Jade and Levi Don't Tell the Bride

-Let's click the shoes and make a wish.

-'Every girl dreams of her wedding.'

-I want to be you now.

-'But what happens when she has no say

'on her big day?

-'Don't Tell The Bride is back.'

-This is all for the name of love.

'12 gallant grooms are taking control.'

-SHE SCREAMS

-'With 12 grand a piece.'

-Give it to me!

-'And just three weeks to organise a wedding.'

-Absolute idiot.

-'They're more daring...'

-Why are we here?

-'..more ambitious...'

-Why has he done this?

'..and more outrageous than ever before.'

-Ohh!

-It's not a joke.

-Agh!

-'Will the glass slipper fit?'

-Oh, my word.

-Hell, no.

'Will true love conquer all?'

-Horrid, horrid, horrid.

-Oh, my God, it's going to be on the beach.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-'And will there be a fairytale ending?'

-I don't like it!

-Is it the right ring?

-Turn the camera off.

-'Or just a damsel in distress?'

-Wishes do come true.

-Sometimes they don't.

-'Tonight...'

-Oh, my God!

'..a tale of two halves,

'as bad-boy Levi kicks off a dream wedding...'

HE LAUGHS

-'..for his good-girl bride, Jade.'

-I don't like this! I don't want to go in!

'But while she wants an intimate family affair...'

In the middle of nowhere, no interruptions.

'..he wants a guest list of thousands.'

-This is incredible.

-Match day, get your football boots on.

-'With a father-in-law on the warpath...'

-When are we supposed to know?

-He was offensive, if anything.

-'..can this football-mad groom...'

-Where's the cake going?

-'..pull off a wedding for his straight-laced bride?'

Some people can crumble under pressure.

Every guy wants this done and I can't believe I'm the bird that has to go through with it.

'Or will he be completely out of his league?'

We'll just have to discuss it and find out why he ever thought whatever he did was right.

You are joking.

This programme contains some strong language

'Pottery capital Stoke-on-Trent

'is where bad-boy Levi first laid eyes on his good-girl fiancee, Jade, ten years ago.'

-Levi was being very, erm...

-Cheeky.

Cheeky. Definitely cheeky.

And you had the look and the talk and the walk.

He was the rebel that everyone wanted to hang out with.

He seemed to be the first one that was kind of doing everything. Clubbing, drinking.

-You always want a bad boy, don't you?

-HE LAUGHS

I had one thing on my mind and I just thought she was a stunning girl

-and just wanted to get to know her a bit more, didn't I?

-Yeah.

'Levi's wild ways were a world away from well-behaved Jade's.

'With her dad in the army, she rarely stepped out of line.'

I was always quite into my school

and I wasn't really one of these that made any trouble for my mum and dad, you know.

I think I was quite mature at that age.

'For only-child Levi,

'growing up was a more relaxed affair.'

I was pretty much left to my own devices.

With me being their only son, my mum and dad, they do think a lot of me,

and as soon as I was old enough to make my own decisions,

that was exactly what Mum and Dad wanted me to do.

"Go and see the real world yourself."

Knocking about on the streets, me and the lads, playing a bit of footy,

drinking, smoking, obviously. It was all good.

'Level-headed lifeguard instructor Jade

'rescued Levi from a world heading off the deep end.'

She saved me, almost, from my previous life

and almost, like, pulled me into this new life

where it's like, just put your mind to it and work hard and you can do whatever you want.

I'd never really had that kind of philosophy before until Jade.

So long as Jade sees me as top dog,

that's all I'm bothered about, really.

'But it's not all one way.

'Jade's rebellious fiance has started to rub off on her, too.'

Now that's cool. Yeah, yeah.

-I don't think it's no secret that I've changed you in some ways, too.

-Yeah.

The music side's a big one. Obviously, Jade was a big pop music fan.

I wasn't a pop music fan!

-Basically, just making her a little bit more cool, innit?

-A little bit.

-I was already there.

-Were you? I hadn't noticed.

-HE LAUGHS

-Yeah, exactly.

'Now hard-working project engineer Levi

'is being kept on the straight and narrow.'

-I'd say I wear the trousers.

-Jade wears the trousers

-because I let her wear them.

-He always says that!

That's not true! You can't do that to me!

Just now and again, you'll just see that look in her eye

and you just think, "I'm in trouble here," so...

'12 months on, they've bought a home together and are engaged to be married.

'And for Levi, it's payback time

'by planning the biggest day of Jade's life.'

I sorted out the mortgage and the house, so this is his way of repaying me.

Definitely.

Now is my time to step up and try and repay her,

you know, make her proud of me, cos at the end of the day, she did save me from where I was and I owe her.

'But Jade has high hopes for her big day.'

My perfect wedding day would be country, vintage,

very personal, just special people there.

The worst wedding for me would be something down the local pub.

You know, the whole boy thing.

She thinks she knows what she wants,

but I'm just pretty confident that what I give to her

is going to be a lot better than anything that she could throw together.

I just want to make it a massive, massive wedding,

something that no-one will forget, especially the people in the area.

I must either be very brave or very stupid to do this.

I haven't yet quite worked out which one

and I think it'll probably take me these next three weeks to work out which one it is.

'It's time for Jade to pack her bags.'

A bit sad. I don't really want to go,

so I think it's going to be quite hard.

So packing all of my stuff away out of my house is really strange.

And I've got a teddy that Levi bought me for Valentine's

and it smells like him, so I'm taking it with me.

'Jade and Levi won't see each other again until their wedding day.'

Come here.

-I'm going to miss you. I love you, Jade.

-I love you.

Mwah. Have a good time.

We are so close, it's untrue. He's my soul mate. We were meant to be together.

And it's like it's just hit me.

I have been trying to get myself prepared for the fact that I'm going to leave him,

but it's just when he looks at me and I can see it in his eyes

and he doesn't want to cry because it's not cool,

so he kind of just made me... You know, just upset me.

Feeling pretty devastated at the minute,

knowing that I'm not going to see her now for three weeks.

I'm surprised how upset I am because obviously I've got three weeks ahead of me of lads' nights now.

-Yeah, I'm all right.

-'For the next three weeks, Jade will be living up the road

'at mum Deb and dad Ian's house,

'along with their 15 chickens, two dogs and a pet bird called Bird.'

The chickens need cleaning once a week.

Ironing, I know you can iron now, so there's no excuse about the ironing at all.

I don't know how I'll find time for all of this.

I hope you've remembered that the cockerels wake you up early. COCKEREL CROWS

I haven't missed that.

'Back at Levi's, the groom is about to be joined by his partner in crime,

'childhood pal and best man Damo.'

He knows what he's doing. Can't see him really messing it up too much,

but we are lads, so... But I'm there to support him, anyway.

I'll be there at the wedding, I'll be there at the divorce papers.

With Damo behind him, I'm not too sure.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Do you think he's going to do something out of the extraordinary?

Because Damo is... He's a fruitcake.

THEY LAUGH Ey-up, our kid!

Oh, dear. I can't believe my best mate's getting married. That's it.

You're leaving me now, innit. These are the only three weeks I'm going to get.

-The biggest priority for me has been obviously the stag do.

-LEVI LAUGHS

What do you think about a male stripper?

Them pair will probably act like it's them two getting married

and they'll be getting all excited,

until it comes to the day and then they realise what they've done is just for them two and not for me.

Levi won't do that. He loves you too much to do anything like that.

'No, of course Levi wouldn't do anything like that. But he does have a plan.

'It's big, it's grey and it's heading round to his house.'

That could be a, er, special visitor, mate.

What do you mean? Have you ordered a kebab?

HE LAUGHS Yes!

'Meet Pottermus, mascot to Stoke City Football Club.'

This is how I'm going to introduce the idea to you.

This is the big, the massive idea.

-What do you mean, the idea?

-Don't you worry. Come in, pal.

THEY LAUGH

-No way!

-I know, man!

-What, you thinking of marrying Pottermus?

-Yeah! That's the idea!

Come here! Oh, my God!

So, who do you support then, mate?

-This is the big idea.

-What?

-City, man!

-At the ground?

-At the ground, man.

But get this. Half time.

-Shit.

-Yes, man. This is what I'm saying.

-Seriously?

Oh, what, a bunch of Stoke fans? You know what, they're going to be shouting abuse at you.

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh, no! Come here!

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, my God. Anyway, do you want a beer?

'Well, that's the wedding planning all wrapped up. Now for a sing-along.'

ALL: # Why, why, why, Delilah?

'To Stoke's legendary anthem, Delilah.

# So before

# They come to break down the door

'It's like Tom Jones is actually in the room.'

-# Take any more

-'Or not.'

-COCKEREL CROWS

-'Morning at Jade's parents' and Mum and Dad are dreaming of

'the traditional wedding they want for their precious daughter.'

-The venue, for me, would be a big church.

-I would've liked to have had you a big white wedding with...

-A church?

-The one is Ashbury.

-Yeah. And the bells.

-Cos that's 800 years old, that church.

-Really, you're my only daughter, and I would've liked,

you know, to be involved in perhaps more planning.

Because I'm not going to get that chance now.

'But Levi does want to get married in a church.

'His church - Stoke City Football Club.

'And the reality's dawning on Jade that this wedding isn't just about her and Levi.'

Since I've moved back in with my mum and dad

and I'm listening to what they kind of wanted for me,

erm, it's put a lot of pressure on.

I feel very torn, cos my mum and dad are very traditional.

Half of me wants to trust Levi and know that he's going to do the right thing.

I would like to think he's putting me first,

or at least considering us as a couple and not just him.

If he was doing that, I would be really upset.

-'Oh, dear.'

-Wow! Oh, mate!

-Look at this!

-Ohh!

-DAMO LAUGHS

This is incredible. This is the holy ground.

You want to be facing there,

so that at the end, you can run and take a penalty and score a penalty.

All of our friends could be stood in a line either side and clapping you like it would be as a footballer.

-How great is that?

-That would be ace. That's what I want.

-Just clapping you as you walk.

-And we're coming in like...

-Yeah.

-DAMO LAUGHS

-Levi Stone, City's number ten.

THEY LAUGH

'But the bride's dream wedding is in a completely different ball park.

'Like her parents, Jade's ideal venue is traditional and tranquil.

'She's exploring Ashes Country House with bridesmaid Kirsty.'

-I really like this, Jade.

-I like it. It's exactly what I want.

In the middle of nowhere, no interruptions.

It really is something I've always wanted.

In a barn, in the country, very quiet.

-It's definitely me but I don't know if it's definitely Levi.

-No.

-I don't think it's Levi at all.

-I'm just hoping he's thinking bigger picture.

'He's definitely thinking bigger picture.

'A wedding in front of 28,000 football fans, to be precise.'

-This place is going to be full.

-Last game of the season.

-One of the last games of the season

-and we're there getting married.

-It's just going to be incredible, the atmosphere, the noise.

-It'll be ace.

-What do you think they'll be saying?

-# You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you're doing

CROWD: # You don't know what you're doing

# You don't know what you're doing

I'm going to have the biggest guest list ever. 28,000.

'But Jade's got her heart set on something a tad less crowded.'

I'd say that's about the right amount of people.

The only time I wouldn't like being the centre of attention is if I did have such a big wedding.

People that you didn't know. People judging what you're wearing

or where you're having it.

-People you don't know.

-People that don't know you or don't know what you want.

'How about 28,000 of them?'

-We've got it spot on. If we can get the agreement today...

-We just need to agree to it.

We've got it! Give me some skin. Whoo!

-Oh, my God!

-LEVI LAUGHS

'These lads know just what they want, which is exactly what Jade's worried about.'

I think it's just made me realise how much I haven't got control.

If you turn up on the day and he's done something completely that you would not like, how will you feel?

We'll just have to discuss it and find out why he ever thought whatever he did was right.

I will be upset if he doesn't get me what I want. I would be so devastated.

You just can't explain what you're going to do. I might flip, I don't know.

It's... Yeah, I mean, I could shout at him,

but I don't know what it would achieve by doing it.

'To be fair, he probably wouldn't hear you over the crowd.

'Still, Levi needs to close the deal on his football wedding.

'It's all in the hands of club representative Rob Pass.'

The killer idea which we have got, which, you know, it is our dream, isn't it?

-Yeah. It's a big dream.

-It's a big dream.

You might just tell us that that's all it'll probably stay,

but we were thinking about potentially getting married down there.

-You can't, guys. I'm sorry.

-Never going to happen?

-We don't have a licence for that.

-No?

-No.

That's what our current licence suggests.

It's just a dream, isn't it?

I mean, it'd be so...

-But, of course, if it's not the case that you can...

-Sorry, guys.

-Hm.

-That sort of kicks it out the window a bit, then, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-That was the idea, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Sorry about that, guys.

Can you do ceremonies in here?

In here? Yeah.

-What about on match day?

-We can't on match days.

-No?

-No.

-You can't have a ceremony at all?

-No. Obviously, all these rooms you can see now are used in match day hospitality.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-So that's it, then. Not going to be working out as we thought, is it?

Have you got a date in mind?

-Erm...

-Yeah.

It'd be, what was it, three weeks yesterday.

-Yesterday, wasn't it?

-Which I know is also very short notice.

-Three weeks from today?

Effectively, yeah, three weeks from yesterday, yeah.

-That's Tottenham at home.

-Tottenham at home, yeah.

-That was the aim.

-No. Sorry, guys. We're sold out.

Yeah.

-Well, that says that, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-That was the dream, that was the idea.

-I'm absolutely devastated at that.

Fucking hell.

'A precious day's planning gone and Levi's Stoke FC wedding

'has been shown the red card.'

No was pretty much the answer to every question which we had,

which was just, er... It was just heartbreaking.

It was like the dream was just falling apart in our hands.

'Day two and the boys need to find a wedding venue fast.'

Gutting that we, you know, couldn't get it all at the club,

at the ground, but we need to get cracking now

cos obviously we need to sort the actual venue out, really.

'They're looking at the Moat House Hotel as a possible venue to stamp their footy theme on.'

Dance floor's under the red carpet just at the front.

We take the red carpet up, then you have round tables around the room and the buffet at the back.

'But for a life-long Stoke fan,

'a hotel is a poor substitute to Stoke City's hallowed turf.'

The idea was to get married at City, you know what I mean, and get it all done there.

We don't want to lose the dream, do we, the vision that we had.

I think it could be well worth one more shot at Stoke, just see if there is anything else they could do.

-Right.

-What's his number?

'Levi makes a last-ditch call to the club

'to try and save his dream.'

Hiya, Rob, it's Levi. We was just wondering if you might be available

for us to come and see you again, just for another quick chat.

"Yeah, of course, mate, no problem. Say four o'clock?"

-Four o'clock? That'd be brilliant, Rob. Thanks!

-"See you later."

-Bye.

-One shot, one chance.

-We want it so bad

-to be this dream now.

-Yeah.

# You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

# This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

'The boys' persistence may even pay off.

'The club are trying to score a late winner for Levi.'

With it being our last match of the season,

I think it'd be good hopefully to get some sort of compromise and help them out.

I may have a solution to have the whole thing here for the day.

That sounds brilliant!

Because it's an early kick-off, it gives us that bit of flexibility later in the afternoon.

We can bring you down before the end of the first half,

do the blessing down on the pitch,

-and then you can watch the rest of the game and enjoy the hospitality up there.

-Yeah.

And then obviously what we can do then,

-provide the civil ceremony in the Stanley Matthews Lounge that we saw yesterday.

-Yeah.

And then once we get that done and out of the way,

your reception later on that evening.

So that's what I'm currently working on for the moment.

We might be tied with the numbers we can get during the day.

-So we might have to restrict you to 16.

-Right, OK.

'The club have come through with a one-time-only offer

'to hold the whole wedding on match day with a marriage blessing on the pitch at half time,

'the first ever in its 150-year history.'

-Thank you so much.

-Yeah.

-No worries.

-Thank you for making dreams come true.

THEY LAUGH

-I can't stop smiling now. Yeah, no, that's brilliant, Rob. Thank you very much.

-No problem, guys.

'After the blessing, Levi, Jade and their guests

'will have VIP seats to watch the second half

'and a wedding breakfast in the executive suite overlooking the pitch,

'followed by a legal ceremony and evening reception,

'all for £6,500.

'It's every girl's dream.'

This is happening for you, pal. Get used to that idea, mate. This is reality now.

This is just stupidly unreal. I cannot believe it.

How do you think she's going to react to it, though?

She's going to get married with 28,000 people, on a football pitch. I hope she's going to be all right.

-Some people can crumble under pressure.

-I think she'll just be buzzing.

-She should be.

-When we actually gets out here and she sees me,

she'll be right.

It's a change from the normal for the civil ceremonies that we do. It's a bit off the wall.

If she's a mad Stoke fan like Levi is then she'll have a great day.

You've got to think of the venue. It's not got to be too feminine.

Masculine as in, like, football?

I think I'd slap him if he picked a football stadium.

'Unaware of her impending soccer ceremony,

'Jade and her mates are worried Levi might score an embarrassing own goal.'

-You could get married on the pitch in the centre circle.

-I don't like football! I don't understand it!

-What would you do if he did that?

-I wouldn't be very happy.

-It's not about the venue, is it?

-It is, though, because it's my special day!

Yeah, but with him, it's getting everyone there. What if he forgets to tell people the time?

Well, there'll be no-one there, then, will there?

'Not to worry. If he does forget the invites,

'they'll have 28,000 footy fans for company. Result.

'But there's one name Levi won't be leaving off the team sheet.'

-Hello?

-'His mum Nicky. He's come to share the good news.'

-So, what have you got to tell us?

-It looks like we've got the full job. Half time, blessing on the pitch.

-I didn't think you'd be able to do it.

-It's every Stokey's dream.

-This is what I mean.

I can't understand how you managed to get what you want.

Actually getting married in front of all those people, it must be so scary, Levi.

-I would imagine so.

-All the fans are there

to support Stoke and they're going to see you getting married.

-I know.

-I can't believe that you're actually doing it.

-I know.

You know, it's like... Stoke City.

I can't tell you how much I am proud of you for getting there.

I can't wait to see Jade's face.

If I was Jade, I'd be thinking, "Oh, my God!"

-And as they speak now, "OMG!"

-SHE LAUGHS

Aww, I'm going to be so proud.

Aww. Absolutely lovely.

Jade's mum and dad are going to be absolutely overwhelmed with the whole situation.

'Well, maybe.

'Jade's dad Ian is very protective of his daughter.

'He's also a Stoke City fan.

'But what will this military man make of his only daughter getting married on match day?'

Jade is a goer and she likes to organise a lot of the stuff herself.

So the fact that she's let Levi do it is a strange thing.

If she's not happy then I won't be happy.

But till the last minute, I'll say to her that she doesn't have to go through with it.

As long as she ends up with a nice dress, I think she'll be happy.

If not, then he's dead.

'Having netted a half-time wedding for his football-hating bride,

'Levi needs to do well with her kit, I mean, dress.'

I think if I don't get this right, I think that'll be a pretty big problem, to be honest.

You don't want it to be too much on that part of it, cos she doesn't...

-I do.

-Oh, you do.

-LEVI LAUGHS

-What's this one like here?

-I think it's a bit too whatsit at the bottom, isn't it?

I've never shopped for this before and I'm actually enjoying it.

-What about this one here?

-I don't know, mate.

-Yeah.

-That's not a safe option, is it?

-'So rebel Levi's playing it unusually safe.'

-I like this one.

-'Meanwhile, good girl Jade's fantasising

'about the fairytale dress she would choose if she was in charge,

'with mum Deb and bridesmaids Maxine, Melissa and Madison.'

-I'm trying that one on.

-'In her fairytale,

'she'd be wearing a vintage ivory gown.'

Ooh! That is sparkly! OK, we'll definitely go for that one.

-ALL: Wow!

-Is it big?

-That is absolutely gorgeous.

-Amazing.

-I want to be you now.

-It's got everything, hasn't it?

-It's exactly like the princess fairytale.

-It is, isn't it? It looks very much like a Disney dress.

I'll do another...

I am very excited, cos the first time I'm going to see him, I'll be in a wedding dress.

I can wish for something like this, though, and wishes do come true.

Sometimes they don't.

-Ohh.

-That is so nice.

'Still, Levi's wishes have come true in the shape of a simple satin dress

'worth £675.'

That is it. That is the one.

Your dress is going to fit to your venue?

It's actually going to be at Stoke City on match day at half time.

-In front of 28,000 people.

-On the pitch?

-On the pitch.

-Oh, my God!

-THEY LAUGH

To making the right decision.

THEY LAUGH

'Jade's realising she won't get her princess dress, worth a princely £1,600.

'And that's not all.'

Maybe trying the dress on has just made me realise

that I haven't got control of anything.

And I don't know what's going to happen or what dress I'm getting or what venue we've got.

And this is meant to be a good day and I've made my mum cry.

Cos I'm worried about you.

It's just hard. We aren't going to be able to do anything, are we? That's all.

I don't know what the theme's going to be, what colour it's going to be, where it's going to be.

I am worried that I don't know what he's doing, him and Damo.

With them pair, neither of them are going to be backing down.

They'll pretty much just go wild.

I just hope they can pull it off.

'But ten days in and Levi has been summoned for an urgent meeting

'with Stoke City's head groundsman, Andy.'

-Levi. You all right?

-Yeah, not too bad.

'He could set the sprinklers on the whole wedding.'

So it's half time, before the match, full wedding dress, suit?

Well, the wedding dress isn't too bad. It goes out like this.

We were on about shoes. We were unsure what we want to do with shoes but that's a question for you.

Yeah, that's what we wanted to speak to you about.

With it being a match day, we do have issues.

We don't allow people to wear heels,

which is a bit of a concern for yourselves.

Well, I always thought that with doing it this way, we probably would have to get two sets of shoes.

-No-one's going to see her feet.

-Yeah.

-We could get flat shoes.

Or match day, get football boots on.

-We thought about that.

-Why not?

-THEY LAUGH

It's a good idea. Get some, like, glisteny ones.

Cos if we water the pitch, it can get quite slippy.

So the traction on her feet... You don't want the bride slipping over.

Football boots. I think football boots for the bride, to be fair.

What about these ones?

'With the bride in football boots, it seems Levi and Damo won't be the only studs at this wedding.

'But Jade can still dream, for now.'

I do like the fact that the gems are on the front and it's covered.

I am very small, I'm only five-foot-one,

so I need some heels for a bit of height.

I always think it looks better when you're a little bit taller,

so if we can deceive and make it look like I am then I'll be happy.

-There we go, we're in.

-Nice.

-Yeah, they are nice.

-They are really nice.

-Yeah.

-To me, they're more wedding.

-I'd say these ones.

What you might have to do is drop some hints, like, "Jade would really like them."

Let's just clip the shoes together and make a wish.

-Only 15 quid.

-Red and white stripes.

'Bargain footy boots, one,

'Jade's dream stilettos, nil.

'So, pushing his football theme to the max,

'Levi burns £475 on a football pitch dance floor

'with bespoke goal posts,

'£260 on Stoke City inspired flowers

'and £40 on a romantic personalised wedding gift for Jade.'

-Check that out!

-'It still leaves footy-mad Levi plenty to tackle,

'including suits, bridesmaids' dresses and a hen do.

'But there's always time to catch up with Mum.'

-You're going to be actually married.

-Yeah.

It's my little boy and he's going to get married and it's a big thing.

-Of course it is.

-I am really, really looking forward to it, you know?

-And you'll have Jade forever.

-Yeah.

-Is that what you want?

Then I'll have to ask the missus before I go out.

-Oh, come on!

-THEY LAUGH

-You're not nervous at all?

-Not at all, no.

I think I've mainly been too busy, but also, now the main thing is I can't wait to see her.

I'm sat there at home thinking, "I wonder if he wants any help, if he needs me to run round."

You know? "Has he got all his washing, has he done all his ironing?"

-Aw, I don't really want to let you go, Levi. You know?

-I bet.

It's... I've had you for that long, you know?

And you've always wanted us and you've always needed us

and I don't want you to not need me anymore.

-HE LAUGHS

-I don't, Levi.

-It's going to...

-HE LAUGHS

I am going to start crying!

'With ten days to go, Levi is growing concerned

'about how his stadium wedding will go down with his straight-laced bride.'

Obviously, the actual ceremony itself,

I can't see that's something that any girl would pick.

'But he can still make it up to her.'

For the hen do, I suppose it's guilt in a way.

You know, we feel that we owe it to her to give her a quality hen do.

'Levi just needs to make sure he gives Jade a quality hen do.'

Oh, my God!

'Or as some might call it, a cheap night down the local.'

No! No! No! Are you being serious?

-'Yes, yes, yes.'

-You have reached your destination.

-Is this seriously where we're going?

-Yep, this is the place.

-Oh, I'm worried.

-What the hell are we doing here?

Oh, no! I don't like this! I don't want to go in!

I can't believe he's brought me to the local.

-Hiya.

-You all right?

-I am.

-We thought we were going to the Bargain Boot next door.

-SHE LAUGHS

I can't decide whose fault this is.

At first, I was like, "This is Damo!"

but now I'm thinking it's actually both of them. They must have both thought this would be hilarious.

'As for the stags, all they need is a few crates of lager and a kitchen.'

THEY SING

I think we can just relax a little bit today and have a bit of fun with it and take a bit of the stress off.

It's his stag, we don't want to think of anything other than getting smashed.

'But Levi does have something else up his sleeve for Jade.'

-It's a mystery.

-This is a bit exciting, isn't it?

-Hey!

-Hey!

Hiya.

-Oh, no!

-ALL CHEER

-We thought you were going to strip!

-OK, I will!

ALL CHEER

'He's arranged a party bus to take the girls clubbing in Manchester.'

ALL CHEER

I think everyone's impressed, not just me.

ALL CHEER

'Back on the stag...'

ALL: # I'm a rock and roll star

'..Levi's belting out Oasis songs. And yes, that really is them.

'The number one Oasis cover band in the local area.'

We've got to introduce somebody onto the stage right now.

He's going to sing with me. It's his stag do tonight,

so welcome on stage Levi and his best man!

ALL: # I was looking for some action

# But all I found

# Was cigarettes and alcohol

# You've gotta make it happen

# You've gotta make it happen

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'With just a week to go, Jade wants to learn more

'about her parents' traditional big day.'

Our wedding was a family wedding, a big family wedding.

-And how did you pick your theme?

-You just know.

When you go and look at a dress and then you pick your bridesmaids' dresses,

and you just pick up on the colours that are in the dress.

But you won't be doing that, will you?

Why didn't you just pick a normal wedding?

-I suppose you never thought I'd be getting married like this.

-No.

I wonder how my dad's going to be when he has to take me down.

Your poor dad doesn't even know what he's wearing yet.

'That's all right, neither do Levi and Damo.'

BOTH: Er....

'And with just £1,000 left in the budget,

'they need to cut costs while still looking cool.'

Will the two fellas with the wheelchair stop fucking about.

LEVI LAUGHS I don't like it!

-Pretty good, mate.

-You know, we want to be Modding it up, Quadrophenia style.

-Yeah.

-It needs to be fitted just right.

'The style-conscious lads have a plan to save money.'

We'll get dads to buy their own, which I think is fair.

-Plus, it's only, what, 69 quid?

-69. It's an absolute steal.

'Sorted. But back at Jade's, tensions are growing.'

-It's getting worrying now.

-Why?

I'd just like to know what's going on or if we're allowed to know what's going on.

'Mum's not the only one. Ex-army officer Ian is really struggling.'

I don't know what I'm wearing, we don't know where we're going, we've got to book taxis.

How are we getting there? How are we getting back?

Don't shout at me! It's got nothing to do with me!

My dad, he's so nosy!

It's like he is an investigator.

I feel so bad for Levi.

I can imagine my dad being a right nightmare.

'Never mind. Damo's calling Jade's dad right now

'to tell him he has to pick up and pay for his own suit for the wedding.'

We just thought, because we wanted to keep the suit for you.

'But it doesn't go down well.'

-His dad's paying for it, I'm paying for my own.

-Go where you want, get a suit.

-Thank you very much.

I'll let him know. Cheers.

I'm fucking steaming, man.

Basically, her dad doesn't want us thinking that we're going too cheap on the suits,

that we've gone that cheap on his daughter's dress,

but that's the reason why our suits are cheap,

because his daughter's dress has cost so much money.

I can't believe he's actually done that.

It kind of hits you a little bit when you see that your mate's

doing everything he possibly can to make the best day for his wife-to-be

and they've got no faith in him. It just feels a bit like that.

It feels like they've got no faith in him.

We have put all this time and effort and a lot of money has gone into it,

especially on the bride's side.

We've done as much as we can to make it perfect for her.

You know, I just hope that they will give me a chance to show them on the day

and not go passing judgement too soon.

'Jade's dad has arrived to pick up his suit.'

-That phone call, I wasn't happy.

-HE LAUGHS

But actually, looking at them, they're quite nice, actually.

I've sent them a nice text, I apologised, cos I think I went off on one on the phone.

'But it seems it's not just the suit that's concerning him.

'This ex-military man has been on a secret mission

'to uncover as much info on the wedding as possible.'

I do want to find out what's going on. I drove to Stafford Register Office

to find out what day it was on and then they wouldn't tell me anything.

I've just been sent round in circles.

They must have signed data protection, cos they're not saying anything. I was well pissed off

and I said, "Where are the times and the dates," and she says, "We don't let people know. It's not on there.

"You've got to speak to Stoke-on-Trent, who are marrying them."

But they wouldn't tell me anything, either, so I still don't have a clue.

-'It's probably best.'

-Let's do this.

-When's the wedding?

-I don't know.

-And I'm the father of the bride and you'd think I'd know by now, wouldn't you?

-Yeah.

'Saving money might be the name of the game,

'but for trendsetters Levi and Damo, style must come first.'

# Looking back on the track for a little green bag

'They've found the funds to transform their £69 suits

'into tailor-made Mod classics.'

We're after, you know, the old 60s Mod look, you know?

Yeah, we can slim them down, make them a lot more fitted.

Get them exactly how you want, get that nice, slim leg, a nice tapered body.

# Looking for some happiness but there is only loneliness to find

Being big football fans and Stoke City fans,

we thought it's only right to get married at our church.

-Good stuff.

-Getting married on match day and at half time.

At half-time? And the wedding's going to be on the pitch?

-On the pitch, yeah.

-Oh, wow!

-My lady don't know yet, so I don't know what she's going to do.

-She won't know what she's letting herself in for.

-Thanks very much. Deal, yeah.

'A snip at £160.'

My wife was really nervous on the day we got married,

so imagine turning up not knowing that you're going to be confronted with 25,000 Stoke fans,

it's going to be a bit of a daunting thing. Yeah.

Oh, my God. This is the best money we've spent. I can't believe it.

That was the best idea we've had.

It was better than the football club idea, yeah. THEY LAUGH

That guy is like the Jesus Christ of clothing.

-We're going to be the Mods, man.

-We are the Mods.

-We are the Mods.

'Jade might be torn between her traditional parents and rebellious husband-to-be,

'but she's still pining after her bad boy.'

I'm really missing him. And it's very hard.

I just want to call him just to say I love him and I'm missing him and I hope he's all right.

Hopefully he's missing me as much as I'm missing him.

'With just three days to go, Jade's about to find out the all-important wedding date.'

Hello, princess. Remember me?

The date is this Sunday, your carriage will collect you at 1pm sharp.

So you need to be ready. I can't wait to see you. I love you, Jade.

So we're getting married Sunday at one.

-Oh, I wished it was a bit earlier.

-THEY LAUGH

It's going to be so nice to just see him.

I always say that I'm in his pocket, so I'll probably just be walking around with him the whole time.

I don't think people really understand how long three weeks is.

I just... I really miss him and I just can't wait to see him.

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la

-Hi, there.

-'The lads are hunting for bridesmaids' dresses to match their Stoke City colour scheme.'

Blue is not right. Black is not right.

'But down to their last few hundred pounds,

'and with a photographer, DJ and cake still to pay for, they need to economise.'

-What do you reckon?

-The colour suits you.

-It does, doesn't it?

That looks really nice.

-Yeah, that's not bad, that's lovely, that's lovely.

-It's got a nice bit of detail there.

See, I can see it. I can see it.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, you make that look good, mate!

-Eight.

-Yeah.

-12!

-Just get them. Just get them. Just get them.

-Yes! We've done it.

I don't even let my boyfriend pick my dress, let alone...

-..somebody else's boyfriend.

-Is the colour going to suit us?

It's not like we've got something that's diabolically shit.

It's not diabolically great either, though, is it?

-Close your eyes. Close your eyes.

-Close your eyes.

-Can we look?

-No.

-Right.

-The only colour Jade said she didn't want was red.

Don't worry about that, I'll sort that. Let's get them on and see what they look like.

-Yeah, they're nice.

-Yeah, I think that looks fine, mate.

Looks classy, like as if you're going to a wedding.

The only thing I'm worried about is the colour. Jade specifically said she doesn't like red.

-I'm sure she's said that, hasn't she?

-Yeah.

-She hates red.

Obviously, the bridesmaid's dress usually goes with the colour theme. I'm thinking, "Oh, my God."

I don't know.

'It's the day before the wedding, and time for Jade to see the dress Levi picked out for her.'

I'm scared now.

It is a bit plain.

I don't really like the back. It's only got a zip.

It just looks like a normal dress.

It's just maybe a bit boring.

He hasn't got a clue.

Well, he's tried his best.

And obviously, because I didn't know what to expect,

cos I hadn't really thought about it,

this is the first thing I've seen that he's done.

And obviously, the dress is what I'll be wearing the whole day.

It's just very emotional.

Wow!

-It's really nice.

-It's gorgeous.

-Do you like it?

-Yeah.

-It's lovely.

-You look pretty.

-It's not too much, is it?

I love the shoes.

-It is beautiful. It's lovely.

-It is, it's really nice.

Well, he's definitely making sure I look like a princess.

That's cos you are his princess.

-Earrings. And a tiara!

-THEY LAUGH

I love it. He's done so well. I'm ready to get married now.

Can I go to bed in it?

Now I've tried it on, I love it and I can't wait to wear it.

-She looks stunning.

-And we look like a sack of potatoes.

'After three long weeks, it's match day.

'Jade and Levi's wedding kicks off in just a few hours' time.'

I can't wait. I'm just so excited to see him, it's untrue.

I just... It's such a mad feeling to not know what's going on

and to wake up this morning and know I'm getting married but not know where I'm getting married.

I think it's the biggest day of all our lives.

It's the thing that when she's born, that you realise 20 or 30 years down the line she's going to be married.

I'm hoping for the best. I just want to try and keep thinking positive, especially with the weather and that.

The main thing is I just can't wait to see Jade.

I think when I see Jade, I don't think anything else will really matter.

-I haven't a clue what he's going to do.

-Have you not got an idea what he might go for for himself?

I didn't really want to get married in a church.

-Or Stoke Stadium. They were off limits.

-Is he a Stoke fan, is he?

-Yeah.

'While Jade prepares for the biggest day of her life,

'the sharp-suited lads get busy.

'Heading off for the first half of the match.'

# I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window

# I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind

# She was my woman

To a big day, lads, ladies.

Hopefully to a win.

Yeah, let's hope Stoke win. Cheers.

I wouldn't have picked them. Nan, they're old-fashioned!

-They look like grandma dresses.

-Turn around, girls.

What's with no boobs? What's with everything just proper covered?

I'm just wondering, red and white, I don't know why he's gone for that.

I hope it's not Stoke.

-ALL CHEER

-Oh, yeah!

'Over at the, erm, wedding venue, it really is a big day for Levi.

'Stoke have just gone one-nil up against Spurs.'

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Yeah! High five!

You look stunning.

-Here you are, Jade.

-Thank you, Dad. Cheers.

Before half time, we need to go back through the stand, down through the gate down there,

and then we need to go the other side of the tunnel...

-ALL CHEER

-Oh, no, it's down my top!

-Good luck on your very special day.

-Thank you!

-Have a nice day!

-Thank you!

-Are you ready, Dad?

-I'm ready. Are you ready?

-I'm ready.

'Just 20 minutes away from the football ground

'and Jade's dad is still no closer to uncovering the whereabouts of the wedding.'

I haven't researched wedding venues in Stoke-on-Trent,

so I haven't got a clue where it could be because I've not been smart enough to look.

Well, we're still going into Stoke-on-Trent.

-We know it's not the Town Hall because it's not open.

-Oh, right.

We know it's not Hanley because it's not open.

There was the football club, and we thought it can't be there because you can't get married on a match day

and you can't get married the weekend of a match day, so there's no way it could be there.

Oh, lovely. That's nice to know.

It wouldn't surprise me if Jade could possibly be somewhere near the ground by now.

So she's probably just starting to get an idea of where the venue is now.

BOTH SHRIEK

Oh, no!

-ALL SHRIEK

-Oh, no!

Oh, no! We are going to Stoke Stadium!

Dad, I've never even been to watch a football game, yet I'm going to get married in a football stadium.

-I have a season ticket in that bit over there.

-She's thinking divorce.

She's probably thinking divorce before marriage.

I hope you're not getting married at half time.

-In front of 28,000 people.

-As if he's done this.

You need to be in position, we've got one minute 45 seconds,

so proper be on the case, we need to walk up as quick as we can.

Let's do it! Let's get him married!

Oh, my God! I wonder what my mum's thinking.

You are joking!

I'm not watching football. So, what have the men come here for, then?

I just don't know.

CROWD CHANT

They seem pretty rowdy but that's to be expected, you know?

Just get the job done, I just can't wait to do it now.

Jade's probably shitting herself now.

-I'm going to be getting married in front of how many people?

-27,500.

-Congratulations!

-I've not married him yet.

I think we might be having a few words after this.

Every guy wants this done,

-and I can't believe I'm the bird that has to go through with it.

-SHE SIGHS

Not long now. Hopefully it'll be a draw.

Or maybe we'll get a goal from this.

And the weather is fucking shit.

Present... from Levi.

Oh!

Am I seriously meant to be putting these on?

Oh, my God!

It's cold and I'm stood at a football pitch with football boots on.

'After three weeks of waiting, it's time for Jade to meet her man

'in front of almost 28,000 football fans.'

ALL CHANT: # You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you're doing

Why has he done this? This is not a good day.

I've got fucking football boots on.

Yeah, we're going on the pitch.

What are you doing?

CROWD CHEER

-It's all for you, babe.

-It's for you, not for me!

You look so nice, babe. Are you all right with it?

-ANNOUNCER: Congratulations to Jade and Levi!

-Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you!

Friends, family and football fans, we've gathered here today to bear witness to the marriage blessing

of Levi and Jade. Our time today is strictly limited to two minutes,

so it's going to be the condensed version.

I promise to keep my vows to you,

to share my dreams and hopes with you,

to spend the rest of my life with you.

I love you this much.

-Levi, will you live by this vow?

-I will.

Then place the ring on the third finger of her left hand.

Wonderful.

And Jade, will you live by this vow?

-Will you?

-I will.

-That's the one.

-Shove it on there.

Levi and Jade have made lifelong promises to one another,

and subject to a few mundane legalities which we'll do inside,

it gives me great pleasure to declare them as husband and wife.

So, please, you may kiss the bride.

ALL CHEER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've missed you so much.

ANNOUNCER: Please give them an absolutely massive round of applause.

Oh, my God!

Well, I wasn't expecting to get married here today.

I'm still getting used to the idea.

I thought it was amazing. I cannot believe we got to go on the pitch.

I've always been a Stoke City supporter,

so the fact that I've got to stand on the pitch and my daughter's been married on there for me is amazing.

-Congratulations.

-Thanks!

I was going to kill him at first, but it's their day, it's very special,

it's amazing, brilliant.

-Something you'll remember for the rest of your life.

-Definitely.

-'Now for the entrance of the bride and groom...'

-APPLAUSE

'..to a room full of football fans.'

So when did you see the fact that the bridesmaids' dresses were in the same colour as Stoke City shirts?

This morning, just before we came, about an hour before.

-And did that go down OK?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

-What could he have done differently?

-Everything.

-LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, the new Mr and Mrs Stone!

ALL CHEER

Even the mother-in-law has told me what a good job I've done, so I couldn't be happier.

It's the last home game of the season, we're here.

Erm, that's where I want to be, out there, watching the game.

He's done it perfect, I couldn't have done it better myself.

Just the fact that we're the first people to ever get married on a match game

is just mind blowing, you know, it really touches me, I can't believe he's managed to do it.

CROWD CHEER

I'm so happy Jade is happy with everything. I know it's not every woman's wedding dream,

but let's be honest, it's every lad's.

-'And there's still time for the newlyweds to take their seats for the second half.'

-Oh, my God.

'For once, football isn't the only thing on Levi's mind.'

-I told you I'd bring you to a Stoke game, babe.

-I know, I didn't think it would be on us wedding day.

-Eyes on the game.

-I can't. SHE LAUGHS

WHISTLE BLOWS

'But with Stoke losing two-one to Spurs,

'will Levi's football-themed reception leave Jade feeling defeated, too?'

We've got another football pitch. Where's the stuff for me?

This is the main one. This is for you.

I don't know what it's going to be.

-Are these all my letters?

-That's all your letters, which I've wrote to you every day.

# There's no need for you to say you're sorry

-Thank you.

-# Goodbye, I'm going home

As if I've got a shirt. To be fair, I would expect one, from what I've gone through today.

-Do you like that?

-I like that.

-Mrs Stone and then the date of our wedding day.

-Oh!

-That's your name now.

-Wow!

-That's your wedding cake, babe.

You've done a very good job, I'm very proud of you.

That's the only thing I need to hear.

# It keeps me up all night, up all night

'And as the day rolls on into extra time,

'it seems Levi scored a winner.'

Do you want to go play with the balls? Aww!

It's been a great day, and it's going to be a great night, as well, by the looks of it.

# Goodbye, I'm going home

I'm so happy for you, Levi. You've finally found the woman of your dreams.

It's been hard work, but my God, it's been fun.

Jade, thank you so much for making my best friend happy.

-He's the happiest man alive.

-APPLAUSE

A small token of our appreciation for bearing with us

and trusting us with your big day.

-Thank you, Levi. You're the best.

-Thanks, darling, love you.

I can't believe how the day's gone at all. It's been absolutely amazing.

They pulled something off that nobody else has ever done and ever will do.

For them to do that is probably the best thing in their life.

I've just married my Levi. That's it.

He is who he is and he's done what he wanted,

and you did well.

-CROWD CHEER

-# I'm going home #

'Next time, hopeless romantic Matt plans a nostalgic wedding...'

She must trust me if she let's me do this, eh?

'..for his Valley VIP girl Rhian.'

I deserve it, man! Give it to me!

'But will Matt's gamble on a week-long stag...'

We're expecting possibly a divorce.

-'..and a Welsh wedding outdoors...'

-Should have sorted this out earlier.

'..be a total washout?'

Oh, my goodness! Is the burger a clue?

-Just think it's Matt's head you're knocking.

-Too late now to back out, isn't it?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

# Moon River

# Wider than a mile

# I'm crossing you in style someday

# Dream maker... #

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