Short Circuit

Enemy neutralised, ladies and gentlemen. Objective completed.

Very nice!

Introducing your host, Dr Howard Marner,

President of Nova Robotics.

Strategic Artificially Intelligent Nuclear Transport or "SAINT".

If the question is survival, then SAINT is the answer.

It is adaptable to any deserts, Arctic wastes...

Well, of course it's adaptable, because it's a robot.

Crush ice.

Glass. Ice.

Gin. Tonic.

A squeeze of lime...

Your cocktail, Dr Marner.

Thank you, Number Two! APPLAUSE

Mm! Just the way I like it! Shaken but not stirred!

THUNDER Oh, my.

Well, one thing we can't control is the weather,

so why don't we move into the lab?

One more thing, Dr Marner... Yes, Senator?

The man who designed them... Dr Crosby. When can we meet him?

Soon. Maybe not today, but soon. Why not today? Flu.

I do want to speak with him.

I'll see what I can do. Would you, erm...excuse me?

-STRONG ASIAN ACCENT:

-Boot up motion control, please.

-Where is he? I need him! Stat!

-Excuse me, sir.

-Crosby's hiding in the toilet, sir.

-Public relations is everybody's job.

-The crowds make him sick.

-I want him here! I pay him to be here!

Last time I see him he is vomiting.

Well, clean him up and send him out! STAT!

-Newton, come on, hurry up!

-Mmm...

You must make an appearance.

Marner says stat.

-YOU go hobnob!

-I am sick of wearing the dress in this family.

PHONE RINGS

MARNER: 'Crosby, don't hang up! I want...'

Come on, Newton, you can do it!

-Come on!

-To tell them each robot costs 11 million and kills people?

-A child could tell them that.

-That's why they need you. Come on.

-Just one dance.

-I have to go to the jack.

-The john.

-Oh, yeah. You're doing real good. Just keep working on those last two bars.

-Let's GO!

Coming through, please. Wine coolers, Perrier, iced tea. Please take a drink.

He'll tell you about the peacetime uses. Besides serving gin and tonic?

The only way to secure the peace is to be prepared.

We can parachute these robot guys behind enemy lines. They hide out till the first strike blows over.

Each one carries a 25-megaton bomb right up Main Street, Moscow, like the mailman bringing bad news.

We call it Operation Gotcha Last! That's what you call ensuring peace.

I think we're all thinking the same way.

THUNDER

Better get Number Five off that generator. >

OK, OK. I'll get to it.

What happened? I dunno!

Oh, my God! It's fried!

I hope you've got a few million bucks to pay for the damage!

Everything checks out. What?! Amazing!

OK, robots. Verbal command. Report to disarming section.

Go on!

-The ultimate soldier!

-Originally, I had non-military purposes in mind. I designed it as a marital aid.

MARNER: Very funny.

-Dr Crosby has designed a weapon to keep our world safe.

-Howard, what's so safe about blowing people up?

Coffee service coming through.

Hmmm?

Hot coffee.

Coffee service coming through. Please watch your step.

Mmm!

Coffee service coming through. Please watch your step.

Please serve yourself. Have a canape. Shrimp toast. Caviar. Pate.

Ah, our prototypes are here!

-I've...only counted four. Tell me I've miscounted.

-Gag me with a fork, sir. Number Five has disappeared.

-Not today!

-Afraid so.

-Call Security.

-I did, sir. Stat.

-You did. Great. Just stay calm!

How you doing?

Running late.

Goddamn garbage cans! Garbage cans with guns!

Have you got anything, Skroeder? I got trouble! And my wife is home, cooking me a steak...

What's that? Right there! Coffee machine.

You're right.

Very good, Howard(!) Now, freeze this place!

PHONE RINGS

All right.

There you go. PHONE RINGING

-Where did you disappear to?

-I was hobnobbing!

-OK, OK.

-Number Five was hit by a huge power surge.

-Did you try the return code?

Ohhhhhh!

Ohhhh!

'Strange. It won't talk to me.'

-Are you sure Five is operational?

-As far as I know.

-Testing.

-OK...

-Just let me go get it!

-Access code 42721.

"Access gained. Number Five standing by!" Disappointed, hm?

-Why the hell does it need input?

-I guess it can't triangulate its position.

-That's a simple function.

-Can YOU do it?

-No.

-There you go!

-Very funny(!)

-Don't worry. You won't miss a meal.

-"Unable. Malfunction."

-How can it refuse to turn itself off?

Anybody try the homing device yet? Hm? Hm?

-..No.

-Come on, you guys! It's probably right down the hall!

Here it comes, here it comes! And...bingo!!

Good Lord! It's outside the fence!

That is not the worst of it, Dr Marner.

-Is its laser still armed?!

-Bimbo!!

-What's it going to do?

-It might not do anything.

But it could decide to blow away anything that moves, couldn't it?

-MARNER: It's not coming back. We've got to destroy it.

-You can't.

-Let's try to catch it first.

-Yeah.

-What if it melts down a busload of nuns? What headline would that make?

-"Nun soup"?

-Ben!

Howard... OK, it's malfunctioning. But what a malfunction!

Get your team together, Skroeder.

Duke! Otis! Try to avoid an incident.

And, Skroeder...you know you don't have to blow it up.

-Bring it back in one piece.

-Please!

Whatever it takes to put that stupid contraption out of commission... Yes, sir!

SIRENS

-Let's scramble instructions. Maybe it'll listen if it comes up to the decoder.

-Good idea.

What's this?

-He's testing his logic circuits.

-What's this? "Input, input, input."

-Come on.

-Return to D-station. Now!

-What's going on?

-He must be reading it someplace.

-"A Pepper Too"?

Mmmm!

Need input!

Input!

Hmph!

Did you see something? I hope not. I did.

Me too.

It's right outside. Captain Skroeder! This is Bravo Four!

He's right in front of us, sir! 'We're on our way.'

Hey!

HEY!

-It's going berserk!

-What's happened?

-Who can read a robot's mind?

Wheee!

Ohhhh!

You did this on purpose, Crosby!

-Calm down.

-We're losing its signal.

-We need a vehicle.

-Is there a van?

-Of course there's a van!

DOG BARKING

-Thanks for calling me, Mrs Cepeda.

-He's round there, and up to no good!

Get down!

-Hey!

-What are you doing home?

-This is MY home, not your home.

-What's this?

-Well...he looked kinda sick. I was taking him to the vet.

He's fine! What are you doing here?

I thought maybe we could patch things up, pick up where we left off.

-You know you want me back.

-What's this?

Medical research? You slime-bag!

-The dog is on its last legs!

-Get out!

-You owe me some money.

-I owe you?

-Right.

-I supported you! That was my money you used to buy your big red dorkmobile!

-Dammit!

Hey! Hey! Do not hit that car!

Get away from me!

-All right, you want to play hard to get?

-Let go, you mutation!

-Don't call me that!

-You don't even know what it means!

-I can find out!

Hey, you! You leave her alone!

-Oh, honey! Are you OK, honey?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-I'm fine.

-I thought he was different from the others.

-Huh!

-He's better-looking.

-Well, looks aren't everything.

I know THAT every time I look at Mr Cepeda!

-The man from the City was here.

-I told him it's temporary!

-Just till I find them all homes.

-He says four years isn't temporary.

-He'll call the Sheriff.

-Great. Maybe the Sheriff would like a pet. Beasley, come to me, baby!

Did he scare you, honey?

-I feel like I've been cooped up here for ever!

-Time to spread your legs and smell the breezes, eh?

-Has it changed outside?

-You can say that two times.

-Hurry up, you guys!

-We're on our way, Howard!

-Newton, aren't there girls out there?

-Mmm!

-With brassieres and legs. You have a working knowledge of girls?

-No, but I've read about them.

-I have some schematic drawings.

-Who said you could take Number One?

-Howard, we need protection!

-So we've got 22 million dollars on the loose!

-What about gas money?

I'm sorry, I have to draw the line at snakes.

I'm sure it would make a wonderful pet, but... Isn't there a Home for Cobras somewhere?

-RATTLING >

-Uh, can you hang on for a second?

Uh...can I call you back? Thanks.

Hey! Get out of there!

Frank! Mr Scum-oh!

I know you're in there!

Get out! I'll call the cops!

What are you deaf?

Oh, my God!

Oh, I knew they'd pick me! I just knew it.

Hello?

Well, I guess... Welcome to my planet!

Oh, boy! Is this thrilling or what?

Don't be scared. I'm a friend. Friend.

Do you know the word "friend"?

Because that's what I am. I am a friend. So...

here I come. Nice and extremely friendly.

Hi!

It's me! Um...

So... This is Earth. I'm Stephanie Speck.

No offence, but is that really you or are you inside a space suit

just a brain in a little jar or something...?

Malfunction.

-You can talk!

-Malfunction! Need input!

Input. That's information.

Listen, I am full of it. Why don't you come in and we can sit down and talk...

Communicate. Input.

Come on.

No... I mean come with me.

Uh-uh. Come here.

Oh...

Come here.

Come on.

March! Heel! Giddy-up! Um... Forward!

Forward!

Forward! Forward! Come forward! That's good! That's really good!

These are animals. Lower life forms. They're a bit skittish with strangers, aliens, whatever.

-Malfunction! Need input!

-Input. Right. Right. You got it. This is a house. We live inside it.

-We have a floor. See?

-Floor.

-And the opposite of a floor is a ceiling!

-Ceiling!

-We have windows and, erm...air. And look over here!

-Light! Music!

-TURNS ON STEREO

-Mmm!

-And look at this! This is a plant! And these are goldfish!

-Mmm!

Don't touch!

And look over there! See? These are ants.

They're not aunts, they're ants. It's an ant farm.

-Mmmm.

-These are my bunnies! Edwina and Norman!

-Norman.

-I bet you've got some amazing animals on your planet!

-Oooh!

-Good! This is Earth! Where we are now. See?

-You are...here. Here. Oregon.

-Oregon.

-Home of the beaver, famous for cherries...

-Beavers. Cherries. Input!

-I'm giving you input!

-MORE input!

How about pictures? Do you like pictures? We have a lot of pictures here. A lot of them.

This is a picture of, um... of an aardvark.

See that? It's a mammal.

-Input! Aardvark. Abyssinia. Adams, John...

-You can read!

Ah! Input! MORE input!

OK! No problem! Um...Volume Two! No problem!

-Ohh!

-Sorry.

-This is very healthful for the neck.

-Can you believe it's five years since I've driven?

-I would say ten.

-It's all coming back to me, though.

-You know what people like at night? Headlights!

-Oh, yeah! That's a lot better! Thanks!

-Definitely.

NUMBER FIVE READS ALOUD AT TOP SPEED

-Ahhh! More input, Stephanie! MORE !

-There isn't any more! You've read everything in here!

-Oooh! Animal! Mammal! Skunk!

-Oh...

Glass!

-Pasta! Semolina! Spaghetti!

-That's very good...

-Spaghetti sauce!

-Look, on this planet that isn't polite!

Oooh! Plant! Fruit! Oranges! Apples! Lemons! Limes!

-Thanks a lot(!)

-Tablecloth!

Not my dishes!

-Table American contemporary!

-Oh...! My china!

-Numerous fragments some large, some small.

-OK, watch this.

-See that?

-Input!

-Right! Input!

OK, here. You hold this. That's very good. And stay! Stay!

'At Alaska Airlines, our people go out of their way to show you they're only human.'

Hey, with your permission I know no-one will believe me, so...

-Mmm!

-Wow!

Woop woop woop woop!

Input!

This is a barrel of monkeys! Let's go scrape up some female chicks!

-What about the robot?

-Pardon me, but you are becoming a drag strip.

Well, girls are not my best suit.

We have a saying: "Market is dull home for rodents."

-Where are you from, anyway?

-Bakersfield.

-I mean your ancestors.

-Oh, them. Pittsburgh.

MUSIC BLARING

'It's the Colgate pump! With MFP Fluoride!'

'It's a lie! I didn't do it, Tony! We're pals! Owww!'

Mmm!

'Tony, you're the last guy I'd try to cross!

'Give me a chance, Tony!'

Have you been watching all night? Come on!

Don't get up, I'll tidy up(!)

Haven't you had enough? You lose IQ points the longer you watch.

You're going to become the first alien couch potato! Give me that!

'When it says Orida it's All Right-a!'

-Have a heart!

-"Have a Heart!" "Don't Cry, Little Girl!" Dozens of hits in a double album!

Are you sick of bills piling up? Try "Accountant in a Can"!

You didn't come to do commercials!

Come on, there's something I want to show you outside. Come on.

-Bird! Raven! Nevermore!

-Now look... Look. Look.

-Mmmmm! Look!

-No, no! THERE!

-See?

-Ohh!

-Beautiful! Light bulb!

-No. Sun.

-Beautiful! No sun!

-Beautiful sun.

-Beautiful rhinoceros! Turtle!

Volkswagen!

-You mean that little fat one?

-Mmmm!

Beautiful animal! Mammal! Canine! Dog! Mutt!

-Beasley!

-Beasley!

-GROWLING

-Ehh?

-Beasley, stop it!

-No-o-o!

-Beasley, stop it! Look out!

Are you all right?

Oh, are you OK? Say something!

Beautiful Stephanie!

You're a robot?!

-Yes.

-I thought you were alive!

I let you tear my house apart! God, I'm so stupid!

-Stupid! Foolish! Gullible!

-Shut up.

-Shut up! Silence! Sit on it!

-Am I a jerk!

Jerk! Turkey! Idiot!

I hope you're programmed to pay for the mess you made!

Maybe there's a reward! I could have as many animals as I want!

Can I speak to the head warmonger?

Dr Warmonger er, Marner. This may be something.

-Hello?

-'Hello, I'd like you to know that I have one of your robots.'

Oh, God... OHHH!

Oh, good! Yes! Uh... Oh, yeah! Well, listen...

Thank you very much for calling! Our people are on the way.

WHISTLE Head out! We've got it!

Move! Move! Move! Today, gentlemen! Today! Let's go!

Ben, we got to go! Let's go! Let's go!

Now, try to keep a safe distance.

-How safe a distance?

-Oh...well... See, it's malfunctioning.

And we have to disassemble it and check it out.

It's a goofy little gadget. Just try to keep as far away as possible. Not that it's dangerous or anything.

-How much is it worth, anyway?

-Worth? Oh, a few hundred dollars.

-There's no reward for finding it?

Well... We do have a daily tour of our facilities.

-'I could get you a student discount.'

-Hey! It's gone!

Gone?

Woolly mammals! Sheep! Source of sweaters!

Oh, I see it!

Hey, you! Number Five!

-You'll scare my animals, bozo! They're coming. They'll give you a tune-up.

-Tune-up? Input!

They'll take you apart...

-Apart? Undone! Dismantle! Dissect! Disassemble!

-Right.

-Jump!

-Oh, look! It's a grasshopper!

Grasshopper! Orthopterous insect! Jump!

Oh, that's great! OK!

-All right, let's go back now. Hey!

-Hmmm?

-Dammit, you klutz!

-Error. Grasshopper disassembled.

-Reassemble.

-Huh?

-Reassemble.

-I can't! He's dead!

Dead?

-Right. Dead as a doornail.

-Reassemble, Stephanie! Reassemble!

I know you don't understand, but when you're dead, you're dead.

Dead is for ever.

Squash...dead.

Disassemble. Dead...

Disassemble...? DEAD!!

Hey!

No disassemble!

-Flee! Escape!

-Oh, my God. Get out of my truck! Let me in!

Let me in!

-ENGINE ROARS

-No! Don't!

Come back with my truck, you hunk of tin!

You'd better be insured, cos I'll sue!

Uh-oh!

I'm seeing a blip on my scope! Drive slowly.

-Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

-It is moving at extreme velocipede!

-To the right of the line!

-Right! Accurate! Proper! Correct!

No!! My side! The right!

Look out!

Oh, God!

-HORN HONKING

-No!

-Where is she going?

-Go figure out chicks!

Look out!

-Nice work, can-head(!)

-Sorry!

Oh, no!

Stop it now! Stop! Turn left!

TURN!

-Fish!

-Oh, no!

-Salmon! Sushi!

-We're going to be killed!

-Disassembled?

-Yes!

Disassembled? NO!

Escape! Escape!

-Flee! Hide! Refuge!

-What are you afraid of?

Nova Robotics! Disassemble Number Five! Dead!

-You can't die. You're a machine.

-No.

-You're not a machine?

-Yes!

-Yes, you are? Yes, you're not?

-Yes.

-Yes what?

-Yes not!

-Talk about a malfunction!

-Not malfunction, Stephanie.

Number Five...is alive!

Just keep going straight. OK, OK... We're getting closer.

-I can sense it.

-There they are!

Nova. Disassemble Number Five! Dead!

Girlie! Girlie, come quick! Danger!

No! No disassemble Number Five!

-Come on!

-What planet is this guy from?

No disassemble!

Oh, Number Five, don't be scared! I'll be right back.

Eeeh!

Come on, Number One. Very good.

Oh, Jeez! Another one!

Oh, you are girl, right?

As far as I know. Hi! Your little brother's hiding in my truck.

I have seen some strange drivers, but you will be awarded a cake!

Me? Your robot did the driving!

-Did you say the robot drove?

-That's right, chum!

-You cannot hold your water with that story.

-I was there, OK?

-Did you steer?

-Yeah, I like driving off cliffs(!)

-My robot can't drive.

-Calling me a liar?

-No! Maybe you have amnesia.

-Come on!

-What are these guys used for?

-It is top-secret.

-I figured.

-Dr Love, I'd like my robot back.

-He knows that, but he's scared.

-It's a machine, it doesn't get scared. It just runs programs.

-Yeah? How do you explain THAT?

You see?

-He's scared that he's going to die!

-Where'd you hear that?

-He told me!

-Talk to him!

-I'm trying to!

-With your mouth! Number Five!

-Come on out!

-Is it cool?

-It's OK. They're friends.

-No disassemble?

No. They just want to talk to you.

-Come forward. Remember "forward"?

-Forward.

-I can't believe it!

-I am standing here beside myself!

-OK, now tell them what you told me.

Number Five not just robot...

< WHISTLE

THERE IT IS! MOVE OUT!

GO! GO! TODAY, GENTLEMEN! TODAY!

-Down, girlie!

-Are you nuts?

SKROEDER: Look out! He's going to shoot!

No! Stop! I have clearance!

-Bend down!

-Quit that!

-You think I'm doing this for self-gratification?

Yay! Go!

-No! No! Stop!

-Stephanie!

-They're killing him!

-Hold your fire!

-Dammit, stop! Hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

Number Five alive!

-Oww!

-Stephanie!

-Oh, Number Five! I'm sorry!

-Stephan...ie...

-You're paralysing him!

-I cut all its power. You can load it up.

-Wait! Where are you taking him?

-I want you guys to...

It is only being wires and several mechanisms, for the Pete of sake! For the sake of Pete!

You have to turn him back on! He was talking like a real person!

-If something is broken, I fix it, OK?

-OK, fix it, Einstein(!)

-I plan to. And it's Newton Crosby.

-Stephanie Speck.

-Nice meeting you.

-Same here.

-Ben, make sure they do not switch off the memory, OK?

-Absolutely.

I enjoyed throwing you to the ground.

-Namaste.

-Mm-hm.

-Stat.

-You can call me.

-Call you?

-To let me know if Number Five's OK.

-Oh. OK, maybe.

-Don't do me any favours, Jack(!)

There we are, on Mount St Helens, and we've got two flat tyres!

-Now, Hazel's running around the parking lot.

-Hazel...?

-The wife.

-Funny American name!

Yeah, it's not one you hear much. She's the only Hazel I know.

Well, except for witch hazel, who I think she's named after.

-I thought it was a nut.

-It's a family name.

They're from Europe. There's always been a Hazel. In the family, I mean, not in Europe.

She runs around the parking lot...

She's showing people her ID to prove her cheques are good!

She was even trying to swap some souvenirs we got on the way up,

-all of which were made from volcano ash!

-Did you get some ash?

So, of course, nobody's going to sell her a spare tyre...

Will you get to the point?

Shhh! Sir...

-Yes, sir?

-Sir...

-Oh, my goodness!

-Can he shoot us with that laser?

-I am not knowing!

-Shall I stop?

-Who knows?

-Shall I go on?

-Again I am shrugging.

-I'm stopping.

-Good choice!

-Number Five furious! Livid! Perturbed!

-Hold it!

OWWW !

Colt .45. Semi-automatic! Play-Doh!

-What now?

-I don't know about you, but I'm planning to scream and run.

-Good answer!

-Aggggh! Aggggh!

What is he doing?

HUMS "THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA"

Uh-oh!

Oh, very good! Very good! You earned that one!

Hi, honey. What is for dinner?

Hmmm!

Bingo!

RADIO: 'Lucky is seventh and Pacer is in the rear!

'Double Trouble, making a move!'

'..serving the devil!' COUNTRY MUSIC

Hmmm.

# There she goes... #

Mmmm!

# And when she says "Who is Johnny?"

# Games that girl is playing All she says is Who is Johnny?

# Try to understand because I'm people too!

# And playing games is part of human nature

# My heart's in overdrive

# It's great to be alive! "Who's Johnny?" she said

# And smiled in her special way "Johnny," she said... #

Ready! Aim!

What's up?

I hope you took the grass out of the glove compartment! Hello, Officer.

Maybe if it was programmed to think it was alive...

-Maybe...

-Maybe we have created another Frankfurter's monster.

-I can HEAR my blood pressure!

-Howard, this is incredible!

-It's a red alert.

-There's no danger!

-We'll find Number Five and get some answers.

-There's only one answer.

-Right(!) Blast it to bits!

-Doctor!

-How many kids have you got?

-None.

Well, I got three! Three dandy little Skroeders! And I want them to be adults, not barbecue!

I'll alert the media. Skroeder handles it. Stay at your terminal.

This is ridiculous. Think of it as a full-scale field test!

- Leave your terminal, you're fired. - Howard, we need roadblocks.

I'll need some Hueys. Some what? Helicopters, Howard! Jesus!

Not "choppers"? No. "Hueys". Why wasn't I notified?

(OK, Ben. This is the plan.)

KNOCK AT DOOR

Stephanie Speck? Tell us about the robot! Were you scared?

-'No. No.

-Did he try to molest you in any way?

-No, he's not that kind of a robot!

-'Did you know there's a 25,000 reward offered?

-No. Leave me alone!'

Yeah, you know where it is. And for 25,000, I'm damn well going to know where it is too!

KNOCKING

Frank?

Is that you, Frank? I'm warning you! I'm armed and dangerous!

Disguise! Camouflage! Hi!

-Number Five! You got away?

-Yup!

-You can't stay here. They'll find you.

-Stephanie change colour!

Uh...

Alive! Number Five alive!

The guys who built you say no way.

But it's not safe for you here, so go on, get out of here. Go on.

Mmm. Solitude.

Isolation.

-Alone!

-Oh, Number Five, come on!

Lonely!

If I went to jail, who would take care of my animals?

-What are you doing?

-A can of soup! A meal in itself!

-OK, you can stay. Just for tonight.

-Excellent!

-If they catch you...

-I do not know you.

-You got it!

-OK, Ben.

-I've never stolen a vehicle.

-Kind of exciting, huh?

-With excitement like this, who needs enemas?

-Look, Ben... Agh!

-Dr Marner!

-I knew you'd try this. You won't make it. There are soldiers with bazookas out there.

You're a scientist. You understand.

-I'm a businessman now.

-20 years ago you would have chauffeured us!

Times have changed.

-Let's get back upstairs.

-Come on, Newton. Let us punch the sack.

-Tomorrow is the next day.

-No.

No!

No! I'm going!

-So shoot me.

-Don't think I won't.

-Howard, you know you're bluffing.

-Rama, Lord Rama, grant my wish.

-All right, I'm bluffing.

-Thank you!

-Let's get out of here.

-Very good.

-The doors are electronically sealed.

-Don't be too sure.

Then you'll have to drive over me.

-That's fine by me.

-This is going to be messy.

-It's how I get big bucks.

LOUD MUSIC: "You Should Be Dancing" by the Bee Gees

Yeah!

Whee-ee!

Whoo-oo-oo!

Yeah.

Oh, very good! Great.

-Oh. Hey, thanks.

-Turn off the TV. It's time for bed.

No.

MUSIC CHANGES TO "More Than A Woman"

Mmmmm!

-No, turn off the TV. It's bedtime.

-Come on, Steph, lighten up. Let's give it a whirl.

-Hey!

-Yeah!

-Listen, you, it's 3am.

-It's early!

-Don't you ever get enough? Wrestling, roller derby, the Three Stooges, give it a rest.

-Larry, Curly, Moe!

-You know, you're not a bad dancer!

-Dancing fool.

-Big finish!

-Right. Then I'm going to bed, and tomorrow you have to find a new home.

-This home. Stephanie home.

-You don't know what you're saying.

Number Five know.

#

More than a woman

-#

-More than a woman to me!

-#

-Oh, Number Five!

LARRY: # I'll croon...

# a little song about the moon.

# When I'm finished with my crooning on my knees I'll fall.

# My life, # My love, # My all. #

OK, to make these golden, fluffy pancakes,

add flour, milk and eggs.

Mix thoroughly.

Ooh!

Still lumpy.

Marvellous! For crisp yet moist potatoes, brown on one side, then turn over.

Mm! This'll be some good slop.

-Is something burning?

-Morning!

-Ah, Number Five, good morning.

-Sleep well?

-You're making me breakfast!

-Pancake surprise.

Oh, Number Five, you're so sweet.

Oh, no!

-DOG IS BARKING

-It's the Revenge of the Mutation.

-Why don't you turn that stove off and I'll be right back?

-Wait! It'll get cold.

-What are you doing here, creep?

-Good morning. I saw you on the news last night.

-I'm a big celebrity.

-Don't you know that there's a reward out for that robot? 25,000.

-Why don't you get off my property?

-Now, Steph...

-Leave me alone!

-Where is it?

-Get out of here before I call the cops.

-Stephanie, breakfast! Pancakes.

25,000. Don't worry, we'll split it. Twenty for me, five for you.

You've got to talk computer to him or he won't move an inch. Number Five, this is Frank.

How, robot. Me friend.

-Mm?

-Talk computer, not Apache.

Fresh OJ? Not from concentrate.

Thanks.

What do you say we jump in my car, take a ride? I'll take you home.

-Tell him where home is.

-Uh...Nova.

-Nova? No! No disassemble!

-Number Five, run!

-Come on, treads, don't fail me!

-Run! Get away now!

-Get off of me!

-You tricked me!

-Don't I get 5,000?

Forget it! He can go 30 miles an hour, you big, stupid jerk!

-You'll help me catch it.

-No, I'd rather die first.

-Where's my car?

Hi!

Piece of cake!

Oh, my God!

-My car!

-Way to go, Number Five!

-Uh-oh!

No!

Number Five, look out!

"JOHN WAYNE":

Hey, pilgrim, that nearly parted my hair.

If you want to play rough, I can sure oblige ya.

How can he do that?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

"GEORGE RAFT":

Frankie, you broke the unwritten law. You ratted on your friends.

When you do that, Frankie, your enemies don't respect ya and you got no friends no more.

-Pretty good, huh?

-Unbelievable!

Look out!

O-o-h!

How about that, a goddamned robot!

Stephanie, get off me!

Stephanie, that's it.

Not disassemble Stephanie.

No!

Oo-ooh!

Woo-oo-oo!

I'm calling Nova and the cops.

-And you'd better not come crawling back to me, because it's over!

-Good!

They'll be after you. We got to get out of here.

Now I have no job to speak about. I will have to smack the sidewalk.

-That won't happen, because we're going to find Number Five.

-Very good.

-'That's right, Howard. Same woman.'

-It's Scrotum.

-Skroeder.

-Same thing.

'All roads are blocked except a back road into the hills. Go there.'

Where the hell are we?

-New York City.

-I don't think so. Try the other side.

-OK.

-Oh, Texaco.

-Great. Well, I'm lost. I don't know where to go.

-Strategy.

-What about it?

-Need some. Quick.

-We need somebody to make those bozos listen.

-Not bozos.

-What?

-ONE bozo. Newton Crosby PhD.

-Hey, he's the enemy. He can't help.

-Couldn't hurt!

I see why Number Five took a liking to her, if it had that capability. I mean, she's kind of pretty.

-'Crosby?'

-It's Howard.

-How's your back?

-I just swore out some warrants for your arrest.

-Good golly!

-'I'll give you one last chance. That loony girl phoned.

-'She wants to see you. Only you.'

-She does?

-Oh, her pants are blazing for you, Newton Crosby!

-Grow up!

-OK, on one condition. No Skroeders.

-'It's a deal.'

-Right. Where?

'The Black Lion Inn.'

Good luck, sir.

-Hi!

-He's hidden. Far away. He's scared of you guys, you know.

Do I get him or not?

First we talk. Inside.

-My ex-boyfriend used to bring me here.

-Ex?

-Hi.

-Hi! Good to see you!

-Yeah. Ex. So what?

-Uh... Nothing.

OK, here's the deal. Number Five is alive.

Really alive, like you and me. See?

But they're still machines. Just like your stereo or...

No, I know he's a machine. So am I. So are you. We're alive. How it happens, who knows? But it happened.

OK. Believe me, I am not against the idea that that could happen.

But I built the machine from scratch. And alive? Alive?

-It doesn't compute.

-I know it's not your everyday event, but it's true.

And Guerrero steps to the plate.

And it's a long line drive to deep left centre. Hyde is going back for it. He's...

RUSTLING

Uh-oh!

Robot alert. Number Five located.

Engage and capture. Do not destroy.

Ohhh!

Have you thought about this?

If you want to help Number Five, give it back. It needs repairing.

Life is not a malfunction.

Number Five, stay where you are.

Strike three!

Number... Number...

Number One,

you're out!

Number five, stay where you are.

Oh, my gosh!

Tools! Hammer, axe... Rope!

3/4 inch double braid! Perfecto! "Escaped Robot Fights Back!"

Target in sight.

Capture and hold. Visibility: five feet...two feet...no feet...

Hey, Laser-lips!

Your mama was a snow-blower!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

That wraps you up, you wascal!

Ha ha ha!

Target located. Fire!

Holy Moley! Um...

Elevation 22 degrees.

Down, boy!

Temper, temper!

Fire!

Oooh!

Hold fire. Don't light a match.

Well, when you got to go... Don't squeeze the Charmin!

NUMBER FIVE PROGRAMS ALL ROBOTS TO WHISTLE "COLONEL BOGEY"

Nova!

I don't like the Nova guys either.

I just want to see Number Five.

Do I have your word you will not experiment on him,

-and you will not take him apart?

-Absolutely. You have my word.

-OK. I'll take you to him.

-And you can take me too!

-Skroeder!

-Good job, Crosby. Thanks.

Liar!

Stephanie! A trap! Nova!

Here's your table, sir!

Come, Stephanie! We be jammin'!

-Stop! Stop!

-Go! Go! Go!

Newton Crosby, Ph-Dork!

Hmmm... HMMMM!

-What are you doing?

-Keep driving!

-Step on it!

-OK !

-I've had it! This was a precision operation!

-You set me up!

Where the hell are the other robots? They should have cut Number Five to pieces by now!

"THE THREE STOOGES":

Wise guy, huh?

Cut it out! Take that!

You numbskulls!

ENGINE STALLS AND WON'T START

Mmm! Cars! Dumb machines!

That creep! Every time I think a guy's OK he turns out to be a jerk.

-They're all alike! All of them!

-Stephanie!

-Next time they mess with us, we're going to kick ass.

-Kick ass? Donkey! Mule! Burro!

-If one comes near you, burn his butt with your laser!

-Burn?

-Yeah!

No. No disassemble.

Oh, come on! They deserve it!

Stephanie!!

Oh, Jesus, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do any more.

"JOHN WAYNE":

Take heart, little lady. I'll fix their wagon.

The cat has dragged in a sight for four eyes. You look dreadful. What happened? Where's Number Five?

I saw three robots re-programmed in ten minutes!

I saw Number Five rescue the girl! He was screaming her name!

If you are thinking that chick is some sort of super hacker...

Sure(!) She cracked the Nova code, then the access language...

all while we sat in the bar, which was great.

-Really? What happened?

-We were interfacing...

-My advice helped?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Yes? Come on, Newton.

-No!

-Get in! Tell me!

Our hands came close to touching, she said I had nice eyes...

-Brown eyes.

-And then Skroeder came in!

Oh, that bunch of male-type organs!

-Is that tuned in to Number Five?

-If he's less than 20 feet away.

Hello, bozos!

'Guys, it's Howard. If you don't return my van in 15 minutes...'

Ben Jabituya delete!

-Wait! Rethink yourself!

-Exit! Depart!

Hear my dust, Newton Crosby! Let us break wind!

Newton Crosby, no run. No talk. Drive.

Today, Crosby! Today!

Number Five!

Number Five, where are you?

All right!

-Where's Number Five?

-You control yourself just a tad!

-Hello!

-Hi!

-You kidnapped HIM?

-Kidnap! Shanghai! Hijack!

-Outstanding!

-Need input. I have questions. Queries. Posers.

-You and me both.

-Well, good!

Go up there, sit down, look at the stars and talk to each other. Get to know each other, man to man.

Beautiful stars! Better see!

"Beautiful stars! Better see!"

Are all geniuses as stupid as you?

He means it's a beautiful night. He speaks fine for a four-day-old.

OWL HOOTS

Come. Come. Input! Input!

-Ooh! Beautiful!

-Right. One more time, from the top. Who is your programmer?

Me!

You...you rewired all your switches! No wonder you're malfunctioning!

Uh-uh. Switches are MY switches. Life not malfunction. NOT malfunction. I am alive.

No, you're not. There's got to be an explanation.

OK. What?

Sorry. Time's up.

Wait a minute. I'm thinking!

It could be any number of reasons.

-Entrance of moisture into the system.

-Uh-uh.

-Vibration damage!

-No way, Jose!

-Why did you ignore your programming?

Programming says, "Destroy". Is disassemble. Make dead. Number Five cannot.

-WHY? Why cannot?

-Is wrong. Incorrect.

Newton Crosby PhD not know this?

-Of course

-I

-know it's wrong to kill! But who told YOU ?

-I

-told me!

CROSBY AND NUMBER FIVE: Pattacake, pattacake, baker's man! Bake me a cake as fast as you can!

-I brought some soup. It's getting cold.

-Thank you.

-Convinced yet?

Uh-uh.

Oh, I got one!

Here we go! Pattacake pattacake! Number Five...

What do you make of this?

Wood pulp. Plant. Vegetable. Tomato. Water. Salt. Monosodium glutamate.

OK! Thank you! Now you're talking like a robot!

And resemble... Look like... butterfly!

Bird! Maple leaf!

Where?

Here's your oscillating circuit...

Why'd you do THIS ? You shouldn't even be operating if this goes...

Let me get my other...

HUMS INNOCENTLY

I got it! Oh...!

I got it! This is it! Now, listen! There's a priest and a rabbi.

The priest draws a circle on the ground and he says "We'll throw the money in the air,

"and whatever falls outside the circle we give to charity."

The rabbi says, "No. We'll throw the money up in the air...

"and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

Hmmm.

Oh, I get it!

HE LAUGHS

Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Hee hee hee hee hee!

SNORTING LAUGHTER:

Ha ha ha ha ho-o-onk!

-Ha ha ha ha!

-What's the matter?

Ho ho ho ho ho!

-Is he laughing?

-Yeah!

-And the joke wasn't even that funny and I screwed up the punch line!

-Whatever God wants...!

-You look kind of shook up.

-Yeah! It's true!

-Spontaneous emotional response!

-I am alive, yes?

-Yeah! Yeah! Yes, you are!

-Yes! Yes! Affirmative!

Hey!

-Give me one too, Steph!

-Awww!

Whoo! Right on the sensor!

Danger! Nova!

All right, come on. Come on! Come on!

-Tell them he's alive!

-Tell THEM?

You said they'd listen to you!

You lied to me again!

WHISTLE Deploy!

Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! Deploy!

The army! The real army!

Your target is THERE, gentlemen!

Crosby! If I were you, I'd come out of there! Stat!

Jesus, these guys are really severe!

-Weapons! M-16 machine guns!

-Let me handle it. Let me handle it.

Hi, Howard!

Skroeder...

-How're you doing?

-Howard...

Number Five is here. I've got it completely under MY control.

-Another lie!

-I'm lying to them, not to you.

-It's still lying!

We're coming out now!

They're up to something! We got to fry them NOW!

Don't you DARE shoot your stupid gun!

-Where's Number Five?

-In the van.

Why don't you two just get away from the van and let us handle it?

Yes, Stephanie! Get away!

Listen! I was able to activate the voice command module!

Crosby, we're going to have to ask you to surrender the robot.

-(No!)

-Shh. Stat?

-Stat!

What does that mean, anyway?

I don't know!

But that's not the point! We need that robot! >

-I know what the malfunction is!

-Sorry, >

we can't take any more chances of losing it again!

-Howard, if you'd just...

-AGGGH!

-No! No!

-Hey, you...!

-You liars!

-Prepare to open fire!

What have you done? I'm taking over! No!

Banzai!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

He's alive!

Howard, he's alive! I can prove it!

He's going to make it!

No!

Number Five!

You want to trade? I could use that on my TV set!

Oh, my God! Get me out of here!

Magnificent! Magnificent! Now that is how you kick ass!

Years of research, down the tube.

Just doing my job, sir. You can do it somewhere else.

Are you going to be OK?

I don't think so. Not for a while.

I'm sorry you lost your job, but I'm really glad you quit Nova.

-What are you going to do?

-I dunno.

My dad left me a few acres in Montana. I hear it's beautiful.

Great idea! I say we check it out!

Hi, honey! I'm home!

-Number Five!

-Heh heh heh heh!

Quick! Pull over!

-Oh, Number Five!

-Stephanie!

-I thought they blew you up!

-Counterfeit! Facsimile! Replica!

He made a duplicate of himself from spare parts! He's a genius!

-Well... Above average!

-You are great! Outstandingly great!

-Stephanie...!

-What now?

-We'll go to Montana!

-Yeah!

He can hide out, soak up input...

-What about my animals?

-Come on...!

-Wait a minute...

-40 acres?

-Uh-huh.

-Do you like animals?

-Uh...how many animals?

I drive, you two work this out.

"JOHN WAYNE":

Yo!

-Number Five stupid name. Want to be Kevin or Dave.

-Just watch the road, OK?

Maybe...Johnny. Yeah! Johnny Five! That's cool!

Gimme five! Heh heh heh!

# Feels like I'm always gonna feel this way!

# Hearts haven't set in motion Worlds haven't turned around

# When you've been lost you know where you've been found!

# Easy to hide and live your life apart

# Easy to find new ways to kill the heart

# Now that through some changes Laughter as well as pain

# Now I can dance in sunshine or in rain!

# Come and follow me To wherever the light breaks through

# Come and follow me And you're gonna be dancing too!

# In your eyes I see That you're alive as me

# So whenever I'm lost Then I can follow you

# Too many people throw it all away

# Can't seem to take another empty day... #