The Singing Detective

This film contains strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

That the guy?

That's the guy.

-Does he get to screw her first?

-Sure.

She could be coming and going at the same time.

-What's your poison?

-A saucer of milk.

-This looks like a cat-house.

-Think of it as a kennel.

Consider it thunk.

So, how much is that doggie in the window?

Which one? A lot of mongrels in this place.

The one with the waggedy tail.

# I do hope

# That doggie's for sale

# Dee-dum... #

Crummy tune, mister, but otherwise...

Otherwise?

I'm your fluffy, little pooch.

-BARKING

-What did you say?

BARKS

-OK. So, you want to be a dog?

-No. I just wanna shit on the sidewalks.

# How much is that doggie in the window? Arf, arf!

# The one with the waggly tail. #

-TURNS RADIO OFF

-Hey! I like Patti Page!

But does she like you?

We're in business.

ENGINE STARTS

-Come on. I got ya. I got ya.

-Are you new?

Yeah. I've been dealing with you for three months.

-Close the blinds.

-I'll get the blinds in a minute if you give me a second.

Close the fucking blinds!

Little fuck.

Do you know who I am?

I'm The Singing Detective.

SNORTS

Come on, bitch. Come on. Come on, bitch.

Do something smart.

HEAVY BREATHING

Come on!

Come on, bitch! Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

Come on!

Oh, yeah!

-Yeah!

-'He panted.'

As he drove his...throbbing... into her.

WHIMPERS

Ah! Ah! Oh!

What the fuck you trying to do, tear me open?

Who is that? What is that?

My God! No! No!

SCREAMS

CONTINUES SCREAMING

# I don't want a parrot that talks

# I don't want a bowl of little fishies

# He can't take a goldfish for a walk

# How much is that doggie in the window? Woof, woof!

# The one with the waggly tail

# How much is that doggie in the window? Woof, woof!

# I do hope that doggie's for sale

That's wrong. This bit. # I do hope that doggie's for sale. #

She's my...

# Home alone

# Hey, hey, hey, hey You're home alone

# Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey You're home alone

# Hey, hey, hey, hey You're home alone

# Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

# Well, I went to my doctor not so long ago

# I'm walking in a circle, I'm all alone

# He looked at me and said, "Good lord above!" #

-Good morning. You are Mr..

-Dark.

-Daniel Dark. Extensive lesions.

-Temperature through the roof.

Difficult case. We moved him after several disruptive outbursts.

How long have you had psoriatic arthropathy?

How long? Since Pearl Harbour.

-26 years.

-Do you have much movement in your joints?

Hydrocortisone injections all major joints, including toes.

-And the history?

-Initially, coal tar and then gold injections.

Indomethacin not successful. The course is prednisone.

Lengthening PUBA not successful and methotrexate left deposits...

Oh, well, then - excuse me - much nausea? Do you vomit, yes?

Yes.

Induced neutropenia. Wart-like lesions removed with...

You're... Er, he's... You're hyperventilating.

Um, are you experiencing some kind of visual dislocations?

Mind tricks?

Yesterday, he said there was a dog in the bed, chewing his ankles.

OK. Things are not good here. Um, how do you feel about...?

Mr...Dark, how do you feel about one of the new retinoids? Hmm?

It...it wasn't my ankles. It was chewing my balls.

What I'm asking is if you understand the question.

No! I don't! Because I have regressed

into the pathetic condition of total dependency, Doc.

In short and in the vernacular, I'm a fucking kid again.

Last time I had to endure anything this demeaning was in my baby buggy.

-I was...drooled over by slobbery cretins...

-Dark.

..from the cuckoo house. Thought they were doctors and nurses.

LAUGHS

What, er... What exactly did you, er...

What did you do for a living, Mr...Dark?

What DID I do?

I'm an author.

Oh. Oh.

-I didn't realise.

-Dan Dark.

Trash that doesn't sell. Detective stories about a gumshoe who warbles.

That sounds interesting. Um, what does...

MUMBLES

-Please! Please.

-What is it?

Will you please listen?

I can't talk when I'm flat out like this. I need...

Up, to sit up, please.

You know, I'm on a very tight schedule.

ELECTRONIC BUZZING

-Listen...

-There you go.

Listen. Listen!

I'm no hero and I've reached the end.

-Of what?

-My tether.

Come on.

I'd still like to get out of it, but I can't.

Listen, I can't...I can't stand it.

I really and truly can't stand it... any more.

I can't get on top of it. I can't tell what is from what isn't

and if I don't tell someone...

If I don't admit it, I'll never get out of it.

These tears! Those fucking tears!

Oh. I'm sorry.

Ooh, the shame.

The tears. All this oozing...useless liquid.

It just hurts my...skin...my face

and...

..when I laugh it hurts my jaw. I'm a prisoner inside my...

..my own skin.

# "At The Hop" - Danny And The Juniors

# Bah, bah, bah, bah

# Bah, bah, bah, bah

# Bah, bah, bah, bah

# Bah, bah, bah, bah

# At the hop!

# Well, you can rock it, you can roll it

# You can stop and you can stroll it at the hop

# Hop, hop, hop, hop

# When the record starts a spinnin'

# You calypso when you chicken at the hop

# Hop, hop, hop, hop

# Do the dance sensation that is sweeping the nation at the hop

# Hop, hop, hop, hop

# Ah, let's go to the hop

# Let's go to the hop

-# Oh, baby

-# Let's go to the hop

-# Oh, baby

-# Let's go to the hop

# Wah, wah

# Let's go to the hop

# Well, you can swing it, you can groove it

# You can really move it at the hop

# Where the jockey is the smoothest

# And the music is the coolest at the hop

# All the cats and the chicks can get their kicks at the hop

# Let's go!

# Let's go to the hop

# Let's go to the hop

-# Oh, baby

-# Let's go to the hop

-# Oh, baby

-# Let's go to the hop

# Wah, wah

# Let's go to the hop. Let's go!

PIANO SOLO

# Bah, bah, bah, bah

# Bah, bah, bah, bah

# Bah, bah, bah, bah

# Bah, bah, bah, bah, at the hop. #

Well, there is an upside to all this pain and...

..I firmly believe that.

Good morning.

Um...he's almost over the edge.

I think that Gibbon should see him.

'Pretty Nina was full of semen, comma, and bathwater. Period.'

The pretty head that knew too much is now emptied

of its last sad, cruel thought. Period.

Lot of products.

Oh, lookie here.

Body cream.

Harem Nights.

Is it done?

-This for armpits? You beat your meat with this?

-Shut up.

-Hey.

-Shut up!

VOMITS

Ah.

Just like a dame.

Tough guys don't know Jack.

They don't know that... vomit's a kind of sick. Period.

How are we today?

Hmm. I'm not too happy.

-I don't know about him.

-What?

-Or maybe I mean you.

-What do you mean?

Well, "How are we today?"

You say we. Who's the other guy?

-It's just a way of speaking.

-Yeah, it's the medical way.

Assume loss of health means loss of brain cells.

Do you think you have a positive attitude?

LAUGHS

Don't! You crack me up.

SIGHS Well, that depends on whether

we're talking doughnuts you dunk

or black, feminist lesbians.

I'm afraid we're both, up to a point.

-You know, your illness, to a large...

-Will I be able to move

on my own three feet? Will I hold a pen or a tit again?

Never mind the rhetoric. I can get that from a doctor, Doctor.

I have seen a lot of patients who are as bad as you,

but not one of them has reacted with such aggression.

What do they do? Sing madrigals?

-They don't act like they've fallen into a sewer.

-Ah.

See, I thought you were pushing tranquillisers.

I didn't realise you had a deodorant to mind.

-You should take them, you know - the tranquillisers.

-No. No.

No. And no.

How long are you going to see your plight through a blinding hot rage?

What do you live by?

LAUGHS W-What?

Come on.

All right. It's an embarrassing question,

but surely there must be something in a time of crisis.

What do you believe in?

Genocide.

-What?

-Genocide -

starting in Los Angeles and working its way eastward.

I believe in so many things - infanticide, insecticide,

c-c-cyanide, s-s-suicide.

AIDS.

OK. All right. OK.

I put my faith in cholesterol, caffeine, nicotine,

alcohol, President Bush, carbon monoxide,

masturbation, nuclear first strike, the Reader's Digest and...

Ah! Properly labellling poisons.

-Are you done?

-But most of all, Doc,

I believe in the one good thing that hurtles out of people's mouths.

GROWLS Vomit!

Puke. The Technicolour yawn.

-Cookie dough!

-There is a good man here.

-He's new. He's very alert and sympathetic. Doctor Gibbon.

-Doctor?

Of what? Skin, joints, zoology?

-He's a psychotherapist.

-GO FUCK YOURSELF!

You will never get on top of your condition

until you deal with your bitterness.

Start over. Reassemble yourself.

Reassemble myself?

From what?

# Many a tear has to fall

# But it's all

# In the game

# All in the wonderful game

# That we know

# As love

# You have words

# With him

# And your future's

# Looking dim... #

Sorry, guys. I need five.

But you're breaking my heart.

-See you 'gators later. BAND:

-In a while, reptile.

Dan Dark.

Is it you? The guy I've waited for ever since sax invented the phone?

The big cheese with the fat contract who loves the way I tickle a tune?

-Sorry, no.

-That's right, trouble.

You're in trouble.

I heard you can help me... get results.

I get the cases the polite guys pass.

I get the jobs the guys who don't sing don't get. What's the story?

-Who's the dame?

-How do you know there's a dame?

There's always a dame.

Tell me, am I right... or am I right?

There's always a dame.

Am I right or am I right?

There's always the money, too.

Talking to yourself again?

I had on my best pyjamas with red stripes and blue forget-me-nots.

I was powdered up to the armpits with talc between each toe.

A million bucks was about to call.

I was ready for it.

I see.

High temperature again?

When she moved her lips, I felt like a tulip in the dry season

when the first raindrops smacked into it. I've decided to open up.

Boy, was I green...or do I mean wet?

GLOVES TWANG LOUDLY

-Come to grease me, did you?

-If you're ready.

-Ready as a back axle.

-OK.

Let's get these off.

-I'll try not to hurt.

-OK.

You look better.

'Oh, cock! Cock, do not crow!

'Poor cock.

'Do not stir.

'Think of something...boring.

'Something that's very, very boring.

'Oh! Quick!

'The Mormon Tabernacle Choir now brings you...

'..selections from The Sound Of Music.

'Snoopy pictures on the wall.

'Nine-grain toast with reduced sugar marmalade.

'Oh! Old baseball players!

'Pina coladas!'

-Oh.

-Sorry, is it too hard?

-Oh...fine!

It's worst of all here inside your thighs.

'Organic pizza. Bumper stickers that ask it all for Jesus.

'Worrying about whales. Oh, God!

'What about fucking baby seals? Fortune-cookie messages!

'And denim accessories.

'Oh, Muppets and puppets!'

Sorry. I'll have to lift your penis now to grease around it.

Oh!

# "Mr Sandman" - The Chordettes

# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

# Mr Sandman

-# Bring me a dream

-# Bom, bom, bom, bom

# Make him the cutest that I've ever seen

-# Bom, bom, bom, bom

-# Give him two lips

-# Like roses and clover

-# Bom, bom, bom, bom

# Then tell him that his lonesome nights are over

# Mr Sandman

-# I'm so alone

-# Bom, bom, bom, bom

# Don't have nobody to call my own

-# Bom, bom, bom, bom

-# Please turn on your magic beam

# Mr Sandman, bring me a dream

# Bom, bom, bom, bom

# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

# Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom

# Mr Sandman

# Bring me a dream

# Make him the cutest that I've ever seen

# Give him the word... #

Sorry, I'm going to have to lift your penis and grease around it.

# ..nights are over

# Mr Sandman, I'm so alone

# Don't have nobody to call my own

# Please turn on your magic beam... #

WHIMPERS

I'm so sorry.

It's the only part of me that still sort of functions.

We don't have to talk about it, do we?

No.

They say she was with me, but I swear to God...

-Swear to something you believe in, boy.

-I swear on my mother's grave.

-Nina left me unharmed.

-That her name? The whore?

-Why call her that?

Dog shit by another name smells just as foul, pal,

and it sticks to the bottom of your shoe no matter what you call it.

It's nasty. Do you want me to clean it up?

Find out what happened and prove nothing happened to her cos of me.

-But it did.

-What?

Wouldn't that be the way her mother would see it?

-Her mother?

-You just swore on your mother's grave, Mr Binney.

I'm not hiring you for a mouthful of humbug, Mr Dark!

-Argh!

-Maybe the cops are fixing a fire, Binney.

Maybe you're playing some deeper game.

-You're not a nice guy, Dark.

-Ah, but you'll pay me, Binney.

You'll pay me double for the humbug.

'Period. Part of the service. Period.

'End paragraph.'

-All right. So, er, you're gonna wait for the man, right?

-Yeah. All right.

My book.

What's it doing here?

What's going on?

Your book, Mr Dark.

-Happened to pick up a copy the other day.

-Oh, yeah?

-Where? Fertiliser factory?

-He said, out of the side of his mouth.

-Gibbon. How are you, Mr Dark?

-Can't...shake.

-Oh, yes, of course.

-I wouldn't if I could.

-I'm here under protest.

-I see.

A kidnap.

Little men shouldn't sit where their feet don't touch the floor.

It makes me think of nursery rhymes.

-You don't wanna see me?

-What sharpness(!) What perception(!)

And you don't like it at all that I've got this.

-It's full of clues.

-No. It's full of pages.

Clues are what you're supposed to find in a detective story.

Am I right or am I right?

Jesus, you're good.

I know clues are supposed to lead you to the killer but, er,

don't they reveal the victim a little more clearly?

You think you're being interesting, don't you?

If this was a movie, it would be on the cutting-room floor.

-Does your book worry you?

-I wanna go to my bed. It's vivid and exciting.

-Well, you don't have many visitors.

-Ooh.

Does your wife come and visit you or do you stop her?

-I'm not married. Period.

-Right. Yes, I see.

Stop it! Stop staring at me. Have you never seen a human pizza before?

You... You don't like women, do you?

Which ones? Young ones, old ones, fat ones, faithful ones?

-Virgins, whores? Try and be specific, Doc.

-Maybe you think you like 'em,

but, er, my guess is, you don't like sex.

How do you spell that? That's not a word you see much nowadays.

You probably think you do. Sex.

You probably think about it all the time. I know I do.

If I say fuck you, does that mean yes?

Well, isn't it clear you regard sexual intercourse with distaste,

-or...perhaps even a little fear?

-SCOFFS

What, am I trapped in here with a fruitcake?

-Here, for example, on page 116.

-This is against the Geneva Convention.

-I'll read you a passage out of your own book.

-No!

-No?

-SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

WHISTLING

# Just walking in the rain

# Getting soaking wet

# Torturing my heart

# By trying to forget...

Dad, what's wrong?

# Just a-walkin' in the rain

# So alone and blue... #

-I don't wish to upset you, Mr Dark.

-I'm just walking in the rain, Doc.

You know you need help. You're too aware of your condition to deny it.

I was just collecting raindrops.

Most chronic skin patients are on tranquillisers or antidepressants.

See, the skin is very personal.

It's, er, tempting to believe that the poisons of the mind have somehow

erupted onto the surface of the skin.

"Unclean, unclean," you shout,

ringing your leper's bell,

warding us all off. That'll destroy you.

Yes, I think you know that, or at least, part of you does.

-You can be helped.

-Yeah, with a Mickey Finn.

-Now, why mimic that stuff?

-What stuff?

The side of you mouth kinda stuff. That Mean Streets kinda stuff.

I'm sorry. What kinda stuff?

My feeling is that, er, after I've read some of your prose...

-Ho-ho. Hee-hee.

-You didn't start out to write in this way.

-What would you have preferred to have written?

-If I had the talent?

No, of course I don't mean that.

No. Go ahead. Be a critic. You got the face for it.

If you like, all right. Er, if you had the talent...?

If I had the talent, one-liners for Michael Jackson.

Two-liners for Helen Keller, if it wouldn't be stretching her too much.

Maybe traffic citations for Ted Kennedy. Who knows?

It's just one word after another.

All the problems of the world start with the next goddamn word.

-It's not incriminating.

-What isn't?

Telling me what you would prefer to write.

I'd like to praise the loving God and all his loving creation.

To have seen...

..hosts of translucent angels

ascending spinning shafts of golden light

to the deep blue caverns of heaven.

Hell, they'd all have these massive titties, wouldn't they?

Well, there is one part here

that doesn't seem to fit in with the rest. Here it is.

"Mouth - sucking wet and slack in the mouth.

"Tongue chafing against tongue.

"Limb thrusting upon limb.

"Skin rubbing at skin.

"Faces contort and stretch into a helpless leer.

"Organs spurt out smelly stains and sticky betrayals.

"This is the sweaty farce out of which we are brought into being.

"You're implicated without choice in the slippery catastrophe

-"of copulations that spatter us into existence."

-OK!

-"We are spat out of fevered loins."

-OK.

"We are the by-blows, grunts and pantings

-"in a rumpled and creaking bed."

-Sadistic quack!

"Welcome."

Yeah, the milk of paradise.

'I can taste it now.'

# "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?" - Patti Page

# How much is that doggie in the window? Woof, woof!

# The one with the waggedy tail

# How much is that doggie in the window... #

COUGHS

'The devil was alive in his eyes,

'hot with hate. I felt that ice chink against my spine.

'Hell, I was staring straight into 'em.'

-< He might see us!

-I don't think he will see.

OK.

-Let go, Betty.

-I'm just scared, is all.

What can he do? Nothing.

We're partners, anyway. It says so on the sign.

Partners in peanuts.

I'll take my piece right now.

-Don't say it like that.

-Now, you're just scared, that's all.

I love your mouth when you don't like something I say.

There's nothing to be scared of.

Nobody comes to this old barn no more...

-..except the rats.

-And you.

Hmm?

Sounds like you've been here before.

Me? What for?

Who with?

You are no good, Mark.

What about you...

..Mrs Dark?

SHRIEKS

Ohhhh...

Angel.

-Come on, bitch!

-MOANS

'Tongue chafing against tongue.

'Limb thrusting upon limb.

'Skin rubbing at skin.

'Faces contort and stretch into a helpless leer.

'Organs spurt out smelly stains and...'

LOUD BANG

Sticky betrayals.

# "Just Walking In The Rain" - Johnny Ray

# Just walking in the rain

# Getting soaking wet

# Torturing my heart

# But trying to forget

# Just walking in the rain

# So alone and blue

# All because... # He's still waving.

-Dad just kept waving.

-What?

-I said, how far is it?

-About 200 miles.

Will we like it? Los Angeles?

Mom?

It'll be dark and full of gangsters.

I'm afraid he had to be sedated.

He's been asleep most of the day.

-Poor man.

-They're trying him on a new drug.

Well, you know that, of course.

Of course.

Mr Dark?

-Your wife.

-You know what, maybe we shouldn't wake him.

They wanted to know if you came. The doctors.

They'd like to speak with you.

Well, yeah. Maybe I should speak to somebody.

-Least I won't get my head bitten off.

-Sorry?

Oh, er, if he wakes up and sees me here, you'll know what I mean.

Dan Dark, darker, darkest, kind of thing.

Actually, I'm gonna go.

I think...I shouldn't have come.

-I shouldn't even try.

-Hey.

Farewell, my lovely.

YOU BITCH!

NICOLA!

Come here, you disgusting tramp!

You two-bit slag bitch! NICOLA!

Who are you spreading your legs for now?

COME BACK HERE NOW, YOU STUPID BITCH WHORE!

Mr Dark! What do you think you're doing? Where do you think you are?

-I'm so sorry. Is there a problem?

-Yes. There's a problem.

You're the problem! Stop the yelling! It's disgusting.

You should be ashamed of yourself. You stop it at once.

-I so don't want to be disruptive.

-Good.

-I was just sort of singing.

-You were what?

# Many a tear has to fall

# But it's all in the game... #

Ah. There are mysteries.

Puzzles.

There are always things that bewilder the children, Mr Dark.

-Accept it, yes?

-Hmm. Accept the sky, accept the birds,

accept bird shit.

Hmm. Has your wife been to visit you yet?

The way you walk up and down behind me...

Are you pretending to be an oddball, or are you actually nuts?

Ah! There you are.

You're looking better.

-Uh-huh. Am I?

-Yeah. Your posture, too. Less painful.

Er, maybe.

-You know, you ought to let those neck muscles relax.

-Argh!

Forgive me, I, er...

That's why I...I just... If you could just turn your head.

You'd get fewer headaches that way.

-This is OK.

-Oh. You do, don't you? Severe ones.

There's no doubt that as a result, your perceptions are distorted.

Yeah. I can see around corners and right up your hairy little...

Not to mention that ugly temper.

MUMBLES

Hmm.

What do you think? Do you think it's time you went back to work again?

Tell me how, Doctor Do-Nothing.

I never write anything down myself. I dictate. Have you tried it?

With whom? Question mark.

Oh, there are people.

-Agencies.

-Somebody being getting to you?

-What do you mean?

-Has a certain whore of my former acquaintance

been pushing her hard little nose into my affairs?

Mr Dark... do you plan to get better?

Hmm?

Chronic illness is a shelter.

A cave in the rocks, into which a wounded spirit can safely crawl.

-Some cave.

-Oh, no. Not very comfortable. Not at all.

There are bats in it.

Squeaking rodents with wings of skin and fur,

that hang upside down, crunching beetles in their teeth.

-But you know all about that. You know about bats.

-Shut up, shrimp!

-You turned. You turned!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

I did.

Not now.

-Who was that?

-Uh?

What's that? That's progress, Mr Dark.

Who knows how far it can go?

What, from the neck down, you mean?

If you're thinking the other way around,

-if you wanna get inside my head, you better forget it.

-Oh. Good.

Wait, can't you?

-He's asleep.

-Who is?

-My boy.

-You mean you've got a kid in here?

Jesus!

Listen, doll, when I fuck, I like to make a noise, OK?

What a disgusting disease.

Gee, thanks.

-Dan?

-Sit down. Sit down. Why not?

-Keep the laughs coming.

-Who's laughing?

You are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, an exceptionally beautiful woman...

at your peak.

That sounds like a death sentence.

It is a death sentence.

Three months I've been in this fucking bed, you know that?

Where you been? Who are you? What are you? I don't know.

I hallucinate now and then. You know what?

The past, the present. They're all in that cheap old book of mine

and I didn't even know it.

-So are you, honey.

-Me?

-Uh-huh.

'Nicola.'

You are a filthy, predatory,

totally wanton bitch who was always in heat and liked to fuck.

Don't. Don't nod now. Don't nod ever.

Whatever I said, I still loved you.

Liar.

I have some things to discuss with you.

There's a film company that wants to buy the rights

to that first book.

-What?

-The Singing Detective. The one set in the fifties.

The book you've been talking about.

-They want it for Roger Rabbit, right?

-No.

They seem, um...

..keen.

Keen?

All right, what's this got to do with you?

You're broke and you haven't written a word for over a year.

Dan, I just want you to be able to support yourself.

Oh, God. I see. Baby, baby, still thinks I owe her money.

-No.

-You could work it out at, say, 500 dollars a screw.

Isn't that a top rate...for hookers?

Is it? I wouldn't know.

Who are you sleeping with at the moment?

-Myself, mostly.

-Mostly?

-Mostly.

-Mostly means not always.

Right, if you want to be precise.

Dan, you need to function.

-You just... You need to get...

-What happened to the screenplay?

-What screenplay?

-The one in my head.

What are you talking about?

That is the worst thing about a detective story - the plot.

It's the best thing, too. I mean, hell, isn't it the only thing?

You got to work it out - a rat in a maze.

-That's what I'm trying to do now.

-With a story you've already written.

-It grows.

-How, when you already know what's going to happen?

Where is it? The fucking screenplay - The Singing Detective!

-I put in in shoe boxes.

-Shoeboxes?

YES! FUCKING SHOEBOXES!

Danny.

SIGHS

What do I know?

Dan. You need to write something new.

Something real. Like this, like everything that's happening now.

-Not a silly detective story. Something real.

-All solutions.

-Well?

-All solutions and no clues, right?

Cos that's what the dumbheads want. They want a serious novel, right,

plus descriptions of the goddamn sky.

I want it the other way around - all clues, no solutions,

cos that's the way...things are.

Now...

..why do you know about this?

Why do you know? Come on!

Were you a party to the offer in the first place?

Tell me what's going on. Tell me!

TELL ME!

Paranoia, you know.

-You fucked 'em.

-Dan, stop.

Do you want my help or not?

-Do I want... Do I want you to help me?

-Well, you think on it.

-You go fuck yourself.

-OK.

I love you, too, Dan.

'Hey, Binney.

'Quote. No luck. Period.

'No good. Period.

-'He was getting very suspicious!'

-'No luck. No good.'

He's getting very suspicious.

-Try again, right?

-I don't know.

We could be sued for misrepresentation

-if he doesn't sign.

-I'll deliver.

I said I would. He still looks awful.

-Don't feel sorry for him.

-I hope it goes into his fucking bones!

You look terrific when you're mad. Like a hornet...

..drowning in the Tabasco.

That's something Dan Dark would say. You sound like Dan.

LAUGHTER

'Sorry, Charlie.'

# How much is that doggie in the window?

# The one with the waggedy tail

# How much is... #

# "Poison Ivy" - The Coasters

# She comes on like a rose

# But everybody knows

# She'll get you in Dutch

# You can look but you better not touch

# Poison ivy...

'There are songs to sing and feelings to feel.

'There are thoughts to think. We can't do three things at once.'

# ..Arou-ou-ou-ound... #

'Singing's easy. Sugar on the tongue. Thinking comes with the tune.

'That leaves only feelings. You're not gonna catch me...

'feeling feelings.'

# If you let her get under your skin

# Poison ivy...

Watch the light, dickhead.

# Late at night while you're sleepin'

# Poison ivy comes a creepin' arou-ou-ou-ou-ound

# Measles make you bumpy and mumps will make you lumpy

# And chickenpox will make you jump and twitch

The guy's a sitting duck. Why here? What's the sense?

J Edgar H prefers a different kind of tune. What does it matter?

-But I don't like it.

-Stick to Patti Page, huh?

'Up there with the lights. It's the goons. Watch yourself.

'Watch!' # The minute you start to mess... #

SCREAMING

-How's it going?

-Halfway there.

Halfway to a million bucks.

Disdain. Period.

-I have some nice things, if that's what you mean.

-Nice? How? Expensive.

Our tastes are different.

You're more at home in...bars and sleazy dancehalls.

Oh, and the occasional rotary dinner and state prison dance,

where I don't leave my hat.

-Pardon?

-That's how the cops got onto you, Binney.

You left your fedora on the bar when you picked up that whore.

Binney.

-Money, money, money.

-What about it?

-You got a lot?

-I do all right.

-What at, I'm wondering?

-I buy.

-I sell.

-So do second-hand rooms.

What do you buy? What do you sell?

-That's my business.

-Naked flesh?

-What?

-Oh, yeah. That's what you buy. That's what you sell.

That's ridiculous. I deal in antiques...

The only antiques are some of the distinguished gentlemen

-you service with young girls.

-Are you calling me a pimp?

Yes. You don't mind, do you?

You're a fantasist, Dark.

-Get out. Don't let me see you again.

-What about my fee?

-Fee? What fee?

It took me five days between my syncopations to figure out

that you set up that poor girl, Nina. Why, I say to myself, why?

-Just get out.

-Know what I think?

-She was killed right here in this museum.

-You're crazy.

The cops can be bought and sold, too. Put it back in the drawer.

-What?

-Put it back in the drawer,

or you'll get a hole in your head where the wind from your ass can go.

You really are crazy.

-You're out of your cheap little mind.

-Sure.

Do it. I've been shot at once tonight. That's once too often.

OK. OK.

Argh!

Nina - she wasn't one of your commodities, but her friend was.

That girl they scraped up under the Hollywood sign! Cops said she jumped.

-It was your pals.

-Pals?

Your pals thought she passed something to Nina. Take no chances.

Not with you. Am I right or am I right?

-Now they want me, you slimy slug!

-Argh!

Go on.

Go on, I enjoy cheap fiction.

Me? No. I'm no longer in your employ.

Fee? What fee? You hired me to find out about Nina when you already knew.

Why? I'll figure it out.

-And...

-And?

I sing for people who dance, Binney.

Name your tune, I'll warble it. But when you dance,

-your feet won't be touching the floor.

-You're cheap, Dark.

Ten cents a dance.

WHISTLES

Mr Dark?

That's my handle. I was born at daybreak.

-I wanna talk.

-You followed me to make sure I wasn't followed. I was.

Stay back. Keep out of sight.

Meet me at the Laguna in a half an hour.

Little fool. GUNSHOT

GROANS I warned you.

I told you, baby.

Aw, gee. Silly.

Poor little thing.

Parlo.

What? You mean the Parlo atomic laboratory? It's in LA.

Binney. Mark...Binney.

He's providing them with girls.

Right? Girls like you.

Nina?

-They're rats.

-They're getting to the atomic scientists!

Yes? At Parlo?

Using sex.

Sex.

Sex.

Sex.

I'll get ya.

Bastards.

Whoever you are and whatever you are.

SOBS

You're buffeted by this, by that, and it's nothing to do with you.

Someone you love dies or leaves and you get ill, or you get better,

and the whole time, everywhere, there's a canopy stretching over it.

What canopy?

Fate. Things as they are - irrational...

..impersonal. The rain falls, the sun shines, the wind blows

and if you're out there, then that's it.

-Accident?

-Call it what you like. There's damn all you can do about it.

Well, physically, you're on the up.

Well, now we have a firm grasp of the obvious.

Why do you still feel so disappointed in things as they are?

"Things as they are" are no concern of mine.

You object to the use of the word "things"?

-There's a lot of words I don't like.

-Such as?

-Decaffeinated.

-Huh.

-Another.

-Oh. Good, good, good.

-Are you into word games?

-Yeah. Word games. I throw you a word...

-I come back with another word.

-That you associate...

Wait, wait, wait. We gotta agree in advance, it's meaningless. Please.

-There's no diagnostic value in it.

-Fine.

-Judge.

-Er, scandal.

-Scandals.

-Wait.

-Tables.

-Restaurant.

Gastroenteritis.

-Honey.

-Comb.

-Blonde.

-Honey.

-Money.

-Shit.

-You.

-Me.

-Me.

-Tarzan.

-Jungle.

-Manhattan.

-Mother.

-Baghdad.

-Arms.

-Hands.

-Clap.

-Promiscuity.

-Free.

-Gift.

-Giver.

-Sucker.

-Mouth.

-Fangs.

-Wolf.

-Whistle.

-Scream.

-Silence.

-Young.

-Green.

-Old.

-M-M-M-M-Mick Jagger.

-Rock.

-Cradle.

-Crash.

-Dream.

-Wake.

-Sleep.

-Lie.

-Tale.

-Writer.

-Liar.

-Sentence.

-Prison.

-Cage.

-Barn.

-Mother.

-Murder.

-Love.

-Fraud.

-Passion.

-Pretence.

-Woman.

-Fuck!

-Fuck.

-Dirt!

-Dirt.

-Death!

-Dark.

-STOP!

This game...

It's just words, right?

-That's what we agreed - no diagnostic value.

-Just words.

# Important words

# Let me lie

# They say

# Say

# I love you

# Important words

# That's all I've got

# They say

# Say

# I love you...

I'll do whatever you want.

You just have to tell me.

SCREAMS

-'Love.'

-'Fraud.'

-'Passion.'

-'Pretence.'

-'Woman.'

-'Fuck!'

-'Fuck.''Dirt.'

Death. # Since we first held hands

# Important words

# They say I love you... Mom?

Go back to bed.

# Say

-Go.

-# I do. #

Why, Mom, why?

Why what?

Why are we here?

-No place else to go.

-Did Dad need to go?

-No, Danny.

-Did he?

-It was no good there,

and I...I did something wrong.

It's no good here.

I didn't think it would be like this, but...

We've gotta go back.

No.

Why not? Why not?

It won't always be like this. No, I want you to listen.

I've got to get a job,

-but I will...

-Mom, you're lying!

BOTH SHOUT

-Will you stop it?

-Ah!

Don't pinch me there.

It makes me sore.

What?

What?

How did you do that?

You hurt yourself or what?

I don't know.

It's not very legible and it hurts.

For the first time,

I have to think about the value of every little word.

It's just... Oh, it's dangerous.

-It is? Why?

-Well, it cuts most of the jobs a writer would get.

You have to think about the value of the worst Hollywood rewrites.

-Let's see how you're doing here.

-Memory.

-Memory.

Upward strokes and downward slopes.

What's this? Comma curls.

"Making me hold..." Yeah. I can read it.

-Making you hold what?

-My breath.

Words make me hold my breath.

-Do they now?

-Uh-huh. And that's what you're gonna say.

Who knows where they've been?

-We're getting a little heavy here, aren't we?

-What made you say that?

-What do you mean?

-I wrote that down.

Quote. Getting a little heavy. Comma. Aren't we? Question mark. Unquote.

If I did...

No. Doesn't matter.

Ah, well... Um, keep at it.

Quote. Well. Dash. Keep at it.

Exclamation mark. She smiled. Comma.

Turned away. Dot.

Oh. Not enough page.

Stop.

Finish. Period.

He's dead. Period.

Out of it. Period.

That's it. All done.

Great.

I like that.

Now Dan Dark's old script is in the machine.

Minus his name.

We can run off as many copies as we need.

We can tinker with it a little while.

And now we deliver it.

MOANING AND GROANING

Must get Dark to sign the rights to my company. That's essential.

-Move forward a bit.

-Is that better?

-Yeah. Oh, that's fine.

OK. One - he signs with me.

-Two -

-GROANS

I sell it on. I mean, we.

We sell it on to Mail Pouch films.

And three...

..net profit -

-one million.

-BOTH MOAN

-'That's funny.'

-'One of the plus points.'

-'But he's gotta sign.'

-MUTUAL MOANING CONTINUES

Don't worry. I can get him to do...

..anything!

Oh, yeah! Oh, oh, oh!

Good girl! Oh!

Hmm.

Hello.

-Hey.

-Hey. I was just thinking about you.

-Really?

-Uh-huh.

-What were you thinking about me?

-I was thinking you look terrific.

So do you. You look better.

-Don't, Dan.

-Don't what?

-Look at me like that.

-Like what?

-Like I'm your enemy.

-You're involved in something.

-Same old Danny.

-It probably has something to do with my money.

-You haven't got any money.

-No.

Not in cash, maybe.

Not in good old-fashioned foldable, chewable lettuce, nor in coins.

Nothing to go chink-chink in my pocket, but I have assets.

-Like what?

-My four detective stories.

-Yeah...?

-No, three of which are out of print. And the screenplay.

-What screenplay?

-Bingo!

-Fucking bingo!

-Danny, please.

-You gotta fill me in. What are you talking about?

-With my own hands,

these dead fucking chicken feet, I wrote it six years ago.

-Danny, what screenplay?

-What screenplay? The Singing Detective!

That's what!

-Danny.

-I put it up in the shoeboxes and I put it in the closet.

Oh, that!

-Oh!

-Yes, that!

Wait a minute.

-If it's the pages I think you mean, you threw them out ages ago.

-No.

-Yes!

-No. I didn't throw them out.

Dan, yes you did! You threw them out. You said it was garbage.

What are you doing?

Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

Was that the only copy?

Of course.

-Did I squeeze it? Does it hurt?

-My heart, you mean?

-You are improving, though, you know.

-Except I'm going crazy.

-Hey now.

OK.

I lie here and make these connections between cheap old detective stories

and my cheap little...

SIGHS

-Sex.

-Yes. I know the word.

Y'know, that's what the whole thing is about - my book, my life.

It's about sex. Sex and lies.

I wanna sleep with you again.

-Dan...

-I'd do it with a mirror alongside.

Oh, stop.

So I could look over at myself while I'm fucking and just leer.

Damn right. It's coming up in me - the old joy juice.

I'd flip it over to one side and come off your gleaming loins, honey,

and just spit right in my own face.

Oh, my God.

-Well, it's improving.

-What is?

The spitting at myself.

Couple of days ago, my idea of true bliss would have been...

-..spitting in your face.

-Dan.

What are you going to do about this rage, this hatred you have?

What if I just write serious literature?

Just piss in the wind like poets and priests do. Who are they?

-Who are those two?

-Who is who?

G-G-Go to the window.

No, I don't see anything. What is the matter?

-Paranoia.

-Thank you.

Baby, I'm so paranoid.

You've got everything going for you, haven't you?

I'm telling you, people are beginning to notice us.

-You see, they're looking at us.

-They're all sick in here, anyway.

-Are you sure that's him with the...

-The nurse said so.

Maybe we should have brought flowers or grapes.

-What for?

-Less conspicuous.

-Are we gonna waste him, whack him? What?

-Not when that dame's there.

-We gotta make him sing.

-Another song?

-Shut up!

Talk, I mean! Tell us what we're doing here.

I'm sick of standing around like a dummy. Are we Feds or aren't we?

-No, we're just a couple of hoods.

-Shut up!

-Do you need any help?

Um, do we?

Er, thank you, Miss. No.

Um, we have seen all that we wish to see

and our report will be... arriving... Let's go!

Hey!

What are you doing here?

# Now when I get the blues, I get me a rocking chair

# When I get the blues, I get me a rocking chair

# Well, if the blues overtake me, gonna rock right away from here

# Now, flip, flop and fly

# I don't care if I die

# Now, flip, flop and fly

# I don't care if I die... #

Where are you? Lost?

-I have a confession to make.

-Uh-huh.

-I know more about that movie offer than I implied.

-Come clean.

I...

I went, um, to your apartment, just to check it out,

because you'd been in here so long. Er...

First of all, Dan, the way that you live is unbelievable.

-The plants, they're all dead.

-Good. I hope they suffered.

There is mould on every single living thing.

-Who goes away and leaves Camembert on the table?

-You open my mail?

-Yes, I did. Just the bills and...

-You opened my mail.

-..this one letter.

-Don't worry about them, worry about the mould.

-Anyway, this production...

-It's about The Singing Detective.

-Well, yes. It's from this producer, Finney.

-Binney.

-Finney.

-Finney with an F?

-Yes.

-Finney with an F, not a B?

-Right.

-Not a B. Cos you know him.

-I've never heard of him.

-In what context have you never heard of him?

-Danny, why are you so...?

-Where's the letter?

-Forget it.

-He checks out?

-Well, for what it's worth.

-Would I get some dough up front?

-So it says.

-How much?

-40 grand.

-Oh, shit!

-But that's for the rights?

-Right.

-Who's gonna do the screenplay?

-The producer, Finney, apparently.

-Why?

Why? All these guys, they think they can write -

every busy little schmuck that can hold a pen the right way up.

-Just take the money and run.

-Oh, I...OK.

-It's a good story, though.

-Hmm.

When it stays on the page.

Uh-huh.

More connections.

-Connections.

-Connections.

BOTH PANT

Oh, God!

-Oh, we shouldn't have run.

-No choice.

-Where the fuck is this?

-Why here?

What are we doing here? Jeez! Look at that sun.

-That is the sun, right?

-It's a big fucking moon if it isn't!

What is going on? What's going on?

EAGLE SCREECHES

GUNSHOTS

What are we gonna do?

Hey.

There's your building over there. Way over there.

"Chew Mail Pouch Tobacco."

Oh, no. I hate that stuff. It gets in my throat.

Maybe what we're looking for is in that building.

Oh, yeah, yeah! Oh, what are we looking for?

I don't know.

'Nor me.'

Nor me.

# People see us everywhere

# They think you really care

# But myself I can't deceive

# I know it's only

# Make-believe

# My one and only prayer

# Is that some day you'll care

# My hopes, my dreams come true

# My one and only you

# No-one will ever know

# How much I love you so

# My only prayer will be

# Some day you'll care for me

# But it's only

# Make

# Believe. #

Hey, sonny.

Tough guys don't cry.

I know that, sir.

Can't now separate in my mind

the bus that took my mom and me to LA from the one that brought us back.

Brought me back.

I still dream about it.

But I'm getting there. My head's getting there.

What happened to your mom?

She killed herself.

How?

In the river. In the river.

I, er...

-Is that really what happened?

-What?

-Now, now.

"Now, now"? Wait. Excuse me. What?

We have a woman drowned in a bathtub

-and thrown in the river in your story.

-So? What about it?

Sometimes a cigar's just a cigar.

I'm a bit surprised that you can duplicate such a traumatic event...

-In what? In a commercial piece of trash?

-I didn't say that.

Dan, I read you part of your book to illustrate a point to you.

That book... There were things in that book, Doc,

-that are reaching out to grab me by the throat.

-Why don't you let them?

Why? Why?

Let them.

Me - I'm in that book and I didn't even know it.

Yeah.

I didn't kill my mother.

I can't imagine that anyone would ever suggest that you did.

You know, when I was a, er, boy...

-Long ago and far away.

-No.

Here, now.

I saw my mother with a greaseball who worked for my father.

A...a partner.

This service station in the desert that was never really viable.

Dark And Binney. Shit, they were screwing.

You know, noises, him on top of her. Kiss-kiss, bang-bang - all that.

I don't know, maybe she would have gotten away with it. Maybe it was...

My dad was a hard sort of guy to talk to. You know, he was good.

You know, but as a kid, I couldn't seem to get close.

He was good with engines... anything under the hood.

He was just... He was quiet. He was just too quiet.

I wanted to get closer.

Oh, I mean, maybe I wasn't the kind of kid

he would have wanted, you know.

Reading, off on my own.

Locked in.

A little pain in the ass...kid.

I wanted to get closer...and I, I...

So, you told him about her?

I traded her in. I traded her in for a pat on the head.

-No. No.

-I got beat instead and so did she.

He just hit her from one side of the room to the other. We went...

..to LA.

But by then, I think my pa's rage had cooled down.

I don't think he wanted us to go. I remember him waving.

I remember him waving to us as the bus went away.

SOBS Away.

My mom couldn't get a job. It was just...

She started bringing men home.

I remember these cracks... these cracks in the ceiling.

I remember these cracks...

All right.

-Stand up.

-What?

You can. You can do it.

-You really think so?

-It's now or never.

Yes. Yes. CLEARS THROAT

How many steps to heaven, Doc?

-Ah, metaphysics.

-Music.

# "Three Steps To Heaven" - Eddie Cochran

Try again. Take your time.

I'm sorry. How many steps? MUSIC RESTARTS

MIMES: # Now there

# Are three steps to heaven

# Just listen

# And you will plainly see

# And as life travels on

# And things do go wrong

-# Just follow

-# Three steps to heaven

-# Steps one, two and three

-# Three steps to heaven

# Step one

# You find a girl to love

# Step two

# She falls in love with you

# Step three, you kiss and hold her tightly

-# Yeah, that sure

-# Three steps to heaven

-# Seems like heaven to me

-# Three steps to heaven