Alice in Wonderland

Charles, you have finally lost your senses.

This venture is impossible.

For some. Gentlemen, the only way to achieve the impossible

is to believe it IS possible.

That kind of thinking could ruin you.

I'm willing to take that chance.

Imagine trading posts in Rangoon, Bangkok, Jakarta...

The nightmare again?

I won't be long.

I'm falling...down a dark hole...

..then I see strange creatures.

What kind of creatures?

Well, there's a dodo bird, a rabbit in a waistcoat, a smiling cat.

I didn't know cats could smile.

-SHE SIGHS

-Neither did I.

And there's a blue caterpillar.

Blue caterpillar.

Hmm.

Do you think I've gone round the bend?

I'm afraid so. You're mad, bonkers, off your head.

But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

SHE LAUGHS

It's only a dream, Alice. Nothing can harm you there.

But if you get too frightened, you can always wake up. Like this.

Ow!

SHE SIGHS

Must we go?

Doubt they'll notice if we never arrive.

They will notice.

Where's your corset?

And no stockings.

I'm against them.

But you're not properly dressed.

Who's to say what is proper?

What if it was agreed that "proper" was wearing a codfish on your head?

-Would you wear it?

-Alice.

To me, a corset is like a codfish.

Please, not today.

Father would have laughed.

I'm sorry. I'm tired. I didn't sleep well last night.

Did you have bad dreams again?

Only one.

It's always the same, ever since I can remember.

Do you think that's normal?

Don't most people have different dreams?

I don't know.

There. You're beautiful.

Now, can you manage a smile?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

At last. We thought you'd never arrive.

Alice, Hamish is waiting to dance with you. Go.

You do realise it's well past 4.00.

-Now everything will have to be rushed through.

-I am sorry.

Oh, never mind!

Forgive my wife. She's been planning this affair for over 20 years.

If only Charles were here...

My condolences.

I think of your husband often. He was truly a man of vision.

I hope you don't think I've taken advantage of your misfortunes.

Of course not. I'm pleased that you purchased the company.

I was a fool for not investing

in his mad venture when I had the chance.

Charles thought so, too.

CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES

Hamish, do you ever tire of quadrille?

On the contrary. I find it invigorating.

SHE LAUGHS

Do I amuse you?

No.

I had a sudden vision of all the ladies in trousers

and the men wearing dresses.

It would be best to keep your visions to yourself.

When in doubt, remain silent.

HONKING

SHE GASPS

Pardon us, sir. Miss Kingsleigh is distracted today.

Where's your head?

I was wondering what it would be like to fly.

Why would you spend your time

thinking about such an impossible thing?

Why wouldn't I?

My father said he sometimes believed in six impossible things

before breakfast.

Come...

Alice, meet me under the gazebo in precisely ten minutes.

We have a secret to tell you.

If you're telling me, then it's not much of a secret.

-Perhaps we shouldn't.

-We decided we should.

-If we tell her, she won't be surprised.

-Will you be surprised?

Not if you tell me. But now you've brought it up, you have to.

-No, we don't.

-In fact, we won't.

I wonder if your mother knows

that you two swim naked in the Havershims' pond.

-You wouldn't.

-Oh, but I would.

There's your mother right now.

Hamish is going to ask for your hand.

You've ruined the surprise!

I could strangle them!

Everyone went to so much effort to keep the secret.

Does everyone know?

It's why they've all come. This is your engagement party.

Hamish will ask you under the gazebo. When you say yes...

But I don't know if I want to marry Hamish.

Who, then? You won't do better than a lord.

You'll soon be 20, Alice. That pretty face won't last for ever.

You don't want to end up like Aunt Imogene.

-And you don't want to be a burden on Mother, do you?

-No.

So you'll marry Hamish.

You will be as happy as I am with Lowell,

and your life will be perfect.

It's already decided.

Alice, dear.

I'll leave you to it.

Shall we take a leisurely stroll through the garden, just you and me?

Do you know what I've always dreaded?

The decline of the aristocracy?

Ugly grandchildren. But you're lovely.

You're bound to produce little... Imbeciles!

The gardeners have planted white roses

when I specifically asked for red.

You could always paint the roses red.

What an odd thing to say.

You should know that my son has extremely delicate digestion.

RUSTLING

-Did you see that?

-See what?

-It was a rabbit, I think.

-Nasty things.

I do enjoy setting the dogs on them.

If you serve Hamish the wrong foods, he could get a blockage.

RUSTLING

Did you see it that time?

-See what?

-The rabbit!

Don't shout.

Now, pay attention. Hamish said you were easily distracted.

-What was I saying?

-Hamish has a blockage.

I couldn't be more interested, but you'll have to excuse me.

-Aunt Imogene.

-Hmm?

I think I'm going mad. I keep seeing a rabbit in a waistcoat.

I can't be bothered with your fancy rabbit now.

I'm waiting for my fiance.

-You have a fiance?

-Hmm.

RUSTLING

There! Did you see it?

He's a prince.

But, alas, he cannot marry me unless he renounces his throne.

It's tragic, isn't it?

Very.

GIGGLING

Lowell?

Alice. We were just...

Hattie's an old friend.

I can see you're very close.

Look, you won't mention this to your sister, will you?

I don't know. I'm confused. I need time to think.

Well, think about Margaret. She'd never trust me again.

-You don't want to ruin her marriage, do you?

-Me?

But I'm not the one who's sneaking around behind her back.

There you are.

Alice Kingsleigh...

Hamish.

What is it?

You have a caterpillar on your shoulder.

Ew.

Don't hurt it.

You'll want to wash that finger.

Alice Kingsleigh...

..will you be my wife?

Well...

..everyone expects me to,

and you're a lord.

My face won't last, and I don't want to end up like...

But this is happening so quickly. I...

I think I...

LOUD TICKING

I think I...

I need a moment.

WATCH TICKS

Hello.

SHE SCREAMS

SCREAMING CONTINUES

Agh!

SHE SCREAMS

RATTLING

SHE GROANS

LOCK RATTLES

SHE SNIFFS

It's only a dream.

SHE SPLUTTERS

You'd think she would remember all this from the first time.

You've brought the wrong Alice.

No, she's the right one. I'm certain of it.

FABRIC TEARS

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

She's the wrong Alice.

Give her a chance.

SHE SPLUTTERS

PIG GRUNTS

NEIGHING AND SNARLING

Curiouser and curiouser.

I told you she's the right Alice.

I am not convinced.

How is that for gratitude?

I've been up there for weeks, trailing one Alice after the next,

-and I was almost eaten by other animals.

-Can you imagine?

They go about entirely unclothed, and they do their shukm in public.

-I had to avert my eyes.

-Doesn't look anything like herself.

That's because she's the wrong Alice.

-If she was, she might be.

-If she isn't, she ain't.

-But if she were so, she would be.

-But she isn't, nohow.

How can I be the wrong Alice when this is my dream?

And who are you, if I might ask?

Oh, I'm Tweedledee, he's Tweedledum.

Contrariwise, I'm Tweedledum, he's Tweedledee.

We should consult Absolem.

Exactly. Absolem will know who she is.

-I'll escort you.

-Hey, it's not being your turn.

So unfair.

-Hey, leave off!

-Let go!

-Are they always this way?

-Family trait.

You can both escort her.

WHINNYING

-Who is this Absolem?

-He's wise. He's absolute.

-BOTH:

-He's Absolem.

Who are you?

Absolem?

You're not Absolem, I'm Absolem. The question is, who are you?

-SHE COUGHS

-Alice.

We shall see.

What do you mean by that? I ought to know who I am.

Yes, you ought, stupid girl. Unroll the Oraculum.

The Oraculum, being a calendrical compendium of Underland.

-It's a calendar.

-Compendium.

It tells of each and every day since the Beginning.

Today is Griblig Day in the time of the Red Queen.

Show her the Frabjous Day.

Mmm. Yeah, Frabjous being the day you slay the Jabberwocky.

Sorry? Slay a what?

Oh, yeah. That being you, there, with the Vorpal sword.

No other swords can kill the Jabberwocky, nohow.

If it ain't Vorpal, it ain't dead.

That's not me!

I know!

Resolve this for us, Absolem. Is she the right Alice?

Not hardly.

-I told you.

-Oh, dear.

-I said so.

-I said so.

Contrariwise, you said she might be.

No, you said she would be if she was.

Little impostor. Pretending to be Alice. She should be ashamed.

I was so certain of you.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be the wrong Alice.

Wait, this is my dream.

I'm going to wake up now and you'll all disappear.

That's odd. Pinching usually does the trick.

I could stick you, if that would help.

-It might, actually. Thank you.

-My pleasure.

Ow!

GROWLING

-Bandersnatch!

-Bandersnatch!

IT ROARS

LOUD SQUAWKING

PANTING

SQUAWKS

IT ROARS

Wait.

IT GROWLS

It's only a dream. Nothing can hurt me.

What's she doing?

Can't hurt me. Can't hurt me.

IT ROARS

Run, you great lug!

ROARS IN PAIN

HORSE WHINNIES

This way, east to Queast.

No, south to Snud.

No. No, no. This way.

BIRD SCREECHES

BOTH SHOUT OUT

SCREECHES LOUDLY

BOTH GASP AND GROAN

Someone has stolen three of my tarts!

-Did you steal them?

-No, Your Majesty.

-Did you?

-No, Your Majesty.

-Did you steal them?

-No, Your Majesty.

SWALLOWS LOUDLY

(Did you steal my tarts?)

No, Your Majesty.

(Squimberry juice.)

-I was so hungry! I didn't mean to!

-Off with his head!

My family! Oh, please, please don't!

No! I have little ones to look after!

Go to his house and collect the little ones.

I love tadpoles on toast almost as much as I love caviar.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Drink!

Majesty?

Ilosovic Stayne, you knave, where have you been lurking?

Majesty, I have found the Oraculum.

That? Looks so ordinary for an oracle.

Look here, on the Frabjous Day.

I'd know that tangled mess of hair anywhere.

Is it Alice?

I believe it is.

What's she doing with my darling Jabberwocky?

She appears to be slaying it.

She killed my Jabber-baby-wocky?

Not yet, but it will happen if we don't stop her.

Find Alice, Stayne. Find her!

DOG YELPS

Find the scent of human girl and earn your freedom.

For my wife and pups, as well?

Everyone will go home.

DOG SNIFFS

DOG BARKS AND HOWLS

Dogs will believe anything.

HE CHUCKLES

It looks like you ran afoul of something with wicked claws.

And I'm still dreaming.

What did that to you?

-Banner or Bander...

-The Bandersnatch?

Well, I'd better have a look.

What are you doing?

It needs to be purified by someone with evaporating skills,

or it will fester and putrefy.

I'd rather you didn't. I'll be fine as soon as I wake up.

At least let me bind it for you.

-What do you call yourself?

-Alice.

THE Alice?

-There's been some debate about that.

-I never get involved in politics.

You'd best be on your way.

What way? All I want to do is wake up from this dream.

Fine.

Then I'll take you to the Hare and the Hatter, but that's the end of it.

Coming?

SNORING

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

Huh?

YAWNS

HE STAMMERS

Watch what you're doing!

Hey, watch it!

OK, OK. All right.

It's you.

No, it's not. McTwisp brought us the wrong Alice.

It's the wrong Alice!

It's absolutely Alice.

You're absolutely Alice. I'd know you anywhere.

I'd know him anywhere.

BOTH GIGGLE

Well, as you can see, we're still having tea.

It's all because I was obliged to kill Time waiting for your return.

You're terribly late, you know. Naughty.

Well, anyway, Time became quite offended and stopped altogether.

Not a tick ever since.

HE LAUGHS

-Cup.

-Time can be funny in dreams.

Yes, yes, of course, but now you're back, you see,

and we need to get on to the Frabjous Day.

-Frabjous Day!

-Frabjous Day!

I'm investigating things that begin with the letter "M".

(Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?)

-Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!

-Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!

-What?

-Down with the Bloody Big Head,

the Bloody Big Head being the Red Queen.

Come, come. We simply must commence with the slaying and such.

Therefore, it is high time to forgive and forget

or forget and forgive, whichever comes first

or is, in any case, most convenient. I'm waiting.

Hey. It's tick-tick... It's ticking again.

All this talk of blood and slaying has put me off my tea.

Ah.

The entire world is falling to ruin and poor Chessur's off his tea.

What happened that day was not my fault.

HE INHALES SHARPLY

Oh, dear.

You ran out on them to save your own skin,

you guddler's scuttish pilgar lickering shukm juggling sluking urpal.

Bar lom muck egg brimni!

Hatter!

-Thank you.

-Miaow.

I'm fine.

What's wrong with you, Tarrant? You used to be the life of the party.

You used to do the best Futterwacken in all of Witzend.

-Futter what?

-Futterwacken!

It's a dance.

HE LAUGHS

On the Frabjous Day,

when the White Queen once again wears the crown,

on that day, I shall Futterwacken vigorously.

ALL CHUCKLE

HORSE WHINNIES

Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

-SHE GASPS

-The Knave.

Goodbye.

MARCH HARE: Hide her!

Drink this quickly.

SHE SPLUTTERS

Quick! Hide her!

Oh, dear.

Aye.

Mind your head.

HORSE WHINNIES

HE SNIFFS

Let me out!

Well, if it's not my favourite trio of lunatics.

Would you like to join us?

HE CHUCKLES

You're all late for tea!

BOTH LAUGH

We're looking for the girl called Alice.

Speaking of the Queen, here is a little song we used to sing in her honour.

ALL: # Twinkle, twinkle, little bat

# How I wonder where you're at

# Up a... #

If you're hiding her, you'll lose your heads.

-HOARSELY:

-Already lost them.

BOTH LAUGH

All together now!

ALL: # Up above the world you fly

# Like a tea tray in the sky

# Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle

# Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle

# Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle... #

Oh!

HE SNIFFS AND SNARLS

Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!

Would you like some cream?

LOUD BARKING

Would you like a slice of Battenberg?

Follow the bloodhound.

-Sugar?

-Yes, please.

Oh, that's lovely.

You're all mad.

Thanks very much.

CUP SMASHES

Pass the scones, please.

Oh! Pardon.

One moment.

HE CUTS THE CLOTH

There. Yes.

Try this on for size.

ALICE KNOCKS ON TEAPOT

Oh.

I like it.

Good thing the bloodhound is one of us, or you'd be...

What do they want with me?

Wait a minute, best take her to the White Queen.

-She'll be safe there.

-Spoon...

Your carriage, milady.

-The hat?

-Of course.

Anyone can go by horse or rail,

but the absolute best way to travel is by hat. Have I made a rhyme?

Oh, I love travelling by hat.

Mally. Just Alice, please. Fairfarren, all.

What do you mean? Wait. Gae!

CROCKERY SMASHES

MALLY GIGGLES

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe

All mimsy were the borogoves And the mome raths outgrabe.

Sorry, what was that?

What was what?

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame Jaws that bite and claws that catch!

Beware the Jabberwock, my son! And the frumious Bandersnatch!

He took his Vorpal sword in hand The Vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back.

It's all about you, you know.

I'm not slaying anything. I don't slay, so put it out of your mind.

Mind.

Wait! You can't leave me here!

You don't slay.

Do you have any idea what the Red Queen has done?

You don't slay.

I couldn't if I wanted to.

You're not the same as you were before.

You were much more muchier. You've lost your muchness.

My "muchness"?

In there. Something's missing.

Tell me what Red Queen has done.

It's not a pretty story.

Tell me anyway.

It was here.

I was hatter to the White Queen at the time.

Hightopp clan have always been employed at court.

MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS

PEOPLE CHATTERING

ROARING

PEOPLE SCREAM

HORSE WHINNIES

Hatter? Hatter!

I'm fine.

Are you?

DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE

Did you hear that? I'm certain I heard something.

What?

DOG BARKS

Oh! Red Knights.

DOG SNIFFS

DOG BARKS

Go south to Trotter's Bottom.

The White Queen's castle is just beyond.

Hold on tightly.

Down with the bloody Red Queen!

SNIFFING

You were supposed to lead them away! The Hatter trusted you!

They have my wife and pups.

-What's your name?

-Bayard.

Sit!

Would your name be Alice, by any chance?

Yes, but I'm not the one that everyone's talking about.

The Hatter would not have given himself up just for any Alice.

Where did they take him?

To the Red Queen's castle at Salazen Grum.

We're going to rescue him.

That is not foretold.

I don't care. He wouldn't be there if it weren't for me.

The Frabjous Day is almost upon us.

You must prepare to meet the Jabberwocky.

From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole,

I've been told what I must do and who I must be.

I've been shrunk, stretched, scratched and stuffed into a teapot.

I've been accused of being Alice and of not being Alice, but this is my dream.

I'll decide where it goes from here.

If you diverge from the path...

I make the path.

Take me to Salazen Grum, Bayard, and don't forget the hat.

There's only one way across.

Lost my muchness, have I?

Bayard! The hat!

Your Majesty.

FLAMINGO SQUAWKS

THEY SQUEAK

So sorry.

Splendid shot!

-Where's my ball? Page!

-Yes, Your Majesty.

THEY SQUEAK

(I want to help you.)

RUSTLING

Well, if it isn't the wrong Alice.

What brings you here? Mmm?

I've come to rescue the Hatter.

You're not rescuing anyone being the size of a gerbil.

Well, do you have any more of that cake that made me grow before?

Upelkuchen? Actually, I might have some left.

Not all of it!

Oh, no! Stop! No, no, no, don't. Don't do that!

< Page!

Oh, dear.

And what is this?

It... It's a "who", Majesty. This is, um...

Um?

From Umbradge.

What happened to your clothes?

I outgrew them. I've been growing an awful lot lately.

I tower over everyone in Umbradge. They laugh at me.

So I've come to you, hoping you might understand what it's like.

My dear girl,

anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court.

Someone find her some clothes!

Use the curtains if you must, but clothe this enormous girl.

I need a pig here!

PIG GRUNTS

RED QUEEN SIGHS

I love a warm pig belly for my aching feet.

-Would you like one, Um?

-No, thank you.

Sit!

CHITTERING

Sit!

Go away.

Where are my fat boys? You must meet them.

Fat boys!

Oh. There they are. Aren't they adorable?

They have the oddest way of speaking. Speak, boys. Amuse us.

Go on.

SHE MOUTHS

Speak!

-Is that being...

-No, no, it isn't. Not a bit. No.

Contrariwise, I believe it's so.

No, it ain't so, nohow!

RED QUEEN CACKLES

I love my fat boys. Now, get out.

-He did pinch me.

-He did pinch me.

SHE GASPS

And who is this lovely creature?

Um, my new favourite.

-Well, does she have a name?

-Um.

I believe your name has slipped the Queen's mind.

Her name is Um, idiot!

From Umbradge.

Any luck with the prisoner?

He's stubborn.

You're too soft. ..Bring him!

DOOR CREAKS

PIG SQUEALS

SHACKLES RATTLE

We know Alice has returned to Underland.

Do you know where she is?

I've been considering things that begin with the letter "M".

Moron, mutiny, murder, m-m-malice.

We're looking for an "A" word now. Where is Alice?

Who, that wee little boy? I wouldn't know.

What if I take off your head? Will you know then?

HE LAUGHS MANICALLY

Stop that.

What a regrettably large head you have.

I should very much like to hat it.

-Hat it?

-Yes.

I used to hat the White Queen, you know.

Wasn't very much to work with, poor dear.

Her head is so small.

It's tiny. It's a pimple of a head.

But this...

What I could do with this monument, this orb...

Nay, this magnificently heroic globe.

What could you do?

Unbind him, Stayne.

How can he work if his hands are bound?

Well, then, shall it be a bonnet or a boater?

Or something for the boudoir?

Cloche, dunce hat, death cap, coif, snood, barboosh, pugree, yarmulke,

cockle hat, porkpie, tam o'shanter, billycock, bicorne, tricorne, bandeau,

-bongrace, fan-tail, night cap, Garibaldi, fez...

-Hatter!

Fez?

Leave us.

The trees seem sad.

-Have you been speaking with them?

-Yes, Your Majesty.

Perhaps a bit more kindly.

Would you all excuse me for a moment? Thank you.

-What news, Bayard?

-Alice has returned to Underland.

-Where is she now?

-In Salazen Grum.

Forgive me. I allowed her to divert from her destined path.

No, no, no, no.

But that is exactly where she will find the Vorpal sword.

We have our champion. Rest now. You've done well.

IT SQUEAKS

Have you seen a hat around here?

You must find Alice, Stayne.

Without the Jabberwocky,

my sister's followers will surely rise against me.

Ugly little sister. Why do they adore her and not me?

I cannot fathom it. You are far superior in all ways.

I know.

But Mirana can make anyone fall in love with her.

Men, women...

ANIMALS GRUNT

..even the furniture.

Even the King?

I had to do it. He would have left me.

Majesty, is it not better to be feared than loved?

Not certain any more.

Oh, let her have the rabble. I don't need them.

I have you.

They're wonderful.

You must let me try one on.

It is good to be working at my trade again.

It's just a pity you have to make them for her.

What is the hatter with me?

Hatter?

THUNDER CRASHES

Hatter.

Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?

I'm frightened, Alice.

I don't like it in here. It's terribly crowded.

Have I gone mad?

I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers.

But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

Here.

That's better. You look yourself again.

-RED QUEEN:

-Hat man! Where are my hats?

I'm not a patient monarch!

I'm told she keeps the Vorpal sword hidden in the castle.

The rabbit will help you.

-Find it, Alice.

-Take it to the White Queen.

We'll go to the White Queen together.

Why is it you're always too small or too tall?

-Tweedles.

-Alice.

-How do you do, again?

-Where's the rabbit?

How is it you're being so great big?

She ain't great big, this is how she normal is.

I'm certain she's smaller when we met.

No, she drank the pishsalver to get through the door, recall it?

Oh, yeah.

-Where's the rabbit?

-BOTH: Over theres.

-MALLY:

-What are you doing here?

-I'm rescuing the Hatter.

-I'm

-rescuing the Hatter.

He told me that the Vorpal sword is hidden in the castle.

Help me find it.

I don't take orders from big, clumsy, galumphing...

Shoo!

-What is it, McTwisp?

-I know where the sword is.

THUNDER RUMBLES

The sword's hidden inside.

Be careful, Alice.

I know that smell.

SNORING

I'm not going in there.

Look what that thing did to my arm.

Dear, oh, dear. Why haven't you mentioned this?

It wasn't this bad before.

HE HYPERVENTILATES

Hatter? Where are you?

Hatter?

Mallymkun.

Do you still have the Bandersnatch eye?

Right here.

-I need it.

-Come and get it.

Hey! Give it back!

I like you, Um.

I like largeness.

Get away from me.

SNORING

DOOR CREAKS

I have your eye.

IT GROWLS

LOCK RATTLES

SNARLING

SHE GROANS

No.

-Hmm.

-MAN: You look stunning in that hat.

Yes. Next.

Your Majesty has never looked better.

-Hmm.

-Another.

Oh!

I don't wish to alarm you,

but it smells as though you might have dropped something.

HE LAUGHS

Never mind him, he's mad. Come along.

SHE WHISPERS

Stayne!

IT GROWLS

I suppose this makes us even now.

Um forced herself on me.

I told her my heart belongs to you, but she's obsessed with me.

Off with her head!

Stand back, Mallymkun.

How's this for muchness?

No, no! It mustn't be used for anything...

Arrest that girl for unlawful seduction!

Hatter!

-Take it to the White Queen.

-I'm not leaving without you.

-Go!

Run, Alice!

Alice?

Run!

Seize her.

Alice.

Of course. Why didn't I see it?

Well, it has been a long time, and you were such a little tyke then.

-Give me the sword.

-Stay back.

The Queen will be so pleased.

She will take great pleasure in taking off your head.

LOUD ROARING

-Oh, Alice!

-Bayard! To Marmoreal.

HE BARKS

HE ROARS

Majesty, Alice has escaped...

..on the Bandersnatch...

..with the Vorpal sword.

How could you let this happen?

I may have underestimated her, but we have her conspirators,

the Hatter and a dormouse.

Off with their heads!

Welcome to Marmoreal.

I believe this belongs to you.

Mmm.

The Vorpal sword is home again.

The armour is complete.

Now all we need is a champion.

You're a little taller than I thought you'd be.

Blame it on too much upelkuchen.

Oh. Come with me.

Is the March Hare here?

You're late for your soup, you wee besom.

-You're late for your soup.

-Could use some salt.

Come here, you!

Give me that here. Choppy, chop, chop, chop.

Leek and potato. Yes. That would be...

WHITE QUEEN SIGHS

Pishsalver. Let me think.

A pinch of worm fat...

..urine of the horsefly...

..buttered fingers.

My sister preferred to study Dominion Over Living Things.

SIZZLING

Tell me, how does she seem to you?

Perfectly horrid.

-And her...head?

-Bulbous.

I think she may have some kind of growth in there,

something pressing on her brain.

Three coins from a dead man's pocket,

two teaspoons of wishful thinking.

You can't imagine the things that go on in that place.

Oh, yes, I can.

But when a champion steps forth to slay the Jabberwocky,

the people will rise against her.

SHE SPITS

That should do it.

Blow.

-Feel better?

-Much, thank you.

There's someone here who would like to speak with you.

-Absolem?

-Who are you?

HE COUGHS

I thought we'd settled this. I'm Alice, but not that one.

-How do you know?

-You said so yourself.

I said you were not hardly Alice,

but you're much more her now.

In fact, you're almost Alice.

Even so,

I couldn't slay the Jabberwocky if my life depended on it.

It will.

So I suggest you keep the Vorpal sword on hand

when the Frabjous Day arrives.

You seem so real.

Sometimes I forget that this is all a dream.

SHE SPLUTTERS

Will you stop doing that?

HE LAUGHS

WHOOSHING

I've always admired that hat.

Hello, Chess.

Since you won't be needing it any more...

..would you consider bequeathing it to me?

How dare you?

It is a formal execution. I would like to look my best, you know.

It is a pity about all this.

I was looking forward to seeing you Futterwacken.

I was rather good at it, was I not?

I really do love that hat.

I would wear it to all the finest occasions.

I love a morning execution, don't you?

ALL: Yes, Your Majesty.

BELL TOLLS

-I'd like to keep it on.

-Suit yourself.

As long as I can get at your neck.

I'm right behind you.

Off with his head!

I can't watch.

Good morning, everyone.

Chess, you dog.

Madam, you are being heinously bamboozled

by these lickspittle toadies you surround yourselves with.

HE LAUGHS

What is that?

I'm not the only one, Majesty. Look!

A counterfeit nose. You should be ashamed.

Me? What about that big belly you're so proud of?

HE GASPS

Liars! Cheats!

Falsifiers! Off with their heads!

The abused and enslaved in the Red Queen's court,

all of you stand up and fight!

Rise up against the bloody Red Queen.

ALL: Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Release the Jubjub Bird!

THEY ALL GASP

IT SCREECHES

SCREAMING

You're right, Stayne,

it is far better to be feared than loved.

Come, boys. Quickly! Come on!

-Hatter!

-Come on, Mally, quickly. Come on. Come on.

Prepare the Jabberwocky for battle.

We're going to visit my little sister.

I had hoped to have a champion by now.

Why don't you slay the Jabberwocky yourself?

You must have the power.

It is against my vows to harm any living creature.

FLY BUZZES

We have company.

Have a look, Bayard.

BAYARD: Bielle.

HE BARKS

I'm so happy to see you. I thought they were going to...

So did I. But they didn't, and now here I am, still in one piece.

And I'm rather glad about that now that I'm seeing you again.

I would have regretted not seeing you again,

especially now that you're you, and the proper size.

It's a good size. It's a great size. It's a right proper Alice size!

-Hatter.

-Size. Fez. I'm fine.

Where's your hat?

Mmm.

-Cheshire.

-How's the arm, love?

All healed.

Goodbye, sweet hat.

Have you any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?

Let me think about it.

You know what tomorrow is, don't you?

Frabjous Day. How could I forget?

Wish I'd wake up.

-Still believe this is a dream, do you?

-Of course.

This has all come from my own mind.

Which would mean that I'm not real.

Afraid so. You're just a figment of my imagination.

I would dream up someone who's half-mad.

Yes, yes. But you would have to be half-mad to dream me up.

I must be, then.

I'll miss you when I wake up.

HE PLAYS A FANFARE

Who will step forth to be champion for the White Queen?

That would be I.

You have very poor evaporating skills. I should be the one.

I'll do it.

No, me.

No, me.

No other slayer, nohow.

If it ain't Alice, it ain't dead.

Alice, you cannot live your life to please others.

The choice must be yours,

because when you step out to face that creature...

you will step out alone.

Nothing was ever accomplished with tears.

Absolem?

Why are you upside down?

I've come to the end of this life.

-You're going to die?

-Transform.

Don't go. I need your help. I don't know what to do.

I can't help you if you don't even know who you are, stupid girl.

I'm not stupid.

My name is Alice. I live in London.

I have a mother named Helen and a sister named Margaret.

My father was Charles Kingsleigh.

He had a vision that stretched halfway around the world,

and nothing ever stopped him.

I'm his daughter. I'm Alice Kingsleigh.

Alice, at last.

You were just as dim-witted the first time you were here.

You called it "Wonderland", as I recall.

Wonderland.

-What do you call yourself?

-Alice.

THE Alice?

I'll take you to the Hare and the Hatter, but that's the end of it.

She's the right one. I'm certain of it.

Ah, Thackery, not at the table, please.

Have some tea.

You're not Absolem, I'm Absolem, stupid girl.

SHE COUGHS

-What is this?

-I'm Tweedledee, he's Tweedledum.

Contrariwise, I'm Tweedledum, he's Tweedledee.

You'd think she would remember all this from the first time.

Curiouser and curiouser.

It wasn't a dream at all, it was a memory.

This place is real, and so are you and so is the Hatter.

And the Jabberwocky.

Remember, the Vorpal sword knows what it wants.

All you have to do is hold onto it.

Fairfarren, Alice. Perhaps I will see you in another life.

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

-Hello, Iracebeth.

-Hello...Mirana.

HE PLAYS A FANFARE

On this, the Frabjous Day, the Queens Red and White

shall send forth their champions to do battle on their behalf.

Oh, Racie. We don't have to fight.

I know what you're doing.

You think you can blink those pretty little eyes

and I'll melt, just like Mummy and Daddy did.

Please.

No! It is my crown!

I am the eldest!

Jabberwocky!

HE WHIMPERS

HE GASPS

IT ROARS

This is impossible.

Only if you believe it is.

Sometimes I believe as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

That is an excellent practice.

However, just at the moment...

you really might want to focus on the Jabberwocky.

Where's your champion, sister?

Here.

Hello, Um.

Six impossible things. Count them, Alice.

One, there's a potion that can make you shrink.

IT ROARS

Two, and a cake that can make you grow.

So, my old foe, we meet on the battlefield once again.

We've never met.

Not you, insignificant bearer.

My ancient enemy, the Vorpal one.

That's enough chatter.

JABBERWOCKY SHRIEKS

Three, animals can talk.

Four, Alice...

..cats can disappear.

Five...

..there's a place called Wonderland.

Six,

I can slay the Jabberwocky.

JABBERWOCKY ROARS

The Hatter's interfering! Off with his head!

IT SCREECHES

BANDERSNATCH ROARS

JABBERWOCKY SCREECHES

Off with your head!

Kill her!

We follow you no more, Bloody Big Head.

How dare you? Off with his head!

Iracebeth of Crims,

your crimes against Underland are worthy of death.

However, that is against my vows...

..therefore, you are banished to the Outlands.

No-one is to show you any kindness, or ever speak a word to you.

You will not have a friend in the world.

Majesty, I hope you bear me no ill will.

Only this one, Ilosovic Stayne,

you are to join Iracebeth in banishment

from this day until the end of Underland.

At least we have each other.

SHE GASPS

Majesty, please! Kill me! Please!

But I do not owe you a kindness.

-Take off my head!

-He tried to kill me.

-Majesty! Please! Please!

-He tried to kill me.

-I offer you my head!

-He tried to kill me!

Oh, the Frabjous Day! Callou! Callay!

MUSIC PLAYS

-What is he doing?

-Futterwacken.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Futterwacken?

-BOTH: It's good.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Blood of the Jabberwocky. You have our everlasting gratitude.

And for your efforts on our behalf...

-Will this take me home?

-If that is what you choose.

You could stay.

What an idea. A crazy, mad, wonderful idea.

But I can't.

There are questions I have to answer, things I have to do.

Be back again before you know it.

You won't remember me.

Of course I will. How could I forget?

Hatter, why IS a raven like a writing desk?

I haven't the slightest idea.

Fairfarren, Alice.

PEOPLE CHATTERING

She left me standing there without an answer.

A case of nerves, no doubt.

-Alice.

-Good Lord. Are you all right?

-What happened to you?

-I fell down a hole and hit my head.

I'm sorry, Hamish. I can't marry you.

You're not the right man for me.

And there's that trouble with your digestion.

I love you, Margaret, but this is my life.

I'll decide what to do with it.

You're lucky to have my sister for your wife, Lowell,

and you be good to her. I'll be watching very closely.

There is no prince, Aunt Imogene.

You need to talk to someone about these delusions.

I happen to love rabbits, especially white ones.

Don't worry, Mother,

I'll find something useful to do with my life.

You two remind me of some funny boys I met in a dream.

-You've left me out.

-No, I haven't, sir.

You and I have business to discuss.

Shall we speak in the study?

Oh. And one more thing.

THEY ALL GASP

My father told me

he planned to expand his trade route to Sumatra and Borneo,

but I don't think he was looking far enough.

Why not go all the way to China?

It's vast, the culture is rich, and we have a foothold in Hong Kong.

To be the first to trade with China, can you imagine it?

You know, if anybody else had said that to me,

I'd say, "You've lost your senses."

But I've seen that look before.

Well, as you're not going to be my daughter-in-law,

perhaps you'd consider becoming an apprentice with the company.

Hello, Absolem.

# Tripping out, spinning around

# I'm underground I fell down

# Yeah, I fell down

# I'm freaking out Where am I now?

# Upside down and I can't stop it now

# Can't stop me now

# I, I'll get by

# I, I'll survive

# When the world's crashing down When I fall and hit the ground

# I will turn myself around Don't you try to stop me

# I, I won't cry

# I found myself in Wonderland

# Get back on my feet, the ground

# Is this real?

# Is it pretend?

# I'll take a stand until the end

# I, I'll get by

# I, I'll survive

# When the world's crashing down When I fall and hit the ground

# I will turn myself around Don't you try to stop me

# I, I won't cry... #