz don't find it so funny.

This is so shit.

HE LAUGHS

Fucking quality!

I'm not bothered how tikey it looks, they look stupid and it's funny.

So it's happening.

Stood like that, dressed up, she'll laugh her head off.

But Victoria isn't in the mood for laughing.

She's convinced Nick should have arranged to have her nails and eyebrows done by now,

so she and sister Helen are taking matters into their own hands.

I would've thought he would've arranged this by now, wouldn't you?

Yeah. He is leaving things like this a bit last minute now.

Are you really disappointed, though?

That he never remembered to get this done?

-Yeah.

-I am, actually.

Everyone gets their nails done on their wedding day, don't they?

Yeah. I can't believe he forgot. I'm a little bit annoyed.

Over in Chester, Nick is thinking of her, just not her nails.

It needs to be strapless. Is that what a strapless bra looks like?

Just when did underwear shopping become a team sport?

The only thing you know with Victoria is even though she's an 8,

she doesn't like 'em fitted, she likes 'em baggy.

-A baggy thong?

-Mate, seriously.

-That's so sexy(!)

-She's weird.

THEY LAUGH

Well, for one day, she's going to get what she's given.

With the wedding in three days,

what Victoria really wants is for the invites to be sent out.

Everyone keeps asking me, "When are we getting the invites?"

What's Nick playing at?

It's not like it is a "trip to the pub," it's a wedding.

And there's, like, no invites out at all now, three days to go.

How do I stress when you say, last minute,

"Do you want to go to the pub?"

-I can't go to the pub last minute, can I?

-No.

I've got to be ready up here, in my head.

-You've got to check your diary.

-Yeah!

Probably get them on Thursday morning.

Do you know what I'd love to do if we don't get one? Not come. Not turn up.

The psychic said, "Monday or Tuesday."

They told me, "By the weekend at the latest." The weekend's been and gone.

The weekend. Let's teach him a lifelong learning lesson.

No invitation, no bride.

Oh, my God.

Nick has a good excuse why nobody's received an invite yet.

He's not finished writing them.

I'd rather be outside now, having a barbecue with the lads,

but it's my own fault.

What an idiot. What an idiot.

-When's the wedding?

-In a few days.

Three days?

It's not enough that the boys are giving him a hard time,

Victoria's got Helen on the warpath too.

-Hiya, Nick.

-How are you, you OK?

Basically, Nick, I need to know, when are the invites going out?

We had a slight problem. There was a problem

at the shop, cos I had them specially made, you see.

'Oh, right, OK.'

And then they messed it up and they sent them to the wrong branch,

so then we couldn't pick them up until Saturday morning.

-OK, that's fair enough.

-All right, then.

-'Yeah, that's fine.'

Yeah, everyone will have them by Wednesday.

OK, and Victoria's getting hers tomorrow?

Hers is specially made, hers is different as well.

-It's different again.

-'OK, that's fine.'

That's fair enough, then, if that's not his fault

if there's been a problem.

How did you keep such a straight face? Lying!

Specially made, my arse.

It's time to break the news to Victoria.

-You're going to get your invite tomorrow...

-And what's his excuse?

..Definitely. Just hang on.

Everybody else is going to get theirs on Wednesday.

The reason it's took so long is not Nick's fault.

They've had to get them specially made

and either they didn't make them right,

or they sent them to the wrong place.

I couldn't really hear what he said.

That's bullshit. You don't send invitations out a day before.

But that's not his fault, there's been a problem.

Then you come up with an alternative.

But he's paid to have them specially made.

I don't believe that for one second.

Well, whether you believe it or not, that's what he said,

so don't shoot the messenger.

-Who's doing mine?

-You're getting yours specially made.

Yours is different.

And who's making it, Australia? Delivered by pigeon?

He's an idiot.

I'm just going to the bathroom.

She's just overreacting.

I think you should just ring him and tell him, I'm not coming. Tell him!

Unless there's a real reason as to why these invitations

haven't gone out and they're not going out till Wednesday.

-It's not on.

-He did give you a real reason!

-No, that's...

That's not even real! That is a load of lies. That's pathetic!

Ring him up and tell him if them invitations don't go out tonight,

there won't BE a wedding!

But he might not physically have them.

Ring him now and tell him. Cos I'm not coming. I don't care.

-What's so funny? What's so funny?

-Cos he's not going to be able to do it!

Ring him and tell him now or I will not be there!

I've had enough now, Mum, this is my wedding day.

It's not a joke any more.

Why didn't you say to him, "That's not good enough"?

You're supposed to be helping me, Helen!

Right, he physically cannot get them out any sooner.

You don't send invitations out 24 hours before!

You can't do this to people. It's wrong!

I don't even want to get married now, cos it's just a sham.

You don't mess people about like that.

-So has he got them there now?

-I don't know.

You were supposed to ring up and ask all this. Are you thick?!

SHE LAUGHS

Do you know what? Obviously I am, so you can ring him yourself.

Oblivious to the storm raging across town,

Nick has finally finished the invites.

Clench!

I hope that's not hers.

I'll just take this now.

THEY LAUGH

The next day, and Victoria finally receives a special delivery.

There's no-one. Oh, no! Oh, how embarrassing!

-What the hell is that?

-He's put it on a crutch!

-No, it's not, it's a metal detector.

-Is it a little map?

"It's buried in the garden, under your dad's lawn."

Dad's going to kill him.

-That's amazing.

-In the front or the back?

-Back.

-Oh, there's loads of stuff here.

-I can't believe he's making us...

My dad is going to kill him.

Such a romantic gesture.

METAL DETECTOR BUZZES

Oh!

-Dig?

-Dig.

-What the hell?

-It's in a Tupperware box!

That's our little box that we put all our findings in.

"Victoria Bilio, soon to be Royle,

"you are invited to the marriage of me and you, Thursday 1st September."

-"The marriage of me and you."

-"Be ready to leave by 11.45."

Let's go to the pub.

Let's go and celebrate you knowing it's Thursday.

But in the pub, Victoria receives a timely reminder

why she should sometimes relax her control, just a little bit.

-Oh, my God, are you joking me?

-What?

"Hi, what time can Tor be available tomorrow

"for an eyebrow and nail job?"

I'm not even lying!

-I feel dead bad.

-He's getting your nails done and everything.

-Too late!

I've been shellac-ed!

-Do you want me to say just, "Too late"?

-You'll have to.

"Too late. She had her eyebrows and nails done yesterday."

Is this just a big joke? Has she planned a wedding as well?

And we don't know about it?

"Are you..." a swear word, "..ing winding me up?"

Say no.

Just say, "Let's be honest, it's a bit short notice having it done

"the day before the wedding, or the night before.

-"What if she has a reaction?"

-To the eyebrow wax?

-Yeah.

I feel bad, but I'm glad I've still got mine done.

THEY LAUGH

-I'd say it's better to let him down than you down.

-You know what?

Let it be a lesson to them all involved in the planning.

Proper preparation and planning prevents piss-poor performance.

THEY LAUGH

-Frickin' bitch.

-Told you, she's joking, isn't she?

-No, she's not.

"No, you took too long.

"Preparation and planning prevents piss-poor performance."

She's using my pissing saying now.

Can it and don't send anyone round

and when she turns up looking like a boy cos she's got a monobrow,

cos they've been winding us up...

-Fine.

-Tell Monobrow I'll see her on Thursday.

THEY LAUGH

Unobrow! "I will never love another woman."

It's the day before Victoria Bilio marries Nick Royle

and the day she gets to see the dress all her hopes are riding on.

She wore a hired dress to her first wedding. This one is for keeps.

-Nervous, more than anything.

-Don't be nervous.

-Are you ready?

-No.

I don't think anyone's ever ready for this moment, are they?

Don't know, I've never experienced it.

Please don't let it be horrible.

Please don't let it be a horrible dress.

Victoria's heart is set on a princess dress with lots of sparkle.

Nick's bought her a plain, A-line frock with none.

I do feel a bit sick now.

I don't want to see it until it's on.

I think it's deceiving when it's on the hanger and I might not like it.

I'm not looking, I'm not spoiling it.

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Very, very nervous.

SHE GROANS

To your left.

A bit more to your left.

(Oh, my God.)

Don't get mascara on it.

-It's beautiful.

-Oh, my God!

-It's nicer than the one we tried on in the shop.

-Are you pleased?

You look a million dollars in it, kid. You really do.

Oh, my God, it's gorgeous.

Oh, my God.

Love it. I do.

-You look gorgeous in it.

-You look absolutely stunning.

-The back's fantastic.

-I think he knew what I wanted more than I knew.

Oh, he's done really well.

-It's lovely.

-Do you know if he bought me any extras or anything?

-Extras?

-To go with the dress.

-Accessories?

-Yeah, accessories.

I have got some for you.

-Oh, no.

-Let's have a look.

Oh, they're horrible.

-Oh!

-They're very weddingy. Oh, look, "I do."

Aw. I don't like them, but I like that.

Aw, that's dead sweet.

-They look great on.

-See if I can walk in them, Dad!

I think you'll be able to.

The girl who nearly lost the use of her legs is one step closer

to her dream of being able to walk down the aisle.

-I can't wait for tomorrow!

-I can't now!

It feels dead real, all of a sudden.

-He's done well, really has.

-He has done well, hasn't he? Yeah.

I was really worried about coming here today.

I was really worried about looking like an idiot tomorrow.

I'm not now.

I'll be able to sleep tonight for the first time for three weeks.

It's the morning of the Royle wedding.

Down on the farm, Nick is rolling out the red carpet

for Princess Victoria, while his bride waits anxiously.

After her ill-fated first wedding and her crippling illness,

there is a lot riding on today for Victoria

-and her family.

-Are we off? Someone's here.

-Hiya.

-Hello! You've come to do my hair? Yes!

Nick has booked hair and make-up for his bride.

But after his coffers ran dry, other things have had to give.

-Are you coming to do our hair?

-I'm not, no.

-Are you not booked to do our hair?

-I'm not, no.

-You're not doing the bridesmaids?

-No. Sorry, bride only.

-Really?

The orders were just the bride.

-It's all right, I'll go like this(!)

-It's not just the bridesmaids' hair he's cut back on.

I've just had a text - hold on a minute.

"Just to inform you that you will be driving Vic in your car to the venue.

"Thanks a lot. I will give you five quid petty money."

Shall I reply and say, no chance?

Hel!

Nick's just texted Dad and said that Dad has got to drive me to the venue!

Do you know anyone who has a minibus and we could all go together?

-We'd have to pay.

-I haven't got any more money.

Have you got money over there, moneybags? We had to pay for our own hair!

-Yeah.

-Why is he telling us this now?

The whole point of today for the bride is to turn up in a nice car.

Not to turn up in your dad's estate.

With all the dog hair in it!

-The dogs have just been in it, to go to the kennels.

-I know.

-I am going to be covered in dog hair.

-I'm really pissed off.

You know when you get down the aisle and you turn to one another

and you're meant to give him a kiss, go...

I can't believe it.

Ring him up and tell him he's an idiot.

I'm really pissed off.

She's absolutely fuming. She said she's going to kill him.

-As they say, revenge is a dish best served cold.

-It is, Dad, it is.

-Yeah, see?

Definitely, Dad. If I'm walking, Nick is, now.

It's been a shaky start.

And now, Victoria is about to see her bridesmaids

in the blue dresses the psychic predicted, and she didn't want.

I can hear rustling.

Ohh!

THEY GIGGLE

Oh, you look dead nice!

Don't cry! We told you.

-Get a grip, come on.

-You look dead nice.

Even you, Helen!

Who'd have thought a rugby player could score with the dresses?

And now, Victoria can show off hers.

Aww, Victoria, you look gorgeous.

-You look stunning.

-Gorgeous.

-Do you like it?

-Yeah.

-It's stunning.

With Mum and the bridesmaids driving themselves,

Victoria braves her dad's dogmobile.

-It does say Rottweiler on board, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

Let's hope Nick's choice of venue doesn't leave her sick as a dog!

Down on the farm, the guests are arriving.

And Nick's unorthodox choice of venue is already raising

-a few eyebrows.

-Animal farm!

No way! Can't be.

Only the boys know what lies inside.

Everyone's going to be shocked when they come in here. It's unbelievable.

It's all the hard work, that's it, it's all come together now.

-He's crying!

-I can't help it!

-Jesus Christ, look like a right girl.

-Get the tissues out.

-By the way, these are man tears.

Let's get you married, let's do it.

Victoria and her dad are getting close.

But they've not been directed straight to the venue.

Where are we going?

She may be about to get married on a farm,

but Nick is not about to let his princess turn up in a jalopy.

Victoria will arrive in her very own horse and carriage,

just like Kate Middleton.

Oh, my God! Is that for me?

-Hi, Kev. You look lovely!

-So do you.

Is this for me?

The stresses of the morning are completely forgotten.

I'm really excited.

Didn't expect this.

I've got pains in my cheeks from smiling!

With one romantic gesture, Nick has made her feel like a princess.

But what will she make of the venue?

Heaton House Farm.

-I'm getting married in a farm!

-It's looking possible, isn't it?

-Yeah.

It's gorgeous.

I love it! I love it, honestly. I couldn't ask for any more.

Looks like Nick knew his outdoor-loving girl all along.

# There she was, just a girl

# She expected the world... #

For the girl who thought she'd never walk again,

these are the most important steps of her life.

Waiting for her at the end of the aisle is her second chance.

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much!

-Do you like the place?

-I love it.

-It's gorgeous.

-Good.

Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon and welcome.

We are all gathered here this afternoon to celebrate the marriage of Nick and Victoria.

-You're enjoying this, aren't you?

-Yeah!

Right, Wingnut, it's your big moment, sir!

-Do you think you've got the ring somewhere, sir?

-I hope so.

-OK.

I'd like you to present Nick with Victoria's ring.

-Victoria, I give you this ring.

-Victoria, I give you this ring.

-As a symbol of our marriage.

-As a symbol of our marriage.

And a token of my love and affection.

And a token of my love and affection.

-Nick, I give you this ring.

-Nick, I give you this ring.

-As a symbol of our marriage.

-As a symbol of our marriage.

And a token of my love and affection.

And a token of my love and affection.

It gives me great pleasure to say that you are now husband and wife.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up from Mr and Mrs Royle!

It may not have been the bright room that the psychic predicted,

but from the moment she walked in, Victoria only had eyes for one thing.

The way she was looking at Nick, she's very happy.

And there is one last surprise to be revealed.

-Nick's Royal Wedding theme.

-Are you ready?

-Am I standing still?

-Yeah.

Open your eyes.

Oh, my God!

So, it's a Royal Wedding, Victoria Royle!

Do you like it?

Oh, the thrones!

-You've got a picture of us!

-Yeah.

-Mrs Royle.

-Looks like Queen Victoria IS amused. Mission accomplished.

-Oh, my God, we've got, like, a Posh and Becks throne!

-Yeah.

-Oh, my God!

-Do you like the soldiers?

-I do!

It's not what I would have picked, but do you know what,

I can see why you've done it.

-I love it.

-Do you?

-Yeah, I do. It's tacky, but I love it!

-It's not tacky!

It's nice!

Please, you aren't going to cry?

It's all right, if Wingnut can cry, you can cry.

-Oh, thanks!

-It's all right.

Since the beginning of the day, we've had a boss day.

If I get too drunk and forget to tell you, I've had a good day today.

Thank you two for making idiots of yourselves!

FANFARE, CHEERING

Oh, my God!

Absolutely brilliant. And not too tacky!

Everything looks amazing, everyone's faces are just like, wow!

It's really good, yeah. Really proud of him.

Can you give a huge round of applause and raise your glass to the new Mr and Mrs Royle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She's just so happy and I'm just so made up for her,

she really deserves this happiness.

Definitely. She's like Queen Royle now!

I haven't lost anything, I've gained something here today.

I've gained a right pain in the backside!

-LAUGHTER

-Who has actually ruined my lawn.

We won't talk about that, because he will fix it.

You kind of forgive him a lot of sins when you see his face

when she walked up the aisle, you could not be angry with him.

He looked so happy and so proud, it was just

so lovely to be a part of it.

Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses to Victoria and Nick,

the bride and groom.

I think we have had a really fitting wedding for a princess,

and she really is now a true Royle!

Real credit to him, he's done a really good job. Thumbs up all round.

A massive round of applause for Mr and Mrs Royle on the dancefloor!

After everything Victoria has been through,

Nick's plan to put a smile on her face has well and truly worked.

If I'd have done this wedding, I'd have made it more serious.

You've done what I always say to you, you found the fun in it.

And I love you for that. You've made me feel like a princess today.

SINGING ALONG TO MUSIC

Love you guys!

I've wanted this, like, forever.

And I've got everything I wanted today. I can't thank you enough.

Don't cry!

-The Royal Wedding wasn't as good as this, was it?

-No. Definitely.

How about if it was sort of nationality themed?

Now that's taking it... I'm a bit worried now!

Trying to think, what countries have blue?

Scotland?

No.