The Sword in the Stone

# A legend is sung Of when England was young

# And knights were brave and bold

# The good King had died And no-one could decide

# Who was rightful heir To the throne

# It seemed that the land Would be torn by war

# Or saved by a miracle alone

# And that miracle appeared

# In London Town

# The sword in the stone #

'And below the hilt, in letters of gold,

were written these words.'

'"Whoso pulleth out this sword of this stone and anvil

is rightwise king born of England."'

'Though many tried for the sword,

none could move the sword, nor stir it.'

'So the miracle had not worked.'

'England was still without a king.'

'And in time the marvellous sword was forgotten.'

'This was a dark age, without law and without order.'

'Men lived in fear of one another.'

'For the strong preyed upon the weak.'

(EERIE WILDLIFE CHATTER)

(CHINKING)

A dark age indeed.

Age of inconvenience.

(GRUNTS OF EXERTION) No plumbing.

(GRUNTS) No electricity.

No... nothing.

Argh!

(WATERY ECHO) Oh, hang it all.

(COUGHS) Hang it all.

(COUGHS & SPLUTTERS)

Now what?! (CHAINS JANGLE)

Leave off, leave off.

Oh, you, you fiendish chain, you.

Everything complicated.

One big medieval mess. (DOOR SLAMS)

(EXPERIMENT BUBBLES)

(CLEARS THROAT) Now, er, let me see.

Erm, he should be here in, er, half an hour.

Hoo? Hoo?!

(ECHO) I'd like to know hoo.

I told you, Archimedes, I'm not sure.

All I know is that someone is coming. Someone important.

(EXASPERATED) Oh, pinfeathers!

Fate will direct him to me so I may guide him

to his rightful place in the world.

Huh! You say he will arrive in half an hour?

Hah. Well, we'll just see.

And you will, Archimedes, you will.

Ow!

He'll be, erm, a boy. Small boy.

Er, 11, 12 years old, er,...

..and, er, scrawny little fella.

Er, yeah...

Oh, no, no, that can't be the one. That big lad must be close on to 20.

Ah. (LAUGHS) There he is.

Scrawny little fellow of about 12.

He's a regular little grasshopper.

Look at him go. (GIGGLES)

And where would you guess he is at this very moment?

-I am not guessing, Archimedes. I

-know

-where he is.

Er, less than a mile from here. Just beyond the forest.

And right on schedule, if-if all goes well.

-(BRANCH CREAKS)

-Quiet, Wart.

I'm trying to be.

Nobody asked you to come along in the first place.

I'm not even moving.

(HUSHED) Shut up!

A-ha! Here we go.

Oh, what a set up. Right smack through the old gizzard.

(CREAKS)

Whoa!

Why, you clumsy little fool!

Please, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Please.

If I ever... Ergh!

If I ever get my hands on you I'll wring your neck,

so help me, I will.

I'll get there, OK? I'm sure I can find it.

Huh!

(MEAN LAUGH) Don't tell me you're going in there.

Why, it's swarming with wolves.

I'm not afraid.

Go ahead. It's your skin, not mine. Go on, go on.

(CRUNCHY MUNCHING)

Urgh!

Urgh...

There it is, oh, there it is.

Oh...

(GULPS)

Whoa!

(COUGHS & SPLUTTERS)

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

So, you did drop in for tea after all. Heh-heh-heh!

Oh, you are a bit late, you know.

Oh, I am?

Now,... (CLEARS THROAT) my name is Merlin.

Come, come, who are you, my lad?

Arthur, but everyone calls me Wart.

Oh.

What a perfect stuffed owl!

(CHOKES) Stuffed?! I-I beg your pardon?

He's alive and he talks.

And certainly a great deal better than you do.

Oh, come, Archimedes, come, come now.

I want you to meet the Wart.

You must forgive him, he's only a boy.

Boy, boy? I see no boy.

I'm sorry I caused -

That's alright. He's much too sensitive.

Sensitive, huh? Hoo? What, what?

(LAUGHS)

How did you know I -

That you would be dropping in?

Well, I happen to be a wizard,

a soothsayer, a prognosticator.

I have the power to see into the future.

Centuries into the future.

I've even been there. And I've seen all these things.

They're only plans and small models, of course.

This, for instance, is a steam locomotive.

Heh-heh! There she goes.

Ha-ha! Pretty good, hey?

That won't be invented for 100s of years.

Oh, you can see everything before it happens?

Yes. Everything.

Ah-ah-ah. Everything, Merlin?

Er, no, no, not everything.

-I admit I didn't know

-whom

-to expect for tea,

but, as you can see, I figured the exact place.

You're very clever, sir.

Yes. Well, never mind the... sir.

Just, er, plain Merlin will do.

Now, would you care for sugar?

Oh, yes, I would, please.

Alright. Sugar! Sugar!

No. Manners, manners, manners. Guests first. You know that.

Alright. Say when, lad.

When.

Have you had any schooling?

(MUFFLED) Yes.

I'm training to be a squire. I'm learning combat,

swordsmanship, jousting, and horsemanship.

Oh, yes, yes, very good. That's...

No! No! I mean a real education. Mathematics, history, biology,

natural science, English,

Latin, French... (COUGHS) No! When, when!

Blast it all. WHEN!

Impudent piece of crockery. (MUTTERS CROSSLY)

Boy,

now you can't...

You can't grow up without a decent education.

I suppose not, sir... Merlin.

So, I am going to be your tutor.

I've gotta get back to the castle. They'll want me in the kitchen.

Oh... Very well.

We'll pack and be on our way.

You watch now, you'll like this.

(MUSIC STARTS)

# Higitus, figitus, zumba ka zing

# I want your attention, everything

# We're packing to leave Come on, let's go

# No, no, not you Books are always first, you know

# Hockety, pockety, wockety, wack Abra cabra dabra nack

# Shrink in size, very small

# We've got to save Enough room for all

# Higitus, figuitus, migitus, mum Prestidigitonium!

# Alica fez, balica zez Malaca mez, meripides

# Hockety pockety... # Whoa!

(MUSIC STOPS / CROCKERY CLATTERS)

Now, stop, stop.

Sugar Boy, you're getting rough. That tea set is cracked enough.

(CLATTERS)

Alright, let's start again. Er,... er, oh, where was I, boy?

Er... Hockety pockety?

Oh, yes.

# Hockety pockety, wockety wack Odds and ends and bric-a-brac... #

Be with you in just a minute, son. The packing's almost done.

(MUFFLED)

You... You bungling blockhead!

Hey, easy there. No, no, go ahead.

# Dum, doodly, doodly Doodly dum... #

This is the best part.

# Higitus, figitus, migitus mum Prestidigitonium

# Higitus, figitus, migitus, mum Prestidigitonium! #

Ha-ha!

(AWED) What a way to pack.

(LAUGHS) Well...

Just a minute. How else'd you get all this stuff in one suitcase?

I think it's wonderful!

Yes, it is rather. (LAUGHS)

Hee-hee... Er, don't you get any foolish ideas

-that magic will solve all your problems.

-It

-won't.

But, sir, I don't have problems.

Oh, bah! Everybody's got problems. The world is full of problems.

Oh, blast it all. There, you see what I mean.

Gargh! Ooh!

That's the trouble with the world today.

Everybody butting their heads against a brick wall.

All muscle and no mentality.

Do you want to be all muscle and no brain?

I don't have any muscle.

You don't?! How do you move about?

I suppose I do have a little.

There, that's enough.

Knowledge and wisdom.

There's the real power. Higher learning, that's the thing.

(WHIMPERS)

Tomorrow we'll start a full schedule, eight hours a day.

Six hours for school room and two for study period.

But I... Ooh!

I don't have time. I have page duties.

Page duties? Hah!

(WHIMPERS)

We'll change that. There's got to be a shake-up.

Well, yes, sir, I suppose so.

How can you amount to anything without an education?

Even in these backward medieval times,

you have got to know where you're going, don't you?

Y-yes, sir.

So, you must plan for the future, boy.

You've got to find a direction, and you've...

What direction is this castle of yours?

I think it's north, the other way.

Oh, oh...

(MUTTERS)

Alright, we'd better get a move on. Pick up the pace.

(EXHAUSTED PANTS)

(WHEEZES)

(GASPS)

Drrrrr!

The devil take it. The devil take it.

Anyone's got better sense than to go barging off in that forest alone.

You had no business letting him go.

Look, Dad, I'm not the Wart's (GULPS) keeper.

Well, I am. I took him in, adopted him you might say.

As his foster father I'm responsible.

(DOGS BARK EXCITEDLY)

Tiger, Talbot, off with you.

What's the big idea, gallivanting in the woods,

worrying the living daylights out of us?

Sorry.

Sorry's not enough. Four demerits.

Four hours extra kitchen duty. Report to the cook!

-But, sir, I'd like you to meet -

-Go on. Hop, hop, hop it!

You've got to keep a tight schedule to run this place.

Needs strict rules, especially for small boys.

And I most certainly agree.

WHO ARE YOU?! And,... oh, I mean, you?

My name is Merlin.

This is Archimedes, a highly-educated owl.

(COUGHS)

Educated owl? That's a good one. (HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER)

Say, I know, you've got him under a spell, Marvin.

You're a magician.

The name is Merlin.

And I happen to be the world's most powerful wizard.

(LAUGHS) Come off it, man. Gadzooks!

Alright, I shall demonstrate.

Higitus, figitus, migitus, moe.

Wind and snow, swirl and blow!

What the devil are you up to?

(LAUGHS) I call that a wizard blizzard.

(LAUGHS) Kay, would you look at this!

An indoor blizzard, and in the month of July.

So, what?

Alright, Marvin, turn her off. Brrrr! I'm convinced.

Alakazam!

I hope you don't go in for any of that black magic.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Never touch the stuff.

No, my magic is used mainly for educational purposes.

In fact, that is why I am here.

I have come to educate the Wart.

Oh, no, you don't. I'm running this place.

If you think you can fiddle with my schedule,

pack up your bag of tricks and go!

Poof!

Well, by Jove. Kay, he's gone.

(GULPS) Good riddance.

'I'm gone, but then I'm not gone. (LAUGHS)'

-'So, if I

-do

-leave, you can never be sure that I

-am

-gone, can you?'

Well, er... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

I must say you've got me there, Marvin.

You win. You're welcome to stay, if you like.

Thank you. You're very kind, very generous, I must say.

Well, all we can offer is room and board.

Hard times, you know, Marvin.

We'll put you in the northwest tower - the guest room.

It's draughty in winter,

but in this hot weather it's the best room.

Ooh, yes, very lovely indeed.

So, just make yourself at home, Marvin.

(FADING INTO DISTANCE) Marvin! Marvin, Marvin, Marvin.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Best room in the house(!) (GRUNTS)

Guest room? Unwelcome-guest room.

But if he thinks he can get rid of me,

I've got news for that old walrus. I'm sticking it out.

And I say we go back to the woods.

Oh, not on your life.

That boy's got to have an education. He has a future.

You may be right.

A skinny kid like that'd make a good chimney sweep. (LAUGHS)

(SPLUTTERS & COUGHS)

Ha-ha! Something tells me you're all wet.

Archimedes...

(HORN BLOWS)

(HORSE WHINNIES & GALLOPING HOOVES)

(HORN)

Who goes there?

Pelinore. It's Pelinore, dash it all.

I've got big news from London. Big news.

Come on, man, drop the bridge.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Oh, big news, eh?

They can't wait for the London Times.

First edition won't be out for at least... 1200 years.

Archimedes, would you mind sailing down there and -

(ECHOES) Not interested.

Oh, come, come now. You're as wet as you can get.

NO! No, no, no!

Archimedes, I'll turn you into a human.

Hmm! You wouldn't dare.

I will. So help me I will.

Well, alright, alright, alright.

(LAUGHS) Alright. Works every time. Just like magic.

Pelinore! (LAUGHS HEARTILY)

Pelinore! Ha! Greetings, old boy!

What's all the noise about London?

Big news. Really big news.

Sit down, man, and let's hear all about it.

They're having a big tournament New Year's Day.

That's not news, dash it all. They always do.

But Ector, here's where all the excitement comes in. (SNIFFS)

To the winner of this tournament goes the crown.

(CHOKES & SPLUTTERS)

You... You... You mean King of all England?

King of all England. (SNIFFS)

Kay, lad, did you hear that?

Ha, ha, pretty fair prize.

You can win it, if you knuckle down to your training.

We'll have you knighted by Christmas and off to London. Well?

Sure. Why not? Why not?

Wart, how'd you like to go to London?

Oh, Sir Ector, you mean it?

If you work hard you can be Kay's squire.

Oh, I will, sir.

(CLATTERING CROCKERY)

(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't want the Wart for my squire.

Here's to London! And here's to Kay.

Here's to the banner of the Castle of the Forest Sauvage. Cheers!

(COCK CROWS)

CHARGE!

Weight forward. Lean into it. Steady, boy. Steady.

Steady with the lance.

Grip her tight. Hit him clean.

No! No!

HEADS UP!

Archimedes, where,... where... Where are we?

(ECHOES) In a tower

in the most miserable castle in all Christendom, that's where.

Cah... Castle? Castle?

Don't you even remember the boy?

(YAWNS) Er, boy?

(DISTANT) Can't you remember anything?

Just a moment, I -

-Tight grip on the lance.

-Oh.

Loose in the saddle, knees in tight.

Weight forward, and stay on target.

(HORSE WHINNIES)

You keep losing your grip.

It's not a mere matter of muscle, son.

Jousting is a... a fine skill. It's a highly-developed science.

Ha, ha, ha, science indeed.

One dummy tries to knock off another with a bit of a stick.

And the Wart's just as hot for it as them.

He certainly is. He's got real spark. Spirit!

Throws himself heart and soul into everything.

That's worth something, if it can be turned in the right direction.

Ha! Ha! Fat chance of that.

Oh, I plan to cheat, of course. Use magic.

Every last trick in the trade if I have to.

I'd give anything to go riding about on a great white charger.

Slaying dragons and griffins and man-eating giants.

(LAUGHS) Well, er, won't you?

Oh, no.

I'm an orphan. A knight must be of proper birth.

I hope I'm worthy to be Kay's squire.

That's... a big job, too.

Oh, indeed. Yes, yes, I would say almost impossible.

(GIGGLES) Yes, well...

-When I said I could swim

-like

-a fish,

-I really meant

-as

-a fish.

You mean, you can turn yourself into a fish?

After all, I happen to be a wizard.

-Could you turn

-me

-into a fish?

Do you have the imagination to imagine yourself as a fish?

That's easy. I've done that lots of times.

Oh... Well, good. Then I think my magic can do the rest.

Er...

Archimedes, what is that fish forumula?

(YAWNS)

Hoo? Hoo? What, what?

That Latin business.

Mmm? Fish? Latin?

Oh, er... Aquarius. Aquaticus. Aqualitus.

And... now, if you don't mind,

I'll say good day to the both of you, if you please.

(When he stays out all night he's always grumpy the next day.)

(SNIGGERS) He must stay out every night.

Yes...

Oh! Ho-ho! Yes! Oh, I say, that's very good, boy.

-(CHORTLES)

-Hoo? What? What?

Alright, boy, all set? Here we go.

Aquarius, aquaticus, aqualitus, qwum! Aqua-digi-tonium!

Merlin, am I a fish? Am I a fish?

Yes, yes, yes. You are a fish.

But stop that flippity floppin' and get in the water,

or you won't last long.

Dooh!

Now, stay right here in the tules, and I'll be with you in a minute.

(LAUGHS) So, you thought you could take right off like a shot?

Well, I am a fish, aren't I?

You merely look like a fish.

Doesn't mean you can swim like one. You don't have the instinct.

So, you'll have to use your brain for a change.

You are living between two planes, somewhere between the ceiling...

..and the floor.

Now, lots of ups and downs, like, er,... like a helicopter.

A helicopter?

Yes. It's... Oh, never mind.

Every flick of a fin creates movement.

So, first we'll start with the caudal fin.

No, no, use your tail, tail!

That gives you the forward thrust.

Come on, let's get a rhythm. Right, left, right, left. One, two.

# Left and right Like day and night

# That's what makes The world go round

# In and out Thin and stout

# That's what makes The world go round

# For every up, there is a down

# For every square

-There is a round?

-Yes.

-# For every high

-There is a low?

-Uh-huh.

# And for every to

-There is a...

-Fro.

-Fro?

-Yes, fro.

# To and fro, stop and go That's what makes the world go round

# In and out, thin and stout

Merlin, Merlin, I swallowed a bug.

(LAUGHS) What's wrong with that? After all, you are a fish.

Instinct, you know.

But you said I had no instinct.

Yes. Ah... Oh. Oh, I did?

That's neither here nor there. The main thing is you must...

# Set your sights upon the heights Don't be a mediocrity

Mediocrity?

Right.

# Don't just wait and trust to fate

# And say that's how It's meant to be

# It's up to you how far you go

# If you don't try you'll never know

# And so, my lad, as I've explained

# Nothing ventured, nothing gained

(HUMS MERRILY)

(CHUCKLES & GIGGLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Let's swim through that tall grass again. It tickles.

(BOTH LAUGH RIOTOUSLY)

Oh, I beg your pardon.

(LAUGHS) Me, too.

# For every to there is a fro

# For every stop there is a go

# And that's what makes The world go round - #

Ooh, let go, let go, let...

Oh, you big bug-eyed bully, you.

Who, me?

Oh. Here, here, here, boy.

No sense going round insulting bullfrogs.

(RIBBITS)

A fish has plenty of other problems.

The water world has its forests and jungles.

So it has its tigers and its wolves.

And... that's what makes the world go round.

# You see, my boy it's nature's way

# Upon the weak the strong ones prey

# In human life, it's also true

(GASPS)

# The strong will try to conquer you

# And that is what you must expect

# Unless you use your intellect

# Brains and brawn

(GASPS)

Help, Merlin, help!

Urgh... Je-hoshaphat!

Oh!

Quick, Merlin, the magic.

No, you're on your own. Now's your chance to prove my point.

What point? (GASPS)

He's the brawn and you're the brain. Don't panic!

Use your head. Outsmart the brute.

Smart move, lad. That's using the old intellect.

Argh!

Bravo, boy. Great strategy.

-Is the lesson about over?

-Did you get the point?

Yes, yes, brain over brawn.

OK, I'll fix the brute. Higglede...

No, no. Hocus pocus... Ah, what in blazes...?

Hey, diddle da...

Merlin!

Uh? Huh?

Now what?

Oh, it's that boy.

Who... What in blazes?

Help, help, help!

Ouch!

Help!

Archimedes, help!

Ooh...

(MUTTERS CROSSLY)

(WATERY) What is a monster like that doing in a moat?

By George, I'll... I'll turn him into a minnow.

Merlin!

Oh. Oh, there, there you are, boy.

Snick, snack, snorum.

How in the world did you ever get out of that mess?

That big fish almost swallowed me.

And... Archimedes saved me.

By Jove. (LAUGHS)

What do you know about that!

(COUGHS) I did nothing of the sort.

I intended to eat him.

Young perch is my favourite dish. You know that.

(LAUGHS) Do you believe that, Wart?

-Well, I...

-WART!

Oh, I've gotta go.

Thank you, it was so much fun. And, Archimedes, I...

Pinfeathers, boy!

WART! Where are you, Wart?

Coming, I'm coming.

Now, Archimedes,

why would you half drown yourself for a tidbit of fish?

And after such a big breakfast.

Pinfeathers and gully fluff!

We were doing fine until we got into deep water.

Along comes this huge pike with sharp teeth.

(ECHOEY) Turn him off, Dad.

A monster, the biggest fish I ever saw.

That's the biggest fish story I ever heard.

But it's true, sir.

Three demerits for being late and three more for the fish story.

Now hop into the kitchen.

(ECHOEY LAUGH) I told you the Wart was looney.

He's either out of his head or there's something fishy going on.

# For every high, there is a low

(ECHOES) # For every to there is a fro

# To and fro, stop and go

# That's what makes The world go round... #

Oh, it's you, Merlin, sir.

Yes, my lad.

Now, have you ever considered being a squirrel?

No, I don't suppose...

Well, now.

There is a tiny creature with enormous problems.

How he has survived throughout the ages

is one of nature's big mysteries.

His life is hazardous, downright dangerous.

Er, would you like to try it?

Oh, no, I'd better not.

Too dangerous for you, eh?

It's not that. I've got six demerits and all this work to do.

What a mess! What a medieval muddle.

We'll have to modernise it. Start an assembly-line system.

Alright now. A one and a two and a three and a four.

(UPBEAT MUSIC STARTS)

# Higitus, figitus, migitus, mum Skitun de bitun de batun de dum!

I'm supposed to do it.

No-one will know the difference.

Who cares as long as the work gets done?

# Rubbity! Scrubbity! Sweepity flo!

Come on, son, let's go, let's go.

(BIRDS TWITTER)

Wart! Wart!

Wart, now, now take it easy. Take it easy, boy.

What... Wart, no, boy, no, no. Wart!

Wha... Whoa!

What did I tell you? Look before you leap.

Well, I made it, didn't I?

Yes, yes, you made it, but you can't always trust to luck.

Now, first, you start with the short jumps.

Gauge the distance carefully and...

Doh-ho!

There, you see. Even then you can miss.

Don't take gravity lightly or it'll catch up with you.

What's gravity?

Gravity is what causes you to fall.

Oh, like a stumble or a trip?

Yes, like a... No, no. It's the force that pulls you down.

The phenomenon that any two material particles or bodies,

if free to move, will be accelerated toward each other.

(FRIENDLY SQUIRRELY CHATTER)

(SQUIRRELY SQUEAKS & CHATTER)

Merlin, how will we get by?

Hmm? Oh, well, I suppose we better go back to a side track.

(CHATTERS)

Go on, go on, you've got lots of room.

(CHATTERS SWEETLY)

Well, I-I-I guess she can't be sidetracked.

That's a girl squirrel, and a redhead.

(CHATTERS)

(GIGGLES)

(CHATTERS)

-She sure acts funny.

-Oh, she likes you.

Why?

Yes, well, that's nature again.

But there's no time to explain.

Here now, you better leave me out of it.

Yeah. Me, too.

Merlin, Merlin!

You're on your own, lad. Magic can't solve this problem.

(CHATTERS)

Look, I'm not a boy. I mean, I'm not a squirrel, I'm a boy.

A human boy, not a real -

(CHIRPY KISSES)

Oh, leave me alone.

(LONGING SIGH)

Merlin, what'll I do? She won't leave me -

(CHATTERS)

I'm afraid you're stuck, lad.

When a girl squirrel chooses a mate, it's for life.

But I won't be a squirrel tomorrow.

She doesn't know that.

She only knows that you're a him and she's a her.

(GIGGLES)

It's a natural phenomenon.

Phenomenon-enum?

Well, it's the...

# It's a state of being A frame of mind

# It's a most befuddling thing

# And to every being of every kind

# It is discombooberating

# You're wasting time resisting

# You'll find the more you do

# The more she'll keep insisting

# Her him has got to be you

Now leave me alone. I mean it.

# It's a rough game, anyone knows

Go away!

# There are no rules, anything goes

# There's no logical explanation For this discombooberation

# It's a most bemuddling, Most befuddling thing (LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo?

Now go on, shoo, get a tree of your own. Skidaddle.

(SQUAWKS)

(HURLS BIRDY ABUSE)

(CHATTERS)

(SQUAWKS)

I... I... Oh... You...

Ugh. Oh, you squirrely squirrels.

Ha-ha, she's gaining on you, Wart.

(GIGGLES)

# There's no sensible explanation For this dicombooberation

# It's a most hodge-podgical Most illogical, most confusing

# Most bamboozling

# Most bemuddling Most b-befuddling...

# Thing... #

Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo.

(SPUTTERS) Doh, wha da...

Really! Now, Miss, er... Madam...

(FLIRTATIOUS GIGGLE)

You've... made a mistake. Now, please...

You... Ooh, madam! Ma-dum!

(GIGGLES)

(CHATTERS COYLY)

Now, look here. I am not a boy.

I mean I'm not a squirrel, I'm a boy.

(GIGGLES)

(PANICKED SQUEALS) Ooh-hoo-hoo!

I'm a stupid old... Aa-ha-ha! No!

-I'm an old man.

-(CHATTERS)

An old hu... man!

Understand?

(GIGGLES & CHATTERS)

Hang it all. Now, go away. Shoo, shoo. (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS COYLY)

Impossible. Impossible.

Oh, confound it, confound it all.

(GIGGLES)

I'm tired of being a squirrel. It's trouble.

You've got trouble? Look at my... Look back there.

(GIGGLES)

One side, lad.

(GIGGLES)

Whoa...

Oh, help, Merlin!

Help!

(ALARMED SQUEAKS)

(ANGRY CHATTER)

Yaow!

(YELPS & WHIMPERS)

Aaah!

(CHATTERS)

(LOVING CHATTER)

By George!

I've had enough of this nonsense.

(GIGGLES)

Alakazam!

Aaaaah!

There. Now, you see, I'm an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man!

(SQUEALS / SCOLDS)

(GROWLS) Woof, woof!

(YELPS)

Merlin!

Oh... (LAUGHS)

-So, here we are.

-Quick, the magic!

Snick, snack, snorum.

(LAUGHS) There. Now you see. I'm not a squirrel, I'm a boy.

(CHOKED SQUEAKS)

I tried to tell you. I'm a boy.

A human boy.

(SNIFFS)

Oh, if you could only understand.

(SOBS)

(HEARTBROKEN SOBS)

(WRACKED SOBS)

You know, lad, that love business is a powerful thing.

(REGRETFUL SIGH)

Greater than gravity?

Well, yes, boy, in its way.

I'd, er... Yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on earth.

(MOURNFUL SOBS)

(WAILS) Oh! Oh!

Ector!

Sir Ector, the kitchen!

Hold it, son. Hold it.

-Black magic all over the place.

-Kay!

Hold on, I say. GARGH!

(PREENS) Ah. Oh.

Now, what's all the commotion?

The kitchen, it's under an evil spell.

It's bewitched. (WAILS)

I bet it's that old goat, Marvin.

Come on, son, I knew he'd give us trouble.

Gadzooks!

Black magic of the worst kind.

Come on, Kay, to the attack.

Orgh! Oh.

Hold it.

Oh!

Heaven preserve us.

KAY!

Now, what have we here?

Jumpin' hog toads.

Alakazam!

(SPUTTERS)

Oh, there you are, you old goat!

Well, what's the idea of flinging your evil spells about? (COUGHS)

Lend me a hand, boy.

Well, what have you got to say for yourself?

You call washing dishes and sweeping floors a work of evil?

I'll decide what's right and wrong.

(COUGHS) It's the Wart's job, one of his duties.

And if you want to go to London, you'd better toe the mark.

You old goat. If I ever catch you in my kitchen again, I'll...

Madam, you won't.

Oh, d-dear, he's gone.

Well, by Jove.

We oughta run him out of the castle.

(HUSHED) Oh, no. No, no, Kay, no.

He might cast an evil spell on us, turn us all to stone. Shh...

Who knows what the old devil might do?

He's not an old devil. He... he's good.

And his magic is good, too.

If you'd just leave him alone.

Look here, that's three more demerits.

Box his ears, Dad.

Just cos you can't understand it, doesn't mean it's wrong.

Ten more demerits.

You make all the rules!

You've said plenty, boy. You've cooked your goose.

Kay, from now on young Hobs is your squire.

Did you hear that, Wart? Hobs will be Kay's squire. (SNIFFS)

Yes, sir.

That'll teach you to pop off, ya little pipsqueak.

Oh, I'm sorry, lad.

Sorry I spoiled everything.

I know that trip to London meant a great deal to you.

Oh, it's not your fault.

I shouldn't have popped off.

Now I'm really done for.

No, you're in a great spot.

You can't go down now. It can only be up from here.

I'd like to know how.

Use your head. An education, lad.

What good will that do?

Get it first, then who knows?

Are you willing to try?

Well, what have I got to lose?

That's the spirit.

We'll start tomorrow. We'll show 'em, won't we?

We sure will.

Now, first of all, lad,

we've got to get all these medieval ideas out of your head.

Clear the way for new ideas. Knowledge of man's discoveries

in the centuries ahead.

That'll be a great advantage.

Advantage?

If the boy says the world is round, they'll take him for a lunatic.

The world is round?

Yes! That's right.

And it also goes around.

You mean it'll be round some day?

No, it's round now.

Man will discover this in centuries to come.

He will also find that the world

is merely a tiny speck in the universe.

Universe?

You're confusing the boy.

You'll have him so mixed up he'll wear his shoes on his head.

Man has always learned from the past.

You can't learn history in reverse. It's... confusing enough.

Alright, have it your way, Archimedes.

You're in charge. You're the headmaster now.

So from now on he's your pupil.

Ahem.

So, from now on, boy, (COUGHS) you do as I say.

Yes, sir.

Alright. To start off I want you to read these books.

-All of them?

-That is a mountain of knowledge.

But... I can't read.

What? What, what? Then you can't write?

-No, sir.

-What do you know?

Well, I...

Never mind, we'll start at the bottom, the ABCs.

First the "A" and now the "B".

Loop and around, and there's a "C".

Merlin, look! I can write.

Oh, yes, very good, boy. Very -

Hen scratch, that's all.

Now, come on. "D", "E", "F", and now the "G".

You see it's as simple as...

No, no, boy! Now use your head, use your head.

How d'you expect to learn?!

Archimedes, have you seen that flying-machine, er, model?

I have nothing to do with your futuristic fiddle-faddle.

What's that thing up there?

Hmm? Oh, yes, of course, here we are.

Do you mean man will fly in one of those some day?

If man were meant to fly he'd have wings.

I'll prove otherwise, Archimedes, if you'd care to watch.

Here she goes.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Ho-ho-ho! Men will fly, alright(!)

Ho-ho-ho! Just like a rock.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

It would have worked if, if,

if it weren't for this infernal beard.

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER) Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

(SQUAWKS) Ha-ha-ha!

(WEAK WITH LAUGHTER) I never in my... Oh, ho-ho...

(RIOTOUS LAUGHTER)

Man will fly someday, I tell you. I have been there. I have seen it.

Oh, I do hope so. I've always dreamed of flying.

That I was a bird and I could sail all over the sky, above everything.

Avis, avitis, aviti, avetum. Prestodigitonium.

It's my favourite dream.

I suppose everybody dreams about flying.

I'm a bird, I'm a bird!

(LAUGHS) Hold it, boy. Not so fast.

First I'd better explain the mechanics of a bird's wing.

Now, these large feathers are called the primaries, and -

Since when do you know all about birds' wings?

I've made a study of birds in flight and I -

-And if you don't mind,

-I

-happen to be a bird.

Alright, Mister Know-It-All, he's your pupil.

Ouch.

Now, boy, flying is not merely some crude mechanical process.

Ahem!

It's a delicate art, purely aesthetic, poetry in motion.

The best way to learn it is to do it.

Now, since we're pretty far up, we'll start with a glide.

Spread your wings way out, way out.

That's it! (LAUGHS) Now fan your tail.

Tippity toe, tippity toe and off we go!

Now, tuck your feet under, like me. That's it. That's the idea.

Wha... What? Whoa!

And don't fight the air currents. Use them.

Well, say, boy, that's pretty good.

Boy, you're a natural. Ho-ho-ho!

Are you sure this is the first time you...

Wart! Wart ! Hawk! Hawk!

Look out, boy, heads up. Wart!

Archimedes, help!

Wart! Wart!

(PANTS)

Ooh, wha... what? Whoa!

(COUGHS)

Sounds like someone's sick. How lovely. (GIGGLES)

I do hope it's serious, something dreadful.

Oh, bat gizzards!

It's just a scrawny sparrow, with a beak full of soot.

Oh, I'm not really a sparrow. I'm a boy.

A boy?

Merlin changed me with his magic.

He's the world's most powerful wizard.

Merlin?! (LAUGHS)

Merlin! The world's most powerful bungler.

Why, boy, I've got more magic in one little finger. (LAUGHS)

-You've never heard of the

-marvellous

-Madam Mim?

Well, no, I don't guess so.

Madam Mim. Oh, good heavens!

Why, boy, I'm the greatest. I'm truly marvellous.

# With only a touch I have the power Zim zaba rim bim

# To wither a flower... # Ho, ho!

# I find delight In the gruesome and grim

Oh, that's terrible.

Thank you, my boy, but that's nothing for me. (LAUGHS)

# Cos I'm the magnificent, Marvellous, mad Madam Mim... #

You know what? I can even change size.

I can be huge!

Oh! Fill the whole house.

# I can be teeny, small as a mouse

# Black sorcery is my dish of tea #

Ooh, hoo, hoo! It comes easy to me.

# Cos I'm the magnificent, Marvellous, mad Madam Mim #

(JOYOUS CACKLES)

Marvellous, boy, marvellous. Ooh-hoo!

Say, did you know I can make myself uglier yet?

That would be some trick. I mean, er...

Want a bet? Boo!

(LAUGHS)

You see, I win, I win.

Aren't I hideous, boy? Perfectly revolting?

Yes, ma'am.

You ain't seen nothing yet. Watch this.

# I can be beautiful Lovely and fair

# Silvery voice Long purple hair

# La, la, la, la La, la, la, la

# La, la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la, la, la!

# But it's only skin deep For zim zamberin zim

(SQUAWKS) # I'm an ugly old creep

# The magnificent, marvellous Mad, mad, mad Madam Mim! #

(HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER)

Now what do you think, boy? Who's the greatest?

Well, Merlin's magic is always,... well,... useful.

For something good.

And he must see something good in you.

I suppose so.

Yes, and in my book that's bad.

So, my boy, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you.

D... Destroy me?

Yeah. I'll give you a sporting chance.

I'm mad about games, you know. Well, come on, get going, boy.

You gotta keep on your toes in this game. Oh, ho, ho, ho!

(MAD LAUGHTER)

(TAUNTING LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) I win, I win. Oh, the game's over. (LAUGHS)

Oh!

Why, you little devil! I'll wring your scrawny neck.

Mim! Mim! What... are you up to?

(FLUSTERED) Oh, er, Merlin. Well, you're just in time.

We were playing a little game.

She was gonna destroy me.

And what are you gonna do about it? Want a fight?

Want to have a wizard's duel?

As you wish, Madam.

Well, come on, step outside.

After you, Madam.

(MARCHING DRUMS)

What... What's up, boy? What's going on?

They're having a wizard's duel. What's that?

A battle of wits.

They transform themselves, in an attempt to destroy one another.

D-destroy?

Just watch. You'll get the idea.

Now, first of all, I'll make the rules.

Rules indeed! She only wants rules so she can break them.

I'll take care of you later, featherbrain.

Rule one, no mineral or vegetable. Only animal.

Rule two, no make-believe things like, er,

oh, pink dragons and stuff.

Now, rule three, no disappearing.

Rule four, no cheating.

Alright. Now pace off ten.

One, two, three, four... (CHUCKLES)

Merlin, she disappeared.

Mim, you made the rules.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Ouch!

(LAUGHS)

Change to something else, Merlin.

Yes, yes, give me time to think.

(LAUGHS)

Higity, pigity... No, no, no...

Quick!

Hoppity...

Here now, Madam, just a minute.

Er, now, this is... Now, now...

Hee-hee! Hee-hee-hee!

Something bigger.

Smaller!

Mim, M-Mim, Mim...

Oh! (ECHOEY LAUGHTER)

Merlin, no disappearing.

(PANTS)

Oh-ho-ho!

(LAUGHS & CLUCKS)

Yowch!

(CLUCKING LAUGHTER)

Ooh...

Mim? Mim? Are you...

What's going on here?

You, you big blimp.

(PETRIFIED SCREAM)

(ROARS)

(LAUGHS) Squash me, will you?

Ah-ah-ah-ah, Merlin.

Ouch! Ooh!

Bravo! (LAUGHS)

Just you wait. You're gonna pay.

Oh...

(SQUEAKS)

Aah!

So, you want to play rough, do you?

Yow!

Well, alright, Merlin, I'll smash you good, you old crab.

Aah...

Jehoshaphat!

Yaaaah!

Here I come, Mim, ready or not.

(BLEATS)

You wouldn't dare!

(SCREAMS)

M-Mim, no dragons, remember?

Did I say no purple dragons? Did I?

Whoo-hoo!

(LAUGHS)

I win, I win.

Oh, that horrible old witch. I'll peck her eyes out.

No, no.

(LAUGHS)

-He's gone.

-Disappeared.

Madam, I have not disappeared. I am very tiny.

I am a germ, a rare disease. I'm called Malagalitaloptirosus.

-And

-you

-caught me, Mim.

What?!

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

First, you break out into spots.

Followed by hot and cold flashes. (CHUCKLES)

Then violent sneezing.

Aah... Aah... Aah...

Watch it, boy.

Oh! You, you... You sneaky old scoundrel.

(COUGHS & SNEEZES)

It's not too serious, Madam.

-You'll recover in a few weeks and be as good, er,... as

-bad

-as ever.

I would suggest plenty of rest and lots and lots of sunshine.

I hate sunshine.

I hate horrible, wholesome sunshine.

I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE, HATE...

You were really great, Merlin. But you could have been killed.

It was worth it if you learnt something from it.

Knowledge and wisdom is the real power.

Right you are, Wart. So, stick to your schooling, boy.

(EAGER) Don't worry, I will, sir. I really will.

(MALE VOICES) # We will sing all night and all day

# We will fight For the blue old tree

# On the field of white

# For the blue old tree On the field... of... white! #

(HEARTY LAUGHTER)

Here's to victory in London for my son Kay.

-Sir

-Kay. I've been knighted, don't forget.

Of course, son, of course.

Here's to Sir Kay. And who knows, the future king of all England!

Watch it, will ya?

Kay the King. (SNIFFS) What a dreadful thought.

Sir Ector! Sir Ector! Hobs has come down with the mumps.

Face all puffed up like a toad.

Then Kay'll need another squire, hang it all. Wart, you're it.

-What, sir?

-Kay's squire. You'll go to London.

Oh, Sir Ector! Wha.. What? Whoa!

Merlin! Archimedes! Merlin!

Merlin, look, I'm a squire.

Ha!

Oh, er, very nice, boy.

Yes, indeed(!)

A fine monkey suit for polishing boots.

It's... what all the squires wear.

I thought you'd amount to something, that you had a few brains!

Great future(!)

Hah! A stooge for that big lunk Kay.

Congratulations, boy(!)

What do you want me to be? I'm nobody.

You... you don't know a thing about what's going on today.

I'm lucky to be Kay's squire.

Oh, of,... of all the idiotic... Blow me to Bermuda!

Where... Where did he go?

To Bermuda, I suppose.

Where's that?

Oh, an island that hasn't been discovered yet.

Will he ever come back?

Who knows? Who knows anything?

For the crown of all England, let the tournament begin!

(HORSE WHINNIES)

(LAUGHS) You see that, Kay?

Now it's up to the swords.

Swords? Swords? Oh, no.

-Kay?

-What? What?

I... forgot your sword.

Forgot my sword?!

I... left it back at the inn.

Why, you bungling little fool.

Oof!

You'd better get it or don't you dare come back.

Let me in, let me in! Somebody, please. Please let me in!

It's no use. They're at the tournament.

What'll I do?

Kay's got to have a sword.

Well, look boy, look. There in the churchyard.

A sword! Oh, Archimedes, a sword!

You'll have a time pulling it out.

Watch it, boy.

(HEAVENLY MUSIC & ANGELIC VOICES)

Better leave it alone.

But Kay's got to have a sword.

Come on, quick, let's get out of here.

You're up next, son. Best get ready.

Kay, Kay, here's a sword!

-This is not

-my

-sword.

Hold on, Kay, wait a minute.

"Whoso pulleth out this sword..."

Oh, it's the sword in the stone.

The sword in the stone? It can't be.

-But it is!

-The marvellous sword!

Hold everything! Someone's pulled the sword from the stone.

Where did you get it?

I-I pulled it out of an anvil that was on a stone...

..in-in a churchyard.

(HEARTY LAUGHTER)

Very funny!

The lad's a young Samson.

You're making a fool of us, boy. Tell the truth!

But I did, sir.

Then, prove it. Back to the stone with you.

(SHOUTS FROM CROWD) Yes, prove it!

(LAUGHS) Alright, boy, let's have the miracle.

Wait a minute. Anyone can pull it once it's been pulled.

Go to it, Kay. Give it all you've got.

Put your back into it.

-(UPROAR)

-Let me at it.

-Me!

-Stop pushing!

Hold on, that's not fair.

I say we let the boy try.

Yes, give the boy a chance.

Go ahead, son.

(HEAVENLY MUSIC & ANGELIC VOICES)

It's a miracle, ordained by heaven.

This boy is our king.

Well, by Jove.

What's the lad's name?

Wart. Oh, I mean Arthur.

Hail, King Arthur!

(ALL) Hail, King Arthur! Long live the King!

(LAUGHS) I can't believe it.

Oh, forgive me, son. Forgive me.

Please don't, sir.

Kay, bow down to your King.

'So, at last, the miracle had come to pass

in that far-off time upon New Year's day.'

'And the glorious reign of King Arthur was begun.'

(SIGHS) I can't be a king. I don't know how to rule a country.

I told you to leave the thing in the stone, boy.

I'll run away, that's what I'll do.

They'll just have to get somebody else.

(Better take the side door.)

(CROWD CHANT) Hail, King Arthur!

Hoooo!

There's another door over there. Over there. Come on.

(CROWD CHANTS) Long live King Arthur!

Ooh! Looks like we're surrounded, boy.

Oh, Archimedes, I wish Merlin was here.

(MAGICAL HARP MUSIC)

Merlin! Merlin!

Oh, you're back from Ber... Ber...?

Bermuda. Yes, back from Bermuda and the 20thC. (LAUGHS)

And believe me, you can have it.

One big, modern mess.

Alakazam!

I'm in an awful pickle. I'm king.

He pulled the sword from the stone.

(LAUGHS) Of course, of course.

King Arthur and his knights of the Round Table.

Round table?

Would you rather have a square one?

No, round'll be fine.

Oh-ho-ho! Boy, boy, boy,

you'll become a great legend.

They'll write books about you for centuries to come.

They might even make a motion picture about you.

Motion picture?

Oh... Heh-heh-heh. Well, erm, that's something like television.

(LAUGHS) Without commercials.

# Hail King Arthur! Long live the King! #