Harry Hill in Professor Branestawm Returns Professor Branestawm

THUNDER RUMBLES

LIGHTNING CRASHES

I am not long for this world, vicar.

I shall shortly be passing over to the other side.

Now, I wonder what Heaven will be like?

Well, I should imagine it'll be jolly nice.

No.

Before I go, I would like to settle my affairs.

Of course, Lady Pagwell.

I would like to leave the sum

of £127,

13 shillings and sixpence to...

...the Pagwell Cats' Home.

One more thing.

I would like to leave the sum of £94,

five shillings and sixpence

to the Pagwell Volunteer Lifeboat Service.

But Pagwell doesn't have a lifeboat service, your ladyship.

We're 50 miles from the sea.

Leave it to the owl sanctuary then.

But Pagwell doesn't have an owl... Never mind.

Will that be all?

I do-o-o-o...

No-o-o-o...

And another thing.

My dear, late husband...

..what was his name again?

Norman.

Norbert made his fortune by inventing the McGuffin Valve,

which revolutionised

the sherbet mining industry.

I would like to honour his memory

-by setting up the Nigel McGuffin...

-Norman?

..Norbert McGuffin bequest, of £1,854

and a thrupenny bit

to fund research into inventing-ing-ing-ing-ing-ing...

SHE GASPS FOR BREATH ..things here in Pagwell.

Ah!

EERIE MUSIC

I'm not dead yet!

HAMMERING AND CLANKING

Oh, that man.

He'd be late for his own funeral.

Professor Branestawm, sir. If we don't leave now...

-BOOM!

-Argh!

-Ow!

Ha-ha! Oof!

Oh, my!

Oh, dear.

Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop.

Whatever are you doing? Oh!

I've been working on a new invention,

but I must've touched a live wire to the thingamajig,

-which resulted in a whatchamacallit.

-Oh, this is no time to be inventing.

We should've been at Connie's ages ago, if not sooner.

But when it comes to inventing, Mrs Flittersnoop,

you must strike while the iron's hot.

IRON HISSES Ow!

But if we don't leave now we shall miss the whole thing.

Yes, yes, yes, but this is important.

What can be more important than Connie's grand opening?

Bills, Mrs Flittersnoop, bills.

I'm drowning in them. Gas, electric,

water rates, the hardware shop,

the chemist, the Society for Studying Plums of an Unusual Shape.

What do they want?

They want my annual subscription. I can't afford to pay it.

I can't afford to pay any of them,

which is why I am working on this new invention.

Oh, what does it do?

-It's a machine for making bills smaller.

-Ooh.

Yes, I use the pincers for preparation for picking peas,

part of a pump for pickling pears

and a piece of a prototype for paring pickles.

Well, that's a bit of a tongue twister.

Yes, you're quite right.

That certainly is a bit of a tongue twister.

You simply attach it to your tongue

and it twists it, and it twists it...

Ooh, that does look nasty, Professor.

-Ooh.

-We really don't have time

to be messing about with tongue twisters, Professor, we'll be late.

-Late?

-For Connie's big event.

Ah, yes, yes, of course. You mustn't be late for that.

I've got to read this speech out.

"Ladles and jelly-beans..."

That can't be right.

Have you seen my glasses, Mrs Flittersnoop?

Yes, many times. They're roundish and sort of see-through.

No, I mean have you seen them today?

Why? Is there something special about them?

Have you invented a new pair

of, I don't know, special electric glasses?

No, no, not at all.

Electric glasses, you say?

-I must make a note of that.

-Oh.

Electrified glasses.

Please, Professor, we really must leave!

Let's just try my new machine out on the bills first.

Oh!

# It's a hap-hap-happy day

# Toodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-lay

# For you and me, for us and we

# All the clouds have rolled away. #

He'll be here, Connie. Don't you worry.

He wouldn't miss this.

Oh, you can rely on Professor Branestawm.

Well, you can't, actually. Most forgetful man I ever met.

Do you know, once, he completely forgot where his house was?

He lived in a tree for three weeks.

MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

So, a party on a Sunday.

I shall need to do something about this.

That's it! Hold it still, Mrs Flittersnoop.

You're hopping around like a flamenco dancer who needs the loo.

We have to go, Professor.

It won't take half a jiffy,

I turn the dial this way to make the bills smaller

and this way to make cheques bigger. Rather clever, don't you think?

Now, which bill have you got there?

Gas. £7 and six shillings.

We'll see about that.

Oh!

It worked! A triumph!

The bill is considerably smaller.

But it still says £7 and six shillings.

What?

Yes, I'm not sure I've thought this through properly.

That's what comes of inventing things in a hurry.

I'd better return it to its correct size and start again.

Oh!

Oh, yeah, the settings are rather sensitive.

I may have dialled it round too far. If I just...

Oh, no! Stop it, stop it, stop it! We haven't time for this.

I'm going to turn this infernal machine of yours off.

That's not the off switch, Mrs Flittersnoop!

Oh, mercy me, whatever have I done?

You've turned it up to maximum power!

-Oh!

-Anything might happen.

-Oh!

-And it just has!

Oh!

Now what are we going do?

Get this thing off me!

Oh!

Stop! Stop!

Hands up! Get away! Not today, thank you.

THE BILL GROWLS

Great care boxes!

Oh! What shall we do now?

Run, Mrs Flittersnoop, like old boots. Like cats on hot bricks.

-Like everything that is rapid and frantic, run!

-Argh!

THE BILLS SQUEAK AND CHATTER

Now, as the Professor has obviously been held up,

perhaps I should say a few words.

I gave a speech the other day

at a regimental dinner for the Catapult Cavaliers.

I had it all down on, er, assorted cards, you see?

Jokes and the like. I have some with me.

She was only a sergeant major's daughter...

-GUESTS BEGIN TO MUTTER

-Ah, no, not appropriate.

War is a marvellous thing...

No, it's not.

That won't do at all, will it? Ha.

Science is a marvellous thing,

a simply marvellous thing.

If only I knew something about it.

I'm fed up of this. Where is he? Where's the Professor?

Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

I'm going to go and find him.

Tell him what a flake he is for missing my party.

Oh, Connie, love.

"Flake"?

THE BILLS CHATTER AND LAUGH

Tut-tut, attacked by a mob of angry bills.

Hello!

You see, Connie, I told you there'd be a perfectly simple explanation.

Ah! Colonel Dedshott, a timely arrival.

Have you forgotten where you live again, Professor?

What? No!

We're trying to protect ourselves from some wild waste paper.

ELECTRICITY BILL CACKLES

I never can understand a word you say.

Makes my head go round and round, scientific jargon and all that.

It's not scientific jargon. Look!

Ah! Rustlers!

Let me at 'em!

Huzzah!

Waste paper must know its place.

Soon we'll have old envelopes running for parliament

and crumpled-up balls of paper...

Argh!

..marrying our women folk!

-Get back. Ah!

-BILL:

-Huh?

-Take that!

-GAS BILL GROWLS

How dare you, sir?

Tut-tut, as before.

GAS BILL GROWLS

Ah, Connie.

I'm sorry, I got a tiny bit delayed.

Never mind that.

Have you got any matches?

That sorted that lot out.

-Yes.

-Well done, Connie.

-Good riddance, I say, to bad bills.

-Ohh!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE HOUSE

Branestawm! I might've known you were behind this.

Why, it's Mr Hobgoblin, come to join the party.

It's Haggerstone.

Well, that's one way of pronouncing it, I suppose.

It is totally unacceptable to have a party on a Sunday.

There are antisocial levels of noise and I'm willing to bet

you haven't got a licence for playing that music.

-Are you coming in or...?

-No, I'm not! I was just saying...

Suit yourself.

Laddies and guttersnipes...

Hm? That can't be right.

Ah, that's better.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is a great honour for me to be opening Connie's very own laboratory.

I'm sure many excellent and extraordinary inventions

will come out of it.

FANFARE PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Oh, what a glorious thing to be

# A healthy grown-up busy busy bee

# Whiling away the passing hours

# Pinching all the pollen from the cauliflowers. #

Branestawm.

It's always Branestawm,

encouraging the spread of dangerous, unlicensed inventing

here in Pagwell.

If only there was some way I could get rid of him once and for all.

Did you know that Connie has been selling

some of his inventions around town?

Yes, I bought a pair of socks that are held up by magnets.

They're rather good.

Mm.

Technically, Professor Branestawm is running a business from his premises

and should be paying business rates.

If we backdated them to when he built his inventory...

I see where you're going with this.

Exactly how much would he owe the council?

£1,854 and thruppence?

But that's £1,854 more than I have in the bank.

Well, never mind, we'll take the thruppence as down payment.

But if you don't come up with the other £1,854

by the end of the month,

we shall have to repossess your property.

Invent your way out of this one, Branestawm.

MECHANICAL BIRD: Ah! You make a lovely couple.

Right! Let's get on with it. What's up next, Miss Silt?

The vicar would like to say a few words about his latest cause.

Oh, would he now? I suppose we have to let him.

We do.

Go on, then, vicar, do your worst.

I'd like to alert you to the plight of the Lithuanian tiny stupid owl.

The what?

The Lithuanian tiny stupid owl.

Most owls, as you know, are wise,

but the Lithuanian tiny stupid owl,

as it's name suggests, is not wise at all

and is, therefore, on the verge of making itself extinct.

It has a habit of trying to make friends with vicious cats,

strolling blindfold across busy roads

and water-skiing, even though it can't swim.

I propose we build an owl sanctuary here in Pagwell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can't be diverting

much-needed council funds towards stupid owls, vicar.

We need more money for the giant statue of me that we're erecting

right in the middle of town.

Well, Lady Pagwell has left the sum of £94, five shillings

and sixpence towards it.

Well, that's not very much. It'll be a very small sanctuary.

It's a very small owl.

Good, well, that's settled then.

Er, thank you very much, vicar, and-and bravo to Lady Pagwell.

Bravo indeed.

A great lady and a great benefactor.

She'll be sorely missed here in Pagwell.

And so will Stanley, her otter.

Oh, actually, that leads me on to what I was going to discuss next.

There's more?

Yes.

Lady Pagwell has left some other items to the town in her will,

chief amongst which is a bequest.

A bequest? Ah, that's more like it.

Yes, the Norman McGuffin bequest of £1,854

and a thrupenny bit to fund research

into inventing things here in Pagwell.

That's the exact amount that Branestawm needs.

She can't do that, the interfering old witch!

STANLEY GROWLS

And as there's only one inventor here in Pagwell...

Hang on a minute there, vicar.

..we'd better give all the money to Professor Branestawm.

We need to discuss this.

There may well be other inventors here in Pagwell.

Such as who, Haggerstone?

I don't know, but we can't just give the money away.

In order for this bequest to be fair, Mr Mayor,

we should... w-we should hold a competition.

Yes, whoever can come up with the best invention will win the money.

Oh, an inventing competition?

That might be fun. Let's do it.

All in favour?

Come on, vicar, stick your hand up and I'll personally donate £3

towards your stupid owl sanctuary.

I'm still not sure who else is going to enter.

Professor Branestawm is the only inventor in Pagwell.

We'll see about that.

RADIO BROADCASTER: In foreign news, Squiglatania has declared war

on neighbouring South Crashbania.

Hundreds of tanks have crushed buildings and blown up bridges

and huge explosions have destroyed many towns along the border.

The death toll is expected to be enormous.

On a lighter note, the town of Pagwell has announced that

it is running an unusual competition, to find the best local inventor.

And finally...

Do you think we might do an item on this? It sounds rather fun.

Perhaps get a local inventor to give a radio talk?

I think I'll get onto it.

..bringing hailstones the size of cauliflowers

and heavy black clouds that look like angry pigs.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Oh!

Professor!

-Where?

-You.

-Me?

-Never mind.

-Oh.

Look at this.

The town council are holding an inventing competition.

The first prize is £1,854 and a thrupenny bit.

But that's exactly the amount I need to pay my bills.

If I can win the prize, I could save the house

and still have thruppence left over to buy some paperclips.

-All you have to do is invent something amazing.

-Right.

Like what?

I don't know. You're the proper inventor.

-Am I?

-Yes.

-What?

-You.

-Me?

-Professor.

-Where?

Oh, I'm sorry, Connie.

I've been all in a lather about my money problems lately.

They've been hanging over me like an anvil tied to a dumbbell

in a sack of potatoes.

A what?

That looks dangerous.

It is.

Listen, Connie, I hope you've forgiven me for the other day,

turning up late to your party.

I know you get distracted.

From now on I'm going to be a changed man, just you wait and see.

I'm not going to do anything to hurt you ever again.

Ah!

What is that?

It's a device for looking for unexpected beetles.

Or something.

I'm not sure that's going to win you the inventing prize.

What else have you got?

We've really got to knock the judges socks off.

Ah! Then I've just the thing.

-What do you think?

-What is it?

It's a machine for knocking people's socks off.

-Whoa!

-Oof!

Sorry.

Have you got anything else?

What about these?

Oh, don't touch those.

They emit a powerful electric shock.

-What are they?

-Electrified glasses.

An idea of Mrs Flittersnoop's.

-What do they do?

-I haven't quite worked that out yet.

They may be for de-pipping grapes

or for mending punctures on steam rollers.

Yeah.

We're going to have to work together.

But, between the two of us,

I'm sure we can come up with something amazing.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Let's shake on it.

Woo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

-Look out.

-What?

-Oh!

How did you know that was going to happen?

I have absolutely no idea.

That should do it.

So remind me, Miss Silt, who exactly have we got coming this evening?

The best inventors I could find.

Professor Michael Awfulshirt

from Loughborough Technical Institute,

Professor Mary Oxford, from Trinity College, Cambridge,

and Professor Algebrain from an unspecified European country.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be the first of them. Show them in, please, Miss Silt.

God leevening.

Hail and well met.

I'm Michael Awfulshirt.

Come in, come in, take a seat.

Nuts?

I beg your pardon?

Would you like some nuts?

No, thanking you.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello! I'm Mary Oxford from Cambridge.

I hate round things, most animals, jewellery

and anything that isn't divisible by three.

I have built a death ray powerful enough to blow up the planet.

Very pleased to meet you, Professor Oxford.

-Crackers?

-I beg your pardon?

Would you like some crackers?

Oh, thank you.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ah! Good evening.

Enchanting, enchanting.

Permit me to introduce myself.

I am Professor Algebrain from an unspecified European country.

Ze greatest inwentor in ze vorld.

Ah, and this must be Mr Hadderstrain.

Yes, that's right.

It's Haggerstone, actually.

Welcome. Fruitcake?

I beg your pardon?

Would you like a slice of fruitcake?

Maybe later. I had some bananas before I came out.

So, you need look no further for an inwentor.

I am renowned in all ze royal courts of Europe

and, for ze past ten years, have been ze personal inwentor

for General Firingsquad, ze ruler of Squigletania.

Isn't he a terrible dictator?

He is an excellent dictator.

He dictates like nobody's business.

It needs to be something really useful,

that everyone will want to have.

-What about a machine for polishing cannonballs?

-No.

A machine for peeling spuds?

That's quite good,

but it needs to be something that no-one's thought of before.

A machine for peeling cannonballs.

Something useful.

How about a machine that cooks a whole meal for you in five minutes?

Too boring by half.

What about a rubber car for easy parking?

Multistorey safari park?

Pay-as-you-go muesli?

Nonstick glue? Seedless walnuts?

A foot spa? Spotify?

-MECHANICAL BIRD SQUAWKS

-Argh!

MECHANICAL BIRD: Good afternoon. Your bill, madam.

Oh!

BILL GROWLS AND SNARLS

Platform shoes for when your village doesn't have a station.

Luminous curtains. When you close them, the room gets brighter.

Mechanical sausages.

How about a telephone that plays music and takes photographs?

Pfft, don't be ridiculous. Be serious, man.

SCREAM FROM OUTSIDE

Someone at the door.

BILL GROWLS

Shoo! Shoo!

Get away, you stupid thing.

MECHANICAL BIRD: Ah! Get back in your envelope, big boy.

So, what do you think?

Might you be interested in giving a talk on the radio, Professor?

Well, I've always wanted to share my knowledge with the wider public.

You don't have time, Professor.

You need to concentrate on your new invention.

Hush-hush, small child. This is grown-ups' business.

Yes, I could give a very interesting talk

about the home habits of the lesser little wart, whatever that is.

I'm sure it's something.

Um, Professor?

Where?

We were thinking your talk would be more general than that.

You know, something light and colourful,

about being an inventor here in Pagwell.

Yes, yes, by all means,

or "What is a solenoid?"

What is a solenoid?

Or I could talk about the habits of the common dung beetle.

I wonder, are there any other inventors here in Pagwell?

Well, that's the nibbles dispensed with.

Time to see your inventions.

-Who wants to go first?

-May I?

Please do.

ELECTRONIC HUMMING

Intriguing.

What is it?

It is a nuclear-powered paperweight.

AWFULSHIRT SNORTS

I see.

What does it do?

Well, it stops your papers from blowing away.

ALGEBRAIN SNORTS

I see.

Professor Awfulshirt, would you like to go next?

Indeed, I do-de-do-de-do-de-do-de-do.

I have invented a doobry that makes things invisible.

Well, that sounds more promising.

Are you able to demonstrate it?

By all means, by my greens.

I call it my invisibleiser.

Excellent.

So, make an adjustment.

Perhaps you could place an object on the table that I might invisibleise?

Perfection.

Righty-doody.

Now, all I need to do is press this button here.

ZAP!

Ah, I'm sorry. The beam must be off.

I appear to have invisibleised your paperweight.

It took me ten years to make that.

Don't worry, I'll get it back.

Like so.

ZAP!

Well, that wasn't supposed to happen.

I'll try again.

ZAP!

Whoa. Well, you know, things aren't going quite as well

as I thought they would,

so I'll just try one more minor adjustment then, hey, presto.

ZAP!

HE SIGHS

OK. Well, as all the other candidates seem to have disappeared,

looks like you've got the job, Professor Algebrain.

You have made ze right choice. I will start straight avay.

I will need a clean room, a vorkshop and an assistant.

-AWFULSHIRT:

-Er, I am still here.

MUSIC: Ride Of The Valkyries by Wagner

TRANQUIL MUSIC

-It's just, he makes me quite cross sometimes, Mum.

-Mm.

I mean, what I like about him is that he invents things

but that's all he ever thinks about.

I'm not sure he really cares about anyone else.

Well, he's...

He's different to other people, love.

He's a little...

CUCKOO!

He says he wants my help,

but he doesn't listen to any of my ideas.

He's a brilliant inventor,

but sometimes his inventions are,

well, a little bit...

CUCKOO!

Ah, Mrs Vistlestop.

Enchanting.

May I?

Oh, oh.

I am Professor Algebrain from an unspecified European country.

I gather you have a room to let?

Oh, why yes, I gather I do. That is to say I, I do, yes.

Um, how long would you be wanting to stay?

Ah, just long enough to inwent

the greatest inwention mankind has ever seen.

Shall we?

Oh, oh.

Right.

Ah! Is this your daughter?

Yes, that's my Connie. Yes.

Enchanting.

She is perfectly charming.

She's a real whizz at science, actually.

You two should get on like a house on fire.

She's even got her own little laboratory in the garden shed.

Oh, you must show me.

-Oh, ha-ha.

-This way.

Ah!

Zis is perfect.

You shall be my assistant, Connie.

Ve vill do great things together, great things.

Ve vill conquer ze vorld!

Well, I'm not sure.

I'm supposed to be helping Professor Branestawm.

Well, we'll sort that out.

So! Show me what you have been doing here. It looks marvellous.

-Well, this here is a pair of binoculars...

-A-ha.

..that not only lets you see things from far away,

you can also hear them and smell them.

A-ma-zing.

-May I try?

-Yeah, of course.

-Like zo?

-Yes.

Uh-huh.

Right, let us see.

Ha-ha! A fat policeman has just leaned over to tell off a small boy

and he made a little fart.

ALGEBRAIN STARTS TO GAG

Show me what else you have.

-I've been working on miniaturising things.

-Ah, bravo.

He's very clever and helpful. I'm not really sure what to do.

I know you really need to win this inventing prize

because you need the money or you'll lose your house.

I just wondered if it was all right if Professor Algebrain helped me out

for a bit, cos you never have time to come to my shed

and then I'd still have time to help you.

Can you pass me a screwdriver, Connie?

-You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?

-Yes, indeed. What?

I said, you haven't listened to a word I've said.

Peculiar.

-What?

-Peculiar. I listened to that word.

I distinctly heard it.

The others were a bit of a blur, to tell you the truth,

but you were talking very fast and I'm concentrating on my invention.

You just don't care about me, do you?

I'm rather busy at the moment.

Too busy to care?

How about I care at, say, five o'clock this afternoon?

Until then, I'll press on here

because I really do need to get this working. It's very important to me.

Don't bother to care about me at five o'clock or any other time

because I'm going to go and help someone who appreciates me

and isn't too busy to talk.

Ah! It's working, Connie.

Connie, your hat!

Connie?

I don't know how long he's going to stay,

but he's paid me a month in advance.

I might treat myself to a new hat.

I don't think you should've done it, Aggie.

I don't call it playing fair

to go taking in one of the enemy, so to speak.

But he's got very good manners and Connie seems to like him.

They're always inventing things together.

Well, that's as maybe and maybe not.

Ooh, I almost forgot.

I've got you a new recipe card.

I copied it down off of the wireless.

Beef stew with dumplings.

Oh they're useful as anything, old chap.

Yes, I used them at my speech for the regimental dinner.

What I did was I wrote down everything I wanted to say

on different cards. So, I'd have one card about cannonballs

or how to saw off a wounded limb

and the next would be a joke, do you follow me?

Right, yes, cannonballs, cards, jokes, yes.

But how does that affect me?

-Well, you're giving your speech on the radio tomorrow.

-Am I?

Yes, I am! Quite so. I must write that on the back of my hand

so I don't forget.

Oh.

I still can't decide whether to talk about the everyday life

of an inventor here in Pagwell,

the habits of the common dung beetle

or "What is a solenoid?"

What IS a solenoid?

But don't you see, Prof?

You can write all your different ideas down

on the backs of my cards

and then, on the day, you can choose what to speak about.

Capital idea, yes, and it'll avoid any confusion.

Ah! Professor Branestawm, I presume.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Professor Algebrain of an unspecified European country

und I am ze greatest inwentor in ze whole vorld.

Pleased to meet you, I'm sure. Oh.

I'm not going to give you an inkling as to vat it is I am inwenting.

Suffice to say, it will make you look like an amateur.

A hopeless buffoon.

Disgraceful.

Above that sort of thing, what?

Fella ought to be... Huh? what do you say, Branestawm?

"She was only the greengrocer's daughter, but..."

Oh!

You vill be banished from Pagvell like a bad stink, Branestawm.

You vill crawl avay viz your tail between your legs

and whenever ze name of Branestawm is mentioned,

people vill laugh and make expressions like zo...

und zo...

und zo!

Your name will be carved in ze Hall Of Infamy.

Toast?

Good day.

Ha!

You can't let him talk to you like that, by jove.

-Can't I?

-No!

Why not? What did he say? I wasn't really listening?

-He said you were a stinker with an inkling!

-Really?

I'm afraid so and there's a carving of you in a museum somewhere

with a tail between your legs and when people look at it

they make faces like...

..and...

..and.

Good lord.

What a world we live in.

Is this the prototype for your new invention?

At present, it is only a vorking model, Mr Addistein.

Haggerstone.

I must say I'm very excited.

So, what is it?

It is a new kind of carawan.

This carawan is entirely self powered,

thus dispensing wiz ze need for a car to tow it.

-Clever.

-Inside, it is wery spacious, sleeps up to four peoples

and, at night, ze ceiling will slowly descend

until zey are quite crushed to death.

You had me right up until the part about crushing people to death.

But zat is what makes it different to all ze other carawans.

Certainly different, yes.

Fine, perhaps we don't need the ceiling of death, Bladderstone.

-Haggerstone.

-But see here, ze doors, zey are fully automatic.

Clever.

And zey have zese handy rotating blades,

which emerge from the sides and will slice you into 1,000 pieces.

Rotating blades?

Rather neat, don't you think?

It's a little dangerous.

It is more zan dangerous! It is absolutely lethal!

It vill be ze talk of the ze town, Haggerstone.

Blatherbone. Er, Hagglestrop. No, er...

Haggerstone!

Zat's vat I said.

Can I ask, Professor, what...

what sort of inventions did you make for General Firingsquad?

All kinds of marvellous and useful devices

for executing people he didn't like.

-Executing?

-Yes.

We don't really need inventions for executing people here in Pagwell.

Have you got anything else?

Only zis.

Can you tell what it is?

It looks like a combined bath and guillotine.

You can also put piranhas inside.

What are we going to do?

It is not a problem. I have an ingenious idea.

I vill simply steal one of Professor Branestawm's inventions.

Right.

-Coo-ee!

-HE CHUCKLES

Tis only I, Professor Algebrain of an unspecified European country.

Ah, ze great inwentor is hard at vork, I see?

It is coming along wery vell, wery vell, indeed.

You're such a clever girl.

Now, might I...?

Can I ask your advice on something?

Of course, I'm always happy to help a fellow scientist.

-Well, it's about the miniaturisation.

-Ah.

I'm not quite sure how small to make it.

Smaller. Smaller! Always smaller!

NOTHING can be too small!

Miniaturisation, zat is ze future.

OK, if you're sure.

I'm positive.

Now, might I ask if I can borrow your special binoculars?

Yes, of course, any time.

I need to field test them for you, you see?

Science must always be tested.

Observation, measurement,

experiment, hypothesis

and testing, testing, testing!

MECHANICAL BIRD CROWS LIKE A COCKEREL

IT COUGHS

-MECHANICAL BIRD:

-What on earth have you got in there?

All set for your talk at the BBC, Professor?

I think so. I think so.

I just need to get my cards.

Are you sure everything will be safe here?

You wouldn't want anyone to come

and steal your invention while you're out.

The inventory door is fastened with a special lock of my own invention.

You don't use a key at all.

You squeeze toothpaste into it and...

and then blow through the keyhole,

playing the tune of Nelly The Elephant.

And, of course, a burglar wouldn't know about that.

They never do know about things like that.

Oh, what have you got in those buckets?

Horse manure from the cavalry stables

to put on Mrs Flittersnoop's roses.

Erugh!

HE PANTS

So...

HE WHISTLES NELLY THE ELEPHANT

I just need to get my cards for the talk, Mrs Flittersnoop.

Just make sure you hurry back, Professor.

It's the judging for the inventing prize this afternoon.

Yes, yes, I couldn't forget that.

You can't wear that tiny hat, Professor.

Oh.

There.

Oh, that man.

Now, where did I put my blooming recipe card?

-MECHANICAL BIRD:

-Caw! Caw! That's a lovely hat.

Thank you. Yes, it is.

Cheeky boy.

So, I must go to buy some toothpaste.

All set?

I'm in two minds about what to talk about.

Three, actually. If not four.

Should it be about my life as an inventor here in Pagwell,

the habits of the common dung beetle

or "What is a solenoid?"

-I could even talk about...

-I thought we'd agreed to keep it simple?

A day in the life of an inventor.

Yeah, simple, right, yes.

Good. Now, the talk will be live, Professor,

but don't let that put you off.

Speak clearly into the microphone, mouth nice and wide, no mumbling.

Like this?

Just talk normally and I'm sure I don't need to tell you

not to swear or insult the Queen.

Right, yes, mustn't swear at the Queen.

Of course, yes.

Oh.

So we're going live in five,

four, three, two,

one.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls

and, well, everybody else.

What is a solenoid?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Well, we'll come to that in due course.

I would like to talk to you today

about the everyday life of an inventor here in Pagwell.

Oh!

Sorry, er, ladies and etc.

Excuse me one moment.

Dung beetle?

As I was saying,

what is a solenoid?

No!

That is to say, what is the everyday life of an inventor like

here in Pagwell.

Well, I start my day with two tablespoons of vegetable oil,

one ounce of butter, two pounds of raw steak,

a seven ounce swede, two tablespoons of suet

and I don't... That's a recipe for beef stew with dumplings.

Rather tasty, as a matter of fact.

What is a solenoid?

No, er... Or rather, yes, ladies and gentlemen,

as an inventor here in Pagwell,

I clearly remember the day I...

charged with the Seventh Regiment

of the Catapult Cavaliers at an enemy gun emplacement.

Cannonballs to left of me, bullets to the right. No, I didn't.

That's one of Dedshott's. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

What did the travelling salesman say to the farmer's daughter?

What is a solenoid?

Yeah, yes, inventing, Pagwell.

My housekeeper, Mrs Flittersnoop, is an invaluable part of my life.

She eats mainly millipedes

and lays her eggs in giant balls of dung.

MRS FLITTERSNOOP TUTS

Oh, sorry, er...

Er, where was I?

Balls of dung, which should be added to the stew

at the last moment, where they will float on the surface.

HE BEGINS TO WHISTLE NELLY THE ELEPHANT

HE BLOWS TUNING PIPES

HE WHISTLES NELLY THE ELEPHANT

The town of Pagwell is a marvellous place to live and work,

full of some very colourful characters.

There is our local mayor, for instance, who is capable of...

rolling a large ball of dung up to 1,000 times his own weight,

the equivalent of an average person

pulling six double-decker buses full of people.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

I'm sorry, I seem to have lost track of what I was going to say.

I would like to say one important thing, though.

I am an inventor.

It's all I know how to do.

I'm not much use in anything else.

I'm forgetful and absent-minded and...

well, forgetful.

But I have a young assistant called Connie

who helps me with my experiments and, without, her I'd be completely lost.

I've been distracted lately and I've neglected her

and I very much wish I hadn't.

She's a very special person.

Now, what is a solenoid?

It's a cylindrical coil of conducting wire,

which behaves as a bar magnet when a current is passed through it.

Zis is more like it.

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Uh!

Argh!

Great scotch!

Zere is something wrong wiz zese glasses.

For a moment there, I thought I saw an unnaturally large gas bill.

GROWLING

Oh...

No! Help!

Help! NEIN!

Now just one more. Just one more.

Get on with it, man.

If I have to smile any longer, my teeth are going to fall out.

Um, before we start the judging for the inventing competition,

the pupils from the Pagwell School for Girls

would like to entertain us with some singing and dancing.

Oh, strewth, not performing girls.

-MECHANICAL BIRD:

-Caw! Hello, Einstein. Caw!

Is the Professor back yet?

No, he's running late, as usual. I'm off to the town hall.

I'll wait for him here.

-See you in a minute.

-Bye.

CRIES OF DISTRESS

Get off me!

Leave me alone, you paper bill!

That's odd.

GROWLING

Professor? Is that you?

Ah, Connie, help me, please!

I'm being attacked by a giant gas bill!

Out of here, now, or you'll end up in the ashtray.

GAS BILL WHIMPERS

Oh, Connie, zank you.

What are you doing here?

Vat am I doing here?

I...left somezing here yesterday.

I left...

my hat.

I'm so sorry, Connie.

OFF-KEY: # You are my sunshine

# My only sunshine

# You make me happy... #

You know, I think we should grant the freedom of Pagwell

to the winner of this inventing competition.

And-and what would that entail?

They would be allowed to use the park deckchairs for nothing.

Oh, splendid.

And have free dinners at the municipal cafes

as often as their insides could stand it.

Yeah, marvellous idea.

And they would be able to speak to the mayor without raising their hat.

Out of the question!

That would lead to anarchy.

# And I hung my head and I cried. #

APPLAUSE

Well done, Maisie. A very good effort.

I think you were brilliant. Just perfect.

It was terrible.

It was almost unrecognisable

and completely out of tune.

It was absolutely atrocious.

SHE SOBS

Er, what's next?

DOG BARKS

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

Oh, give me strength.

I'm going to vin ze competition, Connie. I vill beat Branestawm.

That's cheating. Those glasses are his invention

and, anyway, they don't even work.

Ah! But zey do, Connie.

-I have vorked out zeir secret.

-HE CHUCKLES

Gagh!

I know exactly vat you're going to say next.

"But how on Earth could you know zat?"

How on earth could you know that?

Ha! Because viz zese glasses, I can see five seconds into ze future.

I should never have helped you.

Professor Branestawm maybe forgetful and careless and cuckoo,

but at least he's not a crook.

It all went rather well.

Branestawm!

It all went rather well, don't you think?

Look out, Professor.

Well, it's all a bit technical and science-y for me, Prof.

-He's behind you!

-Eh, what?

Ha-ha-ha!

Connie!

He's stolen your invention.

-What?

-The electric glasses.

Ha-ha ha-ha!

Battle stations!

Prime the cannons! This means war!

Calm down, Dedshott, they don't work.

But they do.

They can see into the future.

They're brilliant.

But...aren't they your invention for the competition?

No, no, I've been working on something else.

-What is it?

-A universal skeleton key that will open any door,

for when you've lost all your other keys, which I have.

That sounds good,

but not as good as a pair of glasses that can see into the future.

You need to go after Algebrain and stop him

from stealing your idea and winning the competition.

She's right you know, Prof.

You get after him. I'll sort out Connie and bring up the rear.

But we're locked in.

Use your new invention.

Good idea.

The Professor Branestawm universal skeleton key,

capable of opening any door.

-SKELETON:

-Ah, no problem, no problem. Any chance of a cuppa, guv?

DEDSHOTT LAUGHS

Soon have it fixed for ya.

There we go.

Ooh.

SKELETON LAUGHS

Oh, go on, guv'nor. Lovely.

Show me a door, I'll open it.

On your bike, mate.

I have your glasses, Branestawm,

and there's nozing you can do about it! Ha-ha.

Stop that man!

Don't just stand there.

POLICEMAN BLOWS WHISTLE

ALGEBRAIN CACKLES

Argh!

Oh!

Bet you didn't see zis coming!

Argh!

HE CACKLES

-Argh!

-Sorry!

Whoa!

Ohh!

I'm sorry, too!

ALGEBRAIN LAUGHS

Out of my way, you Pagvell plebeians!

Stop him!

Ha-ha! You'll never catch me, Branestawm.

I can see five seconds into ze future.

Stop that man!

Ha-ha! I saw you five seconds ago!

Look out! Oh!

Look out! Whoa!

Thank you for your patience, ladies and gentlemen,

but I'm pleased to say that now's the time for the judging

of the competition to find the best inventor in Pagwell.

But there aren't any bloomin' inventors here, Haggerstone.

There's still a minute to go for the deadline.

Trust Professor Branestawm to be late.

And Professor Algebrain. He's terrifically punctual.

Punctual? I'll punch him in the nose if he beats my Professor.

Oh, really.

MUSIC: William Tell Overture by Gioachino Rossini

Ha-ha! I knew you would be zere with your little schweinhunds.

ALGEBRAIN LAUGHS

You're no match for me, Branestawm!

I'm five seconds ahead of you!

Ooh!

Stop that man!

Madam!

Argh!

You're five seconds behind me, Branestawm!

And you alvays vill be!

Oh! Oh!

Get back, get back!

ALGEBRAIN CACKLES

NUNS SING

Coming through!

Look out, ladies!

Ah!

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Stop!

THEY SCREAM

DUCKS QUACK

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but if no inventors turn up on time,

I'm afraid we won't be able to award any prize money this year.

Well, what will we do with it all?

Well, we shall have to donate it all to your stupid owl sanctuary, vicar.

By the way, what were you thinking of calling it?

Hooters.

Right.

Well, if they're not here in exactly ten seconds,

it's your lucky day, vicar.

Ten,

nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five,

four,

-three...

-I am here!

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

I have made it.

Well, get on with it, then. What have you invented?

Zese electric glasses.

Ah. And what-what exactly do they do?

They can see five seconds into ze future.

Oh, splendid.

Tell me, what do you see now?

I see a bald-headed man on a penny farzing

riding into ze town hall

and crashing into another man wiz a ridiculous foreign accent.

Oh, no, wait a minute...

ARGH!

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, well, this is certainly more entertaining

than that performing dog.

You fool!

You've broken my inwention!

My invention, actually, you scoundrel.

It doesn't matter whose invention it was.

If it doesn't work, we can't award a prize so,

as there are no inventions this year,

I shall have to give the money to...

I have an invention.

What?

I have an invention.

You? Well, what have you invented?

I call it a tablet.

Oh, she is so clever. A tablet.

Ah.

Er, it's a tablet, you say? What does it do?

What doesn't it do?

I've been experimenting with miniaturising things.

We can't carry around everything we need all the time, can we?

Well, with my tablet, there is no need.

You can read books on it. You can play games on it.

You can find out what the weather's going to be like.

-You can even listen to the radio on it.

-That sounds amazing, Connie.

It is.

-I bet it can't peel spuds.

-Shh.

It's called a tablet, you say?

Yes.

Yes, it's rather small.

How on earth are you supposed to read a book on that?

I may have made it a little too miniature.

I had some bad advice.

Never mind. As it's the only invention,

the prize must go to Connie.

Oh.

It's a yes from me. I think it's brilliant. Just perfect.

Yes, I agree with her.

Let's get on with it. This is taking far too long.

Right, the Norbert McGuffin bequest...

-Norman.

-Norman McGuffin bequest of £1,854...

-And a thrupenny bit.

-Yes, and a thrupenny bit. Thank you, vicar.

..goes to Connie Whistlestop for her, er...

-Tablet.

-Tablet!

-Hooray!

-Hurrah!

Not so fast!

Zis prize belongs to me,

Professor Algebrain from an unspecified European country.

It is mine! Mine, I tell you!

And if anyone tries to stop me,

I vill detonate zis nuclear-powered paperweight.

Stop right there, Algebrain.

I found this handy flame thrower in the Prof's inventory.

Dah!

-ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

-Aaaah!

I give up! I give up!

I give in!

Ah!

So I would like to present this, er...

gigantic living cheque

to you, Connie.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ahh.

And I'd like to give it to you, Professor Branestawm,

so you can keep your house.

And I'd like to give it to the council to pay my bills.

I don't want the damn thing. It's giving me the willies.

You can have it, vicar, for your stupid owl sanctuary.

Oh, splendid.

Did you mean what you said? You know, on the radio?

Yes, yes, of course. I'm sure I did. Yes, indeed.

What did I say?

About me.

You? Yes, yes, of course.

Who are you again?

Only joking. I know who you are, Connie,

and I think this tablet invention is a marvel.

It can do all those things and even tell us the weather.

I learnt everything from you.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: "Ah, sunny spells with showers later."

# Happy days are here again. #

# We're in the money, we're in the money. #

# Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus. #

Amazing!

Excellent. Well, everything has worked out for the best.

And the money's gone to a good home.

APPLAUSE

I'm not dead yet!

Whoops!

Sorry.