Shrek the Halls

There, that's better.

BABY CHUCKLES

All clean.

HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

# He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... #

What are you doing here, Donkey? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Santa Claus! There's only 159 days till Christmas

-so you'd better be good!

-Be good?!

How about this - you'd better be scarce. Now, go on!

I don't care about Christmas.

-# Jingle bells, jingle bells... #

-AAAGH!

-DONKEY!

-Only 51 days till Christmas.

Get your butt in gear and get your marshmallows,

cos without them, sweet potatoes are nothing!

Enough! I don't care about any of this nonsense. Now, shoo!

OK, but don't say I didn't say, "I told you so!"

# Dashing through the snow Laughing all the way... #

-It's here! Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! Got everything ready?

-No.

-Trimmed your stockings, hung your chestnuts, roasted the tree?

-No!

-Figgyfied the pudding?

Donkey! Will you get it through your thick head?

-No-one here gives a hoot about Christmas!

-DOOR OPENS

A white Christmas! Oh, how perfect!

And it's our first one together as a family.

-Isn't this exciting?

-Uh...oh, yeah! How about that?

-Ahem! Princess?

-I think there's something Shrek needs to...

-Don't ruin the surprise!

Surprise? Oh, I love surprises! You're the best.

DOOR SHUTS OK. You're a dead man, you know that?

Umm...hold that thought, I'll be right back.

Oh, good! You're still open.

No, no, we're closing now.

-Merry Christmas!

-Wait! I need your help.

I have to make a Christmas, and I have no idea what it is, or how to do it.

Why didn't you say so? That's super!

I know all about it and I have just the book for you.

Christmas For Village Idiots.

It's all spelled out, see? Step one, decorate the house. Step two, stockings.

Step three, the Christmas feast. Mmmmm!

-What's that?

-That's the Christmas tree!

The tree goes INSIDE the house?

Anyway. Step five, the telling of the Christmas story.

This step says, "I've created the perfect Christmas

"for my perfect family, perfectly!" See? Family by the fire, all cosy and warm.

-Voila!

-Umm...sure.

-Look, long story short,

-it's all right here. It's no problem!

-Oh, perfect.

-I mean, how hard can it be?

GENERAL COMMOTION I didn't get the egg nog!

-We're closed!

-Have a Dwight the Knight action figure!

-Marshmallows! Sweet potatoes are nothing without them!

-Bye-bye!

-Have a super Christmas!

-HE GROANS

-MUFFLED THUMPING

-What? Oh...

-Honey, is that you?

-Aaagh!

Oh! Fiona, what are you doing up so early?

-Are you OK?

-I'm all right.

-What are you...

-I...

Are you decorating?!

Err, yeah, that! Surprised?

-Yes!

-Well, this is our first Christmas together as a family

and, you know, I just wanna make sure it's...perfect.

-Shrek, I think it's beautiful.

-It's passable...

-It's horrible!

-Donkey!

Usually, they just toilet paper it and run away!

Get rid of this junk and get tinsel, doilies, ribbons, maybe plastic reindeer...

What exactly is it you wanted today?

It's Christmas Eve! I brought you a little something.

Take a couple,

I bought plenty for everybody.

Oh, isn't that...nice?

Well, thanks for stopping by for the BRIEF VISIT!

But, as you can see, there's a lot of work to do.

Just like him to wait till the last minute. Don't worry, I know all about Christmas.

Shrek's gonna want my help and my advice, and...

Actually, I think what he really wants is a nice FAMILY Christmas.

-Oh, a family Christmas!

-Yeah, it's the first one with the kids.

Don't say another word, I know exactly what you mean! I'd better get moving.

Thank you, Donkey. And Merry Christmas!

All right, Merry Christmas! # Love and joy come to you... #

Donkey's right. It's Christmas Eve. How will I get this done in time?

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever. We're gonna do it together! So come on.

MUSIC: "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses

SHE BURPS

Everything looks so good! Nice job, honey.

Well, we all did it together. And now...

What would a perfect Christmas be without a Christmas story?

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

-not a creature was stirring...

-DOOR CRASHES OPEN

-What?!

-Merry Christmas, Shrek!

-Oh, not you!

-We're here to smother you in Christmas love!

Absolutely not! Bad donkey! Go home!

Now, you are you gonna have Christmas without your family?

-Happy holidays!

-Merry Christmas!

-What a nice surprise!

Oh, yeah...oof!

OK...I will assume the position...

- I am the joy-filled swine! - Yay for the season of love!

Oh, man! You can't be hanging your dirty laundry up here!

Donkey, don't touch anything!

How we gonna roast chestnuts on this little bitty fire? Hey, baby!

That was our supper!

Oww! Hey!

Did you hurt yourself when you fell out of heaven?

-Where are we going to put it?

-Where do you want to put it?

-Here!

-CRASH

-That was not with the Feng Shui!

Come on, let's dance!

LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Occupied!

-It's me.

-Shrek?

-Yes?

-Come back to the party. Please?

-I don't think that'd be such a good idea.

-Come on.

It's not that bad!

OK, I know you're not a party person, but...

But what? This is not the kind of Christmas I had in mind.

They're our friends, Shrek.

-They all mean well...

-GLASS SMASHES

-How many babies did Fiona have?

-She has babies? I don't know!

-I'd better get back to the house!

-Surprised we still have one!

Are you coming?

-Oh, I can hardly wait.

-Oh, finally!

LOUD THUMPING

Ja, look at him go!

-Excuse me!

-Excuse you for what?

I don't feel very good...

Ah, I feel better now!

Ooh, a chocolate chip! Mmmm.

Sweetheart?

Mind if I cut in?

# Don't stop believin'... #

I am a little Christmas angel!

Hey there, my sweeties.

-HICCUP!

-Aww.

Would you like Daddy to finish the story for you?

Yeah? The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

-while visions of sugar plums...

-Are you telling them The Night Before Christmas?

-That's the best Christmas story ever! And I'm the best teller ever!

-Donkey...Donkey?

DONKEY! Wait...

I'm supposed to tell the Christmas story.

'Twas the night before Christmas. I'd spent all the day

finishing up on my Christmas display.

Missing all this would be nothing but tragic,

so, just follow me and I'll show you the magic!

Out in the yard, in a glorious clutter,

is a spectacle there that'll make your heart flutter.

20-foot cheese balls and a big egg nog fountain

and yodelling elves on an ambrosia mountain.

A stage where acrobats jump, leap and prance,

and honour the day through interpretive dance.

Just when you think the display is complete

the Christmas parade comes right down the street.

With holiday floats all in silver and blue,

with sugar plum fairies and a reindeer or two.

There's baton-twirling snowmen, all happy and perky,

magical peacocks and a dancing roast turkey.

# Everybody dance now... #

Right when you think you've just seen it all,

comes a huge waffle Santa that's 50 feet tall!

HO-HO-HO!

With syrup and butter, the sight just amazes,

and he's flanked by a choir, all singing his praises.

# Wa-a-ffle Santa! Wa-a-ffle Santa!

# Waffle Santa! Waffle Santa... #

-Donkey!

-Santa?

-Donkey!

-Santa!

-DONKEY!

-Oh...

Very inappropriate, amigo. Please, allow me.

Oh, puss, not you too!

My homeland will tell a very different tale of the Santa Nicolas.

He's not made of waffles!

Listen, it was nothing like that. Santa, you know,

was a hot, Latin cat...

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his paws

and he stood there, heroic, a real Santa...CLAWS.

Red are his boots and so is his cape.

Ole!

His sword is a cane that tastes like crab cake.

He wears a fine belt and a leather cravat,

and there's a cute, fuzzy thing which hangs down from his hat...

Purrrrr!

I have shamed myself.

All right. If you leave now, you can beat the holiday traffic!

Awww, phooey with all your sunshine and lollipops!

Where I come from, Christmas is a nightmare!

-SHREK SIGHS

-Ahem!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and the prettiest sights

were my sweetheart beside me, and the bright Christmas lights.

...and they looked at the car door handle, and they found...

A HOOK!

-Aaaaagh!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Gingey, cut it out. You're giving me the creeps!

Oh, come on, I was just teasing!

-Come here, you.

-Oh, Gingey.

I couldn't stay mad at you! THUMP

-What was that?

-Oh, no you don't. I'm not falling for that again!

No, I'm really, seriously, not kidding!

-Aaaaagh!

-Gingey!

ROAAAAAAR!

No-o-o-o!

ROAAAAAAR!

NO! SUSIE-E-E-E!

-CRUNCH!

-NO! NO! NO-O-O-O!

-That's ridiculous! You know that's not how it goes!

-You weren't there!

All right, everyone, I've had just about enough!

All I wanted was a nice Christmas with MY FAMILY.

Exactly why we're all here! Come on, let's finish telling my story!

Oh, no, Donkey, that's not what I meant. And get out of my chair!

-Hey, what's this?

-Donkey, let go of the book!

-Why are you whispering?

-I'm not kidding, Donkey. Give me the book!

-Heimlich!

-Ja?

-No, HEIMLICH!

-Oh, ja!

Oww! My eye!

Aaaagh!

Drop and roll, Shrek!

- Somebody get some water! - I got it! I got it! - Don't worry, it's under control!

Oh, boy.

STEAM WHISTLING

Ooh! Ze tea is ready!

Out! I want everybody out of my house!

Right now!

Aaaaaah! OWW!

Well, that's a real nice way to treat your guests on Christmas!

And if you think I'm gonna give you a present now,

-you are sadly mistaken!

-You wanna give me a present? Then go away!

-That's all I wanted.

-Fine, I'm going!

-Good, then go!

You go and have yourself a merry Christmas!

-Ebenezer Shrek!

-And a "bah, humbug" to you, too!

-We could come to our house.

-Ja, we have plenty of schnitzel!

Now, maybe we can...

Fiona? Where are you going?

Shrek, you just kicked everybody out on Christmas!

That wasn't Christmas, that was chaos!

Look, I know it didn't go like you wanted...

What I wanted was a perfect Christmas for me and my family.

-That WAS our family.

-You call that a family? That was a natural disaster!

On Christmas, that's how it works.

Yes, it was crowded. Yes, it got a little out of hand...

Fiona, they lit me on fire!

-Shrek...

-I had everything under control, until they showed up

and ruined my Christmas.

YOUR Christmas?

I mean, OUR Christmas. For you and the babies.

Christmas is not just about you or me.

Or even the babies.

You just don't get it.

I have to go. I need to apologise to our friends.

Fiona, wait!

MUSIC: "The Stars Shine In The Sky Tonight" by Eels

# December is a lonely month

# In a year of lonely days

# It's hard to tell which way is up

# Or down or out

# Or through the haze

# It's not where you're coming from

# It's where you're going to... #

I don't understand why Shrek had to be so mean and cranky. We were just trying to do what you wanted.

-What are you talking about?

-What you said this morning. You wanted to have a big, noisy, family Christmas.

-No, I said it was our first Christmas together as a family.

-Right, that's me and everyone else!

-Then, he gotta go lose his temper like that!

-You know, none of us really asked him what HE wanted.

Well, I must agree with the Princess. And YOU were no Christmas angel!

-I don't remember asking YOU anything!

-Donkey...

-I'm sorry, Princess, you're right. Even still, Shrek didn't have to be so...

-What?

-Aaaagh!

-Pig-headed? Stubborn? Mean?

Well, maybe I am all those things. But I'm an ogre, OK?

So, here's the thing.

-CLEARS HIS THROAT

-I'm sorry you took getting kicked out of my house the wrong way.

No, wait. What I meant to say is...

I know you're all just trying to be helpful, in your own irritating fashion...

Ay, caramba!

Uh...some people can't help being annoying.

Shrek...

Look, I shouldn't have lost my temper back there.

Apology accepted, let's go eat.

Hey, wait a minute. There's something more to this. What's going on?

Look, all I wanted was to make this perfect for my family.

But I don't even know what Christmas means!

The thing is, this is my first Christmas, too.

-Whoah! Hold up, Shrek! You mean to tell me you never had...

-No.

-Not even once?

-No!

No chestnuts, no Santa, no presents, no stockings? No nut cakes?

DONKEY! No, none of that.

Ogres don't celebrate Christmas.

Ogres don't celebrate anything.

Awww, man. Now I'm all emotional! Come here, Shrek, give me a hug.

-All right, that's close enough.

-OK, all right. I guess I get a little bit excited

about Christmas, and all the presents and mistletoe and everything.

I forget that it's about us all being together. I'm sorry, Shrek.

I know, Donkey. And I'm sorry it ended up in a great big fight.

Oh, Christmas is all about big fights! My momma used to say,

"Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries." Usually, it's me!

But there is no right way to do Christmas, you just do it.

Ja, mit schnitzel!

- And egg nog! - And cheese!

And family.

Yeah. And family.

So, despite the fact that you drive me crazy at times...

...yes, Donkey, I'm looking at you...

it would mean a lot to me if you would all come back and join us.

OK, I guess I deserved that.

Don't push your luck!

Ha-ha-ha! They got you good!

Hey, who did that?!

Well, that's the last of the spare blankets.

Sorry, this is my spot.

I never get the good spot,

so I specifically...owww!

So...ve are pigs. Pigs in ze blanket, ja?

-Ja!

-Ja!

-So...zis is funny, ja?

-Ja, ja!

-Zis is funny, ja!

-Yup, zat's a good one!

Goodnight, everyone. It's time for lights out.

Lights out?! We can't go to sleep, we haven't heard a bedtime story! Right?

Shrek, yeah!

THEY ALL SHOUT

All right, all right.

Don't need this. OK.

'Twas the night before Christmas, not a swamp-rat did creep,

as mother and babe played kazoo in their sleep.

FARTING NOISES

Now, the sight of the house would make any ogre droop,

for 'twas sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop.

Yet, who's a-riding to help this lost cause?

The foul, the vile...

and handsome, Ogre Claus!

Hey, how's it going?

He looked all around and scratched at his beard,

and said...

AND SAID...

This place is worse than I thought...er, feared!

So he grabbed up his belly and screwed up his face,

-and let loose a...

-BUUURRRRRP!

that transformed the place!

With a gleam in his eye, his work here was done,

and then to the babies he gave, one by one,

a festering bottle of stinky swamp juice.

-For mummy, a kiss and a good Christmas goose.

-Ooh!

425 degrees, 20 minutes per pound!

Then, digging a finger inside of his nose

and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

And I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

"Smelly Christmas to all, and to all a gross night!"

APPROACHING SLEIGHBELLS

Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho! Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!

Ho-Ho-Ho!

SANTA?! AAAAGH!

Subtitles by Andy Bonar Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]