Nathan and Nikki Don't Tell the Bride

Don't Tell The Bride celebrates weddings like no-one else.

Congratulations.

This programme contains some strong language.

-From New York to Glasgow...

-Oh, my God!

-..Las Vegas...

-Why would the man I love do this?!

-..to Ibiza.

-I can't even plan a wedding for her.

And one unforgettable roller-coaster ride.

Why the hell are we at Thorpe Park on my wedding day?!

And now we're back as 12 more unsuspecting brides

-prepare for the journey of a lifetime.

-What?!

The grooms get three weeks and £12,000

and the brides get no say in how it's spent.

I would never even imagine Ben could get it this wrong.

-So get ready to rock.

-I don't even want you at the wedding.

As the party reaches new heights.

And sinks to new lows.

With more fairytale ending than ever before.

This is supposed to be the biggest day of my life and I'm not happy.

Switch that off.

Tonight, fun-loving Essex girl Nikki...

Eyelash malfunction.

..gives full control of her wedding to a man stuck in the 18th century.

I'm not normal and I happily admit that.

While Nathan's obsessed with all things historical...

You look like a bit of a knob.

..hairdresser Nikki lives for the now.

I love history...

this much.

With a bride dreaming of a pink, girly wedding...

Candles, love everywhere, glitter!

..know-it-all Nathan refusing to loosen his stiff upper lip...

-Why don't we go for tea at the Ritz?

-Oh, no!

..and EVERYONE doubting his choices.

You're allergic to having fun.

Just let go for once.

-Tut-tut, Nathan.

-Will this wedding make history...

No way, absolutely not.

You don't have to worry about breaking anyone's legs.

..for all the wrong reasons?

I can't believe he's done that.

Can this history-loving man give this very modern girl...

What?

..the wedding of her dreams?

Oh, I love him, I really love him...

but he better get it right!

Nikki Bacon and Nathan Bones grew up

just 10 minutes down the road from each other,

but despite coming from the same neighbourhood,

this Essex couple are worlds apart.

Born and Bred in Basildon, Nikki stays true to her Essex roots.

I'm a hair dresser called Nikki!

Where you going on holiday? Anywhere nice?

'Proud Essex girl, that's me.'

But credit advisor Nathan is far from your typical Essex lad.

The cravat, I think it's nice.

I like to think Prince William at rest.

And since a child, Nathan has been obsessed by all things historical.

I have a love for history, the Royal Family.

As a kid, I watched the Royal Tournament,

watched Trooping Of The Colour.

And if there's one thing that's really Nathan's cup of tea, it's...

well, a cup of tea.

I think I'm in a jasmine mood.

'I'm very serious about tea.'

Loose leaf green tea, particularly.

One and a half spoonfuls will suffice. Cast-iron teapot.

I'm just a passionate person, really.

But when tea-drinking Nathan met fun-loving Nikki

on a blind date two years ago...

their fairytale romance was straight out of the history books.

You are like the queen of my world.

-Aww.

-She's just my soulmate, really.

-I like that.

I don't really believe in a soul,

but I believe that if two chemical reactions,

of two people who've been together for a long period of time,

-then that's fine.

-You just had to...

Why?! It was nice.

-Oh, you're my soulmate too.

-Thank you very much.

What Nathan really loves

is that down-to-earth Nikki isn't anything like him.

I would hate to marry someone like me.

It would be awful, we'd row all the time.

It would be... Oh! It would be an absolute nightmare.

And luckily for Nathan, Nikki can't get enough of a man with manners.

He's always been so attentive - "Are you OK? Are you sure?

"Right, OK." If I'm OK, the world's OK.

Nathan not only acts the English gent, he lives the part too.

So, in typical quirky Nathan style,

he and Nikki rent a flat in a 19th-century country hotel.

Have you any post for me, by any chance? Anything...?

Fantastic. Lovely.

We have quite an odd living situation.

Essentially, we're in ostensibly a country hotel.

-We have access to their various facilities.

-We've got a bar.

There's bar, there's a reading room, there's a swimming pool,

There are tennis courts. It's nice.

-We absolutely love it, don't we?

-We do love it, yeah.

But with a couple who are this different,

it's not always domestic bliss.

Especially when know-it-all Nathan tries to educate his Essex girl.

The Union flag will always be on the top of the parliament building

unless the queen is there giving a speech,

then the Union flag is lowered and the Royal Standard is raised...

'Some things he says are quite interesting.'

Just sometimes they're really boring.

..to show the sovereign is in situ.

Nope?

Nothing.

Oh, Nelson's Column.

Let's hope Nathan has Nikki's FULL attention on the wedding day.

Now, that's my sort of architecture!

If the wedding's too historical, our bride could get hysterical.

I have worried that he might do a pretentious wedding,

but I don't think he'd want our guests going, "God, this is awful."

The wedding I want to give would be as grand as possible -

it would be a state banquet.

It will be opulent, it will be regal, it will majestic

and it will be the day that she deserves

and the best day that I could give her.

But the best day for Nikki would be a girly wedding in Essex.

Ah!

This is what the wedding could look like, if I was doing it myself.

'I do want a feminine wedding.'

I'd want a love heart, a bird sitting there,

like an owl sitting on a table.

SHE PANTS EXCITEDLY

'Everything being pink and love and hearts.'

I just think it's sweet, nice and girly.

I'm seeing oak panelling, portraits,

I'm seeing history, I'm seeing pomp, pageantry.

I want to give Nik the best day possible

and I want it to be as grand as I can for her.

Maybe I could be Nik's prince for the day. I can live for a day.

With Nikki's happiness on the line,

will Nathan make history, or become history?

-Don't cock it up!

-Thank you.

-Does that make you feel better?

-Shit.

-I'm sure it will be lovely.

-It will be.

-Please!

-We'll see.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I now declare this suitcase closed.

Ha-ha(!)

It's time for our couple to say goodbye.

-I don't really want to go.

-I know.

The next time they see each other

will be the most historic day of their lives.

WHISPERS: I'm going to miss you.

I'll miss you too.

The next three weeks will fly by.

Then no more being apart. That's it. Done.

You all right? You all right?

THEY WHISPER: I love you so much.

-I love you, too.

-Good.

Love you.

I'll miss her so much.

In a way, I feel like she's popped to work or she's popped out

and she'll be back in a minute.

It's difficult. So, yeah.

Got to crack on.

Start me off very easily.

Meanwhile, Nikki is checking back in to the hotel of Mum and Dad...

You silly girl.

..where her childhood bedroom is a girly, pink shrine

to the perfect wedding.

Look at it! It's so pretty. To me, this is, like...

cute.

Just pink and girly.

This is like a wedding. Look - drape-y, roses, beads.

This is how I want the wedding.

All the ushers and things and even bits in my dress

to be like pale pinks.

All the detail, all the favours and stuff and all the backs of the chairs

to be pale pink.

That would be amazing.

That might be too much to ask.

Because his favourite colour definitely isn't pink.

While Nikki dreams of getting married in her bedroom...

..ten minutes up the road, best man Greg has been summoned to the hotel.

This 24-year-old drum-and-bass-loving body builder

is a proper Essex boy!

He's also Nathan's little brother.

Hiya, you all right? I'm here for Nathan.

Can you drop him a call to let him know his brother's arrived?

No problem.

PHONE RINGS.

-Hello?

-Hey, Nathan. I've got your brother down at reception.

That's great. Send him up. Thank you, bye.

He said go straight up.

Cheers, mate. Thank you.

Party animal Greg is determined

to pull his brother into the 21st century.

I like going out a lot more than Nathan

and just having a good time, really. Nathan's just a bit...boring.

Nath! What do you look like?

Who wears a cravat on a daily basis, really?

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Good to see you.

-You too. How are you?

-Not bad.

Hopefully, for the next three weeks,

I can bring out the fun in him,

rather than the uptight, serious Nath that you usually see.

Most little girls grow up dreaming of their wedding day.

As a little boy,

Nathan dreamt of state banquets for his historic day.

I want to get the venue as grand as possible.

I want to go for basically a room with oak panels, oil paintings.

The wedding breakfast to be on a long table, like a banquet.

Yeah?

How do you feel about wearing a 19th-century military uniform?

Nath! I'll look a bit silly.

But, for you, I suppose I'll do it.

And also, music, certainly for the ceremony. Prince Of Denmark's March.

It's the same music that was used in Diana and Prince Charles' wedding.

That's very traditional. It's very good.

I've got a great version of it.

That's the run-down, that's essentially what I'm looking for.

-It's what I want to do.

-It's not something I would have.

With Greg not committing to the grand theme,

Nathan is soldiering on with his plan

to be Nikki's prince for a day...

Wonderful. That's...

..in an 18th-century Napoleonic uniform.

It just looks amazing. It's brilliant. I love it.

Whether she will or not... is a completely different story!

She might think, "Oh, my God. What are you wearing?"

More than likely!

Everything else is for her. This is for me.

This is a bit of self-indulgence.

Meanwhile, Nikki is blissfully unaware

of Nathan's ferret-trimmed fantasy.

-What's the worst he can do?

-I wouldn't like fancy dress.

That would be pure tacky.

I don't think he's do that. I HOPE he wouldn't do that.

If he wants to wear a cravat, he can wear a cravat with a suit.

I'd like him in a navy suit.

It's just if he does a really mad theme.

He wouldn't do that, would he?

Looks like he has.

You look like a bit of knob.

Obviously, I'd go down the street wearing this, but...

Yeah, right(!) You'd love it.

What, wearing this?

If you're getting married in it,

surely you've got to feel a bit comfortable?

-I think "Sod it. It's only once."

-One time and one time only.

Oh, well. I think it's great.

Mm.

Go on, Nath. See you later.

You definitely owe me one.

So Nathan has his Prince Charming outfit

and a mortified brother, all for £325.

With Nathan revelling in pomp and pageantry,

Essex girl Nikki like things a little less formal.

Oh, see, look. I bet Nathan wouldn't like this.

All eyes will be on you at the top table!

You worry me.

I haven't got green, have I?

I feel like I've got a bit of that... What is it?

Watercress.

She might not know her manners,

but Nikki does know exactly what she wants for her wedding day.

Two o'clock - "I do." Chat, chat, chat, meal, meal, meal.

Milling.

Drink, drink, drink. Photos, snap, snap, snap.

Back in, back in. Sit, sit, sit. Eat, eat, eat.

Speech, speech, speech.

Dance till one o'clock in the morning. Done.

Nikki Bacon's wedding.

Just get it done, Nath. Get it done.

Poor Nathan - he's got a lot of pressure.

I'm not that horrible! I love him.

Oh, no, I love him! I really love him,

but he better get it right!

CROCKERY CLATTERS

With his military outfit

setting the bar pretty high on the I-love-history scale,

Nathan has come the nation's capital

to find a venue stately enough for his vision.

And he's thinking historic.

He's thinking iconic.

He's thinking Tower Bridge!

-It's world-famous, isn't it?

-Of course it is.

One of the most famous buildings in the whole world.

-Do you reckon Nik would like it as well?

-I think Nik would love it.

Yeah, it's different, isn't it? Nik loves a bit of...

Yeah, she'd love that.

A million miles away from the hustle and bustle of London is Orsett Hall.

-This would be amazing, wouldn't it?

-It's lovely.

This Essex venue might be more TOWIE than Tower Bridge,

but it's modern enough for down-to-earth Nikki.

And she's brought her mum

and bridesmaid Faye along to take a look.

This is exactly what I wanted.

We've got the bridge, we've got the water, we've got the surroundings.

Oh, my God. This is nice.

And I really wanted a bridge.

I don't know why I want the bridge and the water but it's just romantic.

Yeah, it's sweet!

This is it, Nath. I've found the venue. Can you hear me?!

Nikki has grounded hopes of a quaint little bridge,

but Nathan has a much more superior idea.

With its dizzying views of London, Tower Bridge is a unique location.

But there's a problem.

It just isn't big enough for Nathan...

It's too narrow.

..and the walkway reception room just isn't stately enough.

It's too industrial-looking. It's not grand enough.

London's most famous landmark isn't measuring up to Nathan's standards.

I can't describe really how disappointed I am.

Cutting the wedding party down by a third, Nath.

No way. Absolutely not.

I think my other issue as well... It's iconic on the outside,

but on the inside it feels like a function suite, which is what it is.

It's not what I want. You can't polish a turd, unfortunately.

Not to say that this is a turd. It's an iconic building, but it's not...

-You know.

-You just called it a turd!

It's not what I want. I feel a bit disappointed,

but I feel galvanised and ready to move on to the next thing.

With Nathan thinking Tower Bridge is a bit, er, poo,

he has come to see Stationers' Hall,

just a stone's throw from St Paul's Cathedral.

As you want a lovely state banquet...

MUSIC: "Waltz Of The Flowers" By Tchaikovsky

I love this.

It's big enough, it's grand enough

and, at 500 years old, it's historic enough. Even for Nathan.

Ooh. You can really have a nice waltz in here, couldn't you?

Very nice. Very grand.

Yes. This will do nicely. This will do very nicely indeed.

I absolutely love it. I love the heraldry round the sides,

the ceiling.

I love it all.

Yeah, it's pretty special.

What do you reckon?

I'd give it a bit of a....

GREG GROANS

I think it's great.

I beg you don't do the wave on the day!

-You bet I don't?

-So cringey.

Who cares if it's cringey for a day?

Back in Essex, Nikki has found her wedding heaven.

Ohhhhhh! Look at it!

And it's a very pretty, pink, girly place.

-It's amazing.

-Fairy lights. There's fairy lights everywhere.

It's lovely.

The tables have to be round.

Yeah, I agree with that.

Just traditional.

If he can just keep everything as traditional as he possibly can,

then he'll do it fine. Just don't start mucking it up

and changing things.

This is where I would like if I could pick

-where I'd want to get married now.

-But Nikki can't pick.

And a girly wedding with round tables

couldn't be further from Nathan's manly venue.

-It is just your cup of tea.

-It is my cup of tea.

-Right up your street.

I suppose it's not massively girly, is it?

But hopefully it's not that much of an issue.

-It's worth a shot, isn't it?

-Mmm.

Who wouldn't want to get married

in the middle of the capital, at the end of the day?

Nik is done with London, I think, because when she used to work here

and she used to commute for quite some time.

But we've had so many happy memories in London and doing things.

-Doesn't like London?!

-No, she doesn't hate London.

I think she just disliked the commuting side of things

-and the rat race.

-Oh, right. You never said that before.

He wouldn't go out of Essex, I know he wouldn't.

-We're both from Essex so...

-It makes sense.

There's no way he would go somewhere else. No way.

What about London, though?

-Do you think he might go to London?

-No, I hope not.

No, he wouldn't because I hate London.

-She will like it.

-You're worrying me now!

Don't worry about it. It's fine.

Like it or not, Nathan has splashed a whooping £6,000

on the wedding venue and food, slap bang in the middle of London!

After her brush with Orsett Hall,

Nikki can't get her dream venue out of her head.

I'd quite like a nice, little, traditional sit-down.

-Nice chairs.

-It's not going to happen.

-I wouldn't want...

Nathan isn't traditional, is he? It's not going to be normal.

I don't like how confidently you said that.

-I keep thinking it's going to be a medieval banquet.

-Why?!

-Well, he's into history, isn't he?

-Yeah.

-I reckon it's something to do with history.

-Nah, that's boring.

-Why not?

-No, I don't think he'll be that mad.

-Am I that deluded that's what will happen?!

-No, no. I think...

Well, I hope so.

-Ohhhh.

-I don't think it's going to be run-of-the-mill.

I think she thinks it's going to be. She's thinking pink dress, bride...

I don't think it's going to be that.

Are you starting to panic now?

I am, because you're quite confident about it.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I just want it to look like a wedding and not a play.

Do you know what I mean?

Just like... Nice placements, round tables,

not long, wooden, horrible, cold tables and everybody sits... Urgh.

It's the end of week one.

And with half the budget spent,

the brothers are trying to work together

on the rest of the wedding plans.

-Hen and stag do, obviously.

-Yep. 'Course.

-You know that's the most important one.

-No, it's not. Anyway...

-Is there anything else you can think of?

-OK.

So, dress, shoes...

-Also, her underwear as well.

-Come on! No, no!

-No, no, no, no, no.

Nath! You're saying the stag's unimportant yet...

underwear for the wedding's important?

Yeah. I've got to get her a garter.

I'm sure she's got some all right stuff.

HE SIGHS

All right.

So what do you even think it entails, then,

if you think it's just completely pointless?

Going out to sort of, you know... On the razzle for one last big blowout

and things like that and that's never been me.

And I don't really see necessarily why I should start now.

It's your stag do! Surely you can have a little bit of fun.

You're allergic to having fun.

-I'm not allergic...!

-Yes, you are!

-I'm not allergic to having fun.

-Yes, you are.

-I have fun in my own ways.

You really are.

So what would you want to do then?

Can we... Why don't we go for, like, tea at the Ritz?

Oh, Nath!

-Seriously?!

-Yeah, it would be nice!

-The two of us...

-This is something...

Two stags on the razzle.

Nathan, I'm not going to go and have tea somewhere for a stag do.

It's my stag do, though.

We'll have to sort you out. I'LL sort you out.

I'll sort you out and we'll have a good night.

I just think Nathan needs to learn how to have a good time, really.

He's a bit of an old man.

And I don't think he's going to change that, but for one night,

hopefully, we can just put him out of his comfort zone

and just get him to just let his hair down a little bit.

The stag thing is annoying me

because when Greg goes out, he goes OUT out.

He really, really goes for it.

And it's not to say that I'm boring.

People are individuals. People have funny, different ways

and I don't care if it makes me look boring.

I'm really, really not interested.

He might not be as wild as his drum-and-bass best man,

but Nathan lives for pomp and pageantry

and he has a classic idea for a wedding entrance.

OK. So, this song is called Zadok The Priest

and it's one of Handel's coronation anthems.

We would at this point be walking up now to the front of the thing,

the front of the minstrels gallery.

And then the kiss.

MUSIC REACHES A CRESCENDO

# Normally I try to run

# And I might even want to hide

# I never knew what I wanted

# Till I looked into your eyes. #

I am worried about what music's going to be at the wedding.

He likes to have...what he likes,

cos music's obviously the most important thing in the world.

It's just a bit of music, isn't it? It's just in the background,

something you can have a little dance to.

Not listen to music that nobody's heard of. Gets on my nerves.

-Hoping to find someone to support his plan for a sedate stag...

-Hi!

..Nathan has come to see his mum and stepdad.

-Lovely to see you.

-Nice to see you too. All right.

Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg.

Oh, yeah, how's it going with Greg?

Issue.

-I think he wants to tie me up to a lamppost.

-That's the norm.

Not for me, it's not. I'm not normal and I quite happily admit that.

-So what do you want to do, then?

-I considered having tea at the Ritz.

No, Nath.

-Just let go for once. Let go.

-Yeah, I know...

You can't go for tea at the Ritz for your stag do.

You're being stupid now.

Nathan does always have this posh persona.

And yet I would have never, ever, ever in a million years

thought he'd have a girl like Nikki.

When he walked through the door with her, I couldn't believe it.

You know, there's him drinking his tea in his flouncy cups

and goodness knows what.

And you know, hairdresser, Essex... Yeah.

It's...

Nathan? Snob? Nah.

After a week apart from party-pooper Nathan,

fun-loving Nikki has met up with her older, protective brother, Jay.

-Do you miss him?

-A lot.

-Really?

-Mmm.

"Oh, Christ."

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, I miss him so much.

A little tear!

He is nice though, isn't he?

-Mmm.

-He's so nice. And handsome.

When I first met him, he was a little bit Marmite.

Yeah, but I'm marmite. You won't say it,

-but people don't all love me.

-Who called you Marmite?

I do! People don't all like me.

If he screws your wedding up...

You don't have to worry about breaking anybody's legs

or anything cos you won't have to do that with Nathan.

You don't really believe that.

He'll have something in there, Jay, that I think, "really?"

You can't 100% confident in your husband-to-be.

-Awwww. Husband Bones.

-Yeah.

Nicola Bacon-Bones. Nicola?! Urgh.

Nikki Bacon-Bones. Better when you shorten it at the beginning.

Nikki Bacon-Bones.

It's the beginning of week two.

And, putting their differences aside, it's time for the brothers

to face the day they've been dreading - wedding dress shopping.

We don't really know what we're looking for. We're not really...

We can't really relate to women that well.

I don't want anything that looks cheap.

It's got to look classy.

She's a very, very attractive girl. Incredibly attractive.

New shirt! That's a girl's colour!

No. In all fairness, up until about the late 18th century,

up until the Victorian times, pink was a man's colour.

In fact, actually, until the early 20th century,

-pink was always the colour of a gentleman.

-Hmmmm.

As nerdy Nathan muses on the history of gentleman's attire,

his modern bride is more up-to-date

and she's brought her bridesmaid, Faye, mum and auntie along

to show them her dream wedding dress.

I actually wouldn't mind a slightly blush colour.

I've seen them in magazines and I don't know if they look a bit much,

but they look really subtle.

Really pretty.

And pink!

Awww!

That's amazing. That's actually amazing.

Looking pretty in pink,

Nikki has chosen the ultimate in girly dresses.

-So nice.

-Pink!

Pale pink meringue, with layered petals,

lashings of tulle and sequins.

If it was up to me and I was planning the whole wedding,

my dress would definitely be pink.

I definitely, definitely don't want white.

But because it's not a colour everybody else normally has,

I think that's mainly the reason why I probably want it.

It's so nice, Nik.

Ohhhhh! Nathan, please!

Come on, Nathan, think pink!

You're wearing pink. It can't be that hard.

-Have you got any idea of sort of style?

-No meringues.

No meringues, OK.

What about different colour, something like that?

-No.

-No?

-No, no, no.

-OK, definite no. That's good.

-No?

-No.

-No.

Absolutely not, no.

OK.

-Rejecting pink straight away.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Nathan's gone for a white, simple,

figure-hugging dress with a bosom full of bling.

I like the layering at the bottom. It looks light as well.

It looks wearable.

This is Nik. That's her.

That's her.

It's more wearable.

Yep, it's wearable -

just what every girl wants on her wedding day.

It's also unlikely to upstage Nathan's military outfit.

That is the one. That's the dress.

Dress fit for a princess.

Oh! (God.)

Could be.

It's not the pink meringue Nikki dreamt of, but as ever,

Nathan knows best, and at £995,

the very white dress is sold

to the man in a very pink shirt, in a very pink shop.

With a week to go,

our groom is cracking on with his wedding plans, Nathan-style.

First up, learning a 200-year-old waltz.

I think Nik will love this, I really do.

I can just imagine her in her dress and me in my finery.

I think it will be very romantic.

Next, it's the historic invitations.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Ohhhh, shit!

Oh, man, that is hot!

Fucking hot oil.

Oh, fuck! Jesus Christ!

And thanks to Nathan's unusual choice of bridesmaid outfits...

Pull it, pull it, pull it taut. That's it.

..the girls need a lesson in how to tie a cravat.

-Good.

-Jade's done this before.

-You're my top student.

We looks like little mini girly Nathans.

Seriously, he's actually done that.

-Ahh!

-Love the cravat.

With less than a week to the wedding,

Nathan has called an emergency budget meeting with Greg.

The registrar was £580.

-I'd have done it for that.

-I'm sure you would have done, Greg.

Right, we're on 12 grand.

Right, OK.

The evening buffet, we can scrap because it's a late wedding.

It's a five o'clock wedding. If you think that takes half an hour,

by the time people sit down to eat

it'll be six or after six.

-Cake.

-Right.

-Would that come with the catering?

-No.

Worrying times.

With the money running out,

Nathan is just about keeping the wedding afloat.

Meanwhile, Nikki is drifting along

in the most romantic city in the world, Venice.

Nikki's mum has treated them

to a three-day mini-break for her 60th birthday.

The closest you get to this in Essex is Southend.

It's not the same, is it? It's like a bit of culture, innit?

There's not many places you can just sit

and there's gondolas... up and down next to you.

MAN SINGS

Oh, look, they love it.

I'd love it if he was in my one as well.

And for once, Nikki is free

from Nathan pointing out the historical highlights.

Even so, she just can't keep her eyes off the local sights.

He's not bad. He's the best one I've seen.

In particular, the local floating eye candy.

NIKKI LAUGHS

He was good looking and all.

But in a city swimming in history,

Nikki's mind turns to Nathan... eventually.

I think that he would love this, wouldn't he?

He'd be going, "Look at that brickwork over there".

Nikki might have escaped to Italy for a few days,

but Englishman Nathan is keeping it British

with his favours for the wedding guests.

Currently, I am making my favours.

Loose leaf tea in chiffon pouches,

tied with a blue bow.

What a treat, tea in a sack.

I just think Nik'll probably think

"Oh, you," obviously with a little grin.

It stinks.

But it's clear to best man Greg

that this historical wedding is all very Nathan,

and not one bit Nikki.

I think Nathan's choices, a lot of it is...

his choices, where it kind of suits him.

Do you understand what I mean?

Yeah.

'You've got the venue in itself',

you've got the outfits.

You know, it's all very Nathan at the end of the day.

Even the favours - I mean, tea.

I don't think Nikki's going to be all about the tea.

She'll be like "What's this?"

I don't know.

Thinking about it, it's not girly at all, is it?

Looks like the only girly thing at this wedding will be the groom!

-Yeah, all right!

-Could you stop fingering the chiffon?

Oh...

Back in Italy,

Nathan's arranged a pre-wedding surprise for his bride-to-be...

Have a nice day.

..instructing her to go to the centre of Venice.

"Sweetheart, I've organised a private tour for you and your mum today.

"Think of me as you take in the sights, sounds and smells of Venice.

"I love you, your Nathan".

I was hoping for a rose

and a glass of Prosecco brought to me on a silver tray.

I'd have gone "Bloody hell, that is good. You've done well there".

Now I've got a guided tour.

It's just going to be boring.

How quickly the tears dried.

Oh. What?

Nathan has treated Nikki to a tour

of the historical delights of Venice.

So what do you know about Venice?

It's got Prosecco, it's got ice cream, and it's got...

lots of water and canals.

There is something more, a little history.

This was the richest and most powerful city

in the Mediterranean Sea before the discovery of America.

This section here was built in the early 15th century, 1430.

And then you have the full centre arch...

Well, I tell you, we can continue then.

The church in front dates back to the year 1063.

This might not impress you, but I mean, the oldest building...

-No, 1063 is definitely something.

-That is something.

949 years old.

-Yeah.

-Still standing.

Particularly because this was all built on a sandbank.

I hope you discovered more than shopping, shopping, shopping.

I definitely did.

I've learnt that I love history...

this much.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you. May I?

I've learnt that Nathan is very much into history.

And Nathan would like me to be very much into history,

and I cannot take it in. I've told him this before.

So thanks to her husband-to-be,

Nikki's holiday has ended on a history lesson.

Let's hope she doesn't mind one on her wedding day.

The big day is drawing close.

With the best man doubting the Nathan-themed wedding,

and most of the remaining budget spent on tea and historical tours,

a nervous Nathan is in need of some motherly advice.

So everything's OK, then, Nath?

Um...

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

One of my thoughts for potential pitfalls was...

alienating people,

whether people will enjoy it and get into it,

or whether they'll just be perplexed and puzzled, and think "What?"

At the end of the day, it's your wedding,

and she put her trust in you

to give her a wonderful day.

But what you've got to be prepared for is the downfall

that if someone does say something to you...

..that you just say "Well, this is what I wanted."

I'm just doing it for her, that's it.

Yeah, it'll be OK. It will.

With my flourishes, but it will be OK. It'll be fine.

But deep down, like Greg, Nathan's mum is worried.

'He's put her so high on this pedestal...

'..because he loves her so much,'

and that's why, if it really did go wrong...

Mm...

-Sorry.

-SHE SNIFFS

'..he will be so, so hurt.

'He will be devastated.'

He would never forgive himself, because he only ever did it for her.

He only ever did it for her.

Needing a good night out,

Nathan heads to London to "get on the stag".

Time for beers, strippers and some bad behaviour.

# Smack my bitch up. #

Ooh, and a cream tea.

I'm going to have some cake, big time.

Nathan has ignored everyone's advice and dragged his friends

and Nikki's older brother for a dainty afternoon tea.

It's not going to sit well for you in the family, this.

It's not the best start you've got off to.

He doesn't like having fun,

-that's his problem.

-That is not true.

My fun these days is with Nik.

Having a cup of tea and a bit of cake!

It does feel weird to think that I'm marrying your sister next...

like, soon.

That pales into insignificance.

You've brought me to a cream tea in the middle of London.

Everyone goes drinking and partying hard during a stag do.

To come to a nice hotel and have cream tea and scones,

and poncey cakes...

what a numbnut.

I'm going to have a scone.

Is it a "skone" or a "scon"?

I don't care, frankly. I'm losing the will to live here.

These lads were hoping for D-cups, but all they got was teacups!

I think you've won.

I know I've won, Nath. I ain't bloody stupid.

This was a bad choice, wasn't it?

With the boys desperate to get to the nearest bar,

Nathan knows he needs to eat humble pie.

The cream tea was an absolute disaster. I regret even saying it.

There's no pomp here, there's no pageantry.

It's something for a bunch of gentlemen,

it's just having a bit of fun,

which I think that I'm more than overdue for.

And I think that sometimes I avoid...

But I'm really looking forward to it. Should be good fun.

# Essex girl!... #

Essex girl Nikki, on the other hand, doesn't have a problem having fun.

# Essex, Essex

# The only way is Essex... #

Nathan has organised for Nikki

and her friends to visit a local nightclub for her hen do.

Suck hard, and swallow.

Don't be rude!

Fuelled by something stronger than just Earl Grey,

Nathan has finally started to loosen up.

I'm the stag. I'm, like, THE stag.

I'm, like, THE groom.

How about this?

And after a few drinks,

a new, relaxed, fun-loving Nathan emerges.

Oh! Woo!

Woo! Wow.

While Nathan's giving a proper Essex stag do a shot,

the cream tea is still stuck in the throat of Nikki's brother.

Where on earth did that come from, seriously, mate?

I think you know me well enough now.

Obviously I don't, because I never thought you'd do a cream tea.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I love her lots.

-Well done you.

I love your sister.

-I love her.

-Good.

Now, I admit, I admit you're all right.

-I love you.

-He loves me!

It's the next morning, and there's a storm sizzling at the Bacon house.

After the cream tea and historic tour,

Nikki's mum and brother are worried.

He might have got the bit between his teeth and be thinking

"Right, I'm in charge. This is what I would like.

"And this particular time, I can get away with it."

I think that if he's gone a bit "I might get away with that,

"it might be funny to do a cream tea or a guided tour"

of wherever he had a guided tour of,

then he can get away with that. If he mucks that wedding up,

there won't be any laughs down the pub

about the time we went for a cream tea.

-Oh, you'll be the least of his troubles.

-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

-He's not stupid.

-No.

He values life, I think, doesn't he?

I really don't think he'd do something he thinks she'd hate.

But he might do something that she thinks, "Really?"

He'd better not.

It's the day before the wedding, and a stressed Nikki

has come to try on her wedding dress with her mum and auntie.

She dreamt of a girlie pink meringue,

but she's about see the "wearable" white dress Nathan chose.

Hello, Nikki.

-I'm Michelle.

-Nice to meet you.

-Excited? Nervous?

-Very excited.

Yeah? I'll pop out and get it ready.

If you want to have a look around, feel free.

OK, thank you.

You all right?

My stomach hurts.

I just want to put my dress on.

OK, here it is,

if you'd like to follow me.

She's been really nervous, I think, about the dress.

It's a major part of the wedding, isn't it, really, for her.

She wants to look her best for him, I'm sure.

I'm sure all mums feel exactly the same.

A stressful time.

Yeah. Yeah, if she's happy, I'll be happy. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe he's done that. Oh, my God.

It's gorgeous, isn't it? It's lovely.

I absolutely love it.

Not pink?

It's completely amazing, even though it is different.

I just think it's fantastic. He's done a really, really good job.

It isn't pink but then love is blind

and somehow, with the help of some rose-tinted glasses,

Nathan has pulled it off.

He's just done amazing

so I think I will marry him now, definitely. Yep.

Nikki loves her modern wedding dress

but that's the last thing from this century she'll see at her wedding.

Fingers crossed her big day won't be a historical drama.

It's the morning of the wedding and a nervous Nikki

is unaware of just how historic her big day will be.

I can't keep still!

I can't wait to see him.

MUSIC: "The Blue Danube Waltz" by J Strauss II

Nathan is also pacing, but to a different tune.

# Bom bom

# Bom bom... #

And Greg has a little surprise from Nikki.

I've been passed something by the young lady herself, actually.

Oh, right?

Yeah.

Don't do that, mate. Don't start crying.

Oh, no, no...

It says, "I love you for ever, NB."

And on the back, "Our forever begins today."

Oh, God. That girl!

Regardless of all my quirks, foibles, eccentricities,

and all the rest, she sees through it.

She sees the person...which is more than I could ever ask for.

Aw.

Let's hope she also loves

his eccentric choice of bridesmaid outfits.

We look like little girly Nathans. Tiny girly Nathans.

Drum roll.

I don't want to look.

Don't be silly. It's gorgeous.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, you've got a cravat on!

You look lovely, all of you.

Oh, my God!

I think you should wear a cravat with your wedding dress.

I doubt it very much!

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-You can do it, girl.

Oh, my God.

Nik, you look amazing!

That's gorgeous.

That's absolutely stunning.

How did he do that?

I don't know. I feel like a bride.

Now it feels like you're getting married. It hasn't done until now.

The boys have arrived at the venue,

ready to do battle with their outfits.

I've put this on wrong.

Sorry.

That's there.

Yes.

I'm so shaky.

Nathan is stressed out to high heaven at the minute. He's a mess.

Hopefully, once the service is over, he'll be OK.

I think he's getting overly stressed at the minute.

It's going to be all right.

We're going to be on time and everything's going to be fine.

I need to go to the toilet before. Is there a toilet?

Nathan's not the only person feeling nervous.

With the wedding party en route to the venue,

a stressed Nikki awaits her ride.

I'm nervous, I feel sick, can't breathe.

I can feel my heart coming out of my chest.

With her dad in tow,

Nikki can only hope she's heading to a girly Essex venue.

But 15 minutes into the journey,

it soon becomes clear that's not going to be the case.

It's not going to be the hall then. He's going too fast for that.

Next turning is Ferry Lane.

I'm trying to think, if we go down Ferry Lane,

we'll be heading towards Rainham.

What if he picks London?

We could be going to London if he stays on this road.

Thanks to her dad,

the reality of a London wedding has finally dawned on Nikki.

Is it all right for Buckingham Palace?

Nikki's dreams of babbling brooks,

breezy gardens and iced Pimm's have gone up in smoke.

I really don't know what to think. No idea.

Nikki is completely thrown by Nathan's choice of London

but on the hottest day of the year,

in an ancient building with no air conditioning,

Nathan's only regret is his choice of fur jacket.

Sweaty.

I feel all right, though. Yeah, I'm ready to get married.

Come on, let's go.

Thank you.

Arriving at the venue,

a hot and flustered Nikki is eager to get to Nathan.

I'm so hot and I just want to go in.

APPLAUSE

First, can I ask Greg, our best man, to come forward with the rings?

I'll just get it out of my man bag.

I've got all the essentials in here, actually.

You don't know what you might need on your wedding day.

A couple of bits in here.

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I,

Nathan Ashley Peter Bones,

to take thee Nicola Moira Bacon to be my lawful wedded wife.

Do take thee, Nathan Ashley Peter Bones,

to be my lawful wedded husband.

And now it is my great pleasure

and privilege to pronounce that you are husband and wife.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know! Come on!

Nathan might have ruined Nikki's dreams of an Essex wedding

but how can anyone stay mad with Prince Charming?

I'll nibble your ears.

-You're making me hot. Do you not want to take that off now?

-I will.

-Nathan, it's so hot. It's different, isn't it?

-Different?

-Its pomp, pageantry. You know?

-What's the theme then?

-Pomp and pageantry.

-That was your theme, pump and pageantry?

-POMP and pageantry.

-I've never heard of it. I never heard of it before.

By the way, that history trip in Venice was really good as well.

-Was it?

-No, it was shit! Really boring, yeah.

And with Nikki still unhappy about the historic tour of Venice,

fingers crossed for Nathan's tour of her historic reception.

TRUMPETERS PLAY A FANFARE

Oh, my God!

-I love it.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-Do you?

-That is our coat of arms.

-What does that mean?

A coat of arms is basically like a family crest.

-So Bones and Bacon both have red and white.

-Red and white what?

-In their shield. Red and white colours.

-Right.

This might take quite a few weeks to explain.

It doesn't matter, whatever.

Oh, well! she might not understand Nathan, but Nikki does love him.

-So you like it?

-I do like it.

-Not what you'd pick, though.

-No. I picked you, though.

-Good.

That kind of makes sense, doesn't it?

Miles from Essex, and without a hint of pink anywhere,

Nathan has still managed to sweep Nikki off her feet.

And in true Nathan style, there has to be a grand entrance.

And he's practised his timing to perfection.

-You want to get to a specific bit?

-Yes.

MUSIC: "Zadok The Priest" by Handel

# Zadok the priest

# And Nathan the prophet... #

They can't even see us anyway. They can't see us.

TRUMPETERS PLAY A FANFARE

Somehow, history-hating Nikki has been won over.

Maybe Nathan really does know it all.

You have made history for our wedding day. It is fun.

-You've done very, very well.

-Thank you, darling.

That means so much, coming from you.

I love you.

Now onto Nathan.

We went for cream tea for his stag do that he personally suggested!

Enough of that, I'll stop ribbing you!

I'm just reminded of a quote from WB Yeats,

who said, "Think where man's glory most begins and ends

"and I would say my glory was I had such friends."

Thank you.

It's nice. It's very Nathan, very Nathan.

I want to know why he's wearing what he's wearing, though.

-He looks like a rabbit.

-Who looks like a rabbit?

-Nathan.

-Was it a rabbit?!

-Yeah, rabbit all over him.

-I thought he was vegetarian.

-He did a really good job.

What, being a rabbit?

THEY LAUGH

It was stylish, it was good, very grand.

I think me and Nathan have pulled it off. We've done a good job.

Come on, Nik.

I'm so proud of them. I really, really am, both of them.

You've got it.

'At the end of the day,

'they're absolutely ecstatic with each other,'

and that's what it's all about really.

So if they're happy... I'm happy.

-We learnt it, we can't remember it.

-We tried, we tried.

And with the waltz being a step too far,

he does get one thing absolutely right.

MUSIC: Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper

I knew you'd pick this song...

And a groom who's obsessed with the past can finally look to the future.

Oh, Nath!

I'm just looking forward to starting my new life

with, I guess, my new wife.

-Mr and Mrs Bones.

-That's right. That's hard to say.

-Let's go back to a flat together.

-To our home.

You've got to carry me across the threshold,

-which means you got to carry me up the stairs.

-I'm not doing...

-Of course you've got to carry me up the stairs.

-Yeah.

-We can go back to being...

-Us.

-..us. I love us.

-Mm, I do.

Next time: big spender, Adam...

Number one, done. That's important. Do you know that?

..wants the most bling wedding party of all time.

It's going to be flash, completely over the top, Jay-Z-like.

But can this wannabe Jay-Z...

This is what it's all about,

drinking cocktails and a big Cuban cigar.

..pull off his-red carpet wedding?

If Adam has gone tacky, I won't wear it.

-Or will it all get out of hand?

-We massively screwed up.

This is it? This is all I get?

-We've got no money left.

-It's a joke.

-I know.

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place

# We find love in a hopeless place

# We found love in a hopeless place. #