Mark and Jill Don't Tell the Bride

-Don't Tell The Bride celebrates weddings like no-one else.

-Congratulations on your big day.

-From New York...

-Oh!

-..to Glasgow.

-Oh, my God!

-Las Vegas...

-Why would the man I love do this?

-..to Ibiza.

-HE SOBS

-And one unforgettable rollercoaster ride.

-Why the hell are we at Thorpe Park on my wedding day?

-And now we're back,

-as 12 more unsuspecting brides prepare for the journey of a lifetime.

-What?!

-The grooms get three weeks and £12,000.

-Wedding!

And the brides get no say in how it's spent.

-I would never even imagine Ben could get it this wrong.

-So get ready to rock...

-I don't even want you in the wedding.

-..as the party reaches new heights

and sinks to new lows,

with more fairytale endings than ever before.

This is supposed to be the biggest day of my life and I'm not happy.

I'll switch it off.

Tonight, wedding obsessed Jill...

That's exactly something I would like.

-..leaves the biggest day of her life...

-It's all about me.

Well, it is all about me. When it comes to it, he's got to make the process nice for me.

-..in the hands of her laid-back groom, Mark.

-Let's get drunk.

While she dreams of a lavish 70 grand ceremony...

-Mark ain't going to care about couture.

-He'd bloody better.

..he's out to give her the most creative wedding of all time.

Who can say they got on the main stage in a major festival on their wedding day?

-Why are we at a festival?

-But will this bride refuse to walk down the muddy aisle...

I'm not going in there. I'm so insulted.

..leaving Mark's plans crashing down around him?

-What we're planning is to stick her on the bungee jump ride.

-Oh, my!

With his dream vision quickly becoming a nightmare...

I'm so disappointed. This is not what I wanted.

..can this groom coax his fussy bride to say I do?

-See the work I've put in over the last few weeks for this.

-I can.

Or will the wedding be over before it's even begun?

I just don't understand why anybody would put someone through this on their wedding day.

This programme contains strong language

Music lovers Mark and Jill met five years ago on the trendy club scene in Glasgow.

Working as a bar manager, Mark employed Jill as his VIP girl.

The first attraction to Jill was obviously her looks. She just struck me

as a fun outgoing blonde.

-Gorgeous.

-Gorgeous blonde as well, sorry, yes. She was, gorgeous blonde.

And it wasn't long before ambitious Jill bagged herself

another very important job, working for one of Scotland's premier wedding magazines.

-Don't forget we're doing the pre-wedding.

-Oh yeah, the pre-wedding shoot as well.

As an advertising executive,

Jill comes face-to-face with her dream wedding every day.

I see the nicest stuff, I see the best of the best.

You name it, we've got it all in our magazine and we work with the best.

Mark, you need to get up.

-Honestly, hurry up.

-Two minutes.

But this perfectionist bride doesn't just demand the best at work.

-Mark, get up.

-Right.

At home, things are also run her way.

I am without a doubt the boss in this relationship.

She likes to think she is.

-I will fight him to the death and he just does it anyway.

-To the death.

Can you turn that the other way? It goes the other way.

He knows that he wants an easy life so he just does as he is told.

-That goes at the back?

-Yeah.

But Mark has found a strategy for dealing with his bossy bride-to-be.

Do you think that goes with that?

Mark?

-Mark.

-Yeah.

I would describe Mark as being very laid-back, bit too laid-back sometimes.

-Do you like it?

-It's nice. Lovely.

-You could pay a bit more attention.

-It's nice.

A lot of things, I couldn't care less if it's done one way or the other.

You've been playing this now for nearly two hours. Can you hurry up and please get off it?

What?

Mark's always like, "Don't worry about it."

But that doesn't help me because it drives me bonkers.

He would sometimes settle for average, whereas I won't.

And everyone that knows me knows that I'm not a settler really

and if I want something, I'm going to get it.

This glamorous girl is totally used to getting what she wants.

-She's fairly high maintenance.

-Are you saying I'm hard work?

In terms of... Yeah, absolutely. You can be.

And if high maintenance Jill isn't indulged, there can be serious consequences.

I'm very fiery and I snap and I'm very shouty. I take that off my dad.

His bark is worse than his bite, but my bark is really bad!

Wedding expert Jill has extremely high standards for her big day.

-Good to see you.

-Nice to see you. How are you doing?

-I'm good, thank you.

Do you want to show me what you've got for the autumn issue?

Walking wedding encyclopaedia Jill knows exactly what she wants.

If I actually got my dream wedding, you're looking about probably £70,000.

Alone, my dress that I want is about £4,000.

Wow! That's exactly something I would like.

It would have to be very glamorous,

just something like a fairytale wedding, but with a little bit of sparkle, glamour.

-And it doesn't end there.

-I know the exact dress I would want.

The exact cake. I just want the works.

She always comes home with these ideas of grandeur.

She wants the best of everything. The pressure's on in that respect.

Without 70 grand in his wallet,

Mark knows he's got to think big and be creative.

In my head, it can't be a normal wedding.

It has to show what Jill and I are all about and where we came from as a couple.

We came through the clubbing scene.

I want everyone there to think they're on the best night out they've been on in their life.

Will Mark pull this wedding off?

If he doesn't, he'll never hear the end of it.

I'll chop him in two! Honest to God!

It's time for the couple to say goodbye.

I'm feeling a bit nervous now.

It's just beginning to feel a bit real.

Within the next 15 minutes, that will be us gone, and separated.

I just feel like a bit nervous. We'll see how it goes.

-You'll be fine.

-It's you I'm worried about!

You're folding that wrong.

Perfectionist Jill is handing over every detail of her big day to her laid-back groom.

The next time they see each other will be on their wedding day.

-Please don't mess it up.

-I won't mess it up. I promise you.

-OK.

-Have I ever let you down before?

-No.

-No, never.

-Just sometimes not got me what I wanted!

Jill's brother Jamie has been summoned to chauffeur her back to her mum's house,

where she'll be staying for the next three weeks.

Bye.

I feel a bit sick now. I hope he knows what he's doing and what he's let himself in for.

What a shot!

What he's let himself in for is three weeks of freedom,

-with best men Chris and Burnsy.

-I think he's doing a poo.

This brave pair have agreed to help Mark organise a wedding

for Scotland's most high maintenance bride.

-This for the win.

-I'm desperate for you to miss this.

-If this goes in,

it's going to be a successful marriage. Yes!

At her mother's house, Jill's mum Elaine is as nervous as the bride-to-be.

He's got quite quirky taste. The last time he was here,

he had like green shoes and blue socks.

I was like, "My God!" What is he going to pick?

If it is a meringue, I'll refuse point-blank to try it on.

-What are you going to wear?

-I'm not going to go.

-What do you mean?

-You've got to go.

-I don't have to go. If he's got me...

-You're not going to get married?

No, because if he can't even get the dress right,

that means he doesn't know anything about me or my personality. Can you imagine what else he's got wrong?

I think it's exciting because we just don't know anything.

I just know what you're like. You can throw a strop.

You might go mad. You might not like your dress, or where you're going.

Then you might just go off on one. It will be a nightmare.

At the golf club, the boys are talking weddings.

Shame they didn't bring any copies of Jill's magazine with them for help.

Can I make an observation? Why don't you try and see the whole thing through Jill's eyes?

-Jill wants something big.

-Let's have something big.

I know that, but she wants something big and expensive.

She's got an awful lot of preconceived ideas

of what the perfect wedding is,

most of which would terrify the Bank of England.

For Mark to take that all on with a limited budget

and trying to get her dream wedding is a job. It's a real task.

You've mentioned she wants an expensive wedding.

We don't have a big bag of money.

We've got £12,000 and we need to spend it properly. Six grand of that's going on the stag do.

Where are we going on the stag do? Goa?!

If Mark gets it wrong, I think Jill will go off like a rocket.

It'll be good to watch, but from behind something.

Let's not get too deep tonight. Let's go and have a few more pints.

-Decision's made.

-Let's just drink tonight then, guys. Fancy it?

So planning the wedding for his bossy bride goes on hold.

Let's get drunk.

All Mark knows is that he's got to think big.

The following day and Jill is back at work.

Having spent years looking at other people's weddings, she is finally going to be the bride herself.

But with her thoughts stuck on her own wedding,

it's a bit hard to concentrate.

The theme we're going for this issue is all exclusive.

Is that a pink castle?

You hire out the venue to make it entirely yours. A big house party.

-That would be up your street?

-Absolutely.

If it was outside, I would be absolutely devastated.

Everyone thinks that's funny, why would you want to put wellies on your wedding day?

-You've just have a spray tan done.

-You're walking across a field to get to the venue.

No, he'd be walking across the venue to let everybody know that I'm not walking across to get married.

I'm off, no way! I'd hate to be outside.

But that's exactly where Mark is, two hours from Glasgow city centre,

in the rolling hills of the southern Scottish Borders.

He is on the hunt for a wedding fit for his fusspot bride.

And he's thinking big, he's thinking bold.. Unbelievably, he's thinking music festival.

The Wicker Man is one of Scotland's biggest festivals,

where each year 20,000 revellers descend upon the countryside for big-name acts and a funfair.

And Mark's falling over himself with excitement.

Whoa!

I'm Mark.

They've come to the site to meet the festival's organiser, Helen,

to see if they can have the wedding right by all the action.

What is it you're hoping for?

I want something that's got a whole festival feel to it.

I was thinking of having a kind of small stage, getting a band

and a couple of DJs and that sort of thing.

-Let's go and have a look around the site.

-Excellent.

They are only 100 miles away from Glasgow,

but they are a million miles away from Jill's dream venue.

Glenskirlie is a high-end one-stop shop for the wedding needs of Glasgow's classiest brides.

Isn't it nice?

It's one of Scotland's most expensive venues.

Having seen regularly in her magazine, wedding expert Jill is certain it's the place for her.

-It's fabulous.

-Isn't it? It's so nice.

She's brought bridesmaids Bobbi and Laura to have a look.

It's nice, isn't it? It's classy, it's elegant. It's not too much, it's exactly what I would want.

So Jill is desperate for a stylish, but understated day.

-Surely he'll see this is what everybody would want.

-He'll go for something like this.

He's got to. He knows you. If he picks something else,

-he doesn't know you at all.

-If he knows what's good for him!

-Whoa!

-Are you wearing ice skates?

But Mark's not going for stylish or understated.

He's right in the middle of the festival site,

two minutes from the main stage area,

trying to fathom out which part of this muddy field screams wedding.

To get married in front of that thing would be magnificent.

-Yeah, it would be.

-Jill's going to love this.

Aye, confident.

-How's he going to top this?

-I don't think he can, Jill.

-Don't say that!

I'll probably get a rented caravan in a field

to go along with the tent.

-Surely, he will.

-Fingers crossed.

-You'll be glamping for your wedding.

-Glamping.

-A teepee thing.

Back at the festival site,

the boys are keen to seal the deal on their brave outdoor wedding.

-Jill is expecting something spectacular.

-I'm sure she is.

-So I'd love to have it here.

-OK.

-Excellent. Thanks for your time.

Mark's spent his first grand on a muddy field

that in two weeks' time will be bang in the middle of a very loud festival.

-I've a good buzz about it.

-I've got tingling testicles over it.

It's the end of week one and groom Mark knows he needs to pull out

all the stops if he's going to please his fussy bride.

He's meeting Chris to discuss how to give Jill the most dramatic entrance ever.

How cool would it be if Helen could sort out that she gets on the main stage with her bridesmaids,

straight from getting dropped off?

I think that's a great idea, if we could make that work. It's huge.

It'd be fun if we put her on the rides. The thing you sit in that shoots up in the air,

-the catapult thing.

-And she's in her frock.

-In her frock.

-Yes, I think you have to do.

-These wee touches are going to set it aside from anything else.

-I know, mate.

So, to please his bolshie bride,

he's going to fling her 50 metres into the air on a fairground ride.

That should make her happy(!)

But Mark's not lacking sensitivity.

He's hitting the shops for a very important item to cover Jill's modesty. Knickers.

We need pants because we're sending her up in a bungee ball before the wedding.

-I don't want her flashing to the world.

-All right, OK. Big pants.

No, I don't think we should get big pants. She wears small pants.

You've never seen my bird's pants. She wears small pants.

-Yeah.

-But you need... That's a Pete Tong.

-Surely you need one more comfortable than that.

-That's what she wears.

-She doesn't go on bungees much.

-I know, but she wears thongs.

I don't think your underwear is going to make a big difference.

-It's for anti-flash factor, if she flashes...that's useless.

-I'm going with that.

All right. OK.

Perhaps Jill's bridesmaids will be able to give her more support.

See? Because I can't speak to him, I can't talk to him or anything, it's just odd.

-Mark will be fine.

-Yeah, he'll be fine.

-He'll pull a few stunts just for a laugh.

-But I don't take...

-That's not funny.

-I think it is quite funny!

-It's my wedding day.

-It's all about me!

-No, but it is all about me.

When it comes to me, he's got to make the process nice for me.

Mark is a brave man. Did you ever see The Exorcist?

That's based on you, that film! Jill on the wine.

I don't want to be there. Seriously. If Mark gets it wrong.

-Do you think I'll be that bad?

-Yes, definitely. You will be terrible.

It's cool, we've got the straitjacket ready, we've got the psychiatrist on speed dial, so...

-Tranquilliser gun.

-Shoot me down like a wild beast.

Get her in the cage!

It's the beginning of week two and Mark and Burnsy are facing

the impossible task of choosing a wedding dress

for the girl who's seen every designer gown in Scotland.

And Mark's problem is now also shop-owner Victoria's problem.

Am I allowed to know what she's like?

-She works for The Best Scottish Weddings magazine.

-OK, no pressure.

-So she knows exactly what she wants.

-Right. My neck on the line here.

I think I know what she likes. I'm pretty certain.

How different can a wedding dress be to clothes I've bought in the past?

-Not that different if you stick to the dress in the window technique.

-It's an absolute belter.

We're thinking about just picking the first one.

Stick the tail on the donkey.

It's not a technique recommended in Jill's wedding magazine,

but it is one way of choosing a dress for Glasgow's pickiest bride.

-That's the one.

-Think so.

-That's definitely it.

What do you think?

-Is it too plain?

-Too plain? You can't get too plain.

-Course you can.

-There's nothing plain about this.

-Jill will love that, Mark.

-Think so?

-Aye. Definitely.

-Do you think we've got a winner?

-I think we've got a winner.

-They make it look so easy.

Across town, Jill's brought her friends

to her favourite designer boutique, dripping in expensive couture gowns.

And Jill knows exactly what she wants.

-That's so nice.

-So nice.

I'm a bit nervous about trying my favourite dress on because

I've seen it so many times in pictures but I've never actually tried it on.

And because it is so unique and different,

I just don't know how he's going to actually manage to top it.

Jill has been going on and on about this dress for years.

And having a job like this as well with the wedding magazine, that's not helped matters

because it's made her adamant this is the dress and that is it.

-Wow!

-My God! You look amazing.

-You actually look like an angel.

I feel like phoning Mark and going, "No. Stop. She needs that dress."

You actually do. So how much is the dress, the veil, the shoes and everything?

£3,815.

For a full couture garment. But it's couture.

-But Mark won't care about couture.

-He'd better! He'd bloody better!

Honestly, if he couldn't get the dress right and that's the first thing I'm good to see on the day,

-what else has he not got right?

-Yeah.

Well, he's booked you a festival wedding for starters.

Even now, he's just thinking practicality over style.

When we get to the Wicker Man,

we've come up with a plan to stick her on the bungee jump ride.

-Oh my! Right, OK.

-The dress will need to tuck up.

We could manage that, no problem.

For any walking, absolutely, tie the back up, very easy to manoeuvre.

-Yeah?

-So it's your call.

-Time to talk numbers, I think.

-Yes.

-What is the price of the dress, Victoria?

-It's £1,769.

-Right.

I think we're looking at £1,000 for a dress.

If you could do it at £1,000, we'd buy it just now.

I think your wife to be will look absolutely stunning in the dress.

So... £1,000, deal.

So on the big day, the girl who dreams of feathery couture

will be saying I do in a plain, off-the-peg number

they've bartered down to the same price as a muddy field.

-I think it's absolutely stunning. We've done a good job, big man.

-So do I, so do I.

She'll definitely like that dress. You could not like it.

To that end, we've done our job well, I think.

With the venue and dress sorted, Mark's brought usher Ryan to help

sort out the next most important part of any festival wedding. The loos.

-Hi, Mickey. How you doing.

-Good, thanks.

If it was just a bunch of guys, then you could pee against the wall, crouch in a corner.

But you've got a lot of girls who like to do their make-up, so there has to be nice toilets.

These aren't too bad.

Fine for the likes of us, I'm just thinking of Jill.

-She might have to take her dress off to get in.

-I know, yeah. It's fine.

Bogs booked, it's time to purchase another festival essential

for Jill and her bridesmaids.

-Absolutely disgusting.

-It's fine.

Absolutely disgusting, but to be frank, they all are.

I think we need to think about what colour their dresses are first.

-We don't know the colour of the dresses.

-We're picking the wellies before the dresses?

-Yes.

-Size five, sir?

-Excellent.

It's going to be ridiculous enough

they're wearing plastic shoes to a wedding.

It's not that ridiculous.

This cobalt blue Wellington boot should not take part

in your wedding in any way, shape or form, I promise you.

-Well, I would like pink.

-Well, good.

They leave £100 lighter with six pairs of wellies.

With his outdoor wedding taking place in the middle

of Britain's wettest summer, Mark thinks it's money well spent.

So by the end of week two, the bulk of the 12 grand's been spent.

-We need to cut some corners.

-Absolutely, for sure.

But will Jill be happy with the result?

It could go either way.

# It's ladies night. #

It's Saturday night and time for Jill's hen do.

And it's not just her wedding day she's got big ideas for.

-I wonder where you're going.

-Even if it's rubbish, what he's picked, I'll be really angry,

but I would be angry because I'll be in good company, so I don't mind.

But that doesn't give him the excuse.

I hope he has made an effort to send us to something half decent.

If something rubbish comes to pick us up, I'll be even more angry.

-What if it's like an ordinary car?

-A taxi?!

-Surely he wouldn't just send a taxi.

-No, of course he wouldn't.

It's a taxi.

An actually crap taxi.

-Jill, have a great time.

-No, I'm not actually having a laugh. That is it.

-I bet you're going to the pictures.

-No, I'm not getting in that taxi.

I'm going to stay here and have a couple of drinks.

I can phone my own fucking taxi. Honestly.

-Jill, move it.

-We can actually phone our own taxi.

It's booked. Don't leave the guy waiting.

Come on, stop being an idiot.

It'll be fine. It's just to get you there.

Nobody's going to see it, come on.

I'm not getting in that.

I'm not. I'm not.

-Jill, it's the beginning of the night.

-It's a taxi.

-It doesn't matter.

-Listen to your gran.

-It's for going A to B, A to B.

We get a taxi into town every Saturday.

This is not every Saturday!

Not that I don't like you,

I don't even know you, but I wish you weren't here.

It has taken seven women to persuade this princess

to get into her carriage...taxi.

It's my hen do, so I just expected something a bit different.

Tomorrow you won't even remember being in a taxi.

Not a great start to the night, though.

At the end of the day,

I can get a taxi into town Friday, Saturday night.

And this is what he sends. Cos I bet you any money,

he's spent more on the stag than he has on the hen.

Any money.

Wrong.

In fact, he's celebrating with the boys, just down the road.

'Absolutely zero planning going on just now.

'Tonight we are going to party, get drunk

'and fall about and act like dicks.

'I did do quite a lot for her, for her hen do.'

I pulled a few strings for her, so hopefully, she's having a good time,

she's getting drunk and abusing a few folk.

-Waaah!

-Go on, you.

The bridesmaids have done their usual job of placating Jill

and she's agreed to carry on with her hen.

'Jill can kick off a bit

'if she doesn't like the way things are going.

'The thing about her is, though,'

she'll go way up there and come back down just as quick

and she'll be fine cos you can talk sense into her.

The single life, I loved you, I will miss you.

CHEERING

Goodbye!

'I'm really worried, now, about

'how she's going to take to trying on a dress'

that he's picked for her and what the venue, where the venue is.

If she doesn't like that.

She was refusing to get in a taxi tonight, so, I don't know,

we'll just need to wait and see and hopefully I can calm her down.

It's time for Mark's next surprise.

Luckily for him, Jill's finally in good spirits.

Yeah! The boogie bus!

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

First I was disappointed. I'm actually really happy now.

'I've got all my girls.'

# We are going to the bowling

# We are going bowling

# Na-na-na-na, hey! #

No, you're not. You're driving an hour away

just to go to another bar in Edinburgh...

..the last place you wanted to spend your hen.

Hey. Where are we going?

Is this it? Is this it?

This is it.

'I don't want to be in Edinburgh.'

I want to be in Glasgow with all my friends, but instead I've dragged them

all the way out here, when I don't want to be here, I want to, like...

I know what he's tried to do but I don't want to be here

so I hope we can go back cos I'm not happy at all.

As usual, the girls try to pander to Jill's mood

but tonight there's no satisfying this demanding diva.

'I would think, personally, being her best friend,'

that this would all please her.

But, if this doesn't please her, I don't know what will

because it's lovely, it's amazing, it's really good.

'Seeing her reaction tonight, I think it's going to be'

very, very hard if she doesn't like the dress,

she doesn't like the venue...

I'm really, really concerned that she's not going to go ahead with it.

I don't think she will.

It's the morning after the night before.

Having found out Jill's hen was a disaster,

Mark's worried how his bride's coping with no control.

It's worrying me, worrying about Jill.

Worrying if she's stressed

because the fear of the unknown is a horrible thing, you know,

so, I, kind of, pray she just... she has a great day.

You know, I know I'll have a great day, you know.

I'm marrying the girl I love so I'm going to have

a tremendous day, but I just hope she gets by the stress

cos it can warp your head a little bit when you're stressed.

You don't think straight.

If she can see the funny side of it,

she'll see the glamorous side of it and the spectacular side of it.

It's the day before the wedding

and picky bride Jill is about to see the dress Mark's chosen for her.

She is expecting couture.

So, what will she make of the dress Mark picked out of the window?

-You look petrified, honestly, you do.

-She is a bag of nerves.

You look scared to death. It'll be fine. The boy's done good.

We'll see about that.

'Jill wasn't too keen on the hen party'

so I'm a bit worried about the dress because that's obviously

'a really major thing, so fingers crossed.'

Girls, are you all right?

I'm going to check next door and I'll be back in two wee seconds, OK?

-Excited?

-Nervous.

-Nervous.

-You can do this.

-I know.

'It's only a dress.'

See at the end of the day, there's people dying in the world

so, this is a dress, it's a wedding, it happens every day.

-OK, Jill, do you want to come in? Are you ready?

-Yes.

'If it's not to plan, it's not the end of the world.'

There's people dying and can't feed themselves so it is what it is.

With a new-found sense of perspective,

has this bride turned a corner?

I don't like it.

No.

What don't you like about it?

Everything.

I don't like the colour, I don't like the style.

Oh, God. I hate it.

I hate it.

It's everything that I didn't want.

Everything I didn't want.

In terms of...?

I hate the colour, I hate the material.

No, I don't like it at all.

I don't like it.

I think what we'll do, if you can try it on, we can see

if there's anything we can do to tweak it.

All right, we'll try it on.

OK.

What do you think?

-I hate it.

-You hate it?

-I'm not wearing it.

-Come on, be honest.

-Take your arms away.

You can even tell by Bobbi's face.

If you're not happy, I'm not happy for you.

I don't think you look horrible.

-This skirt of it is beautiful.

-I hate it.

It's the neck, it's the line, it's the material,

it's the diamante buttons down the back.

I just hate it. It's not me, I don't like it.

I just want to get it off. Let me get out of this dress, OK?

Please, please, please get me out of this dress.

You are pulling the buttons off the back of the dress.

Try and calm down a wee second.

No, I really, honestly, please, Victoria, I'm begging you,

please, just take it off. Please, please.

Please take it off.

Listen, he's a wonderful guy. >

-He's a wonderful guy and he's done this for you.

-Not very well.

-I know.

But think how difficult it is for a guy to do this.

I thought you looked beautiful in it and if there's anything we can do

to try to tweak it for you. Because it's tomorrow, Jill.

True to form, Jill snaps.

And she's straight on the phone to her mum.

'It's just so disappointing that she doesn't like it.

'It's the most important dress ever.'

I feel bad for Mark, as well,

because he's obviously done his best

and thought he's picked something she would like, but she hates it.

Why would he pick that? It's so hideous.

-He's got it wrong.

-He didn't know, Jill.

He's a guy, guys just don't have a clue.

She might be back in the shop, but there's no way she's getting back in that dress.

If he got that wrong then he probably got everything else wrong.

I've got no hope in him now.

I knew, I could tell by your faces. You looked so disappointed.

I'm not going to put you in a dress you're not comfortable in,

I would never ask you to do that.

I will phone Mark, we'll get a solution to this, we will fix this.

-We won't fix it.

-We will.

-We won't. It's the day before.

Have faith in me. Have faith in me. I promise you, we will fix this.

Desperate to pacify Jill, Laura calls Mark.

Hello, right, she doesn't like the dress.

Are you kidding on? Honestly?

She doesn't like it, we need to change it. She can't get married in it. It has to be something else.

Fucking hell. It looked great as well.

If we speak to Victoria, can we try and change it for a dress of the same value or something?

Yeah, that's fine. That's fine, Victoria is very helpful.

-'Right, OK.'

-She'll sort it.

I'll speak to her and see if we can change it for something similar, OK?

OK, bye.

They're going to speak to Victoria and see if she'll sort it.

See if she'll swap it for something else.

If not, we're fucked.

If it's OK with Victoria, we can change the dress

-for something in here you like, and you'll be fine.

-Is that OK with you?

-VICTORIA:

-Let's have a look.

Jill may be back in charge, but will she be able to find a dress that meets her exacting standards?

Let's have a look and see if there's something else that jumps out

and see what we can do to fix this, all right?

With his poor choice of hen do and wedding dress,

Mark is hoping for more success in the cake department.

I'm just going to pick the cake up.

I've not seen it yet, so I'm quite excited to see what this is like.

I'm sure it will be amazing. Hiya.

Thank you.

Wow.

There we go.

-What do you think?

-Fantastic.

-Good.

-Amazing.

-Good.

This cake cannot budge because it's four tiers.

It needs to fit flat on your knee.

Don't squeeze it at the bottom or anything like that.

At least one thing's going right

and, with Ryan protecting the perfect cake,

they head two hours south to the festival site.

I just can't believe she didn't like the dress

but it's personal taste, isn't it?

How are you feeling about the rest of it then?

I've got doubts now, if she's going to like the venue now. Obviously.

Because, anything we've done, previous to this,

it's not been received greatly, but it's done now.

Chin up. It'll come together for you.

We'll see what happens.

After a few bumps in the road,

it's not just Mark's wedding plans that are starting to crack.

-Is it collapsing?

-It's starting to lean to the one side.

Tip it the other way.

I'd rather not in case it just topples over.

I'd rather we just wait until we pull over.

I'll get out.

Whoa.

-Fuck! Ryan.

-Mark, this was not my fault.

How is it not your fault? I asked you to hold it straight.

-Look at that, it's cracked.

-That's not my fault.

-It's not your fault?

It's not my fault.

Honestly, mate. You can't fucking hold a cake straight. Look at it.

It's collapsed, man.

It's not my fault. How is it my fault?

I don't know how to fix this.

In Glasgow, the girl who spent years obsessing over wedding dresses

is under pressure to pick a gown for her big day tomorrow.

I quite like that.

-I actually really like that.

-Right.

-I actually love it.

But, Jill's back in the driver's seat.

Well, I had picked this one out.

-I'll try that one.

-Right, OK.

-And that one.

-Right.

We're high-fiving here because we are on a roll.

-Go Victoria.

-Let's do this. Right, OK.

Taking charge, it only takes this controlling bride

a few minutes to find a dress she loves.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

You can't get that, I want that for my wedding.

And, with Jill back in charge, everyone's happy.

Jill, that is absolutely fantastic, classic Audrey Hepburn, amazing.

-I love it.

-Look at the back.

-Honestly, I do. 100%.

-VICTORIA:

-I'm in on this. I'm in on a shot of this.

I think we should all do a team.

Oh yes.

See, it's so much better when the girls pick it.

Why would you ever let a boy pick your dress?

She may be pleased with the dress

but now Jill's having doubts about the marriage.

I wish I'd got this dress under better circumstances because,

honestly, I feel so deflated. I'm meant to be getting married tomorrow

and I just don't even feel like I want to, to be honest.

He's just got everything wrong so far.

It's the morning of the wedding

and the Wickerman Festival is in full swing.

The groom and his best man Chris are laying out bales of hay

for the guests to sit on.

But they're worried it's all going to look a bit

poo.

-Mark.

-Yes, mate.

-What I've been trying to do, bales-wise...

-Is cover cow shit?

-..is cover shit so the guests aren't standing in it.

Yeah, me too.

We could maybe use the excess straw to cover the excess shite.

We just need a shovel.

I didn't see much on the runway

-but there could be a couple of wee bits.

-There's one there.

I never thought I'd be shovelling shit on my wedding day.

I thought, at this point, I might be getting pampered

and looked after and stuff,

not scooping up cow shit.

Needs must, eh?

At her mum's house, the bride is feeling a bit down in the dumps.

-Are you looking forward to it, missus?

-Yeah, I suppose.

-I can't wait.

-I know.

-I've got a new dress.

I'm glad somebody is excited.

I think she's a bit better this morning. She's not 100%.

I just hope she pulls it round

in time for the venue

and getting married.

-But we'll just need to wait and see.

-Are you worried?

Yes, I'm very worried.

This is, obviously, the biggest day of my life

and it's not went to plan yet.

So, I'll be honest, I'm not getting my hopes up today

'cos I actually don't know what I'm walking into, to be honest,'

so I'm just going to go with the flow and try and enjoy myself.

-Things can only get better.

-They can.

That's the way I'm... What do you think, Ash?

Let's be optimistic.

-Something has to go right.

-Something has to.

'Anything else that she doesn't like,'

I'm a bit fearful, to be perfectly honest.

I'm fearful of that.

Cos she's got such a temper, Jill. She just might go off on one again.

And, as if on cue...

Aargh!

-Pull, pull, pull.

-No, don't rip it.

The emergency alterations on Jill's dress have made it too tight.

and without the usual luxury of a second fitting, Jill's not happy.

I can't actually move because they've altered it too tight.

I'm in agony.

-What if you...?

-No, we've tried everything and it won't go down.

Forced to wear a dress that doesn't fit her, a grumpy Jill

and her dad Jim are being picked up by best man Burnsy,

the man partly responsible for the first dress disaster.

This is the big day now. Jill, it'll be brilliant.

-Relax. You'll love it.

-It's not been so far.

Try and think positive.

I've been trying to think positive

for the last two weeks and every time I've thought positive,

-I've been let down, so...

-People are trying their best.

I know but it's not my fault I've been let down.

You've got to think that we've got two options.

We can either look positive and have the best day of your life

or we can go down and feel unhappy and before you even get there,

you've made your mind up you're not going to have a good time.

To be honest, this whole experience has just taken the life out of me

so I'm pretty drained, to be honest.

It's just not went the way I would have done it.

This is the way you've done it. This was your choice.

Let's just not talk about it any more. Let's just...

..just do what we need to do.

At the festival, Mark has organised for Jill

to be whisked onto the main stage as soon as she arrives.

The plan is for the 20,000 festival-goers to urge her

to do the bungee jump before the ceremony.

But, with guests already arriving, Mark is running late.

-Do you know when more ice is coming up?

-He's just on the radio now.

'Mark is freaking his beans.

'It's obviously behind schedule so, basically,'

he's in there, trying to get his kilt on.

Sling it on, last minute. There's guests here already

and it's all a bit backwards just now, but hopefully

he'll be ready, looking sharp for Jill to arrive.

Breathe your head in.

Jill is just minutes away from the festival.

Right. It's going to ruin my eye make-up though.

Mark's asked best man Burnsy

to blindfold his bride to maximise her surprise.

I don't really see the need for the mask.

-Don't...

-I'm not. I'm adjusting it.

Oh, God.

Stop peeking, Jill.

Stop peeking.

It's too hot under this mask.

Jill, it is now imperative that you put the mask on.

Jill wanted a high-class, traditional wedding,

just like the ones in her magazine,

but instead she is about to arrive to this...

-Don't look. No, don't look.

-Get your hand off my face.

Why are we at a festival?

Why are we at a festival? Why are we at a festival?

We've got a wedding booked at the other side of this.

-We're just passing the place.

-No, no, no, no.

Gonnae put that back on, please?

I'm not going in there.

I'm not going in there. I am so insulted.

I am so insulted. I am so insulted. I am not going in there.

I am not going in there.

I'm not going in there.

Fuck yous! I can't believe you did this to me.

Having ripped off her blindfold, Jill's not having any of it

and all Mark's plans to get her to the main stage have to be abandoned.

Why don't we go see what the script is?

I'm told it's away from here.

Ashley, we're at a music festival.

So, what do you want to do then? Do you want to just go home?

Do you want to just throw in the towel?

Look at the state of this. My dress is in the middle of mud.

I know, I understand that. I really do.

And you've got your wellies on. Seriously.

-This is ridiculous.

-That guy's got wellies for you.

Do you think I'll put them on? You must be joking.

I can't believe they brought me here.

You need to speak to Mark about it. I don't know anything about it.

Why would they do this to me?

We don't know anything about it.

-But why would they do this?

-I don't know.

I'm humiliated.

Would you bring Becky? Oh no, you fucking wouldn't.

Don't fall out with me, Dad.

-Jill...

-What, Ashley? This is embarrassing.

It's not embarrassing. You're embarrassing me.

It's my fault I've been brought to a music festival?

-It's not...

-We'll go to the farm, where everybody is...

Oh, right, OK. Thank you very much.

Right, go straight forward, up this alley.

Straight on down to the main road and turn right.

Festival organiser Jamie has come to the rescue.

He's taking them to his farmhouse to help calm Jill down.

You'd better be quiet, Jim, I swear to God.

-I'll tell you something, honestly.

-Yous two, enough.

-JAMIE: Go to the right there.

-(Look at the state of this.)

We'll go and have a cup of tea.

-Sounds good.

-Keep going, straight on.

-Just here?

-Perfect.

What's that?

This is a...joke.

Is this some sort of... Is this some sort of joke?

-Thank you.

-Your potential husband has gone to an awful lot of trouble

-to get a lovely tent up there...

-Why? He could have easily planned a normal wedding.

Well, it's just bloody men - they get things wrong.

But if you want to stick your heels in and say, "Bugger off, I don't want anything to do with it,"

then now is the time to think about doing it.

I just don't understand why anybody would put someone through this

on their wedding day.

He thought it was going to be a very special day.

Do you want me to explain the ethos behind it, Jill?

-You're not IN the festival.

-Jill, can we take you over...

You're not...

-Listen to me.

-Why are you wearing wellies? Where are your shoes?

-I left them...

-I don't want to put wellies on, do you know what I mean?

They were just in case. They're a contingency. In case it rains. It's nice outside.

I'm so disappointed, this is not what I wanted.

I don't mind, like, the whole thing being different...

But not THIS, I didn't want this.

The only reason you've seen what you've seen is because you decided not to wear your mask.

-Everybody got everything wrong!

-One person got everything wrong.

Not everybody else.

Jill, can we go to the tent, please?

Then you can make an informed decision on whether you want to do this or not.

Because if you don't, then don't. But if you do, then...

You should at least know what you're getting into.

My granny, who's 85, wanted me to get married in our church.

And this is so not even like that.

I just wanted a traditional wedding.

-We're at a festival, not IN it.

-Come and look at what we've set up.

There is some traditional stuff there.

But this is supposed to be the biggest day of my life

and I'm not happy.

Totally unaware of Jill's meltdown, the guests are arriving by tractor.

And none of them were expecting a wedding quite like this.

This is amazing, I think it's so good.

Oh, wow - is this the Wickerman Festival or something?

-It's so funny!

-You pulled a blinder on this one.

-A blinder!

I think it's absolutely bonkers.

I think it's fantastic, but I don't even know what's going on.

I just think it's crazy! I just never... I don't know!

But it's great, and I'm loving it. The sun is out and... Cheers!

Everyone's embracing the festival fun. Everyone except the bride.

-Smells of shit.

-It does, too, here.

It does, it's fucking rank.

This is the worst idea...ever.

This is the last thing that I would have ever wanted...

I think you should put on a brave face and see the fun in it.

That's my advice to you.

Mark's heard from Burnsy, and desperately concerned

Jill will pull out on him, he's abandoned all plans

and made the unconventional move of coming to speak to his bride.

-This is not what I wanted.

-Jill...

-No, it's not.

This is really not what I wanted.

You're not getting married at a festival.

You're getting married BESIDE a festival in a fucking big marquee.

-We're at a festival.

-You're not at a festival.

-You ruined my hen do, you ruined my dress...

-How did I ruin your hen do?

-My hen do was shit.

-How was your hen do shit?

-It was shit!

It was bog-standard average crap. Like, honest to God...

-Jill!

-What?!

-This is...

-This has been the worst experience of my life.

Look up here, it's absolutely stunning. Everyone's come up here

-for you, we're having a party up here...

-Fine, Mark.

Do you know something?

Mark, you should know me by now, this is not what I wanted.

Jill, come on - you love going out, having these sorts of things happening...

When I go out! I like doing it at the weekend,

with my friends, with you, twice a year,

-I do not want it for my wedding day.

-You're not getting married in a festival!

-That's the way I feel!

But you've not given it a chance yet.

The ONE thing you had to do, and you've ruined it.

I did NOT want this. I wanted a traditional wedding.

I don't want THIS!

Guys, while you're deciding things, could I walk across and have a glass of champagne?

-Course you can, yes.

-Shall I bring one for you?

-Yes.

-I'll get two.

You're looking absolutely stunning.

In the dress that YOU didn't pick.

The one they altered too tight,

because you picked some fucking dress that was hideous, that we had

to alter last night - this one - which doesn't fit me.

You brought me to a field with no welly boots and I'm in high heels that are killing my feet...

You've got welly boots.

-I left them up at Peter's house, or whoever's house that is.

-Whose house?

-Did you like them?

-No. Why the fuck would I put welly boots on...?

Fuck this, Jill. Honestly.

-The amount of work I've put in over the last few weeks for this.

-I could've done better.

No you couldn't.

I'm in a far nicer dress... I'm in a far nicer dress than you would have ever picked.

This is the first dress I picked up in the shop, I went, "That'll do."

Amazing.

-Just leave, Mark.

-What're you doing?

-"What am I doing?"

I'm going to have to marry you, but I'm right fucked off.

-You don't HAVE to marry me.

-Of course I want to marry you.

-Yeah?

-Get out the car, you piss me off. Get out of the car.

-Give me a kiss.

-No.

-Get out the car.

-Give me a kiss.

-I'm not giving you a kiss.

-Give me a kiss.

-No.

-Give me a kiss.

-No.

-Give me a kiss.

I hate you so much, I've been through so much...

Only Mark could manage to tame the wild beast,

and, tantrum over,

it looks like the wedding is back on.

You knew you weren't going to get a normal, traditional wedding.

-Look at my fucking guests!

-I know, how funny is that?!

-How good's that? How good's that?

-What?!

How good's that? How good is that?

THEY WHOOP AND CHEER

We're at a fucking music festival!

HONKS HORN

-There she is!

-WILD CHEERING

Why are we at a music festival?!

-Are we ready to get married?!

-ALL: Yes!

-We're going to have a wedding.

-Looks like it.

-That's the most important thing.

So after three weeks of high drama,

Jill is finally walking up the aisle.

And she looks quite happy.

I, Mark, promise you, Jill, to be your best friend,

I promise to love and cherish you always. Will you take me as your husband,

and spend your life with me?

Today I vow to be your wife, look after you,

love and cherish you and be the mother of your children.

I'm so proud to be Mrs Mark Loney.

You are the best part of me and I will love you until the end of time.

APPLAUSE

I hereby declare that you, Mark and Jill, are now husband and wife.

CHEERING

I give you Mark and Jill.

Against all the odds, Mark and Jill are husband and wife.

But the day's not over yet...

-Oh my God, it's so nice!

-Like it?

-I love it!

-It was a four-tier cake...

-Uh-huh...

-And we had to drive it down here...

-Did it fall?

-The bottom tier collapsed.

-Thank you.

-It's still a wee bit... Thank you so much.

-For you, Jilly.

Mark has pulled off the impossible.

He might not have spent 70 grand,

but he's organised a wedding so original

that even Britain's most demanding bride is happy.

I would like to say to you...

that you have made me so angry,

but yet so sad, in the last three weeks.

-But do you know something? It's all been worth it.

-Yeah?

Because as much as I'm pained to say, you're so right,

you're really good at planning weddings.

-Apart from getting dresses?

-Shut up, Mark - that was really shit, actually.

That was really shit.

In the last three weeks, we've put everything - heart, soul, blood, tears -

just to get this perfect for you.

-And it's more than perfect.

-It's more than perfect, is it?

-Yeah.

-Shall we go and have fun?

-Yes. I love you.

Go and see the magician?

Right, everybody!

This is the only bit of my wedding that I get to organise.

One...two...

three... Go!

This'll be the last time I'll speak on Jill and me's behalf again, ever!

So, I'd better make the most of it.

-You'd better believe it.

-It's not even started yet!

But Jill, in all honesty, you do make me feel happy.

On that note, if you could all stand and toast my beautiful wife, Jill.

CHEERING

'I'm so glad that Mark Loney is back in her life, because I didn't realise'

what a pain in the backside Jill was!

-Have her!

-I totally love her, I knew she was dramatic, but oh, my God!

But today has proved, no matter what, she loves him, she wants to marry him, so...

We're so relieved that she went through with it.

I was worried that her own emotions would just take over.

"I don't want to do this, therefore I'm not marrying him," which is not the point!

That's not the point! But she done it, so we're so happy.

Jill may have spoiled Mark's grand plan,

but with his bride back from the brink, he decides to push his luck.

-The main stage fucked up earlier on.

-Right.

-But, we're going down now.

-OK.

-Do you want to go for it?

-Yes.

-The headline act is about to go on.

-The headline act is about to go on. Shall I go down and do it?

-Yes, let's do it.

We're going to be on stage! We're going to the main stage!

So the bride that wanted a traditional wedding,

as featured in her glossy magazine,

is loving every minute of her truly alternative day.

We're at the main stage of the Wickerman Festival.

Why did I ever say I wanted a traditional wedding?

# MUSIC: "One Day Like This" by Elbow

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jill! Jilly!

It's usually stars up on the main stage,

and because you're my star, that's why you're here.

CHEERING

So... I'm just pretty much up here, promising...

to...make you proud.

And be the best husband you can imagine. OK?

CHANTING: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

And now he just needs the help of the 20,000-strong crowd,

to get her on the bungee ball!

So anyway, we're going to go on the bungee ball after this, as well.

CHEERING

It's up to Jill if she goes on, but it's more up to you guys, so...

CHEERING

-CHANTING:

-Do it! Do it! Do it!

I'll do it. I'll do it!

CHEERING

Give it up for the bride and groom! Mark and Jill!

# So throw those curtains wide

# Just one day like this a year would see me right

# Throw those curtains wide

# One day like this a year would see me right. #

Oh, my God! HE LAUGHS

Oh, Loney - I'm going to kill you!

Next week, metalhead Martin plans a wedding to rock his bride's world.

I need, like, the princess wedding.

It needs to be a big metal show.

But with a best man vying for the limelight...

-Are you jealous cos I've got other people here?

-And more meltdowns than metal...

-I don't even WANT you at my wedding!

-One more word!

Will bride Terri get a day to remember,

or one she'd rather forget?

I don't like it at all. SHE SOBS

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd