What If

This programme contains some strong language.

You want to act like a twat...

-Natalie?

-Yeah, she's banging.

It's your bruv. I can see him now.

Yo, Joe. Don't forget you owe me.

Allow it, bruv.

Huh? Bruv, pay up, B!

Look, bruv, don't piss me off, yeah?

Is that it? Huh?

Look at that chicken shit.

-TELEVISION:

-..Police officers on duty, but I do urge now

that parents start contacting their children

and asking them where their children are,

and I am imploring that people...

..Vandals and looters out of the city centre.

Police warn that anyone inciting could face prosecution.

The technology company BlackBerry has said it will find...

"If you can keep your head when all about you

"are losing theirs and blaming it on you.

"If you can... you can trust yourself

"when all men doubt you..."

BEEPING

Well, the rioting began at Tottenham in North London.

..scarcely believe what has happened. Rosie Pertusa...

-Have you done your homework?

-DOOR SLAMS

What?

Are you in a hurry, bruv?

Don't forget you owe me!

Oi, you need a lift?

Devon, you fucking dickhead, get me off now!

-Devon, you fucking knob, get me off!

-Come down, innit!

Get me off here now, dickhead! Now!

You lot don't have nothing better to do, huh? What you do this to the boy for?

I'm fed up of seeing you 'round the estate every damn day

busting up the place, upsetting people!

You should be ashamed of yourselves. Where is your father, young man?

Where's your father? He should have beat you!

SHE COUGHS

All right, Lisa?

Did you hear about Nelson?

They got him on CCTV.

Got his photo up on the six o'clock news clean like broad daylight.

Lisa, you coming?

Coming?

DOORBELLS RING

Boo!

Hey, Devon, come 'ere to me!

I'll ring your skinny necks.

Your mama's so fat, when she walked to an all-you-can-eat buffet,

they had to install speed bumps.

Yo, Devon!

Hey, Tiny's there. Oi, little man, what you got for me?

-Trainers, innit.

-You got size ten, bruv?

I got everything. I got all sizes.

Hey, these are all right. Cool.

Leave it, bruv!

Oi. Oi!

Rubbish, innit?

POLICE RADIO

Yeah, I'm on my way.

Nice one.

Yeah, nice one, Joe!

Now go and get 'em!

Oi, you lot, wait up!

FLIES BUZZING

Ah, it's disgusting in here! Urgh!

Your mum's so stupid,

she locked herself in the bathroom and peed her pants.

That's a good one. Go on then, get in.

Urgh!

Urgh!

Beats homework anyway. Not!

If you can keep your 'ead, where does it get you?

You stink!

Shut up! It's not funny!

Cah, you smell terrible!

Your mama smells so bad,

the only dis I'm gonna have to give her is disinfectant.

Your mum's so stupid, she went to the dentist to get Bluetooth.

Oi, watch where you're walking!

Your mama's so stupid,

she thinks unisex is what people go to university for.

What's in the bag?

Oi!

What you doing there?

I went and got 'em.

Yeah? I'd put 'em back if I was you, bruv.

-Don't you still owe me?

-Leave it out, Devon.

Leave it out?

Bruv, don't make me embarrass you in front of your girlfriend, yeah?

Hey, Lisa, give me a fag.

I haven't got one.

Don't piss me off, I saw one in your mouth earlier.

That's what you get for being tight and thinking you're a big man, yeah?

Why you dragging him up like that? What's your problem, Dev, man?

-That's out of order.

-No, it's not even funny.

-SOME OF THE GANG LAUGH

-Did you see that? Who wants a fag?

Your mama's so ugly,

when she puts lipstick on she looks like a hamburger.

Just shut up!

-I'm just...

-Just piss off, will ya?!

-Don't blame me!

Why didn't you just give him the fags?

Why d'you have to piss him off?

You're just a little kid!

THE PLANT POT SHATTERS

HE PANTS

THE PLANT POTS SHATTER

What you looking at?

Oi, you owe me!

Now piss off out of here!

If you can keep your head...

..when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you.

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

but make allowance for their doubting too.

THE CROWD APPLAUD

Yes, yes, Nyja.

Yo, make some noise in the place, yeah, guys.

You know what, it's done, yeah, it's done! Yeah!

# I keep it moving, showdown

# This heavy mic...

# I hoping I never might go down

# Which by one pronoun so profound... #

If you can wait, and not be tired of waiting

or being lied about...

# I'm searching for the rhythm MCs

Don't deal in lies...

# These MCs do shows to the seas

# These MCs are fly

# Original artists like I

# One of them artists, cutting and snide

# They don't say nothing, say something if you like

# Hit me up on e-mail, Twitter or Skype... #

THEY CHEER

..Or being hated, don't give way to hating.

And yet don't look too good nor talk too wise.

# Your chances are shit I'm going in

# Make your eyes spin

# I'm a killing machine Burstin' your brain with swagga

# Get to know my bredrin

# Don't like me and rock, rocky... #

If you can dream and not make dreams your master...

If you can think and not make thoughts your aim.

# Bass on the right track

# Slam like a thumb back

# You don't have to worry, uh-oh

# Cos the slide back

# Plump for the sticky, wicky, tricky cos it's all fat

# Even when you have to keep your head up like a big bat

# Swing, party people, cos I am the groove

# Yeah, I'm gonna bang to the BOOM till we hit the record player

# Can you feel me?

# We're jammin' on the radio cos I'm crazy, yo

# Going loco, bro, let's go!

# You can call me a-di-o

# When I hit the so fo, let's go!

# Se di-di ally yo...

If you can meet with triumph and disaster,

and treat those two impostors just the same.

# Oh, the energy that we never turn down

# Let all the players say

# That girl with the glasses, low backs, skin faint, blunt hair... #

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

twisted by knaves to make traps for fools...

# Ain't no dude, my style's random

# Let's cut loose Ain't no fug, I'm just me

# No-one hide me inside, that's not cool

# Flats, tins, all day long that's what you'll see me in! #

..Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

and stoop and build them up with worn out tools.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings,

and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss...

And lose and start again at your beginnings,

and never breathe a word about your loss.

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

to serve your turn long after they are gone...

So hold on when there is nothing in you,

except the will that says to them, "Hold on."

Woo! Lock down to If FM,

your number one place for the UK underground sound!

We got the beat-box cipher, no introduction needed!

-You are ready?

-Yeah, pass the mic.

If FM!

Salt 'n pepper. Give me some pepper.

THEY BEATBOX

# Salutations to all my well-wishers

# I understand the nation so let's get down to business

# I don't kiss and tell, snitches

# I hit it well

# But it would be a lie to say my ... is 12 inches

# Baby, I a ruler I'm crazy with my moolah

# That's why I should be in rehab saving for my jeweller

Keep it rolling, people.

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue

or walk with kings nor lose the common touch.

# Master beats, favours effects

# I put my heart in the beat

# A lot of MCs want to target my dream but they can't cos their bars are garbage and weak

# Them on the air but still I can't even breathe

# I feel like Martin Luther, I started the future

# I'm just a dream

# They looked a lie

# I've lost my mind, ain't got the time

# I wash my own hands, yes

# Always on one

# Watch those birds tweet

# They say I'm sick, man I don't need no nurse

# I get to the gym cos I'm destined to win

# If they want a bar fight then I'm next in the ring

# I'm a threat, I'm a killer

# I'm not a sheep, I'm a leader

# Yo! #

THEY CHEER

# You already know Rude Nation

# Young prince in the jungle

# Do it on our own so we don't owe you pagans

# Hope flows galore and I'm locking it down

# Running in time with the rhythm

# Mucking about so you know the score You're too cold for war

# I've been doing this thing from ages ago... #

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you

TEXT ALERT

If all men count with you, but none too much.

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

with 60 seconds' worth of distance run

yours is the Earth and everything that's in it.

And, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs

and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself

when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too.

If you can wait and not be tired of waiting,

or being lied about, don't deal in lies, or being hated,

don't give way to hating,

and yet don't look too good nor talk too wise.

If you can dream and not make dreams your master,

if you can think and not make thoughts your aim,

if you can meet with triumph and disaster,

and treat those two impostors just the same.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

twisted by knaves to make traps for fools,

or watch the things you gave your life to broken,

you'll stoop and build them up with worn-out tools.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings,

and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss, and lose and start again

from your beginnings, and never breathe a word about your loss.

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew,

to serve your turn long after they are gone,

and so hold on when there is nothing in you,

except the will that says to them, "Hold on."

If you can talk to crowds and keep your virtue,

or walk with kings nor lose the common touch,

if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

if all men count with you but none too much,

if you can fill the unforgiving minute,

with 60 seconds' worth of distance run,

yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

and which is more you'll be a man, my son.