Down Terrace

This film contains prolonged violent scenes and very strong language

# ..Their names I don't know

# They strayed away one bright summer's day

# Those two little babies got lost on their way

# Pretty babes in the wood Pretty babes in the wood. #

Well, that's that, then.

Let's get a cab. I can't face the walk.

'Situated on the outskirts of the city

'on the first day of a weeklong series

'of special reports from Iraq

'to mark the fifth anniversary of the Allied invasion.

'Five years on we've commissioned the most comprehensive survey

'of the Iraqi people ever undertaken,

'and it seems like the nation

'is deeply pessimistic about the future.

'The people are concerned over the continued rise in violence

'and about the remaining deep divides

'in their society.'

Garvey's here.

Oh.

Hey, big Bill!

Can't keep a good man down, can they?

-Nice to see you, mate.

-Yeah, you too.

Karl, make us some tea, will you?

I've gotta get out of this monkey suit.

Eh, full acquittal though, yeah?

-Get in! Come here.

-Thanks, man.

I knew it was bollocks. They'd never make that stick, would they?

It's a fucking waste of the taxpayers' money.

Tell you what, it should be legalised anyway, shouldn't it?

-Yeah. Anyway, do you want some tea?

-Yeah.

Maggie, would you make Garvey some tea, please?

Oh!

Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking noose!

Undo the knot. Come here.

-You're just tightening it.

-Fucking get it off me, man!

Calm down. Just let us have a look.

How long has he been here, Maggie?

-He's had a sandwich.

-The disgusting fat locust.

He's not fat. He's got big bones, Bill.

Well, he's peasant stock, isn't he?

Now, you know, it's all beer and armchairs and TVs,

and they're just a load of slobs. It sickens me.

His dad was a moron as well.

Good to see a friendly face.

I thought I'd pop in, make sure you're all right.

Tough four months for you boys, I'd imagine.

I just thought I'd come and put your mind at rest.

Everything's running smoothly.

I knew it was all in safe hands.

Well, I'll pop to the little boys' room.

Hey, you've put on a bit of weight there, Garv.

-I don't think so.

-I think you're getting a little bit heavier.

Yeah, I can see it on the sides... like handles.

Right, thanks.

Hello, Eric.

Thanks.

-Boys!

-Eric.

-They gave you cake for the way out, did they?

-Oh, yeah.

-All right, Eric?

-Yeah, I'm all right. You?

-Yeah, not too bad now.

-Looks like a slab of concrete.

Yeah. Ah, it's all right.

A little bit stale. Taste's a bit like petrol, but it's OK.

Looks like a dog's crapped on it. Look at it.

I quite liked it.

-I thought it was all right.

-Oh, it's all right.

If you swill it down with enough tea,

it'll be getting there, you know.

Well, don't break your teeth on it.

-Where'd you get it?

-I got it from the shop at the end of the road.

-Those Pakis are thieves, man.

-You shouldn't say that -

"Pakis" - any more, should you?

-What's someone from Afghanistan?

-Uh, Afghani.

-There you go.

-Yeah, that's true.

-Brain of Britain.

-Yeah.

This needs painting over, Maggie.

Yeah, everything's a mess here.

We can't be too conspicuous. That's the golden rule.

I wouldn't want a new house. They've always got problems.

You can't trust builders.

This situation needs sorting out, tidying up.

-Yeah.

-It's someone close in, obviously.

Yeah.

Well, it's an informant culture, isn't it?

-Listen, about that money...

-Don't worry about that now.

-That's good of you, Garv.

-That's all right.

-I'll sort it out next week.

-No sweat.

-I'll bring it round to your house.

-Or down the club.

-Yeah, OK. Thanks, man.

-It's only money, isn't it?

-Any beer about?

-Only what you brought, mate.

I thought this was meant to be a big party.

Well, I'll pop down the offy. Who wants what?

Get us some whisky, some wine and some beer.

And some matches or a lighter.

-No, a lighter.

-All right.

OK.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, fuck's sake.

Where's Garvey getting the booze from?

-Just the offy over the road.

-Valda's coming round.

-Who's coming over?

-Valda's coming round.

Ah. That's his new bird.

-Is it?

-I've been going out with her for a year.

He's not been going out with her for a year at all.

How long have you actually known her?

-I haven't seen her in about six months.

-He hasn't seen her.

-How long did you go out for?

-About a year...ten months.

I thought I heard she done one.

She did, but she's just rung up. She's coming round.

Maybe she's pregnant.

Yeah, that's...

That's extremely unlikely.

I fast for January.

No to poisons, no to drugs, no food.

I only allow myself tea.

-And whisky.

-Fucking hell, Bill.

-I feel like a teenage tantric Superman.

-Yeah, so do I.

I'm a simple person.

I like to reconnect to the essentials.

Go on. Come on.

Come on, Eric, you're strong,

you big-boned bastard.

This is like tempered steel. Come on.

You do it to me, then I'll do it to you.

-Come on!

-Bad-tempered steel.

Come on, Eric, I'll let you have a go.

-Come on, then.

-Let's have it.

-Looks like a crossover.

-Go on, take a dig.

-Take a fucking dig, Eric!

-Feel that.

-It's soft as shite.

-Oh, you bastard!

I forgot to pick the kids up.

-Oh, a man out of time.

-Shit.

What's happened?

Oh, that's them outside now.

I'd better go.

Who's out there?

-It's his missus.

-Is she coming in?

No, no, no. I'd better go.

I gotta feed the kids and that, but...

Is that Helen? I ain't seen her in years.

Yeah, yeah. We gotta go.

Well, er, nice one. Well done and everything.

-Yeah, well done.

-Cheers, Garv.

Yeah, see you later.

See you, Maggie.

See you, everyone.

Cheers, Garv. Have a good one, mate.

She looks absolutely furious.

Give 'em a kiss for me, Garv.

She's fit... his missus, mate.

-Hoo-hoo.

-That's his old missus.

His new missus is like a hippo-croco-pig.

-A bit short-sighted.

-Looks a bit like him in a lady mirror.

A female version of Garvey. Can you imagine it?

Give us one of those beers. Oh, these are from Garvey.

-Good old Garvin, eh?

-Yeah, cheers.

-What a little superstar.

-He's shaken 'em up, hasn't he?

He's totally fucking depth-charged me.

Why don't you just pour it over the carpet?

Karl. Oi.

-Yeah? Hello, mate.

-Come here, I've got something to show you.

Hold on a second.

By the way, when are you coming back to work?

Soon. Just got to be a bit careful, that's all.

Well, you need to hurry up.

I'm running round like a blue-arsed fly.

This thing don't run itself, you know?

-Everything's going all right, though, yeah?

-Yeah.

A bit of trouble in Whitehawk, but otherwise shway shway.

-Sweet.

-Come on out.

I've got something to show you.

You are coming back to work, aren't you?

Yeah, I told you. I'm coming in.

So I don't have to run this whole bloody operation by myself.

Get in there. I've got something to show you.

-They're not going to come up, are they?

-Doubt it.

Oh, fucking hell! It's gone right through the lining on my jacket.

-What's that, Eric?

-A fucking gun, mate.

-Got it off Don the Gun.

-Fuck off.

That looks totally real, man.

It is fucking totally real.. What are you talking about?

-You serious?

-It's a real gun, yeah.

I just bought it for 200 quid.

Are you serious? This is a real shooter?

Yeah, it's a real shooter. I just bought it.

I just told you. I need it, don't I?

-What, you never seen a fucking gun before?

-Eric, Eric,

are you out of your fucking mind, mate?

What?

-Put it away and take it home.

-All right, all right.

Well, he's not going to see it, is he?

I've just got my... I've just got my prints all over a gun.

Oh, for fuck's sake. What are you, paranoid or what?

What do you mean? I've just come back from court.

Oh, for Christ's sake, mate.

-What's up with you?

-Has this been fired?

Don't know. Didn't ask.

Mate...

Look, give it to me. I'll do that.

-Come on...

-No, I'll do it. Thanks very much, Eric.

It don't mean the old Bill are going to come

straight round now, are they?

Put it away. I don't want to see it again.

Was he always such an unctuous little prick...

fucking Garvey?

I'll say he's pretty consistent. Why?

I can't believe the old man's left him running that fucking club.

He's making a fortune, man.

I mean, he's just moved into some flash new drum.

Well, that should have me and you on it.

What can you say? Bill is Bill.

-How's he holding up?

-A bit rattled, I'd say.

-Minor.

-What about you?

Fine. I'm just trying not to think about it.

You know I'm right behind you, don't you?

What, leading from the rear, yeah?

I've got your back, mate.

Where's Garvey?

If Benson had testified...

It's all right, mate. Calm down.

It's all sorted.

There you go.

Oh, hang on. Here.

-All right. Thanks, Karl.

-How you holding up?

Well, they've shown their hand now, haven't they?

Yeah, we're home and dry now though, right?

Are we?

I feel like I've been fighting this corner for ever, mate.

40 years...not a bad run.

Oh, it was a run, was it?

I mean, I was a smoker.

I mean, I was a... I was an artist, a poet.

-The head.

-I was a head, you know.

And I said I would do it.

I started doing it

and I could have as much gear as I wanted,

which was all I was interested in.

The funny thing was... this is what I noticed

first of all when I got into it...

was everybody else was into making money, except me.

I mean, me and Timothy Leary, you know.

I believed that this was a revolution of consciousness

and there was going to be an evolution taking place.

And we were going to find out all these discoveries

about the brain and the future

and how to be high and stay high

and how to be magical, how to live in the world in this sort of new way.

But all these other characters basically were into bread.

They made money and I ended up just becoming

just another criminal like them because of force majeure.

Because of Maggie and then you and the rest of it,

I had to do something.

You know?

Studied the Tibetan Book of the Dead.

I learned how to control my consciousness when I got into acid.

I knew how to sort of...

I did the full lotus,

where you can get into that little pyramid shape.

And then it all starts to unfold, you know, and curl up.

It goes out the top of your head and there you are, man.

And you're like, "Hey, I'm God.

"I am all men. I can be Everyman.

"I'm no better, no worse...

"certainly no worse than anyone else in the world.

"I am Man. I am Adam Kadmon."

Three things...that's what I found at the top level.

You know what? It's a triangle.

It's goodness, truth and beauty.

And if things aren't good,

they're not true and they're not beautiful.

If it's good, it's also true and beautiful.

And that was the aim...

to get that little triangle in your forehead

so you could see through that lens of goodness, truth and beauty,

and see the goodness and see the truth and see the beauty.

I've just become some sort of, you know, grim recluse

living in my diamond cave.

There were good drugs to start with,

and then the freak-out of the laws

and the paranoia began.

And everybody splintered off

and went into their rooms and closed their curtains.

And the communities were all closed off from one another

so nobody knew what anybody else was doing.

Everybody else was just paranoid.

You're only as good as the people you're with.

Yeah, I know.

OK, lads,

double bubbles all round.

Yeah.

What are we going to do, then, Bill?

Well, we're going to find out who's behind all this.

# She is the little queen of spades

# And the men will not let her be

# Hmm, she's the little queen of spades

# And the men will not let her be

# Every time she makes a spread

# Hoo, fair brown, cold chill just runs all over me. #

-Oh, all right. How you doing?

-All right, Bill?

Good result, eh?

What's the point of you being on the inside

when you don't help us out, Dave?

I'm only a counsellor, Bill.

Look, I done all I could.

You've been well lucky this time.

Have we? It doesn't feel like we have.

So have you any idea where all this has come from?

Nobody specific.

But it's someone close in.

You don't get paid to speculate, David.

You get paid for intelligence.

The police have got this document.

I've told you, it's like a family tree with it all mapped out.

And it's well comprehensive, Bill.

All kinds of people are on it, mate.

It goes right back to your grandfather.

It's basically the complete fucking picture.

I doubt that.

The Barneses, the Cowells,

the Pikes... they're all on it, mate.

All their marriages back and forth.

Well, that's all public knowledge.

So? What can they prove?

They don't have to prove anything, do they?

Listen to me, Bill.

They've just got to look at you

and eventually something happens.

They know it'll balance out.

Well, maybe they need balancing out.

In the next life, yeah.

Oh, lovely.

Fuck!

-Give me a minute, that's all.

-OK.

My God.

You've put on a bit of weight, ain't you?

For God's sake, Bill, she's...

-You're going to be a grandad, Bill.

-What?!

I've heard of sudden death, but sudden birth?

Where's all this come from, Karl?

Just...

When were you going to tell me?

I'm telling you now.

My dad's downstairs. My mum is downstairs.

He's fucking loving it.

I'm never... I'm never going to hear the end of this. This is...

I don't think your dad is the biggest problem here.

Oh, come off it.

Just give me a second.

This is quite a number. This...

I must be going through a bad phase.

Maybe a baby's the thing to pull me out of it.

I don't know. Who fucking knows?

Or this kid's going to make it...

this kid's going to make it worse.

How does he know this one? I get confused.

They was pen pals last time he was in prison.

How do you go to prison for assault

when you're the one that's assaulted?

Well, you know,

it was that unreasonable force thing.

That other lad's still not right.

-He's not ready.

-What's that, Grandad?

Grandad to a bastard.

-Is there a word for that?

-Cunt.

Those letters you wrote me in prison were really nice.

Good.

I've got some... I've got some just here.

-You can do a live reading.

-OK.

They were just here.

-Doesn't matter.

-Fuck.

They were just fucking here.

-It's OK. It doesn't matter.

-It's...it's not OK.

Somebody's moved them.

Where the fuck are they?

They were just fucking here.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

-Fuck!

-There's some letters down here.

They might be down here.

They're not down... They were fucking here, man!

-It's OK.

-It's not OK, it's fucked!

It's fucking typical. It's fucking fucked right up.

Mum!

Mum...

Mum! Mum!

Mum, have you seen those letters?

-Calm down. It's OK.

-It's not OK!

Oh, there they are.

I never knew you liked reading so much.

This is all just shit we sell on eBay.

Oh, I see.

Do you like Hitler?

Got a rare book about him here.

That's Hitler's dog, Blondie,

the Alsatian.

Got poisoned.

Not really his fault, but there you go.

That's war.

-Oh, to you, son.

-Cheers, Dad.

I was thinking it's going to be really nice out there when you paint that room.

Yeah, it'll be lovely. Come on, baby.

And maybe while you're doing it,

you could think about doing in here.

Yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah, sure.

-Would you like a whisky, Valda?

-I'm pregnant.

Thanks, anyway, Bill.

Oh, well, I suppose it's about time

we did pair off, isn't it?

-How old are you now?

-27.

-Ah. And how old are you now, Karl?

-34.

-Come on.

-Anyway, see you later.

Yeah.

Bye, sweetie.

See you later. Bye.

The trap slams shut.

How do you know it's your kid?

Fucking hell, Dad.

You don't want to find yourself bringing up

some other bloke's bastard.

Oh, f...

It's so typical.

Why do you have to be so fucking negative?

-You are my fucking son.

-No, fuck you!

-You're lazy. You're a fucking bastard.

-Fuck you!

You don't know who the fuck she is or where she's come from.

I went out with her for a year, Dad! I know who she is.

-What else might she be keeping from us?

-That's fucking bullshit.

This is a critical period at the moment.

I won't let you fuck it up with this baby bullshit.

What the fuck has it got to do with you anyway?

Tell her to get rid of it.

-Oh!

-Bill, it's too late for that.

-You've upset your mother now.

-Get in here.

# You poor injured fair one

# Your pardon I crave

# How soon must I follow you

# Down to the grave?

# There is none but you, fair one

# To see that sad sight

# And by her distraction

-# He died the same night.

-#

Well, what's your intuition about her?

Well, you know, I'm not really involved

in that any more... sort of thing, Bill.

I'm kept pretty busy at the club, you know.

I've got kids and that.

And to be honest with you, I don't feel as comfortable with it physically

as when I was a bit younger.

You're getting fat. You don't need to make excuses, mate.

-All right, yeah.

-You know?

You and my dad used to be proper terrors, didn't you, back in the day?

Your dad was one of my best mates.

In fact, he was my closest friend.

Yeah. I mean, your dad was... I would say your dad

was the smartest and the funniest man in town.

He was the one to beat.

-I miss him quite a lot.

-We all miss him.

What happened to your old man was... was terrible.

I never got over it really.

I'm still sick inside about that.

You know I think he was murdered, don't you?

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I thought it was just a fire.

-Well, yeah.

I sometimes think I should avenge his death.

That's what I'm supposed to do as the son.

But is that bad that I just don't want to?

Well, it's all changed now, isn't it?

There are no fathers left, or hardly any fathers.

All these fucking slags living off the state like fucking parasites,

leaving all the men in fucking rooms.

-So where are the fathers to avenge?

-Yeah.

It's all gone, mate. You know what I mean?

-Yeah, I know what you mean.

-But still...

-No, you're doing all right, you know?

-Yeah.

I mean, you were lucky because you had a dad

that was, you know...it was OK.

I had him for a bit, yeah.

I mean, my fucking old man... he died in his bed

and let me find him naked and dead when I was 13.

Bloody hell. That's terrible, Bill.

I'm still sick inside.

Never got over that.

-What a bastard.

-Yeah.

That's what dads do...they die.

-You know?

-Yeah.

Well, anyway, I'll keep my ear out about what happened.

Lots of people come through the club.

Someone might say something.

Well, if you hear anything, mate,

just let Karl know...

-Of course, yeah.

-..and I'll hear it.

-You're all right, son. You're all right.

-Cheers, Bill.

-Cheers.

-Yeah, no worries.

Cheers, Bill.

-Cheers, mate.

-Thanks a lot.

Cheers.

Garvey.

Garvey? That's left of field.

I don't like him...never did.

He's too nice. It's a weakness.

Being nice is a weakness?

Don't be sentimental.

Who has the most to gain by you going to prison?

There's a lot of people who would gain.

I don't trust him.

Didn't trust his father either,

and we know how that turned out.

Yeah, point taken.

It's him and his wife

and his kids.

The police love to get their claws into idiots like that.

Oh, Garvey's all right.

Based on what?

Well, you know, my instincts.

Yeah, well, that's bullshit.

We quite like the name Enoch

or Norbert.

Norbert?

-It's all right.

-Look...

Unusual... it's an unusual name.

It's medieval apparently.

-Bill is a good strong name.

-Bill?

-Oh, yeah, like, no prejudice.

-Sure.

I don't know how Valda would feel about that,

but I'm having a feeling though that she probably

wouldn't like the idea very much at all.

-Or Billina for a girl.

-Billina's not even a name.

Check the book. It's not in there. I guarantee it.

I think you'll find the feminine version of William is...

-It's Wilhelmina.

-Wilhelmina.

So it could be Billelmina, or short...Billina.

How come there's no pictures of me in this album?

This is 1979. I should be all over this album.

I've told you a million times...

photos were expensive in those days.

Now hang on a second. There's loads of pictures.

There's loads of pictures of you two, of this dog that I don't remember.

And then...

I think that's my foot.

I never took any photos.

Well, somebody took a lot of pictures.

It wasn't me.

# Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah!

# Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah! Aaah!

-# Are you going to...? #

-Is that my Gibson?

# Are you going

# To Scarborough Fair? #

That guitar's worth more than you are.

It's not a fucking Gibson!

Jesus, I gotta fucking listen to you play, like, night and fucking day

the whole time with your pals and whatnot.

Why don't you learn some chords?

I...

I mean somewhere else.

-Hey, Karl.

-Hi, Chris.

-You all right?

-How's tricks?

-Come in.

-Not too bad, mate. Not too bad.

-Good to see you two out and about, anyway.

-Can you close the door?

Hello. Hello. How are you?

-Oop!

-Where are we? In here?

-Out the back.

-All right.

I'll leave this pram here in the hall. Is that all right?

It's Chris Pringle. Yeah, that's fine, mate.

It'll be safe enough, won't it?

-There you go.

-Hello, Mr Pringle.

-How you doing? You all right?

-Yeah, yeah.

Good to see you two out and about.

-I want Grandpappy.

-All right, sweetheart.

Grandpa.

-Lovely, isn't he?

-Good boy.

-Grandpa, Grandpa.

-How old's your boy now?

Um...three.

Ah, that's a nice age.

-Had his first fight the other day.

-Yeah?

-He's an indi...

-A little snapper.

He's an individual, is he? Like his dad?

Yeah, twatted this kid with a xylophone.

-It was brilliant.

-Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In nursery, right?

He twats him with a xylophone

and I'd taught him the two fingers into the throat routine, right?

-Yeah.

-I'd seen his eyes go... cos he's got his dad's eyes.

The next minute, he's across the table with a finger in...

"No!" Pulls him back.

He's at him like he's a fucking junior ninja. So they pulled him back.

I sees the look in the teacher's eyes, man. He shat himself.

-A brick in his underpants.

-Oi, Chris...

Chris, he looks just like you.

Of course he fucking does.

Yeah, come on, then, Kurt.

Do you want to help me make the tea?

When I was out in Bosnia, you know...

well, actually I went down to have a holiday

and ended up just having a go in the war.

-Cheap beer.

-Were you in the army, Chris?

Which one? Floated about.

Don't fight for no king, no country...no queen, no country.

-I'm my own principality. Know what I'm saying?

-Amen.

Yeah. Amen. Testify, brother.

-You know the truth.

-Passport to Pringle.

-Huh?

-Passport to Pringle.

-What does that mean?

-Oh.

So I'm standing there in the court...

...and all of a sudden...

Less of that bit, will you?

-Sorry?

-Less of that.

I don't mind the cuddling, but none of the kissing

and farting noises, all right?

Just stay where I can see you.

Play up and down the hall if you want. That's fine.

But don't be taking him into your other room or anything.

Listen, if youse boys need anything done,

just give me a shout, won't you?

-So...

-Hmm?

SCRAPING

Oh, of course. Don't worry.

Got the car out the back... hatchback.

A roll of carpet, gaffer tape,

lump hammer...it's all there.

Good to go. Shovel, small handle.

Give me 15 minutes... boom, South Downs.

-Good boy.

-All right?

Modern life these days, you see?

-You gotta market.

-You got a point there, Chris.

-Have you got a web presence?

-Not yet.

Listen, catch youse later, all right?

Nice to see you. Keep it...

-Keep it tight.

-Have a good one.

-Nice to see your kid as well, man.

-He's lovely, isn't he?

He took to you, didn't he?

Come on. Come on, sweetheart.

-You going to go with your dad?

-Is he up the stairs?

I was thinking about having Valda round,

having a bit of dinner.

I suppose. Maggie?

I haven't got much in.

I'll cook it.

Yeah, fine.

-Karl.

-Yeah?

-Look at this glass

you've just given me.

Say again?

Well, I'm not going to say anything.

Would you mind having a look at that?

It's fine.

You know, this is the first time I've come over for dinner.

-Really?

-Hmm.

-That was rude of us.

How long did you go out together? About three weeks?

-A year.

-A year?

Is that right, Maggie?

-Was it that long?

-A year.

Oh, yeah. Well, what do you see in him then?

What do you mean? There's lots to see in him.

Dad, just... Please, Dad, just...

It's not an interrogation, yeah? It's just...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

To happy families, all right?

Tonight at least. Happy families.

-Happy families.

-All right, OK.

-Happy families.

-Cheers, everyone. Cheers, Mum.

Do you need a hand?

Oh, fuck. Shit, fuck.

I don't really see my parents much any more.

-Oh, why's that?

-Personal reasons.

Mum, have we got a... a thing for the pasta?

Oh, it's all right. I found it.

So he does a lot of cooking

around here then, Bill?

-No. He hardly ever cooks.

-Shit.

He's only cooking because you're here.

It's very nice of him to make the effort, isn't it?

Well, he can be a good lad, yeah.

He's all right really.

Only the best tonight.

Do you know what this is called, this pattern?

-Is it the willow?

-Yeah, it's the willow pattern.

It's a story about runaway lovers, isn't it?

Going over the bridge, I think.

Is that right?

-Did they have a happy ending?

-I don't think so.

Oh, I think that's what the birds are.

I think maybe that's the souls of the lovers after they've been murdered.

What it is, I can tell you,

is the lovers...

..got chased over the bridge by her dad,

who's the fisherman, and he trapped them on the island

and broke down the bridge.

They were trapped for ever, but then they turned into birds and they were free.

-He's a fountain of knowledge, isn't he?

-I never knew that.

-Had those since our wedding... never knew.

-Ah.

-Lovely.

-Mm, you win 20p.

A bit of salad there, Mum?

Well, I can't say that you're not pretty.

-There he goes, the charmer.

-Thanks.

-Yeah.

-Aren't you?

Well, you know, if I was 20 years younger...

-He was a devil.

-It's more like 35 years younger, Dad.

Oh, all right, 35 years.

When he had hair.

Karl, could you get me some water, please?

Thank you.

I think your problem is you don't give Karl enough credit.

That's not true.

Well, if I'm honest, I think you bully him.

You just pick at him all the time.

Pick, pick, pick. You just get at him all the time.

Look, it's banter. You don't understand how this house works.

I think I do.

-Is she always this mouthy?

-What?

We can't all be Father Christmas, can we?

-I'm just being myself, Karl, don't worry.

-Girls like you...

-pregnant...

-Dad.

-I bet you don't even know who by.

Karl, are you going to say anything?

-Dad...

-Look...

Dad, Dad!

Look, if she says it's mine, it's mine, all right? Mum...

You should have known, Karl.

You should have known that this was not a good idea.

I know, but she's got... she's got my baby.

I've got a fucking headache now.

Mum, listen, just... please, can you just stop him?

-I'll be all right. Get back in there.

-Just help me.

I'll be all right when I've had a drink.

Beam me up.

Do you want some help, Karl?

Yeah, well, there's a bit of pudding. I'll bring it in.

I thought there was some vino coming.

No, I'll bring it in in a minute, Dad.

Let me get the pudding sorted out, get it ready to serve.

-Yeah, thanks, Maggie.

-I just wanted to have a look at you.

-Yeah. Why was it you and he split up, then?

-I don't know.

It just didn't work out.

Quite a lot of temper, fights.

But he seems to have, you know, mellowed a bit.

Yeah, he's got a temper on him,

but we're on top of it now.

He got new pills.

What do you mean?

Well, he has a few mood swings, doesn't he?

-But he's a lovely lad.

-He's...he is a lovely lad.

Good night.

-I'm sorry it was a bit harsh.

-Don't worry about it.

-It was entertaining.

-I'm sorry you didn't like the food.

It was fine. It was fine.

It was very sweet that you cooked.

I thought you were, you know, on good form tonight.

I know.

OK, I'm going to go.

-Give me a call.

-I will do.

-I'll see you out.

-OK.

What a fucking little imbecile.

Not in front of the boy.

She's a sheep. She's a follower.

I don't bully him. It's non-aggressive advice.

Yeah, she's got her hooks right in.

It's absolutely typical of him.

-That was good rowdy fun, yeah?

-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

-It was good to see her again.

-Yeah, I'm really glad she's back.

Yeah. She should lay off the fatuous advice, though.

-You know?

-She was just telling it how she saw it.

Well, I think she should keep

that internal monologue to herself

and not share it with the adults.

I'm playing at devil's advocate here, Karl,

but she's a bit, you know, full of herself.

In a nice way, I mean. Conceited.

DISCORDANT TONE

I had a nice time.

DISCORDANT TONE CONTINUES

Garvey'll be around in a bit.

Hide the fucking pies, yeah?

-Where does your missus think you are?

-Late at the club.

I don't know why I couldn't tell her what's happening.

I told you, it's so she can't be put in a position later on.

-And no phones.

-Yeah, I left it at home. Don't worry.

-So what's going on?

-Nothing much.

Just tying up a few loose ends.

-Was it you?

-What?

Fucking hell! Are you mental?

I've done... I've done fuck all to deserve this?

-Calm down.

-What's going on? You lure me out here...

What's this?

Look, listen, I couldn't get a sitter. Can we sort this out now?

-Fuck's sake.

-Ears!

Shit, that's Chris Pringle!

Calm down, lad. It's nothing personal.

-What the fuck's he doing here?

-An impartial observer.

Fuck that!

Come here, you fat bastard.

-Bill, what's going on?

-Everything's OK, Maggie. Don't worry.

Yeah, it's just a bit of boisterous fun, Ma.

-Put it through, Bill?

-No, don't break it down. It's Victorian.

So what have...what have youse got here? Like, you got any tools?

Like a knife? A knife would be good.

-You didn't bring anything?

-This is amateur hour.

-No, I was in a rush.

-Dude, what the fuck?

-I've got a kid, you know.

-Are you on a fucking... You on a meter?

Even leaving the fucking house is like a lifestyle choice.

You're like my fucking missus. Nyah-nyah-nyah!

I've got the fucking kid. I've got to go to work with the kid.

-Yeah. He's having a kid as well.

-Oh, are you? You having a kid?

That's brilliant. Congratulations, son.

Come on, hug it up, bitch.

-Cheers, Pringle.

-Oh, man.

-Dude, what are we going to do...?

-Look, let's finish this amateur hour.

-Oh, fuck, yeah.

-Keep it down, man. He's in there.

Well, he knows we're fucking out here.

-Let's flush him out.

-I don't want any...

Come out, you little fucker.

I'm going to come in there and get you.

I'm going to fuck you up the arse and set your hair on fire.

-Fuck off, Pringle.

-I'm fucking sick of this shit.

A little bit strong. Come on, he's a mate.

Look, sorry about that. Sorry, all right?

Would little Kurt like some squash, Christopher?

-Nothing artificial, Maggie. Thanks, though.

-Oh, OK.

-Are my vitamin supplements ready, Maggie?

-Yeah, come through.

Come on, out.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

# As I was a-walkin'

# Down by the Royal Arsenal... #

Come on, mate.

You'll have to come out at some point.

No, I won't.

You going to spend the rest of your life in there?

Maybe.

SINGING CONTINUES

Come on, mate, don't be a fucking helmet.

Come on, this went far enough, don't you think?

# In white linen

# And cold as the clay

# So beat the drum slowly

# And play your fife for him... #

-He's right...

-I know, he's in there.

He's hiding in there.

Tell him you can see him. Say, "I can see you."

I can see you.

Oh, fuck's sake.

# Oh, whose life was squandered

# And another young soldier

-# Cut down in his prime.

-#

What's taking him so fucking long?

Shall we go and see Mummy?

-Shall we go and see Mummy?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, come on. I've had enough.

-Mummy.

-Where's my mummy?

-Good luck to you.

-My mummy. Mummy.

I'm sorry. I can't do it.

This is an absolutely disgraceful cock-up.

Listen, I'm not used to having him

under my feet all frickin' day when I'm doing a job.

You oughta toughen up, mate.

You've left me right in the shit.

Is he still up there?

Oh, fucking hell. Nice one, Pringle, you spastic.

Fucking forget about it. I'm outta here.

Come on, love.

-Yeah, cheers.

-That's lame.

-Are you going to wait this out?

-My eyes are shutting.

I'm taking my sleepers, OK?

-I don't want any noise.

-Yeah, night, Mum.

KNOCKS ON DOOR

-Garv, are you coming out?

-No. Fuck off.

Mate, it's just getting silly now.

Garv, I don't know what you think we're doing, mate,

but you've got it all wrong.

This has just... this has just been a test.

I've been nothing but nice to you lot.

Yeah, Garv, but it's, like, been a test of character

and you've passed it, mate... flying colours.

-It's all sweet now.

-Really?

Yeah, come down and smoke the peace pipe.

We'll forget all about this.

Garv, I swear on my unborn kid

we're not going to do anything.

-Is that fucking animal Pringle out there?

-Pringle's gone, mate.

I don't even know what he was doing here.

All right, I'm coming out.

Come on, you great lump.

We never suspected you for a minute, mate.

You're getting paranoid in your old age.

Yeah, you are, Garv.

It's not him, is it?

I don't know. I'm tired.

He reacted all wrong. I'm good at reading people.

He made a run for it.

Not an unnatural response in the circumstances.

No, I'm talking about your general aura.

You know, he's a clown. He's a fool.

He's innocent.

All right.

Garv.

-So you having a baby, eh?

-Yep.

It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

I was trying for months with Helen,

but she had a problem with her uterus.

-Well, I did not know that, Garv.

-I'll tell you what.

I want to ask you something.

On the night the twins were conceived

I made this, like, roaring noise.

I'd never done that before.

-Did you make a noise?

-Fuck knows.

I don't know, but...

So what's the name of the lucky mum-to-be?

-Valda.

-Valda.

Valda Newland?

-Why? Do you know her?

-Yeah, yeah.

She went out with my brother a few months ago.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were pen pals together.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

She's had loads of pen pals from prison.

She's a... she's a lovely girl. She's got a big heart.

Well done.

I'm painting tomorrow.

-What, in here?

-Yeah, all around.

-What colour?

-Just white.

Oh, yeah, nice. Fresh start.

-Can you do me a favour for a second, Garv?

-Yeah, of course.

-Can you just hold this up?

-Right.

-Just there.

-Yeah.

Actually, I'm pretty knackered.

You couldn't do us a tea, could you, Karl?

-Yeah, sure.

-What time is it?

I've got the kids tomorrow.

SMACK!

Fuck your kids.

PHONE RINGS

Eric, it's Karl. ..Yeah.

Any chance you could possibly pop over?

Yeah, I'm going to need your help with something.

Come the back way, yeah?

Wicked. See you then.

# 'Twas on one summer's evening

# All in the month of May

# Down by a flowery garden

# Where Betsy did lay... #

Fat sack of shit, he's done my back in.

KARL COUGHS

Oh, fucking hell.

Bill will have a full-blown fit if he finds out about this.

-I just don't want to hear his voice.

-Don't worry about it.

Tell you what, this is a blessing in disguise.

For us anyway.

Jesus Christ, there's probably snakes in here.

Yeah, we're going to put another snake in there in a minute.

Mate, the ground is well too hard.

We are never going to do this.

It's going to take all day.

Stop your fucking whingeing and get on with it.

I... What exactly are you here to do?

I'm here to help, all right?

-But you've only brought one shovel.

-Take a fucking turn!

It's not a fucking two-man shovel, is it?

You take your turn, then I'll take over.

This is bollocks. We'll never get him into this ground, mate.

-We're just going to have to leave him.

-We can't fucking leave him.

We'll just have to fucking think of something else.

You have a fucking go. Get in there and dig up...

For fuck's sake. You're fucking useless, you are.

Here's a bit of fucking soft ground here.

There's no fucking soft ground in there.

Yes, there is. It's fine.

Fucking coming out here

to commune with fucking nature.

-Fucking hell.

-I don't know how you do this as a job.

You're fucking useless at it.

Christ on a bike. Look at you.

Jesus, mate, hold the fucking gate.

I ought to fucking knock you off, you ponce.

I should fucking do you with that shovel.

# Are you leaving for the country?

# You say the city brings you down

# Leave the iron clown behind

# And feel the circus moving on

# Are you leaving for the country?

# I know a little country town

# Where dogs are sleeping in the cold

# And the flagpole's falling down... #

I wonder if it's going to be a girl or a boy.

-What, your forthcoming progeny?

-Yeah.

Science suggests it'll be a girl.

Why would it suggest that?

Because the man determines the sex of the child.

So, what diff...? What does that mean?

-Well, you're that type.

-What type?

Well, the type that science talks about.

What, the type of person that only has girls?

What, you think I've only got girl sperm?

Listen, man, you can't argue with science.

Who'd call their kid Misery?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Dad, that's the door.

Pa, that's the door.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Oh, fucking hell. Don't get up.

-All right, Karl.

-All right, Dave.

-I hear you're getting married.

-That's right.

Ducked ten years and ended up getting life, eh?

-All right, Bill.

-Hello, Dave.

Garvey never went home last night.

Oh, yeah? Is that official?

Yeah. I've had his missus on the phone to mine.

After one night? He's on a short leash.

He never goes away, does he?

So, er, was he here?

-No.

-Not seen him.

-Well, who was here last night?

-Just...just Pringle.

Fucking hell. Pringle.

That's non-helpful. Right, well, look, if you see Garvey,

you get him to give me a bell, yeah?

-Sure.

-Sure, will do.

-Yeah, well, I...

-We'll see you later, man.

I just don't want his missus...

-Take it easy, Dave.

-..scaring up a big search party.

I'll see you later.

-Well, where do you think Garvey is?

-I don't know.

-He's...

I don't like this.

Do you think Eric's into much with Garvey?

Eric owes Garvey money.

Quite a bit, knowing Eric.

Why? What's wrong? What's Eric got to do with it?

Garvey's missing, that's all. Nothing to worry about.

I think someone must have picked him up between here and his drum.

-I can't go to prison, man.

-I know.

-I'll never come out.

It's a confessional culture, man.

People just can't shut up.

Pringle will go, then, yeah?

-But who has he told?

-He lives with his mum.

The kid's with his ex-missus.

It's unlikely he's going to say anything germane to her.

Yeah, let's hope not, eh? What do you think, Bill?

I don't know.

Mags?

Pringle tells his war stories to whoever will listen.

The mum's a notorious chatterbox.

Just to be safe then, yeah?

OK. This is on me, then, yeah?

I'll deal with Pringle and his people.

This is turning into a right fucking massacre.

-Yay.

-What about the kid? He's got a kid.

Yeah, the kid's about two. He can't even talk, can he?

I mean, what's going to happen to the kid?

He'll probably end up getting sent to a decent school.

Would you want Pringle as your old man?

Can't believe they've brought this on themselves.

They're so selfish.

Disappearances and accidents, Eric.

No showboating.

Bill, come on.

Here, Pa.

-Cheers.

-To Garvey.

ALL: Garvey.

-And Pringle.

-Yeah, and Pringle.

ALL: Pringle.

-Shame about his kid.

-Yeah.

Don't think about it. I'm not.

Still...

that's the way it goes, isn't it?

A lot of children die.

What time is it?

What, now?

It's about 25 past four.

-Why, have you got an appointment?

-Nah, I was just wondering.

-It's just nice to be out of the house.

-Mm.

Sometimes don't you think you could just walk

straight out into the sea and never come back?

You're full of cheery little introspective observations today.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Nothing.

How much do you love me?

Grrr!

Oi, Pringle.

-You all right, mate?

-How you doing?

-I've got a little job for you.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah. You up for it?

-Yeah, nice.

Come on, mate.

Come on, jump in.

It's lovely here, isn't it?

-Stinks of shit, mate.

-Yeah.

But I like those fresh country smells.

-You know what I mean?

-So what's this all about?

Just gotta see a geezer over here. Don't worry about it.

-Whereabouts?

-Just over here.

-By this caravan?

-No, no, just by the side of the caravan.

Nothing to worry about. Don't worry.

Aw, come on, man. What about my son?

Oh, don't fucking cry, mate. Oi!

Oh, for fuck's sake, where do you think you're going?

TWO MORE GUNSHOTS

DOGS BARK

Twat.

Ma, I'm going to move out.

I thought Valda was going to move in here.

Val wants our own space. I think she's right.

Well, you'll need help with the baby. I mean, she looks frail.

I'm having a kid. I can't go to prison.

Nobody's going to prison and you're going to do as you're told.

I don't want to do any of this any more.

I just want to be a...

I just want to be a normal dad.

SLAP!

-Mrs Pringle?

-Yeah?

I'm a friend of your son's.

Eric - yeah? You remember me?

-Is he all right?

-Yeah, he's fine, yeah.

You been shopping? You bought anything nice?

Oh, just a few bits for the kids, you know.

-Trying to cut back a bit these days.

-Yeah, times is tight.

-We've all got too much anyway, haven't we?

-That is true.

I can't believe how much he looks like his old dad.

Yeah, poor little thing, eh?

What time is this bus coming, then?

TYRES SCREECH

And the fat man?

Oh, he's really shit the bed on this one, mate.

Looked all over for him... high and low, here and there.

-Yeah?

-Pie shop.

-He's gone.

-Yeah, I thought so. I had a feeling.

-You want a whisky?

-Yeah, lovely.

What's going on, you know, with the business and...

and the club?

Well, looks like I'm going to need a new manager, doesn't it?

Yeah, I've been having a little think about that.

-Cheers.

-Yeah?

Yeah, just, you know, about who to put in there.

-Yeah.

-And then I thought, "I ran Foxy's," didn't I,

-for ten years down in Eastbourne?

-Oh, yeah.

We did a great job down there, mate. Great job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-That was a long time ago, Eric.

-I mean me and Karl...

-it would keep us busy.

-Karl's a very busy boy.

Yeah. No, he's probably too busy, but I've still got time.

I could help out down there.

I thought it'd, like, dovetail with the business.

Yeah. Well, I mean, obviously I understand

where you're coming from, but I'll leave it with you.

Have a little think about it, mate.

I'll tell you what, I'll think about it.

Yeah, yeah, nice, nice. OK. So what?

I'll call you later maybe, have a chat?

I mean, it's a good idea... a good idea, Bill,

because I feel that the club could be...

I've got some ideas for the club,

strategic ideas.

Running a club.

-Helen.

-Where is he?

-Bill?

-My husband!

How should I know? I'm cooking.

-I just want his body!

-Shh, keep it down.

-Whatever's left!

-Keep it down, keep it down.

I don't want him lying out there in a ditch!

-Keep it...keep it...

-I won't keep it down!

Getting eaten up by... by things and foxes, you fuck.

Look, you're under a lot of stress, Helen.

I understand it, but it's totally out of order.

You cold bitch. You're just like your father.

-Get out of here.

-You'll end up just like him.

SHE BANGS AND SHOUTS

Unacceptable, Bill.

I told you when we started this... no drama.

She's a prime candidate for shock treatment.

-Nobody is going to listen to her ravings.

-Not listen?

I am surprised they didn't hear that in fucking Kent.

Why'd she start talking about my dad?

Why'd she have to say that?

Oh, Jonny. How you doing, buddy?

-Jonny.

-Good journey, yeah?

-Not really, no.

Well, what brings you all the way down from London, Jon?

I told Jacob I didn't want to come down, Bill.

Well, why didn't he come down himself?

Jacob's a little, er, disappointed in you, Bill.

A general vibe of confusion

and carnage coming from your end.

-There's been a few ructions, but it's evening out.

-Is it?

Because it doesn't feel that way.

It feels like it's spiralling into chaos, Bill.

You and your idiot son in and out of court,

police sniffing around everything,

known associates doing moonlight flits.

It's the last thing we fucking need, Bill.

-Well, agree with me at least!

-All right, I agree.

I don't think you even know what problems you have, Bill.

-Well, you tell me, then?

-I'm not here to explain things, Bill.

I'm here symbolically, yeah?

As a reminder that we're all in this together, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Some straight thinking is called for, Bill.

-You've let things slip away.

-But I mean, look,

give this to Jacob and tell him we're not falling behind.

This, Bill...this is money, yeah?

You know there's more to this than money.

-Sorted, Jonny?

-Sorted, Maggie.

Make sure he doesn't get too excited, eh?