Shrek the Halls


Shrek the Halls

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There, that's better.

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BABY CHUCKLES

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All clean.

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HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

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# He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... #

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What are you doing here, Donkey? What are you talking about?

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I'm talking about Santa Claus! There's only 159 days till Christmas

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-so you'd better be good!

-Be good?!

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How about this - you'd better be scarce. Now, go on!

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I don't care about Christmas.

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-# Jingle bells, jingle bells... #

-AAAGH!

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-DONKEY!

-Only 51 days till Christmas.

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Get your butt in gear and get your marshmallows,

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cos without them, sweet potatoes are nothing!

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Enough! I don't care about any of this nonsense. Now, shoo!

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OK, but don't say I didn't say, "I told you so!"

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# Dashing through the snow Laughing all the way... #

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-It's here! Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! Got everything ready?

-No.

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-Trimmed your stockings, hung your chestnuts, roasted the tree?

-No!

-Figgyfied the pudding?

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Donkey! Will you get it through your thick head?

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-No-one here gives a hoot about Christmas!

-DOOR OPENS

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A white Christmas! Oh, how perfect!

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And it's our first one together as a family.

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-Isn't this exciting?

-Uh...oh, yeah! How about that?

-Ahem! Princess?

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-I think there's something Shrek needs to...

-Don't ruin the surprise!

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Surprise? Oh, I love surprises! You're the best.

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DOOR SHUTS OK. You're a dead man, you know that?

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Umm...hold that thought, I'll be right back.

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Oh, good! You're still open.

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No, no, we're closing now.

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-Merry Christmas!

-Wait! I need your help.

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I have to make a Christmas, and I have no idea what it is, or how to do it.

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Why didn't you say so? That's super!

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I know all about it and I have just the book for you.

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Christmas For Village Idiots.

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It's all spelled out, see? Step one, decorate the house. Step two, stockings.

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Step three, the Christmas feast. Mmmmm!

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-What's that?

-That's the Christmas tree!

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The tree goes INSIDE the house?

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Anyway. Step five, the telling of the Christmas story.

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This step says, "I've created the perfect Christmas

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"for my perfect family, perfectly!" See? Family by the fire, all cosy and warm.

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-Voila!

-Umm...sure.

-Look, long story short,

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-it's all right here. It's no problem!

-Oh, perfect.

-I mean, how hard can it be?

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GENERAL COMMOTION I didn't get the egg nog!

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-We're closed!

-Have a Dwight the Knight action figure!

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-Marshmallows! Sweet potatoes are nothing without them!

-Bye-bye!

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-Have a super Christmas!

-HE GROANS

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-MUFFLED THUMPING

-What? Oh...

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-Honey, is that you?

-Aaagh!

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Oh! Fiona, what are you doing up so early?

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-Are you OK?

-I'm all right.

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-What are you...

-I...

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Are you decorating?!

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Err, yeah, that! Surprised?

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-Yes!

-Well, this is our first Christmas together as a family

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and, you know, I just wanna make sure it's...perfect.

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-Shrek, I think it's beautiful.

-It's passable...

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-It's horrible!

-Donkey!

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Usually, they just toilet paper it and run away!

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Get rid of this junk and get tinsel, doilies, ribbons, maybe plastic reindeer...

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What exactly is it you wanted today?

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It's Christmas Eve! I brought you a little something.

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Take a couple,

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I bought plenty for everybody.

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Oh, isn't that...nice?

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Well, thanks for stopping by for the BRIEF VISIT!

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But, as you can see, there's a lot of work to do.

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Just like him to wait till the last minute. Don't worry, I know all about Christmas.

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Shrek's gonna want my help and my advice, and...

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Actually, I think what he really wants is a nice FAMILY Christmas.

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-Oh, a family Christmas!

-Yeah, it's the first one with the kids.

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Don't say another word, I know exactly what you mean! I'd better get moving.

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Thank you, Donkey. And Merry Christmas!

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All right, Merry Christmas! # Love and joy come to you... #

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Donkey's right. It's Christmas Eve. How will I get this done in time?

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This is gonna be the best Christmas ever. We're gonna do it together! So come on.

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MUSIC: "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses

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SHE BURPS

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Everything looks so good! Nice job, honey.

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Well, we all did it together. And now...

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What would a perfect Christmas be without a Christmas story?

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'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

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-not a creature was stirring...

-DOOR CRASHES OPEN

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-What?!

-Merry Christmas, Shrek!

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-Oh, not you!

-We're here to smother you in Christmas love!

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Absolutely not! Bad donkey! Go home!

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Now, you are you gonna have Christmas without your family?

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-Happy holidays!

-Merry Christmas!

-What a nice surprise!

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Oh, yeah...oof!

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OK...I will assume the position...

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- I am the joy-filled swine! - Yay for the season of love!

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Oh, man! You can't be hanging your dirty laundry up here!

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Donkey, don't touch anything!

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How we gonna roast chestnuts on this little bitty fire? Hey, baby!

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That was our supper!

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Oww! Hey!

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Did you hurt yourself when you fell out of heaven?

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-Where are we going to put it?

-Where do you want to put it?

-Here!

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-CRASH

-That was not with the Feng Shui!

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Come on, let's dance!

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LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

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-Occupied!

-It's me.

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-Shrek?

-Yes?

-Come back to the party. Please?

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-I don't think that'd be such a good idea.

-Come on.

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It's not that bad!

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OK, I know you're not a party person, but...

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But what? This is not the kind of Christmas I had in mind.

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They're our friends, Shrek.

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-They all mean well...

-GLASS SMASHES

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-How many babies did Fiona have?

-She has babies? I don't know!

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-I'd better get back to the house!

-Surprised we still have one!

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Are you coming?

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-Oh, I can hardly wait.

-Oh, finally!

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LOUD THUMPING

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Ja, look at him go!

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-Excuse me!

-Excuse you for what?

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I don't feel very good...

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Ah, I feel better now!

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Ooh, a chocolate chip! Mmmm.

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Sweetheart?

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Mind if I cut in?

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# Don't stop believin'... #

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I am a little Christmas angel!

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Hey there, my sweeties.

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-HICCUP!

-Aww.

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Would you like Daddy to finish the story for you?

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Yeah? The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

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-while visions of sugar plums...

-Are you telling them The Night Before Christmas?

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-That's the best Christmas story ever! And I'm the best teller ever!

-Donkey...Donkey?

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DONKEY! Wait...

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I'm supposed to tell the Christmas story.

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'Twas the night before Christmas. I'd spent all the day

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finishing up on my Christmas display.

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Missing all this would be nothing but tragic,

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so, just follow me and I'll show you the magic!

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Out in the yard, in a glorious clutter,

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is a spectacle there that'll make your heart flutter.

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20-foot cheese balls and a big egg nog fountain

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and yodelling elves on an ambrosia mountain.

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A stage where acrobats jump, leap and prance,

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and honour the day through interpretive dance.

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Just when you think the display is complete

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the Christmas parade comes right down the street.

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With holiday floats all in silver and blue,

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with sugar plum fairies and a reindeer or two.

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There's baton-twirling snowmen, all happy and perky,

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magical peacocks and a dancing roast turkey.

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# Everybody dance now... #

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Right when you think you've just seen it all,

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comes a huge waffle Santa that's 50 feet tall!

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HO-HO-HO!

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With syrup and butter, the sight just amazes,

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and he's flanked by a choir, all singing his praises.

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# Wa-a-ffle Santa! Wa-a-ffle Santa!

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# Waffle Santa! Waffle Santa... #

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-Donkey!

-Santa?

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-Donkey!

-Santa!

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-DONKEY!

-Oh...

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Very inappropriate, amigo. Please, allow me.

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Oh, puss, not you too!

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My homeland will tell a very different tale of the Santa Nicolas.

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He's not made of waffles!

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Listen, it was nothing like that. Santa, you know,

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was a hot, Latin cat...

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He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his paws

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and he stood there, heroic, a real Santa...CLAWS.

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Red are his boots and so is his cape.

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Ole!

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His sword is a cane that tastes like crab cake.

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He wears a fine belt and a leather cravat,

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and there's a cute, fuzzy thing which hangs down from his hat...

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Purrrrr!

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I have shamed myself.

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All right. If you leave now, you can beat the holiday traffic!

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Awww, phooey with all your sunshine and lollipops!

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Where I come from, Christmas is a nightmare!

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-SHREK SIGHS

-Ahem!

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'Twas the night before Christmas, and the prettiest sights

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were my sweetheart beside me, and the bright Christmas lights.

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...and they looked at the car door handle, and they found...

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A HOOK!

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-Aaaaagh!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Gingey, cut it out. You're giving me the creeps!

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Oh, come on, I was just teasing!

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-Come here, you.

-Oh, Gingey.

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I couldn't stay mad at you! THUMP

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-What was that?

-Oh, no you don't. I'm not falling for that again!

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No, I'm really, seriously, not kidding!

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-Aaaaagh!

-Gingey!

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ROAAAAAAR!

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No-o-o-o!

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ROAAAAAAR!

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NO! SUSIE-E-E-E!

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-CRUNCH!

-NO! NO! NO-O-O-O!

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-That's ridiculous! You know that's not how it goes!

-You weren't there!

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All right, everyone, I've had just about enough!

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All I wanted was a nice Christmas with MY FAMILY.

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Exactly why we're all here! Come on, let's finish telling my story!

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Oh, no, Donkey, that's not what I meant. And get out of my chair!

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-Hey, what's this?

-Donkey, let go of the book!

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-Why are you whispering?

-I'm not kidding, Donkey. Give me the book!

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-Heimlich!

-Ja?

-No, HEIMLICH!

-Oh, ja!

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Oww! My eye!

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Aaaagh!

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Drop and roll, Shrek!

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- Somebody get some water! - I got it! I got it! - Don't worry, it's under control!

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Oh, boy.

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STEAM WHISTLING

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Ooh! Ze tea is ready!

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Out! I want everybody out of my house!

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Right now!

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Aaaaaah! OWW!

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Well, that's a real nice way to treat your guests on Christmas!

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And if you think I'm gonna give you a present now,

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-you are sadly mistaken!

-You wanna give me a present? Then go away!

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-That's all I wanted.

-Fine, I'm going!

-Good, then go!

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You go and have yourself a merry Christmas!

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-Ebenezer Shrek!

-And a "bah, humbug" to you, too!

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-We could come to our house.

-Ja, we have plenty of schnitzel!

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Now, maybe we can...

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Fiona? Where are you going?

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Shrek, you just kicked everybody out on Christmas!

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That wasn't Christmas, that was chaos!

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Look, I know it didn't go like you wanted...

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What I wanted was a perfect Christmas for me and my family.

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-That WAS our family.

-You call that a family? That was a natural disaster!

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On Christmas, that's how it works.

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Yes, it was crowded. Yes, it got a little out of hand...

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Fiona, they lit me on fire!

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-Shrek...

-I had everything under control, until they showed up

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and ruined my Christmas.

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YOUR Christmas?

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I mean, OUR Christmas. For you and the babies.

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Christmas is not just about you or me.

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Or even the babies.

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You just don't get it.

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I have to go. I need to apologise to our friends.

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Fiona, wait!

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MUSIC: "The Stars Shine In The Sky Tonight" by Eels

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# December is a lonely month

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# In a year of lonely days

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# It's hard to tell which way is up

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# Or down or out

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# Or through the haze

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# It's not where you're coming from

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# It's where you're going to... #

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I don't understand why Shrek had to be so mean and cranky. We were just trying to do what you wanted.

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-What are you talking about?

-What you said this morning. You wanted to have a big, noisy, family Christmas.

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-No, I said it was our first Christmas together as a family.

-Right, that's me and everyone else!

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-Then, he gotta go lose his temper like that!

-You know, none of us really asked him what HE wanted.

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Well, I must agree with the Princess. And YOU were no Christmas angel!

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-I don't remember asking YOU anything!

-Donkey...

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-I'm sorry, Princess, you're right. Even still, Shrek didn't have to be so...

-What?

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-Aaaagh!

-Pig-headed? Stubborn? Mean?

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Well, maybe I am all those things. But I'm an ogre, OK?

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So, here's the thing.

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-CLEARS HIS THROAT

-I'm sorry you took getting kicked out of my house the wrong way.

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No, wait. What I meant to say is...

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I know you're all just trying to be helpful, in your own irritating fashion...

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Ay, caramba!

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Uh...some people can't help being annoying.

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Shrek...

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Look, I shouldn't have lost my temper back there.

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Apology accepted, let's go eat.

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Hey, wait a minute. There's something more to this. What's going on?

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Look, all I wanted was to make this perfect for my family.

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But I don't even know what Christmas means!

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The thing is, this is my first Christmas, too.

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-Whoah! Hold up, Shrek! You mean to tell me you never had...

-No.

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-Not even once?

-No!

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No chestnuts, no Santa, no presents, no stockings? No nut cakes?

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DONKEY! No, none of that.

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Ogres don't celebrate Christmas.

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Ogres don't celebrate anything.

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Awww, man. Now I'm all emotional! Come here, Shrek, give me a hug.

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-All right, that's close enough.

-OK, all right. I guess I get a little bit excited

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about Christmas, and all the presents and mistletoe and everything.

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I forget that it's about us all being together. I'm sorry, Shrek.

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I know, Donkey. And I'm sorry it ended up in a great big fight.

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Oh, Christmas is all about big fights! My momma used to say,

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"Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries." Usually, it's me!

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But there is no right way to do Christmas, you just do it.

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Ja, mit schnitzel!

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- And egg nog! - And cheese!

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And family.

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Yeah. And family.

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So, despite the fact that you drive me crazy at times...

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...yes, Donkey, I'm looking at you...

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it would mean a lot to me if you would all come back and join us.

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OK, I guess I deserved that.

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Don't push your luck!

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Ha-ha-ha! They got you good!

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Hey, who did that?!

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Well, that's the last of the spare blankets.

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Sorry, this is my spot.

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I never get the good spot,

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so I specifically...owww!

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So...ve are pigs. Pigs in ze blanket, ja?

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-Ja!

-Ja!

-So...zis is funny, ja?

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-Ja, ja!

-Zis is funny, ja!

-Yup, zat's a good one!

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Goodnight, everyone. It's time for lights out.

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Lights out?! We can't go to sleep, we haven't heard a bedtime story! Right?

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Shrek, yeah!

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THEY ALL SHOUT

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All right, all right.

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Don't need this. OK.

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'Twas the night before Christmas, not a swamp-rat did creep,

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as mother and babe played kazoo in their sleep.

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FARTING NOISES

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Now, the sight of the house would make any ogre droop,

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for 'twas sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop.

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Yet, who's a-riding to help this lost cause?

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The foul, the vile...

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and handsome, Ogre Claus!

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Hey, how's it going?

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He looked all around and scratched at his beard,

0:19:110:19:13

and said...

0:19:130:19:15

AND SAID...

0:19:150:19:17

This place is worse than I thought...er, feared!

0:19:170:19:21

So he grabbed up his belly and screwed up his face,

0:19:210:19:24

-and let loose a...

-BUUURRRRRP!

0:19:240:19:26

that transformed the place!

0:19:280:19:30

With a gleam in his eye, his work here was done,

0:19:300:19:32

and then to the babies he gave, one by one,

0:19:320:19:36

a festering bottle of stinky swamp juice.

0:19:360:19:39

-For mummy, a kiss and a good Christmas goose.

-Ooh!

0:19:390:19:42

425 degrees, 20 minutes per pound!

0:19:420:19:45

Then, digging a finger inside of his nose

0:19:460:19:48

and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

0:19:480:19:52

And I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

0:19:520:19:56

"Smelly Christmas to all, and to all a gross night!"

0:19:560:20:02

APPROACHING SLEIGHBELLS

0:20:020:20:03

Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho! Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!

0:20:030:20:08

Ho-Ho-Ho!

0:20:080:20:10

SANTA?! AAAAGH!

0:20:100:20:12

Subtitles by Andy Bonar Red Bee Media Ltd

0:20:280:20:31

E-mail [email protected]

0:20:310:20:34

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